#ouuf this is long

[thebitchforjemcarstairs]

I'm assuming (again pls correct me if i'm wrong! :D<3) that ur fav shadowhunter character is Jem!

Would you mind indulging me as to why u love him and his character arc throughout the series? 😊

I am finally attacking this question. I took some time answering it because I wanted to give it justice. Now, bear in mind, that it’s been a while since my last read of TID/GotSM, and I forgot a lot about the series. I will try to give my best answer (and probably come back to this when I will do my huge reread of the whole series before TWP). 

First, I want to clarify that Jem is one of my favourite characters in the series, but not the only one. I could write the same about Will and Tessa. Like, I’m a real herongraystairs trash and the main reason why I continue with the series. I don’t know why, but they stuck with me. I think it’s assumed that Jem is my only fav because of my username, but no, the username was a joke that stuck, and I don’t mind, because I am his bitch, and it made CC giggle when I told her, and according to her, aren’t we all😭

Now, before going to the essay, I would like to say contrary to a lot of the fandom (who like Jem or dislike him), I do not think we have a lot of him. I think he is the most present character, yet, we still know so little of him.

Hear me out, he is the only protagonist with zero POV, in his series, (we got Cecy’s POV in CP2, and she arrived in the epilogue of book 2). Even in GotSM, which is supposed to be a book about Zachariah, and his mission to find the lost Herondale, he still gets sidelined to follow the stories of other characters (Matthew, Anna, Tessa, Celine, Jace, Alec, Livvy and Janus). Zachariah is used as a vehicle to tell us about the other characters' stories, and sometimes we get a glimpse of what he thinks and feels. I would argue that the only real story where we dive into his head, and get to know him is Learn About Loss. Add to the fact that in TID we only see him through the eyes of Will and Tessa, yeah, he’s the character with the most cameos with Magnus, yet what do we know about Jem, other than he is the 3rd person in a love triangle, Will’s parabatai, and Tessa’s second love interest, AND that he is the kindest, selfless character in the series? Practically nothing. 

Like I said above, in TID, we only see him through the eyes of Will and Tessa, who literally see him as this perfect, angelic person. Tessa because she arrives at the institute after 6 weeks of torture, and is in need of kindness and friendship, and eventually falls in love with him. And then we have Will, who sees Jem as his opposite, everything that is pure and kind, and everything that he is not. And because of the inevitable death of Jem and his curse, this bond is what keeps him alive, and he will cherish it like hell (one day I will write an essay on the terms and conditions Will put on his “curse” when he was a kid). So yeah, we have a series written through two protagonists, who see the third as this precious thing, that needs the utmost protection against the world, but also against themselves; see Tessa once she arrived, she started talking about finding cures and defending him against Will, in CP1: 

-      “You should,” Tessa said softly, “think about the way the things you do affect Jem.”

Will rolled his head back against the leather of the chair and regarded her. He looked drowsy and tired and beautiful. He could have been some Pre-Raphaelite Apollo. “Is this a serious conversation now, Tess?” His voice still held humor but was edged, like a gold blade edged in razored steel.

Tessa came and sat down in the armchair across from his. “Aren’t you worried that he’s cross with you? He’s your parabatai. And he’s Jem. He’s never cross. 

“Perhaps it’s better that he’s cross with me,” said Will. “So much saintlike patience cannot be good for anyone.”

“Do not mock him.” Tessa’s tone was sharp.

“Nothing is beyond mockery, Tess.”

“Jem is. He has always been good to you. He is nothing but goodness. That he hit you last night, that only shows how capable you are of driving even saints to madness.”

“Jem hit me?” Will, fingering his cheek, looked amazed. “I must confess, I remember very little of last night. Only that the two of you woke me, though I very much wanted to stay asleep. I remember Jem shouting at me, and you holding me. I knew it was you. You always smell of lavender.”

Tessa ignored this. “Well, Jem hit you. And you deserved it.” […]

“No, you don’t,” Tessa cried in frustration. “Do you think he cares about the danger? Do you? His whole life has been destroyed by this drug, this yin fen, and there you go off to a warlock den and drug yourself up as if it doesn’t even matter, as if it’s just a game to you. He has to take this foul stuff every day just so he can live, but in the meantime, it’s killing him. He hates to be dependent on it. He can’t even bring himself to buy it; he has you do that.” Will made a sound of protest, but Tessa held up a hand. “And then you swan down to Whitechapel and throw your money at the people who make these drugs and addict other people to them, as if it were some sort of holiday on the Continent for you. What were you thinking?”

