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countlesscrimes · 1 year ago

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Rabbit Hole

Tick tock goes the clock hanging on the schoolroom wall…I wonder if any other silly sucker has noticed that it’s both sideways & halfway hanging off its hinges completely.

Tick tock, it’s ten past two & if you fall too far behind, we will having nothing else but well wishes when we watch the train go by.

Than it wrecks. The train wrecks & women are throwing their babies into the bog below rather than smell their infant roast it’s little life away.

Adieu to you, farewell my fairest friend…who are you again? How was it that we met? Some summer spent swimming until our skin was made of sheer gold, then the nights turned long & lonely so I had to say goodbye to the best friend I have ever found; sweet slumber.

My mother was the type of woman than nuns would say was a “living saint”(the icing on my mother’s cake is that she remembers the name of all 7 men that she has ever slept with & can genuinely claim she loved each man then & she remains too)…therefore as her failure of a daughter, so often turned into the whore yet never made worthy of the title wife.

I have strategically swayed myself from simultaneously being both overly melodramatic & utterly melancholy….altogether manipulative. My own raw beauty is only on par with the the offensive images that rape your eyes of a train derailed into a shallow, stagnant, swamp. Yet the more you wish to turn away from the obscene, you become increasingly compelled.

It’s become a commitment, sitting safely across a field while simply watching the devastation unfold. To add about the water; not nearly so shallow that once her husband was inevitably killed in the crash, that she could lift her baby & petticoats, wading to firm ground. No, just shallow so that you don’t fully submerge within the initial crash & your head is above water…for now. You were witness to your husband’s passing but you poor baby just vanished as the coach sank deeper into the squalid depths of water not fit enough to put a fire out at a brothel.

Your cursed petticoats & corsets have you entangled to your doom. No one is going to come cut away the cloth that has me tied to some seat feet below, no no- NOT WHEN THAT SAME CLOTH COVERS MY CHASITY. All the good men were gone years ago, not one left alive willing to risk propriety for the prolonging of humanity.

So, tick tock, just wish on a clock

At least you can’t count the numbers on it

Quite unlike the many stars in the sky,

More unnamed than we have identified already.

As I lay me down to sleep, I hope it is only mere moments before my lungs are flooded with this filthy, wretched water. I hope infant baptism was well worth it, so that my baby is free of original sin & hasn’t another moments heartache. I know my husband has hardly been the head of house, good Christian man he should so I damn him to hell with his many whores (the writer of this poetic monstrosity a guaranteed guest.

Tick tick, wish upon a clock but it’s beyond a bit to late to save this wretched woman I am, but MY GOD loves for my wicked ways.

written by, yours truly!

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pamphletstoinspire · 6 years ago

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Gospel Reading and Commentary for Thursday, January 3, 2019 - Roman Catholic - Luke 2: 21 - 24 (Optional Memorial of The Most Holy Name of Jesus)

21. And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS, which was so named of the angel before he was conceived in the womb.

BEDE; Having related our Lord’s nativity, the Evangelist adds, And after that eight days were accomplished for the circumcision of the child. AMBROSE; Who is this Child, but He of whom it was said, Unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given? For He was made under the law, that He might redeem them who were under the law. EPIPHAN. Now the followers of Ebion and Cerinthus say, “It is enough for a disciple if he be as his Master. But Christ circumcised Himself. Be you therefore circumcised.” But herein do they deceive themselves, destroying their own principles; for if Ebion should confess that Christ as God descended from heaven and was circumcised on the eighth day, it might then afford the ground of an argument for circumcision; but since he affirms Him to be mere man, surely as a boy he cannot be the cause of Himself being circumcised, as neither are infants the authors of their own circumcision. But we confess that it is God Himself who has descended from heaven, and that enclosed in a virgin’s womb, He abode there the whole time necessary for her delivery, until He should perfectly form to Himself of the virgin’s womb a human body; and that in this body He was not in appearance but truly circumcised on the eighth day, in order that the figures having come to this spiritual fulfillment, both by Himself and His disciples, might now be spread abroad no longer the figures but the reality.

