#overcome so much and i hope you carry the pride of your survival within u no matter where you go next!

[isawken]

five years ago i checked in to rehab and stayed for thirty days, at the end of which i emerged 30 days sober and politically radicalized. i had made fast friends with the other addicts there and several of them had been kicked out because of their insurance; maybe they had none, or their plan wouldn't cover rehab, or any number of reasons.

i had no idea what to do except that i was furious with the american healthcare system and for the first time in years i could care about something other than getting wasted. i searched online to see what sort of politics wanting universal healthcare was, and i wound up in the PSL. They had a twitter, so i made a twitter.

Once I had the account, i followed some of the people they retweeted: anti-racist activists, soup kitchens, and that sort of thing. I followed more and more generally-left sort of accounts until i realized my timeline was composed, essentially, of transgender people and their hangers-on (i had long since given up on the political discourse one can find on twitter). One of those accounts was you.

I went in to my therapist, a kindly older man who had helped me very much in my first year of sobriety to reconcile my own budding spirituality (I was, and am, a devoted atheist -- but the program of Alcoholics Anonymous demands some amount of spiritual belief) with the violence I was becoming more and more aware of as I engaged more in political work.

I suggested maybe the reason I identified so much with trans people was that I was transgender. He suggested that I should delete twitter.

I've now been on estrogen for approximately four years. I've been sober, on and off, for about five -- with the last three being back to back. I've finally re-entered the world of social media, and lo and behold -- it's you again.

I'm not sure you even did anything in particular, but it's fun that your account, isawken, has appeared to me both in the prelude of my transition and now in its full swing.

oh beloved anon, i can't even begin to express how warm this made my heart. you've had such a journey, and it makes me so happy to hear how you've fought and persevered and grown. i love meaningless synchronicities, weird and fun coincidences that could but probably don't have any real deeper purpose to them, and i am genuinely honored to be one of yours :o)

[smoothshift]

The purchase of a new (to me) supercharged 2013 Subaru BRZ inspired me to write a little bit about my overall experience with cars. Let me know what you think. via /r/cars

The purchase of a new (to me) supercharged 2013 Subaru BRZ inspired me to write a little bit about my overall experience with cars. Let me know what you think.

A summary for those that don't care for the details: I got a new car that i'm pretty excited about. Images of the car and my dog Missy can be found here.

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"Why Do You Care About Cars?"

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To be honest, I never really got the point of cars besides their basic purpose: transportation from point A to point B. There were a lot of different options, and some people cared a lot about them; other than that, they seemed to be one of those life chores, something you had to deal with because of the realities of life. A necessary evil, a byproduct of the current scale of humanity that necessitated that we burn fossil fuels so that we could transverse great distances and expand the areas that we could inhabit on Earth. At some point, I knew it was something that would take up a lot of my money, and I hoped to get something that would last me for a long time without any headaches.

Sometimes, life-changing events occur to us or around us without any hint as to their significance. Think back to your life: I bet that there’s a particular set of moments that you can point to, and say, “If things had gone differently right there, my entire life could have turned out differently”. In hindsight, the lack of pomp and splendor for that moment seems to almost be an insult. Shouldn’t something that has this much impact on our lives be somehow significant? As it turns out, many times, these events appear just like any other; another among the myriad set of events in our lives that eventually blend into hazy memories and perhaps moments of nostalgia on a lazy afternoon.

For me, one of those moments was while browsing YouTube, as one catches themselves doing when procrastinating from the work they were actually supposed to be doing at the time. It was a video by content creator /u/SavageGeese , a name that initially drew me in because I had known from childhood experience that geese were some of the most spiteful and vicious creatures on this planet. This video was 45 minutes long, and started off with a series of beautiful montages that highlighted an eye-catching car: the Lexus LC500.

As Mr. Geese's somber voice-over begins with the melodic yet haunting piano accompaniment, we can’t help but look along with him in amazement at the lines of this vehicle and the way the sun plays off of them, guiding our vision across the striking silhouette. The unique taillight design, the look of the wheels, the signature Lexus grille leading way to the “checkmark” headlights, the vents. The overall impression of all this is: wow. Someone spent a LOT of time designing this vehicle to have us experience precisely those set of events in that order so that our breath catches in our throat and you can’t help but turn your head to look at it if you ever see it out on the road.

Wow, indeed.

