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modernart2012 · 7 years ago

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Grave Robbing for Fun and Profit (Mostly Profit)

@sumigakure Halloween Event 2017

Bonus Prompt: Grave Robbing

Word Count: 14170

On AO3

Summary: Aka - Kagami may have lost the battle, but he will win the War.

Takes place in the same Universe as You remind me of (Home). Consider this the sequel that also ate my brain

Kagami bursts into the room, panicking at a decent Level 7. “Profess - FIRE GOD’S FLAMING BALLS MY EYES!” He recoils trying to erase what he had just seen from his retinas, but then remembers who is following just behind him. “MINION NO!!!! DON’T COME IN!!!!” Trying to cover his eyes and block Orochimaru’s eyes simultaneously was pretty hard, especially since Kagami isn’t precisely sure where Orochimaru is.

Orochimaru pauses behind him somewhere, unfazed, “Kagami, I am best friends with Jiraiya. I have undoubtedly seen and heard worse.”

Kagami doesn’t think that’s a valid defense. “No! Bad! Minors shouldn’t be exposed to these sorts of R rated things!” He bops Orochimaru on the nose like a particularly misbehaved puppy, and gets a startled look for his efforts. He’s going to regret that when his coffee is exchanged for decaf pumpkin spice - a vile monstrosity on all parts - tomorrow. Today. Whenever the next most convenient time/place was. Whatever, live fast die young and all that. Then he whirls back around to his cousin and his … actually what are they? Dating? Boyfriends? Lovers? Is this the right time to ask if they’ve DTR’d? Wait, that isn’t the point, “Why were you doing that sort of thing in a place where anyone could just walk in on you?!”

Cousin Madara makes a high pitched whine of horror and abject humiliation, and Professor Senju simply quirks an Eyebrow of Doom at them. “This is my private residence. The door was locked.” Kagami wants to frown disappointedly at Professor Senju - they’d known each other how many years now? A locked door means nothing.

Orochimaru calls over from the bookshelf, “Kagami picked the lock.”

Cousin Madara groans harder, covering his face with his hands. Tough luck, but it really didn’t do anything for his disheveled hair and half-unbuttoned shirt. Or Professor Senju’s missing shirt. Which, good job Cousin Madara, Professor Senju is fit. Would this be the time to send a Subtle and Discreet Thumbs Up? “Is there a particular reason you broke into my home at … 8:16 pm on a Saturday, Kagami?”

Oh. Oh yeah. “I,” Orochimaru interrupts with a pointed cough, “- I mean we - fixed the issue with the Reanimation technique.” Both Cousin Madara and Professor Senju blanch simultaneously. Kagami hadn’t known either of them could go any paler. “Wait, no, we made it work on a dead dog. There are no supernatural zombies this time.”

“This time?” Orochimaru perks up, interest piqued. Oh, Fire God’s balls.

“NO. BAD MINION. NO SUPERNATURAL ZOMBIES FOR YOU.” Maybe Kagami should invest in a spray bottle. Properly training and socializing one’s minion is hard work. How did Professor Senju ever get him trained? He catches Orochimaru glaring at him with calculation in his eyes, turns his head and sees the exact same look on Professor Senju, as if both are contemplating the best way for him to die. He resolves to work on his death glare. Clearly that’s what he’s been doing wrong this whole time.

“And this couldn’t have been a text message why?” Ah, there’s that throbbing vein in Professor Senju’s forehead. Kagami’s old friend.

“Well, see, that’s a long story….”

500,000 ryo, two favors of his choice, a house, and a left kidney (extraction pending) was the final pot that Cousin Izuna won. Plus a second date with Tōka Senju, though that might have been incidental to the actual bet if the way he was walking funny was anything to judge by. Kagami wonders where he had gone so wrong, to lose out on that much stuff. Did no one pity the young and their student debt? Cousin Izuna didn’t need that stuff, he had a job that paid well. Except the date with the Senju lady, he’d been starry-eyed long enough over her. Kagami is still holding out hope on a double wedding - tensions are still rampant with the Senju, so having a two-for-one wedding would limit the amount of dead bodies created. Unless it was Uncle Setsuna, in which case, fuck Uncle Setsuna.

Cousin Hikaku is unimpressed. “Kagami. Please stop clutching my leg and crying in public. You’re scaring the children.” Kagami looks over at where Orochimaru and his friends are staring at him impassively over various forms of ice cream.

Kagami considers for a moment, “They are minors.” Genius minors that were revolutionizing their chosen fields of study, but still minors. It still wasn’t enough to stop him from flopping pathetically over Cousin Hikaku’s lap. He had no shame, and Hikaku was the best for cuddling.

Jiraiya blusters around his mint chocolate chip mouthful, “We’re 16, not idiots!” Tsunade ducks his wildly gesticulating spoon, calmly sipping at her milkshake.

Orochimaru eyes Jiraiya skeptically, “Are we absolutely sure about this.” When Jiraiya chokes on his ice cream in his haste to disabuse Orochimaru of the statement, neither he nor Tsunade made a move to help.

“Aren’t you studying to be a doctor?” Kagami asks Tsunade distractedly. He didn’t know people could actually turn that color. Maybe he should take pictures? Jiraiya might want to know, he is a writer and he needs descriptions.

“The Medic’s Oath only applies to those who are your patients. Jiraiya is not.” Over the sound of Jiraiya coughing, Tsunade adds, “Besides, he’s coughing. He can breathe.” With a move that spoke of years of practice, she punches his breathing back into normal pattern. “Are you finished having your pity party over losing one portion of the betting pool? I want to know so I can decide if I need to get another milkshake or not.”

Kagami slumps over. “No, I’m done.” The youth were so jaded and cynical these days! Where were their hearts? Their sympathy for their fellow struggling humans?

Cousin Hikaku decides that he’s going to be nice for a moment and scritches Kagami’s head like he did when they were little. Long suffering and patient. “There there, Kagami.” It felt good where his hair was still growing back in after having it burned off by Cousin Madara - who knew Cousin Madara had such excellent aim even without being able to see? Luckily he had been in a hospital already.

“What’s the big deal about having debts anyways?” Orochimaru asks. Jiraiya and Tsunade nod, because genius and young meant that they had caboodles of money falling out of the sky into their laps for their achievements. “You just have to make something and patent it and you get money for it and pay off the debt.”

“Says the Baby Experimental and Theoretical Magician Who’s Already Famous for Their Experimental Magic, the Kabillion-times Awarded Writer Renowned Throughout the Elemental Nations and Has People Falling Over Themselves to Buy Their Books, and the Medic Who’s Already Revolutionized the Medical Field Plus Invented New Magical Technology.” Kagami accuses. “The most groundbreaking thing I’ve worked on is already owned! By the military. A little to the left Cousin Hikaku, ah, right there. Perfect.”

“It’s kind of scary, but you really can hear the capitals,” Tsunade muses. Orochimaru nods once in agreement. Jiraiya looks intrigued.

“You know, this is giving me all sorts of ideas for my next novel,” Jiraiya comments over the edge of his notebook. “Kagami, would you say you’re feeling pampered and well-cared for?” He thinks for a moment, “Actually, would you say that you’d call Mr. Hikaku ‘Big Brother’ or ‘Master’ in this situation? Or is this more ‘Peon/Servant’ like?”

Tsunade and Orochimaru exchange speaking looks, then Tsunade punches Jiraiya in the head. Kagami blinks blankly. Come to think of it, what kind of books did Jiraiya even write?

“It doesn’t matter, the project is a dud for want of control of the subject.” Kagami groans into Hikaku thigh. They’re very comfortable, unlike Cousin Mikoto who apparently has never heard of skipping leg day and has thighs that could crush a man’s skull. Then the Idea hits him. “Wait! THAT’S IT! I just need to invent and patent a fool-proof control seal, then when the Man wants it I can name my price!” He grabs Orochimaru, “COME MINION! LET US AWAY!” He’s a good Mentor, so he makes sure Orochimaru has his ice cream cone and napkins before he drags him away. Rule One of Minion Keeping: Take Care of Thy Minion.

As he dashes out of the ice cream parlor, he faintly hears: “Hey, Mr. Hikaku, how much is the minimum amount to place a bet in the betting pool?”

“Tsunade-hime, no.” Jiraiya moans in despair.

“Tsunade yes.” Kagami feels the fingers of the Lady of Death wrap around his coffin and shivers, but Experimental Magic waits for no man and he forges on.

Kagami pauses as he hears a stomach growl. “Minion, why didn’t you say you were hungry?! This is unacceptable. Professor, I’m pressgang-ing your kitchen. Come along Baby Snake.” He marches confidently out of the room, because his cousin’s whatever’s house was his house too and all that.

Cousin Madara splutters, “Kagami you can’t just tell people you’re taking over their kitchen.” Because Cousin Madara didn’t do the same regularly. The hypocrite. Besides, Kagami needs to know how Professor Senju keeps his kitchen before he gives Cousin Madara his blessing. Kitchens tell you a lot about a person, after all, and it wouldn’t do to have a kitchen heathen in the family.

Professor Senju looks at his - whatever - in askance, “Is that the only issue you with that?”

