#patreon's new logo is stupid

[naroukoto]

this joke was probably already made, but I need to address it.

[stil-lindigo]

companies will really destroy years' worth of brand recognition by rebranding with a minimalist blob for a logo just because a silicon valley tech bro told them to

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: Weaponize anything

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)  

Alien: Is that a sword on your back? Human: Why yes it is. Alien: How stupid are you? Alien: We have literal laser guns, and you think a sword will stop us? Human: Normally no. Human: But that was until we put lasers on these as well. Alien: Wait, what? Human: *Rushes alien with space laser sword* ----------------------

Alien: What is that lump of metal in your hand? Human: A weapon. Alien: What kind of weapon? Human: Sonic. Alien: You use sound as a weapon? Human: And a torture device some times. Alien: What? Human: Trust me. Human: If I play the baby shark song fifty times you’ll be begging me for death. ------------------------- Alien: Do I even want to know? Human: Lightning cannon. Human: It shoots random streaks of concentrated electricity in the direction you point it in. Alien: Wouldn’t that make it highly inaccurate? Human: When you fire a weapon this cool does it really matter if you hit what you want? Alien: Yes. Alien: Yes it does. ----------------------------

Human: Want to see my magnet gun? Alien: What could possibly be deadly about a magnet? Human: *Points it at random nearby alien and fires it.* *Target alien begins convulsing violently as all the microscopic metal fragments in their body are ripped out and pool together in a ball of gore* Human: I like to call it the “Therapy Gun” myself, because once you use it you just know you’re going to need some serious treatments to get over these mental scars. ---------------------------

Alien: Did your sword just twitch? Human: Huh? Oh yeah. Human: *Pulls out sword* Human: I made this by forging sentient metal into a blade. Alien: Sentient metal? Human: We ran into these rock like aliens a while ago and one of them was made literally of metal. Human: So I used a shard of them to forge this blade. Alien: Is it also sentient? Human: Not sure. Human: Although when I hold it I can hear a voice in my head telling me to kill everyone. Alien: I think you’ve had enough fun with the magic death sword. ------------------ Alien: Please stop inventing weapons. Human: But we just made time altering ammunition. Alien: Oh gods. Human: By using some unstable particles, when you get hit by these it’ll reverse age you backwards by a random amount. Human: One second you’ll be fighting a thousand year old matriarch and the next you’ll be watching a child break their collarbone when the weapon recoil damn near takes their arm off. Alien: I’m not even surprised at this point…. Human: Really? Guess we aren’t trying hard enough. Alien: Wait, NO! --------------- Alien: Our weapons are useless! Alien: We fire at those ghostly beings but our bullets just pass right through them! Human: Use these. *Tosses custom made weapon* Human: They fire concentrated energy beams at randomized frequencies, meaning that the entities won’t have time to alter their bodies fast enough to allow the projectiles through them without causing damage. Alien: Why do you have these on hand? Human: You’d be surprised how often we’ve had to kill ghosts on our home planet the same way. Alien: Your people have killed….ghosts? Human: Well, some people wanted to humanly capture and release them so we had to do that for a while. Human: They had a catchy theme song and logo. -------------------- Human: Fire in the hole! *Chucks grenade* Aliens: *Braces for explosion* *No explosion* Alien: What kind of grenade was that? Human: Pheromone grenade. Alien: What do those do? *Hears loud screaming coming from enemy and alien looks up* *Enemy are covered in swarming insects that are slowly devouring them* Human: Mostly provide nightmare fuel or a crazy weekend in vegas depending on the strain. -------------------------- Alien: I see the enemy are very afraid of that new cannon you brought. Alien: What does it fire exactly? Human: *Shrugs* Depleted uranium canisters mostly. Alien: What in florps name!?! Human: I know, right? Human: Either the sheer kinetic force will kill them, or the still radioactive shrapnel that’ll cover them after these canisters burst against their target. Alien: Are you not concerned about the horrific environmental damage you are doing? Human crew: *Looks at each other and shrugs* Human: It’s not our planet.

[mr2swap]

-Jackson But what the fuck are you doing, young man? You've lost your mind? Go straight to your room and no internet or video games - I can't believe how irresponsible my son is, he and I switched bodies just a couple of days ago, and he's already breaking the rules, he knew that "wish" his grandfather gave him for his birthday. He'd get us in trouble. I never thought he'd want to trade places.

-Listen, dad, It's very hot, and I had a very heavy day at work, Of course, you don't know what that is now, So you better shut your mouth before I shut you because I'm not in the mood to your sermons- I was speechless listening to my little 8-year-old son with such rude vocabulary I approached him a little and to my surprise, he stank of beer, I looked up looking at my ancient and hairy body of almost 2 meters, The smell of beer was unmistakable. But besides that smell Jackson was stinking up, the smell of a working man fills my little nostrils, making me wince a little.

