#orbital unengagement

[conundrumcomics]

"Circumgyration Truancy"

[blackboxfaxes]

Trial

This is a narrative of an actual game that I played as part of my ongoing New Exford campaign

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“Cyclops pilot! I challenge you! Let no one interfere in this matter!” Came a transmission over the clear.

“Spunky little fella, don’t you think?” Azisu Misakari asked her lance as the Jade Falcon Grendel leapt towards her. The Falcons had chosen a sharp sided canyon with a road through it as their Circle of Equals. Their intent was clear - while the Clanners had bid down to a pair of mechs, both of them were fast jump-jet equipped mediums, and the sudden elevation changes would give the Falcons an advantage against Azusu’s mechs, of which only Rebecca’s Catapult had jump jets. But still, the Grendel only massed half as much as Azisu’s Cyclops.

Maybe he hasn’t spotted the extra armor, she thought, grateful she’d passed her machine through the mechtech’s hands at the beginning of the campaign. As poorly armored as it had been, the Cyclops would’ve been easy prey for the Grendel had it been unmodified. 

“Lightning one, lightning two, this is Kabuto Actual,” Azisu said, the radio carrying her words to the Aerospace fighters orbiting just outside easy radar range. “Clanners look to be playing nice. Stay offsite unless I give the word. We’re fighting by their code today.” She flicked her radio to the open channel in time to hear the Jade Falcons’ Shadow Cat challenge her Grand Dragon pilot.  “You can take him, Janelle, you’ve got fifteen tons on him. Use it. Rebecca, Jacinda,” she ordered to her two unengaged pilots, as the clanners’ locations on the screen degraded into the static of ECM Suites. “ECCM mode, keep them easy targets for us, but hold fire unless they break zell. Janelle, weapons free, engage at will.”

Then pulse laser fire slagged off some of Azisu’s armor and she was too busy to focus on the wider war. The Grendel was staying in the air as much as possible, jumping from one copse of trees to another. Azisu was moving down the hills as well, lagging behind her other mechs. 

Janelle was already firing back at the Falcons’ Shadow Cat, though it was moving fast enough her PPC went wide. The Grendel jumped again, and another sequence of laser pulses ate into Azisu’s armor. Testing the range, she sighted on the grendel and squeezed a gauss shot downrange, but she misjudged how far it would jump between her pulling the trigger and the capacitors charging enough to fire. Her Gauss shot slammed through a patch of trees, turning one into splinters. 

Azisu forced herself to breathe slowly, calming her heartbeats, as she moved into wooded cover. She wouldn’t hit anything running and gunning, moving would only give the Grendel an advantage. Instead she dug her Cyclops’ feet into the snow. Rebecca was on the Grendel’s tail, keeping a massive array of missile launchers pointed at it in case Azisu released her to fire. In the distance, a PPC bolt streaked into the sky. Another missed shot from Janelle, then. 

Jump. Fire. Jump. Fire. The Grendel pilot had found his rhythm, and he was closing in, aiming for the point where his secondary ER lasers would be most effective. Azisu sent another gauss slug his way, mostly to remind him that she was still in the game, and followed it up with her Cyclops’ trio of lasers. He was getting closer, he’d opened the armor on her right arm, and she was watching his timing…

He jumped again. 

Azisu moved her crosshair to the point her intuition told him he would land on and pulled the trigger. Her gauss capacitors surged, drawing power from her mech’s reactor, and the Grendel slammed into the ground, knees contracting to absorb the impact of forty five tons of mech hitting the ground. In the briefest possible instant, Azisu adjusted her aim, bringing her gauss rifle a fraction of a degree to the right.

The gauss rifle fired.

The Grendel never recovered from its crouch, and Azisu gasped out loud as it tumbled to the ground. Whether by skill, instinct, or pure dumb luck, her gauss rifle had shredded the Grendel’s entire cockpit, scattering it across half a kilometer of canyon. Somewhere in the cone of shrapnel emitted from that cockpit, Azisu knew, was a fine red spray that had once been the pilot.

Azisu’s heart thumped in her chest, and she allowed herself a moment of relaxation before pulling up Jacinda’s gun camera. Her Crab was hugging the duel between Janelle’s Grand Dragon and the Shadow Cat, and Azisu’s combat computer quickly threw up a wireframe of Janelle’s Grand Dragon. C3 slave destroyed, a hole in the engine shielding, armor breached in at least two body parts, rear armor almost entirely gone. As she watched, Janelle’s lasers severed the Shadow Cat’s arm, three of its lasers falling to the ground, but it still had its primary pulse laser. Inferno missiles from Janelle’s mech slammed into the Shadow Cat, already running hot from so much jumping and firing, and in the infrared camera on Jacinda’s Crab Azisu saw the Shadow Cat spike white hot, but Janelle’s Grand Dragon was shredded. A shot almost anywhere would kill the mech, and Azisu needed Janelle’s mech active…

“Shadow Cat pilot!” Azisu’s voice cut through the radio in the clear. “Your starmate is dead. Half your mech’s firepower is gone. To succeed in this trial is now beyond your abilities. But honor is satisfied. Cease fire now, and we will allow you to retire without interference.”

