#or mav realises he and ice were in a commited relationship for years but he didn't know and now that tom is dead he's catching up

[pollyna]

Our love is six feet under and I can't help but wonder.

Penny is gorgeous and her perfume fills his nose most of the time when she is around. He likes that of her, too. He likes that she asks him out, after the fourth time they sleep together after the mission. They're eating breakfast and Amelia is complaining about school and Bradley is texting because he forgot his keys and now he can't get back home and he's a little sweaty so can I come over dad? Please, if I go out like this Nat will kill me, we have a brunch with Halo!

Penny passes him coffee and we should go out on a date and Pete smiles at her and kiss her cheek before leaving for work. Let's go to see a movie, maybe tonight? he proposes and Just if you can find a babysitter for Amelia! The kid screams the most indignant Mom!, but the rest of the conversation is lost in the rumble of his bike.

It takes a while, but than the realisation hits him in the chest, six months after they start going out. They're waiting for their order in a restaurant he doesn't remember the name but Penny loves and she is talking about Amelia, the bar, her boat and the trip they should take once Pete has leave. Than she says something funny about Pete learning to drive a boat and hoping he's going to treat it gentler than he does with jets and a younger version of Tom is sitting in front of him. It's a diner, not a fancy restaurant, and the place doesn't even have tablecloths, just napkins and menus. Tom is talking about Bradley, about his new work and the jet they're building. Pete is thirty five and he just proposed to see a movie after. And he's going to ask Ice to move for the weekend to help with Bradley and he will say yes, soft smiles and an hand on his shoulder. Mav is going to lie on the his bed, that night and every night after that, his heart lighter than it was before.

Then it never stops: he takes Penny out to do something and he realises he asked Tom to do that before and they weren't even dating. Pete never even considered dating Tom. Until he does and it's devastating because he can't stop thinking about it. He is in the office, in his house, at Penny's and at Bradley's and Tom is there and he's there too, younger, stupider, happier and they're together, hands almost touching and heads always searching the other. His heart aches for all the empty spaces Ice used to fill, with his laugh, his voice, his presence. Over a beer he realises he never took away Tom's dogtags from around his neck and before falling asleep, after a dinner with all the squadron, he realises that he was blind for so so long and now Tom is gone and he has all this love to give to him and he can't. He doesn't say it out loud the next morning but on a Saturday afternoon he falls on his knees in front of Tom's tombstone and whispers I love you and it's a choked sound, a desperate empty scream that won't leave his throat because they're empty world and no ears will catch them. I love you, he repeats, I loved you for so long and I will love you until I stop breathing. I'm sorry To-I'm so fucking sorry.

He stumbles over Tom's house and in his bedroom and probably Sarah helped him there but all around him is fuzzy and he wants just ti wake up back in the ninetees and hug Tom once more, wants to hear his voice and his heart beating under his ear. He wants him to be alive because life can't be that cruel, not again. He dreams of strong arms around his waist and sleepy talks before breakfast and of a promise no one of them respected.

I will always be on your wing, Mav. Until death does us apart and even after, Iceman.