#or otherwise. who would be the most objectively funniest to be Tied to this place in some way

[ozzyfromthecafeteria]

do you guys remember that one really remote walmart in kodiak, alaska that the internet collectively banished pitbull to? i say this is where the shadows alaskan immortals players are.

[booknerdproblems]

Hello lovely people! Chapter 8 of my rowaelin pining fic. This update is later than usual due to lack of inspiration and me drowning in work. It's slightly longer though so yay! You can also read it on Ao3 and the links to the rest of the chapters is here.

Now, this story is going to be updated even less now, although I might come back to it in a while. I have other stories and one shots in the works however so I'll post those soon. If I do update this in the future, the chapters will not have an ongoing plot unless I say otherwise.

This chapter was really hard to write so it doesn't flow all too well, but I hope you like it anyways! Comments are appreciated!

TW: smut!

Rowan Whitethorn, was, once again, fucked. He’d been chatting to Essar, perfectly innocently, and now he was here. After he’d informed Essar that he did, in fact, have a brilliant girlfriend, and she’d congratulated him, they’d got to talking.

It turned out he had ties with her company at work, and she had just given him her phone number so they could discuss business, when he turned to get back to his friends, to find Aelin blatantly grinding against a man on the dance floor. He had no objections to her dancing with other people, even if it did put his teeth on edge. So he gritted his teeth and got through it.

As the night went on, however, Rowan started to think she was making him uncomfortable on purpose. She either ignored him or gave him one word answers, all the while outright flirting with every man who crossed her path. After about two hours, it was late, and Rowan was tipsy, tired and pissed off.

Aelin was sitting at the bar, playing with a random ring on her hand. Rowan stormed up to her and grabbed her arm,

“We’re leaving. Now”

Aelin just shot him a glare, waved goodbye to Lys, and left him to follow her out of the building. Cool night air hit Rowan, and he took several deep breaths before turning to follow Aelin on the short walk back to her apartment, three streets away from the bar.

Once they were safely inside, riding the elevator to Aelin’s floor, Rowan turned on her.

“What was that?” He demanded, his accent thicker due to the alcohol he’d consumed.

“What was what?” Aelin spat at him.

“That. Back there. I leave to go to get drinks, and I come back to you flirting shamelessly with every male to cross your path.” His voice rose, not quite shouting.

“What, so now I’m with you I’m not allowed to talk to any other man? Am I allowed to talk to Aedion? My cousin? Are you paranoid I’m not allowed to talk to my own gods-damned cousin, you overbearing asshole.” She hissed the last insult, and stormed towards her door, fumbling with her keys.

“Stop putting words in my mouth, you know I didn’t mean it like that Aelin.”

She cursed, managing to insert the key into the lock and the door swung open.

“Then what are you saying Rowan, you think I’m so unfaithful that I would cheat on you? You think that little of me?”

“No Aelin, the point is you just went off, no explanation, and fucking ignored me for no bloody reason.” He was starting to get really angry, and that last whiskey was not helping things.

“What about you, Rowan? What about you? Huh? You go off to get drinks, and start flirting with all your ex hook ups? Don’t act like I’m the bad guy here. You are just as bad as me.”

Everything clicked in Rowan’s mind, and a small smile came over his face.

“Oh, is that it Aelin? You saw me talking to Essar? Oh, Fireheart, are you- are you jealous?”

A look of fury overtook Aelin’s face, and he realised how that must have sounded.

“You condescending asshole,” Aelin got right in his face, “you hypocrite, you absolute prick,” she hissed insult after insult at him, her arms flailing everywhere.

He grabbed her wrists, and drew her in close. She was so gorgeous, even whilst spitting mad.

“Aelin, stop.” He demanded.

To his surprise, she did, her body obeying the dominance in his voice.

He rested his forehead against hers, breathing heavily.

“I did not so much as hint to Essar that that was an option. She came up to me, I told her that I do, in fact, have an amazing girlfriend,” Rowan flicked Aelin’s nose, “she respected that, and we started chatting. Turns out, we have business together. She gave me her number, purely for professional purposes, I can assure you.”

Aelin bit her lip, looking uncertain. So Rowan continued,

“Aelin. Aelin, look at me,” he tilted her chin up, and she looked up at him through thick lashes, “why would I need to be with Essar? I have the cleverest, funniest, most gorgeous girlfriend in the whole wide world.”

