#or somewhere around there. anywau

[lighthouseas]

okay and if i said byler dancing to this in a quiet moment before the final battle

[toxapexremade]

mmy god i high heaven my mother asked me to charge her phone last night and i took it to my room so i could easily swap to my phone once it got high% enough because i only have one charger and woke up to this Loud Ass Weird Ass alarm music she had set but i had no goddamn idea she set an alarm on her phone much less that she had set it to this weird fucking - it sounded like a loud as all hell baby lullaby type thing it was so rfucked up ajd im fucked up i wake up 4 hours after faling asleep this kind of terrifying to hear out of nowhere music BLARING somewhere in my room and i camt for the life of me process what it is im being dragged from sleep im comvinced im hallucinating and my phones cords and headphones all somehow wrapped around my arm and torso so im THRASHING trying to untangle myself before any real motor functions have kicked in with msuic like im being chased by PENIS GNOMES is playing and im like am i having a NIGHTMARE. WHERE AM I. anywaus i got the alarm off and told my father to wake my mom. im goign back to bed.

[audiovisualrecall]

Crying at 1 am bc missed opportunities, awkwardness, issues, anxiety. Like a sense of loss and grief even tho it's silly. Like, I saw espo at the show and I was there with ma and I suddenly got anxious and was overthinking what id talk to him about and that id be interrupting his convo w this other guy if I said hi and then ma had to push me to go say hi and then said I was feeling anxious and he was just like yknow cool abt it like why, you know me, and I didn't have an answer, and it's like my mom asked him how he was before I could ask, so then he ended up going back to chatting w the other guy again and i feel like it was both awkward and a missed opportunity to talk, plus I hate feeling and looking like a child, I don't know why it happens but if I go somewhere with a parent I feel like a kid and so even tho it's normal to have family come to an art show opening w u, I just fell into that. Or something. And I didn't know really anyone else there, except one person I spotted, but like, I just tend to assume ppl dont want to actually talk to me, that I'll annoy them, so I didn't go over to nate to talk but I did make eye contact and smile as I walked past them. And then espo vanished and basically the whole time was just me and ma wandering around looking at art and discussing stuff occasionally and grabbing a few food items occasionally and walking around in circles and me hovering near my paintings hoping someone would approach me to talk abt them or something. And then so mine are not for sale bc I'm attached to most of my paintings, I'm a dragon, they're my dragon hoard. So in the booklet some pieces have prices and some are listed nfs, so this guy was apparently interested in buying something? Idk if he was the one who bought this one photograph or not, but he asked me if mine were nfs or not and I told him yeah they're not for sale and he was like ok and moved on, and even tho I wasn't gonna change my mind, I wish I'd had business cards with me or something bc I can do prints, and i also will take painting commissions!! But I didn't have any on me bc they didn't arrive yet. And so I missed that opportunity completely. And I was just also thinking abt how many opportunities I've missed or declined because of health stuff or anxiety or distance from home, and it sucks, I want to do things but I'm not brave and I'm not able to do some things and I can't give myself my own humira and I'm also a hopelessly awkward anxious stupid child. If i had gone alone to the opening, maybe I would've talked to people I didn't know about their work, maybe I wouldn't have been anxious about talking to prof esposito. But then, maybe it would've been worse. I don't know. And really it was fine, it went well, I did enjoy it anywau, and first of all I went even tho I was anxious about going at all for multiple reasons and tried to back out last minute, I went, I stayed almost the whole time really, long after others had left, and I didn't have a bad time. But my brain wants to dwell and regret and pick pick pick at everything. When will I be able to feel comfortable around other people, when can I not feel hyperaware of my awkwardness and not overthink everything and just let myself talk to people, when will I not feel like an overdressed awkward child in a room full of adults, when will not knowing people not intimidate me, when will I be ok talking to people I do know, when will I be able to act normal when I'm with my mom and/or dad around others...