#or tied into your ability to finish and publish some fanfic :/

[deliciousmicroplastics]

how am i supposed to get a job when I've been in trash guy who's shit at everything mode (depressed as fuck) for the past week. no i am not the best candidate for this i can't even remember the basic tasks for being at home and im the biggest cynic ever about jobs until they pay me and then only slightly less of one once they start

like what would fix me would be a good job and routine, but I'm in no position to get hired at a good job

[dogueteeth-fhr]

Fanfic Writer Questions

Thank you @silvery-bluish & @glitchy-npc for the tags! Not sure who else to send it to atm but if you see this on my page and decide to pitch in with your answers feel free to @ me!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I've got 12! Most are oneshots, others are series.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

47002 on AO3 at the moment! And so much more in my docs.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Primarily Fallen Hero, with a dash of TWC and some other fandoms sprinkled in my WIPS but I've been on Fallen Hero brainrot for a long time now so the other fandoms are currently neglected.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Nightmare (surprisingly enough) w/ 28 kudos

focus (it's harder than you think) (also surprising lol) w/ 20 kudos

new pavement w/ 18 kudos

anamnesis w/ 18 kudos

freefall w/ 13 kudos tied with bath(toaster)tub also w/ 13 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to respond to all of them! But some days I just don't have the spoons to and I forget, but I really appreciate any comments I receive.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

HA. you want me to pick??? Ok hrm. maybe bath(toaster)tub? anamnesis also has so me pretty angsty pieces in there.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

PFFF. ok gotta. go look for this one. Maybe sargasso sea, though it's technically not the last iteration in its series between a continued plotline hinted out in after the fall and a third part planned for its series.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet! I think.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

(slaps brain) this bad boy can generate so much smut. I write pretty much any kind? Soft, rough, indulgent, M/M, F/M, F/F, other any everything, kinky or emotional, etc. Just whatever strikes me at the time, but most just dont get published bc I'm mid.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I typically HATE crossover fics they just aren't my thing I do write AUs of X story set in X story's universe, just haven't published them (wait does that still count as a crossover).

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nah, considered it once tho.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! Haven't found someone with the vibe ig, it's just never crossed my mind to co-write a fic and just never been asked too.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

(cue strained breath) i have no all time favorites BUT. but. Ricardo/Wei gets me SO soft ok. i just. unrequited years long attraction finally requited and i. AAAAA. place sidestep in there too and i'm just so happy. i need poly rep in my life sometimes ok.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I stare into the google docs hell and ask you how you could expect me to pick one but. BUT. Praeludium//Allegro. A piece meant to dive in how Sidestep is able to experience the moment someone dies through their mind.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Shorter pieces! They tend to be about ~2000-5000 words per part, that's usually when I feel I've done my best. I'm also. Decent at NSFW writing? Sometimes, at least.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Definitely long fics. I had a plan for freefall and have scrapped and adapted it multiple times now, pus it's just difficult to keep myself interested in specific but necessary chapters.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

It's fun! I've included Spanish and Russian excerpts into my fics before but I don't do it a lot. Considered writing fully in Spanish at some point for an Ortega POV but I'm not confident in my grammar abilities. Spanish verb tenses my beloathed.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Naruto. On a different old account best left to gather dust.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Hm, I'm not sure if I have a favorite. I do really like the NSFW piece I wrote from Remy's POV, though. Short but good.

[dobranocka]

(sorry idk which ones you've been asked yet!) 12, 20, 33?

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

Huh, that's not really something I have considered. Let me think.

All my writing will magically edit itself into shape. No more types, hanging sentences, doubled words - just a clear, readable text. Sure, I can make changes like cut something that doesn't fit or add a scene that is needed, but no more haunting of stray typos. P l e a s e.

A perfect writing playlist for every writing project. The one just makes me focus, kicks my brain into creative mode, and fits the mood of the piece I am writing perfectly. And it has to be different for each and every one! My own soundtracks, with no repetitions.

No more post-publishing things hangovers. Everything will just publish itself and I will be able to not worry about the reception it is getting or suffering from the dopamine crash. Good feelings only from now on.

Okay, that's the wrap. Can't risk turning any WIP into lorem ipsum.

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

Obviously the eternal happiness, how is that even a choice? I am assuming my one true love here is my dog and he will live forever 😊

More seriously though - I actually had a conversation with Marron about this a few days ago, which partially has been prompted by the pain of publishing a WIP we worked on for, well, 8 months or so, and partially by the fact that my uni friend got stuck on finishing her PhD which is, in reality, fully written, but she doesn't think it's perfect yet.

