#or maybe i just won't wake up tomorrow and this will be pointless anyway

[xnuwax]

Cao Guangyan’s Monthly Report Letter for Pu Yiyong

-----

Yiyong, it’s me your number one friend and here’s your monthly report.

Your Ma's doing well, she's a strong woman. But of course sometimes she seems sad, we often tell her "it'll be alright" even though those words are pointless. I'm trying my best to be there for her, so don't you worry. She's not alone, my Ba & Chuying jie are her drinking buddies now.

Talking about Chuying jie, she’s getting busier. She's working on new cases, ‘real’ human cases fortunately. We still meet often, talk about our daily lives and you. We always talk about you.

My Ba's drinking bar is really popular now. Grandma next door is still his frequent costumer. She's way older than us and healthier than you. Boo you suck Pu Yiyong.

Enough talking about others! I just started working as an intern at the hospital this year. I'm busy, so maybe when you wake up we won't be able to see each other as often as before. But I'll always spare my time for you and you'll always find a way to annoy me right?

I'm not gonna lie though, working is killing me. No one is waiting for me at the bus stop anymore. Well sometimes Chuying jie picks me up but that's different. She's not you. I want you to pick me up, after all you have a lot of free time.

Anyway, I'm having trouble falling asleep. I can still feel your blood on my hands and I have to physically force myself to leave my bed every day.

During boring hours of my internship, memories of our meaningless fight and the thoughts of seeing you when I get home are what keeping me afloat. Also It's silly, when I'm on my break I sometimes visit your manhua web page, hoping that a new chapter will magically appear.

Walking home, my body keep dragging me to yours. I hate opening your bedroom door and seeing you lying there.

Your house no longer feels warm. Maybe because you aren't awake to fill the house with your stupid actions. Strangely, I still spend my time in your room. I've read almost all of your comics, they're great but I still like your work the most. I sometimes fall asleep on the floor of your room, too lazy to go home and my bed feels cold without you curled up next to me.

I know your Ma's sick of seeing me in your room. Believe me, I'm sick of it too. When is it your turn to curl up in my room? FYI, my window is open in case you want to sneak in like you used to.

Ah shit, it's getting late. I have to wake up early tomorrow.

You'll probably get bored reading all this huh? Anyway, the point of this letter is, when will you wake up??

Chuying jie is getting bored of dealing with humans, there are so many ghosts we have to help. Oh and, Director Fang wants his cup back.

Ma's also having a hard time cutting your hair with you lying in bed.

And I miss seeing your name pop up on my phone. I miss being surprised to see you suddenly appear in my room.

A-yi, I’ll buy you delicious foods, so promise me you'll wake up soon okay?

-------------------------------------------------

From ‘Oh No! Here Comes Trouble’ universe

-Nuwa 180424-

[daisyjules1011]

Climb the mountains of your dreams

Life is a rocky history

Read the books, drink your morning tea

Have a chat with a friend, calculate profit in excel spreadsheets

Wake up with the dread of tomorrow

Go to sleep with regrets of the bygone 100 years

What are you doing?

You just woke up

What are you doing?

You still have years to live before you are free

Ice cream melts in the summer heat,

All the woolen clothes couldn't keep the cold out

Seasons turned, bridges burned

The days are always monotonous, it's you and me that keeps changing

Soldier's uniform or toddler's jacket

Aren't we all gonna die someday?

A life of love stretches into days of loneliness

We still wouldn't admit

It's all pointless

Take up hobbies, make up new talents,

Clever ways to pretend

That it isn't all pointless

A night at the club,

Days spent swimming through the oceans

In the end, we become one with the earth

What's the point, anyway?

We were babies with fresh skin

Turned into aliens with rotting armour made of iron

If the armour peels at the edges,

You would see, there's nothing beneath to protect

It's a clever facade

The world steals something from us everyday,

Fight to the nail but swords cannot cut rain

The world always steals something precious and shiny,

Or maybe, we weren't really born with anything

I say to the earth, keep revolving

I command the river, keep flowing

I gush to the mountains, keep it steady

And I ask the oceans to stay mysterious forever

Someday, I won't be here to say the words

Let the world remember me through my  poems and whispers,

Someday I won't be here to say the words

[textingtroublesanswers]

*sniffling and teary eyed, I look up from Bug's shoulder*

Wh-*sniff* what did the entry s-say about his... Ludwig's deal... again? Something about protection? *sniiiiiifffff*t-there was somethin' bout an ambulance too, but I, *sob, hiccup* I can't make any sense of it!

*face returns to Bug's shoulder, hugging them tighter*

-🦖

Bug is shushing you, trying to be as comforting as possible.

"Spy, take a look again, lad. Maybe you missed something."

Jacques looks over the entry, then the next entry, & the next, until finally one seems to yield some sort of result, "July 1946, I turn 38 tomorrow & yet I feel as if no time has passed since my deal with Satan 4 years ago. I have a hypothesis that the deal, & my subsequent meddling with the occult, has slowed down my aging. I cannot prove this, however, until I grow older & see if that is truly the case."