-JACKSON SMITH, ARE YOU DRUNK?! - For a moment Jackson stopped drinking his beer and looked down at me, frowned and put on a serious and somewhat annoyed face, then continued drinking the beer bottle until it was completely empty. He left it on the kitchen table, making a noise that made me jump in fright.

- yes "dad" Do you have a problem with that?, before returning home I went with my new friends to the bar that is near the construction company, and you know what? I'm going out with the boys again on the weekend, So I'm going to leave you with “your” mother So that you ask her stupid questions and not me-

-But what's wrong with you? Young man, I order you to open your wish right now if you don't want me to… - before I could finish the sentence, Jackson used his long legs to stand in front of me, put his hands on his hips, and smile at me.

-What are you going to do? Punish me? Take away my Nintendo? Or leave me without dinner? I think you still don't understand Who the boss is But don't worry "son" I'm going to solve it right now-Without giving myself a second to run I grab my armpits and in one movement I get up and walk towards his room while I screamed, and I hit his chest to try to get him to put me down it was so humiliating to be carried like a toy or a child….

He opened the door to his own room and laid me on the small bed Decorated with the Superman logo that to me was now huge. -Listen well son because I'm only going to repeat this once, Now I'm the father, so you have to obey me Like a good son, Or you'll know what it feels like to be grounded for the rest of your young life-

I was trembling with fear for the first time in my life his voice was serious, and he had more than enough self-confidence, and on the other hand, I almost peed in my shorts knowing that I had lost all control of my son and my own house, I nodded silently trying to avoid his penetrating and intimidating gaze that seemed to enjoy every minute of this.

-very good! Now that we clear this up Finish your homework and if you're good the rest of the day we'll order Pizza for dinner- He put his huge, heavy and calloused hand on my head and caressed my hair and messed it up at the same time, he turned around and walked out of the room closing it before leaving.

I just hope that this situation is reversed before my son becomes a complete monster, now I better finish my math homework I don't want my new "dad" to be upset that he's drunk.

----

Hey! You can support me to continue creating stories, see similar stories on my patreon, you can also join my discord if you are interested in role-playing about bodyswap, possession and transformation, m2m!

[warcrimesimulator]

Still can't believe the new Patreon logo. Looks so damn stupid.

[raccoon-formality]

2024 Commitment

(this is a re-post from Patreon)

Hello,

This is Matthew and I am here to talk about some stuff regarding this Patreon account.

Let me start with the less than good news. I would like to apologize for neglecting my obligations near the end of last year. Parking Ticket Mayhem and Scaling Up Industries did not include Patreon member mentions and I also didn't release early access versions of those games either. Although right now I believe most people supporting me are friends who would support me anyways, it is still a level of disrespect and negligence to your support that I would not like to continue going forward.

So, that leads quite smoothly into the changes I am making. Starting 2024, I am making a commitment to myself to be more professional. I will be taking my commitments more seriously and will be moving forward with more transparency. This restructuring coincides with the rebranding I am doing.

Games from now on won't be published unless the Patreon member mention is added somewhere. I will also been setting a reminder to publish regular written progress reports (either monthly or bi-weekly, to be determined). These reports will be public and probably will be able to be posted on multiple platforms for your convenience. At the same time, the most recent early access versions of my games will be published if applicable. Game jam games or short projects (under 2 weeks) won't get early access versions.

To that point, I want to do more long term projects. Heavy trucking was the only project I spent more than a month on and I think it would be a good idea for me to do more of them. This type of project would be what I would be releasing early access to. I have a couple ideas for larger projects I want to make. That is part of the reason why I am making these changes. Whatever I do end up making, I want to make sure that this is sustainable for long term commitments. 

You may have also noticed the new logo and redesigned website, this is part of the rebrand I mentioned earlier. I really want to make this year the year I do big things. I want to make this dumb hobby project mine into a brand that can be recognized for it's quality, consistency, and commitment to transparency.

So, with all that out of the way, let me get into what I'm actually doing.

Yesterday, I published The Pig Pen, a small, minimalist arcade action game. This game is a landmark for, among other things (First to fulfill the commitment of patreon thanks, first to have the new logo. first game I've made to have an online leaderboard, First godot 4 game, ect.), being submitted to the first ever game jam I have hosted. The jam was called One Last Game 2023 and it took place between the 29th of December to the 1st of January. This game jam was not only a success, it completely blew expectations out of the water. With over 100 people joining and over 30 entries.

As for my other projects, Scaling Up Industries was a ton of fun to make, gained me a bunch of experience with working in teams, and I believe we made a really quality game considering the time restraints. Parking Ticket Mayhem exploded in popularity right after it's launch, it is now sitting at ~8,700 views on itch.io and another 8,100 views on newgrounds.