“But it had nothing to do with Jem at all—”

“You didn’t think about him,” said Tessa. “But perhaps you should have. Don’t you understand he thinks you made a mockery out of what’s killing him? And you’re supposed to be his brother.”

Will had whitened. “He can’t think that”

“ He does,” she said. “He understands you don’t care what other people think about you. But I believe he always expected you’d care what he thought. What he felt.”

That is just an example, but the whole series is like that when it comes to Jem. Them defending him to each other when they fuck up, or defending him against the world, because for them he is that almost angelic person. And that’s cool and all, but what about him as a person? As a whole entity, and not an addition to the other two. (but then I read TLH, and TDA, and I think CC does not know/or doesn’t want to write the three separated from each other, but that is for another discussion, because these three always come in a package deal, and can’t be separated, I guess)

Now, that this is out in the clear, let’s get to the question, why is he one of fav characters? Well, for everything we don’t see, and know about him. And from the little we can get of him in the books. The minimum info on him is so freaking interesting, it just pushes us to read between the lines and do a lot of character study, (academic style) to get to his head.  

Even though the surface-level reading of the character is that he is very kind, empathic, helpful and selfless. Now, that’s normal because Jem is a very discreet character, and in contrast, we have Will, who is very loud, very look at me (because of his curse). At some point, Tessa observes that Jem is like the owner of a very annoying dog. So, in a way, on a first read, he is kind of overshadowed by funny/clown Will. However, the man is funny as hell: 

-      “Jem gave her a wistful look. “Must you go? I was rather hoping you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.”

“I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. “I can minister angelically.”

“None too convincingly. And you’re not as pretty to look at as Tessa is,” Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow.

“How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun.”

Jem still had his eyes closed. “If they mean it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.”

-      “A demonic worm,” said Jem, pausing to peer cautiously around a hedgerow. “A great serpent. Would that help your inappropriate humor?”

He is also very eloquent when he wants to be (see Lily in GotSM), in his proposal, his apology to Tessa in CP2, him comforting Charlotte in CP2, etc…

And we also see his flaws, in the series, but there is no emphasis on them. His selfishness. Now, I know, he is a teenage boy, who knows that he is dying, but in that scene in CP2 when he threw Yin Fen in the fire, with no regard for the other members of his family, and how they do not want to lose him. We can also read that he is a very scared person. One because of the trauma he went through, but also because he will not live for a long time. Ex: his rushed engagement to Tessa.

This leads to one flaw we rarely talk about when it comes to Jem, which is his insecurities. His insecurity over his body, hell, even in After the Bridge, which is 100 years later, he was still insecure about his scared body. His insecurity about not being enough to Tessa, and that she deserves the best like his crazy consumption of Yin Fen to be perfect for her in CP2. 

And all of this could have been explored if we had his POV. It would have added depth to his character. In TID, he is a teenage boy who is trying to survive in a country so far from his own. I would have loved to see his feelings over his trauma. I mean he saw his parents die, was tortured, and is still being tortured by what is keeping him alive. I would have loved to see his feelings about being in a way abandoned by his family (Elias) in a foreign country. Being alone at twelve, with no support system. Navigating his new life as a child, the mental and physical toll of having to take the Yin Fen in order to survive, but also how it will eventually kill him. The mental toll of believing and defending his only best friend who was fucking it big during that time, (same for Will, and how mentally draining it must have been to know your only best friend is dying as a child, especially after witnessing the death of his sister but that is for another post). I wanted to see his insecurities regarding his body, in contrast with the body of Will, especially because they are living in a very able-body culture, and how being a Shadowhunter is all they have, and their noble cause. I wanted to see his feelings of how limited he is physically compared to the other Shadowhunters of his age, and how he felt about the critics and remarks the other said about him. And when he was engaged, his feelings about not living for a long time with Tessa, and only giving her little. 

 And later in GotSM, I wanted to see how he felt about his life as a silent brother, and how he was cheated of his death. How he was present in the life of his loved ones, yet not very. I wanted to know how he felt when Elias said that he did not want him to be part of his family. 

