#para. › … my centerfold .

[wolfbaenes]

my centerfold | pack

when the pack had grown big enough, derek had tucked the camaro away into a storage unit.

he'd never had any real attachment to the car; it was something he'd bought between new york and beacon hills, a band-aid he'd haphazardly placed over the bleeding wound that was his missing pack. it hadn't done much of anything for him; it hadn't brought back his family, hadn't gotten rid of the smear that was kate argent, hadn't removed that sad edge to his sister's smile. if anything, he thought, it just made laura even sadder; his overcompensatory attempt at making himself seem better than he'd ever been was glaring and embarrassing. but the act of admitting that⎯of quietly turning in the camaro and getting something more reasonable, something that'd just as easily and more comfortably cart the two detached spirits that carried the legacy of the hale pack now⎯felt even worse, so he didn't.

not until scott mccall. scott and stiles and allison⎯then erica and boyd and isaac and lucy, and all of the others that poked their heads into his life after them. not until he regularly found himself picking up unlicensed high schoolers and driving them home after full moons, or chauffeuring ice cream adventures, or taking road trips at three a.m. just so that atticus could listen to that coldplay song on repeat for three hours without bothering anyone. then it didn't make sense to keep the camaro; not when his life had expanded beyond two souls⎯when so many people now carried the hale legacy, in name and blood and every other thing that mattered even more⎯and the world was too full for such a compact vehicle. so he'd gotten a storage unit to hide the camaro in and he'd bought (what scott liked to call) a soccer mom car. and he could take the teasing; as long as allison was sitting in the passenger seat, twisting around to jump into whatever story lydia and quinn were telling, and kira was nodding off against the window with liam's jacket around her shoulders, and bailey was sticking her tongue out at isaac before giggling⎯⎯he'd take all of the teasing in the world for that.

sometimes, though, he did like to pull the camaro out of hiding. it wasn't fit for what he had now, for a family, but⎯sometimes, it worked.

jude had spent the first handful of minutes of this trip looking around in awe and poking every button derek let her get away with. luxury was not familiar to her; the mayers drove a beaten down volkswagen and jude had been riding the same bike since she was eleven. ("it helps that i haven't had a growth spurt since then, either," she'd joked once.) the camaro wasn't the height of opulence, not for derek, but it was new for jude, and he allowed her to poke around with curiosity. it was rare that he got to be alone with her; partially because of the people who loved them, but partially because he went out of his way to make sure they weren't alone. but he'd told himself that he wouldn't run away this time; there were things he couldn't say in front of everyone, not yet, but he wouldn't hide them from jude. not if she needed him to say them.

after ten minutes, jude leaned back in her seat and fell into silence. it wasn't often that she did that, but derek didn't push her out of it. she'd speak eventually.

sure enough, when the hale house was less of a destination and more of a nearing landmark, jude spoke. "professor hale," she said softly. she always called him that; no matter how much derek told her she could call him by his first name, she never did. she was a lot like xochitl in that matter; small, too, like she'd wither and fall away if derek stopped looking. but he thought maybe there was a difference in that. he hummed. jude took a breath. "i've been reading over the memoir you gave me. i mean⎯⎯you know me, i'm a slow reader, so it's taking forever. but i've been reading it."

"...okay."

jude pressed her lips tight together. "is⎯you never answered me before. why did you give it to me?"

derek's hand tightened on the wheel. he didn't mean to. he'd known that jude would ask eventually; he'd been banking on it. he'd been hoping that she would figure it out herself, so that he'd never have to say the words. he still had not worked up the courage to ever say the words. but it was just the two of them here, and if he was ever going to be brave enough to admit it, then it would be now.

kind of.

"i was hoping," he said slowly, "that you'd figure that out for me."

jude stared straight ahead. out of the corner of his eye, derek saw her mouth open, saw her tongue peek out and drag across her lips. he saw her blink a few times, wet and stubborn. "did you know kate?" she asked, her voice scarily quiet. "before the fire, before⎯⎯" she blinked again, harder. "did you know her?"

from this distance, derek could hear the pack, just faintly. hardly, over jude's beating heart. "more than i wish i had," he confessed.

and he heard jude's heart break, right in his hands.

they didn't say anything else in the few minutes that passed before they pulled up to the house. he pretended not to see jude roughly wipe her hands across her face, though it hadn't been wet in the first place. when he killed the engine, the two of them sat there for a moment. "i'm sorry," jude whispered. he thought she might cry, for real this time, but she didn't. "professor."

what was the right thing to say to that? i'm not⎯well, that would be a lie. i am, too⎯and what would that do to her?

derek placed a hand over jude's wrist and squeezed. "come on. atticus takes these things very seriously."

jude smiled, tight, and sniffled.

they got out of the car. derek grabbed jude's bag out of the trunk; it'd taken more work than he'd ever expected, but they'd finally convinced jude to spend a few nights at the pack house. they'd missed the new moon by a week, so atticus was overcompensating by making the moon circle a week-long retreat of sorts, even though they would be staying at the house they already lived in. what mattered, though, was that jude would be there the entire time, just like the rest of them. and after much pleading and wheedling, jude had agreed.

derek didn't know if his admission had anything to do with that. he didn't know how to feel one way or the other.

the house was fully in motion by the time they stepped inside. the scent of hot food hit derek like a particularly delicious train and he started salivating in an instant. laughter poured out of every corner of the house as everyone put on their pajamas and grabbed their most prized stuffed animals in anticipation for the night. a fair number of them had never sat in for a moon circle before, but they'd been warned about how emotionally taxing it could be; any sort of comfort was encouraged.

coming down the stairs in a pair of his most comfortable sweats and a hoodie that derek would swear used to sit in his closet, camden grinned at the sight of them. "jude, hey! you made it!"

"as if i'd ever turn down a moment with my favorite firefighter," jude said around a grin of her own, stepping into camden's offered hug. no one mentioned that jude had, on many occasions, turned down moments with camden and the pack in general. "ooh, something smells good. who cooked?"

"the usual suspects. come on, i'll make you a plate." with his arm around jude's shoulders, camden led her towards the kitchen in search of food. if he noticed her red-rimmed eyes, then he had enough kindness and tact not to point it out.

"here, i'll take that," alicia said, taking jude's bag from derek. "i'm heading upstairs anyway. she's staying with malia, right?"

"i think so⎯thanks." derek watched as alicia took the bag upstairs to drop off, before he made his way back towards the backyard, where people were gradually trickling in.

atticus had been particular about the details for their moon circles. the fact that the timing was off already didn't sit right with her, so they warded off any meltdowns by agreeing to whatever else she wanted. they couldn't have it inside, because the living room was a space where they should always be comfortable and feel at ease. even though the moon circles would eventually bring them peace, it would also bring up a lot of bad feelings that she didn't want them to necessarily associate with their own home. the sunroom wasn't big enough for all of them, and atticus had waved away the witches' offer to make it bigger. in mid-march, it was still a little cold for everyone to be sitting outside for hours, but cass and cecelia had worked their magic to create a warm bubble that'd keep them all at just the right temperature without making them freeze or sweat. as people finished eating and ventured out of the house, they took their spots in the bubble, naturally forming a wide circle that would hold them all.

as scott rushed past him to tackle daryl into a hug⎯which the man pretended to hate, but that did nothing for the fondness in his eyes and scent⎯derek looked at his gathering pack. he loved them. he loved them so tenderly, so wholeheartedly, he could barely breathe around it. and he'd driven the camaro tonight, because it'd afforded him a private moment with jude, but he thought he'd might the right choice. he'd trade it in again, a hundred times over, just to have more space for all of them.

sipping from a thermos of steaming tea and drowning in clothes that did not belong to her at all, lydia paused, then pointed a manicured finger at him. "whose turn it is with the emotional support parents, by the way?"

"mine!" suzy declared, dropping down beside lydia. "i never get to sit next to derek and allison at these things. that's a hate crime. derek, come sit next to me."

"that's rich," danny said, leaning against theo. "especially considering you've gone on record to say that you don't need emotional support."

"record? what record? i know nothing about a record," suzy sniffed.

danny raised an eyebrow. "no? someone pull up the record, i need to make a point."

"don't you dare!" suzy glared and pointed a finger at him. "lesbophobe. i know what you are."

danny grinned at her.

dominic wandered out into the backyard a few moments later and paused. "oh, hey, who gets the emotional support dallison this time?"

"please don't get them started again," kira pleaded.

dominic scoffed. "okay, well, i'm staking a claim on liam," he decided, sitting down.

tara blinked at him. "really? liam? how is that your emotional support person?"

"first of all," liam said, "fuck you."

tara blew him a kiss.

"fuck you twice."

tara raised her eyebrows. "and your second point?"

liam considered it. "no, i think i'm good. fuck you, no notes."

dominic pointed at him. "see? this is why i call dibs on him. he is so funny."

"i'm literally being serious."

shaking his head, derek sat down, swaddled in their warmth and love, and waited for everyone else to come join them.

[abarbaricyalp]

Angel in the Centerfold

Rated E // 8.6k words // AO3

Professional baseball player Sam, professional rugby player Bucky, a sports magazine Body Issue, lots of unresolved history

The dummy copies came in a few days before the debut and dinner. These were the kinds of things people could point out a misspelled name or complain about a bad photoshop job. It was also where publicists could leak out interview details and athletes could accidentally post a snippet of a picture to social media. It may seem like a parasitic relationship with the magazine, but that early-access attention and buzz helped sell more copies than the prestige and history of the issue.

Sam hadn’t looked at it yet. He’d grabbed the mail before running out to a practice and left it in the kitchen. He was not surprised to come home and find Riley flipping through it. Well, flipping might be generous. He was staring at one page with a fine eyebrow raised intently.

“Did they edit out the gap in my teeth?” Sam asked, setting his things aside and dumping his keys and earbuds by the door. 

“You made such a fuss out of it the one time it happened, I don’t think anyone else will ever make that mistake again,” Riley said drily.

“And I’ll throw a fit again if it ever does.”

“Can I go to the dinner with you?” he asked suddenly.

Sam looked up at his friend with, first, delight and then apprehension. “Why?”

“Well, you just said everyone would be there, right?”

“Should be. It’s part of the contract. Minus, y’know, professional commitments or whatever.” Sam eyed him warily and tried to see what Riley was staring at. Riley snapped the magazine shut.

“Good. Let’s go. You’re right. I should see some of the guys again.”

“Give me the magazine,” San demanded, swiping for it around Riley’s shoulders.

Riley kept it out of his reach for a few seconds before he hissed and ducked his head out of the way, handing the magazine off in favor of getting an ice-pack brace for his neck. “You’re on page 43.”

Sam flipped to the page. Stared at himself, blushed, then stared some more. They’d used both pictures that Sam liked, one on each page of the spread while the interview ran down the center columns. He skimmed that for inaccuracies too, though he had a publicist for that.

“This looks fine. Why are you…” He flipped the page and came up short.

Grinning back at him was a ghost from the past. Sam’s brain was only supplying thighs thighs thighs thighs thighs thighs thighs thighs as a running monologue, so he wasn’t sure he was really staring at his first college boyfriend. Except that wasn’t really true either. He’d know Bucky with his eyes closed probably.

Bucky’s professional career was even more twisty-turny than Sam’s was next to Riley. He’d moved across the world to play rugby of all things, had played professionally for a few years, had an accident that lost him his arm, played in a para-league for a few years, and then petitioned to be allowed back into the professional league. He’d moved more to keep playing rugby than Sam had moved to play baseball.

They hadn’t kept up with each other. The break up was…not bad. The fully-expected couldn’t be bad, could it? But maybe that was the issue. Maybe neither of them really expected the other to go pro or to move so far away. Maybe they’d been hoping it could all work out for them. But it hadn’t and they’d parted a little coldly and distance and fame were a hell of a thing. Sam had thought about reaching out when he’d heard about the accident, but it felt hollow. Bucky didn’t reach out with Riley’s a few years later.

And now he was staring up at Sam with a wide grin and a wink. The image was longways across both pages, like a damn centerfold poster, and it made him look even taller than Sam remembered him being. He was broad as hell. He’d always been muscular, but in a contained way. Now he looked like a tree. In the image, he was wearing his shiny metal prosthetic. Two straps criss-crossed over his chest to hold it in place. It made him look like a gladiator. He was holding the ball over the important bits, but that absolutely did not hide any part of his thighs.

He had not had thighs like that in school.

“Yeah, that was approximately my reaction too,” Riley agreed and Sam startled back into awareness. He didn’t want to know how long he’d been staring at the picture or how slack-jawed he’d been the whole time. “You have to take me to meet him.”

