#or soemething i dont know

[disintegore]

jacks theme- SLEEP PARALYSIS

[batkid-from-another-father]

You do!? Oh, this is a joyous occasion! At last, someone who understands! Everyone else is just weirded out . . .

It really was! It was so much fun! The next time I go, do you want to come with? Abyss would love to meet you! Abyss stares back at you with more eyes than you can hope to see I felt better after drinking so much tea! And I was only there as a soul so I could drink as much as I wanted to without worrying about my body! The friend is alright, he got sent to another dimension. I think.

hi, tim..! sorry for not talking to you for a while; i was busy with a ton of stuff >_<;;

how are you?

H-hi! Um, I . . . I'm doing great! It's nice to uh to hear from you again! Um . . . I saw what happened to you apartment . . . I'm sorry that happened to you...

I just woke up from that magical multidimensional soul trapping coma actually! The tea party was really fun and it'll be nice to do it again 😁 we talked about so many things and I got shown so many things . . .

[infizero]

every time jesse and lake blush around each other i just

[haitaniapologist]

𝐓𝐎𝐊𝐑𝐄𝐕 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 !

AKASHI "SANZU" HARUCHIYO.

one shots & headcanons —

SPOILING YOU WITH HIS BLACK CARD — headcanons, ft. bonten.

A MILLION TIMES — nothing good comes from when your boyfriend's older brother calls you / alt: nothing goes like sanzu's wants, but you dont care (hurt with comfort, 100's followers event request)

series —

THE SANZUS.

AKASHI TAKEOMI.

one shots & headcanons —

A RAINY NIGHT — you make akashi takeomi speechless three times in the same night / alt: senju have her first period and takeomi realizes he loves you. (fluff)

SPOILING YOU WITH HIS BLACK CARD — headcanons, ft. bonten.

THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE — the king wasn't supposed to fall in love with his brother's future wife (royal au, angst, fluff)

THE OBJECT OF ALL MY DESIRES — takeomi knew how wrong it was to be with you, but after a talk with his friend, he decided to open his heart again / the bane of my existence part 2 (royal au, angst, smut, fluff)

THE SUN — you're the sun to takeomi's earth (fluff, 100's followers event request)

SOFT MORNINGS WITH THE AKASHIS SIBLINGS — your boyfriend's siblings (and him, too) are menaces (fluff)

series —

KEEPING UP WITH THE AKASHIS.

BAJI KEISUKE.

SAY YOU LIKE ME — baji keisuke was your neighbour, and you hated how close he was with your little brother, chifuyu (fluff, a bit of angst)

HAITANI RAN.

SPOILING YOU WITH HIS BLACK CARD — headcanons, ft. bonten.

FOR YOUR LOVE I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT — ran only see you as a younger sister. right? / alt: idiots in love. (fluff, smut, slighty angst)

THERE'S TWO ? — you have some news to tell your boyfriend / alt: a child with violet eyes would be cute, wouldn't it? (fluff, 100's followers event request)

I WANNA BE YOURS — ran is tired of you being so dense but, in your defense, you never thought he would love you as you loved him (fluff, a but of angst, 100's followers event request)

HAITANI RINDOU.

SPOILING YOU WITH HIS BLACK CARD — headcanons, ft. bonten.

PAPER RINGS — you like shiny things, but rindou could propose to you with a popsicle and you would say yes. (fluff, 100's followers event request)

MORE THAN ENOUGH — his insecurities get the best of rindou and he says soemething he doesn't mean (hurt to comfort, 100's followers event)

HANMA SHUJI.

FAVORITE CRIME — you were the light in hanma's life, until he lost you / alt: you never thought shuji would be the one to bring so much despair to your heart. (angst)

ALL FOR US ( favorite crime part 2 ) — the aftermatch of what happened in the night your brother died / alt: is yours and shuji's love enough to put everything behind? (angst, fluff)

BONTEN!HANMA X LIL SIS!HANAGAKI — hanma could never resist his boss little sister (smut, a bif of fluff)

HITTO KAKUCHO.

SPOILING YOU WITH HIS BLACK CARD — headcanons, ft. bonten.

