#or who doesn’t (self-admittedly) actively try to ruin every relationship around him

[sealab420]

if you ever try to interact with me irl I will absolutely try to scalp you do not fucking test me

[shinneth]

SUF as a whole just left me with an empty feeling.

I feel you there, anon. In Dreams aside, I could take or leave the rest of this series (and in most cases, leaning well towards the latter sentiment). 

But I guess that’s to be expected when 90% of SUF focused squarely on Steven’s PTSD and need for therapy and the many, many red flags shown as early on as the beginning that signaled his eventual breakdown to where he ended up in the climax.

Especially with the fanbase itself constantly screeching that Steven needs therapy, Steven has PTSD, Steven’s gonna corrupt, et cetera… like, it was all laid on far too thick. So when we got to Growing Pains, it really didn’t move me like it did so many others because it came off as such a “No shit, Sherlock” moment for me when Priyanka finally addressed the underlying issues the show itself really didn’t even bother trying to be subtle about.

Don’t get me wrong; a lot of people who have suffered (or are presently suffering) from the same problems as Steven irl have been helped a lot by these kinds of episodes, and I do appreciate that.

But from my personal standpoint, yeah… I knew from the start that Steven’s underlying issues alone were not gonna be enough to sustain a full series, and sure enough, it wasn’t. We got to see some bits here and there with the other characters, but we also had a few choice characters be really shitty people in season 5 that never got properly addressed before it concluded, and with the timeskip in SUF, all of that just got handwaved off as “dealt with offscreen”, which is the laziest BS ever. 

And worst of all, at the end, they really didn’t stick the landing well at all. I’ll at least say SUF’s resolution wasn’t the mega levels of offensively terrible as Change Your Mind - but then again, it’s hard to out-do giving totalitarian space dictators with countless lives lost under their watch a fucking FACE-TURN out of nowhere. 

Like, really, the Diamonds’ presence (White especially) in SUF actively made my viewing experience even worse towards the end. Yes, I should be glad they’re establishing that the Diamonds are at least starting to use their powers for good and rebuild some of the lives they ruined.

But, y’know… doesn’t change the fact that they’re all responsible for multiple counts of global genocide. Like, any living creatures native to their colony planets? They’re still fucking gone. And the Diamonds themselves just come off VERY unnatural as “nice” guys - and in many cases, they’re even creepier now than they were as villains. Good god, White’s blubbering in the climax was fucking insufferable, though. 

Partially I think this comes from SU being a “kids show” so there’s this pressing need to end things as cleanly as possible. I’m more miffed that in the end, Steven still got pretty much everything he wanted.

They had some admittedly good set-ups to Steven’s growth, like having him accept that people grow up, change, and move on with their lives. We see the clear evidence that Steven’s got an unhealthy clinginess towards his human friends - and Connie’s no exception. 

And considering they took the time to establish that:

Connie has friends other than Steven. She gets along with them just fine, so it’s not like she’s totally lonely or isolated without him.

Connie is ambitious with many goals and aspirations when it comes to her education and potential career paths. She’s shown to have put a lot of thought into her options and at no point comes off as feeling pressured by her parents or friends into this.

Connie knows she has to work hard and often to achieve her dreams, and despite that rigid lifestyle, it doesn’t seem to bother her in the least. That would imply she really wants to reach these goals she set for herself, whether or not Steven’s in the picture at all.

Connie and Steven’s dynamic is a far cry from how it was when they started out in the original series. You can tell Steven has no clue what Connie’s talking about when it comes to her goals and just plays along, pretending he understands anything coming out of her mouth.

Connie, despite what her speech would lead you to believe, has been every bit as insufferably dense as the gems in SUF when it comes to Steven’s issues. In Bismuth Casual, Steven’s very specifically-worded concerns were misconstrued as a fear of skating (or his inability to, whatever) - and in the end, they just became Stevonnie rather than properly talked things through. You know, something PERIDOT 100% did in the prior episode.

Connie is very firm about wanting to live her life as herself. She’s not against being Stevonnie from time to time, but like hell does she want to be Stevonnie for the long term. 

Connie knows marrying in general at her age is a stupid-stupid-stupid idea, even if it is Steven. And considering her well-established commitment to her studies and reaching her lofty goals, Connie - at least at the time - seemed to know a relationship with anyone just wasn’t in the cards for her at this point in her life. There’s no need to rush that shit, and she won’t compromise her life just to give her needy friend this thing he wants that he doesn’t even fully understand truly is. 

Or, you know… just have Connie backpedal hard on a good chunk of that and date Steven so that he won’t become a monster again. I’m mostly kidding with that - but by kissing his monstrous self and that triggering his restoration, then soon later we see that even though Steven and Connie can only have a long-distance relationship at best, she’s dating him right now anyway even though this needlessly makes her life way more complicated than it needed to be - like seriously, how can I not take that as Canon Connverse being founded on the condition of “Okay, if it’ll keep you from losing your shit, going pink, and turning into a monster, I’ll date you”?!

And in the end it yet again gives Steven more-or-less exactly what he wants, even if it isn’t something he really needs. 

I’m glad Rebecca clarified that Steven would still visit Beach City often, because I had a very hard time buying him just traveling by himself on the road. And maybe it would have worked better if he was just doing it short-term to “find himself” or something along those lines, but nope! They’re basically saying this is what Steven wants to do.

And honestly, even that is dampened with his clearly-stated intention of visiting Connie way more than he intends to visit the gems. Even though Connie’s gonna be busy. With college.

This just… wasn’t a good ending. It had plenty of good moments - his goodbye to Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot especially was very well-executed and the closest this finale came to drawing out any real emotion out of me. I loved the scene of Steven giving Greg his room; that was adorable. The last meeting with Tsundere Jasper was amusing.

But everything else… ehhh.

I mean, what can we really take from this season that I haven’t already outlined? The biggest takeaways were the plot points everyone saw coming a mile away that weren’t even executed all that well. 

In Dreams, as great at is was, might as well have not even happened - because what really carried over from that episode through to the end? Even though Peridot was the only one who got through to Steven, legitimately comforted him and addressed his fears, and the episode for once ended with Steven being happy with no underlying concerns about his problems - immediately he’s back to being awkward and depressed and frustrated by Bismuth Casual.

And I get that shit like trauma shouldn’t be resolved so easily, but for what In Dreams accomplished, I expected there to at least be a semblance of progress. Steven’s known since that episode he can hang out with Peridot and talk to her about whatever without needing a reason to do it, but he never ever takes her up on that again. 