“No way. I had no idea he’d be there. I mean, I didn’t even know they brought in international players for this. Hang on, maybe I can convince someone to have batting practice with me that night.”

“Nuh-uh. No way,” Riley said quickly, snagging the magazine back from Sam. “You’re going to that dinner and you’re gonna talk to him.”

“I don’t want to talk to him,” Sam said, reaching for the magazine again, though he wasn’t sure why.

“You’re the one always talking about how healing it’ll be for me to talk to the guys. To put some closure on my past and open a new doorway for the future.”

Sam grimaced. “It just sounds corny when you say it.”

“Trust me, Sam, it sounds corny when you say it too,” Riley laughed. He rolled the magazine up and stuck it in the back of his waistband. “Call Mel. Tell her you’re bringing a guest after all. She’ll be happy to hear my name.”

“She hears your name all the time,” Sam grumbled. “When I’m complaining about you.”

“Call,” Riley said. “I wanna hear you say it. I wanna hear the confirmation that we’re going.”

Sam glared at Riley for a few extra seconds before he snagged his phone from his pocket and called the publicist.

[alexdiazthingsblogpersonal]

Hoy

Hey, que onda???

Hoy quiero hablar contigo, desde hace un tiempo que había querido hacerlo, pero no me había atrevido por una sola razón, por que conseguí lo que quería, y era estar bien conmigo mismo.

A pasado ya un rato desde que no hemos estado juntos, y el camino que elegí por mi propio bien ahora se que fue el correcto, se que te lastime en muchas ocasiones, y es por eso que quiero explicártelo todo.

Alguna ves dijiste que quizá lo que yo tenia era una obsesión contigo, pero ahora se que no es asi, y se que no es asi, por que en este tiempo que no te he visto, todos los días he pensado en ti, en la profundidad de mi corazon siempre estaba corriendo hacia un solo lado, pero me canse, y me detuve a observar todo a mi alrededor vivía en una tormenta de la cual siempre huía, y solo un día me detuve dejando que pasara encima mío, dejando el desastre frente a mi, volví a hundirme, me destruí, pero estando en el fondo, sirvió mucho para volver a salir a la superficie, y en el camino de vuelta a casa pude ver, comprender, y volver a ser el mismo pero mejor.

Se que hubo un tiempo en el que fui egoísta contigo, se que vi primero otras cosas antes que a ti, y la monotonía nos trago, y aun viendo eso no hice mucho, la corriente nos llevo con ella, se que no soy el mejor hombre del mundo, pero se que mis defectos siempre alimentaran la llama a algo totalmente bueno, quizá no perfecto, pero dentro de todo ello encontré la paz, no pretendo que vuelvas si no quieres, pero si deseas hacerlo, sabes bien que mi corazon te pertenece por que ese fue mi deseo.

Wondering where did my baby go? The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go Sorry for not making you my centerfold.

3:24 / 4:37 Taylor Swift - coney island (Lyric Video) ft. The National

Acepto que gran parte de que las cosas sucedieran asi fue por mi culpa, y no quería verte triste por mi, por ser en quien me había convertido.

Ahora veo que te esta yendo bien ahora, veo que has logrado varias cosas aunque no hemos hablado, me asombra ver como creces, y quizá estés mejor sin mi, no lo se, pero yo te extraño muchísimo y no puedo dejar pasar mas el tiempo por que se que hay algo mas. Siempre a habido algo mas que amor, cariño, deseo, sueños, llantos, enojos, adrenalina, dolor, amor todo junto tan perfecto.

No se cuantas veces he dicho perdón, esperando que me los des.

Pero y después que? Solo habrá eso? un perdón sin nada mas?

Extraño mirarte a los ojos, no quiero tener que sostener la mano de nadie mas si no es la tuya, bebiendo vino y viviendo en una de tus canciones de Taylor Swift, viviendo un amor tan bonito y sano como siempre lo he imaginado, quizá no lo dije pero se que lo sabes, sabes que te buscaría hasta el final solo por cuidar de tu amor y vivir contigo para siempre, como niños de nuevo.

Como no amarte si eres la niña mas bonita que he conocido, como no extrañarte si te has unido a mi alma, como no pensarte si a cada instante tu aroma llega a mi mente y volteo a todos lados por si acaso esta ahí, como no sentir amor si tu eres todo lo que necesito, te necesito y mi corazon esta pidiéndome a gritos que corra por ti.

Y voy a luchar por tu amor por que estoy aquí y no tengo miedo. Y si aun lo tuviera no creo en estar mal por luchar por lo que amo.

I got my eyes on you You're everything that I see I want your hot love and emotion Endlessly.

1:16 / 3:47 - Hold On, We're Going Home

Me he dado el tiempo para sanar lo roto que estaba por que esa fue mi decisión y solo mía, era algo que arrastraba y estaba encadenado a ello, pero las cosas cambiaron de nuevo y ahora todo esta bien.

Ansió mucho con verte de nuevo, tu voz tan chillona y aveces un poco irritante, tu cabello esponjado con el clima, tus labios tan suaves y carnosos, tu ojos tan saltones y llenos de brillitos, extraño tus manos tan suaves y llenitas, extraño que me regañes al no pararme derecho, tu uñas que te duran al menos una semana por qué siempre te las comienzas a quitar con lo dientes por el estrés del trabajo, tu sonrisa tan perfecta y obsesivamente blanca, extraño a tu perrito esponjoso que alguna vez me dio celos por qué parecía que le dabas más atención que a mí jajajaja que gracioso sentirme tan inmaduro en ese momento, pero ahora lo entiendo diferente, extraño conversar con tu mamá hasta la noche y no importarme la hora de llegar a mi casa, tus pestañas más chiquitas que las mías, la forma en la que me veías y sabíamos que hacer, pensábamos lo mismo aveces y era algo perturbador pero siempre sincero y lindo, tu cachetes tan bonitos y terminar el día besándotelos, tu forma de regañarme para manejar y hacer mejor las cosas en la vida, extraño muchísimo tus besos que siempre llenaban mi alma de nueva energía y no me detenía en el éxtasis de probarlos nuevamente por qué sentía que tocaba el cielo y no quería bajarme de ahí jamás, es por eso que te nombre "mi pedacito de cielo".

I hope I'm not too late to set my demons straight I know I made you wait, but how much can you take? I hope you see the God in me, I hope you can see And if it's up, stay down for me, yeah.

2:44 / 3:59 Kendrick Lamar - Die Hard.

No te he buscado por qué no quiero abrirte una herida más, y pareciera que estás mejor sin mi, solo quiero tu felicidad, te amo tanto que haberte dejado ir es una mierda, por qué no lo soporto, no me la compro pero fue una decisión correcta, por qué tú y nadie más será mi amor verdadero, mi primer amor, todas las personas que han estado conmigo las he olvidado sin problema, es como cuando era chico y solo no quería estar triste, es por eso que casi no hablo de mi infancia, pero, los recuerdos plenos y bonitos, son como tú, y quiero tenerte toda la vida, quiero casarme contigo, quiero que seas mi guía espiritual por qué se que eres mi alma gemela, y eres perfecta, eres perfecta aún con todas esas imperfecciones, ahora mismo me encuentro llorando y sonriendo como idiota, por qué estoy expresando mis emociones, pero también te extraño tanto que siendo está hora de la noche, quisiera salir corriendo a verte y que me abrazaras por qué solo ahí me siento seguro, aún siendo un hombre tan grande como yo, aveces me siento chiquito y tú sabes cómo cuidar mi corazon aunque se que te desespero aveces.

Me despido con un abrazo sincero y un saludo, deseándote que te vaya bien en tu vida, en tu trabajo, con tu familia y amigos.

Todo lo que escribí antes quiero que lo recuerdes o lo deseches pero sabiendo que te quiero y amo.

Te ama para la eternidad y un día más, Alejandro.

[somedaywiki]

Tu serías todos mis complementos ☔🌨️🌊🧡

...only fools rush in

But I can't help falling in love with you

I can't help it no

About to unfold

On the centerfold

Oh yeah

You're a fairy tale

Call you Ariel

I know very well

I am caught up

Can't get you out of my head like my favorite song

Holding onto the ledge I won't last too long

Wise men say only fools rush in

But I can't help falling in love with you

They say I'm foolish

I'mma lose it

Got the cool whip

Oh no

What to do

Stuck like glue

Turning blue turning blue

Can't get you out of my head like my favorite song

Holding onto the ledge I won't last too long

Wise men say only fools rush in

But I can't help falling in love with you

Y también eres como Ariel!! Una enamorada del mar, de rapture, de que el agua todo lo cura y del los 2 azules que unen cielo y mar 💙

Está versión creo que se escribió para ti 😊

gracias por ser tan maravillosamente genialisisima!! Y quien no lo quiera ver, está ciego.

[sunnygaybitch]

Tagged by @aestheticallyunpleaseing

Rules: Answer thirteen questions and tag thirteen people.

Eye color: Dark brown

Hogwarts house: Hufflepuff

Last thing I googled: the movie Contagion because they mentioned it on the radio

Song stuck in my head: Centerfold by the J. Geils Band

Amount of sleep I get: 5 hours on average

Dream job: Author

Favorite song(s): right now, Tu No Eres Para Mi by Fanny Lu

Pet(s): a dog that is the cutest in the world

Favorite animal: Cats

Last song I listened to: Capullo y Sorullo by La Sonora Dinamita

Favorite book: right now, The Little Prince

Aesthetic: is tired gremlin an aesthetic?

Tagging: @bookrockshooter @bimmyshrug @trashmouthkid @sunxcherries @immigrant-thor @edtozier89 @honeyreynolds @dgalerab @striffyisme @space-is-out-there @sweetiekaspbrak @hyruling @beepbeep-motherfucker

[thegoldenyears-memories]

             YOU ARE THE MUSIC IN ME // a glencan mix

                                                          ( listen )

01. STOLE MY HEART de ONE DIRECTION ( don’t you know all night i’ve been waiting for a girl like you to come around, round, round. under the lights tonight turned around, and you stole my heart just one look, and I saw your face, fell in love take a minute girl, steal my heart tonight, just one look, yeah I’m waiting for a girl like you. )

02. HEART OUT de THE 1975 ( cause i remember when i found you much younger than you are now and once we started having friends round you created a television of your mouth. it’s just you and i tonight, why don’t you figure my heart out? it’s just you and i tonight, why don’t you figure my heart out? )

03. VAPOR de 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER ( hate it that you’re gone, gone, gone. if you told me that we were through you know that i would break the truce. i want to breathe you in like your vapour, i want to be the one you remember, i want to feel your love like the weather all over me, all over me. i want to print my hands in the pavement, savour your words, i won’t ever waste them look in your eyes and know just what you miss. )

04. WONDERWALL de OASIS ( i don’t believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now, and all the roads that lead you there were winding, and all the lights that light the way are blinding there are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how, because maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me and after all you’re my wonderwall. )

05. YOU ARE THE MUSIC IN ME de HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL ( your harmony to the melody its echoing inside my head, a single voice above the noise and like a common thread. hmm, youre pulling me, when i hear my favorite song i know that we belong oh, you are the music in me yeah its living in all of us and its brought us here because you are the music in me. )

06. SLEDGEHAMMER de FIFTH HARMONY ( i struggle to contain the love that’s in my veins and how it circulates if you could take my pulse right now it would feel just like a sledgehammer if you could feel my heart beat now it would hit you like a sledgehammer you’re taking over the beat of my body you just don’t let up, don’t let up. you’re taking over the beat of my body but you lift me up, lift me up If you take my pulse right now it would feel just like a sledgehammer. so close together so far apart you’re turning me on and my fire’s waiting for your spark. )

07. IRIS de THE GOO GOO DOLLS ( and i’d give up forever to touch you because i know that you feel me somehow you’re the closest to heaven that i’ll ever be and i don’t want to go home right now and all i can taste is this moment, and all i can breathe is your life, and sooner or later it’s over i just don’t wanna miss you tonight. )

08. STILL INTO YOU de PARAMORE ( because after all this time i’m still into you i should be over all the butterflies but i’m into you, i’m into you and baby even on our worst nights i’m into you, i’m into you let them wonder how we got this far because i don’t really need to wonder at all yeah, after all this time i’m still into you. )

09. DO I WANNA KNOW? de ARTIC MONKEYS ( because there’s this tune i found that makes me think of you somehow and i play it on repeat until i fall asleep spilling drinks on my settee. do i want to know? if this feeling flows both ways. )

10. SOMEBODY TO YOU de THE VAMPS ( look at me now, i’m falling can’t even talk, still stuttering this ground of mine keeps shaking, oh now all i want to be and all i ever wanted to be is somebody to you. all i want to be and all i ever wanted to be is somebody to you. everybody’s trying to be a billionaire but every time i look at you i just don’t care because all i want to be and all i ever wanted to be is somebody to you. )

B O N U S :

11. CLASSIC de MKTO ( baby you’re class and baby you’re sick i never met a girl like you ever til we met a star in the 40’s, centerfold in the 50’s got me tripping out like the sixties hippies queen of the discotheque a 70’s dream and an 80’s best, hepburn, beyoncé, marilyn manson girl you’re timeless, just so classic. you’re over my head i’m out of my mind  thinking i was born in the wrong time let’s start the rewind, everything is so throwback age. out of my league old school chic like a movie star from the silver screen. you’re one of a kind living in a world gone plastic baby you’re so classic. )

12. STEREO HEARTS de GLEE CAST ( if i could only find a note to make you understand i’d sing it softly in your ear and grab you by the hand just keep it stuck inside your head, like your favorite tune and know my heart is a stereo that only plays for you. my heart’s a stereo it beats for you, so listen close hear my thoughts in every no-o-ote make me your radio turn me up when you feel low this melody was meant for you just sing along to my stereo. )

13. NO IDEA de ALL TIME LOW ( now there’s so much of me, tells me not to leave, everytime i see your face. because your the type, you come around, how do you take my breath away. and i just wanna breathe until i take you in. i never want you to leave until i take you in. (but the truth is…) she has no idea, that i’m even here. she has no idea, that i’m even here. )

                   ¡¡ FELIZ NAVIDAD Y AÑO NUEVO, ANDY !!

