#pairing | cruz ft. kash.

[pinkpcny]

the vibe has been strange the entire night, a far cry from the way it was when they were alone, wrapped up together spilling truths neither of them seemed truly ready for. cruz can't help but to wish he'd never come, because it feels like he's on edge, fading into the background so much he feels like he's about to disassociate, drift somewhere else. because it seems like it would be better than feeling out of place, unwanted. like a mistake. finally has enough, starts moving towards the entrance to get backstage, stops in his tracks when he see's kash, hot blonde draped over him like he belongs to her. the sight causes his heart to sink, time slowing down. can't help all the thoughts that run through his mind, the loud doubt that always exaggerates every situation, makes him see more than what's there. " really, kash ? " he chokes out, shoulders slumping in defeat. " if you didn't want me to come you could have just said that. kissing someone and acting like i'm not even here is a shitty move, even for you. " feet are already moving, flight mode kicking in. trickles of a feeling that starts off as sadness and blooms into something worse already felt. " whatever game you're playing, consider me out. " / @ungraceds

[pinkpcny]

never in his existence did he think one implied admission from someone could feel so euphoric, like a hit from a drugs that’s almost too much for him to handle. his head is spinning, heart beating ferociously in his fragile chest. his feet no longer feel like they’re on the ground. may as well be floating as he succumbs, gravitates as close as he can get. chest to chest, heart to heart and still it doesn't feel close enough. kash wants him, and that’s all that cruz wants. it’s been all he’s wanted for as long as he can remember. since the very first glimpse through an open window. an obsession that grew with every sight of someone else in his bed, every sound heard on nights he couldn’t sleep because he was wishing it were him instead. “ fuck, kash, i— ” inhales sharply, skin flushed and cheeks turning pink. he can’t even answer the question because he’s so wrapped up in it. feels like a hunger inside of him that’s so relentless and the only person that can feed it is the man who has him right where he wants him, in his unyielding grip. can't contain his needy whimper as his head is tugged back, fingers wrapped up in his hair. before he knows it his backs against the wall and he's delirious, and not only is the stranger he planned to leave with a thought that isn't in his mind anymore, but neither is anyone else in the establishment. it's only them, their unfinished business. a tension so palpable it touches every inch of the dully lit space, so undeniable there's no way anyone else can be under any delusions that they stand a real chance with either. a switch flips, no more room for denial or playing it cool. needy hands reach out, grab onto the fabric of kash's shirt and hips roll as he grinds himself against the others knee. a moan gets lost against his lips before tongue slips into his mouth. he's desperate for more, a taste no longer enough to fulfil his curiosity. he has him, doesn't he see ? doesn't he realize that he's been right here, be fully his in every way but physically the whole time ? in limbo, waiting to be claimed, waiting to be told he's wanted. but still he doesn't know how to voice it. is terrified to admit something so vulnerable. afraid it'll leave him more broken than he is now, a fate he isn't sure he can handle. breathless as he pulls back, lips already feeling like something is missing. presses his forehead against the other males, panting as he admits, " i want more than just a taste this time. i want— i need all of you. " thinks he might go crazy if he doesn't have it. unexpectedly a word he doesn't often say comes out in a strangled whisper. " please. "

doesn't   suffice   sardonic   retorts   with   a   response   ,   because   he   can't   .   is   far   too   distracted   with   him   so   close   ,   their   body   heat   intermingling   and   making   the   dingy   bar   feel   a   thousand   degrees   warmer   than   it   did   seconds   ago   .   memories   flash   through   his   head   like   a   skipping   record   of   when   they   were   just   kids   ,   when   his   dire   addiction   began   from   brief   glimpses   through   a   window   to   nights   spent   on   their   roofs   .   and   while   he   convinced   himself   none   of   it   really   meant   anything   ,   can't   help   but   wonder   who's   chasing   who   here   .   grip   on   his   hip   tightens   ,   fingers   digging   viciously   into   his   skin   harsh   enough   to   leave   a   mark   as   a   tsk   is   clucked   against   the   roof   of   his   mouth   .   something   about   his   implication   pisses   him   the   fuck   off   --   as   if   his   desire   for   the   other   hadn't   been   potent   for   years   .   driving   him   to   the   brink   of   insanity   ,   of   crossing   a   crowded   bar   just   to   snuff   out   that   flame   searing   wildly   in   his   chest   .   "   if   i   didn't   want   you   ,   i'd   be   up   on   that   stage   right   now   surrounded   by   all   those   desperate   groupies   who   would   lick   the   sweat   off   of   my   guitar   if   i   asked   .   "   head   cocks   ,   timbre   dropping   for   his   ears   only   ,   "   what   else   do   you   think   they'd   lick   for   me   ?   "   other   palm   lifts   ,   fingers   curling   into   tuffs   of   chestnut   locks   and   he's   pulling   his   head   back   again   .   ambushed   by   the   smell   of   his   cologne   ,   the   aroma   so   familiar   that   it   has   him   pausing   ,   inhaling   a   sharp   breath   .   doesn't   care   if   they   have   an   audience   ,   if   the   whole   club   were   to   turn   around   and   make   them   a   skeptical   .   "   you   think   i   give   a   fuck   if   he's   watching   ?   "   a   hypothetical   ,   nose   skimming   along   the   vein   pulsing   wildly   along   his   neck   .   matching   the   same   erratic   beat   of   own   thudding   organ   .   eyes   lift   ,   capturing   the   stare   of   homme   in   question   across   the   room   and   tongue   flicks   out   ,   licking   a   wicked   ,   slow   path   up   the   hollow   of   his   throat   .   instinct   to   claim   him   is   primal   ,   like   an   animal   roaring   in   it's   cage   and   rattling   in   his   chest   .   lips   skim   up   his   jaw   and   hovers   his   mouth   over   his   ,   knee   wedging   his   apart   and   pressing   thigh   delicately   between   his   legs   .   "   i'm   going   to   let   you   show   him   why   you   came   here   tonight   .   "   and   it's   a   promise   or   a   curse   that's   sealed   against   the   hot   curve   of   his   lips   ,   pushing   forward   until   his   back   hits   the   wall   ,   and   he   has   him   perfectly   at   his   mercy   . 

[pinkpcny]

@ungraceds

how long it takes to get from the bar to kash's place is lost on him, mind flooded with fantasies, with an anticipation so intense that it threatens to choke him. it feels like he's waited a lifetime for this. imagined it so many times in his mind it feels like a movie constantly on repeat. it's kash, it's always been kash, and despite the way he's trying to convince himself that finally giving into their attraction in full will somehow diminish it's intensity, somewhere deep in his soul he knows it's not true. the moment the door is close behind them, he's suddenly nervous. feels like he can hardly breathe. " nice place, " it's a weak attempt at hiding the way he's overthinking, the way he's worrying he won't quite measure up. " got, uh, any hot neighbours across the way, " he jokes, tone teasing as he glances out the window, wonders who gets the view nowadays. feels unnecessarily jealous of whoever it may be. dares to turn back and settle his gaze upon the other males, surprised by his own restraint. all he wants to do is close the distance between them, feel unholy lips against his once again. but he waits, leaves the ball fully in kash's court. hopes he won't make him wait too long.

[pinkpcny]

i wouldn't have let you say goodbye, he says and clouded mind spins, fills with so many regrets. part of him wishes he could go back in time, open up the car door and run. keep running until he lost his father and found the comfort of kash's arms instead. he can't help but to feel like so much time has been wasted, so many moments that could have been nothing but an almost now. for some the absence may have caused feelings to fade but for cruz it seemed like years only made the longing stronger, only made the ache more intensified to the point that some days it felt like he couldn't go an hour without the other male popping into his mind. even now, in the back of his mind he knows that the man above him is the only one. no future with anyone else feels like it would be worth having, because he doesn't even think he wants it if it isn't like this, if it doesn't burn so deep it feels like it could kill him. he nods despite the fact he isn't so sure he can handle all of him. but he wants it. every last inch, every part of him body and soul. heart leaps into his throat at the way tip teases entrance, beats loudly as he waits in anticipation. " i want you to, " cruz assures, breath catching in his throat when he feels him slide in, bit by bit, slowly stretching him out in a way he's never experienced before. kash is by far the biggest he's ever had, and while it feels euphoric, he has to bite down on his lower lip hard to stop himself from crying out as he adjusts to the size of him. white knuckle grip as their fingers intertwine. strained moan slipping out just as lips find his, kisses back hungrily as legs move to wrap around lovers waist, holding him close. sweet nothings pressed to his skin, awakening something inside of him that's been sleeping, waiting for this moment. a part of him that doesn't know how to hold himself back, only knows how to fall into this, let it overtake him fully. a part of him that only exists for kash and no one else. " fuck, " the cry comes now, part pain but more so pleasure, heels pressing into the curve of the others ass cheeks, encouraging him fully. " it's yours— it's all yours, " almost chokes on words as he holds back a whimper, no attempt to deny or tease, only to spill the truth so easily. somehow it feels safe here, in this room with their bodies so together it feels like they're one. " i'm all yours. " it's all he can think about as he leans up, captures kash's mouth with his own. kisses him like he needs it to breathe, like kash is the only life source he has. hand hooking behind his neck, nails digging into skin before they slowly drag down the length of his spine. " you're all i think about, " he pants, head falling back against the mattress, eyes threatening to roll back. " i'm so— i'm, " so fucking in love with you is what sits on the tip of tongue but does all he can to supress it, hold it back. " fuck, b-baby please, more. i-i can take it. " an attempt to distract, but the words still echo in his mind, drive him crazy. spent so much of his life convinced he didn't know what love even was but in this moment it feels like it's crystal clear, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. whines softly as mouth finds kash's shoulder, teeth grazing. but it's not enough. feels like it just slips out, the only thing that might save him is how quietly it does. " i love you, " a confession he isn't so sure he's read to be made known, so low his own ears question if that's what's just been said.

