#or i'd have to shame myself for caring about it bc so many people shame me for caring about it

[bubtans]

gonna unfollow all my topics on twitter when i get back except for cats and Buny so i can choose peace and no longer think about how much fandoms hate women!!! i'm choosing growth and healing!!!

[racheljoyscott]

Hey i love your blog<3

Do you know how to make friends , i got bullied in 8th grade by my group of friends because i defended a girl from being body shamed and i lost all my confidence to talk to people and making friends im a freshman going into sophomore year and i want to make friends this upcoming school year<3 i’ve been inspired by rachel to become more friendly like she was for the upcoming school year like reaching out to people bc ik whats it’s like to be bullied but i get really scared to talk to people bc i feel like im gonna get judged💜

Hey Anon! Glad you came across my page. I'll give you two sets of advice, my own and what I think Rachel would tell you.

You are almost the age I was when I started this blog so many years ago! I still, to this day, am thankful every single day that I learned of Rachel's story. I found her at the most pivotal stage in my teenage development. It shaped me more than I can express, and she completely altered my character progression. Rachel is extremely inspiring. Just listen to her stories and I promise it'll have some good effect on you. It's worth every second.

With that being said, this is my advice. The hard truth is, there will always be mean people tearing you down. Whether it's mean girls at school, a mean boss, or even your roommates in college. To make friends, be yourself. Learning to follow your own interests and live through your values will take you so much farther in life. And you'll be happier. Friends will come. I didn't have many friends in middle school or for a good chunk of high school. But looking back, I think I was better off having my few close friends than forcing friendships with the popular kids. Be a friend to everyone (with limits), but don't worry too much about having/not having friends. I promise you, being yourself and being kind to all people will give you confidence and bring you so much value to your future self. I think these early years are really impactful on your future. Put good out there, build a foundation for your career, and do your best in school. But given you are already following Rachel's footsteps, I'd say you're on a very good path :)

Based on what I know about Rachel, I'd say she'd be proud of you for sticking up for that girl! Please, please, never let other girls, especially mean or judgemental girls, take away any bit of sparkle or strength you have. If you are already using your voice for good and to help others so young, keep making it stronger. No matter what you say, you'll learn someone has an issue with it or judge you for it. Everyone has a bit of social anxiety when it comes to things like this. Especially at your age in high school. To combat it, Rachel wore really funky and eccentric outfits that kind of forced her to get used to discomfort and judgement. (Also because she was really cool!) To combat mine, I learned that people don't remember or care nearly as much as you do when you think you embarrass yourself. I even think of Rachel when I have trouble approaching someone. Because really, you never know what people are thinking or going through. She asked God to use her to reach out to people and to help others. Maybe that person sitting alone wants someone to sit with them, or maybe they don't! But it's for you to find out. Either you make a friend in the process, or learn more and more on how to approach people and make small talk. Life's all about chances but they're usually worth taking.

My advice to overcome the fear of being judged is to do your best. Whenever I fear how I'm being perceived or judged, I tell myself I did the best I could today. Even if I did screw up, at least I helped someone out. I was kind to a stranger. I put a smile on someone's face. Held a door open. Etc. At least I tried to be good and did something small to positively impact the people around me. Because truly, that's all that matters. And that's all because I found Rachel's story. :)

Please reach out to me if you ever need anything else, and I encourage you to use my blog to learn more about Rachel. She was always a friend when I didn't have one. There is truly so much you can learn from her! Good luck! xx

[ghostblogging]

it's really funny to wake up to an opus dei post on my dash when the dream I had just woken up from was a catholic stress dream

under cut bc I know dreams are boring also mild tw bc yeah

almost all of my stress dreams & nightmares tend to follow a similar logic. I am a teen and back home, though for some reason I typically remember my adult experiences & everyone acts as if I have prodigal-son-style returned from some period of godless exile. despite being younger I am inexplicably still a girl, and everyone either treats me like one with all the awful expectations & roles that comes with or ignores it and genders me male anyway. this dream was the latter

I am at mass with my mother and father. this is the third time since i've "come back" and I am not used to being back in mass yet. I sorely miss having the sunday all to myself, to be as lazy as I want with it, but that's not important right now.

the church is massive and strange--bookshelves stand scattered amongst the pews in strange geometric patterns. hundreds are seated and the place is arranged in a labyrinth of ramps and half-walls such that everyone can see and hear the priest but finding a way to the altar is difficult. None of this is important or notable right now though, because communion is about to start.

