#part of fixing thing is doing some volume eating of low-cal things like lots of veggies and things to just wean myself off.

[moxley]

first of all good afternoon. today we're being grown up and admitting we are bumpily recovering from an eating disorder instead of calling it "disordered eating" and hoping that gets me away from the issue.

second of all. recovering from an eating disorder is sooo rough when you catch yourself in the act ... sweating my eyeballs off googling "low calorie cookie recipes" before realising that if i'm going to binge it doesn't matter if the cookies are 10 calories apiece if i'm trying to eat the whole batch of them.

the problem isn't that cookies are high calorie. the problem is eating the whole batch.

[elliemarchetti]

Holiday Inconveniences (part 4)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Other Marecal fics:

Red Queen Soulmate AU part 1 and part 5 ( but I suggest to also read the other three because Fade is one of the most beautiful ships in the Red Queen saga) 

A Wonderful Mistake (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6) (part 7)

The Scam (part 2)

The Epilogue

Words: 2228

Cal loaded her last bag on the car’s back seat and snorted as he tried to fix it better. Mare, although she tried to maintain a composed façade, hadn’t yet recovered from the shock of seeing her history professor’s nephew, her one night stand, on a shiny and expensive car that, if it wasn’t for the thin veil of snow on the roof, could’ve been straight out of the car wash, enter her campus’ parking lot at the exact same time as the meeting between her and the one who was supposed to give her a ride has been set.  At first she thought it was a coincidence, that he had gone there to get something for his uncle, but instead he had approached right in front of her, and after a moment of initial perplexity, and the verification that it was she who had to go to North Utica, he had begun to talk about his hometown, which wasn’t far away, stopping just to catch his breath. Mare wondered how he could be so awake so early, since it wasn’t yet dawn, and so cheerful given the cold, but she didn’t pose her questions aloud, merely nodding when he asked her if she was sure she had everything.

“Thank God!” he exclaimed.

“You really are a pussy.” she teased him, sitting in the passenger seat. If in the beginning the fact that her driver was Cal had led her to believe that she would’ve felt embarrassed, at that moment she realized that their chemistry hadn’t fade out even when the previous evening he had taken her home, so there was no chance for it to happen now. Moreover, they had already been trapped together in a narrow space for a long period of time, so it couldn’t be that bad.

“You told me you were from Chicago, not North Utica.” he remarked, when they were both sitting in the warm cabin.

“Nobody knows where North Utica is, so Chicago seemed like the best place to give you an idea.” she replied, taking off her gloves. She put her hands in front of the air vent, but the truth was she couldn’t wait to do so in front of the fireplace, squeezed between her siblings, trying to take the best place to stay warm in the old house. Cal curbed sharply, tearing her out of her dream of marshmallows dipped in hot chocolate and classic rock.

“Sorry” he muttered.

“If you didn’t drive like a madman there would be no need to brake so abruptly.” she replied, getting comfortable again.

"I want to go as far as possible before this afternoon.” he explained. “There’s a snow alert at two o’clock and

The only thing worse than driving in the snow is getting stranded in the snow.”

Mare rolled her eyes. She had always loved snow when she didn’t have to move, although she had never practiced any sport, unlike her brothers, and it was only her fault that she could no longer do it because she had decided to go to study so far from home, yet she wanted to curse the world and for once not blame herself for her misfortunes. They talked about their families for most of the first part of the journey, when the city, white for the snow, could still be seen behind them, and about Shade, that would soon become a father.

"It seems unbelievable that he’s about to become a father. He’s my youngest brother, even though he’s still a little older than me. I imagined that Bree would be the first, being the oldest, but isn’t it always like this? You think things could go one way and then they go differently but family faces everything together and things go for the best.”

