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lizacstuff · 4 years ago

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SCK/Edser Asks Episode 36 (+37 spec)

(asks under the cut)

Anonymous said: I really liked parts of SCK this week, but other parts made me want to scream. What did you think?

Same, same. This episode taken as an exercise in just watching Hande and Kerem doing their thing... AMAZING. But... even they can’t save the writing.

I’ll get into detail as I answer asks, but I felt this episode was a bit disjointed and I’m wondering if that is due to some of the alleged rewrites that happened. We know for sure there were rewrites for Bige, for instance I’m guessing that the Serkan/Selin conversation was supposed to be in person and not on the phone and that it might have been watered down due to that. But even prior to that, we know that they delayed shooting for a day and a half and it was said to be because there were rewrites. I’m honestly wondering if they got the scripts and there wasn’t enough Eda and Serkan, and so maybe the producers had the writers go back and try and fix that and maybe that’s why there seemed to be some emotional inconsistencies scene to scene? Who knows, but I got that feeling just like I did with episode 24. Another one with great scenes that didn’t always make sense one after the other.

That being said, lets jump in:

Anonymous said: Just me or did anyone else feel uneasy at how quickly everyone in SCK decided to just forget the last 6 weeks? Eda & Serkan were just so happy to be back together and we got lots of sweet moments but it just felt like something bad was going to happen. Plus did the characters (and the viewers) really go through all this pain just to gloss over it and pretend things were normal again? While I think the Selin pregnancy story will be wrapped up quickly mostly due to Bige’s current situation, I think (and hope) it has brought to light that Eda & Serkan have some work to do before getting married. They love each other but something feels off. The super quick proposal with a random ring just felt so wrong to me. I am still struggling with Serkan’s character and Eda needs some time to process everything that has happened.

Uneasy is a great word to describe how I was feeling. I think that was a huge problem with this episode. It’s almost like as the audience we’re being gaslit. Like they write this huge traumatic, dramatic storyline, they have Serkan go through hell, break Eda’s heart over and over again, they have Selin and Deniz as awful, manipulative people terrorizing the protagonists, but then at the end the narrative is like *handwave* “Nah, you’re crazy, it wasn’t that bad. These people don’t need to talk about anything or heal, no apologizes, no emotional showdowns and the villains don’t need to be punished, we’ll all just move on.”

IT’S UNSETTLING AS A VIEWER. I feel cheated. I invested in this story, watched in week after week, and then they’re not even going to give us a remorseful, devastated Serkan? Everything was glossed over. They gave us some wonderful, sweet Edser scenes (especially visually) but on my first viewing it felt like this weird cloud was hanging over everything and I couldn’t really enjoy them because I kept expecting the narrative to make some sort of meaning out of everything they’d been through, and that did not happen. (notes on my second viewing down below)

The problem is these writers. They seem fine at coming up with melodramatic plots and shocking cliffhangers, but they have no idea how to give the emotional pay off for what they’ve set in motion. When you put your audience through hell, you owe them to really deliver the emotional climax and these writers dropped the ball pretty much in every way they could throughout this story.

The random ring felt very wrong, but I’m sure they didn’t want to go back to the flower for a proposal that wasn’t going to be successful. No need to make it even more cursed than it is. Serkan’s decision to propose while sweet, was way too soon. I think what the writers were going for was having him propose in front of all of their family and friends, because deep down he knows how much he hurt her when he proposed to Selin in front of all of them. There was a hint of that at the wedding when he wanted to make sure everyone knew how he felt. Especially with the imagery of him getting down on one knee. Getting down on one knee signifies loyalty, obedience and respect so I think there was a lot of significant to him laying himself open to her, and symbolically declaring himself subservient to her in front of everyone.

It’s actually very sweet and does a bit of work in the righting of wrongs, but it’s misguided, and I’m glad it failed. Maybe if we hold out, there were be new writers before she next proposes!

Anonymous said: The real crux of SCK is that these writers cannot write for Serkan. They do not understand his character and probably never watched previous episodes. Since episode 29, there almost seems to be an internal battle with the character because he jumps back & forth between almost being old Serkan & then a straight up cold jerk usually directed at Eda. Still felt it in this recent episode, honestly the only thing that seemed to change was having his memory back & being 100% sure that Eda loved him. Maybe Eda turning down the proposal and him confronting Selin about the pregnancy will finally bring him?

You know maybe that will bring him back. I agree with you, I very much doubt these writers have seen all the episodes, it almost seems like they’re writing him from a character description or something.

On the other hand, I could see after being through a plane crash and having a brain injury, amnesia, PTSD and then weeks of brainwashing and manipulation, that Serkan might be different, especially at first as he adjusts to getting his memories back. I don’t know how retrograde amnesia usually works, if it’s just bits and pieces as he learns to access them or a flood, but I’m sure it’s a lot to handle. And I would be FINE with that, if that was the story they were telling. That he’s overwhelmed and hasn’t processed everything yet, that he’s not exactly the same as he was. However... I have zero faith the writers are doing that on purpose or telling this story. They just ain’t that nuanced.

Anonymous said: I am wracking my brain trying to come up with something to justify Serkan asking Selin to stay at the company & not sell her shares. Like how is that acceptable? And he wanted Eda to be happy with just getting an apology from Selin.....nope, still do not get it. We all know that Serkan does not love Selin but he is never willing to make her feel bad about awful decisions & never goes out of his way to humiliate or hurt her. Nope, he tends to save all of that for Eda.

As I was watching, that scene made my blood boil. BOIL.

However, afterwards, I calmed down, and I can think of a few reasons to justify where Serkan’s head was at. First, we don’t know what Serkan exactly remembers, or if he’s just been hyper focused on Eda. He might not have thought a ton about what Selin had done and how they parted when she left the country the first time around.

Second, remember that Serkan does not know what we know. He doesn’t know that Selin has been actively conspiring with Deniz to keep him and Eda apart and working against them every step of the way. He doesn’t know that she sabotaged Eda’s presentation and Art Life, he doesn’t know that the car accident was fake, that her injuries were fake, that she has been stalking him or that she goaded Deniz in to running from signing the marriage thing.

He doesn’t even know all the things she did in the past. He doesn’t know that she leaked that story to the press which caused Eda to faint. And he can’t even be sure she switched the addresses that caused them to miss each other at dinner, though we assume he suspected her.

From what he said to her, he now has processed enough to realize that not all was on the up and up, she was trying to steal their love. Insert herself where she didn’t belong. But as soon as he said that, she started manipulating him again. She instantly turned herself in to the victim and put him on the biggest guilt trip ever. Blah Blah He called her. She was there for him. She loved him. She was trying to build their life together. Blah Blah Blah. All his fault. She’s spent months brainwashing him, that doesn’t wear off in a few hours. Manipulation. Guilt. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I also think they wanted to show him being more than fair to her, so that he wasn’t the asshole in her story and it would be clear that he doesn’t deserve anything she’d done. We saw him tell her that he wants her to be happy, to show that he is a much better person than she is. She’s still trying to ruin his life, when he’s being more than fair and equitable about things. Plus the guilt is not new. He’s felt guilty about Selin since the beginning, because he knew he used Selin as an excuse to keep Eda near during the entire fake engagement period, and it led to her broken engagement with Ferit, that’s why she got away with a lot in the first 20 eps, Serkan's guilt, and she’s still playing on it.

