#pathological demand avoidance autonomy vibe check is strong

[faithfromanewperspective]

I was listening to music thinking about why I find stuff written by Australian artists so refreshing (especially my real life 21st century merry thieves from my hometown aka 5sos if you're wondering) like is it just the cultural familiarity? But I realised what I was noticing was a distinct lack of something I'm not quite sure how to conceptualise. It's like, a desperate worship of a significant other that borders on (okay a lot of the time is outright) objectification, like I get the vibes of relying on this person or their body to solve everything for you from a lot of american especially songs (I find False God to be a great commentary on it actually and generally have no problems with taylor btw). It's like I want to vibe with a song, I really want to, but it kind of puts me on edge and gives vibes that aren't quite predatory but I also can't quite relax into, like even if it isn't sexual at all I feel like if I put myself in the position of the wrong person in the song, they want something from me. Especially cis straight male artists but like the genders can flip sometimes and occasionally a queer artist can emit the same ~vibe~ whereas with 5sos for example I can put myself into any position in any one of their songs and they do sing about some dark stuff, same goes for the sexier ones too, and feel utterly safe and understood and the vibes are like yeah it might suck now but somehow we'll get through and I don't need to change myself to get there, and somehow that vibe is so strong it can be manufactured into real life and I can just carry it around with me in the world. Even when I'm torn up and grieving and angry, it's safe to feel that with no expectations on how.

And (comparing to America now because that's the controlling patriarchy majority but also western entertainment majority from my pov) I've never been there but the things I hear about subtle sexism or just the entitlement rampant in the evangelical church (and if you know me I'll always wind my way back to manifesting an actually biblically canon following for Jesus preferably soon) and it's like Halloween spooky stories for the more sheltered of us (I am now aware it's most likely really subtle and I wouldn't notice it on first visit) but still. I've been unpacking pda-profile neurodivergent and control trauma for long enough now I know that need for control comes from an unmet need. So before I start ranting about sex ethics (because intimate means safe to me and imo that is Biblically Canon) I just want to say, are you okay, America?

And that when I'm feeling the need to be in control of someone else to feel whole inside I go and lower my demands and access some real kind connection because that is what my brain needs, not control over someone else! Not to mention make boundaries to free myself from feeling like someone else is constantly controlling me. And then because I'm a traumatised bitch and I probably won't feel whole inside anyway I go and blast some 5sos and remind myself things can get better and I'm safe to feel my emotions instead of pushing them down all the time, and if I want to I can make some tasteful joke or meme about it that resonates with someone and bam! I've laid the groundwork for connection! something that this brain desperately needs and is scientifically proven will make me feel better in the long run (provided it isn't the fake kind of connection that wants me to be something I'm not for its happy facade, and I'm genuinely concerned there are whole countries who don't understand this concept) anyway

did I mention I love aussie self-deprecating (but mature about it so we pace our spirals to be regular and interspersed with good parties and d&m's and growth and perspective and wanting to make things better) angst culture?