#or it fucks with your hormones. i’m sorry u want someone with depression to have MORE hormone problems 😭🤧

[thewingedwolf]

i was cramping over the weekend and now i feel linen i had a sudden mood drop which is aggravating bc my period is p far off. i think i might need to go back on birth control but i’m like. so bad at remember to take it 😭

[autistic-katara]

cw transphobia/cw suicide/rant

disrespectfully, if ur the typa parent who treats ur kid coming out as trans as “ur little girl/boy dying” or u “being in mourning” and especially if u talk abt that infront of/to ur trans kid fuck you.

“let them have emotions” no, fuck that. u can have feelings like that or whatever, i’m not trying to police ur thoughts but 1. acknowledge that u need to work on those feelings for the sake of ur kid and 2. keep those feelings to ur fucking self.

and if u absolutely HAVE to talk abt them, do it privately, when ur kid’s not around, when no other trans kid who might be in a similar situation could hear. if someone asks u if u feel like that when ur kid’s sitting right fucking next to u just lie, or at the very least tell them uve been working on it (which u better have been.)

because it makes it seem like u think ur kid’s transition is abt urself (which i sometimes wonder if u mfs do think that), and it makes ur kid feel like they cant explore their own feelings abt them feeling like they killed the little girl/boy they used to be, even if its not related to gender or being trans at all, heck, maybe ur trans son feels weird abt thinking he “killed the boy he used to be” bcz of smthn else like depression or smthn and he feels weird abt thinking that bcz u talked abt how u feel in mourning for his past self and it made him feel super icky (or vice verca w/ ur trans daughter or enby kid).

parts of this go for other insensitive shit u could say to ur kid during their transition (“i’m worried it could be a trend” “hormones/blockers r just so dangerous”, comparing medically transitioning to girls developing anorexia due to diet culture, etc.)

i’m sorry, i know i should probably be sympathetic to parents going through a kinda (and partially rightfully) scary change but if ur saying or doing shit that negatively affects ur kid, even if u didnt mean it that way fuck u, idgaf abt how u feel abt it, how u feel like u lost a child, how u hate ALL surgeries (but especially an unnecessary one), how after a few hours of facebook research ur worried it could be a trend, how ur worried that using their name/pronouns might confuse their younger siblings (who would probably easily understand a simple explanation with the option to ask questions after if explained right), i do not give one single fuck abt ur self-centred, uneducated worries.

you might have good intentions or whatever but this shit is gonna kill your child, i’m sorry. and if it doesnt kill them its gonna make them hate u, both now and when theyre actually able to medically transition and live on their own.

and honestly, even if they do figure out “oh hey, i’m actually just cis but with a kinda complicated relationship to gender” i promise u they arent gonna thank u profusely for bringing up the worry that theyre not actually trans or making their transition so much harder and slower, theyre gonna hate u for making them scared to question their gender anymore incase u turn out to be right and u think u did the right thing which would both feel shitty for them personally for obvious reasons but might also hurt their trans siblings or the trans kids whos parents might be in the same facebook group or whatever.

and theyre very much gonna hate u for overlooking their feelings, doing stuff they know u know makes them actively suicidal, and not caring enough to look at actual resources for parents trying to support their trans kids better, preferably written by a trans person themself, and instead go to, again, ur mommy facebook group where ur bsf posts terfy memes and abt how “she doesnt want her teenage daughters in the same bathroom as perverted men!” (both “daughters” also being trans boys who coincidentally are both insanely suicidal, cope in unhealthy methods, and talk shit abt their parents the moment the topic of them comes up) and where they fear-monger abt how ur young impressionable girls (and probably boys too) are being taken advantage of by the evil transgenderism movement and how its a social trend for them to mutilate their bodies, “just like how girls would starve themselves to fit in when we were teens!”, and thats in the rare chance that they DO detransition.

anyways idrk what else to say other than support ur fuckin trans kids as much as u can, do actual research to support them, or dont be shocked when ur child tries to kill themself and/or doesnt speak to u anymore when their older, and when that happens i hope the pain u feel is as bad as half the pain we feel from having to deal with ur self centred transphobic bullshit that makes it feel like our parents dont love us and just see us as dolls and see our struggles w/ dysphoria as small irritation that surgery and hormones would be unnecessary to fix, and if u make ur kid feel like that i cannot stress this enough: Fuck. You. because you are the reason the child ur supposed to love, care for, and protect feels like this and wants to kill themself. just fuck you.

[saintobio]

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

remember, forever. (7)

↳ kageyama tobio x f!reader

description: in which the boy you’ve loved for years unexpectedly becomes your baby daddy. the catch? he’s in love with someone else.

genre: angst, cheating, unrequited love

a/n: surprise, it’s a fast update! what will be the advice you’ll give to y/n if you’re in her position? let me know what u guys think (:

previous

You just wanted Kageyama to stop giving you mixed signals. It was confusing and all the more frustrating. One minute he’d act all sweet and caring, the next he was running after his ‘ex’ girlfriend.

Yeah, you had no right. Yeah, both of you were just in this for the baby. Yeah, you were the only one who had feelings.

But did you really deserve the way he was making you feel?

Even though you were just the mother of his child, you deserved better than this. You did nothing wrong. You just simply loved the wrong person.

It was already late at night to even bother with these depressive thoughts. You wondered if it was the pregnancy hormones making you feel this way.

To distract your mind, you took the sonogram and stared at your little bean with a smile. It was a good decision to keep the baby, but it was a bad decision to keep the father. Even if you loved him, the pain in your heart wasn’t worth it.

“My angel,” you whispered, touching your bump.