having him pressed into his mattress feels like something out of a dream : years spent fantasizing about what it'd be like if they ever crossed paths again , if he'd ever have him like this . but all those fantasies don't hold a candle to the real thing .. could never come close to how edible he looks beneath him , beast rattling handlebars of it's cage to pounce and devour every inch of him until he's a crying , writhing mess . index joins middle and curls inside of him mercilessly , tightness making cock ache with a vicious sense of envy . a common emotion homme seems to evoke in him , over and over again . especially tonight . kisses him back with equal fervor , sloppily swirling tongue around his and sucking it into his mouth as fingers pick up pace . wants his pleasure , his pretty moans , everything . wants it fucking all . a noise of protest rips past lips when he's pulling away , dark eyes settling on the warmth of his and admiring how his hips lift to meet every thrust of his fingers . however , their conversation contradicts their erotic actions .. the weight of memories like a cement brick on his chest as he stares down at him . remembers the feeling of loss , of abandonment . of losing something that was never his to begin with and although he tried to appear okay after his absence , he wasn't okay . not at all . not even a little . " i wouldn't have let you say goodbye . " admits roughly , pressing another kiss to his lips . except this one is softer , more tender . nothing like the brutal assault of his fingers pumping inside of him . " i wouldn't have let you leave , or pack your fucking bags . i would've kept you to myself . " like the selfish bastard i am . i missed you , he says . no , whimpers and he's emitting a sharp exhale . emotion clogs his throat and he wants to say it back , to breathe it into his lungs until there's nothing but those three words between them . but mind is too clouded with lust .. with him laying beneath him , fucking into his palm like his life depends on it . a deep , surprised moan rips out of him as cruz's fingers wrap around his cock and fingertips rim his prostate , every word pouring out of him adding to the fire building in his gut . " sure you can handle all of me ? " queries lowly , timbre laced with unbridled desire as fingers slowly pull out of him and palm engulfs his that's wrapped around his girth , trailing until his tip teases his entrance . " might ruin you . " plans on it , actually , but he'll keep that detail to himself as lube coats head until hips slowly push into him , their gazes catching . takes homme's hand and restrains it above his head , lacing their fingers together . " shit . " hisses at the tightness , keeping movements slow to avoid hurting him but gritting back every urge to plow forward . to take what's his . ducks to press curve of his mouth against his , the kiss desperate as hips push forward again and an animalistic growl is muffled . " i missed you " sentiment lingers there before it's pressed into his cheek , " i missed you so fucking much " and then along his jaw , bucking forward to sheath himself inside of his tightness before pausing , allowing him to adjust . " tell me you're mine . " it's breathed along the shell of his ear , brows pinching as hips begin to rock into him and he's fucking delirious with pleasure , fingers gripping his hip roughly and guiding himself deeper . harder . " tell me this ass belongs to me ... this mouth , " lips hover over his , stare unyielding as their pelvis' connect and he's suffocating a moan , " tell me . "

[pinkpcny]

time seems to move so blissfully, still reeling from his high when kash carries him effortlessly. remnants of his pleasure tasted as he kisses back, hums contently into his mouth. it still feels like a dream when he's being laid down on the bed, and while it's not the one he remembers from way back when, it still belongs to the person he craves most. senses soon invaded by a familiar scent, the reoccurring warmth that comes with it. cruz thinks he could wrap himself up in the sheets and stay there forever, let the world on the other side of the door fade to black. nothing and no one existing but the two of them. wonders if they'd somehow make it that way, if outside noise seized to exist. every move has heartbeat erratic, bodies flush, skin warm, heated tension. every nerve in his body feels more alive than ever, receptive to every touch. " no, " he breaths, head falling to the side to allow better access, body willingly moving as kash demands it to. he hadn't known, not really. had been filled with many moments of maybe, hopefully, but it never felt certain. not like it does now, as kash tells him, spills it all. chest rises and falls with the weight of words, light gasp set free when he feels digits slip into him, eyes threatening to roll back. and it's strange, to feel sadness amongst great pleasure. but it sweeps over him as he thinks back, remembers what he deems as one of the worst days of his life. tries his best to not get caught up in his thoughts because it's really not the time, chases kash's mouth with his own in hopes a kiss will melt it all away. it's messy, sloppy, neediness seeping through as tongue laps into his mouth like he needs it now more than ever. but he's overcome with his need to tell the truth, his truth. head falls back against the mattress, breathless as he squirms, rocks himself against digits that slowly stretch him. eyes meet and he's swallowing down thickly again, lump in his throat forming for yet another time tonight. " i-i didn't know, " he whispers delicately, like he's afraid it could break them both. " i didn't know we were leaving, i— " palm of his hand finds the back of kash's head, pulls him down until their foreheads touch, plays with stray strands of hair. " i didn't want to leave. i didn't want— " pauses, arousal threatening to choke him, " i didn't want to leave you. if i could have said goodbye, i would have. " though he thinks it may have killed him to do it, destroyed him wholly. hand soon moves, palm pressed to the others cheek, so tender he can't believe his hands are capable of such a thing. " i missed you, " admission spills out, quiet whimper following as he grinds hips harder, " i still miss you now. no matter how fucking close you are, it never feels like enough. " fingertips begin to trail, create a pathway over skin, across his chest, down his abdomen. slow and deliberate. " i need you, " cruz utters like he's greedy for him, like he could have all of him and still want more. " i need all of you, " it's spoken between kisses pressed to lips, each one more desperate than the last. long digits wrap around kash's erection, slowly begin to pump as lower lip is pulled between teeth, gaze overcome with a hazy lust. " i need to feel you. need you inside of me. please, kash, i can't— i can't take it anymore. "

mouth works him relentlessly , a punishment and a gift all wrapped in one : delivered with every lash and swirl of his tongue . symphony of his euphoria and own strangled groans that are suffocated by length bruising his throat is the most beautiful melody he's ever had the pleasure of hearing . knew having him like this would be heavenly but never imagined that it'd have him fiending for more in the midst of enduring it . maybe addiction was too simple of a term to describe that gnawing sensation in his chest . throat constricts around cock as it fucks his throat , palms massaging his full balls as nose brushes his pelvis and chokes on inhales . needs his orgasm like he needs fucking air , and he'll suffocate right on this couch if he has to just to get it . mind is so hazy , muddled with arousal , that he barely registers confessions pouring from his lips but as eyes flutter up at him , lashes wet from suppressed tears , the connection nearly knocks him out . he did want all those people to be cruz and while he'd been childish , fucking them all with the window wide open just to dig himself beneath homme's skin like he did his , there's a sick sense of satisfaction that courses through his veins that it did affect him . that it affected him enough to remember it now , in this very moment where he's about to surrender and fall over the edge . free hand digs into the flesh of his ass viciously , moans vibrating around every inch buried between greedy lips , tongue flattened and licking along his base , coaxing him to meet him in hell . and then , as balls draw up in his palm , almost fucking grins as release pours down his throat and swallows every last drop . so turned on that dick is screaming for reprieve beneath him but he ignores it , lapping up his cum as lewd , delirious noises falsetto into the air . he's so beautiful . so fucking perfect . only withdraws once he's limp and even then , licks the slit of his head and presses a kiss before retracting . breathless , and enamored , and ... something else he can't quite name . " it's you . always fucking you . " voice is ragged , as if he just ran a marathon , a smirk looping lips as palms yank him back into his lap and then , in a swift movement , encourages legs around his waist to carry him down the hall . one arm entangled around his waist , the other gripping the back of his head and licking into his mouth , letting him taste himself . doesn't bother kicking door closed behind him , laying him flat on his back on the mattress as forearm supports his weight near his head , the other shoving his legs apart to pull their pelvis' flush together . " do you know how crazy you drove me ? how bad i wanted you ? " presses a kiss to the hallow of his throat , and along the veins in his neck , " i would fuck them and think of you , i would call them by your name . your name , baby . and then you moved , " it's growled against his skin , nose brushing along his ear lobe as fingers sneakily grab a bottle of lube from the drawer , " and you never said goodbye . you show back up , years later , and it's like you never fucking left . " retracts , staring down at him as he squirts lube on his hole and middle digit slowly massages liquid against opening , not breaking eye contact . " why didn't you say goodbye , cruz ? hm ? " fingers slowly pushes into him without warning , jaw unhinging at the tightness and breathing in sharply through his nose , " was your parting gift to haunt me , is that it ? "