Cousin Madara shrugs, “It’s Kagami,” as if that explained everything. Which, maybe it did but that’s because he’s sensible and everyone else around him is slightly insane.

Orochimaru seems to concur, “We had ice cream for breakfast yesterday because Kagami said he needed to eat his feels and it’s proven to be good for mental health.” Still he gets up and follows Kagami like a good minion, and receives a piece of candy for good behavior. Cousin Madara and Professor Senju trail behind looking perturbed. Whatever, they just don’t get his genius.

He sets the dishes in the sink to cleaning as he pokes around for ingredients, because 1) eww, who wants to have to do dishes on date night?, 2) he’s pretty sure he’s going to need that spatula because Orochimaru likes eggs, and 3) it take less than a thought, so why not. “Professor Senju, where do you keep the rice?” Omelette rice was simple and tasty, but he’d been practicing making egg curry rice balls and he needed guinea pigs to taste it before unleashing it on the unsuspecting masses that was the grad student lunch-luck. He was going to beat out that asshole Inuzuka in the Medical Pharmacology department if it was the last thing he did in graduate school. Choices choices.

Professor Senju ignores him in favor of asking, “Is this like the House Thing?” Oooh, fresh tomatoes. Curry it is.

Cousin Madara nods while Orochimaru looks up from where he’s perched on the counter petting his snake, “What House Thing?” Then he pauses and corrects, “I don’t want to know if it’s something kinky.” Kagami passes him another candy. Good behavior must be rewarded. Cousin Madara makes a dying noise and collapses into a chair.

“That doesn’t matter, you heard Tsunade make a outrageous bet and didn’t think twice about your course of action?” Professor Senju asks while pinching the bridge of his nose. He’s somehow managed to procure a shirt, boooo.

Orochimaru speaks around his mouthful of candy. “To be fair, Tsunade is usually wrong.” She usually is - there was a reason all the local bookies were fighting over if it were fair to tell people what she had bet on. It tended to drive up business, but people tended to win more, so it’s pretty much an even split as to opinions.

“Before we go any further, do we really need to know anything that transpired in the last 24 hours?” Cousin Madara sounds pained. Maybe he’s eaten something that doesn’t agree with him? Kagami isn’t surprised, the man likes his spice with extra spice and that’s not easy on the stomach.

Kagami sets the rice to cook and pulls out the first of the (frankly lacking) vegetables to be chopped. “Well, yes, mostly because I’m pretty sure the military and international police are hunting for us.” At least one, possibly two, but that wasn’t important, really.

Kagami is pretty sure Cousin Madara is praying for a lightning bolt to kill him dead right now. Someone really ought to keep an eye on that, praying to die is probably a sign of depression and/or suicidal thoughts.

“Kagami, why are we breaking into the Restricted Archives.” Orochimaru nods and smiles at the librarian at the desk, because he’s somehow gotten in good with them and Kagami would like to note it’s entirely suspect because his minion routinely fails Socialization 101 so him being in good with anyone is questionable.

“We’re not breaking in.” Kagami protested as he scanned his universal access card that he had copied from the Dean’s Office. “We have an appropriate pass and everything! And it’s broad daylight!” Nothing illicit happened in broad daylight.

“A pass the administration doesn’t know you have and that I would stake my third undergraduate degree on you having obtained through less than legitimate means,” Orochimaru points out. Kagami pretends to not notice as Orochimaru subtly picks his pocket and clones the pass on his phone. Of course his minion wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to have access to knowledge!

“Baby Snake, have I ever led you astray?” Kagami leads the way down the long aisles of books, looking for the shelves with the advanced and forbidden sealing techniques. There was some book about mind control seals, something from the heyday of sealing in Uzu no Kuni. Kagami had seen it before, back when he had been packmule-ing texts for Professor Senju.

He walks confidently down the corridor to the rotunda where the shelves started.Forbidden fire magics, forbidden earth magics, forbidden water magics (oooh, Kagami would have to remember that there is a text on torture methods, that one’s new), forbidden air magics, forbidden nature transformations, forbidden bukijutsu (weren’t all bukijutsu forbidden?). They should be getting close, sealing was usually hidden deeper in the vault of libraries, where the wards were older, stronger, and more sensitive to intruders trying to forcibly break through.

“Kagami, you regularly get lost. Do you really want me to answer that?”

Kagami swears the quality of minion has gone down since his day. That’s it, Orochimaru gets to re-calibrate the micro pipettes, no wet bench experiments for him. “Ah, here we go.” Finally the right shelf. A quick perusal of the titles gained nothing significant, so Kagami takes the most promising titles and then dumped the less promising ones on Orochimaru. “To the research tables!”

Four hours of scribbling notes and painstakingly copying seal matrix elements later, they had exhausted the texts they had claimed and started in on round two. Upside, Kagami is pretty sure he could pass any pop quiz Professor Uzumaki gives on sealing and it’s theory in that moment; downside is that he’s running low on candy to bribe the minion with. He stares moodily at the latest betrayal: the right text (finally!) but one written in code. “If this ends up being a puzzle like in Full Metal Alchemist, I’m going to invent time travel just to go back in time to punch the author,” Kagami informs Orochimaru.

At the blank look he gets in response, he fears the worst. Then, “Wouldn’t you rather use time travel for something … more humanitarian? Like, ending wars before they started?”

“And jeopardize my own existence? I think not.” Honestly, did Orochimaru think he was born yesterday? Kagami has a healthy appreciation of the Grandfather Paradox. What if he were to end up with multiple Uncle Setsunas? He’d have to go to jail for pre-mediated multiple homicide, no matter that he’d be doing the world a service. Objectively, it’s not worth it.

Orochimaru considers Kagami thoughtfully before nodding, “Fair enough.” Then, with slightly too much magic, he twisted air and lightning-flavored-fire together and the air was awash with books flipping through their pages madly, pausing open on certain pages. A second twist, this time water via a snake hand seal and the blank loose leaf surrounding them began to fill with information. As soon as the information from each paused upon page was noted, and the rest of the book checked for relevance, the books returned to their places on the shelves.

Kagami had to admit it was a neat use of magic, but also, “Are you trying to blow us all up? Air and fire together is liable to cause an inferno! Channeling water through a primarily earth magic hand seal? It could have exploded the entirety of the University! Where would you get such an idea from anyways?” He keeps thwacking Orochimaru over the head until he steps out of range.

Orochimaru rubs the back of his head where Kagami had whacked him petulantly, “Professor Sarutobi’s done it before.”

“Professor Sarutobi has practiced in a controlled environment, with more hand seals until he could do his spell with only a few hand signs, and not just experimented on the fly. And don’t try to tell me that you didn’t just make up those spells just now.” At least Orochimaru has the sense to look guilty. “Seriously! You’re a genius, did you not think that through at all? Just… don’t do it again. Get the notes and let’s see what we have.”

What they have is a hot mess. Not even the fun kind of hot mess. Time for trial and error then. “Grab your tablet, we’re going to have to test seal matrices.” Thank the Four for Professor Uzumaki developing a seal and ward prediction app. Draw in your proposed seal or ward, and it would spit out what it would do. No more explosions in the Sealing and Wards department! The only downside is the drawing - Kagami isn’t in the Sealing and Ward department for a reason. Glancing over at Orochimaru’s chicken scratch, it’s clear that there is a good reason he isn’t either. It was going to be a long day.

“Actually, wouldn’t it just be easier to scry for the right elements?” Orochimaru, that sly bastard. “I mean, we should have enough moon-harvested water around, and we have a thrice-mirrored bowl?” Kagami waits patiently for the answer to become obvious - there’s a good reason they can’t use scrying here and it would compute in 3, 2, 1 … “Oh, the symbols.”

“Exactly. Premontionary and Clairvoyant magic is a lost magic for a reason, and it isn’t because we can’t do it. We just can’t focus in on when or what we want to see.” Kagami chews his lower lip in concentration; the whorls of the external enclosing planes had to be precise for energy direction. Would an earth based element as a part of the directory pathways help or hinder the process? Air elements wouldn’t be right, they weren’t look for knowledge, they wanted mind control which was as opposite of knowledge that they could get, but water’s malleability conflicts with earth and it’d become a muddled mess.

It was an unfortunate shortcoming, but the application wouldn’t, or rather couldn’t tell you where you went wrong. Just that the seal didn’t work, or that the energy pathways ruptured, or memorably, with one frustrated scribble, death and destruction to the bonds between molecules. From that point, things rapidly devolve as their eyes begin to blur with strain. They had created a 13th brand new variant of explosive seals - really, they’re easier to make than anyone wants the average person to believe - when the latest seal matrix is announced to probably have mind control properties. Kagami nearly drops the tablet in shock. “Holy Fire God’s blessed ashes. We did it!”

Orochimaru catches the tablet when Kagami finally finishes fumbling it around. “It only says ‘probably’, though.”

Kagami doesn’t stop dancing in celebration, “It’s good enough for a test! To the graveyard!” He moonwalks to the door and is halfway down the hallway before realizing. “Wait! Save that seal,and the rest, and print out like seven copies of each on seal paper. Plus the Reanimation seal! Let’s test the lot!”

