#or maybe that's just me & why i won't ever become a 'professional' writer

[thedeadtravelfast]

No Context WIP Tag Game

soooooooo flattered @goblins-riddles-or-frocks tagged me for this, it's like Goethe going "hey can I see some of your work?" uhhhh YES FUCK YES????

"This is all...it's so beautiful."

"Of course it is. Do you think I would go through all this effort and not have be beautiful?" He turned and approached me, a bright orange blossom with red-edged petals twirling in his fingers. 

He lifted the flower and carefully wove it in my hair, his fingers gently tugging at the strands. I felt my heart seize, as if he had reached into my breast and squeezed it, and even when he took his hands away it didn't relax. 

"But of course, none of it is as beautiful as you," he said and smiled warmly. 

I struggled to suppress the blushing raging in my cheeks but I could feel it glowing hotly, so instead I turned my face away and pretended to be enraptured by a grafted vine of orchids. 

I could feel Koschei's eyes on me, like a string attached to my every aspect so my every breath and movement had a sense of pulling at him, tempting him. I had never thought myself tempting before; before Koschei wanted me because he wanted everything, not for any particular reason. But now I felt wanted for a reason, for myself, that I in and of myself with all my features and manners and essence was tempting to him. 

It felt like a kind of power, to hold someone--someone like him--captive. I had before never understood what drove the women around him to act as they did, to be so loose and so giving, but now I saw what that kind of action could possibly wrought in a man. It was delicious in an intoxicatingly frighteningly way.

I felt him draw close behind me, too close for me to turn around. I felt his fingers touching the end of my hair, so gently it was as if the wind were breathing on it.

I couldn't breath. I wasn't aware of anything else except his fingers, too close and yet far. It was gripping the flower so tightly in my hands that I saw the blossom shivering. 

Koschei leaned forward and I felt his body hovering just against mine, not pressing but within of breath of doing so. His face was drawn beside my ear and he whispered in it with breath so hot I almost flinched: 

"May I kiss you, tsarina?"

I felt like the strings on an instrument--what sort I couldn't even think of at the moment--wound and wound until I was going to snap. "No," I breathed, I don't even know how I managed it.

"May I know why I am denied?" 

"You know why."

There was a long pause and he leaned so his lips were brushed ever so slightly against my neck. My flesh erupted with an icy flame and I thought I was going to faint; my whole body was sent into mindless, seething wildness that I only barely contained, clasping the stem of the flower so I felt it cracking in my hands.

"I promise if you let me have this one kiss, I won't ask for anything more." His voice was low and rasped, it almost sounded desperate. 

It was the closest to a true request I had ever heard from him. It was the first time I had something he truly wanted but could not wrest from me, something he had to beg me for, something I could withhold. 

But I didn't want to. Or perhaps I did, perhaps that was his power, to make you want to give what he wanted. To make you think you had to give it, that you 'wanted' to give it. 

"I don't believe you," I finally, miraculously, spoke. 

"Is that the only reason, you don't trust me?" His voice was lilting, almost singing, I felt his body rocking almost inperceptively, towards me then away, again and again. I felt the pull, the urge to follow after him, to move to the music that seemed to be thrumming between us, made by us.

It was thrilling yet soothing all once, to be joined with someone in the creating of something so new and strange. It felt secure because it was with him, in unison with his will and his intent and his hope...but all of that also made it terribly, horribly perilous. 

But no. It wasn't him alone that was making this perilous. 

So again I said, "No."

"Why else then?"

'I don't trust myself.'

But I didn't say it, because if I gave it voice, a form, it would overtake me. So I stared at the flower in my hand and focused all my breathlessness and anticipation on it's luscious and tender blossom, imagining I could imbue it with all the heat of that moment and remove it from me. Like Koschei had done with his soul.

For the first time I thought of how 'useful' that could be, to have the ability to take all your weakness and vulnerability and sever it from yourself; to become steady and solid like a stone, untouchable. 

Untouched was the last thing I felt now, even though he hand't laid a hand on me. 

I could still feel his breath on my face, how terrifyingly, temptingly close he was, and I was locked in a terrible, desirous moment where I thought he 'might' touch me and I was certain, as certain as the breath I kept trapped in my lungs, I was about to be either swallowed by the sensation or driven raving mad by it. 

But he pulled away suddenly and I was so overcome that I didn't even have enough presence of mind to be embarrassed by the gasp I gave. The world seemed to abruptly straighten and fall back into its customary place, the warmth and rosiness vanished, and I was frightened by how sorry I was for it.

"It's terribly warm in here," he was saying, staring causally down the path we had come up, his hands clasped behind his back. "There's a place here somewhere where we can cool down."

I already felt colder, but I didn't say that.

His voice was completely causal, but that suddenly seemed shockingly formal after the 'intimacy' of the moment before. If he had spoken to me with complete formality, restraint and distance, it would have made more sense to me. But he walked down the path almost lazily, leaning every now and then to eye a planet or bird that happened to catch his attention. 

How could he do that, be on the verge, the precipice of something so momentous and then walk away as if he has forgotten, as if it were nothing. 

It probably had been nothing, to him; how many times had he gotten exactly what he asked for from moments like these? 

But then again, how could something like that ever grow meaningless, it couldn't divorce itself from the expectancy and that had to come from wanting, and to want is to risk being denied, and how can that not be eternally dreadful and wonderful?

I had denied it and I still felt the rush, the staggering extraordinariness of it, and for it to be satisfied--

I had to stop. I couldn't think about it, about that. It wasn't safe.      

I followed slowly behind him, keeping a wide space between us that I kept expecting him to comment on but he never did. That made it worse, I was certain he understood exactly why, and I was possessed enough of my sense to now be ashamed of what I nearly allowed. And what I was still wishing had happened. 

I wanted to leave this place and get as far away from him as I could manage; I would ask Natalya to set me to work in the kitchen, suffocate this longing with the heat of the oven and scalding of the dishwater, or to ask Peter if he would let me clean the floor of the ballroom, squash this yearning by scrubbing until my hands blistered and my knees ached. 

But of course I couldn't find my way out on my own and I was afraid to speak to him, I did not trust my voice or my words. I kept envisioning myself opening my mouth only to ask him to come back, to kiss me, to touch me, to do whatever he could think of that I could not even imagine.