The doctor said it would take around your 5th month before you could tell the gender of the baby and you were already on your 2nd. You were excited to know what your baby was going to be.

You felt your stomach growl and it made you chuckle thinking about your baby telling you that you were hungry.

“Okay,” you spoke to your unborn baby. “Mommy’s gonna make food.”

Truly, since you became pregnant, you didn’t feel alone at your apartment anymore.

You went to your fridge to make your usual blueberry and yogurt combo. You always had plenty of stock because it had been your craving for the past month, but you realized you had run out of yogurt and it was already late at night to even go out.

But you were going to lose it if you didn’t get to satisfy your cravings tonight.

You decided to check your phone and text the only person you could count on.

You: Oikawa, you look extra handsome today. I was wondering if you can go out and buy a tub of yogurt for me ;)

It wasn’t even a minute in until the said guy replied to your text. Just how much did he check on his phone all day?

Tooru: No

You: but i’m pregnant >:( you should be nicer to me!!

Tooru: :P

You: pleaseeeeee?

Tooru: Fine, hold on

There were days where you felt truly grateful to have Oikawa nearby. He was such a good person to count on whenever you felt down and he expected the same from you. You were also the first person he talked to when he was having trouble with his girlfriends or volleyball or other stuff in general.

You weren’t really close to him back at Kitagawa Daiichi but you knew that he’d always been popular to girls your age. Maybe you were just too focused on Kageyama that you paid no attention to other guys aside from him.

You only got close to Oikawa during high school when Iwaizumi started dating Jina and the four of you would ‘hang out’ together.

You sat back at the couch, turning the TV on as you waited for your delivery man to arrive. It only started to bother you when it had been half an hour and he still wasn’t back.

You were about to type in another message when you heard the doorbell ring.

Jeez, about time.

You walked to your front door and swung it open. “What took you so long—”

“Sorry.” Kageyama stood in front of you, dressed in his training gear while catching his breath. He held a bag full of yogurt tubs and pouches. “There was a long line down at the store and I bought a lot just in case.”

Your first reaction was to freeze on the spot. Because... How?

How did he know?

Even more, why was your heart beating dangerously fast?

“Uh, how did you...?” you asked.

“Oikawa-san, he messaged me about it.”

Fuck. Of course he would!

You were already thinking of ways on how you were gonna beat him up the next time you see him. You could almost hear Oikawa saying ‘I did you a favor~’

“Can I come in?” Kageyama asked and cut you off your trance.

Right. You made way for him as he stepped inside your apartment, placing the bag on your dining table.

“Neat,” he commented, looking around your apartment.

“It’s not as big as yours, but this is just the right size for me,” you said, taking the tub of yogurt out of the bag. “Thanks, by the way.”

He nodded once before taking a seat at one of the stools. It looked like he just got out of volleyball practice before rushing straight to your place to get what you needed. It somehow felt weird and out-of-character.

“Did you eat dinner yet?” you asked out of courtesy. “I can make a quick one for you.”

He nodded. “Thank you.”

You decided to cook Tamagoyaki and you realized it was the first time you’ve cooked for Kageyama. Suddenly, this situation made you feel like you were husband and wife for real.

You tried not to get carried away with the thought as you quietly prepared his dinner. He maybe nice now, but you know he’d just remind you how he loved another woman and you were just nothing.

It was awkward because you could see from the corner of your eye that he was looking at you.

“The baby’s into yogurt too, huh?” he asked.

You casually smiled. “Yeah, just like you.”

“I’m more of a milk guy,” he corrected, smiling in return.

“Same thing.” You suddenly remembered a distant memory. “Do you remember back in Junior High when we met at the vending machine?”

He searched from his memory. “The one that broke down?”

You nodded. “Yeah, and you got me another carton during lunch period.”

“Because I thought you were gonna cry about it,” he said in his defense.

“Hey, no I wasn’t!” You pouted, putting the omelette into the plate. Somehow, it was nice to have this simple talk with Kageyama.

No feelings involved, just casual conversations.

———————————————————————

After he ate dinner and after you satisfied yourself with your intense yogurt craving, you thought maybe Kageyama would be going home.

But actually, he stayed with you on the couch for awhile, making sure you were okay before he left.

You were careful not to fall for the same trap again because you knew Lara was still very much the one for him.

You knew he was just doing this out of obligation. Nothing more.

“Do you still have practice tomorrow?” you asked, sitting more comfortably.

He had his head leaned back on the headrest with his eyes closed. “No. Rest day.”

“I have a day off work, too,” you said, as if he cared.

He opened his eyes to look at you. “Don’t you think you should quit work?”

You understood his intention but you loved working and it was the only thing that made you happy.

“I’ll file a pregnancy leave near my due but I’m not quitting overall, if that’s what you mean.”

“I’ll cover everything,” he offered. “Bills and whatever. Everything you or the baby needs.”

You shook your head. “Tobio...”

His eyes flickered at the mention of his first name. He rarely heard you call him by his first name and you wondered if he preferred it.

“You just need to stay at home and take some rest. And also,” he hesitated, taking a deep breath. “My father’s kinda right. You should live with me.”

You could not believe what you were hearing. Did Kageyama knock his head on a wall or something?

This was strange.

“You mean move in with you?” You laughed nervously. “You know we don’t have to take this marriage thing very seriously, right? Not when we’re in a situation like this.”

He sighed, positioning his head back to where it was while he stared at your ceiling. “I know, but... I’ve thought about this over and over. I promised you that I’ll figure this out with you.”

Why did he have to be so difficult to understand? It was starting to get upsetting.

