#or just overfeeling i guess

[naes-dairy]

am I just a bad friend?

[lollytea]

What do you think would be Gus's reaction to huntlow? (Or him figuring out their feelings before they do bc c'mon he s smart and they are obvious)

To answer this question properly, I had to take reference from Gus's reaction to his other best friend's romantic relationship.

Gus IS very smart but we also need to acknowledge that he was fucking clueless when lumity first started developing

Then again he matured A LOT in season 2 and seemed to have caught on that something gay was going on. However he showed little more than indifference towards it. Maybe even exasperation, though it's hard to say cuz he was in a bad mood at the time.

*Shakes his head*

Considering it never really showed Gus's (or Willow's) opinion of lumity officially dating, it just leads me to believe that he didn't really give a fuck. Just shrugged and said "yeah okay. Guess this is happening now."

That isn't to say he doesn't support it. When Amity wanted to learn more about Luz's "human language" Gus was happy to help. I mean it's a fucking cookbook so he's completely off, but he's trying and that's all that matters.

So this is basically how I imagine he reacts to Huntlow. Like currently? Between Labyrinth Runners and King's Tide. He is oblivious to it. He's standing right in the middle of the two, just pure vibin. Not a single romantic notion in his head. Just him and the besties.

He's like:

And like yeah you could argue that Gus was originally oblivious to lumity cuz he was younger and he might have learned to be a little more perceptive since they became girlfriends but honestly this is funnier to me. Gus just unknowingly putting Hunter into situations with Willow that are absolutely mortifying because of his crush on her, while Gus just thinks they're all having a fun casual time.

(Gus, genuinely curious: How come you're always turning bright red all the time? What's up with that?

Hunter: I don't-....you're-you're imagining it. I don't turn red all the time.

Gus: Yeah I guess you're right. It's only sometimes. Like when you're around me and Willow, so it's obviously not cuz you're embarrassed. We're your buddies, you'd never be embarrassed around us.

Willow: *sitting right there*

Hunter through gritted teeth: Yep.

Gus: Hunter be honest with me...

Hunter: I-..um...

Gus: Is it a white people thing?

Hunter:

Hunter: WHAT?

Gus: Is it a white people thing? I totally get it if it is. Amity does that a lot too.

Hunter: I-....Wh-.....yeah sure Gus its a white people thing.

Gus: *nods wisely* I'm real sorry you have to go through something like this, man. The big red ears really makes you look like an idiot and you don't deserve that. *sympathetically pats Hunter's shoulder*

Hunter: OkaythanksGushowaboutwetalkaboutsomethingelsenow??)

But like. He figures it out eventually. I'm not sure how but there's two funny options that I like.

A.) They just. Got more obvious over time. Like painfully so. Gus didn't really notice lumity when it was one sided but once Luz started blushing in return, then he caught on. Maybe he just never questioned Hunter's awkwardness cuz Hunter's just a weirdo. But once Willow starts acting awkward Gus takes notice, starts connecting the dots and then suddenly Hunter's odd behavior makes a lot more sense.

B.) One of them just flat out tells him they have a crush on the other. While I would say that Willow wouldn't keep anything from Gus, I figure she's starting to hold a lot of her feelings about stuff very close to her chest these days. She's not the same person as she was in season 1. Hunter, however, is just starting to go in the opposite direction. He seems to overthink, overfeel and overshare. So if his feelings for Willow get to be too much for him to handle, he might need to ramble about them to get it all out of his system. And who else would he feel comfortable talking about it with than Gus, the first person who he ever let himself be vulnerable with?

Either way, the first time the idea of Hunter and Willow being linked romantically is presented to Gus, he needs a moment to consider it. Just a moment. He presses his fingers to his chin, goes "hmmmmm..." before coming to a conclusion. Then he shrugs and says "Yeah that makes sense now that I think about it. I can see it."

He's chill about it. He'd probably tease them over it occasionally if he thinks the moment calls for it. But he's mostly indifferent. Romance in general is not something Gus is hugely invested in. However, just like with lumity, he'll happily help out if they ask for it and believes he's the best wingman ever.