There was a beat, a silence across the canyon, and then, as Azisu watched, the Shadow Cat’s remaining arm pointed into the air. Slowly, the mech began backing down the highway, away from the battlefield.

They’d won.

Azisu keyed her radio.

“Lightning one, lightning two, this is Kabuto Actual. Show is over, return to base. But get on the horn and tell base to get a Tonbo in here. I want this Grendel home ASAP. And, Kabuto Lance? We just out-trialed the Jade Falcon Clan. Drinks are on me tonight.”

[santoshsharmaa]

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[msmovingforward]

Proud Mama

We open with triumphant Mormon choir music to establishing shots, informing us we are back in Salt Lake City. I’m shocked and betrayed that we didn’t get anymore footage of Kimberly the Hypnotist, but c’est la vie; it’s not as if we had an extra-long episode this week. Whitney is meditating in her home. Lisa is at her office at Vida Tequila (LOVE THAT!). We see several flashbacks to Jen screaming at Whitney to shut the fuck up, and Kimberly the Hypnotist asking Lisa to take a good hard look at her friendship with Jen. Heather thinks back to Jen raising her hand when asked if anyone doesn’t trust Heather. We head back to see Belle from Beauty and the Beast still trapped in a high castle by her misunderstood captor, or I mean Mary the grandfather fucker in her 8,000 square foot home, thinking about how she warned everyone Jen would ruin this trip! SHE BLINKED SO MANY TIMES! CAN SOMEONE HELP HER?! BLINK IF YOU NEED HELP, MARY! BLINK IF YOU NEED HELP! Needless to say, this was a trip from HELL! These women may have left Vegas and checked out of the Hotel Nomad, but what happened there certainly didn’t stay there.

More choir music, and we’re at Heather’s new Beauty Lab and Laser location, complete with 15-minute Botox parking spots. So if you’re just at this strip mall to get a Diet Coke from a 7-11 on the GOOD side of the tracks, you better find parking elsewhere! Between seeing Lisa’s office and Heather’s new Beauty Lab location, we’ve now officially doubled the number of filming locations for this show! The new location looks like the set of a reboot for Xanadu. Everything is pink and white. Pink angel wings adorn the wall, symbolizing Heather’s ascent into independence from her ex husband. Heather tells us in a confessional this has to look great. She can’t just light a candle and say it’s done! I mean Sheree did this for her housewarming on Atlanta, but this is Salt Lake City, the land of integrity!

Heather addresses her team, saying that she’s had a rough weekend in Vegas, so if she’s short with people that’s why. Such great management skills! Remind your entire team that while they were probably working to make your vision a reality, you were away on a girls’ trip, filming a TV show less than a week before your grand opening! An employee tells Heather something about her stanchions, a word Heather had never heard before. Whitney shows up and remarks how pretty the stanchion ropes are. Thank God Whitney could remember her lines this week!

Heather and Whitney discuss the fact that neither of them have spoken to Jen since the trip, and Whitney informs us in her testimonial that she would uninvite Jen to the grand opening if it were her. “Is Heather addicted to toxicity?” She asks. Well, let’s see! Beyond the fact that Heather and Whitney are both ex Mormons who are on a reality show about women yelling at each other, Heather is literally opening a second location for a business that shoots toxins into middle-aged women’s foreheads and eye sockets, so they can’t express emotions or look old. Heather’s livelihood LITERALLY depends on the availability of toxicity.

In the next scene, we see Lisa touching a fabulously green handbag and heading into a bar called Lake Effect. Before we cut to commercial, it is revealed that she is there to meet up with none other than Jen Shah herself! Now I’m excited. It seems like Lisa is living up to her Lisa Housewife ancestors (Vanderpump, Rinna, Et Al.) and has sensed that Jen is weak and malleable. You need a friend, don’t you, Jen, darling? Lisa informs us that when leaving Vegas she saw Jen in tears on the elevator, and the human in her just had to ask what the real story was. She informs Jen that she’s just like her. She wants to be loyal to her friendships and her word. Hmm.. interesting because I’m pretty sure Jen was literally JUST spreading rumors about your other best friend’s marriage. Even I’m a little bit confused, falling for this classic manipulative trap. My heart really does break a little bit for Jen, who I think is truly losing her mind. I’m brought back to reality, though, when Lisa tells Jen that she can’t threaten to drown Whitney in her pond after Jen says she feels like her words are constantly taken out of context. Jen tells Lisa that she only talks like that because she felt like she constantly had to be ready to fight growing up in Salt Lake City, which is predominantly White.

