#pajulintu chirps

[pajulintu]

I think I'm having some kind of mentally unstable phase going on

[pajulintu]

sorry in advance i'm probably becoming insufferable

my crankiness is cranking up each time i am in pain and i am currently in pain most of the time

i do not know how people keep sane (and calm!!) with constant pain like holy shit why does it not stop and how tf not to be constantly upset. i'm either on the verge of tears or pissed off like at least 50% of the time currently

[pajulintu]

Me: "so glad I'm cured from my depression"

Also me: scores a whopping 12 from the WHO-5

[pajulintu]

Can't say I'm excited about joining the chronic pain gang

[pajulintu]

me calling myself an arctic girlie is actually misinformation, but i truly believe the few hundred kilometres between me and the arctic circle do not matter to most people i interact with here

like if you live someplace that grows lemons or some shit or do not completely lose dark night times for several months every year it's gonna be close enough to you I'd think

[pajulintu]

brainchemistry pls

[pajulintu]

once againi am NOT supposed to have period cramps MUCH LESS BLEED fuck my life

[pajulintu]

Approaching my first christmas since therapy ended, i am NOT coping♥️

[pajulintu]

the thing i will never forgive my primary/middle school (mostly the teachers, less the idiot bullying kids) for is making me violent.

i used to bite down to my arms before falling asleep, the red marks sometimes visible in the morning, to restrict myself from beating my bully up. i would walk on a crowded hallway and she'd be right there in front of me, and i would imagine grabbing her backpack so that she'd fall down, and breaking her spine. jumping on her stomach til her internal organs would break.

at that point my parents had contacted the school over the years several times about my bullying. i would be sat in a low lighting room with my homeroom teacher and parents present while the teacher explained how i was just bad at taking a joke. how the other kids didn't mean anything by it (no matter that i was treated as dirty, everything i touched would be nasty and disgusting; no matter that i was treated a subhuman for a decade).

when i get powerlessly angry i still imagine. i imagine beating my partner's abuser with a baseball bat until they bleed, until they would learn not to drive other people into ruins (that kind of people never learn). when i'm desperate and upset my first thought is to break a mirror and swallow the pieces.

i have been broken in several ways, but the violence is the only thing that disturbs me; how easily thoughts of it sleep right under my skin, how easily it rises. in physical actions its victim is always me (and isn't that convenient: teach a human that it's nothing, and it will attack and destroy itself), and i am aware of the difference between compulsive thoughts and actual real world actions. but god i wish i could be free.

[pajulintu]

anyway guess who finally finished watching his dark materials yesterday

[pajulintu]

god i hate having mommy issues

[pajulintu]

Also if I caught something and am falling ill again after having a bad case of cold and periods back-to-back I am going to scream no matter if my throat will let me or not

[pajulintu]

Every week i am hoping for a lottery win even more desperately than i did the week before

It's the only kind of prayer i still have in me

[pajulintu]

Well well well. An actual depressive episode?

[pajulintu]

Holy shit Encanto hits me on all of my five feelings

[pajulintu]

*walks up to a lesbian couple* so which one of you is the cocoro and which is the momona