#or maybe I'll put it back! idk. im mentally ill ����

[hws-lceland]

It's been a long year but i am happy to finally be able to post my Polaroid for the @hws-anthology ! This was my first ever zine and I'm honored to have been part of it since Hetalia has been part of my life for 10 years now. And I've made some incredible friends due to it

[r1poutmygvtz]

longgg ramble/vent/whatever's on my mind, idk man i'm tired and should probably schedule another therapy appointment soon

also this is kinda just all over the place, idk my thoughts are kinda scattered rn for some reason

(tws: mental health talk, sh, suicide attempts, od mention, ed, body issues, weed + alcohol talk, medicine misuse, childhood abuse, pet + family death mentions, possibly more idk if i missed one lmk and i'll tag it and put it up here)

my mental health right now is so fragile i don't understand, like obviously i know i'm depressed, i've been diagnosed for nearly two years now but i should've been much earlier, maybe that's why it got so bad, i don't even remember why i was diagnosed tbh, i think it was my first time back after like a year and a half maybe two years of not being in therapy and obviously a lot of shit happened, in that time that i went without therapy i tried to kms three times, had an alcoholic phase, and got addicted to weed

it was also sometime around my birthday i believe, which would make sense on why i got diagnosed, im always super depressed around my birthday, i mean i was expelled on my 13th, my great grandma died the day after my 14th and the day after that i tried to kms and that was the most traumatizing one and it took me over 2 years to be able to take the meds that i od'd on again without freaking out, i was literally so high i can't even remember my 15th, 4 days before my 16th i graduated (horrible for me, i had a panic attack everyday leading up to it for like 2 weeks straight) and 2 days after that my cat that i had since my 12th birthday died, so there's literally nothing enjoyable about my birthday and it feels more like a curse than anything

anyways, i've been the same since i was like 8 or 9, i was depressed and dreamt/wished i would die or get seriously hurt, maybe i just wanted my dad to care about me for once or maybe i did really just want to die, im not sure, i can't really remember my childhood, my therapist says i most likely have ptsd from the abuse which would explain the memory gaps and dpdr (depersonalization & derealization for those that don't know, the derealization is confirmed by my therapist btw just not the depersonalization but that's probably only because i didn't bring that up)

i think the most fucked up part is the fact it took me 16 years to find out the abuse was also physical, i spent the entire time before that thinking it was only verbal towards me and my siblings but i guess not, also apparently all the times me and my sister went to my neighbors/aunts house was because we were hiding from my dad, i thought we just went over to watch cartoons because we didn't have them at home, idk it was just weird for me to find out 7 years after it stopped, it doesn't really bother me all that much tbh my dad was already dead to me and i've been mostly no contact with him for almost 3 years now

also speaking of me as a kid, that's when a lot of my problems started, i was 9 almost 10 for the dpdr and 8 or 9 when i started hating my body, sh came in later tho i was like 10 or 11 when that started, i actually remember being like 9 and writing down everything i ate on a piece of paper, and when i was 10 i kept a notebook full of what i weighed in the morning and night and would see the difference in it, i also vividly remember asking my mom how many calories were in something from mcdonald's and she told me i was too young to be asking that so i just kinda stopped after that which obviously ended up coming back, i mean just look at my account

anyways yea i just hate how back and forth my mental health is, one day i could be doing great and think i'm amazing and unbelievably pretty and smart and ill try to better myself by getting sober and staying clean, then the next day i'll hate myself and consider going back to taking my meds throughout the day just so i was loopy and hardly able to process anything

tbh i do miss it a lot, i started back when i was heavily addicted to weed and would take my meds when i couldn't smoke, actually i used to take melatonin a bunch throughout the day so i could just pass out if anything happened that i didn't want to deal with (literally anything at all tbf) but that started to not work as well as i wanted so i turned to my meds, i'd take my nightly dose (50mg instead of the 20mg i was supposed to take) at like noon and would be loopy until it was time to actually take it, i didn't do it much tbh, my sisters bf caught on after the third or fourth time because i had just met his family for the first time that day and their dog tried to bite my face apparently and i didn't even react (didn't even realize it happened tbh) and he asked what was up with me and i told him bc i've known him forever, anyways yea he yelled at me to knock it off and went on about how it's gonna kill me if i kept doing it, so i did it like once after that and it's been months since i've done it again

it's kinda funny tho, those meds actually could've killed me regardless, i was supposed to take them three times a day but only really did once at school and i still got a bunch of the more serious side effects because i wasn't supposed to smoke while taking them but obv i did bc i was addicted, like breathing was hard, i nearly fainted all the time, my appetite was nonexistent, my heart was starting to mess up, like i literally thought i had a heart attack one day because the side effects were that bad and my mom and sister started looking up symptoms of POTS because that's what the side effects looked like, anyways i got taken off those months ago but i still have them somewhere and i'm fighting the urge to find and take them just so i have no appetite and so i'll sleep through the day

i think that's really all idk, there's more i was gonna say but i can't really remember plus this is already super long jfc, i don't expect anyone to actually read this, i just wanted it off my chest and i don't really trust talking to many people about this kinda stuff

[puppet-purgatory]

you won't post 1 headcanon for every puppet. you wont

i WILL. AND i'll do it in chronological order from appearance (more or less). but it will be under a readmore after the first season so i dont interrupt anyones scrollin

The Professor: i think in addition to growing a bit from Dino DNA(tm) he also has feathers now. just some feathers in there with his fur. maybe even molts and is miserable about it

Death: he plays guitar And piano, but just as a hobby. he's like a salaryman who had a garage band as a teenager and never fully gave up on the dream

Propeller: propeller SADSTUCK: i think he legitimately had to go to therapy for the britannica shit that happened. PH feels like it would be that realistic about mental health tbh

Big Pile of Diamonds: his mustache is fake. his greatest secret. his greatest shame.

God: he actually really likes to dance! unfortunately next 2 no one will do it since... The Incident

Train: does he not have a better name... maybe put a mr. in front of there... anyway he feels betrayed by the U.S. since they gave up the train model for highways/interstates and the motorcar industry. gets REALLY heated about it

Mt. Vesuvius: has a bunch of speeches given by famous latin authors and orators memorized, but sometimes he mashes them up without realizing/misattributes which one was written by whom. old man moments

Hatshepsut's Goose: can't remember what their gender was in life. that's fine, they love being a nonbinary icon. AMAB (Assigned Mummy at (em)Balming)

Clipped Coin: dodges the spool's wrath by being unflappable and so down to earth despite his apparent success. truly the king of staying in his own lane

Olympic Torch: hes a cranky piece of shit and only really enjoys sporting competition. he was complaining about being in the group puzzle photo so god just picked him up and he went ffffffffffine. okay. ill smile for 2 seconds

Gay Oars: i think they Also went to therapy, mostly relationship counseling, and now they are back and better than Ever. unbreakable bond. im abt to pen a whole ass comic series about them getting married in purgatory

Policarpa's Spool: still thinks of himself as a spy type, but there's only so much spying he can do in... purgatory. of course, his primary nemesis is the treasure chest.

Lake Donner Snowman: idk if this counts as a headcanon per se but in my very short list where i recast the puppets as famous singers, he is ABSOLUTELY voiced by Weird Al Yankovic.

St. Nick's Wet Bones: sort of taking the whole purgatory thing in stride. he kinda feels like he's in retirement! now he's a minor agent of chaos who's looked after by his darling Pickle Boys

Beast of Gevaudan: i was so sad when the infinitiger wasn't real, i wanted them to have a cooking show together so badly and destroy the horse's self-esteem. i love him. hes so abominably french

Stool of Gold: well-traveled, well-read, literally just as sensible as the Book or the Oars, but finds the chaos entertaining to spectate.

Ziryab's Oud: I think that the puppets have divvied up the whole Wondrium Arena and all have designated Living Areas, and he has a whole dressing room filled with shitty costumes he can't even wear. every time someone knocks he answers like hes on MTV's Cribs.

Bye Bye Brothers: they live in the orchestral pit and treat it like a secret lair. only other Murderer Puppets are allowed in. EXCLUSIVE club

Flower Boat: GNC Icon. this is a flower boat stan account. jenuinely a wholesome, emotional vessel doing their best to pitch in.

Molasses Horse: you can wash him as much as you want, that shit always just comes back somehow. the book theorizes it's psychosomatic at this point, since they're technically only souls at this point.

Tiny Piece of Wheat: bro i bet they went through SUCH phases after finding out about the professor's death. like all five stages of grief and then four more that have not yet been discovered by humans. dw kiddo, u got Grandparents incoming

Emu: the type of guy to fistfight you and then help you up. laid back but ready to throw down at a MOMENT'S notice. has no beef with the Wheat, but generally avoids them to keep from any Upsets.