ALL THE LITTLE STARTS OF MY HEART — you have been the holder of kakucho's affections since he first saw you, but you deserve so much better than him (royal au, fluff, a bit of angst)

INUI SEISHU.

BEACH DAY — you and seishu go to the beach together for the first time / alt: inui go to the beach for the first time since his sister died. (fluff, slightly angst)

DRAKEN'S LITTLE SISTER — inui knows how wrong it is, but he can't stop (fluff, smut)

KOKONOI HAJIME.

SPOILING YOU WITH HIS BLACK CARD — headcanons, ft. bonten.

KUROKAWA IZANA.

one shots & headcanons —

OJOS ASÍ — who wouldve've thought a pair of orchid eyes would never let your mind after going to a club with your best friend? (fluff)

series —

COUNTING SINS.

MITSUYA TAKASHI.

EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED — you are luna's and mana's babysitter and takashi is in love with you since he was ten, but apparently, you're going on a date with his best friend / alt: mana and luna are menaces and they want you as their sister (fluff, 100's followers event request)

NOT STRONG ENOUGH — takashi could be selfish on his birthday, couldn't he? (angst, fluff)

SANO SHINICHIRO.

A LOVE STORY LIKE OURS — a love story that should've ended when it began, as impossible as a flower blossoming on a winter night. however, shinichiro would never stop fighting for you (royal au, angst, fluff, smut)

SANO MANJIRO.

one shots & headcanons —

SPOILING YOU WITH HIS BLACK CARD — headcanons, ft. bonten.

series —

COUNTING SINS.

SHIBA TAIJU.

ONLY LOVE CAN HURT LIKE THIS — you hate your husband with all the fibers of your being, but a fateful night after a ball changed everything (royal au, angst, fluff, smut)

TAKE ME TO CHURCH — taiju is only vulnerable when he's physically hurt (smut, fluff, a bit of angst)

[parakeet]

im gonna tell you all somethng important.... thing about ur thoughts and dreams and emotions... every one uve ever had.... that a lot right... if that was laid out in front of you that would be so big... if you could see everyones dreams and emotions and thougbts alll laid out that would be so much... thats an entire universe... u are an entire universe... a beautiful nebula.... and people underestimate themselves so much ... its sad.. youre the only version of you who has existed okay...  you dont have to do soemething amazing to be important

the universe willl remember you.... the people who are here now need you... you can know someone for years and barely scratch the surface of who they are bc of how multi faceted we are... and our imaginations and how we create... its amazing how much we can do... how unique we are... people underestimate themselves so much... have faith in you. like i said before YOU are the only you 

have faith in a better tomorrow. god bless you all .good night!! xxxxx

[beepbeepbeepeedee]

Open Letter 1

Entry 6/10/22

I told A last night that i needed a friend hiatus. Idk i just feel like he failed me in a way which is so weird bc rationally i know he didn’t owe me everything i expected but, idk.

I feel just hurt and disrespected. Nearly every sexual encounter i’ve ever had has been traumatic. And this just makes me feel used and weird. Especially with what marina said about me. It really hurt

And he apologizes all the time and then shows up with a gift and i’m just supposed to be so okay all the time. I’m not okay. It hurts and idk how much of myself i have left to give. And i keep hoping and praying he’ll change but it’s the same conversation.

Like yesterday when i went to his place to talk about all that had happened, it just felt like the same convo we had all spring. “I’m sorry” “i’m going to prove that i can change” and idk it showed me nothing. I don’t believe that he’s sorry. And i want to so bad, i want nothing more than to just ignore that i’m feeling like this and ignore everything he’s ever said or done to hurt me and just be best friends again. But it hurts too much

It’s like a daily panic attack. My chest just feels full of pudding and glue and it’s hard to breathe. And he’s the one pouring it in and i’m like “yeah this is fine ! this is cool.” when it’s not. Idk it hurts so so much. Especially since i KNEW it like felt it in my gut and he made me feel paranoid and crazy. I hate being gaslit and it hurts. He promised he’d never hurt me again. Even when we started being friends again. And he ended up making me hate myself and adding to the sadness and self hatred i was feeling for most of 2022. And i HATE that he has this power over me. I hate that i did his dishes even YESTERDAY, i hate how when i told him i needed space i still tried comforting him. I hate how he makes me cry and feel like a fucking idiot.