Oh God, I was going to be sick. Sick with wanting it; from the crave and the dread and the humiliation of it. 

Oh God forgive me, God help me, deliver me, deliver me, deliver me from temptation...

"Here it is!" he exclaimed and I almost cried out I was so startled. "I knew it was around this place somewhere." 

He stepped off the path and through a parting in the foliage. I stood where he had gone in and watched as he entered a small clearing made for a grand fountain of stone. It was carved with a beautiful woman clothed only in a long cloth that clung to her sumptuous figure; her long arms, appearing soft despite being carved of rock, embraced a large vase from which the water sprung. 

He planted his foot on the edge of the fountain ringing the statue and bent to splash water in his face. He ran his dripping hand through his hair, causing his dark curls to tangle and fall carelessly out of place. 

His chest rose and fell in a deep exhale and he unfastened the top buttons of his shirt, rubbing his neck so his skin glistened with water. 

I couldn't see straight, I couldn't see anything but him. The whole world had fallen away and I felt my inhibitions, my wisdom and good sense, slipping after them. I felt like I was falling through some invisible hole with no end and no way to rise again. 

Koschei turned to look at me and even with the distance between us, I saw his eyes, I 'felt' them, more clearly than anything else in that place. 

"Come over, the water is lovely," he said. There was nothing suggested in his voice but I knew, 'I knew I knew I knew', that if I could see his eyes from my place he could see mine and perceive my state. 

I was not so skilled in hiddenness as he, I couldn't even comprehend how anyone could hide what I held within, and he was mature and seasoned in divining and provoking such things.  

"Maryushka," he said and held out his hand, the hand he had run through his hair and across his skin, still dripping with water. 

And I saw in that exact moment, exactly because he spoke my name not as a request but as an affirmation, what would happen next. 

And I dropped the flower, turned away, and ran. 

I didn't get far before I heard him calling after me but now the momentum of the act, of putting my mind and body at work together to flee, gave me newfound strength. So I didn't hesitate but pushed myself faster, the garden whirling by in a dizzying, sickening blur of confused colors. 

Suddenly, Koschei appeared into my path; or perhaps he materialized there with magic, I could not tell. I ran right into his arms, his hands taking hold of my shoulders.

"Where are you going--" he began but was interrupted as I began to struggle violently in his grasp and his fingers tightened, his hold became inextricable. 

I felt panic rearing in me at having 'his hands on me' and sensations it sent spinning through my body. I felt my center beginning to melt; I could see myself falling into his embrace, I could imagine what it would feel like to have his arms drawn around me, pressing me to him, to his body, to his skin--

I so desperately, maddeningly 'wanted it', it was so irrational and frenzied, I couldn't think of a clear reason as to why here, why now. I felt I must be going insane. 

"Let me go!" I cried and to wrench myself away, thrashing violently but I couldn't even pull an inch away from him. 

He was looking down at me, frowning in confusion. "What is this--"

I began to kick at him, striking his shins, and scratching at his arms with my nails. He released me like I was something venomous, his expression one of utter astonishment. 

"Maryushka--!"

"No!" I screamed and screamed it again, lashing at his hands with my arms as if I were fending off a wild beast. I wanted to hit him, I wanted him to disappear, I wanted him erased from my mind. 

He didn't try to stop my blows or avoid them but rather simply stepped away and I didn't try to reach for him or step towards him. 

For a moment we stood like that, apart, him staring and me shaking. I realized I was crying, I couldn't at first tell my gasping for breath apart from my sobs. He kept staring at me with a look of total bewilderment and finally he asked, "What is this?" 

When I didn't answer, I was completely incapable of speech, he said, "Maryushka, what happened? We were having such a good time..."

"I want to leave!" I wrung my hands as if I could squeeze the hysteria out through them or break them off along with all this manic delirium. "I need to leave here!"

"Leave? Already? We haven't been here an hour!" 

"Right now, right now!" My voice became overwhelmed with sobs and I covered my face with hands. I want to shrink until I was nothing, until I disappeared from everyone and everything and could never feel anything again.  

I heard Koschei say gently, "You don't have to leave, I will go if you want me to." 

'But I don't want to be here without you. I don't want to be anywhere but with you.' 

"No, I want to back to my room. To my work."

There was silence for a moment then I heard the murmuring of an incantation and then felt myself caught in that familiar pulling spin before collapsing on the floor of my room. 

Koschei then walked right past me and out my door, closing it behind him without a word. I rose shakily to my feet and threw myself on my bed, still wracked with weeping.

[writingintheshadowsforever]

Hi Let Me Explain

Quick Note: This might be a long post so I don't blame anyone who doesn't read the whole thing. This is an explanation, an apology, and an update all in one.

Hi everyone I'm back this time for real. I won't make any promises to posting three to four times a week. I won't make any promises on what series or request will be updated first. I will reassure all of you than none of my series or requests are forgotten about. I have them saved somewhere and plan on finishing them. The plan here is to take it one day at a time. One fic at a time. As I start my journey to finding the joy in writing again.

You see I've been doing a lot of self reflection these past couple of weeks. I've been at war with myself on rather or not to let a dream go. That dream to become this big time bestselling author one day. I didn't want to admit that dream which has always been my biggest dream since like high school was doing more harm than good. The dream of being a published writer is destroying my love for writing. So I need to let it go before I find myself hating writing altogether.

Its never easy to walk away or let go of your dreams especially for creatives. I sort of feel like its harder for any type of artist in whatever field to admit that they want to move onto something else. Because we grow up having to listen to parents and teachers telling us. Its not a plausible goal and to pick a safer path or at least have a backup goal. And most of us decide right then and there no matter what we're going to prove all those people wrong. No matter what obstacles we have to face, how many times we fail, or how long it takes. We are determined to find success with our craft and make them eat those words.

Some of us refuse to even consider another interest or path. Some of us put all our eggs in one basket. Some of us let our craft become our entire identity meaning. Later on if we want to walk away or maybe just put on the back burner for a while. Its like losing who you are as a person. You feel like you've failed yourself and at life for letting go. I say letting go and not giving up because I will never give up on writing or more specifically storytelling.

Storytelling made me the person I am today. I wouldn't be here today without my love for storytelling. It got me out of some dark places as a kid and still does today. Storytelling is the only real magic in this world.