So again, what was the point? 

You really get the impression that the quality of writing took a backseat just to emphasize the symbolism of an issue people commonly have, but SUF’s execution stretched my suspension of disbelief far beyond its limits. 

And nothing stretched that farther than Connie’s insufferable fucking speech in I Am My Monster; that pretty much completely made In Dreams feel like it never really happened in SUF’s continuity. 

In some ways, I just prefer to believe In Dreams was just a dream itself. An AU offshoot in SUF itself. Considering it’s so ridiculously good compared to the other nineteen episodes and by far the most pure and wholesome, maybe that’s the best way to see it. 

In Dreams was too good for its own series. That’s literally the only thing I personally took from SUF as a whole (at least in terms of lasting impact). 

So yeah, I guess for only one episode of twenty to really hit me in the feels, “empty” is an apt way to describe the series, anon. 

Seriously, if I didn’t have my own massive SU-AU to mess around in and do things properly, this probably would have upset me more. 

Instead, I just chuckle at Rebecca’s Monster Steven and raise her to what I’m putting my version of Steven through in my current story. Where I’m pulling all the stops to make other characters matter even though the stars are undoubtedly Peridot and Steven. 

And I’m actually making actions yield serious, lasting consequences.

(yeah, part of me wishes Jasper wasn’t revived - or alternatively, have Steven accidentally shatter White Diamond instead of Jasper since he came awfully close in canon

or even better, shatter Jasper and revive her, then accidentally shatter White and not be able to revive her since Steven used up ALL that diamond essence on Jasper…

yeah I’m kind of a monster)

Your pain is mutually felt, anon. So I’ll prescribe you endless refills of better-written and better-executed SU fanon to heal the emptiness SUF left inside you.

[awesomeswimmingtimemachine]

What Next? (l word gen q fanfic)

Decided to give fanfic a try since quarantine doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. Since I am most impatient for the l word season, Ive created my own continuation of events from the end of the first season. Enjoy :) 

Chapter 1

“Im here”

The crowd turned their heads and a light appeared. Nat was making her way towards the stage. Alice had been telling her guest, Roxanne Gay, that she was a bad queer for trying so hard to be “outside the box”. Alice admitted that she ruined the best relationship she had ever been a part of by adding her partner's ex-wife, Gigi, into the mix. But now, Nat was coming right for her, their eyes had met from across the room. Alice called for the cameras to stop rolling, but Sophie saw the potential of this moment and urged them to carry on. Nat professed her love for Alice and only Alice. The two embraced each other in front of the studio audience and were left happier and more in love than they had ever been.

Meanwhile…

Bette Porter had suffered a devastating loss in her campaign for mayor of Los Angeles. She felt not only the heartbreak of loss, but the disappointment of knowing she would be unable to effect change in her city. However, this was not to be the first heartbreak Bette had suffered, in the days leading up to the decision she had learned that Tina planned to remarry. There was a part of Bette that always believed Tina would find her way home, the two had a tendency to find each other despite what trials of life got in their way. Bette was coming to terms with the fact there would be no way home for her this time. Even for a woman of Bette’s fortitude and resilience, the events of the previous weeks had taken their toll. When the time came, she found herself alone on her couch yearning for peace and quiet.

Angie, never one to see her mom sulk, told her mother grab her shoes because they were going to go for a hike. Bette voiced her reluctance, but eventually gave in to her daughter’s request. Angie took her mom to a spot that she often hiked to after her Aunt Kit passed. Bette, overwhelmed by the moment she was sharing with her daughter, shared her own experience of relief and restoration. She told Angie about a time years ago when she decided to attend a silent retreat. Angie laughed at the mere thought of her mother being silent for an extended period of time. Bette smiled, but then told her of the amazing catharsis that comes with screaming after holding everything in for so long. After a beat, Bette asked, “wanna give it a try?”. Angie smiled and said yes. “Okay, but you have to do it, you have to commit and let it all out”. The two women took deep breaths and then screamed at the top of their longs until there was no more breath left. When they were done, the two looked at each other and embraced, ready to make their way back down the mountain.

As they headed back down the trail, Angie caught sight of a pup that drew her attention. “What a cute dog!” she exclaimed as she knelt to say hello. The owner smiled and then quickly noticed Bette. “Maya?” Bette exclaimed as she noticed the owner. Maya smiled.

“I know I’m supposed to be impartial, but I was pulling for you”

“Thank you” Bette responded with an embarrassed smile. The two exchanged some more pleasantries and, sensing the end of their encounter, Maya asked her if she would like to go to dinner. Bette, assuming she was looking for an inside scoop on the election, quickly rebuffed Maya explaining that she was not ready to make any official comments. Maya smiled and explained that the dinner would be “off the record”. Bette realized she was flirting and was admittedly caught off guard. It's not often she is speechless. “You have my number” Maya said before walking off. Angie and Bette continued on their way, all the while Angie teased her mother about finding “The love of her life.”

Across town…

Shane was packing up a number of baby gifts she and Quiara had been given. Quiara had refused to get out of bed since the miscarriage the day before. Shane wasn't sure how to react or what to do. She felt for Quiara and the loss, but truthfully had a sense of relief. Shane had always been honest with Quiara, kids were not a part of her plan. But when Quiara showed up at her front door professing her love and telling Shane she didn't need her but wanted to be with her, what else could she do? Shane was so in love with Quiara and she was willing to put aside her desires to share a life with her.

Quiara, still reeling from the events, finally made her appearance. Shane could see how broken she looked, and wanted nothing more than to take care of her, but once Quiara saw what she was doing she began to let out her frustrations. Quiara accused Shane of being relieved and happy with the way things turned out. Shane was taken aback, overwhelmed and speechless. She knew nothing she could say would help, but she didn’t need to say anything. Quiara threw her ring at Shane and stormed off. Shane picked up the ring and sat on the floor, trying to understand what had just happened.

“No one is ever going to love you because you are incapable of loving anyone but your fucking self”

The words rang in her mind, repeating themselves, taking a piece of her every time. She couldn’t think about anything else as she sat on the floor clutching the ring. “I need a drink” she said to herself, grabbing her keys and making her way to the jeep. While driving to Dana’s she realized that the last thing she wanted was to be around people. She parked the car in the alley, grabbed a few bottles from her office but decided to drive around a bit to clear her head before heading home. While she was driving she came across a mutt rummaging through some trash on the street. She looked into its sad eyes and felt a connection. She heard the words Quiara had said once more, “incapable of loving anyone but yourself.'' There was a deep ache in her heart, was she broken? She looked out at the lost dog once more and in a moment of desperation led the mutt into her jeep. She looked at him, and he looked back at her with kind eyes. “What the hell am I doing?” she asked herself before driving back home.