Also, lets remember he did give her that epic take down in 20. Which lets face it, does it get any more hurtful or humiliatingly to have your ex yell in your face that he never loved you and your childhood friend say that your friendship is over? So I don’t entirely agree with you that he’s never done that. He has, it just took him seeing her hurt Eda to get him to act.

You also say that he saves all his hurt and humiliation for Eda, first for most of that he had amnesia and was being brainwashed, so lets take that into account. Second, he also saves ALL his love, trust and admiration for her. And I think that’s part of it, its the dynamics of the relationships. I don’t think Selin and Serkan really ever fought, there was no passion, there was no heat. They seemingly treated the relationship as an extension of a business relationship. Very cold and impersonal. Simply stated he rarely gets upset and angry with Selin, because he just doesn’t care. With Eda their relationship was built on passion. They spark. They argue, they like to argue. And for her, he cares more than he ever knew was possible. Falling in love and learning to be in love is part of the character’s journey on this show

It goes back to that scene in 18, where he came down a little hard on Eda. Maybe it’s not right, but from Serkan’s perspective, how he interact with them is very different because how he feels about them is very different. He said it during that conversation when Eda asked how he can be kind to Selin when she sold the shares, but discard her... and Serkan blurted out because he has never loved Selin. At that point she couldn’t inspire him to anger. But with Eda sometimes all the emotions overflows and erupts.

Anyway, to that scene, yes it pissed me off, but I do think there is a way to justify it. Also I wonder if they watered it down and decided to save some of it since it had to be a phone conversation instead of in-person because of the death of Bige’s father?

That being said, I would have stood up and cheered if Eda said right then and there that it’s her or me. Serkan needed to be shaken out of his stooper and made to realize that they can not have Selin’s toxic presence anywhere near them and he needs to understand how hurt Eda was. I’m hoping he just hadn’t had time to put all the pieces together yet.

Anonymous said:Mar 21 · a day ago 1) i've seen the garage scene has been making its round across the fandom as the #1 example of how "this is not our serkan" because of he was "being cold." what are your thoughts on it? because to me.. they were literally just stress bickering and then made up. eda wasn't offended by anything, so why is the fandom tied in knots over it? isn't this what we wanted from them? for them to bicker and fight but at the end of it just BE together? i guess i saw that scene differently than most people.

I think that’s exactly how that scene was supposed to be taken. IMO it was the writer’s attempt to insert an argument (because Serkan and Eda’s relationship is always going to have arguing, and the audience loves it, so they have to find a way to give us that every so often) to get that dynamic going.

But the problem is the narrative didn’t earn Serkan bickering with her after everything that’s happened. If you take that scene and insert it after they’ve had a heartfelt talk where Serkan has acknowledge how hurt Eda was through everything and we saw real remorse from him, then those scenes are absolutely fine. Well minus the one line where Serkan tried to dismiss her talking about things with, “Didn’t we talk about this yesterday?” That was not great. Serkan has not earned the right to shut down any line of conversation about his amnesiac behavior.

The writers are just so BAD! They trapped them together with nothing to do but talk, this was the perfect opportunity for them to actually go deep and real and to have Eda tell him how hurt she’d been and for Serkan to really show some emotion and let us see that it hurt him that he hurt her. But they didn’t do that.

I went back and rewatched these scenes and I enjoyed them. Hande and Kerem were great. Without the angst of expectation hanging over them, they’re good scenes. As two people under stress from a race-against-the-clock situation, stuck in a garage and arguing about that, and then making up they were fun. It’s just that lack of emotional consistency after everything they’ve been through that is a problem.

I have no idea why the writers didn’t have the big conversation between them. They gave hints of it. We saw Serkan offer an apology while dancing the night before and Eda shut it down. They had some tender moments in his loft, but it wasn’t enough because we really didn’t see that Serkan was hurt by how he hurt Eda. He seemed to realize that he needed to apologize and that she was the hero and that he needed to make things up to her, but the thing that was missing was them really talking about it. And that would have been okay, Eda was exhausted, both physically and emotionally after everything, but then they should have addressed it later in the episode.

Anonymous said: Can we talk about how the side characters actually serviced the main EdSer plot this episode? I loved that Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi were out there trying to catch Deniz, and they still had time for an Aydan/Kemal conversation. That Alex plot did these women a huge disservice.

Yes! I agree the supporting characters were all doing what they should be doing, supporting the A-story. I enjoyed the Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi scenes, glad they were useful!

Plus I was actually touched by how Aydan called Ayfer in her time of need, they’ve actually become real, true friends which is a cool development. I’m looking forward to the Kemal storyline. Dude is way too interested in Serkan... I’m not sure if he’s Serkan’s father or not, but I think he thinks he might be. Loved that Serkan’s spidey-senses were tingling when it came to him and he was on his guard... if only those spidey-senses worked with Selin.

Melo remains queen and Ceren earned a few rights back by getting the legal in order.

However, WTF was that random Piril/Engin storyline with the hospital? For a second there I thought this show was going really DARK.

Anonymous said: Is it weird that the scene with Serkan apologizing to Eda in his apartment and her kind of brushing it off with the comment “you did not do it on purpose” reminded me a lot of Max trying to apologize to Liz after getting his memory back? Like you just knew that the happiness was not going to last for very long. You cannot gloss over all that pain just because the person you missed is back. Although I will say Max was a lot more apologetic than Serkan and did not act like a jerk during the rest of the episode. Feels like even if this Selin baby situation is resolved quickly that Edser still has a lot of work to do before getting married.

Oh interesting comparison, but right, Max lost his memories for about 30 minutes of screen time (vs Serkan’s almost 900) so Max had a lot less time to do damage! I was always left unsatisfied with that memory-loss storyline I think it should have lasted until the next episode, but everything with the timing in S2 RNM was a little off for me.

But to you point about Edser having work to do before marriage, I completely agree. Although, I don’t even think it’s like they need to take a ton of time, they just have to spend some real, uninterrupted time together and talk all this through. There is no need to rush it when they haven’t dealt with any of the trauma. Like a nice two-week vacation would do them a world of good.

Anonymous said: So are we supposed to think that Eda slept by herself on the sofa downstairs after they had sex? Not exactly romantic. Serkan’s character is still coming off very cold to me although it was definitely a lot better than previous episodes.

Not sure what that was, other than maybe (HOPEFULLY) they want to show us Edser’s carnal reunion and that episode wasn’t the place for it? Also, tbh, I assume with shooting schedules they just didn’t want to have yet another location to prep and shoot in, which the bedroom would have been, so Eda on the couch. Though I don’t know why we couldn’t have had both of them waking up on the couch like ep 11.