Anyway, this is getting too long. But, yeah, my love for Jem is for all that is not written, and what we can deduct from the multiple rereads of the series. I will probably come back to this post when I reread everything, and add stuff to it. 

[occasionalhollykujo]

(Starter for @badlydrawn-little-caesar!)

In the days following the arrival of her father, things had begun to swirl out of her control. Holly begun to feel ill- something she did her very best to avoid worrying the others with, but as the days crawled by, she would feel worse. Come the day Jotaro returned with an injured teen and requested help with his injuries (Noriaki Kakyoin was his name if she remembered correctly), she was sure she had contracted a fever of some sort. Now this was nothing worth worry, as far as she was concerned it was a regular cold or something of the sort. The turning point had been when she was fumbling about in the kitchen to try and prepare breakfast, and a sudden dizzy spell hit her. It was out of her control that she fell, shattering a plate as it slipped carelessly from her fingers and to the floor.

It was Abdul who had found her then, unconscious and feverish as the sickness begun to take its toll. The days following that incident were so uncomfortable, so frightening. She was an adult through and through, but watching her son leave alongside her father and the rest of the group, she felt helpless. Holly had grown rather used to masking the negativity she felt, something she utilized for raising Jotaro while her husband spent so much time away. She felt fear now, and worry for her son. She didn't know half of the foundation workers and she was lacking the ability to care for her son, as well as the privilege to find comfort in her father's aid. It was a scary situation to be in, and over and over she would find herself thinking of her son, wishing him luck and good travels. It felt like there was a heat stirring in her chest that needed to break free- though she didn't have the strength or energy to conjure it. Holly just wants her baby boy to be okay.

She's deathly calm in exterior, despite this conflict. Pale and motionless, though offering a kind smile in thanks to any worker who checks up on her condition. A kind and gentle woman, she was. Holly truly just wished she could see her family again, though. She didn't like this danger hanging overhead, not one bit. As days counted down, she knew there wouldnt be a moment she didn't think of them. That was just a part of being confined to her home, though soon she was granted the liberty to call up her father, who hadn't been told of all of the danger hanging over everyones shoulders at the moment. He would be paying a visit, something that made Holly happy. She missed his company, and as childish as it might be, she just wanted to feel safe again.

[laaskrin]

5, 9, 22, 25, 30, 31, 34, 35, 36 for Fen and Dimma!! I'm sorry there's so many, I'm just so interested in them!!

Ouuf that's a big one. Let's go

5. Dragonborn's favourite province and dragonborn's least favourite province?

Well neither Dimma nor Fen have ever been outside of Skyrim, aside from Solstheim, so there's no real contest here.

In terms of culture or what they know of other provinces, Dimma is obviously attached to Morrowind, and Fen enjoys Valenwood, especially for their craftsmanship and hunting, since she's a hunter herself. They also share some gods, since the falmeri and bosmeri pantheon have some gods in common. She especially enjoys their meat recipes, it is a welcome change from the Nord ones she is used to.

But Fen dreams of visiting all the provinces in a ship, so that might change one day.

9. Dragonborn names and meaning behind it?

Dimma Stormheart

Dimma: old Norse for "darkness" or Swedish for "fog/mist" (the later being the one that made me choose her name because she was born on a misty day in Windhelm)

Stormheart: it is her clan name, inherited from her father, because she comes from a long line of Kyne worshippers. A lot of her ancestors were Kyne priests/priestesses

Fen

Fen: from English "marshlands" or Frisian "peace", mostly I just thought it sounded cool, no particular reason for that one.

22. How competent are they, be it in general life or other?

Dimma

Generally okay in general life. She ran away from home at 15 and had to fend for herself until she got a found family for herself, so she knows how to cook, clean, survive in the wilderness etc.

Though her area of skills really lays in thievery, magic and gardening. She is quite academically inclined, and can and will info dump about plants if you let her (or even if you didn't). Those are really the areas where she is the most competent. On the other hand, the sucks at outright fighting. She can hold her own against most enemies, but in a fight against an actual warrior, she would lose really quick without magic.

Fen

Fen is a very skilled hunter, she also knows how to prepare pelts and game. She used to live outdoors so she has good "survival" skills. She can absolutely live in the wilds with nothing.