Chapter 2

The next morning, Shane was stirred from sleep by the sounds of someone in her kitchen. She sat up in bed, feeling the blood rush to her ears and a headache pounding in behind her eyes. The empty bottles by the bed indicative of her activities the night before. Shane willed herself to get out of bed and make her way towards the kitchen. As she came out of her room she could see Alice.

“You have a dog Shane”

“Yeah Al, I know”

“Why do you have a dog” she asked, emphasizing the word dog, “and where is Quiara?!”

Shane knew she would have to tell Alice what happened eventually, but she pictured herself a little less hungover. Shane poured herself a cup of coffee, seemingly ignoring Alice who was impatiently waiting for answers. Shane, now facing Alice, leaned against the counter before taking a slow satisfying sip of her coffee. Another moment passed before she said it, “Quiara left me..”

Alice stood there, trying not to let how shocked she was show on her face, but not doing very well. Shane continued to sip her coffee while Alice collected herself. “She left you…. And you got a dog?”  she said confused. Shane recounted the night's events, telling Alice only what she needed to know and nothing more. Alice listened attentively, but plopped herself down the couch.  When Shane was done, “wow” was all Alice could manage. Silence hung in the air for a moment before Alice spoke again. “So what's his name?” she asked.

“His name?” Shane responded

“Yeah Shane, dogs have names”

Shane turned to look at the mutt who had chosen a small corner of the kitchen to sleep in last night and was still lying there. His big sad eyes looked up at her, but he did not move. “Dog, his name is Dog” she said in a dismissive manner.

“You can’t fucking name a dog Dog”

“Why not?” Shane asked hungover and a little annoyed by how much energy she had already spent this morning.

“Because Shane, ‘Dog’ is not a name”

Shane turned to face the dog who looked at her again, “okay what about.. Bud”

“Bud?! What are you five?” Alice asked with a slight mocking tone in her voice

“Well I don’t know Al, what am I supposed to name him”

“I don't know!” she responded with a higher tone in her voice, “what about Lou”

“Lou?” Shane asked in a flat tone. Suddenly there was a deep banging noise. She looked over to see the dog had begun to wag his tail. “Lou” she said again and he lifted his head to attention. “OH MY GOD. I’m the fucking dog whisperer” Alice exclaimed causing Shane to roll her eyes and say, “Lou it is.”

Over the next couple of days, Shane spent a lot of time at Dana’s trying her best to keep herself busy. She paid Finley to buy some dog food, a bed and even to walk Lou. Finley was happy for the extra cash and goodies she could swipe from the house.  

Shane had gotten the dog to prove to herself that she could care about someone other than herself, but the truth is she wasn't sure she could. She spent her nights out on the terrace underneath the night sky, trying not to think about Quiara. As she continued to pour the drinks she would begin to think about all the times she had let someone down. Shane had always felt like a disappointment, and had a tendency to be self-destructive. She believed she had outgrown that, but maybe she was just good at hiding it.

And then there was a knock at her front door. Her heart stopped for a moment remembering the last time someone came to her front door at that time of night.

She made her way to the door, but found Lou standing guard. His stance ready and his eyes fixed on the front door. “Stay,” Shane said as she caught a glimpse of who was on the other side. She opened the door to a big smile from Bette. “Hey you,” she said to Shane, catching a glimpse of the dog. “ I hear you are keeping busy these days.” Shane smirked and invited Bette into the house. “Bette, meet Lou.” Bette smiled at the dog and looked back at Shane with concerned eyes.

“Im fine, I promise”

“I know,” Bette said, knowing better than to try and tell Shane what she is feeling.

Bette had brought groceries and proceeded to the kitchen. “I figured you could use a home cooked meal, and I could use a friend. What do you say?” she said, turning to look at Shane as she unpacked the bag. Shane smiled, simply responding with “You want a drink?” The two friends took the time to get into their usual rhythm, allowing the first round of drinks to settle before opening a bottle of wine to have with dinner. They ate their meal with a casual and playful atmosphere, but as the bottle was finished and another opened, the conversation found itself veering into its intended territory.

The two sat across from each other, plates nearly clean and the second bottle of wine half empty. “What happened?” Bette asked, knowing Shane would put up her usual bravado. Shane sighed. “I’m broken,” she responded so matter of factly that Bette was taken aback.

“You are not broken”

“Yeah I am, she was right Bette. I was relieved. I didn't want a kid but I wanted her. I was selfish and she left me because … I’m incapable of love.”

Bette let the words sit there for a moment. “Is that what she told you?” she finally asked. Shane didn’t respond. “Shane, you are not broken. Humans by definition are imperfect and we all have our own tendencies to self-destruct. Me included.” Bette said that last part with a little extra weight. Shane looked at her friend who was so good at putting on a brave face for the world but, ever so often, would let her guard down. She reached across the table and held Bette’s hand. Bette looked up across the table to Shane and managed a slight smile.

“I know you are capable of love because I see the way you love Angie, and she adores you. You are a great friend because you love us and we love you. Don’t let the words Quiara said to you in anger question the beautiful person you are.”

“It's different. Cheri, Carmen, Molly …. Quiara… I always hurt the people who love me, because I am not built to love them back, ” Shane said with defeat in her voice.

“I don't believe that” Bette replied without hesitation. “You loved all of them, but maybe you weren't built to love them the way they wanted to be loved, and that is okay.”

Shane let the words weigh on her for a moment. Silence hung in the air.

“So a dog huh,” Bette said teasingly

Shane sat back and looked at Lou who was laying in bed but watching them attentively.

“How are you holding up?” Shane asked, hoping to change the subject. Bette could see what she was doing, but she pursed her lips and didn’t fight it. “Well Tina is getting married,” she said with the slightest pain in her voice. “I know,” Shane replied, “She asked if she could use Dana’s for her engagement party.” Bette flinched and then sat there for a moment before reaching for the dishes and making her way to the sink. Shane was quiet, watching her, knowing that she would speak when she was ready. Bette hung her head, took a deep breath and turned to face Shane. “She deserves to be happy, even if it isn't with me.” Bette was being honest, but Shane knew this was still hurting her. “We are quite the pair,” Shane remarked as she picked up the remaining dishes from the table and walked them over to the sink. The two women cleaned the kitchen together in silence, working in harmony, each with something weighing on their mind. As she was drying the last plate, Bette broke the silence, “I went on a date a couple of nights ago.”