Do you see what I am getting at here?

I don't think the perfect piece of writing exists. I don't think we, as writers, should strive for a perfect novel, or poem, or fanfic, or academic thesis (especially academic thesis) - just like we shouldn't strive for a perfect body, or perfect grade, or a perfect relationship. As someone who struggled with deliberating perfectionism for years - the kind that makes you quit relationships or turn away job opportunities, because they are not quite perfect - this is a topic I obviously feel strongly about.

What I instead try for is to challenge myself with my writing in a way that makes it fun for me and then try to enjoy the process, instead for aiming for something unachievable. The stories I have written so far are signs of who I am and was as a person and writer then. There will be countless other stories I will write in the future. Some of them will be better than the others, some I will like much more. None of them have to be perfect.

The real treasure will be all the typos I will make along the way 😅

(Sorry for getting quite so personal here, but I really think this mindset of striving for a unachievable perfection can be damaging for writers, at all stages of life.)

33. Do you practice any other art besides writing? Does that art ever tie into your writing, or is it entirely separate?

Do crafts count as art? If so, then yes, I suppose - I knit, I dabbled a bit in crocheting, I love cooking - I do like making things with my hands. I don't think it ties into my writing in a ways I would be able to identify, at least so far.

Thank you for asking those questions!

Ask me weird questions about writing

[kimboatfloats]

Today’s Special: Not Motivated

Telling people about your next big idea robs you of motivation.

Okay. So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong the past 40 years.

I’ve been internet spiraling tonight into the depths of psychological essays on motivation and getting things done. On finishing. Because ultimately I am always a starter, but not a finisher. I get distracted. I lose interest. I basically give up.

My mother has always called me the Quitter. I don’t think she meant negative things by it because it’s truth. Sometimes truth is pretty painful. I start things, then when they get even an iota of difficult, I quit. This also blends into relationships. If someone upsets me, I retreat. I won’t fight for your friendship, I’ll just disappear. It’s not that you’re not worth the effort, it’s that I’m not capable of making that effort.

But back to motivation. I have only ever wanted to be one thing in life: a writer. Over years it was honed into a novelist. A novelist of fantasy or science fiction novels. Then a novelist of romantic fantasy or romantic science fiction. That’s it. That’s all. I’ve wanted that since I remember. In my Grade 1 primer I have a Q&A thing that Miss Bosiak asked and it went like this:

What do you want to do when you grow up, Kimberley? [in her super neat and beautiful printing]

write [in my childish scrawl with a backwards ‘e’ that took up 3/4 of the page]

(As an aside, I’m so grateful Miss Bosiak used the “Kimberley” form of my name. So many people spell it Kimberly and that pissed me off)

Anyway, so I stop - start. I write. I type away at 20,000 words for a novel and then it’s sputtering and dead. I read books on how to write novels. I read books on how to plot novels. I don’t finish those books. I finish those books and attempt to implement the new skillset on finishing what I’ve started and then I just don’t. I tell people I’m writing a novel. I don’t do anything about it. I tell people about the plot. I don’t finish. I hand over starts of manuscripts. First chapters. I read more and more and research other successful people in the field. I go to panels to listen to published authors. I watch videos.

And I know that in order to finish writing, one must write. But I sit in front of my computer, I have bought Scrivener because it’s the best right? The best! And I stare at Scrivener and I putter and I write a few sentences. And then I worldbuild in another document because that’s much easier. Then I think, oh I should do fanfiction! That’ll motivate me.

And I write nothing.

I start a fanfic and get a chapter done and post it to Fanfiction.net, Smashwords, or AO3 or Hit Record whatever writing app is de rigeur and forget that my account even exists until 3 years later I delete it.

And I try NANOWRIMO over and over. Camp Nano. DESPERNANO. Anything to just get butt into chair and story into fingers into keyboard into paper into pen into ink and ultimately...

I have hundreds of starts. 

No finisher.

Every time I’ve told someone, “I’m working on a novel!”

or 

“I’m writing something I’m so excited about it blah blah blah!”

And maybe, maybe I just shouldn’t have done that in the first place. 