It wasn’t a long trek to the graveyard, but they’d stopped to pick up lunch and snacks, plus water bottles and a bag because who knows how long it’d take to get through all of these seals. Proper hydration and feed was the undisputed key to excellent research, everyone knew that. It was also around lunchtime and research did not wait for growling stomachs.

Then they realized that it was an exotic pet cemetery and no one really needed a tiger on the loose on the off chance that the seal failed to work and had to go to the opposite end of town for the regular pet cemetery attached to the regular human graveyard way in the back.

“This one seems promising!” The headstone read “Spot”, and that was a normal pet name. Easy enough, really. Probably a dog, maybe a rabbit if someone had a rabbit with a spot -

“It’s a cat.” Orochimaru boggles from where he’s prized off the top of the casket. “This is ‘Spot’?”

“Now now, minion, we can’t judge people on their naming sense. Afterall, ‘Spot’ is a human name too.” And he had always wondered what had happened that Uncle Tajima had agreed to that name. Aunt Akane really must have put the fear of the Four into him….

Kagami shakes himself out of his spiral of thinking when he hears the crunching of gravel. “Quick, hide,” he hisses at Orochimaru, then scrambles into the bushes. Grave robbing is a crime still, no matter that this is in the name of Experimental and Theoretical Magic, and Kagami would like to not go to jail, thank you.

Two figures in dark cloaks trudge up the path carrying flowers. Small Lords of Ash and Smoke, please let them not pause at the dug up grave please let them not pause at the dug up grave pleasepleaseplease - The figures stop in front of the dug up grave. Fuck the Water God’s sacred duck.

“What’s happened to Madara?” The tall one with the face cloth cries, part horror and part vengeance-will-be-mine. He drops to his knees in the mess, sifting through the dirt and grass pensively. After a long moment, “They can’t have left too long ago, Hidan. The soil is still freshly overturned.”

Kagami and Orochimaru exchange looks and in an unparalleled instance of reading each other’s minds sprang into action simultaneously. Orochimaru sprints in the opposite direction while Kagami leaps out and blows the strongest fire spell he can muster into the face of the two men.

That should take care of that - “Flame of the Fire God!” A scythe rips through the fire ball, closely followed by the bare-faced man, Hidan, who looks remarkably undamaged for having taken a fire ball point blank.

Kagami makes the executive decision to run. He’s halfway back to his car, dodging sweeps of the scythe and vaulting over headstones, to where he hopes Orochimaru has gotten in and started the engine, when he feels a solid thwack to his skull and the world goes dark.

Cousin Madara groans from where he’s watching tomatoes stew down on the stove, poking at the mass warily, “Every time I think this can’t possibly get any worse, it does. First with the breaking and entering, then the grave robbing, and now kidnappers.” He points the wooden spoon that’s been stirring the sauce in Kagami’s face. “You are never allowed out without supervision again. Ever.”

Kagami pouts, “Excuse you, but you’re not the boss of me.” He sticks his tongue out for added effect.

Professor Senju had pulled out a cooling compress around the time they got to the graveyard, and lifted the corner that was just over his eyes. “You did say ‘Hidan’ correct? Was he by chance with a man named Kazuku?”

Orochimaru perks up from where he’s been patiently shelling field peas, “Do you know them Professor?”

Professor Senju pauses, then states baldly, “Kazuku tried to kill me and Brother once.”

He replaces the cloth just in time to miss Cousin Madara whirls around, “When was this?!” Tomato sauce flies off the spoon as Cousin Madara gesticulates frantically. Kagami really hopes it won’t stain the pale Iron blue Professor Senju had painted his kitchen. Even if it was mostly for show.

Then the thought occurs to him, “Ah, to be fair, they were more like jacks-of-all-trade rather than just kidnappers? They did ransoms, sacrifices, assassinations, bounty hunting, serial killing/mass murder - what’s the difference by the way? - plus or minus some contract killing, but that could be the same as assassination. And odds jobs, as long as they paid.”

It’s like a record had jumped and scratched. Professor Senju and Cousin Madara exchange a Look, and how sweet, they’re at the stage where they could hold entire conversations with their eyes! Practically married! “And how did you come by this information?” Professor Senju queries calmly and carefully.

Orochimaru answers from where he’s digging his snake out of the pea shells, “Oh, we talked to them.”

Contrary to what the movies would have you believe, getting knocked unconscious tended to be traumatic and leave one with a ringing in the ears and a throbbing in the skull. Unfortunately, the lack of light in what appeared to be a car trunk meant Orochimaru wasn’t able to check him from concussion, and the lack of room meant neither of them could risk a small flame to see either. As it was, someone had disabled the emergency escape latch in the trunk so rolling out and getting to a medical facility was completely out of the question. Or so Orochimaru tells him, Kagami is a little too nauseous to check for himself. The bouncing of the car tells him they’re not on asphalt, more likely gravel or one of the many forest roads that are covered in rocks and tree roots. Either one is not a good sign - neither of those are features of roads anywhere near the University.

Telling Orochimaru that would do no good; Frightening the Minion is Not to Be Borne. So instead Kagami announces with as much dignity as he can muster laying on his side curled into the fetal position. “I think I am going to vomit.”

The car comes to a screeching halt. “Oh, fucking no you don’t! I just got the Chariot of Fucking Destruction detailed!” Ah, the dulcet tones of yelling. They don’t help Kagami’s swimming head, or the building roiling of his gut.

Which is how Kagami projectile vomits all over Scythe Dude when he yanks open the trunk. He flops over the rear bumper and moans pitifully. He wants ice like burning and the cloud-blanket Cousin Izuna had knit him that felt like a hug when he snuggles in. And his mom to pet his head like she did when he was little. That wasn’t too much to ask, was it?

Apparently so, because he gets hoisted up into a fireman carry by Mr. Strong Arms and - Holy Fire God he has muscles. ”Do your workouts work out?” He squeezes the bit of bicep he can reach, and pokes at the trapezius on his other side. The robe gets in the way a bit, but thank the Four for partial nudists!

Orochimaru follows sedately behind. “I apologize in advance for Kagami.”

The Veil-Face nods sympathetically, “I as well; Hidan always uses too much force.”

Orochimaru extends a pale hand, “Orochimaru. I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet you but - ”

“Kazuku. Don’t worry about it, we’re consummate professionals. We will ensure that this is as painless as possible so you are inclined to leave a positive review about your experience.” The handshake they exchange is firm and cordial. Kagami thinks he needs to set up a module on Kidnapping 101. This is most probably not the proper thing to do when kidnapped. Professor Senju never had to give him that lesson; he can’t even trawl through Professor Senju’s archives for help. He moans, he doesn’t want to have to create a new Power Point, they take forever and what does he even say? If the University finds another incident of suspicious search history….

“Oi! If you puke on me again I’m sacrificing you to Jashin-sama!” Hidan barks over his shoulder, apparently concerned by the pitiful sounds Kagami is making.

Kagami thinks about it for a moment, over the murmur of conversation Orochimaru and Kazuku discussing … immortality and magic natures, or something like that? … before going for broke, “Who’s Jashin-sama?”

He takes Kazuku’s, “Lady of Death preserve me in eternal life,” at face value. There’s only a select few people who would ever call on the Lady of Death and only the movies would have you believe they’re all crazy, much more likely he’s a follower of the Lady of Death. Weird, but much more plausible. Immortality was myth and legend, and not even a Lost Art myth or legend; at least those had some evidence towards being real and replicable.

“Jashin-sama is a great and benevolent God, heathen! Take a page from this wretched soul and listen to the word of Jashin! Maybe you’ll be saved!” Hidan crouches to let Kagami down at the base of a tree, and then gestures at Orochimaru to get himself over there too. Then he starts rummaging through his pockets, apparently that cloak had a lot, and deep ones too. Kagami’s impressed, he’ll have to ask after the make and model and get himself one. It seemed useful, like a lab coat only socially acceptable to wear outside of lab.

Kazuku sighs heavily, before stating blandly, “If either of you have people willing to pay ransoms for your safe return, and/or pay for repairs to Spot’s grave, speak now.”

Orochimaru eyes Kagami speculatively, before taking the proffered call phone and dialing. “Professor Sarutobi? I’ve been kidnapped. So has Kagami. Yes, Kagami Uchiha. Please comply with our kidnappers requests.” Orochimaru listens intently, nodding to whatever Hiruzen says, before handing the phone back to Kazuku.

Kagami can feel the disappointment from Hiruzen already. He’d bet last night’s authentic Uzu ramen that he’s going to be lectured at the next faculty meeting. He’ll have to bring a discreet snack, Hiruzen tended towards long-winded and unnecessarily complicated explanations and lectures that were probably best delivered in vernacular rather than high-brow concepts and metaphors. Where he even picked up that tendency was anyone’s guess, Professor Senju was concise and to the point and definitely was not a dick about things like Hiruzen. Maybe if he threw a glove to issue a challenge? Kagami could take Hiruzen in hand-to-hand combat. He only had nitrile gloves though, did that even count?