It was a sweet moment, but she was breathing heavily, and so was he. It was then he realised how close they were standing. Then, despite his words, all the anger bubbled over and she pulled him in for a ferocious kiss. It was all teeth and tongue. It was filled with burning lust and an edge of possessiveness.

He pulled back, searching her eyes for any hurt still lingering.

-x-

Aelin tilted her head up, rising up on her toes as she started placing hot, open-mouthed kisses along his jawline. Running her fingers over his shoulders, she pulled at his shirt.

Once it was off, he lifted her, wrapping her legs around his waist and walking into her bedroom, making sure not to trip over the many things she left on the floor.

She kissed over his collarbones, then up his neck, then down his chest as far as she could go in this position. Nipping and biting, she worked colour into his skin, marking him.

Mine. The word echoed between them.

He dropped her roughly onto the bed, quickly crawling up the length of her body, removing her dress as he did so. He kissed his way up her stomach, and she reached around to remove her lacy black bra.

Aelin’s skin was on fire, everywhere Rowan touched sent a line of white-hot desire straight between her legs.

He grabbed her jaw with one hand, roughly pulling her lips to his as his other hand went to her breast, and she arched into his touch.

His fingers trailed down her body and slipped between her thighs, causing her to gasp into Rowan’s mouth.

He made quick work of it, impatient and not at all teasing as he slipped two fingers inside of her easily, his thumb rubbing her clit in small, fast circles.

His other hand pinned her wrists above her head, much too easily for her liking, and he laughed darkly as she whimpered, the pleasure from simply his fingers almost too much to handle.

Just as she was teetering on the edge, so close, he pulled his fingers out of her, and she cried out in frustration.

He pulled off his undershorts and flipped her over, tilting her hips up.

They both moaned as he entered her fast and hard, and quickly set a rough, demanding pace she could barely keep up with.

She was struggling to get breath down, he filled her so completely, and was utterly ravaging her.

He fucked her with all the anger and pent-up frustration they had built up throughout the night. He wrapped a hand around a handful of her hair, and pulled it back so her back was arched in front of him.

His moans of her name only helped her climax build, and he placed a gentle hand around her neck, hauling her up so her back was pressed against his abdomen. She clenched around him, and the hand around her neck tightened slightly, leaving her breathless as her head lolled back onto his shoulder. His hand went to her clit, fucking her hard and rough as she came, hard. Her vision went white, and she could only feel the intense pleasure washing through her and the man at her back as he came with her.

After a couple of minutes, she was tucked into his side while he stroked her hair soothingly.

“I really didn’t mean to make you jealous,” he whispered.

“It's okay. I shouldn't have assumed.” she murmured back.

“Don’t worry . I get it. You have no idea how jealous I got seeing you with those other men.” He groaned.

Aelin giggled softly, and he folded her into his arms, kissing her forehead and pulling the blankets over them.

[kimjauhiainen]

“Men at Work”(1990) – the best garbagemen film ever made

(originally published on Talkbacker.com on March 28, 2014)

James: This is the last year we throw trash. Carl: You said that last year. James: Yeah, but this year I mean it. Carl: You meant it last year.

Stewart Copeland’s propulsive, and very recognizable music opens Men at Work. We start from the bottom of the ocean, with the camera gliding through murky waters and revealing barrels of questionable material being dumped by some shady operators. This operation is overseen by dirty City Councilman Jack Berger (Darrell Larson) and the main villain, Maxwell Potterdam III (played as a total cartoon villain by John Getz, probably best remembered as Geena Davis’ boss/ex-boyfriend from David Cronenberg’s The Fly. Very soon, it’s revealed that the Councilman has grown a conscience and is recording evidence against Potterdam. The tape that has the recording soon becomes the McGuffin of the film. Men at Work has some shade of an environmentalist plot, but the plot very quickly takes a step back as we meet our main characters:

James: What an absolutely gorgeous day. Warm Sun, beautiful women… Carl(and James, together): And the air is just right for drinking!

James St. James (Emilio Estevez) and Carl Taylor (Charlie Sheen) are slackers and best friends (There are some sources over the web that claim them to be brothers, but this is not referred to in the film, and the different last names also speak against it. Yes – I know Sheen and Estevez ALSO have different last names, but let’s refer to James and Carl as “friends” for now, shall we?), who are just passing time as a pair of garbage men, while keeping up a hopeless pipe dream of opening a surf shop at the beach. The poster of the film might give an impression that they are the BEST garbage men in the world. They are NOT. They are just passing the time, throwing the trash-bins (and trash, including melons and a bowling ball) everywhere, making one hell of a noise, investigating – and criticizing – peoples trash (underwear, porn, whatever…), and are constantly harassed by a pair of hapless bicycle cops, just itching to arrest the pair.