Treasure Chest: has a little list of get-rick-quick schemes he wants to test, but has no way to in purgatory. he has one braincell bouncing around in his head like the DVD logo

Scabs & Pus: they get to hang out with the Bye Bye Brothers in their little club :) they're gross dudes to look at and be around. but they are ultimately harmless and friendly and just happy to be included.

Book: i love da book. I think he lives in the music library backstage and finds librettos for stageplays/musicals to pitch to the group to put on, as well as produces their little TV shows.

Birch Trees: since they share a root system, they have a telepathic link and communicate without even speaking, which is fucking creepy as hell when one or both of them just start laughing out of nowhere. they probably enjoy acting sinister

Asmodeus: he worked HARD on his song for the show!!!!! i think he's a bit of a ham sometimes when he gets the chance. also his goat head bites literally anything that comes close on reflex.

The Devil: while everything he does is to get souls, it also feels like he wants for positive and is less an Enemy of God and more an Irritating Coworker. in my brain they have a whole Tom and Jerry thing going on.

I don't have anything for the Fake Puppets the Substitute impersonated, but im planning on drawing some infinitiger soon bc he was my fave for sure

The Substitute: this is PURELY crack but i think it would be hilarious if he had voice commands like some tech does. i want him to climb back in the window and ryan just yells XBOX TURN OFF and he vanishes.

Dino Dad/Dinosir: i think even after he gets to the present and learns about all kinds of rocks and gems and crystals he Still just loves a big old rock he can lay on and sun himself with. like a dad and his armchair. doesnt gotta be fancy, just has to be comfy.

Dino Mom/Dinosara: i think she would be REALLY into the fake tv shows the puppets in the Wondrium Arena make. and they'd probably Love to have her as a fan. i think both the professor's parents are Hella popular.

[pleucas]

this is said with no malice towards you i love your art!! i like you!!

also not capitalizing chuuya's name even tho i have better humor than this

this is going to be loooong but i never read a more stupid ask….

i don’t hate skk bcs i use my brain and see that they’re actually good and a fun ship when someone isn’t ruining it. what i hate is most skkers being unfunny towards Dazai and the continuous mischaracterization of him just to make chuuya look better (mostly chuuya stans but also dumb Dazai stans are guilty of it)

and no Dazai isn’t the worst and chuuya doesn’t deserve better in fact i think yall can’t handle a person with mental illness and a fake persona he clearly put on people always demonize him so i think saying he’s the worst and chuuya isn’t proves my point. they both EQUALLY did the same bad things Dazai isn’t more toxic than chuuya it’s more like Dazai is the one who’s going back to a toxic ex (mind u chuuya was ready to hurt or maybe even kill some of the ada members people Dazai obviously cares for)

the skk hater? who loves chuuya and hate Dazai because they know chuuya’s character will never be as important or as impactful on bsd universe as Dazai’s noted.

if you love chuuya and hate Dazai your opinion about Dazai is immediately invalid like i think they just know no bsd character can be better written and more interesting than Dazai he's what keeping bsd good (and Fyodor i liked him in the last chapters even more)

imo if chuuya keeps appearing he'll just get boring🤷‍♀️ because most of his storyline is over

Dazai on the other hand always entertaining and deep and there’s a reason he’s involved in everything and never forget everything he did for chuuya stormbringer would be nothing without Dazai helping chuuya from the shadows and chuuya knows it but i guess people will still makes him the bad person in skk when he’s the one trying to change and be better person

also Dazai is someone who’s storyline is still on going as well as we know almost nothing about his past or what actually goes on in his brain i can say three things about his backstory and that’s it.

sorry for rumbling i can’t take that level of stupidity

pls don’t block me im not evil…..

holy shit we got cross-ask beef. this is insane

i'm gonna lowercase Both their names because i think this is the reasonable next step. LOL. & i'll also ramble a bit to match ur freak!

i will strive to clarify that me agreeing that dz=worst chuuya deserves better was, as i specified, "on a generalized scale" — on a very, very, VERY surface level this is a jokey way i've seen a lot of skkers talk about their relationship. more of an inside joke atp ig? idk. srry if that wasnt clear

but i do think it's valid to dislike a ship because you don't like one half of it. i totally get how dz's character can piss ppl off, esp if ure missing lns and mangas (which rimu wasn't, but they watched the anime first so the precedent was set). i found the first part of their thesis to be pretty funny actually, just (again) taking it at face-value.

it's also understandable that they try and dissect dz then miss the mark by a mile LOL. but again, can't be blamed if you hate the guy and thus don't read into him too much, which i think is a reasonable way to consume media... probably more reasonable than me. hence why i didn't respond with my own thesis paper. overall idk man it's not that deep, i've been having fun with rimu and i'd advise y'all to also be silly w/ ur Budgeted RPF Dead Author Yaoi, it'll make things a lot better

abt what you've said, i think dz and chuuya can't exist as true characters w/o each other, unless you fundamentally change their truth. a lot of their good & bad (& inbetween) sides are exposed through their relationship, which i believe is asgr's very interesting way of employing "show-don't-tell." i don't think chuuya's storyline is over, because dazai's isn't, and vice versa. this doesn't mean i don't think they have their own arcs, just that these arcs Must involve the other — if dz's main conflict is good/bad + the mafia, chuuya is his biggest amiable tie to it, and if chuuya's conflict is his self + power, dz must be there for corruption. there's more to say there, but again i don't want to feed rimu's claims of us all being dormant essayists LOL

we got dz glazer and rimu, D1 dz hater. and cheese anon.

[credulouscanidae]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

[elena-oc-blog]

Hey remember when I drew the hydra brothers back in august and mentioned in the description that i would have their parents out soon too? Yeah sorry, they got stuck in art limbo as i was distracted with other things but now I have the hydra dads for you to see! I actually finished this like 2 days ago and I was going to wait with posting them until i finished the hydra mom piece too but I'm going through another *im tired all the time* period so thats not happening any time soon so here is hydra dad by himself or themselves i should say. I only drew their heads because I have mercy for myself and am not subjecting myself on drawing an anthro hydra with 5 heads. I do have bust sketches of them in my sketchbook but I still need to figure out how to fit their 5 necks and heads on one body properly so maybe thats a thing for the far future Anyway lore on these guys uh, Im a lil tired so let me just copy paste some miscelaneous lore I posted in my discord server and ill try to elaborate when i feel less shitty. I'll put it under a readmore so this post wont clog up your feed.

The Lièrna family gang is made up of Greek monsters: centaurs, satyrs, chimeras, minotaurs, griffins, some undercover hellhounds, etc.

Don't have a proper ref for this gang yet as I still need to fill their ranks

They originally lived in and operated from Athens in Greece but had to leave almost everything behind when the police started to catch on to them. They fled to the carribean island of Isla Dracon and settled in Auron City, soon recovering their wealth and businesses and becoming one the top dog gangs there and close to being in control of the city. That is until Thorn showed up a few years after..

The Lièrna family front is a luxury car business (building, selling, repairing) while their criminal business is car towing with a lot of extortion of the poorer part of the city's population where they basically steal cars and any personal belongings left in them from the poor population because they can't pay the fees. They then proceed to either resell these cars in one of their used car dealerships or destroy the cars to use for parts and scrap metal. They also loan out money under preditory rates and own some real estate that they rent out for high prices with bad service. So really their whole business is exploiting people, especially those less fortunate. They revel in this, thinking the poor deserve it for not working hard enough.

As for their relationship with Thorn, they hate Thorn but they act like good friends of his whenever they meet with him or are talking about him with people they don't know/people who like him. They don't want to stir trouble until they have a solid plan on how to overthrown him. Thorn as of now has no idea the hydras hate his guts and are plotting against him in secret together with Morrison and whatever other allies they gain.