“Aha! Found it!” Hidan bellows in triumph, breaking Kagami from his stupor. “Time to enlighten you heathens to the truth, to Jashin-sama!” He unfolds a small booklet, before straightening his spine to pronounce with gravity, “Tenet the first: Everything is destined for utter destruction.”

“Makes sense, the second law of thermodynamics.” At Hidan’s blank look, Kagami expands, “You know, entropy? Everything is in a constant state of decay, everything in the universe is on track to be completely destroyed? Everything tends towards destruction? It’s basic physics!”

Hidan looks conflicted, “Your heathen science has somehow found the truth, yet is still heathen and ought to be rejected.”

Kagami crosses his arms, “You can think of it that way, or you can think of it as science being the explanation for the Unknown Mysteries of the Universe. ‘A Search is what They have wrought for length, and depth, and wideness.’”

A series of thoughtful nods, then Hidan clears his throat. Kazuku reappears from between the trees, phone call over. Orochimaru asks him conversationally, “So, what is it that you do?”

Hidan continues, “Tenet the Second: To wreak Destruction upon everything is the highest calling. Anything less is a sin. Tenet the Third: Discard those who fear death, for there is nothing more holy than the end. Death is the absence of fear. Tenet the Fourth: Those who undergo the mystic rituals will find immortal life by the will of Jashin-sama.” He pauses, then, “Remember these tenets, because they will be the core of your life henceforth! You, once you have accepted Jashin-sama and the teachings of Jashinism, will live and die by these fundamental truths.”

Kazuku looks up from his notebook and calculator, apparently tabulating something, “We do a bit of this and that. Whatever pays most at the time, kidnapping, ransom, contract killing, bounty hunting. Odd jobs, as necessary. Keeps the bank account flush.”

Hidan spits, sidetracked, “Of fucking course, because this heathen piece of shit only worships money. He’s killed monks and destroyed temples for money. Blasphemous motherfucker, sold out his own country for a quick buck.”

Kagami would like to point out the obvious, but it might not be a good time. Considering that Hidan pulls out his scythe - which, on second look, is really impractical, given that it has three blades on the same side, meaning that unless one uses it in a primarily overhand chopping manner only one blade is ever going to do the cutting - and Kazuku is queuing up magic like it’s a Magic combat tournament championship. “Are you going to sacrifice me to your Jashin-sama? Without praying? Am I neighborly enough to qualify for killing, Hidan?”

And now would be the time to duck for cover. Because Kagami hasn’t heard that level of vitriol and barely leashed rage since the time someone made a sexist remark about women in front of Koharu. He’s willing to stake his life on the fact that they’re about to see a similar level of beat down, with the same exact sum number of witnesses: none. “Minion, move.” He pushes at Orochimaru’s shoulder with as much this-is-imperative-listen-to-me desperation as he can muster, because they are both in danger of dying and -

“Fucking rot in Hell.” Before Kagami can react- even think about shielding Orochimaru from what’s coming, because he’s too young to see something like murder - Kazuku’s neck is severed. Blood gushes forth, and then thousands of thin black threads that quickly attach Kazuku’s head with no other apparent damage beyond the new set of stitches to his throat. It is easily one of the most horrifying yet fascinating things Kagami has ever seen.

“Fire God’s Eternal Flame.” Kagami can’t stop replaying the scene he saw over and over and over in his head. Orochimaru is the only thing holding him upright; his bones have turned from jelly to water. There’s no way - Kazuku moves lightning quick, or must’ve, because the next thing Kagami can see is that Kazuku’s fist is through Hidan’s chest. Hidan only laughs maniacally.

“Like that sort of thing can kill me fuckwit.” The scythe swings down and slices through Kazuku’s arm for long enough that Hidan slides straight off the end of his arm. The gaping absence in the middle of his chest starts to close over before their eyes. Right. Immortality. Damnation of sulphur and ash.

Luckily, the duo seems well matched in terms of ability and wholly focused on trying to murderize each other. “Orochimaru. Tell me you got the keys?” Kagami whispers lowly as they stumble blindly through the woods. Every now and again the sound of a massive collision roars by, tinged with different magic types equally. Monsters, the both of them.

A cloud of dust and high-speed wind has them ducking behind one of the massive trees that Hi no Kuni is known for. It adds a new level to the ringing in his ears. Kagami wants to blame his still throbbing head, but he would swear that they’re not getting any farther from where the immortals are duking it out. “Come on Kagami, only 500 meters to the car, we can make it.” Orochimaru, such a good minion, being supportive… and supportive, given the fact that Kagami’s arm is around Orochimaru’s neck and the teen is half carrying him since his legs are failing to support him properly without assistance. Once Kagami got a chance, he was going to promote Orochimaru to Head Minion. Maybe Chief Lab Assistant. Definitely put him up for the “Best Minion Award” at the next departmental grad student meeting.

The crack of a twig that didn’t come from their footfalls first alerts them that there is something else out there that isn’t just them and the still clashing monsters wreaking havoc across the landscape. There were red laser dots flitting across the tree trunks, but that was probably a hallucination - Kagami really needs to get his head checked out. “Shit.” And Orochimaru is cursing. Since the last last time Kagami had ever heard a curse exit Orochimaru’s mouth was after he paralyzed his arms, he’s suitably alarmed.

Orochimaru picks up his pace, moving diagonally to flank the dancing dots. They’ve nearly gotten behind the shadowy figures gliding through the dappled shadows and dust clouds when a low and dangerous growl starts up behind them. “I would stop moving if I were you.”

“Would this person happen to have white hair? In a completely non-regulation ponytail? Scary, but nice scary? Younger than Kagami but Older than Orochimaru?”

“Uh, he had a wolf?” Really that was the most memorable thing about him. That thing was clearly suffering from gigantism, or whatever the canid version of Marfan’s Syndrome is. If it even was a regular canid and not some beast of myth and legend. Kagami got a hair sample. Just to be sure. Who knows, maybe Celestials and Spirits had DNA like normal mortal creatures. “Do you prefer vinegar and sugar rice, or just plain rice in your rice balls.”

“This explains why I got a phone call about someone who looks like an Uchiha cavorting with known criminals and fleeing from the military.” Cousin Madara looks conflicted, then passes the vinegar and sugar. Kagami would have to be sure to add extra spice to the curry to balance it out then.

“And you didn’t expect Kagami?” Thanks Professor Senju, Kagami’ll be sure to give him a rice ball with all the pickled plum. He didn’t get into trouble that often, and most of his family are employed in law enforcement.

“Look, you try meeting the Wild Hunt and not fleeing. I have things to achieve and they all start with no getting scooped by the Fair Folk and spending eternity hunting things down. Or being hunted. Or being eaten. ” Kagami grumbles, then floats over a mug of coffee. Going 24 hours without the nectar of the Gods is pushing it, okay. He needs his fix.

Cousin Madara makes a pinched face. Kagami adds a pinch of asafoetida, anise, and turmeric to the curry - indigestion and constipation is normally the cause of faces like that. “Sakumo Hatake isn’t Fae.” Shows what Cousin Madara knows.

Orochimaru protests, “He had a massive wolf! That’s not normal for humans.” What’s left unsaid is that it’s normal in the stories for Wild Hunt to have large predator companions. Like massive wolves. That thing was easily the size of a bear. Not a small bear either, like a bear on steroids. Some Princess Mononoke animal shit.

Kagami agrees, “Definitely a Heavenly Dog.” To add more garlic or more soy? He leans over to proffer a spoon to Professor Senju - whatever he says, the opposite. Unless he says it’s fine in which case both, plus chilies. Kagami’s sure he saw a dried Ghost Pepper in the spice cupboard…

“Fuzzy isn’t a Heavenly Dog.” the statement is bald and matter-of-fact, but what does Cousin Madara know? It’s amazingly clear Cousin Madara knows nothing. Then Cousin Madara stops to think, as if reviewing the conversation because something’s not adding up. “Why would you even think that the military was the Wild Hunt?”

Kagami is too busy trying to wrestle the soy sauce bottle away from Professor Senju’s control, Fire God’s Flame he was strong, so Orochimaru answers instead. “Immortals are a thing. Who knows what else is out there?” He pauses to consider, then, “But since you know the white-haired Fae, please apologize for us about the screaming. And running. And the fire. There was a lot of fire.” Oh look, Cousin Madara can look even more horrified. Kagami should take a picture for the databook.

Kagami would like to contend neither he nor Orochimaru screamed shrilly like small children. They scream like terrified grown adults, thank you very much. Even if the response is confused whining and pained distress on the part of the wolf and a startled look on the Fae’s.

Granted, Kagami’s automatic response is to punch the human-looking one in the face. It’s sloppy, and Kagami resolves to return to the dojo with Cousin Madara and Cousin Izuna because apparently just being in academia does not mean that he’s exempt from needing to throw punches.

Though, since it lands and has the Fae stumble back in surprise, Kagami will take it. He feels the cold-prickle-shhhh-shiver of Orochimaru’s magic, and ducks on instinct. He’s not surprised when a blast of fire flies over him, or the yelp of both Fae creatures as they scramble away from the flame. Idly, Kagami notes it’s blue, but then he’s too busy running in the opposite direction to note much more.