"The war in Europe ended last year, & I'm glad about that, but I've been plagued by nightmares ever since. I see hellfire, I see my father & stepmother, I see myself as this masked persona I have created, & I'm scared. But then I wake up & the fear disappears, as fast as it arrived. One dream, however, won't let me be, & it leaves me shaking & sweating when I wake up. One of these days Mitch, the Heavy, will hear me screaming in the night & will barge into my room when I'm unmasked. I can't have that, he might recognise my face from the newspaper, & then he might turn me over to the authorities. They will never believe me that I killed General Somerton out of self defense, how could they when I am who I am?"

"Anyway, my dream. In it, I am accosted by those thugs again. They shatter my violin & rip open my grandfather's grimoire, & as I fight back one of them shoots me. Unlike in real life, I don't manage to kill all of them, & they run. Someone calls an ambulance for me, like in real life, but there is no Satan, there is no god, & no one comes to drag me away from the scene before the police & the paramedics arrive. Sometimes my wounds kill me, although the position of the gunshot wound should not be able to do that. I hate it when my dreams are medically inaccurate, I didn't study for five years for my own mind to disregard that."

"Sometimes the wounds don't kill me, which is the worse option. My mind skips over the hospital, & the prison, & the deportation, but it lingers on the camps, & it lingers on the sight of my father in prison rags, even though I know he died before he let them drag him away. I see him there, with a face like death itself, & he is smiling at me, welcoming me into his open arms. He asks me how I enjoyed America, if I enjoyed the hunger, the pain, the fear. He asks me if I missed the cushy life I led in Germany, as the daughter of a famous doctor, instead of living as an outlaw & a vagabond away from my home country. He mocks me, all the while smiling at me & telling me how much he missed me. Telling me the sweet things my father would have never stooped low enough to say."

"My deal with the Devil ensures that I won't be deported, that I won't be found as long as I don't bring attention to myself. I've since talked to other demons, made sacrifices in blood & bodies, done everything so that I may survive in this pointless war over gravel. All my days are filled with the anxiety & fear over someone figuring me out, finding out who I really am. It's worse than when I lived with Vogel, & I hate it, & the dreams won't let me forget. But, thanks to my deal, I am alive & safe, & when my contract is over & the next poor fool takes my place, I will be able to get out of here & do something I actually love. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get my medical license back, maybe I'll be able to practice medicine & actually live without fear."

"My contract is up in a year, & I don't know what I'll do when I leave BLU. I never want to work for Mann Co. again but they pay so well & they provide me with protection. We'll see, we'll see. For now, I have a new formula for sleeping meds I want to try out. Hopefully, tomorrow, it will at most make me face Heavy's wrath, & not Satan's. Alright, that wasn't funny, but I do hope it doesn't kill me or make me oversleep again. The lock on my door can only take so much before it breaks."

[robinruns]

Grumblings

The nail tech that does my nails is apparently quitting the salon that I go to regularly. I haven't seen her in like a month, and like I've been seeing the owner the last few times. She had originally changed her hours to only have one evening available, and now she's just off the schedule after next week. I have an appointment next week Thursday and then nothing booked out after that and I sorta wanna cancel.

It's nothing against her, I just... like if I'm gonna cut back on going, I don't want it to seek like it's because she isn't there. I know I was thinking about this before, and I dunno. $50 every two or three weeks is a lot. Maybe I'll cancel my next appointment and see how I feel going forward. The whole thing just feels sorta pointless right now.

Anyway.

I tried to wake up early and get to the gym, but I really couldn't get myself to wake up. Like partially was the whole I'm warm and cozy in bed thing, but I really just couldn't get my eyes to stay open. Of course trying to force myself to wake up made me tired and I'm lowkey miserable right now. Hopefully someone made coffee because what I brought isn't cutting it.

I do plan to go to the gym after work. I really wanna keep up on my steps and running goals for the month. I'm trying to watch what I eat as well, but it feels like I'm never getting enough of a deficit for it to matter. It's frustrating. I know things take time but good lord I have no patience.

People have to hear other people call Thursday "Friday Eve" should be entitled to financial compensation.

If there's a full moon in my first house tomorrow, why do I have a massive zit forming on my forehead? Hmmmmm?!

Another house that's really cute and reasonably priced and within walking distance from Dunkies came on the market yesterday. It faces a busy street, but I think the garage is on an alley behind it. This whole maybe buying a house thing is just... bananas. Like I guess we gotta just jump in sooner or later, but 🙃

Spotify is really knocking it out of the park today.

Was there anything else? No. I think that's all the random thoughts rattling around my head right now.

Oh I should decide what races I'm for sure doing so I can determine when to start training for things. It won't be anytime soon, I'm sure.

[forestcursed]

I hate this stage. Everytime I have gone through this is just the same. What's the point of feeling as miserable? I won't even dare to try anyway, I'm a failure, my life is pointless and if I only could kill myself everything would be much better, for me cause I wouldn't even notice, how could I, I wouldn't be here, thanks for all your support but I won't do it!!!!! I still have to wake up tomorrow, for what, idk maybe just to feel as bad! What a wonderful life, you have to live it everyday, somebody should had told me that before I decided I'm unable to take the pills or jump!!!