Im not sure how old they are. I need to figure out my timeline better for that first. And maybe change how dragons age compared to other species idk But I would say they are between their late 40s and mid 50s

Also pecking order of the brothers from top to bottom is: Don, Alekos, Roland and Boris and at the very bottom is Kashew. Kashew is mute and also rather friendly which makes his brothers and especially Don regard him as a useless nobody. Kashew gets a lot of verbal abuse and sometimes also physical abuse from his brothers :( The only reason they don't physically abuse him as much as they mentally abuse him is because having a beaten up head would be bad for their business and image with the civilians of the city. They also cant get rid of him as that would comprimise their health and ability to fuse back together. Hydras can split up into individual smaller and less powerful dragons but unless all individuals are present, they can't fuse back together. And eventhough hydras in their fused natural state can regenerate their heads effortlessly and have an increased durability for injuries, in their seperate state they will die if decapitated and are also much more defenseless in general. While a fused hydra could take a vicious stabbing/beating and live, a split hydra individual is much more fragile and will easily bleed out and if they die, their siblings are doomed as well. Thus hydras tend to only split up when in the comfort of their home or when they take on a human disguise. It can also occur when there is an extreme disagreement between siblings and one or multiple forcibly split off through sheer willpower, causing them to fall apart into seperate entities. This is not preferable though. Anyway i think thats all the lore i have at the moment, i hope you enjoy the boys. Feel free to ask questions about them

[jadeofblades]

The ask thing, the main three y'know u.u Shuichi, Gonta, Kaito

Shuichi's been answered, so Gonta and Kaito time!!

Gonta

favorite thing about them

A LOT!!! But I love how he's like,, the kinda character that despite going through So Much he still tries to be kind and caring to everyone regardless. least favorite thing about them

Idk honestly,,, actually i do. my boy, my love, you need to Stop self deprecating yourself!!! You are smart!!! even if you don’t talk like the others or trust others easily you are not stupid stop saying that!!!!!! favorite line

"Gonta will face you all! Times like this are why Gonta became strong! Gentlemen never back down, and neither will Gonta!" YAS!!!!!!! brOTP

Gonta with either Ryoma, Himiko, or Miu. They all makke for such interesting dynamics i wish ppl worked with more,, OTP

Saigokus!!!!!! nOTP

Ougoku,, just, ugh ingame no hell no. Non-despair,, eh? Not bad but idk I feel like they vibe better platonically than romantically random headcanon

has a bee plush named Buzzy, she is worn and stinky but he loves her dearly unpopular opinion

I hateeee when ppl ship gonta with other characters for the sake of him being the designated fixer partner to make the other person feel better always, stop that!!!! I see this with goshi, gontaguji and ougoku most but rly any ship,, there's nothing wrong with him cheering them up but like he is so much More than that..

Also stop ignoring the fact he has his own mental stuff as well. You seen this man? Probably just as ill as the other characters mentioned tbFh. song i associate with them

ROLLING GIRL BY WOWAKA!!!!!!!!!! favorite picture of them

:D

Kaito

favorite thing about them

His color palette is sooooo nice ough i love purples sm sm, he's a silly guy and i love his personality least favorite thing about them

boy if you dont learn that you dont have to constantly put up a strong front 24/7 so help me god.... i get it but MAN. he's stubborn which is endearing but grrr,, favorite line

"I see... In that case, I'll believe in you and won't say anything else. But if you have any problems, let me know. I'll help you. I'm here for you, bro." aughughughguhgughug brOTP

Hmmm honestly he could vibe with a good chunk of ppl, maybe miu? OTP

GokumotaaaaAAAAAAA----- nOTP

Hrm,,,, kaimaki. Nothing against it but also im sorry, they give me the vibes of that one couple that dates for a week or two only to find out they're both gay as hell. random headcanon

has a bunch of goofy patterned socks unpopular opinion

Why are yall so into kaito being abusive and shit,,,,, I see this with oumota fics and such the most but still, just. Stop? Get help? song i associate with them

Tek it by cafuné,,,, idk the vibes just suit him in a way favorite picture of them

i need to write abt his grandparents sometime,,,,

[only-lonely-lovers]

08.27.2022

notes: rambling about Tanabata vibes... kissy!

Bird is あ / Avvy is つ

あ：I'll just deposit me crumb that I remembered

It's like ah… idk why but it was really suddenly processing that when Nene leaves Amane, the fireworks are just starting to go off, and then we have that illustration of Amane with Tsukasa looking at the fireworks… and Tsukasa has like a lil cotton candy… It's so cute like, as if after Amane had his encounter with Nene he immediately collected Tsukasa and they went back to walking around together, and Amane is all genki and souped up from forehead kiss

I wanted it to be that between Nene and Amane in general being the guiding, excitable force for their time at the festival… that, like, while having a lull, while Tsukasa is looking off kinda distantly and seems listless, that Amane is like ahm…. ambiently horny… thinkos about kiss… and wanting to really like do a gesture to Tsukasa that gets his attention. As if all night he's been trying to be as cheeky and fun as possible but it can't really be as infectious as he wants, so he's lean in… kism. its really like a peck. but I wanted Tsukasa to be so like "wah….?" at it and Amane is all [big grin hehe.] it's… ~ a tanabata kiss~! [as if that's something…]

Tsukasa getting like glassy eyed…

つ：feed the energy back into this. I imagine Amane is as lalala as possible… the fireworks might be what finally 'snaps' tsukasa out of the katanuki hynotism, his brain finally like AH-- FIREWORKS-- WITH AMANE--! WAIT.. my DESIRES

あ：I was thinking a lot about how yugi8 rly feels like a chain of injecting each other with poison. it's kind of delightful. i mean in the first place, Nene develops her habit of… [kiss] + [some sort of 'explanation'… like its a seal of protection,a good luck charm…] bc of.. Hanako…??? But what if young Amane got it from Nene.

つ：i think about this a lot, yeah. that Amane subconsciously repeats what he remembers Nene doing, but then she does it bc of him….

あ：We are so in the chain

つ：I think its where Tsukasa copying/imitating Amane overall is also interesting. you taught tsukasa through example how to be a minxy little thing but his spin on it naturally makes it, different

あ：Serving his own flavor… uncontrollably

つ：its sad to me if Tsukasa was looking so forward to Tanabata with Amane but he has. mental illness so he's trapped in Katanuki for 3 hours

あ：ITS SAD…

つ：but I think due to Nene softening things once they come back together he's just perfectly perky, yes… genki boy.. very holds both your hands and swings them around

あ：ahh the thought of Tsukasa all like alarmed like NO THE FIREOWRKS DX but Amane manifests and is all smiley smiley… and like ah come on!! are you hungry? :3c …. i ate without you :P

つ：lets get to the center theyll look best there…! oh yeah and lets get you a snack how bout…?

brainless little tsukasa is like how long … it been… i saw some JP fan darwing tsukasa like excitedly showing amane a dinosaur shaped katanuki and amane just sortof putting it into a bag with a bunch of others like💔 its not special to him LOL

あ：No one could understand but perhaps Tsukasa has emotions like, a girl who is doing poorly on a date

つ：tsukasa looking like LOOK i did it klg;gjf it made me go omggg no. but like amane would be like ah sigh his shapes [like your kid handing you a crayon drawing] MAYBE SO

あ：getting quiet while lead around because kinda feel stupid. about the katanuki but it already happened but i missed out on Amane eating food [depressed eating this cotton candy]

つ：amane is so gracious about it…. quiet tsukasa like im… im behave nao… mentally im.. good… must experience the Tanabata with Amane…

あ：i'll be so good. when you give me the sparkler

つ：must absorb experience

あ：but like Amane seeing this all is like …….💭 thats too dreary for a festival…

つ：YOU'RE REALLY GLAD THEY GET TO DANCE AROUND EACH OTHR WAVING SPARKLERS AROUND….!!! aaooo streaks of color in the air… I'm sure only Amane exists, to Tsukasa.

あ：this expression….

つ：I UNDERSTAND WHAT AIDA IS GOING THROUGH NEEDNIG TO DRAW THIS STUFF HAPPENING BC IT CAN'T HAPPEN IN STORY

あ：one mo gain just to let you know it DID happen

つ：BUT SHE NEESD YOU TO KNOW THE BOYS WERE HAVING TANABATA BEFORE AND ASLO AFTER!!!! nene just injected a fun energy into amane a real lalalalala so he has no frustration at tsukasa for gettin distracted

its just like lol met a hot girl whoa…. HI TSUKASAAA

あ：[swaggers in]

つ：catches a goldfish later feeling so chad

あ：no big deal It's whatever you know Feeling like hot shit

つ：whys tsukasa out here feeling like fail girl on date and amane feels like hot shit on date wtf….

あ：😭for no reason

つ：FOR NO GOOD REASON…

あ：All you did was neg a girl and eat most of the food She had to wipe the crumbs off your face

つ：god. amane why do you have swagger

あ：I'll treat you reeeall nice

つ：will you now can we see it

あ：might as well burp in her face

つ：god the boy experience

あ：its like by contrast Tsukasa is like. does this yukata look silly on me Amane's all handsome in his dark one sigh

つ：its like he's gotten the sash all askew in the night and amane has to fix it

あ：Your girl is looking out the window moodily. spiritually

つ：she is fsr…. sigh…. really looking off into the night….