Neither he nor Orochimaru are concerned by stealth anymore; clearly the jig is up and was always up since, you know, Wild Hunt. There is but one choice, and only one: to go sprinting through the underbrush at top speed (or rather, at a fast stumble) and keep firing the most destructive magic they know at whomever crosses their path and dodging the magic sent their way, plus or minus Heavenly Dog. Heavenly Wolf. Whatever. It’s not like they need to worry about permanently hurting anyone they come across, since one group is immortal and the other is … immortal. Huh. Tonight has been wild on the things Kagami thought he knew for a fact. Maybe he should have Orochimaru research immortality for his senior thesis….

Orochimaru pulls them both into the boughs of a particularly ancient oak with a fancy twist of air magic, bringing them safely out of the reach of snapping wolf jaws. “We’re - ,” there’s a crackle of lightning and Kagami tackles Orochimaru flat to the wood as the bolt flies through where their heads had last been. “We’re not good, Four Almighty.”

Orochimaru snarls as lightning strikes the tree proper and shakes it violently. “Kagami, hold still.” He startles then feels the distinct feel of cold-prickle-shhh-shiver and his headache alleviating. Ooooh, healing magic. Magic fingers.Kagami could sigh with relief.

“When did you learn healing magic?”

“One of my closest friends is a prodigy healer. Where do you think?” Right, pissed off Orochimaru is snarky. Must remember. Kagami isn’t going to complain, because his head feels clearer than after a 4 coffee morning and it’s a minor miracle. He opens his mouth, only to be cut off, “No I will not be doing this regularly. Deal with your caffeine addiction like a normal person.” then Orochimaru launches into a complex series of hand seals and Kagami takes that as his cue to be cute and distracting.

“Hey~, Mr. Wild Hunt. Are you looking for little old me?” He calls innocently into the shadowy forest. “Wolfy?” Kagami almost misses the nearly silent exhale Wolfy breathes next to his ear, but does manage to stick his hand in Wolfy’s mouth just in time to feel it so it all works out anyways. He never knew that such a massive, powerful animal could look so startled, but then again, Kagami is also technically a member of an apex predator species and he’s definitely surprised to find his hand in a mouth unexpectedly. They make awkward eye contact, and carefully Kagami extracts his hand from Wolfy’s mouth. “Let’s never speak of this again,” he intones solemnly, and he’d swear Wolfy agrees.

The forest around them rings with the sound of spells and shouting, but the bubble around the two of them is uncomfortably silent. Kagami likes to think they’re each trying to figure out where to go from here, because what does one do after they stick their hand in someone else’s mouth without prior consent? Is there some protocol after removing one’s hand? He’s probably already missed his window to apologize, and now the situation is stuck.

Kagami’s about to ask how Wolfy’s finding the weather when he’s saved by Hidan and Kazuku bursting through the tree-line in a flurry of scythe and magic, swiftly followed by the Wild Hunt wielding guns and military-grade spells. It takes some creative dodging of what looks like a particularly well-executed evisceration magic, ducking of a three bladed scythe, and fleeing-for-his-life-ing of bullets - which, huh, Wild Hunt must have gone modern, who would’ve thunk it - to get away. For a given value of “get away”, since he’s muddy, covered in leaf litter, being chased by a massive wolf (though, Wolfy seems to be playing with Kagami and trying to eat Hidan and/or Kazuku, and that’s a small comfort really), the Wild Hunt (also aiming to kill Hidan and/or Kazaku, whomever’s more open), and Hidan and Kazuku (one of whom is bellowing about sacrificing Kagami to Jashin-sama to free him from his irrational fear of death, and the other of whom is hissing about Kagami being necessary for getting the ransom). This is also discounting the various tree roots, rocks, and …other things Kagami bolts over. The less noted about those the better.

He’s about to dart over a river-creek-moving body of water thing when he sees shapes surface from the middle of the river. Fire God’s Fury, weren’t Fae supposed to be unable to cross running water? Or was Kagami confusing them with the undead? In any case it didn’t matter, because Orochimaru finally finished his overly-complex set of hand seals and the world turned to smoke and ash and roaring flames as far as the eye could see.

Not that it seems to bother the water Fae. Kagami flails and backtracks back towards the chaos of the pursuing vanguard since he has no burning desire to experience the hospitality of the Fae now or ever. Running for so long has left him a little winded, but hey, there’s nothing like getting in a bit of adrenaline-fueled cardio in the afternoon. Plus the leaping, evading, sending spells blasting off in every which direction, and avoiding the general mayhem is easier said than done, even if the Wild Hunt are doing their level best not to hit him. Or hit Wolfy, who’s been following him like a cat playing with a mouse, and Kagami feels especially hunted - Wolfy seems to be herding him, but that can’t be right because wolves are not sheepdogs. Really, all the near-misses of nipping and circling is unnecessary. Can’t he just run for his life in peace? Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so, because he’s just ducked Hidan’s electrically-sparking scythe - no clue if that’s because it’s actually electric or simply electrically-conductive - and managed to stumble his way out of the firefight with minimal physical damage. His magic pools are running low- he’s not a monster like Cousin Madara or Professor Senju - but that’s okay because that will fix itself with enough time and rest. And then he rests his eyes on what is possibly the most horrific sight today. This time his shriek is shrill. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Orochimaru perks up from where he’s pinning a very twitchy white-haired Fae to the trunk of a tree. “Oh good, you’re here.” Still, he makes no move to release the Fae and Kagami curses whatever God decided that he needed a Minion like this.

The Fae makes desperate eye contact while trying to maintain the maximum amount of distance between himself and Orochimaru, “Please get him off of me.” That was clearly begging. An extremely powerful Fae is begging.

“But I haven’t finished seducing you.” Orochimaru purrs. Even worse then Kagami initially suspected. Wolfy begins to sidle away with a confused whine but stops and whines even harder, ears flat, clearly conflicted. Kagami is similarly conflicted, since on the one hand, this is horrifying beyond all reason and is completely inappropriate, yet on the other hand he wants to claw his eyes out and unsee this scene with prejudice. Unfortunately, there is only one correct answer.

“Four Almighty, this is sexual harassment. This is so much sexual harassment.” Kagami fists his hand in Orochimaru’s collar and pulls him off the Fae. “I’m so sorry about this, I promise he was raised better than this.” Then to Orochimaru as Kagami shakes him, “What in the Twelve Hells possessed you to think that was okay?” The Fae looks traumatized - Kagami hadn’t known you could traumatize ageless beings who hunted people down in various gruesome ways for fun; he really hoped there wouldn’t be a complaint lodged with HR at the University. Given his luck, there would be.

Orochimaru looks unrepentant, “But it worked! It bought just enough time for you to come without him messing with the seal.”

“That doesn’t make it better!” Then Orochimaru’s response processes, and then Kagami has to double check that he heard that correctly. Suspicion colors his tone, “What seal.” It does not escape his notice that the Fae and Wolfy are sidestepping away as if they’re both insane and liable to go bonkers at any moment. He can’t decide if that’s good or bad - on the one hand, they’re too insane for the Wild Hunt, on the other, they’re too insane for the Wild Hunt. Kagami clearly needs to rethink his life choices.

Orochimaru beams, “This one!” Then there’s a massive burst of magic and the world turns into a whirling light tunnel.

“There are so many things I want to say, I have no idea where to begin.” There is a distinct air of resignation to Professor Senju’s tone, and Cousin Madara preemptively left 15 minutes ago to get medicines to combat both of their growing headaches. “The idea that you’d encountered Fae, the fact you ran from the military - and incidentally caused an International Incident, by the by, it was on the news- of not one, but two different countries, the fact you,” He glares over his steepled fingers at Orochimaru, “thought sexual harassment was a viable path for a distraction, or that you used a seal for travel.”

“It worked!” Orochimaru throws his hands up in defeat, then stalks out of the kitchen. His snake remains curled happily on top of the still warm rice cooker, flicking it’s tongue out at intervals.

Kagami exchanges a Look with Professor Senju, before saying, “The department is doing a refresher course on sexual harassment in a week, I already signed him up.” He has a spoon whirl between the oil poaching eggs cooking sous vide to make sure they’re not sticking together, then fishes out the seaweed from the drawer. “And in all fairness, the seal did transport us elsewhere. Just not where we expected to go.” He tastes the rice, before adding a dash of sugar. “What’s this about the news?”

Professor Senju just groans.

The seal has some of its intended effect in that they’re transported from point A through space to point B. Though given that Point B ends up being smack into a tree several hundred feet above ground, it’s a mixed bag.

The nausea it causes isn’t ideal either. But hey! It worked! They’re not dead or lost to the space-time continuum! This is a win for Experimental and Theoretical Magic! With a little tweaking it’d be fine!

“Where were you aiming for?” Kagami asks in between retching. It’s a small comfort that Orochimaru is also retching and green.

“I was supposed to aim?” Right Orochimaru is no longer allowed to transport them anywhere.

“You didn’t pay attention in the lab meeting regarding the Teleportation seal?” If Kagami weren’t already alarmed he would be now. The lab meeting had only been preliminary, after all, and had only reviewed the basics of a Teleportation seal, or rather what remnants had been found and pieced together from ancient sealing treatises. That seal hadn’t been complete, and yet apparently Orochimaru tried to use it.