[theewritingroomm]

Cliché

Summary: Being best friends with the Weasley twins meant constant adventure. However, Y/N’s biggest adventure is coming to terms with her feelings for her best friend. Pairing: Fred Weasley x Reader Word Count: 1,882 Warnings: Unrequited feelings, swearing, A/N: Text divider by: @firefly-graphics

Y/N could not exactly remember when she became friends with the Weasley twins, but she does remember a lot of the things that they pulled her into. She remembers when they first started dragging her along through the hidden tunnels throughout Hogwarts, she remembers when she would stay at the Borrow for the summer and she would watch them prank Percy and Ron, and she remembers exactly when she started having developing feelings towards Fred.

It was completely cliche for her to fall for her best friend, but despite others saying he was childish and could not keep his attention on anything for longer than ten seconds she didn't care. She did not care what people said about her and her two best friends, they were inseparable, and were known around the school as the Three Musketeers: a name given to them by Hermione. The name followed them around as did the gossip and rumors started by fellow classmates.

But now the Tri-Wizard Tournament and the Yule Ball was all anyone could seem to talk about. Instead of O.W.L.S, the house cup, and the quidditch cup there was talk about who everyone thought was going to win the tournament and who was going to the ball with who.

Now Y/N really did not care who was going with who, or who she thought was going to win the tournament; well, that's what she had told Fred and George. To be honest she would like to go to the ball but with Fred and George always around no one would attempt to talk to her, but that would not matter since the only person she wanted to go with only saw her as a friend. It was such a cliché scenario, falling for your best friend.

"So, Y/N, has anyone asked you to the ball?" Hermione asked her over breakfast. Now Y/N could not lie and say someone has because them Fred and George will ask who and then they'll turn into overprotective blokes, and no one really wants that. So, she just shook her head pouring herself some more pumpkin juice. Hermione just stared wide eyed and open mouthed at her.

"Bloody hell. If Y/N can’t get a date, then how can we Harry?" She heard Ron mumble. Y/N wanted to say something or throw something at him but fought against it and stood up to walk out of the Great Hall. No one tried to stop her, and since they were on holiday, she couldn't go to class so she settled for the Gryffindor common room.

Sitting in front of the fire Y/N thought back to one of her first summers at the Borrow.

She was nervous, not only was it the first time she would be meeting the entire Weasley family, but it was right about the time that she started discovering her true feelings for Fred. She ended up staying in Ginny's room and becoming fast friends with the youngest Weasley. It was about halfway through the summer when Y/N was confronted by Ginny; for someone so young she had seen the way Y/N looked at her brother.

"Hey Y/N..." Hermione's voice startled her out of her memories, making her face the younger girl. "I'm sorry for what Ron said earlier, he doesn't really watch what he's saying."

"It's ok Hermione. Fred and George are the same way. Can't really remember how many times I've scolded them for saying things they shouldn't have" Y/N chuckled at this, but Hermione stayed silent.

"But that's not way I'm here actually." She looked at the fire avoiding looking Y/N in the eye. "Now please don't be mad at Ginny, I forced her to tell me."

"Hermione, what did she tell you?" Y/N's voice was hard and cold, but she isn't one to tell others what she's feeling so for Ginny to know about how she felt about Fred and now for Hermione to know was more than she could take.

"It's not that bad. I mean there's still time for you to ask him if you really want to go with him..."

"No Hermione, there isn't any time left. He asked Angelia yesterday in front of me. So, what am I supposed to do? Walk up to him and tell him that I have feelings for him, and I have since third year?"

It was a lot for her to admit out loud, and especially in front of another person. Now Y/N waited for Hermione to say something, anything but the only thing she heard was a gasp then a chuckle. Not two seconds after she heard that did George step into the common room. Now some people can't tell the twins apart, but she could, and she could also tell that this was bad, unbelievably bad.

"George, what the hell are you doing here?" Y/N asked staring wide eyed at him. She was panicking, there wasn't much the twins kept from each other and she didn't know if he would keep this to himself.

"Well, I came to check on my friend, see if she was okay after storming out of breakfast." He was teasing her; she could tell by the mischievous grin on his lips that nothing good was going to come out of this. "But I come up here to hear that she's got a crush on my brother."

Now Y/N liked to believe she was able to keep calm under stress, she had to be able to with as much trouble the twins dragged her into. But right now, with Hermione and George looking at her and knowing what she felt for her friend nearly pushed her over the edge. So, there she sat, in front of the fire her jaw tight and eyes watering with her secret coming out that she realized it was pointless to try and hide it anymore, it was all falling apart anyway.

"Hermione, can you let me, and George talk alone for a minute." It was less of a question than a request, so when the portrait closed behind her Y/N looked over at him to see the grin hadn't left his face.

"You know Y/N, I've always questioned the guys you've gone out with and what you saw in them. But now I know that you've been trying to get over dear old Fred."

"Shut up George, just shut up." Y/N tried her hardest not to cry, she tried to keep from breaking down, but she wasn't successful; she had reached her breaking point. "Just forget this every happened and promise me you won't tell Fred."

"But let me just...."

"No George, promise me."

"I promise."

Y/N just nodded and left the common room. She had a feeling that something was going to go wrong, something was going to come back and bite her in the ass. But at this moment she didn't care, she just wanted to be left alone, to get away from everyone.