[pinkpcny]

the air feels so delicate, like at any moment it could cave in and burry them both, leave them with zero oxygen. he's listening — he is. is pushing down every inner demon that threatens to twist kash's words, that tries to convince him everything between them is a lie. deep down cruz knows it's just his insecurities, his self-destructive tendencies rearing their ugly head. neither of which he wants to let ruin this. the night they had spent together felt like such a big turning point, the start of a new chapter for them, one where letting their feelings known was okay. felt safe, not so scary. he doesn't want to take any amount of steps backwards, doesn't want to stumble all the way back to square one. this is what he wants. kash is who he wants, has been for the longest time. you're the only good thing i've done. the words set of a familiar spark in him, trigger a warmth to spread throughout his chest. make him want to drop all defences, kiss him and get so lost in it that last night seizes to exist in his mind. but he can't, not yet. needs kash to know that he really is sorry, that no amount of reasons excuse what he did. homme continues and he feels stupid, realizes he'd jumped to conclusion, projected something onto him that wasn't true. his stomach twists at the idea of it, of judging him like that. of assuming the worst. " you— " head shakes, more apologise threatening to fall from his lips. " shit, " mumbles, " — i shouldn't have — i just i saw her all over you and it drove me crazy. you drive me crazy. the thought of anyone else with you makes me feel crazy. " still can't string his words together in a fully coherent way, struggling to articulate himself in a form that makes any sense. then kash touches him, a gentle kind of touch that makes him want to crumble. makes him want to fall to his knees. does as prompted and looks at him, finally, shaky breath exhaled. " but i hit you, " whispers in response, reaching out to wrap digits around kash's wrist. " it doesn't matter if you told me to do it, don't you get that ? it was wrong. i-i don't want to be that person, i don't want to be like . . . " prolonged pause, can't say like his father because his dad had never physically hurt him. he found other ways to do it. with words, mental torture. " it's just not who i want to be. i'm sorry, " reiterates it, is so deeply tempted to let their lips touch but he doesn't want to seem like he thinks he can make it go away with a kiss. instead stumbles closer, buries his face in the crook of kash's neck, arms moving to wrap tightly around him, hold him as close as he can get, guide him further inside. because he doesn't want him to leave. could never want that. " i'm sorry, " says it again, " i'm sorry. you're the last person i would ever want to hurt, you have to believe me. " because i love you.

why ? it's such an absurd question that it catches him off - guard , brows immediately pulling over sullen eyes as he takes the other in . wishes he could wash the vision from his eyes : homme's heartbroken face , the way he looked seconds from breaking down and crying , how he ran from him . he deserved worse than a bruised jaw -- he didn't deserve even a second of his time and here he is , selfishly asking for it anyway . " because if i don't talk to you , then i'll have to go the rest of my life with you thinking anything that happened last night was real and i - i already let you walk out once without saying anything . i'm not doing that shit again . " knows the odds of cruz believing him are slim to none , that whatever he thought he witnessed last night , all the fucked up lies mouth spun , were already drilled into that beautiful , frustrating head of his . but as cowardly as he was all those hours ago , he wouldn't allow cruz to walk around thinking that any part of what they shared was a mistake . head shakes , eyes almost frantic as he takes a desperate step forward , " no .. what ? of course not . you -- cruz , you weren't a mistake . you're the farthest fuckin' thing from a mistake that i've ever made . you're the only good thing i've done . the one thing , and i fucked up . i shouldn't have said that ... there's so many things i should've said , but i wasn't in the right head space .. " fear of vulnerability has him clamming up , jaw locking around the words , and how he'd look at him differently after . but sees the cogs spinning in his head and he's taking another step forward , nearly crossing threshold into the house , shoe toeing the edge of the barrier . " i told you to hit me , cruz , it was me -- " reminds him , head shaking again as guilt and anxiety create a monster inside of him .. despising himself for creating this -- for hurting him . the break in his voice has him flinching , a lump rising in his throat . what the fuck has he done ? " don't -- don't apologize to me . i'm sorry , okay ? i'm the one who should be sorry . cruz , nothing happened between me and her . do you hear me ? nothing happened . she was drunk , she fell into me -- that was it . " explanation reeks of desperation , refusing to believe this could be the last time for them . he can't have that happen ... he won't . " cruz -- " eyes widen when he's suddenly moving forward and for a stupid , ridiculous second , thinks that he's going to kiss him . it has a bud of hope flourishing in his chest only for it to be stomped out as soon as he's standing in front of him , tears welling in his eyes , pleading for kash's revenge . revenge that he won't get . " hey , " deep timbre is soft , palms reaching to capture him by the jaw and force him to meet his gaze , concerned hues boring into his , " look at me " insists as thumbs gently stroke flesh of his cheeks , throat tightening , “ i won't hit you , cruz . i'd never hit you . i'm so fucking sorry for doing this to you . but i had to speak to you , i needed you to know the truth . ” because i love you .

[pinkpcny]

it's almost too much to take, intense pleasure coursing through him making him sensitive to every divine touch. the feel of kash's lips around him, the warmth of his mouth, it's heavenly. the closest to holy he’s ever felt. being at someone's mercy has never felt more right, more electrifying— despite the vulnerability in it, cruz has never felt more safe with another person before. isn't afraid to come completely undone. when he pulls back, cruz can't seem to tear his gaze away. entranced, engrossed, so deeply lost in eyes even as broken sounds leave his mouth. he nods, head now falling back as kash lowers his mouth once again. shiver runs down his spine, toes curling. kash knows exactly what he’s doing, and if he weren’t so preoccupied by how good it all feels, there would likely be a surge of jealousy, of annoyance that anyone else ever got to have him like this. “ y-yeah, ” he admits breathlessly, no strength to even attempt a cover up, so ready to spill every secret he’s ever held. “ i wanted you to get— i wanted you to get mad, ” chokes out the words, barley able to speak, several moans repressed as he attempts to stay focused. “ jealous. ” hearing that it had worked feels euphoric, victorious. cruz relishes in it, the feel of fingers pressing into flesh spurring him on. “ i wanted you to feel how i felt, ” voice teases slightly as hips buck, fucks his mouth like it belongs to him, like it always has. thoughts he was trying to keep at bay come flooding in and a loud groan rips through the air, hands gripping the back of kash’s head to keep himself steady. “ — every time you left your window open when you fucked someone in your bed, ” memory drives him crazy, feels the need to claim him the way he always wanted to back then but never could, never knew where he stood and even here now he’s still so unsure— thinks he’s destined to be unsure of most things for the rest of his life, certainties a rarity for someone like cruz. “ knowing i could hear. knowing i wanted it to be me. ” heat spreads throughout, orgasm nearing closer with every unforgiving thrust of his hips, fingers curling into locks. “ fuck, i-i can’t believe it’s me. ” realization tips him over the edge without warning, kash’s name leaving his mouth like it’s the only thing he knows how to say. his cock twitches, spilling his load into the other males mouth before his legs tremble, body slumped, relying on kash to keep him up.

has entangled himself with plenty and cemented a reputation because of it , always finding himself with people that are fun for the night but never sticking around in the morning . but cruz isn't a name on some shitty list , he is the name . and if he were more honest with himself , maybe he'd admit why he can't let go . why he's been hung up on him since they were kids , why he was so pissed when cruz moved away without a goodbye . the taste of him , the feel of flesh beneath his hands .. against his tongue , the sounds that rip past swollen brims : all of it is going to haunt him . wreak fucking havoc , and he'll let it . moans are muffled , tongue swirling and lapping up his length until nose is flush with his pelvis .. resisting urge to gag until he comes light - headed and then pulls back , only to do it again . and again . would choke on every inch of him just to see the delirious pleasure coating his face , dark lustful eyes staring up at him as hips piston in and out of his mouth . no doubt bruising the back of his throat . he's so fucking sexy and can tell he doesn't realize it , not really . not to the magnitude that it drives him insane . and then , he's speaking and ministrations falter , completely caught off - guard . a foreign feeling grips his chest , warmth spreading down limbs that has nothing to do with the compromised position there in . though , it does make his cock rock hard to hear him utter such words aloud . they soak into his skin , jealous thoughts from earlier being rendered silent and now mind is spinning . people say a lot of shit in the heat of a moment but this feels different . and selfishly , he wants to think it is . that it's not just because they're overcome with need . that he feels the same way as him , that there's nobody else that could compare to the flame that ignites whenever they're in each other's vicinity . pulls back on a staggered breath , palm still pumping inches that are now coated in a mixture of his saliva and precum . " and that guy from the club ? " chest rises and falls , greedy stare milking his reaction as palm works him roughly , jerking his cock to the exact rhythm of his hips , " were you doing all that to get me worked up , cruz ? " head dips , tongue licking at his balls and sucking one into his mouth , before moving to the other . " because it worked . " admits lowly , spitting on the tip of his cock and tracing thumb along head , their gazes reconnecting as lips press a wet kiss to inner thigh , " i want you all to my fucking self . i've only ever wanted you . " and then he's taking him into his mouth again , his arousal coating taste buds and he's offering no reprieve , gripping hips hard enough to bruise and encouraging him to use refuge of his throat . to use him .