Is something wrong with me ? it has to be a huge flaw beyond my mental illnesses because he dated her. He even fucked her when i was literally emotionally deconstructing. And he says i’m important to him, which idk if it’s bullshit or not. It has to be how i look idk. Maybe he doesnt like black people in that way ? idk. He’s the only person i’ve ever loved like actually. Not talking about obsession or infatuation. Like the actual thing. And each and every time i let myself do that, it goes out of control and he hurts me over and over.

We set a date but idk if i even want to be friends with him anymore, at least not until i stop loving him. but idk. No one has ever hurt me like this except for my parents. Why am i letting him do this. I swear i think i’m stupid. I have to be. I want him to fix it but not for my sake, for his. I want him to WANT to be in my life and show it. He says he does but lets me down every time. Idk how much more i can take. I’m feeling a lot rn imma go shower

6/11/22 1:52am

I was followed and called him. I feel so stupid. I shouldnt have but he’s my safe place. After all that i’ve felt from his actions i still feel safe with him and it makes me so mad. I’m so stupid. I hate how i’ve felt as a result of his actions. I dont feel like a person i feel like a pawn sometimes. Like he knows i’ll always come back somehow and always forgive him. Am i stupid ? and idk he asked me for soemething just now. It’s not bad but idk it rings to what my friendships are like sometimes, which are contractual. But in a painful way. We were fine. And then he’d hurt me and then repay me with a gift and i felt like "well i gotta forgive him, he gave me this thing"

I can’t love him more than i love myself. And it just feels so so fucking weird, bc i’ve never not loved him ? i mean of course at first it was platonic for like years but i always was like “this is a person i love and i want to protect that” and we can never be nice to each other at the same time it hurts idk. Like is it me? Am i incapable of being kind and showing love ? or do i just choose the wrong people to love ? why do i always choose my parents ? anthony is like a mix of my mom and my dad where like i love him but i’m so afraid of him. Like in bo burnham’s song Can’t Handle This he literally says “Part of me loves you/Part of me hates you/Part of me needs you/Part of me fears you” i’m so afraid of what you make me feel and what i experience when i’m with you but it’s so surreal. 

God i started crying while taking to you bc i started panicking. I can’t imagine my life without you in it somehow. Idk. i cant stop caring and i want to so bad got i hate you so much sometimes you make me feel so much pain and hate myself like in the self hate tree youre a hearty branch and i keep trying to cut it but it keeps growing back

Youre part of the reason i wanted to leave NY like idk i just feel like i would finally get loose of the grip you have on me and idk if i can even be angry bc idk if it’s on purpose but i’ve been abused so many times idk maybe i should be mad. Maybe it it purposeful god i dont know anything anymore and idk i felt like you wouldnt hurt me or take me for granted bc we were friends and i just got out of an abusive relationship, which followed an emotionally abusive relationship, and you basically proved to me why i don’t trust anyone and i just don’t know how to feel okay again. I feel like i can never trust anyone’s intentions again. You really fucking hurt me. And it’s not even the first time. And in october you said i need to trust you more and rely on that. And that has gotten me nowhere but crying into my keyboard and wishing you would care when i dont think you ever will. Maybe for a couple weeks but you’ll move on bc it’s not your problem and i’ll just cry and deal with all of that pain and idk. I hate you why do you keep doing this. It’s my fault. I basically keep making you be close to me it’s on me. You do need to be nicer to people idk.

I also just checked my email (friday night/saturday morning 3am 6/11/22), and i made it to the 3rd round of interviews for another company and i ran to IG and FUCK it hurts how much you’re still the person i wanna tell all my news to, good or bad. Idk i feel like our friendship has always been weird bc i’ve always loved you fuck i hate myself so much but its not my fault and it’s not yours. It’s idk fuck i just wanna not feel like this im so fucking hurt i can barely see through my tears rn

Idk man

[asmodevsa]

What is your favourite bts song from each of their albums?