We head to Meredith’s house where we are treated to a vomit-inducing scene of Meredith slicing half a banana for Seth. Seth informs her that he likes quarters instead of halves. Meredith fills Seth in on the happenings in Vegas, which Seth refers to as “Toxic city cicity.” Meredith can’t handle all the volatility in this group of friends. She repeatedly disengaged in Vegas, and obviously Vegas is really a city where you want to dis-disengage. You want to be so engaged in Vegas, and it’s unengaging when you have to disengage. It’s like the Blackjack dealer asks, “Do you want to hit or stay?” and Meredith just has to disengage. Meredith tells us that her marriage has been just so wonderful lately, and it’s all positivity. She throws shade at Jen in her confessional, saying that some of the other women are probably just jealous of how successful her marriage is, which is why they need to spread rumors about it. Right, Meredith, we’re all super jealous of the fact that your husband can sleep with his eyes open at dinner and simultaneously accuse you of cheating because you won’t let him go through your phone.

Whitney informs us that her father is 90 days sober, so she’s going to let him near her head with scissors in a room full of aspiring Mormon hairdressers. He does absolutely nothing to Whitney’s hair and makes several dad jokes, and the audience is led to believe that his audition for this hairdressing school went well. My heart breaks for a second time this episode when Whitney says, “I feel like a proud Momma,” even though she’s the daughter in this relationship.

Meredith visits Heather at Beauty Lab. Meredith informs Heather that she’s sure Jen does have shit she’s dealing with, but she’s angry because Jen has hurt her family and marriage with her lies. Heather says that she needs to be strong and not “put up and shut up” like she did for years in her marriage. If her daughters were in a friendship like this, she would advise them to stay away.

Lisa, her husband, and her kids, Jack and Henry, are at a meeting with Sydney, who is either high up at Vida Tequila or low on the totem pole and was able to be convinced to be on TV. Either way, she has to sit through fifteen year old Henry’s Fresh Wolf business proposal. Lisa continuously reminds her kids, who are almost as disengaged as Meredith, that they can have anything, including Land Rover Defenders and McClarens, if they “What?” “Work for it!” Lisa says that Henry will be the first 9 year old with a McClaren (”I love that! I love it.”) I remember visiting my mom at work and being given the money to start companies and buy luxury cars in front of assistants who probably make $15 an hour. Pretty standard reward for getting a B+ on a report card. Jack starts his business proposal. “Yeah so Fresh Wolf is a company.” Henry interrupts from the white board on which he is writing Fresh Wolf over and over again. “I came up with the name! How smart are these straws!?” Henry has a brain fart and has to start over after Lisa reminds him that it’s always important to hold up a picture of the product when you’re pitching it, especially if you’re wearing your best backwards hat and bright yellow-green hoodie. I love that. That I love. I love it. Touch the picture, Jack. Jack’s full proposal is as follows: “The ingredient you need most, Dad, is turmeric because it restores hair or stimulates hair growth or something.. so uh yeah that's Fresh Wolf.” Sidney pretends to be truly impressed. John says, “Wow,” and Lisa informs us via confessional that Fresh Wolf has really given them the opportunity to reconnect as a family  Even though Lisa has just chugged a liter of Diet Coke from the 7-11 next to Beauty Lab, she’s starving, so they all head to Taco Bell, then Burger King, then Checkers for lunch. Everyone that is, except Henry, whom they forget. It’s ok. He’ll get there if he works hard.

We head to Mary’s church, where we are shown an actual photo of Jesus with Mary’s grandmother/husband’s late wife. Mary is dressed in Beyonce at Coachella realness. It’s time for choir practice, which Mary informs us in her testimonial is not going well. They need to practice every day, but they can only practice once a week. It’s hard as a viewer to make a judgment on this though because Mary stops their singing every few seconds to ask how much they love her, criticize someone’s weight gain, (“Do me a favor. Eat healthy. Drink water!”), or tell someone they’re daydreaming. I wonder... if these people weren’t probably working two full-time jobs to afford the second mortgages they took out to be members of Mary’s church, could they have choir practice more often?