Cal didn’t seem very convinced, especially of the last statement, but Mare decided not to investigate: he lived with his uncle and had never mentioned his parents, only his friends and, remaining very vague, a younger half-brother he loved but from which he was very different, although he hadn’t specified how. She imagined that his parents were no longer together, that they had divorced due to some rich diatribes and his father had married another woman, maybe a younger lover, and in the long silence that followed, Mare wondered what her life would’ve been if in her family they hadn’t been so attached to each other, if they hadn’t always been so supportive. Perhaps she would find herself alone as Diana, Shade’s girlfriend. Mama had told her when she called to give her the news that her father hadn’t taken her decision to keep the baby very well and threatened to stop paying her tuition if she didn’t abort. Mare had no longer asked how the matter had been resolved, too absorbed in her own problems and certain that, now that the girl had joined the family, her parents would take care of her, as if she were their daughter. She hoped Shade wouldn’t drop out of school just to be able to take care of his family alone because, although he had a gusty start, he was doing really well and he had chosen a specialization in quantum mechanics, a subject that would allow him not only to enter the best development and research centers but also to earn a good salary, even if Mare still had difficulty imagining him sitting behind a desk all day. From what she could see, Cal also studied mechanics, but she couldn’t decide whether or not it was a good idea to keep talking about her family, even though he and Shade seemed to have a common interest, so she gave up, choosing a radio station with only rock classics. She was browsing through a magazine, her mind elsewhere, when the first snowflakes began to fall. It wasn’t even close to lunchtime, and Cal seemed deeply disturbed by it, so Mare didn’t tell him that she was starting to get hungry or asked him if they could stop to pee when she began to feel the need, until it was her body that betrayed her and her stomach rumbled so hard that it exceeded the volume of the song.

"There is a steakhouse a few miles further on.” he said, without taking his eyes off the road. When they arrived and Cal turned off the engine after so many hours, Mare couldn’t wait to get out, all stiff. He stretched, leaned forward and stood up.

“Sitting for so long isn’t good. I don’t know how anyone who works in office does.” he commented.

“Given what you’re studying, you’ll also spend a lot of time sitting.” she replied as they walked toward the entrance. The snowflakes stopped on Cal’s black coat and on his hair, giving him an almost fairy-like appearance.

“I don’t want to deal only with the technical part.” he explained, opening the door like a true gentleman. The warm air came to her like a breath of wind that tasted like home, even though in the Barrow kitchen her mother would never have prepared chicken wings and onion rings. Not that the rest of the family would’ve scorned, perhaps with Tramy’s exception, since he was a personal trainer. The rest of the place was nice, although the low ceiling was a bit stuffy: colored Christmas lights had been placed in every available point, even inside small glass vases placed in the center of each table, whose wooden benches were battered by overuse. Even the carpet was worn but clean, and Mare could imagine the place full of children who ate, laughed and chased each other, friends only for the time of that break. It was clear that this was no longer the case, but the staff was still welcoming and quickly seated them. They ordered a bottle of water and a cherry Coke and both looked absorbed at the snow that accumulated on the roof of the car and on the mirrors as they drank. If she hadn’t been in such a hurry, she would’ve suggested to wait for the weather to get better, but the road conditions weren’t yet critical and they could’ve stopped later if it was necessary. Though she couldn’t figure out why he was coming back to his hometown - did his family live there or he returned for his friends? - Cal also seemed to be in a hurry too and his mood was generally more bleak as they approached the destination.

“Are you ready to order?” asked a dainty girl with blue hair. According to the plaque on her chest, her name was Ella. Cal took the soup of the day, while Mare chose baked garlic bread with cheese and fried chicken strips with Greek salad as the side.

“Why you eat so light?” asked Mare, inquisitorial.

“First of all, there is nothing light in this soup and second, a series of rich lunches and dinners is waiting for me, so I don’t want to bloat myself.” he replied, always vague. She didn’t like that he kept all those secrets about his family, but after all she had to remember that he was taking her home not because of what had happened between them but for a favor he was doing to her mother, something that intrigued her incredibly and about which she had to bite her tongue to refrain from asking further questions. Fortunately, Cal decided to fill the silence with some high school memories and Mare was grateful to be able to contribute to the conversation by talking about a time when things between her and Kilorn weren’t yet so embarrassing. Thinking of it, she too had a pending issue at home that she had tried to postpose for as long as possible. Surely what happened with Cal and what she felt in his presence didn’t help to untangle the mess her feelings were. Of course, in its own way, that indecision was already an adequate answer: she didn’t feel like Kilorn, who would’ve put her before anything, although she profoundly loved him. However, to want to analyze it from that point of view, she also loved her family but this didn’t meant she would be engaged to one of her brothers! So it was probably this that she felt for Kilorn, only a brotherly love, the same love that one feels for someone to whom you wish well. And yet, somehow, making that decision while sitting there with Cal, tasting his soup and discussing which desserts on display was the most good looking one, didn’t seem right: Kilorn’s memory hadn’t disappeared, she could never forget him, but it was tarnished, clouded by a film of sadness and embarrassment, by distance and silence, things she had never felt with Cal.