あ：but I swear this sort of thing, while Amane is sooo like. smug confidence. is like. it mightj as well be bait in terms of how much he's like oh. I'll cheer you up

つ：I like to think it was simply what amane felt he was good at, once tsukasa came back…. mm time to but really rub you and pet you and say there there all the time and throw you my killer smile and play a little game

あ：entering niichan mode What can be said.. you need me❤️

つ：amane like ahhh I got all sweaty talking to that onee-san… [fuffs around with yukata] [tsukasa inhaling deeply] godi cant wait to get in the futon

あ：A treat for me [fingers crossed the smell stays all ngiht]

つ：incredible smells. i hope we're too tired to bother showering. i hope we collapse into the futon i hope we shirk off the sashes and then just become a heap. and he smels like summer… m

oh for a little rain on the walk home…. a little wet hair, a little refreshment that makes it feel even less necessary to bother with cleaning up or proper regimen… mmmm…. takoyaki breath….. a little drizzle… a nice thing to see after a festival….

あ：Tsukasa does have wishes…. he just doesnt know how to say

つ：tsukasa has this… situation of being… a spectator… to Amane. he just feels patient and observant once coming back. a capacity to really drink in every second. I think he really felt ultimately satisfied…. the festivals were everything he could have ever possibly wanted

あ：genuinely just wishing to be together. to just be there

つ：i'd just like tosmell him. he can just softly burp in bed next to me and i will stay awake a little while extra listening to rain and Amane sounds

[madxzxz]

ITS SO COLD ITS SO CHILLY the only reason I left my bed was because I had to use the restroom and so when I was finished I instantly got in the shower well not instantly something I never do is run the shower to let it get hot before getting in which i magic maybe but I just turn it on and scurry to the back on my tippy toes so I don't get hit but I couldn't take the risk today because if my body temperature dropped any lower I would have started taking damage now I'm all warm wrapped up by all the drops of water mmm and I'm brushing my teeth and now I'll be able to brave the day conquer it even I have Russian starting in 5 hours and idk if I'll be able to do anything but wait for it to start but that will be enough also something I commonly don't do it wash my legs well only the calves and shins if I am feeling lazy I stop at the knees and skip straight to my feet but I wash my feet separately from my body in part because I might be self conscious about them I have very clammy hands and feet and I cannot wear socks in doors I can but it's not as comfy and my feet are really sensitive to temperature and it will never be a winning situation because I have poor circulation to them so they are naturally cold and on the verge of necrosis so times like these when it's cold is just horrible but as soon as I put socks on they are getting cooked and theyre like help I can't breath its too hot and we're drowning in sweat so sad so sad but i think id always pick uncomfortable cold over uncomfortable heat because uncomfortable heat quickly makes me irritable but also there was this one wuestion abiut being stuck in a hot sandy desert or a cold arctic desert and I forget what I choose and my reasoning id have to get thw question again and fully interface eith it also when i brushed my teeth it gave me a flash of wasabi peas in my mind and I got a craving and the whole time the mintiness was stinging my tongue thats all i could think about but why do they sell wasabi peas in such big quantities how do you eat that many I mean I can the last time I ate wasabi peas I ate like half the bag but my taste buds were singed and I couldn't taste anything for days so like who's eating that much wasabi peas which makes me think of mental images again and like I can't create them but they definitely pop up in my head a lot not of my own creation and if I can its pretty situational like the exercise to close your eyes and picture an apple its really hard for me in that context but if I'm thinking of an apple ive seen in recent memory it gets more vivid but it needs a lot of context to ground it it cant be just the apple it needs to be the fruit bowl and all the other fruit surrounding or the produce isle or a cartoon depiction in a classroom/school kinda setting but then like with the wasabi peas thing Ill just have shit pop inti my head and its like hey remember this isnt it similar to whats happening now and im like yeah actually ive never thought about it like thst thats pretty cool thanks brain there was this one time it's either the smell or taste of ladybugs but I told my dad that the taste of metal is the same as the smell of ladybugs I think that was it and he was like what does that even mean that doesn't make sense why do you have those experiences even and I was like ok I guess I just won't talk to you then lol but then there's also bad images like if something sharp gets near my face I have a chance of getting images of eyes being gouged and it's not that fun and if I go on escalators i have the chance of seeing like final destination type stuff and I have to jump off at the end to get over the metal platform at the bottom or top and back onto the normal flooring

[farfartothewestofeverywhere]

I'm so overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed with the truth that i can't have any chance at healing while i live with my abuser

I'm overwhelmed thinking about if things went poorly in this country would having the government have me on a list of disabled people be something dangerous?

I'm overwhelmed thinking of the hundreds of dollars in care i spend and make, if I'm lucky, a fraction of that back in a week.

I'm overwhelmed that i felt so much better being away with good people for a weekend and then the minute i encountered a person at home my entire peace was shattered.

I'm overwhelmed that in adding back in more appointments to help with my pain my weekly workload is actually increasing my pain

I'm overwhelmed with so much that i can't even put it into words. and im dreading being around anyone. and i've been periodically at the verge of tears since getting home last night.

I'm so overwhelmed. and in so much pain mentally and physically i don't even know how to process it. i just want to cry.

genuinely – this weekend– my pain didn't go away. nothing of the sort. but it wasn't overwhelming. i was with friends. i was playing with a baby. a source of PURE joy. it was so good. so healing. so wonderful. and then i come home and everything is unimaginably worse than before i left.

you're at this level of feeling maxed out CONSTANTLY. i always feel at my limit, that i couldn't take any more. and then...there's more.

I'm overwhelmed seeing a picture of myself makes me want to starve myself again. any joy i felt now destroyed. any progress or positive feelings about myself absolutely destroyed. although even seeing a mirror at the wrong angle can do that. i think – hm maybe it's not so bad maybe I'm doing better! then i see myself and I'm worse than i realized.

i wonder how many other people with eating disorders end up having chronic illness that make exercise extremely difficult. even if i eat well i have no chance at staying in shape. and. that's if i completely restrict myself from enjoying "less healthy" foods. god help me because i want to eat anything other than what i absolutely need for survival. but then you feel guilt. and all i want to do is starve. or die. or both.

every time my mother buys a "treat" I'm convinced it's a form of sick control, that if i eat it I'll stay fat, never lose weight, and thus never have any freedom.

i have self-imposed restrictions that i don't do a large majority of the things i would "normally" do if i was skinny. the amount of effort and grief it takes for me to do the few activities and see the select numbers of friends i do see is completely overwhelming. but i know how much more pain it would be if i tried to live "freely." i already feel it when i see photos after good days. there are no good days for me. i try. but every good is overtaken by the bad. whether it's shame and self-hatred, or my body being overtired or pain flaring. i can't win. i'm constantly having to decide which type of pain can i handle? is the pain of staying at home more or less than the pain of going out? and i'm never really sure. and i know for a fact i'm currently overcommitted. it's too much.

but what do i do? stop my 1-2 day a week job? stop my acupuncture? stop my massages? (i JUST started them again, but the guilt of the cost might be too much for me to handle). stop my mandolin lessons? (that's the bright spot of my week. but the time to practice between lessons is extremely difficult.) stop seeing my friends? stop going for walks? shower less? do fewer chores? (our house has been turning into a pig sty without me cleaning).

and sure someone else usually does the dishes – which is a huge relief especially since it not only causes pain later, it causes excruciating pain while I'm doing it. and dad takes care of the lawn. but i mention to him that the way the garage door has been malfunctioning is frustrating and can we please fix it and he goes full asshole. how dare i ask him to fix another thing?? idk! we're using the garage door every day now since we can't park on the street overnight in the winter. it doesn't work well. but JUST because it still opens and closes he straight out refused to fix it. then said "why don't you fix it!" figuring out mechanical things is his specialty. but maybe he's scared of trying to fix it and making it worse. then needing to hire someone or buy a new unit. i can't wait for the day i need to get somewhere and the garage door won't open. i don't think i'm strong enough to open it manually also i don't actually know how.

idk. i'm so overwhelmed and everything seems insurmountable. i have no idea what to do. how to heal. how to find any peace.

and this doesn't even add the anguish of things happening in the world. that in and of it itself is overwhelming. i have no less than six separate "things" or "categories" of things that alone are overwhelming. yet I'm experiencing them all. how do i get any relief? especially when relief adds to my distress.

