#part of the PCOS life I suppose

[prudencepaccard]

I was legitimately so fucking cute

kept being compared to Eugene Levy as if that's a bad thing. The antisemitism was hugely disturbing though

[candywife333]

Delulu is the Solulu

PART 1- Hairy Big Toe

AND PART 1 is finally out. Planning 2-3 parts for this.

Chubby OC (with PCOS) x simp idol Jungkook

No proofreading done

Summary: Our OC (Lee Ireum) loves Jungkook of BTS to pieces. She loves him through the distance of her screen and in fact is one of his avid fan club members. She is running for president of the ARMY fan club in her home town. But, she has a peculiarity about her, that even her fellow members in arms don't know about her. She never wants to meet them. She never wants to meet BTS, and she especially never wants to meet Jungkook. She believes in never meeting your heroes because they will end up disappointing you, eventually. To hold up this ideal, she has never been to their in person events. However, though she has never been to a fan meet ,she is supposed to attend one the coming week (at the blackmailing insistence of one of her friends). Yet, she had started to text a dude through a popular dating app around the same time all of this was happening.

It had started out as a prank, this dating profile. She would post sexy pics , have amusing chats with thirsty dudes, and then block them for the shits and giggles. Living the true online play girl life, something she would never do in real life cause of insecurities. The odd thing with the dude she is texting though is that the time stamps of the texts are not showing up in Korean time, it almost seemed like Eastern standard time. And the odder thing was that closer to her fan meet date, the time stamps changed back to korean standard time. The question was, who exactly was she chatting with?

Description : This fic will be written with chat messages in between (dilineated by bullets), alternating with the usual writing.

Disclaimer: The character of Jungkook in this fic is not a true representation of his real life actions or personality. Please treat this is fiction.

Triggers: voyeurism, dub-conish , body insecurity (chubby hairy OC incoming)

I opened up my phone to see the recent chats I had received from the new dating app I signed up for a week back. Damn, so many requests within a few hours from when I finished updating my blank profile with pics of myself (of course since it is just a thirst trap account without my face) which were just way too scandalous for real life. I opened up the first chat that I received.

bunnyboy7- Show me your tits🤤

The hell, guys were that straightforward? I thought I would at least get a little segue and introduction, luring me in, before being asked for my literal boobs in a pic.

strawcakes4- Excuse me? Sir this is a Wendy's drive through👵.

bunnyboy7- Then, at least show me your ass🍑

Damn, this dude was way too relentless. I didn't even show a hint of cleavage in my actual pics on the dating profile to signal that I might be open to showing anybody anything. How did this random guy, think he had the honor of seeing first my tits? and then my bare ass? I guess dude didn't yet know that I had a hairy ass. Even monkeys would be envious. I even had a few hairs on my tits. I grew chest hair before guys in my class did. Even had upper lip hair to match. Had to get that little bitch ripped off my face every Sunday with my handy dandy waxing pot, otherwise I would be sporting a rather impressive moustache most of the time. Dude, didn't know what he was even asking for.

strawcakes4- I think you have the wrong number Sir Bunny

bunnyboy7- Trust me baby, you won't regret me.

strawcakes4- What are you going to say next? champagne confetti? too predictable dude. You think you are JK or something🤨?

bunnyboy7- In fact yes I do, my fair lady. (5:00 AM EST)

strawcakes4- They say the world is made up of mostly sane poeple. I am beginning to doubt this claim. Delulu is not the solulu my friend. 😌No matter how much you and I both wish you were JK, that is not reality.

bunnyboy7- Ok, well how about you assume I am JK and why don't you show your favorite , cutest global pop-star your bellybutton then? Ask not what your JK can do for you, but what you can do for your JK. It is for a noble cause.

strawcakes4- Excuse me? how desperate are you dude? We progressed from ass, to tits, to belly button? You have a fetish or something? And now you claim to be JK---THE SHEER AUDACITY?! JK would be too busy earning millions ,performing at times square, eating noodles drenched in perilla oil, hanging out with calvin klein models. He would not be sitting here looking so pathetic.

bunnyboy7- Sometimes stars have needs too. Ok!? We don't have models gyrating 10 feet away from us all the time, contrary to popular opinion. And sometimes we do our own laundry. Is that so hard for you to fucking believe?!

What were the odds of this guy actually being jungkook? He was probably a troll or delusional fanboy who thought he was JK. He sure was putting in a lot of effort to convince me though. Rolling my eyes, I scrolled further down to reply:

strawcakes4- clutching my forehead in disbelief you need to get over yourself dude. If you are Jungkook, I am bloody britney spears. I am not sending nudes or sexting you. OFF to HORNY JAIL WITH YOU, YOUNG MAN!! 🔥If you were truly JK, you wouldn't be begging, you would already be receiving. bunnyboy7- Fine, fine fine, if you can't send me nudes or sext with me, let's play a game of 20 questions.

strawcakes4- Ok?

bunnyboy7- What does your pussy look like? describe it in no less than 20 words. Your timer starts now😉

This dude had balls of steel, he even wanted a pussy description. He would probably run for the hills if he actually saw my furry snatch in person. Chewing on my lip, deliberating my next response, I typed out:

strawcakes4- Ok, "JK", I think …………….I have contracted syphilis from my step father in Transylvania and I am about to die. So………….I am leaving the chat…………….to go get it treated.

bunnyboy7- Don't lie to me like that strawbaby!!! Don't you dare leave this chat.

------Strawcakes4 has left the chat

bunnyboy7- Goddamnit. Ok forget about pussy. At least show bobs.🤤 (5:10 AM EST)

bunnyboy7- Fuck, I came on to her way too hard I guess

Giggling and kicking my feet as I lay on my bed, I chuckled, sounding like a pig snorting in the process. At least he figured out, that he was coming on to me way too hard and way too inappropriately.

I sat there contemplating whether I should delete his chat log and block him. I usually did that after 2-3 interactions with particularly horny dudes, or even after 1 interaction with really annoying clingy guys. Here for a good time, not a long time fellas. I was literally baffled when some of them were using me for therapy sessions. Like, why should I do so much unpaid work?! Like hell I was wasting my time talking to these dudes constantly .

I didn't mind flirting, bantering and eventually sharing pics after building a rapport (not like I kept them for long in my dms either way). But the way this dude had come on so strong was perplexing and rather irritating. I had come across this type of behavior from many other dudes. But he was the first one to not even say Hi. Usually the other dudes had decency to atleast greet her and then start their lewd demands. Pathetic buffoon.

I flopped onto my back, sighing over the fact that I would have to attend that fan meet in a few days. I did not want to meet any of the members of BTS. The only idols I had an intention of meeting in my life were MAMAMOO. I loved their vibe and would feel comfortable in their presence. My main reason for wanting to meet was also so I could ask Hwasa to step on my face with her high heels. The lady was a divine goddess. Sometimes I just wished I was lesbian, because so many things would be easier. Finding men attractive, was a curse.

Running for president of our BTS fanclub in our hometown was a feat. You can only print out so many posters of Jimin's luscious lips, and Jin's windswept perfectly tousled hair, before you get tired of seeing them. Somedays I got so tired of doing BTS related activities, like chaperoning younger armys to attend their music shows and meets in Korea. It was fine when I was a younger teen in middle school, but as a college junior it felt taxing at times.

I had seen the members from afar but never went to actual fan meets where you could interact or talk to them. Convinced it would lead to disillusionment at their carefully manufactured images and heartache, I rejected attending those type of meets. My baby members always pushed me attend, wanting me as a chaperone so their parents would feel comfortable with them attending. I just couldn't though, and they would stare back at me with their puppy dog eyes disheartened at my refusal. But, something about my attitude as a fan had changed. I still loved them to the moon and back, but I guess it was getting tiring.

I had different priorities I guess, like getting a new job with the marketing degree I was to graduate with next year. I groaned at the prospect of finding a place to live next year. My dorm room would be gone and I would have to look for a flat since mom and dad lived in the countryside.

Two days later, I was met with another stream of texts from the same person, bunnyboy7. Why in the fucking hell was he bothering me now? Especially with the dreaded fan meet I had to attend in a few days. Armies looked out for each other, and the main reason for me to attend wasn't honestly even about running for president. It was the responsibility of looking after the young, impressionable minds that would be attending. Had to make sure they didn't get hurt in a crowd, or break down. You would be surprised how many people tended to cry a river and lose their bloody mind when seeing their favorite idols.

I opened the chat log:

bunnyboy7- you there angel? my beautiful goddess? temptress of my dreams, or shall I say tittytress of my fantasies😏😏

I scoffed as I stared at the screen, what the hell was he on? weed? nicotine? You would think one rejection would be enough to get my point across, to convey my distaste.

strawcake4- Ummmmm. Why are you still talking to me dude? I am not interested in sexting or nudes. Leave me alone, I am way too busy for this right now

bunnyboy7- I have been fisting myself everyday to the pic you posted of yourself in a see through black babydoll dress with your tits drooping down , perfect size for my hands to squeeze. I almost came as I could see your thick thighs, just the right size to have wrapped around my neck as I lick your juicy little pussy😜 Please at least take pity on a poor man and post a feet pic. (7:00 AM KST)

strawcake4- Ok dude, this convo has prolonged far enough. If you have a boner, I will deflate it in two seconds flat, that's all I need. My toes are hairy, my tummy is hairy, my legs are ......you guessed it hairy and so is the rest of my body. I look like a cross between a chubby baboon and a chimpanzee. Now , unless you are into bestiality, you won't want to engage further with me. Leave me the fuck alone.

I expected no response from him, confident in my abilities to turn off men. The dude would have deleted the chat by now. Checking out of sheer curiosity, I was shocked, gasping as sweat beaded on my hairline, at his reply:

bunnyboy7- It's ok baby, we can just shave it all off if it bothers you, no biggie. 😋But I like my pussies hairy , a whole jungle, so don't worry in the least. And I can tell just from your pics, that I would drown in your pussy and never come up for air. It would be a glorious way to go, don't you think darling 🤓

I was breathless as I stared at his text, what the hell did he mean? He didn't mind all the body hair and my fat little self?

strawcake4- stop messing around dude, you are just lying. Now let us just end the convo, you are fooling nobody.

bunnyboy7- Who said I was lying baby😏. Just send one pic of your choosing of your body. And I will prove it to you. (7: 05 AM KST)

I shouldn't be doing this. But my fingers moved to my photo gallery and I picked out one pic I had taken in dim light of my tits and tummy, intact with strawberry red lingerie that showed hints of fine downy hair here and there. He would probably be turned off and we could end this interaction. I paused several minutes, indecisive about sending the pic.

bunnyboy7- You still there babe? please babygirl, I am salivating at the thought of you. Send a pic, any pick. The mere thought of you is keeping me on the verge of cumming. (7: 10 AM KST )

I took a deep breath, not dragging the pic through my editing app, and clicked SEND, closing my eyes at the thought of what I had just done, wincing a little. I peeked at the screen with one eye open, he was typing. I almost jolted up towards the ceiling as I saw what he had written, my panties getting damp involuntarily.

bunnyboy7- OMG BABY🤤🤤I can't handle all your beauty. The perfect tits, tipped with chocolate brown areolas. I could just bite into them. And that gorgeous collection of pudge around your belly, your skin and flesh looks so soft. I can't believe I am saying this but........I would even lick your armpits and your asshole if you would let me. Totally my dream girl. I am cumming, oh ma god , I can't hold back anymore.

Before, I could reread his text, I received a pic. WTF!!!! My soul almost left my body, it was a pic of cum all squirted out , translucent and stringy onto his plain white sheets.

bunnyboy7- A tribute to you my luscious goddess. If only I could see you in motion, in 3D babe, to truly worship you. (7: 15 KST)

Something in my brain started tugging at me as I sat there on my bed stunned at all his proclamations of lust. Wait, when did his time zone change from EST to KST??? Didn't Jungkook just come back to Korea a few days back? It definitely couldn't be him , right ? We already had a joking convo about that. What type of reverse psychology was he using, if it was actually him?

I was about to dismiss the thought from my head when I saw his cum pic. Wait, I had seen that tattoo somewhere. His pic had part of his hand in the frame. If you weren't an army who had hung up his posters all of your school, you might not have a clue. But, the M on one of his knuckes, was a big give away. I still found it hard to believe even with the evidence. Why would Jungkook of BTS, the beloved, hot and happening global popstar, be texting me? And what had become of my vow never to interact with them?

Had I actually just now talked to Jungkook? And seen his cum sprayed all over his sheets? and had him simping over hairy little, big foot me? Since when did people like me talk with people like them?

[adhdstudybitch]

I feel like I only post on this blog when I want to bitch about health issues, but it's really the only place to do so safely in my life. And people here understand. I really appreciate this community.

Today's TMI problems (tw menstruation):

Me thinking it's totally normal to pass large chunks of uterine lining often bigger than a quarter at least once every period. Only today, when I noticed it was particularly large and odd-looking, did I release I may be passing blood clots.

The last few periods have been super heavy, painful, and nauseating. I'm flying through tampons and pads (I haven't needed to wear pads since I was a teenager, and I fucking hate them). And all this when I'm not even supposed to be getting periods. I'm on birth control, and I've skipped the placebo for the last seven months, yet I've gotten my period like 8 times. Granted, I forgot to pick my meds up and went without for a week. I immediately got my period, then went back on birth control. That was two weeks ago, and I'm having a ridiculously heavy period again! I can't stand this.

My birth control is one of the ones they recommend for reducing heavy periods and decreasing clotting, so what the fuck do I do?

I have a sonohysterogram in two weeks - if I don't have my period the day of. The funny/frustrating thing about making the appt was that they kept trying to nail down when I'd have my period, if I thought I wouldn't get it before the 22nd, and I'm thinking "my dude, the unpredictability of my period is literally a big reason why I'm making this appointment." We have to see if the thicker part of my uterine lining is a polyp, and if it is, that could be causing the heavy bleeding and clotting. At this point, I just really want the entire system yanked out. I'm already dealing with PCOS and now I have to potentially worry about endometriosis, and yall, I'm so damn tired. I just need my body to cooperate for once. FOR ONCE.

Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I'll try to post some nicer things now :)

[intersex-support]

Hi, I'm in the process of getting tested for both PCOS and NCAH, so I think I likely am intersex but I just wanted to share part of my story if that's alright.

(cw- genital talk, sorry) I was born with an enlarged clitoris and a hypertrophic, partially fused labia. No surgeries were performed but my parents were told that I would qualify for 'cosmetic surgery' if I wanted it when older. My parents were also told my genitals were 'slightly unusual' but also 'common amongst girls.' I was assigned female and raised that way, without any question. I don't think my parents have ever considered I might be intersex. It simply wasn't acknowledged.

I have struggled with gender dysphoria for a long time and only recently put the pieces together (in my case, ambiguous genitalia + slight hyperandrogenism) that I am intersex. I guess I'm just feeling confused. Was I really intersex from birth, or were my doctors right? If I had known earlier, could I have predicted the PCOS/NCAH diagnosis that I'm currently seeking? Does it matter?

I think that discovering so much about myself all at once (my mother only recently admitted to that doctor's commented on my genitals) is a lot to take in. Sorry for this messy rant. I suppose I just want reassurance that it's okay to feel lost, but also found, angry, relieved and a million other things.

Hi anon.

Thank you so much for sharing. Your ask really resonated with me. I have CAH and recently found out that at birth, doctors spent a long time commenting on my genitalia and refused to assign me a sex for several days. For a long time, I had thought that my intersex traits only became noticeable at puberty, and it really was a shock to learn they had been visible at birth! Even though I had always been intersex my whole life, it was overwhelming to realize that information had been purposefully hid from me.

Intersex variations are lifelong and congenital, meaning that every intersex person is born intersex, and will always be intersex throughout our life. If our intersex traits aren't visible at birth or that information is hidden from us, many of us might not find out until later in life, when our intersex traits become noticeable, or when we can investigate our intersex traits as adults. Every intersex person is intersex our whole lives, and all of our experiences are valid.

It is a pretty common intersex experience that when we have intersex traits at birth, a lot of time our parents are not told that we are intersex, and doctors use a lot of euphemisms to talk about our genitalia and surgery options. It sounds like you are intersex, have been intersex since birth, but that doctors were not interested in exploring to make a diagnosis at birth or sharing that information with your family. If you're able to access your medical records, sometimes more specific information can be written down that might give context to comments doctors make, but that isn't always accessible.

I know how overwhelming it can be to learn all these new things about your body and experiences, and I really do want to affirm that it makes so much sense that you would be navigating these complicated feelings of loss and relief at the same time. It can finally feel like things are clicking and that you've finally found something you've been missing your whole life, but also at the same time feel that rage and grief that you weren't able to access that knowledge early to be able to understand yourself. Especially when we have painful, difficult, or confusing experiences with our bodies, our gender, dysphoria, etc, it can feel really complicated to discover that we're intersex and that if things had gone differently, we might have been able to navigate those experiences differently. You deserve to have room to explore and express all these feelings, whether that's through talking with other intersex people or just expressing your emotions in any way. If you want support during this process of self discovery, you are welcome to send an ask off anon to join our discord server, or join support groups like InterConnect and Club Intersex.

Really just want to send all the good energy your way, and know that you are absolutely not alone in what you've shared. This is such a common intersex experience and we really understand the emotional roller coaster it can be to navigate all this. You are allowed to make your own meaning from this and decide what matters to you, and you are in control of any steps you want to take to seek or not seek official diagnosis and testing.

Sending all the love and solidarity 💛💜💛

[studywgabi]

Vagina Insecurities!

This, like any story worth telling, is all about a an adult woman with the sex drive of a 13-year-old boy. It is also one that no one asked for. This is an extreme overshare about my self-esteem, body, and sex life (sex death?), and why I'm still a virgin despite being hornier than a teenage methhead rabbit. Yeah, I want to have sex. Fucking sue me. I want to date, I want to fall in love, and I want to be railed. There it is. Let's talk about it!

I don't hear songs with lyrics like "pussy so good, I say my own name during sex" or "kitty on fleek" and think "yeah, me too. I totally get where you're coming from. This song really resonates with me because my kitty is, in fact, also on fleek."

I hate every part of my body, but especially those parts. My pussy is all lopsided. (There's a sentence that's never been typed before). My right labia minora (my right, not someone who was facing me) is more than twice as long as my left. It's too dark and while I'm all for bell bottoms and Fleetwood Mac, I could do without my thick, PCOS pubic hair (that extends to my stomach and thighs) being '70's style. I'm perfectly healthy and luckily I've never had any kind of infection, but my natural smell is just awful, and whole-body deodorant only seems to irritate my skin and make it worse. I follow all the rules religiously: just soap and warm water, "breathable" cotton underwear, yogurt and cranberry juice, but that's just the way I am. I smell terrible. Not unhealthy, just bad. Absolutely unbearable.

I hate my breasts because they're too small and look like they've already withstood 90 years of gravity instead of just 18. I'm a 34B, which is fairly average and would make sense if I were thinner, but is really unproportional at my weight. I feel like, being my size, I should be a C at least, but I carry all my weight in my stomach and not in my curves. My areolas are too dark, too big, and have these weird bumps on them, almost like acne. My entire chest is covered in dark hair, not just a few pluckable strays around my nipples, but my whole breasts and my sternum, along with every other square inch of my body.

My breasts act like cranky old neighbors in a vicious feud that started as mild annoyance over Left's dachshund always getting into Right's backyard, but escalated into flat-out suburban warfare, complete with brutal rhododendron sabotage. I'm the granddaughter trying to coax them into talking out their differences, but I just can't convince them no matter what I do. They stick out (barely) the wrong way- away from each other and down rather than up and straight ahead like they're supposed to. They're called headlights for a reason, but with these, I'd crash right into the car in front of me and end up totaling both of us.

I'd overshare on the internet about my 2-dimensional ass, too, except there's nothing to say. If you only saw me from the back, you would think I had gone through a car compacter. I am the "before" picture in the commercial for BBLs. I don't have a feminine shape. There is zero difference between my waist and hips.