“I have brownies without ice cream.” Cal ordered when the waitress arrived.

“And for me a cheesecake.” added Mare.

“You’re so incredibly American.” he teased her.

“And you so English!” she replied. “Are you sure you really were born and raised here?”

“Very sure!” he exclaimed, his attention drawn by the pecan pie the waitress was taking to a couple a couple of table away. Probably the two boys must have asked to be able to divide it because on the tray there were two long silver spoons. For no particular reason, the idea that she and Cal could’ve been mistaken for a couple made her blush, and she waited in silence for her order to arrive, wondering if he had felt the same. They ate a little hastily and when it came time to pay, Cal insisted on taking care of the bill. After a brief stop in the bathroom, they set off again, with the snow that formed a white curtain through which it was difficult to see. It was obvious that Cal was struggling to keep the road despite the snow tires and chains, but he tried to stay calm for a few dozen more miles, when they found themselves forced to pull over. All around everything was white and the road, whose width could only be guessed thanks to the guard rails, was deserted. Neither of them wanted to admit it, but going on was almost impossible and the situation showed no signs of improving, so Mare searched silently for the nearest motel. Excluding the first suggestion, which seemed a shady place, the second was a small family-run B&B less than five miles after the next exit. The photos on the site showed a large fireplace in the dining room, a table set for breakfast with food that made her mouth water despite having just eaten and rooms with wooden furniture, with large beds with blankets that were extremely reminiscent of the ones in her room at home. All in all it looked welcoming and the hosts, a couple in their fifties, looked nice, so Mare showed it to Cal, with the premise that they would leave the next morning, if the situation had improved even a little.

“I miss my family too but I want to get there alive and not crash because I behaved like an impatient and temperamental child.” she said, the phone still between them, eyes harder than she wanted.

"All right.” he agreed. “But if they have a room, I have to make a phone call and it won’t be pleasant.”

[myquirkylife]

The black and white of dieting is fairly simple: eat less, move more, calories in, calories out. Be consistent and watch yourself transform. Right? Well, generally speaking, yes. But unfortunately, not always. Just like life, dieting is not always so black and white.

Perhaps you know someone that despite training hard, eating at a deficit with properly balanced macronutrients/micronutrients and recovering appropriately, they just can’t seem to lose weight? More often than not, factors at fault include:

“Ghost Bites” – aka those bites of your coworkers dessert, those mindless bites while you prepared your meal, those random bites of various snacks at work, those unmeasured spoonfuls of peanut butter, always eating out and guesstimating, etc. They all add up!

Not Actually in a Deficit – They may not be burning as much as they think they are in their training, therefore, not being in a true caloric deficit (more on this later). Or, eating more than they think they are in comparison to their output. Yes, it is true, sometimes in dieting, to get to a specific goal, you have to be in a lower deficit than you think you need to be in. Harsh truth.

Other than the above factors, there are some that fall in the grey area of dieting. Perhaps you’ve heard folks say, “I can’t lose weight because I have a slow metabolism”? Hell, I’VE said that (thanks, thyroid)! People can have slow metabolisms (soooo many factors that contribute to this), but the most important tidbit of information to take away from this post is: a slow metabolism is NOT a life sentence that you are doomed with forever (or to use as an excuse). There ARE ways to remedy this.

But it takes work. By tracking your intake, you are in control of the calories-in – which is extremely important if you have specific goals. Controlling the calories-out, aside from exercise, is more so dependent on your biology, which is where things can get tricky. The human body is extremely complex, and it is your metabolism (a mega machine of organ function, hormones, energy, etc) that dictates the amount of energy your body outputs in a day.

