#overall some of you are so ashamed of liking things it distresses me. and i'm a good omens fan so trust me i get the urge

[biracy]

It is so stupid, to be frank, to claim that "the less Objectively Good (whatever that means) a Piece Of Media is, the more Easily Fandomizable it is", especially because "'good media' (again, whatever that means) is too Complete on its own to warrant any fandom discussion." Like. Do people actually believe that? That when something is "good" it can never invite discussion or elaboration or expansion? Idk it feels almost cruel to claim that, idk, "fandom urges" come primarily from a desire to improve upon "bad media" rather than to elaborate upon something someone enjoys. Especially when this shite always comes from the "media literacy" crowd like do you actually think that "media literacy" is when you read a good book and say "well that was good! Don't have anything more to say about that!" oh my God

[inneskeeper-receipts]

Threatening legal action is a common tactic abusers use, especially when the person they abused comes forward about the abuse. This is a silencing tactic. I'm not surprised, I guess, but it is disappointing, and frankly fucked up;

I don't have a cent to my name at the moment, and rely on social services to stay alive because I am disabled and can't hold a job because of my disabilities. Fighting with bureaucracy in order to get disability payments and the other accommodations I need is currently my full-time job. Innes is aware of this, because not much has changed since we were together in terms of my finances and overall situation. He would be suing a disabled & impoverished queer trans man.

I am trying to be real about my experiences and what happened to me-- that's a major reason that I've been posting screenshots. They remind me that what happened to me was real, even if it was just online. It's grounding, not to "air dirty laundry", but to have backing proof for what I have been saying. I am not lying.

I was gaslit for so long into believing that it was mutually toxic, no good guys or bad guys but when I looked back at what had been said, there's just... No way that is the case. I literally don't have anything to gain from this except seeing someone be held accountable & experiencing some sense of closure! I am not the one posting my fundraiser link every time I am confronted.

I thought for a long, long time before posting the screenshots regarding Innes' own trauma. I did not want to initially, but I also do not feel it is my responsibility to protect him anymore, and it gives further context and evidence of the zoophilia. I agree, what he went through is fucked up and traumatizing. There's really no other way to put it. But that isn't an excuse to engage in zoophilia, to make zoophilic comments about real life animals, and to talk about committing zoophilia in real life.

The context in which he brought it up was because he had sent me a Gore Magala monsterfucking fic. The discussion was pretty unprompted to be honest, and I was uncomfortable at the time he sent those messages but didn't really know what to say, except that I wanted to be a supporting partner. Again, this was the first time zoophilia was brought up. Not about my own paraphilias or kinks, but about Innes'.

I have not been bringing up the zoophilia in order to hide my necrophilia. I'm not ashamed about having necrophilic fantasies, because I know that they will remain only fantasies-- particularly because the brunt of my fantasies involve me being the corpse.

Despite being kinky and weird, I don't want to hurt anyone in real life just to get off! I think mentioned prior, but there are different classes of necrophilia, some of which are solely fantasies. I'd like to be the more... passionate cathy to someone's heathcliff, you know? & If something does not cause you to harm yourself or others, or does not cause you distress to experience, it's not a disorder or a problem. If it does cause you harm, or cause you to harm other things, then something is wrong and you need to get help.

To reiterate: I don't care what fiction or fantasies someone has. That's not real. I don't care about words on a screen or lines on a page. I care about real harm done.

I do not trust Innes enough to speak with them privately. When I initially came out about the abuse, I told my therapist about the situation, and how Innes had said things would be better "if I had just spoken with him privately". My therapist disagreed: The only thing that would happen if I spoke to Innes privately is that I would be gaslit and yelled at for having the guts to talk about this publicly at all.

Their initial response to this was for them to DARVO me (shoutout to the random person who messaged me about that, I hadn't heard of the term before) and then at every turn they've tried to bring up things about me in order to hide their own flaws and misdeeds.