I would feel so ridiculous in lingerie, like I was an actor in a silly skit. I bought some nice underwear just for me, hoping it would make me feel a little more confident even if no one else was going to see it, but it's just putting lipstick on a pig. Even wearing a nice dress feels so strange and pointless to me, because nothing I do could ever make me look on the outside like the woman I feel like on the inside. I feel like I don't deserve nice clothes and that I can't justify spending time or money on my appearance. I'm trying to move away from that, but it's an uphill battle when everything I've ever heard about bodies that look like mine are that they should be hidden, that they're something to be ashamed of, and that they're completely undesirable. I would like to think of myself as beautiful, and maybe I'll get there someday, but thinking of myself as sexy just feels impossible. I wish my body were my own. I wish my opinion about my body was mine. I wish that I belonged to myself. If you can relate to any part of this in any way, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm a total pussy when it comes to sex (ha. ha. ha.). The thing that's holding me back is fear. I am so, so scared. I'm scared I would get hurt. I'm scared adding physical intimacy into the mix would make a bad breakup a thousand times worse. I'm scared he would tell horror stories about the ugliest girl and the worst lay of his life to his friends, his future girlfriends, for their entertainment and sympathy. I'm scared he would compare me to his past girlfriends and regret breaking up with them. Most of all, I'm scared he would laugh. I'm scared he would see my body and be disgusted but amused. I'm scared he would think of me as a car crash: so horrible you can't look away. I'm scared he would find me morbidly fascinating.

I don't have sagely advice on this one. I'm insecure, and I know I shouldn't be, and I don't want to be, but I am. And it's holding me back from doing something I really (really) want to do. I guess I just wanted to be honest. I may be a crock pot, but if you're patient, I can burn just as hot as a microwave.

[pcos-and-endo-awareness]

If it's fine to ask, could you please talk a bit about clitomegaly ? Due to my PCOS I'm starting question if I'm intersex and that was one of the symptoms I feel like I have due to...let's say being aware that part of me feels different

To be honest with you, I had no idea what that word was and I had to look it up. 😅

Enlarging of the clitoris is usually caused by sexual excitement, but it can also be caused by excess testosterone. If you have PCOS, your hormones are imbalanced. It can cause clitromegaly, but in very few cases. You will also likely see other of the hyperandrogen symptoms such as excessive hair growth, acne, and/or baldness. These symptoms may make you feel “less womanly”, but they can also be reversed with correct medication. I’d ask your doctor for an anti-androgen such as spironolactone.

I think intersex is defined at birth, but I suppose it could be diagnosed later if your genitals change throughout life. If you want to identify as intersex, please keep researching and reaching out to others for community. I hope you can confer with a doctor and feel comfortable in your own skin, no matter what gender you identify as.

[ithappensblog]

nice to meet you

Hi, I’m Jenny and welcome to my blog. In this post, I want to share with you some of the highlights and challenges of my life so far, and how I’m trying to find my purpose and happiness in this world.

I’m almost 34 years old and still struggling to figure out my life. Aren't we all? I’ve gone to school for a diploma program in Medical Laboratory Technician/Phlebotomy, a diploma program for Accounting Technician, and started my Human Resource Management diploma program too. I’ve always wanted to be an RN but, life and my body had other plans for me. I’ve always been interested in learning new things and pursuing different careers, and I've finally found one which fulfills me. I have a really good job now, but I’m not really supposed to talk about what I do so I’m going to leave that part out, but it’s finally something I’m good at and something I enjoy doing. It pays well and gives me flexibility and stability. It also challenges me and allows me to use my skills and creativity.

I have a husband who I’ve been with for 10 years now. Jason has helped me grow into a much better person and loves me unconditionally. He supports me in everything I do and encourages me to follow my dreams. I have 2 stepsons who have given me a run for my money but I still love them both at the end of the day. They are growing up so fast and I’m proud of the young men they are becoming. After an incredibly challenging fertility journey, I have my almost 5 year old daughter who is bright, caring, funny, and wise beyond her years. She is the light of my life and the reason I smile every day. I always tell her she saved my life, and it's true, but I won't tell her how until she's much older.

I have a passion for traveling and exploring new places. We try to do a big family vacation once a year and just this year decided that one trip a year should be spent nurturing our relationship. I love animals and have two dogs and three cats who keep me company and make me laugh. I’m on a journey to self love after spending my entire life as an overweight underdog. I’ve struggled with my body image and self-esteem for as long as I can remember, but I’m learning to accept myself and love myself for who I am. I have a daughter now, and I owe it to her to be kind to myself as the way I behave in front of her will be a reflection of how she treats her own body.

I live with many invisible illnesses both mentally and physically but try my best to get through every day. Some of the conditions I deal with are anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, insulin resistent PCOS, Chronic Kidney Disease, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, and more. Yeah, I know, it fucking sucks. But, I'm definitely not here to gain pity for my health problems. By looking at me, you'd think the only problem I'd had in my life was enjoying one too many cheeseburgers. Some days are better than others, but some days are really hard. I try to be positive and optimistic, but sometimes I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I’m grateful for the support of my family, friends, doctors, therapists, and online communities who help me cope and understand that I’m not alone.

I grew up in Guelph, Ontario and ventured back to Sudbury, Ontario after leaving my now ex-husband which was the best decision I’ve ever made. He was an interesting choice to say the least, and for the longest time I felt so trapped. It took me a long time to gather the courage to leave him, but when I did, I felt free and empowered. It was a turning point in my life that led me to meet my current husband and start a new chapter.

I’m thankful for this beautiful life I live. It’s not perfect, but it’s mine. And it’s full of love, laughter, learning, adventure, growth, gratitude, and hope. Thank you for reading this post even though you're probably rolling your eyes at yet another new overnight brainchild. But I'm going to try to use this as an outlet to heal and grow from the shit life throws my way, and hopefully inspire others to do the same along the way.

[steddie-island]

I was going to put this in the notes but you know what? Nah. I keep wanting to talk about it and then backing off but like. Nah today, y'all get to hear about what happened last year because this shit is important.

To try to keep a long story short (and get to the point that actually has something to do with OP's post) we're going to do as much of a speedrun as we can for what happened to me last year. I'm not known for being able to condense things super well but we're gonna try anyway!

In April I had a massive bleeding episode that landed me in the hospital. I thought it was just a heavy period, I have PCOS and was used to those, but nah. It was Bad. They gave me medicine, it slowed down until I ran out and had another (though less severe) episode. I was put on birth control but every month the bleeding was just so heavy and the pain so severe I could barely leave my house.

After I stood up in the bathroom one day and then literally had to rest my forehead against the wall to keep from passing out I decided to do some research, then went to urgent care three times trying to say "Hey I think I'm severely anemic, these are my symptoms, can you check this?" One of those visits ended with me going to the hospital for the second time that year in a trip that could have been avoided if the doctor looking me over had just fucking asked what birth control I'm on. But he didn't.

I finally called a doctor's office a friend had recommended to me because no one else was listening. I got in to a woman who not only listened to me and believed me when I told her that I was anemic, she apologized for the way I had been medically mistreated not just as a woman but as a fat patient. She did tests, found out that yes, I was severely anemic. We started doing iron transfusions and looking into what had happened.

Turns out I had a fibroid in my uterus that made any other treatments for heavy periods pretty much useless. She sent me to a surgeon to talk about me getting a hysterectomy. The consult went great, I left crying happy tears because I was finally being listened to and wouldn't have to deal with severe pain and bleeding for the rest of my life.

Fast forward to October. I had requested the time off work, made all the arrangements that needed to be made. I was hooked to an IV, scrubbed up, ready to go back to the OR. There were last minute changes that had to be made regarding how the surgery would be handled. Something that was supposed to be a one day outpatient thing ended up being a 2 night stay in the hospital. It was a much more difficult recovery, I had to take an extra week unpaid from work because it was genuinely a much more traumatizing experience than expected, and I hadn't had any time at all to prepare.

My doctor reached out to check up on me after a week. I explained the last minute changes, and how I had felt like I was an afterthought when this man had to go in and cut me open, and he couldn't even tell me for sure later what all had been done/ removed. (He literally said they "may have" left part of my cervix in. Like???)

My doctor was pissed. She started filing complaints with the hospital. They told her that the complaints really needed to come from me and she said basically said "bullshit this patient is in my care and this isn't her responsibility, she came to me and I'm going to help with this." And she did. She called, and complained, and she got him on the phone to get me the answers that he couldn't give me the day of my surgery.

She was nice, but he still got a dressing down, and she told me recently that she could tell he was very humbled by the feedback she had passed along. She's also stopped recommending any of her patients go to him, at least for the time being. She hasn't sent anyone to him since my debacle in October.

I love my doctor, and I trust her with my life (literally.) And whether they do it politely the way I know my PCP did, or if they're yelling at each other the way the post says? Fuck yes, this should be normalized.

Doctors should have to listen to their patients. Doctors should fucking believe their patients. And if they aren't listening, and believing? Then yeah, they should get knocked down a few pegs when someone does finally figure it out.

Doctors should snark at each other more, be a bit mean. Not for no reason, mind you. But if five doctors blow me off about symptoms and doctor number six FINALLY runs actual tests and gets a diagnosis, I think it should be Doctor Six's right to call up the other five and tell them they're lazy pieces of shit. That should be socially encouraged. Those first five doctors clearly can't listen to patients, but maybe another doctor might finally get to them.

[darkoceanknight-blog]

I am currently dealing with my Diabetes 2, being overweight, being older, having PCOS, & currently having tooth/jaw pain. I have to have the last 6 of my top teeth taken out & get dentures. I don’t have a job & am looking into online gigs/hustles/jobs. I absolutely hate not having my own money.

I am grateful for my family, because without them, I might be homeless. I know 2 people that have been homeless, & I don’t think I’m up for it. I keep feeling like I’m failing, & I can’t get out of this sh*t show. Comments from my parents & even a supposed friend are hurtful.

I just feel so tired, sore, worn out, & down in the dumps. I know there’s hope, but it’s very hard to see/feel/believe in at the moment.

I wake up tired, whether I get 6 or up to 10 hours of sleep. Sometimes I want to stay in my dreams & never wake at all.

I thought my life would be so different than it is currently, & I’m not sure what to do, how to get through this.

This is a part of my writing/journaling. Hopefully one day, I’ll look back & know that this was my low point. Thank you for stopping by & reading.

May you have a fantastic day & never lose hope. AEA

[rrking]

Me who never posts on Tumblr

Also me in my notes:

Not being funny I have a legit fantasy involving being pounded in the back of a Hummer truck after I saw that in an adult film LMAO

This is just a story based on that but from the perspective of someone quite closeted and inexperienced, I've been using writing to navigate my own feelings and this was one of the pieces

Plot: Girl in late 20s has first experience with real intimacy with her boyfriend in a car, (it's a nice car mind) after most of her life being afraid or avoidant of sex and intimacy. The boyfriend is a well known actor, which only adds to the uncertainty - and he knows this, but he tries to convince her that he wants to be together and he wants this, because he's just a person too.

Most of the story is her thoughts and feelings as described by her spiralling internal monologue.

❌NSFW❌

❌M/F PAIRING❌

❌DESCRIPTIONS/MENTIONS OF PREVIOUS SEXUAL RELATED TRAUMA❌

(I was groomed by an older man online when I was 16/17. I'm trying to heal from this even ten years on and that's part of the reason I wrote this.)

I can't believe I agreed to go up this stupid mountain with him. I already hate being stuck in a car, but how we're stuck at the top of some fucking mountain in the middle of nowhere.

To be fair, I would have said yes to anything considering I'm flying home tomorrow, and... Well...

LA looks beautiful from up here. I can see the entire city, from the centre to the stacked rows of houses on each side. I can see his house too... Maybe even our house, one day. What a dream.

My boyfriend is an actor, one of many trying to make it in Hollywood.

Well, he's already 'made it', actually. That's why I was so confused when he took any interest in me. But I don't see him as some big shot actor. He's just... Him.

Genuine, laid back, smart and funny - he even has a (good) sarcastic sense of humour which, I've honestly never known of in an American national. Oh, he's good at playing guitar and singing too - a talent I never thought I would truly appreciate. He likes the same obscure, terrible bands that I do - but not in an obnoxious way. We connected through music mainly, but our mutual love of sport was the first connecting bridge.

Then, there's the fact he's a bit older than me... Quite a lot, actually. About 11 years to be exact. It doesn't bother me so much because I've dealt with older men many a time - they're easy for me to attract apparently. Talk about being born in the wrong era. They say I'm an old soul.

But he isn't like that. He's kind and mature and caring... All the things that those men in my past masked themselves to be. There's no manipulative tactics being used - he's just one of the guys.

I mean, I was kind of surprised when he didn't find it weird or emasculating for me as a woman to enjoy and follow major league baseball to the extent I do. I had only been in the loop for around 2 years at this point, but I have developed a clear interest in it - and apparently, we even have the same team.

I felt such a connection the first time we spoke about the players and other teams.

He gets me.

The man points to a large building with specks of light hitting off the glass. It's one of the biggest in the city - his talent agency.

"That's my office. Pretty clear from up here, huh?" he asks, smiling as he looks over at me from the steering wheel. Wow... He's so handsome, especially when the sunlight hits his face just right.

"I've never been a fan of heights but... This looks cool," I reply, sweeping my eyes along the skyline. I want to remember this view forever... Even if it doesn't work out between us - which it never does. I've never had much luck when it comes to dating. I always guessed I just didn't have an attractive aura or I was just... One of the guys. I was never tomboyish or anything, so I always wondered where this unwanted masculinity came from. I have PCOS, which could explain some of it, I suppose. I try not to think about it - because that's when my thoughts turn dark and I begin thinking I look like a man when I don't want to.

Amidst my rush of thoughts, I feel him staring at me, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. It makes me swallow and my body prickles anxiously.

"Whatever you're thinking... Please just say it," I whisper, feeling my heart beating faster. I bet he can hear it. "You're making me nervous."

He takes a deep breath, trying to mask his own awkwardness with a smirk. My guy is awkward in a cute way. He's clumsy and just does dumb shit without thinking - this week he pretended to spray something fruit scented into his mouth and actually did it by accident - remarking the false advertising because it tasted perfumed. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. He laughed too - this loud, cackling clown laugh - and we continued laughing together, way into the day because it kept being brought up and we couldn't stop.

That thought quickly dissipates when I feel his hand reach over to brush my thigh, bare since I decided to wear a casual dress today. I panic, beginning to ramble about anxiety when he gently shuts me up by leaning close and teasing my lips with his. He always kisses me like that... I've never been kissed that way before. There's always a short, featherlight pass of his lips on mine - and sometimes that's the best part because my lips are so sensitive. Even something as simple as shower water grazing over them can set me off if I'm in the mood for it.

However, I've yet to decide if that's just his move or if he specifically targets me because he can tell I have such sensitive lips...

"Shhh..." He whispers, gazing into my eyes and reaching up for my jaw. I'm melting. I'm honestly melting.

"You wanna make out in the backseat?"

Ha. So American. No asking if I fancy a quick shag - no way.

I blush at first, but grin and laugh. I feel more comfortable around him now, I just lack confidence. Inside of me somewhere, is a sexy, fiery phoenix trying to get out... They just need some serious coaxing.

In my mind, the answer is already yes. We've made out many times before. It comes a bit more natural to me now.

I've wanted to get to fourth base for a while, though. Definitely, before I go home - but I'm just so unsure. So scared.

I'm a virgin.

I don't feel good enough - this guy could likely get any woman he wanted, I mean, he's rich, he's well known and well liked... he's probably dated literal models - so why settle for the likes of me?

However, I tuck that in the back of my mind, deciding to push myself to do this despite the gnawing, tugging feeling in my gut, behind my belly button. I've never had sex with a real person before - but I can't let him know that. Not when I'm as old as I am. He's about ten years older than me, sure, but I feel like that makes it worse.

God. I bet he's had so much practice over the years. He's probably slept with tons of women. It makes me feel so anxious. What if I'm not normal? What if I'm not up to their standard?

Does a beautiful model fuck different to a normal chick?

Finally, I clear my throat and reply, realising I haven't yet. He's so patient.

"Go on then, you first," I smirk, gesturing to the back. He presses a few times for the radio to go up just a little more, likely to put me at ease a bit, then squeezes through to the back seat. He's pretty skinny, so it's hardly some full on crush to get in there.

I'm next, getting my wide hips stuck a little on the way there, but ultimately laughing it off. Hopefully, that just makes me look all cute and not absolutely fucking goofy. I've got a fat ass as well, and it gets wedged into everything.

Stretching my arm to place my purse on the seat in front, realising I've brought it with me, I've barely even sat down before his skin is touching mine.

Holy shit. That's contact.

Warm hands touch my chubby thighs, cold from wearing a dress in November. The way he smooches me within an inch of my life - I can tell he's been holding back, by the way he's feeling every inch of me with his hands, beneath my clothes and along my thighs and ass, manoeuvring me into the position he wants. As I moan into his mouth, his tongue slips out and begs entry. Of course, my lips hardly put up a fight. I've slowly learned to let my hands wander over his arms and shoulders, to make things seem less awkward. He taught me to do that. Actually, he really enjoys it when I do that - it seems like something so simple, but it makes such a difference.

Oh... He laughed at first, telling me what a terrible kisser I was - he didn't believe me when I told him I'd only kissed a handful of people in my life.

"Huh? A cute face like that only got kissed like ten times?" he told me. He is such a patient guy, and an even better teacher. He's the one who taught me how to mould my lips to his without judgement. That's probably where he discovered my lips are sensitive from so much as a touch.

Without really thinking, I get brave and sling my leg over his to sit in his lap, facing him as we snog each other in the backseat. His hands are still feeling me up all over, moving only between heavy breaths and taking special interest in my black panties beneath my dress. I made sure to wear some good ones all week, just in case.

The seats are shuffling beneath our combined weight as we flit around in one another's arms, struggling to find a position that is comfortable to sustain and relaxing, too.

My body clearly feels so comfortable with this man, so why doesn't my spirit? How is a man supposed to calm a woman's spirit? Can he even do that?

I think he can. I swear I've fallen in love with him over this last week. Coming to America to hang out with him has been the best idea I've ever had.

I must have been zoning out and flagging a little since he pulls away briefly, instead trailing kisses down my neck towards my collar, sucking on my skin and forcing a louder moan from me in response to the pain.

I huff his name, and he unlatches, going to do another even deeper than the last, immediately.

"Mm... That fucking hurts..." I grumble, breathing through it with a bitten lip. I'm anaemic, so he probably shouldn't do that, but I don't care. I'll suffer the consequences later.

"Can't have you flying back without a piece of me," he smirks, nipping at me some more. Why is he so good at that? He's clearly enjoying it too, because I can feel his body reacting beneath my thighs.

"No, I suppose not," I giggle, making the mistake of matching his kind gaze. There is a spark between us. It's like our souls are speaking to one another.

Like he actually loves me. As in, the innermost me. I have never seen such an empathetic look in all my days... Could I really be loveable in that fashion after all? His hands are saying they want to break me, the way he's digging his fingers into my hips, pulling my skirt up some in the process... but his eyes tell me they want to save me, hold me, love me, take me... All together and all at once. Perhaps I'm thinking too deeply into this, but I've never felt this way. He makes me feel strange, like I'm going to die, but I just can't find it within myself to break away - because he also makes me feel so good.

Edging forward, he kisses me again - but with a different intensity from before. It's slow and passionate, far less feverish than initially. Fingers creep along my back, gradually coming down to my front, over my thigh and towards the inner part of it.

He hovers there, awaiting consent.

This is it.

I don't even give it because I swear I would be exerting more energy trying to speak. I just feel for his hand and guide it to my tingling mound as we kiss, trying to focus more on kissing than the delectable stroking of his slightly calloused fingertips in my panties. (He tried serenading me earlier in the week with his guitar, and of course I told him there was no such need... But I always wondered what calloused fingertips would feel like on the most sensitive areas of my body... His singing was cute too, of course. He sang something he performed in one of his first films.)

Along with the heightened sense of belonging as I squirm a little bit now beneath his ministrations, occasionally breaking the kiss to gasp or keen as he explores what works best, the lids of my eyes are beginning to droop slightly as I slip into what can only be described as heaven.

He's clearly used his hands before for things other than picking at strings and button mashing video games. My stomach pulls taut as one finger starts sliding its way inside me, somehow able to fight so gently against the raging seas that are my narrow walls. Initially, I tense up, but then remember I need to relax in order for it to work. He must have felt the sudden tightening, since he eases off for a moment.

