#or until i have an identity crisis again idfk

[blankfaerie]

okay gang we're officially blankfaerie 4 life...................................

h-eavensnight > blankfaerie

[rezilient-m3]

November 20, Child Tax Day. Haha jk. It's a Friday night, late, so 21st. But I'm here at my parent's house, with the kids. We came Wednesday, so they missed school Thursday and today. Got the news my kokum (grandma) wasn't going to make it through the night on Tues. She held on until last night (Thurs) at 10:17. She was 90. Had Alzheimers for, about, 10 ish yrs.

What I want to talk about is my emotions, or lack thereof, at the moment. I know how that sounds, and it's not what I mean. I'll explain lol. But for those of you reading all of these things, or remember the part where I was adopted, this is my dad's mother. So, not my blood relative. That shouldn't matter right? But back when I found out I was adopted, and my parents weren't really my parents, I was very young and confused. This is where my counselor mentioned something about the "rupture" in my relationships I had with my family. It never really occurred to me, until recently, that I had an identity crisis at the time. But, overall, I lost who I thought I was. So, with that, my little brain thought that, "if he's not my 'real' dad, then he (and his whole side of his family and ours) must not take me as theirs." Idk why I thought that, or how it started, but I was convinced that's how everybody felt. That caused me not to try to build relationships with anybody from that side, including my kokum, and maybe even my dad. Like, I was there, at gatherings, or visiting at her house when my dad would take us. I told her I loved her and she even babysat sometimes and made us teenie, child sized bannocks for me and my twin brother. We even called her kokum bannock. But, that feeling of insecurity and not being fully accepted was always present. EVEN THOUGH they've never flat out said it and were always nice to me. I just had always felt like an outcast. And maybe, on some level, I still do.

When she died last night, fb was flooded with family members posting pictures of themselves with her, either old and recent. Me? I have nothing. That made me sad. And seeing her laying there in her bed, I couldn't help but feel guilty, and sad, and sorry I didn't try harder before.

What I meant about the "lack" of emotions was, last night, when we got the call, me and my dad were closing the store. Earlier we were all at the hospital, near our reserve, so we had all just finished seeing her a few hours before. Anyways, his brother called to tell him. I knew exactly what had just happened. I wanted to cry. But, at the moment, we were waiting for a lady to come shop from the next town over cuz she didn't know our hrs changed due to covid. So, I didn't want to cry, to make him cry. And he didn't cry. He was weirdly calm. Totally not what I was expecting because he was the closest one to his mother than all of his siblings. But, maybe he really is okay with her passing. She isn't suffering anymore. That's what he says... Anyways, we didn't cry. The lady came, he told her the news. My little sister/niece thing came in, with eyes that had just finished crying. But we didn't say much. The lady customer left, and we got all our stuff to leave, and still, didn't say much. My sister J (sister/niece thing's mom) was sitting outside obviously crying, and my dad went to the passenger side, to my niece and made a joke to laugh. That has always been his coping mechanism, was to make jokes in awkward, weird, sad times. Then we came walking home. I wanted to ask if he was okay, or hug him to make sure, or let out my cry; but nothing happened. We just came home. My mum and sister R were sitting at the table, and again, not much was said. He just said we'll figure out what to do im the morning, then, he went to his room. I sat down looking at my phone, at the pictures everyone was sharing, contemplating whether if I should make one without a picture. I even contemplated if I should make a post about what I'm writing about now. But, made the right choice by not writing anything because THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. Lol. I had to write it out tho, cuz it's been heavy on my mind.

I told my dad about some of my feelings on our road trip today. He just told me I always was and always will be his girl. So, I'm content in our relationship. I'm glad things totally turned around, because he is always what I need. That year I separated from Alex is what really made me and my dad closer. I can never be grateful for it, even though that year I was hurting. But it will always be my silver lining in that dark period.

I didn't mean to stray from speaking about my kokum, by going on about me and my dad. My point is, my relationships with this side of family are improving. Not so much with the cousins, I still feel like they're not my 'real' cousins. Idk why. But what I mean is, with my dad and his brothers. I feel closer to these men than I ever did. And I'm happy for it.

Plus, I just realized I wasn't finished about the lack of emotions now. I wanted to cry the moment I heard. But now, I feel like I don't feel anything. Like, how I always feel when something happens. Like, "something bad, or sad, has happened, BUT I think I'm okay." Or pretending. Idfk. Bet I'll be hysterical at the funeral tho. No doubt about that.

I just meant, my counselor had mentioned something about our reptilian brain, and how it works when something traumatic happens to us. To all of us, we go into some type of mode, and it depends on how we deal with it. And, for me, it might be that I shut down. Like, I go into a mode where I don't let myself process or deal with it properly. I think I've me tinned it before. But idk. Trying to work on my shit lol.

I hope I made sense. And I think I've said what I needed to say. I'm tired now. This took a long time to type lol. I'm sorry if my posts are boring at times, but it's just what's on my mind.

Later ppl. ✌