Our relationship was not mutually toxic. I will admit I probably was not prepared to be in a relationship again; We had started dating when I was still living in a house with my abuser who terrified me so badly I would barricade my door when I slept, and then had few chances to recover from this as I moved back across the country to escape, and immediately began the battle with bureaucracy to secure public housing for both of us. I was constantly trying to find ways to hustle and save money to move him out, while he spent his money on fibercrafts and video games.

He would do things that I found off, but when I'd bring them up, there was always some sort of excuse. The longer we were together the more I felt like I had to form myself into a mold to be what he wanted me to be. I'd be the cat, the bottom, the submissive, as long as it pleased him. The abuse and manipulation was very, very quiet, very subtle. I didn't notice it until years after the fact. There are things he said about or to me that still haunt me, years after. "I would have to be bisexual in order to be with you (intimately)" being one of them.

Also as an aside, just because abuse happened some years ago doesn't mean that the person who was abused should "just get over it" like him, his friends, & his audience seem to want me to do. I do not think for a second that Innes has actually grown or changed as a person but even if they had, that does not negate the harm done to me in the past, nor does it mean I shouldn't talk about it to avoid hurting someone's reputation. How someone responds matters, too.

As I have said many times, I do not think that Innes is an irreparable monster. I think that Innes terminally lacks the ability to take criticism, the ability to introspect, the ability to tell the goddamn truth, and the ability to acknowledge that the people around him are real living human beings and not building blocks for them to get what they want out of them.

These are all things that can be worked on! They're not permanent, unchangeable character flaws! But if Innes continues to have a platform that supports and endorses them being their worst, I don't think that any of that's going to change, and they're still going to be the toxic person I met 4 years ago, but older.

I have found it concerning enough to talk about publicly, because in those years and through my doubts his audience has grown, and though I've had him blocked and his username blacklisted, somehow I would still see posts by him. I saw the entirety of the train derailment saga go down. I saw how he responded, and it was much, much too like what I'd go through whenever I would catch him in a lie.

He positions himself in a seat of authority on here over a variety of subjects that I do not think he has much of a real claim in whatsoever. It is all too convenient, and knowing the details that I do about their personal life I can't help but call all of these alleged credentials into doubt.

Their ego is fed by engagement. I've known this since the start, but in the beginning I really did want to believe that maybe they were a better person and would just be honest. Even bad engagement is still engagement, like how they always respond to hate. They genuinely crave the attention. They were like this when we were together, too.

Their relationship to their online notoriety is inherently an unhealthy one, and I realize now that I've been feeding into it. I have been feeding into my own continued gaslighting. Whenever I struggle, or say what happened to me, there is always a convenient, twisted excuse as to why it was okay to do to me, or how it didn't really happen "like that", or something.

I have realized that there is no "winning" against someone like this, there is no way for me to convince anyone to believe me. I can give all the evidence in the world for what happened to me, but at the end of the day some people will remain unconvinced, even with the most damning screenshots. I have said my piece, I have spoken extensively about my side of things, and I know what is true. The best thing anyone who reads this and believes me can do is report inneskeeper, report their fundraiser, & then block them without engaging. Any engagement towards him is exactly what he wants. I refuse to feed further into Innes' ego.

prev. pin about the author & situation here

tag list:

zoophilia & linking a 17-year-old his nudes

abuse

manipulation

misappropriation of donated money

transphobia

blaming mental health for poor behavior to avoid accountability

lies

how innes affected my own housing stability

archive of this blog (inneskeeper-receipts)

coercive suicide/ideation

[giggleeclown]

I'm freaking terrified of clowns dude( coulrophobia) 👁️👄👁️

He is keeping his distance!!!

But for real right now. I’d like to bring something up about this.

Hi! I’m Vivi, and I am a hobbyist clown. I find clowning very important in my life. I also find erasing the stigma around clowns very important because this form of performance is dying quickly and many professional clowns are losing their jobs!