ORIGEN; As we have died with Him at His death, and risen together with Him at His resurrection, so with Him have we been circumcised, and therefore need not now circumcision in the flesh. EPIPHAN. Christ was circumcised for several reasons. First indeed to show the reality of His flesh, in opposition to Manichaus and those who say that He came forth in appearance only. Secondly, that He might prove that His body was not of the same substance with the Deity, according to Apollinaris, and that it descended not from heaven, as Valentinian said. Thirdly, to add a confirmation to circumcision which He had of old instituted to wait His coming. Lastly, to leave no excuse to the Jews. For had He not been circumcised, they might have objected that they could not receive Christ uncircumcised. BEDE; He was circumcised also that He might enjoin upon us by His example the virtue of obedience and might take compassion on them who being placed under the law, were unable to bear the burdens of the law, to the end that He who came in the likeness of sinful flesh might not reject the remedy with which sinful flesh was wont to be healed. For circumcision brought in the law the same assistance of a saving cure to the wound of original sin which Baptism does in the time of the grace of revelation, except that as yet the circumcised could not enter the gates of the heavenly kingdom, but comforted after death with a blessed rest in Abraham’s bosom, they waited with a joyful hope for their entrance into eternal peace. ATHAN. For circumcision expressed nothing else, but the stripping off of the old birth, seeing that part was circumcised which caused the birth of the body. And thus it was done at that time as a sign of the future baptism through Christ. Therefore as soon as that of which it was a sign came, the figure ceased. For since the whole of the old man Adam is taken away by baptism, there remains nothing which the cutting of a part prefigures. CYRIL; It was the custom on the eighth day to perform the circumcision of the flesh. For on the eighth day Christ rose from the dead, and conveyed to us a spiritual circumcision, saying, Go and teach all nations, baptizing them. BEDE; Now in His resurrection was prefigured the resurrection of each of us both in the flesh and the Spirit, for Christ has taught us by being circumcised that our nature must both now in itself be purged from the stain of vice, and at the last day be restored from the plague of death. And as the Lord rose on the eighth day, i.e. the day after the seventh, (which is the Sabbath,) so we also after six ages of the world and after the seventh, which is the rest of souls, and is now carrying on in another life, shall rise as on the eighth day. CYRIL; But according to the command of the law, on the same day He received the imposition of a name, as it follows, His name was called Jesus which is interpreted Savior. For He was brought forth for the salvation of the whole world, which by His circumcision He prefigured, as the Apostle says to the Colossians, “you are circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, in the stripping off of the body of the flesh, to wit, the circumcision of Christ.”BEDE; That upon the day of His circumcision He also received the imposition of the name was likewise done in imitation of the old observances. For Abraham, who received the first sacrament of circumcision, was on the day of his circumcision thought worthy to be. blessed by the increase of his name. ORIGEN; But the name of Jesus, a glorious name and worthy of all honor, a name which is above every other, ought not first to be uttered by men, nor by them be brought into the world. Therefore significantly the Evangelist adds, which was called of the Angel, &c. BEDE; Of this name the elect also in their spiritual circumcision rejoice to be partakers, that as from Christ they are called Christians, so also from the Savior they may be called saved, which title was given them of God not only before they were conceived through faith in the womb of the Church, but even before the world began.

22. And when the days of her purification according to the law of Moses were accomplished, they brought him to Jerusalem, to present him to the Lord;

23. (As it is written in the law of the Lord, Every male that opens the womb shall be called holy to the Lord;)

24. And to offer a sacrifice according to that which is said in the law of the Lord, A pair of turtledoves, or two young pigeons.

CYRIL; Next after the circumcision they wait for the time of purification, as it is said, And when the days of her purification according to the law of Moses were come. BEDE; If you diligently examine the words of the law, you will find indeed that the mother of God as she is free from all connection with man, so is she exempt from any obligation of the law. For not every woman who brings forth, but she who has received seed and brought forth, is pronounced unclean, and by the ordinances of the law is taught that she must be cleansed, in order to distinguish probably from her who though a virgin has conceived and brought forth. But that we might be loosed from the bonds of the law, as did Christ, so also Mary submitted herself of her own will to the law. TITUS BOST. Therefore the Evangelist has well observed, that the days of her purification were come according to the law, who since she had conceived of the Holy Spirit, was free from all uncleanness. It follows, They brought him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord. ATHAN. But when was the Lord hid from His Father’s eye, that He should not be seen by Him, or what place is excepted from His dominion, that by remaining there He should be separate from His Father unless brought to Jerusalem and introduced into the temple? But for us perhaps these things were written. For as not to confer grace on Himself was He made man and circumcised in the flesh, but to make us Gods through grace, and that we might be circumcised in the Spirit, so for our sakes is He presented to the Lord, that we also might learn to present ourselves to the Lord. BEDE; On the thirty-third day after His circumcision He is presented to the Lord, signifying in a mystery that no one but he who is circumcised from his sins is worthy to come into the Lord’s sight, that no one who ho has not severed himself from all human ties can perfectly enter into the joys of the heavenly city. It follows, As it is written in the law of the Lord.