Heavy Trucking has made $304.69 (USD) to date, most (about $208.59) of which coming in the first few weeks. It has also gone on sale during itch.io's offical halloween sale and winter sale (which is still going on during the time of writing), making $46.60 and $24.50 (gross USD) respectively. Leaving $25 of copies that were sold for full price. Of this, ~7% goes to payment processors, ~10% has been chosen to go to itch.io, and then ~24% is taken by the tax man. Leaving ~$200 net. ~$40 went to getting me a new mouse after my dumb stupid razer mouse started double clicking and flaking out one me.

I am planning on making and maintaining a page on my website for statistics for people to look at so they can see how many videos, downloads, money, ect. my games make. Transparency is important to me because I believe withholding information only leads to speculation and conspiracy. Which is why (most of) my projects are on github.

Speaking of github, that is another thing I would like to talk about. All of my projects will be published publicly on github with two exceptions. One, if the game has online or proprietary software in it (such as The Pig Pen with it's online leaderboard or if I published a game on console, which i doubt will happen this year, that will probably not be allowed to be published). This is to ensure safety with these online services and so I don't get sued by Big Nintendo. Two, if a game contains NSFW (adults only) content. Github has a strict content policy and because of that games with NSFW content would be violating their policy if I were to publish them there. So, to solve that problem, I have made a git.gay account for if I want to do that.

Also, late last year I uploaded the source code for an unfinished project I was working on titled Cranky Raccoon for playdate. I had no plans on finishing it any time soon, so I thought it would be best to publish it on github and let people study it if they wanted to.

Alright, I've been rambling for a while now, so I will give a TL:DR and see you in the next progress report that will hopefully not be as lengthy as there won't be as much to catch up on.

TL:DR - Thank you for your support. Sorry for not doing the things I said I would. 2023 was a great year and I plan on making 2024 even better. More frequent updates are to come.

https://raccoonformality.com/stats

[sciencehoodie]

Ologies Merchandise

Alie Ward, a science correspondent, TV presenter and shameless questioner, brings you every Tuesday a new Ologist and a topic on the podcast Ologies. Wear some science-themed merch to show your support for this hilarious podcast where smart people answer stupid questions. You can order many items like t-shirts, totes and mugs to create something unique for yourself.Ologies merch

Shirts This super soft, lightweight tee will show your love for the Ologies podcast. Alie Ward meets with scientists and inventors around the globe to give you a humorous view of science. Each episode is independent and packed with tidbits that will make you the most fascinating person at any dinner.

The shirts will be made just for you. The sizes range from XS up to 5XL. We can reduce waste because we only print what's needed. Please be careful when ordering shirt sizes and do not hesitate to contact us with any questions. Patreon is another way to support the show and get behind-the-scenes goodies. We appreciate your support. It's the best way to continue the show.

Tote Bags This cotton canvas tote will bring some fun science into your everyday life. The bag is perfect for groceries, books and the rocks you collected on your way home from a park. Alie Ward is featured in a vibrant design on the bag, shouting out all sorts of Ologies and science-y goodness. The Ologies team meets with scientists and geniuses around the world to create a funny, comedic look into science and discovery.

Please be aware that all merchandise is custom-made, meaning it will only be made for you once you order! Please make sure you measure yourself before placing your order, since most items cannot be returned.

Mugs This mug will keep you going, whether it is coffee, tea, or any other beverage. This mug features a watercolor train and is sure to get you started on a great day. The mugs can be washed in the dishwasher or microwave, but they will retain their print and coating if you wash them by hand. Alie Ward, Ologies' co-host designed the mug.

Alie Ward is a writer, science reporter, and shameless questions-asker. She hosts the podcast Ask Smart People Stupid Questions, an independent production. The show features a new subject and Ologists each Tuesday. It is packed with fascinating facts that will be the talk of the dinner party. Support the show on Patreon for just $1 per month and receive exclusive content and merchandise.

Stickers You can now add the Ologies Logo to a mug or tote to give it a bit more science flair. These stickers come with a variety of book-clipped words, seasonal stamps, patterned stripes and labels that you can add to your cards or journals. Total of 314 stickers. Made in USA.

Support the show with Patreon. It costs as little as $1 per month. You can submit questions, vote for episodes and earn cool merchandise!

[avarice-keeps-me-alive]

i still don't even understand why they changed it, it was already flat???? Patreon in my brain is orange!! That's good actually!! As stupid as if reddit decided their new logo was a b/w 👽

this is the iconic and recognisable logo of Patreon

this is a fucking abhorrence and the destruction of a legible and known symbol in favour of worthless flat design

this is a bean

[officialleehadan]

Historical Society

Hello darlings! Day four of a new year! I'm starting to love the beautiful silver skies here, and the way the clouds seem to fly by so quickly they're different every time I look at them.