Hi dear, thanks for this question, i was having a really boring day at work at it was nice!

This was really hard, but here it goes:

long post ahead 

2 COOL 4 SKOOL: NO MORE DREAM

Thats kinda cliche, but it was their debut song, and the first song I listened from them.

What is the you that you’ve dreamed of?Who do you see in the mirror? I gotta sayGo on your pathEven if you live for a dayDo somethingPut away your weakness

O!RUL8,2?: COFFEE

I love this lyrics so much! The song itself is calm and soft but also kinda bittersweet.

Our first date was sweet like a caramel macchiatoWherever we went, we wanted to go togetherBut as time went by,those feelings went down like dripping down espressoMy insides ache for no reason, we used to be so goodBreaking up was like a bitter americano

SKOOL LUV AFFAIR: TOMORROW

Last year I had a lot in my mind, I couldn’t find a job and everything was a mess, and then i listened to this song, as in, i really LISTENED, and it was like everything I was feeling and couldn’t say they expressed perfectly. It’s a really important song for me.

I have a long way to go butwhy am I running in place?I scream out of frustrationbut the empty air echoesI hope tomorrow willbe different from todayI’m just wishing

WAKE UP: THE STARS

This is the kind of song I need to listen once in a while, but tbh I haven’t listened to this in a while haha (idk if this is good or not tho)

Even if there are times when you feel discouraged, it’s not meaninglessEven if you’re in the last place now, if you have a dream you’re not

DARK&WILD: RAIN

I usually like walking around in rainy days because their great days to organize my thoughts, and this song express this really well. I love putting my earphones and listening this song when I feel blue.

The rain stops and the reflection in the puddleI see myself looking more miserable today

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN LIFE, PART 1: I NEED U  

I’ve never been in love like this, so I could never really relate my own feelings to the lyrics, which makes it even more crazy because it’s like I’m in pain, I’m feeling that dispair of being in a relationship that its not worth it. I also love the beat SO MUCH, and of course, this is where all the theories started!

Girl, just tell me you wanna break upGirl, just tell me it wasn’t loveI have no courage to say thatGive me my last giftSo I can’t ever go back to you

+ MOVING ON (이사)

I can’t not talk about this song, because it makes me so emotional. The lyrics are insanally personal, and it as the first time I felt closer to the boys.

While taking the last box out of the empty roomI looked back for a momentTimes we cried and laughedGoodbye now

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN LIFE, PART 2: RUN

I could be one of those cool kids who only like the songs that aren’t really “appreciated” but honestly I just love this song, and part of this was because of the MV too. Of course we have no idea of what’s going on in this history they’re trying to tell us and the theories are insane at this point but this song is just amazing, i also love the japanese version!

You are my only sun, one and only in the worldI bloomed for you, but I’m still getting thirsty

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN LIFE YOUNG FOREVER: EPILOGUE: YOUNG FOREVER

OT but I remember it came out in my mom’s birthday in that year lol

This song is amazing, I’m sad that it’s so short, I could (puns aside) listen to this forever. Its beautiful, and I especially like the unplugged version!

Trying to comfort myselfI tell myself the world can’t be perfectI start to let myself goThe thundering applause, I can’t own it forever

YOUTH: WISHING ON A STAR

I don’t have much to say about this song, I just love it because it makes me so soft haha it’s really sweet.

As long as you have a dream, you don’t have to worryIf you believe, it’ll shineThe pearl of the future, right right alrightIf you’re tired, you can rest while continuing to move forward

WINGS: 2!3!

This is really hard because here we have solo songs and each of them has it’s own meaning, I especially love Lie and Awake (I cried a lot listening Awake too) but this song is special because I still remember how I felt when I first listened to this. It was the day they released WINGS, and I was listening all the songs for the first time and reading the lyrics, this whole album itself is a roller coaster in the best way, and then when it came to this song I was reading the lyrics when I suddenly couldnt read anymore because my eyes were full of tears. I didn’t know why I was in pain, but I was and it was like this seven boys who I never met knew about my pain and wanted to help.