ORIGEN; Where are they who deny that Christ proclaimed in the Gospel the law to be of God, or can it be supposed that the righteous God made His own Son under a hostile law which He Himself had not given? It is written in the law of Moses as follows, Every male which opens the womb shall be called holy to the Lord. BEDE; By the words, opening the womb, he signifies the first-born both of man and beast, and each one of which was, according to the commandment, to be called holy to the Lord, and therefore to become the property of the priest, that is, so far that he was to receive a price for every first-born of man, and oblige every unclean animal to be ransomed. GREG. NYSS. Now this commandment of the law seems to have had its fulfillment in the incarnate God, in a very remarkable and peculiar manner. For He alone, ineffably conceived and incomprehensibly brought forth, opened the virgin’s womb, till then unopened by marriage, and after this birth miraculously retaining the seal of chastity. AMBROSE; For no union with man disclosed the secrets of the virgin’s womb, but the Holy Spirit infused the immaculate seed into an inviolate womb. He then who sanctified another womb in order that a prophet should be born, He it is who has opened the womb of His own mother, that the Immaculate should come forth. By the words opening the womb, he speaks of birth after the usual manner, not that the sacred abode of the virgin’s womb, which our Lord in entering sanctified, should now be thought by His proceeding forth from it to be deprived of its virginity. GREG. NYSS. But the offspring of this birth is alone seen to be spiritually male, as contracting no guilt from being born of a woman. Hence He is truly called holy, and therefore Gabriel, as if announcing that this commandment belonged to Him only, said, That Holy thing which shall be born of you shall be called, the Son of God. Now of other first-borns the wisdom of the Gospel has declared that they are called holy from their being offered to God. But the first-born of every creature, That holy thing which is born, &c. the Angel pronounces to be in the nature of its very being holy. AMBROSE; For among those that are born of a woman, the Lord Jesus alone is in every thing holy, who in the newness of His immaculate birth experienced not the contagion of earthly defilement, but by His Heavenly Majesty dispelled it. For if we follow the letter, how can every male be holy, since it is undoubted that many have been most wicked? But He is holy whom in the figure of a future mystery the pious ordinances of the divine law prefigured, because He alone was to open the hidden womb of the holy virgin Church for the begetting of nations. CYRIL; Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! He offers victims, Who in each victim is honored equally with the Father. The Truth preserves the figures of the law. He who as God is the Maker of the law, as man has kept the law. Hence it follows, And that they should give a victim as it was ordered in the law of the Lord, a pair of turtle doves or two young pigeons. BEDE; Now this was the victim of the poor. For the Lord commanded in the law that they who were should offer a lamb for a son or a daughter as well as a turtle dove or pigeon; but they who were not able to offer a lamb should give two turtle doves or two young pigeons. Therefore the Lord, though he was rich, deigned to become poor, that by his poverty He might make us partakers of His riches.