Today's story was brought to you by Memprime! Darling, you've been my patron for years now, and the sight of your name in my notifications always warms my heart. Thank you so much for all your support!

Prompt: This Old House

+++

Kevin was honestly surprised that anyone from the Historical Society was stupid enough to come back to Mallory House.

Then again, they had been getting a lot of attention lately, and the house was still under renovation, so maybe it wasn’t that unexpected. Mallory House was one of the bigger, and one of the oldest, historical houses in town. Now that it was also a working Bed and Breakfast, well, it was small wonder that people were interested.

If he had to guess, this visit was about his recent decision to have the roof redone. It was going to look right for the house once it was done, but it definitely didn’t at the moment. In his experience, the historical society tended to get touchy when things didn’t look right, and didn’t know much about how everything worked under the hood.

The knock on the door was crisp, and unexpectedly polite. Rod Phillipson always banged on the door like he owned the place.

“Are we expecting someone?” Hanna asked from the dining room table. She and Elizabeth had been going through lists of garden designers for days. With the inside of the house almost finished, they were moving on to the house’s expansive grounds, which included a substantial garden that was in the same sorry state as the house was. Hanna, who was a very fine decoration, and was now Kevin’s girlfriend, had a wide array of contacts. “I haven’t called anyone about the pond, yet.”

“Historical Society,” Kevin said with a wince. He hadn’t gotten a good look at the person, but he would recognize the Historical Society’s logo at a glance. “Bet you it’s about the roof.”

“Might not be that bad,” she said, and stood from the table. Elizabeth was already gone, no doubt ready to watch and see what happened with the newest person from the Historical Society. “The house is beautiful, and everything is gorgeously refinished. We’re working on the garden.”

“No idea,” Kevin said. There was nothing for it. He made for the door and pulled it open. “Uh hello. Can I help you?”

It was a woman. Older, stout, with broad shoulders and thick black hair shot through with silver. She was sharply dressed in a crisp pants-suit, and had an elegant, glittering pin on her lapel.

“My name is Daphne,” she said, and shuffled her folders under one arm so she could proffer a hand for him to shake. Her hand was rough with calluses, which made Kevin like her immediately. “Daphne Bridges. I’m with the Historical Society, which I assume you already know. May I come in?”

“Of course,” Hanna said before Kevin could figure out something polite to say. “I’m Hanna, Kevin’s girlfriend. Come in. Tea? Coffee?”

“Sure, coffee” Daphne said cheerfully, and looked around the parlor admiringly as they walked through to the dining room. “I imagine you knew my predecessor, Rod Phillipson.”

“I did,” Kevin said cautiously with a wary glance around for any of his ghosts. They wouldn’t make a move unless Daphne gave them a good reason, but they were certainly watching. “Won’t surprise you to know that we didn’t get on.”

“Yes, so he screamed as he resigned,” Daphne said with a grin. “Something about ghosts, and insane contractors, and tiles. On behalf of the whole Historical Society, I’d like to thank you for finally getting him out of all our hair.”

“That’s not what I expected you to say,” Kevin admitted and handed over a mug of coffee. Daphne took it black, apparently, because she raised the mug to him and took a long drink. “Let’s start again. How can we help?”

“I hear you have ghosts,” Daphne said without a blink to show how odd the statement was.. “If they’re amiable, I’d like to meet them.”

“That is… also not what I expected you to say,” Kevin told her, and cast his eyes up towards the ceiling. “It’s up to them.”

“Up to Missus Mallory, I imagine,” Daphne chuckled dryly. “Gotta respect a woman who keeps her affairs so well in order.”

“Thank you.”

Elizabeth appeared at the head of the table, her arm tucked into the crook of her husband’s arm. William glanced at the chair and it slid out so Elizabeth could take a seat. She sank down, every inch the poised Victorian lady she was.

“I am pleased to make your acquaintance,” she said politely. “I am Elizabeth Mallory. This is my husband, William.”

“I’m absolutely delighted to meet you both,” Daphne said sincerely, and opened her folders. “Like I said, I’m from the Historical Society, and well, strange as all this seems, I’m here to tender an invitation to… well, seems to me, to most of us, that you here in Mallory House are history. We’d like to offer you an invitation to join the Society.”

For the third time in under ten minutes, Daphne surprised them all. Elizabeth traded stunned glances with her husband in the way that any long-married couple did. Both of them faded to mist, the vaguest shapes of humans in a soft cloud. Their thought only took a moment, before thy solidified again. Much to Kevin’s surprise, the rest of the ghosts, all of them, including the ones who almost never appeared.

“I think,” Elizabeth said with a slow, genuine smile. “That we would be most honored to join the Historical Society.”

+++

This Old House:

A haunted house isn’t the usual first choice for a fixer-upper, but Keven likes horror movies, and doesn’t mind when his ghost throw things, as long as they don’t damage the new paint.