As a writer who feel like the heart of storytelling is dying because of capitalism. I can't let it go. I can't let my love for it die which is why for now I have to let the dream go. It doesn't mean my dream still won't come true one day. And its not like becoming a bestselling author is my only dream. I have other dreams that have take the backseat, and I think its time to move them to the front seat.

For now on I write for the joy of it. I write to get those stories out of me. When it comes to my writing I don't ever want it to be about money or fame. Starting now I'm going to stop stressing over traditional publishing and rather or not I'll ever be good enough.

I'm sorry everyone for being gone so long. For a while a part of me started to contemplate giving up on writing altogether and even deleting this account. I was starting to hate writing because I was so stressed trying to figure out how to achieve success as a professional writer.

I once had a stranger who I didn't know at all tell me that one day I was going to be a great writer. Never met or talked to this guy a day in my life. I felt like it was a sign from God, the universe or whatever you believe in. Either way it was some divine intervention moment letting me know I was one day destined for a long and great career as a professional writer. But do you have to be a professional writer to be a great writer? Is it the same thing? Can someone be great at something but never find traditional success? Those are the questions that have been running my head every time I thought about letting go. I still going to struggle with those questions, but I hope one day I find the answer. What makes a great writer?

After going through my old fics the ones I'm going to get started on are:

Queen Ramonda x Reader Enemies to Lover

Part 2 to being Namor's daughter and choosing Wakanda over Talokan

Steal Your Heart

Not Who You Think I Am

New Marvel Stuff

New Addition

My Hero Academia imagines because its my new anime obsession

[not-poignant]

I remember reading some asks that when you were in Guardians fandom, people were always correcting some stuff too, that they though is wrong or smth. And I feel like especially after so long writing your own universes, those very "smart" anons are really annoying. I just hope that they won't suck any wind from benith your wings and you don't spend much energy on answers to their asks and that you know always know - your writing is your own and we are fucking blessed for reading it <3

Maybe I just have forgotten so that I can mostly remember the good things (haha) but aside from people always having a bone to pick with me calling Pitch's daughter Seraphina, Rise of the Guardians was generally pretty chill!

I think back then there were a lot more 'why are you depicting Bunnymund this way?' or 'Why are you making this choice?' which as open-ended questions I really don't mind answering!! Even when it's obvious that the person who's asking the question doesn't agree with my depiction, then I can explain myself, vs. someone just anonymously coming in to go 'hi you are wrong' when... I'm not O.o

Different fandoms have different feels to them, kind of like visiting different countries! DnD / FR as a fandom seems to have a pocket of vocal people who want to prove they know more than me about DnD / FR to which I'll just say - you all know more than me, you win, here's your trophy, now let me write my fic the way I want thanks and learn how to read tags/author's notes :D That being said, the folks who don't care about that shit and just want to enjoy Astarion being railed / living his best-worst life have been the BEST and I really enjoy how thoughtful they are and how cool their comments are. There's some super engaged folks in this fandom who have really great takes on things, and I enjoy that side of it a lot.

Rise of the Guardians was incredibly creative. Like, to this day, I know one fanartist who went to work at Dreamworks, one who does official art for Hearthstone and works for Blizzard (her dream - and I still have her fanart of Gwyn in my house!), plenty more who went on to become professional artists, comic writers, writers, animators etc. I think the visual art and style of that show attracted so many people who love art, which was fun. We also had antis, but whatever, I feel like every fandom has those if you're active in the fandom.

Stardew Valley is mostly very mild, because it's intermittently very quiet and there's so many different pairings, and I've always written rarepairs. Generally people who enjoy that game are pretty low-key, and they're some of the nicest folks I've met in like anon asks and in comments! Love SDV peeps and it's been a pleasure to come back to the fandom.

Dragon Age: Inquisition was... lol. Lol. Well, look, I made some amazing friends through that fandom who I still know today. It attracted actually a surprising amount of older fandom folks who brought a lot of knowledge about how to write fic, so the fandom is drenched in really good fic, really good art. There was a ton of fucking drama, and some of the most acephobic rhetoric I've ever seen came out of this fandom, including asexual block-lists where people hunted each other down on Tumblr with things like 'have you blocked this person yet they're asexual' in anon. So like... DAI was a RIDE. The people I met in that fandom as friends I'll treasure. The actual fandom itself was a trash-fire depending on where you were. There were definitely a couple of BNFs in this fandom who made it their job to just hate other people, especially if they were ace and liked writing an ace Dorian Pavus. That was the first time I learned that blocking is good for the soul.

The Beast that Chose Its Own Bridle is a tiny fandom made of people who all love Felix and Mildmay very much :D

Detroit Become Human was a weird experience and it felt like a weird fandom. It was I think Korean or Japanese fanart that actually inspired Eversion, since that's where the first reverse!AU fanart (at least that I saw) began. But the comments could be weird, the anons were sometimes weird (not always, but sometimes! Especially in the beginning - and I just think first impressions really count lol), and I remember joining a Connor/Hank Discord where the most active folks were very quick to tell me how I should write my story, which was like - I like that they liked the story, but I've never had people try to show how much they like something by trying to change it into something they like more in quite that way before? I didn't really feel like staying in the fandom, tbh, it's extremely cliquey, especially all the folks that have like 400 names for the different versions of Connor, and it feels like it has a steep learning curve if you want to join the 'club.'

It was also the story where I had to do the most heavy lifting on BDSM education. Like, this fandom felt very BDSM naive *overall* - there's obviously exceptions, but I had to literally change how I was writing the story to explain more things than I normally would have done in a fic like that, because I was just getting so many 'why would Connor want to be humiliated during sex' anons and comments which was like okay, okay, let's actually do some 101 brochure stuff with this (the chapter where Connor calls Luuk and they talk about Connor liking being humiliated was not meant to be a whole chapter dslkfjas).

In fandoms like Thorki I could assume that the majority of readers would sort of get that even if it was a kink they didn't like - it was still just a kink that people can like and/or help others out with explanations. So it's possible D:BH skewed young and/or just not BDSM experienced! Which is fine! It's just I've noticed it here the most of all the fandoms I've been in. There were folks who knew kink really well who didn't need any explanations there at all, because I tend to over-explain a character's reasoning at the best of times, but yeah.