“You literally told me you love Lara two days ago,” you responded, bitterly. “Stop giving me mixed signals! Stop confusing me. I get that she’s not easy to forget but—”

“It’s gonna take awhile!” he answered back. “I know I suck right now, but I’m always just honest. She’s the person I love, but her and I have already talked about the situation and agreed that it’s best to go our separate ways. Give me time to adjust.”

You fell silent. Maybe that day Lara called him, they met after to talk about it in person. To have a proper closure. You felt silly getting hurt when he did tell you he loved her, because what did you expect? For him to suddenly love you overnight?

“I still love her and I won’t deny it to you,” he pointed out. “But I’m gonna have a family with you now, so I’m trying to own up to it. I just need your patience.”

You hugged your knees to your chest. “Why?”

He didn’t speak.

“Why, Tobio?” you repeated. “Why did you make me keep the baby? Why are you forcing yourself into this relationship with me?”

This wasn’t how you wanted to gain Kageyama. You wanted him to be in a relationship with you because he was in love with you. You wanted to be the person he loved, the person he’d brag about, the person he’d smile at.

“Sonogram,” he said.

Huh?

“What do you mean?” you questioned.

He blinked, still staring at the ceiling.

“When I looked at it, it hit me,” he spoke honestly. “That we made a life together. I don’t wanna be the kind of father that my father was to me. That’s why...we should consider this a blessing, not a mistake.”

You let yourself drown in thoughts of him and the day of your abortion. You remembered the look on his face when he saw the ultrasound scan for the first time, but didn’t expect that it would change his outlook towards the situation.

There was nothing else to say. You just understood his side. He obviously still didn’t have any feelings for you, but if he was trying to be a father to your child, then you shouldn’t take away his right. After all, you wanted your baby to have a father that loved them. As long as he was willing to be a father to your child, you’d be fine. You’d be okay.

A few minutes have passed as the both of you sat there in silence. You still didn’t know what the plan was after this, but you weren’t just ready to talk about it right now.

A sigh escaped your lips as you gathered your thoughts. “It’s getting late, you should—”

Kageyama was already fast asleep on your couch. He must’ve been so exhausted for him to sleep in an uncomfortable position like this and you felt bad.

You traced the hair out of his eyes and touched his cheek. You could never understand why you loved this guy so much to put up with the endless pain.

Without waking him up, you placed a warm blanket around him and whispered goodnight.

———————————————————————

When did he start loving Lara?

Kageyama couldn’t exactly remember when. It just happened. He just suddenly realized that he loved her one day and decided to make her his girlfriend.

What he did remember was the day they first met. Kageyama did photoshoots for the cover of a famous sports magazine and he got paired with a Japanese-Russian model. His first impression of Lara was that she was beautiful, but not enough to make him fall head-over-heels at first sight.

Everyone started saying how they looked good together and would make a good-looking couple in real life.

He was a man after all. Of course, he’d try to get to know her.

But the moment he genuinely felt something was when she started watching all of his games. It felt nice to have someone look forward to seeing him play. To cheer for him during his wins and comfort him during his losses. It felt nice to have someone that reminded him of you, the girl from Junior High who had always been his number one fangirl.

And, just like that, Lara became someone special.

She’d always be special to him, but he couldn’t really love her the same way anymore. Not when he was going to have a family with the girl she’d reminded him of. It was unfair.

Lara deserved a better guy. She didn’t deserve a guy who would cheat on her like he did. She was meant for another guy that would never look at anyone else. Maybe Kageyama had to accept his version of reality.

———————————————————————

“Don’t tell me you’re letting your guard down again,” Jina reminded.

It was your usual ‘hang out’ day with the three of them. Tonight, you guys chose to watch a movie because Oikawa had been pestering you about it all week.

“I’m not,” you stated firmly.

Iwaizumi came back with your movie tickets while you two lined up for popcorn. You looked around.

“Where’s Tooru?” you asked.

Iwaizumi pointed to his far right. “He’s hitting on someone. What a sleaze.”

You saw Oikawa trying to have a conversation with some girls from a reasonable distance and it made you chuckle. It was concerning how normal it was to see this.

“You should’ve invited Kageyama and not this guy,” he added in a playful remark about his best friend.

“We’re not together,” you claimed.

Jina looked at you weirdly. “Uhh, you kinda are now. You said he broke up with the girl and he’s trying to just be with you.”

“But that’s...” Well, you weren’t sure if you consider yourselves ‘together’.

“Fine. He’s just your baby daddy,” Jina added. “Let’s put it that way if you’re more comfortable.”

Iwaizumi held his girlfriend’s hand. “You moving in with Kageyama now?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know.”

By the time you guys got inside the movie theater, it was already packed with people and Oikawa couldn’t help but complain.

“Why are there so many people!” Oikawa whined as the four of you went to your seats.

“Shut up,” you muttered, sitting between him and Jina.

He nudged you. “You’re still mad about the other night?”

You weren’t really mad, but it was nice to tease the guy. “Maybe.”

“Come on.” Oikawa rolled his eyes. “I had to make him do his own duties. He’s responsible for you. You should be thanking me instead.”

You pouted. “Does that mean you’re tired of me?”

“No. If Tobio-chan isn’t around, I’d still be there.”

You ended up chuckling. “I know. I was kidding. Pretty sure you’d be busy with your girlfriends by then.”

“I will not!”

Halfway through the movie, the scenes were getting so intense and you were suppressing a laugh when you saw how Oikawa was so into it.

Your phone buzzed from inside your bag and you checked to see the message.

Tobio: Hey, I finished practice. Can I pick you up?

Your heart skipped a beat.

You: sounds good! the movie will end in about 20 mins :)

You didn’t realize that you had a smile on your face when both Oikawa and Jina looked at you teasingly.

You hid your phone.

“What?” you asked innocently.