“I usually tune out the lab meetings.” And that explains a lot. Kagami knew Orochimaru couldn’t be taking such detailed notes, the slippery little worm.

Kagami really can’t wrap his brains around the fact Orochimaru used an unknown seal on live human subjects. “You could have killed us.” An unfinished seal, was a surefire way to die.Not to mention entirely unethical. Was this actually one of the Twelve Hells and Kagami just didn’t know? It might be, since everything due … left is scrub. Were any of the Twelve Hells scrub land?

Orochimaru winces as he twists onto his back. “I doubt I could get it to work again - Idon’t have enough magic left to try it again, and a few magic pathways ruptured in trying to get the seal to function.” Kagami winces at that proclamation. The only one of the two of them who had any clue how to do basic first aid was the one who was injured, with ruptured magic pathways, and Kagami has no clue where they are. It’s nearly nighttime, though, and Kagami has been forced through enough wilderness survival training camps/simulations/exercises by his relatives to be competent at navigating them via the stars.

He fishes through the pack that’s miraculously stayed with them, mostly intact. “Here, have a sandwich and water. It should help some. Slowly.” It would go a long way to dealing with magic replenishment, but not if it was just vomited back up again. Rule One and all that. He digs around some more and finds a bag of candy. Oh good, ginger flavored - great of anti-nausea. “Suck on this too.” Kagami popped a piece himself, for the ginger and the sugar content. Neither of them had eaten since breakfast, and it shows by the way his stomach growls. If he’s hungry then Orochimaru must be as well. Kagami takes a moment to peer over the edge of the branch they landed on.

It’s not too far down to the ground, not if he uses a few well placed bursts of air to slow his descent into something more manageable. There look to be some edible berries, and since Kagami has no clear idea of how long it will take them to get back to some form of civilization, it’d be best to gather some and save the snacks they had brought for if they ran out of edible foods. The act taxes his magic pools, but not noticeably enough given his magic’s already depleted state. At least he’s not completely exhausted like Kagami suspects Orochimaru is, no matter that the teen is trying to play it off like he’s got something left. Orochimaru isn’t finished growing, and so long as his body is in flux, so are his magic pools. They’ll even out eventually, and probably into the upper end of the spectrum, but for now they’re still developing.

There’s a glut of blackberries, but Kagami avoids them. Fae fruit are suspect, and he doesn’t need another set of Fae on their case at the moment. He whispers an old rhyme to appease them anyways, because who even knew what rules ruled interactions the Fair Folk anymore if they were going around with guns - gunmetal had iron in it, right? A few meters away he finds a large strawberry bush, the berries brilliant red and ripe. Good fortune, which Four know they need more of. He fills his two handkerchiefs, and the already emptied sandwich container before eating his own fill of the berries. He knows they’re a stopgap measure at best - the terrain is rugged, and there probably isn’t much by way of travel options beyond “on foot”. With that in mind he pulls up some dandelion greens, and nettle greens nestled in among the branches of the strawberry bush and eats a handful. Mmmm iron.

It’s only when he hears the low telltale hiss of an agitated snake does Kagami freeze. He knew he was forgetting something important; strawberry bushes attract snakes. Okay, that’s not necessarily true, but for all intents and purposes of this situation, Kagami is going to simplify into ‘strawberry bushes attract snakes’. Damnation of sulphur and ash.

“Hello little one.” And now Orochimaru is involved. Professor Senju and Hiruzen would gang up and kill him dead, reanimate him, then kill him dead again if their precious prodigy is even slightly injured; Kagami is afraid to think of what would occur if Orochimaru dies out here. “And what’s your name?” He’s cooing at a snake. A - Kagami checks the shape of the purple reptile’s head - probably venomous species of snake. Fire God’s flaming balls.

Kagami eyes where Orochimaru is petting the wild snake, then at the dandelion greens. He’s absolutely sure those are dandelion greens and not hallucinogenic, but he hasn’t been bitten by a snake - and snake species native to Hi no Kuni don’t have venom that cause hallucinations. His eyes drift skyward, only to be met by twilight still. So either he’s hallucinating realistically, or this is reality. Kagami will take the hallucination, thank you very much.

Orochimaru and the purple snake stare at Kagami judgmentally, which isn’t fair because hallucination snakes don’t get to be judgemental. “Why not?” And the snake speaks. Thanks brain.

“It’s not the little one, Kagami.” It knows his name. It knows his name. What. How. Why. Even Orochimaru looks surprised, so win for hallucination.

“Kagami.” That’s an alerting-warning tone if Kagami ever heard one, and he turns to look behind him, where Orochimaru’s eyes are fixed.

He makes eye contact with a massive black snake, one who’s easily as thick around as a tree trunk and could easily fit Kagami in it’s mouth if it chose to. And now it’s laughing. Why is it laughing. Kagami wasn’t built to deal with hallucination snakes laughing at him. Can he quit this adventure in favor of fleeing back to the University and Professor Senju’s lab? It was safe there, or at least it lacked hallucinogenic agents that weren’t properly labeled with warnings.

“Greetings, Honored One. This one calls himself Orochimaru, and this one Kagami. May we be honored with what you are called?” Pros of Orochimaru and his obsessive compulsive need to know everything- he’s got a surprisingly good grasp of the classic tales.

“This one is called Kuroda. The little one is called Manda. And I know your names human.” The tone is amused, and has an odd double timbre to it that echoes around Kagami’s skull, all the way back to the very recesses of his lizard-hindbrain.

It clicks faster for Kagami than Orochimaru, feat of feats. “You’re a telepathic Celestial Snake.”

“Indeed. You’re much faster on the uptake than most humans.” The last bit is tinged with idle curiosity-noted-respect. “You must have been well taught as a child. Rare these days.”

With good reason, because Celestial Snakes are currently thought to be tiny (comparatively to the massive snake in front of them) tree dwelling snakes in the coastal forests of Uzu no Kuni and a tiny part of Hi no Kuni that ate birds and other small creatures and prized for their rainbow scales. The whole telepathic and massive thing was supposed to be just legend; then again, Kagami’s met not one, but two, count ‘em two Immortals and more Fae than he can count in the last 24 hours so this doesn’t surprise him at all. Not even the slightest bit.

“Honored Kuroda, can we request your assistance? We are far from home and would like to go back.”

Kuroda raises himself up to squint down at Orochimaru, who is standing tall and composed before the Celestial Snake. “You are strange little human. Your soul is something cold, yet warm, deadly and safe to those you love, a thing that squeezes tight and sinks it’s fangs in deep and does not let go. A snake-souled little human if there ever was one.”

“I am honored by your words, Honored Kuroda of the Celestial Snakes.” Orochimaru bows neatly.

Kuroda continues as if Orochimaru had not spoken at all. “I think I shall have Manda stay with you to see what you become, snake-souled Orochimaru. He knows the way back to human civilization, and will lead you there. Travel well, little humans.” Kuroda must have deemed the conversation over, because he turned his huge body around the tree and disappeared into the encroaching twilight.

“You thought you hallucinated a snake.” Cousin Madara paused where he was shaking out pills from the bottle that proclaimed it to be ‘migraine strength!’ anti-headache medicine, then shook out two more apiece for himself and Professor Senju. Awwww, significant others taking care of each other. Reminds Kagami of his parents being lovey-dovey and taking care of one another.

“A massive Celestial Snake, yes.” He pauses in forming the rice ball, neatly packaging it in a strip of seaweed, before plating it before Orochimaru. A smaller rice ball with more egg and less curry is placed in front of Manda. “I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t a hallucination though.”

Orochimaru strokes Manda’s head, offended. “But Manda is real and took us to Yu no Kuni.”

“And how. I never heard Manda speak. For all I know he’s a normal snake.” Manda bares his fangs in an obvious threat display, affronted. Probably. In any case, Kagami gives him another rice ball.

Orochimaru rolls his eyes, “Kagami, he’s telepathic. He was talking to me the whole way. How else did we find that multi-terrain vehicle?”

“Luck? I had strawberries!”

Cousin Madara swipes some rice balls, and gives half to Professor Senju before digging in. “So what’s this about Yu no Kuni, and would it have anything to do with why half of its hot springs district is demolished.”

Kagami and Orochimaru share a Look. “The Hot Springs Destruction was entirely the fault of the Wild Hunt and the Yu no Kuni military. We just happened to be there.”

By dint of winning rock-paper-scissors, Orochimaru gets to drive when they stumble across the jeep. Or Manda leads them to the jeep. Whichever makes the most sense, since Kagami hasn’t heard a peep from the supposedly asshole snake. Kagami takes a minute to demonstrate how to hotwire the car, but after that it’s all Orochimaru. It’s not like anyone’s around to call them out on the fact that Orochimaru doesn’t have a learner’s permit, and there’s no one around to crash into or injure, both important when teaching a beginner driver. This is a proper, normal learning experience and Kagami is willing to let his Minion have it. Plus, it’s nighttime and this can count as his nighttime driving experience! It’s a three-for-one!