It's usually Hunter that he helps. I need to mention again that Gus probably gives Hunter the dumbest goddamn advice a wingman can give because he's fucking thirteen and also chaotic. The funny part is that Hunter just does whatever the fuck Gus tells him to do without question.

Willow knows better. Gus's attempts to wingman her usually just go like:

Willow: *texting Hunter*

Gus: *reading her texts from over her shoulder* Tell him he's smokin'

Willow: *not batting an eye* I'm not gonna tell him that.

Gus: Y'know maybe the reason you're not dating yet is because you never listen to me.

Willow: I'm sure that's it.

Gus: I can do without the sarcasm, young lady.

[everandevermcre]

⌠ madelyn cline. 24, pansexual, genderfluid, they/she. ⌡ wait a minute, is vienna wright still in town? i thought i saw a flash of (caffeine addiction, eye rolls, overthinking & overfeeling)! last i heard they were working as a(n) dancer nearby. when it’s the (virgo)’s birthday on 08/29 i forget that they’re anxious and celebrate that they’re confident. i hear older than i am by lennon stella every time i think of them. ⌿ @liminalintro​

»  the life story  «

being the oldest of three comes with certain responsibilities. when your mother is bipolar, it comes with even more. it comes with a child taking care of an adult. it comes with a child taking care of themselves. it comes with a child taking care of their siblings. 

in many ways vienna had to grow up all too fast. in other ways she hadn’t grown up at all, holding onto childish tendencies like some sort of revenge.

guilt for being harsh with her mother. guilt from not protecting her brother from finding her body. guilt that tells her it’s her fault harlowe wants nothing to do with them. guilt for trying to better everyone’s existence but her own.

ryan’s relationship with harlowe is complicated. it is laced with envy and protection. worry and rejection. love and hate. they are sisters and strangers alike. 

vienna will always hold onto her younger twin sister. she is the only person in the world who could possibly understand what they went through.

still, vienna holds harlowe at arms length out of resentment for leaving her in the worst state imaginable: alone. 

vienna’s relationship with her brother is different. despite an age gap of just a few years, she babies him, an attempt at satiating his inner demons, inviting them onto herself to save him, hoping that at least one of them could be saved.

»  vienna wright «

i guess yeah, you could say i grew up too fast. i don’t really regret it.

i’m the oldest. it goes me, my twin sister, and then my little brother.

we grew up well off, but i don’t know if it makes up for the absence of a mother.

dad is a professor of literature. 

even though i hate to admit any kind of similarity to him, i dove into literature, too. it was my escape growing up. it still is.

i couldn’t wait to get the hell out of high school. it was filled with a bunch of prissy girls that called you a prude if you’ve never done it and a slut if you had. i was just trying to get by unscathed with my free spirit in tact and i guess i kind of did that, but i can’t say i didn’t break any hearts in the process, including my own.

people tend to form attachments. i get that it’s just human nature, but i’m the opposite, probably because i don’t really like nature.

i tend not form attachments. or at least i try really hard to stay away from them. some days its easy, other days i’m lonely.

books have always kept me company. i guess it’s the reason i didn’t do so hot in school. i was always reading things that weren’t on the syllabus. always digging deeper into another universe like it could somehow help escape the one i’m in.

when my brain’s had enough escapism and alone time to revive itself from anxiety, i guess you could call me a spontaneous person. 

i like trying new things. adventure feels like freedom, food for my soul.

some say i got in with the wrong crowd. some say i was pregnant and had to drop out. i’ll tell you the real story about why i didn’t finish high school...

mom struggled. my junior year of high school is when she got really bad. she had a lot of trouble taking care of herself, which means there’s not really room for her to take care of me or my siblings.

so when a random girl in a club bathroom told me i was ‘ totally hot enough to make a lot of money in an unconventional way, ’ i didn’t question it.

i started taking the train into the city after school, wore less-than-appropriate lingerie with a masquerade mask, and moved my body in ways my mother never intended my dance lessons to be utilized.

this is how i took care of my family.

as soon as i could swing it, i got my ged and started working full time to take care of us. the second i got out of that house, that town, and found something that was all mine with no strings attached to my other life, i felt a type of freedom i knew i would chase forever, even if it is the same kind of freedom i resent my sister for taking when i needed her most.

i started dancing for a well known place called follement aimé, it means madly loved in french. poetic, right?

at work, i’m not vienna. thank god. it’s kind of a liability thing. i’ve heard some of the other performers say it’s stupid, but i personally appreciate the separation of church and state.