Experienced Home-Buying

Living Negotiation (Subscriber-Only!)

White Roses and Deck Railings

Bats at Twilight

Difference of Opinion

Art Treasures of Old

Malicious Smile (Subscriber-Only!)

Family Night (Free on Patreon!)

Stay Creepy

Yelp Rating

+++

More Stories!

+++

[podcastcoach]

Spotify Acquires Blocks For Their Wall

Spotify was in a news a lot this week. They bought Podsites (known for questionable attribution activities) and Chartible (also known for questionable attribution activities ). Alex Jones popped up on the platform. 

SPONSOR: PodcastBranding.co If you need podcast artwork, logos, or a full website (or a branding audit) reach out to Mark at podcastbranding.co not only is Mark an award-winning graphic artist, he is also a podcaster.  He has made the artwork for my last few shows.  Mugshot: Based On a True Story Podcast Ever watch a movie that is based on a true story and wonder how much of the movie is true, Go to basedonatrustorypodcast.com and listen as they compare holly wood to history. MVP: Dog Podcast Network In a dog eat dog world . . . we’ve got you covered. Dog Podcast Network (DPN) is your premiere source for unique content related to our love of dogs. Check out dogpodcastnetwork.com

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Profit From Your Podcast

OC White Podcast Arm

ATR2100 microphone

Adobe Shasta

Jasper AI Tool (conversion)

Surfer SEO

Bramework All in one SEO Writing Tool

Audioburst

Join the School of Podcasting When you join the School of Podcasting you can quit worrying about: Are people going to listen to me? (Yes, cause I'll show you how to see what they want). Am I going to sound stupid? (No, as I'll show you the magic of editing) It will cost a million dollars (No, I'll have you sounding like a million bucks without spending a million bucks).  I don't anything about this technology (You said the same thing about driving).  Get access to: Step-by-step tutorials, live group coaching, a mastermind group filled with brilliant podcasting minds,  and the ability to schedule as many one on one quick fix calls as you like at no extra charge.  Join worry-free with a 30-day money-back guarantee  Go to www.schoolofpodcasting.com/start

TOPICS

01:19 Sponsor:podcastbranding.co 02:35 Mugshot:basedonatruestorypodcast.com 03:32 Spotify News: Chartible 09:33 CPM Pricing 13:48 Whack a Mole with Alex Jones 16:15 Clipping and Audiograms 24:45 Shows Sharing a Feed 29:25 Less of a Direct Connection with Your Feed in Apple 32:39 I don' see my show 35:16 Teachers Pet: dogpodcastnetwork.com 37:03 Where Dave Will Be 39:41 Jasper AI Tool 45:26 Crowdfunding - What is it? 49:15 Youtube Model 50:20 Adobe Shasta 52:33 Patreon Priorities 55:09 Don't You Know Who I Am? 01:00:28 Rebranding a Show 01:04:14 KFC Rebranding 01:07:55 Snake Oil 01:09:03 Libsyn Studio Beta 01:13:59 How to Get Hired at a Media Hosting Company 01:23:23 Backpack Studi 01:26:22 Soundeffects Copyright

Every week Dave Jackson from the School of Podcasting and Jim Collison from the Average Guy Network answer your podcast questions. This episode 382 is part of the Power of Podcasting Network

Check out this episode!

[adam16bit]

Support the Galactic Hunter and 16bit.com Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/galactichunter

These are some new, old, and generally unused graphics for some of the weird projects we try to get supported.   If you have some money, you probably need to keep it for your family and loved ones.  If you have extra money, consider pledging $1 to the Patreon.   It goes to finance things like our web hosting, domain names, digital cameras when ours breaks, new monitors when one goes bust, and the occasional computer repair.  (Sadly, the iMac isn’t as user-repairable as the beige towers of old.)

Do you get anything special? Not really.  I’ve been writing about toys on the internet since August of 1995, and my goal was always to put out as much information as I could, for anyone to read for free, as long as it doesn’t cost me too much money to do so.  Since Team Galactic Hunter went into retirement - or passed - I’m incurring some more costs, so whatever you feel like chipping in - even if it’s nothing - is welcome.

You can also support the sites by buying this stupid pin.  Price includes US shipping.  The money pays for the pin and shipping and Etsy fees... anything else goes into the slush fund for these sites.  (Also records.  I accept donations of old records so I can listen to them when I work.)

https://www.etsy.com/listing/924192617/16bitcom-and-galactic-hunter-collectible

The 16bit.com logo at the top of this post with the swoop was inspired by the games Life Force and Salamander, and was something I was thinking of making into another pin.   There hasn’t been a ton of interest in the “cartridge” pin, but that’s OK - I just wanted to do something that would live on if the site’s plug ever gets pulled.