These are all like... deeply personal experiences influenced by the pairings I'm writing and how deeply I'm going into each fandom! I was tag-tracking in RotG / D:BH / DA:I, so I saw a lot more stuff, I think.

There's other fandoms I've been a part of but not really written for much or at all, like Thorki (love it there) and Sebaciel re: Black Butler (love it there too, but we lose a lot of writers because of antis), and also Murderbot (really weirdly cliquey in a 'oh... I see' kind of way, which might explain why a small pocket of people are writing most of the fics - because they're the only ones allowed in their Discord lol). Murderbot fandom is why I didn't end up writing Murderbot fanfiction sdalkfjdsa

Anyway, fandoms are weird, personal spaces that should be heavily curated! But I can't stop anons coming into my inbox with certain 'flavours' of question per fandom unless I turn off anon and honestly where would be the fun of that :D :D :D

[azrielgreen]

I try to focus on the comments I get, and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I do appreciate them more than anything. But i can’t help but rely on them *too much*, and compare them to those of other writers. Especially to yours. In any fandom I’ve ever been in, I’ve never seen anybody get the kind of feedback you get. Like people saying you change their lives, and everything. Enough that they get tattoos inspired by your work. I just don’t think I have that in me. That ability to inspire or affect readers long term—beyond just a quick read before they’re onto the next story. I don’t know if it comes down to style or energy, or if some people are just special. But I feel like if I can’t get people to feel that intensely, then maybe I should just stop writing. But I don’t want to quit. It’s like a vicious cycle, so discouraged that I don’t write, and if i don’t write, then how can i reach anybody at all?

Hello, lovely. So I've been thinking for a few days how to reply to this because I think honestly all writers feel like this at one point or another and visibility of the struggle is really important, especially when participating in fandom.

It can become very easy to get stuck on needing comments and feedback to continue and while fanfic is great for this kind of "as you go" support/encouragement it can also be really amazing to sidestep fanfic altogether for a while. Write something JUST for you. Write a book. Poetry. Anything where you're not getting feedback. Touch base with your creative self again. Fandom can be exhausting at times and we give so much of ourselves without even realising it, so if you're not feeling good about fanfic, that's an excellent sign to take a break. There have been months, years in between my participation in fandom/fic writing and I promise, taking a break is natural and healthy. Energy is cyclical and we need to replenish.

This brings me to my second point, which refers more directly to the kind things you said about me specifically. While I would not ever deny that I consider myself a capable writer and I have a lot of confidence and very passionate belief in myself, I've also been writing for a very long time, since I was twelve. I've been in fandom writing fic since i was 17. I've been writing professionally since i was 25, and I'm in my 30s now. I do tend to devote a stunning amount of time and mental energy to writing: in the past, at the expense of my health. I don't do that anymore, but it's an example of why you should never compare yourself to other writers because the situations are always so radically different. It's easy to look at statistics and think, "Why can't I do that/get that?" but the reality is that everyone is at different stages of their journey, and everyone is completely different.

I have no doubt that you're a talented writer because talented writers question themselves all the time. You have stories inside you that need to be written and told in the way that only you CAN! But they won't happen if you're worrying about comments/hit numbers, etc...

Generally, I've found that success is what happens when you're too busy to notice it. Focus on your work, on the next project, on yourself. Dig deep, branch out, love your process and expand, experiment, and remember to take a break when it's not fun anymore. Your mood is always guiding you. If you're happy, excited, and passionate, you're on track. If you're despondent, miserable, or anxious, it's time for a break. Fandom can be wonderful, but it's also the perfect breeding grounds for "comparison blues". Fanfic should make you happy.

I'm always here to offer guidance and support.

Az.

💜💜💜

[evelhak]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

April 9

Did an interest ever turn into an "obsession" for you? If not, do you regularly experience hyperfocus when you engage in your special interest? If nothing applies, tell us about your longest interest, no matter if it's a special interest or not!

This is a day late, because I looked at it and felt like it was going to be too long and I was too tired. But I still want to answer it.

I'm not sure what counts as obsession, honestly. I just know intense, long term interests were one of the things that alerted me that I might be autistic, the most. I always felt that my "obsessions" were too important to me, compared to most other people. They were always as essential to me as air, my mental and physical health suffered every time I didn't have enough time for my interests. It's just not possible for me to live without them.

However, I don't really relate to how "obsession" is usually seen, because on an emotional level I'm not someone whose inner fire is easily sparked to the max and then burns at that maximum until it runs out. That rarely happens to me, I'm too emotionally stable I think. It's more like, I just knew when I was 5 that I wanted to be an author, that nothing else made sense, and then I just never ran out of fuel for writing. (I became a published author at 28.) Writing is definitely a special interest, I view everything through it, I wouldn't know who I was without it, and there's no point to anything without it really. So I guess it's an obsession? Nothing brings me as much personal satisfaction.

I also pretty much live in hyperfocus when I'm alone with my interests. Writing, art, reading, ballet, personality theories... There's more but those are the biggest. It's very difficult for me to do more than one thing during a day when I get to focus because I go so deep. It doesn't really happen when I have to interact with other people though. But when I'm alone it's too easy to just write for 10 hours without eating or going to the bathroom. I have become better at handling these things by making sure I'm not isolated for too long. When I didn't, I would sometimes write for 30 hours nearly without a break... I'm also a better writer these days, so I can write without hyperfocus. I think that's just becoming a professional. Maybe I won't write a novel in three weeks then, but I can also just write for three hours, let someone distract me, and do something else for the rest of the day, even though it's difficult and painful sometimes. I try to balance the need to hyperfocus and the need to do other things the best I can. Sometimes it still means I will do little else than write or draw for a week, when that is necessary.

If you follow me you probably know that KnB is one of my special interests too, but it's also kind of like a sub special interest that goes under writing, because it's the writing fanfiction part that I really care about the most. I think it can be called an obsession as well. I've been writing the same story for six years now and I have no intention of stopping. It is on par with my longest original story in dedication but it's actually longer in wordcount. Part of the reason is because it's way more unedited than my original stuff, because I have no pressure when I write fic the same way that I do with my original stuff. That's really refreshing and why fanfiction also unleashes my creativity and I learn so much through it.

