#pajulintu chirps
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pajulintu · 2 days ago
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Alright so mom got very sick 20+ years ago and was not able to graduate uni and has been on chronic illness benefits ever since right
Five-ish years ago she was finally able to graduate after studying slowly but surely towards her degree (thanks to better student rights back when she started, in her time once you were in uni you were in and had a right to finish your degree no matter how slowly it happened — no such grace for my generation) and three-ish years ago the unbelieveable and unlikely happened and she started getting visibly better???? After almost two full decades????
Anyway so she just left our house to get the final official aptitude test she'll need for her field because she's got a job lined up next year. She's entering full-time workforce for the first time in her 50s.
Huh.
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pajulintu · 5 days ago
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the there's still a long life left to erase these feelings part of yui's again hit me today like a truck
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pajulintu · 15 days ago
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Me and my partner just finished my first playthrough of Dream Daddy, and I gotta say I am very proud of our MC, Guy Adultman, who looked like the type of whom you can never be sure if they're a twink or a lesbian and who ended up dating Mat.
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pajulintu · 9 months ago
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I think I'm having some kind of mentally unstable phase going on
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pajulintu · 1 month ago
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sorry in advance i'm probably becoming insufferable
my crankiness is cranking up each time i am in pain and i am currently in pain most of the time
i do not know how people keep sane (and calm!!) with constant pain like holy shit why does it not stop and how tf not to be constantly upset. i'm either on the verge of tears or pissed off like at least 50% of the time currently
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pajulintu · 1 month ago
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Me: "so glad I'm cured from my depression"
Also me: scores a whopping 12 from the WHO-5
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pajulintu · 2 months ago
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Can't say I'm excited about joining the chronic pain gang
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pajulintu · 3 months ago
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me calling myself an arctic girlie is actually misinformation, but i truly believe the few hundred kilometres between me and the arctic circle do not matter to most people i interact with here
like if you live someplace that grows lemons or some shit or do not completely lose dark night times for several months every year it's gonna be close enough to you I'd think
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pajulintu · 4 months ago
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brainchemistry pls
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pajulintu · 4 months ago
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once againi am NOT supposed to have period cramps MUCH LESS BLEED fuck my life
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pajulintu · 1 year ago
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Approaching my first christmas since therapy ended, i am NOT coping♥️
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pajulintu · 5 months ago
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the thing i will never forgive my primary/middle school (mostly the teachers, less the idiot bullying kids) for is making me violent.
i used to bite down to my arms before falling asleep, the red marks sometimes visible in the morning, to restrict myself from beating my bully up. i would walk on a crowded hallway and she'd be right there in front of me, and i would imagine grabbing her backpack so that she'd fall down, and breaking her spine. jumping on her stomach til her internal organs would break.
at that point my parents had contacted the school over the years several times about my bullying. i would be sat in a low lighting room with my homeroom teacher and parents present while the teacher explained how i was just bad at taking a joke. how the other kids didn't mean anything by it (no matter that i was treated as dirty, everything i touched would be nasty and disgusting; no matter that i was treated a subhuman for a decade).
when i get powerlessly angry i still imagine. i imagine beating my partner's abuser with a baseball bat until they bleed, until they would learn not to drive other people into ruins (that kind of people never learn). when i'm desperate and upset my first thought is to break a mirror and swallow the pieces.
i have been broken in several ways, but the violence is the only thing that disturbs me; how easily thoughts of it sleep right under my skin, how easily it rises. in physical actions its victim is always me (and isn't that convenient: teach a human that it's nothing, and it will attack and destroy itself), and i am aware of the difference between compulsive thoughts and actual real world actions. but god i wish i could be free.
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pajulintu · 5 months ago
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anyway guess who finally finished watching his dark materials yesterday
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pajulintu · 7 months ago
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god i hate having mommy issues
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pajulintu · 9 months ago
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Also if I caught something and am falling ill again after having a bad case of cold and periods back-to-back I am going to scream no matter if my throat will let me or not
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pajulintu · 7 months ago
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Every week i am hoping for a lottery win even more desperately than i did the week before
It's the only kind of prayer i still have in me
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