[transcriptroopers]

Hi again! What kinds of boots are there for various uses (ranging from, say, combat to parade), and how much (in kg) do they usually weigh? :o

This is officially the oldest question in my ask box. I’m a monster. We have different kinds of boots, but we don’t have “parade” boots. If we’re in the Army Service Uniform we wear dress shoes, (unless you’re a tan, red, or green beret, or MP, or probably someone else I forgot) and if we’re in the Army Combat Uniform we wear boots. 

Basically, the army issues you two types of boots: summer boots and winter boots. The winter boots are a bit thicker and the summer boots have a bit more mesh. The summer boots weight a bit less than three pounds total and the winter boots weigh about four pounds total. That’s about it -- those are our initial options.Standard issue boots are terrible. Their padding is awful and they don’t breathe at all and they have like fuck-all traction and honestly they’re just what you’d expect from something standard issue.So any other boot variations aka better boots have to be purchased on your own dime. This includes boot styles we refer to as “jump boots” and “tanker boots.”ALRIGHT let’s pull out ol’ AR 670-1 (no lie part of what took me so long to answer this is that I hate going through 670-1) Wear and Appearance of Army Uniforms and Insignia!But guess what! Boots and wear of boots aren’t included in the original 670-1!! You had to go out and get the handy PAM 670-1, which stands for “pamphlet” which is super-cool army jargon!! We’ll just scroll on down to...tut tut tut...page 123... (you think I’m joking. I’m not).Here we go!As an option, Soldiers may wear commercial boots of a design similar to that of the Army combat boot (tan), asauthorized by the commander. The boots must be between 8 to 10 inches in height and made of tan flesh-side outcattlehide leather, with a plain toe and a soling system matching the color of the tan upper materials. Rubber andpolyether polyurethane are the only outsole materials that are authorized. The soling materials will not exceed 2 inchesin height, when measured from the bottom of the outsole, and will not extend up the back of the heel or boot or overthe top of the toe. The exterior of the boot upper will not contain mesh but will be constructed of either all leather or acombination of leather and nonmesh fabric. Soldiers may wear optional boots in lieu of the Army combat boot (tan), asauthorized by the commander; however, they do not replace issue boots as a mandatory possession item.(b) Optional boots are not authorized for wear when the commander issues and prescribes standard organizationalfootwear for safety or environmental reasons (such as insulated boots or safety shoes). Personnel may wear specialtyboots authorized for wear by specific groups of Soldiers, such as the tanker boot, only if the commander authorizessuch wear. Soldiers may not wear optional boots in formation when uniformity in appearance is required.

Tanker bootSince they used tanker boots as an example, here you go.I’ve gone ahead and bolded a few bits because they’re the most important bit. “By authorization of the commander.” Meaning that if your commander says, “you can fuck right off,” that’s it, you have no leg to stand on, it doesn’t matter that you scoured and found boots that met those exact measurements outlined in the regulation. What the commander says goes, and he doesn’t even have to give a reason for it. Sure sucks when you spend $150 on a new pair of boots and get told you can’t wear them Because Reasons (poor young bitter me).If the commander authorizes, then the type of boot you wear can vary significantly. In my experience, the boots can’t have a visible brand name anywhere on the boot, (lookin’ at you, Rockies) but otherwise as long as they meet regs they can be any make and model.I’ve seen a lot of heated debate over the allowance of a steel toe. Some say the regs clearly state “plain toe,” meaning “not a steel toe,” and others say that it merely means that the toe must be PLAIN, meaning no designs or anything interesting on it. Even now when I bring it up I either get people going “You’re stupid; steel toes have never been allowed” or “Is this a joke?? I’ve been wearing steel toes for fifteen years lmao.” I genuinely hope such an argument appears in the notes of this post. As always though the final word is with the commander. So the regulations don’t actually matter at all. :’D 

You can see a popular retailer with Army Regulation boots here if you’re just looking for style inspiration. Rocky appears to have started making boots without logos -- good for them! Belleville is still around; almost everyone in my unit loved Bellevilles. Fuck Oakleys tho. 

-Kingsley

Was this post informative? Entertaining? Eye-opening? Then consider supporting SPC Kingsley on Patreon!

[xavierfiles-blog]

Entry 🕷️👨 - Spider-Man

Art by Paco Medina

Name: Peter Palmer

Code Names: Spider Man

First Appearance: X-Men #35 (Aug ‘67)

Powers: Does whatever a spider can

Teams Affiliation: The Amazing Friends

About

With great power comes great merchandising potential. There are more toys, wrapping paper tubes, sippy cups, and bags of confetti with the Spider Man logo on it than all other superheroes combined. Turns out kids love a man in a skin tight red jumper. Pete’s sweet uncle Ben getting killed might have been the best thing for him because now he gets all that good good synergy. And you know the only thing more synergistic than a movie/comic/toy/cartoon universe? Tying all of that in with the X-Men.