Jina leaned her head on your shoulder. “I’m happy for you. Just make sure you’ll take care of your heart.”

Her advice may be simple, but it held the purest intentions. She was right. Every time you felt happy, you knew you were still going to get hurt.

Because that was an unspoken rule that came with loving Kageyama. You had to be strong enough to endure the pain.

For now, you were contented with this.

[satanfemme]

Sorry if this is really personal (sorta the reason I'm asking anonymously) but I am enby and I want to get top surgury and get these titty the fuck out. Is there anything people should know about top surgury?

Honestly my top surgery was super straightforward so I’m not sure how much new and original advice I can give but here’s some things I’m glad I knew going into it/wish I knew going into it/think u should know:

1: research surgeons, don’t just go with whichever one is most convenient. Check out their documented results, check out their reviews, search for their names in the r/ftm subreddit (

Some things to consider when researching surgeons besides results is which surgeries they offer (double incision, keyhole, etc), price, if they take ur insurance, travel prices/plans, how easily you can get there and get home (keep in mind someone else has to drive u home/to a hotel post-op!), and also just make sure u have some sort of meeting with the surgeon before deciding to go with them, whether that’s an irl meeting or a video call if they’re far away.

You should discuss with ur surgeon before hand how you want your results to look. In part so you know what to expect when the bandages come off (cause there’s gonna be like a week or two there post-op where you can’t actually see the results yet!!) but also there’s sometimes choices you can make about your results depending on the surgeon, things like nipple size and to some extent scar placement if ur doing double incision.

2: One complication that can happen that you should be aware of is post-op depression, I didn’t have any of this but it’s not uncommon and isn’t talked about v much. But just be aware that u might experience an emotional crash post-op and if that happens it’s 1. temporary and 2. doesn’t mean you made any mistakes or fucked up or anything. Just focus on giving yourself time to heal and hold off on making any harsh judgements until ur hormone stable out some. Tho that being said:

3: The process as a whole is not as scary as you might think, drains aren’t really that bad, going under isn’t that bad, and recovery isn’t usually that bad either. Everyone’s different but I spent like my first week post-op drugged out on pain meds and sleeping pills in and out of consciousness in a nest of pillows listening to mbmbam and that’s literally a state of bliss I long to return to. So, not that bad.

Hopefully that helps? Good luck getting top surgery and good luck with the procedure when it happens

[compassionatereminders]

Sorry about this I just really need to rant, Im gonna put a tw on this just in case bc idk what Im gonna say but Im so fucking angery >:( i have like 4 or 5 undiagnosed, completely untreated mental health things Including psychosis/schizospec, like am out here no meds no therapy bc services have been refusing to see me since i was like 13 (now 18) my mother refuses to believe me that im psychotic/schizospec and blames it on my vitamins/hormones/whatever, doesnt understand anything (1/?) - 🌟

“outside of her little narrow wellbeing "depression/anxiety" boxes, like those things suck and theyre super difficult, im just saying she doesnt understand there are other things. My dad is a fucking asshole, he makes me fun of me all the time for not being able to do simple things like get out of bed or taking forever to complete simple tasks like laundry (adhd/exec dysfunction), and he's even worse to my sister (autistic/adhd) and it just makes me so fucking angry like leave us alone!!”

“my now ex-boyfriend recently broke up w me for like the 3rd or 4th time which is a major struggle bc i also have boderline pd and we were together for p much like 2 years on and off and he said he never really liked me romantically this whole time, and I love him as a person but i also just wanna snap him like a glowstick because What The Fuck??? Took you two fucking years to figure that shit out????? Yeah whatever, but also he's my best friend so Im splitting on Him really badly

im just so frustrated because all the bad shit keeps happening to me like nothing remotely good that happens to me ever lasts and all the shitty things like the trauma and the abuse and the mental illness seems to Stick im just so tired, im so tired of screaming into the void that i want to be loved im so tired of begging to be treated like a real person by the people I love, is it too much to ask that something good Just Happens like it seems to Just Happen to everybody else?? 

is that selfish??? Is that unrealistic??? I dont know, I dont know anymore. Im so sorry for dumping all of this on you, I know you have ur own problems too so you can ignore all this if u want I just needed to Rant about it somewhere instead of just screaming into the void i needed someone to listen but u dont have to respond thats okay. I hope ur doing okay!! Ur drawings are very cute btw, keep practicing ur doing so well!!”  

It’s not selfish and unrealistic to want good things to happen - and while you may not see how or when right now, I am sure that good things WILL start happening at some point if you keep doing your best to cope and move forward. Your current situation is not your final destination and change is one of the only guarantees in life - so even if everything sucks right now, most of the things you’re struggling with at the moment is temporary. Try to hold onto that. 

According the lack of mental health care, have you looked into your options for seeking out mental health care on your own without involving your parents now where you’re a legal adult? As far as I’m aware, in most places child mental health services and adult mental health services are separate, meaning that even if child mental health services rejected you for years, that doesn’t necessarily equal that the adult mental health services will do the same thing. I definitely recommend looking into this if you haven’t already!

I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles with your parents and your ex boyfriend! It’s not easy to cope with mental illness, and facing judgment and ignorance from your loved ones definitely doesn’t make it any easier. Your ex honestly sounds like an asshole, and while you may still love him, this doesn’t automatically mean that he deserves anymore of your time. If you’ve been on and off for years and he hasn’t been willing or able to commit or even genuinely care, I think the best thing you can do is work towards moving on.