Christmas at Hogwarts was Y/N's favorite time, the feast, and the alone time when most everyone was gone was something she looked forward to. But this Christmas was different, there were more people staying at Hogwarts this year and the Yule Ball was happening on Christmas day. Now she wasn't to down about the amount of people staying nor was she still upset about Hermione and George knowing about how she felt for Fred, she was nervous about the ball and how she would handle it.

After talking with Ginny and some other of her not so close friends, she realized that the ball was a once and a lifetime opportunity and she couldn't let it slip through her fingers. So, with a little planning Y/N and Lee Jordan were going together. It wasn't too bad, Y/N and Lee were friends, and Lee owed her a favor anyway.

"You know I don't think I've ever seen you in a dress before." Hermione tried to calm Y/N's nerves as they walked towards the Great Hall.

"I know." After that half-assed, awkward attempt at a conversation no one else spoke until after they met up with their dates.

It was after everyone watched the champions dance with their partners and Y/N made one to many unnecessary trips to the punch bowl, did her and Lee dance. It was not the perfect slow dance, they were stumbling over each other’s feet and laughing at stories, in all it was a good night.

"You know Fred's been looking at you all night." Lee whispered to her before twirling her. She snuck a quick glance over to him to see him dancing with Angeila, but his eyes were trained on her. She could not read what he was feeling but by the look he was sending her it wasn't too good.

"Guess he's shocked that I'm in a dress." Y/N shrugged looking away from Fred to flash Lee a smile.

They stayed at the ball for what felt like hours, they stayed until they were the last ones in the Great Hall. For a night that started out full of nerves and doubt it ended as close to perfect as Y/N would get.

"Good night Lee. I'll see you tomorrow." Y/N told him, waving him off as he walked to his room.

She smiled to herself and sat in an armchair in front of the fire thinking over the night. I mean sure she did not go with the guy she wanted to, but she did go with someone she could have fun with; and maybe the night went better than she thought it would. Overall, she would not do anything different to change tonight.

"You look happy." She jumped at the voice, about to yell at the person for scaring the shit out of her but she turned and saw George looking at her with a smug grin.

"It was a good night." She told him simply looking back at the fire.

"You know if you wanted Fred and I wouldn't oppose to you going out with Lee."

"Lee's a great guy, but I couldn't. It wouldn't go anywhere; I'd be leading him along."

"Because of how you feel about Fred." Y/N just nodded, not looking at him. "Maybe that's what you need. Someone to get your mind off him."

"That's the thing George, I can't get him out of my mind. He's been my friend since our first year and I had to be the one to fall for her best friend." She ranted, trying not to wake everyone in the tower.

Before George could say anything, his twin stepped into the common room, a shell-shocked expression on his face.

'Shit, shit, son of a bitch' ran through Y/N's mind. He had heard them, heard how she felt about him.

"Y/N...." he started, but he could not finish there were to many emotions running through his head. Fred took a breath before nodding towards his brother, who quickly left the two of them alone. "Look I'm sorry but Angeila and I..."

"No, you don't have to explain Fred. I knew you wouldn't feel the same way." She gave him a small sad smile before grabbing her heels and walking to her dorm.

"Good night Fred,” she told him before turning away, trying to hide her tears from him; but he had seen them.

[lokeanrampant]

Indoctrination via Societal Influence

Had an interesting conversation recently that really got me thinking about indoctrination.  Cause I HATE indoctrination.  Despise it.  It doesn’t matter to me if it’s in real life, in books, in video games – the media doesn’t matter, because indoctrination is frequently used to teach people to hate themselves, to not think for themselves, to adhere to a status quo with which we had no say and is a matter of tradition for tradition’s sake (which if you know anything about my blog, you know I LOATHE).  

And probably no one will read this and whatever…it’s still something I need to get out and shout and rail against and just…NOT keep inside.  There’s a lot about gender identity, forced gender identities and attributes, overall influence and divisiveness to cause power structures, etc.  It’s a rant and it’s frustration and it’s tears and it’s pain.

And it’s sorrow.

The stereotypical gender molds – female and male separations – are divisive to me as they seem restrictive by dictating what it means to be one or the other and never the twain shall meet.  Which is, if I may, BULLSHIT.  What attributes of personality, interests, abilities, etc., are considered “female” or “male” by society is literally that – dictated by a society that was and still is geared toward creating division.  If you can separate things, especially people, you can place one over the other.  It’s not a merging of people to create a unified community; it’s a division of people to create a power structure.  This particular power structure was created to elevate men over women.  

Are there biological differences between the classic male and female genders?  Absolutely.  But there are also a fuckton of biological merging between the two.  Medicine is particularly bad about this.  To a degree, it makes sense – medicine is based on averages, what works for the majority of people who are similar to x, y, z genetics.  That is good EXCEPT when it goes on for too long, it strangles itself and becomes restrictive.  With the push for trans rights and visibility and care based on the individual rather than the “norm,” we are actually trying to steer medicine to treating what is presented, not what is textbook average.  That is brilliant and what it should be as it works for everyone based on biology, not some preconceived societal dictate.  