CYRIL; But let us see what these offerings mean. The turtle dove is the most vocal of birds, and the pigeon the gentlest. And such was the Savior made unto us; He was endowed with perfect meekness, and like the turtle dove entranced the world, filling His garden with His own melodies. There was killed then either a turtle dove or a pigeon, that by a figure He might be shown forth to us as about to suffer in the flesh for the life of the world. BEDE; Or the pigeon denotes simplicity, the turtle dove chastity, for the pigeon is a lover of simplicity, and the turtle dove of chastity, so that if by chance she has lost her mate, she heeds not to find another. Rightly then are the pigeon and turtle dove offered as victims to the Lord, because the simple and chaste conversation of the faithful is a sacrifice of righteousness well pleasing to Him. ATHAN. He ordered two things to be offered, because as man consists of both body and soul, the Lord requires a double return from us, chastity and meekness, not only of the body, but also of the soul. Otherwise, man will be a dissembler and hypocrite, wearing the face of innocence to mask his hidden malice. BEDE; But while each bird, from its habit of wailing, represents the present sorrows of the saints, in this they differ, that the turtle is solitary, but the pigeon flies about in flocks, and hence the one points to the secret tears of confession, the other to the public assembling of the Church. BEDE; Or the pigeon which flies in flocks sets forth the busy intercourse of active life. The turtle, which delights in solitariness, tells of the lofty heights of the contemplative life. But because each victim is equally accepted by the Creator, St. Luke has purposely omitted whether the turtles or young pigeons were offered for the Lord, that he might not prefer one mode of life before another, but teach that both ought to be followed.

#gospel of luke

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lyndsaybones · 8 years ago

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In Dreams 12

Chapter 1...Chapter 2…Chapter 3…Chapter 4…Chapter 5 …Chapter 6…Chapter 7…Chapter 8 …Chapter 9...Chapter10... Chapter 11

GEORGETOWN

WASHINGTON, DC

She’s found that there are few things as cleansing as a scalding shower. After her abduction, the hospital smell clung to her skin like soap scum and she sat crumpled in the corner of her shower for the better part of an hour, scrubbing until her skin was red and oversensitive. If she couldn’t shed her skin, she’d take it off herself. She exited smelling of freesia and feeling a little less like a stranger in her own body. When Donnie Pfaster got his hands on her, she tossed her clothes in the building’s incinerator upon arriving home and stayed in the shower until the answering machine recorded Mulder’s impassioned pleas for a call back.

Baptism, as she was taught, was the act of washing away Original Sin. Babies, perfect little beings, born with a sin that wasn’t of their own doing, seems just this side of ludicrous to her. While she still struggles to accept the notion that an infant has sin on its soul, she does believe other people’s sin can stick like a bacteria, infecting and infesting. The act of sacramental baptism is a nice ritual, even if a hollow one. But her particular form of baptism, washing away the misdeeds of the evil men around her, is absolutely essential.

She’s not sure how long she’s been under the pelting heat, time gets as slippery as a bar of soap when trauma is involved. Mulder hasn’t come looking for her, blessedly. She swallows thickly, pushing down the acid crawling up the back of her throat. Back down the waterspout you go, she thinks to herself. She is sitting, arms resting atop her knees, leaning up against the white tiles of her shower stall. The heat licks like a flame across her chest, turning her skin pink. When she does decide to stand, dizziness threatens to pull her right back down again. She swallows hard and squeezes her eyes shut, clinging to the faucet knobs until the feeling passes. She opens her eyes and sees the floor dappled with pink dots...red dots. She reaches for her nose, but her hand comes away with nothing but water. She looks down and sees the trickle of scarlet running a path down the inside of her thigh. Her heart begins to pound, but she keeps her breathing even as she shuts off the water and opens the shower door. She manages to get dressed and put in a call to her doctor’s office. She doesn’t even realize Mulder isn’t there until she turns to tell him what’s happening.

“Mu-” she stops short, turning a quick circle in the living room. “Mulder?” she calls and is met with silence. She snatches up her cell phone and keys and heads for the door.

“What are these?” he asks, shaking the opaque pill bottle. Oblong white pills rattle about. They look like Tylenol.

“I’ll be honest, Fox, I don’t know what they are. But I know that they’ve been used for people in your position,” Diana says softly.

The inside of her sedan, what he assumes is her sedan, smells vaguely of stale cigarettes.

“They’ll give me back my memories?” he asks.

“I hope so,” she says.

He purses his lips and scrutinizes the contents.

“I asked you before, what’s in it for you?”

“Leaving was a mistake, one that I’m trying to correct,” she says.

The morning sun casts long shadows on the street ahead of them and catches a flash of foxfire moving out of Dana’s building. She is hustling down the stairs, fumbling with her keys as she goes. He starts pawing frantically for the handle, stuffing the pill bottle in his pocket as the door swings open and he steps out.

“Dana!” he calls as she is busy unlocking her car door.