DE: cry baby

PARA: andy

Andy:

Te diría algo como “¡SORPRESA SOY TU SANTA SECRETO!” pero hay un pequeño gran problema, ya lo sabes porque eres admi (#sad) pero bueeeeeeno, no importa. Realmente no soy una persona que sabe expresar mucho sus sentimientos, me enredo mucho al hacerlo y termino desviándome mucho del tema, pero intentare hacerlo lo mejor posible. En todo este tiempo que te he conocido Andy has sido una grandiosa amiga, un bello ser humano, has sabido escucharme (o bueno leerme) y infinidad de veces he podido desahogarme contigo, gracias por estar allí, te quiero un montononon y bueno, espero que te guste este fanmix de los dos niños (porque ¿enserio pensabas que elegiría otra cosa?) y bueno eso, espero que hayas tenido una navidad bonita y año nuevo.

                                                                                                     Cry Baby.

[marianajacqueline45]

Hoy cumple años Melody Anderson 62 años es una asistente social y conferenciante especializada en el impacto de la adicción en las familias canadiense-estadounidense. Es también conocida como actriz, con su papel más prominente siendo el de Dale Arden en la adaptación de 1980 de Flash Gordon. Además del canto, ella también se formó como actriz, lo cual la lleva a los papeles en cine y televisión durante los años 1970 y 1980. Su primera exposición nacional fue como estrella invitada en la serie de 1977 de Logan's Run y como "Sweathog" en un episodio de Welcome Back, Kotter. Ella hizo numerosas apariciones en televisión, incluyendo Archie Bunker's Place, Battlestar Galactica, Dallas, T. J. Hooker, el episodio piloto de The A-Team, y The Fall Guy. Ha recurrido a papeles en St. Elsewhere y Jake and the Fatman. Ella era la protagonista femenina de la serie de la de NBC de 1983, Manimal, y apareció en All My Children, en la década de 1990. En 1983, Anderson también interpretó el papel principal en una película hecha para la televisión llamada Police Woman Centerfold, en la que su personaje, una policía divorciada, es despedida después de posar desnuda para una revista para hombres (basado libremente en la historia real de la mujer policía de Springfield, Ohio, Barbara Schantz, quien posteriormente fue despedida de su trabajo después de posar desnuda en la revista Playboy en la década de 1980). También protagonizó en 1986 la película para la televisión, Beverly Hills Madam, con Faye Dunaway. También interpretó a Edie Adams en la película de televisión Ernie Kovacs: Between the Laughter, junto a Jeff Goldblum como Ernie Kovacs e interpretó el codiciado papel de Marylin Monroe en 1993 MOW Marilyn & Bobby: Her Final Affair. Su última aparición en televisión fue en 1995 como estrella invitada en el renacimiento de breve duración de CBS, Burke's Law. Además de interpretar a Dale Arden en el culto a los clásicos Flash Gordon y como protagonista femenina de Dead And Buried, ella también apareció junto a Nicolas Cage en The Boy In Blue. Anderson ha hecho apariciones en convenciones del género, tales como la Big Apple Convention de octubre de 2009 en Manhattan.

[welcometothexfactorff]

Cap. 34

Depois daquele encontro noturno com o Harry como eu esperava me concentrar em qualquer outra coisa que não fosse ele? Me peguei pensando nele o resto da noite inteira e o dia seguinte também, até enquanto ensaiávamos era apenas o rosto dele que eu via.

-Está tudo maravilhoso. – Cheryl falou com um sorriso. – espero mesmo que a gente consiga ir direto para a final.

Eu também esperava, mas não por causa do programa ou algo assim, naquele momento eu só queria que tudo acabasse e que eu não cruzasse nunca mais com o Harry na vida.

O domingo chegou feito um terremoto, eu estava mais do que nervosa, mas na atual circunstância eu não estava ligando muito se ganhava ou se perdia, eu só queria ir embora.

A primeira música que apresentamos foi Spice Up Your life, os jurados adoraram, disseram que nós realmente tínhamos colocado o palco para ferver, que bom, pelo menos isso.

Jackie estava mais do que perfeita enquanto cantava On My Own da trilha sonora de Os miseráveis, havia algo na forma em que ela interpretava a canção que estava me fazendo sentir vontade de chorar. Era ela? Era a musica? Era o fato de o programa estar na reta final? Isso eu não sabia dizer.

O One Direction veio em seguida cantando Only Girl da Rihanna, devo admitir que a apresentação deles me fez ter vontade de dançar e olha que eu não sou muito disso.

A nossa segunda, A Song to Sing do Hanson emocionou todo mundo, até eu me emocionei, afinal a letra meio que em contava uma história. Jackie cantou I’ll be there do Rei e eu acompanhei cada nota, cada acorde dos bastidores, ela sabia mesmo como encantar uma platéia, era uma artista nata. 

A segunda dos meninos foi Chasing Cars do Snow Patrol, enquanto eles cantavam eu não pude deixar de encarar o Harry enquanto o rosto dele era mostrado no telão, ele estava particularmente lindo naquela noite.

-Eu preciso tomar um ar. - falei encarando Mari e Debby que pareceram me entender. - volto depois.

Quando os resultados saíram eu quase enfartei ao perder o Matt, afinal para mim ele era um dos favoritos para ganhar o programa e aquilo significava que nós, os meninos e a Jackie estávamos na final.

Eu ainda não conseguia acreditar que estávamos na final, depois de deixar o palco eu e as meninas nos abraçamos aos prantos, era sério? Tínhamos mesmo chegado tão longe?

-Parabéns. – a voz veio de cima dos meus ombros e eu me virei para ver que Harry me encarava com uma expressão doce no rosto. – está na final.

-Você também. – eu falei e ele deu de ombros.

-Acho que foi sorte.

-Não não foi, vocês são ótimos, todos vocês.

-Vocês também.

Ficamos um segundo apenas nos encarando, eu resolvi tomar uma atitude, estiquei a mão na direção dele, Harry olhou durante algum tempo para minha mão ali estendida e a apertou.

-Parabéns Harry. – falei e ele fez um gesto positivo com a cabeça.

-Parabéns Lizzy.

No dia seguinte recebemos a noticia de que faríamos um dueto com alguém famoso que nossos mentores escolheram de acordo com o estilo de cada participante, Cheryl teve o prazer de nos informar que nossa parceira seria a Pink, mas que ela só poderia vir ensaiar com gente na sexta feira, enquanto isso ensaiaríamos a nossa música solo.

A música escolhida para cantar com a Pink foi Centerfold e a nossa música solo foi nada mais nada menos que Frozen do Whithin Temptation, eu quase tive um troço quando a Cheryl anunciou as duas músicas, a da Pink era uma das minhas favoritas e frozen era simplesmente a trilha sonora da minha vida.

Jackie ficou de receber Ed Sheeran para cantar Give me Love, o Ed também ficou de aparecer na sexta feira o que estava deixando Jackie uma pilha de nervos enquanto ensaiava essa música e Say You Love Me da Jesse Ware.

Os meninos receberam Robbie Williams para cantar She’s the One com eles, o engraçado é que diferente da Pink ou do Ed, o Robbie fez questão de vir alguns dias antes para acompanhar os ensaios da música solo dos garotos e conhecê-los um pouco melhor.

-Vamos, quero que me falem um pouco de vocês. – ele falou quando sentou junto com eles para conversar, os cinco estavam tão emocionados que não conseguiam dizer nada.

-Ok, vamos começar pelas coisas que inspiram vocês, Zayn?

-Preciso mesmo falar? É que são tantas coisas, minha família, meus amigos, minha namorada...

-Ui, alguém aqui tem uma namorada, já? – Robbie falou sorrindo.

-Sim, o nome dela é Deborah, ela é membro do Wild Stuff Destination.

-Ah a Debby, sim ela é linda além de ter uma voz incrível.

-É sim ela tem.

-E os outros? Mais rolos com mais pessoas da casa?

Niall levantou a mão.

-Eu namoro a Jackie.

-Jackie? Cara você vai dar conta daquela garota? Porque sinceramente quando ela sair daqui...

-Eu dou conta.

Robbie sorriu e olhou de Harry para Liam.

-E vocês?

-Eu estou bem sozinho. – Liam falou rápido.

-E você, Harry?

Harry limpou a garganta.

-Eu tenho alguém que me inspira sim, alguém que faz meu coração saltar toda vez que se aproxima, alguém que me deixa acordado a noite.

-E onde ela está?

-Aqui no programa é a Lizzy também do WSD.

-É sua namorada?

Harry sorriu encarando o chão.

-Não, ela não é. É simplesmente a garota que eu queria ter por perto, mas não tenho. Agora vamos parar com isso, acho melhor irmos ensaiar, não?

Robbie encarou o garoto, tão novo e já sofrendo tanto.

Toda aquela pressão estava acabando comigo, em um dos dias de ensaio quando fui até a cozinha para pegar água acabei esbarrando em alguém que não imaginava, Robbie Williams.

-Inspiradora Lizzy. – ele falou e eu estranhei, mas decidi não ser grossa, afinal era o Robbie Williams.

-Inspiradora? – falei com um sorriso.

-Sim é ótimo enfim te conhecer.

Como assim enfim?

-Como assim enfim? – tive que perguntar.

-Bom, antes de mais nada eu queria te agradecer, se o Harry particularmente der um show domingo é por sua causa, sabia?

-Como assim? – só eu que não estava entendendo nada.

-Não te disseram? Você é inspiradora.

-Quê?

-Você entendeu. – e assim ele seguiu caminho.

Eu fiquei analisando, do que ele estava falando? Eu inspiradora? Mas eu inspirava quem? Será que ele estava falando...

-Lizzy? – a voz da Cheryl me despertou. – vamos voltar ao ensaio?

-Não espera! – falei correndo na direção da porta, eu precisava fazer algo antes.

Eu não sabia por que todos os meus instintos me pediam para fazer aquilo, eu só sabia que queria fazer, era como se fosse algo mais forte do que eu, se eu achava que nunca me apegaria a ninguém ou que nunca gostaria de ninguém de verdade eu estava enganada, eu e Harry poderíamos ter nossas brigas e nada garantia que ficaríamos juntos algum dia, mas naquele momento eu sentia que precisava ir até lá, que precisava fazer alguma coisa.

A verdade era que eu sabia que tinha perdido o que havia entre a gente porque eu mesma estava perdida, eu havia me perdido antes de perdê-lo e aquilo estava me deixando louca. Eu sabia que nunca seria a garota certa para ele e que eu acabaria destruindo nós dois se insistisse naquilo, mas eu simplesmente não conseguia parar de correr naquela direção, eu não conseguia parar de voltar para ele, não importava até onde eu corresse, meu coração ia acabar me trazendo de volta aos braços dele e aquela era a única certeza que eu tinha na vida.

Cheguei correndo na sala em que Simon ensaiava com os meninos e com o Robbie, ao me ver na porta Robbie abriu um sorriso.

-Lizzy, o que está fazendo aqui? – Simon perguntou e todos se viraram para me encarar.