[pinkpcny]

everything about the moment feels so uncertain, no idea of how this might go. a chance it could be the last time they ever see one another and the thought has his body threatening to go into full panic mode. hopes that fear isn't reflected in his tired eyes as he fights against every instinct he has to gravitate closer, decimate the distance between them. " why ? " it's a loaded question, but something he's struggling to wrap his brain around. can't fathom why kash would go to all this effort just to speak to him after the events that had transpired. cruz struggles to maintain any form of eye contact for a number of reasons. the first is guilt, the fear of seeing any kind of bruising caused by his actions. the second is hurt, still unable to let go of the word mistake that had been ushered his way. a word that he's heard so many times throughout his life that in any context always seems to cut him deep. the third is desire, because it's always there. a longing, a need like nothing else he's ever known. it makes him feel desperate, needy, like he's completely unable to function because kash is always there, in his mind, his heart, his soul. " i thought you said everything you needed to say last night — or did you come here to reiterate how much of a mistake i was ? " deep down he knows it isn't that, that it makes no logical sense for him to sit outside all night just to be an asshole. but cruz doesn't always do well in listening to reason. " and i— i hit you. why do you even want to speak to me after that ? it's — that was so messed up, i shouldn't have done that. i— " he's spiralling again, brain on overdrive, drowning in his own thoughts. words come out quickly, jumbled. difficult to fully catch. " i'm sorry, " he spills, voice raw, broken. regret evident but he continues regardless, shoulder slumped with defeat. " i didn't mean to do it, i never want to hurt you like that. everything just got so loud, and my head was a mess and i just keep picturing you and her, and you— " eyes glisten and he's hurrying forward now, frantic, stops only when he's right in front of the other. all he wants to do is grab him and kiss him, beg for forgiveness, ask him to stick around even if it's only to use him, because even that feels better than nothing at all. but instead he angles his jaw, braces for an impact he knows deep down will never comes as he says, " hit me back. please. just . . . just hit me back, make it even. "

muffled   voices   cause   him   to   stir   ,   brows   furrowing   as   forearm   drapes   over   his   eyes   and   he's   emitting   a   soft   groan   .   it   takes   lagging   brain   a   second   to   catch   up   --   completely   out   of   it   ,   and   confused   as   to   where   he   is   .   but   there's   a   voice   again   ,   this   time   closer   ,   and   then   he   feels   something   kicking   at   his   leg   .   "   wh   --   "   back   muscles   scream   in   protest   as   he   rolls   over   ,   hard   cement   digging   into   his   ribs   and   it   reminds   him   that   his   jaw   hurts   like   a   bitch   ,   too   .   his   jaw   ...   cruz   .   CRUZ   .   eyes   fly   open   ,   head   on   a   swivel   in   time   to   catch   sight   of   a   female   stepping   over   him   and   entering   the   home   before   he's   scrambling   to   his   feet   .   has   about   a   four   second   window   where   mind   is   trying   to   think   of   something   to   say   to   convince   her   to   let   him   in   ,   to   inquire   about   cruz's   whereabouts   ,   anything   --   and   then   he's   appearing   .   just   like   that   .   as   if   mind   conjured   him   up   ,   and   delivered   him   .   only   hears   the   end   of   his   roommate's   (   sisters   ?   )   statement   ,   the   guy   you've   been   in   love   with   and   it   makes   heart   crack   ,   knowing   that   he   ruined   that   .   isn't   even   sure   if   there's   anything   left   to   fix   now   and   yet   ,   feet   don't   budge   .   he's   frozen   ,   staring   at   him   like   he's   afraid   any   minute   ,   he'll   run   the   other   way   .   throat   swells   and   he's   suddenly   all   too   conscious   of   his   appearance   :   that   he's   still   in   last   night's   clothes   ,   that   he   probably   looks   like   absolute shit   ,   that   the   other   looks   like   a   fucking   angel   incarnate   .   did   he   hear   him   last   night   ?   was   he   here   the   whole   time   ?   does   he   even   want   to   see   him   ?   "   hey   .   "   spoken   on   a   bated   breath   ,   fingers   tearing   through   dark   tresses   to   keep   from   fisting   into   his   collar   and   yanking   him   towards   him   .   apologies   and   excuses   ,   and   begging   ,   all   fill   his   mind   ..   what   to   say   ,   and   how   to   say   it   .   "   i   ,   uh   ...   i   just   really   need   to   talk   to   you   and   you   weren't   ..   answering   my   calls   or   texts   ,   so   .   "   wants   to   crawl   out   of   his   skin   ,   fearing   his   rejection   but   knowing   he   deserves   it   anyway   .   just   like   the   bruised   jaw   he   has   this   morning   .   but   he's   desperate   and   it's   written   all   over   his   face   ,   foot   taking   a   tentative   step   forward   before   he's   second   guessing   himself   ,   and   he's   stepping   back   again   .   "   can   we   talk   ?   "

[pinkpcny]

it's a kind of praise he isn't used to. words have his cheeks flushing pink, heart skipping what feels like multiple beats. he get's the sense that kash truly does find him beautiful and it's electrifying, exhilarating. there's no words that could be used to describe what he's feeling. to articulate the rush that washes over him. cruz is more familiar with feeling used, with being wanted only for his body and what it could temporarily provide someone seeking release. sex, while enjoyable in the moment, often left him feeling dirty and cheap afterwards. no real connection, no warmth felt. with kash it feels real, maybe a little too so. with every look, every touch, it's as if they're saying what their words refuse to. an admission of something breathtakingly intense yet tender. something some might call love, even if two broken beings are too messed up to see it for what it really is. " so are you, " it's hushed, but he doesn't even try to stop himself from saying it. there's no attempting to denying it. kash is by far the most gorgeous human being he's ever laid eyes on, no beauty over the years ever quite measuring up. the face he stares at now like he's afraid to ever forget it is the face he looks for in everyone, the one that pops up in his dreams without warning and has him tossing and turning with a need that burns. smirks when his display seems to have worked, relishing in the way kash grips his hips, pulls him closer. the feel of lesser pulled between teeth is enough to make him feel feral. words only adding fuel to an already out of control flame and they just keep coming, pouring out of his mouth like a symphony. cruz can only watch as mouth trails across his skin, completely awestruck. at his mercy. fingertips comb through locks, drop to his shoulders, nails dragging across skin as he attempts to leave some marks of his own. if he’s to be reminded, then kash will be too. kisses pressed to hips bones make him quiver, anticipation at it's peak. strangled groan lurches from the back of his throat the instant kash's hot mouth wraps around him, and he thinks this might be the closest to heaven he'll ever get. " there isn't — " words are interrupted by quiet, broken moans and he feels like he can hardly contain himself. the feeling is dizzying, has his head threatening to fall back. but instead it tips forward as hips thrust, desperate for more. needy as ever. " f-fuck, baby there isn't anyone else, " a confession is blurted out, and he's powerless to stop it. while he'd played into it, intended to provoke jealousy earlier in the evening, now all he wants his for him to know the true power that he holds. " there's only you, " uttered as fingertips admire hollowed cheeks, ghost across jaw, stop at the base of his neck and curl into locks. and the world feels like it’s coming to a stop as he breathlessly whispers the one thing he knows to be true, “ i-it’s only ever been you. ” and it always will be.

it's surreal , something out of a dream . and it's dangerous because he doesn't get wound up in anybody .. doesn't allow himself the luxury of getting used to people . but he could get used to this : to him . to having him in the comfort of four walls , to touching him , kissing him , to hearing those lewd , euphoric noises tear past his throat . he's an addiction that kash can't afford and he's indulging anyway , a man crazed with desire and yearning that has him rooted in time never wanting him to step back over the threshold and leave . again . " sh - shit , baby ... " sinful moans of pleasure fill the apartment , echoing off the walls and mixing with homme's ministrations , hips fucking wildly into the warmth of his throat as he chokes , and licks , and sucks . he's so good at it that it has mind spinning with who taught him this , how many people did it take , and if they made him feel good after , too . thought in itself has that little green monster riled up again , taking out the irritation on his throat and those full lips of his . as he pulls off , thumb swipes along his lesser to wipe stray saliva and brings it to his own mouth , sucking it off . " you're fucking beautiful , you know that ? " and he is , his chest heaving with pants , lips red and puffy , cheeks dusted in pink . the hottest thing he's ever seen in his life and engraining vision into his memory for later . once he's gone . inhales sharply at his plea , cock twitching in his grasp while eyes slowly dip between his legs as he struggles to get his pants off . would offer to help but he's too fixated on every inch of skin the movement reveals , patches of flesh that mouth wants to mark and bite and suck until he's covered in them . his , even if he isn't . " fuck , look at that ... " pupils dilate when cock springs free , pretty just like the rest of him . jaw unhinges on a breath as his begins to touch himself and moans tremble past those fucking lips of his , evoking monster to rattle maddeningly in its cage . " so hard for me and i haven't even touched you yet . " air hisses past teeth , more pleas filling the air .. thumb making his cock spasm in his grip . and like a brat , a pout takes over his lesser . taunting him . knows that if he continues , he'll cum like a prepubescent teen in his damn hand and he'll be damned if he allows the night to end like that . oh no , he has plans . palms grip his hips suddenly and he's yanking him into his lap again , their cocks brushing against his abdomen . " i want to do everything to you . " admits roughly , leaning forward and dragging pouty lip between his teeth before sucking it into his mouth , " i want to kiss every inch of you ... " presses a kiss to his lips , dirty and wet , before palms settle underneath his thighs and lifts him further , mouth trailing down his chest , " and mark you , " tongue licks a path along tensed abdomen , smirking subtly against his skin as palms move to grip his ass until he's eye level with his dick , " and make you cum , over and over for me, until you forget all about whoever is waiting for you at home . " lips press against his pubic bone , to his left and right hip , before slowly dragging his tongue from the shaft of his cock to the tip and swirling the precum off . fuck , he tastes good . of course he fucking does . hasn't met anybody so perfect in his life . " until i'm the only one you can think about when you cum . " and it's a promise sealed as lips and palm wrap around him , sucking him into the heat of his throat .