She looks at him, shielding her eyes against the sun with her hand. She looks at him and then at Diana and drops her hand. He sees her utter a silent “oh” and a quick nod. She swings the door open and ducks into the car. The door slams shut and the engine is started before he can even get ten steps closer to her.

“Dana! Wait!” he yells as she pulls away.

WOMEN’S HEALTH SPECIALISTS ALEXANDRIA, VA

She’s starting to feel like she should just pack along her own exam gown these days. The options lately have either been ones with too much fabric that have her drowning in thin cotton, falling off of her shoulders, or so worn out that the ties in back are missing and there’s little to no hope of keeping her ass covered. The pink one she has on now falls into both categories, somehow, so she is sitting on the excess fabric, putting a millimeter of distance between her rear and the tissue paper on the exam table.

Her doctor is on vacation, which is frustrating, and the doctor on call is running late, it seems. The room is chilly and she shivers as an involuntary shudder races down her spine. There is a gentle knock and the door opens. The doctor looks like he ought to be on the cover of an AARP magazine, with a head full of silver hair and face so lined with wrinkles that it looks like used tissue paper, he’s got to be at least 80 years old.

“Dana?” he asks kindly.

“Yes,” she answers.

“I’m Dr. Kurtzweil. I understand you’re having some spotting?” he asks as he washes his hands.

“Yes, for about an hour now.”

“Okay, well let’s see what’s what, huh?” he asks, motioning for her tie lie down.

She stares up at the ceiling, which has an inspirational poster tacked onto it, something about perseverance or persistence or some such, while she waits for him to find the heartbeat with the doppler monitor. The silence makes her heart thud.

Please, please, please, please, please…

The sound echoes off of the walls, a steady, almost mechanical rhythm. She didn’t even realize she’d been holding her breath.

“That’s a good sign!” he says with a chuckle. “Let’s do an ultrasound and take a peek.”

She swipes a tear away from her cheek and nods.

She doesn’t answer. He’s tried four times now, forcing himself to wait fifteen minutes between attempts. But she doesn’t answer. He imagines her, as she was last night, mindlessly wandering off to her own funeral. But he reminds himself that she saw him when she left, really saw him. Not looking through him like he was on a different axial plane. And he saw her too, saw the one thing she projected as her eyes flicked between him and Diana: hurt. He’d hurt her.

He drums his good hand on his thigh and bobs his good knee as he stares at the digital clock on her VCR. The pill bottle vibrates in his pocket and sounds as menacing as a rattle snake. He wonders if the contents are as pernicious as the last bottle of pills he’d been exposed to.

He startles when the key slips into the lock and the tumblers trip one by one. He stands and whirls around as the door swings open.

“Thank god,” he says as he crosses the room. He wraps his arms around her without a thought and pulls her close to his chest. She is as stiff as a two by four in his embrace, which scares him nearly as much as last night’s episode.

“Where did you go?” he asks as he pulls back, hand still clasping her shoulder.

“I need to lie down,” she says as she shucks his hand away and moves around him.

“Dana, slow down. Talk to me,” he says, ka-thunking behind her down the hall.

“I started bleeding,” she says as she pulls the elastic band from her hair, letting it fall loose and curly around her face.

“Bleeding? You mean?” he can’t really say it out loud.

“I went to my doctor’s office. I would have had you come, but you were...busy,” she says as she toes out of her plain white canvas tennis shoes.

“What did she say?” he asks, pulse rushing in his ears.

“He,” she corrects. “My doctor is on vacation so I had to see the physician on call.”

“I don’t care if was the Energizer bunny, as long as he’s got an MD. What did he say?”

She’s yet to look him in the eye, going about her business as she slips out of her jacket, fluffs a pillow, turns down the bed.

“I have a condition called low lying placenta. Last night’s...exertion, caused the bleeding, but it’s not serious and the baby is fine. I just need to take it easy.”

His shoulders sag and he lets out a long breath.

“The baby’s okay?” he repeats.

She finally looks up, eyes tired and red.

“Yes,” she says softly.

A moment passes between them, reassuring looks and quick nods.

“I remembered something,” he says. “We were sitting on your bathroom floor, you were sick.”

She crinkles her brow and eyes him suspiciously. “That’s been every day this week,” she says matter of factly.

“It wasn’t this week. It was different.”