All in all this sounds like a real shitty and toxic situation and I am so sorry that you have to struggle through all this bullshit. It really isn’t fair. But please don’t let your current struggles convince you that it’s selfish or wrong to want to feel better, or that getting better is a hopeless project cause it isn’t. It may be hard and it may take time, but you deserve better and I promise you that if you keep pushing through and working on yourself, things will eventually improve.

[scornedlove]

Chapter Three

ROBYN

Christian Mattias Brown-Fenty. Although I couldn’t bring myself to talk to or even look at Chris, I wanted our baby to have a part of both of us. He was so handsome and everything I imagined him to be. Even though I was miserable and depressed, he brought a smile to my face, even through the tears. I sang to him, talked to him, and I couldn’t stop kissing him. It was hard saying goodbye, especially when I never even got the chance to see his eyes and his smile.

Besides the pain, I was stable so I was released the same day.  The hospital arranged a funeral for us the next day and I was more than grateful that my mom and Melanie were there to support me. When I did steal a glance at Chris, he was completely out of it. He looked about as bad as I did. His mom was right by his side so he had the support he needed as well. 

The funeral was over and we were all leaving when Chris approached me. He reached out and grabbed my arm with his ice cold fingers. “Rob-” he started to say but an uncontrollable sob took over instead. That’s when I realized as much pain, hurt, and anger I had inside of me, it didn’t compare to the love I still had for him. I wrapped my arms around his torso and shared his pain for a moment before saying a final goodbye.

A few days later, an officer stopped by to get an official accident report. I was in no mood to talk to anyone, especially about what happened. I was still hoping this was a long drawn out nightmare and I would wake up any minute. I did my best at pulling myself together because I knew that I had to take care of this eventually, might as well get it out the way now.

“Officer Hawks is here, are you ready for me to send him up?” Mel asked sympathetically. “If you aren’t up to it today, I can tell him to come some other time” she added.

“No, lets get it over with” I responded shaking my head and taking a deep breath, trying to prepare myself. I’ve been a complete mess and didn’t have the strength or energy to pretend otherwise. A few moments went by before he appeared in the doorway. He was about six foot tall with brown hair and eyes, and compassion written all over his face. 

“Ms. Fenty?” he asked and I nodded while trying to stand. “Just take it easy, you don’t even have to move, I’ll come to you” he smiled sticking out his hand for me to shake. “I’m detective Hawks. I’ve been working on your case for the past few days-” he started to say and I abruptly interrupted. 

“Thank you for coming and all, but couldn’t you have done this over the phone?” I asked shortly.

“What do you mean?” he frowned his face in confusion.

“I mean” I replied “you coulda just wrote me a ticket and sent it in the mail. I shouldn’t have been driving. I know it was a stupid decision, but Chris bailed on me last minute. I should’ve just canceled the appointment and now my baby is gone” tears began to well up.

“Ms. Fenty, the accident wasn’t your fault” he explained. He sat down next to me on the couch and pulled out a video on his phone. “There was another vehicle involved. They ran a red light, knocking you into the next lane, and causing you to get rear ended by the oncoming vehicle in that lane.” 

I sighed feeling relief and anger wash over me all in the same breath. “So you caught the guy?” I asked sniffling tears back. 

“Not yet, judging by the video, it looks intentional. Is there anyone who would want to harm you?”

“No” I replied scrunching my face to think as hard as I could.

“I know it may be hard remembering what happened right before you were out, but do you recall anything?” he asked, encouraging me to think harder.

“Bits and pieces come back and I remember why I was in a rush, but that’s all. I’m sorry” I replied getting frustrated with myself. “What kind of heartless bastard leaves a crash like that?”

“Unfortunately, a lot. He could have been driving drunk or anything” he explained. “I just want you to know that we will get him. Call me if you remember anything, day or night.” He gave me his card, then gave my hand a squeeze before leaving.

CHRIS

It’s almost been two weeks since I buried my first son and I was still in shock. It all happened too quickly. One minute I’m astonished and elated all at once, I was having a baby with the love of my life. Then, in the next breath he’s snatched from me and my heart is broken. It was way too much to process. I felt like God was dangling the life I could’ve had in front of my face while laughing at me. On top of being in mourning, K was being bitchier and the nagging was getting worse every day.

“Chris did you hear me?” K asked, snatching me from my daze. We were on yet another one of her craving runs. She was going on and on about something while she smacked on her burger and fries but I was completely tuned out.

“My bad” I replied, facing her so she could tell I was paying attention.

“I was talking to mom and she plans on driving down here tomorrow, since we’re due next week” she announced in between bites. “We also finally decided on her name”

“Chris?” she called out again and I realized just that quickly I was in another daze. We were pulling up to the house now so I used that as my opportunity to get away for a moment. 

“Look, I just need a minute to myself, I’m going to head to the studio for a few hours but I won’t be out too late” I explained while reaching over and opening her doorknob. She continued to sit there, staring at me as if I was crazy.

“You don’t have to be a fucking asshole all the time. I get that you miss her but it’s not my fault she didn’t want your ass” she hissed. I didn’t have the energy to argue so I didn’t say a single word as she excited the car. I made sure she got inside safely, then quickly sped off.

When I pulled up to the studio, I checked the numerous messages she sent out of anger.

You’re an asshole

U should appreciate the only person who truly gives af about you

I thought you were done with the sulking shit over someone who clearly moved on with their life

You could’ve at least told me happy birthday today

I sent her a happy birthday text to shut her up, then turned my phone off and tossed it in the passenger seat. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with raging hormones at the moment. In fact, I wasn’t in the mood for anything but painting. So that’s what I did. I shut the world out for the next few hours while I let my hands take over the canvas.

By the time I made it back home, K had packed the few things she had brought over and went back home. She left a note saying how she thought this was what she wanted, thought it could’ve worked out better than it did, and since I was stuck on Robyn that it wouldn’t and she couldn’t take it any longer. She said she would let me know when the baby was here, but wanted nothing to do with me.