Harry foi o primeiro a me olhar, ele estava simplesmente lindo, sentado em um banco ao lado dos companheiros e com os olhos vidrados em mim.

Eu não disse nada, segui a passos firmes sala adentro, me aproximei do Harry que ficou de pé sem entender direito o motivo de eu estar ali e me encarou.

-O que você... – ele começou, mas antes que pudesse terminar a pergunta eu o beijei sem explicação alguma, todos ficaram simplesmente paralisados encarando a cena, eu senti ele sorrir durante o beijo e me senti bem por aquilo.

-Ahã, ahã. – Simon limpou a garganta e nós nos afastamos. – a senhorita não deveria estar ensaiando?

-Sim. – falei rápido. – eu só vim, eu só...

Minha cabeça estava tão confusa que eu não consegui elaborar um pensamento coerente.

-A nossa linda Lizzy só veio inspirar o Harry um pouco mais, não foi? – Robbie falou e eu subitamente fiquei morrendo de vergonha.

-Meio que isso mesmo. – falei rápido. – ok, boa sorte meninos, até mais.

Segui correndo sala afora, Harry me acompanhou com um sorriso nos lábios. O que tinha acontecido ali?

[wolfbaenes]

"feeling like that is, like, the bare minimum requirement for joining this pack," liam deadpanned, only to receive a smack on the arm from dominic. "ow! i'm half-serious. i think we've all felt..." he ran his tongue across his bottom lip in thought and then shrugged. "i don't know. how many of us actually asked to be where we are? i didn't ask to be a werewolf. none of you asked to be experiments. the hales didn't ask to be born as werewolves or witches. we didn't ask for whatever legacies our parents or predecessors left for us to adopt. i'm not saying any of those things are inherently bad, either, but⎯fuck. when someone does something to you that you didn't⎯that⎯"

liam stopped.

it happened in inopportune moments, his... recollection. most days, he was fine with it. he didn't flinch away from touch or wake up screaming or start weeping over his yogurt. but every now and again, a door would slam and he'd be right back in that enclosed office in the locker room, weak and defenseless and being blamed for his own abuse. and sometimes, those memories would come, and liam didn't know how to take himself out of them. he didn't know how to breathe through them, through those desperate, suffocating, helpless feelings.

the wind blew and liam sniffled. he continued as if he hadn't missed a beat, even though several had passed in his intermission. "when someone does something to you that can't be undone, it's hard to remind yourself that you're human after that. when someone makes you a weapon, or they fucking⎯burn your house down, or... call you pretty, like you're a fucking object. and, hey, which one of us hasn't dealt with one of those things? it doesn't make us any less, just... leaves us with some shit to figure out. together or whatever."

dominic's hand twitched, as if to reach for liam, but he got the feeling that touch wouldn't be well-received right now. so he scooted just a little bit closer, until the heat from one body naturally poured off into the next. it wasn't the same as an embrace, but it was enough to relax the tension in liam's bones just a little bit.

"the label thing doesn't really help," brynn pointed out, though she didn't sound particularly bothered herself. the smile that she had adopted a thousand years ago sat just as gently on her lips now as it always had. "we define ourselves as kelpie, werewolf, witch, hunter, chimera... and human as an entirely different category. not that that's our fault at all; we didn't choose this system, it was built long before any of us walked this earth. but it can be quite isolating, can't it? to already feel inhuman and then have someone explicitly tell you that you're not."

"...well," jude said quietly. she hadn't spoken up all night, not sure if she could. what could she say to relate to what any of them had gone through? how could she speak at all, when her very blood was at the root of so much misery? "i think i am the most... unexceptional person here⎯you know, as it pertains to being other. and as someone who has been surrounded by people her entire life, this is probably the most human circle i've ever sat in. people can be... they are really cruel. they do unto others, and damn the rest." she huffed out a quiet laugh and smiled a bit halfheartedly at holly. "i can't take away how you feel, and i don't know how much i can really relate. i'm sorry for offering an opinion that doesn't give much help. but if it's worth anything at all, i really like the person you are, holly. i think i'll like whatever person you choose to be."

holly laced her fingers with her sister's, squeezing heather's hand gently. "you already make me feel better, by being here," she promised. "getting to be with you again makes me feel happier than i ever could have imagined i could feel, ever." she smiled at heather softly before looking up at the others. "getting to be here makes me feel happier than i ever thought i could feel. i couldn't have even imagined...in eichen, i think...i was finally really starting to just...give up. i felt like nothing would ever exist beyond those walls. and then we got sick, and...i felt so sure that nothing ever would. but it does."

smiling gratefully at everyone, holly said, "i wish i knew what i wanted, but i think...i feel like there's so much for me to figure out. i don't even know where to start, or what i want to do, really," she admitted.

clearing her throat, malia looked around shyly before speaking up. "i feel the same way. i mean, not exactly the same way," she amended. "because of course, no one feels exactly the same way. just." she thought about her next words carefully. it was hard, all this thinking, trying to find the right way to say things, trying to find any way to vocalize the thoughts inside her head. she hadn't had to do that in such a long time. "i don't know where to start when it comes to being a person, either. or figuring out what i like, or who i am. i feel like i missed so much."

"i often feel as though i have missed a lot, too," patariki confessed.

"i think figuring out who you are is a constant thing," quinn added thoughtfully. "who you are is always changing, you know? every day we figure out new things about ourselves, and it's always changing. and that's okay. it's good, even. we don't have to be just one thing, or the same thing all the time. we get to change and figure it out."

"i like the idea of us figuring out how to be human together, and who we are together," holly said quietly. "is that something all of you have felt? like you don't always feel like a person?"

[wolfbaenes]

the sentiment of not feeling human seemed to pass through the circle like a spirit, bouncing from one person to another and leaving its mark on every face. it opened an ache in hini's chest, knowing that they'd all been made to feel this way. as much as they comforted each other with the reassurance that they were all human, that no one could take that from them, it did nothing to assuage the bone-deep fear that they would be the innocent kids they'd been before the world left bloody fingerprints on their souls.

human and supernatural alike, they'd all been torn apart by something. some of them had never fully recovered from it. sometimes, she didn't know if she did.

she watched as holly's extrapolation settled over cora, the wolf nodding slowly as she figured out her own response for it. cora had never been one for words; everything that she felt was tightly packed away, the comfort and understanding left for the more vocal or empathetic pack members. the fact that she was trying at all said a lot.

"i... hm," she said. kira nudged their shoulders together lightly in encouragement. cora tried again. "my childhood was taken from me, too, in a different way. not just the fire, but what came after. and i never got myself back. the part of me that felt human, that might've been human, might've been just... a girl who liked dresses and time with her family, i never got that back. but i don't think⎯" she paused again, running her tongue over her lips. the silence sat gently on their shoulders; the earth waited for her. "what i've learned is that you can still be. even if you're not that person, or if you're not what anyone thinks you should be... i don't know, if you've already lost everything that you were, doesn't that leave a lot of room for you to be whoever you want now?"

"i think that's a good way of putting it," camden offered, giving her a smile. "that's not to say it's easy. finding the path forward can be the hardest part, especially when you've missed all of the steps that everyone else has pictures and videos of. it's like you're not even at square one, because someone pulled you so far away from the starting line, you can't make your way back. but i think you're in good company, holly," he said with a smile. "you're with a lot of people who've felt not-totally-human. and every single of us loves you enough to hold your hand and walk with you until you find your path."

"and if you're worried about not having a first dance, don't be," lydia added. "i'll recreate prom tomorrow, if you want. we can vote for prom queen right now." though her face was serious, she softened her features a bit. "that's not to invalidate anything that you're feeling. what i mean to say is... if there's anything there's we can do to help you reclaim that sense of personhood and agency that you lost, then i'll be the first in line to do it."

"me, too," heather said quietly, taking her sister's hand. she had been quiet during the conversation, not quite sure what she could say. she hadn't gotten over that inhuman feeling herself; how could she offer her sister comfort for something that she was still struggling with? all she could offer was the promise that she would always be there, which she would. "i⎯i don't know how to make you feel better," she confessed, lacing their fingers together. "i don't feel human myself. but i know that i love you. and that i'm here. i'm not letting anyone take you from me ever again. so if you need to figure out how to be human again, i'll hold your hand the entire time. we can find favorite things. we can get dressed up for dances and learn how to do our makeup. and we'll do it together, if you want. that's what i want."

scott smiled at them both before settling his gaze on holly. "is there anything we can do for you? any way we can help you feel like a person again?"

"you won't say the wrong words," holly said, head tilting to the side slightly as she looked up at cora. "even if we don't mean the same thing, it's not wrong to compare and relate. it's...nice. not nice that you can relate, but nice that...we can...understand. i don't think anyone else could understand, outside of this circle."

allison looked between cora and holly worriedly, but at their words, she had to admit to herself, she knew exactly what they meant. it felt like a constant internal battle sometimes; the need to try to help everyone, to fix everything, to atone for all of the pain her family had inflicted for generations.

to atone for all of the pain her family had inflicted on the people seated here, now.

sometimes, allison thought, if only she could help everyone, if only she could find the right words, say the right thing, do the right thing, fight hard enough, she could scrub away the brand of her last name. the lines of pain for so many of the people she loved most in the world could be traced back to her family, and the guilt of that was an albatross around her neck she knew she would never be completely free of. but as much as her instinct was to try to heal the pain her friends were expressing, at cora and holly's words, she paused, considering the weight of them, the reality. she was, by all accounts, among the most human members of the pack; she was a hunter, yes, but despite her skill she was still only human, she had no supernatural strength or speed or healing capabilities. sometimes, though— more often than sometimes— she hardly felt human, either. she had been molded from childhood into a weapon; she was a blade concealed beneath skin and bone, a drawn bow behind a smile. her family had raised her to be a weapon, and sometimes she felt it still. sometimes she wondered if that was all she was good for, still; what was the point of her, if she was not a protector, a defender, a dagger disguised as a woman?

looking up across the circle, her eyes fell on theo; he'd gone still as a stone, eyes glued to the spot on the grass in front of him. patariki stared into the night with sad, wide eyes; even sweet lucy looked pained and on the verge of tears.

"i think," laura said softly, her voice full of sadness, "that might be something everyone here can relate to, just like holly said." and oh, how it pained her to know her sister felt this way; that any of them did. even if the experience is different for everyone, it might be helpful, to talk about it, if you're comfortable with it," she added gently.

holly nodded, smiling shakily at cora.

"sometimes i think i really don't know how. i mean, on the most basic level. we spent so much of our childhoods locked up by the dread doctors," she said, looking around at the other chimeras as she spoke. "we missed out on so much. just normal things, you know? like going to a first dance, or going to the movies with friends, or just...hanging out. i never figured out how to do all of those things that you see in movies."

malia inhaled sharply, moving closer to jude and burying her face against her shoulder. she knew all too well what holly meant, and it felt like a sharp, shooting pain in her chest to hear it put so plainly.

"and then, i mean...i went from one place like that to another. who knows if i even would have trusted those people if i knew better? but i didn't, because...how would i, i guess. and the guards all called me pretty, but it felt so wrong and scary, and not like if someone my age called me pretty or..." she swallowed. "and i think i was treated like a science experiment or an object for so long that i feel like i don't know how to be. i don't even have favorite things. if someone asks what i like, i...i don't know. i don't feel like i even know myself."

[wolfbaenes]

it amazed tara sometimes, to think about how varied all of their experiences were. even though a handful of them had been captured by the dread doctors and another handful of them had been in eichen, the only person caught in that awful intersection was holly. there was no way any of them could fully empathize with her, because no one else had been in her shoes. there wasn't a single person here who could relate to what she'd experienced in any way that mattered.

tara picked at the adhesive clumping at the edges of band-aid tracing the heel of her palm. it was a hawkeye band-aid, dug out of dominic's stash and lovingly smoothed onto her skin. it amazed her, again, that they were in such a place now; that the handful of them that'd been experimented on and treated like science projects could now sit under the dying lightbulbs in the dining room and have someone gently press their thumb against a band-aid and hold it until it stuck, letting glue and plastic say everything.

that had been a steep curve, learning that gestures had words. violence spoke, of course, but not quite as loudly as the smile dominic had tucked in her direction as he dabbed at her cut with a cotton ball. you'll heal, the action had said. i'm right here with you⎯until you do and after you do, it'd said. i love you and i will not let you bleed out.

and the band-aid, somehow, felt just as warm as the cups of tea that beth would press into tara's palms as their feet grew cold against the midnight linoleum, nightmares still ringing in tara's ears and painting patches of blackbluepurplegreen against beth's sunken collarbone. to be loved, in spite of the pain you caused, was a dizzying lesson, something that was still sinking in, day by day by day. every time tara's pain discolored beth's skin or her traumatized screams gave theo headaches and they loved her anyway. every time she accidentally stepped on cole's foot, only for the blonde to throw her head back and her arms around tara's neck and laugh, i love you. silly girl, i love you.

life was all about learning and being amazed. about being loved and forgiven.

tara was still figuring that out after her stint with the dread doctors. she didn't know how holly was doing with it, after both sets of doctors.

she pulled her gaze up and frowned. she tried to tame her reaction, lest holly think she was upset with her, when that couldn't be further from the case. she didn't think she could ever be upset with holly; there was something in her now, something massive and carnivorous, that was created to love holly, to love quinn and alicia and theo and heather in a way that she could never spare another person. there was no sin that holly could commit that tara would not love her through.

but.