Portrayed by Tobey Maguire

Peter was a loner who was a bit of a jerk to literally everyone. They didn’t care about science or wheat cakes or sweater vests and were therefore beneath him. He got bit by a spider, got spider powers, and did whatevery teen would do, become a professional wrestler. Spidey, finally having a reason for being so arrogant, decided not to stop a robber because he just didn’t feel like it. That robber ended up vaporizing his sweet, perfect angel of an Uncle Ben and Spider Man decided he would commit his life to doing what Ben would have wanted, helping support his very poor Aunt who loved him and raised him dressing like a spider and punching animal and/or goblin themed bad guys.

Art by Joe Quinones, Joe Rivera, and Rico Renzi

He gained a motley crew of supporting characters like his best friend with stupid cornrows, his best friend’s evil dad, the perfect blonde woman who was secretly in love with his best friend’s evil dad, the red head who the internet just needs to get over, and the most perfect character in the world, John Jonah Jameson Jr. He met up with the WASP-iest mutants of them all, the original X-Men but they didn’t get along because Uncle Ben never taught him what consent was.

Art by Gil Kane and Steve Mitchell

When the SJW got ahold of the X-Men and made them “diverse”, Spider Man viewed Arcade abduct someone and decided to call the X-Men so they could handle it. He was tired of these illegals not pulling their own weight (and don’t try and tell me that the commie Colossus had a visa, he was just over here stealing our superhero jobs). They hung out a couple more times and Peter decided they couldn’t be trusted when they tried to help an old Holocaust victim survive on Battleworld. He stopped returning their phone calls, probably because Spider Man was just too busy teaching the Beyonder how to poop.

Art by Al Milgrom, Steve Leialoah, and M. Hands

Spider Man stopped doing stuff with the X-Men but X-Force was a whole other ball game. They decided to team up alongside two of the Image founders for a fun little jaunt where they didn’t stop the Juggernaut from destroying one of the World Trade Center towers in a story that is retroactively super insensitive. He spent the rest of the 90’s getting cloned and being upset that the X-Men were beating him in sales.

Art by The Rob

Spider Man avoided the X-Men as much as he could but as the 90’s ended he reclaimed his sales titles. As revenge, Teen Jean swapped Sinkt Bub’s mind with the human spider but wasn’t ready for all the nonconsensual actions Wolverine would take. Spider Man continued his bigotry towards mutants after that.

Art by Mark Bagley, Scott Hanna, and J.D. Smith

There was one mutant he respected, Wolverine. Wolverine was the only X-Men popular enough to sustain a solo ongoing and the two bonded when Brian Michael Bendis decided that the Avengers just needed to stop trying to make Wonder Man happen and only focus on the cool and interesting characters. Spidey grew to love Logan’s rough demeanor and Logan loved that fact the Peter never counted the cash in his wallet. The two became fast friends.

Art by Phil Jimenez, Andy Lanning, and Chris Chuckry

In a last-ditch effort to boost sales, Marvel killed off Wolverine, leaving a vacancy at his school. Instead of filling it with any of the X-Men on this list who weren’t being used, they decided that Spider Man should go to Westchester and teach these minority students. He decided to use this opportunity to take the students on dangerous trips to fight dinosaur men with bad intentions instead of, you know, math. Since then he has become a highly successful CEO and decided not to donate any of that money to the M-Pox crisis.

Art by Marco Failla and Ian Herring

Must Read

This is easy, One More Day is the touching story about a man sacrificing everything to protect the woman he loves. Spider Man goes to the depths of hell to save his sickly, geriatric aunt, giving up almost twenty years of character development so that she could have a few more months on this Earth. You can find it on Marvel Unlimited or at the end of several longboxes whose owners decided it was the perfect ending to their Spider Man collection.

Ranking

Spider Man is loved by babies everywhere. thinks things he is great and that one movies wasn’t so bad. He was a neat teacher and did some cool stuff I guess. I think the joke of this article has gotten stale and we can all accept that ranking him isn’t going actually happen so Happy April Fool’s and keep on swinging.

Spider-Man (who, yes, I know has a hyphen in his name nerds) was requested by /u/KookyGuy and /u/temporal712 from the /r/comicbooks Discord server. They are jerks and no one should be friends with them. If you have a request for someone who is actually related to the X-Men how about you send it below? If you want to cut to the front of the line, we have a Patreon you can support for just $1 to get a line cutting reward.

Make sure you check out Legion Quest a new podcast where me and Newsarama reviewer Matt Sibley talk about the FX show Legion. You can follow the show at any of these sources (iTunes | Google Play | Sticher | RSS).

Click here if you want to see the full ranked list, with links to every entry in the Xavier Files so far.

If you liked what you read be sure to follow Xavier Files on twitter, Tumblr, Facebook!