Still, I hope there will be good daysIf you believe me, 1, 2, 3

YOU NEVER WALK ALONE: SPRING DAY 

I don’t think this is surprising, this song is so delicate and honestly sad. They showed their emotions really well in this, all those bittersweet feelings when the song ends. i love thiis song a lot.

How much more do I have to wait?How many more nights do I have to stay up?Until I can see you?

LOVE YOURSELF: HER: 고민보다 GO 

Although I love Serendipity and Jimin’s voice (wich made everything more soft and pure) I relate to Go the most. My previous favorite songs were always sad somehow and this song and dance is just fun, but at the same time it talks about soemething serious. 

Just break it apartWe’re too young to just worryFor today, just go instead of worryingIf you get scared and say you’re saving, it becomes poopSo rub it all around

+ BONUS TRACK: SEA

Oh, how I cried my eyes out listening to this. I cry a lot and this is not a surprise but holy fuck, this song is good! I listened to this a lot in my last summer vacation while walking in the beach, it helped a lot!

In the end, we reached the mirageAnd it became our realityThe scary desertBecame the ocean with our blood, sweat and tearsBut why is there this fearIn between the happiness?Because we know too well that this place is really a desert

FACE YOURSELF: DONT LEAVE ME

I don’t really relate to the lyrics but oh my god, the vocals are insane. It’s the kind of music I would use for a soundtrack of something really emotinal and strong.

If only I could rewind time and start over                                                                 You cry between the shadow and light

LOVE YOURSELF TEAR: SO WHAT 

This was harder because I’m still listening to this album a lot and discovering about how each song makes me feel. I have a soft spot for Paradise and Magic Shop too, but so what is the song that I can relate myself in this moment of my life, just as 2!3! in 2016

Even if it’s dangerous on the borderLet’s just laugh and chat and split through the windSometimes, we can be foolish and just runEven with mistakes and tears, we just go

[adorkablephil]

Fic: Listen (Chapter 2)

Title: Listen Rating: PG Word Count: 2.8K for this chapter Summary: Phil is a successful YouTuber, and Dan is a fan desperate for attention. Sounds like 2009, right? Except Phil is Deaf. Tags: AU, Deaf!Phil, Strangers to Friends to Lovers Author’s Note: All dates are obviously completely fictionalized, including Dan’s little subscriber count milestone. This is an AU, in case you hadn’t noticed. :) Extreme thanks to the Treehouse Mailing List for all their support and encouragement! Fic also available on AO3 here

[Masterlist of all “Listen” chapters on Tumblr]

Chapter 2: Talk to Me

danisnotonfire You said to DM you, so here I am. DMing you. This feels weird. Is it weird? I think maybe Im making it weird. 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil It’s not weird. Or if it is, that’s cool. I like weird. ;) 8 September 2009

danisnotonfire lol 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil I was interested in what you were saying about the FFVII soundtrack. Tell me more about why you like the music so much. 8 September 2009

danisnotonfire Have you lestined to it? 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil No 8 September 2009

danisnotonfire But you play the game, right? It ws in your video 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil It’s hard to explain, but I play it with the sound off. 8 September 2009

danisnotonfire ??? 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil But seriously, I’m interested. Tell me about the music. 8 September 2009

Dan’s passion for music inspired Phil to download the song “Interrupted by Fireworks” and play it loud enough that he could feel the tempo by laying his palms flat on the speakers.

After his roommates complained about the noise, he only did it again at times when they weren’t home.

AmazingPhil This is going to seem really weird, but I’ve felt awkward about bringing it up. 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire I am the king of awkward lol 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire Bring what up? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil It’s just, we’ve been talking for weeks, and I haven’t said anything about it. 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire ??? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Okay, well, I’m Deaf. 27 September 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire You cant hear? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Yes, Dan, that’s what Deaf means. 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire Hey no need to be a jerk about it. I’m just surprised. 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire Why didn’t you ever say anything? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Well, I thought you would have figured it out from some of my videos and stuff I’ve tweeted, but then when you started talking about music, I just … 27 September 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire I am such an idiot. 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil No you’re not! That’s why I didn’t want to say anything! 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire why? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Because I liked talking to you, and I didn’t want you to be embarrassed or something. Or to maybe think I was a freak or something. 27 September 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire I dont think your a freak 27 September 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire the whole reason i started liking your videos was because you dont talk in them 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire is that weird? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Maybe we’re both a little weird. But I don’t mind if you don’t. :) 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire xD 27 September 2009