"No, no..." I insist, taking a deep breath and shutting my eyes. "It's just a new sensation... I'm fine."

He seems a little guarded, but I've done this before with my own fingers and other such objects. The calmness just doesn't come very naturally to me. I have to remind myself at first that the initial discomfort is only temporary. However... Giving control over to another is different. I cannot control his fingers, all I can do is trust that he is patient and gentle with me - which I imagine he will be.

"You sure?" he says lowly, looking at me as if he's searching my eyes for some kind of celestial answer.

I'm sure.

With this, he continues to delve deeper into my velvet trap, watching my subtle facial changes and kissing my neck as he works his full finger inside to the knuckle, pumping it in and out gently. I'm so embarrassed, swearing I can feel his fingertip all the way up in my pelvis. It feels divine. I'm squealing because I can't help it and it's having such an effect on him. I think he's... Enjoying it. Getting off on it even. Then he speaks and that confirms my suspicions.

"Hm, wow... Noisy."

Oh. My. God. No. I want the car to just crush me, Optimus Prime style. I'm so embarrassed - but he's not. He's just grinning. That stupid grin. I swear that's what even pulled me into this situation in the first place.

There's a second finger poking my entrance. I change expression for a moment, but initially take that in, too. I don't know what the hell he's touching or how he's flexing his fingers this way, but I'm feeling actual sparks in my abdomen. I definitely can't get my fingers that far in. It feels amazing - and this is ONLY his fingers. I'm so hot and bothered, biting my lip. How am I even coping with this right now?

"Hhhaaa, fuck..." I moan breathily, whinging as I reach up to grip the carpeted ceiling of the car, my painted nails scraping over it as I arch my back into him.

"Is that alright?" He whispers, looking up at me with that same, longing stare from before. You can always tell when he wants something, because he has this thousand yard stare with a hint of softness - to anybody else, it would just look fucking creepy. But to me, it speaks pure desire. He's actually getting off on ME.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?"

"No..." I whimper, letting my head hang back as much as I can and trying to ease back some more, leaning back against the rear of the front seat and providing more room for him to work. Well, as much as I can. He's a skinny guy, all things considered. I'm short and round, so my thighs don't quite straddle over him completely.

There's a disgusting noise now beneath my dress which I can hear and feel but not see. It's making it so much worse. I am flushed. He is flushing. He's staring at my face and my bitten lip, trying to kiss my teeth away and stop my sound muffling.

"Oh my god, that's so good..."

I'm sure as hell flushed to fuck, redder than a lobster.

Oh, but that's nothing compared to my slutty whining. Despite my eyes being shut, I can feel his stare on my face, a toothy grin blooming on his lips as he watches me pant with bliss. I've only ever done this to myself before, so having someone else do it is tantalising. I never imagined anybody would be able to do such a thing. I've wanted this guy for a long time and that's possibly making this experience better than ever.

Slowly removing my hand from above my head, I slink it down between us, rubbing tight circles on my clit to propel things forward a bit. I'm tired of waiting. He's such a tease, and I am not used to teasing myself. I want this now. I need it now. I'll die if I don't cum on those slender fingers.

His lips press gentle kisses to the arm across me as if to encourage it away, and I feel myself growing closer, my ribs rattling against my chest.

"Ahh, shit... That's it-!" I squeal, biting my lip and still trying to muffle the noises coming from my throat to no avail. He's just panting, staring, appreciating.

"Ughhh, god... I'm gonna cum..." I try to warn. That's another thing I've never been particularly good at. Often, it just happens before I can stop myself.

But I'm too loud and he's breathing heavily, clearly more experienced at this than I am despite being unable to hold his own moans back as he works his fingers between my legs.

"Fuck... That's hot," he husks sensually against my ear. The sound of his American drawl and the feel of his beard is enough to send me over the edge.

Finally it happens, that gush coating his fingers in slick. I'm shocked at first, even embarrassed.

What if other girls don't cum like that?

Why am I even thinking this way? He wouldn't put himself through this if he wasn't even the slightest bit attracted to me, right?

I'm clawing into his neck right now.

He definitely doesn't seem phased... Not by my noise or my wriggling. Especially once the sparkles of my orgasm hit and I feel some... fulfillment.

However, I know that if he keeps up, I'll be unable to stop cumming - and I'm not sure I want to show him that side of me yet. After years of learning myself I've gotten to a stage where I know how far I can push myself.

Oh god, if he finds that out then... Then, he might beg me to stay in LA and I'm just not ready for that sort of commitment yet either! What would I tell my family? What about my life in the UK?

I know in my heart I would leave it all behind.

I'm still struggling to get my head around the fact that someone with such a following has taken an interest in someone like me.

I don't belong in Los Angeles. As much as I want to. As much as I want to belong with him. It's not like he belongs in my country either, really. His life is here. His job, his family, his friends... His shitty football team.

I mean, perhaps if he convinced me I was the one piece left that he needed...

Once my walls stop spasming, he gently pulls his digits out and that's what pulls me back again. Kissing me deeply, he takes care not to wipe his wet fingers on my clothes. Always so thoughtful. It actually brings me from my deep thoughts back into the real world and what's happening right now.

Going into his coat pocket, he pulls out some tissues he stashed there earlier, probably at the local coffee shop or something, making me giggle on his lap despite still being out of breath. He's so smart, sensible and mature. It's so him coded. I love it.

"That was amazing..." I gush breathily, craving more. I've started the obsession. I fucking knew this would happen. I'm going to be gagging for him on my flight home.

It feels a little easier now to push forward into uncharted territory, though.

Maybe, I won't look like a total fool trying to bounce and grind on a real dick for the first time ever... It can't be anything as embarrassing as the times I've tried in my bedroom, surely?

His hands trace the curves of my waist, seeking more, so I sigh and lean back, trying to remain calm. Full lips are peppering sweetness all over my neck again, making the skin of my cheeks heat back up.

"These marks suit you, y'know," he smirks. "I think I like them."

Why, oh why does he keep going for my neck?

"I want you..." He whispers, working me perfectly. Hearing it from HIS lips hits different.

This time, I waste no time and lean through the front seats again, rifling through my purse for some protection I've had stashed in there for a while. I have an allergy after all - another weird thing about me I figured nobody would want to deal with - so I just brought my own hoping it would help that burden. Maybe he'll just think it's some budget brand or something - god, why so I think so stupidly?

Oh no. It turns out men like it when you come prepared. It's a sexy thing. His eyes light up, and he looks between me and the packet with a gritted grin.

Holy hell...

With a hefty swallow, I place it into his hand. I'm not being lazy, I'm just submitting, I suppose. However, I reckon I would genuinely screw up this whole encounter somehow, so my external unease is probably obvious.

"I've been keeping these in my purse," I admit quietly, giggling nervously as I just try to say anything to fill the silence.

"Okay," he says simply. He says it in the dorkiest fashion, with the dorkiest, most clueless look on his face.

"W-Well I want to use it!" I stammer, waving my hands.

"I got that part, sweetheart," he teases me with a sly, mocking simper. The pet name honestly gets me feral. I need him now.

"Look, listen. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

He still doesn't talk. Instead he just takes my chin and pushes it enough to tempt my lips with his, choosing to encourage me physically. I'm not used to this. Not that I've ever really been outwardly judged before for such a thing, but why isn't he judging me?

Did I not explain properly?

"I've never done it before," I admit, blinking. Here it comes... I'm waiting for the distaste. The lecture about how I'm a walking red flag.

But it never comes.

"Cool."

That's what he says. He just smiles. He just nods. He laughs a little, but it isn't malicious sounding. It's more of a cute, excited laugh. A dorky laugh.

"I have to admit, I don't think I've had sex with a virgin since I was like, 19," he smirks, breathing a little more paced. "Oh man, this is gonna be kinda exciting."

He's such a dork. Is he seriously getting excited about this? I feel immediately more comfortable, even bursting into laughter myself. I feel so silly.

"So, you're not put off?" I ask, touching my red hot cheek.

"Put OFF??" he squawks, letting that goofy laugh he does rip from his throat. It's so not forced, which is how I know he's genuine. I love it.

"Hell no," he smiles, shaking his head and leaning close enough where my gaze crosses a little and I hold a breath. "No. No way. This is actually super cool!" He sees me swallow, and immediately lowers his chirpy tone. "O-Oh! I'll be gentle, I promise! 19 year old me remembers how nervous I was," he smirks.

A sigh. I think I'm in love.

"I-Ia'm not sure I want you to be gentle, honestly..." I huff, gazing into his eyes and explaining that I've built up a collection of toys over the years due to being perpetually single and generally untrusting of other people.

To say I'm surprised at his reaction is an understatement, once again.

He looks extremely ecstatic. He's buzzing. It's as if I just told him his birds scored a touchdown - because they're that shit.

"You seem aware of what you want. That's good. That's helpful," he explains, even gesturing with his finger as he speaks. "Less trying out weird stuff to see if you like it, y'know?" There's a pause, and his face softens up again. "I do care about what you want, you know."

I smile. If I wasn't so cautious and guarded, I would have grabbed him and kissed him there and then. But no... I have to go and make things weird.

"Hmmm... Well... Let me see. I can't do cowgirl on my knees, as much as I would like to. I have to squat because I'm so small. Um... What else..."

He laughs light heartedly, hardly bothered.

"How do you find out a thing like that?" he squawks through that laugh again.

"Oh, there's ways around that, honey," he insists huskily, and the serious tone in his voice paired with his scheming smirk does something to me.

He looks around, considering our surroundings. I mean, he seems to have a plan in mind. Clearly, this is not his first rodeo. These Capricorn men, man.

"Hm. Y'know, it might be a bit difficult with you on top, anyway. In here, I mean! I reckon you're small enough to lie back here," he instructs, trying to move enough to let me sink back onto the bench seat sideways. My legs are pretty short, so I'm able to hold them up around him, his skinny frame nestling between my ass and the side door. "And I'll just slink in here..." There's a rustle of clothes and a clang as he pulls his belt off, just enough to pull his trousers and pants to his knees, the rubber in between his teeth as he adjusts himself and takes me through what is about to be my first time. Wow, he looks so handsome when he's concentrating. I could lose myself in this face.

I wasn't expecting him to get undressed so quickly, though.

"Y'alrigh' 'own 'ere?" He mumbles, teeth getting in the way of his tongue as he speaks with the wrapper in between the white gnashers. Multitasking.

I go to speak as he sheathes himself - and REALLY wish I fucking hadn't. My eyes widen, since I can't seem to emote inwardly, and I see the size of what he's packing. It's different to how I expected, and I can't shake the image off. The slightly above average size isn't even what I noticed first, it was the weird twitching. I've never seen a real dick before. I'm grossed out, but also intrigued. He looks really swollen. It must be so uncomfortable.

"I'm fine," I huff, trying to think of something to blame to avoid looking like some super virgin at my age. (Despite the fact that's the truth, really. I never imagined as you got older, the prerequisite to being attractive went from sleeping with hardly anybody to at least knowing what you're fucking doing...)

Pulling his hoodie over his head, he exhales briskly as he throws it into the front, clearly getting worked up. He's really fit, especially his arms. I know he isn't stupid but... I hope he isn't expecting some fit little body under this dress.

"I promise that it LOOKS bigger than it is," he laughs, seemingly okay with dissing himself. Maybe it's his mature age, he's not some silly little boy anymore. There's no need for him to be insecure.

"I'm just... So embarrassed," I breathe, trying to save myself from further embarrassment. He doesn't seem concerned and I find it hard to believe. Taking my upper arms, he holds me up a bit, looking into my eyes as he sort of pant-talks.

"I promise, it's gonna be fine, I'm just... So... Fucking... Hard," he sighs, chuckling darkly and hanging his head. "I've wanted you for... Ages. And... This is what happens with long distance relationships, I suppose. I've not been with anyone for a few years, either."

That much is true. He lives here in Los Angeles, and I live in England. As much as I want to give up my life and spend the rest of it with him, I have some other responsibilities that I couldn't just drop and leave.

"Well, let's um... Let's go, then," I say, trying to shuffle back down with a face on. He takes the hem of my skirt and hikes it up, before remembering this is supposed to be my first time. Pulling his hands away, he holds them up in a surrender.

"Oh, I can do this right?"

I giggle breathily, agreeing with a nod.

"Um, okay. Cool," he says, his body clearly struggling to keep up with his brain. Pulling it up to my waist, there's a small gasp. A large hand moves to my hip bone, running over it.

"Wow, you've got really pokey hip bones. This is gonna bruise," he chuckles, continuing to stroke over my soft curves.

Taking a deep breath, I brace myself, most likely giving him a submissive look without thinking. I really don't understand why he's being so kind to me. Does he actually love me or does he just want to sleep with me that badly? Are all men like this? Is pokey hip bones weird?

I don't know why I think like this, and whilst he's always there to ping my fears back where they came from, it still haunts my head.

Taking initiative, I lie back some more, pulling my panties to the side and trying to adjust my position to make things more comfortable.

It's now or never.

He leans in, sensing my unease. Being sure to touch his lips to mine before letting the rest of him rub me where I'm sensitive, it's enough to make me huff a gasp into his mouth, and I almost scramble back at the sheer contact. Seems he was expecting that, though. He mutters some sort of horny praise, running his hands along my thighs slowly before gripping my hips and pulling me upwards to help the transfer. I wrap my fingers around his wrists, preparing myself for what is inevitably going to be a very uncomfortable stretch if it's anything like using a toy. Remaining close to my cheek and teasing my skin, he mumbles something about how I look uneasy. I appreciate that he is trying to make this as easy as possible, but it's also annoying me that he isn't just getting it over with. Like, just bang me already.

"It just always hurts the first time," I whisper quickly, to which he turns his head to kiss my mouth again. I can't admit to him that I've never taken a real dick. I just can't. He knows but I can't say it in this moment.

Rubber dicks aren't the same as real ones, but at least they don't talk back or judge you.

"It won't hurt if you trust me... I promise," he swears, gently pressing the head of his cock against my folds to test the waters.

As he pushes, it doesn't even slightly work the first time - if my vagina didn't make sure of that, my nails buried in his wrists sure did. He can tell how fucking nervous I am, my heart in my throat leaping out from under my skin.

"You trust me, right?"

I don't reply. Yet, he STILL seems unphased, simply huffing lightly and attempting the push again. It's a little easier this time, but he still isn't quite getting past the tight little ring of muscle yet.

I look away and shut my eyes, completely trying to detach myself from the moment, just for a second. Maybe that will help my body loosen up.

But he isn't going to allow that. He wants this to be the most beautiful, sensual experience... Even in the back of his car.

I just don't want to look stupid - that's if I haven't already.

"Hey," he whispers, brushing his crooked nose against mine and trying to bring me back into the present. "You need to relax, or this isn't going to work," he pants, his face flushing.

Taking the pad of his finger and gently swiping it over my damp folds, he keeps trying to talk me down. My jaw drops without me thinking, but he keeps talking.

"What are you scared of?"

I can't speak, especially not when he's now swirling his finger over my sensitive bud. It works some sort of magic and I feel as though my muscles are forcibly collapsing around him.

"Huh? Tell me. Are you scared it'll hurt?"

No. I'm not scared of that. I've fucked myself tons of times.

He asks if it's being discovered - a copper or a hiker maybe...

Ha. No. I don't really care about that, either.

Then what is it?

"I thought you might judge me... And it would be awkward and I'd just be..."

"Be what?"

"No, I can't even say it."

He cocks his head, following my every move with his eyes.

"S-Stop staring at me," I mumble, gawping up at him. He does this intense, creepy stare.

"I need to know what's on your mind before we do this."

"Why?"

"Because, it's a special thing. I don't want you giving it up for someone just because you feel like you have to."

I swallow. His hands stroke my knees, trying desperately to settle me somewhat again. He isn't just 'someone'. He's 'the one'.

"I've always been afraid of intimacy. Letting someone get close to me and seeing me so vulnerable," I admit. "Someone hurt me a long time ago and it's left me a little messed up."

"Do you trust me?" He asks seriously, staring into my eyes. "This isn't that big of a deal, I promise. Or... We can just stop." He smirks a little, trying not to laugh incase it has the wrong effect. "Believe me, in about ten minutes you'll be asking me why you bothered because it isn't that great," he giggles, making me giggle too. I do trust him.

"Alright," I sigh, feeling a bit more prepared. I lie back, tilting my hips up a bit to help the angle.

Taking the moment, he manages to inch in just enough to start breaking the wall down. I shift forward some more to help bridge the gap between us and trying to work out what the best angle is for this to execute properly. The groan that leaves his lips is the most spectacular sound I've ever heard. It's like a mix of absolute desire and relief.

"Oh my god... Fucking hell..." He grunts breathily, struggling to keep his breath level. "Aghh... That is tight. Wow. Okay."

"Sorry... Sorry..." I apologise with big eyes, not realising I'm just making it worse. He pants some kind of cute response back, along with a laugh.

"No, it's not bad! You can't help it. It's... Really fucking good, actually..." he slurs, trying to keep his hormones in check. "I-I-I take back what I said... You... You feel fucking incredible..."

Pulling right back, he thrusts in again, building up a slightly stuttered rhythm because he's so excited. I'm taking it, trying to stay relaxed but also squirming because it feels so fucking good. Having someone else drive into you is way better than trying to drive into yourself and having your arm get tired.

"Fuck, I've wanted you like this all week..." He groans between huffs, sounding absolutely desperate. "Well... Longer than that, really. Every time your name flashes up on my phone, I..."

He trails off, biting his lip as his brain finishes the sentence but his mouth doesn't. Wow... I've never felt so desired in my life.

I can't help my noise, but I swear that's what's actually getting him off and not the feel of my tight pussy.

"H-Harder..." I wail, gripping anything to steady myself. "I usually go harder on myself," I stammer, to which he complies, holding my hips to keep me close enough and stop it slipping out. There's the most disgusting slapping sound amidst our tandem moans and groans, but that's the last thing on my mind. His cock dragging along my walls is making me feel feverish. This is the experience I wanted. Mutual understanding and excitement.

Grinding my hips a little, I feel his face burying itself into my neck, like he's trying desperately to think of anything else and avoid finishing just yet.

"I ain't gonna last in this, babe... Jesus..."

I can barely reply, instead just moaning back with shuddered breath. Holding his head, I card my fingers through his hair and arch my back as pleasure begins building up in my core. He's slipping off the seat on his knees, so brings his leg onto the footwell to steady himself.

Then he calls my name.

"Get on your front for me, it'll be a bit easier," he says, pulling out for a moment to help me change position. I twist and bring my ass up, also using my foot in the footwell to try and steady myself.

"Like this?"

"Like that," he hums gently, holding my hips and pulling his meat between us again. It goes in much easier this time, and I'm liking this position. This is making me start to howl a little, my whimpers louder and louder as I use my hands to avoid battering the car door with my face when he thrusts into me.

I know he's fucking way too deep, but I don't care, it won't be like this forever anyway. As I think that, he finishes, groaning into my body and catching his breath.

Honestly, I would have been happy to leave it at that, despite the emptiness as he pulls out of me. However, he gently rubs my puffy lips with his fingers, causing me to shudder and almost jump a mile because I wasn't expecting it.

"Sorry! Sorry," he gasps, laughing into his hand. "I keep forgetting how jumpy you are.

"It's okay..." I mewl, my pitched voice muffled by my arm. My legs tremble as I approach another orgasm, his slow strokes helping me to calm down weirdly enough.

"I just wanted to finish the job, you know?" He torments, shaking his head from behind me and leaning forward with a chuckle.

"Yes..." I hiss, concentrating so he can rub me to completion.

"That's it," he praises gently, watching from behind as I bury my face into my arms and start wiggling my hips, silently begging him to hurry up.

We sit there in comfortable silence. I snuggle into his side, falling asleep in the warm car.

"We should probably be getting back soon," he says gently, stroking my hair. I hum some sort of response, and he calls my name.

"What?" I grumble, scrunching my nose and trying to go back to sleep against his soft hoodie.

"I said, I ought to be getting you back soon," he repeats, smiling. "You can't be falling asleep on me. I'll think you're cute and want to keep you," he teases, running a hand over my head. His voice sounds a tad sad. He's clearly upset about me leaving for home tomorrow.