I recognise that there are problems that can come from obsessions and too much hyperfocus, and I have experienced some, but even so, special interests are definitely the most positive part of autism for me personally.

[inumakisonlygfwife]

A/N: I love this song a lot so I decided to put it into a writing piece! I love writing but I'm not really that good at it so let's hope people will actually like this! I want to be a professional writer one day so ig I have to start somewhere... Also, I got the borders from Pinterest so I don't know the original person who made it srry!! "^^

This may be considered graphic due to a murder being mentioned so please look out for that!!

Please enjoy!!!

*First person POV*

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Everything I did just to have her here with me was worth it. Even though what I did could be seen as "vile" or "disgusting" All I see it as is *love*. I love her so much it hurts. Even though she's betrayed me... Why does it matter? She'll never do it again *that's for sure*.

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I've sacrificed so much for her... My friends, family, and my life... I was once so normal until she came along... She ruined everything... I'll never be able to live a normal life knowing what I had done... She has tainted my way of thinking. Bending my way of thought to only think about her... To think about the life I could have with her if it was only us... Even if that meant sacrificing the people around me.

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But maybe sacrificing everything wasn't so bad. I think about all the memories I've had with her... She's such a sweet and kind person. How could anyone hate her? All the times she's helped me with my homework, taken me out on little dates to the café, stayed with me to watch fireworks, and so much more. Who would ever want to forget about those memories? No one. Especially not me... I'll hold them close to my heart forever...

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I need to hold her close... To protect her from the undying force trying to take her away from me... I need to etch her into my whole beginning... If becoming one is the only way to keep her close then so be it... Maybe if I confessed to her... Maybe she'll understand just how much I need her... I need her like a moth to flame. I can only hope that she thinks the same thing.

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*How stupid could I be to let myself be betrayed like this!?*... Of course, she wouldn't love me back! Who could love someone so obsessed with your entire being? She was giving so many signs though! How could she not love me?! Now she's leaving?... *Why leave?* I just want her to love me back... Why won't she just love me back?! Is it really that hard?! I need her to come back!

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I should feel bad for what I did. I feel selfish for taking her away from the outside world. Or the world entirely. She definitely wouldn't love me in another life... But that doesn't really matter. I'll do what I have to do even if that means killing her... Though I suppose I'll miss her soft fingers that used to dry my tears... But I'll learn to live without it. As long as nobody else can have her.

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I look over to my side and see her body. As lifeless as a blank canvas that's yet to be painted on. Her blood stains her clothes and mine. I love knowing that I will be her first in everything. I couldn't just stand by and let other people be her first... She's mine and nobody understands how deep my love runs for her.

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I'm not sure what to do now... She's gone... And it's all my fault... I do not feel bad though... I'm sure she would have wanted it this way... Or maybe not. But I'm happy... Happy to know she's all mine and nobody else's. I smile to myself. All I can do now is sit here and thank her for everything she has done me.

End.

A/N: Now that I'm finished this looks like someone's diary entries lol. I really hate this but oh well. This isn't proofread since it's like 3 in the more but oh well. Anyway, I was going off of the meaning of this song from this website https://www.songtell.com/maretu-ft-hatsune-miku/aishiteitanoni I tried to incorporate everything it said but was also trying to be free... This turned into a more Yandere but ig that's just the vibe it gave off. Thank you for reading!!! ^_^ (im sorry for this excuse of a written piece)

[personasintro]

Hey, I know it's completely unnecessary and useless and maybe kinda burden types for you. And a wastage of your time

But, I've been feeling so depressed lately. And there's no one to talk to. So, well, I know it's stupid. And I'm sorry for wasting your time.

I feel like I won't be able to do anything in my life. I used to be a good student but now my grades have been so low. I lost my capabilities to do anything. I love writing though, but there's such less chance of becoming a writer professionally and I don't even know if I'm good enough for that. I don't know what I want and what I need or stuff like that. I'm losing myself and actually no one understands this, how much I'm suffering. People take it so casually.

That's why I just needed to vent up. Sorry again. And thank you 💜 your fics are a great distraction for me from this continuous overthinking, I once told you before and I'm again telling you.

Your fictions save me 🤍

you’re not a waste of my time, please don’t say something like that because it’s not true! I’m sad to hear you’re going through a difficult time and I wish I could help, the only thing I can say is that I relate to you… there are really times when I’m disappointed with myself and I feel like this ever since I lost a job due to covid, even though I know it’s not my fault and better time will come, I feel like I wasted more than a year just being home and the only active thing (besides taking care of our household and my pets) I’ve been doing is writing, but when such thoughts come up to my mind I can’t even bring myself to do that; writing.

It definitely doesn’t help to see my friends or even classmates being successful and doing something with their life, meanwhile I’m stuck and don’t know what to do… but I’m trying to not to let myself feel too pressured, which is not always easy and I feel guilty and that’s why I felt like I needed this vacation, just turn off the negativity but even here… I think about these things even if not as much…

what I want to say is that you’re not alone and finding yourself, what you want to do takes time… and it doesn’t help if we’re impatient and constantly putting that pressure on ourselves. I believe things will get better for you! If you love writing and that’s what you want to devote your time to, try to use that and maybe it’ll distract you enough from those negative and pressuring thoughts! writing does wonders, anything does if you truly love it :)

not only my stories, but I’m here for you too and thanks for trusting me enough with such a sensitive and personal topic! <3

[galpalaven]

interview with a 'fic' writer

thanks for tagging me isabella!!! @bitchesofostwick

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

35 currently

2. what’s your total AO3 word count?

293,015

caveat - i need you all to know i am in the process of becoming a professional writer and the amount of words i have written in the past like. 5 years is easily like 5 times that number fkdsljl

3. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Echoes (385)

Old World Luxury (229)

Close Call (200)

midnight snack (144)

Sleepless in Skyhold (127)

all of these are old as hell except the fourth one which is a baldur's gate 3 fic lmao. most of my fics average around 30-60

4. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

I do! Mostly out of courtesy - they took the time to comment when comment culture is long dead, and I appreciate it especially since I am so inactive on AO3 lmfao

5. what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Injured - I forgot about this fic but HAHA it's about Zevran helping Kira deal with the effects of the Calling. There is no real happy ending. They have no cure yet - it's just a snapshot of the pain she's going through.