Shane poured the last bit of wine into her glass and smiled, “With the hot reporter I bet.”

Bette put the plate down in utter disbelief. “How on earth could you possibly know that?” she said almost laughing. She looked over to Shane who had a knowing smile. “Because, I’m me. And she was into you at that campaign event. How was the date?”

[scrawnydutchman]

“There’s Always More Show”; A Bojack Horseman Essay

It’s about time I talked about one of the finest ongoing shows in animation right now. I. LOVE. Bojack Horseman. I must have binged the whole series 5 times at this point, and it’s rare for even my absolute favorite shows to get me to do that. The dialogue is so poignant I have entire exchanges between characters burned into my memory. The jokes and societal commentary are so on point that many lines have gotten me to burst out laughing among company.The characters themselves are so complex, so filled with depth, that they are all well deserving of their own analysis. The writing is SO tight and the storytelling so consistently engaging that I hang onto every little detail. I swear they foreshadow events from as late as season 4 and 5 as early as season 1. Even it’s animation, while admittedly pretty primitive character rigging with a handful of noticeable errors, takes some amazing creative liberty at times, particularly with subjectivity in the drug trips. While the art design has taken a few people off guard for it’s blinding colors and it’s premise has discouraged a less open minded audience with it’s animal-human hybrids living among people, those who stick with the show will get a sophisticated while simultaneously wacky romp that is both the silliest and most real show you can watch right now. So with a show this dense that has characters this deep, there are many themes it tackles such as the perpetual meaninglessness of existence or the pursuit to being a good person, but there’s a more central theme Bojack keeps bringing up which I’d like to talk about.

Oh and, uh, Spoilers incoming for Bojack Horseman . .  . obviously. Get Netflix and watch all of this show right now before reading. seriously. But for those reading who don’t care about spoilers but are interested in what makes Bojack so great and may like to watch it themselves, here’s a brief summary:

Bojack Horseman (played by Will Arnett) Is a horse-man hybrid living out the so called “glamorous” life style in Hollywood, Los Angeles (later called “Hollywoo” in the series for reasons I won’t spoil here). Out of work, out of shape and out of touch, Bojack wastes away his days in sorrow as a past-his-prime actor who goes day to day being disrespected. Back in the 90s he was the star of a very famous “full house”-esque sitcom called “Horsin’ Around” and he longs for the days where he was in the prime of his life, but nowadays he mostly just sits around the house watching old reruns of his show. He constantly struggles with depression, dependancy on narcotics . . . and the ongoing guilt he feels for every shitty thing he’s done in life . . . and as viewers will no doubt find out . . . Bojack has a LOT of baggage. He finds new friends in life like his responsible ghost writer of his memoir Diane Nguyen (played by Alison Brie), his easygoing  freeloader and best friend Todd Chavez (played by Aaron Paul), his happy go lucky Labrador rival Mr. Peanutbutter (played by Paul F. Tompkins) and his workaholic pink cat agent Princess Carolyn (played by Amy Seradis). The show centres around his ongoing relationships with these people as well as their own journeys of self discovery . . . and the occasional wacky schemes. Through his surrounding positive influences can Bojack learn to grow past his personal demons? Or will his shitty tendencies and depressing outlook permanently spoil the lives of the people closest to him like he so often fears?

Spoilers begin NOW

In what is perhaps my favorite episode of the show, episode 6 of Season 5 titled “Free Churro”, Bojack gives an improvised eulogy for his recently deceased mother . . . and that’s it. The episode is just a full 20 minutes of Bojack talking about his dead mom . . . and struggling to find anything positive to say about her. His mom was nothing but cold, hard and abusive to Bojack his entire life and Bojack laments about how he never received a single loving gesture from his mother for as long as he’s known her . . and now that she’s dead that chance is permanently gone. In his ramblings, he mentions an episode of Horsin’ Around in which the writers juice the idea of main cast character Olivia leaving the show for good, only for her to be written back into the status quo, because as Bojack puts it 

“Of course that’s what happened, because what are you gonna do? Just not have Olivia on the show? You can’t have happy endings in sitcoms -- not really -- because if everyone’s happy, the show would be over, and above all else the show has to keep going. There’s always more show. (And) You can call Horsin’ Around dumb, or bad, or unrealistic, but there’s nothing more realistic than that. You never get a happy ending, because there’s always more show.”

That right there sums up the entire ongoing struggle of every character in this show. In many ways, Bojack Horseman the Netflix series is like a typical sitcom turned upside down. You have an ongoing setup of colourful, over the top characters doing outrageous things for our amusement, and in a lot of ways they’re actually terrible people but they’re just SO endearing that we have to keep tuning into their antics. Much like how an average Friends episode is about every titular friend trying haphazardly to cover up a lie for 20 minutes when their problems would so easily be over if they just had the maturity to be honest about how they’re feeling, characters like Bojack, Todd and Mr. Peanutbutter are always up to something silly whether it’s poorly covering up a lie or coming up with elaborate sabotages for selfish ends. But there’s one core difference. In Friends, everybody forgives each other in the end. In the gritty and merciless world of Bojack Horseman . . . every wrongdoing has long term consequences, some of which can never be forgiven. 

Bojack’s antics especially cause permanent stains on his relationships. When he sabotaged Todd’s rock opera by getting him readdicted to a video game so he wouldn’t leave, he permanently makes a wound in his and Todd’s relationship. He only makes it worse when he has sex with Emily, Todd’s best friend and kinda-sorta girlfriend. Todd had faith in Bojack early on in the show, but he makes it apparent later on that the less he has to do with Bojack the better off he is. Todd’s an easygoing friend that can forgive easily, but Bojack really tests his patience. As he said once he found out Bojack had sex with Emily

“You can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay. You need to be better.”

