#oughhhh god oughh reading your brothers most vulnerable journals 2 days after he got sucked into the portal

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Thing of the day I'm losing it over:

Stan read Fords journals. He read them, cover to cover page after page. He read his scribbled out notes about dreams of adventuring with 'his brother' he read about his loneliness, about how excited he was to have a friend, he read about his dreams of grandeur, his hopes, his weird guilt nightmares about Stan, reading the first two he probably went over hundreds of times the half scribbled notes about himself, about how 'the author' never fit in, never felt happy, the notes about 'my brother' and what's worse, what infinitely worse?? He didn't get journal 3 till the very end, he spent 30 years assuming his brother was an uptight loner who hated him and only ONLY when he read journal 3 would he have learned just how sick Ford was mentally and physically when they met. He would have *seen* the pages where he's trying to stay awake for days with coffee after coffee, his abandonment of his only friend, his unhinged scared rambles and scribbles- his fear that everyone was watching him, his devolution read by a brother who spent his entire life thinking Ford was the 'okay' one. Read by his brother that thought he was just, hated. Probably followed by a combination of some horrific sadness at seeing the brother he loves sick like that, seeing that the peppy all-too-perfect shy brother he loved had grown up to become this unwell this deranged while he was gone and he wasn't able to stop it or do anything about it, but on top of that, maybe just a little solice? It wasn't him after all, it was Bill it was Ford it was his work, his brother wasn't okay and the way he treated him wasn't genuine, it was scared and sleep deprived, the possibility that the real Ford would have always wanted him around under a different mental state is very real. Then again, in the middle of Fords most unwell ramblings, at the peak of his horrible twisted paranoia and unrest and self destruction fearing his own body and mind- there's an illustration, crossed out of that stupid motion invention. And it has no caption but it doesn't really need one to understand the meaning, for Stan to understand it at least, that maybe in parts, in ways large and small he created this, he turned his soft, shy twin brother into whatever this is. It's like. When I read the journal and think about Stan reading it knowing it's ford i just. AHHHH.