One of Phil’s old friends from school had gone all the way to America to attend Gallaudet University, since it was the most highly respected university for the Deaf in the world. She’d had to study ASL in advance, of course, since it was a completely different language than BSL, but she seemed to be really enjoying her studies there. Apparently the sense of Deaf community there was more than she’d even imagined in Manchester. She practically glowed when she talked about her feeling of belonging.

Phil was jealous.

He’d chosen York because of his interest in their graduate program in video postproduction, since he’d loved experimenting with film since childhood, but his isolation as an undergraduate made him wonder how well a Deaf student would be received in the graduate program. Would they even make any accommodation for him in studying what they might perceive as a definitively audio and visual medium?

He and Sharon occasionally Skyped when the time difference allowed, but she now sometimes slipped into ASL without noticing, and Phil found himself feeling like even his Deaf friends were slipping away.

AmazingPhil Maybe we could Skype sometime? I mean, I can’t talk, obviously, or hear you, but we could at least see each other in real life and not just Dailybooth pics. :] 2 October 2009

danisnotonfire How would we talk tho? 2 October 2009

AmazingPhil I don’t know. We could write on paper and hold it up or something? 2 October 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire ok 2 October 2009

AmazingPhil Now? 2 October 2009

danisnotonfire ok 2 October 2009

AmazingPhil YAY! 2 October 2009

AmazingPhil See you soon! 2 October 2009

Dan seemed cripplingly shy in their first Skype call. He avoided eye contact much of the time, which made communicating rather difficult, but he loosened up a bit by the end and even seemed to flirt a bit.

Phil tried really hard not to develop a crush.

He was not particularly successful.

They exchanged phone numbers and began texting constantly, not to mention the lengthy Skype calls. Dan talked about his own interest in making videos, but gloomily doubted his ability to create anything interesting or worthwhile. Phil urged him to give it a try.

15 October 2009

Phil: I think you should upload it. It’s really good. Really!

Dan: I don’t now. I’m afraid people will think its kind of weird.

Phil: Weird is kind of our thing, though, isn’t it? :p

Dan: I just dont want to look stupid or soemething. i mean it kind of sucks

Phil: Dan, it’s brilliant. I promise.

Phil: I have to ask, though. The subtitle thing. Did you do that because of me?

Dan: No. I dont know. Not really. i just liked it. I thought it looked cool.

Phil: It DOES look cool. I just didn’t want …

Dan: what?

Phil: I don’t know. I didn’t want you to be making videos for me like that just because I’m Deaf. I know that sounds stupid. Never mind.

Dan: No i now what you mean. That wasn’t why i did it. I told you i first liked your videos becuz you didnt talk in them. So I guess I liked that style, but mine is different. right?

Phil: Of course! Your style is completely different from mine! I love the old-time silent movie thing, with the title cards and everything. It’s really unique! That’s why I think it’s so brilliant!

Phil: That’s why you should definitely upload it.

Dan: really?

Phil: Absolutely!

[a few minutes pass]

Dan: ok

Dan: maybe tmorrow

When Dan uploaded his first video, Phil tweeted about it enthusiastically to encourage his own online friends and fans to check it out, and unsurprisingly people loved it.

Dan’s unique, silent film era style, complete with occasional sepia tones and use of fancy-font title cards to communicate all dialogue and narration, approached modern-day storytelling and vlogging from a completely fresh perspective. He told stories about his own life, but in a style no one had used before.

People were intrigued. Other YouTubers Phil had come to know over the years quickly began interacting with Dan on Twitter, and Dan gathered an enthusiastic audience almost right from the start.