In the luxurious  yet phony and superficial world of Hollywoo, everyone has an outlook on life as if it’s a sitcom. The center of mass produced film and television has everyone believing in achieving against the odds, amending their wrongs in the end and getting satisfying conclusions as if the credits of their very own movie will roll any second. But real life keeps on hitting these characters like a truck, as if to say “there is no happy ending , you aren’t the main character and the harm you’ve caused is permanent. Get used to it.” Bojack gets his hard hitting reality more prominently than anyone. He keeps looking for backdoor solutions to his pain like getting back with Charlotte, starting a new Horsin’ Around spinoff, finding meaning far away from L.A. or straight up finding solace in drugs, but every solution to his search for meaning ends in him hurting somebody else even more. He has to separate the idea from his head that shitty things like nearly sleeping with your old friends daughter is just a wacky sitcom hijinks situation, and that the guilt he feels is just an ongoing conflict he feels every day. He even tries at one point to get forgiveness from his old show writer Herb Kezzaz after betraying him, only to be greeted with Herb saying 

“No. I’m not going to give you closure. You don’t get that. You have to live with the shitty thing that you did for the rest of your life.”

Sometimes Bojack will go to more silly extents for his so desired “happy ending”, like humming his own credits as he embraces Sarah Lynn when she comes out of rehab.

But as screwed up as Bojack is, he’s not the only one who’s mind is warped by the empty promise of a “happy ending”. Diane Nguyen, for as much as she comes off as the moral compass of the show who isn’t afraid to call anyone out for their bullshit, is what I like to call “Bojack lite”. While she’d be grossly offended by the accusation that she’s anything like Bojack, she shares a lot of his toxic traits. Sure, she’s not actively life ruining for anyone, but she has a tendency to harshly criticize people as a means to deflect any criticism towards herself and she often manages to find the negative connotation to even the best of situations. Also, she struggles with getting drunk a lot too, which is often enabled by Bojack. Diane makes a lot of rash decisions in her life hoping she’ll find some sort of “happy ending”. She married Mr. Peanutbutter longing for a simpler, more laid back life for she just settles down with her loving husband. However, unwilling to keep up with Mr. Peanutbutters love for spontaneity and grand gestures, she ends up divorcing him, deciding instead to try and find solace in being her own woman who doesn’t need a mans affection to be happy . .  .but that leaves her empty too. Every time she gets what she asked for, she ends up having to fight all the challenges that go with it, and those challenges end up obscuring her vision of that made her want that thing in the first place. She thinks it’s something wrong with her, like she just can’t ever be satisfied.

“Why can’t I be happy? Am I busted?!”

If we’re comparing each Bojack Horseman character to standard sitcom fare, Mr. Peanutbutter likely comes the closest to fitting the mold of what we expect from a likable television comedy protagonist. Everyone loves him. He’s endearing, he’s funny, he’s sweet. He makes silly mistakes but has a good heart, and even if he does touch some raw nerves along the way he can usually win his audience back with some sort of grand gesture. If Diane is Bojack Lite, then Mr. Peanutbutter is the yin to Bojack’s yang. They live virtually the same lives to a point where Mr. Peanutbutter even got famous off of what is blatantly a knock off of Horsin’ Around, The key difference though is that while Bojack is incurably pessimistic, Mr. Peanutbutter is obnoxiously optimistic, and why wouldn’t he be? He sees the good in everything and everyone and manages to get his way shearly through people loving him. He never has to learn anything because nobody ever challenges him. But that precisely is the rub. Mr. Peanutbutter is a cautionary tale about what would happen if you DID get that life full of happy endings and comfortable conclusions. Much like how many a sitcom protagonist never learns to tell the truth or to take responsibility for their own health, Mr. Peanutbutter never grows past his mistakes. It’s why he always does grand gestures for Diane despite her repeating several times that she doesn’t like them. It’s why he keeps dating women much younger than himself. It’s why he keeps getting divorced. He never takes any kind of long term lesson from what happens to him and never evolves as a person. Nowhere is this more prominent than in Season 5. Whenever Mr. Peanut butter does something wrong, he’s usually blind to the responsibility he must take to it. He either dismisses it as somebody else being mean or unreasonable or he makes an empty promise to not do it again. But for the first time ever, he partakes in betraying somebody he cares about. After divorcing Diane and getting with Pickles the Pug waitress . . . he has sex with Diane again behind Pickles’ back. This time there’s nobody to blame but himself . . and he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that he did an unforgivably shitty thing. In fact, he’s the least equipped character to do so in the whole show. He even pleads for Diane to break the news to Pickles and tries to force a silver lining by getting back with Diane as a result of it. In the season finale, when Mr. Peanutbutter has to tell the awful truth and knowingly hurt somebody close to him . . .much like a sitcom character, he instead pulls a happy ending out of his ass and decides to propose to Pickles instead. He actively decides not to do the tough, but right decision, and thus does not evolve. This is especially interesting in the finale because, for the first time ever, Bojack is a step ahead of Mr. Peanutbutter when it comes to committing to making things right. After Bojack nearly strangles Gina to death on his drug high, he turns himself into rehab with the help of Diane and starts taking real steps to self improvement. In contrast, Mr. Peanut butter . . . is just up to his same old tricks. 

You wanna talk about reaching that sitcom happy ending? It’s all this workaholic cat ever thinks about. Princess Carolyn leads life with the philosophy that with enough grit and go-getter attitude you can make anything happen for yourself . . . and to an extent that actually serves her pretty well. She gets out of her hick town to pursue her dreams as an agent and whenever the other characters are knee deep in their own mess she’s always the one with the solution to get them out. She compulsively helps people while refusing to take help for herself because . . well, she wants a happy ending . . .but she wants to be the one responsible for it. She had an opportunity as a kid to have everything in her life decided for her but once she had her miscarriage and that dream fell apart, she instead decided to pursue a career in the big city. She made tons of sacrifices to get where she is including leaving her own mother, and she’s also afraid of falling into the same trap of dependency she almost fell into as a kid again. That’s why she rejects Ralph Stilton’s offer to help her with her adopted baby, even though he’s irrefutably the best boyfriend she ever had. Time and time again Princess Carolyn will willingly be pushed right up to the edge before she accepts any kind of help, because she thinks doing so is a sign of weakness. She keeps herself motivated with fantasies about that wonderful happy ending, whether that means living in a cottage in a beautiful painting or succeeding enough that some future ancestor can give her class a family heritage report all about what a great ass kickin’ gal she is. While Princess Carolyn is definitely the most well adjusted and most durable to the constant hustle and beating down of reality, she’s got her own toxic tendencies as a result of thinking she’s a main character. She thinks she’s got to do everything on her own . . . . and if she doesn’t get past that insecurity soon, it may swallow her whole.