It’s also easier to navigate when he can stick his head out the roof and call out directions instead of having to keep pausing and rechecking directions. Though the point of that is rendered moot by Manda who is supposedly telling Orochimaru what to do - Kagami hasn’t heard a word out of the snake. At least so far, though, he and the snake are in agreement - they’re in western Hi no Kuni and headed to Yu no Kuni because that’s the closest site of civilization. Also, least likely to be suspicious of their lack of passports and the easiest way to reorient themselves into the direction of the University.

On top of it all, Kagami found a massive wad of cash in the glove compartment, and it’s more than enough for a swanky inn for the night, including baths, and dinner. He knows he has enough grime, leaf litter, and other associated muck on him that a bath would be glorious.

The moon and stars are bright and light their path, so they make good time. It’s a little past 1 am (according to the probably wrong car clock) when they finally pull into the hot springs district of Yu no Kuni. The town is still bustling with activity, so they blend in seamlessly, for a given value of seamless. Some people look at him scandalized, as if he’s done something terribly illegal by tromping through the town disheveled and dragging his younger companion (also bedraggled) behind him, but it’s usually people who look like tourists rather than residents of the town.

First things first, though. Kagami leads the way into a small clothing shop, since he’s fairly sure neither of their outfits can be salvaged. They’re going to need a first aid kit too, and then a hot meal and a bath. Actions one and two are completed quickly, and so is checking into a nice looking inn. The innkeep directs them to the baths, saying dinner will be delivered after they’ve had their fill of the mineral rich waters. “Ahhhh, there’s nothing like a bath,” Kagami sighs happily as he pushes open the door between the dressing room and the baths proper, towel tucked neatly around his hips. He cleans off dutifully at the provided showers and stools, scrubbing away the accumulated grime and dirt from his hair and skin, humming happily. It was such an underrated luxury, to be clean. Orochimaru, with his long hair, will take longer and Kagami leaves him to it.

The baths are sparsely populated at this time, with only a handful of other patrons lounging in the bath. The steam rising from the water occludes their faces, giving a nice hint of privacy, and Kagami gratefully slips into the hot water. The sounds of the night are muted, the laughter and noise of the crowd still on the streets dulled by the high walls surrounding the baths, the only discernable noise is … giggling? Kagami tries to tune it out, return to relaxing and letting the stress of the past day flow out of him, but the giggle rises in volume, and sounds…. Close?

His eyes fly open -who the fuck giggles late at night like a perverted child flipping through a skin mag when sane people are trying to relax? - and Kagami whirls to confront the hooligan, temper snapping. “Oi, knock it off, or by the Small Lords I’ll make you.”

His eyes meet Jiraiya’s startled (and guilty?) ones, then move to the notebook Jiraiya’s clearly been scribbling in, then the hole in the partition between the men’s and women’s baths. “Are you peeping?!” It’s just Kagami’s luck that the quiet murmurs around them fall silent just as he speaks. In the blink of a moment there’s chaos, screams of outrage and terror filling the space. Someone on the women’s side - someone with spectacular aim - lobs over a stool, then a tub, then a rock, and each misses Jiraiya by centimeters as he scrambles out of the space.

Orochimaru sighs from where he was just slipping into the bath. “By the Four and the Heavenly Courts, Jiraiya.” He gets up and rewraps his towel, disappearing into the misty after his erstwhile friend. Kagami decides it might be best to leave the area, since he knows that look on his Minion. Someone’s going to be eviscerated, and it’s still a 50-50 split on if it’s going to be verbal or physical. Getting viscera in his hair right after he just got clean is not a pleasant thought.

A massive stone splashes violently into the bath from across the barrier - someone on that side must have a terrifying temper - tossing Kagami about like a toy boat caught in the currents of the Nanako. He headbutts straight into a well developed pectoral, and he’s about to apologize, but - “Hey I know that bicep!” Just to be sure though he feels it up, and yup, he’s encountered that particular bicep before. Now, just where -?

That particular question is answered quickly when Kagami ends up pinned by the throat to the side of the bath. “Oi! Heathen, ready to be sacrificed the Jashin-sama?” Oh good. Immortal One, Hidan. And where one immortal is, there’s bound to be - ayup, Immortal Two, Kazuku. They both look terrible, a mess of stitched over wounds, bruises, scabbed over cuts and burns plus or minus what look like bullet holes.

There is only one recourse and that is to scream. Screaming in bath houses drew attention, and not of the good kind, and for good reason. No one wanted a pervert preying on someone in a bath. Hidan drops Kagami like he’s hotter than burning and starts quickly paddling away, but not quickly enough. One of the men at the other end stands, “Hey you! What were you doing?!” He’s built like a brick shithouse and is coming this way like a bull rampaging.

Kagami takes the quickly escalating altercation as an opportunity to go fishing around his toiletries tub, thanking whatever God is looking out for him that he stuck a few disintegration seals in there prophylactically. He’s just about to pick one out from the bottom when he hears Kazuku loom up behind him. “We meet again Kagami Uchiha.”

Sweet Flame of Heaven, could that man be any more menacing? Kagami turns rigidly, hoping that the Immortal won’t notice the crumpled wad of sealing paper in his fist, “Ah-hahaha, fancy meeting you here Kazuku! Are you enjoying your soak?” Please please let societal conventions trap him like it had Hidan.

Kazuku’s face veil hides any visible reaction beyond the narrowing of his eyes. “Better having found our missing ransom prisoner. I’m afraid I must insist you return.” Kazuku clamps a hand on Kagami’s shoulder, fingers digging in painfully. “We’re awaiting quite a sum of money in exchange for you. Pity no one specified ‘living’, though.” And there came the creep-factor. A+ Mr. Immortal.

Kagami pretends to mull it over as he rises to his feet. “Just out of curiosity, how much am I worth?”

Kazuku’s taken aback. “What?”

“How much am I worth? Like, how much money are you expecting to get for me? I’m not a prodigy like my Minion, I’m not famous or rich, and I’m not paid all that much so I’m not someone with a massive net worth or anything. I can’t imagine anyone I know having the money to pay a ransom, except Minion and he probably wouldn’t because I’m pretty sure he’s not all too fond of me and is probably lulling me into a false sense of security so that when he finally decides that I’m of some specific use, he can play up the ‘favorite Minion’ angle and get away with whatever he needs, probably something entirely unethical, immoral, and/or illegal. It’s a toss up at this point. Either that or he thinks I’m a hilarious bumbling fool and is humoring me for comedic effect. In any case, he wouldn’t pay a ryo for me; nor would Uncle Setsuna cause he’s an asshole. All in all, I’m really not sure that you could’ve asked for all that much money, so I have to ask, how much am I worth? And is all the hassle of kidnapping me really worth the pittance you’re going to get?” Kagami hopes his nervous sweat is taken instead to be water from the bath. He’s only got one shot at this, and keeping Kazuku on the back foot with his anxious babble is imperative.

“Aah- that is- Um, how should I say -,” Kazuku is frantically trying to think up something complimentary, and Kagami moves. The seal slaps down onto wet skin and adheres as Kagami forces magic through. Black veins scrawl out like a spiderweb of death over Kazuku’s silent scream of pain until they’ve covered the entirety of Kazuku in ink, and then with a underwhelming puff disintegrated into dust.

Kagami sets fire to the ashes just in case - Immortals. One more thing to add to the list of traumatic incidences of the week, but on the bright side he’s got another functioning seal to patent. This one is all his, too!

He trots towards the exit, hoping that Muscles McMuscley over there can keep Hidan occupied, but has no such luck when Hidan gets thrown across his path into the decorative stone wall. Experimental and Theoretical Magic holds that any result could be due to random chance, so repeated testing is necessary. Kagami looks at his spare seals, and goes for broke with a shrug. He’s already offed one person today, might as well go for broke and collect the set. Hidan puffs off without so much as a farewell, and Kagami immolates his ashes too. For symmetry, and poetic justice. Unfortunately, it does nothing to fix the damage caused to the bath from the violent response to Jiraiya peeping, but Kagami is not responsible for that in any way shape or form. Things are looking up, finally.

Almost immediately he has to reverse that opinion. The white-haired Fae is trapped in the entrance, Wolfy-less, by Orochimaru and Manda. The poor man - Kagami hopes the Fae is male, but really doesn’t want to go ask about gender and pronouns of the Fae since it’s really not his area of study - looks like he’s been through the wringer and then some, but also like he’s humoring Orochimaru who’s looking interested in all the worst ways; Kagami has to sympathize. A swift kick to Orochimaru’s butt fixes the situation nicely. “Minion! No sexual harassment in the the baths!”

“Ah, no it’s fine, really we just bumped into one another -,” The Fae cuts himself off, then quickly does a double take at Orochimaru, then Kagami. “You’re the pair from the forest.”

“And you’re Wild Hunt.” Kagami hurriedly ducks into the pants and shirt he’d laid out. “How’s Wolfy? I know things are still awkward about the whole ‘mouth’ thing, but can you apologize for me? Wolfy was pretty cool when he wasn’t trying to eat me.”

“Wild Hunt? What mouth thing?” The Fae is perplexed, but shakes himself from it quickly. “Never mind that, you’re both wanted by the military. Stop!”