There is a reason most medications do not work for predominantly genetically female people – they weren’t tested or designed for those people.  The majority of medications and procedures and hell, even warning signs for diseases, are all based around predominantly genetically male people.  It’s why heart attack symptoms for women are so vastly different and missed.  It’s why women miss major illnesses because the pain is less than cramps and we’ve been told for years that we’re overreacting to how painful that is and that cramps are dismissed as an inconvenience, not an actual THING.  (Also, please note, anyone with a womb can have uterine cramps, because they are fucking contractions designed to push out unneeded biologic material, and genetics is a complicated and fascinating mess and variety of chromosomes - however you feel is who you are and you are VALID. Medicine is a bitch and until we get Big Pharma out of it and focus on actually healing and not money, well, it is going to continue to be a bitch.  Someone tell me why my new medication is over a thousand dollars, $350 with insurance, and fucking $5 with a manufacturer coupon.  WTF…if it’s $5 with a coupon, it should be FIVE DOLLARS FLAT.  Assholes.)  

This societal division creates self-doubt and anxiety that we aren’t male enough or female enough and it spirals into self-hate that we don’t fit.  And again, I call BULLSHIT.  My sister (and when I start talking gender issues, I start getting twitchy about even calling sister/brother/mother/father as they’re all gendered labels instead of parent and sibling, but ugh, that’s an issue for another day…) presented with PCOS symptoms in high school, especially hirsutism.  That caused her a lot of self-doubt in how people perceive her and how she perceives herself.  She’s afraid of anything that might make her look more “masculine” to people because of that, to the point she was terrified of getting a short haircut (and she looks super cute with it and she’s so much more comfortable in this heat).  WTF, people? We should not be doing that to other people!  

And OMG, the comments we get when we do things that are “traditionally male.”  Comments from men and women.  Things like demolishing, repairing, and rebuilding a deck.  The fact that I burn through a pair of “gardening” gloves and hand shears yearly because they don’t make work gloves small enough for me in the local hardware stores and I don’t putter in a garden – I fucking LANDSCAPE.  I move stone and gravel and till the ground and build raised beds and clear brush and brambles.  Garden gloves don’t survive that shit.  Doing these things should not be bad ass for a woman.  These things are practical and they need to get done.  My sister and I are fortunate to have a house, but we have it because we simply couldn’t afford to continue living in an apartment where the rent went up $400 every six months.  Our mortgage is less than our last apartment by a significant amount. However, that also means we have to do all the upkeep and repairs because we still can’t afford large scale repairs without years of saving.  It’s a constant battle.  

I am the only female in a department of 16 at work.  I get comments from the few other women at work regarding my hair, saying how brave I am (I am a dirty ash blonde, but currently have black and raspberry hair, super pretty, because I changed it up for a play.  I wish my hair had stayed the strawberry it was when I was little. *pout*).  BUT WHY THE FUCK IS THAT BRAVE?  It’s HAIR.  Why is it more…I don’t know, wild, I guess?  Why do we have to give up something like that after some arbitrary age? That goes back to that whole millennial reblog about how we feel pressured to reach arbitrary society-dictated goals by x age and that being an adult means we have to give up certain things. FUCK THAT NOISE.  I already feel that I’ve lost out on so many things because my mental health issues had me stalled for years, then I figured out who I was and got started, then mental health went down again (lovely roller coaster ride).  But I’m behind.  I’m so far behind on those milestones society says we should have by now, even though it’s ridiculous and we shouldn’t have to meet those milestones because they’re simply NOT APPLICABLE to today’s life.  They aren’t.  If you can meet them, hey, more power to you.  Most of us can’t.  Most of us won’t.  And quite a few of us don’t care to do so because there are more important things to handle right now and giving up who we are to obtain some arbitrary approval isn’t one of them.  And yet it still fucking HURTS that I feel I can never have some of those things because I was trained to believe I was only worth something if I had them.  

Even then, we can only go so far because our entire system is rooted in that nonsense and we still have to play by some rules just to survive.  And it’s stupid and it’s frustrating and you just want to rail at the system because it needs to be changed, but you’re just one person.  Just one.  And getting past the apathy of so many around you, encouraging people to speak up and gather together to present a front, to not be cowed, to not feel like their voice doesn’t matter, to make them feel like they can help make a change for the better?  It’s an uphill battle.  People don’t want to get involved.  Sure, a lot of them believe in better ideas and ideals, but we’ve been trained to accept, not to fight.  (Somehow, I always come back to activism for a better world.  I’d say sorry, but I’m not, not really.)

ANYWAY, back to gender identity.  

What gender SHOULD be is what each individual chooses to be.  

What society has made it is something else entirely.  There are these societal molds into female and male traits, where you are one or the other.  You’re not supposed to like or do these things if you’re the opposite one.  And it’s created this  schism where it’s so damned fucking unhealthy.  It created toxic masculinity that says males can’t be emotional or seek aid.  It’s created this hyper-femininity where women truly believe they need a man to do things.  And it’s not wrong to want a man to do things, either around the house or for you or whatever.  It’s not wrong to want ANYONE, ANY IDENTITY, to help you do something, whether that something is emotional or physical.  But it IS WRONG for society to dictate that those are NECESSARY THINGS BECAUSE OF YOUR SOCIETY-IMPOSED GENDER.  What YOU choose is what YOU choose.  That is what feminism is, that is what humanism is – the ability to choose for yourself what feels best to you, with the caveat of “so long as it harm none.”