Next the audience is again reminded of what a wonderful husband Sharrieff is, as he sets up a table of chocolate-covered strawberries inside a dance studio for date night, which is a salsa dancing lesson. He informs us that Jen has always begged for him to bring her to salsa lessons. I have to say, while I imagine not having your husband around most of the year must be a struggle, it’s not as if Sharrieff doesn’t make the most of his limited time with Jen. This date is extremely thoughtful and romantic. Jen walks in, and she’s clearly very impressed and excited. She sees the trophies, and asks, “Am I going to get a trophy?” Sharrieff replies, “No, honey.” In the same tone I might use to tell a child that Grandma isn’t coming over for dinner anymore. This tiny moment made me realize again just how much people in Jen’s orbit must have to walk on eggshells. Sharrieff probably saw an opportunity for crazy Jen to come out and throw a tantrum after realizing she wasn’t going to get a trophy for her one salsa dancing lesson. God, I love this show! The couple salsa dance, and both of them are actually very good. Naturally, as Jen informs us that Sharrieff WAS in a dance group in junior high school. Jen again laments to Sharrieff about how misunderstood she is by the other women, and Sharrieff once again very patiently therapizes her. I was shocked to find out that they have been married 26 years. Can someone please tell me if that’s a record for a marriage that Bravo has ruined? That’s got to be a record! There’s no way they’ll still be married if Jen makes it to a season three...

At last the moment we’ve been waiting for all season arrives! Heather is FINALLY opening her second Mormon purification center. This one used to be a Quiznos! Meredith asks Brooks what she thinks of her outfit, a leather tuxedo with a sparkling lapel. He says it’s “Beyond,” but she decides she’s going to take off her pants entirely, and just make it a “blazer dress.” Lisa informs her husband that she’s going to wear Versace because who doesn’t love Versace. I think he’s just excited that his kids have piano lessons, so he doesn’t have to get an experimental chemical peel. The party is pink, and Heather is serving us Frenchie’s trouble in tinting class. This party has everything: buff gay bartenders with judging eyes, napkins that say messy af (Mary: “What does AF stand for? After the fact?”), wing-shaped cookies, stanchions! Meredith arrives wearing a mask that looks like it came from a very expensive piece of medical equipment, which she informs us is high fashion, and she wouldn’t expect anyone who isn’t as elegant as she to understand it. Mary looks like a cross between an Olsen twin and an extra from Gossip Girl. Lisa arrives, asking, “Does X marks the spot?” before posing in front of the step and repeat. Heather has invited her ex husband, who says he approves, calling the event “next level.” It must be pretty impressive if he got out of his hot tub for it! Heather introduces Meredith to a friend, saying Meredith is a burn victim. The friend says she should wear the mask all the time... Whitney really does a big Whitney zing on Meredith’s mask, putting on two surgical masks in her confessional. Boom! We learn that Meredith’s dress was designed in part by Brooks, which means it must be one of a kind. Mary says something about chicken turkeys as Meredith sips a straw right through her mask. Everyone at this party is basically wearing very shiny pajamas. Lisa reveals to Meredith that she and Jen met up after Vegas, to which Meredith says she can’t control whom Lisa is friends with, but she definitely needs some space from the situation. Mary joins Whitney at the oxygen bar (Mary: “I need oxygen, doxygen, estrogen, YEStrogen!”). Whitney tells Mary she was right; after Mary was out of Jen’s line of fire in Vegas, Whitney just became her next target. 

Enter Jen...

Whitney tells Jen she felt like Jen’s punching bag in Vegas. Jen offers a very sincere apology that offers no excuses, which Whitney seems to accept. It’s like Jen is wearing a wire with Sharrieff in her hear telling her exactly what to say all night. In her confessional, Jen reveals that she was just being nice at the time, and she wasn’t really sorry at all because she saw some wing-shaped cookies across the room, and she was hungry. This makes much more sense with the other things I’ve seen across this franchise. Good housewifing, Jen! Heather gives her thank you speech, which again affirms Heather as an independent woman who blah blah blah. We are shown footage of Meredith telling a closet case Mormon man that it’s always a bad idea to ignore bad energy, when Jen walks over to tell Meredith how unacceptable it is that Jen was talking about Meredith’s marriage. Meredith says, “No. It’s not,” and we are treated to a sonic boom sound effect. Meredith again says she needs to “protect her positive space”, but hopefully if Jen proves that she can be trustworthy, the two can move forward. Jen says to Meredith’s face that she respects that decision, but says in her confessional that she thinks Meredith is crazy. Heather walks over, and Meredith gives the two their own space, so she and her Tron mask can continue to protect their positive energy pod elsewhere. Jen and Heather get into a heated discussion, which upsets Lisa Barlow, Queen of Sundance, to the point where she thinks she may have to call security, and of all the parties she’s thrown, she’s never had to call security. She insinuates herself into the situation, saying “Can you guys whisper?” Jen gives her worst apology of the night, and Heather once again forgives her after Jen says the words that Heather literally has to tell her to say.

What a season! We learn that Jen has bought another friend, Heather has learned that she’s her own person, Whitney has a skincare line, Mary is reorganizing her closet, Lisa is taking a family vacation to Mexico, and Meredith and Seth are back in Couples counseling.

What a long episode!