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pacifymebby · 1 year ago

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Words can't describe how much I loved this <3

The Two of Hearts

prompt: ( requested ) during a terrible storm, you're invited to stay at your boss' house. years of tip-toeing around one another comes to an end when emotions are finally laid on the table.

pairing: Tommy Shelby x female!reader

fandom masterlist: Peaky Blinders

word count: 3.5k+

warning: honestly, it's pretty tame. some cursing, kinda-sorta one bed, most def OC Tommy, fluff, post-Grace.

With a grunt, you threw the file of paperwork from your hands across the empty room; scattering across the floor. You were agitated, grouchy, beyond exhausted, and yet, there was no use in trying to leave when the worst storm to ransack England was being unleashed from the seediest parts of hell.

All you wanted was to go to bed for about 16 hours, but as midnight ticked closer and closer, that dream was dwindling. You'd be lucky to get a few hours at this point since your job was demanding enough to warrant early mornings and late nights. But this night was later than ever before.

You often wondered if your employer's antics brought this hell-storm upon you all, but figured, God didn't care that much about Small Heath. He most certainly didn't care for the Devil running it.

"Woah!" A voice laughed when the file went flying. "Gott'an arm on yah, love! Nearly took me fuckin' eye out!"

"Ha-ha," you mocked John Shelby, your employer's younger brother. "What're you still doing here?"

"I was about to ask you the same," he smirked, squatting so he was in front of you with an exaggerated pout. "Why're you still here, love? Tommy's still gotcha workin'?"

"No, it's my own vocation."

"Tommy don't pay overtime, sweetheart."

"No shit," your eyes rolled. "In case I'm the only one capable of seeing it, there's an outlandish storm outside that prevents me from getting home." You gestured around where you sat on the floor, surrounded by files and other paperwork, "So, what else was I gonna do to pass the time?"

"It's not that bad," he waved you off. "C'mon, I'm off t'the Garrison, come with me, love. We can drink 'til the storm passes, huh?"

"John, seriously, I'm warning you," you deadpanned, watching him adjust his flatcap.

"C'mon, sweet cheeks, we can endure it," he laughed, opening the door and literally being shoved back by the force of the wind. You didn't make a sound, just reaching to hold down the papers around you as he grunted and groaned, trying to shut the flailing door; only able to once he threw his entire weight into it.

"Told you," you mused, his face and coat dripping wet from the short time the door was open.

"So, you're staying here, then?" He asked, panting, trying to play off the entire ordeal.

"I figured I'd get some more work done, it's not like Tommy gives any days off," you shrugged.

"He'd give you whatever you asked for," John smirked, taking his coat off.

"No, he needs me to do shit on the daily, there aren't days off, John Boy," you rolled your eyes playfully. "But I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed to work for you idiots."

"Hey," he pouted.

"Oh, honey, if it helps any, you're my favorite idiot!"

"Good," he pointed at you with a small laugh. "But seriously, love, if you need the day off, Tommy would do it."

"No, there's so much to do here," you frowned. "We're on track to reopen in a few weeks, and if I take a day off, we'll fall behind, and you know Tommy doesn't do delays."

The gambling den the Shelby's operated was getting a make over now that The Shelby Company Limited was soon to be up and running. Hence why you were there in an empty room with only files around you and a dimly lit lap, you were trying to get shit organized before furniture could be moved back in.

You would have to restock Polly's office, Tommy's, Arthur's, and John's - all of who were Company members and would need their space to work. Not to mention the completely different office Tommy was currently eyeing to use as his base of operation, something you, as his personal assistant, was expected to help with every step of the way. Honestly, it was a miracle Tommy was ever able to get shit done before you - an organizational Goddess.

"Well," John sighed, looking around for a moment before shrugging and placing his hands on his hips, "want some help?"

You chuckled, "No, it's all right, John, you go on. Surely the lads will be home soon - "

Speak of the Devil! And He will appear!

The door burst open, sending your files every which way from the gust of wind; several bodies shoving their way inside before the lone, single body of Tommy Shelby stalked in last. He shut the door without issue, being a force of nature himself; a professionally observant, silent, lone menace that commanded the attention of any room he walked into. People on the street parted for him like the Red Sea, flocked to the darkened parts of the streets just to get a glimpse of the gangster in motion.

For as long as you can remember, you've harbored overwhelming affection for your boss, but never once vocalized it out of sheer fear of rejection.

He was Thomas Shelby. He was an enigma; a mysterious, stoic man that instilled a sense of fear and respect from those around him. You included, but yet never dare let your admiration for your employer be known in public. You loved him from a distance; admiring him and feeling yourself fall further into your unrequited love due to the intimate proximity you shared. He's always treated you as exactly what you were - a valuable member of the Company and his personal assistant. You worked intimately together on a daily basis, and each night you went home, you would scream into a pillow out of sheer frustration.

Being his personal assistant meant you were constantly in close proximity, and no matter how hard you tried to fight your feelings, it was impossible. He was Thomas bloody Shelby - insanely suave, charismatic, a deep nut to crack, but once he opened up, he was insanely loyal, caring, even decently amusing. He was all you wanted, but never felt secure enough to admit your feelings for him.

You were greeted happily by the men, all piling into the Shelby home to take refuge from the storm. You were left to silently rock to your feet and start gathering the papers that had gone flying in their entrance, glancing up when a hand offered help in rounding up your supplies. "Thank you, Mr. Shelby, but I got it," you insisted quietly, accepting the pages he handed you.

Tommy always had a soft spot for you.

He was silent for a moment, then asked, "What're you still doin' here?"

"Storm makes it impossible to get home," you shrugged. "I was waiting until it lessened, but it doesn't seem to," you glanced out the window, still shuffling files and papers together.