Anonymous said: The whole scene at Serkan's house at night felt like such a balm to my soul after the past few episodes. Him telling her that she's the hero in their love story and he owes all the happy moments for the rest of their lives to her... whew it had me welling up. I feel like we'll get more of that guilt out of Serkan after this whole new Selin plot is unraveled, but that scene (with the beautiful music) was honestly what I NEEDED after ep 29 onwards.

Oh I’m so glad it worked for you. I enjoyed those scenes, especially on rewatch. On rewatch I could take them for what they were, but while watching the episode as a whole I was so on edge waiting for some sort of emotional conversation or breakthrough, so that was harder to enjoy.

Hande and Kerem were terrific in them as always. I like that Eda suggested they start fresh in a place of their own, and that he immediately agreed. I liked him wanting to dance with her and hold her, and he did say some very nice things, apologizing and saying she was the hero of their story, but the scenes just didn’t go deep enough for where they were the next day with Serkan being a bit flippant at times. These scenes didn’t do enough repair work to warrant his behavior, though I do acknowledge he was under a lot of stress.

Anonymous said: I'm convinced that these writers are here to sabotage the show. There is no other explanation. No offense to Bige but they should've just cut all of her scenes out and have Selin leave the country abruptly. We didn't need Serkan wishing her happiness, wanting her stay at Art life, and arguing with Eda over it. (what the actual fuck?) To have Bige come back to set this week to play out this pregnancy plot is unfortunate - they really could've just ditched it last minute and that makes me so mad.

The writers suck, and I need them to go like I need a giant vat of sangria while watching this show, but they are not here to sabotage the show.

Anonymous said: I've seen some people say that the serkan now is not "our" serkan and serkan from 28.. do you agree with that? Because of COURSE he won't be the same after everything they've had to go through since then.. I think mainly people seem to think that unless he's like on his knees sobbing for Eda's forgiveness, he's not "back" which I don't agree with. Or maybe I'm just personally over the sadness and don't need a huge breakdown scene and would rather just see them move past it.

I’d take the breakdown scene. This is the man who sobbed when he found out his father was responsible for Eda’s parents death. How has he not had been devastated by how badly he treated her? He said some very nice things in the last episode, but hasn’t offered any specific apology or explanations. It’s all been very broad and on the surface.

Seriously, the scene could last only 3-5 minutes and be amazing and not drag down the entire show. The writers insisted on Serkan treating Eda pretty roughly for a LOT of episodes in a row, they owe it to us for him to face that and deal with it. Maybe it will happen when this Selin stuff comes to a head.

Anonymous said: idk if i'm the only one who feels this way, but after 6 WEEKS of no edser, we get an episode full of happy (except the last 10 mins) and somehow people still nitpick the scenes? and im the first one to admit the writers have sucked all through out the memory plot, but im also not gonna just hate scenes automatically bc i hate them? if you're at the point where you can't even enjoy edser in love and together then what's the point watching? maybe i need to get off twitter after watching the ep.

First I do agree with that. Twitter after the episode is a toxic pit of joyless negativity. Also it always has been that way, even after awesome episodes. For whatever reason on that platform, people knee-jerk react to everything and it’s super unpleasant.

As to your point about nitpicking, I agree. It’s very prevalent in fandom. Because maybe you watch something and liked it. There were a few things that weren’t great, but over all, enjoyable. Then you go online and you see people spiraling about things that hadn’t even hit you and you start thinking about them and all of a sudden something that didn’t bother you while watching is now looming large as as a huge flaw in the show.

In a vacuum the Edser scenes were great. Lots of sweet moments, stunning visuals, H/K chemistry on full display, it’s a shame that it was all a bit disjointed while watching the first time through. The writers just can’t seem to do the big moments justice.

Anonymous said: Thoughts on the ending? She can’t really be pregnant can she? At least not with serkans kid. How the hell are they going to solve this if bige probably isn’t in the next ep or more? :(

Well since you sent this we’ve seen the fragman. At this point, my money is on her being really pregnant with Deniz’s child (By the way, before the fragman I wasn’t sure if she was really pregnant, but if she was I was pretty sure it was Deniz) and I still have a ton of hope that Serkan will know it’s not his, because they didn’t sleep together.

If she’s really pregnant and there was any possibility that Serkan could have been the father she would have been throwing it in his face and making a play to keep him. There is no doubt about that. The fact that she was fleeing the country and adamant that she didn’t want Serkan to know? I think it’s because it can’t be his because they never had sex and she doesn’t want him to know she was cheating on him while they were engaged. She couldn’t continue to play the victim card if he finds that out.

Anonymous said: Selin is def not pregnant IMO. But would she have even concocted this plan if there wasn’t a good chance of eda and serkan believing it for a while? So does that mean the writers are going to make it so that Selin and serkan slept together :( would they really go there?

I think if you watch the Eda/Selin scene again you will see that Selin never says that Serkan is the father, she just says she’s leaving and she repeats again and again that she doesn’t want Serkan to know.

As I said above if she’s really pregnant and there was any way to sell it as Sekan’s, then she would tell him right away and keep on keeping on with the guilt and manipulation.

Even if it’s fake, then she’s doing it just to try and throw one last wrench at the relationship. She told Eda not to tell Serkan over and over again. It it’s fake, maybe a Hail Mary hoping Eda will pull the breaks and potentially leave. This woman is desperate to ruin their happiness, she would do anything even if all it does it cause upset and turmoil for a day.

Anonymous said: I keep hoping that they would pull of one of the biggest twists in dizi history and say that these last 7 episodes were a dream. Imagine how epic that would be.

That would be amazing. Let it all be Serkan’s coma dream after the plane crash and he wakes up to Eda at his bedside.

Anonymous said: While I don’t like Eda saying no to the proposal due to believing Selin’s pregnancy story, I was actually happy that the Edser reconciliation was not wrapped up so quickly. I want them back together but had a real problem with Serkan’s attitude for most of the episode. And him allowing Selin to still work at the company and just apologize to Eda like she borrowed her favorite sweater & never returned it....like who is this guy? And being unwilling to take any blame with the Deniz situation? He needs to actually seem remorseful considering everything that Eda went through. I fear the real problem with his character is the writers which means we may never see episode 1-28 Serkan ever again 😭.

I’ve pretty much addressed all this, but, yes, I feel you. I think it’s a good thing that their reconciliation is going to take more work. Let’s hope the writers find some sort of nuance and skill and get it done!

Anonymous said: I wish bad things on those people who came up with the rumors that we were getting new writers 💀Or the ones who keep saying that Selin will be gone in the next episode and we are coming up on #9 with her. I know it's my own fault for getting my hopes up but still lol - they are purposely extending her stay on this show to spite us, no? This is starting to feel like a personal attack 😂

I KNOW! Those damn spoiler people with their snake oil and false promises! LOL. I have believed them more than once (mostly because I wanted to so badly). That Yasin person (who lies more than he tells the truth) still insists there will be new writers. We shall see. I know more than a few hearts broke when we saw the same names wrote ep 37.