At long last we come to mr. Todd Chavez, the endearing little brother of Bojack Horseman’s family of main characters. Upon first glance, Todd seems the least prepared for life’s harsh reality out of all our leads. He’s a 20-something year old with no real job, no real responsibilities and no real goals in life. He’s very upfront and honest about how he spends his time, be it spending all day watching Youtube videos . . . or building a knockoff Disneyland. And yet, when we analyze him with the thesis that these “sitcom characters” are all trying to get by in a cruel and merciless world, we suddenly realize that ironically . . . Todd grows the most naturally out of everyone. Bojack lets Todd down time and time again and rather than accepting status quo as God like many a sitcom character might do, he takes it upon himself to distance his relationship with Bojack. He initially has faith in Bojack to be better, but doesn’t beat around the bush when he’s lost his faith in him. When he realizes that he was nothing in common with Yolanda aside from being asexual, he breaks up with her before prolonging the painful inevitable. The cast of Bojack Horseman go through their share of changes in what they want and who they want to be, but Todd is always the one who knows what he needs and makes an honest effort to be better. He’s surprisingly wise for an adult manchild flunky. But he gets up to wacky sitcomish schemes too, about as much as Mr. Peanutbutter (who is often his partner in crime with these things) . . . yet even then through his ernestness and cuttthroat honesty he manages to overcome better than the other characters.

Conclusion:

*decided to include this gif because i love the animation in it*

Hollywoo is a world of sitcom characters pulled out of the TV and trying to get by in everyday life under the harsh, uncompromising grip of reality. In a culture so entrenched in it’s ideals of maintaining superficial likability and celebrating yourself no matter what you do or who you hurt, each character’s mind is warped into buying the illusion that for how screwed up they are there’s a happy ending waiting at the end of the horizon for them. They all deal with it with different levels of success. Some take change in life with stride like Todd. Some think they found their happy ending but only remain empty like Diane. Some get everything they ask for and thus never evolve and never better themselves like Mr. PeanutButter. Some cling on for deal life as they get everything thrown at them, believing that they’ll be rewarded in the end, like Princess Carolyn. And then . . . some are a depressing cocktail of all of those things. They have opportunity land at their feet and think they’ve finally done the thing that will preserve them, only to find themselves empty. They work through the pain in their life hoping that at any point they’ll get some grand gesture or reward that makes everything they endured worth it, only for that chance to become officially non existent. But occasionally . . . very occasionally . . . they do something wonderful and heartfelt and sincere that maintains a glimmer of hope for their capacity to be better. That is Bojack Horseman. Bojack hurts the people closest to him much like his parents did. He remains bitter and sad and petty and self important . . . but he IS better than his folks. He’s like his late mom . . . only for him the grand gesture really does come.

But as Bojack says

“The grand gesture isn’t enough. You have to be consistent. You have to be dependably good. You can’t just screw everything up and then take a boat out on the ocean to save your best friend or solve a mystery and fly to Cansas. You need to do it everyday, which is so . . . hard.”

The truth is, all of these characters, even Bojack, have the potential to be better as long as they deconstruct their worldview shaped by watching television. They have to rid themselves of the illusion. The illusion that there’s some great happy ending that’s going to make all the pain worth it. The only ending in life . . . is death. Until then, there’s always more show. Time’s arrow neither stands still nor reverses; it always marches forward. There will be days these characters make mistakes and days they do great things . . how much they do of either is up to them. Sometimes they’ll do things that they will never get closure for . . things that can’t be forgiven  . . . but that doesn’t ruin their capacity to do right the next day.  Bojack’s right . . .it IS hard to do better every single day. But as the jogger near Bojack’s house says “It gets easier”.

And my essay concludes . . . .riiiiiiight after this anecdote.

I think what makes Bojack Horseman so special is that it holds up a mirror to how a screen infested world has permanently warped our sense of self worth and our understanding of how life really works. In a way, we’re all “sitcom characters” roaming around real life. We think of ourselves as the main characters of our stories, that there’s some sort of satisfying conclusion waiting for us. That we can win whoever we want back with a grand gesture and that we never have to evolve, we just have to be “good enough” . . .and that’s all . . SO wrong. That mentality makes us toxic. It makes us self important and hypocritical and petty, while also leaving us empty. It makes us incomplete. We all have to learn that there’s no ending until we die, that we have to do good every day . . . and that we aren’t the main character.  Everyone is important. Maybe we’ve been watching too many sitcoms and have had these fallacies drilled into our heads . . . and maybe Bojack Horseman is like a rehab for those bad tendencies. As Princess Carolyn points out in the finale of Season 4

“I got into this business because I love stories. They comfort us. They inspire us. They create a context for how we view the world. But also you have to be careful because if you spend a lot of time with stories you start to believe that life is just . . . stories. And it’s not. Life is life . . . and . . .that’s so sad, because . . .there’s so little time and . . . what are we doing with it?”

[rabidfangirlteehee]

Thoughts on The Crimes of Grinderwald ( Spoilers ahead)

The Good

The one thing I did appreciate in this movie ( apart from Jude Law as Dumbledore he was great actually the cast minus Depp i did like. Depp in my opinion just does not make a good Grinderwald) was their effort to show how Grinderwald and Supremacists like him might entice others. Voldemort wasn't shown recruiting anyone who didn't already share his views in the books. But Grinderwald is at a stage where he wants to be able to sway the common Witch/Wizard to his side and incorporate his ideology. So he does things like incite a crowd causing a auror to kill after a perceived attack ( in self defense) and then citing it as a example that the other side are the clear villains here.

Or saying things like he doesn't consider muggles to be inferior just different and offers others a chance to change the future between magic folk and muggles in public. But then in private refers to them as beasts of burden before ordering the murder of a muggle baby.

Or using fear of a dangerous and uncertain future to push the general public to pick a extreme option to prevent a more terrible outcome.

Its not done perfectly and there are alot of flaws. But the attempt to illustrate how Grinderwald and supremacists like him minipulate is something I appreciate.

The bad

Tying up plot threads from the last movie: Namely Credence's death and Jacob having his memory back. I would have liked a better explanation. I think its possible that I might get one in the next movie for at least Credence but even if that is true it still made a sloppy transition from the end of the last movie because Credence's unfair life and death was a pretty big deal in the last movie.