"If you wake up, I'll go through the McDonald's drive thru on the way back," he persuades, laughing when I perk up at the thought of food.

Perhaps he really is the man of my dreams.

[cornermusing]

Long Awaited Love (Karrih & Jacklynn)

This is part one of this series and I'm hoping you enjoy! I've been wanting to get back into the habit of writing and expanding my palate I suppose.

I do NOT permit my work to be stolen, rewritten, or posted ANYWHERE else. If you see my stories anywhere but here, please report them!

Word count: 3,271

✧:･ﾟ✧ ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: 　　 :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧ ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: 　　 :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

There was no one word to describe the way she felt; betrayed, hurt, angry, sad, the list could go on. But only one word could describe the way Jacklynn felt about herself; disgusted. To explain, Jacklynn, well known as Jack or Jackie in her hometown of Sandport, a beachside town with a great variety of people. She had lived here almost her entire life, her parents being the ones to create their life here when she was just a young girl. Jack attended the local school, making a great many friends of all sorts of variety. She was known as open-hearted and never judgemental of who or what a person was. 

As she got older, Jacklynn found that her once short brown hair had grown to be quite long, never truly cutting it down and it seemed ever so slightly lighter due to all the time she spent in the sun. Despite struggling with acne in her teens, her skin cleared for the most part after a significant diet change. Her eyes, ever such a bright gray, always held some sort of mischievousness but only did she ever show that mischief with her closest friends. She earned a nice tan from her many days scouting shells from the beach as well as her many outings with friends. 

Though she considered herself fairly attractive, everyone has their flaws. She struggled with PCOS, a medical condition that was detailed by having cysts on the ovaries, it came with a variety of issues including weight gain and hair in unwanted places. These were just two of the many issues that it can come with but it was the two most prominent in our dear Jacklynn. Being considered to be on the chunky side, she found herself to have a few rolls. Thanks to her great friends and supportive family, she didn’t see her appearance as anything but beautiful, even if she does have days where she struggles with her image they are there to cheer her up. 

Jack had never been one to play around, finding the idea of actively looking for one to spend your whole life with at a young age to be too anachronistic. She instead trusted the fates to let her find someone to love when she was a bit older, wanting to get her life together, to be financially stable enough to take care of herself first and foremost. So when she turned twenty-five and still hadn’t gone on a date with anyone, despite having her own shore-side home, a steady job, and a good income to not only support herself but a few others, she got many questions from her mother and friends. 

“When will you find a boyfriend?” Some would ask, others, “You need to settle down already!” The fairly consistent badgering finally pushed Jack to accept a blind date set up by one of her dearest friends, an orc, with her brother, or was it her cousin? Jack wasn’t too sure, Urzul was rather excited and spoke a bit too fast. Despite her normal attitude, she did attempt to make up her appearance, wearing one of her favorite sweaters and some darker jeans, some comfortable yet clean flats, even adding a necklace to top it off. After adding mascara and a simple eyeliner, she deemed herself stately, now that she considered herself “done” She checked the time, she had twenty minutes to get to the agreed upon location ten minutes away. 

As her father used to say, “if you aren’t early, you’re late,” which is why she left her house, phone and wallet in a small crossbody bag she had. As her feet marched her forward, she felt nervous for the first time ever, a small feeling in her gut telling her to turn tail and run back home. She ignored it, not wanting to be the kind of person to ghost someone on the first date. Though, looking back, it might have been the wiser decision to listen to her gut. Regardless, off she was, step by step, making way to the small, family-run diner. It was one she had only gone to once, moreover she only had positive things to say about the place. 

As expected, Jacklynn’s walk was short, the building coming into view and she gingerly pushed the door open, being greeted kindly by one of the two elven daughters here. “Hello! Do you have a reservation?” Her voice was light and soft, she was one of the more soft-spoken members of the family, though no one had an issue with it. 

“Oh, yeah it should be under Thompson.” Came Jack’s almost equally as soft voice, her friend had informed her she put the reservation under Jack’s last name but didn’t explain why. The hostess checked her chart and nodded more-so to herself.

“There we are! Your table is right over here.” She took a menu from the cubby below the station and walked Jack to a small table in the center of the warm diner. There were a few others scattered about but they all seemed to be doing their own thing. Without much more hesitation, she sat down and before leaving, the girl let Jackie know that Saevel would be her server. Saevel was the second born son of the family, his older brother being the main cook aside from his father. Jack was then left with the menu to look over. Twenty minutes passed, then forty. Soon enough, an hour had passed since Jacklynn had arrived and she was sure the blind date wasn’t coming. She was starting to gather her things, placing cash down to pay for her drinks but just as she started making way to the door, a male orc practically crashed through the doors and looked both mildly irritated and equally as tired. 

He gave Jack’s last name and when directed to her location, made eye contact with the now mildly agitated woman, who had her arms crossed. Jacklynn was not one to get annoyed easily, this did annoy her. Though, she was one to give more chances than probably worth the energy of. So, begrudgingly, she sat back down at the table putting her money back in her wallet and the orc male was quick to join her.

“Sorry I’m so late.” He sounded as though there was a gun to his head and Jacklynn shrugged at him.

“You’re here now.” She offered and he nodded in response, a silence feel over them as he looked over the menu.

“When my sister said she was setting me up with a date I didn’t expect you to be so…” It looked like he was trying to find the right word, the insinuation went completely over her head however as she offered a small smile.

“Small? Pretty?” Jackie was positive as usual and flagged their server down.

“Uhh. Sure.” He sets the menu down as Saevel approached, smiling kindly at the two of them.

“Ready to order?” He asked, grabbing his little notepad and preparing to write. Jackie opened her mouth to order but was beat to the punch by the male across from her.

“I’ll have the rabbit stew and she can have a small order of the soup of the day.” He answered and Jacklynn blinked, looking at the orc baffled.

“I was gonna have-” She started but he cut her off without hesitation.

“What you were gonna have was probably gonna be too much. The soup will do.” Even Saevel looked offended on Jack’s behalf, looking at the woman who now had a look of shock that quickly shifted into mild anger.

“Just what are you saying?” She balled her hands into fists in her lap, eyebrows waiting. She held a strong look on her face that said to choose his next words very carefully. He, alas, did not have any shame.

“I’m saying that if you want to have more dates after this, you need to watch what you eat. And exercise more. No one likes a woman who lets herself go. I usually don’t look at appearance but yours is hard to miss.” He remarks, Jackie wouldn’t stand for this, as the few tables turned their heads hearing the commotion, she grabbed her wallet handing Saevel her payment and tip for the drinks she had. 

“Thanks for serving me.” Was all she said, and as she turned to leave, he tried to shout after.

“I’m just trying to look out for my sister's friend,” He shouted, “being fat is a choice!” Jacklynn’s cheeks burned with embarrassment and anger, hearing a snicker or two and a handful of gasps. She felt tears rise in her eyes, just storming out without another word. She tried to keep herself collected but despite herself, found tears blurring her vision so she headed in a beeline for wherever she could to get away. 

Her feet guided her in a familiar path, not that she was paying much attention, vigorously rubbing at her face to hide and rid the tears. Jackie’s mind was clouded, how could her friend set her up with him? Her weight wasn’t her fault. Would she ever find someone to love her despite her body? Thoughts like these swam in her head, making it hard for rational thoughts to make it through. By the time she could finally look around without tears blurring her vision, she realized the feeling of sand getting into her shoes and the familiar smell of the salt water invading her nose. 

The beach, her comfort place, well, close by it at least. Thankfully she wasn’t too far from the little sectioned off area, blocked by rocks. Jacklynn slipped off the flats, holding them in one hand as she made way through the nearly-empty beach towards what looked like just a normal rock shelf, but when she climbed carefully over and down, there sat a little alcove, a mini beached area where the rocks created a sort of natural horseshoe around it. Jackie made her way down the slope and went to the water's edge, letting her feet get washed over by the gentle waves. Now she was alone, listening to the waves and felt a sense of calm come over her.

As the sounds of the waves and the faint sound of people playing nearby filled her ears, Jacklynn slowly sank to a seated position, knees drawn up to her chest as she finally allowed her tears to flow freely. Dropping her head into her knees, she tuned out the world around her, finally feeling safe enough to just let out everything. Anger and hurt returned to her gut, shame following shortly behind. 

Meanwhile a game of beach frisbee was occurring between a small group of four that consisted of a male gnoll, female orc, female elf, and a male drider. The orc girl had thrown the frisbee just a bit too hard and the group watched it fly over to the otherside of the shelf. 

The female orc offered to go retrieve it and the gnoll said he’d help in case it was in a hard-to-reach place. THe two of them made their way to the little alcove, unknowing of the young woman who sat behind them shedding tears. The sound of something landing in the sand behind her hadn’t fully processed in her brain, still letting the occasional self-doubting thoughts float through her mind. It wasn’t until the sound of voices and laughter getting too close for comfort reached her, did she finally lift her head, watching as the pir of friends reached the top of the shelf. They peered in but instead of finding their frisbee right away, both sets of eyes landed on Jacklynn who attempted to make herself smaller upon making eye contact.  

The gnoll hopped from the top and landed, not-so gracefully, but safely, in the sand below. The orc girl deciding on taking a safer route down. The male waited for his friend, never looking away from the girl in the sand and water just a few feet away. It was the girl who spoke first, having grabbed the frisbee while her friend was distracted. “Are you okay hunny?” Her voice was surprisingly gentle, none of the usual grunt the orc kind had. The question had Jacklynn turning her head away to hide her tear-stained, red, and puffy face.

“Yeah.” She cleared her throat, voice unsteady and unsure. “Yeah.. I’m alright. Sorry.” Jack didn’t even think about her apology, why was she apologizing? She wasn’t sure.

“Not sure why you’re apologizing, you’re just back here…Crying..” The male spoke now, concern lacing his voice as he and his friend shared a look between each other. The girl approached Jack first, sitting in the sand beside her and setting the frisbee down as well. The boy was soon to follow, sitting on her other side. 

For some unknown reason, Jacklynn felt a sense of comfort and safety from the two beside her, though she blamed it on her current vulnerability. “Wanna tell us what’s got your heart breaking back here?” The orc girl asked, she had a slight northern, city, accent, sounding like she hadn’t spent much time in the country-side at all. 

“I just.. Had a really bad date, is all.” She said, hesitant to share, though it seemed these two were not having any of it. 

“Now, I know bad dates, what did he or she say? Cause ain’t no normal bad date is gonna get a girl cryin’ unless they say or do something real ugly.” The gnoll had a stronger country-side accent, one of those ones that says, ‘yeah, I ride horses and live on a ranch’ without anything at all. One of his paws had found its way to Jacklynn’s mid-back, rubbing slow, gentle circles to try and comfort Jack.

Though worried for what they would say, Jackie shared regardless, more tears flowing down her cheeks as she recounted the date. She had already rubbed all the makeup off her face, tears helping to clear the look. The only evidence of her having done any at all were the small, smudged, black lines that ran down her face. Those marks didn’t last very long either, getting washed away as her face got flooded with more tears. 

“You’re kidding me. Who says something like that to a girl?” The orc woman sounded more irritated now. Her brows furrowed into a hard line. She had Jack look her in the face, a gentle but firm hand talking her face to look at the taller woman. “You are a beautiful young woman, looks or weight be damned. No man should ever get to judge your body, even if they do know what makes you a certain way.”

“Hell, I’m sure he’s just insecure. Knows he couldn’t ever win over a lady like yourself so he tries to make you think you couldn’t get him instead.” The male beside Jackie, whose paw was still comforting her, spoke up. Her face was released and she had looked at him towards the end of his sentence. But he continued, “You don’t deserve to be treated like that. And your friend should have gone with to introduce him and see if it would even work instead of leading you in like that.” His eyes held a note of seriousness, but also worry which made Jack’s heart melt just slightly.

“How about this, you come play frisbee with our group and we forget all about that guy and his sister. You can hang with us!” The girl said, smiling some and Jacklynn couldn’t help but smile herself. 

“But I don’t even know your names!” She exclaimed, though it was light-hearted instead of rude. The three of them shared a small laugh for a few moments.

“My name’s Shel, I’m visiting him and our other friends for a week while I’m on break from college.” The orc girl offered, that would explain the city accent she held.

“And I’m Karrih, I grew up in the neighboring town east of here and recently moved here to be closer to the beach.” The town he was talking about was a small farming community, Jacklynn actually got a lot of her groceries and stuff from there when she first moved out for the cheaper prices but quality goods. 

“Nice to meet you both, I’m Jacklynn. I, well, I grew up here and never really left.” Jack snickered and they both helped her to her feet, Shel grabbed the frisbee again and Jack retrieved her flats. The three of them made their way back over the rock shelf and it was Karrih at the lead, Shel at the back. They made it over and Shel held up the frisbee triumphantly, earning cheers from the two others who had stopped their conversation when they saw the group coming over the rocks.

Upon making it to the other two of the group, Jackie was introduced to them by Karrih who then introduced his two other friends in turn. Cellica was the elf girl, she also grew up here but was a grade above Jack so they didn’t get a chance to meet. Then it was Rhaarto, the drider. He was homeschooled and grew up on the opposite side of town. All of them were rather sweet and accepted Jacklynn into their group without question. None of them talked of the incident, simply enjoying frisbee. 

After a few hours of playing and just overall enjoying each other's company on the beach, it was Rhaarto that offered to pay for everyone to get dinner at this small but popular restaurant close to where he lives. Everyone agreed, Jackie included and the team marched their way off to the little restaurant named Fluorescence. It was employee owned and operated, named because of the environment they bring. 

The restaurant bore no true lighting, the only given light from the vines that grew on the inner walls along the roof. They glowed a soft blue-green, the breed of vine was found by the original owners during the husband's many caving explorations. He brought back some of  the vine and it’s become staple for the restaurant, providing just enough light for patrons to see but not enough to hurt the eyes of their nocturnal guests. It was very beautiful inside, a few people bustling about in the nice open area. The dim lighting of the business provided a comfort that was almost inexplicable. 

The group was guided to a nice little booth and began looking over the menu. “Jackie? Have you ever been here?” Cellica asked, voice soft and inviting but with an edge to it. 

“No, I can’t say I have. It’s very nice though.” Jack complimented, sparing a look around once more and admiring the vines before returning her attention to the menu. There was a meal for just about every creature, diverse diets and the ability to swap ingredients to adapt to different diets or allergies. Jacklynn was actually impressed with the diversity as there was a great many foods she hadn’t even heard of before. Though the salmon dish caught her eye so she set her mind to order it. 

“It is definitely beautiful. And it’s one of my family’s favorite places to dine.” Rhaarto said lightly, the little pedipalps that adorned his face seeming to wiggle with his emotions. The group fell back into a pace of chatting and enjoying their meals once ordered and served. No one made comments about each other's plates or even made looks. It was a nice change for Jackie as she enjoyed the company of her new friends.

[inkforged]

The 29th Year Was Hell

I will be turning 30 in a month.

It used to stress me out and terrify me that I was reaching this milestone and so completely far away from my goals and dreams, but now, it can't get here fast enough.

The irony is that I know that nothing will change, but with milestones like New Years and another decade of living, you expect major paradigm shifts. It doesn't work that way-even if we want it to.

But here I am, counting down the days that my 29th year finishes and I can put the horrors of 2023 behind me.

I chose the theme of Renaissance for my birthday because I am desperate for everything about my life to shift with the new age.

In the last year, I have experienced heartbreak, trauma, severe and debilitating depression, health issues, job loss, financial stress, and I've built for myself what my therapist calls a "stress cake." Just layers and layers of stress.

It wasn't until about 6 months before I turned 29 that I started feeling a certain type of way about 30. Before, I didn't particularly care, but as it approached, it felt like an impossibility. I was turning 30 and hadn't come close to achieving what I had planned for my life by this stage. Let's look at the score:

Goals By Thirty (By a Young and Stupid Version of Myself)

Be Married

Have at least one child

Publish One Book

Lose weight

Have your own place with at least one dog

Be financially stable

Be settled on a career path

Jokes to all of this because, now at 29 here's where we are:

Never even dated someone seriously (never been on more than 3 dates with a guy)

No children, just a few pregnancy scares

No books published

HA

I had to move back in with my parents and I have no dogs

Unemployed

Unemployed

At this point, it feels bleak. But I think what scares me more is the prospect that none of this will improve -ever. I feel stuck and FAR behind where I'm expected to be. But whose expectations are those? Mine? My parents? Society?

What have I accomplished really? Several short-term jobs where I didn't make an impact. I'm published which is exciting, but it's not nearly enough. This is the part where the existential dread kicks in and I start to question why I am even on this planet. This is also why I am medicated.

Also because of the trauma and depression... well I'm somewhat anonymous so I don't suppose it would hurt to write about what happened this year.

Once Upon a Time, in the distant era of November 2022, I began to experience depression. This was nothing new, I've been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager -Yay for PCOS. But something was different this time. Typically my depressive episodes only last a few weeks at most, but this was unending and strange.

I get mad when people (doctors) ask me why I am sad. Like sadness and depression are synonymous and if I can just find happiness, then everything will be fine. Sunshine and Unicorns and all of that shit. It's not like that for me. I just stop feeling and functioning. Or maybe it's that I'm feeling too much to function. Haven't quite figured that one out yet.

This depressive episode turned into a depressive state of living. I couldn't sleep, I struggled to feed myself, keep my spaces clean, take care of myself in the most basic ways. I have what I call "self-destructive" attitudes and habits. It's things like willfully refusing to wear a seatbelt or getting stuck in my bed or car unable to move or make myself do things. It was like this for a while and then in March of 2023 things took a sudden and sharp dive off of a cliff.

It was the weekend of my little sister's birthday. I was staying with my parents for the weekend so I didn't have to drive back and forth (I lived around an hour away) I decided to go to the grocery store with my mom to get things to make for the birthday dinner. I was waiting with the cart while my mom got a drink from the fountain. This is when a disgusting man decided to take the opportunity to assault me. I will spare you the details. I don't like the details.

I feel silly calling it an assault sometimes because it wasn't particularly violent. I wasn't injured. But I was violated -deeply and incurably. I am lucky because it could have been worse and it has been immeasurably worse for more women than can be counted. However, I was still radically affected by this incident. I couldn't speak. I couldn't process it. In fact, it took the entire trek through the grocery store with my mother to put the pieces together of what actually happened. She was oblivious and for that, I am eternally grateful. I never would have wanted my mother to witness that.

It took me two days to tell her. I didn't want to, but she noticed my behavior was off and my sister encouraged me to tell her. She then told my dad. I didn't want that. I didn't want anyone to know. But it was too much to handle on my own. I knew my mind wasn't healthy enough to handle this on my own. Only 2 people know the full details of what happened and those are two therapists and I intend to keep it that way.

After this, I spiraled and essentially shut down. I stopped everything. I couldn't see people, I had to request to work from home, and I lost the ability to find joy in my life. I was petrified. I threw everything I had at stopping a "full system shut down." I had two therapists (one was a counselor through my church who could help me deal with that side of things but that's for another post.) I started working with a personal trainer again -yet another story for a different post, and even found a new PCP so I could start anti-depressants.

This is when I found out I had cancer again.

I had thyroid cancer as a preteen and now it's back. I'm on Doctor #4 and it's a waiting game. I'm fine, but it's another layer on the stress cake.

This was in June. In July, I was in a car accident that totaled my 20-year-old car. My first response was laughter. I had to move back in with my parents because I couldn't afford a car payment and rent.

In August, I got my new car, took a week off of work to have a breather, and came back the next Monday to be fired from my job. Of course, there is no proof, but I believe I was fired for my cancer diagnosis which is fucked up, to say the least.

So, with a new car and no job, I applied for unemployment and about a million jobs. I was denied unemployment and since August, I have had 3 interviews. It's December and I am no closer to employment than I was in August.

29 needs to die.

Now, in all likelihood, I will not be in any better situation than I am now by the end of my 30th year, but my hope is to have improved the things that I can control.

So here's what I can control in my 30th year:

My lifestyle -continue to prioritize my mental and physical health

Writing

Starting my own Copywriting Agency

Financial Responsibility

Getting a dog

Things I will not be focusing on in my 30th year

Dating

Being skinny

Other people

Society's expectations

The nay-sayers who don't want me to get a dog

This is all I have for this post. I have more to say.