So yes, I feel female. My version of female, because I personally don’t feel nb, though who knows, that may change as I get older. And she plays video games, both violent and not.  She not only gardens, but uses some damned fun and effective power gardening tools (seriously, y’all…alligator loppers are AMAZING – mini-gardening chainsaw that is brilliant for removing brush) AND landscapes with masonry, gravel, pavers, stones, and retaining walls and building raised beds.  She cooks, she cares, she loves (even if it’s not returned or wanted), she fights, she protects.  Even if her hands aren’t pretty or elegant, they are her mother’s hands – hands that can comfort; hands that can create life or if necessary, take it away to prevent suffering; hands that create as well as destroy.  Even if she doesn’t matter, now or ever, in the grand scheme of things, she is fire, an element of change, destruction, and creation.  

I was taught to hate everything about who I was from a very young age.   I was trained to believe I was only worth something through the male lens…and I was never, ever, good enough.  I just want people to NOT have to feel that, to not be taught that. I want people to be able to be who they are, whoever that is, without society telling them they are inherently wrong simply for existing.  I know I don’t fit anywhere.  I don’t fit mainstream.  Hell, I don’t fit in the outliers.  I’m not LGBT enough to fit there, either, as I have been pushed away from there on multiple occasions for not being enough.  

But I don’t want that for others.  I’m used to being alone and out the outside, but it’s a hard road to walk and live.  

[citycfangels]

text: charlie ⇄ raquel

Charlie: [http://68.media.tumblr.com/7dbebb4db2fe718f37b048eca14ded61/tumblr_onquqxCphs1va2efko1_500.jpg]

Charlie: here you have a post-work out good morning pic. you're welcome

Raquel: so really I get pictures just because now?

Raquel: is that your way of saying you miss me?

Charlie: i thought you'd appreciate seeing my abs after a work out session first thing in the morning

Raquel: I do appreciate it. It's like a really nice wake up call.

Raquel: Now you just have me thinking about you and post workout mode. Taking a long shower, water dripping off your muscles, you walking around in just a towel. You sending that picture was just an evil plan to get me to think about you.

Charlie: i'm an evil mastermind who wants to get you hot and bothered all the time. you caught me, babe

Charlie: how are you, besides awake and slightly horny?

Raquel: how had I not picked up on that sooner?

Raquel: I'm good. Great actually. Without you in bed with me I actually get some sleep 😜

Charlie: ooooh, it seems not having me in bed is almost as good as having me in there. nice to know you're well rested

Raquel: almost being the most important part of that sentence. I would have preferred to sleep next to you but maybe I'm just giving you enough time to miss me.

Charlie: and you needed some time to sleep and rest, and what kind of man would i be if i didn't let you rest?

Raquel: hmm technically still a good one. Especially with the ways you keep me awake.

Charlie: you have a point. if the sex wasn't that good, that's when i'd be a bad man.

Raquel: then in that case you're the best man I've ever met.

Charlie: you're good at boosting my ego in the morning, babe

Charlie: thanks, btw.

Raquel: well isn't that supposed to be a thing a girlfriend does? You know ego boost, emotional support, mind numbing orgasms. You know just to name a few.

Charlie: oh yes, that's a very girlfriend thing to do. cheerleading is also one of those too

Charlie: what are you doing now?

Raquel: and that's where you got an expert in cheerleading.

Raquel: besides texting you, I'm texting Casey because we're thinking of going out tonight. I'm still giving you time to miss me and time to be alone.

Charlie: my own personal cheerleader.

Charlie: oh good, go out with me. i have to work tonight anyways, but i think it'll be you the one missing me.

Charlie: i think you saw this question coming, but are you barely dressed by any chance?

Raquel: yup ready to bend, cheer and wear the skimpiest of outfits all for your benefit.

Raquel: me miss you? No chance.

Raquel: hmmm maybe.

Charlie: now you have to wear an uniform for me someday just because you said that

Charlie: no? well, i'm offended

Charlie: that's your answer? because my imagination is running wild right now

Raquel: You get me the uniform and I'll do whatever you want. I can show you just how flexible I really can be.

Raquel: Nope. I won't miss you at all.

Raquel: well

Raquel: [ http://68.media.tumblr.com/95bd42cd527dc67bb26bb91c59b300a1/tumblr_nur5ygPw5Z1upy1qao1_500.jpg ]

Raquel: just to stop your imagination from going too wild. Too bad you can't come over because you'd distract me from getting ready to go out.

Charlie: got it. i'm not sure where to get one for kinky purposes, but i'll figure it out. i hope they sell any at the sex shop

Charlie: boo you

Charlie: have i told you today how fucking hot you are, babe? because you look so fuckable in that pic

Charlie: i guess i have my hand to take care of myself today, but we'll make up for it tomorrow

Raquel: it really is too bad that I don't have my old one. They probably have on online or something. Unless you specifically want to wait for halloween then you'd have plenty to choose from.