The blood pact: Its never explicitly said that Dumbledore is gay or likes Grinderwald. But I could have accepted it due to the mirror scene, the closer than brothers line and Dumbledore constantly claiming he couldn't fight Grinderwald but offering no explanation as to why. It seemed to me that it was strongly implying he had still had feelings and therefore couldn't face Grinderwald. Despite them not explicitly saying this. But then they went and ruined it by putting in the blood pact. I mean you still have a couple scenes implying things but it kinda makes things feel less compelling. It would have been a much stronger arc if you saw Dumbledore muster the conviction to face Grinderwald despite having feelings. More than some plot convenience blood pact which prevented the confrontation. That being said they could have easily had a moment where there past relationship was brought up despite the dumbass blood pact. Like there is 0 reason to dance around the subject. Still there are sequels so maybe it will be brought up in those so I wont be too harsh now.

Nagini: With all the scandal involving the whole thing about Nagini being secretly a woman I felt that Rowling had pushed it for a purpose. It didn't really improve the original hp story in any way but I wondered if it maybe added to this one. If it had anything to add to this series it wasn't added in this installment. Nagini had a bit part and her cursed to a snake form was something that was not really important at all. Maybe it will for the next movie but from what was revealed in this one I don't really see how.

The only one strong enough to stop Grinderwald/Dumbledore:  The ministry pushes Dumbledore to kill Grinderwald insisting he is the only one strong enough to. And admittedly Dumbledore is strong the Ministry should want him on board. But they act as tho Dumbledore is their only chance. This push to make this a one on one fight makes no sense. As far as I know unlike Voldemort Grinderwald was powerful but had nothing that made him effectively immortal. And the same could be said for Dumbledore. Dumbledore was a strong force against Voldemort not because of his magical strength but because his tactics made Voldemort Falter and Dumbledore could outwit him. And Harry was a strong Force because he made this unkillable thing disappear as a baby. Grinderwald might see Dumbledore as a powerful foe but if he has him under a blood pact then why is he so keen on killing him? Shouldn't he be more interested in world domination? Shouldn't that be what this story is focused on? But no what ties all the different sides together is their interest in Credence. And Grinderwald is interested in him because he can defeat Dumbledore. Even more importantly Dumbledore got the Order of Merlin for defeating Grinderwald so ya he was strong but would he really have that much of a reputation before he did? In terms of fighting skill I mean. His work in alchemy is another story.  Also tied to this is the ministry pushing Newt to go after Credence and join the Ministry. Like Dumbledore is one thing but why are you so interested in recruiting a magical biologist to be a auror. Its like if you were asked to pick the ideal person for a manhunt in New York and your choice was Jane Goodall.

Queenie: This really stood out to me because I really liked her character in the first movie. So in this movie she enchants Jacob to marry her. This isn't a unappealing idea to him infact it is a kinda ideal end goal for him but there are good reasons why he's afraid to pursue this and they are all legitimate reasons to say no. He has every right no say no even if he has feelings for her and likes the idea of being married to her. Its his choice and she was going to steal that from him. She probably would have if Newt hadn't intervented. And if that was shown to develop her character and make her undergo an arc and be held responsible for her actions I would have accepted that. But its not. Jacob doesn't really get mad at her or point out how fucked up it was she did that. Newt never tells Jacob that it was when he is pining for her after. Its never mentioned that this is a thing that might need to be discussed when he sees her again. In fact the only issue to arise from this is Queenie wants to take a risk and get married and Jacob thinks its too risky and Queenie sees it as cowardly. This could be a interesting arguement in its own right but this argument completely glosses over the you just mind controlled me plot point.

And then to make things worse she then joins Grinderwald because....? Like ya he offers her the chance to marry Jacob by changing the rules about this kinda thing. But even if you discount the whole thing about her reading minds and possibly seeing the baby incident, she really believed him that fast? She is a little eccentric but she's not stupid. But lets say she was desperate and believed him. She could clearly see and tell that this idea of joining Grinderwald was turning him off and pushing him away from her. So she chooses to join Grinderwald to be closer to Jacob when by joining Grinderwald will only push them apart based on his reactions to him. Or maybe she will just enchant him again cuz clearly no one sees it as a huge deal.

Im sorry I harp on this a bit but when it comes to men being minipulated into sex or romance or relationships via magical means( love potions or enchantments) Rowling treats the thing as casual. Not seriously fucked up. Even for Merlope from what I remember the problem was more that the dad left she became distraught and died and her actions led to Voldemort being a thing. How fucked up her actions were are kinda glossed over. Same with Romilda Vane trying to drug Harry. Or Mrs Weasely casually mentioning she used love potions in school as if it was this perfectly acceptable thing.

Aurelius Dumbledore: Why just why? And then they added that shit about Dumbledore's family being tied to Pheonixes. Not every interesting thing about a character needs a special unique power or birthright. It would have been fine if Dumbledore just befriended Fawkes and Fawkes followed him because they got along well. Like no special prophecy needed. It felt like Rowling just needed a good twist as to who Credence was because he was actively searching for his family to find out more about himself. So he had to be related to someone very important. But why go with that at all? The most unique thing about Credence was that he was a obscurus. That's not a genetic thing. Finding out who your family is wouldn't help with that. Wouldn't it make more sense if he sought out someone who did know about Obsuruses ? Like say Newt? In fact that would also get Newt involved without the whole Ministry pushing a magical biologist to become an auror subplot. He could be trying to keep Credence safe while the ministry wants to lock him up because of Grinderwald's interest in him. Grinderwald is interested in the power he posesses and not just because its a good way to kill Dumbledore but in general, and Yusuf wants him dead because he thinks Credence is Corvus. And Newt just wants to help him because he thinks Credence should be able to be free. And eventually the problem is solved because Love and familiarity was apparently the way to handle the Obscurus and Credence has finally met someone who gives two shits about him. Newt.

Instead you get Dumbledores Secret brother and Credence being obsessed about his heritage because he's a orphan of course he is.  Not that orphans would by default have interest in who their birth parents were, but it just feels like the stereotypical plot for a orphan when you could have done something else that could be ( in my opinion) more interesting. 

[hogwartselementumrp]

Congratulations Areej! You have been accepted to play Augustus Wood, with Matthew Daddario as the faceclaim! Now, me and Admin Beth absolutely adored your application. Beth was personally drawn to your para sample, thinking it showed you had an excellent grasp of the character. I personally loved how you described Marzia... Just kidding, seriously. Every single part of this application was very well written, and I am very glad Raluca & Lynn forced recommended it! I really hope we get an app for Oliver soon because I believe you will make their interactions super angsty!!!