I finished reading The Science-Backed Reasons You Shouldn't Share Your Goals by Amy Rigby. The most telling pull-quote I got from the article was this: 

So if your goal is closely tied to your identity, it might be best to keep it to yourself. This way, premature praise won’t fool you into feeling like you’ve already achieved your aim.

The research mentioned in her article is about certain types of praise. When we receive it, we feel the same kind of feeling as the sensation of accomplishment and so motivation for that thing you intended to do just poofs.

Also, that thing that I want to do, that’s entirely and intrinsically linked into my identity is that I want to be a writer. EVERYONE AND EVERYONE’S DOG AND CAT WANT TO DO THAT. So I’ve heard, “I’m writing a novel too!” A lot when I mention that I’m working on a project. Or, “I’ve written a novel.” Or “So and so is a writer you should talk to them about it.” Or ... the absolute worst... “So many people want to be writers, there’s like no chance of being published.”

It’s pretty demotivating to start thinking of the millions of would-be writers out there. The ones that wrote amazing novels and they sit, currently unread, in Amazon. Or unread on AO3. Or unread on writeblr.  And there’s me. Thinking I could write something that has some kind of ability to break through that miasma of millions and maybe get read by someone else and even *gasp* enjoyed enough to perhaps be sold? What kind of hubris I must have to even think that I could do such a thing.

And I quit.

So. Not telling anyone. Anymore.

[genderfluidsodapopcurtis]

Basically it’s an unfinished Rumble Fish fanfic please read it

Alright, I’m gonna try something a little different today. As you guys may have noticed, my mental health has been...not in the most stable place for a while now. I’m currently going through the whole process of getting taken off of my current medication to start a new one, which is never fun. And my anxiety and depression are both very persistent in screwing up my basic executive function abilities, so that it’s nearly impossible some days for me to eat or bathe or even sleep, much less write.

I want to say I’ve had writer’s block for the past several months, but I’m not sure that’s true because I have been writing. I just haven’t been able to finish a story. Which of course makes me feel like a complete faliure as a writer and a human being. It’s absolutely awful, and I have had many, many panic attacks over it.

So, I’ve decided to try something new: Publishing an incomplete story. Publishing the very beginnings of a very rough first draft, mistakes and typos and forced dialogue and clumsy descriptions and all. Just to put something out there. Who knows. Maybe it will give me the push I need to keep going.

I did go with something I do like and I am kind of proud of, though. I hope I’ll be able to complete it someday.

Fandom: Rumble Fish

Ship(s): None. Rusty-James/Steve friendship. Slightly slashy undertones though, because I can’t not.

Genre(s): Modern AU, Humor, Hurt/Comfort (ish), sick!fic (ish).

Warning(s): Menstruation, and all the fun stuff that comes with it.

Additional Notes: Transboy!Rusty-James, Transboy!Steve.

The house is too quiet.

It's like one of those scary movies where a disease wipes out the whole world but one person. No sound at all; not even the usual background stuff you never really notice until it’s suddenly gone: footsteps and doors opening and closing and cars passing by down the street--there's nothing. Nothing.

The idea of “quiet” is supposed to mean no sound at all, which is actually bullshit that makes no sense because quiet is actually the loudest thing he’s ever heard. He hates it; it’s seriously freaky--probably because of all the movies and the everybody dying thing--so most of the time when he’s by himself he gets away from it and back to people as soon as possible, before that prickly feeling, the one where it’s like all the liquids are being sucked out of him, starts to set in. That’s why he’s almost never home alone.

But today he doesn’t get a fucking choice.

He can’t even move to turn on the TV or something. Can’t even move from this one spot on the bed, where he’s curled up on his side with his face smushed into the pillow. It feels like somebody is taking a knife and stabbing it into his side and then twisting it around in his guts, and then the same thing in his head, right behind his eyeballs. He feels shitty all over, really: achy and groggy and sticky and gross, gross, gross.

Boys getting periods is such fucking bullshit.

(Boys having boobs and vaginas is fucking bullshit, too, for the record.)

Time’s been dragging by all morning, Rusty-James fading in and out of an empty sleep--until a sound finally comes with a tap on the window, quiet enough that Rusty-James almost thinks he just hallucinated it.

And then another one. Louder and sharper and definitely real.

Rusty-James flinches, stiffens. If it’s a burglar or a serial killer or something (it has to be; who the hell else would be trying to get in through a fucking window), he won’t be able to fight them off, and he knows his window’s not locked (who the fuck locks a window), so they can get in and kill him easy. Jesus Christ.