"You've worked all day," he sighed, "c'mon."

"Uh... Where?"

"Think you've earned a drink," he eased, already striding out of the room. You quickly finished gathering your papers, stacking them all together, but was pleasantly shocked when Tommy returned to the empty room with two glasses and a bottle of whiskey.

"Mr. Shelby, don't - "

But he was already sat on the ground, back against a wall, watching you with amusement. "Think a man's too good to sit on the floor?" He asked, uncorking the bottle.

"When their suit is so expensive that I have to take it to a specific cleaners, perhaps, then yes," you answered truthfully.

"I've money to spare, I can send this suit to be cleaned by another errand boy, you won't have to any longer," he poured two glasses of whiskey, "but tonight's company is too good to pass up."

You laughed, "Oh, no, what did you do?"

"Hmm?"

"You're kissing my arse a little, what've you done? What mess do I have to clean tomorrow?"

He smirked as you finally sat beside him, a bit stiffly, but accepted the drink he served. "Nothing, love, this storm's put a halt on everything," he gestured to the window, unaware that your heart stalled in your chest when you heard him call you 'love'. "What is it you were working on?" He asked, fingering the few files stacked between you. "Ah," he mused, reading the titles of the packets, "trying to get a jump on tomorrow, huh?"

"Not very much else to do," you shrugged. "I... I got a little frustrated. I think I'll need Polly to go over a few things with me."

"I'm sure you've got it," he spoke quietly. "I wouldn't have hired you if incapable."

You nodded, "Right, of course, sir."

Mr. Shelby offered you a look, taking a swig of whiskey. "You know, after hours, you don't have to be so professional."

"You didn't hire me to be unprofessional, though."

"No, I didn't, but this isn't a work meeting," he offered his glass. "We can still be friendly, can we not?"

You clinked his glass with yours, "Sure, of course we can..." How the hell could you be 'friendly' to the man you've pined after for the past two years? "So, I heard Grace skipped town," you started, instantly wincing when you realized what you said. "I-I'm so sorry, Mr. Shelby, I didn't mean to - "

But he chuckled, "You heard correct." He waited a long moment, then offered, "She's gone - for good."

You tested the waters, "Is... That a good thing?"

"It is."

"I thought you liked the barmaid?"

"I thought I did, too, but I've been wrong before."

"I doubt that."

"No, truly," he smirked, "I've made my fair share of mistakes."

"That you'd be willing to admit to?"

"Well, that's a different story," he mused, downing the last of his glass. "C'mon," he decided, sitting up, "the others are in the den, if you'd like to join?"

"Oh, no, I don't wish to intrude."

"Where were you going to sleep, then? If this storm doesn't die off in the next hour?" You gestured to where your coat and belongings were bunched up beside you, shrugging lightly. "No, absolutely not," he glared when he took in your makeshift bed, "you're coming in, you'll stay the night here."

"No, you lot are having family time - "

"And why do you assume you aren't family yet?" He asked sharply, making you reel back a little. "Three years, you've worked with my family, a portion of that before any of us came home. C'mon, love, you're more family than others wish to pretend to be."

"You mean that?" You worried softly.

He offered a look of mild offense, "I don't speak to hear the sound of my own voice. I would not say it if I did not mean it."

The whiskey in your system encouraged you to offer a sharp look, snipping, "It would not kill you to just say, 'Yes, I mean it.'"

Tommy smirked lightly, nodding, "Yes, I mean it. Come, you'll stay here tonight."

You couldn't fight off the smile even if you tried. With your coat and purse in one hand, Tommy took the other to help you off the floor. Like a gentleman, he took your belongings before leading you further into the Shelby home; leaving the empty gambling den to find the others all stuffed around a table with a card game loudly being played; fireplace stoked to life.

Polly greeted you happily, not knowing you were still here. Tommy set your things to the side as Arthur wrangled you into the seat beside him - insisting you had to be on his team! A quick sniff of his tea mug assured he was waist deep in the whiskey.

"Okay! New player at the table!" John announced, yanking all the cards back to hand over to Polly. They were all smoking, minus you and Finn. "You all know the rules - hey, hey, hey, no! Tommy's not on her team!" He pointed at you and his brother, who had sat beside you to sandwich you between Shelby's.

"Why not?" Tom asked, accepting the tea from Polly as Finn handed you your own.

"Thank you, little love," you whispered, pecking his cheek as he giggled.

"Becuase you two can communicate without words - it's fucking weird!" John insisted. "All right! Polly, you're with Tommy - the fucker likes to cheat."

"Being better than you isn't cheating, John Boy."

"Is when there's money on the line!" John laughed, Arthur leaning over to explain to you the game. He was actually a very good teacher, and even for a few rounds, you weren't a "viable player" just to let you watch and get the gist of things.

However, when you joined the game, it was far more intense than you had given credit for. But the Shelby's were competitive lads, Polly just happy to laugh and remind the boys of the rules; letting them dominate the table as you were content to just watch, laugh, and sip your tea. After a few rounds, Finn came over and hopped up on your lap, declaring you two a team now, and believe it or not, you won the next three hands!

"CHEATERS! AYE!?" John yelled, laughing right after as a boom of thunder rattled the home.

"No, call that beginners luck!" Arthur tried to defend, Tommy lighting a new cigarette.

"Or maybe John's just not accustomed to losing?" You grinned. "Especially from a lady?"

"I lost to a lady? Where? Where is she?" John looked around comically, earning a swift kick under the table that rattled the tea cups.

"All right, all right, next hand, we play for money, come on, come on, bets in the center," Polly instructed. "Finn, don't," she warned and you reached up to push the lad's hand down as he was ready to toss in a few pounds.