Guided along by Mr. Geese's dry and sometimes macabre sense of humor, our attention is guided to the interior. I’ll let him explain, since he does a much better job of putting it into words than I can. If you can, give the whole video a watch; I don’t think it’ll really be a challenge since the opening montage alone makes it worth your time.

As I marveled at the interior quality, the engine, and all the sheer work that went into this vehicle, I realized that this level of quality could only be the result of some sort of passion and vision. There was a connection that this evoked in someone, somehow, and it resulted in an engineering accomplishment so marvelous, that I couldn’t help but look alongside with Mr. Geese in amazement.

Wow.

With this new perspective, I started looking at the cars around me in a different way. My 2-hour daily commute became a scavenger hunt as I started noticing characteristics of different kinds of cars. Some cars were low to the ground and had a set of characteristics that they carried around them; lots of busy work, vents, and typically loud exhaust noises, with the especially flamboyant ones sporting large wings. Others were higher above the ground and were designed to ferry a full family in as much comfort as possible. Still others strived for performance in the sedan segment. A BMW here, an Audi there, and sometimes even the exotics like Ferrari or Lamborghini. There were hatchbacks. Coupes. Wagons. Crossovers. Minivans. SUVs. Shooting brakes!? What the hell does that even mean??

In the midst of this whirlwind of knowledge was my next life changing experience, this time with a bit more spectacle. While making idle conversation with a coworker of mine (let's call him Kevin), I mentioned that I was researching cars and was getting interested in them. I immediately saw a glint in Kevin's eye as he become more interested in the conversation. It turned out that he had a type of car that to some, personified power: the Ford Mustang GT.

Perhaps as American a symbol as any, this machine came with an incredible 435 horsepower at its disposal. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what sort of engineering challenges had to be overcome to put up numbers that impressive, never mind the economics of offering all of this in a budget that was reachable by many; but the basic gist of it was that this was a car that was meant to get you point from Point A to Point B with…let’s say, a bit more speed and urgency than the average Camry or Accord.

As I gazed upon Kevin’s pride and joy, I noticed some of the modifications he had made to his vehicle. It was lowered, and the tires were peeking out from the fenders, as if they could barely be contained. It had more power from a tune-up and an aftermarket exhaust. The culminating effect was a menacing, powerful beast of a machine. This thing had presence. Look in your rear view mirror and see the signature triple-row headlights, prancing pony and grill, and you got the hell out of its way.

Kevin allowed me to marvel as he started the vehicle, and I heard the first audible clues to its strength and purpose as its V8 engine roared to life. As the exhaust note settled into a comfortable low rumble, I sunk down into the leather seats that were much lower to the ground than my CX-5. The overall effect was impressive. After all, this machine had quite a bit of reputation to live up to, and so far, I wasn’t disappointed. As we exited the parking garage and boarded the on-ramp, a smirk grew on my coworker’s face. He looked at me and asked if I was ready.

In hindsight, I think the answer really was “no”. Mike Tyson once famously claimed that everyone has a plan until they got punched in the face. Barely had I finished nodding when my coworker opened up the throttle and let me know what exactly was lurking beneath his feet.

Head still on my way up to indicate “yes”, I was slammed back into my seat. 435 horsepower roared to life as the V8 “Coyote” engine propelled me, Kevin, his maniacal ear-to-ear grin, and 3,800 pounds of metal into a deserted wide open stretch of road. The engine snarled as it began working its way up to its 7,500 RPM redline, gaining speed with every passing fraction of a second. Colors started becoming blurs in the edges of my vision. The sound was all consuming, the engine noise seemingly coming from everywhere and nowhere. I distinctly remembered feeling as if this tremendous, vicious sound was emanating from the center of my chest. As we continued to gain speed, the engine kept building power and the resulting baritone increased alongside with it, before Kevin slammed it into next gear and the experience was begun all anew.

With every passing second, the engine egged us on to rev it higher and higher as it let out a bellow of triumph should anyone in its way be confused: here was POWER. All in all we were well past legal limits within maybe 5 seconds; my sense of time was skewed and it was hard to tell . As we slowed down to normal speeds and reality slowly crept in, I realized that the surge of adrenaline was still coursing through my body and the sounds still reverberating in my ears.

And then Kevin asked me if I wanted to give it a try. As I nervously got into the driver's seat, I couldn't help but think in amazement: underneath my right foot was, what must seem to our ancestors, an unfathomable amount of power. Perhaps even godly. But I was to be its master. Who in their right mind would ever say no?