Bless

[6eetle]

Quickie thing i'm gonna blog about today teehee

it gets a little personal so if you dont wanna see allat i'll just put it under the cut

So like, this has been something that's been on my mind the past few weeks just as a floating concept in my mind. But today, my mom was looking at me try on a new coat. She asked me to come closer so she could examine it better so yk, i did, but then her attention drew to my face. She placed her hand on my cheek and when i looked at her she had a look of like?? absolute concern? Bewilderment, even! Why? Facial hair. Not enough to be considered a beard or anything but enough to be noticeable. She was all like "is that your hair?" (as in my actual head hair) and i was like..no? its like she didnt wanna believe it. No way! your DAUGHTER whos a GIRL has MAN hormones running through HER body! SHE isn't supposed to have FACIAL HAIR!

And I mean, technically I shouldn't have facial hair. I only have it because of PCOS. But then I think back to everything and the several cycles of denial, self-consciousness, confusion, and all the negative things I've thought about regarding the way that I am. The way my body works. And at some point I sorta just. Broke that cycle? I mean, it's still insanely difficult to accept sometimes when you pass as a woman to everyone on the outside but the INSTANT they see little ol me with some thick sideburns they get a worrisome look. Almost like they pity me! I've been told so many goddamn times as of recent years.. "Ness, you don't look like a woman! :(" "Ness! Here's some tips on how to shave!" My whole family looks at me like it's some horrible disease and that I just live in total absolute misery with a little extra hair lmao. I've even had a little kid come up to me and ask "do you have a beard?" and then it just felt like the whole room had eyes on me. But one thing I've noticed about it all is that I don't really care..? Heck, I even like it a little! But because of my own family always giving me weird looks for embracing something that's a normal bodily function by nature I feel insecure about it anyway. Not for myself, but for others. Because fuck dude!! maybe they're right! I don't pass as a woman! I mean I'm not a woman to myself, I identify as nonbinary with maybe a little bit of femininity in the mix, but that doesn't matter because they don't like it. because they think it's unnatural and is a problem that has to be treated.

And it's like. Idk man i'm so sick of being pitied and treated like some poor soul who doesn't know how to take care of themself. What I do with my body is my business. Why does it concern you??? Why do people always look at me and are so fucking put off by that small little feature about me? Always cherry-picking what should and shouldn't happen with my development. I didn't choose to grow the hair, I chose to keep it. And I'm going to continue to keep it because at the end of the day I've accepted it's a part of me. And it's super fucked that they only see me as some anomaly rather than a being who can, like everyone else, develop parts of them that are natural in a biological sense, but not natural to gender roles, beauty standards or whatever. Traits that are "ugly". It's super disappointing. Like yeah I'm beautiful until I start growing a beard or something i guess

This isn't necessarily a vent post I would say. In fact, I want to be positive about it! Because I really wanna emphasize the idea that no one should be in charge of the way you look, or the way you decide to love your body. Despite what's "wrong" with me, I'm totally fine, because i allow myself to be. Life is so much more peaceful when you don't got a bitch in your ear telling you things you already know!!!! Telling you to shave and look more lady-like!!! I think I'm winning tbh :3 Oh I don't look like a perfect soft-to-the-touch skin "not a hair in sight" girl? Sexcellent.

[lollypopsx]

Boyfriend!Harry Ever Since New York - Part 2

As always, please like if it’s not too shabby, re blog for anyone who you think may enjoy and follow if you want to read more! I love you all! Be safe and be kind x

Word Count: 5k 

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, mentions of blood, conversations about PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and Infertility.

A/n: Part 1 reached over 400 likes and I’m honestly In shock! Thank you to everyone!

So I did something a bit different with this. It wasn’t the kind of ending I originally thought of and it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I wanted to try and shed some light on a subject that I feel isn’t spoken about enough. I also wanted to make it slightly different to other stuff I have read and written. So I hope you all like it, and remember who you are, is always enough. x

Part 1 - Masterlist

—————————

Your jaw dropped as you pulled the door open wide, his emerald eyes full of sadness and regret, and in that moment, you wasn’t sure if you wanted to hug him or punch him.

“W-what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in Florida...”

 You felt the tears brim your eyes. You felt flutters in your heart as you realised he’d just flown 8 hours to be by your side again, he knew he was in the wrong and he knew the way he acted wasn’t acceptable to the woman he loves, and he flew back to be by your side because he wanted to make it right. But you couldn’t shake the fact that if he hadn’t of treated you like you was a no body, neither of you would need to be here.

“Y/N...baby, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fly to Florida when I knew you had flown all the way back home. Knowing you weren’t by my side, knowing that you left because of me. I-I just couldn’t. It feels so wrong when you aren’t by my side” You could feel the sadness in his voice, his eyes red and puffy and you could see the fresh tears blurring his vision. And maybe if you were arguing in a hotel corridor in Florida, you’d of forgiven him much quicker. But he’d driven you so far away that you made an impulse decision to be 3,459 miles away. Never had you walked away and left Harry before, as your brain gave you a flashback advert of all the reasons you’d left in the first place, you couldn’t help but feel the anger bubbling up inside you again.

“You can’t just turn up and expect to say sorry and I’ll come right back! I left for a reason Harry! You spoke to me like absolute shit and treated me fucking awful! You don’t get to do that to me Harry...and it’s not like it’s the first time you’ve done it”

You could sense the lump in his throat as he swallowed back the tears “Darling I-”

You cut him off quickly. Oh boy, you weren’t done yet. ”Not only that...and probably worst of all...you accused me of cheating Harry! I’ve been loyal to you since we’ve been 15! I’ve built my whole life around yours because I love you and only you, and I spend every single day of my life by your side and I would never...ever change or jeopardise that. Why don’t you trust me?!” You shout, the blood rising to your cheeks. He’d never seen an outburst from you this bad, sure you argued and bickered...but it wasn’t that bad.

Harry’s mouth fell open to speak “I didn’t mean...” He fumbled on his words.

“Why don’t you trust me?!” You scream once again, your voice echoing in the empty hallway “Say something you fucking coward!” You groan in frustration before choking out a sob.

“Shhh, baby please just listen to me...come on let’s talk in the living room” You melted as his hand took yours and he sniffled gently, wiping the tears from his cheeks quickly before you could see.

He sits on the sofa and pulls you gently to sit beside him. His arm wraps gently around your shoulders. “Y/N...I know there’s nothing I can do or say to change or take back what I said. I should never have spoken to you like that” He takes your chin into his fingers, tilting your gaze up to meet his, you could see his warm eyes glistening. “I have no reason for how I acted...It was awful, and I vow to never ever do that again in my life. I was just so nervous...and I was confused and I don’t know why I took it out on you. I never should have and I know that’s no excuse...nor does it justify anything” He sniffles softly, his thumb grazing your cheekbone. “P-please don’t leave me...I can’t ever bare the thought of ever being away from you”

You sniffle and look away silently. That silence was deafening to Harry, he felt his heart begin to drop into his stomach. “I-I don’t know Harry” You whimper softly.

“No...no baby please. I will do anything I need to. Talk t’me...tell me what it going to help fix this...I-I’ll do all of that and more!” He pleads, his eyes begging you as his grip on you tightens.

“I-I’m so confused H...I love seeing you as Harry Styles, I love seeing you fill the hearts of thousands of people a night and millions of people a day...b-but I miss my Harry...” You felt your lips tremble as you cry quietly, the tears spilling your cheeks.

My Harry. That was all he needed to hear.

“Oh my baby...I’ll always be your Harry...I’m still me” He frowns, his hands cupping your cheeks and bringing your face closer to him. “I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if you wanted me to” 

He said that a lot, but maybe this time he really did mean it. “Harry I would never want you to do that” You sniffle, your breath stifling in your chest. “You love your job so much...and everyone loves you” You whisper, closing your eyes and pressing your forehead against his gently.

“I do...I love my job and I love my fans...but none of that means anything if you don’t love me. If you aren’t with me every step of the way” He reassures you “Please just...promise me you wont leave me...I’ll give you the world and more” He frowns, panic filling his veins.

“You are my world Harry...I-I just think I need a few days home for a while. Not travelling...just staying here.”

“Then I’m not leaving...” Harry says firmly and stubbornly.

“Harry-...” You sigh 

“No I mean it, I thought you’d been taken, or ran away from me...I thought I’d never find you and I can’t go through that again...”

“You’re half way through the American leg of the tour Harry...you can’t just not go” You whisper, gazing into his trying eyes. Part of you felt guilty for leaving and making him feel this way. No. He needs to learn what he did wasn’t ok. Hold your ground Y/N!

“Look, just give me a few days...I’ll fly back out to you, I just need space and time for myself.” You whisper.

“Let me at least stay for the doctors appointment...until I need to go back for the next show” He looks at you hopefully. “I haven’t booked one yet...I don’t know when...” You whisper.

“Y/N...I know you think I don’t care...I do. I really do and I’m not leaving. Not now...not ever” He whispers. “Are you still bleeding...a lot?”

“I-I haven’t checked this morning. You literally woke me up...”

“Why don’t you go shower and I’ll phone the doctor?” Harry whispered as he presses a kiss against your brow.

You wander to the bathroom door before stopping in your tracks. “Harry...why did you come back?” You question. 

“Darling...I’ll always come back home to you” That was the answer you needed. You never thought he’d of flown back to be with you mid tour. You expected to be harassed with phone calls, not to be sat on your sofa with Harry. And that in itself calmed some of your anger. You knew he wouldn’t have come back if he didn’t care.

“C’mere darling...” He frowns as your turn back to face him, seeing the sadness in your eyes. he opens his arm out, and you didn’t hesitate to push yourself into his chest. His arms wrapped protectively, never wanting to let you go again.

You sniffled and buried your head under his neck as he swayed gently, his lips pressing against your forehead over and over again. This was the Harry you wanted every day. This was your Harry.

“Go have a shower baby...I have some phone calls to make” He whispers. You nod and lean up, pressing a soft kiss against his lips.

—————————

As you step out the shower and throw some comfy clothes on, you realise you’d not eaten since you’d been in New York and you had no food in the house at all. You sigh as you take your phone and head into the living room. The house was cold as you’d had the heating turned off for two months and your belly was rumbling. 

Harry was on the phone to Jeff, sat at the dining table. “Ok great...Thanks Jeff. I’ll write something up and then send it to you to check first....no I get it...yeah she’s seeing a doctor today...yeah...I’ll let you know as soon as we know.”

You shuffle onto the sofa and pull up the just eat app, sighing softly. “How are you feeling darling?” Harry asks softly, his eyes gazing to you as soon as he hears you shuffling. “I’m fine. I think the warm water helps the cramps” You whisper. He frowns softly. “You want me to get you a hot water bottle? I’d offer a tea...but we have no milk” He smiles softly.

“That would be nice. I was going to order some breakfast...what do you fancy?” You yawn softly as he sits beside you and looks through the menu on your phone. He decides on an all day breakfast from a local cafe, and you order the same, with two teas.

“Ok so, firstly, and most importantly. I phoned Doctor Murphy, she’s got an appointment for you at half 1, so as soon as food arrives and we eat, we’ll head up there. Then we will go and buy a few bits of food shopping. I just got off the phone to Jeff, he spoke to Amway Centre, and they said they can move the show to the 11th...so I-I can be here until the 7th with you, and if you want to come back with me that’s ok...but you know if you wanted to stay here a little while, we can sort you a flight so maybe you could meet us in North Carolina or something...o-or if you still need time, you could fly back out to New York...I’ve told Jeff when we get to New York, I want to spend a few days there with you...just us...-”

You smile softly as you eventually cut off his rambling. “Harry...you’re waffling now” You whisper and run a hand through his hair. “Thank you...for doing that for me. Let’s just...lets just see how things go yeah?” You whisper. 

Harry had written his statement and send it over to Jeff.

‘Unfortunately, due to some personal circumstances, tomorrow’s show at Amway Centre, Florida, has been moved to October 11th, 2021. I’m so sorry to any who had plans to travel, a refund will be issued if you are unable to make the new date. I’m so sorry, thank you for understanding. I love you all. H’

Your phone dings at the update from Harry’s social media and you couldn’t help but smile sadly. You knew he hated to cancel shows. And you were so thankful they could fit it in so close, that was extremely rare. He had gently pressed a hot water bottle against your stomach and you groaned softly. “Sorry baby” He mutters and presses a soft kiss to your belly button.

“I’m sorry you cancelled the show...” You whisper.

“Don’t be sorry. it was my choice. I’m doing what I need to do...because out of every fan I have...you will always be the one here forever...I hope” He mumbles softly, his fingers running through your hair.

Half an hour later your food arrived, and the two of you sat together at the dining room table, just like how you both would every time you came back from tour. The trip to the doctors surgery felt like a lifetime, when it was only 10 minutes.

Both in a hat and sunglasses, and praying you weren’t seen. It was difficult especially seeing as hours ago you were both spotted in New York, and the press loved to make up the craziest rumours, especially now that Harry had just cancelled a show.

You took a seat in the waiting room, gazing around at the other people. An elderly couple, a mum in her early 20′s, with a four year old playing and a small newborn attached to her breast, a teenage girl sat scrolling through her phone, a slightly older woman, rubbing her baby bump and another elderly gentleman reading a newspaper. “Harry...Harry can you come here please!” You heard a whisper shout. You both frown and groan internally as Harry’s head turns back to see why he was being called, although there was no one in the waiting room looking at him. 

“Am I hearing things?...Maybe I need to book myself an appointment” Harry muttered quietly, you look around just as confused until you sigh softly, poking Harry’s ribs and pointing to the woman with two children. Her son had began to wonder round the waiting room, ignoring his mums calls for him to come back and sit down.

“Hi...I’m Harry” The young boy wandered over to the two of you, a wide, cheeky grin plastered on his face. You’d figured he’d chosen you two because you were the only ones giving eye contact. 

“Hi...”You smile sweetly as Harry chuckles “Hello there...can I trust you with a secret?” Your Harry leans down to him, as the young boys eyes widen, nodding excitedly. “My name is Harry too!” He whispers and presses his fingers to his lips, making a shh noise. 

The boys eyes widen in disbelief  “No way! But...but how do people know which Harry is which out of us two?” The young boy gasped in pure amazement. 

“That’s a good point...how about I be big Harry, and you can be little Harry?” 

The boys lips turn up and cause him to giggle “No no, I be big Harry and you can be little Harry”

“I’ll let that happen this time!” He smiles

“Because my mummy says that I’m a big boy now because I can go for a toilet all by myself and I’m a big brother too. So that’s why I should be big Harry” The cheeky eyed boy nods and smiles.

“...He has a fair point” You smile to your Harry. His mum rushes over to take the young Harry’s hand. “Harry...I told you to stay with the toys, you can’t be running around” She frowns and runs her fingers through his hair. “God I’m so sorry...I didn’t realise it would be so difficult to deal with two children in a waiting room” She chuckle nervously, frowning as she dropped the dummy from between her fingers, her new born still in her arms. “Oh Christ” She sighs and leans down.

“Oh no no, it’s fine. I got it...” You smile and pick up the dummy, making sure there was no dirt on it and luckily it hadn’t fallen on the teet. “I think someone’s found his friend for life...” You tilt your head to the two Harry’s sat playing together at the tiny play table. “I erm...he’s never really had any male interaction before” She admits sadly. “Oh...I see...I’m sorry I-”

She shakes her head and smiles “No its alright...flaming useless their dad is. Nothing I can’t already do...” She whispers.

“...she’s beautiful...really beautiful” You whisper and smile at the now sleeping darling in her arms. “Oh thanks...she’s 14 days old. Eveigh...Eveigh Rose” She smiles. 

“Y/N Y/L/N...” The nurse calls as she steps out of her office. You wasn’t sure who the lady with you was, or if she recognised the two of you at all. If she did, she was doing a real good job of hiding it. If she didn’t...yours and Harry’s hiding could be blown.

You gulp quietly and stand up. “It was really lovely to meet you...Good luck with everything” You offer a warm smile. “...You too” She returns the smiles as you wait for Harry to say goodbye to his new little friend. He was so sweet, and seeing Harry with children always made your heart flutter, you couldn’t wait to start a family of your own.

He takes your had tightly and follows you into the Doctors office.

—————————

“It’s looking like a possible case of PCOS...” The doctor explains after you answer some questions

“W-What’s that?” Harry frowns softly “Is it serious-?”

“Well...that all depends. Life threatening, no. Life changing, possibly. PCOS is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Essentially, it affects how the ovaries can work. There could potentially be cysts on your ovaries, these aren’t harmful or dangerous in the majority of cases, like I say...they could potentially affect your ovaries. Hormone Imbalance, gaining weight, hair growth, irregular periods. They are most of the signs, and things it can cause. The main one however, is difficulty to conceive, or infertility”

Your lips fall into a frown as your gaze firmly hits the floor. Having a family was something you and Harry had always spoken about, and always wanted. In a way you felt like a killer, like you’d just taken so much away from him in a split second.

“S-so what do we do to treat it...” Harry squeezes your hand tightly, pleading for answers from the Doctor.

“I’m sorry Mr Styles, there isn’t a proper way to treat it...there’s things we can try to help...but I’m afraid nothing is promised.” The woman looks at the two of you apologetically. 

“I’m going to set you up for some blood tests, and while you’re here, we can do an ultrasound if you’d like, just so we can see the state of the ovaries” She offers.

Your brain felt scrambled, Harry had begged you not to leave him this morning, but you couldn’t help feeling like now maybe he would want you to leave. You just nod slowly as she preps for the rest of the appointment “Hey...my darling girl, look at me” Harry whispers softly, using his index finger to lift your chin, his sad eyes reflecting yours “It’s going to be okay...I’m here. We’ll get through this and see what we can do” He re assures you lovingly. You couldn’t seem to speak beyond a whimper as the Doctor quickly took some blood, and when asked, you laid on the bed, rolling up your t-shirt as she applied the cold gel. 

You’d always imagined the experience of an ultrasound to be the happiest feeling. But now, you’d never felt so...degraded.

After a few minutes, the doctor finally speaks “So, we can’t yet see any evidence of cysts so-”

“So she doesn’t have Po..Poly...that thing that you just said?!” Harry asked hopefully. “Unfortunately, there doesn’t need to be cysts for it to be PCOS...But we can see here that your left ovary is slightly bigger than the right...so we’ll see how the blood tests results come back, and we’ll give you some websites to look at about this, some leaflets. Are you on contraception at the moment?” She asks as she wipes the gel for you.

“Erm yeah I’m on Rigevidon” You mutter, “We can look at possibly changing that, that has a chance of possibly improving things” 

“O-Okay...thanks” You whisper. You’d never felt so small. She handed you some leaflets and you silently left with Harry. You felt the tears skimming your eyeline as you both walked quickly to the car. 

Harry stayed silent, “Can you drop me home please...I-I don’t think I want to face a food shop” You squeak out, almost silently. Harry nodded and took your hand into his, bringing your fingers up to his mouth so he could kiss your knuckle. 

As you walked through the door , slamming it behind you in frustration as you entered the comfort of your own house, you noticed Harry flinch at the bang and he quickly turned on his heel to face you. As soon as his eyes met yours, you was hit by a wave of emotion, falling into Harry’s chest as your cries broke his heart.

“Oh darling...” He frowns and pulls you closer, his hand rubbing small circles on your back “It’s alright...we’re going to be ok” He whispers

“How can you say that?!....How can you say that when now I’m just useless! I bet you can’t wait to leave me now! I bet you wish I had cheated on you, don’t you!” You burst into a sudden fit of anger, which safe to say, startled Harry.

“Baby...I would never..”

“What if I can’t have children Harry...” You sob, heartbroken at the idea. “Hey don’t think of that yet. We have so much time...so much time my girl...and the doctor said there’s things we can try to improve it...” He frowns and holds you.

“Are you going to leave me?...”

Harry almost choked on his own breath “Y/N...Why would I ever leave you?” His voice was firm.

“If I can’t ever get pregnant...are you going to leave? Because if you are I’d rather know so I can prepare myself” You whimper, your tears flowing and Harry’s face instantly softened. “You...you are my whole world and more. Never would I ever leave you. And we don’t know if you can’t yet...and if that is the case, there are so many things we can do. Whether you can have babies or not...I will never stop loving you” 

—————————

Harry Styles and childhood lover Y/N Y/L/N, spotted back in the UK after Styles announces a show date change in the US.