And Dan’s looks certainly didn’t hurt. Phil tried to ignore any jealousy he felt about the amount of flirting he saw going on publicly over social media. He and Dan were friends. Maybe they flirted, but apparently Dan flirted with everyone. It didn’t mean anything.

23 October 2009

Phil: Are you going to the Halloween gathering in London next week?

Dan: no

Phil: Why not? You’re officially a YouTuber now! You should come!

Dan: I can’t

Phil: We could finally meet. That would be so cool!

Dan: I said I cant

Dan: Just drop it ok?

[a few minutes pass]

Phil: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push or anything.

Phil: I mean, of course if you don’t want to come, that’s fine.

Phil: I just thought it would be cool to meet you in person.

Phil: I mean, you’re one of my closest friends now and we’ve never even met!

[no response]

[after an hour, Phil logs off]

Phil took the train to London and attended the Halloween Gathering on his own, but felt Dan’s absence keenly the entire time. He brought a white board and a few different colored pens so he could communicate with people more easily, and found that YouTubers were less shy about such things than the average uni student seemed to be. They seemed to find the white board an intriguing novelty and eagerly interacted with him through it.

They didn’t treat him like a freak.

Or, at least, they treated him like their own kind of freak.

He’d discovered a different community. One that wasn’t perhaps as easily familiar and comfortable as the Deaf community he’d grown up in, but a community nonetheless.

He just wished Dan had gotten to experience it, too.

He kept in touch with another YouTuber he’d met at the London gathering, a guy named PJ who had been particularly unselfconscious about using pantomime, facial expression, and the occasional impromptu prop to communicate with Phil instead of relying exclusively on words written on the white board.

Their brains seemed to work in similarly creative ways, and they collaborated on a sort of abstract short film they’d sketched out together on a series of paper napkins during dinner at the gathering. Phil was pretty proud of the way the project turned out, and PJ seemed happy with it, too. They put it up on PJ’s channel, and it got quite a bit of enthusiastic viewer response.

Dan’s blatantly passive-aggressive jealousy about the whole thing was Phil’s first hint that his own more-than-platonic interest might be reciprocated, but he tried not to get his hopes up.

13 December 2009

Dan: I can’t believe I hit 10,000 subscribers!

Phil: Yeah, well, everybody loves danisnotonfire.

Dan: really? so that includes you? ;)

Phil: Nah. Not me.

Phil: I don’t love danisnotonfire.

Phil: I love Dan Howell.

[a minute passes]

Dan: I love Phil Lester, too.

Phil finished his graduate degree in York and returned to Manchester to find himself a flat on his own. He liked the independence but also enjoyed being closer to his family again, and some of his friends from school and college had returned to the area after uni as well.

Returning to some involvement with Deaf culture encouraged Phil to gradually shift the content of his videos, as he became more comfortable openly signing anecdotes about his life, influenced no doubt by Dan’s focus on his everyday life experiences in his own videos.

Viewer response was mixed. Some of Phil’s loyal audience rolled with the changes and seemed to enjoy the more personal glimpses into his life and personality, but others left ignorant, offensive comments about deafness and sign language. He lost some subscribers. Making his content more personal had made the cruel comments feel more personal, too. But when something online hurt his feelings, he just texted a real-life person he knew accepted him just as he was, and it helped.

Being able to sign with people again made his life richer and more fulfilling … and yet he found himself looking forward to his evening Skype calls more than any real-life interactions with his old friends. His family expressed concern that this obsession with a “stranger” on the Internet wasn’t healthy, but they just didn’t understand.

Phil had fallen harder than he ever had before, and with someone he’d never even met in person.

In a strange way, Phil felt simultaneously happier and lonelier than he’d ever been.

11 June 2011

Phil: Are you going to Summer in the City this year?

Dan: no

Phil: You have a lot of fans now. I’m sure they’d like to meet you!

Phil: And there are other people who would like to meet you, too! :p

[a few minutes pass]

Phil: Dan?

[several minutes pass]

Dan: I said no. Jesus phil just leave it the fuck alone!

Phil: Hey, I’m sorry! I’m not trying to pressure you!

Phil: I’m just starting to feel like this is kind of weird. Like I have a boyfriend I’ve never even met.