[pinkpcny]

isn't sure how long he's sat there before kash starts talking, all he knows is that he's grateful when he does even if cruz doesn't say anything back. he wants to, several times, especially after hearing the story of the other males father. wants to scream out that he loves him. that he always has. always will. wonders what's worse : never hearing those words from your father at all, or hearing them once and then never again. wonders if those three little words, or big in his mind, will be uttered between the two of them ever again, or if it was a confession only meant to be spilled between the sheets on one beautiful occasion. he keeps listening, hangs on every word until all falls silent. faint smile tugging at his lips at the thought of kash drifting off to sleep. can't help but to hope he finds some peace in his dreams. the idea brings a small comfort that allows him to close his own eyes, fall into a light slumber. it's the early hours of the morning when charlie lomax pulls onto the street, uber driver determined to get her out of the car as fast as he can. groan emits the moment she does, sight of someone slumped outside of her door. " hey ! " lack of decorum presents itself as she approaches, words slightly slurred as alcohol continues to take affect. " look, it really sucks that you don't have a home dude, but like . . . i need to get into mine, so scram, " she insists, leg moving to give a light kick. only when she moves to step over them does she realize who it is. years since she'd seen him and the last time she'd been so young, but how could she forget the face of the boy her brother had spent years pining over. " pathetic, " mumbles under her breath, roll of her eyes as she shoves in her key, pushes open the door. " ow, " cruz groans in surprise, eyes shooting open as his body gets pushed against the wall. " what the fuck ?! " groggy as he stands, barely aware of what's going on. charlie still mumbling as she stomps upstairs, irritated for no good reason other than she's her. " making the guy you've been in love with since what-fucking-ever age sleep outside is a whole new level of playing hard to get, " though she's taking note as she slams her room door shut, and as cruz comes to, suddenly he's face to face with the person he's been trying to avoid. chest aches, heart swells. doesn't know what else to say other than, " hi. "

sits   there   for   a   while   in   silence   ,   nothing   but   pen   scratching   paper   and   police   sirens   in   the   distance   to   keep   him   company   .   would   find   it   peaceful   if   there   wasn't   a   war   thrashing   inside   of   his   head   ,   making   it   hard   to   focus   on   anything   except   the   man   on   the   other   side   of   the   door   .   hums   a   distracted   beat   under   his   breath   ,   pen   dangling   from   his   lips   as   fingers   drum   against   notebook   before   he's   emitting   a   sigh   .   "   you   know   ,   when   i   was   nine   ,   my   dad   came   home   really   fucked   up   .   like   ,   i'm   talkin'   ..   slurring   his   words   so   bad   that   he   couldn't   even   remember   his   first   name   ,   hunched   over   ,   could   barely   stand   .   my   sister   was   so   pissed   that   she   threatened   to   make   him   sleep   out   on   the   street   but   i   bargained   with   her   and   said   i   would   take   care   of   him   ,   "   emits   a   laugh   that   sounds   more   like   a   breath   ,   sniffing   as   head   falls   back   against   the   door   ,   "   i   didn't   know   the   first   thing   about   takin'   care   of   anybody   ,   but   i   did   know   how   to   cure   a   hangover   .   so   i   got   him   water   ,   aspirin   ,   took   off   his   shoes   and   shit   ,   and   helped   him   get   into   my   bed   .   looking   back   on   it   ,   it   was   actually   pretty   fuckin'   dumb   .   he   was   a   shitty   dad   ..   if   you   could   even   call   him   that   .   only   showed   up   when   he   needed   something   ,   never   gave   us   anything   .   but   i   was   a   kid   ,   you   know   ?   didn't   know   the   first   thing   about   enabling   people   .   "   isn't   even   sure   if   anybody   is   on   the   other   side   of   the   door   ..   hell   ,   doesn't   know   if   cruz   is   even   home   .   he   could   be   out   ,   filling   his   time   with   people   that   don't   treat   him   like   shit   and   lie   to   his   face   ,   or   maybe   he   was   in   bed   and   sleeping   the   whole   ordeal   off   .   but   he   keeps   talking   anyway   ,   clearing   his   throat   ,   "   that   was   the   first   and   only   time   my   dad   ever   told   me   he   loved   me   .   i   almost   didn't   hear   it   and   sometimes   ,   i   think   i   may   have   imagined   it   .   but   he   rolled   over   when   i   was   pulling   the   blanket   over   him   and   looked   at   me   through   bloodshot   eyes   ,   and   mumbled   it   .   i   stood   there   for   a   couple   minutes   afterwards   ...   thinking   he'd   say   something   else   ,   maybe   thank   me   or   something   stupid   like   that   .   but   then   he   started   snoring   ,   and   i   just   left   .   "   throat   thickens   and   fingers   begin   drumming   restlessly   against   paper   again   ,   tongue   running   along   lesser   before   he's   sucking   it   into   his   mouth   and   chewing   it   raw   .   stays   like   that   for   a   while   longer   ,   mind   swirling   and   spinning   ,   as   silence   blankets   him   again   .   but   it   grows  deafening   ,   thoughts   a   bit   too   loud   ,   and   he's   jumping   into   the   next   story   ,   and   the   next   ,   until   his   voice   grows   hoarse   and   sleep   inevitably   takes   him   under   .

[pinkpcny]

by the end of the night he says, as if he doesn't need him now. as if his entire being hasn't craved him every moment since they first sat on roofs adjacent and struck up . . . this, whatever it was. a feeling so intense, so all consuming sometimes he thinks it could destroy him from the inside out. so delicate it doesn't even feel like it's supposed to belong to him. the majority of his years had been spent coasting through life, trying to numb every feeling that came his way. often a boy who felt too overwhelmed by life, by it's expectations, by the way it looked down on him. but this . . . this was impossible to drown out, to diminish, to forget. and when kash looks at him like he's something to be admired, like a work of art, he's never felt more seen. never felt more alive. every sound of pleasure that kash sets free is like music to his ears, the most beautiful sound he thinks he's ever hear. it fuels him further, spins his desire out of control. eager mouth works him like it's what it was made for, doe eyes glistening each time he practically chokes on it. soon becomes familiar with every vein, ridge ⸻ every curve. feels like it belongs to him, wishes it did. that after tonight no one else would ever get to experience it. foolishly allows himself to live in the delusion that it could be true. the command given provokes a groan, always so keen to please, on this occasion more than ever. a loud pop is heard as he pulls back, lips swollen, coated in his own saliva. gaze filled with a deep rooted hunger as he catches his breath only to have it stolen again by a single look. something about the moment has him wanting to make a lifetime of confessions, suddenly drowning in feelings new and old. some that he can't quite explain. " i-- " he shakes the feeling away. " i want you to touch me, " he admits, digits wrapping around the other males length, slowly pumping up and down as his free hand moves. cruz fumbles as he undoes his own trousers, pushes them down along with boxers to reveal his own cock, solid and throbbing. the instant he touches himself, an array of soft gasps escape, mind trying to picture it's kash touching him instead. though it seems like no amount of wondering is enough, no matter how vivid imagination is, only the real thing will do. " do you see how bad i want you ? " words are uttered, gaze not daring to break contact. slowly he lowers his head again, kiss pressed to tip. " how bad i need you ? " soft pad of his thumb gently massages frenulum, a move intended to tease. to drive crazy. " fuck, kash, please, " plea isn't intend to come out so whiney, but it does. and as he leans up on knees slightly, move closer into his space, lips can't help but to naturally form a pout. " don't you want to touch me ? " it's asked so quietly, despite the fact he knows fine well that he does. but he wants to hear him say it over and over, wants to relish in the fact that this man wants him, needs him. that he's just as overcome as he is.