The thing with the human body is that it is extremely durable and will adapt to extreme circumstances when necessary. Some bodies do this quicker than others (hi). So if you’ve been eating really low calories for a long time, even when combined with hard, diligent training, and you’re still not losing weight, chances are that your metabolism adapted to its current state. No, this is NOT starvation mode. Most people, thankfully, won’t ever experience true starvation. What this means is, your body adapted to its current intake as its “maintenance,” so even though you’re technically not eating much, your body doesn’t think it’s in a caloric deficit, it thinks it is maintaining.

So, how can this be fixed? Reverse dieting! Or, simply getting back to (or figuring out) your true maintenance numbers (macros to eat to maintain weight). This is done so that your body can slowly adapt to eating at higher calories, with minimal weight gain while also increasing your metabolic capacity.

Some argue that there is no need to to do this slowly and you can simply go back to eating at maintenance in a 2-3 week window after a cutting phase (Lyle McDonald, PhD), while others argue that this should be done slowly in a 10 week (or more) window to minimize fat gain and give your metabolism time to adjust (Alan Aragon, Avatar Nutrition, in3 Nutrition, Layne Norton, PhD, Sohee Lee). In my humble opinion, if you’ve been cutting for a long time, slowly increasing your food intake can also help you mentally. Big increases in food in a small time frame can easily lead to binging.

So…all this may sound familiar coming from me, right? Well, that is because I have covered this topic before in The Dark Side of Reverse Dieting. Read that post where I go over my personal experience with reverse dieting (at that point) and the parts of reverse dieting that people don’t like to talk about. Folks love to focus on the group of folks that respond extremely well to reverse dieting such as weight loss and can get their macros upwards of 400g of carbs without gaining but that is not as common as you think.

Okay, so now you’re probably asking, “Well Jo, why are you bringing up reverse dieting yet again?” Sigh.

HERE’S THE DEAL

To put it into perspective, I wrote that post in July 2017 and it is now toward end of April 2018. I was in the middle of a reverse diet that I had began in March 2017. Which, five months in was a record for me! As mentioned in that post, I was notorious for starting a reverse, and at any sign of gain, I’d jump back into a cut. And very recently, I was reverse dieting…again. WHAT?!

So, what had happened was…we had a trip to Costa Rica planned for November 2017 and I did not want to go looking/feeling fluffy (can you blame me?). I was advised against going into a cut just yet, that I should give my reverse more time, then go into maintenance for a bit, and THEN cut. Well, vanity and impatience got the best of me and I compromised on doing a “mini cut” right before the trip. I was warned that cutting a reverse short and diving straight into a cut is not a great idea, but that if I’m to do it, that I should stick to the reverse up until October 2017, then for the month of October, do a somewhat aggressive cut (shock the body in a sense), then get back to a reverse when I return. Well, things did NOT go as planned whatsoever because my body is a difficult bitch (hence why I am writing this long ass post about metabolic adaptation).

Basically, the aggressive mini cut did NOTHING for me. I went from eating about 2200 cals to pretty much 1500 cals (without change in training volume) in a span of about three weeks with no change on the scale or body. The frustrating parts were:

Reverse diet that I spent 6 months on, turned out to be a waste because I was back to eating what I was eating pre reverse diet (perhaps even less) AND at a higher weight than when I began reverse because I’m one of the lucky ones that has some fat gain during a reverse (Note: sarcasm – there should be a sarcasm font)

I was compliant 95% of the time during the reverse and 99% compliant during the cut, so it’s not like I was going YOLO style and overeating

I was diligently training hard in weightlifting throughout

What was done, was done. There I was, right before Costa Rica vacation feeling like…

But I got to thinking…I should NOT be stressing about this during my vacation. I had never been to Costa Rica, it was my first international trip with Migs, and I had spent months planning it. I was determined to turn my shit around and have an amazing time. I planned to mindfully eat but not track my food.

This is just a glimpse at the adventures we had on our 10-day trip living that pura vida:

The trip was phenomenal. We laughed, we ate, we drank, we swam, we did adventure. I couldn’t have asked for a better trip. It took a lot of willpower to not think about what I looked like in this bikini or in those shorts or that dress, but I did it well enough and remained in the moment. Pura vida.

Back to Reality

In my last blog post, I went over exactly what took place upon our return from Costa Rica. Rest in forever peace, my sweet Abuelita.