“No complaints this way” I mumbled tossing the letter to the side.

The next day, I dreaded going into the office because I had been gone a few days. I had a summer class that was starting soon so I had to prepare the lessons.

“Mr. Williams is in your office. He’s been waiting about twenty minutes, said it’s urgent” Tina informed me while handing me a cup of coffee. Thankfully, she’s been all work, no play since she stepped out of bounds with that comment, I haven’t been in the mood for anyone’s bullshit lately. Especially people who don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.

I nodded thanks and picked up my pace. Mr. Williams was the private investigator I hired to find Michele a couple of months ago. Hopefully he has good news for me. I’m ready to do with her once and for all. She’s cost me too many things I care dearly for.

“You look like shit” he greeted me honestly as soon as I walked in.

“Feel like it too, what you got for me?” I asked getting straight to business.

“I got what you want to hear” he began, pulling out a large manila folder.

He found out she was staying in Virginia again. She had a small apartment and lived alone. She was working at a hole in the wall strip joint and was barely keeping up with her bills. Her mom died last year from lung cancer, leaving her with a bunch of debt. No wonder she had come crawling from under that rock. She had blown through the hush money and was looking for more. Apparently she threatened mama and when she didn’t get anything from us, she decided to fuck my life up like hers.

“Did you do that thing like I asked?” I quizzed and he tossed a key on my desk.

“She works everyday 8-3am. I watched her for a month. She’s the only one that comes and goes, like clockwork. No friends, no boyfriend, nobody since her mother died apparently.

“Thanks for your help, here’s the other half” I replied handing him a white envelope. He scanned it, nodded, then tucked it in his jacket. 

“Let me know if you need anything else” he added before disappearing out the door.

As soon as he was gone, I booked my flight to Virginia for the weekend. Karma had some work to do and I was going to be her assistant.

[artsy--fartsy1]

Journal ramble entry#1

i know have depression and anxiety and i shoulD probably go seee my therapist but i kinda like it in a way like its my comfort zone. i know i should go get help so i stop feeling so anxious and come up with new ways to kill myslef. or just reigate my favourite way . things are finally starting to get kinda good but then i just push everyone away and get mad at them till imlonely again so then I’m sad again since things are kinda getting good i should be feeling good too but i don’t i feel more suciddal , anxious, and then i have in a long time i just don’t like it butiit s= my friend my only friend i just feel so drained and fed up all the time and bored with life  i take my ani=xiety pills but i don’t think they work conse=idering how many i take and i have to wait for the date where i can get more and I’ve usually run out before then so have withdrawal kinda where i feel worst ugh i m the worst i hate myself i wish i was skinny i wish i weigh less then 40kg i wish i just bones i wish i dead i wish i wasn’t needy at the moment i didn’t fantase about ending up in hospital for some reason and break something just for the attention I’m just so fat and ugly nobody loves or likes they just have cause they’re my and want something from me i don’t understand why they like i don’t even like me i want to do alll the things I’m supposed to do but i prefer to to just give and wollaw in my pit of dispear just liave bye alone stupid people I’m crying all the time now its not like me unless its my hormones but still its stupid and annoying like evertyinthg else I’m fed up oh god I’m gonna cry again my inside hurts i even have the engird to cry i want them to leave me alone but don’t want them to leave me alone ill ignore your message s hoping you’ll go away but i don’t want you to go away cause you make happy and sad anebverything  in-between but there i go again getting too attached getting too needy way too fast i want you pay attention to me and reply to my every message but i don’t want you focussing on me i want you talking about yourself but not too much but talking about me when I’m doing but just don’t no you stupid little shit hwyd you have to and do that why’d you send me messages then don’t why why why cry sad die i wanna be better for you be ma=y better self hwoi used to be i trying i  really am but its hard and i can’t so i give up you make me happy but I’m so needy and too involved in this way tooo much way too early that i get sad when igte no attention but then you’re there again hwy won’t you just o away you and t=your stupid beautiful ugly face i could just kiss slap you now but no its supposed to be perfect but I’m stilll recovering from all wounds making moving hard na adheres the pains again right on queue and dead tired sleep akey sad fed up and i check again and sigh still nothing i wonder why listen to your heart, kill yourself lol love it what you wanna be for halloween, dead lol i’m damaged. fucked up. broken. damn right i am love tumblr depression they have the best shit i can’t make the plans tonight that i kinda maybe said i’d go to but didn’t want to be my better said i did sorry not sorry i feel like crap best excuse i have given up can you stop trying to make me better maybe i don’t want to do something better with my life maybe i love the depression and the hopelessness and everything inbetweeen that comes with it ugh you just don’t understand maybe just want to till someone i have depression without them automatically asking how they can help or passing it off as some made up shitty illness for attention or an excuse or something maybe i just want to tae a mental health month whenever i feel like and just lay about not doing anything and here comes the hurtful pains in my chest again do do do oh oh oh its magic you know never believe its not so its magic you know never believe its snow duh duh duh duh we bare bears wink smile we bare bears duh jump that corner duh fish duh we bare bears we be there i need to turn the lights off but i have no energy i planned to get shitfaced tonight just to make me seem i don’t know overthinking is my worst gift its killing me literally reasons to live none comes to mind apart from my pets there the first and only thing i don’t feel so good i’m dead inside but i love nature I’m clingy leave i’m sad please leave i fall too fast and get too attached just leave my life is a mess JSUT LEAVE i’d rather sit alone that with people i dislike JUST FUCKIJNG LEAVE WHY WON”T YOU LEAVE i’m sorry LEAVe GOD DAMN IT don’t leave please don’t leave just please don’t leave me cry when i’m alone I’ve have dangerous thoughts or what some might call dangerous i call creative fun my middle name is danger but you spell r u t h lol cry die bye die i’m not living, I’m just killing time love it life is painful just wanna go somewhere where no one knows my name

[julystorms]

Oversharing

Tagged: by @poolsidescientist who is a cool bean!

Rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose however many people you want to tag!

LAST… [1] drink: black tea [2] phone call: health insurance card activation line lmao [3] text message: future mother-in-law [4] song you listened to: Honey, Let Me Sing You a Song (Matt Hires) [5] time you cried: i don’t remember [6] dated someone twice: ???? what does this even mean in context last dated someone twice?? is this supposed to be a have you ever list? i’m marrying someone i dated 3 or 4 times so. [7] been cheated on: n/a [8] kissed someone and regretted it: n/a [9] lost someone special: it’s been some years [10] been depressed: comes with depression idk [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: n/a

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS [12] green [13] purple [14] peacock blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yeah [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: yes [18] found out someone was talking about you: people are always talking who cares [19] met someone who changed you: yes [20] found out who your true friends are: uhh idk sure [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: i guess technically who fucking uses facesbook tho

GENERAL… [22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: i’ve met quite a few irl. [23] do you have any pets: eight cats [24] do you want to change your name: yeah tbh [25] what did you do for your last birthday: not a damn thing and it was great [26] what time did you wake up: 6am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: trying to sleep [28] name something you cannot wait for: the weekend [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: christmas :( [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: wish i wasn’t in pain all the time and that my arms worked right [31] what are you listening to right now: someone’s heater [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: i used to have a work buddy named tom and i had a mad crush on him for some reason [33] something that is getting on your nerves: i’m pretty okay right now tbh [35] elementary: i forged notes to get out of having to go to recess. [36] high school: i barely remember it [37] college: i liked most of my classes [38] hair colour: blonde but more like a weird brown these days? idk. [39] long or short hair: shorter hair, i miss having long hair but it’ll take years to grow it out again. [40] do you have a crush on someone: the guy i’m gonna marry lmao [41] what do you like about yourself: i’m not a complete idiot

[42] piercings: none

[43] blood type: i have no idea [44] nickname: manna is a nickname but i use it daily [45] relationship status: engaged [46] zodiac sign: leo [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: don’t ask me to pick [49] tattoos: none yet [50] right or left handed: right but i do a lot left handed since it’s a stronger hand

FIRST… [51] surgery: oral surgery to remove a badly fucked up wisdom tooth? sorta? i had to go to an oral surgeon for it but i wasn’t put under. [52] piercing: none [53] best friend: my cousin brianna we were born 2 weeks apart and were close for a while. [55] vacation: i went to virginia to visit a friend in 2005 does that count [56] pair of trainers: the fuck kinda question is this they make these for infants

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: tea still [59] I’m about to: do my inventory tickets [60] listening to: heater... [61] waiting for: the day to end [62] want: to go home and nap [63] get married: ????????? this doesn’t make sense in context??? got a few weeks left before i’m married [64] career: where i’m at is fine

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: who gives a shit [68] older or younger: i’ve already had my midlife crisis [69] romantic or spontaneous: neither [70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms [71] sensitive or loud: middle ground [72] hook up or relationship: relationships [73] troublemaker or hesitant: the fuck does this mean

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? no [75] drank hard liquor? define ‘drink’ i’ve tried a lot of shit and most of it is nasty af [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? no [77] turned someone down: yes [78] sex on first date? hell fuckin no [79] broken someone’s heart? yeah several times (i’m sorry) [80] had your own heart broken? yes [81] been arrested? no [82] cried when someone died? i cried before they died if that counts [83] fallen for a friend? yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? i’m a boss ass bitch [85] miracles?  not the standard definition of the word, no [86] love at first sight? those are hormones i don’t happen to have so not for me, no [87] santa claus? never believed that lie and won’t perpetuate it either. [88] kiss on the first date? it’s up to the people involved [89] angels?  idk i mean the bible definition isn’t some touched by an angel shit but i’d probably prefer the latter it’s way sweeter but anyway...

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: i don’t believe in having one bff that’s bullshit. [91] eye colour: some awful blue color  [92] favourite movie: i always say Ever After but idk i have a lot of favorites.

Tagging: anyone 20 years old or younger if you see  this and want to do it. say i tagged u so i can read ur thing.

[wp-yahoo-style-1042-yahoopa-blog]

Even Gigi Hadid gets body-shamed — Here's why it needs to stop

It’s pretty universally accepted that body-shaming isn’t OK, but unfortunately, people still do it — and sometimes in a very public way.

Gigi Hadid is the latest celebrity to speak out after being body-shamed, addressing people who claim she’s gotten “too skinny.” In a series of tweets on Sunday, Hadid answered people who have been calling her out for her weight, citing her battle with Hashimoto’s disease.