Her people skills are abysmal though. She grew up in Saarthal at the time tensions between atmorans and Falmer were rising, then lived as a nomad with her parents, so she never got to form deep, meaningful relationships. Now, she is a merethic era woman who just go resurected after being dead for 4000 years, so the world and its people are completely different from what she is used to. Same for the language, which keeps complicating things for her.

She will often not understand jokes and sayings, or say things that might vex other poeple without meaning to.

25. Are there any items that are significant to them?

Dimma

She has a pair of earrings from Morrowind that she got from her mother, as well as an amulet of Kyne. Those are her most precious possessions

Fen

Dimma gifted her a bosmer bow. It's her most prized possession, because it was the first time she received a gift from someone else than her parents.

30. When did it all go wrong for them, if it did?

Dimma

It never really did go all wrong for her. She had some rough patches, like when her father disowned her or when her mother left (She was supposed to come back, she wasn't abandoning her), or when the whole dragonborn thing happened, but she never felt as if her whole life was crumbling on itself.

Fen

Well, she actually died, so I don't think it can get much worse for her. Things started to get really bad after the night of tears, as she was a half falmer half atmoran, she had to hide from atmoran when they came back, and she wasn't welcomed by falmer either. Then she got killed by atmoran and came back to life 4000 years later, in a world that is completely different from what she knew.

These were very much not good times for her.

31. Is that stupid bloody beacon still in their inventory at the end of it all?

Dimma is the one who got the privilege of getting by Meridia. And yes, it is still in her inventory, because Dimma's petty, and she doesn't like being bossed around, so unless Meridia starts pestering her, she will never do it :) and if she does, she would do it in the most grumpy way possible.

34. Does their journey ever ends?

I guess? Haven't thought that far ahead, but I like the idea of them having a peaceful end of life after every thing they went through

35. How many scars do they carry, be they mental or physical?

Dimma

Physically, she has scars on her right knee and left ankles from when she fractured her patella and ankle after falling.

She also has scars on her torso, neck and lower face from when she was attacked by wolves as a child.

Mentally, she has abandonment issues. She is always sacred that people love her less than she love them, and might leave her.

She's always surprised when people remember things about her, because she doesn't think she matters to them that much.

Fen

Physically, she still has the stab wound on her neck from when she got her throat slit.

Mentally, oh boy. So much.

All the trauma from the war, dying, resurrecting, losing every thing she knows and feeling alone in the world, the conflict within her loving both her atmoran and falmeri roots, the survivor guilt, and guilt from not being able to save her people by being dragonborn (She didn't know at the time).

Homegirl is a walking trauma

36. How do they die?

Neither of them died definitely yet.

Though the first time, Fen got her throat slit by an atmoran warrior. She scared him by instinctively using the thu'um, so he went for the throat.

[valen-dreth]

allard- 🔥🍋🛍🌸

veig- 🌹💿💛🔮

go crazy, go stupid !

(also dont feel obligated answer all of them if u dont want to btw, i just wanted to make sure u had a variety lmao)

YESSSSSSSSS i am ready to SPEAK

ALLARD:

🔥 Give us a list of general likes and dislikes, such as colours, textures, music, weather and other stuff!

LIKES - warm, rich colors, cozy rooms, worn stones, foggy weather, his very nice silver dagger, extravagant dress

DISLIKES - dancing, wind instruments, high towers, stagnant water, mold, Daedra, adventurers, thieves, dense woods

🍋 Does your OC act petty and jealous easily? What sort of things make them feel like this and do they experience guilt for getting so worked up? How do they deal with these emotions when they get them? If your OC doesn’t feel like this often, why not?

He really only hangs around with Veig so yeah he gets a jealous if he thinks that he is off with someone else. He's just lonely is all. He doesn't feel guilty for it probably because he's not ..... really aware that he's supposed to.

He mostly just skulks about it and probably just gets himself worked up, what's he going to do, confront him?

🛍️ Function or Aesthetic? Skirts or Pants? Heels or Flats?