Anonymous said: Do you ever think we’ll get our serkan (ep 1-28) back? Even though he recovered his memory he’s acting so different. In the moments when he’s not being super sweet with eda, he’s inexplicably cold or apathetic. Like when they were stuck in the garage, it was hard to believe he just dismissed her when she brought up being hurt by the memory thing. And telling her to shut up when she was worried instead of comforting her? ESP bc he knows she’s claustrophobic. And answering the phone in the end, even though that “efendim... sevgilim” was turned into a comedic bit, the way he just didn’t seem excited to talk to eda at all? Compared to their phone convos in 12(?) and 27. Idk I can’t believe he has the audacity to be 1) annoyed with eda’s lingering frustration 2) in general not be more apologetic 3) so civil towards Selin? Asking her to stay and saying he wants her to be happy? What the ABSOLUTE FUCK?

I get it, but I think you’ll enjoy the show more if you take a deep breath, realize these writers SUCK, and then try and enjoy the Edser scenes individually. They’re actually pretty good that way. It’s like what I said last week, in order to enjoy, emotionally detach yourself from the plot, and view this as an excuse to see Hande and Kerem make their magic together.

Anonymous said: Ugh sheesh of eda doesn’t tell serkan about selins non pregnancy right away and we have to spend a whole episode with both of them hurt and serkan confused idk how I’m going to have patience to watch it through

This came before the fragman, but from the fragman it appears it’s going to take the whole episode, but I thought it looked like it would be watchable. Seems to me Eda is not going to tell Serkan about the pregnancy. Deniz is going to tip Eda that Selin might be up to something. Cue the girls investigating. At the same time maybe Eda tips off Deniz that Selin is pregnant. Deniz confronts Selin asking if he’s the father. Separately Serkan is trying to find out what’s going on, he finds out Selin is pregnant and the trailer is him telling Engin. I think his reaction could very well be because he’s super confused because how can Selin be pregnant when she was engaged to him but they weren’t sleeping together?? Or he’s furious because he thinks Selin told Eda that and he knows it can’t be true (at least that he’s the father). At least we know that Serkan and Eda have a romantic night at some point...

Anonymous said: I feel like the SCK fandom is on pins & needles waiting to find out in the next episode if Selin & Serkan actually slept together during the 3ish months they were together. Like I want Eda to be honest with him about why she turned down the proposal but then it is either a quick “we never slept together so not possible” that ends that storyline or he admits they did and we spiral into figuring out if she really is pregnant/who is the father. But if she decides not to tell him then he has to spend the episode trying to figure out what happened. Worst case scenario is her not telling him, him spending the whole episode trying to find out and then it ends with a reveal that they did sleep together & pregnancy is possible.

I’m still sticking with that they always purposefully showed us them not sleeping in the same place AND these writers have proved they are aware of the whole “Nobody touches you but me” thing. Why, out of everything, with this storyline looming, is that what he remembered if it wasn’t going to come into play?

And honestly, I don’t want to even speculate it could go the other way, so everyone can stop asking me about that. If we have to cross that bridge, we’ll do it when the time comes. As long as there’s hope, that’s where I’m camping.

Anonymous said: damn, people were just joking about it, but selin and deniz really DID get freaky in the woods lol. no wonder the next time she visited the cafe after the trip she was all awkward about it.

She was totally awkward! And she was checking herself out in the mirror, primping, before she saw him. That’s totally when they did the ugly.

I was cracking up today reading all the people on twitter screaming about “HOW? WHEN?” in regards to Selin and Deniz. UM... they had ample opportunity. They were constantly meeting to discuss their nefarious plans. She was always at his coffee shop. That night at the cabin, Selin and Deniz both went away disappointed and angry leaving Eda and Serkan at the shelter, makes sense they would find cold comfort in each other’s arms. She was acting weird in the last couple of episodes like she’d almost given up and like she was disheartened by how into the sabotage Deniz still was. Also they are side characters in the Edser show, we’re not always going to see what they’re doing. (THANK GOODNESS, last thing we need is that burned into our brains!)

#Sen Cal Kapimi #Edser #Sen Çal Kapımı #sckask #sck episode discussion #sck speculation #sck 1x36 #sck 1x37 #asklizac

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doloreterno · 4 years ago

Text

Hey. How are you?

I want to ask you that. But I have no way of reaching you. I have no means of communication with you. I can't ask how you are or see if you're okay. I can't celebrate your successes or mourn your failures from afar. And maybe I deserve it. But I feel I don't.

It's been about two years now. I don't know if I should count from August or November. November is when you officially abandoned me, but August is when you first admitted to cheating on me - secretly, of course. Honestly, Ollie, I used to be a mod on that server. All I had to do was ask and I was able to go back and read and delete all of your confessions. Star and I have been friends for years, now. Geez...Years. it's weird to say. Being locked up for ten years does shit to you, huh?

I can't help but wonder "why". Why did you abandon me? Why did you stalk me? Why did you abuse me? Why did you even agree to anything in the first place?

I remember the day we met, mostly. You and Birdy were a thing. I....Honestly forgot most of Birdy. I know he was catty and mean. I know he hated me. I know he abused you. And I know it's him I should thank for introducing us. I remember you mentioning we'd met before, too...

And I remember Ciro. It's funny what time does, you know? The first person I'd ever fallen so hard for is now a distant, bittersweet memory. You know what they say, I guess; hindsight is 20/20.

What they don't mention is how painful it is, and how often times, the other person isn't the only one in the wrong. I fully admit that in the past? I was an awful, horrible, abusive person; but not to you. I changed for you, because I loved you so, so dearly. And I still do. I'm sure I always will. Just like I still love Ciro, Ryan and Emmett. Love - actual love - never truly goes away.

And that's why I said what I said and acted how I acted. I want you to stay away. You lied to people about me, abused me, gaslit me, made me think I was a monster when I was actively changing, getting help, and being properly diagnosed. And yeah - I still fuck up pretty often. I'm human. And I'm a human that's still learning what do many would have learned in their developmental years; friendship, family, love, happiness, self love, aspirations and goals, support....All these mundane but wonderful things I missed out on my entire life and for those long, long ten years.

I remember when mom moved out. I thought, "It's over? Just like that?" It didn't feel real and I felt so...pit off by it? I don't know the actual words. But I remember how good it felt to be able to express my emotions openly - to be able to feel sad and happy and cry and laugh and listen to music and do art projects and dress how I wanted and come and go as I liked. I was so, so happy and I still am so very happy and grateful to be free.

But so much was done in those years - and in half of that? You were there. I thought when I moved out that finally we could fully be together. All my dreams were coming to fruition. But then...You abandoned me. Not a word of unhappiness was spoken. You just left. Blocked me. Avoided me. Wouldn't even be in the same room as me. And I was utterly powerless again.