For those of you so determined to come up w why my body has changed over the years, you may not know that when I started @ 17 I was not yet diagnosed w/Hashimoto’s disease; those of u who called me “too big for the industry” were seeing inflammation & water retention due to that.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Over the last few years I’ve been properly medicated to help symptoms including those, as well as extreme fatigue, metabolism issues, body’s ability to retain heat, etc … I was also part of a holistic medical trial that helped my thyroid levels balance out.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Although stress & excessive travel can also affect the body, I have always eaten the same, my body just handles it differently now that my health is better. I may be “too skinny” for u, honestly this skinny isn’t what I want to be, but I feel healthier internally and (cont)

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

(cont) am still learning and growing with my body everyday, as everyone is.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

I will not further explain the way my body looks, just as anyone, with a body type that doesnt suit ur “beauty” expectation, shouldnt have to. Not to judge others, but drugs are not my thing, stop putting me in that box just because u dont understand the way my body has matured.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Please, as social media users & human beings in general, learn to have more empathy for others and know that you never really know the whole story. Use your energy to lift those that you admire rather than be cruel to those u don’t.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Hadid is not the only celebrity who has been body-shamed while struggling with an illness. Actress Sarah Hyland wrote on Twitter in May that she hasn’t “had the greatest year” and pointed out that her weight has fluctuated in the past as a result of a kidney transplant in 2012. However, she didn’t give specifics on whether that was linked to her current health issues. “I will say that this year brought a lot of changes and with that, physical changes,” she continued. “I am not a fan of ‘being skinny.’ Which many of you have told me that I am too much of. ‘Eat a burger,’ ‘your head is bigger than your body and that’s disgusting.’ And you’re right! I should eat a burger! ‘Cause they’re fucking delicious! But guess what. I do.” Hyland also said that she’d “basically been on bed rest for the past few months,” causing her to lose a lot of muscle mass. “My circumstances have put me in a place where I’m not in control of what my body looks like. So I strive to be as healthy as possible, as everyone should. Oh, and no, that’s not Photoshop. Those are my legs. Those are my arms,” she said. Hyland added that “no one should aim to be the weight that I am at right now” and that, while she’s not thrilled with the way her body looks, it’s due to her health—and she can’t please everyone.

My story as of now. Part 1. pic.twitter.com/6kWlnxgjIb

— Sarah Hyland (@Sarah_Hyland) May 24, 2017

In 2015, breast cancer survivor and E! host Giuliana Rancic told People that she was accused of having an eating disorder after a weight loss, which she attributed to a cancer-suppressing medication. “It’s really hurtful,” she said. “I’m sorry that some people think I’m disgustingly skinny, as they put it, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m lucky that I even have the type of cancer that reacts to the medicine.” She added that it’s hard for her to look in the mirror at times. “I am really thin,” Rancic said. “I want to look fit and beautiful and sexy, and I can’t.”

Of course, people have been body-shamed for gaining weight when they have an illness as well as for losing weight. In 2017, actress Sasha Pieterse revealed on Dancing with the Stars that she had gained nearly 70 pounds over two years due to polycystic ovary syndrome. “[It was] one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through,” she said at the time. “I had no idea what was going on, and I didn’t have any way of solving it.” Pieterse also said it was “really hurtful” when people would call her “fat” or assume she was pregnant. “They were angry. They were mad I looked like this,” she said. The actress also addressed the matter on Instagram in 2015.

To my incredible and loving fans, Words cannot express how amazed I am by you! I’m so thankful for the affection you have for me, Alison, and Pretty Little Liars! We/I wouldn’t be able to make it happen without you! I get to do what I love every single day because of you guys! As a lot of you have noticed my body has gone through some changes, and I want to clear the air and give you an explanation. I have been facing a bad hormone imbalance that has thrown my body completely out of whack. I want to assure you that I’m healthy and getting everything back on track! A big thanks to all of you who have been in my corner! We live in such a judge mental society that puts every kind of flaw, including weight gain, in the same category. And for those of you who are struggling with any health problem, hormone imbalance, and weight gain of any sort I urge and encourage you to please deal with it in a healthy manor. YOU and YOUR health are what matters, not anyone else’s opinions and assumptions of you. Getting healthy isn’t just about working out and eating right (however extremely important) it’s also about surrounding yourself with those who care about you and want to see you succeed and become the best you can be. I love every single one of you and I hold you all dear to my heart! Xoxoxox Sasha

A post shared by Sasha Pieterse (@sashapieterse27) on Jun 9, 2015 at 10:15pm PDT

  Clearly, body-shaming isn’t OK under any circumstances, whether someone is struggling with an illness or not. But it can be pretty difficult to deal with being shamed and deal with an illness at the same time, psychologist and body image expert Sari Shepphird, PhD, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “It’s hard enough to feel like anyone can relate to you when you have a serious illness,” she says. “You already feel like you’re not yourself, and dealing with body-shaming can tear a person down tremendously.”

“In general, body-shaming ‘devalues’ people and reduces their self-worth down to their outward appearance,” Tom Hildebrandt, PsyD, chief of the Division of Eating Disorders at Mount Sinai Health System, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. If you’re struggling with an illness on top of that, it can make someone feel worse about themselves at a time when they may already be having difficulty with body changes they’re going through, he says — and that can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and problems with eating.

If you’re body-shamed, Hildebrandt recommends treating the comments like a racial slur — that is, something that’s incredibly offensive and wrong. For some reason, body-shaming is seen as somehow more acceptable than other forms of bullying, and it’s important to show people that it’s actually not. “People should be held accountable,” he says. “There’s no context where body-shaming is useful or healthy.”

If your body has changed due to an illness, you can mention that in your response to try to enlighten your critic, or not — it’s ultimately up to you, Jennifer Carter, PhD, a sports psychologist who specializes in eating disorders at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. However, some people use it as a teaching moment to educate people about their illness, which can have a profound effect on shamers — and even get some to apologize, she says.

But again, your response (or lack thereof) is your choice. “You have the right to your own body and to do what you please,” Shepphird says.

Read more from Yahoo Lifestyle: 

How to get over a person who ghosts you 

What is Hashimoto’s disease, the weight-related condition Gigi Hadid suffers from? 

Energy drinks are still killing kids in America

Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter for nonstop inspiration delivered fresh to your feed, every day.