"Here, I'll cover us," you told the little lad, both grinning when you offered money to the center. Unknown to you, Tommy was keeping mental track of however much you were betting - intent to pay you back. Yet he didn't say anything, content to watch you and Finn have fun together.

Arthur and John were the most vocal of the group, arguing about scores and tallies and who won which round. You chuckled as Finn leaned into your chest, everyone waiting for the two to finish arguing; Polly looking over with a broad smirk before dropping her gaze. Tommy had seemingly naturally moved closer to you, one arm extended behind your chair to keep you close to his warmth.

Neither seemed to notice.

Not even when you would turn to crack a joke directly in Tommy's ear, his lips spreading in an easy smile that made Polly fight off her own grin. Grace was something special to Tommy, sure, this was true, but after the time together, she could tell that the two of you had become something more - without even verbalizing it.

Never realizing.

Hours passed, the storm still raged, two cartons of cigarettes was smoked between the lot of them, and there was no clear winner in sight. Finn had fully deflated into your embrace, asleep despite the loud thunder and blinding flashes of lightning. Your head had lulled onto Tommy's shoulder, sleep clawing at your eyelids as you listened to a drunken John and Arthur still argue about the card game. Polly eventually called it quits and bid everyone a goodnight, smiling softly when she noted the cozy seating between you and Tommy.

The longer you sat there, you more exhausted you became.

"C'mon, love," Tommy whispered softly, rousing you from your half-sleep, "let's get you to bed. C'mon, up you get," he smirked, aiding you from your chair as you kept a firm hold on his little brother. "We'll see you lot in the morning," he told his brothers.

"Night," John and Arthur waved, still deep into their argument, but smirking to one another when Tommy lead you up the stairs. When you were gone from sight, John leaned in and asked his eldest brother, "Think Tommy'll make a move tonight?"

Arthur glanced up the stairs, musing, "If he doesn't, he might be stupider then we thought."

John agreed.

Upstairs, Tommy opened the bedroom door and let you lay Finn softly on his bed, pausing to tug his shoes off and cover him with his blanket; moving his stuffed teddy bear closer and watching his sleeping hand naturally curl around it. You snuck out of the door, Tommy shutting the door, and tangled your hand with his.

Silently, he lead you to his bedroom.

It was small, ridiculously small, but it was enough for his single person. Tommy shut the door after you, moving around, muttering, "You can sleep in this," as he handed you one of his shirts, "and I'll be in the drawing room if you need me - "

"Tommy, I'm not kicking you out of your room," you sighed. "I can sleep on the sofa for the night, it's not - "

"I'm not letting you do that," he refused sharply.

"Then we seem to be at an impasse," you decided with perked brows. "Either we're both sleeping on the sofa or we both crash your bed. You choose."

He chuckled dryly, "And here I thought the whiskey would make you less stubborn."

"Wishful thinking."

He nodded, letting you have the room to change and get under the covers. It was decently cold in his room, more so without pants; the storm doing nothing to remedy that, and when Tommy returned, everything felt different.

A good different, but still different.

Neither of you made eye contact, him joining you in the absurdly small bed after blowing the candles out. You settled on your side, facing the wall, and after a few moments of adjusting, Tommy was settling down - but hesitating to deflate in comfort.

"Is it all right if I, uh... If I...?"

"Yeah, 's all right, Tommy," you whispered, reaching for the hand that hovered over your waist and pulling it so he was curled around you. It was all he needed to readjust, sigh to himself, and deflate against your back. You shivered slightly when his warm breath fanned over your neck and shoulder; his hand splaying over your belly and rubbing his thumb mindlessly. "Thank you for letting me stay the night," you whispered.

"Wasn't gonna send you home in this weather," he answered, voice vibrating the shell of your ear. "Besides," he whispered in a sigh, "this is where I wanted you, and where I wanted to be."

You chuckled, "Oh, yeah? So cold in here you need a warm body in bed with you?"

"No," he whispered, "but I've been in love with you for months now that I didn't want you far from me. Doesn't feel right, seeing you go home without me - everyday. I was overjoyed to come back and see you still here."

"What?" He didn't let you turn around, just kept you both there; locked in your spoon. "Tommy, what're you saying?"

He took a sobering breath, "That this is what I want, this is where I want us to be."

"That's the whiskey talking."

"No, love, it's you," his lips danced across your ear, making you shiver. "It's always been you, but I wasn't in my right mind to do anything about it."

"And now you are?"

"I might be, I couldn't go another minute with you thinking I don't want you - that I don't value you in my life. The fact that you were ready to sleep downstairs hurt me more than I'm willing to admit," he sighed, "and I knew, I needed to confess a few things so you know, you're welcome in this family. You won't ever sleep downstairs, love, you're meant to be here... With me... If you want to be."

You had to slap his hand to get him to loosen his grip and let you turn around to face him; but his hand remained on your, moving up to grip your ribs. In a whisper, you asked, "You're being honest? Genuine?"

"I can't lie to you, you can always tell. So, am I lying?"

"I don't think so," you whispered with skepticism, eyes narrowed. Neither of your voices rose above a whisper, "Why say any of this, Tommy?"

"Because the idea of going another day without at least trying to tell you how I feel was beginning to feel suffocating."

"What about Grace?"

"It's taken me a bit, but I know now that I was infatuated with her simply because I had already decided you were out of my league."

"Do you hear yourself?" You grinned, caressing his cheek. "You're everything I've wished for, Tommy, but know I can't have. You're the one in a league of your own, I'm the one unable to touch you."

His head shook, "You're all I've wanted and more. I wasn't sure you'd think it appropriate - my affection for you - given you work for me."