"you're not stupid," she said, once holly had finished. "i mean⎯⎯not now, but not then, either. holls, we were... jesus, we were kids. you thought they were doing what was best for you, and⎯i don't know, maybe that's what they thought, too. but you weren't stupid for trusting that. you were a child."

"exactly," maggie murmured, wrapping her hand around glenn's. it was hard for her to hear these things, to know what so much of the pack had gone through. maggie hadn't had nearly as many awful experiences as most of them and couldn't imagine what it was like to grow up the way that some of them did. her heart ached for them all; she wanted to cry for them all, but she could never let herself. not when she knew that they needed strength; not when she knew how much it would hurt beth for her to internalize any of this.

"i," cora began, then stopped. she pursed her lips together, trying to visualize the sentence in her mind before she spoke it. she was never good at this, at emotions. she wasn't one of the hales who'd gotten that gene. or, if she was, it'd been burned and beaten to death already. "can i ask what you mean by not knowing how? because i⎯i know what it's like to not feel human, but i don't want to compare my experience to yours and say the wrong words, if we don't mean the same thing."

"we can watch twilight any time you want," cass said, reaching a hand out to cradle the bottom of the mug attie held and warming the hot chocolate up again for her.

"you're just saying that because you want to watch twilight," stiles teased, but he was smiling warmly at atticus, too.

"hey, alice was some of our gay awakenings, okay?" bailey giggled.

"bailey." stiles gave her a pointed stare and raised an eyebrow, and bailey giggled, leaning her head against attie's shoulder.

"alright, so the mere existence of women was the root cause of my gay awakening, but alice was for some people," she amended, pressing a kiss to attie's shoulder before turning her attention to the question she was asking holly and the others.

"no, it's...it's nice of you to ask," holly said. "it's hard to just...bring up, on it's own. it's hard to even put it into words, i guess." she wrapped the blade of grass around her finger again, looking down at it for a moment and drawing in a deep, shaking breath, gathering her thoughts; gathering herself.

"it was probably different for all of us," she began, chancing a look up, first at xochie, then at sebastian. sebastian nodded gently, arm wrapped protectively around his sister from where he sat. "after we got out of...that place the doctors had us in," she paused, brow furrowing as she thought. "after theo got us out," she corrected herself, because she remembered it, clear as anything. she remembered theo, rattling the bars of his cage, slamming himself into the concrete walls to draw their attention away from her, from heather, from alicia, from quinn, from tara. she remembered theo later, playing the good little soldier, the abiding patient; theo doing their bidding, drawing them in; theo vanishing for days and returning looking haunted, but the rest of them being left alone.

there were so many things holly couldn't remember, but she remembered that.

"we all got separated, and we ran. when this couple found me, i was sitting on the side of the highway...it was raining, and i was just...talking. babbling, probably. i must have said enough true things that i scared them, and they brought me there. they brought me there, and i just went in. i walked right out of one cage and into another." she shook her head. "i was so, so stupid. i believed they could help; that i was crazy, and they could help me. and instead..."

she chewed at her lip, finding an old scar and latching on, tearing at the tougher skin until she tasted the sharp, metallic tang of blood against her teeth and tongue.

"the doctors, the dread doctors, they were trying to turn us into something. they did, i think. they treated us like we were science experiments, and it was scary and painful, but eichen was...different. there were so many more of them. so many doctors, and they would tie us down with ropes and chains that burned us, and guards, and they let the guards..." she chewed on her lip again, staring hard at the ground in front of her, watching as the grass blurred when tears filled her eyes.

"they treated us like science experiments, but worse, too. like...things, just things. it's been so long since i was a person. i feel like i don't remember how," she admitted softly.

[wolfbaenes]

derek caught allison's eyes and nodded ever so slightly. he didn't disagree with atticus's decision. he'd always known that the ipswich coven had its flaws; even though atticus had never spoken at length about what she had left behind, it had always been clear that something terrible had driven her out of her hometown. and now that derek knew what that was, he couldn't agree more: the ipswich coven needed to burn right along with the salem coven. and if it was what atticus, along with the salem refugees, wanted to do, then derek would support that every step of the way.

but it wasn't as cut and dry as just doing it. dismantling powers that had been alive far longer than most of them would require planning, even if they weren't dealing with forces that could kill them all without so much as looking in their direction. derek was all for leading the charge against the witch capitals of the united states; he was less willing to get his entire pack killed for it.

even so, that wasn't a conversation that begged to be had right now. tonight was about everyone getting things off of their chests and coming to whatever conclusions would help them breathe through the night. the logistics would be waiting for them in the morning, like a cup of coffee steaming on the table.

scott similarly saw the look that allison gave him and he offered a small smile in return. even after all of these years, he wasn't quite so good at that part; despite being an alpha and knowing what that meant, he always led with his heart first. atticus needed to do this for her, and that was his first concern. the safety of the pack was an immediate second. it was his job to put the pack first, he knew it was, but his battle planning and compartmentalization wasn't what had given him his alpha state in the first place, so he didn't attempt to lean into it now.

what scott was good for was this: being the warmth that atticus could sink into when she was unsure if anything in her life would remain hers.

"attie, hey," he said, regaining her attention and giving her another smile. "i'm really proud of you, you know that? you've gone through a lot in your life... hell, in the past few months, way more than any of us even realized. and you're still here, even after all of that. the strength that comes from surviving as long as you have⎯⎯that's not something anyone could ever take away from you. it's something i'm so proud of you for having."

atticus's expression slackened in a telling way, and for a moment, she thought she'd manage a few tears. between scott's words and holly's and all of the love and support from the pack, she was feeling more than enough for it. but they didn't fall, and that was okay, too. "can we watch twilight?" she asked suddenly, her voice small agian.

scott grinned. "hell yeah, we can," he promised softly. "before we go to sleep, we can put on twilight."

"we can even schedule another vampire baseball game," lydia suggested. "a lot of us weren't here for the first one, and i think we've earned it."

atticus lit up, her smile bright and true, and liam distantly realized just how long it'd been since he'd seen her smile like that. "thank you," she said again. "all of you, i really... i appreciate everything." she released bailey and cass's hands to grab her hot chocolate mug again. the drink had gone cold, but she didn't mind. she felt warm anyway, holding it to her chest and peering at holly with gentle eyes. "can i ask... do you want to talk about your experience with eichen or everything after? or... before or both? you have a lot of history racked up, going from one captor to another, and i think i'm just wondering how you're holding up under all of it. and, of course, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to," she clarified. "anyone is free to speak up, and there is no obligation to answer anything you aren't comfortable with."

beth took daryl's hand, weaving their fingers together and leaning into him gratefully. the bruise that had been working it's way up past her collar and towards her throat retreated slowly, dipping back below the pastel blue of her sweatshirt as she rubbed her thumb gently over the back of his hand. she knew this conversation wasn't easy for him, wasn't easy for anyone; she also knew daryl knew that this many emotions in the air was often enough to cause her significant pain. if there was a way to shut it out, she didn't know it yet; she didn't think she wanted to. if she could ease someone else's suffering, she always wanted to do just that, no matter the cost to her. yet the moment daryl took her hand, the cost seemed to be nothing; everything felt peaceful and safe, all at once. she leaned her head against his shoulder, grateful beyond measure for his kindness and his thoughtfulness. how, she wondered, could she have ever been so very lucky to meet him?

when fear was brought up, it was clear this was a topic everyone could understand, to some degree. cass let out a soft sound and nodded in agreement with dominic, biting down on her lower lip as she did. would she ever feel truly safe until the salem coven was entirely dismantled? she doubted it wholeheartedly. danny was right; as long as the thing you feared was still out there, it was impossible not to worry it was lurking around every dark corner, that it was waiting to strike just at the moment you least expected.

as danny spoke, jackson's brow furrowed briefly, and he reached for danny with his free hand, taking his hand and holding on reassuringly.

"it isn't stupid to be afraid at all," lucy said quietly. "i used to think it was, for a long time; i thought it was so stupid, how scared i always was. but it isn't, it's just an emotion, like anything else. and in the case of having a very real, very bad thing happen to you, being afraid of that, or the people who did that, isn't stupid, either. in fact, i would be shocked if you weren't scared," she added with a gentle smile. "because it is scary. i'm still scared of things, all the time. but we can still do things when we're scared, especially when we have everyone here to help us. and you do, attie. we are all always on your side, no matter what. and we will support you in whatever you want to do."

allison's eyes darted to derek quickly, then to scott, then to laura; she knew this was something they would have to talk about, but now wasn't the time. she supported atticus; hell, she agreed with her: the salem and ipswich covens were menaces who had done nothing but terrorize, torture, and murder for so long, and they needed to be stopped. but if they were going to declare war on two of the oldest covens in the nation, that was going to require some serious planning.

"we'll figure it out. nina, the covens, your meds, all of it. i promise we'll figure it all out." she said.

"we always find a way, don't we?" quinn added with a smile.

"it's kinda what we do," stiles agreed.

"i love you, too," holly promised atticus. "but it doesn't mean what happened to you was okay. or what was happening to us, or what happened to you in your old town, or what happened to us with the dread doctors, or what happened here with the fire...a lot of not okay things keep happening, but it doesn't mean there isn't something good in there, too. if it weren't for what happened when we were kids, we wouldn't know alicia, theo, and quinn. maybe...there's no perfect way to do things, maybe we just have to keep trying to make something good out of the terrible things people keep doing to us. or...i don't know. i'm kind of new to all of this, to be honest."

"i think that was very wise, holly," violet said supportively.

"it was," laura agreed. "so many unfair things have happened to everyone here, but we've made good come out of it. atticus, you are so good, so kind, despite everything you've been through. and you always have us, all of us. you all do. nothing could ever change that. no matter how many terrible things happen, nothing could ever change how much we love each other, and that is the very best thing."

[wolfbaenes]

cole smiled at allison and nodded, conveying both her appreciation for the help and her understanding. cole didn't need to be a werewolf or anything other than a member of this pack to know exactly how allison felt; she felt it, too. she wanted nothing more than to pack all of atticus's hurts into a box and take them far away from her, right along with everyone else's. she wanted to take all of their suffering and make it her own, keep them from ever having to feel any of it. but it wasn't something she could do. it wasn't something any of them could do, not the werewolves or even beth; even if those feelings were siphoned away, the memories and scars would always be there. the past could not be changed, not even by people as powerful and innovative as them.

across the circle, daryl took beth’s hand. he knew how hard this conversation was for him; he couldn’t imagine how hard it was for her. he couldn’t imagine the pain she was feeling, from herself and the rest of the pack. he couldn’t take her pain, but he could hand her hand through it.

atticus looked at theo and jackson in surprise; she looked at all of them and realized that the entire pack, even scott, who abhorred violence and death, seemed to be completely behind the idea of killing the ipswich coven. and she felt her eyes growing wet again from the sheer force of how loved she was. talking about her life back in ipswich had momentarily taken her back to that place; to the mindset of the thirteen-year-old child who was so alone with no one but her big sister in her corner. speaking about it reminded her so much of the loneliness and tragedy of who she used to be that she almost thought she was still that girl.

but she wasn't. the atticus back in ipswich had only been loved by one person, who was still a child herself; the atticus in beacon hills was swathed in the almost suffocating love of countless people who could and would suffer anything just to make sure that she was okay. it was so incongruent with who she used to be that she almost didn't believe it.

she did believe it. she had no choice; not when their love was staring her directly in the face, pressed in around her from all sides.

she exhaled a laugh, quiet and sad. "is it... is it stupid that i'm still scared of them? even after all of this time?"

