#or the frostlike fear that numbs me even under my blanket covers
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#i want to be a normal person for just one day#i want to live life without the cold sweat of anxiety dripping down my neck#or the frostlike fear that numbs me even under my blanket covers#id like to stop feeling so scared of death that staying alive feels like being shackled to concrete in water#i want to look at my young traumatized self and say that he can look forward to the future because things are better#i want to tell him im not scared anymore and have it not be a lie#i want to tell my middle school self it was worth the pain to stay alive#i want to tell my high school self that i know my worth now#but unfortunately i cant and even if i wanted to id be lying because im worse than ive ever been#except for that boy who stayed up for a week to not die in his sleep and obsessively checked his parents health#but here i am as a man pouring my antidepressants down the drain and fucking up every time i get better#because momma raised me to live on dysfunction and who am i to refuse her teachings#so i (we) hold depression to our hearts and press our lips to pain because in the end we know it loves us more than anything ever has#because its the only thing to stick around after everyone has left and and the world has fallen asleep#and i know it's going to kill me one day. but so will cigarettes and yet there are people who smoke them every day for comfort#right now theres a storm outside making the tree by my window sway like a metronome#i am staying awake because despite it all i want to live#and my body is tense. i am waiting for the crack of wood or groan of roots finally tearing free of the mud. ready to run away#and of course my thoughts would be put to rest if i slept but damn it all despite all these years me and that kid are still the same#depriving ourselves in order to ensure we survive. fully knowing that we dont enjoy the task of living#so ill stay up. screen burned into my retinas as i take my silent vigil. talking to myself in the tags of a stupod tumblr post#thinking. dreaming of having a dream. waiting for the outcome i cant anticipate.#maybe one day ill finally be able to enjoy storms.
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