She sits down on the bed, still watching him.

“How do you know it was a memory?” she asks.

“I wrapped my arm around you and I asked you not to give up. Do you remember?”

Her mouth falls open by a tiny fraction and the look on her face says that yes, she does remember.

“I had given up. I thought I was going to die.”

He sits down next to her, hip to hip. “I knew then, that I couldn’t live without you…” he trails off, thinking carefully about his words. She looks like a doe caught out in the open and just as apt to lope away if spooked. “That’s when I knew that loved you.”

He can see her searching his face, looking around for a man she knows, who knows her. He wants to be that man again.

CASEY’S BAR WASHINGTON DC

“Well, what have you to report?” he asks as he stubs out his cigarette in the heavy glass ashtray. The mahogany bar is long and beautifully kept for a quiet corner watering hole. It’s the kind of place the older crowd comes for a drink without the unseemly behavior of undergrads and townies.

Kurtzweil’s mouth draws in a tight, angry line, his thick eyebrows twitching nervously.

“Healthy fetus, 13 weeks gestation,” he says, staring at the amber liquid in his glass.

“And the samples?”

“Look, if you want a genetic profile, or stem cells or whatever, your best bet is cord blood.”

“You were told to collect genetic samples.”

“And I’m telling you that it is risky. And she knows that. Shook up as she was, there was no way she was going to consent to an amnio.”

Cancer man looks at him like he is completely insignificant. He seems to register that perhaps he is.

“I didn’t say anything about consent. I told you what I want. You know what will happen if you don’t.”

“You have your own people for this kind of thing. Why on earth are you doing this to me?”

“You’ve been allowed to toil too long, Alvin. Your books, your clumsy attempts to connect with Fox Mulder, you needed to be reminded of who it is you’re testing.”

The old man’s mouth bobs and his craggy face writes a story of utter indignation.

“You always were a son a bitch, Spender,” Kurtzweil says as he digs his wallet out of pocket and slaps a twenty on the bar.

“I’ve never claimed otherwise,” Cancer man says as he lights another cigarette.

The old man waves an angry hand and plods to the door, bruskly passing the leggy brunette making her way to the bar.

“Ah, Diana. Just in time. Can I get you a drink?”

His smile, seemingly a genuine one, is not returned as she sits down.

“Did he take them?” he asks.

“Yes, but he’s very suspicious,” she says.

“Perhaps he’s more like his old self than we thought.”

GEORGETOWN WASHINGTON, DC

He sits on the edge of the bed and she, tucked under the covers, curled up on her left side, looks so small.

“What do you think they could be?” he asks as he holds up the bottle.

“I don’t know. But I think we should definitely have them analyzed,” she says.

“I’m sorry,” he says with a quick shake of his head. “You’re tired, you should rest.”

He begins to rise, ready to go make a call to the Gunmen and start trying to unravel whatever knot they’re in the center of.

“Stay awhile,” she says quietly. “Please?”

He nods and walks around the end of the bed. She reaches back and lifts the blankets behind her, a silent gesture for him to join her. He slips out of his shoe and crawls between the sheets, settling his weight behind her, bending his elbow gently over her middle and tucking his casted arm under the pillow beneath his head.

“I could’ve died last night,” she whispers.

“I won’t let that happen,” he says into her hair.

“I didn’t have any control. There’s nothing that scares me more than that,” she says, tears cracking in her voice.

“I know,” he says softly, pressing a gentle kiss on the spot behind her ear. “I remember.”

#my writing #in dreams #msr #xf fanfic

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dorightwoman-blog · 8 years ago

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Tаrоt Cards - Right Or Wrong?

"What are those?" My grandmother pointed to my set of cards.

I looked at her, excited to tell her. "Tarot cards."

Her eyes widened and she glared at my mother and father. "Who let her have the Devil's playthings?"

My mother and father looked at each other. "I bought them for her." My father spoke.

"And you claim to be a religious man?"

"I don't see anything wrong with her satisfying her curiosity."

"It's a sin! You can lay no claim to this being a religious house if you allow instruments of the Devil within it!" My grandmother suddenly lost her temper.

"But Grandma, they're fun and pretty." I argued.

"Get rid of them." She seethed.