They are also constantly pulling pranks (most of which include a delicately placed airbag, filled with shit) on an annoying pair of B-TEAM garbage men, who mostly fail to retaliate to these gags.

In their outside-of-work lives, James is a serial womanizer (actually picking women even from the garbage route), Carl’s relationship has just ended and he passes the time by stalking the next-door building in full Rear Window-mode, and target practicing with his pellet gun (shooting councilman Berger’s election ad, for example). The object of Carl’s stalking is Susan Wilkins (Leslie Hope, best known as Jack Bauers ill-fated wife Teri in season 1 of 24), who actually happens to be Berger’s campaign manager. Like an old-fashioned screwball-comedy, EVERYTHING is connected. After Carl and James get reprimanded by their boss about their behavior, they spend the evening drinking and playing Trivial Pursuit. At that time, a bewildered Berger shows up at Susan’s apartment, looking for the McGuffin which has accidentally ended up with her. Carl gets annoyed by Bergers aggressive behavior and shoots him in the ass with his pellet gun when Susan’s in the other room. As Carl and James hide from sight, Potterdam’s thugs enter the apartment, strangle Berger, take the body away, and put it in a barrel, which get’s misplaced.

Well, there’s the opening act in a nutshell. But all is about to change. See – because of their behavior, their boss Walt has given them a ride-along supervisor, his brother-in-law, and then the boss bursts into hysterical laughter. He clearly knows something we don’t. And the next hungover morning we get this exchange:

Carl: James, do us both a favor. Whatever you do,  don’t give this observer guy a hard time today. I figure if we behave ourselves, show him that we’re a couple of good guys, we’ll get him out of our hair a lot quicker. James: OK… Carl: For all we know…he could be some crazed combat veteran.

Boom. Cue marching music, cut to the guys on their route, and sitting next to them is the Ultimate Secret Weapon of this film, Louis Fedders (Keith David), dressed in an army shirt. Louis in fact IS a crazed combat veteran, and during the next stretch of the film, we see just HOW crazy he is. Keith David just downright steals his film from the moment he appears. He seems to be wearing his wardrobe from “Platoon”, and maybe this film in a kind of bizarro sequel to that film, as Charlie Sheen starred in it, too. David’s Louis is a jittery cluster of anger and resentment towards all others. He clearly has a post-traumatic syndrome of some kind. And is most likely a psychotic. As James bitches about his overseeing them, he first laughs, and then lunges at James, accidentally slugging Carl in the process. As they are sitting at a luncheon, he’s drawing a sketch oh a lovely pier with people on it, the we are revealed that he’s drawn an attack helicopter shooting missiles at the pier. He shows some signs of kindness, only to grab James’ arm when James tries to snag a french fry off his plate. Then he proceeds to give this menacing dialogue:

Louis: There are several sacred things in this world that you don’t *ever* mess with. One of them happens to be another man’s fries. Now, you remember that, and you will live a long and healthy life.

Yup. Good old Louis is crazier than a bag of crazy glue.

While collecting trash, the guys find the Councilman’s body, misplaced by the killers, and more craziness ensues:

Carl thinks he killed Berger with his pellet gun, Louis sees the strangle marks and now they believe that Susan killed Berger. The bicycle cops appear, and since no-one wants trouble from them, cue some Weekend at Bernies-type comedy as they are now all trying to cover their own asses. Berger’s body finally ends up sitting in the toilet of the guys’ apartment, wearing a Richard Nixon(!)-mask… Carl decides to go investigating Susan’s apartment for evidence, while James and Louis observe from across the street. A poor pizza-delivery man ends up kidnapped by Louis, because “he’s seen too much”. Meanwhile, Carl ends up pretending to be a Frenologist (a scientist interpreting the size of Walt’s asshole – I mean: skull features) as he ends up in Susan’s place. Pretty soon ALL the different parties with different agendas (Potterdam’s hitmen, The B-TEAM, the bicycle cops) gather in the same location, and all kinds of slapstick and chase-comedy follows, culminating at the City Dump, where Potterdam and his goons are finally dealt with, and a happy ending (TM) follows.