‘ that was stone cold, medusa, ’ one of the performers said to me after my first audition for follement aimé. it stuck in a way few things do. i became medusa and medusa became me. i’ve since branded myself with a snake tattoo on my lower back. so if i wasn’t a stone cold bitch before, i am now.

when people ask what i do for work, i tell them i’m a freelancer. i kind of got used to it and never changed my story. so for all intent and purposes, i’m a freelancer.

i visit my mom when i can and rid myself of any other attachments unless they’re in the fictional worlds that accompany my morning coffee.

as i’m sure you can guess, medusa doesn’t do attachments either, though people have bad habits of getting attached to us both.

i stopped showing my vienna self out in the real world for a long time out of fear of entanglements. even still, people, mostly men with big wallets and even bigger egos, tend to get attached to medusa upon meeting her. i don’t blame them. she’s cool. way cooler than me. sometimes they get even more hung up when they realize she doesn’t want them back. they think she can be bought, not realizing the only thing you can buy from me is my time, something i am more than happy to give away for the right price.

medusa’s occasional attachments are reserved for ravishing, feminine creatures,  goddesses that simply could not go left untouched (though i’m sexually fluid no matter what name i use when i introduce myself to you).

so yeah. that’s my story. it’s still being written and in a town that people visit to get off the grid, to compare to the stories they have read on the internet, no less.

»  the life story  «

iced coffee, hot tea. always caffeinated.

lights off. candles on. eyesight be damned.

her free time is spent smoking , reading , and writing.

she buries her natural maternal instincts, though they shine through even against better judgment.

rough around the edges. she’s saving what softness she has left for herself.

face of an angel, mouth of a sailor. a specific kind of shipwreck.

[parfum-de-la-muse]

I feel like I am different person than I was a year ago. I enjoyed poetry deeply, it was like a honey on my wounds on the soul and it started fading… I feel like maybe I lost myself? Certainly I don’t think that deeply - and that worries me. I could write a poems in my head. My thoughts were full of sonnets and now… some of them seem simple because I don’t have much time to overthink but still I overfeel on my own but different way. I am developing and changing naturally but I don’t know if I am changing in a good way because I don’t feel that. I have been a Romanticist and I still like consider myself like that but what if I am just quite romantic? In other way, in love way, in seductive way like everyone thinks. I started like the one thing in myself. I woke up the demon which wasn’t awake for such a long time. The sensual demon of seduction. I started to see new values and some confidence but physically, I guess.

Furthermore, the lack of feeling like myself it can be because I always have been a melancholic person, sorrow was my dearest friends, depression was almost always with me for such a long time that I felt like its the part of me, the pain is the part of my personality and without it I feel less creative, less poetic. My memories are full of rejection and lack of love and self esteem and I can’t explain how I feel now without the things which I know the best, quite empty, different person.

[lumeha]

Tarot ask : the High Priestess and the Lovers ?

The High Priestess : What Tarot card represents the essence of who/what you aspire to be?

Ouch, that is a complicated question, isn’t it ? 

I think... I think I am Knight of Cups. Both the good and the bad. Creative and seeking emotions and the romance (even if it’s not the “dates and St Valentine and big bouquets” romance), and sometimes overflowing with feelings and wanting to share the love and kindness, but also moody and empty and easily hurt and jealous and overfeeling and overthinking in ways that end up destructive. 

Not completely mature, but older, just not wiser. Sometimes with the experience to share, but still so much to learn about and to stumble upon.