I have not taken communion the previous two times I have been to the church. need time to really process the gravity of it, purify myself, get in the right mindset to accept God into my body, was what I said to everyone afterwards.

that excuse worked fine for the first mass, but by the second I could tell people were starting to notice. I saw the judging glares, heard the whispers (for shame), already had an inkling what people were saying. just what the hell was the deal with me was a frequent topic of conversation, one I had walked in on or overhead accidentally many times. I did not care anymore (not sweating. not shaking).

what had me worried was my mother. she was starting to get antsy, and at the rate she was going soon enough she might even stir my father. I had to take the communion this time. I just had to go and take it and not think about it. I didn't care to begin with so thinking about it was unnecessary. It would be easy(---). I just had to--

the priest made the announcement. the order of the ceremony was broken up by hundreds standing at once and attempting to make their way through the maze of bookshelves and pews. this is my chance. in the confusion I run off, turn into the crowd and walk myself into corners and twisting crannies in the building, trying to catch a breath of fresh air outside. figure if I can get myself lost enough I can lie, say I did it, they just lost sight of me in the crowd.

why am I doing this? it would be so easy to just (dirty--) take the communion. why didn't I just do that (dirty! dirty!!) the last two times to begin with. it wasn't like I believed He was really in there anymore, was it? shit, even if I believed it, I'd done worse (fucking filthy) before.

I can barely find time to step outside much less feel guilty about the whole thing, though. I feel my mother's hand on my shoulder. she looks betrayed in that sadistic way of hers. what was I doing? why did I go outside? the communion was abt to end, was I meaning to not take it?

she looks about to cry. I feign sadness and confusion, and do not feign panic. I am about to miss it? I just--just got lost. I can go to the priest and take it after mass, still? yeah?

I don't really ever get lost, not like that, but at that age everyone thought I did. it was a convenient enough excuse for when I didn't want to be somewhere, and I was airheaded and disorganized enough for people to believe it. she buys it, only because it is an explanation that makes me look stupid.

...the mass ends soon enough, and after everyone has dispersed me and my parents make our way over to the priest. the priest is, for the record, a gentle, kindly, fraying old man. you have to shout a little for him to hear you, but he is patient and thoughtful and his heart is in the right place. among his station he is one of the scant few I genuinely respect, maybe even admire. is that why I didn't (fuck. fuck.) take the communion? because I couldn't stand to look him in the eye? this man knew all my impure thoughts (fucking filthy) and how often I indulged them. how many times I lied. how ardently I hated and who I hurt in anger. how many times a week I masturbated (can't scrub it off!! fuck!). And he must've heard I was away, indulging in that sin (sick fucking transvestite). He had to know, he had to know I wasn't clean (...)

my parents are still watching. I swallow my pride, give my excuse. the priest has to lean in. oh! yes, it's a common problem, that church really is so confusingly built. no need for worry! he happens to have a bit of the consecrated host left yet, and he can adminster it right now.

I--I accept it out of his hand. easy. it should be easy. of course, it isn't. the host, once thin and easily dissolved, feels now in my mouth thick, hard, overlarge, clumsy. I can't swallow it down and I can't chew it either somehow. as if God himself is rejecting my (disgusting perverted dirty hellbound) fucking body. I--that's just my imagination. it's not true. it can't be true.