[caestoexist]

ok i'm done with the movie and i have some Thoughts.

this is what i wrote down in real time in my notes app while watching this movie:

im using my airpods as earplugs bc the movie theater is too loud and i didn't plan ahead

so far it just feels like an ad

ok what the fuck is going on

everyone just saying "hi barbie!" over and over again with increasing speed

this movie is weird

there's not enough scissoring or decapitation in this movie

that's how i always played with barbie's

barbie just said "you guys ever think about dying" and everyone stopped dancing and looked at her this is how i feel when i hav e to go to the mall

that's how being at the mall feels

weird barbie is awesome she's like a lesbian

"i don't have a vagina. and he doesn't have a penis! we don't have genitals"

"....that's alright" "yeah that's cool"

ken and horses

ken looking at all the man stuff and slowly getting more and more confident and excited feels trans but i can't place why

barbie looking around the world in awe and beauty and then telling the woman she's beautiful was actually a really nice scene

ADAM GROFF ADAM GROFF ADAM GROFF

i like the absurdity of this movie sometimes, how everything is just weird.

i also like irrepressible thoughts of death barbie

"and when you think of sparkle, what do you think of after that? female agency"

"how much do you weigh? doesn't matter"

ken and patriarchy and horses

"you guys are clearly not doing patriarchy very well"

"I CANT EVEN BEACH HERE"

the middle schooler calling her facist

"this large phallic building"

"some of my best friends are jewish!"

"don't you dare push that button let me push it"

my favorite comedic character in this movie is will farrel

"i am WIDE awake sasha!" *drives directly into like 15 traffic cones*

"a podcast hosted by two wise trees or a choir consisting of thousands of fathers"

"horses are just men extenders"

"ken's mojo dojo casa house"

it still all feels like a giant ad

i am strangely attracted to ken, he's very himbo and i wanna smash his head into a brick wall or maybe be him (he's boy)

wtf did barbie even do to ken, ken is being such a man baby and i refuse to believe that this movie is even surface level feminist

depression barbie is kinda funny but it being all produced by mattel makes it so that none of this hits right. like it's supposed to be some sort of comedically dark commentary on society. but something about it just feels like. stop commodifying our mental illness. this is your fucking fault. you are the problem. stop trying to appeal to our emotions about the dystopian hellscape that the world today is to get us to buy fucking barbie's.

"by giving voice to the cognitive dissonance of being a woman under the patriarchy you take away its power" THIS IS NOT A REAL SOLUTION THIS MOVIE OFFERS NOTHING

am i the only person watching this movie being like... this is made by mattell i cant seperate the art from the artist becauae this is a CORPARATION and they have ulterior motives, to make themselves look good, and to get us to buy barbie's. i cannot take any of the things they say seriously. it's all so surfacelevel... idk it comes across as just like. without substance, at least to me. maybe i don't get it cuz im not a woman.

"i'll play the guitar at you"

this movie makes me wanna be a boy so bad. something about the experience of watching this movie makes me feel very validated in my trans identity.

why is there so much boybandery happening

this shit is so gay

interpretive ken dance for the horse patriarchy

ken being so mad that barbie isn't into boys

"put that manly hand in mine" THIS MOVIE IS SO GAY

this movie is so "wow we did feminism yippee, pats on the back for everyone, we're so feminist look at us and our woman autonomy"

ken is cute when he cries

"tbh when i found out the patriarchy wasn't about horses i lost interest anyways" literal slay

barbie apologizing for literally just not wanting to date ken what is the point of this movie again

ken is so stupid and himbo and cute GAH WHY DO I LOVE THIS CHARACTER HES JUST SOME GUY

"mr mattell-"

"please, call me mother"

"no thank you"

nothing changes by the end of this movie the ceo is still a man and the only thing that changes is woah they have a new barbie who's ordinary or whatever

double mastectomy barbie

this movie feels like it's trying to convince me that it understands the fundamental experience of being a human which kinda makes it seem disingenuous because again it's made by mattell

does barbie get a vagina at the end of this movie

i said this already but this movie feels trans and i think maybe it has something to do with the way they portray gender roles and how the dolls actually don't have genitals, it feels almost like.. validating in the sense that ken is a man and has an identity in being a man that is very distinct despite having no actual sex. idk. i liked that part.

i talked to a random woman in the lobby after the movie and she said something about how the writer and director was a woman (which i knew) but thinking about the people who actually put the work into this movie makes me feel a little bit better about it. at least these are the real thoughts of real women. it still sucks that this whole thing was like... a giant ad, but hey. what else would it even be? it's a movie based on a toy. of course it's an ad.

final rating: it wasn't my favorite and me being very aware that it was all sorta just one big ad made it a little hard to watch, but also the characters were cool and the way the movie was shot, the writing, the casting, and the strange uncanny valley effect that was created by the way people in barbieland behave was well done. there were some scenes that i really liked and some that i sorta just rolled my eyes at. at the same time i understand how some ppl really like this movie i just don't really think it's my thing. i did like how pink it was tho. 6/10

about to see the barbie movie with three middle school boys. will update.

[peanut-butter-parkerxx]

non-navigational maps

y/n's new to the giant busy crowds of new york so she wanted to ask someone for help

pairing: peter x fem!reader

status: strangerz

Warning: shy reader (idk if this is a warning but just in case)

y/n's POV

new york sure is loud, like really really loud. but thankfully i found a park or something so i can relax a bit and really look at my map. i couldnt understand a thing. seriously how do people use a thousand subways just to get to one place?

after a few minutes i gave up and tried to ask someone for help which isn't very fun for me considering i barely talk to strangers...too shy for all of that but my familly will murder me if i wasnt home by 6 and most importantly im STARVING. hmm lets see, a mom and her toddler? nah shes probably busy as it is trying to stop her little boys tantrum, the old man in the bench infront of me? yeah why not- nope his ice cream just spilled on his shirt poor thing. i wanted to help him out but someone already did, a boy i think wait no he looks older maybe my age?  i dont know, i can only see his back, his hair looked cute though soft, brown, light, did I mention soft?- ok y/n stop it.

"Damn it!" The old man cursed "should've gon for the vanilla" he shook his head, I laughed his comment, he 'should've' gotten vanilla coz his t-shirt was white and it wouldn't stain that much *laughing* ugh so wholesome

I heard another voice, a much younger voice. I looked up from my god damn map to meet the back of the boy who's helping the guy out, laughing at what he said. His laugh is cute too

"But chocolate tastes better sir, I think you made a great choice" he wiped the excess now I know chocolate ice cream off the old mans shirt

"I always make the right choices kid, the names Stan" the once grumbled old man, smiled just from an act of kindness by a boy my age, he held his hand for him to shake

"Peter, Peter Parker sir" he shook his hand and smiled he said something to Stan which made him laugh. I giggled from their interaction just happy from what I've witnessed. for some reason I find guys my age helping others attractive it really shows me how good of a person this guy is, it makes me feel like not all boys my age are bad, I don't know hopefully I'll see him soon

*A/N: YES IM PUTTING A STAN LEE CAMEO IN HERE, if you didn't ask...The old guy I'm talking abt is Stan lee ;)*

After looking at my map a billion more times to try and not talk to people I gave up again and kept looking around, since there wasn't anyone else in this side of the park I decided to walk, if I'm staying for a while might as well get some exercise am I right?

I walked for a few minutes until I found a group of benches again so I looked for someone unoccupied, not sketchy, and hopefully is in a good mood, till i found a beautiful woman probably in her 40s or something ( but she looked amazing though)

she seemed nice as well, she just had that vibe to her so i decided to ask her, yayy can you feel the sarcasm?? I'm TERRIFIED

she was sitting on the bench, lifting her glasses every once in a while to read the book she had in her hand. i slowly walked up to her, nervous. what should i tell her? that im new to the area and if i couldnt find a Mcdonalds soon ill turn into the next hulk? the nerves seemend to fade away once we we locked eyes, she had brown welcoming eyes, a smile ill probably never forget plastered on her face.

"hello sweetie, what can i do for you?" her voice was like honey sweet, and calming as well.

"oh uhm sorry to bother you but i- i am kinda lost and i-i cant find a burger place kind near the are-" i was a stuttering mess! But thankfully i got interrupted from humiliating myself...by the- who is this guy? Oh wait! That's the guy that helped the old man! Peter? Yeah Peter, Peter Parker

"sorry i took a while aunt may, theres this old guy named stan, he spilled his ice cream all over his shirt so i decided to help him and i bought him a new one! should we go..." the boy trailed off, he looked cute not gonna lie, he had the same features as the woman infront of me, brown eyes, soft brown hair, and a kind spirit definitely. "s-sorry was i interrupting something?" he rubbed the back of his neck embarrassed

"no its okay peter, this lovely lady right here is just lost would you be a doll and help her? im bad at maps as it is" she laughed pointing at me. the second he looked at me blood rushed to my cheeks, he really was cute. i gave him a small wave and a barely audible 'hi' but luckily he picked it up and replied with a 'hey'

"i-im"

"Peter, yeah I know. Kinda heard saw helping the guy out. That's really sweet of you...what you did" I blushed "a-a-anyways I'm y/n" I wiped my clammy hands on my jeans to take the sweat off quickly before he shook them.