"The same reason I feared voicing my affection for you, too."

"Now that it's in the open," he whispered, "how do you want to proceed?"

"We can figure logistics out later," you smiled, tracing your fingertips over his face, "but for now, I just want to enjoy this. I never thought you'd look at me the same way, and now that you do, I don't want to look away."

"You won't have to," he whispered. "I'm in this for us, my sweet, if you are."

"Nowhere I'd rather be," you whispered, cuddled close, and simply breathing the same air. For a single moment, Tommy felt unparalleled peace; the shovels quiet, heart content, and body warm.

requesting rules and masterlist

Peaky Blinders masterlist

#pacifymebby recs

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vanmccannsfridge · 4 months ago

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Do you have any catb fanfic recs?

personally i hardly read them anymore so i’m not the best to ask sorry ! 😅

here’s some that i know made/ make them though 🤍 most are inactive now

@catb-fics ( @your-divine-ribs ) @icouldntfindquiet @pacifymebby @timeforaciggy @vangoddamn @you-andthebottlemen @saintmccann @nowthenlove-blog @sounds-like-humpty-dumpty @fanfictionformost-blog @lovely-van @steppedoffaflight

but if anyone has any recommendations please reply !

#i knew keeping my notes from lockdown would pay off 😂#amy asks💌

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zablife · 2 years ago

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Peaky Blinders Rec List

I've been thinking of doing this for some time to show my appreciation to those who have given me hours of entertainment with their stories, moodboards and GIFs. Recently I've seen a few posts asking if there are any writers left in the Peaky fandom. The short answer is YES!! The longer answer of just how many incredibly talented writers there are and their amazing work is listed below the cut. Go follow them, read their work and please comment and reblog! Happy reading and thank you to all these lovely people who share their work with us!

Updated 5/6/24

@peakyscillian Masterlist Incredible Tommy smut!

@inkwolvesandcoffee Masterlist The most creative Alfie content I've read with gorgeous moodboards.

@dandelionprints Masterlist Amazing new writer with fresh Tommy fics!

@buttercupsandboys Masterlist One of my new fave Alfie series!

@moral-terpitude Masterlist So much amazing Tommy content from one shots to series!!

@raincoffeeandfandoms Masterlist Lovely, creative fics for Alfie, Tommy and Luca. As well as the most inspiring moodboards.

@dreamlandcreations Masterlist Amazing Alfie writer and incredible moodboard creator.

@cillmequick Masterlist Amazing series for both Cillian and Tommy that will make you laugh and cry in equal measure.

@notyour-valentine Masterlist Thoughtfully crafted stories that will touch you deeply.

@pherelesytsia Masterlist Tommy fics written in the language of pure poetry. Soft, romantic and utterly beautiful.

@little-diable Masterlist One of the best Tommy Shelby smut writers I've read! Inventive and smart, not to mention devilishly clever!

@xxblackballoonxx Masterlist My fave John Shelby writer!!

@evita-shelby Masterlist Series writer with a strong heroine OC I adore.

@peakyswritings Masterlist A gold mine of Peaky content! One of my fave writers.

@flysafepapi Masterlist Creative genius, horror, vampire AU, so many incredible ideas here.

@shelbydelrey Masterlist Tommy fics with an edge. Mysterious, intriguiging, never dull and always accompanied by amazing moodboards.

@look-at-the-soul Masterlist Cillian and Tommy fics that are so heartfelt and emotional.

@noforkingclue Masterlist Writes the best dark!Tommy ever!

@garrison-girl-08 Masterlist Cillian and Tommy series that are so so addictive!!

@runnning-outof-time Masterlist Consistently amazing Tommy content! No one works harder, but makes it look so easy!

@murderousginger Masterlist One of the most creative writers who never runs out of good ideas. Truly awe inspiring.

@amysteryspot Masterlist Delicious, descriptive writing for Tommy and Alfie one shots and series.

@madame-wilsonn Masterlist A lady of impeccable taste who writes beautifully. Check out her Tommy, Alfie and Arthur fics!

@solomons-finest-rum Masterlist My fave Alfie writer of all time!! Captures his voice like no other.

@theshelbyclan Masterlist A wonderfully gifted writer who provides heartwarming Shelby family fics and the most amazing OC of all time Teddy Shelby!

@pacifymebby Masterlist Writes incredibly detailed headcanons and preferences for the Peaky men that are perfectly in character.

@red-riding-wood Masterlist Specializing in Luca Changretta fics with rich descriptions and compelling narratives.

@thesoldiersminute Gorgeous GIFs I can't stop staring at!

@midnightmagpiemama Masterlist Lovely combination of fluffy, smutty Tommy fics.

@peakyblinded Amazing GIFs and all around lovely person to chat with

@toms-cherry-trees Masterlist Some of the most gorgeous prose I've ever read for Tommy as well as a few other Peaky characters.

@sneakyblinders Masterlist Creator of two separate Tommy AUs that are so creative and immersive.

@anonymooseforever007 Masterlist Writes for many Peaky characters, specializing in humorous, witty dialogue.

@brummiereader Masterlist Amazing series writer for Tommy!

@call-sign-shark Masterlist Mainly writes an incredible series for Arthur, but also one shots for Tommy.

@peakyltd Masterlist Lovely one shots for Tommy, Arthur and John along with the most gorgeous moodboards.

@everythingelseisextra masterlist Formerly @priceofasapphire. Writing under a new blog now with loads of wonderful content.

@darklydeliciousdesires Masterlist Series and one shots for Alfie and John. Incredible smut and fluff!

@rysko Masterlist New writer with amazing Luca content!