What I aspire to be ? The Stars. 

Because is there anything more soothing than representing hope, sharing hope, helping people, giving them kindness and being there for them in dark times ?

The Lovers : What is the most beautiful deck in your collection?

I will say that I have multiple answers to this question, simply because I have multiple “beautiful” categories ? Multiple... categories of tarot that I find beautiful that are just very different to each others ? I would say that. And also I am bi. Stop asking me to choose :( (j/k) (it’s because choosing only one thing is HARD okay)

So here are some of the decks I find the most beautiful in my collection :

- the Fire Emblem Tarot- the Mage : The Awakening tarot- the Cary Yale Tarot - the Light Grey Tarot

(pic to come when I am done finding ‘em in my collection)

And yes 2 out of 4 of these decks are collaborative art decks, and 1 is a deck by four artists, so I guess I love decks that have a cohesion while style having multiple art styles !

[ghostsxagain]

//I gotta vent and get shit off my chest....//

I am not doing well. Full stop. I can’t focus on anything and I keep cycling through overthinking and overfeeling, then crashing and feeling nothing. I have three overdue assignments and I simultaneously don’t give a shit about them and am freaking out over them? yet every time I try to work on them I just stare at my computer screen and get nothing done. I thought quitting my job would fix everything and it definitely helped in some ways but not enough? I need to do more to get better and I don’t know how. Jamie keeps trying to push me to see a doctor but mine sucks and makes me feel shitty about myself so I tried finding a new one and that hasn’t been successful so I just feel lost and really unsure about what to do with anything. I can fake it through IMs or texts, I can slap on a happy face when I’m hanging with Jamie but during the day when I’m home alone or at night once he’s gone to bed I just don’t know what to do with myself. last night a song of all things triggered me into deep fucking sadness and I haven’t been able to shake it. we just had a heart to heart in which I told him about these weird feelings and he’s trying so hard to be understanding but he doesn’t really know what to do either, not that I blame him. he said he’s going to make some phone calls with me tomorrow when he gets home from work so that’s a start I guess but I’m not all that hopeful. the semester ends next week so I have all weekend to get my ass in order and submit SOMETHING so I don’t get zeros. I just need those credits, then I get a week or two off before the next session starts, I think.

I don’t expect anything from y’all, I just needed to articulate these feelings, I guess, and just be honest with myself. I need to ask for help and actively seek it out. I just wish I felt motivated to do that. idk

[aikasjournal]

Why can’t I participate in my friends’ chatter

These days I find my friends chatter obnoxious. As much as I hate to admit it, I find their problems petty. There I said it. I know this is not true and that their problems are as real as mine. I used to believe in that not so long ago. I even swore by this quote, which for some reason I attribute to Natalia Ginzburg:

The world has bigger problems. Why are your problems more important than the world’s?

Because they’re mine.

I truly believed that. 

But since my father’s death, I really couldn’t care less about other people, even the ones I’m closest to. If I’d be completely honest, I just want to talk about my pain, grief, loss 24/7, but of course no one would listen to that. Unless you’re my therapist, I don’t think it’s anyone’s job to listen to me drone on and on and on about my grief. And as I have seen the past few weeks, not even my own family cares to drone on and on and on about how they are feeling about papa’s death. 

Just typing the word death right beside papa still seems surreal. It’s not true. Nope, it’s true. Deep breaths.

Anyway back to my lack of enthusiasm to engage in any of my friends’ problems. This is all about grief right? I’m still not okay, right? I mean I couldn’t stand them talking about what a load of shit this coronavirus is, inside my head I’m like “uh yeah this is hard for you?” Just typing that makes me feel shitty about my self-involvement, like I’m the only one who has experienced death in this lifetime. God, I know how other people have it worse. BUT I feel righteous about my pain at this time. I’m not sure if I’m romanticizing it, or overfeeling it, I don’t really know. All I know is I could not give two fucks about how sad you guys are that you’re in quarantine. Big whoop! Waaahhhh I feel evil.