There’s the overall story of the film. The reasons it works are:

– Estevez’ direction. This was his second feature as a director, his first being the film “Wisdom (1986)”. I saw that one on TV in the early 90’s, and remember it being a really solid debut. A story of the rise and fall of a young delinquent (with some shades of the story in “Badlands”, starring father Martin Sheen. Fun fact: he played a garbageman in that…), but kinda screwed by a blatant “Dallas”-quality twist ending. Estevez directs with a steady hand, great timing and creative camerawork (the trash-picking scenes are edited almost like an action film, with fast cuts and cool slow-motion).

– The chemistry between Carl and James. Well, duh – as real-life brothers, the chemistry comes naturally for Estevez and Sheen. Too bad they have not worked together on more projects aside from Young Guns and Rated X, and with Sheen’s recent public meltdowns, it seems very unlikely they will. SOME dialogue might played a bit too smart-assy, but let’s give ‘em that.

– The different comedy pairings. From Carl & James to Potterdam’s hitmen Biff & Mario (who as a pair of bickering, bullshitting hitmen seem like a weird prototype for Jules & Vincent in “Pulp Fiction”), The bicycle cops Mike & Jeff (who are clearly all tough talk behind a badge and end up tied in a sexual position to a playground ferris-wheel in their undies by Louis – one more bizarre act by him) and the B-TEAM Luzinski & Frost, this film is filled these weird, caricatured teams, who just work.

– KEITH EFFING DAVID. He deliver’s the best – and funniest – performance in this film. His crazy character in kinda acting as a catalyst to all the chaotic moments that happen. David plays this character completely straight too, not winking at the audience at any time. I would say, that this is almost worthy of a nomination for “best supporting actor”. David has further shown his comedy chops in later films, most memorably as Mary’s Father in There’s Something about Mary (remember the zipper scene?).

I first discovered Men at Work as a used rental VHS tape. It was actually in good condition, so I guess not many rentals, then. That tape got pretty worn out after that, and it’s good that a DVD now exists. I have friends who don’t understand some of my bizarre favourite movies – The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is another one I get picked on occasionally – but why should I care? Once again, the phrase “it’s not high art, but it’s funny” stands. It’s entertaining, HIGHLY quotable and features some extremely funny performances.

Like Jim Carrey’s Colonel Stars & Stripes said in Kick-ass 2: “Try to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

[jasonseligson]

On Binge-Watching, Likable Characters, and The Office Finale

Confession: Up until recently, I had only seen maybe five episodes of the American version of The Office. I understand that I’m a little late to the party on this one: The Office has always been a gap in my pop culture viewing. The show premiered when I was in middle school, and over the next nine years, became something I always wanted to start but somehow never got around to (I chalk it up to having too much homework and no DVR). In any case, I was finally able to make up for it this winter, by watching the entire series on Netflix.

When a show is as popular as The Office is, information about it has a way of reaching everyone, even those who haven’t watched it. So long before starting the series, I had certain expectations going in. For example, I had a mental flagpole planted at the end of Season 7, since I knew that would when Steve Carell would exit. I also had heard, from a number of fans, that after his exit, the show would take a nosedive in quality. On the one hand, I had a long time before I reached that point, but on the other, that information sat there in the back of my head as I watched.

Fast forward to Seasons 8 & 9. The “worst” seasons of the show, the ones I’d been bracing myself for, weren’t that good, but I found that they also weren’t so terrible. I guess the pre-existing knowledge that the Carell-less years would be sub-par played a part in how I ultimately perceived them. But I think the biggest reason why I wasn’t all that fazed after Michael’s departure was because of the way I was watching it. I’m talking, of course, about what the kids call “binge-watching” (there really needs to be a better term for that). Going from one season to the next wasn’t a big ordeal; it was as simple as clicking “play next episode.”

I had an awareness that the show had changed—even if I hadn’t been told in advance, I would have noticed based on what I saw on screen. I definitely believe Seasons 8 & 9 are the series’ weakest, and with good reason. The show clearly had a void where Michael Scott was concerned and chose to have a revolving door of famous actors to fill his place. My favorite of these was Will Ferrell, who I had hoped would stick around as head boss for more than a few episodes; alas, we got stuck with James Spader for an entire season.

Thankfully, unlike a fans who were watching in “real time,” I was able to expedite the Spader era and the rest of these lesser episodes in no time at all. Even though I didn’t have the same experience, I totally sympathize with viewers who stuck it out as The Office during this time. I’ve been there before, with other shows, and trust me: watching a once beloved show become incrementally worse on a weekly basis is rough (I’m looking at you, Dexter). Comparatively, my job was much easier.