6. what’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

ohhh it's been long since deleted but a fic of Modern AU! Nox and [redacted] on the night before their wedding having a nightcap to calm their nerves. it got me into my writing program ;w; it's still one of my fave things i have written. i want to write something similar for cove/elara or even for ilya and nox in their book series someday

7. do you write crossovers?

nnnnot technically? though in the bloomic fic i've been working on, penny's friends are implied to be cove and elara from our life, her bff liora is dating baxter from the same game, and dani from our life 2 is also in the friend group. but i wouldnt tag them as a crossover fic bc thats not really the point and its also a very vague reference anyway lmao not to say that i dont think about taking characters from one universe and shoving them into aus all the time tho lmao ALTHOUGH I HAD A VERRRRYYY SPECIFIC AND SELF INDULGENT HARVEST MOON/FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST CROSSOVER THAT NEVER SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY LMAO

8. have you ever received hate on a fic?

mmmm i think back when i was posting on deviantart i got some mean comments but on ao3 i have not. i have received - odd comments, though. shout out to the spanking commenter you were something special

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

occasionally, yes, but I've only ever written it for Nox and Ilya and they are the kind of smut fics that are mostly just emotions sdlkfjf however. none of them are on AO3 anymore

10. have you ever had a fic stolen?

yes but i can't remember what exactly happened. it was more of a reupload with a 'credit to x' thing but i did get it taken down. it was like. 7 years ago now fjslkd

11. have you ever had a fic translated?

not unless someone did it without telling me lmao

12. have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope my ass is too controlling and picky for that lmao

13. what’s your all time favorite ship?

is it bad of me to say nox and ilya since they are ocs jflkds im sorry im in original writing hell they are on my Mind

14. what’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?

like 75% of the shit on my AO3 is stuff that i had every intention of writing and finishing but never did and probably won't lmfao. i am so sorry.

15. what are your writing strengths?

characterization, emotions, physical descriptions

16. what are your writing weaknesses?

INTRODUCTIONS AND WORLDBUILDING FJKDSLFJS

17. what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Why not? If the characters speak another language and you're doing your proper research to make sure it's correct, go for it.

18. what was the first fandom you wrote for?

....twilight? i think? or maybe the max ride books when i was a kid? not that any of that was published mind they were also very oc-centric lmao

19. what’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet, but want to?

i am always writing and i have fics for fandoms you couldnt even imagine no but seriously i am working on some fic rn for Blooming Panic, Our Life, and Andromeda Six bc i have been in a VN mood lately so keep an eye out? question mark? EDIT: actually better answer - Avatar: The Last Airbender. i've been wanting to write zuko/oc fic for ages but havent done it yet and dunno if i ever will

20. what’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I don't go back to it anymore bc it's so old but Echoes was the first baby I ever finished and it sits in a very special place in my heart. The second one was a massive fictober piece for __________ that i have since privated but won me my first and only NaNoWriMo so that's also p special.

[atruththatyoudeny]

Monthly Reads | August 2019

Oh, look, it's the 28th again! Celebrating the launch of Gucci's new fragrance and the fantastic new pics I had to reread Landslide. Other than that there are 21 fics in this list - and like always: so many thanks go out to all the amazing authors in this fandom who share their stories with us! ♥

Landslide | aimmyarrowshigh , spibsy (lucy_and_ramona) | historical - 1970s - cults - undercover - psychological drama - racism - period typical attitudes - internalized homophobia - PTSD - and more...please read all the tags carefully - 143k The year is 1976. In November, Jimmy Carter will take control of the White House. Americans are meeting Laverne & Shirley at their apartment in Milwaukee. Hotel California diverges from the reign of Kool & the Gang. And the FBI is still reeling from the repercussions of Watergate, the tragedy at Wounded Knee, Operation Family Secrets, and the strategic terrors of the anti-cult movement. That's what Special Agent Harry Styles has been told is the basis of his mission to an abandoned farmhouse in rural New Hampshire. With his hair grown out long and his shirt untucked, he's going undercover to do reconnaissance on suspected cult leader Louis Tomlinson, who has led a group of people out into the middle of nowhere, leaving no record of the life he'd had before. All Harry knows is what the agency gave him: Tomlinson's name, and instructions to figure out what he's doing with the eleven people he brought with him. In the year that Harry spends undercover and under Louis Tomlinson's wing, he learns more than he ever expected.

I Drove All Night (To Get To You) | lovelarry10 | famous/not famous - strangers to lovers - pining - fluff - 23k Harry’s job as a chauffeur for the rich and famous was not as flashy as he’d thought. Late nights having to listen to the ridiculous demands and whims of these high profile clients leaves him disheartened with the world he thought was all glitz and glamour. One night his boss asks him a favour. To collect one last client before he clocks off. Only problem is when that client gets into the car it’s Louis Tomlinson. As in Harry’s all time crush. As in future husband and father of all his children Louis Tomlinson. He can be cool and professional, right?

Live Like You Were Dying | YesIsAWorld | car accidents - love confessions - self discovery - 2k I’m in love with you. The phone fell from his hand, and the world went black.

Calling Clifford | noellehenry | fluff - humor - 10k The summer AU where Clifford has his own peculiar ways of matchmaking.

Home Remedies | kingsofeverything (FullOnLarrie) | friends to lovers - smut - 4k Louis’ hiccups just won’t stop. Harry, his roommate and best friend, is willing to do anything to help.

Traffic Light | dinosaursmate | Traffic Light Party - smut - friends with benefits - 7k Harry, a university student fresh out of a relationship, attends a Traffic Light Party. He knew all about the red, yellow and green cups, but the blue one confuses him. What does DTF mean, anyway?

Down On the Farm | kingsofeverything (FullOnLarrie) | bonfires - farm/ranch - smut - 5k Every Friday night there's a steady cloud of dust That leads back to a field filled with pickup trucks Got old Hank crankin', way up loud Got coolers in the back, tailgates down There's a big fire burnin' but don't be alarmed It's just country boys and girls gettin' down on the farm — “Down On the Farm” by Tim McGraw

Driving On The Wrong Side, Thinking Of You | dinosaursmate | Marcel AU - implied/ referenced homophobia - High School AU - friends to lovers - promiscuity - 25k Louis is the most popular guy in sixth form. Don't get the wrong idea, he's a good guy, and he absolutely won't stand for his friends teasing his neighbour, Marcel.