"Uh nice to meet you too?" he fiddled with his hands his smile growing bigger with every second he looked at me "y-you needed help?" He asked blushing and also eyeing may like he's frustrated from her or something, I laughed at his face and opened the map in my hands

"Uhm, well i-I'm supposed to go to the 21st street 3rd Avenue or somethig by 6 coz my parents will kill me if I was late since were new here, but I think there's enough time to go find some burger place or something since I'm starving and there should be a Macdonalds around the corner right? Oh my god I'm so sorry I'm rambling...I do that a lot when I'm frustrated.....and hungry haha" I nervously laughed mentally kicking myself for being such an idiot to a boy I potentially liked

"Oh no no, I don't mind. So uh you live in queens?" He started off smiling a bit, I was scared for a second since i didn't tell him about that part how would he know that?

"Oh uhm, I'm from queens and the 21st street 3rd Avenue is in queens" he probably got nervous since he saw my slightly frightened face, but it softened once I knew that he wasn't a creepy stalker or some shit

"Y-yeah yeah queens, sorry" why the the fuck am I apologizing?

"No it's fine, you don't need to worry. You probably couldn't find the 21st because you held the map upside down?" he chuckled flipping the map and I just died in embarrassment like can the floor eat me or something?

"I'm such an idiot oh my god" I face palmed and laughed a little the world has something against me I am sure of it

"No you're not, you're new to the busy subways and noisy streets it's fine" he assured me and continued on chuckling, can this day get any worse? "well ironically there isn't a burger place near this area" well great "but t-theres this deli sandwich shop that I always g-go to, uhm I don't know if you'd like that but it's uh really good" he squeaked red swarming to his cheeks and the tip of his ears

"He can show you, if you want? Since you're new and everything he'll be happy to help" the woman buts in smirking, turns out she's been listening to our conversation than reading her book. She sent Peter a wink and packed her stuff

"But what about the library may, you said you wante-"

"It's ok Peter, just come home before 7 and be safe!" She patted his shoulder and gave me a smile. It all happened so fast but I smiled back. Guess I'm gonna go eat with a handsome stranger?

"Well uhm sorry about my aunt" he cleared his throat "wanna g-go grab a sandwich? It's like 10 minutes away and uh we have like" he checked his watch " 3 hours before it turns 6 so plenty of time..." he trailed off, I could either decline and not explore with a cute boy and get lost again? Or risk it and potentially get kidnapped....yeah the answer is pretty obvious

"..uhm yeah sure, let's go" I ushered him taking the map and stuffing it in my bag "well, after you"

I'm thinking of doing a part 2 idk 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening/night!

-quacksonlover

[stairsandgore]

i feel weird venting or blogging or ruminating here cause it feels like judgemental bitches are watching me. maybe i should start a seperate blog with 0 followers. i think my feelings are important cause if i don't talk about them then ther're still there under the surface as i go about my day. maybe tumblr isnt the platform for this. when i see a text-only blog i don't follow cause that's boring. unless they're talking about something super interesting like philosophy. just nothing seems right. my toe is still wounded. im cooking corn flour and... idk. when i was on twitter and had a big account like 1700 followers id try to talk to chicks and they still ghosted me. fuck them. i finally found a chick who was even more autistic than me. stonetoss had retweeted me a few times but never talked to me. like, are you trying to save the world or do you want to have a conversation. i think a conversation is more important.

the future seems so bleak. i feel like i'm dealing with a bunch of automatons. yeah this place is gay. im probably going to go back to twitter for journaling as soon as the dust clears from my previous suspensions. I also have a journal on my computer but i like to journal online because i know at least 1 person will read it even if i have 0 followers. that interaction makes my brain think about problems in a different way. it's like how you can solve problems better if you're talking to a friend. but it's weird if the people are connected to me or know me from somewhere else. I don't want them to know what i'm thinking.

I guess i'll put all my thoughts for the day in 1 post from mnow on so its less intrusive.

its crazy that even on the far right , the most far right that exists, people's level of radicalism is lacking. or they're totally radical but also mentally ill or stupid. i need to discuss politics at the deeper level with people. but they're either like out of their fucking minds or scared to talk about or think about the truth. The truth is important to me. It's a basis for everything else. Of course god and intuition is also important. the two are related. If i can't build a foundation of truth with a group of others i'm stuck in hell. i'm just spinning through the black cosmos because i don't have any power and my enemies can kill me if they want.

[maridied]

HELLO NIKIIII i wanted to ask u abt ur thoughts abt tsukasa!!!! hes probably my fav knights member tied to leo... i like him lots and i would love to hear what u think of him. he makes me a little crazy

LENA HII i have had kasa rotating in my mind for the past like 2 weeks this is perfect sorry if this is all over the place >__< also im putting a read more thingy so it looks like a wrote a lot and im an intellectual but rlly this all basic info and its like dumbed down i think... i can only do so much</3 

i actually used to not like tsukasa at first like that was the case for izumi and leo as well but with kasa i just ??? didn't care abt him and i was mad that he 'replaced' leo as leader which is so stupid like 2019 niki didnt know wtf she was talking abt BUT ANYWAYS. after i read requiem i realized hes not a bad kid and knights is something very important to him even before he was leader. that scene where he recalls seeing knights practice for the first time and mentions how even though they looked like they were in pieces that made them seem more dear to him and when he says "there was a part of me that wouldnt be satisfied with just being obedient forever, praised every day as if were the most natural thing in the world. it was an ugly and miserable part of me, buried deep within my heart, i wanted to save it. that's probably why i started to move toward them almost instinctively" makes me so ill because everyone always says that tsukasa saved knights after what happened with the war which is true like hes literally their miracle and brought them back together but no one ever talks about how knights saved tsukasa even tho he literally says that their singing resonated with him. also this scene makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

he's a good kid it bothers me when people say that he should have never taken the crown like did you completely miss the part where naru calls him the driving force of knights? i think he has big shoes to fill but he's doing a good job i'm excited for his center song i hope we get to learn more abt him and his family life and what knights is to him. also i still think promise swords is abt him not sure if its already canon but if not then well it is to me i was supposed to finish picking apart the lyrics and explaining them/putting quotes that reminded me of the lyrics but i forgot well maybe some other day i'll finish that . also also i love when in robin hood he calls leo a traitor bcuz he thinks that leo and anzu have a kid together and in requiem where leo says 'well yeah i was always prepping you to be my successor ;P' and kasa's like 'i thought it was a metaphor and you were preparing me mentally' or something like that idk i havent read requiem in forever. hes rlly funny without trying i love talking abt him like how a mexican mother talks abt her kids. and dont get me started on the fact that he and leo are one and the same its so obvious that theyre sort of parallels of each other but thats a post for another day though its made a little obvious in the screenshot i shared. also this is stuff i have already said before srry :P

[pokefanbri]

You and me, we had it..we so did u know...at some point or in some ways anyway. What happened to them, ill never know. But I miss those guys man 😂...they were great together even if the mentality wasn't the best on either end & he lost interest less than 2 months in living together 😒. But they was chill af 😊, despite any darkness. Girl learned many things..fucking bought a car for the 1st time. I had home on the other side of the damn continent lmao..i never dreamed id live outside Tucson again. Drove a lawn mower for the 1st time...holding onto him at the back of one 😔 the sunglasses was a tragedy lol. We played video games together, watched the birds at the feeder & drank coffee in the morning sitting there looking at the wildlife & chatting 😌 I'll really miss someone being there to help me with back pimples, massages & backscratches that I can't reach lol. If all that & more we did together ain't cute couple shit idk what is lol, thats the shit id live for any fucking time.

I wouldn't give any of it back, cause those among many great times shared...are the memories I hold dear to my heart & always cherish. Many 1st times thx to this wonderful guy i had the pleasure of knowing in my life. He may not appreciate what we had, but i sure as hell fucking do. It all meant something to me, & yes he meant so much to me I won't deny it.