But actually I have a particular friend who I feel disappointed about. Though I know I really can’t blame her because she has not experienced this loss. And I should ask for what I need instead of wanting her to just guess it and give it to me. Every time we talk, or rather every time I try to open up about my grief, all she says is “hugs.” Yeah maybe that’s the best she could muster and I shouldn’t really expect that much from her. I couldn’t bring myself to bring this up either, like I don’t have the energy to go through it. 

I have other friends though, good ones especially in times like this. I appreciate them, really. I couldn’t even express how grateful I am for their support and willingness to just be there. Especially Mary Ann. She is the best.

I’m here downstairs because I want peace and quiet. As isolating as this quarantine is, I even crave more silence and solitude for some reason. I find the noise of news, social media, loved ones irritating most days. Again, if I’m being 100 percent honest, I want someone brave enough to listen to me talk and talk and talk until their ears and mine fall off. If I’m being totally honest.

Ohhh another thing, I’ve been torturing myself for not being able to write something coherent about papa. I want to write something special about him, for him. I really do. I’m putting it out there to the universe, please help me find the strength, patience, fortitude to organize my thoughts and write about papa. Please please.

[pericardiums]

January 3, 2020.

It hasn't even been a full week and I've already missed an entry. Heck, I’ve missed an entry on the second day. The absolute clownery exercised none other than myself. To be fair though, I do my entries in the early morning and I've really not done much on the First - other than a Harry Potter marathon that happened to pop up on TV - so you're not missing much. (Maybe I should do my entries once every couple of days? Does that sound more realistic? I mean I know when University starts, there's no way I would have time to do these on a daily basis.)

Yesterday, however, Ruba, Nikkaela, Ardi and I met up for lunch at The Pearl. Nikkaela arrived a little bit later because she was caught up at the Filipino embassy, attempting to deal with bureaucracy. The conversation was alright at Paul’s, it wasn’t the best. There were a few silences here and there while we were munching away on our food (mind you they were comfortable silences) but like, it still lowkey bugged me a bit at the time because I was worried that that's what the vibe was going to be like for the rest of the hangout. it wasn't small talk per se, but it did have parallels to it. 

When Nikkaela finally arrived, she and Ruba rambled a bit about the time that they spent NYE together. Which was... alright? But like they did go on about it for quite some time and it wasn't the most inclusive of conversations because a) Ardi and I weren't there so we couldn't really contribute much, and it sort of have me feeling left out of the conversation? and b) it seems a bit weird, to me at least, talking about club and drinking culture to someone who doesn't actively take part in it? I'm talking about Ardi here. The whole time Ruba and Nikkaela were going on and on about the drunk guys they had to deal with or, in true Nikkaela fashion, the amount of drinks she was downing seemed very non-inclusive at the time. I was sitting there like... okay... and? It just felt like it wasn't the right time for it, I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking (and overfeeling) about all of this. (This also was the case when Nikkaela, Ruba, Jihad and I had lunch at La Casa a couple of days ago, all she could talk about was her drunken adventures and the problematic white boys she’s been seeing through Tinder. I'm sitting there wondering if half of it panned out the way it did. This sounds very cynical of me but I honestly cannot help it. I'm always like this. I know. I'm working on it). 

Throughout the whole time we were at Paul, I really wanted to share my Tinder adventures with them but never really found the way to interject it into the conversation seamlessly. Like I'm sure they wouldn't mind that I bring it up out of the blue but I always feel very selfish of diverting conversations to topics about myself? Right, you might be thinking it’s pretty rich of me to want to share about my “love life” to them when I've literally just told you about how I felt with Nikkaela going on about hers. Well, I was meant to spill the tea to Ruba and Nikkaela during our first outing - that was the plan - but out of nowhere Ruba decided to bring Jihad along and I just couldn’t say it. I'm not out to Jihad yet and he’s such a close family friend (and I'm fully aware of his views in regards to the matter so that added complexity to the case) that it just felt weird? At one point during that first hangout, when Jihad was away at the toilets, I told Ruba and Nikkaela this and they said that we should plan another meet-up where I would feel safe to spill the tea. And hence why the meet-up that took place yesterday was planned. So I guess you could say me bringing my “adventures” up was within grounds? Lol.