Another tap. And then “Rusty-James!”

And then another.

Wait.

Rusty-James pushes himself up and turns over and feels a rush of relief flood his chest when he sees that it’s not an axe murderer at all. Just Steve.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. Why the fuck would a criminal try to break in here during the day, anyway? It’s broad daylight. And it’s not like they have anything worth stealing. And a killer wouldn’t tap on the window ti let you know he was coming in, because that would be fucking stupid, because then the other person would run away, which would make everything harder. An actual killer would try to sneak in real quiet; not let you know he was even there until it was too late--

He suddenly realizes he’s just been staring at Steve the entire time he’s been thinking about this when Steve rolls his eyes and taps once on the glass again, hard and deliberate, snapping him out of his head.

“Can you open the window?” Steve asks. His voice is kind of muffled through the glass, so he’s half-shouting it.

Rusty-James shrugs. “It ain’t locked,” he half-shouts back.

Steve rolls his eyes again and brings his hands up to press them against the glass, and then slides the window upward with a spliitening crack. Rusty-James doesn’t open that window a whole lot.

Cold air that feels like needles on his skin rushes into the room.

“Ah! Fuck, it’s freezing!”

“You’re telling me.” Clumsily, Steve brings one leg up over the edge, and then the other, and then he pulls himself over and inside, scrambling onto Rusty-James’s bed before turning and sliding the window shut. And locking it.

Then he shrugs his backpack off his shoulders. Rusty-James didn’t even notice that he had it, but know that he has he’s wondering what Steve’s doing out of school.

Steve never ditches. Any time Rusty-James ever tries to talk him into coming along when he skips class, Steve always says no for one reason or another. Usually he says it’s because he doesn’t want to “get caught” or “get in trouble” or “I have a test in whatever fucking class today and it’s really important.” (To Rusty-James, this seems like just an even better reason not to go in the first place, but fucking whatever. Steve’s always been weird about all that school shit.)

So, “The fuck you doin’ here?”

Steve looks up at him then, and Rusty-James can’t read the look in his eyes behind his thick-rimmed glasses. He almost never can, though. Stephen thinks a lot with his face, and Rusty-James has never been too good with those. 

“It’s your period, right?”

Rusty-James stares at him. “How the fuck did  you know that?”

“Periods generally happen on the same date every month, you know.”

Right. Dates. Another thing he’s not too good at.

Although the fact that his best friend knows his period scheduale better than he does is probably at least a little fucking sad.

Steve goes on. “Anyway, you haven’t been coming to school, and you usually get really bad when you’re on yours, so I just--I just, wanted to see if you were okay.”

He’s not wrong. Rusty-James’s periods are always really, really fucking awful--the time when he was over at Steve’s house and threw up everywhere suddenly jumps into his mind--and the first time, when he didn’t know so he bled through his jeans and onto his mom’s couch. They had to get a new couch after that.

And he’s been in lots of fights, tons even. But nothing has ever hurt worse than those fucking cramps. They’re the kind of pain that looks white around the edges, and they’d be enough to make him cry if he could cry.

The headaches, too. And the all-over aches. And the throwing up. They all really suck, actually.

Once in a while he can suck it up enough to go to school, although it’s almost always a pretty fucking awful idea. That’s what he did last month, and he ended up punching Smokey Bennet in the nose (after he asked Rusty-James “Aww, is it somebody’s time of the month?”) and getting suspended anyway.

“I brought some stuff for you that might help, though,” Steve says as he unzips the backpack and reaches in, pulling out one item at a time before setting in down carefully on the bed. “Midol--it’s like aspirin but for menstural cramps, so it works better--a heating pad, Nutella and a spoon--I don’t think that actually does anything, but I always eat a lot of chocolate when I’m on mine...”

All Rusty-James can really do is stare at the spread, struck dumb. He has no idea how to feel about somebody caring so much much about something this stupid.

Rusty-James isn’t a girl, but he still has to deal with all the girl problems that his father and his brother don’t, and when he started getting his period (after Steve’s mom yelled at him for bleeding on her good couch), all he got was an awkward talk from the old man and a box of too-thin pads that the Motorcycle Boy probably stole crammed under the bathroom sink, and that was it. It’s not something they ever talked about again.

But with Steve it’s different. He get’s it, because he’s the same way and he has to deal with all the same stuff, and they’ve been best friends for so long that Rusty-James can remember when he was still Stephanie--fuck, he can even remember them being friends when he was still.