I am certain I have missed writers I admire so I will add to this list as I remember people. If I have missed you, I apologize!

#Peaky Blinders fanfic #Peaky Blinders imagine #zablife recommends

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catb-fics · 2 years ago

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Do you read any fanfics? If so what are your favorite ones? I’m looking for a new one and I feel like i’ve read all of them but I’m also open to re reading the really good ones so just curious what yours are? I asked a few others this as well lol!!

I think I posted my faves on here before, if you search fic recs you should be able to find it. I used to devour every vanfic I could find a few years back but I don’t read an awful lot these days… I need to make time though and catch up as there are/were some amazing writers ❤️

It’s just a shame the way things are there’s probably not going to be an awful lot of new writers popping up now 😢

You’ve probably read these but if I had to choose my all time fave fanfics I’d prob say…

Beige by @lovely-van - this is my ultimate comfort fic I do still read this over again from time to time as it’s so cute and wholesome and it just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside 🥰

Pacifier by @pacifymebby - omg wow the story is amazing and the characters are brilliant I was so hooked on this story I must read it again one day

Only Ones Who Know by @greasyvan - proper heart-breaking angsty stuff I love this story even though it killed me when I read it

Red by CherryGallagher on Wattpad - think this was like one of the first fanfics I read so it’s got a special place in my heart as started my love of fics and made me want to have a go at it myself

What are your faves? I ought to do a link on my pinned post for fic recs that we all love 💗

#fic recs

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steppedoffaflight · 4 years ago

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you have opened my eyes about hockey fic being a thing. i had no idea! i feel like an old lady. while we're at it, are there any particular catb-world fics you love? as your other anon said, your taste is exquisite.

Thank you very much for this compliment!!! Also I feel like I’ve broken the news that there’s a hockey fandom to waaay too many people 😂 I don’t know why but most of the blogs in my old fandom simply transitioned right into hockey, so I’ve been halfway familiar with it for a long time but apparently that’s not normal!

I can definitely rec you some catb stuff, although it’s been a while since I’ve read any! When I join a new fandom I always start with reading the fic to kind of get a feel of what people think of the person, but I know a lot of the catfish writing community faded away by the time I officially made my blog here and started writing my own fic. There’s authors on here I’m really sad I didn’t get to meet in the community!

First of all I would recommend anything by @saintmccann, but her roadtrip fic forever takes up a space in my heart (the chapter in sak where they roadtrip to Arizona is actually an ode to it). The ending is so heart-wrenching, it gutted me. I also revisit read my mind time and time again, for me it’s a great example of balance between smut and plot!

The first fic I ever read in the fandom is the Sidetrack au from @you-andthebottlemen, so it’s very sentimental to me! It was my first real look at how people see Van, and I loved it! All of her other stuff is wonderful as well.

@godlyvan has a long masterlist with lots of good stuff!

this oneshot by @greasyvan lives in my mind rent free

@pacifymebby has an incredible Bondy fic on wattpad, it’s very long and perfect for a nice binge! It’s unfinished but the Bondy slowburn is worth the pain of waiting for updates!! Also check out her T-Shirt Weather blurbs if you would like to die of longing for Bondy as well.

I also recommend @okayohay‘s fic on wattpad, another long one that’s amazing to get lost in! There’s some heavy content relating to domestic violence and stalking, but I feel like everything is properly warned for so I was well prepared when I got to those parts.

And lastly but never leastly, @fenderswift has cigarettes are repulsive which is incredible (duh), and I would love if you all harassed her to write some more!!!

These are just what I have in my bookmarks, I’m positive I have more recommendations, but hopefully this has something for you!

#asks #fic rec

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vanmccantfish · 4 years ago

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Do you have any catb blog recs?? My feed is so dead 😢

great ask!! here are some of the incredible catblogs i've been LOVING recently (okay so they're not all 100% catfish but trust me, it's all good baby!)

@icanttakethemonmyown @you-will-be-found @textbookx @landedinaverycommoncrisis-505 @thatflowerpower @catfish-and-the-koenig @lovely-van @sounds-like-humpty-dumpty @vangoddamn @smother-me-in-lippy @catfishandthegatormen @xtyrantsandtrippinx @xalongfortheridex @vans-microphone @fluctuate-arouund-you @distorsionad-a @ohbuthoneyy @pacifymebby @timeforaciggy @the-bottlemen @aheadfullofskies @fineosaur @melodycallers @vanaccessiblr @forgive-me-honey @toucanss @tthebalcony @vanslefthand @the-bottlemen @notaprettypoet @stopmakingtheeyes @doomed-syko @allthemixedfeelings @forgive-me-honey

if you are/you know a catfish blog that i haven't mentioned here, firstly i offer my sincerest apologies for this (quite frankly) grave oversight, and secondly please like/reblog this to let me know so i can follow you all!!

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pacifymebby · 1 year ago

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Do you have any fave LGBTQ+ literature, tv, movies, content creators?

Okay so I'm still trying really hard to find queer books that I like because beyond Allen Ginsburg in college we weren't taught any LGBTQ+ authors/poets (except Carol Ann Duffy but the only thing I'd recommend about her work is to stay away because I hate it haha)(I probably hate it because of school tbh, sorry Carol) so anyway yeah, when it comes to this I've had to do all the searching myself and I don't really know how well I've done.

But for books:

🍂 Orlando / Virginia Woolf

I kind of can't believe Virginia Woolf wasn't on my other recommendations because The Waves is one of my favourite books (again I think you have to have a lot of patience but it is beautiful) and this one is brilliant too. A man wakes up in a woman's body and gender roles are revealed to be a little bit silly.