While this may not have been the wisest decision for someone who was soon to be a father, I can confidently say that I have not ever regretted it. As I got behind the wheel and eased the car onto the streets, I could feel it rearing to go, with accompanying engine and exhaust noises to boot. Perhaps the prancing pony was more than just a pretty picture. As I again experienced the glorious V8 engine, gripping the steering wheel tight, with the sound growing gradually, an uncontrollable grin started spreading across my face to match. At some point, a primal, maniacal yell made its way out of me, and I demanded that this machine show me what it was made of. And boy, was it happy to do so.

As we eased back into the garage that day, I realized that for all my theoretical knowledge of cars, there was something I had missed out on: fun. This car was able to go fast from point A to B not because of need, but for joy and pleasure. At the same time, this thing was, to borrow Mr. Goose's phrasing, a certified license-killer. I knew that I did not have the strength of will to not bow in to what both the car and I wanted; wide open throttle, engine roaring, and the world going by in a blur.

That and I needed new pants.

It was at that point that I had a profound realization: here I was, depending on something for my everyday survival and well-being, and I had no idea how it worked. No idea what really made it tick. No idea what made it happy or what made it sad. No idea what to do in case of an emergency. It didn’t seem acceptable that something so fundamental to my everyday life not get the attention that it deserved.

And so, with renewed determination, I told my self that this would not be the case anymore. I would do everything in my power to understand cars. For all the drawbacks and criticisms that the internet has received, it has still created an absolute wealth of information that we are free to peruse. You want to believe the Earth is flat? There are websites that will support that. You want to learn more about cars? Boy, you better believe there are websites for that. So I poured over the online repositories dedicated to teaching those that were interested: how do we use gasoline? How does it go from an inorganic compound, to detonation, and eventually useful power? What’s the difference between diesel and petroleum? What are the different kinds of engines, and what did they do the characteristics of the car? What were their advantages and disadvantages? How does this power from the engine get sent to the wheels? How do we we brake the car? What are brake pads? Brembos? 6-piston 4-piston calipers? What about heating and cooling? What is a limited-slip differential and how does it help us? On and on my questions went, and the internet responded in kind.

So much to learn!

And as I learned, I began to appreciate these cars for what they were: engineering feats of accomplishment. From the Dodge Demon to the Honda Fit, there was a car designed to make different portions of the population happy, and they did this extremely well. They had to; it was a business after all. But a beautiful byproduct of this business need is a result of a bunch of people’s passions. A combination of metal, bolts, gears, and hard work together allowed us to do what I had realized from day 1: transport us from point A to point B. It was just that, as with many other things in life, there was a lot more to it than that.

This journey of mine culminated in a growing sense of wonder at all the different types of cars around me and all that they could accomplish. This wonder soon turned into obsession. I wanted to be a part of this world. I wanted to learn to drive this machine properly, to communicate with it through the steering wheel and pedals make it bow down to my will. My likes and wants grew along my newfound knowledge of the car world. I appreciated the efficiency, curves, and lines from famed Japanese automakers, Honda and Toyota (and their corresponding luxury brands, Acura and Lexus). I marveled at the visual treats that were the Italian exotic carmakers of Ferrari and Lamborghini. The sheer strength and attitude of the American muscle cars like Dodge and Ford. The finesse and performance of the British legends like McLaren and Lotus.

At the same time, I appreciated cars that were a bit more “sleeper”; those that appeared to be normal at first glance, but could surprise you with what they were capable of, leaving you with a sense of confusion and wonder. The inklings of a dream slowly began to form in my mind: I wanted a car that embodied the best of all of these worlds. Yes, ALL of them. And though that may seem the wish of any car enthusiast, my recent experiences had shown me that with the right attitude and determination, this was absolutely possible.

“Luck favors those that are prepared” goes another famous phrase. I've always had a habit of hanging on to these phrases that wouldn't be out of place on a motivational poster in front of some picture of a waterfall or something. I’ve tried to learn from the wisdom of those that came before me, as they must have gone through many of the same experiences that I have, albeit in their own ways. As it turns out, with a little dash of luck, my dream was about to come true.

I was eager to begin to experience a proper sports car for myself and began moving through volumes of classifieds and customized searches from multiple online websites. At times it was a frenzied search to find where the answer to my desires lay. At other times it was a lazy trawl through already visited websites to see if anything new had surfaced. Although it waxed and waned, my desire for a proper car that would allow me to enjoy driving did not subside.