Well.

They were still both girls, and that was a really fucking long time ago.

[frenchcirce]

2016 in review

Tagged by my beloved @tiffotcf

total number of stories (completed/WIPs):

2 completed one-shots/ 5 WIPs, one original fiction

total word count:

51 436 from the published stories, 583 from WIPs, 10 022 from my Nano. So it makes 62 041.

fandoms written in:

Ghost Hunt, solely. I’m not sure about my ability to get characters from other fandoms right.

looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

I wrote two unplanned one-shots for the twins’ birthday, and the ideas came to me rather easily, so that was a good surprise. But I wanted to finish PN&P and obviously failed, since it’s still ongoing, so overall I wrote less than expected. Plus, my NaNo didn’t go well, I only wrote 10 000 words of my original fiction (I blame the pregnancy which made me sleep like a log). Maybe next year...

what’s your own favorite story of the year?

Bloodlust. It was silly and fun to write.

did you take any writing risks this year?

Depends on what you consider a risk. I feel like just writing is taking one lol. I wrote a humorous one-shot, two fluffy ones, a Regency and a murder mystery for my original work. I feel like I’ve tested quite a wide range of genre and I’m happy I did.

do you have any fanfic or profit goals for the new year?

Finishing PN&P is my top priority. I’ve planned a Nano of some sort in February, with the sole goal of completing it. After the GH Exchange I’ll try to focus a bit more on my original fic until June, and then I’ll just try to do what I can while taking care of a newborn...

best story of the year?

The most popular is PN&P, but it also is the longest so it probably attracts more attention than one-shots. I do like this story, but I don’t trust my own judgement about my work, so I’ll deem it the best according to the number of positive reviews/hits compared to my other pieces.

most popular story of the year?

Well, as I said, PN&P. I was a bit surprised by how popular it has become (I’ve reached 100 followers on ffnet for this story!!), because Regency is a niche. 

story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

My stories are mostly self-indulging fluffy one shots, so they don’t deserve much recognition. I'd say Bloodlust, I didn’t tag it as humour not to spoil the ending and I think some readers could have enjoyed it but didn’t try reading thinking it was some angsty suspense. But well, it’s no big deal anyway.

most fun story to write:

Bloodlust. Deceiving readers is fun (because that wasn’t a mean deception, just plain humour).

story with the single sexiest moment:

Sexy? I don’t really do sexy (though I confess I have a smutty thing in my WIPs because I wanted to try the genre, maybe I’ll manage to complete it this year). I suppose PN&P because it’s filled with romance, but no real sexy time... for now, at least ;)

most sweet story:

My collection of one-shots The Loves of my Life is basically full of sweet stories, and I wrote the last chapter in 2016. Otherwise Capture the Moment can qualify, even if the ending is somehow bittersweet.

”holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you!” story:

My works are pretty tame and non-controversial, so I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with them... I’d say the most ‘wild’ thing is my smutty WIP. Maybe it’s that suits me the least, but still, not something I am ashamed of. 

story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters & most unintentionally telling story:

... No idea! I don’t think any of my stories ever did that to me (unfortunately or not).

hardest story to write:

PN&P without hesitation. 

I’m borderline OCD, so I felt the need to do research for nearly every little detail in order to stick to the Regency social rules, etiquette and beliefs. Let’s just say I’ve spent more time researching than actually writing.

Moreover, this story has a huge drawback: an actual plot, so I have to make sure all events happen in a consistent order, and that all lose ends are tied properly in the end. In short, a writer’s nightmare ;)

biggest disappointment:

Not being able to finish my stories as planned. Not being able to write for a long while because I was too tired to do anything, even reading. Feeling like my time is limited when I have so many things to write. 

biggest surprise:

PN&P’s popularity for sure. And learning that my fandom friends think my writing style is good (did I ever tell you I have an inferiority complex about writing?). When someone who you think is a talented writer tells you that, your ego bursts. And then you write your next chapter and you’re in for another round of self-doubt ;)

taggity tags:

So, who would be susceptible to do this... @snavej (your were already tagged I think?) @shesailsships, @alexeiadrae (I know you’ve done a recap of your writing year, I tag you just in case you feel like doing this, too), @amynchan, @gryphonfledgling, @vzyfny (I feel you’ve already done this, but my brain isn’t able to remember). And any other writer I may have forgotten, please feel free to answer this!