Restless Lane | jaerie | a/b/o - secret identity - childhood friends - secrets - friends to lovers - angst - 14k Louis had grown used to his boring life back in Mississippi as a stand-in father figure to his siblings. He never expected his childhood friend to show up on his lawn with the heat of summer or that he would remind Louis how much of himself he'd tucked away and neglected. He also never expected to find himself caught up in a tangled web of feelings or secrets that just might break him. Maybe he had never known Harry at all.

Waiting for the tides to meet | nauticalleeds (metamorphosis) | soulmates - pining - miscommunication - angst - fluff - friends to lovers - slow burn - 60k Soulmate AU. Everyone is born with heterochromia — one eye is their own eye colour, while the other is the colour of their soulmate's. It's only when they meet their soulmate for the first time that their own eyes match properly. After a hazy night at a frat party, Louis wakes up to blue eyes and the shocking realization that he had met his soulmate, without any sober recollection. Seven years pass where Louis comes to terms with the fact that he'll never know who his soulmate is. Then one fated summer, a beautiful green-eyed photographer arrives at Louis' workplace, with promises of endless laughter and a familiar feeling in Louis' heart. Featuring a lovely cup of OT5, a road trip down the coast, and a scene where Harry eats a whole head of lettuce. Don't ask why.

If I Stay | Rearviewdreamer | Walk In The Clouds AU - fake/pretend relationship - mpreg - slow burn - 37k Harry and Louis agree to a temporary arrangement that Harry can't seem to walk away from no matter how many times he tries.

Mirror Touch | pinky_heaven19 | Synesthesia - hurt/comfort - fluff - pining - strangers to lovers - 58k The one where Harry owns a second-hand clothing store, and Louis is a radio host. Louis has mirror-touch synesthesia, which makes him experience what people around him feel. He feels a lot around Harry.

In Your Black Heart (Is Where You'll Find Me) | graceling_in_a_suit | a/b/o - omega/omega - pirates - historical - 36k Louis Tomlinson has been lying for five years. His crew sees him as a pirate, a Captain, and an alpha; only two of those are the truth. He was content to let the illusion go on forever, but an omega named Harry Styles just had to join his crew and get his warm-vanilla stink all over Louis' best laid plans. Or: the story of The Captain and The Carpenter.

Supposed to Be | kikikryslee | High School - stereotypes - enemies to friends to lovers - slow burn - hate to love - 26k The Geek Charming AU where Harry's a film geek, Louis' a popular jock, and they both need each other to get what they want.

Meet me where the tulips grow | tempolarriefics | study abroad - fluff - 19k The one where Harry studies abroad and falls in love with both the city of Amsterdam and the boy he explores it with.

When i'm set alight | mixedfandomfics | teacher AU - hate to love - misunderstandings - 14k Louis and Harry hate each other. Always have, always will. No one is quite sure how they will handle it when their favorite students ask them to lead a new LGBT club at their school.

Breathe In, Breathe Out | dinosaursmate | friends to lovers - pining - 12k Louis Tomlinson begins visiting a new pub on his lunch break, mostly because he really fancies Harry, the cute, curly-haired barman. As Louis gears up to ask him out, he doesn't realise that there is a huge stumbling block in his way: Harry is taken, and by someone rather familiar.

I am mad all about you | godslut | med students - coffe shop - 5k Harry is a pre-med student trying to quit coffee. louis pretends to be spider-man to make kids laugh.

Welcome Back From The Friend Zone | 2tiedships2 | a/b/o - friends to lovers - fake/pretend relationship - mutual pining - 32k The one where an idea to create a fake wedding with the sole intent to receive gifts from billionaires took a turn no one, but also everyone, saw coming.

A Life That's Good (series) | lovelarry10 | fluff - kid fic - adoption - light angst - 66k Harry and Louis were married young, but always knew that they wanted a family together. Soon, through adoption, Hope came into their lives, and was later joined by her younger brother Oscar. Join the Tomlinsons on their journey in family life. ①  You're My Only Hope Harry and Louis have been hoping to start a family for a while, but it hasn't happened for them just yet. With the surprise arrival of a newborn baby on the doorstep at work, are their family dreams about to become reality? ②  Tiny Dancer It's Hope's first ballet recital, and Harry and Louis are more than excited to watch their four year old daughter perform for the first time. ③  Who You Are Things are going wonderfully for Harry and Louis. Their family has never been stronger. When a connection to their son’s past appears out of nowhere, it makes them wonder what lies ahead for the future of their family. ④  We Got Love Harry and Louis thought their family was complete. They were wrong. ⑤  Follow Your Arrow Hope has a crush, but she’s scared to tell her parents, especially Louis. Harry helps her figure out how to break the news to her other dad, who is ultimately nothing but wonderful. ⑥  Summer Love The Tomlinsons are off on a summer holiday before it’s time for everything to change...

Night Changes | colourexplosion | soulmates - supernatural elements - werewolves - light angst - 40k Louis and Harry are soulmates. (With a twist.)

From The Heart | jacaranda_bloom | coffee shop AU - 25k Every Tuesday, Louis spends his day off holed up in his favorite coffee-come-bookshop, writing his little stories as part of the WordPlay challenge while daydreaming about the resident barista, Harry. Each week a new word prompt is revealed and Louis adds to his series of short stories about Henry, the owner of a B&B in the Cotswolds who has curly hair and dimples, Lewis, his long term guest who just happens to be a writer, and Tigger, Henry’s cat. As Louis and Harry’s friendship develops, could his fantasy world spill out into real life? And how does that reader who leaves the lovely comments with the teacup emoji seem to be able to read Louis’ mind? ①  Henry and Lewis Louis hangs out in his local coffee shop to work on his weekly WordPlay Prompt, speaks to his beloved muse aka Harry the gorgeous barista, embarrasses himself in front of said muse, and receives a comment on AO3 from his favourite reader. ②  Smuturday Louis struggles with this week's WordPlay prompt before finding inspiration, and a date, in an unexpected place, and could there be more going on with his favourite reader than he originally thought. ③  Tea For Two Louis grapples with what to do about his new found suspicions over his favourite readers real-life identity. ④  Life Imitating Art Louis is taken on a very real journey through his fic back catalogue - life has never imitated art so salaciously. ⑤  Entertain Me All good things must come to an end, including the WordPlay challenge. But while Louis has mixed emotions about its end, and struggling to make sense of the final prompt, he is relishing every aspect of his newly revitalised personal life.