One of those late night searches resulted in a car that was innocuously listed on sale on Craigslist; a customized Subaru BRZ in the Japanese carmaker’s World Rally Championship Blue. It was a car that was designed for driving enthusiasts in mind; if you wanted to get comfortably from point A to point B, there were many other options for you. However, this was not it.

To those that aimed to really meld with a machine, explore its capabilities, and enjoy the driving experience, the Subaru BRZ and Toyota twin Scion FR-S were a beacon of hope as they offered this package with an affordable price tag. Furthermore, this particular example was visually appealing, as its striking blue finish glimmered in the sunlight. The coupe profile and long flowing lines, combined with its low height, gave it an eye-catching look. Here was something that anyone, car enthusiast or not, could look at and enjoy. It was from a reputable carmaker to boot, so reliability and an active after-market was available for parts and future modifications.

However, those that look closer at the exhaust tips and vented brake rotors will recognize that this was a car that was more than just its looks. It was one capable of speed, all while handling itself in a respectable fashion. Encourage the engine to rev past its resting state, and you could hear its supercharger begin to spool and whine. This was in no way a normal engine sound, and as it fed more air to the engine to coax some more power out of it, it made sure that everyone around it knew that as well.

I knew right away that this car was something that would be special for me. I spent many long hours making sure that everything was installed properly, and that there wouldn’t be any issues. At long last the title was signed, and I parted with a significant portion of my finances, something that I had worked for over a year to gather, to finally begin to experience the joy of driving for myself.

And thus begins Project Gemini. An idea that took its root while I was procrastinating from my actual work many days ago. It's named after a set of twins from Roman mythology; similar to the duality and differences in personality Castor and Pollux, I wanted a machine that was capable of smoothly getting me from point A to point B when I wanted. The catch was, it also had to be agile and handle itself in a composed yet eager manner when I wanted. Afterall, who knew what my mood would demand at that time?

There was a certain satisfaction in knowing how much power was at my disposal; that if I wanted, I could easily drop a gear or two, and overtake anyone in front of me, leaving them with the supercharger whine and a shimmering blue glint. I wouldn’t do this all the time, of course; just every now and then.

At least that’s the theory.

Many times throughout my journey, sometimes in curiosity, sometimes in confusion, friends and family would ask me, “Why do you like cars so much now? Why do you spend so much time on them?” And I never really had a good answer. How can I explain what I had learned over the past several months in a way that they could easily understand? How could I show them how amazing these creations were, and how marvelous the end result?

As I struggled to come up with an answer for them, I realized that sometimes these things were best learned through practical experience. Sometimes words do not have the power to convey what it is exactly that captivates us about a certain element, the hidden beauty, and the set of intangibles that when all combined, just hold on to our interest and refuse to let go.

And yet, we try. Perhaps with as much success as Sisyphus, another figure of Greek mythology who was cursed to roll a massive boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down, for eternity. Greek/Roman mythology is fascinating and deserves another essay all on its own.

But like Sisyphus, even if our attempts are futile, we still try. And perhaps that is the real lesson that I have learned along the way.

Although my passion was kindled with something as innocuous as cars, take another good hard look at the world around you. Look at your smart phone and marvel at its ability to connect you to the internet from the comfort of your bed (or toilet). Look at the building that you’re perhaps working in and give some thought to the amount of effort that went into its creation, to ensure that it was built up-to-code (hopefully) and allow you to work safely. How about the imaging capability of the screen that you may be reading this from? All around us is a world that is a testament to our efforts, all the good and the bad. I hope to never lose my sense of wonder and curiosity, and look forward to seeing what else the world has to offer.

I began writing this as an attempt to look back and have a tangible answer as to why I enjoyed cars. The simple answer is that they check a lot of boxes for me that captures my interest, and amaze me with what they are capable of. I do not know if I will ever find a way to succinctly answer; but in the meantime, this long-winded one will have to do.

Thank you for taking the time to walk through this journey with me. I hope that it inspires at least one of you to go out and kindle your own passion, and to make it a reality. Until then, I will look forward to all that Project Gemini has to offer me as I look on to the new stretch of road coming up ahead.

I will wrap up with another one of my favorite quotes, this time from the legendary Robert Frost: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference”.

Cheers, Project_Gemini

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