(DISCLAIMER. BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH HORROR THEMED CLOWNS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I ENJOY THEM GREATLY AND HAVE CONSIDERED BECOMING A HAUNT ACTRESS. I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE INTENTIONALLY CAUSING EMOTIONAL DISTRESS IN PUBLIC SITUATIONS. THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE FOR HAUNT ACTING.)

Though my intentions are not change your mind, I’d like to throw a few points out there.

First off, I’d like to say it’s very unfortunate to have this phobia. When I was younger, I had a phobia of walk around characters (mascots), so I know exactly how you feel. It’s such a shame when you feel fear for something that’s supposed to bring joy and amusement, especially when little children aren’t scared the way you are. It can make you feel ashamed or just overall down to have a seemingly harmless phobia.

Id also like to bring up something. Being afraid of ‘scary’ clowns is not just being afraid of clowns! Horror clowns were never in the picture for traditional clowning, and it was something that was brought into popularity much later. Think of it as how porcelain dolls were something prized back then, and now are romanticized by horror. If you’re scared of Annabelle but don’t bat an eye at a dolly on your grandmother’s shelf, you’re not really scared of dolls. It is a human instinct to be afraid of what is intentionally scary and hurtful. Especially when you are unsure of a masked stranger’s intentions.

From this point on, I’m going to assume that you have legitimate coulrophpbia.

I’d like to tell you what clowns mean to me. Clowns were invented to spark joy, safe feelings and amusement in people of all ages. There is a sense of security in clowns because they are always kindhearted and mean well, but also a strong humor them because they are the joke. This is why clowns and children go together hand in hand. Children can laugh at a clown because this is the one person who does not know better than them, and the child can teach the clown a thing or two.

Believe it or not, there are traditional clown rules. Some of them being that the joke is on the clown, profanity and criminal behavior are forbidden and no acts of physical and emotional harm to anyone. This always ensures that everyone has fun interacting with a clown. Of course, performers break societal rules all the time, which is why you see some versions of clowns being the total opposite. Crude birthday candle smokers who act like carnies. These depictions are wonderful, imaginative and not harmful! But these are also rules that ‘scary’ clowns break, and they do become harmful when used in this manner.

Traditional clown makeup is something that many people are afraid of, and I can completely understand this. This is because clowns, unfortunately, fall into the ‘uncanny valley.’ This means that they look somewhat human, but not quite. This can cause alarm in the brain that many cannot understand, and this is why we cannot understand clowns.

To bring up my last point, I’d like to say that being a clown or mirroring one can teach you many things. A clown must learn to laugh at themself, they must learn to smile in the worst of situations and make the best of their mistakes, they must learn the advantages of service to other people, have an instinct of empathy and a gentle heart, and they must always keep going after a bad show. This is why I love to be the character of a clown, but also mirror a clown in my everyday life.

At the end of the day, I don’t want to try to change your opinions or ‘convert’ your fear. This is a fear that you cannot control, and I completely understand your hesitance towards the uncanny valley. You’ve probably noticed at this point that I haven’t attempted to go from one point to another, just scattered a point or two. My goal is to spark ideas, conversation and the desire to understand and learn more. REMEMBER! Fear primarily comes from what humans do not understand. If I can be the reason more people are educated on this topic, then I am content.

To conclude this, however, I’d like to remind you that it is your duty as the only person who can make decisions for yourself to not interact with content that sparks your phobia. If my clown character scares you or makes you feel unsafe, you must always remember that you are the only person in control of what you take in on the internet. You owe it to yourself to take care of your brain and your emotions, and I don’t think that a very effective way is to engage with the person who has content that can harm your emotional well-being. Please keep this in mind for future reference.

I hope that this analysis potentially helped you see another side of clowning if you haven’t already. Once again, people become afraid of things that they don’t understand. I hope that I could provide you and others with a little education that could potentially get a conversation or a new opinion going. If you’ve finished reading this analysis, my best wishes to you on your adventures in taking care of yourself and your phobia.

But, if you should find yourself wanting to give clowns another chance, I am anxiously awaiting your return!

Have a lovely day!