I couldn't take it. I sent all those message because I knew, if you came back? I'd take you back with open arms. My heart was a bird and you were it's nest. How can a bird rest when it has no home...?

I figured...Since that was the case, I'd make you hate me. You wouldn't come back, and my planned suicide that night wouldn't bug you.

Jayden may have been an ass, but, he did one thing right. He took me to the ER. Called an Uber. They locked me in that psych ward for a week.

But I'm glad they did. Sounds stupid, right? Especially with how scared I was of psych wards.

But I learned so much about myself, my illness, and the people there gave me wisdom that non atypical people wouldn't give. They may be there for a reason, but so was I.

I guess I'm writing this because, recently, I've come to understand and experience many things. So many things about the world...

Well. I guess the first thing is, I haven't been suicidal since that year. Don't get me wrong - I'm still depressed and lonely often, but definitely not to the degree I was before.

My chosen family is the best family I could ever ask for. My Domme, my step parents, my little brother, my new kitten Neptune...and of course, everyone else I've met.

For someone with BPD, I'm considered hard to read and level headed. My Momma once called me a walking, talking dichotomy and honestly? She's right. It's kind of amusing. But it makes me feel special. It means I survived. Unfortunately, that's not always a good thing either. Being stoic and blank faced all the time seems to stem from the residual trauma of those ten years. But are you really surprised? Cause I'm not.

I've gotten better at vocalizing how I feel. It still takes me a bit and I fumble over words, but, expressing myself vocally has become much easier.

I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids or a huge, white picket fence family. I'm a polyamorous, grey-ace, low maintenance introvert who prefers cats and pain over the American dream and? I'm okay with that - happy about it, even. It's an odd relief knowing I don't have to live up to those standards that were forced on me for so long.

Lastly....You can feel more than one emotion. About anything. It's okay to. And I'm so grateful for the happy moments we shared and the sweet memories we made. I'm so happy for the times where you did egg me on in my growth. But with that said....I'm also still sad. Still mourning. I wish you had told me. I wish you wouldn't lie to people. I wish I knew all the whys and hows.

But with that....I don't really have much more to say. I guess we both know you could never really replace me just as I can never really replace you. But we shouldn't have to, and shouldn't try to. Everyone is an individual in their own rights. Everyone is different.

I know there's not a chance in frozen hell you'll see this - that any of you will. Malo, Emmett, Karmalits, Angel, Adarius, Nassir, Ciro, Ryan...Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for loving that broken, venemous child that was locked up and forgotten about. I love all of you dearly and always will. I'm sorry I didn't understand and that I hurt you.

I hope you're proud of who I am and who I'll become

Thank you and I love you.

Forever your blue rose, forever your angel,

Dolor

#a letter ill never send

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omenapologist-moved · 5 years ago

Text

My goal isn't to "get SSI and not do anything" and I know I don't need to justify shit to someone who so happily sided with a man that repeatedly raped me throughout our relationship but I'm going to fucking talk on my own fucking platform.

I want SSI so that I don't have to continue the cycle of working for about a month until I become too suicidal to continue working, going to the hospital so I don't hurt myself, and then rinsing and repeating, perpetually and forever.

I want SSI so I don't have to struggle for the rest of my life like that.

I want SSI before I age out of the CARE account system, or whatever it's called, because I want to become a homeowner and a stable income from disability is likely the only way I will ever be able to achieve that.

I want SSI so that instead of spending most of my waking time trying to dig myself out of whatever nightmarish financial situation I am going through, I can spend it bettering my health, learning, and making art on good days.

I want SSI because I had 5 different jobs within the span of one year. I struggled with working just 15 hours a week at a minimum wage job.

I wouldn't just do nothing. I'd like to garden, learn things about the world on my own time, become an activist for causes I care deeply about, and also I'd like to be able to afford basic fucking needs instead of struggling and having to beg for assistance all the time.

I'm anti-work because I strictly believe that you SHOULD NOT HAVE TO SELL YOUR LIFE AWAY just to have your basic needs met when there is plenty of food, shelter, and other resources for every single person, and unless you enjoy being exploited for the profits of another, you should be too.

You contradict yourself. I simultaneously am not actually disabled, but I have severe problems that need to be addressed? Your own words make no sense, because you don't care about logic or reason, and you sure as hell don't care about other people. You will say or do anything that you think will get to me, no matter how irrational or hypocritical or contradictory it is. Think harder about your argument next time, maybe. Or better yet, find a hobby that doesn't involve me living rent-free in your mind.

This has been going on for well over a year now. I have been constantly gaslit, constantly on guard and paranoid and wondering when yet another shoe will drop regarding this situation. You cannot simultaneously act like the victim and then continously go out of your way to harass me on all fronts by making new accounts, by constantly evading my blocks, by attempting to access my private accounts and group chats.

I at least am aware of the extent of my psychological damage and problems and am actively trying to heal, the progress of which you hamper constantly. I think your commitment to stalking me betrays your own psychological damage, and I encourage you to work on yourself. See a god damn therapist. Take your meds. Stop being around people who enable your toxic behaviors, who encourage you to go to hell with them rather than recover alone. This will only burn you in the end.

#\\\^◊^///#VVV

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motherboxing · 6 years ago

Text

I said I wasn’t going to write about this but after talking to my girlfriend I changed my mind

TW for mentions/acknowledgement of sexual abuse, including CSA and incest, as well as non-CSA/non-incestuous abuse/rape, gaslighting, property damage, stalking, and self-harm.

I want to talk about the Ailey O’Toole plagiarism thing but I am angry. I am worried that saying I am angry is derivative. I am worried that my trauma is derivative. I am worried that my trauma is original (too original, perhaps, one might say, unbelievable?) and people have and will plagiarize it for personal gain. I am worried about being accused of doing this, because I have cast around for ways of describing What Happened, ways of acknowledging, naming, coming to terms, trying to mend, and in my utter overwhelm about the abject terror of that, often looked to the writings of other survivors. I have talked to other survivors who told me that they did this with my own writing, for themselves. The networks of survivors that I know, sharing our language, offering up our sympathies for each other, relating, connecting, trying to heal, are beautiful, intricate, delicate things. When someone does something like this it smashes a wrecking ball through the house I am trying to build in my head for the knowledge of my own abuse.

She stole the words of other women - many of whom were women of colour - and presented them as her own. More than that, she stole the stories of their personal trauma. She took a description, written by Rachel McKibbens, of physical injuries relating to abuse, and presented it as pure metaphor, revealing through her own amateurish take on an expertly constructed work her lack of understanding. Her poems are worse than the poems of the people whose traumas she exploited. She’s a hack. I have tried to muster empathy for her and I have none. I only have the internal chaos of having been effectively gaslit for years.