I was once told by my parish priest that the occult was a dark art. Sure, some of it can be, however, the tаrоt can be used for divination or entertainment. I came from a devoutly Catholic family. Every Sunday, my parents and I attended mass, prayed and went to breakfast afterward. There were prayers before every meal, bible study after school and restricted television watching on the weekends. For my family, Jesus was always someone we were trying to impress.

I took an interest in the tаrоt when I was fourteen. I saw a fortune teller using a deck when I was at a carnival with some friends the summer before. I was attracted to the designs on them and the way the fortune teller laid them on the table in what I would later learn was called a spread.

I asked my father about the cards a few months later to see if he had any information about them, and he offered to buy me a deck. I didn't understand how a deck of cards could cause so much turmoil in a family. Because it seemed to be a religious issue, the only person I could think to ask was my parish priest.

"The tirada de tarot amor solteros is a part of the occult, which is demonic. Why, being a good, Catholic girl, would you want to play with something as dangerous as this? Why are you letting Satan tempt you?" Father Burns told me.

Okay, so the tаrоt is part of the occult, and the occult is demonic, but how can Satan tempt me if I just look at them? I had no idea how to read them. I decided to educate myself.

The tаrоt originated in Italy in the 14th century. It was used by the Jews for purposes of divination, or telling the future. The deck consists of 22 major arcana cards, cards that resemble the king, queen and jack of a deck of playing cards, which represent life, and 56 minor arcana cards, cards that resemble the numbered cards in a playing card deck, which correspond to the major arcana in some way. Each card has its own meaning.

The deck my father bought for me was the Medieval Scapini Tarot, created by Luigi Scapini. The Scapini Tаrоt recreates the images of Middle Age Europe through costume, symbolism and setting. Many images on the cards were inspired by Italian Renaissance masterpieces. The cards are complete with gold backgrounds and symbolism that the reader has to interpret that ties this particular deck with the esoteric tradition of the tarot. Because each tаrоt deck is different, the Scapini deck includes the suits of swords, cups, wands and coins. These suits correspond to the traditional tаrоt suits of swords, cups, wands and pentacles. Playing cards can also be used as tаrоt cards. The suits of the tаrоt correspond to the four suits of a deck of playing cards: spades, hearts, clubs and diamonds.

Occultism has been a part of American culture since the mid-nineteenth century. In 1871, there were an estimated eight to 11 million psychics and occult followers. By 1979, according to Time magazine, and estimated 40,000 "witches" were active in the United States. Today, that figure has quadrupled. Over 300 educational institutions, including universities, offer programs and even degrees on New Age topics. Of these institutions, about 100 in America alone offer courses in witchcraft. According to The Stateman's Yearbook 2007, In 2000, Illinois had a total population of 12,419,293. Of those, 6,457,000 were Christians and 270,000 were Jewish. The other 5,692,293 were unknown. Those unknowns might be Occultists.

The reason for the high number of occultists in America is the abandonment of orthodox Christianity. It is a fact that wherever Christianity is biblically practiced, occultism is rejected.

People leave the Christian religion for many reasons, some of which include interests in other religions and wrong-doings by the church. However, most leave the religion hesitantly. For example, a man named Jason* left the Catholic Church mostly because of his homosexuality. He simply did not agree with the church's teachings on not only homosexuality, but women's ordination and papal infallibility. Jason still has a great respect and love for the Catholic Church, but won't go back unless he sees a change in the things that he didn't agree with.

The tаrоt is studied by occultists and Pagans. Paganism has had a tremendous influence on Christianity. For example, the Catholic baptism of infants was derived from a Pagan ritual. Many Pagan rites were incorporated into Catholicism: the use of incense, genuflections and the practices of facing east for prayer. Sadly, most Christians have either denied or forgotten this.

In biblical evaluations of the tarot, it is stated that the cards ignore man's sin, it contains a "secret doctrine" that only a few are privy to and that the cards are dangerous when used to control one's destiny because of the symbolism. The realization is that Tаrоt cards correctly say that man needs help spiritually. The four suits of the minor arcana have also been identified with the four symbols of the legend of the Holy Grail: lance (Wand), cup (cup), sword (sword), dish (pentacles). The major arcana also has Catholic symbolism. For example, the hanged man, card number 12, picturing a man hanging upside down from a cross by his ankle, signifies the death and resurrection of Jesus.