Witnesses claim to have seen the couple leaving with leaflets and holding hands, could it be that Y/N is pregnant? Could this mean a stop to Harry’s career and an early finish for his 2021/2022 tour?

—————————

The rest of the day was quiet. Apart from when you had calmed down from your crying, you could hear Harry shouting down the phone to someone. God forbid whoever it was. The two of you didn’t speak much, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. You both sat in front of the TV with Harry holding you as close as possible, although you weren’t paying much attention. The thoughts in your head were screaming.

Harry’s guilt was eating him alive and he could feel every knot in his stomach tightening the more he thought about it. He should never of treated you the way he did and he felt like he’d be spending the rest of his life making it up to you, proving he deserves to be in your life.

“I’m coming back to Florida with you...” You mutter out eventually. 

Harry frowns softly “Sweetheart, you don’t have to decide anything yet, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to come back so soon if you don’t want to”

“Can I be honest with you Harry...” You sniffle

“Well, I’d prefer it...” He gives you a gentle smile.

“If I don’t come back with you, one, I’ll be sitting here wallowing in my self pity about how useless I feel, and I’ll be too nervous to go out anywhere alone because of what the press are spreading, so I’ll either die from lack of food, get fat because I’ll just order food in every day, or I’ll go loopy from not seeing or speaking to anyone. And two, I’ll be spending every day and night without you, worrying that you’re going to leave me”

His brows furrowed at the last sentence “Sweetheart I told you, I would never-”

“I know Haz...I know you would never, but it would be eating me away. And you promised you’d do whatever it takes...now I’ve calmed down about the way you treated me, I’ve realised staying here while you go, won’t be fixing anything. Please Harry...” You whisper, pleading into his eyes.

“Ok...fine. But when we get to America, I want us to see a doctor out there for a second opinion.”

You nod in agreement, it was the least you could let him do.

—————————

You and Harry had flown back out to Florida a few days later. You both really did need those couple of days to relax and smooth things out between you. Jeff knew everything and had updated those close to you two on tour. For which you were extremely grateful because you wasn’t in the right mind to explain over and over that you may not be able to ever get pregnant. 

It was still a confusing and touchy subject. As you both arrive in the hotel, It was 8am, in Florida time but still 3am to you in your UK time, you felt exhausted after the 9 hour flight. You had managed to avoid the press, by diverting their attention of the flight time.

“Are you hungry darlin’? Mitch texted me to say everyone is downstairs for breakfast.” Harry asks, bring the bags into your shared hotel room and presses a soft kiss to your lips.

“Yeah a bit, I think I might just change quickly and I’ll meet you down there.” You smile softly against his lips. “Are you sure petal?” He asks in concern and you nod. “Yeah, can you get me breakfast and a tea please” 

He nods and leaves, heading downstairs to say hello to everyone. You sigh deeply and rummage through your suitcase, you found your Nike leggings and a baggy fitting jumper of Harry’s. You put your glasses on and slipped on your comfy converse before grabbing your phone, brushing your hair quickly and heading downstairs. 

Sarah was the first to come up to you, hugging you tightly “Are you ok?” She whispers quietly and you just nod silently, a small smile on your lips. “I’m fine” You whisper, greeting the others too. They all offered you a warm hug, and a sympathetic smile, you knew they didn’t want to ask at the fear of upsetting you.

They’d all asked Harry how you were doing, especially after all the pregnancy stories coming out. You wander over to sit down and chat to everyone else. You gaze up at Mitch holding his son and you couldn’t help but smile sadly, picking at your food, only managing to eat half of it. 

“So I just wanted to check with everyone, I was thinking maybe we could do a full show run through today at the arena, just so I can remember what I’m doing.” Harry chuckles softly, his hand squeezing your knee under the table, and his hand finding yours quickly for comfort. Everyone nods in agreement as they eat. 

After a while, you all headed together to the arena and you keep your stare out the window during the car ride. You didn’t speak much, not until someone was speaking directly to you. You wasn’t being rude, you just didn’t feel overly chatty and you was still super tired.

You sat the the table placed in the front pit with Jeff, and a few other crew members for them to watch the lighting, ensure cues and cameras would pick up, and you sat doing some work on your laptop, listening to Harry’s beautiful voice as you worked.

Jeff called for a break half way through as Harry needed to go over some issues with the lighting and camera technicians. Sarah had made her way over to you, with your beautiful godson on her hip “Hey, can I grab you backstage a minute, we wanted to to check over the new merch?” You nod and close your laptop.

“Yeah sure” You smile at the gorgeous boy in her arms, as much as seeing little ones was tugging on your heart strings at the moment. He still made your heart swell “Hello darling” you smile and rub his cheek gently as he whimpers hungrily. 

“Oh babes...you can’t be hungry again! I only have 5 minutes before Uncle Haz comes back” Sarah sighs softly. “I can take him...” You offer quietly. Sarah smiles gratefully “Are you sure? You don’t have to...” 

“No I’m sure...honestly it’s ok” You smile and take him into your arms, holding him closely. “I’ll warm the bottle up in a second” She smiles. They head backstage and sit on the sofa as Sarah heats the bottle up and grabs the box of new merch samples. “Oh they’re perfect...I was worried it would be too much but these look great” You smile proudly. The love on tour logo covering the right breast, and ‘Treat People With Kindness’ down one arm of the Hoodie; a t-shirt with a collage of photos of Harry and the band on the back; a t-shirt with Harry’s tour dates on the back; and a few other styles of t-shirts and Jumpers. 

“You know...when I was 18 the doctors told me I had PCOS...” Sarah says softly, her arm wrapping round your shoulders. “Really?...But the doctor said-”

“Doctors get it wrong sometimes Y/N, don’t dwell on it too much. Besides you two haven’t really been trying yet. You’ll never know until you start trying. I know it’s tough and it’s upsetting to think about...but your time will come” She presses a kiss against your cheek and heads onto stage.

“Can the Love on Tour band return to the stage please. That’s the love on tour band to the stage. Thank you” The speaker’s words hear the room as you follow Sarah back to the arena, with a bottle in your hand as you sit back down, cradling the small boy as you feed him. Harry glances over from the stage and blows a kiss over to you “Hang on one second...” Harry speaks into the mic before jumping down from the stage and running over “Are you ok?” He whispers, pressing his lips firmly against yours. And you nod “...Yeah...I am” You whisper back. 

“Are you sure? I didn’t know if you’d want to be around a...baby” He whispers, his large finger wrapped up gently by the tiny fingers of your God son. There will never be a way to know what your future holds. But for now...this was all the family you needed.

“Our time will come Haz...” You whisper.

—————————

“Tag List: @harryhoney-bee - @sunandherflores -  @beachwood-cafe - @damnasstyles - @awesomebooklover17 @girlboss99

[kpop-dungeon-dark]

Sinners. (Stalker!San x You)

•TRIGGER WARNING•

Warning(s): Semi Non-Con, sadism, masochism, fear kink, hair play, head shaving, complete submission, humiliation, degradation, anal, camera play, piercing, denial, chastity, Psycho!San, twisted and dark fucked up shit. Read at your own risk. You've been warned. This isn't for everyone. It is purely fiction and doesn't reflect any individual's behavior nor does it encourage it.

It was early in the morning and she was about to go to college in an hour. But instead of running around having breakfast, getting ready and making sure she had her assignments ready, Y/n was standing in front of her mirror, eyes closed as she touched her pussy and touched an electric razor to her head, imagining what it'd feel like if it was on and an imaginary 'Master' was forcefully shearing her. Like a sheep. "Ahh... Master… please..." The girl let a whimper fall from her lips, having no idea that the curtains of her room were open and someone could watch her through the window.

"Fuck…" The man standing outside, behind the PCO booth on the sidewalk outside Y/n's apartment complex whispered to himself, feeling his jeans tighten. Taking a picture of the girl before switching it to video mode, planning to send her the photo later. It had been a while now. Maybe a bit more than a while. He was ready and sure now, unable to wait anymore.

San had to have Y/n now.

He had to claim her rightfully his. Or, he felt like he'd lose his mind now. Just watching the pretty girl wasn't enough anymore. He wanted to touch her, feel her, tell her, that he knew… He knew that she wasn't as innocent as she made herself look in front of the people that knew her. That she was actually a hormonal little dirty girl. And whilst nobody knew that nasty side of her, he did. The thought made the man feel powerful. In control. Like he had a claim over Y/n.

There was no way in hell that she wasn't made for him.

Y/n got done with masturbating and packed up before going to college, having no idea that she had a stalker. The girl spent her usual regular day at college, having no idea of the storm that was coming.

.

San knew Y/n were in class and that’s exactly when he wanted to send her the photo he took. A sick smirk made its way on his face and he took his phone out, sending it with the caption, 'having fun there?' He knew where she sat, a lone desk by one of the windows in this classroom, the spot he was standing in providing him a clear view of her face. Yes. The man had all the information he could gather about her memorized by heart.

Y/n was drifting off when she suddenly felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, peeking at the Professor sneakily, the girl took it out and unlocked it only to choke on her breath before starting to cough, making some heads turn which caused her to put the device in her hand away to prevent it getting seized. Her blood ran cold and skin paled.

What the fuck just happened?!

San patiently waited for the female to exit her college, her being earlier than the usual time today, however. The man grinned deviously as he texted her again once she passed by him in a hurry, his taller figure getting up to follow her.

'Will you give that show again? Would you like someone to shave your hair off? That’s what gets you off right?' It shamelessly read, making her tremble.

Y/n started to rush towards her house as she didn't live too far away from her college, not having to use any vehicle because it was barely a 10 minute walk as she nervously glanced around. She was quite twisted herself. And so, a dark part of her mind thought... things, making her start to shudder as tears welled up in self hatred. She hated the soft pounds in her southern region, overpowering the thump of her heart ringing in her ears as she reached the building and rushed in.

'What's the rush for, Princess? Are you so eager to touch yourself again? Tsk. Are you horny? Knowing someone is watching you?' San was absolutely sick in the head. Chuckling at his own text, he bit his lip and hit send.

Y/n was shaking as she read the message. Yes. In her fantasies this was… thrilling, exciting, pussy throbbing and she'd like to play like this with her top but… a legit stalker? She wasn't THAT fucked. Or so the girl belived, at least. Rushing to the curtains after locking the front door, the girl drew them while trying to catch someone's glance outside but no luck.

San had mastered the art of hiding as he watched her. It wasn't like this was new or anything.

Y/n felt hopeless. She couldn't even call the cops! What would the girl show them as evidence?! She didn't want to tell or show them this! Her filthiest desire.

The 21 year old was having a mental breakdown! All her savings were in this college. She could not run away, didn't have any friends because Y/n was a foreigner and the people of this country were rather hostile to any outsiders. Couldn't go back home because she had run away from there, which was a hell in itself, when she had received her acceptance letter.

'Aww come on now!' Her phone pinged again, and then again. 'You can’t keep the fun all to yourself!'

The realisation felt like a bucket of ice cold water everytime she was reminded of it. The person had seen her masturbating and that to the fucking… razor! They knew her fantasies and at that the darkest ones! She couldn't even text them back asking him who it was! The girl was simply too embarrassed to! What if it were someone she knew in her college or around the apartment complex!

It was a dark day and it started raining. Y/n felt tears streaming down her face as her heart beat never slowed down, more terror filling her as everything outside got dark and thunder struck.

Maybe she should call the cops... No one else would help a foreigner… She just knew it. Nobody liked college students especially that lived alone because they were 'reckless' and often lied to get a good laugh out of the elders with their friends. So no one really opened their door for a student they didn't know personally.

But what would she tell the cops?! They ask for evidence!

Meanwhile, San stood on the spot he had found. Even if it was literally the end of the world, he'd still be there. Always. She was his and he had to have her all to himself. There was no other way. The man wasn't exactly sure how he'd do it but he’ll find a way.

.

Y/n called the cops at last when she started suspecting someone's presence outside her apartment. Or window… she wasn't sure anymore. And the loud thunder outside didn't help her situation. Dialing the police the scared girl told them she was afraid someone was stalking her and needed an officer for security right now. i Telling them about the texts and deciding to leave the nasty parts out, she sighed in somewhat relief when they informed that they will send an officer on the way. The student grabbed a water from the fridge and sat on the couch, taking huge gulps while trying to calm down.

Finally.

It only took some minutes before there was a knock on the door. A nervous Y/n looked through the peep hole to only cry out in relief when she saw the uniform through it. "Oh! Thank God, officer! Thank you so much! You're here!" She  was overjoyed. "Thank you! I- I am so scared!" A weak sob left her. "Please come in!"

The officer looked around the house, nodding. "I need you to calm down, miss. Tell me everything. We are here with you." His tone was professional. His name plate read 'Park Seonghwa'.

"I- I have a stalker! I don't know how!" Y/n quickly locked the door after he stepped in. "Not many people like me because I am a foreigner! I don't know if it's someone from college troubling me o- on purpose or what... B- But they've been sending me some really p- personal stuff..." She looked up at him innocently, scared.

The dark haired man hummed and nodded. "Do you maybe know the number? Have you noticed any suspicious activity around you before? Is there someone who has a motive to do this?"

"N- No... I got the first text today... I- I am really scared... I've got no one here... W- What do I do?" She told him all of it, hoping that the culprit he caught as soon as possible so she could go back to her life where she was a nobody. No one knew her and she was just another face among many others..

"Alright. We’ll keep a close eye on you. Within this period, try not to hang out too much, yeah? It is best to come directly home after college. And call us on this number if you suspect anything." He wrote a number on a paper and handed it to the shaky girl.

"Oh... Alright officer... thank you..." She saved the number gladly. And since he was supposed to stay with her to ensure the girl's safety, they sat down and Y/n awkwardly turned the TV on. Oh she never had a guy in her apartment before.

.

After getting used to the feeling of safety, Y/n got up after a while, finally having calmed down as she felt hungry. Cooking some dinner for two people, she went and handed the officer one of the two plates. "You've been here since evening... Please eat." She politely smiled, softly blushing from the embarrassment. The girl was too soft, continuously thanking him like it wasn't his job.

"You're a true hero..." She giggled and sat on the other couch, totally not thinking about how handsome he was. Before a sigh left her as she was reminded of the situation. "Officer... What will happen to my stalker when you catch him...?" He knew her darkest secrets. "I am really afraid... They mentioned some... things... very private... things..." The girl finally confessed.

“Mind telling me those things, miss? It will help us with his punishment. The more detail, the better” he placed his plate down, grabbing his pen and notepad.

"O- Officer... I uh..." Y/n gulped. "I- I can't..." She felt ashamed

“Why not? We should know so we can sentence him longer in the court. This is not okay. And you’re a foreigner. So it may also come under bullying.” His tone was soft and assuring as he looked at her, concerned.

It took the student a bit of persuasion before she spoke, hanging her head low and fingers fidgeting in her lap. "I... I was being naughty with myself... A- And they took p- pictures from my window... A- And taunted me about my... p- preferences, s- sir..." She put her own plate on the table now.

The man only hummed, nodding in an understanding manner. “That’s such a disgusting thing for him to do…” Before the man continued. “You shouldn’t do those nasty things while your windows are open either, Miss… You never know who will be watching.”

Y/n was blushing hard as her cheeks felt extremely hot. "I am sorry, s- sir... I won't do it again..." She couldn’t help but reply obediently. Her sub side sometimes got the best of her.

Besides… The officer was so handsome... It wasn’t helping her situation here.

.

A few hours later when it was bedtime and Y/n went to sleep in her room after taking care of her assignments and on the work she missed at school today, the officer got comfy on the couch. He was going to be here until tomorrow morning. Unless something happened. The girl was so tired she fell asleep easily, feeling protected and warm despite the terrible weather outside.

It was really late at night when Y/n woke up to a phone call.. "Hello?" It was the police, informing her that the officer that had been sent to her house had a bad ‘accident’ on the way and whether she still needed an officer.

The girl’s eyebrows at first in confusion before it sunk in and her blood ran cold as the phone fell from her shaking hands. At the same time she felt someone next to her. On the fucking bed. Pure terror filled her and she slowly turned to look at the relaxed figure dressed in the uniform. A shaky cry left her as she started trembling, literally mortified.

“Tsk... The stupid cops ruined the fun.” His voice was nowhere near that gentle and warm comforting voice now. Instead a low and deep hiss filled with nothing but mock.

.

San's eyebrows were frowned when he saw the cop car pulling up. "Oh no... you did not, Princess." The male smirked and shook his head slowly as he noted that it was only one officer. Moving through the shadows, he pulled out his blade from the pocket of his pants, expertly swirling it around in his hand and toying with it like he usually did. "Now, let’s see why do you need the officer, babygirl" his voice was barley a whisper as he made his way over to the car.

San was always so slick with his movements, catching the non-existent sounds of his figure were barely audible to the human ear. Before the officer could even realise there was someone around, the male had banged his head against one of the entrance walls of the low rent cheap apartment building, dragging him into the darkness with him before stealing his clothes and then dumping his body in the river along his car.

It didn't even take him long. He was fast, accurate in his calculations and confident in his abilities. "Now, to my Princess' rescue" chuckling to himself as he climbed the stairs, pinning the nameplate reading 'Park Seonghwa' on his breast pocket before ringing the bell to her apartment.

.

"The real fun is only starting" San sang as he pinned her down on the bed, holding her wrists tight above her head. "You have no idea how many nights I've watched you touch that bitchy cunt of yours." His hard bulge rubbed against her thigh.

An astonished Y/n was trembling, warm piss suddenly starting to leak out of her in pure terror as her heart threatened to burst out of the skin of her chest. Oh no! Is that what she thought this was?! It took her brain a few moments to understand it as the realisation sunk in like a ton of bricks. "Y- You... You're... You..." She could only whisper, eyes widened to the shape of saucers as an evil grin made its way on his features.

As San felt the bed getting warm, he started laughing at the girl condescendingly. "Look at you! Pissing yourself like a baby! How pathetic and disgusting! Did you really think anyone would help you, tsk?" He loved how she was shaking, the glow of her skin caused by the little droplets of sweat, her heartbeat that he could literally feel and the terror in her eyes.

Y/n started crying, the piss not stopping as it pooled inside her thighs. "Y- You're... You're the... stalker…" She whispered, still in disbelief as to how he managed that. "H- How did... How did you..." Oh God. Oh no.

The storm outside was so loud that screaming for help would just be in vain. It was so late no one would even be up...

"Baby, just like you said… I’m the stalker… I know everything about you…" His tone was sensual as he started kissing up the soft skin of her neck, moaning from how soft and delicate it felt. "Fuck! Your skin is even softer than i- it looks…" San felt himself twitch.

The girl was trembling as she slowly put it all together, staring at the ceiling as a feeling of despair and hopelessness filled her. "Y- You were p- pretending a- all this time! You're not the officer!" Adrenaline filled her as she kneed his cock, swiftly turning on her stomach and crawling off the bed before rushing out of the room. Nobody could hear the commotion. It was too loud outside.

"FUCK! YOU BITCH!" San yelled before laughing loudly. He loved this. Finally something enjoyable in his once lone and bland life. Holding his crotch, the male after her to catch the girl before she got away, catching her easily. "Where do you think you’re going?!" A smack landed on her face as punishment for what she did.

"LET ME GO! LET ME GO! Y- YOU CREEPY BASTARD!" Oh she would be getting a lot of beating for this! "H- HOW DARE YOU STALK ME A- AND THEN ENTER MY HOUSE! ILL R- REPORT YOU!" As she reached out to my table to hit him with something, her hand so conveniently ended up grabbing the razor and swung it back, going to hit him with it on the head.

San laughed tauntingly and caught her arm before she could hit him and shook his head, sighing. "Now now, isn’t this the razor you were holding when you played with that tiny little cunt of yours?" The shiny object dangled in his hand.

"P- PLEASE!" She remembered the text he'd sent her. "PLEASE! I- I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT DON'T DO THIS! PLEASE! I BEG YOU!" Y/n had no idea what to say.