🍂 Thérèse and Isabelle / Violet Leduc

Erotic novella about two girls at boarding school, low-key spoke to me as a bi girl who kind of started realising her bisexuality when exploring sexuality was sort of thrust upon me by female friends at school I guess. It's just a good example of feminine sexuality and desire written by someone who knows.

🍂 Chelsea Girls / Eileen Myles

I'm very into Eileen Myles as a poet and these stories are so so so so so fucking good too!!!!

🍂 In The Dream House / Carmen María Machado

I got into this because it's what Google recs when you finish The Dangers of Smoking in Bed / Mariana Enriquez and honestly, I didn't enjoy it as much but it was still amazing. It's gothic horror af but also a really important work on abusive relationships within the queer community which the author has personal experience of and thinks isn't spoken about enough. Its really haunting, did fuck me up a bit but ultimately in a good way. But be careful because it does chronical abuse and that can be upsetting.

🍂 On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous/ Ocean Vuong

Another one where I love their poetry and think they can do no wrong tbh, I haven't finished this yet (I keep getting distracted but don't be put off by that I'm just really easily distracted!!) And I think it's wonderful idk. It's also written in quite a cool style which is always a bonus I find.

🍂 Our Wives Under the Sea / Julia Armfield

I actually only read this because I read an essay on the Exorcist and body horror by the author where she talks about her experience with having a cyst that had to be operated on twice. The essay was so stunning that I was like damn, gonna have to read that book everyone's talking about now and bestie, was worth it. The books class also.

🍂 Sister Outsider / Audre Lorde

I just think everyone should read Audre Lorde, Audre Lorde should have been on the curriculum instead of endless Simon Armitage idk. I read this and Your Silence Will Not Protect You as a 19 year old and they changed the course of my life idk.

🍂 Communion / bell hookes

Read this and broke up with my shitty ex boyfriend. It's not entirely about lesbianism but more kind of, love in general, platonic, romantic, what it really means to love. She talks about the feminist choice to choose lesbianism which was a phenomenon in the 70s and also discusses a lot to do with how misogyny impacts womens ability to love and be loved. It was a really important read for me, made all the more important because when I picked up the book my boyfriend ripped into her name and tried to be like lol what would you read her for...and then I read it and was like oh HE'S the problem.

Poetry:

🐇Howl / Allen Ginsburg

I know he's problematic but for me Howl was the prototype, the first massive poem I read and loved as an adult, the first one where language really sounded musical to me, the first poem I heard that Hurt. If you can you should listen to the YouTube of him reading it in San Francisco,that's amazing.

I also really like A Supermarket in California.

🐇 Sappho

Just all of it I guess, I think we're all eventually pushed towards Sappho and for good reason.

🐇Emily Dickinson

Read her letters to Sue, Open Me Carefully. I read these one summer between school years and I think they changed me. Her poetry in general is wonderful, some of it occasionally comes off as very old fashioned (shock horror our girl was born in the 1800s) but there's much to savour there. Also apparently there's a TV series about her life on Apple TV, I don't have Apple TV though so I haven't seen it.

As for TV and movies I don't think I have anything at all. I don't watch a lot of TV and I mostly only watch the same 5 old man movies on repeat. I think books have always been my thing, I can concentrate on reading in a way I can't concentrate on TV and also just the fact you can put your book in your pocket and get it out on the bus, in the staff room, at school, at the pub when you're waiting for your pals etc... I was always a headphones and books gal so I don't really have any recs for TV. Sorry :/

EDIT: Kill Your Darlings!!!! As in the movie, if you're into the beats you should watch it, it's very good and a real insight into what was in reality a pretty nasty little scene.

#pacifymebby recs #pacifymebby books

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pacifymebby · 1 year ago

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Hey what are your favourite books? I’m so intrigued about what books you’ve talked about to musicians about, because I too have ripped into many an indie boy about only ever paying attention to Bukowski hahah so relate

Hiiii!!! This is my favourite thing to talk about so thank I for the ask <3

So I'm not gonna lie, for all I rip into indie boys for Bukowski, some of my favourite books are by people just as bad morally haha

Also this is gonna be longggg because my taste varies so much

I think my favourite books/most treasured/ almost always guaranteed to have one of these in my bag at all times are:

🌿 Quite Early One Morning/Dylan Thomas

Man's a genius when it comes to a vivid, touching, somewhat haunted short story, there's so much life and spirit in every single memory he tells, and if you listen to him reading his own stories you feel them hit all the harder. Something really homely and cosy and I read them whenever I'm feeling sad. This little books been all over with me.

🌿The Dear Green Place / Archie Hind

When I lived down in England with my gran, I'd phone B when I was sad and he'd read down the phone to me, usually Scottish faerie tales and stuff but also this from time to time and then he gave me a copy one day and I read in cover to cover in a day or two whilst travelling and like, this is one of the ones a mean when I talk about like, "nothingy books that are sad af but beautiful, Bukowski take notes.." because it's just about a working class man living in poverty, he meets the love of his life and they marry and they live in poverty, he's desperately trying to be a writer, nothing works out for them, it's miserable, its bleak, it's fucking beautifully written, it captures the hope in being hopeless, it touches your own sadness and idk, also the man just describes industrial Glasgow beautifully. It's just beautiful. (Also no one gets raped, he doesn't think women are whores, he's a kind and mostly gentle man, it really shows you that not all men are like or think like Charles Bukowski which I think is v important)

🌿 God's Silence / Franz Wright (poetry)

Okay so, he's struggling with the death of his famous poet father, he's struggling with his faith, he's struggling with alcohol and feeling hopeless. Again melancholic, nihilistic but... well written, it actually makes you feel something, there's imagery, you can picture stuff, there are lines that hit you in your chest and stay with you forever.