In that last post, I definitely focused on my training and those lifetime PRs that did make me ever so happy! There’s one major plus from truly fueling my body – getting stronger!

What I didn’t focus on in that post was nutrition and my body, well, because I knew it would take some explaining and it needed its own post to do so.

Anyway, so upon getting back, feeling as discouraged as ever (on top of the emotional roller coaster I was on), I basically just went back to the calories I left off of on my cut and mindlessly stayed there for some weeks until January came around and I stumbled on AHub Nutrition‘s Ashleigh Hubbard on Instagram…and was intrigued. I lurked on her for a while on Instagram from afar. I’d click through and see what her clients were sharing, what she shared, her methods – basically, went down a rabbit hole.

Although I felt Avatar did serve me well, my body just does not always respond as typically as most bodies do and feel it requires more patience than the algorithm allows. It responded well to the reverse overall, but the cut method, not so much, which I know is partially my fault for going from reverse to a cut so quickly. For someone who has a fairly responsive body, I feel Avatar is a great, affordable alternative. But ultimately, it does only base your weekly macro tweaks on your weigh ins (weight + body fat measurement + compliance, and for women, menstruation) without any other factors considered. I figured the time may have come for me to take on a coach again. Someone that can take into consideration not only the weight on the scale but also take into account other measurements such as how I’m feeling, whether I dropped the kids off at the pool, my stress levels, my energy, how I’m recovering, my training changes, etc. I KNOW I could do this for myself but let’s be honest, we’re not always as real with ourselves as we are with others.

What sold me on Ashleigh – because it IS a hefty price tag to take her on, I’ll be honest – is how responsive she was before I even hired her. We DM’ed for about a couple hours the night I finally reached out to her. I asked any and all questions and concerns that I had. I explained my situation, warned her my body is notoriously difficult and I let her know I did not want to go through what I went through before with a previous coach (scroll down). Responsiveness is key with me. Most importantly, don’t brush off my concerns when I have them. She reassured me of all my concerns without giving me blanket responses and added a bonus: her clients have her cell number and can text her with any questions or to just chat.

Time to get to business. Time to make a plan. And she told me what I knew was coming (but was somehow hoping not to come to this). The only way to really get me out of the hole of eating such low calories and not seeing any results was to reverse diet me…AGAIN. Ugh. I expressed my feelings about doing a reverse AGAIN, potentially gaining weight AGAIN, spending months on a reverse AGAIN when I had just spent 6 months on one. I said and asked all these questions, knowing the sad, sad answer already before she even said it. I don’t have much a choice if I want to get my body and metabolism in order. It’s either, remain eating very low calories and lowering them even more with the possibility of still not seeing any change (and have my performance suffer) or reverse diet, but this time go into a maintenance phase, and then cut. And of course, taking into consideration more than just weight on scale the whole time (biofeedback) and adjust accordingly.

Ugh, fine. So here I am. I started the reverse with Ashleigh in January and my reverse just ended a couple weeks ago. From when we started I gained about 3-4lbs – which to some, may seem like nothing. But if you think about the overly aggressive reverse (aka bulkI didn’t ask for) I was put on post op by my previous coach where I gained nearly 10lbs, then the reverse I was very recently on where I had also gained about 3-5lbs (with Avatar) – it sure adds up and IS a lot. I am now on maintenance for the month of April with a week diet (mental) break at the end of the month where I won’t track macros which is also when I’ll be out of town for work. And then, when I’m back in town…

Time to cut! I am hopeful that it will go well this time under the watchful eye of an attentive coach. Another thing I already knew before Ashleigh mentioned it, was that it is very likely that I will ultimately have to go very low in calories due to how my body has responded historically. But luckily, she said she won’t keep me so low for too long and, I don’t have trouble eating low calories when I have to. I more so get frustrated eating low calories and seeing no changes.

HAVE YOU STRUGGLED?

I’m curious to know my readers better. Aside from the common issues listed in this post, have you also struggled with any body goals? Do you feel your body is difficult to change? Did you end up finding what tweaks work for you?

xx,

Jo

The Joys of Metabolic Adaptation #flexibledieting #nutrition #health #wellness #metabolism The black and white of dieting is fairly simple: eat less, move more, calories in, calories out.