Something that I think gets lost in the way that the term “gaslit” gets thrown around today is the long-term impact of gaslighting. I am not very good at describing it but I would say it is in part a constant self-doubt. Did this happen? Here is the proof I have collected. At night sometimes I do little drawings and leave them on my desk to prove that I was there, a real person. When someone lies to me, I become destabilized and angry, then direct that anger inward. I compartmentalize my memories into neat little boxes, separate and away from each other, and then when that no longer works I pick and pick and pick at them. I acknowledge the truth of my memory and then I unravel it, spool the thread, and light it on fire. If you go to therapy, he said, they’ll plant false memories. Therapists can do that. They’ll tell you you were abused to turn you against me. You know I would never hurt you, right? Don’t you love me?

A recollection of a specific assault can be hidden away, like the rug I bought that he ruined that he pretended wasn’t real. I bought it with my own money and he hid it and told me I never did, and I believed him until I found it when I was moving out and saw the big stain on it. I left the rug there. Did the rug exist? Now I believe - know - that it did, but when someone lies about shit like this, it worms its way under my skin and eats at me. There are people - former friends of someone I was formerly in love with; someone I was formerly in love with; someone I was never in love with but who took what he wanted anyway - who will still tell you the rug did not exist. Sometimes people who were not there tell me that the rug did not exist. I imagine there are people who will read this and say, see! She ADMITS she’s an unreliable narrator!! The rug is literal and also a metaphor.

What if someone does to me what Ailey O’Toole did to McKibbens and others - reads this piece I am writing and cribs it, claiming it as their own? Or, more horrifically: what if I’m doing that to someone else and I don’t realize, because all of my memories are fake?

My rational mind knows that there is a difference between me reading something on someone’s blog and then later, privately, telling my therapist about it, saying I appreciated the language that person used, saying I found their writing a relatable account of something similar to something that I remember in my own past - that their writing made me feel understood, made me understand something about myself; that I cannot speak about my own memories as mine just yet, but I can acknowledge the recognition that I felt reading this other person’s work - and publishing in a book that I got paid for and did interviews about and won awards for a story which is wholly someone else’s, and claiming it as mine. My rational mind even knows that there is a difference between someone picking up a phrase I used to describe my abusive former family (“mutual bullshit society”) and applying it within their own traumablogging on their non-monetized tumblr blog where they are just trying to process their own shit, and the careful, deliberate crafting of an autobiographical poem written for publication and considered for prestigious awards.

Gaslighting, though, tells me there isn’t. Maybe, it tells me, you’re lying. Maybe you made it up, for sympathy, for attention, for prestige - to be seen as someone who has Survived, which is Admirable, because everyone loves a survivor as long as they aren’t a bummer! As long as they are inspiring. Isn’t that what you want? To be seen as strong? To not be afraid? Wouldn’t it be easier if none of this was real?

I wonder if Ailey O’Toole understands these feelings. I wonder if she understands what it’s like to have someone deliberately chip away at your ability to trust your thoughts, memories, feelings, instincts, and impressions until you genuinely think you don’t know what’s real anymore. I wonder if she understands what it’s like to wrestle that self-doubt to the ground, pin it down, and say, “THIS HAPPENED”, only to have it rear up and take a chunk out of your flesh in retaliation. I wonder if she understands what it’s like to do that and then see her, her smiling, perfectly made-up, straight-haired perfect white girl face with no damaged teeth, revealed as a fraud, and feel a fear worse than “what will happen if I stop acting like I made it up?” - what if I DID make it up after all?

I don’t know Ailey O’Toole’s life. I’m not saying she’s never been abused. And I do not subscribe to the school of thought that teaches that people (women) make up stories about sexual violence for twitter fame and book deals. I do think that in many (white) feminist circles online, there is a dangerous premium placed on vulnerability. That poses much more of a risk to people who are willing to be genuinely vulnerable than it does to people who crib other peoples’ writing about their abuse and pretend that that is vulnerability.

And I don’t know what to do with my anger about this. I don’t know how to navigate the tangled knots of denial it tightens within me to see a story about someone who exploited other peoples’ trauma in this way. It is damaging, and it sucks, and if I’m honest, I do not think O’Toole understands the harm she has caused - primarily to the people who she ripped off, the victims of her fraud, but also, in a secondary way, to the people who are struggling to tell their own truths whose perception of that activity is easily cracked by shit like this. It’s just hard. I wish people wouldn’t do it.

#if you read this i would appreciate a like just to let me know

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goldenrathians · 6 years ago

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So, I would like to take some time to elaborate on who exactly has been cyberstalking me for the last 10 months and the context for nearly every personal post i make. I’m doing this because I haven’t ever really directly stated what happened to me beyond “my last relationship was abusive and my ex is not finished with me” and because i know she reads my blog constantly, i figure it can’t hurt to list some of her actions.

this year, i’ve done a lot of healing, gone to a lot of therapy. ive been able to distance myself enough from my ex to realize that not only was her behavior towards me during our relationship emotionally abusive, manipulative, and unfair, but that her behavior since leaving me has been even worse (harrassment, smear campaigns, lying, stalking). it took about 5 months to really even be able to acknowledge that it was abuse while we were together and that the amount of self blame i had been harboring was something she’d purposefully instilled in me. the unhealthy behaviors i’d been expressing while with her (mood swings, outbursts of anger, confusion, difficulty with overattachment) are literally symptoms of a trauma bond and began to go away almost immediately after implementing no contact. i also currently have doubts about the validity of any of her statements concerning her other exes and current partner because i know she enjoys lying and uses it as a tool to turn people against her victims. i also experienced symptoms of ptsd following the breakup that worsened when i began to fully admit to myself the extent of the emotional trauma i’d gone through (for context, i went from an unhealthy relationship with someone far older than me directly into my last one, so it was about 3 years worth of baggage).

i am capable of recognizing that not only was it good for me to be discarded by my abuser but that she only did so because i had become too vocal about my unhappiness with the way she was treating me. we fought pretty much every week because she continually neglected my needs while i tried to cater to hers and whenever i would bring it up she would accuse me of being controlling, violent, or otherwise unhealthy. she has gaslit me before (and oddly enough accused me of doing the same to her to a friend, despite me never having done such a thing) and convinced me briefly that i had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and that THAT was why i was always so unhappy with our relationship. she likes people who make her feel good about herself, and because i was no longer able to do that at a rate which outweighed my criticism of her behavior, she decided to fabricate an excuse to leave me and did so through text and would not allow me to speak about it to her for the next month. she also tried to get me to stay friends even though i had explicitly told her i did not want to do that, and when i told her i would on the condition that i be allowed to ask about the breakup or take time to express grief, she told me that she was “not my therapist” and that i was being unfair. i then cut contact with her, which began the now 10 months long (and most likely will be years long) period of harrassment and stalking.

i have dozens of screenshots saved of our discussions on discord, as well as detailed records of her activity since we broke up (all the times she harrassed me). i have evidence of her talking about me to her friends at the time of us dating in a way that paints me in a very poor light. i have screenshots of a conversation where she forced me to publicly apologize to her friend group after claiming that i was an embarrassment, which was prefaced by the phrase “i love you, so i cut you a lot of slack.”