But ive accepted this shitty year for what it is, & it did make me wanna shake my hands in the sky & tell God himself its not fair & I didn't deserve this 😔 But I'd see this dude again one day & maybe thats a chance for the genuine goodbye i missed before. He's still an asshole & knows it..i looked up to him but know better than to be so naive & hurt again by anyone 😏

But...im staying positive, ive forgiven alot & letting go..dwelling on it too much til it fades but it hurts & i cant have that. Taking care of myself is important, im moving past the bad, remembering the good, & moving forward the best i can. Missing him resonates in the back if my mind but im doing okay. Im definitely feeling better, dont feel as bad anymore..a huge relief almost. I was hurt & betrayed pretty bad in this relationship than any other 😔 the typical lies about me to cover his own ass afterward are still like stabs to the heart, so ofcourse its hard..probably talks bad about me for no reason still when I damn well know better, but I have no control over that. Never been through a heartbreak this bad before I tell ya 😅 was so damn difficult & still hurts but not as much.

But thats that, 🤷‍♀️ Onto something new, I want someone that mutually handles my heart with just as much care & effort, I wanna have a blast with someone again, a new adventure. I just hope I find him at all..if at all 😣

I need to stop whining about it for 1, but I just want what everyone does. Sucks that I had it twice for that matter & lost em 🤦‍♀️ damn im disappointed in myself too. My choices guide my path & im going somewhere I guess, but ive accepted at the end of the day u experience & grow from the people u meet along the way right🤷‍♀️ nomatter how hard it hurts 😔 dealing with the heartache can be physically painful when it hits & this one has topped way tougher to go through than 2 experienced b4 it, & I don't ever wanna experience it again. So im done with it, put my sorrow aside for later if I must but I cant be depressed when I can focus my energy on something else. Me my self & I 😌 is holding up okay all things considered

