#party on wayyyyne

[resmarted]

a few reasons i started telling jokey jokes on stage include ppl telling me since i was a small child that i need to do standup and the fact that locally people have always been able to identify me; in this sense i have always felt some version of cult fame bc everyone who has seen me once remembers it and can recall it when they spot me in a room but no one ever really knew The Story and i felt like eventually i would have to start telling it in a broader sense for public consumption if i was going to keep on living this measly stupid little life. in addition to putting to rest the elephant in the room and essentially finding ways to very quickly and lightly answering “wtf happened to her face” i have many other things i am called to speak on that i think everyone should be constantly speaking about in as many spaces as possible. also i didn’t write my first standup until after a suicide letter where i was listing my passwords and trying to explain in a nice fun to remember way why i couldn’t be here anymore, in a way that made everyone laugh more than cry. then i read it back and was like omg this is actually not bad and would maybe be kind of helpful to other ppl who also hate their face and their existence and can’t bear to live on this earth anymore in this stupid gross fucked up world. i wrote and edited down many many many versions of that until i got down to a solid five minutes i was proud of, performed it for the first time with the stance that this could be responded to with crickets in the room and that was okay because *i* thought it was funny and it made *me* laugh, and it was specifically meant for other ppl who were also dead inside and found nothing to smile about anymore bc they were also severely depressed and blah blah blah. it ended up killing the room and i was validated in my existence for the first time probably ever and other people who are also dead inside came up to me after and were like i was having the worst [period of time] in my life and haven’t laughed like that in so long. the problem is my story is longer and i have a lot more to say than the typical five minute mic allots, so really i rarely do the stuff about my face unless you pay to see the full show bc i have so much other stuff to say and am constantly adding shit to the list, and i am INSUFFERABLE okay nobody likes me everybody hates me guess i’ll go eat worms etc. i go back into my hole for long stretches of time until i am inevitably pulled back to talk about more things, which needs to be prefaced once again with the obligatory face material and edited down to at most 8-10mins for a regular show lineup which means i can get maybe 3-5 of what i Want to say IF i’m lucky. look. it’s like a whole thing, okay? it’s a whole fucking thing and im a whole lot to handle. i have to find reasons to force myself to live on a regular basis and that’s just part of the process. it’s like when you’re young you grow up in a community where people KNOW you and then you get older and suddenly have to find your own communities where people can know you again, and getting to know me is like a very long exhausting ordeal for anyone to take on. so i am basically just like scribbling on the bathroom wall that is the internet at all times so people will be aware that i once existed if i ever do kick it, i’ll have at least attempted to leave my mark. i traverse various art forms in this quest (comedy music other forms of writing etc) and nothing ever really sticks for long and i sort of come and go through all of them in waves. idk what to tell you man i don’t really like me either