she used my physical attraction to her as a tool on numerous occasions. first of all, she literally lured me into the relationship with it, as the one i’d had before had left me feeling disgusting and unwanted because of a transphobic partner. she learned how to make me feel whole and then used that to her advantage, because it was instrumental in getting me to stay (i believed no one else would treat me like a person in bed). sex became a bargaining chip and on more than one occasion i was told i was unnattractive or undesirable because of something i’d done, such as expressing the urge to be more submissive in bed. i was also encouraged to force myself on her sexually during a fight (something i am not and was not comfortable doing in reality), which i now realize was her way of using sex to keep me from staying mad at her long enough to raise a complaint about her treatment of me. as a result, i’ve had extreme difficulty with touch and sexual contact over the last ten months because in my head no matter who i sleep with the last person who touched me is her and i can’t escape that.

i constantly felt trapped, because i was aware on some level that people do not treat someone they love in this way, and yet any time i tried to leave she would act like she could change and treat me right. i kept staying around against my better judgement because i thought she would stop lying to me. i felt i owed it to her because she said so many people in the past gave up on her or got mad at her for being depressed. i truly thought she was a good person and that a good person would be capable of reasoning with me and we could both be happy.

she also maintained contact with the person she’d been dating before she met me, which was unquestionably cruel towards said individual. She would say hateful things about this person, yet never give them a chance to truly grow on their own and encouraged them to stay in love with her (i suspect they had a similar attachment to her). After dumping me she returned to this person only to abandon them again three months later to get engaged to someone she may have been cheating on them with.

i have proof of her lying about committments we’d made to eachother as a way to get out of spending time with me, and when confronted with evidence of said lies by people who’d witnessed her make the promise and fail to keep it, she would respond negatively and blame me, telling me i was a controlling person and then giving me the silent treatment. she constantly accused me of using our relationship as a threat in arguments, yet i never once said “if you don’t do __ i will break up with you,” only confessed that it felt like she did not want to be with me because of the lying and the refusal to spend time with me. she expressed desire to physically assault me once while angry, and made repeated comparisons between me and her abusive father, despite my voiced discomfort with being compared to men. when i once said (and immediately regretted) that sometimes i wished i could “shut her up forever” during a fight, she then began to claim that i harbored desire to physically abuse her...despite her having expressed violent desires towards me months earlier. anything i had ever said or done became fair game in an argument if i tried to voice my discomfort in the relationship.

she often compared me to her exes or to her friends as a way to make me feel inadequate or unenjoyable to be around. she would then private message me to start fights while around these friends, then accuse me of starting fights and preventing any further private communication. if i showed signs of distress publicly, i would then be “humiliating” her and she would tell her friends that i was overemotional.

She told me reasonably early on in the relationship (first six months) that she wanted to marry me. She said that since she was going to be in the military, we should marry soon so that we could live together. I was hesitant at first because it seemed strange to marry at 20 or 21. She would continue to bring it up until I said I was okay to do so. She told me in december that she wanted me to buy her a $400 bear and propose to her with it. Every month I was met with the same message of “I want to marry you.” In may, I mentioned that i might propose when she visited in july, since she had said to propose before she enlisted. She told me it was too soon and that she no longer wanted to be engaged to me. I was hurt and responded poorly, and accused her of having once again made a promise to me she had no intention of keeping. I recognize now that as an isolated incident, this was a total, blatant overreaction, but at the time i was feeling a lot of stress due to her racking up nearly $500 on my debit card and her repeatedly agreeing to date nights and cancelling last second while arguing with me if i was unhappy. She then used the military as an excuse to dump me in early june, which i now suspect was a total lie because i know for a fact she has not gone to basic yet and has been theoretically scheduled to for nearly a year. She accused me of being immature and pathetic, and told me that her life was much better without me in it. I asked her if there was someone else, which she denied, but i knew better. I had been suspecting it for a while.

since i told her to never contact me again over the summer she has:

in july, she began dating her ex girlfriend again, and told a mutual friend she had never loved me to begin with. Keep in mind that this ex was the one she’d left to date me, and that I never once pressured her to be with me. I don’t doubt that she never loved me, but not through my own personal failings. Rather, i don’t think she is capable of healthy love. She would repeatedly bring up that she did not ever love me and that I was stupid for believing her when she’d told me she wanted to be with me.

In august, i was still suffering the effects of the trauma bond and was still in love with her despite knowing she was being unnecessarily cruel to me. i couldn’t believe the person i’d loved with my whole being was the same person who was openly insulting me. I tried to ask a friend how she was doing in late july. He told me she was happy with her then partner and showed me screencaps of her doting on said partner with the same “we should be together forever” crap she fed me. I was later made aware that he would mock me behind my back with her. At the time i had her blocked on most social media platforms, but she reached out on a tumblr sideblog to tell me i was an idiot and that i should have known she never loved me and that her then-girlfriend loved her better than i could and that she had always been in love with her.

in october/early november, she dumped that person. she then began dating someone who i know has a history of low self esteem (she picks her targets like that) and purposefully liked a personal post on my blog (knowing that i would take the bait and try to directly engage her). I did. And she told me in the most condescending way possible that again, i didn’t know anything about her and that she was happy with this new person, who was everything i was not, and that i was the person who needed to grow and let go of bitterness. Please note that i had only asked why she was liking things on my blog. I told her i didn’t want to hear from her anymore and blocked her again on discord. She then reached out to me on tumblr (before i could block her there) to say “I can unblock you on my main account if you want to talk.” as though it were some kind of favor to do that to me. as though i had done literally anything besides say “i’m blocking you, don’t contact me.”

Also in november she had her new girlfriend send me messages telling me to stop stalking her, which is ridiculous because i made a rule to myself to not look at her social media back in august and had been reading about what to do with narcissists (no contact rule). The new girlfriend told me I deserved what had happened to me. I attempted to warn the new girlfriend that it was all lies, but then realized it wouldn’t do any good, so i blocked the both of them.

On january 1st, i recieved a discord call from a dormant group chat (unused for nearly a year). It was from the new girlfriend. She hung up and then posted screenshots of her and my ex together, along with a message @ing me saying that they were now living together (from long distance to cohabiting in my ex’s parents’ house) and that my ex had proposed to her. Multiple people witnessed this. It was entirely unprovoked on my part as i had not attempted to contact either of them since november. This was a post designed to demoralize me or upset me, which it failed to do because by december i was out of love and in full recovery. i had acknowledged that my ex was not the person i had romanticized so heavily in my head.

Late january, my ex posed as her fiancee on discord to message someone who was once a mutual friend but who is now only my friend. After he told her he wasn’t interested in talking, she revealed it was her and not her fiancee, made a very pitiful attempt to insult him, and then blocked him.