has fantasized about this moment an embarrassing amount of times , more than he'd willingly admit to himself . but no amount of daydreams could have prepared him for the sight of cruz bruising his knees on apartment floor with that desirable look in his eye that has cock twitching uncontrollably . feels like heart is about to fall out of his fucking chest . " such a good listener ... " hums in approval as the other wraps lips and tongue around digits , swirling and sucking eagerly like he'd been waiting his whole fucking life for this moment . in a way , he has . long worth the patience , too , because if he'd done this during their hundreds of sleepovers back then , isn't sure he'd exhibit this much restraint . ministrations from talented mouth are a live wire straight to his cock that's aching angrily with jealousy , red and swollen , and already dripping with precum . " look at that , " breathes , " your mouth is even prettier when it's full . " stares down at him with parted lips and hooded eyes , arousal so potent that he has to give himself a mental pep - talk not to toss him out onto the couch and fuck him until they're both incoherent , panting messes . no , wants to take his time . wants to feel every part of him first , to show him how tormented he's been all this time , touch him in ways nobody else ever has . his confession has fog of pleasure lifting momentarily , smirking as he slaps his hand away and curling fingers into hair at his nape instead . " i'll have you needing me by the end of the night . " and he means it , because want doesn't suffice the feeling he evokes when he's tearing boxers off and drooling over his dick as it springs free from confinements . it doesn't suffice the sensation that ripples through him at the string of spit that falls from his lips and dribbles down his length , bucking into his grasp involuntarily because every touch is too much and not enough at once . " fuck . " it's growled through clenched teeth as wet , warm tongue laps at him and grip in his hair tightens viciously , heat tinting cheeks . " that's it , baby . take it like it belongs to you .. f - fuck , your mouth feels so good . " hungry gaze is fixated on him , incapable of looking away as thumb strokes along his jaw , a deep , guttural groan ripping from the deepest depths of his throat as tip hits the back of his , and moan vibrates against him . the stimulation making him fucking feral . wants to kill anybody whose had him in this same position , whose ever been close enough to feel this euphoric . hips lift , rocking into the comfort of his mouth and even as head falls back against couch cushions , refuses to tears his eyes away . can't . " touch yourself . " instructs in a deep , gravely voice .. nearly unrecognizable to his own ears as a moan spills over , brows pinching . " let me see how hard you can get for me . "

[pinkpcny]

he hates the way kash reads him a little too well. the way there’s so much truth in one little statement he can barley stand it. wishes he wasn't so fucking transparent. too embarrassed to admit that the man in front of him might be the worst thing he’s ever chased, yet he has been doing it since they were kids. “ got my bike, don’t have to use my feet. ” always with the wise-ass comebacks, a sardonic smile ghosted on lips. but the snark fades quickly, smile vanishing as a gasp parts lips. the sudden grip on him is unexpected, yet it has him on the edge, deliriously high with anticipation. he's so close and cruz can remember it all — the feel of his kiss, the taste of his mouth, the way he feels on him, inside of him. not physically, but mentally, emotional. temptation arises, desire to erase the little space between them almost overwhelming. it's a miracle he manages to resist. kash is all he really wants and he can’t explain it, knows there’s no real rhyme or reason because every time he jumps back in he's spat back out, always with a new ache in his chest to accompany the rest. though of all his forms of self-punishment, this might be the most divine. as heavenly as it is torturous. " guess they're not that strong, " practically fumbles words now, brain short-circuiting, no sarcastic response to be found. knows he's done for when lips are by his ear, hand on his hip. the possessive words spoken setting something alight within him, every inch of him desperate to be claimed. hates the way he finds himself inching closer, but he can't help himself. maybe part of him enjoys being burned. " seems like a lot of effort to go to for someone you don't really want, huh ? " he wonders if that's all it is, if he only has desire for cruz when it seems like he can't have him. regardless, he's too weak not to play into it. " could save yourself all that trouble and just give me a good reason to leave with you instead. " eyes flutter to a close as he nudges his nose against a strong jaw, breath shaky at the mere thought of their lips reuniting. " he's watching us, " he can sense it, still makes no move to elevate the growing tension, " what are you gonna do about it ? "

it'd   be   hypocritical   for   him   to   psychoanalyze   the   other   ,   especially   with   his   messy   track   record   ,   but   can't   help   the   way   he   tries   to   pick   him   apart   piece   by   delicious   piece   .   wanting   nothing   more   than   to   dive   into   that   pretty   head   of   his   and   see   how   deep   the   waters   go   .   "   seems   like   you   have   a   knack   for   chasing   things   that   aren't   good   for   you   ,   "   hums   in   consideration   ,   "   your   feet   ever   get   tired   ?   "   as   if   he   isn't   the   worst   thing   for   him   .   for   anybody   .   but   even   that   knowledge   does   nothing   to   satiate   the   beast   roaring   its   ugly   head   at   the   notion   that   he's   leaving   on   the   arm   of   anybody   else   here   .   gaze   sparks   at   his   bullshit   response   ,   "   half   -   price   drinks   ,   huh   ..   "   palm   flies   up   without   warning   to   grasp   the   back   of   his   neck   and   yanks   his   head   back   until   it's   tilted   perfectly   for   him   .   if   only   he   were   always   this   pliant   .   leans   in   close   ,   their   noses   brushing   as   he   inhales   deeply   and   a   big   ,   wolf   -   like   grin   stretches   across   his   lips   .   "   then   why   don't   i   smell   any   liquor   on   your   breath   ?   "   their   eyes   lock   and   he'll   hold   him   there   just   like   that   ,   for   a   few   inappropriate   beats   ,   before   slowly   releasing   him   .   "   your   world   may   not   revolve   around   me   ,   but   i   know   i'm   in   your   head   and   i   bet   it   drives   you   fuckin'   crazy   .   "   gaze   falters   to   the   delicate   bob   of   his   throat   and   teeth   clench   with   the   urge   to   sink   in   ,   and   bite   .   claim   him   as   his   own   when   he's   far   from   it   .   always   so   eager   to   remind   him   of   it   ,   too   .   like   now   ,   when   he's   spouting   out   at   the   mouth   about   being   on   his   knees   for   somebody   else   .   like   he   wouldn't   burn   the   whole   place   to   the   ground   just   to   prove   a   point   .   drops   his   head   again   ,   lips   ghosting   over   his   ear   as   a   large   palm   boldly   settles   on   his   hip   ,   "   keep   talking   like   that   and   i'll   bury   him   six   feet   under   with   my   bare   hands   .   him   ,   and   whoever   else   you're referring   to   .   is   that   what   you   want   ,   baby   ?   because   i'm   happy   to   deliver   .   "

[pinkpcny]

time seems to blur. one minute he's outside the club, bringing up the empty contents of his stomach, shrugging off a concerned bystander in a foggy haze, and then next he's in the bathroom of his house, letting out a frustrated scream as his fist connects with the taunting reflection of himself in the mirror. isn't even sure what possessed him to do it in the first place. he'd only come in with the intention of splashing some cold water on his face, brushing his teeth in attempt to get the putrid taste of bile to go away. but the careless action does nothing to make him feel any better. in fact, it only creates room for his self-pity and loathing to grow. breaths ragged as he grabs onto each side of the sink with a white-hot grip, drops his gaze from now distorted image to the shattered glass. the droplets of blood. cruz makes a mental note to clean it up, but when he’s in this state of mind nothing quite adds up. feels like he blinks and he’s in the kitchen, first-aid kit opened on counter as he cleans his cuts, shoddily bandages his hand up. blinks again and suddenly he’s in his bedroom, laying in bedroom. find's himself in the state he most commonly seems to be in : high, and sad. self-loathing at it's peak as he tosses, turns over with guilt, regret so deep he doesn't know what to do with it. how could he hit kash ? someone he loves. someone he would never dream of bringing harm to, yet did. keeps telling himself that he wishes they never reunited, that things would have been better if they hadn't. but it's a lie that scolds him, the truth refusing to let him run away this time. because he still feels him, everywhere. like he's buried deep. like a disease that's only cure is itself.

despite how hard he tries, sleep won't come. what feels like hours spent with eyes clenched shut only for his mind to stay active, replaying every word the two had ever spoken to each other. so much so that when he hears his name he thinks it's in his head, tries to shake it away but it doesn't stop, or silence. he sits up, rubs his hands over a dishevelled face. squints as he listens more closely. sudden realization that kash is at his front door. heart races in his chest, feels like it's trying to break free, fly towards the man that owns it and has since the first time they locked eyes. cruz is on his feet almost instantly, moving quick, practically running down the hallway. a smile dares tug at his lips but the second he gets close enough to reach his hand out towards the doorhandle, he's reminded of earlier events. of harsh words exchanged, actions that felt final. his smile drops, familiar frown so quick and willing to replace it. excited heart now dropping to his stomach. he wants to answer, he does, somewhere deep inside it's the only thing he wants. but he's ashamed, afraid. too fragile to deal with the fallout. but he doesn't want to be alone, not really. still seeks comfort in kash's presence even if he can only hear him, not see him. presses his back against the door and slowly sinks to the floor, lower lip trembling as he holds back everything he wants to say. words of sorrow getting lost on the tip of his tongue. the love he feels silent even as it screams out, desperate to be heard. wonders if his mother was right in what she told him as a child, that love really is pain. because the longing he feels, the ache of all the things that might never be, both threaten to tear him apart completely.