After finishing our food at Paul, we decided to go for desert at Sugar & Spice in the Lagoona Mall. And boy, that's where the tea was spilled. I (very smartly and smoothly, I must say) asked Ruba about her tinder adventures before segwaying into mine. Ruba’s stories were so cute, I'm obviously not going to reiterate it here as it is not mine to tell, and whilst she’s been on quite a few, she's not found one for the long term just yet. When the conversation shifted to mine I told them pretty much everything, I'm not very good at storytelling life events that happened to me because I keep forget to plant details that matter earlier on but I did my best (didn't help that I had a mouth ulcer as well?). They were sympathetic over what happened with TK - which I didn't ask them to be, never once I painted myself as the “victim”, or at least the intention wasn't there, I told it more to the side of “well, this unfortunate thing happened” - and they were quite excited about the thing I have going on now with IR, which was nice to hear because I share the same sentiments.

For whatever reason our conversation led to talking about our experiences as third culture kids, and this idea of feeling foreign wherever we go - even to the countries that we would be considered from, our motherlands. We then got talking about Ruba’s family dynamic, and what her family’s got going on with the rest of her siblings just now - again, I won't reiterate as it is not mine to tell, but wow, she's got a lot. For someone who seems so put together and looks like that they’ve everything on lock, she's got a lot on her plate. I’ve gained so much more respect and admiration for her - which I already did have but like, this just takes it to another level. 

Anyway, Ruba had to leave at 6 because she's got an appointment with her dentist so we had to cut the meet-up short (well not really, we met up at round 1 so it was a 5 hour thing, but time really did few by!). So yeah, yesterday was nice. I massively enjoyed it. I really like these small group conversations with close friends and I'm glad I could get a heart-to-heart with them because we've probably not done that since we left high-school so this was really nice. 

[dearmomanddad]

#15

Hey mom,

I think you visited a couple of times this month. Maybe you’ve been watching and maybe you realize that I’m having trouble facing the music. I’m having trouble facing my emotions and I know, you always tell me not to cry over things I can’t change, but I can’t help it. They just come out of nowhere and they’re so hard to stop.

In any case, those daily texts have dwindled as expected. No one can text every hour of everyday. No one has that  much to say so I understand that. But, I recently decided that I should check the site where we met (y’know modern dating is all about websites and apps nowadays, it’s awkward, but it works for our century). He was still on it. I mean what would you say?

I know I kinda “forced” it on him to call me his and him as mine, but it was just so his parents weren’t confused and his friends knew. That’s what I wanted, but is it what he wanted? I guess I never asked and that I should.

I desperately want to talk to him, but I know this could also just be a part of me making something up to break up with him because this is always the time around which I start overthinking, start overfeeling, start this weird defensive mechanism where I dump the guy instead of trying to work through problems. But back then, it seemed logical, I knew I wasn’t going to end up with them for the rest of my life. Or at least I knew I didn’t want to. But now, it’s different. I can’t even imagine dating someone else while dating him because I like being with him so much. Am I being too much? Perhaps. I need to do other things and be with other people, but I’ve fucked that up. I fucked up the time to mae friends in Philadelphia and now all I have are the people from high school who are half way around the world and the other two in NY. Jennie, my roommate, works full time and goes to school part time.

AND HEre I am, freshly graduated from college, with no job lined up. No mother to go home to. Just the money you left me a teddy bear and clothes. Even your grave is two and a half hours away....I’m just so lonely and I feel so stupid. I feel stupid for not having prepared better. I feel stupid for thinking he’d...that he’d delete his accounts. I mean we haven’t talked yet.

Mom, what did you do? How did you love? Did you love? Did you overthink like I did? Were you full of affection with no one to give it to? Do you regret having me?

Maybe there are just a lot of guys like him and i just don’t know it.

Love and miss you lots mom,

M.K