#orcaless

[simuran]

Sometimes I think my life can be summed up as a line of rooms next door, full of light and laughter and people who don't think about me at all.

[simuran]

When you try not to buy chocolate because there's a person in the house who doesn't approve of your habit of eating the entire bar in one go

And then you feel especially sick and exhausted so you give in, buy some, but instead of eating it all leave some to eat after dinner

And then after dinner you watch it get eaten.

By that very person.

[simuran]

Wow, today I discovered that my much older friend was thinking about suicide for a long time in her thirties. And the thing is, now she's much, much older, and... She has an awesome life. She has a lovely family, a wonderful home, a job she's passionate about, multiple hobbies, she travels, she keeps learning new things. She seems very happy. And sure, it's not perfect, but it is so... idk, reassuring.

It's sort of awesome to have a vision of a possible future.

[simuran]

I'm being unreasonably petty and grumpy about the fact that no one asked me about the details of the exam at dinner :|

[simuran]

BEA IF YOU SEE THIS, THEN NO YOU DON'T 😘💙

I have been working on a crochet project for three months (even more) and now that the friend I've been making it for is coming back to Italy in four days I can't finish it because the store is out of wool of the right colour 😭 I don't even need a lot, I've already made the whole scarf, I need three fucking meters tops to finish the decorations and I CAN'T aaaaaaaa aaaaaaa WHY 😭😭😭

[simuran]

Hoo boy this month the pre-period suicidal ideation is. off the charts

[simuran]

Aaaaand we back again into the "well if I don't pass this exam I can always kill myself ig" territory :/

Twice a year like a clock, not even moving to a country where you don't get expelled for failing changes anything 🙄🙄🙄

[simuran]

Note to self: complaining on Tumblr is DEFINITELY more productive than to a cat 😁😁😁

[simuran]

The plan was "if I keep myself busy the whole evening and go to bed late I will fall asleep quickly and won't think about the fact that today was my uncle's funeral and tomorrow will be my dear friend's wedding and I'm missing both".

The plan did not work, AND now I will be dead tomorrow morning

[simuran]

I think the decision to go buy and drink some vodka outside of the house was correct because:

1) it got me away from my poor hosts who just had a wonderful evening that I would hate to spoil. They're so hard working!!! They need to rest more

B) ot got me away from the knives.

That's a win/win right there, go me

[simuran]

I think my family might be cursed actually. Like at this point? All bets are off as to who gets to see the next year

I mean my grandma has just lost her husband and her son in the span of less than two months. That's a harsh blow.

My brother can't even get to the funeral because he can't risk getting caught by the army drafters at the train station. So maybe he'll just get caught eventually and either killed on the frontlines or beaten to death for refusing to fight.

Same goes for my father

V has struggled with eating disorders for so long, so I guess she'll just give up on that

My step father's health is not great. He has had a heart operation this year. He might just stop breathing one of these nights

My mom has been working like crazy for the past years, her heart will give up eventually

And I will either kill myself out of sheer patheticness of not being able to handle the most cushioned and helped-with emigration ever, or just have another freaky accident. whatever.

The point is. The world is a computer simulation and there's a bug there. And we're not seeing the year 2023, lads

[simuran]

Hey Bea, if you see this then no you don't 😘 Skip the post for my sake 😘😘😘

One of the things that both piss me off and feel deeply, crushingly hurtful is when people speak Italian when we're supposed to be hanging out all together. Like. There's no rush to find the right words, and I know you speak English well, and this is supposed to be a group bonding experience. Why are you purposefully excluding me.

And you know what? If they don't want me to be a part of the conversation, it's fine! sure it hurts, it hurts a lot, but it's their right not to like me. But to do this and then claim that I don't put enough effort into participating in their conversations, that I'm too shy?! shy?!!! Yeah I'm shy because you left me no other choice you assholes

It's just... I don't mean to be an ungrateful bitch, I swear I don't! But why invite me at all if then you act like you don't want me there.

[simuran]

Hey Bea, if you're seeing this post, then no you don't 😘 skip ahead pls, so that I can vent in peace and find words for my feelings without needing to actually talk about them 💙

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And another thing that annoys me is that I've been really struggling with understanding how volatile my feelings are these last months?

One second I go "why the fuck do I feel so miserable when I'm literally living the dream life", and another "what is wrong with me that I am capable of feeling this happy when [long, long list ranging from the war to the future destruction of my home (long story) to the death of my grandparents]". One moment it's "I hate that you seem so happy and whole, I want you broken just as I am", and another it's "I would name my child after you were it not offensive by Italian standarts"

Like come on, brain. Keep it together. Wtf is wrong with you. We have so much stuff to learn, so much work ahead of us, why is this the time you decide to throw the concept of emotional balance into the trash can.

It's just. very tiring, and unhelpful, and a little bit scary.

[simuran]

Hey Bea, if you're seeing this post then no you don't 😘 skip ahead pls

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I'm very tired of feeling lonely while surrounded by so many people, and I can't even understand if this feeling is warranted or if my brain is playing tricks on me again.

Like. I understand that you need to cultivate friendships, that it takes time and effort, and I'm ready to do it! But somehow I just never feel like I'm doing or saying the right thing. It feels like everything I do is out of tune, endlessly awkward. I thought I left these feelings in my teenage years, but here they are again for some reason

I just want to cuddle with someone for a couple of hours while we're both busy with our own stuff in a comfortable silence :((( I miss my Russian friends so very much, and I miss my family too

[simuran]

A couple of months ago while I was hiding some long-lived snacks in my room I thought to myself "Good gods, I'm being so childish and immature. If someone finds this it will be SO embarassing to explain. I need to get rid of this habit"

WELL GUESS WHICH PART OF MYSELF WAS PROVED RIGHT TODAY

Finally finding some peace in my room and enjoying some cookies while the lovely-but-headache-inducing guests eat their disgusting risotto, I have never loved my past self more.

Thank you, past!Simuran, for giving me this opportunity to escape an unfortunate social situation without starving 😌

[simuran]

Somehow having a look at my future timetable brought home the fact that in two weeks I might have my first lecture in Italian

You know, the language that despite my best efforts I barely know good enough to understand a mundane conversation (if the speakers talk slowly)