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Entry Key

Entry 🕷️👨 – Spider-Man was originally published on Xavier Files

[auralnauts]

2016 wins. Fatality.

By this point, far too much time and space has been dedicated to opinions about 2016. While we agree that a lot of terrible things happened, what most people forget is that we officially live in a post “Back to the Future 2″ future. This is something I never even considered a real possibility, yet here we are, a hover board-less, flying car-less mess of thoughts and feelings stored on portable computers connected by clouds.

We’re not here to talk about 2016. We’re here to talk about the future, because coincidentally it’s the only direction we’re currently capable of moving. Currently. We’ve got some pretty big plans for the coming year and we’d love to give you an idea of what that might be. But first:

WHO THE HELL ARE THE AURALNAUTS?

Many of you know us fairly well by now, but the vast majority of you still see us as a single faceless astronaut forever trapped in the blackness of space. We are actually two guys living on the east coast of the US that go by the names Zak and Craven.

Zak is the bearded one who you might recognize as The Flash, or the guy yelling about his sweatpants, or getting Skittles shit all over his face. Craven doesn’t show his face too often, but you’ve heard his voice coming out of the mouths of young Larry Kenobi, Yoda and Duke. Craven has backgrounds in sound design and composing. Zak has developed a brand of comedy over the years that one can only gain from not being good at anything else. Together they have combined their powers to create maybe one of the most difficult Youtube channels to describe to your friends.

So what can you expect from these two gents in 2017? Well, thanks to the ongoing generosity of our amazing audience, a lot more than last year!

WE HAVE THE BEST AUDIENCE OF ALL AUDIENCES

We’ve always been hesitant to ask people for help. Call it stubborn pride, but we have trouble asking people for help in most aspects of our lives. Any time someone asks us if we need help, we usually reply with “I’ll figure it out”. This is how someone ends up throwing their back out carrying a 180lb mattress up three flights of stairs on their own. It’s stupid and could have been avoided with a little humility. From time to time someone in our comment sections would suggest that we set up some way for people to donate. This year we finally admitted that yes, if we want to do this full time, we’re going to need some help. So we bit the bullet and set up a Patreon page. Worst case no one contributes and we proceed as we always have, on our own.

But that’s not what happened. Our audience continues to surprise and humble us with their support. Because of everyone who has contributed, we were able to churn out more in the last quarter of 2016 than any other previous year combined. This also provided us with more opportunities to get to know our audience a little better, and honestly you guys are incredibly funny. Between that and the regular commenters from Youtube, I can say without a doubt that our audience is better than any baby Creepio could ever hope to raise.

SO WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?

More of what we felt made 2016 a great year for us. What does that mean?

Episode 6: Despite the odds, we were able to finish Episode 5 before the end of the year. We tried working on it throughout the year and there was too much interference from other work. We freed up some time toward the end of the year, set a deadline for ourselves and made it happen. We were extremely happy with the end result and we can’t wait to jump right into Epsisode 6 to close out the original six part story. 

Kylo Ren: Last year we introduced Kylo Ren to our roster. Since then he’s taken on a weird role as the typical Youtuber of our channel. He’s done reaction videos, movie reviews and let’s plays. There’s a whole world of Youtube videos Kylo can do and we don’t plan on stopping. They’re pretty easy and we have a lot of fun making them.

Auralnauts Podcast: We started a podcast last year. Did you know that? Statistically you probably didn’t. It’s not very well known yet, but it’s getting a great response from those that are listening. This has become the place where we talk about the type of stuff people are always asking us about, like our creative process and our interests outside of Auralnauts. In our most recent episode we even gave you a peak at our sound library and screwed around with it. You can listen to it almost anywhere, like Soundcloud, iTunes, Play or any other podcast listening app you prefer. This year we plan on bringing these to you more frequently.

More shirts: We had some really awesome shirts come out last year. One of them is a version of our new logo by Martin at Drastic Grafix. He really knocked this out of the park and we’re definitely bringing him back for some more gear sometime soon. We also had one incredible fan submission from Jorje Castillo. This showed up out of the blue in our inbox and we were blown away. He’s a super talented artist and we hope to do more with him in the future. Finally we had a submission from our own Zak. It’s one that he’s been trying to get someone else to make for a while and he decided to just do it himself. 

Infomercials: First they gave you enhanced vision with Zoomies, then they changed the way you partied with Beamz. Last year they penetrated your blood brain barrier with Copper. Who are “they” and what do they want from us? We intend to search for an answer this year. 

Other than that we’ll just keep doing what we do, only try to do it more often. In the meantime, become our friends, supporters or both at all these fine places. 

https://www.instagram.com/auralnautsofficial/

https://www.facebook.com/auralnauts/

https://twitter.com/Auralnauts

https://www.patreon.com/auralnauts