"fear doesn't do that," danny said quietly. "it doesn't just go away because you ran away. if you know something's out there, then it's going to scare you, no matter how much distance you put between you."

atticus looked over at him. she didn't know how danny was feeling, but that didn't necessarily surprise her. he was one of the pack members who tended to keep his feelings on a leash, always in control of them. she leaned into that stability now, even though it tended to worry her. she wondered if he was speaking towards her situation or one of his own. "do we have to face it to make it stop?" she asked, small and hesitant.

danny breathed out a laugh of his own, a smile curving his lips. "god, i hope not." after a second, he added, "they say the only way out is through, but i don't know what that means when it comes to abusive cults."

"i'm scared," dominic offered. "the thought of the salem coven finding us, that freaks me the fuck out every single day. i don't know if they're looking for us, but i don't... i don't know, attie. i don't know if i can ever feel safe until i know that they won't hurt us or anyone else ever again. i'm not trying to make the decision for you, but... i know what conclusion comforts me when it comes to the salem coven. whatever that conclusion is for you and your sister and that coven, it's okay to ask for it. nothing you want makes you a bad person or a coward, either way."

atticus nodded slowly, more to herself than anyone else. "i don't think i care what happens to them," she confessed. "i don't care if they live or die. my parents, my grandparents, teachers, preachers... so many of them were elders in the coven, they had power. they knew what was happening to me. and the only person who stopped it was nina." it was funny, sort of. she was the one who was ill, physically and mentally; spiritually, they'd said. but the rot that existed in that town ran far deeper than herself. she wasn't the sick one at all, in comparison. "i'm terrified that they'll hurt her. terrified that some other kid is going to be gay or bi or⎯⎯or their magic won't work like everyone else's. what happens to that kid? to the one who doesn't have a big sister who'd give up anything for them?"

"they have you," alicia said. "everyone who makes it out of a bad situation, they don't always have a big brother or sister to save them, but they always have someone. us chimeras had theo; isaac had jackson; everyone at eichen had us. those kids in ipswich, the ones who don't have a nina... they have you."

derek didn't speak. he wanted to tell alicia that it wasn't fair to put that pressure on atticus, that she shouldn't have to play the hero against her own abusers. but he saw the way atticus shifted in the face of alicia's words. he saw all of that fear that'd been creeping into her expression wash away, filled with something much more familiar. because atticus porter was not one who cowered in fear, even when it was justified; she was a person who loved, loudly and fully and violently. she was a person who'd face all of her devils if it meant other people could be safe.

"they have me," she echoed. "and i have you. right?"

"always," alicia promised. "every single one of us, until the end of time."

"we have each other," hini said. "we have you, and nina, too. whatever decision you make, that won't change."

atticus nodded again, eyes to the ground. when she looked up, she looked more like herself than she had in months. "then i want to burn them to the ground," she decided. "the ipswich coven and the salem coven⎯⎯they both need a massive revamp. and i know what would conclusion i want for the elders of the ipswich coven." and, finally, she smiled for real; it wasn't a large one, but it was real. "i've always wanted to be part of a coup d'etat."

"i wasn't aware you knew what that meant," liam said, though the words were as warm as they ever were. "but... do you?" he nodded his head towards violet. "do you want to try getting in touch with your sister?"

atticus bit her lip. "...if we're going to take them down⎯⎯if i'm going to face them anyway, then yeah. i want my sister back."

"then we'll get her back," scott promised. "we'll figure it out. and your meds, too," he agreed with jackson. "if that's what you want."

atticus hesitated again. "i don't... that's a lot of work, isn't it? figuring out how to make mood stabilizers."

"attie, i make prescriptions and alcohol for werewolves," lydia reminded her. "i made a cure for a plague in, like, two days. making your meds the way they're supposed to be made, no special dressings, is nothing i can't handle. it's something i want to do," she amended, wrapping her hand around jackson's. she had never expected to find herself in the position that she was in, a pseudo pharmacist for their pack, but she didn't hate it at all. if this was something she could do for them, for jackson and atticus, then she would do it forever without complaint. "if it's what you want, then i'll do it. it's not work if it's you."

"then..." atticus smiled a bit and nodded. "okay, i'd... yeah. we can talk about it? and⎯and holly, i⎯" she shook her head, but she understood. if the roles were reversed, she thought she would carry that guilt around for a long time, too. "i don't regret a single moment that has passed since thanksgiving. not when they all brought us closer to you. i love having you in my life. i love you. even when i feel nothing, i love you. and i'd get hurt a million times for you. so it really is okay. i promise."

allison smiled over at cole gratefully as she spoke. "i think that sounds like a great idea. i'll help you, if you want, cole," she offered. she tried to ignore the gnawing pit in her stomach, the red spot on her hand where she kept digging her thumbnail into her palm. she hated when any of her friends suffered; she hated knowing that they were in pain and that there was nothing she could do about it. as futile and impossible as it was, allison felt so responsible for making everything okay for everyone, that it felt like agony when any of her friends were hurting. any anger that should have rightfully been directed at the dread doctors, at eichen house, at the ipswich coven, all turned inward instead, daggers pointed directly at her heart. she should have protected her. she should have done more. done better. allison wished, sickeningly, desperately, for the nth time, that she could absorb all of the pain her friends felt, take it all on for herself. they didn't deserve this; attie didn't deserve this.

cass let out a soft sound; a snarl of rage and a hiss of pain. iron sulfate was to witches what wolfsbane was to werewolves; they were poisoning her to death with it. the rage was self-explanatory enough; not for the first time, she thought, she might burn the ipswich coven to the ground if given the chance. she caught bailey's eyes for a moment, and in them saw flames that mirrored her own rage. bailey, for all her sweetness and innocence, cass knew, would tear the world apart at the seams for attie. her hold on attie's hand tightened gently, and bailey snuggled a bit closer to her as she continued to speak.

a protective hush seemed to descend over all of them as atticus spoke. everyone drew together, drew towards her, wishing collectively they could make things better, make things different. beth tugged her sleeve down over her wrist before tugging at the collar of her shirt to cover the bruise blooming at her clavicle, eyes on atticus all the while.

the silence continued for a moment, and then theo cleared his throat. "so," he said, in that calm, controlled tone that usually meant he was teetering on the edge of some violent outburst. "do you want us to kill them for you?" his voice was conversational; if anyone didn't know him, they might have done a double-take; despite his words, he sounded as though he was asking about the weather, or what someone's plans were for the next day.

"because we can kill them for you," jackson agreed. "it makes sense, why you would be hesitant about medication, especially after all of that. is there anyone who could make medicine for you that you would feel comfortable taking? i just know i feel safer with lydia helping me with mine," he explained gently.

jackson's ocd had all but wrecked his life for most of it, and just when it had fallen under some semblance of control, the bite had rendered his medication all but useless. he didn't know what he would have done without lydia. he understood completely why atticus would be anxious about trusting another doctor or another set of pills, but he couldn't help but wonder if there was something lydia or someone else could do for her that would help her feel more at ease.

"you can talk about your sister to us any time," violet assured attie. "but...attie...do you want to try to talk to your sister?" she couldn't help but think how she would feel if she was apart from her sisters for even a month, let alone as long as atticus had been away from her sister. "maybe...maybe we can help you get in touch with her again? if you want to, of course?"

"but i am sorry," holly said softly. "i didn't want anyone else to suffer. none of us did. i'm so sorry that you were hurt in the process of rescuing us. it isn't fair to you."

[wolfbaenes]

atticus smiled softly at beth's question. it amazed xochitl that she was still smiling, despite all that she'd said. she wondered how atticus could find it in herself to remain so kind and giving, even though it seemed so much had been taken from her.

"i feel other things," atticus confirmed, knitting her fingers through bailey's and smiling over at lucy and allison before speaking to beth. xochitl got the feeling that, if she could, atticus would take every hand that was extended towards her, sink into every hug that the pack clearly wanted to give her. she had done that; xochitl had seen for herself the way these people all leaned into each other's touch without thought or reservation. it amazed her every day; she just hadn't known it was so much of a struggle for atticus to actually feel what they were extending towards her. atticus nodded, more to herself than to anyone else. "i go on dates with cass, or i hang out with one of you, or i make cookies with lucy, and i am⎯i feel like i'm happier than i've ever been, you know? but the thing is that those moments end. and then i'm back in my own body, and that feeling, that joy, it goes away from me, and..."

atticus turned her eyes back to the sky and pressed her lips together. it almost hurt to watch her; liam wished, for the first time ever, that atticus would just cry. instead, she let out a breath and shook her head.

"obviously, i'm not asking anyone to be with me all the time or to keep me out of my head for every second. even if i wanted that, it's not possible, and i⎯i don't want that, i don't want anyone to stretch themselves out to make me feel like a person again. but i reach those moments when i'm not happy anymore, and the drop is so... it's so significant. going from this mountainous high to such a low that there is nothing down there, that's just⎯⎯" her lips thinned to the point of whitening and she glared down at the grass. "those days are the worst. and some days, i don't feel anything at all, not for⎯⎯for hours, or maybe even the whole day. and i try to keep telling myself that the day will be over and i'll feel again, but the fear that i won't is... when i feel it, it is so overpowering, i can't even think around it."

"i have a question," elliot said. "maybe an insensitive one, but... attie, are you still taking your meds?"

atticus paused before shaking her head. "not anymore."

"okay," elliot said simply.

"they even me out⎯⎯the mood stabilizers. i stopped taking them when i... during that month. i thought maybe something would come back to me if i did. and now i'm scared that if i start again, then i'll..." she shook her head again. "i don't know. i'm sorry."

"there's nothing to be sorry for," elliot promised. "i didn't ask because i think taking them or not taking them is the right thing. i just know that they do affect your moods sometimes, and i was wondering if that could be a factor."

"maybe we can find a psychiatrist for you?" cole offered. "i know it's hard to talk about these things, given our situation, but... so many therapists give online sessions, even from afar. and there are sanctuary cities for supernaturals⎯i'm sure we can find a therapist or psychiatrist in one of those cities who'll take you. i'm not sure if that'll make much of a difference, but getting a professional opinion on whether the meds might help or not could ease some of that anxiety around going back on them?"

atticus considered it for a moment, before giving another strained but relieved smile. cole had been one of the most hands-on helpers in her recovery; it was the big sister instinct in her, she'd joked. she'd want someone to take care of lucy, if she was going through this, and she'd be damned if atticus didn't have help, too. every day, atticus was thankful for cole's help⎯⎯for all of their help. "i'd really like that, actually."

cole smiled at her. "yeah? okay. we can do some digging into sanctuaries, find someone who you can be totally honest with. we can figure it out, i promise. i'll start looking as soon as we finish up here."

atticus gave her another grateful smile, then looked at holly as the chimera spoke. the question, despite being perfectly understandable, made atticus pause for just a bit. it wasn't often that she ever spoke about her sister. not because she didn't want to, but because they'd agreed it was safer not to. but this was the safest space atticus had ever resided in; the only safe space she'd ever known.

"my sister," she began, "nina⎯she's three years older than me, and she's still in ipswich. i left ipswich when i was a freshman, um⎯⎯i tried to kill myself," she said, softening her tone. this wasn't a part that she'd ever really spoken about before; a few people in the pack knew, but not many. it wasn't a part of her history that she was particularly fond of. "i'm not depressed," she reassured everyone. she'd always been transparent about her struggles with autism and borderline personality disorder; she would have told them if she were depressed, too. "and i'm not actively suicidal, or even passively so. my coven was drugging me; iron sulfate, which is... poison, basically, for witches. i was an outed lesbian and my magic wasn't⎯isn't normal. and my coven was... puritan, really. very strict and conservative, and nothing about me was passable."

she pulled in a deep breath. it amazed daryl, honestly; he felt like he hadn't breathed at all since she'd started speaking. he knew, of course, that some of the pack had attempted to take their own lives before. some of them still had scars from it; some of them were honest about it, for the sake of making sure it never happened again. that didn't make it any easier to hear about it, especially from the ones that hadn't been open about it before.

"i was... i don't know, thirteen? i was thirteen when they started drugging me, but i didn't know it. the pharmacist i went to, back in ipswich⎯he was part of the coven. pretty much everyone was. so he knew, and... he started lacing my mood stabilizers with iron sulfate. and when i started to feel wrong, they just gave me antidepressants with iron sulfate. they were killing my magic, and a witch is only as alive as her magic is, so..." she looked down at her hands, wrapped around bailey's and cass's. "it's why i'm only good for communicating with the nemeton now. i can still do magic, of course⎯powerful magic, even. but i can't do the things that i used to.