https://open.spotify.com/track/71ehTADpxs85ULrZgSEKCy?si=tKTOa1zpRkWc6NZPSEJPkw

https://youtu.be/i-qT5n_5Mys 👋

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: can we chat? Rio: 'Course we can Indie: you still mad tho? Rio: No Rio: Serious Indie: me either Indie: my heart b heavy but not w that Rio: What's wrong, babe? Indie: all things Indie: its bad here Rio: How bad? Indie: dred like i dont wanna drag you back in but i cant cope w it Rio: Don't worry about me Rio: I'll have to sort some stuff here but how soon do you need me back Rio: and what can I do 'til then, like Indie: let me be w you i wont 2s mckenna or no thing Indie: but i gotta be out Indie: theres too many fucking situations Rio: alright Rio: of course Rio: i'll sort the uber now, where am I sending it Rio: is it the things i know or has something else, or multiple something else's happened? Indie: [sends random ass location because honestly where the fuck she wanna be rn] Indie: theres more and worse Indie: how you want it? Rio: First tell me you're safe Rio: then tell me however's easiest for you Indie: I'm proper high rn are they gonna let me come to london? Rio: Yeah, obviously don't bring anything but if it's gone it's gone Rio: You'll be fine Indie: safe Indie: i got none left to bring Indie: it been like that Rio: Damn Rio: Say no more, but do Indie: i get why my ma werent trying to do nothing but this Indie: cept its there still when you come thru Rio: That's the problem Indie: cant keep it goin innit cant keep no thing goin Indie: cant keep drew from wildin acting like a younger bringin feds to my door and my boy on my back cos hes fave target Indie: neither chatting to me like i done this Indie: did i? idk Rio: Nah, you didn't Rio: I can't even expand on it because just no, how could it be you Indie: thats how the boy treating me like i livin for the drama Indie: but the feds want drew in the pen & thats how he want it cos theres nothing left for him to fuck up in these ends Indie: i cant stop it none Rio: That ain't you though Rio: and who would be about this shit, it's the worst Rio: As for Drew Rio: I'm sorry Rio: We've been here before, there's no talking to him when he's in that space Rio: and that isn't on you Indie: every day we on this he be spitting angry at me throwing shit around but acting like im the one creating Indie: its too hard Indie: and yeah then theres drew back on his bullshit Indie: w the only apology yours to hold cos he aint offering Indie: i want him gone & i put that out into the universe so mayb i did it Indie: this is proper gone tho & that baby gonna be born soon Rio: Oh babe Rio: He don't know you like that, he shouldn't be treating you like that, standard Rio: even if you were the biggest drama queen in the world but you ain't and he got you so fucked up on that Rio: Nah, he's doing it all himself, even if you thought you wanted it or still do if not this way Rio: you can't make him do the dirt he do, or make him not Rio: The baby will be good, it'll have it's Ma and Bea is staying with her still and everyone else, you know it'll be okay Rio: what about you though baby Indie: how i let him chat to me that way? who am i rn? wtf Indie: i just want our yard back and you back and things to be what they were Indie: but its not Indie: cos even if we there what kinda ma she trying to be for real? im spinning out but like where in the universe is she @ Indie: & none of this is gonna hurt you most Indie: thats the last thing i aint chatted Rio: We've all put up with shit we shouldn't have Rio: 'cos we thought it'd pay off Rio: You ain't alone in that, nor does it make you less you even if it makes you feel less altogether Rio: I can try to talk to Drew, about the flat, idk if I can make that happen but if he goes jail he loses his lease, he only kept it in the past 'cos his boss' would pay it if he dealt inside, like but he ain't got the clout he used to have Rio: accept it or nah, no doubt we could chat about me taking it on if it comes to that but i ain't making promises Rio: I know but, you gotta trust we will all be there for damage control Rio: we're all alright ish, yeah? Rio: Go ahead, babe, I can handle it Indie: i got caught up cos i wanted someone to be for me & about me one time & everyone else has somewhere to lean Indie: you and mckenna being goals in my face Indie: everything else was a mess but i just added Indie: and now she has Indie: cos what i gotta tell you is bills told me edie be gone Indie: hardcore packed up and run out Rio: i know there's nothing i can say to make you feel less shit about it but i swear to you babe, we've all been there Rio: you know i have Rio: it doesn't make it better for you but it ain't your fuckup, it's one we all go through to grow through, yeah? no bullshit Rio: she did talk to buster but Rio: i didn't think it'd be anything more than normal Rio: i'll tell ma Indie: i reckoned bills was gonna cry she was carrying that much worry Indie: i aint no what to tell her Rio: I'll talk to her too Rio: I don't know what I'll say but Rio: it'll be alright, we can sort this Indie: i been swerving dem all hard as you Indie: more than she got detention for how hard she was trying to hit me up she said Indie: doing everyone the dirtiest ever why i gotta leave Rio: I can't blame you Rio: This shit is hard Rio: and painful Rio: I'm sorry I left you alone Indie: he aint try and fuck me i got no excuses Indie: [sends selfie] am I 😢 I can't feel it so what you seeing? Indie: not trying to be out here in the wild 💔😭 Rio: Baby calm down okay, you're good Rio: Your flight is booked and the uber is en-route Rio: I sent all your deets to you, all you gotta do is get here Rio: we're gonna sort all this okay and the shit we can't we gonna make bearable at least Indie: i dont have anything tho cant b living in mckennas garms after the last Indie: he gon b mad enough im rolling up likely Rio: No he won't Rio: I got plenty of shit you can borrow don't stress on that Rio: Nance has got a mental wardrobe here too Indie: o yeah other mckenna Indie: always sleeping on her living there too Indie: she aint but she do Rio: Exactly, I've had to borrow her bed loads of times before and you know they living that en-suite life Rio: you can stay for as long as you need Indie: innit what school gon do put drew in prison? 😂 Rio: Tbh Rio: In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter rn, soz teachers Indie: ill screenshot them words like my ma says Rio: I missed you Indie: safe cos imma be in your face soon Rio: wish it was under better circumstances, like Rio: but we'll get there Indie: @ the age to have a breakdown once a wk soz bout it 😂 Rio: that i can handle Rio: nothing that a pint of ben & jerry's and some chill time can't Indie: warn mckenna to lock up his squad & we all good Rio: 😏 Will do Rio: he's not really rolling with them rn so temptation should be outta the way Indie: 😍💍 be like Indie: i feel it Rio: Erm I ain't that hoe 😣😂 Indie: theres how you say & how you do bitch 😏💘😂 Indie: 👀 you from the front row in a few Rio: 🙄😔 am I really that bad Indie: nah nah Indie: mckenna be amp as Indie: its a good link Rio: Yeah but I mean Rio: do you feel like I've been ignoring you Rio: pre you know, that bullshit Indie: allow it babe Indie: you never done nobody that way Rio: Promise Rio: 'cos that ever what I was trying to be Indie: you always on the clock & your game Indie: trust Rio: Alright, 'nuff about me Rio: is there anything else you need, either now or for when you get here? Indie: gon need to grab my shit while 👻ing this boy Indie: standard juggle Indie: if hes been holding that long & not dashed it out ill break in Rio: You're gonna take some mates with you, yeah? Indie: bitch please i dont need the lads knoing my business that hard Rio: is it a good idea tho, even if he got his own van u kno they all got each other's backs, like Rio: be careful, all i'm saying Indie: they aint gonna call the feds on me man Indie: ill leave it til im back need a clearer head than this for a lock pick Rio: Yeah, don't worry 'bout it now Rio: anything replaceable we can sort now Indie: im not tryin to lose my head over things rn Indie: if imma be in london i got what i need Rio: That's the main thing Rio: and I ain't gonna come at you with 20 questions either, like Rio: space can include from me, just lemme know what you're feeling Indie: i been had enough space from you girl Indie: i miss you Rio: was hoping you'd say that Indie: i love you more than Indie: thats the mood Rio: i love you too Rio: no outs Indie: dont lets lose each other again Indie: 💖💖 Rio: never 🧡 Indie: how long this uber tryna be im 😫😫😫 Indie: imma b sleepin on this wall like i kicking it nursery rhyme vibes Rio: it's saying it's nearly there on the app Rio: if you gonna crash at the airport make sure you near the gate tho Indie: safe Indie: o sick idea Indie: the plane not trying to be up long enough for that shit tho innit Rio: legit its as quick as the bus into town like Rio: be here in no time Indie: its a madness Rio: yeah, see, it's not that far really Indie: feels like Indie: but mayb thats just how i want it so i can 👻 this town harder than afore Rio: it's far enough for that Rio: ain't letting drew out the country are they Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: not less they start deporting crooks old school like when 🐨 country just one big pen Rio: He wishes Rio: always got his top off like we living that life here Indie: fr like he needs a tan to appear more peng nah nah Rio: if we wanna get a new wifey Rio: least if she out there we unlikely to be related to her so go off Indie: true true Indie: unless he tryna head to spain for my nan we all good Rio: 😬 Rio: yikes, not a mental image we need Indie: idk i hear she keeps things tight & fresh Indie: hes done worse Rio: Stop 😩 Rio: 'less you gonna bring me one of them sick bags Indie: get you a straw donkey when he drag me out there for the 💒 Indie: i got you Rio: when u don't wanna be nan but u down to be ma Indie: least she too old to put a 👶 in Indie: & it aint like being down to be ma is top of his list for how he want his wifeys Indie: that ones just for you like Indie: ro not trying to mother me no mind the one she growing rn Rio: Fair Rio: Willing to put up with his shit and mother him is clearly more vital Rio: 'low it with the mommy issues like he's the only one going without Rio: twat Indie: o snap Indie: just cos yours aint want you boy dont mean you gotta kill mine tho Rio: o snapped too soon Rio: but he ain't get snapped on enough for that Indie: when he offering you dem same goodies ☠ Indie: thanks dad Indie: you a real one Rio: waste Rio: he's so fucked Indie: i was 👍 Indie: down & out Indie: what that make me? Rio: you a kid Rio: not chatting down to you, but you allowed to be is what I mean Rio: he's grown and he caused your shit, he should know and do better so you could Rio: literally his job Indie: idc now if he show up for astrid thatd do man Indie: grown past him still Rio: Yeah Rio: we'll have to wait n see if he can be arsed to prove himself Rio: idk if he's been allowed near since you know Indie: not from what ive 👂 Indie: coulda changed since he stopped chatting at me tho Indie: or he coulda just been chattin it so it dont look his fault he swervin Rio: wouldn't blame them from keeping him away rn, your hormones are fucked and she's never had much sense when it came to him Rio: but i don't know if it's a forever deal or what Indie: i can see her lawin it cos he burned her so hard w this Indie: proper owned Indie: she aint tryin to let you come thru & you fam so Rio: well you know Indie: cant call her out that hard when it aint that different from how my ma tryin to be when Indie: they all 🤡 for him Rio: yeah Rio: i don't get it Rio: whatever, he's good looking Indie: so your da he aint a wasteman w it Rio: it's easier to be treated like shit sometimes though than accept the love init Indie: call out 🔫 at me bitch Rio: not what i was going for Rio: just saying he ain't special with it, we all do it Indie: 👀 you Rio: 😏 shh Indie: 😂 Rio: neway Rio: he's out, yeah? Indie: innit Rio: 👍 Indie: how you livin Indie: gimme dat 411 Rio: yeah good tbh, the place where i work is cool Rio: i'm just doing promo stuff 'cos i don't wanna get too into anything obvs but it's fun, not dry like the angel was getting Indie: sick! they gonna let me in or ⛔ Rio: see what i can do Rio: sure we get u made up no one gonna be too amp Indie: dont 🤡 me Indie: keep it 💋 Rio: oi don't be doubting my skillz Rio: you ever seen me out like that 😂 rude Indie: doubtin my ability to carry all that Indie: you ever seen me in 👠 bitch Rio: you don't need 'em when you out with me Rio: only just be touching your height in mine so Indie: 😂😂😂 Rio: 😣 be looking stupid short 'round here Indie: you will stand w mckenna Rio: what i'm sayin Indie: 😍 gotta travel far 💖💖 baby Indie: good thing he extra too Rio: 😂 Indie: hows the love Rio: I don't wanna be extra about it at you Rio: but it is good Rio: and no one totally flipped shit on it so Indie: im not that 💔💔💔 you cant speak on it Indie: boy dont get to do me dirty and keep me pining long Rio: That's my girl Rio: 💪 Indie: throw shit @ me again he gon catch these hands Rio: serious, what a cunt Rio: he ain't gonna have the chance Indie: do me a solid & dont tell the fam yeah? your ma only just calmin after wanting to merk drew Rio: 'course Rio: you got it handled Rio: they don't need to know every little thing Indie: i did nearly run there the other thinkin i was gonna be baby'd up same time as my step ma near Indie: but nah 🍀 Rio: remind me to take you drs yeah Rio: 😰 Indie: its chill i not letting any lads near me in the 24 or out of Rio: still, with your memory, i don't think the pill is the one we'll get you the implant maybe Rio: or the coil, they last time Indie: sexy Indie: he was wrapped but it got fucked up idk was wild Indie: get them posho london drs to sort me 😂😂😂 Rio: nah you wanna be the one in control of that shit babe trust Indie: 👑👑👑 Indie: i feel that Rio: boys be mad dumb that shit could be old or ripped there's no telling Indie: fr 😒😒🙄🙄 Indie: he only got a year on me too idc how many girls he tryna chat he been w he dont kno that much Rio: You can defs take off at least 20% of whatever he chatting Rio: Trust Indie: serious? Rio: Probably Rio: or think about how many of them were like Rio: 5 minute fumbles at parties and shit Rio: doesn't really do much for your game even if its a numbers booster Indie: tell me mckennas i wont say shit to him swear down Rio: 😂 i would but idk Rio: i ain't asked Indie: girl WHAT Indie: bitch imma do it for you Indie: we taking off like 90% for him 'cause how he like to chat or nah? Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: I can imagine like, I don't need confirmation Rio: Poor baby 😂 Indie: do he kno your numbers? Rio: Nope Rio: 'less he tryna keep track like that which I doubt lmao Indie: its jam we can keep em on 🔒 Rio: Idc I'd tell you Rio: but he ain't wanna know trust Indie: boy too jel Indie: how they all be Rio: you know Indie: drew be tellin me how to do w my body like he something to me so we can let mckenna stand Rio: yeah that's a whole nother thing Rio: that ain't cute or wanted Indie: he aint 😂😂😂 Rio: truth hurts 😂 Indie: innit tho Rio: ur uber says its there so pull up Indie: i be waving to someone Indie: gotta b Rio: kinda excited even though it's cos everything is shit Indie: it me you gotta be hype 💖💖💖 Rio: That's alright then 😘 Indie: what mckenna say bout it? Rio: He's cool, gonna talk to his Dad so we don't have to Rio: getting food too to show he can, like Indie: trying to flex o boy Rio: ever since you dissed him Rio: gotta get good Indie: he need be told 👌 Indie: bring 🍔 🍕🍟 any of Indie: it aint hard if you smart Rio: idk if he taking orders but i'll let him know 😏 Indie: hit him w a screenshot and add 🥊 or 💪 Indie: 💍💍💍 life be like Rio: You have no idea babe Rio: getting it from both of yous again now 😜 Indie: is it? he wearin the 👖 thats how you 😍😍 Indie: i been knew Indie: 💘💘💘 Rio: Shut up 😩 Rio: That just how it be in the bedroom don't get it twisted Indie: 😏😏 when he such a daddy you let him wear the 👑 out 😏😏😏 Rio: yeah you lucky you still a flight away Rio: 🥊 'fore 💋 forreal Indie: 😂😂😂😂