🌿 How Green Was My Valley / Richard Llewellyn

This is one of my dad's favourite books and he read it to me in bits when I was sick as a teenager. But I've read it so many times now too. The funniest thing I think about this is that the guy who wrote it claimed to have based it on his own experiences as a Welshman from a Welsh mining family, but he actually spent most of his life in England. I was always read this with a "isn't our country gorgeous, aren't these descriptions beautiful," kind of attitude and part of the reason I still love it is because it's true, just the first few pages where he's describing the valley are fucking lovely and really do make me a wee bit homesick but like, it's funny to me that the man was actually about as Welsh as me.

Books musicians recommended to me (I did not like all of these):

🌜 a few weeks ago an indie boy in a band went off on one about how Perfume by Patrick Suskind is his favourite novel of all time and I was actually probably a bit too mean but A) me and my dad are both in agreement that it's just not thattt interestingly written B) it's my ex's favourite book and C) guarantee this particular indie boy is only saying it's his favourite because it was Kurt Cobains favourite.

🌜 Hangover Square / Patrick Hamilton

A member of the libertines recced this to me when I was extremely drunk about 7ish years ago haha, like drunk enough that I don't remember which one I was talking to, but he was really laying it on thick about how much he'd enjoyed reading it (I honestly think he'd just finished it because he gave me the copy out his pocket which is either like, he always keeps a book to give to girls he's chattin up or he'd just finished it idk) anyway I didn't read it for ages afterwards but then when I did I was actually like oh shit this is quite good actually. It's very dark but also quite amusing in a similar way to all the Russian stuff, like bad shits happening to the protagonist but the protagonist is a bad person so you're enjoying it I guess.

🌜 Lolita / Vladimir Nabokov

Okay so as much as we all know Lolita to be that book, there's no denying it's incredibly beautifully written, the prose is gorgeous (purposefully so because famously Nabokov was laughing at the stupid Americans he said would praise anything if you dressed it up nice enough, even noncing)

This was another rec from my "wants to be a groupie coquette" days and I'm not gonna say who it was who recommended it to me, but they read me some of it and went on a little rant about how lovely they thought it was. And I laughed at them later when I was reading it because I was like wow, you're the person this mans laughing at wow. BUT I'm also eternally grateful to them for turning me onto Nabokov when I was like 16 because Nabokov turned me onto all the other Russians and also Nabokov wrote one of my favourite books ever also. So I owe alot to the older man in the indie band who should not have been talking to me lol.

🌜 Ham on Rye / Charles Bukowski

So! Many! Men! Told me to read this book or other Bukowski books and I tried really hard with the man's poetry and stuff but fucking hell, I can't do it... I just don't think you can go from idolising Ginsburg's "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked..." to Bukowski's "People run from rain but sit in bathtubs full of water," and accept the latter as a genius because like, those poems are essentially about the same hopelessness that swept up several American generations and yet one of them captures the devastation and the hideous romance of it all and one is making snide comments about baths.

🌜Bright Dead Things / Ada Limon

This is actually one of my favourite poetry collections of all time, it's gorgeous and emotional and you will be so unsurprised to find out that it was a woman who recommended it to me, she also went off on a long and loving rant about Sylvia Plath, it was lovely. Best post gig convo ever.

🌜 Just Kids / Patti Smith

Okay Patti Smith is fine right, but every feminist boy in an indie band is going to rec this to you as proof that he reads books by women. She is good though, I didn't finish the book but that's because I started reading Touching From a Distance/Deborah Curtis at the same time and got my heart trashed so badly I couldn't pick up a book for a month afterwards.

🌜Touching From a Distance / Deborah Curtis

The man who lent me this one actually had really good taste in books and put me onto a lot of good authors (Max Porter - read Lanny - , Amalie Smith, Emma Glass, Fernanda Trias, Victoria Kennefick - eat or we both starve is very good poetry - Daisy Johnson) he's really into his musician biographies as well and he's recommended a few good ones over the years. But this is by far the best one, it's really heart wrenching and it tells the story of a family getting let down time and time again but the government/social care and healthcare in Britain and just, idk, it doesn't glamorise Ian Curtis and it doesn't dismiss any of the bad shit he did, it doesn't paint him as a lovely wouldn't hurt a fly kind of man. But it does give you a lot of insight into a complicated and painful set of experiences, and honestly I think it's written simply and beautifully too.

🌜 Homage To Catalonia / George Orwell

I'm literally just including this to let you know that if a man tells you to read George Orwell run a fucking mile. This is by far the better of his books I've read but Orwell's just a classic shitty misogynist with an inability to even write that stuff in a pretty way. Like I think the fact that he himself was very privileged and constantly trying to convince the world that be actually wasn't, and that he was really interesting just shines through so hard. You sorta read it and you don't get any of the "this man understands me" you just get "this mans boring and wining about something his rich parents could totally fix" like, he doesn't have anything good to say because he doesn't feel idk.

Other big favourites of mine that I recommend to everyone ten times a day:

🍒 Glory / Vladimir Nabokov, The Double / Vladimir Nabokov

Honestly skip Lolita and go straight to the double because it's straight up incredible, it's black humour, self made catastrophes, your main character is bad and you see him cut about making trouble for himself and it's so entertaining and just a good read. Glory is amazing for the same reason. Nabokovs been done so dirty by heart shaped Lana girls (ME!) And the men who fancy them.