Aesthetic / pants / he does actually wear slight heels (when not wearing his slippers)

��� What does your OC’s voice sound like? Their laugh? Are they good at singing? Do they have an accent?

ouuf im so bad at describing voices and he doesnt have a vc bear with me

He speaks somewhat slowly, his voice is generally a bit high but he does have decent range (which varies with his emotional state and is his Most Obvious tell lol). He has hints of both a slur and a lisp. His laugh is not terribly loud, he bites his tongue when he laughs. He probably does have a regional accent but not the regular roman accent I give Imperials. hope this helps :')

VEIG

🌹 How easy is it for them to connect with others and make friends? On the flip side how easy is it for them to make an enemy of someone? Are they the kind of person who hangs around the food table at a party and never talks to anyone or are they the type who can talk to anyone?

He used to be quite sociable! He was well-liked in his village so his exile came as a shock when it first happened but also like, he could definitely understand. The communication barrier now presents and issue but he and Allard took to each other fairly easily after Veig proved his intentions weren't malicious.

It is easy for him to unintentionally make enemies because uh, he does not pass for a mortal Ever and that scares people! If he were to intentionally try to make enemies of someone it'd probably be pretty easy too I mean he's a big imposing figure.

He COULD very easily talk to other people at parties if that was an option for him. Realistically he would hang around with Allard and scan the crowds. They wouldn't last terribly long at an actual party though I think Allard would get tired of it and go home lol

📀 How easy is it to shock your OC? To confuse them? To lie to them, to manipulate them? How are they with feelings of trust? Can your OC be trusted?

He's seen..... a Lot so he's not terribly shocked by a lot but he can be taken off-guard. Generally though it takes a bit of effort, he tries to stay aware of his surroundings. He is confused by a LOT of things in the world nowadays so I mean. What's more stuff onto that. He is much more a leader than a follower so to actually manipulate him would be an Endeavor, language barriers aside. He does trust easily but he would like to think that he has a good sense of who to trust!

💛 In general, how in control of their emotions is your OC? Do they have a good hold on them or do their emotions control them, not the other way around? What do you think is the reason behind this and is your OC ever concerned about their lack of or good control?

He keeps a good handle on his emotions but doesn't emote terribly much or uh, well. He does suppress his emotions somewhat, otherwise he would just be incredibly frustrated and confused about the world he's woken up in but don't worry about it that's probably fine

🔮 Star gazing or cloud watching? Hand-holding or snuggles? Early mornings or late nights?

Cloud watching / snuggles / early mornings

[fineosaur]

26 for the ask 🤩

26. List your top 3 proudest achievements.

ouuf this is hard, i’ve lived a short life of only 19 years so theres nothing extravagant to be proud of. but here’s what i can think of 

i think getting through the last 3 years is a fucking achievement TBH. lmao, i’ve had a long run.

oh definitely i’ll say i’m proud of the person i am. lots of bloody growth has taken place and though theres more to go, im definitely got the right mindset and values at this point in life. 

getting rid of people who don’t deserve a place in my life, with ease. (lmao toxic people have no room in these parts)

- i couldn’t bring myself to mention anything academic cause i feel like that’s not representative of who i am. i also haven't done any feats in my life like working a proper job yet or even graduated (2 weeks babeyy) so here ya go, some not needed but unashamed-ly given, personal info.

(thank you for the ask holly! so sorry this took so long lmao im terrible)

[honshino]

352)

There’s sometimes I really feel like there’s that disconnect because I think about a lot of things that I would wonder if we would work out. There’s a lot of things that I just don’t feel as comfortable. I do feel comfortable but at the same time I know that a lot of things have been forced. I hate it when it’s forced and I just don’t want people that well intune with everything that I have and the communication for a person to have it on every platform like is that really necessary? 

I know that it’s a hard time especially with everything that happens in our lives and we come from different worlds and have different view points. I forgot that I had a thing that if the person was hella religious and then I would stay clear. 

I guess it’s just been that things have been feeling off and I don’t really knmow tbh. I do love her and I have love for her but it’s just been a weird time for the past things. I know she’s in love with me too. I told her not to fall in love with me. I tell everyone that they shouldn’t fall in love with me and they say they won’t. Majority of the time they do and i’m thankful for the people who don’t fall in love with me because we can still be friends.

I’m still healing because of the trust that’s been misused in the past. I’m just really venting right now so if anyone is reading this far. I applaud you.