Dan: weird is what we do, right?

[a few minutes pass]

Phil: Yeah. Right.

Phil: I know.

Phil: I’d just really like to meet you.

[no response]

[after a really long time, Phil logs off]

Phil attended Summer in the City on his own again, painfully aware of how much closer he was to Dan when he visited London than when he was back home in Manchester. Painfully aware that Dan not only hadn’t wanted to attend the convention, but hadn’t even responded to Phil’s desire to meet.

He talked with other YouTubers, made plans for possible future collaborations, and hugged dozens of enthusiastic fans, took hundreds of smiling selfies. But the entire time, he couldn’t help but think that Dan was only 40 miles away, instead of the usual 200. Less than an hour by train.

So near, and yet not within reach. He felt it like a physical pain.

15 June 2011

Dan: remember when you first told me you were deaf?

Phil: Yeah?

Dan: and you were afraid i woud think you were a freak

Phil: Right, but you didn’t. Right?

Dan: of course not you idiot <3

Phil: So what’s going on?

Dan: theres soemthing i havent told you

Phil: You can tell me anything. I love you. You know that.

Dan: but its really weird

Phil: Weird is what we do. <3<3<3

[several minutes pass]

Dan: i dont talk

Phil: Like you’re shy? I wondered if that might be why you wouldn’t go to the gatherings and stuff.

Dan: no i dont talk

Phil: But you talk to me all the time. I’m confused.

Dan: i mean to people. out loud. irl i don’t talk. ever

Phil: Okay.

Dan: ok?

Phil: Yeah. Okay. I mean, I don’t talk either. Are you Deaf too? Is that why you don’t talk? Why didn’t you ever say anything?

[several minutes pass]

Dan: no i’m not deaf i just dont talk

Phil: It’s okay, Dan. I just want to understand. Why don’t you talk?

[no response]

[after a very, very long time, Phil logs off]

Phil didn’t know what to do with what Dan had told him, especially since Dan had sort of dropped a bomb and then just run off without explaining anything.

One thing was clear, though. Dan didn’t like being pushed. When he wanted to talk about this—no pun intended—he would.

Because if one other thing was clear, it was that Phil was willing to wait.

6 July 2011

Dan: You havent brought it up.

Phil: What?

Dan: You havent ever asked about the talking thing.

Phil: I did. You didn’t answer.

Dan: yeah but you havent asked again since

Phil: Did you want me to?

[several minutes pass]

Dan: I dont know. maybe

Phil: Okay. Why don’t you talk?

[several minutes pass]

Dan: I havent talked since I was 8.

Phil: Wow. That’s a long time.

[a few minutes pass]

Dan: yeah

[a few minutes pass]

Phil: Is that why you never wanted to meet?

Dan: yeah i didn’t want you to think I was a freak

Phil: Dan, weird is what we do. And I’m Deaf!

Dan: Well yeah but you dont do that on purpose.

Phil: You do it on purpose?

Dan: sort of i guess

Phil: So you could talk if you wanted to, but you don’t want to?

[several minutes pass]

Phil: Dan?

[several minutes pass]

Phil: Dan, I don’t think you’re a freak. Just talk to me.

Phil: Crap. You know what I mean.

[no response]

[hours later, Phil finally logs off]

Phil did some research into muteness that someone might call “on purpose,” just wanting to understand, and found himself wondering if what Dan experienced was maybe something called “selective mutism” or maybe a “conversion disorder.” As far as he could tell, neither one was truly something anyone did purposely, but, really, if Dan didn’t want to talk about it, Phil wouldn’t be able to understand much at all. He just wanted to educate himself a bit so that if Dan ever did want to talk about it, he’d be less likely to say something stupid and make Dan shut down even more.

12 February 2012

Dan: I have a question to ask you.

Phil: Okay.

Dan: but its making me really nervous

Phil: I love you, Dan. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay. I promise. <3

[several minutes pass]

Dan: do you think maybe i could come visit you in manchester?

Phil: Skype me right now this very minute because you have to see how big my smile is! <3<3<3<3<3

[Continue to Chapter 3]