“Oh, would you look at the time. We’ve got things to do, place to be, we should catch up some other time! See ya!” Kagami flashes the Fae a peace sign, then exits the room. He’s halfway down the hall when he hears the thunder of many feet pounding across the wooden floors behind him. Kagami bolts out back onto the streets, which are still crowded, and ducks around groups carousing drunkenly in the streets. Thank the Four for tourist destinations, this would never work anywhere else.

He sees Orochimaru and Manda slip into the mouth of an alley, and follows. Just in time, as the mass of (uniformed! Since when do they have uniforms?!) people dash past. Some straggle behind, flashing badges and questioning drunks in the street. Orochimaru peers out, then starts digging through the pack. “Here, I think I can wrangle a disguise together, but you’re not going to like it.” Manda peeks out from where he’s acting like a hair tie for Orochimaru’s impromptu ponytail.

Kagami stares at the assorted items Orochimaru has pulled out, and has a sinking feeling.

“Does this explain the … outfits?” Cousin Madara asks around a bite of ice cream.

Kagami has to take offense, because they look great. Arresting even. “ You’re just angry you can’t pull something like this off.”

Orochimaru lays back and kicks a leg out like a pinup girl, crossed at the knee and everything, like it’s Exhibit A in their defense. Manda hisses, but Manda is biased and can be bought with egg yolk treats, so it might just be him begging for more food. Kagami obliges him either way.

“This still doesn’t explain the destruction of the hot springs.” Professor Senju prompts around a spoonful of coffee ice cream.

“The clothing - is- was rather integral to that. Still not our fault though, for want of us not doing much magic flinging.”Orochimaru shrugs.

“That’s not no magic flinging.”

“In all fairness, we only had one spell. Is that ‘no magic flinging’? No. But is it ‘town decimation level magic flinging’? Also no.” Cousin Madara opens his mouth, and Kagami slams on the coffee table, “THERE’S NO EVIDENCE BEYOND THE ANECDOTAL YOU CANNOT CONVICT US.”

“Why did you even buy this stuff?” Kagami would like to lodge a protest with whatever court will take it that he is only doing this under duress. Not that he thinks it’s wrong to crossdress, if that’s your thing - and dresses are really comfortable, even though this one is kinda clingy and short- but walking in heels. He is only wearing heels under extreme duress.

“Here, heat the stick bit of this earring.” Orochimaru hands him a pair of dangly earrings. Kagami eyes them, then Orochimaru’s unpierced ears.

“Minion no.”

“I’ve wanted pierced ears anyways. Think of it as teenage rebellion.” Putting it that way helps, especially the bit where Orochimaru has him shove hot metal through his ears. Kagami considers the studs left in the pack of earrings, but ultimately decides against it for want of a mirror and stability. Seriously, he’s standing still and wobbling like a newborn fawn.

Orochimaru pauses from where he’s sweeping on dramatic purple eyeshadow, lone bracelet sliding down his forearm, “Give me a minute, then we’ll sneak out.”

“Remember, the game plan is drunk. Just until we get to the outskirts of town.” He once overs their appearance in a puddle, then has the hike the top of his dress higher. The lack of straps wasn’t doing him any favors, especially given the fact that raising the top meant raising the hem, and there was no way to make it non-scandalous. He looks at Orochimaru’s much more conservative dress, with it’s sleeves and leggings, and calls shenanigans. “This was rigged, wasn’t it.”

Orochimaru links their arms at the elbow, then sniffs, “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” before they stumble out into the street. The soldiers give them a wide berth since two underage looking drunk girls is a recipe for a career ending headline should someone snap a badly staged photo, and Kagami gets a good look at their badges when he stumbles into one of the younger looking ones. Who knew Yu no Kuni had an active offensive military - last time he checked, they supposedly only had a defensive branch.

All things considered though, the disguises work well. Entirely too well, as they stumble “drunkenly” into the woods. It’s nearing dawn, and they’ve been traveling across the Elemental Nations for almost a full day, they’re Four knows how far from home, and there are crows. Too many moving to count, though Kagami does try, because that old rhyme hasn’t steered him wrong yet. Orochimaru starts poking at some half moss covered rock, then starts digging.

He stops counting when he feels a rush of magic - the size and quantity that makes people nervous when it’s not in a controlled environment. “Minion - “

Then he sees the dog. Wolf. Massive Canis Whateverus. “Fire God’s flames.”

Orochimaru looks proud, “The control seal works. Guess you have something to patent and sell for a lot of money to the military after all.” What. Right. What they set out to do. That thing. Somehow it feels tawdry, like it pales in comparison to the journey, but considering that had immortals and Fae and shooting and massive telepathic hallucination snakes and sky high heels… maybe it’s because it’s anticlimactic? Now whatever life lesson about messing with the forces of life and death, and the role of humans in the vastness of the cosmos, trying to take the easy way out, the value of thinking before acting - whatever he was supposed to be learning and internalizing - has become moot. He would have been successful even if they hadn’t been caught in the original graveyard, only with less property damage and displacement. Does that fact mean anything? Is it the journey, not the result that’s ultimately worth something, something better than financial stability and security? “Kagami, now is not the time for a meditative trance.”

“What? Oh. Right.” Kagami scrambles up behind Orochimaru on the back of the … let’s just call it a dog. “Time to head home?”

“Time to head home.” Poor Manda yawns and uncircles himself before draping himself like a particularly scaled scarf around Orochimaru’s shoulders. The eyeshadow - sharp like winged eyeliner, or whatever Cousin Mikoto likes to proclaim - and Manda match, for a given value of all purples match, and Kagami is struck by a wandering thought.

“Hey, Orochimaru - “

“Kagami. Duck.”

“What duck?” Kagami whirls about on the gently trotting Reanimated dog. Then he sees. “Oh.” And promptly ducks.

The flaming boulder is large, surprisingly so for Yu no Kuni, which according to legend (and famously) repurposed all its rocks for bathhouses. It still misses by a wide enough margin to be called a warning shot, though, which is a consternation best left for another time since the dog freaks out. It bounds into the town, leaping over buildings and landing neatly in streets as waves of magic buffet them - first an earthquake hemming them in on one side, a wall of fire bearing down on them from due north, a gust of hurricane force gales from above, and Kagami is just waiting for the tsunami of water as he hangs onto the patchy fur of their ride as it bounces around in what might generously be called evasive maneuvers. He tries not to think about the mass destruction such massive spellworks must be leaving, or that he’s still too low on magic to do anything about it. Also, considering that even a most basic shielding spell needs at least two other people (besides himself), he’s still up a creek about stopping the military from wrecking up their people and country’s main source of income. Kagami hopes they have good insurance.

He stops caring for things outside his gastrointestinal tract around the time they smash a tank - which is painted a completely different design than the Yu no Kuni uniforms, so it might a completely different group, fun - ,though, since he’d rather not given his minion blackmail leverage from puking all over him. Also Manda is in the way, probably would take offense at getting human digestion peristalsis’d all over him, and is still probably highly venomous besides. Kagami decides that focusing on breathing would probably be best and leaves the heavy duty stuff to Orochimaru. It’ll probably be more appreciated long term.

Maybe he should invest in an anti-motion sickness charm - it might be useful to have on hand, especially given recent events. “Oh, for the Air God’s sake,” Kagami vaguely makes out Orochimaru grumbling caustically, then his world goes black.

“In all fairness, you were projecting quite loudly according to Manda, and making you go to sleep saved us all the hassle of having to clean up vomit.” Orochimaru shrugs unrepentantly, “I’m not sure why you’re complaining, we got back to the University in one piece.”

“Doesn’t mean you couldn’t have asked. Also, there is no way you had enough magic to pull off the Reanimation, power the control seal, and knock me out.”

Professor Senju sighs, resigned, “Not if his current research project is magic storage in crystalline structures.” Orochimaru waves regally, showing off the stone bead bracelet he had pulled on around the time of their outfit change.

Kagami has never felt more betrayed in his life. “You are an awful awful person and I hope you get caught in shady business and end up in the weirdest situation you could ever hope to imagine,” he informs Orochimaru candidly. “And when that transpires, I will laugh in your face.”

Cousin Madara takes a hard swig of the brandy bottle Professor Senju had unearthed. “So this is how you ended up on the run from international law enforcement, the military of Hi no Kuni, and the military of Yu no Kuni. Yet you came here why?”

“Oh that’s easy. We need an alibi. And to patent the seals. Uh, plus we may have broken into the Registrar’s office.”

Omake:

“So, who all bet against Tsunade’s bet?” The show of hands was depressing. No one would have any reason to suspect that the regular goings on of a Friday night would make international headlines, much less cause International Incidents.

Hikaku read the bet slip.‘There will be wild adventures by persons in this pool that cause an international incident tonight.’ Innocuously phrased, yet almost prophetic.

“All in favor of banning Tsunade Senju or any proxies from betting in any future pools, raise your hand?” The show of hands was unanimous.

#sumigakure halloween event 2017 #bonus prompt: grave robbing #or: kagami and orochimaru have an adventure #madatobi #background #i have so many regrets #art writes

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