Early february, she contacted a friend of mine whom she had met twice in real life december 2017. she still had his phone number and snapchat, and reportedly sent him an image of a paypal receipt, which i suspect had something to do with the (expensive) items i’d requested she return to me when we broke up. This could have been innocent, but given her other patterns, i highly doubt that it was anything short of intentional because she knew he would ask me about it. I told him to block her just in case.

Following that, in early march, I recieved anonymous questions on tumblr about my relationship status. I have a brain and am able to easily spot her text speech patterns. I then installed a tracker on my blog to register page hits and responded to the ask, knowing she was bound to check for responses.

Around that time, i was made aware by a friend that someone i used to talk to no longer talked to me because of how i and my ex had treated them. i reached out because i felt like even if it was way too late at least maybe they could know i was aware i’d been shitty to them. we talked and i was told that my ex had pretty much lied constantly about my actions and that this person didn’t like me because they were under the impression that i was the abuser in the relationship. This is not the only time someone has come forth to tell me that my ex used to talk about me behind my back. I have had other friends and acquaintances mention it to me over the past year.

Since then, she has visited my page and looked through my personal tag numerous times a week, ranging from once a day to up to 6 times or more. I have evidence of her every move ever since she decided to start harrassing me back in July. I know she is likely reading this exact post. I also know she isn’t very smart, because a smart person would have stopped trying the first time they were blocked. I know that she secretly hates herself and that she represses the anger she feels because she likes to make people think she’s afraid to hurt them, but she enjoys starting drama and spreading rumors wherever she goes. I know that she probably had some sort of traumatic events in her early teens that caused her to begin serially dating/abusing people, but I also don’t really care at this point. I did a lot of emotional labor trying to humanize her up until I realized I didn’t owe her that anymore. It’s somewhat refreshing knowing that I’m allowed to speak now and that there will be no consequences. There is no relationship to lose. Anyone who wishes to challenge me is totally welcome to do so, because I have a shit ton of proof that supports my side of this story.

#ender.txt #long post

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myvoicenottheoneyougiveme · 4 years ago

Video

youtube

I was in the neighborhood when I dug up the one for the post just a few minutes ago.

Relevant context here is important. I’ve pointed to and named books or methods or essentially ways of living, healthy ways of being, that I am and have been actively harassed for. Breaking into my digital spaces, offline even, harassing me for simply existing, for daring to exist. But I’ve pointed to methodologies, and I’ve laid claim to the fact that not only am I denied my personal space--my right to breathe and feel and experience things deeply that are personal or intimate while maintaining my right to choose how near or how far THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD (apparently,) is in those moments--but I am also denied the possibility of going any deeper than that.

I’ve advocated for what is essentially emotional presence, and so many of my muses (that I’ve been coerced into letting go of) double as these described trips back in time, accessing emotional states frozen in time out of youth. Media and art can be very powerful, and while it’s all in the neighborhood, there isn’t quite a substitute for working through an actual process whether with a book like any I’ve ever cited, or with an actual therapist--something that was undone, not by me, shortly after arriving in this state.

I’ve said in so many ways both simple and long-winded, that I am no longer allowed the personal freedom--the personal space--by my stalker in my own home to experience anything anymore, much less do the difficult task of digging as deep as “therapy” requires. Surviving “this” onslaught--”this” never ending day--is antithetical to being here and now. I survive “this” abuse in the only way a person can, by dissociating from my every waking moment in “this” toxic, caustic environment I am enveloped in.

“This” happening, is death. “This” happening, the problem I have with it, it’s not being some brat who’s had their toys taken away. I CANT LIVE “this” way.

I didn’t even get through this video, it highlights everything about psychotherapy that I’ve ever been shown or taught or learned of my own volition.

The point here is that, this subject is precisely what is being fought about. My stalker wants to change the subject and make it about this or about that, but my issue with what’s happening to me is quite simple. And it gives rise to everything else, that my stalker/gaslighter wants to then inflate and throw back at me to change the subject.

We were talking about this, this right here. This. My right to peace in my own home, in my own personal space, my right to not be harassed, stalked, manipulated, gaslit. I don’t even have the words for what the rest of you who are apart of “this” take for granted. It’s so simple, but it’s so profound. The words will never weigh as much as what is robbed.

I can’t breathe. It never ends. It never stops. It’s always on. It’s everywhere, all the time, just like it always was. And even if I cope with what’s being done to me in more or less dysfunctional ways, I am not allowed to do anything else. I am not allowed to be. I am not allowed to breathe.

This right here was the point I was making before my tormentor(s) decided to change subjects by zooming in with a microscope on something else to obfuscate the larger picture of what’s wrong with “this”. She/they/”this” is/are not allowed to be what is wrong with “this” picture. I am not allowed to be better off without the one(s) here to save me and save us all from me. A different crisis sold to me and everyone else every day of the week. She has to be the lifeline, the source, the one through whom anything remotely good (or bad) comes or goes from my life. It’s not allowed to come from me. I’m not allowed to be better off without. No one is allowed to be better off without the narcissist. Ever. That’s standard fare.

No, I’m this HUGE problem that only she can fix. Everything, something different on a given day, whatever is within reach at the moment, everything a crisis and all further evidence and justification for her extraordinary “oversight”.

I’m not allowed to be better off without, and it shows in every way she tries to break me down. If it doesn’t come from her, if it doesn’t follow her script, it’s a great big problem that has to be stamped out.

What is happening to me, what has been happening to me for years, what I don’t believe will ever stop on its own, it is the antithesis of everything encapsulated in this video, every freedom I am denied, everything I’ve ever tried to do or have for myself.

My life’s sponsor(s) have a vested interest in holding onto power over me by any means necessary. No lie she/they won’t tell, nothing she/they won’t blow up into whatever they can to keep pedaling their narrative to keep their circus going at any cost. Ends justifying means. Intentions of the perpetrator more important than the effect on the person it’s all feigned to be for, to help. ...I should be grateful. I should be reverent and compliant. I should hold her up in the same esteemed light everyone she conscripts does. The fact that I could take issue at all with someone so benevolent and kind and trustworthy and innocent and who's such a big fucking victim themselves... out to cure the world of all its ills... the fact that I could take issue with her or with any of it, it’s all somehow proof of why “This” has to be done to me.

Everything is somehow proof of why “this” has to be done to me. Nothing can be that isn’t. By her and for her. And by no means better off without. Destroy me rather than let that happen.

Edit:

The things nearest to me, that I would dare to come near to in my own personal space, what you've taken every opportunity to capitalize on and violate... they're beyond steeped in it--the pain they’re talking about

...and you know it. But humanity in me, doesn't help you, doesn't aid your narrative, doesn't give you leverage or justification for exercising and abusing extraordinary power in my life, to stalk and manipulate and harass and isolate and punish for simply existing. The act in itself is violent, whether you make an opportunity (which you always do) or not, to run with it. The act of breaking in, is itself violent and traumatic.

You preclude life itself.

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