"anyway⎯⎯the pills were killing me, everything about me. and i just didn't..." she bit her lip and shook her head. "i didn't want to die like that. sick and weak and surrounded by people who hated me anyway. so i..." after a moment, she cleared her throat and smiled again, reassuring. "i didn't go through with it. my sister, nina, she⎯she was everything to me. she was the only person who still loved me, honestly. so i told her what i'da lmost done. i was fifteen, she was, like, eighteen, and she was the only person i could talk to. she was actually the one who figured out what was happening with my pills. she was amazing," she said, a small smile on her face.

"so we, um. she, mostly, not me⎯⎯she came up with a plan to get me out safely. and that plan included running away... kind of faking my death. but the only way it would succeed was if she stayed behind. she had to stay; had to make sure no one looked for me or, if they did, make sure that she could warn me. and when it was safe, when we both knew it was safe, then she would come find me. i couldn't tell her where i was back then, and i can't go to ipswich now or ever again, so i haven't... i haven't spoken to her since i left. i mean, we have a way of communicating if there's ever an emergency. if they do come looking for me, or if i need her or she needs me⎯⎯we can talk. we can talk to the earth and the earth will listen and pass the message along. but if i do that, then it's⎯⎯that's pushing the red button, you know? once she finds me, they all do. and, like, honestly, what are the chances that the coven still hates me enough to kill me? i... i don't know. so we promised never to risk it unless we absolutely had to."

jude wrapped her arms around her knees, watching atticus sadly. she didn't have any siblings herself; she'd been in foster homes with other kids before, but she'd been adopted at such a young age that she didn't remember them anymore, and the mayers had never taken in another child. but jude had allison, and just going a few days without talking to allison made her miserable. she couldn't imagine having to go years without talking to her now that she had her. she didn't know if she'd survive that.

"but, um." atticus cleared her throat. "i check in on her sometimes. social media and stuff⎯i don't reach out, but i do see. i know she's okay. and she was, um⎯still is, probably⎯really amazing. funny, and dramatic, and so full of life. the most beautiful person in the entire world, no contest. you know, i wanted to be like her so much when i was younger; she's the reason i got into theater; she's the reason i'm so happy that earth is my element. then, of course, the bpd kicked in and all of those dramatics became, like, a medical concern and whatnot. but nina is⎯⎯she's the most amazing person in ipswich, absolutely. literally the only reason i'm alive. also the reason i'm scared of my meds sometimes, but that's not actually her fault⎯can't shoot the messenger."

she laughed weakly, looking down at her hands again. then she gave holly a smile, wide and grateful. "thank you for asking about her. i don't... i'm always afraid to talk about her, but... i'm glad i got to. and you don't have to thank me or apologize to me for what happened. i'm⎯⎯holly, i would give up everything to make sure that you got to see your sister again." she looked at sebastian and xochitl, too. "and to make sure that you guys got out, got to be free. what i lost is nothing compared to what the world gained just by getting to have you in it. don't apologize to me for that."

"and i cry at these all of the time," lucy added, nodding supportively. her fingers twitched instinctively towards atticus, though they were too far away to touch, as though reaching for her was second nature and stopping herself was the conscious thought. holly watched it in awe, amazed at the physical closeness they all seemed to share. when they were held by the dread doctors, when she was in eichen, their closeness had been whispers between cracks in the walls and underneath doorframes; for all of the love she felt for everyone she had been through so much with, she had never been able to have this kind of physical closeness, not the way the pack did. it was nice, she thought. it was wonderful.

even as atticus spoke, holly couldn't help but notice how in tune with her everyone else was, how closely the seemed to listen, how acutely they seemed to be feeling her pain. lucy's hand reach out again, this time laying palm up in the grass towards atticus, and she leaned closer to her; it seemed like they all did. even as holly's own vision blurred with tears, she wasn't unaware of the fact that others in the circle were crying, too. she didn't miss the way cass and bailey pressed close to either of attie's sides; the way cass rubbed her back comfortingly or the way bailey took her hand, the way cass gently brushed her tears away and bailey smoothed her hair back and played with the ends of her hair soothingly. she didn't miss the agony on cass and bailey's faces as they looked nowhere but at atticus; the way jackson and theo seemed ready to fight some amorphous something that was causing atticus pain.

and she didn't miss the white hot guilt that flashed through her. how could she not feel guilty, knowing that her rescue had come at such a terrible cost, let alone such a terrible cost to someone so kind and loving? attie was nothing but sweet and wonderful and good, and now she was in so much pain, had been for so long, all because of what had happened at eichen.

it wasn't fair.

it wasn't right.

"you can vent any time you need to. to any of us," beth said, and murmurs of agreement echoed around the circle. "it's...a horrible feeling, the one you're describing. when you feel like everything is...far away, or underwater, and you're not even connected to yourself." her thumb brushed, briefly, over the scar on her wrist as she spoke. "and fear is a feeling, but it's not the only one. are there any other times you've felt a glimmer of something, that we can help you hold onto?"

allison nodded. "you've been so brave, attie. your whole life, you have been so brave, even when you shouldn't have had to have been, even when someone should have been being brave for you. so if you need any of us to be brave for you now, to shoulder some of this, we're here. and if there's ever any small thing even that you need, or that one of us can do that will help, we're here to do it. and that's not just now, when things are relatively peaceful, that's all of the time. i promise."

cass, who had tears streaming in slow tracks down her cheeks, whose eyes had never moved away from attie, nodded in agreement. "anything, attie. always."

"always," bailey agreed softly.

"can i...can i say something?" holly asked, her voice small. quinn smiled encouragingly.

"of course. anyone can."

"i...well, first of all, i want to say thank you, and i'm sorry. if it weren't for what you did, we never would have escaped, and i never would have seen my sister again. i owe you my life, and i can never repay that, and i...as grateful as i am, i am also so sorry that finding us meant that all of this happened to you. and it is okay that you wish things had been different, because i do, too. and i am so sorry," she said, her voice shaking. "but if...if we can ask questions...i was wondering...about your sister? i just...well, i was apart from my sister for so long, and what you were saying, about how it felt like everything was taken from you...i know what you mean. and to have everything about who you are taken, and your sister too, it's...it is horrible. and i was wondering if you could tell us more about your sister? if you want to?"

[wolfbaenes]

atticus blinked, surprise flashing across her face at their questions, before her expression softened. "you know, i have a very strict no crying rule for these things," she halfheartedly joked in an obvious bid to stall for time.

"you've not made it through a single one of these without bursting into tears," liam said, softer than he usually spoke to her, allowing her just another moment to gather herself and what she wanted to say.

she exhaled a quiet laugh, her eyes on the grass wrapped around holly's finger. when she looked up, her smile looked⎯pained, almost. as if something that had been buried for a long time had been unearthed, and she was having a harder time pushing it back where it came from. but, scott supposed, it never belonged there in the first place. "i... i don't think i feel like myself," atticus confessed. "i'm not myself. i feel like i haven't been since⎯since whatever happened that day. it's like..." she trailed off, her eyes venturing up to the empty space above their heads. the fireflies that buzzed lazily around them were a sight to see; they were out of season and fake regardless, but they warmed something in her chest.

how beautiful it was, to have something like this, made just for them. how lucky she was, to have such a talented and creative family.

"my eating," she began, "is something that i struggled with back in ipswich. it was⎯that was something i could control, you know? my coven hated me. my family didn't want me. i wasn't even allowed to touch my magic. but what i ate, if i ate, that was mine⎯my choice. and i've worked... so hard over the years to do better. because i love myself regardless of who doesn't love me; and i deserve to take care of this body of mine. that was within my control, too. then⎯⎯then thanksgiving happened, and suddenly, it wasn't. my appetite wasn't something i could control anymore. it wasn't about denying myself anything or rewarding myself, my body just⎯nothing belonged to me. and i wanted to be angry about that, i want to be angry, but there is just⎯" she exhaled roughly and, despite her joke, there was a clear sheen of tears in her eyes. "there is nothing there."

the moment sat for a bit, silence echoing throughout the circle. "for a month, there was nothing," she continued. "i didn't feel anything. i had those moments, you know, those good moments where i could smile and dance and be my annoying self. but those were, like... drops of ink in this vast ocean of⎯of time where i didn't feel a single thing. i wasn't happy, i wasn't sad. i wasn't angry, or scared, or frustrated, or tired, or hungry. i couldn't feel anything. and it's like⎯⎯it's like i was watching a movie. i was watching you guys try to convince me to eat. i was watching you try to make me smile. but it's like the person you guys were trying to reach wasn't even me. that person, that girl you were trying so hard to keep alive, she was a stranger. and i couldn't even cry over her, because i had no emotional stake in what happened to her. and i⎯" she sniffled, looking down at her hands.

"every morning, i wake up, right? and there is this... this moment, where i don't feel anything. you know, that moment when you're not really awake yet, you're still mostly asleep, so the world doesn't really exist yet? i wake up, and i have that moment, and i am... i'm terrified that the rest of the day is going to feel like that." her voice cracked around the words, but her tears stubbornly stayed in place. scott wondered if she'd cried at all since thanksgiving; he wondered if she didn't let herself or if she just didn't feel enough for it. "every single day. i wake up and there is this paralyzing moment where i think i'm not going to feel anything again. that i'm going to be that⎯that empty strange person in the movie again. and the terror helps," she laughed wetly. "i didn't⎯⎯back then, i didn't feel scared of anything. you know, being scared of not feeling anything is a feeling. but it's like there is this part of me that was taken and i don't know how to get it back. some days, my appetite still isn't there, and it is like swallowing mud and ash just to get a few bites down. and i smile because i'm supposed to, and i laugh because i'm scared of what i'll do if i don't. scared that if i don't at least fake those feelings, then they'll really never come back to me."

"oh, attie," kira said quietly. she didn't mean to say it; in general, they tried not to interrupt each other. but the words slipped out before she could stop them; not that atticus seemed to notice.

the witch bit her bottom lip, staring down at the blankets beneath them as if they could fix her. "i'd go through it again," she said after a few moments. "if that's what it takes to⎯to find you guys, to bring everyone home, then okay. i'll give up all of those parts of me, i'll feel empty for the rest of my life, if i have to. because i love you more than i love being the person that i was. but is it⎯is it selfish that i wish it didn't have to be a choice? does it make me a bad person to wish that we could have met holly and sebastian and xochie⎯that we could've helped all of those people, could've still done the right thing⎯and i could still be that person?"

her eyes landed, almost automatically, on lydia, who didn't waste a moment in shaking her head. "honey, that's not selfish at all. you can love the people in your life and still hate the circumstances that brought them to you." god knew that she did. she loved her pack with all that she had, but if she could erase winter formal from her history, then she would do it in a heartbeat.

atticus turned her eyes back to the sky and rolled her lips together. she blinked, fireflies reflected in her gaze, and sniffled. "i just feel so empty," she admitted, as quiet as sin. "sometimes, i don't feel anything at all. i feel like someone took me out of myself and what i'm left with isn't something i can live with. and i⎯⎯i miss my sister."

heather tried not to let her shock show; in all of the time that she'd known atticus, she'd never so much as spoken about her family. heather knew, just like everyone everyone else, that atticus's life before the pack hadn't been good. but she hadn't even known atticus had a sister, let alone one that she missed.

atticus shook her head, wrapping her hands around her hot chocolate mug and staring down at it. "i feel like every part of me has been taken away from me, like i have⎯like i've lost my sense of agency, if i ever had any. my magic, my appetite, my personality, my emotions⎯⎯she was taken from me, too. and i know she's fine, i know she's safe there, but i just..." she shook her head again. "i don't know. it's like nothing that i lost ever comes back to me. and i've made those sacrifices and i've been okay with them, because every sacrifice has brought good into someone else's life, but i keep thinking that eventually, i won't have anything left to sacrifice. there is nothing else to take from me besides you guys and my life, if i have to give up one of those things, it is an obvious choice. and i hate that i'm not scared to make it any more."

she passed the heel of her thumb beneath her nose and sniffled once more before smiling again. "all of that said, i am passing the baton," she said. "i welcome questions, but if no one has any, then anyone else is free to go next. thank you all for listening to me."

"i don't know if this is a stupid question," scott said, "but is there anything we can do to help you?"

atticus shrugged her shoulders. "it's not stupid, scotty, i just... i don't know. i really... really don't. i wish i did. i'm sorry. i think i just needed to vent a little bit."

cass gazed up at atticus as she spoke, her expression full of love and admiration. bailey stole a peak at her before propping her chin back on her hand and continuing to listen to attie, too, but it made her heart feel like it was swelling with joy, seeing cass look at attie like that; like she'd hung the very moon and stars in the sky. attie was amazing; she was so full of love and light and kindness in spite of everything she had been through, and she was so brilliant and strong and talented. seeing cass see that in atticus, seeing her look at her with so much adoration and admiration, almost made bailey want to cry it made her so happy.