almost   buckles   to   his   knees   and   grovels   ,   apologizes   ,   confesses   ..   reassurances   clinging   to   the   tip   of   his   tongue   ,   and   dying   out   all   thanks   to   his   cowardice   ,   and   that   little   voice   in   his   head   telling   him   that   he   deserves   this   loss   .   that   he's   doing   him   a   favor,   in   the   grand   scheme   of   things   .   and   his   mind   clings   to   that   ,   as   every   word   feels   like   a   blow   to   his   gut   .   meeting   you   was   the   worst   thing   that's   ever   happened   to   me   .   that   one   stung   worse   than   all   the   rest   ,   because   the   day   he   met   cruz   was   the   best   day   of   his   .   the   only   day   that   he   remembered   feeling   anything   outside   of   the   dark   cloud   that   usually   makes   every   other   emotion   feel   murky   and   far   away   .   i've   always   seen   you   is   what   he   wants   to   say   alongside   a   million   other   things   but   again   ,   swallows   them   whole   and   chokes   them   down   .   letting   them   burn   like   the   bottom   of   absolut   he   plans   on   demolishing   after   this   ,   drink   himself   into   oblivion   only   to   pass   out   and   do   it   again   tomorrow   .   fingers   twitch   in   his   pockets   again   to   reach   for   him   ,   console   him   ,   wipe   that   broken   look   off   his   face   and   take   it   all   back   ,   but   then   his   fist   is   connecting   to   his   jaw   and   the   blow   is   harder   than   he   expected   .   something   he   shouldn't   be   proud   or   impressed   by   ,   all   considering   ,   and   yet   he   is   .   nearly   knocks   him   off   balance   ,   head   completely   turned   the   opposite   direction   while   feet   stumble   backwards   upon   the   impact   as   the   sound   of   bone   cracking   ignites   the   air   between   them   .   "   fuck   .   "   spats   a   wad   of   blood   out   of   the   side   of   his   mouth   ,   palm   lifting   to   massage   his   jaw   as   it   aches   in   protest   and   he's   moving   it   to   ensure   that   it's   still   attached   .   it   is   .   "   you've   got   a   good   right   hook   --   "   stupid   compliment   falls   flat   moment   eyes   lift   and   cruz   is   no   longer   ,   the   sound   of   exit   door   clattering   closed   behind   him   igniting   another   zap   of   panic   .   finality   .   abandonment   .   feet   are   moving   to   follow   before   mind   can   catch   up   before   a   large   ,   strong   palm   is   clamping   down   on   his   shoulder   and   tugging   him   back   .   *not   a   fuckin'   chance   ,   scott   .   we   got   three   more   sets   to   do   and   you   left   us   high   and   dry   last   time   .   your   boyfriend   can   wait   .   get   your   ass   on   stage   .*   and   despite   wanting   to   rip   nate's   head   off   and  chase   down   the   man   he's   loved   since   he   was   sixteen   ,   he   listens   ,   and   does   ,   in   fact   ,   get   his   ass   on   stage   .

hours   later   ,   finds   himself   striding   towards   an   unfamiliar   door   :   the   address   given   to   him   by   one   of   homme's   friends   that   he   pawned   it   off   with   empty   threats   and   a   free   bag   of   coke   .   mind   is   still   spinning   ,   chest   still   throbbing   ,   stomach   still   twisting   ...   he's   sober   now   ,   completely   ,   and   that   self   hatred   for   letting   this   get   so   out   of   control   is   on   full   swing   .   he   hurt   him   ,   fucking   broke   him   ,   and   he   stood   by   like   a   piece   of   shit   and   just   let   it   happen   .   should   have   told   him   the   truth   the   moment   accusations   started   pouring   out   of   that   mouth   of   his   ,   shouldn't   have   given   him   the   chance   to   think   that   he'd   ever   choose   anybody   willingly   over   him   .   not   when   he   just   got   him   .   and   that's   the   most   painful   part   ,   isn't   it   ?   he   just   got   him   back   .   and   he   already   fucked   everything   up   .   glances   down   at   his   forearm   where   address   is   written   and   eyes   lift   to   the   number   clinging   to   the   door   ,   chest   heaving   with   a   sigh   as   he   just   stands   there   for   a   few   beats   ..   having   a   staring   contest   with   wood   like   he   could   make   it   disintegrate   with   one   look   .   emits   a   string   of   curses   ,   palm   wiping   down   his   face   before   knuckles   connect   with   the   wood   .   gentle   ,   at   first   ,   and   then   a   little   louder   .   a   little   harder   ,   more   desperate   .   "   cruz   ?   "   calls   his   name   ,   "   cruz   ,   its   me   .   i   need   to   talk   to   you   ,   let   me   explain   .   "   a   request   he   doesn't   deserve   to   ask   but   does   anyway   ,   knuckles   continuing   to   rap   against   wood   as   forehead   presses   against   it   ,   other   forearm   lifting   to   rest   against   the   threshold   .   "   please   ,   talk   to   me   .   or   ...   i'll   talk   ,   and   you   glare   at   me   .   you   know   ,   whatever   .   what   happened   tonight   wasn't   what   you   thought   --   just   ...   open   the   door   and   talk   to   me   .   "   and   even   as   it   falls   from   his   lips   ,   knows   that   it's   not   going   to   happen   .   isn't   sure   how   much   time   passes   that   he's   knocking   ,   pleading   with   him   on   the   other   side   until   he   falls   silent   and   he's   just   standing   there   .   pathetically   .   tongue   runs   along   the   back   of   his   teeth   ,   ignoring   the   stinging   pain   of   his   jaw   before   he's   shrugging   off   his   jacket   and   taking   a   seat   ,   back   pressed   to   the   door   in   case   he   falls   asleep   ,   and   he's   yanking   out   a   pad   and   paper   .

[pinkpcny]

the question is answered only with a nod, part shameful. doesn't even think it needs to be said, for here he is, where he always wants to be. the act at the bar faltering so quickly he can barley remember the version of himself that stood on any kind of solid ground. with kash he's floating, forever wanting to be caught, held in place. it's the reason harsh grips are so encouraged, the reason he hopes flesh is marked with memories that'll last at least the week. though there's no doubt in his mind that this night will be something he remembers forever, with or without them. thinks just about every interaction they've ever had is seared into his mind, a special box hidden away in there for safe keeping somewhere nothing else can touch. " maybe, " shrugs, casual smirk. thinks he'd rather enjoy teasing him, take pleasure in driving him to the edge but not quite letting him go over it. can feel his own arousal grow at the thought of his eyes rolling back, at the thought of making him moan. gazes at him in a lustful haze, still even in a moment so thick with desire he notices how affectionate the touch on his jaw seems to be. leans into it, craves it. and suddenly it feels like a place of worship because it has him wanting to confess — every feeling, every last thought he’s ever had about the two of them together. but like an answered prayer, kash distracts. grip harshens, demanding tone doing something to him that he can’t explain. makes him want to sin like he never has before. low moan emits as mouth is pried open, willingly takes digits into his mouth. eyes hooded with deep desire, locked on the other males like he’s willing to let him look right into his soul as tongue swirls, lips soon curling to suck them in as far as they'll go. slowly eases them out before repeating, a small taster of what's to come. it takes everything he has not to melt into the floor completely when kash touches himself, shows him just how badly he aches for cruz. he nods, so desperate he can hardly contain it. he pulls back with a quiet pop, practically breathless. " no, " he insists, bats hand away before he leans up slightly, presses a harsh kiss to lips. " i want it , i want you, " cruz admits so easily, fingers wrapping around waistband of boxers and tugging, freeing hardness from it's last restraint. " fuck, " eyes widen at his size, mouth practically drooling at the sight. wastes no time in leaning forward, letting trail of spit spill from his eager mouth, dribble down length. warm palm wraps around shaft, strokes once, twice. own cock pulsating at the thought of how he'll taste. of how he'll feel inside of him later. " you're gonna fucking destroy me, " he chuckles lowly, serious, and he means it in more ways than one. though the curve of his mouth suggest he's willing to accept it. that he wants it. needs it, even. already knows nothing will compare. dampens lips before he dips his head, runs tongue from base to tip, swirls to lap up the taste of precum before he eagerly brings him into mouth. plump lips curl, cheeks quick to hollow as he works to take him deeper, tip meeting the back of his throat and he welcomes it with a moan that ripples.

not with you . throat constricts , airway ensnaring staggered breaths as he stares up at him . hungry , dark gaze lighting with something more tender , more raw and longing feels like a scab picked over .. opening the wound and allowing him to prod at it . he'd never been serious about anybody : not then , and certainly not now , but moments were always more charged with cruz . the air a little heavier , the space between them similar to miles . wrote it off as some need to claim him but that warmth in his chest chastises him now , mocking the thought as if he's not in on the joke . " and now ? " query is rasped from an unsteady exhale , lips brushing along his jaw , " can i have you whenever i want ? " admires the bob of his throat and again , finds himself wanting to mark it , paint flesh in shades of black and blue just so whoever he goes home to after this knows that someone else had been here . that he isn't as theirs as they may think he is . " start by writing your apology out with your tongue , nice and slow -- " mutters with a half - assed smirk quirking his lips as palms are dragging his attention back and silencing the filth ready to pour from his tongue , and groaning it into his mouth instead . fingers dig into his skin , surely leaving marks ( good ) and head tilts into his grasp , tongue licking into the warmth of his mouth , ivories grazing his lesser with deep - seated desire that has thighs tensing beneath him . there's nothing sweet about it and it has cock aching underneath his ass , hard and eager to finally make acquaintance . a long waited introduction . " and if i don't ask nicely ... " brow quirks , lids fluttering open in a daze to watch him sink to his knees , " you gonna tease me with that pretty mouth of yours until i fuck the apology out of you ? " even just the sight of him between his legs , working his pants down muscular thighs , has cock standing to attention . painfully swollen at those big , doe eyes staring up at him like he's something holy . quite the opposite , actually . " mhm i did , " hums in admiration , fingers stroking the side of his jaw in such a loving manner that if he weren't so aroused maybe he'd falter , " i fuckin' knew you'd look like a work of art on your knees for me . " pupils are blown a million miles wide , inhaling sharply through nostrils as his mouth dips and digits sink harsher into the flesh of his jaw , yanking him back to look at him . " open your mouth . " demands but doesn't wait for him to obey , thumb running along his lesser and tugging until jaw unhinges and index and middle invade warm , wet mouth to press against his tongue . " do you see how hard i am for you , cruz ? " free palm gripping erection through his boxers , stroking it once .. twice , " you gonna pretend like you don't want to wrap your lips around me -- just like you pretended you wanted to go home with that guy tonight ? " and if he still sounds jealous , well , he fucking is .