"Aww sweetie…" His words were soft. Almost. "Keep your begs for the time when I'll be pounding that dirty little pussy of yours." San held her hands above her head. "You like to be owned, huh? You like to serve your Master and show everyone how much of an obedient little whore you are?"

Y/n was crying harder now, afraid because she didn't know what was going to happen. "N- No! Please no! It's not true! P- Please just let me go! I- I don't want to!" Oh but she had a being kidnapped and raped fantasy. She loved the thought of someone dangerous, like San, terrifying her and fucking her, making her into his cockwhore. And he knew it. She wanted it all. The girl loved the fear and force. But all of it actually happening was something she'd never thought of. "Please! Let me go!" How could it? A whole fantasy becoming true?

"Oh please, my little slut! Let’s not fool ourselves here. I know you love the thrill of this, I know you LOVE getting used like a worthless little toy and I will give you what you want. You can try to resist me all you want but you’ll never get away from me. You're mine. I'll always catch you. You're mine and belong with me." Her eyes were on the razor as she kept thinking about the text he'd sent.

Y/n tried to reach out of his iron strong hold and snatch the razor from him. "Nu-uh…" San sang out as he held the object above him. "What if I shaved your head while I’m destroying that slutty pussy, huh? Would you like that you little whore?"

"No! NO! NO PLEASE!" Oh… But she felt wetness trickling down her leg. Oh no.

"My my!" The man chuckled darkly. "What’s this?" He swiped a finger up her bare thigh. "God, you’re such a pathetic whore, trying to fool yourself by saying no but I know you’re enjoying this. How stupid and dumb. Stupid slut!" His free hand smacked her face before grabbing her hands again.

"N- No! No! Please stop! This i- isn't what it looks like!" Before she somehow broke free again, this time biting his hand before she managed to reach the door, trying to unlock it but her hands were sweaty and cold, fingers literally frozen as she struggled to open the locks, cursing when they kept slipping against the metal.

San pushed Y/n up against the door with the most force he could come up with and pounced himself on her, letting his hard cock feel up her ass. "Don’t fight it anymore." And with that, he pulled her pj shorts down and turned her around before spreading her legs and pushed her up against the door, unclothing his cock and aligning his tip against her vagina before forcefully thrusting into her without warning before moaning loudly, throwing his head back. "God! Such a tight little nasty cunt!" San moaned and kissed along her neck, feeling like he'd go crazy from how delicate and nice her skin tasted.

The girl moaned loudly in pain, a warm stream of blood trickling down the man's monster cock. "O- Oh my God!" A sick part of her wondered if he would also shave her head and face... "I- IT BURNS!" A scream tumbled out of her lips.

"Oh… You were a virgin? Such a nasty little thing. Everyone thinks you’re an innocent little girl but in reality, you’re just a needy little bitch! Needy for cock! All the time!" He picked her up and carried the girl back to her room while still keeping his cock in her before plugging the razor in. "Come here!"

Oh yes. Oh no! Oh… She was having a battle with herself. Did she want this or did she not want this?! "PLEASE... S- SIR..."  Please yes or please no...? She didn't even know what was happening anymore. This was fucking crazy. Her stalker who had done God knows what to the cop and had entered her house after watching her for who knew how long. The stalker that had a private photo of her and she didn't even know how many other materials. And now was on top of her like this...

"Please what, babydoll?" San pulled her in and kissed the soft trembling lips roughly, loving how good she tasted and felt.

Y/n cried against his lips, the man's huge cock still in her wet and tight walls. "I- I am scared! P- People will laugh!" Was that the only thing she cared about?

"So you want me to, but scared people will laugh?" San smirked while pushing his hips back and forth, moaning with each thrust. "Let them laugh, that will turn you on even more because you love getting humiliated. I know you too well, baby.”

Y/n had faced such rejection and hostility her whole life from different people she had trusted with her safety from time to time… this was driving her crazy. Her messy emotions got the best of her at the end of it. Her breaths were heavy. "Y- You're right... You know me so well..." She started speaking his language. "Y- You want me? O- Or you'll leave me too?" This was wrong; sick.

“No. I am staying by your side and you’re staying by me. I’ve wanted you for so long... you have no idea.” He groaned at how good she felt, biting back the whimpers threatening to fall out of his lips from the pleasure. “You have no idea just how many nights I have jerked off thinking it was your tiny little pussy, hugging my cock as you moaned and begged me for more, slut.”

The girl blushed, feeling like she was dreaming. This felt perfect… at least to her troubled mind. "You're crazy... You're scary... You made me piss myself out of pure…” She whispered slowly, a small smile making its way on her lips. “...P- Please own me... P- Please shave me... my head and face... make me look like a dumb slut... s- sir... Your dumb slut..." Her shaky hand turned the razor on for him, pussy suddenly clenching around him as she finally acknowledged the pleasure it was receiving, a soft moan escaping her.

“Mmm... that’s my good slut” San hummed and praised, taking the now on machine and placing it against her hairline before running it down the top of her head, both of them moaning, Y/n from the feeling and San from the sight of the sight of now small bristles between her locks as his hips pushed in and out even faster.

The man now shaved off another strip from the spot besides the previously shaved one, humming as he remembered something and took the machine to her eyebrows first and pressed it against the skin, feeling himself hit her g-spot as her eyes rolled to the top of her head, mouth falling open as the male erased the hair above her eyes.

"Yes, s- sir! Please make me your good slut! I- I love you! I'll never leave you! Please never leave me, Master!" She started crying out of joy, kissing his hands as her unstable emotions made her feel absolute joy. He had accepted her as she truly was. In her darkest form. “Please write funny things o- on my skinhead when you’re done. I am a dumb whore!” To her, there wasn’t a man more great than him.

“Fuck yes… That you are.” San grunted as he started to shear the rest of her long locks like one would to a sheep. “You are my dumb little slut who will do nothing but serve her Master from now on!” His free hand landed a smack on her head which was showing up more and more, nothing but thin stubble covering the skin.

"Yes I will, Master! Please! Please treat me like trash!" Y/n clenched around him, near to cumming. “Trash that was born to take your cock! You're so good to me! I wish you'd snuck in my house this morning and raped me right there! I wish you'd have shaved my head and forced me to go to college like that! It would have been a pleasure to be humiliated like that and by you!” She was literally crying out of pleasure

“Oh..” The man chuckled while panting. “I will force you to go like this baby, don’t worry.” He promised as he snapped his hips even faster, feeling himself getting close from the sight and all her filthy confessions. “And I will wake you up by fucking you every morning, making you a mess and sending you off to college like that.” It was done, the only hair on the girl’s head slight messy stubble that he’d remove with a hand razor later to reveal the skin underneath.

"Yes, please! Please always only force me and rape me! Please keep me bald! Keep me at your feet! Please feed me your piss and cum! I want to be your hand and footrest! I want to be an object for you to fuck! A bitch for you to breed! Your little animal! I JUST WANT TO BE YOURS! I WANT TO BE THE DIRT UNDER YOUR FEET!" She was sobbing as she started cumming hard, her tiny body spasming in pleasure while holding one of San's hands because it was her first time cumming from sex.

Y/n wrapped her arms around him from the intensity of it and kissed him while he played with her tits, pinching her nipples painfully as he kissed the girl back and let her ride out her high before pulling out. “On your knees!” San kept pumped himself until he came all over the girl’s pretty face and mouth. “That’s my good little cumdumpster.”

She smiled and started to kiss his cock and hands in respect, then his balls. Y/n really had truly submitted. "You're perfect, Master! Where have you been all my life?!" A pout made its way on her lips as she whined, hugging his leg and kissing it, not daring to go further up out of fear.

San was satisfied with her behavior. “I’m here now baby… And I am never leaving.” He kissed the younger one and slapped her ass lightly after helping her get up. “Lets get cleaned, doll.”

"Master, I wanna drink your piss." She shamelessly told him, not standing up, taking his cum off her face with her hand and greedily sucking at it. "A- And I wanna kiss your feet!" She was way too eager for this.

The man chuckled at her request. “You want to drink my piss? Then open up, my whore.” San held his cock over her mouth before putting pressure on his bladder, whimpering before the hot stream hit her lips.

Y/n was obediently on her knees drinking all of it after cringing at the taste a little, moaning happily. It was her first time drinking anyone's piss. She was in heaven. She finally had an owner! The girl made sure not one drop went to waste. "Thank you so much, Master! It is amazing!" The younger one stopped drinking and let his piss wet her face before starting to kiss his feet, fully in her subspace.

“You’re such an obedient little girl.” San praised, not being able to hold back the smile as he watched her, never having imagined her willingly being like this for him in such a short time period. But then again, he wasn’t surprised. “Good girl.” He cooed patting her head.

Y/n desperately kissed his hand and grabbed it, starting to cry. "M- Master... everyone leaves me... P- Please don't leave me... I- I'll die!" She almost promised him, nothing short of a maniac. Maybe she was even more twisted than San, in a way

“I’ll never leave you, you’re mine and everyone will know that.” Cupping her cheeks, he passionately kissed her, already making plans in his head about how he will modify all of her features as his perfect little pet.

The girl giggled, sucking at his lips greedily. "Master! Your piss was on my face!" She tried to get it off. "Give it back! Ish mine!" Huffing, she lapped at his piss like a needy little bitch.

San chuckled from her antics and swiped his fingers on the pretty face before holding them up against her lips. “Open up…” He let her suck on the piss covering his fingers. “Fuck... you’re so perfect for me.”

Holding his arm like a child, Y/n started sucking on his fingers greedily, smiling. "Thank you, Master!" Before she made his fingers hit the back of her throat, making herself gag and loving it all. "Mashter Mashter! Whatsh your name?" The girl questioned while deep throating his fingers.

“It’s San, baby.” The man replied with a smile, watching her choke on his fingers, her warm drool trickling down his long fingers.

"Shan! Ish sho pretty! I am Y/n!" Letting go of his hand, she hugged him which was returned with a chuckle.

“I know, babygirl.”

"M- Mashter... I- I dunno why b- but... I- I shaw a video too a- and I want you to s- shove my shaved hair u- up my assh and i- in my mouth... a- and take picturesh... Hehe I am sho naughty!" His eyebrows raised as she hid in his chest, a smirk forming on his lips.

San patted her messily shaved head. “Yes. You are, baby. You’re fucking naughty but okay. Daddy is here to help his little girl with all her little disgusting whore fantasies.”

"Y- You wanna?" Before she chirped again. "Mashter I want to be owned like an object a-nd like an animal! I wanna be like a p- piggy! A- And I want you to b- beat me and whip me e- everywhere a- and I wanna be bruished! A- And I want to be raped all the time!" She was too fucking sick and twisted but now that she wasn’t afraid of being judged, she was letting all that was locked deep down out.

“If that’s what you want, then I’ll treat you like one, baby.” San said before chuckling to himself, still in disbelief of just how fucked up she really was.

"A- And I want you to fuck my bummie and not let me cum for monthsh! I wanna be forshed to wear chashtity! I want you to make me cry and beg but you don't give in and only torture me more!" She told him. "Pleashe alwaysh shlap me and my head!"

“Fuck... you’re so naughty baby… I love it.” San almost moaned from the sight before getting a chunk of her shaved hair and shoved it in her mouth before getting his phone and taking pics of her all stuffed and messily bald like that.

The twisted girl smiled in the pictures and eagerly nodded, turning her fat ass in front of him now. "Please put hair in assh too!" She struggled to speak, smiling and posing for all of the pictures.

San actually wanted to take a video of him shoving hair up her ass and so that was what he simply did, laughing. “Look at this disgusting little dumb cock whore! So slutty and needy! Loving to be humiliated and looked like a dumb fucktoy by her owner!” He spat on her.

"Yesh I am! Yesh I am!" Y/n spoke with difficulty, showing her stuffed face and head too, arching her back, imagining herself a beauty goddess of her own kind. "My lobely mashter shaved me! And ish gonna treat me like hish trash and look! I habe hair up my assh! And in my fashe! I've got no eyebrowsh!"

“My good little slave… All mine… So submissive” San praised, kicking her ass in the camera and chuckling at her squeak, watching her clench the hair up when her pucker winked. “You’re really loving this, aren’t you?” Lifting her face, he spat on her forehead.

"I ammmm~" she whined, face red before starting to try to rub her cunt against the floor.

“Look at her trying to desperately rub her slutty cunts on the floor…” He filmed it all. Fuck. He loved seeing Y/n all dirty and submissive for him.

Drool was dripping down her chin and boobs. "Yesh Mashter! O- Onwy fow yoooouuu~" a needy whimper left her.

“Mmm... yes, only for me” San spoke and slapped her hard which the girl loved, getting even more wet and kissing his hands. "I- I... cum pleashe..." She whimpered again, loving the control she was in.

“No... get up.” San warned sternly. “You’re not allowed to cum, you’re never allowed to cum.”

"B- But... M- Mashter..." The girl pouted and whined, having forgotten that she was the one that told him that she wanted him to never let her cum and torture her like that.

“Are you talking back to your Master?” Raising an eyebrow, he gripped her chin before slapping her, making sure it was all being recorded so he could fuck her to it later.

Her pussy tingled. “N- No! No Mashtew owwiieee…” The hair in her ass and mouth tickled humiliatingly.

"That’s what I thought" San husked and threw the phone on the bed before pushing her on the carpet again. "Tell me when you’re close."

"M- Mashtewwww" Y/n started crying like a little baby, shaking and dropping the hair from her mouth because it was getting hard to breathe.

"Did I say you could drop the hair?!" The man growled darkly before pushing the hair back in. "Breathe through your nose, dumb slut!"

The girl let out a cry, trembling and sobbing as she nodded. He was rough. It was making her cry. But she also loved it and felt wet. "Yesh!" She loved being at Master's mercy.

"Good girl." He said pushing her down on the carpet more. "Rub yourself nice and hard slut." Y/n started rubbing herself as he ordered, feeling the carpet burn against her pussy but she couldn't help but love it, biting her bottom lip through her stuffed mouth. Oh… She loved it so much. The girl wanted it to bleed almost… Reaching out to hold his hand, the girl spoke. "You're sho perfect... I wish I'd m- met you when I wash l- little..."

"I wish that too baby, fuck... I’d fuck you every night while your parents were peacefully sleeping in the next room…"

"Y- You'd fuck me when I wash a little baby?" This was fucking revolting and twisted. They were both utterly sick. Y/n kept moaning loudly and getting wetter, rubbing harder and harder. "Y- Your fat cock i- in my toothlessh mouth... AHHH... I wouldn't need miwk... You'd have fed me your Mashtew milk fwom youw cock..."

"Fuck yes!" He growled as he felt himself getting hard. "Yes baby… I'd feed you my cum every day. You'd have grown up getting your nutrients from it, eh?"

"Daddy... Daddy... You'd be my Daddy? But inshtead of miwk you'd feed me youw cum evewyday? Ish the besht miwk!" She was very close and her eyes fluttered shut when he started playing with her tits and pinched her nipples before pulling at them. "Then I'd say I grew up drinking Mashtew's cock miwk! Hehehe!" The girl was too far gone.

"God, yes! You’re such a filthy and sick whore!" San knew she were close so he pulled her up. "No cumming!" It made the girl whine loudly and she fell on her face.

"Mashtewwwwww!" Before she curled in his feet, calming down a little when he didn't give in and ripped her pussy away from the carpet. "M- Mashtew... p- pleashe may I wemove haiw now...?" It was getting stuck to her mouth.

"Yes. You may, my little cum rag." The male wanted to use her mouth and feed her his cum so he allowed.

Y/n dropped it and quickly cleaned her tongue and inside of the cheeks with her tiny hands. "Bleg... hehe~" she curled in his waist, rubbing her tiny head against his chest.

"Good girl~" he patted her head before pushing her back in position. "Now use that mouth good baby…" San pushed his cock down her narrow throat, loving how tight and warm she was, making her gag from the rush of it in an instant.

The girl gagged but enjoyed it, loving it all. She quickly started sucking his cock, grazing her teeth against it and swirling her tongue. Y/n had watched all that porn for a reason. Kissing his balls, she sucked on them, whimpering from how his private hair tickled her nose.

"Fuck! look at you! Sucking on master’s cock like a starved bitch!" He slapped her again, feeling his shape against the skin of her cheeks. "You love it, don’t you?!"

"Yesh! Yesh! Yesh!" She hollowed her cheeks and bobbed her head up and down his shaft, sucking and whining as San rubbed the top of his foot against her pussy, smacking her bald head before pushing his cock all the way down her throat, tightly clasping the back of her head.

The man groaned loudly as he twitched in the soft walls of her throat, washing her throat with his hot semen before cleaning her up and finally shaving her head fully until there was nothing but glossy skin left before they went to bed.

"I have shchool tomorrow... Mashter do you go to shchool?" Y/n yawned as she snuggled into San's built chest, whimpering and smiling whenever the realisation of who he was hit her.

She loved being owned.

"No I don't. I will be right here when you come back, my pretty slut." San said while kissing her softly like he hadn't unleashed his sadistic likes on her.

"Why don't you go to school?" She suddenly pouted. "Then how will Mashter have a career?! You'll be poow! I dun wan poow Mashtew!" Y/n huffed brattily. She didn't really care about that, only wanting to see his response because she loved to piss off her top.

"You don’t really have a choice, sweetheart." The male gritted out. "You’re stuck with me forever. If I am living on the streets, you’re living with me."

She opened her mouth to brat but the bell rang. Rushing to the door, Y/n opened it to reveal a police officer. "Oh... hi..." The officer smiled a bit at her and asked the girl if she still needed an officer and why she had hung up when they called. "O- Oh no officer... I was just being paranoid... It wasn't anyone..." Y/n's cheeks blushed because she could see the officer was staring at her shiny bald head and eyebrows. Feeling herself getting wet as humiliation made her blush, Y/n found herself wondering what it'd feel like if he smacked her on her head. The girl's nipples got hard.

But oh... she couldn't cum!

"Okay then, be careful, Miss." He tipped her hat, nodding a little before walking off.

Y/n felt so wet. "Have a good night, officer!" A giggle left her as the man disappeared, starting to rub herself against the door up and down, running her hand against her head.

"Now, what was that?!" San deeply spoke, pushing the girl against the door, making her head hit against it embarrassingly. "Did you forget who alone can make you wet?!" The male yelled before slapping her. "You sick little exhibition loving whore! Not even you can do what you like to yourself! You're all mine! Only I can do whatever I please to your whore body!"

"Yes... You... You sir!" Y/n closed her eyes and held her hands above her head, lowering it for him to slap. "Please hit my head... Ugh... fuck me up... I want my head to be bruised... Ugh fuck! I am so wet... Please beat me!"

"What a disgusting little trash!" The man laughed, slapping her head this time. "You love people making fun of you, huh?"

"Yes I do! Yes I do!" She whined. "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make fun of me! Humiliate me! Hit me and bruise me! Make fun of me! Humiliate and degrade me! I want my whole college to laugh at me!" A loud cry left her.

"Let’s get you bruised up, then." San decided and started slapping the girl's tiny head and face until it was all red and sore. Y/n was crying by the time he was done, literally sobbing as she just fell on her knees and knocked out of exhaustion, her owner carrying her to the bed and then laying next to her knocked out form.

"Good night, my love." The male kissed her soft and red cheek before falling asleep too, holding her fragile body close to his, his slumber calm and satisfying today after so long.

.

Y/n stirred as she felt her pussy being invaded the next morning, making her stir as she felt lips upon her own and fingers pinching her nipples as her other boob was being groaped, her pussy expanding and sucking in a huge cock. San's huge cock. "M- Master~!" She whispered out when her eyes flew open and she was met with San's face. "W- What… s- so early?!"

"I promised you I'd wake you by fucking you every morning, didn't I, my slut?" He grinned and attacked her lips, eliciting an excited gigglish moan out of her as he started to fuck her fast and rough, pushing his balls in all the way.

“Y- Yes! Yes! F- Fuck!” Her eyes rolled to the back of her head from the realisation that he had been fucking her in her sleep before she woke up, feeling him twitch inside her. “M- Master! I- I… c- cum…” Y/n tried to speak, her back arching from the pleasure of him biting on her nipples before smacking her bald head softly.

“Little breeding whores don’t get to cum, baby. They just take cock and let Master use them like the cum rags that they are.” San’s cock slammed in and out of her pussy, his hand gripping her neck for support when she clenched around him. “Fuck! So tight!”