[engazed]

Part 1/ 2. Hi, so this will be coming from out in left field, but I was wondering in general, and you are the only person I can think of to ask. I just read this long explanation of why artists and writers won't read others work (short story: lawsuits/money). I know that somewhere out there you are a published author. Did/Do you read a lot of other fanfiction in Sherlock or other fandoms? Would reading fanfic (or just other fiction books in general) have the potential to cause you legal issues?

Part 2. It just seems so crazy to me. I would assume that most authors also really enjoy reading, so if reading has the potential to get them sued, why would anyone ever publish?? But then there would be no new books and nothing for other authors to read… It’s a really roundabout philosophical question, but I’d love to hear your opinion on it if you have any free time.

PS: side question I just thought of. Is the lawsuit potential why you write under a pseudo name online? Do you publish books also under a pseudo name? If you just prefer general privacy then lord knows I would never fault anyone on that. I have a massive weirdly possessive rant about why celebrities should be left alone in their personal lives and paparazzi are pretty much the worst people on the planet. But I won’t subject you to the whole thing lol. Anyway, your thoughts? Just in general :)

Thank you for the question. I was a little surprised by it, not because it is ‘out of left field’ (writing and talking about writing is absolutely by bread and butter) but because, while I don’t know the article you read (or was it a Tumblr post?), or the author of the post who said artists and writers don’t read others’ work, the advice/explanation is entirely wrong-footed. I’m serious about that. Professional writers and do read others’ works. They have to! It’s part of being a professional. You have to know the profession you are in. How else do you do that if you don’t know your colleagues and their works?

For example, one of the responsibilities of a writer–particularly a successful one with a strong sales record and reputation–is to read another author’s work for the express purpose of writing a review. If the novel is a work of mystery, for instance, then the publisher will reach out to another mystery novelist to help promote it, and reading and reviewing is exactly how that happens. Pick up any recent publication, and flip it to the back. You’ll see pull-quotes from reviews by critics and authors alike that go on about how wonderful the book is. Endorsing others’ work part of being a published author. You can’t do that if you’re not actively reading their work, now can you?For another example, imagine you are a burgeoning writer. Maybe you have one or two small publications, or none at all, but you’re serious about writing, finding an agent, and getting that book out into the world. How do you know you’ve got a book worth reading? How do you know your book will sell? You have to know the market, and you can’t know the market if you’re not reading! Say you’re a romance novelist. You should be reading romance! You should know the genre well, the conventions, the tropes, the pitfalls, the innovations. When you are first reaching out to agents, they’ll ask you for ‘comp titles’ (works you would compare yours to) as a way to capture their attention. How can you compare your novel to another in the genre if you’re not actively reading the works in that genre? You can’t!

How do you learn to become a good writer if you don’t read good writing? Hell, if you don’t read bad writing? If you don’t develop a sense of taste for the good versus the bad? How can you learn how to develop a character across 85,000 words, or construct believable dialogue, or pace the novel through hills and troughs, or create the perfect plot twists if you don’t read and study the masters in their craft? Impossible. Any author worth her salt will tell you that she keeps a stack of books by her bed. (Right now, I have three.) Any writer of notable quality will tell you that he reads more than he actually writes. Any writer who says differently is giving you bad advice.

The suggestion that reading someone else’s work will influence you–poison you–and that you’ll end up stealing their ideas is entirely misguided. Literature is the history of homage. We are constantly rewriting old stories, and putting our own spin on it. Constantly. How many versions of the Cinderella story exist throughout the world and throughout history? Too many to number. How many iterations exist of Holmes and Watson? We see them in Mulder and Scully, House and Wilson, Bones and Booth, and probably dozens and dozens more. Original ideas are never unadulteratedly original. We are influenced by every story we’ve ever been told, sometimes to a small degree, sometimes in greater measure. It’s what is new that you bring to it that makes it unique and fresh and worthy of being read.

My assumption, though, is that the post you refer to may have been talking about intellectual property rights. Holmes and Watson, for instance, belong now to the public domain, and we the public do as we like with them. However, Homer Simpson, for instance, is still under copyright, so you can’t just steal the name Homer Simpson, along with his character and traits, and publish it as your own. But that is a deliberate theft, and yes, you can be sued for it.

There’s the story, for instance, of the woman (Nancy Stouffer) who accused JK Rowling of stealing her concept of Harry Potter, particularly with regards of similarities between the protagonists and the word muggle. The burden of proof fell to Stouffer to prove that Rowling had indeed discovered her work prior to writing Harry Potter, which she could not. 

Trying to protect yourself from lawsuits by not reading anything in the genre you write is foolish. You may as well not write anything at all. And publishing fan fiction online is not illegal (though selling it to a publisher and profiting on it may be). I don’t know how many people are publishing their fan fiction for profit, but the few cases I’m aware of do so only after changing characters’ names and other identifying details. Because really, the story is their own. The writing is their own. If you’re legitimately plagiarising, you deserve to be caught and sued. But that’s not what most of us are doing.

As is obvious, Engazed is indeed a pseudonym! It is one of two names I use online for writing. One of my reasons for writing under a pseudonym is to keep my online identities separate from my professional writing identity, because I do primarily publish under my own name. However, even in that world, I have a ‘literary’ name and a ‘genre’ name. My pen names online are about privacy and safety. Pen names in my professional publishing is less about privacy and more about branding. I’m trying to sell myself as well as my book, and there’s a persona that I need to maintain for that. I do not hide behind pseudonyms for fear of lawsuits. Pseudonyms aren’t actually very good hiding places! If you’re hit with a lawsuit, they’ll find you. But once again, that is not my concern. I write because I love to write, and what I write is original and good, and something people want to read. But I wouldn’t be any good at all if I wasn’t constantly reading as well. Books were my first teachers, and will continue to be. So please don’t fall into the trap of believing that not reading is good idea! It’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard.