#pajulintu chirps
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I always feel like I am lying when I apply for jobs I hate it
#it's not lying it's my worksona#i tell myself as i describe my abilities and personality in a workplace compatible way#pajulintu chirps
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Tummy stop hurting challenge (impossible mode)
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started day with pain which continued until evening, ended it with trauma
it is 3am and i would like some goddamn sleep
#pajulintu chirps#either way feeling pretty hopeful about my gyne appointment rn#it is just under three weeks away form a prayer circle everyone#that they will agree to surgery and that there is not anything too difficult to cut off#i would like to keep my womb and intestines in one piece#unforchies i have a feeling there might be some endometrioma growing way too near my digestive system#honestly i feel like at this point if it's NOT endo it is something Worse#but we shall see
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Alright so mom got very sick 20+ years ago and was not able to graduate uni and has been on chronic illness benefits ever since right
Five-ish years ago she was finally able to graduate after studying slowly but surely towards her degree (thanks to better student rights back when she started, in her time once you were in uni you were in and had a right to finish your degree no matter how slowly it happened — no such grace for my generation) and three-ish years ago the unbelieveable and unlikely happened and she started getting visibly better???? After almost two full decades????
Anyway so she just left our house to get the final official aptitude test she'll need for her field because she's got a job lined up next year. She's entering full-time workforce for the first time in her 50s.
Huh.
#this is sooooooooooo identifiable information about me but anyway#what a time to be alive#what the FUCK#imagine spending your whole childhood praying for a miracle#bc shit was DIRE#then losing all hope in your teens#and then in your twenties. the miracle fucking HAPPENS#never thought i'd see her like this ever#pajulintu chirps
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the there's still a long life left to erase these feelings part of yui's again hit me today like a truck
#i have been struggling with trauma a lot lately#but started watching fma: brotherhood with my partner!#can't wait to point fingers and screech about the story's chosen position of nation bad but oh dudes who committed genocide good actually#pajulintu chirps
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Me and my partner just finished my first playthrough of Dream Daddy, and I gotta say I am very proud of our MC, Guy Adultman, who looked like the type of whom you can never be sure if they're a twink or a lesbian and who ended up dating Mat.
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I think I'm having some kind of mentally unstable phase going on
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sorry in advance i'm probably becoming insufferable
my crankiness is cranking up each time i am in pain and i am currently in pain most of the time
i do not know how people keep sane (and calm!!) with constant pain like holy shit why does it not stop and how tf not to be constantly upset. i'm either on the verge of tears or pissed off like at least 50% of the time currently
#looked up the pain scale explanator picture and i go between 3 and 8 most of the time#like. most of the time for the past week for example#in queue for public gynecologist but the public healthcare in here has been slowly crumpled down by right wing for the past 50 years or so#so not really getting my hopes up yet#pajulintu chirps
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Me: "so glad I'm cured from my depression"
Also me: scores a whopping 12 from the WHO-5
#pajulintu chirps#it's. it's situational. im feeling bad bc of my current life situation#://////////#dass 21 gave severe depression mild stress#://#fuck.#tho tracks bc holy shit the amount of hopelessness i've been on lately#also stress and like. uncontrollable trauma memories#:/
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Can't say I'm excited about joining the chronic pain gang
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me calling myself an arctic girlie is actually misinformation, but i truly believe the few hundred kilometres between me and the arctic circle do not matter to most people i interact with here
like if you live someplace that grows lemons or some shit or do not completely lose dark night times for several months every year it's gonna be close enough to you I'd think
#pajulintu chirps#tho i gotta say north summer nights do slap except when you have trouble sleeping bc. no dark#but the way color just seeps off the world during night and everything gets a dreamy quality while you can still see everything perfectly?#unparalleled
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brainchemistry pls
#i know i am not being social enough physically active enough taking care of my immediate surroundings enough#so the drop in mental health is to be expected#BUT it would be easier to do all that if i was not sad and anxious 24/7!!!!#some dopamin and serotonin PLEASE#pajulintu chirps
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once againi am NOT supposed to have period cramps MUCH LESS BLEED fuck my life
#can they just cut me open already#hormones are CLEARLY not enough#love waking up to cramps IM NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE#pajulintu chirps
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Approaching my first christmas since therapy ended, i am NOT coping♥️
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the thing i will never forgive my primary/middle school (mostly the teachers, less the idiot bullying kids) for is making me violent.
i used to bite down to my arms before falling asleep, the red marks sometimes visible in the morning, to restrict myself from beating my bully up. i would walk on a crowded hallway and she'd be right there in front of me, and i would imagine grabbing her backpack so that she'd fall down, and breaking her spine. jumping on her stomach til her internal organs would break.
at that point my parents had contacted the school over the years several times about my bullying. i would be sat in a low lighting room with my homeroom teacher and parents present while the teacher explained how i was just bad at taking a joke. how the other kids didn't mean anything by it (no matter that i was treated as dirty, everything i touched would be nasty and disgusting; no matter that i was treated a subhuman for a decade).
when i get powerlessly angry i still imagine. i imagine beating my partner's abuser with a baseball bat until they bleed, until they would learn not to drive other people into ruins (that kind of people never learn). when i'm desperate and upset my first thought is to break a mirror and swallow the pieces.
i have been broken in several ways, but the violence is the only thing that disturbs me; how easily thoughts of it sleep right under my skin, how easily it rises. in physical actions its victim is always me (and isn't that convenient: teach a human that it's nothing, and it will attack and destroy itself), and i am aware of the difference between compulsive thoughts and actual real world actions. but god i wish i could be free.
#pajulintu chirps#and dont get me started on the violence of words#but that i learned from 'friends'
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anyway guess who finally finished watching his dark materials yesterday
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