What struck me most while making my way through all nine seasons of The Office was how it—and all shows, really—are now viewed this way. Sure, I’d binge-watched a few shows before (Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, among others), but that was largely to avoid spoilers. I don’t have a hard-and-fast rule, but normally, I try to limit myself to 2-3 episodes of something in a sitting; it allows me to process what happened and to give my brain a rest.

So while I had experienced binge-watching for myself and understood the appeal, it wasn’t until watching The Office where I realized how this kind of viewing affects the overall way we perceive the stories we’re consuming. House of Cards—an otherwise methodical drama, becomes faster and potentially better with back-to-back-to-back sittings. This happens even more so with shows that have breakneck speeds—like Scandal or The Vampire Diaries.  I also think people are more willing to forgive flaws with shows that they binge-watch. When a show is mostly excellent, a single bad season becomes blurred as a piece of the whole image, and trudging through bad story can become the difference between ripping off a band-aid, or enduring a slow, torturous removal.

When watching television week to week, it’s easy to fall into the “What have you done for me lately?” mentality. We quickly forget that good shows go through bad patches. Sometimes those last for episodes, others for a whole season, and then sometimes, shows really do overstay their welcome. In general, I’m someone who doesn’t give up easily; television shows typically have to do a lot of damage over many seasons to have me check out completely. It’s rare, but it has happened. Thankfully, The Office was nowhere near that point, and even though I saw the rough patch coming like a flashing neon sign, I ignored it.

So yes, objectively, I see that The Office went on too long, but I also didn’t fully experience the period of waiting that is intricately tied to becoming frustrated with a TV show. Honestly, it felt like The Office did what most sitcoms do as they age: it became a little bigger in scope, the jokes were a little broader, and the characters started behaving out of character in order to serve certain storylines they were involved in (like Ed Helms’ Andy).

When it came down to its series finale, I think The Office went out with an hour that paid tribute to the series as a whole. To be fair, this show could have ended so many different times during its run: with the promise of Jim and Pam getting together, the wonderful two-part episode featuring their wedding, or certainly with Michael’s departure. Would The Office have been better if had ended earlier? Probably, but having two additional seasons did give them the opportunity to develop certain characters that had always remained on the periphery—as well as deliver a somewhat unexpected finale.

Setting the episode one year after the airing of the documentary allowed us to catch up with everyone one last time before saying goodbye. There were so many meta-jokes about what the documentary—i.e. The Office as a show itself—has meant to everyone who was a part of it, and everyone who watched it. People who sat in on the panel stood in for fans of the show. In an episode in which nothing “major” happened, the finale felt like a giant thank-you to its fans who had watched loyally for nearly a decade—or to the people like me, who came along for the ride too, even if that ride only lasted a few months.

My favorite moment at the documentary panel has to be when Erin (Ellie Kemper) finally gets to meet her parents; but I also enjoyed Pam’s summary of her and Jim’s relationship. “It’s like a long book that you never want to end,” she said. “And you’re fine with that, because you just never ever want to leave it.” Like Harry Potter, as the question-asker replies, The Office could have gone on forever, but all good things—even life at Dunder Mifflin—must come to an end.

“Finale” might not be the funniest episode in the show’s run, but it doesn’t need to be. It cuts right to the heart of the show: ordinary people who work together and become a family. I think what that’s what I’ll remember most about The Office: (that and the Season 7 episode “Scott’s Tots”) how it showed people that cared about each other in spite of their vast differences and craziness. They were a community (much like that other former-NBC show I love).

I really appreciated that The Office found that fine line between having characters who could be awful to each other, but could just as easily show compassion and support. I have a huge amount of respect for 30 Rock, a brilliant show in its own right, but that mostly comes from the level of sophistication that the writing had. Time after time, characters would spew words I only wish I could come up with, and while I greatly admired the absurd style, I never really connected to any of the characters. I always felt that one of the shortcomings of the show was that it often had little to no grounding aside from Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon. I’m not saying 30 Rock could have worked without its hyper-reality (nor would I have wanted it to), and again, the writing is brilliant, but what the show often lacks is heart.

Truthfully, likable characters aren’t necessary all the time; it’s more about making them human. Michael Scott, for all he is, is not always empathetic, but we still connect to him: to his desperation to be liked, to have a family. I’m still totally and pleasantly shocked that both Michael and Dwight, who could have easily become caricatures, all felt like real (albeit slightly insane) people. In the end, it’s that kind of grounding and genuine emotion that made me an even bigger fan of the show than any of its jokes ever could.