Tears welled up in her eyes as her face got red from how rough his thrusts were, how much her clit was burning for stimulation, how much her ovaries hurt to cum. “Look at this hairless little whore! Unable to even breathe without my permission let alone cum!” He spat in her mouth before turning her around and pushing up her ass, chuckling when she whined out.

“Sorry, slut. Little whores don’t get what they want around here and only please Master as they are supposed to.” Grabbing a sharpie, San started writing on her head whilst choking her with one hand, pounding her harder and harder up her ass. “Hurry up and please your Master well so we can go to an important place before you go to school.”

‘I am a bald little nasty slut. Please hit my head. I love it.’ Was written on the back of her head as the man laughed, deciding to not tell her what he’d done just yet, waiting for her to find out later when the people on campus would be warming that cueball up.

.

Y/n was whimpering as San waved at her and she shakily walked inside her college with a bald head, wearing nothing inside her skirt as she sneakily pushed the slipping ass plug back inside her cum filled ass. Lowering her bald head now that she was outside and people were staring at her new look, the girl gulped and felt herself squeezing her legs when some girl giggled at her.

Fuck… She couldn’t help but bite her lip, loving the humiliation as her cheeks felt hot.

Master had gotten her pussy, septum and nipples pierced before walking her to college. He was going to buy a special leash for that that was going to be passed through all her piercings to ensure she was in his control at all times.

Her train of thoughts was broken when a smack landed on her head by a guy passing by before he chuckled at her shocked expression. Before the girl could question him, she received a text by San. A picture message. Of what was written on the back of her head.

Widening her eyes, Y/n gasped and her hand automatically grazed against her head. No wonder the piercing lady had lightly smacked it before Master and she had laughed at the girl. “N- No… you didn’t…” She whispered in shock before one of her ‘friends’ smacked her head, making it jerk forwards.

“Cute look, Y/n.” Before she walked off to class, the people passing by gave her looks and talked about her.

Fuck… She squeezed her thighs in utter humiliation as the wind blew, making her desperately try to keep her skirt down as wetness trickled down her thigh. The girl wasn’t allowed to touch herself and not cumming was one of the rules now upon Master’s order and her foolish confession. She had a whole day to last before getting home and begging him to let her earn it.

Her ass stuffed, body owned, everyone silently chuckling at her humiliating look and getting smacks to the head like that wasn’t going to help.

“Oh, Master…” She whined to herself in despair. “What have you done?”

.

[rowyn-writes]

Mending A Broken Heart (Jared x Reader)

Warnings: SMUT, breeding kink, unprotected sex, (wrap it before you tap it, kids,) oral sex, female receiving, slight praise kink, angst, mentions of miscarriage, mentions of non-con, mentions of cheating, reader has PCOS, fluff, strong language.

Pairings: Jared x Reader

Characters: Jared, Jensen, Danneel, JJ Ackles, Misha (mentioned only)

Word count: 3.7k

Summary: You get a call from you older sister, Danneel, saying that she is in labor. When you arrive, your first niece is being born. You call your soon to be husband to inform him of JJ's birth, only to have a woman answer his phone.

You were on a mission.

You walked with purpose through the hallways of the hospital, not even stopping when a nurse asked if you needed help. You were Y/N Graul. You didn't need help to find your sisters freaking room.

"Ackles." You said, approaching two men. "Padalecki. How's my sister?" Just as the words left your mouth, you heard an ear piercing scream. "That answers that question." You pushed past them and into Danneel's delivery room.

"Ma'am, you can't be in here!" The doctor ordered.

"She's my sister." Danneel waved her off. "She can be here." The mother to be let out another groan of pain. You grabbed her hand, letting Danneel use it to relieve some of her pain. You winced slightly. Your sister had a strong grip.

You didn't understand how women could all over the world could go through this pain. Especially those without epidurals. 

"I want Jensen!" She cried.

You nodded, quickly making your way out into the hall. "Ackles! Get your ass in here!" Jensen gave Jared a scared look before following you inside.

"I'm here, sweetheart." He assured her as he took your place. You hid your smile at brother-in-law's kindness. You and Jensen never got along, mostly because you were so alike. You were both hard headed, but you had a big heart. You'd never say, but you secretly liked him.

"C'mon, Dannie," You encouraged, coming on the other side of her. "You've got this. Push!"

Danneel yelled once more, gripping both of your hands and she tried to push. "No! No, no, no. I can't do this!" She whined.

"You can and you will!" You demanded. "You are Danneel Ackles, you are a badass, powerful woman and you will be a great mother! All you have to do is push!"

"Easier said that done!" Danneel barked, her  auburn hair sticking to her forehead with sweat.

"We're almost there, Mrs. Ackles! One more push!" And with one last scream, and one last push, Danneel fell back on the bed, panting heavily. There was a small cry that pierced through the room, which caused the three adults to look over at the doctor.

"Congratulations," She smiled softly. "You just gave birth to a healthy baby girl."

Danneel and Jensen shared wide smiles as their newborn baby girl was set into their arms. "She's beautiful." Jensen whispered. "She has your eyes."

"She has your nose." Danneel looked over at you, her eyes filled with joy. "Y/N, can you give us a minute?"

"Of course, Dannie." You kissed her forehead. "I'm so happy for you."

You exited the room, only to find Jared pacing back and forth. "How are they? Danneel stopped screaming. Is she okay?" He asked, worry written across his face.

"They're okay. Better than okay, actually. Danneel just became a mother to a beautiful baby girl." You beamed proudly.

Jared let out a relieved laugh as he surged forward to hug you. You stood stiffly in his hold, unsure of what to do. You weren't used to physical affection, as your boyfriend rarely held you anymore. The last time you had been this close to Jared was at Jensen and Danneel's wedding when you both walked down the aisle together.

You slowly wrapped your arms around him, patting his back awkwardly. "Sorry," He apologized sheepishly. "I'm a hugger."

"So I've noticed." You said, stepping away. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some exciting news to share with my family."

You found an empty hallway and began to call every family member you could think of. Gino was first, obviously. You knew how excited he was when he found out Danneel was pregnant. Your parents were next, and then your cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

You cringed as you looked at the last name on your contacts. Will.

You hadn't been on very good terms as of late. The two of you had been fighting constantly, especially after you found out Danneel was pregnant. You were beyond happy for her and Jensen; they were finally starting the family they had always dreamed about.

Fuck it. You might as well get it over with. It rang three times before it was finally answered. "Hello?" An unfamiliar female voice said.

"Uh, who is this?" You questioned, starting to get defensive. It was four o'clock in the morning in Vermont.

"Lacy," She answered simply.

"And what are you doing with my fiance's phone, Lacy?"

"Who is it, babe?" You heard Will in the background.

"It's your fiance, William. The one that I didn't know you had!" Lacy screamed. "You asshole! I can't believe you cheated! And I can't believe you dragged me into it! We're done!" You felt your throat close up, your eyes began to well up with tears.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. You kept repeating to yourself. This was the happiest day of Jensen and Danneel's life, you couldn't bring them down.

"Y/N, baby, this really isn't what it sounds like." Will claimed after Lacy threw his phone at him. 

"No, Will, I think it's exactly what it sounds like." You whispered harshly. "You cheated. After three years, you cheated on me."

"Well you didn't give me much of a choice, did you?" He growled.

"Excuse me?"

"You haven't let me touch you in almost eight months. What else was I supposed to do? I have needs, Y/N."

"You know why we haven't done anything!" You hissed, tears running down your face. "You know exactly why!"

"Can't you just get over it! God, Y/N, we could always try again!" He yelled.

"Get over it? Get over it?! I lost my baby and you just want me to get over it! I can't just forget about it, Will. I should be having  my baby - our baby - in five weeks. July ninth."

"You know what I mean, Y/N. Of course I don't want you to forget about the baby, but we could always try again! It wasn't the end of the world!"

"Yes, it was, Will! You know how hard it is for me to get pregnant ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS-"

"It always comes back to that! 'Sorry, I can't have sex with you today because I feel bloated,' or 'Sorry I'm acting so down, my depression is bad today.' You use PCOS as an excuse to everything!"

You stayed silent for a moment, trying to calm yourself. "It was never going to work, was it?" You said quietly. "We both want kids, but I can't give you that. I can't give you a lot of things, apparently. When I come back, I want you out of my house. I'm going to be staying with Danneel and Jensen for a while. They're going to need some help with the new baby. It's a girl, just in case you were wondering." You hung up the phone, taking in a shaky breath.

"Son of a bitch!" You wailed as you threw your phone against the wall. You slowly slid to the floor, putting your head in your hands. You tried to quiet your sobs by biting your lip, which only caused your mouth to be filled with a metallic liquid.

Get it together, Y/N. You wiped the tears off your face, trying to calm yourself down. You couldn't believe this was happening. Your sister, your best friend, just gave birth to a healthy daughter. You should be celebrating, not crying over your crappy fiance. Ex fiance. 

You picked yourself off the floor, grabbing your phone as you did so. Of course it was shattered. You quickly went to the bathroom, your puffy face startling you. You splashed cold water on your face, which got rid of it for the most part.

You made your way back to Danneel's room, where the atmosphere was happy and joyful. Something that made your mood lighten just a fraction. "Hey Mama! How are you?"

"Doped up on pain meds," She grinned. "Having a baby really hurts. I knew it would hurt, I mean, I've seen the videos, but damn, that was awful." You laughed as you brushed her hair back.

"What's her name?"

"Justice Jay Ackles." Jensen answered, bringing your niece forward. "JJ for short. Do you want to hold her?"

You nodded eagerly as JJ was set into your arms. She began to fuss a little, reaching out for her father. "Shh, shh." You cooed. "It's okay, sweet JJ. I'm your Auntie Y/N/N. You'll get to meet the others soon enough. They're going to love you, just like your mommy and daddy love you. You are going to have a whole village looking after you, did you know that? Yeah, you have me, your uncle Gino, that's mommy's brother. Then you have your uncle Josh and Aunt Mack, that's your daddy's siblings. Then of course you have Uncle Jared and Misha. Those are daddy's best friends."

Jared and Jensen smiled at you. You were already so in love with JJ. "Danneel's knocked out." Jensen whispered. "The nurse wants to take JJ up to the nursery while she sleeps." You nodded as you handed over the baby. "Alright, I'm gonna go get us some food. You guys want anything?"

"No, I'm good." You shook your head.

"Same." Jared agreed.

And with that, Jensen left you and Jared alone with a sleeping Danneel. You grabbed your phone out of your back pocket and tried to turn it on. Just your luck, the screen stayed black. That's what you get for throwing your phone at the wall.

"What in the hell happened to your phone, Y/N?" Jared questioned.

"It fell out of my pocket." You lied. "I guess I'll have to buy and new one."

"Damn, that sucks." He frowned. You gave a small shrug, not saying much of anything. "Are you okay, Y/N? You don't seem like yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, normally you like to take jabs at me and Jensen. Hell, the only one you really like is Misha. Plus, ever since you came back in the room, you've been frowning and your eyes are still puffy from where I know you've been crying." You felt your heart sink to your stomach. "I know you don't like me very much, or Jensen, for that matter, but we do care. What's wrong?"

You stayed silent for a moment, trying to sort out your words. "I can't say it here. Follow me."

You grabbed Jared by the hand and led him to where the nursery is. You needed something happy to cheer you up.

"Let me start this by saying that I don't hate you or Jensen." You didn't take your eyes off the adorable babies, but your hand was still brushing up against his. "I have known you both for a while now, and I care about you guys. Making jabs and snarky comments is how I show that I care." You could see Jared smiling out of the corner of your eye.

"I called Will this morning to tell him that Danneel had the baby." You saw Jared's smile fade slightly. "A woman answered his phone, and usually I wouldn't think anything of it. I would make an excuse that it's his secretary or assistant, but it was four a.m in Vermont when I called. Her name was Lacy." Your voice cracked.  "And it's my fault!"

"Y/N, it's not your fault-"

"But it is, Jare," You whispered. "It is. I pushed him away for months. Do you know how long it's been? Eight months. It's been eight months, Jared. And Will 'has needs.'"

"That's the dumbest excuse ever." He mumbled.

"This next part. . . I haven't told anyone but Will. Not Danneel, not Gino, not my parents, anyone. So you have to promise not to tell anyone. I'll tell my family once I'm ready, but for now, they don't need to know."

Jared's frown deepened. "I won't say anything, Y/N, I promise. Are you okay?"

"No," You shook your head. "I haven't been okay for a while now." You took a deep breath before continuing. "Last year I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome – PCOS for short."

"Yeah, I've heard of it." Jared said softly, his eyes filled with pity.

"Will and I had been trying so hard for a baby. And when we found out I had PCOS, we stopped. And I was heartbroken. I've wanted to start a family for so long, and to get that news hurt me. And it hurt Will." You felt your hands start to shake.

"One night after I had one too many drinks, I passed out on the couch, and I woke up the next morning in my bed with all my clothes off and Will lying in my bed beside me. I don't know what happened that night, but I know I didn't want it. And four weeks later I found out I was pregnant." Jared's jaw clenched and his eyes held something malicious.

"I didn't care how it happened. I know I should have, but I was just so excited to have a baby. To be a mother. And then when I went to my OBGYN, she told me I had. . . I had a miscarriage."

"Oh, Y/N," Jared said sadly, resting his hand on your shoulder.

"I lost my baby. And I don't know what to do with myself, Jare." You cried. "W-what am I supposed to do?"

You were shaking uncontrollably now, unable to calm down. "That m-might have been my only chance!" Jared swallowed hard as he brought you in for a hug. "I want my baby!" You wailed.

"I know," He whispered as he gripped you tight. "I know, honey. I am so sorry. This is so unfair to you. You deserve so much better than this."

"What if it was my last chance?" You sniffed.

"It wasn't," He assured you as he rocked you back and forth. "There are fertilization treatments, surrogacy, adoption. . . You'll be a mother one day, Y/N, and you'll be the best mother a child could ever ask for."

"Really?" You asked in a small voice, looking up at the tall man. He smiled as he brushed back a piece of your hair and wiped away your tears.

"Really."

You felt your heart beating out of your chest and your breaths quickening. "Jared,"

"Yeah?"

"Kiss me."

He didn't have to be told twice as he leaned down to kiss your lips. He cupped your face with both of his hands, bringing you closer to him. "Mm," He moaned, pulling away. "Not in front of the babies. They're too young to be scarred this way." You laughed as he dragged you away to a bathroom, making sure no one was in there before locking the door.

Jared grabbed you by the waist and gently pushed you against the wall. He wasted no time as he pressed his lips against yours once more. His tongue slid across your lower lip, asking for permission to enter, which you happily granted.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, trying to pull him closer. Jared put his hand on the back of your thigh, encouraging you to jump. You got the memo as you lifted yourself up, wrapping your legs around his waist. He moved and set you down on the counter.

"Do you want to keep going?" Jared asked, breathless.

"Yes," You nodded, your face flushed. "Please, Jare." He groaned at the nickname.

"I love it when you call me that." He said as he ran kisses down your jaw and to your neck.

SMUT UNDER THE CUT

"And I. . . Love it when. . . You kiss my neck like that." You panted as you began to unbutton Jared's shirt. You ran your hands across his abs and looped your fingers around his belt buckle.

"You are far too overdressed." Jared complained as he tugged at the hem of your shirt.

"Why don't you fix that for me?" You smirked. There was a mischievous sparkle in his eyes as he pulled your shirt off your body.

You covered your stomach as you suddenly felt shy when Jared's eyes raked over your body. He frowned as he pulled your arms away. "Why are you hiding from me?"

"I- I dunno. It's just. . . All the girls you've been with in the past like Gen and Sandra are so beautiful and I look nothing like them -"

"Let me stop you right there," Jared said sternly. "You are gorgeous and incredibly sexy. Don't you dare compare yourself to them, because they could never be as beautiful as you. Don't let any asshole tell you otherwise. Do you understand?" You nodded slowly, fighting off the smile that crept onto your face. "Good, now let's pick up where we left off, shall we?"

Jared pulled down your jeans and tossed them aside, along with your panties. He looked at you like he hadn't eaten in days and you were a four course meal.

He began to trail kisses up your thighs, getting so close to where you wanted him to be only for him to pull away. "Quite being such a tease!" You growled.

Jared have you a smirk. "Yes ma'am." And with that he pulled you forward slightly so you were sitting on the edge of the counter. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion before a wave of euphoria hit as you felt Jared's tongue on your clit.

"Oh-" You moaned, only for Jared to cover your mouth with his hand.

"Shh, you wouldn't want anyone to hear, would you?" He questioned. You shook your head, desperate for him to return to where he was. "Be a good girl for me and stay quiet." His kissed you on the mouth before going back to eating you out. You bit your lip in attempts to silence your moans.

"Fuck," You whispered as you leaned your head back. Jared began to tease your hole with his tongue, making you gasp and grab onto his long locks.

You felt warmth spread through your stomach and a familiar coil began to tighten. "Oh, god, Jare, please keep going!" You encouraged him. "I'm so close."

At those words, Jared pulled away abruptly, making you want to cry out. "Sorry babygirl, you can only come when I say you can."

You frowned at his words. "Don't worry, I'll make sure you enjoy it." He winked. Jared began to unbuckle his belt; you could see his growing erection through his jeans. "I don't have a condom." He said defeated. "Are you clean?"

You nodded. "What about you?"

"Yeah, I'm all good." He assured you.

"Then we should be fine, it's not like I can get pregnant anyways."

"You never know." Jared said as he nipped at your neck. As he left love bites on your neck, you began to pull down his jeans, revealing his hardon. You pushed yourself off the counter and got on your knees, only for Jared to pull you back up.

"Not this time, kitten. This is about you, not me."

"But I want to make you feel good." You protested.

"Next time, baby." You smiled at the thought of a next time. He quickly turned you around so you were bent over the counter. "You're so wet." He growled as he grinded against you. "All this for me?"

"Yes, Jare. Only for you." You panted, desperate for his cock.

"Good," He murmured against your neck. "I've been waiting a while for this to happen, there is no way I'm letting it go to waste. Do you still want this?" He questioned, wanting to make sure you were still comfortable with it.

"If you stopped now I might have to kill you." Jared slowly pushed into you, as he didn't want to hurt you. You gasped in surprise; you had never been with someone as big as him. He gave you time to adjust to his size. "Move." You pleaded.

Jared chuckled as he slowly began to thrust into you. He grunted at the feeling of your warmth. "Fuck, Y/N." He moaned. "You're so fucking tight."

He began to pick up speed, which earned a moan from you. Jared put his hand over your mouth to silence your sounds, but you could still hear you skin slapping together.

"Oh, fuck." He growled. "I'm gonna cum. Gonna fill you with my seed, make you all round. God, you'd look so fucking sexy carrying my baby." Your eyes rolled into the back of your head at his words, causing your walls to clench around his dick. "Would you like that, huh? Being so full of my cum that it runs down you legs."

"Oh, fuck yes." You nodded. "Please, Jared, fill me with your cum. Make me carry your child." You begged.

Jared gripped your hips tightly, (definitely leaving bruises) as he rammed into you. You struggled to keep quiet, as all you wanted to do was scream from pleasure. "You're going to look so good filled with my cum." He purred.

"Let me cum with you." You whined, the coil in your stomach was ready to snap.

"I'm so close." He grunted, sweat dotting his brow. "Cum with me, babygirl. Cum." He demanded.

You shuttered as your coil finally snapped and you rode out your orgasm on Jared's dick. He followed soon after you, blowing his load into your womb.

"Holy shit," You muttered. "That was so fucking hot."

"You're telling me." Jared said as he slowly pulled out, making you feel empty. You began to clean yourself up and put your clothes back on.

You both looked a mess; swollen lips, messy hair and to top it all of, hickeys scattered your neck. You reached up on your tip toes to flatten Jared's hair. "At least our hair covers the bruises." You grinned.

"So, what happens next?" Jared questioned.

"I guess that's up to you." You shrugged. "We can either go on a date and see how this plays out, or we can forget this ever happened."

"I don't want to forget." He shook his head. "I don't think I could forget."

"Good," You smiled. "I was hoping you would say that." Jared grinned as he leaned down to kiss you once more.

"I have a really good feeling about this."