For me, Tаrоt readings were always steeped in the mysterious; carnival readers in dark tents, with black velvet draped over the table and chairs and small crystals hanging from the ceiling.

That's what I used to think. Now that I realize that carnival Tаrоt readers are probably only out for money, I searched for what a real Tаrоt reader looks and acts like. I didn't find it in any book, so, to find my answer, I visited a "real" Tаrоt reader.

I visited a website to try to get some information on where to get a good reading. The information told me to stay away from calling 900 numbers, such as Psychic Friends and Miss Cleo, because usually numbers like that employ people who have no reading abilities and they do what is called "cold reading". Cold Reading is where a reader names a number of people and ideas the person getting the reading may or may not be familiar with in a hope that the person will offer some valuable information to further the reading. Cold Reading has been compared to fishing; the reader just keeps throwing useless information out there until they get something useful. These numbers are usually scams.

When I arrived, I noticed the place I was at looked like a normal house. When I rang the doorbell, a woman in her 40s, clad in a tee-shirt, jeans and fuzzy bunny slippers, answered the door. "Hi." She greeted me.

"Uh, hi." She probably guessed that I was taken back by her attire.

She invited me in and instructed me to take a seat at the kitchen table (which, by the way, had a St. Patrick's Day tablecloth on it.) While she got me a cup of coffee, which was in a cup that said, "world's greatest mom" on the side, she carried the cards over to the table.

She sat opposite me, taking the cards out of the old sock she kept them in. "Why do you keep them in a sock?" I asked.

"So they can become personalized. It's believed that if you keep your cards in a personal place, you will bond with the cards, giving you a more accurate reading." She smiled. "What's your zodiac sign?"

"Libra." I replied.

She searched through the cards until she came to the Justice card. She set it aside, separate from the rest. "Why don't you include that one?"

"This card represents you." She held up the card she set aside.

"Why does it represent me?"

"Libra stands for law and justice. This card corresponds to that."

I nodded and she told me to shuffle the cards. I did and handed them back to her. She laid them out in what was described as the "celtic cross" spread. The spread had two cards in the center, one on top of the other, making a cross, four cards in a circle around those cards and four cards stacked running up the side of the circle. The cards that are in and make up the circle detail someone's issues, obstacles, and past and near futures. The cards that run up the side detail a person's inner thoughts and feelings and environment, ending with the final outcome prediction to that person's question.

She was correct in predicting some things in my reading, such as my past relationships and general obstacles. However, she didn't get many of the future predictions correct, the predictions that she told me would happen within the next month.

As we were sitting down to dinner, my grandmother asked me if I had gotten rid of the cards yet. My parents looked up from their plates and listened intently, wide-eyed, wondering what I would say.

"No." I said simply.

"Why?" Grandma asked calmly.

"Because Grandma..." and I proceeded to tell her what I had learned about the Tarot. This was something I wanted to pursue, and I didn't like for anyone to be angry with me, especially her. I always wanted my grandmother to be proud of me.

When I was finished explaining, I expected her to scream and holler, but it never came. "Hmm." Was all she said, and that was the end of it.

People either read or go for readings of the Tаrоt because either they're looking for some interesting fun or they're turning away from their religion and looking for different spiritual outlets.

I had talked to several different people that all told me that they read the Tаrоt because it's "fun," "interesting," or "because my family hates it," but only one person said to me, "I read the Tаrоt because I like to know what's going to happen tomorrow. I hate surprises."

This surprised me. "You really believe that you can see the future through the cards?"

"I don't believe it, I know it."

This sent up a red flag for me. This is some insane individual who bases their life off of the Tarot...get away! This is what I instantly thought. However, through my research I've learned that most individuals who read the Tаrоt do it for spiritual purposes and believe what they see in the cards. Because of what is portrayed in the media, I took this person to be absolutely crazy. Through the research I've done, I've learned several things about the Tаrоt and maybe have matured a little while I searched for answers.

"Your grandmother's leaving." My father called to me as I rushed down the stairs to say goodbye to her.

"I'll see you next next month." She said to me as she kissed me on the forehead.

As I turned to walk away, I heard her call after me, "What you said last night at dinner really made sense."

I turned to her and smiled. I just wanted her to understand. That was all I wanted.

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