Welcome the the RP! I hope you enjoy your time with us!

OOC Information

NAME/ALIAS: Hey! I’m Areej PREFERRED PRONOUN: she/her AGE: 17 TIMEZONE: GMT ACTIVITY LEVEL: On a scale of 1 to 10, maybe like a 7?? I have exams in June that I should be studying for but also I am not. That means I’ll try to be on at least once every day/every couple of days at the minimum.

HOW DID YOU FIND THE RP (NEW MEMBERS): Lynn & Raluca made me recommended it :))))

Character Information

NAME OF THE CHARACTER: Augustus Wood DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER IN YOUR OWN WORDS:

In a sentence? Your average playboy Quidditch player.

Wand ━ chestnut and dragon heartstring

( chestnut ) “The wand of chestnut is attracted to witches and wizards who are natural fliers. However, when paired with dragon heartstring, it may find its best match among those who are overfond of luxury and material things, and less scrupulous than they should be about how they are obtained.”

(dragon heartstring ) “As a rule, dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. Dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types. While they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner.The dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. It is also the most prone of the three cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental.”

Birthday ━ july 25th

( leo ) “can be among the most arrogant, self-absorbed signs of the zodiac, but also the most tender and generous. as the lion king of the cosmos, you are a force to be reckoned with — and you’d have it no other way. full of ego and the insecurity that inevitably accompanies it, you demand respect. the successful Leo, however, learns how to command it. you thrive on the esteem of others, but privately your self-esteem wavers. a natural performer, you can be a powerhouse of creative talent, charisma and instinct. you crave the spotlight and take great pains to grace it.”

( aries moon ) idk i don’t even really know what a moon sign is tbh but from what i gather, it means you’re independent, enjoy confrontation, have lots of crushes or short-lived, physical, passionate relationships but move on very quickly, and are straightforward rather than manipulative.

AND HEY LOOK i found this neat pdf that outlines it some more

So that basically covers personality, right? As for plots, I think right now he’s in a weird space of being a little unsure of himself, which he definitely isn’t used to. Typically, he gets what he wants. No questions asked. Nothing ever gets taken away from him – only handed, usually on a silver platter, so the fact that the Quidditch teams have retracted their offers has left him more irritable than usual. And the rumour that he takes performance enhancing drugs (as if he needs them). As much as he pretends he isn’t bothered and that he’ll get his job back in no time, he’s actually kinda scared, knowing that if the Quidditch thing doesn’t work out, he hasn’t worked hard enough at magic to excel in it like he wants from life.

ANY CHANGES YOU WISH TO MAKE?: FC change to Matthew Daddario pls & thanks  TITLES: ex-Quidditch captain of Slytherin, resident fuckboy RELATIONSHIPS:

Marzia Levi ━ ex girlfriend. After about 2 months of dating the hottest, most charming girl he could find, Augustus realised that she was crazy.

Scorpius Malfoy  ━ old friendship. At school, the two were healthy rivals, competing to make each other better on the field and spending time hanging out off it. That all ended after Scorp’s sickness. Out of loyalty to his friend, Augustus tried at the beginning to stay close, but Scorpius’ bitterness just pissed him off and he left him. 

Roxanne Weasley ━ pseudo-little-sister. She keeps his feet on the ground, as much as she can, anyway. He protects her.

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS:

Parents ━ Being the oldest Wood boy, Augustus knew that practically the whole world (but especially his parents) had expectations of him to play Quidditch professionally. It seemed to be all his mum and dad would talk to him about growing up. So, as a cause of this, his relationship with them is less of a typical parent-and-son bond and more of a mentor and their trainee. He doesn’t mind much though. As long as he was playing Quidditch well, they never really bothered him getting into too much trouble at school since they weren’t around enough.

Oliver Wood ━ Ever since Oliver got in the way of Augustus and his dreams, he can’t help but be a little irritated at his younger brother. He tries not to blame him. Tells himself, assures Oliver, that this is only a minor drawback, that he’ll get his position back. But the truth is, Augustus isn’t so sure. Oliver’s naivety may have ruined his chances to become a professional Quidditch player for good, and that has caused a strain on their relationship.

Minerva Wood ━ Minerva’s probably the person he’s closest to in the world. With their parents gone a lot of the time when they were kids, he used to spend most of his time around his sister, so they told each other everything. Now they’re living together, they’re even closer. The only thing is his boyfriend who he thinks she can do better than.

PARA SAMPLE:

“What do you mean, performance enhancing drugs?”

There was no way this irrelevant man, clad in a pretentious suit, tie and matching robes (it was July, for fuck’s sake – how was he not boiling?) was serious. He, Augustus Wood, on drugs? Well, Gus thought, running a hand through his recently windswept hair, that part was admittedly believable. But ones to make him better at Quidditch? Ridiculous. It’s not like he needed any help.

“Look, I don’t fuckin’ care,” he said, cutting across the old man’s pathetic reply. “I just need this bullshit out of the papers before anyone sees it.” Saying that aloud made him realise something: that there was a very real chance of his parents reading that morning’s Prophet, stumbling across the blaring front-page headline about their son on steroids. 

If there was anything the Woods had always discouraged from their children, it was scandals. Whether they be (what Augustus had become notorious for) dating scandals, or something more like this, the celebrities grew exasperated when their kids’ names were in the papers, mostly because there was usually some element of truth in them. Not this time, though. Unfortunately, Augustus wasn’t sure they’d believe him if he told them that.  “Most rumours are fine. I can deal with rumours. But this? I get it – I fly so well that people think I must be on something, right? That there’s no way this talent can be natural? It kinda makes sense they’d assume I’m on steroids or whatever, but I swear I’m not. There, that’s the truth. Case closed. Now get this out of the fucking press.”

“It’s not that easy, sir. It’s already been printed, and –” his publicist began to reply, but Augustus already grew tired of his voice.

“Unprint it, then.”

What was possibly worse than his parents finding out? The scouts from Quidditch teams, the ones who’d been practically obsessed with him, asking to recruit him at the earliest opportunity, reading the article. It’d destroy their image of them. If his own mother and father wouldn’t believe that this was only a rumour, there was no chance that these guys would. His career would be over.

Augustus sighed. Oliver had a lot of explaining to do.