"i think i understand," holly spoke up. as she did, she plucked at a blade of grass that was poking up between the blankets and wrapped it around her finger a few times, making a little green ring. "but i think...i mean, different things will come up for everyone...right? because what happened is so different for everyone."

"that's right," illiana nodded reassuringly. "and that's alright, too. this is a way for us to not only work through the experiences we've had, but to understand how everyone else is feeling, and what they've gone through. even if we can't fully understand certain things, certain experiences, when we know what things have been like for one another, we're better able to be there to support one another. of course," she added, "just as atticus has said, no one ever has to share anything they're not comfortable sharing, nor do they have to answer a question if they're uncomfortable asking."

holly nodded, chewing at the inside of her cheek. theo stretched out a hand to rest on her knee, and she glanced up at him, smiling.

"if you really are okay with going first, attie," theo began. "i actually would like to know what it was like for you, when everything on thanksgiving happened. it was different for all of us, right? but that was what started all of this." he looked at where his hand was on holly's knee, then leaned back minutely, trying to press closer to danny, trying to feel safer, more grounded. this was one of the scariest parts for him; one of the hardest things. it was hard not to flinch away from it, but he didn't want to. not anymore. "you felt it more than the rest of us, though. and you were still feeling it, even after the rest of us started to feel better, at least physically."

a murmur went up through the pack, a soft-spoken hum of agreement. everyone had been afraid initially, of course; everyone had then been frantic to help attie, frantic to help holly. they'd used their talents and skills where they could; they had tried to keep atticus cool and comfortable, had tried to make things she would be able to eat, had tried to be there to support her, to help her with anything she needed. at the same time, they had tried to track down holly in every way that they could; all of their tracking skills, their magic, their research skills, had been put to work. they had done their best, but, as theo had said, it was because their recovery time from what had happened on thanksgiving had been significantly shorter than attie's had been. and though it had been asked about or talked about here and there, the truth remained that they had not, at the time, for a myriad of reasons, been able to fully understand what atticus had gone through. she hadn't been able to fully articulate it, they had been trying to help her, help holly...but the worry that everyone had experienced lingered through the holidays and into the spring.

"if you're comfortable talking about it, i would want to know, too," lucy said softly and gently.

"and it's a good place to start," jackson added. "begin at the beginning and all of that. if you're comfortable with it, attie," he added, careful not to sound too pushy. he wanted to know, but he also didn't want to upset atticus, especially after she was doing all of this for them.

[wolfbaenes]

xochitl gave her brother a small smile, but otherwise allowed herself to be dragged into the circle on brynn’s arm. she didn’t always quite know how to orient herself with this pack; they were kind in ways that she didn’t know she would ever be used to, and they seemed to genuinely care for her and sebastian—but that wasn’t something xochitl had been raised to expect. it wasn’t something she knew if she would ever come to expect or take for granted.

brynn patted the spot beside her as she sat down next to cora and ana, xochitl taking up the seat on brynn’s other side and tugging her brother down beside her. she wrapped an arm around his and watched as the pack interacted around them.

the love between them all was so obvious, it was almost—suffocating. there was nowhere to breathe outside of their affection because it stretched to every corner, swallowed up every particle of air. the only love xochitl had ever known was her brother’s, and it was no less great than what existed here, but it was certainly different. there was something to be said about the sheer size of the pack and their ability to somehow leave no stone unturned, loving each other fully and equally and loudly.

“i’m coming, i’m coming!” atticus said, hurrying out to the backyard in a unicorn onesie, the knit bunny that colette had made for her a few years ago in hand, along with a bag of items and the santa claus mug that she’d broken and magicked back together no less than six times over the years. she sat down between cass and bailey, miraculously managing not to spill her hot chocolate on herself. (if only because she would feel bad asking laura to make her another cup; it would be her fourth. in her defense, she’d actually drank the other cups. she’d also burned every inch of her mouth in the process, but that was neither here nor there.) she blew over the top of her mug and looked around the circle. “who are we waiting for? just a few others?”

“i think so, yeah,” scott said, dropping down into a seat. daryl swatted at scott, but the werewolf dodged the hit and stuck his tongue out at him before scrambling to the other side of the circle for safety. he snickered, wrapping his arms loosely around his knees. “cam and laura are feeding jude and i think malia’s waiting on them, but they should be out in a second. nice onesie, attie!”

atticus grinned, twisting around as best she could to show off the design. “why, thank you! i pouted until maggie agreed to buy it for me.”

“saying you pouted is actually being very generous,” maggie muttered. “you literally cried for three hours because i said you’d have to wait until your birthday. you had a panic attack so bad, we almost called an ambulance before i said i’d buy it that night. then you were perfectly fine.”

heather blinked curiously. “isn’t that emotional manipulation?”

“it is,” elliot confirmed, “and atticus is a master at it. i’ve never met anyone better.”

atticus flipped her hair over her shoulder. “it’s a gift!”

the others finally drifted out into the backyard, taking their seats where they were comfortable. jude sat between malia and camden, shoveling food into her mouth at an alarming rate so that the bugs wouldn’t get it first. camden held a bottle of water in hand, prepared for the inevitable moment when she started choking on something. cecelia sat beside violet, offering her a bite of the muffin she’d snagged on her way out of the kitchen.

once everyone had taken their spots and the chatter had died down to less than a murmur, atticus gave the group a smile. “are we all ready?”

“as ready as we ever are,” liam muttered. dominic bumped their shoulders together lightly.

“cool.” atticus covered her drink with a tupperware lid she’d snagged from the pantry and set it down. the grass was covered in blankets so that no one had to sit in dirt or anything, and they’d made sure it wasn’t damp. they’d done all that they could to make this as comfortable as possible, an effort that xochitl had to commend. atticus rested her palms on her knees. “okay! we haven’t done this in—forever, it feels like. so i’m going to go over how this works, and then we’ll get started.”

everyone nodded and voiced their assent before atticus spoke again. “as usual, i’m going to pass out notepads and pens; these are not a requirement, they’re just in case you want to write something down so you don’t forget.” she took a pen and pad herself, then passed the bag to the left so that everyone could reach in and take their own. “and—usually, i’d pose a question for the night. but it’s been a while since we’ve done this, so i am going to give a more general prompt. if we do things the way we normally do, then i’ll go first to break the ice, and then we can just go in whatever order feels right—whoever wants to speak up has permission to do so. you’re free to ask questions, but remember that the person you are asking may not feel comfortable answering that question or any question, and that is totally okay. also, no one is required to speak up at all; this is totally voluntary, it’s just a way for us to talk about the things that we otherwise can’t make conversation of and connect with each other while we’re doing it.

“i said a long time ago,” she continued, “that we’re reclaiming this space, this town. a lot has happened that we’ve kind of forced ourselves to move on from. the point of a moon circle is to reconnect with ourselves and each other. it’s about building our pack and healing together. that’s not going to look the same for all of us, but it’s important that we do it together. it’s also important to remember that we deal with these hardships and uncomfortable moments in our own ways—we laugh and joke about things, we shut down, we change the subject. obviously, i encourage everyone to stay in the moment and feel what the conversation asks you to feel, but ultimately, you know i want you to take care of yourself. if that means stepping away for a little bit, going to grab a bite or a drink—whatever it is, go for it. because i love you and what i want, more than anything, is for you to be okay.”

atticus was incredible, xochitl thought. she was all over the place on a normal day, but she seemed so in control of herself now. and she meant every word she said; she meant it with such ease that xochitl had to blink back stars from the force of her love. she wondered how anyone could possibly have that much love in them.

“of course, at any time, you can ask me questions,” atticus continued. “as the moon circle leader, it is my responsibility to answer those questions and protect your comfort. it will be uncomfortable, because we’re talking about the things that have been making us uncomfortable. but i still have a duty and a responsibility to you, so if there is ever a moment where you need anything from me, then you can always tell me. i know this is a lot at once, but as we get the rhythm of it, it’ll be a little less overwhelming, at least in that regard. is everyone okay so far?”

there were more murmurs of reassurances. alicia leaned against boyd’s side, knees drawn up. she liked the moon circles just as much as the next person, but they were an emotional rollercoaster and she never quite felt prepared for them.

atticus released a breath. “okay. so, the prompt that i’m posing tonight is just—we’ve gone through so much in the past, what, year? from finding camden and ana to meeting heather and holly and xochie and sebastian—i feel like we haven’t dealt with a Big Bad™, but there has been so much change. and i’d argue that all of it has been good change, but it’s still so much to deal with. and i guess what i want to ask is just—how is everyone dealing with that? when you think about all that’s happened, what comes up for you? and i usually go first to break the ice, but if anyone else wants to, that is totally okay!” she smiled gently. “are there any questions, comments, or concerns before we start? would anyone else like to go first? there’s no pressure to do that if you aren’t up for it. remember, everything about this is completely voluntary and no one will hold it against you if you choose not to speak at all.”

sebastian stood at the perimeter of the bubble set up be cecelia and cass, staring at it in wonder. he slowly moved his hand forward, feeling a sensation of warmth wash over it; not so warm that it was uncomfortable or even all that noticeable at first, but rather a gentle warmth, like the sun on a warm summer day. he drew his hand back, marveling at the way the slightly chilly march night air fell back over him again. "whoa," he murmured to himself, stretching his hand outwards again.

"it's pretty cool, isn't it?" beth asked with a smile as she approached sebsatian. sebastian turned to look at her, a smile spreading across his own face.

"very cool. well, warm," he amended, and beth laughed quietly.

"that was all cee and cass," she explained. "the candles are cass, too." dozens of candles sat together in groups, flickering away in the night air. "they'll stay just like that for as long as we need them."

"is everything out here magic?" sebastian asked, only half-joking. beth smiled even more brightly.

"in one way or another. i think everything is magic, in it's own way."

sebastian considered that as he looked around them, glancing up to see what looked like little glittering, glowing orbs twinkling in the sky above them.

"i thought there weren't fireflies here," he said, confused. "and isn't it a little early for them, if there are? i thought they came out in summer."

"that's violet," beth said, looking proudly over at her sister, who was currently engaged in an enthusiastic conversation with brynn. "they're just an illusion. but they're pretty cool too, aren't they?"

"very," sebastian agreed.

before he could say anything else or ask any further questions, he stepped back as bailey passed between them, carrying both quinn and two sets of blankets. quinn herself was carrying five different stuffed animals, and was laughing so hard she could hardly breathe.

"i told you i could carry you! i'm literally so strong!" bailey said happily, though she sounded out of breath; whether that was from her own laughter or from exertion was up for debate, but she would personally argue it was the former if anyone tried to actually debate her.

"do you want to go in, too? i promise, it's just the same as walking anywhere else in the yard," beth assured sebastian. "it's just a little warmer, that's all."

sebastian smiled, expression creased with relief; there was so much he still had to get used to, so much he was uncertain about. he appreciated it when people took the time to reassure him like this. nodding, he stepped into the warmth of the bubble alongside beth. she was right; it was exactly the same, but different, all at once. even just being in the bubble felt comforting. he looked around for his sister, and beth touched his arm gently, pointing out xochitl for him.

still outside the bubble, lucy and alicia appeared to be trying to teach boyd and isaac the choreography to one of taylor swift's eras tour performances. they were all giggling, and jackson smiled at them as he passed by before wrapping an arm around lydia's shoulders.

"hey, lydia and i are perfectly good emotional support parents, too!"

"you're the opposite of emotional support," stiles said helpfully as he carried ana into the circle on his back. "you're emotional damage."

"go fuck yourself," jackson said cheerfully, and ana laughed, hopping down from stiles's back and flopping down next to cora. boyd wrapped an arm around lee as the four dancers made their way into the circle, too, and laura busied herself making sure everyone had a beverage and something to eat if they wanted anything.

"so how does this work, exactly?" holly asked quietly. she was nestled up against heather, arm linked through her sisters. she loved the pack; how could she not, after everything? but not knowing what was going to happen always put her a little on edge.

"atticus will explain everything," patariki assured her calmly. "she's a wonderful moon circle leader. and you don't have to participate if you don't feel comfortable, or even if you don't want to."

holly smiled tentatively; it still felt so unreal, to have that kind of option. she snuggled a little closer to her sister.

"where is our fearless leader, anyway? attie! ATTIE!" bailey shouted, making no move to get up, but rolling sideways on the grass to look for her.

allison sat down next to derek, touching his arm gently and looking up at him. she gave him a soft smile, waiting for the others to join them, too.