Raquel: you hadn't said it but it is sort of implied. I don't think you'd be with me if I didn't at least try to be as hot as you are.

Raquel: oh so you just automatically think you get to claim me for tomorrow?

Charlie: i don't think i want to wait until halloween so i'll look for it

Charlie: being hot is a plus, but i'd be with you if you weren't

Charlie: do you have any plans for tomorrow? i had to try

Raquel: someone's impatient. You only would have had to wait four months. It's not like I'm going anywhere.

Raquel: so even if I let myself go you'd still be with me?

Raquel: I might have dinner plans with someone I don't want to have dinner plans with. Do you want to come over tomorrow during the day?

Charlie: four months to see you in a cheerleader uniform are four months. of course i'm impatient

Charlie: yes, i would.

Charlie: sure, i could use a different place to be. who are you having dinner with?

Raquel: fine then I can probably find one in a couple of days

Raquel: part of me is tempted to let myself go just to see if you would but then again that would be pointless.

Raquel: no one important.

Charlie: good

Charlie: i would still be with you, although you're perfect the way you are

Charlie: okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to

Raquel: it's thank to all the kale I eat lol 😜

Raquel: I'd just rather not think about it until tomorrow night. Just spend the day with me.

Charlie: i thought you hated kale

Charlie: okay, babe. we'll do whatever you want to make you not think about it. i can be there in the morning or whenever you want

Raquel: that doesn't mean you aren't supposed to have it.

Raquel: well chances are I'll be hungover so unless you want to end up with hungover me all night I think the morning is your best bet.

Charlie: still, it's gross babe. i don't know how that can be healthy

Charlie: then i'll bring you something for breakfast to help you, just tell me what you want. and then a bath or whatever you want to do after breakfast

Raquel: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4408/Top-10-Health-Benefits-of-Eating-Kale.html

Raquel: see it's good for you. You aren't supposed to eat it like in a salad. You can have it in like a smoothie or something. You won't even taste it.

Raquel: you are literally the best boyfriend ever. Where did they make you because you are like way too perfect.

Charlie: eh, i'll think about it. i'm not too much into these diets, but i'll give it a shot at some point

Charlie: in the backseat of a car in a rainy night, babe

Raquel: you can always have some of mine.

Raquel: well shoutout to your parents for knowing how to take advantage of mood setting.

Raquel: and you know the whole raising you to be the man you are now thing.

Charlie: all i know is that they were lost in a roadtrip and they couldn't wait to get into a motel room to fuck, so

Charlie: i hope you get to tell them that someday

Raquel: sort of sounds like something we'd do. You know if we ever took a road trip.

Raquel: you want me to meet your parents?

Charlie: yeah, i can see it happening. sex in the backseat of a car and then in a motel room. so fucking nice

Charlie: not now, but if you ever want to go to canada like you've told me i guess you'll end up meeting them

Charlie: you know, when things are more serious.

Raquel: jacuzzi sex. Putting up do not disturb signs and ordering room service.

Raquel: I do want to go to Canada. I want to see where you grew up.

Raquel: I'd go anywhere with you and if that means I get to thank the people who gave me the man I am crazy about then yes. I'll go whenever things get more serious.

Charlie: i've never had jacuzzi sex, so it'd be the first time for me

Charlie: okay. we can't go now, but we'll go there someday, i promise.

Charlie: you know that things getting more serious would mean making this official, right? once you break things off with Nathan and shit

Raquel: you and me both but it has been on my bucketlist.

Raquel: then that definitely means I need to have my passport in order.

Charlie: it's a nice thing to have in our bucketlist

Charlie: you should get it in order, just in case we make that trip soon

Raquel: oh there are plenty of other things like it on that list.

Raquel: well with expediting a passport it only takes a month. Unless you're planning on getting really serious really fast.

Charlie: what's on your list? i'm curious

Charlie: nah, not that soon, but it's good to have it in order

Raquel: mile high club, on a beach but not in the sand more like on those bed hammocks they have in like cabo or something. There are more but those are just to get started.

Raquel: you're right. I'm just surprised I hadn't gotten my passport sooner.

Raquel: then again I didn't really have a reason to travel outside of the us before.

Charlie: you want to fuck in a plane? we'll fuck in a plane then. and those hammocks seems good places to have sex in

Charlie: now you have a good reason

Raquel: who doesn't want to have sex on a plane? Well except for like southwest planes where its like being trapped in a tiny linen closet.

Raquel: yeah, and honestly there isn't anyone else I'd want to travel with.

Charlie: i never thought of it until now, but that sounds hot and exciting

Raquel: really? Never? Not even when you had like a hot flight attendant on your plane?

Charlie: not really. i didn't pay a lot of attention to them when i flew here. they weren't that hot, tbh

Raquel: that's a little disappointing. You got like the wrong first impression of what the u.s should be like.

Raquel: we never really talked about it hut why did you come to the states, not that there's any complaints from me.

Charlie: yeah, i was disappointed in that plane. i was hoping they had long legs to stare at whenever they walked by

Charlie: the beach, the weather and more possibilities of working at something that doesn't require wearing at least three layers of clothes everyday

Raquel: damn you whatever airline for crushing my baby's dreams. But if I'm going to be looking at a girl legs isn't what I would be looking at.