She texted I love you after she left my stream. This is why I didn’t want to have relationships affect my work place because of situations like this. Ugh. Why am I even writing this it’s pretty dumb because it’s only been two months ish.

I’m so tired this relationship is very exhausting and I want it but yet I don’t at the same time. It’s a really weird feeling. like the last person that I was talking to we didn’t have to talk every day and she respected my workspace and we understood eachother in our dreams, aspirations, goals, work ethic... I guess now would be a good time to write something to her if this was my last time that I could talk to her....

Yeogu, I just want to let you know that i’ve been kinda sad once you said to write this letter to you as if this was going to be the last time we ever spoke to each other. The thing is is that every year I have about five friends are suicidal so it really touches home. Something that I always worry about is that I wonder if someone close to me might be gone before the time should be up.

*hugs tightly*

I appreciate you so much because I did think about it as we talked through the months. If I was ever to actually meet you. Not ever but in actuality when I would meet you. You inspire me because of my dream house plans I have around the world and I was wondering when I would be able to meet an awesome architect. When I found you I was thinking to myself. Wow I have this amazingly hot friend who’s an architect. She’s hard working and I jokingly said she would be my future wife and she agreed. I’ve always thought that I would have international girlfriends and the one lover who would be there and understandable. It’s really wild to think about what I would do if you really were gone. I’ve been thinking about it the past few days what would it be like if you were gone. When we had those nights we were writing. I’ve been in a writing block for so long because writing is a very personable subject for me. I haven’t felt that free to write and happy to write about things in so long. Two years ago I wrote but it was because I was in love and I was hurting and pain was seeping out of me. When I was writing with you I felt as if the everything wasn’t capped and I can touch any subject. It was blissful freedom.

Then when you wanted to take a break from me again I thought okay. Well I guess i’ll let you do you and leave you alone. (this might hurt you) This is when I started talking to a lot of people and there was someone that caught my interest a lot I’m still talking to her right now as I write this. I’m talking to a lot of people and then I sifted through things and talk to a select few. I got bored and wanted to be with people who interest me.

I know it’s not going to be the same when I talk to you, or when you talk to me. We’re still going to be really good friends yeogu. You’re my yeogu and I can’t think of any other way to describe our relationship. I don’t make up nicknames that often and when I did it with you I was thinking ouuf. I made a nickname for her, i’ll remember her forever and through all my lives after this.

You inspire me to be better because I want to be able to travel to everyone that I would love and see them. No matter where they live, and when we started conversations I thought about what exactly does it take to see you. I have other people to visit as well but I also thought eventually i’ll have to save up to see yeogu and spend time with her too.

This is only the first thoughts that came to my mind. I have a lot more to say yet this is only what I can come up with. For me to tell you everything I would need probably a whole month to cover once chapter. But years to be able to pick up my keyboard to write. Writing is a very difficult matter for me to touch because it brings so much emotion out of me.

Thank you yeogu for being around.

I hope you’re doing well and getting better. I worry about you. I always hope you’ll do fine. 

If you’re fine before me you’ll be fine after me. Is something a past lover said to me.

After a person leaves you’ll be able to move on but life won’t be the same. That was my retort.

[orionspassage]

🚹, 🚺, 🎁

THOUGHT-PROVOKING HEADCANON MEME

Don’t go getting any idea, Marion. 

🚹 - How would your muse react to losing their father? How would they cope?

Oh gee wilikers I haven’t even thought of it, not great. I know that much.  He’d be devastated for a long time, and he’d feel lost.  That was his direction even if it wasn’t a good one. But…later….there’d be relief in some areas- I think it all depends on how he goes.  Oh god- Madison might feel the need to take everything on, to be a placeholder for his family. I think to try and cope? He’d throw himself into work. 

🚺 - How would your muse react to losing their mother? How would they cope?

Now, the one is weird.  He’d feel weird- and probably bad about not feeling as sad as ‘should’ be.  He’d probably be in a very weird slump with his mixed feelings for a couple of months.  Especially depending on how his family handles it as well. Coping? Ouuf, trying to think- it wouldn’t be as bad as dad, so probably his usual avoid the problem

🎁 - Does your muse celebrate their birthday? If yes, how do they celebrate? If no, why not?

After all the missed birthdays from parents, not particularly- he’s a bit bitter about birthday now. LORD MADISON IM SORRY.