🍒 Elena Ferrante / My Brilliant Friend and the rest of the Neopolitan Quartet

These are for the girls and possibly the men who want to understand the girls. It's like This Is What Makes Us Girls but set in post war Italy in a poor neighbourhood, it follows two girls who are best friends who's different lives drag them apart and push them together. It will make you feel things, it will make you write a letter to your childhood best friend, you will want to call your mother and get to know her etc. It's so so good, there's drama, there's emotion, it's not an overly complicated book full of long words so you find yourself really gripped and hooked in without having to concentrate which is great.

🍒 Tropic of Cancer/Capricorn / Henry Miller

Of all the horrific cunts out there he's the worst (apart from William Burroughs because as far as I know Henry Miller never murdered his wife?)

But he was a misogynist, he was a racist, he was just a total lowlife HOWEVER

All is forgiven (joke) because there are some heavenly passages in these two books, I remember being so breath taken when I was reading these as a sad stoned late teens girl in my lonely little London flat. I lay on my rug getting high and read these two in like 3 days and I kept crying cause the words were so fucking pretty. If Bukowski had ever written anything this pretty I'd have forgiven him for being such a pervert.

Trigger warning though, you have to be really careful with Henry miller because there's heavy violence against women in some of his books (I don't remember there being much in these tbh, just explicit but consensual sex in these two) but in some of his others he talks about raping women or beating them and it's unpleasant. He was for sure a deeply unpleasant human being. Very good writer though.

🍒The Unbearable Lightness of Being / Milan Kundera

I only read this one last winter, I was miserable and feeling like I needed to press on the emotional bruise and this book really did the trick.

Again, the main character is a womanising cunt and I would say if you ever meet a man who reminds you of him then run as fast as you can. However there's just so much beautifully written sorrow in it and again, there were passages that stole my breath away or made me swallow a lump in my throat or just straight up gasp on the train home from work.

"But is heaviness truly deplorable and lightness splendid? The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man’s body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously the image of life’s most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?"

"In the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia, even the guillotine."

I remember I underlined a lot in this book and like just searching for the passages I loved most has made me want to read it again.

🍒 The Bell Jar / Sylvia Plath

I just don't think I'd be a nymphet girlie on Tumblr if I didn't tell everyone that reading this book when I was just starting to feel the strain of uni was like, being hit with an emotional freight train and being relieved that it had hit me because that meant someone else had felt the same thing as me in the past. No one's going to write better about the intimate pain of womanhood than women I guess. The expectations everyone has on you to be bright young and beautiful like, no man's ever tapping into that no matter how empathetic they may be.

🍒 The Pachinko Parlour / Elisa Shua Dusapin

Similar to Sylvia Plath, there's just somet really touching and homely comforting when you read women in their late teens early twenties being lost and melancholic and wasting their life away and not achieving as much as they were supposed to, when you're a woman doing all of those things too. And that's what I am and what I was when I read this. The books written quite basically but not primitively, the sentences are all very simple but all the more touching for their simplicity I think.

🍒 Tristessa / Jack Kerouac

When I am miserable I put on Loveless by My Bloody Valentine and I lie in bed, languishing, reading this. It's literally just a real tragic story of love withering to loss and like, it's beat generation, and its written by an alcoholic wanker but, he's a sentimental, nostalgic wanker with a talent for making you feel sentimental and nostalgic for lives you never lived.

I'd also recommend Maggie Cassidy by the same man, his shorter novellas are really good and nowhere near as overwhelming as On The Road. Though On The Road is a good read if you have the time and patience for it.

🍒 The Dangers of Smoking In Bed / Mariana Enriquez

Some of the scariest short stories I've ever read fucked me up good and proper but also kick started my horror revival.

🍒 Rebecca / Daphne Du Maurier

Gothic and haunting but romantic too and she really really hits you in the chest when it comes to fancying gloomy older men who make you feel like a little girl. Again though her descriptions and sense of place are captivating, everything's vivid, you can really picture yourself in the gardens at Manderly. It's beautiful and dramatic and yeah, I love it. I read it at the height of a heatwave but I think it would also be a good autumn read tbh.

🍒 Wuthering Heights / Emily Brontë

Definitely read it when it gets cold and autumnal and gloomy. The books peak gloom. You hate every character and yet you feel their pain and root for them too. Idk I read it in the winter when I was sulking and at home in bed with a fever and it was really good, I've read it three times since haha.

🍒 Little Birds /Anaïs Nin

If you're gonna read Henry Miller you should read Anaïs Nin because she was his better half. She wrote erotica which men sent back complaining she ought to "cut the poetry" some of its very shocking but erotica back in the day was very much about challenging people and subverting the literary worlds expectation for art and stuff. I honestly think it's pretty feminist to read Anaïs Nin, as a teenage girl I think she taught me a lot about sexuality and definitely was how I learned sexuality isn't a masculine thing, that women's pleasure and desire is a fcking art form.

I will be straight up here and say with my whole chest that I haven't read enough women. When I was a teenager doing most of my reading I was reading the beat generation and the beats don't have many famous female writers among them because major sexism of the time meant that if a man went off and did drugs became a bum and lived the bohemian lifestyle he could be Jack Kerouac and be hailed a charming but gloomy tender author. When women did this they got carted off to institutions by their parents or became rhe victims of severe domestic violence. So for a long time I wasn't reading women because it didn't fit the genre I was into.

Then when I got back into horror I got deep into feminist horror but like, some of that is the likes of The Bloody Chamber which I read and HATED. I think basically what it is is that men who are good get published way more but also talked about way way more. Women who are good get published but not as often and when they do they get talked about less. Some of the best stuff I've ever read has been written by women but it's only in the last ten years started being translated because a lot of its from foreign countries and the literary worlds not long since stopped only publishing white men.

Anyways sorry for such a long post!!! If anyone decides to read any of these then let me know what you think of them!!!!

#pacifymebby recs #paccifymebby books

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