Raquel: well thank you for wanting to escape colder weather. If not we wouldn't have met.

Charlie: hey, legs are a good physical quality to look at on a girl. legs and ass, particularly. you can't blame me.

Charlie: at least that makes bartending easier, don't you think?

Raquel: and if I were looking for a girl I'd probably look for chest more than ass.

Raquel: it does a bit. Or at least you know people aren't just drinking to stay warm.

Charlie: two more amazing qualities to look at, but you have to start somewhere, right?

Charlie: well, that could be happening if i was working in a coffee shop, but being a bartender is cooler, i think

Charlie: plus i don't want too many people benefiting from my coffee.

Raquel: i guess you do have a point that you should start from the bottom up, and lucky for you I have all three.

Raquel: no, coffee is only for me. No one else can know I have my personal barista

Charlie: you have three very good attributes and i'm so lucky i can see them very often

Charlie: i meant that, silly. i'm not making coffee for anyone else, so you're a lucky one

Raquel: just not tonight. If I drunk text you you should know that I dont mean like much of it.

Raquel: no take backs and it's forever so too bad.

Charlie: i'll keep that in mind. i'd like to see the drunk raquel in you though

Charlie: i won't take it back, you'll be the only one to taste my coffee

Raquel: you've seen me drunk before. Well maybe tipsy.

Raquel: 😘

Charlie: you were the cute drunk at that new year's eve party, i kinda loved it

Raquel: but I thought you didn't do clingy?

Charlie: depends on the person.

Charlie: i wouldn't do clingy with candice bc it was just sex, but with you? it's not only sex. i don't really mind it bc clingy isn't the only thing that describes you and i really like you

Raquel: I really like you too.

Raquel: (an hour later) they keep playing crying in the club and i don't get it because no one is crying in the club. Well maybe in the bathroom but does the dj see something I don't? I'm confused.

Charlie: :)

Charlie: they should have chosen another song. there are better ones anyways

Raquel: or

Raquel: or

Raquel: he is like one of those alien people who can see things regular humans can't and he sees people crying. He does seem like a nice dj so maybe he is like here is this song to cheer you up.

Raquel: hopefully he isnt like the aliens in signs. But it's not like there is a lot of water around here anyways.

Charlie: aliens?

Charlie: okay, how drunk are you?

Raquel: yes aliens

Raquel: they're real. Like so real

Raquel: I dont know how to answer that

Charlie: how real do you think they are? would you like to meet any?

Raquel: they're so real!

Raquel: babe, listen.

Raquel: like we can't be the only people in the universe. Like we just cant so the only answer is aliens. Thats the only way.

Raquel: if theyre nice then sure but if they like want to take o we the world and like listen to donald trump or something then no.

Charlie: okay, you may have a point. they can be out there in the universe, it makes sense

Charlie: maybe they're nice to us and they can take donald trump. that would be nice

Raquel: then they would be true mvps and we wouldnt be mad at them for taking all of our water for their spaceships.

Raquel instagram post: https://78.media.tumblr.com/7e58412d60dbd342aad477a015ac0bf0/tumblr_oriui9KiIT1w7ltgxo1_500.jpg Quellersmal #ootd just because it took Casey forever to get ready #latergram

Charlie: whoa there, all of it?

Raquel: yup. All of it.no more water for us. Only tequila shots.

Charlie: but what about the plants? wouldn't they die?

Raquel: babe. I just said we would have no more water and only tequila and you are worried about the plans? Worry about me. What am I going to do? I would be hungover forever.

Raquel: the plants can get rain water but me? I cant.

Charlie: of course i'm worried about you, but the plants deserve water too.

Charlie: well, i hope they leave a bit of water for us at least

Raquel: okay true I shouldn't be thinking just about myself.

Raquel: maybe if we ask them nicely. They'd already be doing us a huge favor by taking a demon away from us so we probably shouldn't push it

Charlie: tru

Charlie: how's your night going? are you having fun?

Raquel: so mch fun so much drinks.

Raquel: and casey smels like marshamlws

Raquel: maybe nit marshmellows but somethmg sweet and its like i want to eat her.

Raquel: and i have like fice new friends

Charlie: i wish i was there, babe. i bet it's better than working

Charlie: does she? i bet she does

Charlie: that's good, babe. remind them you're taken tho

Raquel: maybe we shoud go there

Raquel: butt then i still wouldnt be able to liss you be ause youre not ssupposed to make out with your bartender or at least thats what people tell me

Raquel: mhmm I told them that at one poknt i has 2 bfs but now i only really have one and that i love him even if i just lied and just said like really like but really he should know that i mean love.

Charlie: ... how drunk are you?

Raquel: im not drink

Raquel: dunk

Raquel: denk

Raquel: okay i am

Charlie: okay

Charlie: shit, i have to go. break is over and i have to go back to work

Charlie: i will see you tomorrow at your place. i'll bring breakfast with me, babe

Raquel: :(

Raquel: kay bye

Raquel: 😘😘😍💋💋💋💋