[pinkpcny]

it’s clear that his mind jumps to conclusions, but cruz isn’t quick to spill the truth. knows that he should be, that it’s unfair of him to let kash think something that isn’t, but there’s something about kash when he’s jealous that ignites a spark in his chest. brings a glint to his eyes, smug curve to lips. wonders what thoughts are running through the others mind, what feelings stir at the thought of him being touched by anyone else. glee fades quickly, heart captured with a simple set of words : with what matters. and suddenly the truth about the tease across the way is revealed and relief washes over him. " maybe she's looking to go out with a bang — literally, " still teases, but eyes are soft, adoration for the other male sparkling and clear. part of him wishes they could stay like this forever, but life doesn't work like that. so he'll cling to what he can get, enjoy every second of being the one he chooses to kiss, to touch, to want. " i've never been hard to get, " he admits despite feeling like he should keep it to himself, " not with you. " cheeks flush, suddenly has him feeling like a teen with a crush again. but it was never just that, was it ? it was all consuming from the start. " you could have had me whenever you wanted. " and sadly it's still true. knows even if there was someone else, as bad as it was to admit to himself, he'd drop them in a heartbeat to be here instead. that's the hold kash has always had, one cruz thinks may never fully go away. no time to overthink or dwell on perhaps revealing enough to leave him vulnerable, the moment hands are on his skin all worry melts away. fabric discarded, one small step closer to the one thing they always denied themselves. words sound like a promise, and he's swallowing down thick. so many years of anticipation leading up to this moment. " yeah — " exhales, focus only on the way kash's mouth feels, on the goosebumps that seem to be left in their wake. " and how exactly do you want me to make it up to you ? " a pause, hands moving to take the others face in his hands, bring his focus back. smirk no time to grow before he's kissing him again, and this time there is nothing soft about it. it's fervorous, needy. he's pretty sure everything he's never been able to say is poured into it, feels like it brings air he's been missing back into his lungs despite the fact he's practically breathless. the touch upon face soon drops, fingertips leaving a slow, teasing trail until they reach his waistband. " i'll do anything you want, " a fact uttered into his mouth, " all you have to do is ask nicely. " or maybe he doesn't have to ask at all, because cruz is already working to undo his pants. is pulling himself away from the kiss to climb off him, slide to his knees before the other like he's about to worship him. and maybe he is. maybe he always has. " you said you liked me on my knees, right ? " teeth sink into swollen lesser, heart racing as he tugs on kash's pants, discards another piece of clothing that stands between them. " is this what you had in mind ? " smirks up at him, excitement reflected in his eyes before head drops, mouth peppering kisses up his inner thigh. he's usually so submissive, usually waits for instruction. but with kash he wants to hear him ask for it, wants to know how badly he needs it. needs him.

a sweet deal . it provokes a little green monster to stretch and yawn inside of his head , skipping to the worst conclusion . jaw ticks , " that so ? " rough timbre laces with agitation , mind wandering to who he's shacked up with and if they even bother with separate rooms . if they share the same bed , if they make breakfast together , if they hear all the same stories he used to . " see , i'm not convinced . must not be too sweet if you're here with me . " or maybe that's just what he's telling himself . after all , some people are cool with open relationships . a concept that he would never understand with how viciously territorial he is , and if he were with cruz ? wouldn't allow anybody close enough to touch him , especially not in the way he plans to . sees the same shade of jealousy dousing him now and there's a hint of satisfaction flowing through his veins , knowing that a part of him cares .. that it isn't only one - sided . even if he is with someone else . though , the smile kissed into the corner of his lips falters , brows pulling . " i take my time with what matters . " says carefully , choosing words wisely as thumbs massage patterns into his inner thighs , " and , unfortunately , " hums , head leaning back to admire him with mirth dancing in his eyes , " mildred is expiring . don't think she has much time left . " wouldn't usually ease his mind so easily but he doesn't want to play games tonight . not when he has him like this , for the first time in years , and he's worried that any second , a light bulb will go off in that pretty head of his and he'll run away . and slip right through his fingers . again . a deep , surprised chuckle rumbles past his lips , tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth . " you calling me ugly while your cock is hard is a weird way to flirt . you trying to play hard to get again ? " eyes falter to his lips , how pink and perfect they are , and as he sinks lower , his head tilts and he meets him halfway . takes no initiative and allows him to kiss him tentatively , one palm moving to grip his jaw and hold him there like he's something precious . and he is . too fucking good for him , too good for anybody . a groan rumbles against his mouth at his admission . it licks at the deepest parts of him and awakens something inside that he thought died all of those years ago . ironically around the same time a for sale sign went up in his yard . and he wants more of it , more of him . hips buck into his as hand greedily dips beneath the hem of his shirt , up his abdomen and slowly encourages the piece of fabric off , slipping it over his head . " i am going to fuck you , cruz . " timbre is deeper , raspier as dark eyes slowly slip down his frame ravenously , restraint keeping from flipping him over and taking him right there . and he's dipping his head to lick down his throat to his chest , " but you were talking a lot of shit at the bar ... need you to show me how sorry you are first . "

[pinkpcny]

cruz can't even bring himself to be offended. it is something he should work on, but that would require a little too much self-reflection and he's not quite ready to dive into that mess. thinks if he was to even dare crack the floodgates open an inch then he'd drown. " maybe, " he shrugs, like it's oh so casual. like standing here talking to kash doesn't make him second guess everything. " but i don't think i'll work on that tonight, or anytime soon. " he's clinging to it — or he's trying to at the very least — the composure that seems to be slipping from his white knuckled grip with every passing second. he fears that the other can see right through him, that despite everything he's trying to conceal, his eyes give it all away. " half-price drinks, " he's quick to respond, though the truth is he isn't even a big drinker, has always preferred the feeling of getting high than getting wasted, " too good of a deal to pass up. hard as it might be to get through your head, my world doesn't actually revolve around you. " in this moment it feels like it might, however. every other voice drowned out, focus entirely on kash and no matter how much he wills it, he can't tear his doe-eyed stare away. caught in a trap, just like he always seems to be. chest to chest and now there's a lump in his throat, swallows it down a little too noticeably. threatens to spread goosebumps across his skin and kash hasn't even touched him properly yet. he might feel pathetic if there wasn't such a rush at the mere thought of it. " yeah, " he exhales, smoke filling the space between offering him a moment of reprieve, " a lot of people prefer me like that. i'm sure he won't be an exception. " but he doesn't really want to leave with him, does he ? not now. not when it's so clear that part of him still belongs elsewhere.

snorts   ,   puff   of   smoke   emitting   past   lips   as   eyes   darken   along   the   curvature   of   his   smile   .   has   plenty   of   ideas   on   how   to   wipe   it   off   but   refrains   .   for   now   .   "   sounds   like   something   you   need   to   work   on   .   starting   by   not   leaving   with   someone   that   looks   like   they   crawled   out   of   a   fuckin'   sewage   drain   .   "   despite   dryness   of   his   retort   ,   bitterness   clings   to   each   spit   syllable   .   isn't   exactly   the   most   loyal   person   and   sure   as   shit   isn't   a   good   one   ,   but   possessiveness   courses   through   veins   like   a   plague   regardless   .   and   unfortunately   for   them   both   ,   he   isn't   safe   from   it   .   "   don't   have   a   problem   with   shit   ,   but   i   do   know   you're   lying   .   "   or   at   least   ,   ego   says   so   .   stare   burns   into   his   skin   with   every   daring   step   he   takes   in   his   direction   ,   a   smirk   slowly   inching   along   his   lips   as   dart   is   stolen   from   between   them   .   "   you   choose   this   specific   bar   to   get   laid   at   for   a   reason   ,   cruz   ?   "   and   it's   his   turn   to   take   a   step   forward   ,   their   chests   brushing   ,   "   nothin'   to   do   with   me   playing   a   gig   here   or   anything   ?   "   eyes   hone   in   on   the   way   cigarette   is   wrapped   perfectly   between   his   brims   and   wonders   if   he   can   taste   the   memory   of   his   lips   on   it   ,   too   ,   an   almost   erotic   notion   that   has   heart   thumping   a   little   harder   .   "   i   prefer   you   on   your   knees   ,   actually   .   "