I look my mother in the eye. is she noticing the host rejecting me, or is she noticing my panicked guilt? it doesn't matter. she knows. she knows I'm impured. she has that pathetic, wet-eyed, betrayed look in her eyes that tells me I am getting a beating tonight. my dad just stares dumbfoundedly. fuck, forgive me for saying this, he has such an idiotic goddamn face. I can never tell when he's furious and when he's just fucking confused. I hope to god it's the latter. Though my mother beats me and punishes me far more often--and for far longer, some of her longer beatings necessitate water breaks or even sleep breaks--his explosive fits of anger are far more violent, and far more dangerous. I worry he's going to kill me with one one of these days. I somehow managed to swallpw it down, but the host still roils in my stomach, a familiar pain in my guts slowly building.

if I really am getting beat tonight, I can at least hope it's not by him. just by my mother. almost pleasant, in comparison, to hear her snarl through gritted teath and pouring tears how much she fucking hates me, how much I fucking hurt her, how much I deserve hell for what I've done. see her look at me like I am a fucking slug, a worm, a piece of shit in the living room carpet. feel the belt, or maybe the glass, or the stick, or her hands, or whatever was fucking within reach that would hurt I really don't mind, as long as it's just her. not even when she makes me get naked. it's at most a little embarassing, I swear, and that's so much better than anything he would do.

I am quiet on the walk home. I want to choke to death then and there My mother looks back at me, feigning innocence. why are you not talking? oh, I say. just meditating, you know? trying to keep in mind that I have just accepted God's own body, his holy light into my simple flesh. trying to respect the gravity of what I've just done.

[dyemelikeasunset]

Dom-kinnie again! After that last comic... *Woah.* I didn't think I'd be able to relate to Dom this much! If you don't mind, I'd like to ask - and it's totally fine if you're not comfortable answering! I was just curious about smth that was brought up, NSFW UP AHEAD - I'm also Asian, and I was raised with very conservative views on sex and sexuality. Recently in my young-adulthood, I've been reevaluating my feelings on the matter and what brings me pleasure (pt.1)

(pt.2) While I don't actively participate, I've found that I can *potentially* find more satisfaction (and fun!) in pleasuring my partner - and that I don't really care about achieving orgasms. How do I know if my feelings are truly *my own* authentically, and not smth born out of social expectations? As in, was I giving in to the harmful conditioning to NOT expect to receive pleasure, or do I truly find personal gratification in making my partner feel good?

HI I honestly don't mind talking about these things. I think being open and honest about sexuality is really important!!

Gonna put this under a read more tho cause it's long as usual

Healthy discussions of sexuality are part of why i started this comic actually!! Recently I finally figured out Dom & Mor's sexual chemistry after like. lol. 15+ years??? And I realized I just had a lot to say. I wanted to portray something candid, relatable, a little educational without being dry-- and ultimately, I wanted to share something human. I'm actually really happy it could touch you this way

Everyone has different experiences that affect their sexuality-- it's the "nature" vs "nurture" argument. And while I know it can be kinda creepy when cishet people ask us about that topic, I think it's important to muse on for our own internal work.

But ultimately, I can't give you any answers-- even though I'm also an ace asian my experiences are very different from yours. I do think many asian cultures (at least east asian, which i am) have shame-related thoughts around sexuality, but there's also a weird undercurrent of hypersexuality as well-- like pressurized steam shooting out of the crack of a sealed container. I went through quite a hypersexual era in my teens and early 20s bc I needed the unhealthy validation and ended up hurting myself A LOT bc I didn't know I was ace. I won't go into it too much, but it was rough and I was really pulled into the exotification of east asian women by U.S culture (also didn't realize i wasn't 100% woman back then either so you can IMAGINE the negative impact it had on me)

But I will say that what you're experiencing-- and what I wrote into Dom-- is something called Lithosexuality, or "Stone" sexuality. In the lesbian community specifically, it's very often associated with the Stone Butch identity, and is an identity that I would also call a "service top." There's a lot of weird pushback against lithosexuality in the wlw community-- along with their counterparts, either High Femmes or the "notorious" Pillow Princesses-- and like honestly I don't get it. People are picky and clique-y about the most specific shit.

This might sound weird, but I actually really wanted to portray a healthy litho top in Dom, like someone who really thrives with a partner who doesn't force her to be pleasured. And that's the thing, is litho came about in the first place because of things like ace/sexual relationships, or trans people with really bad body dysphoria, or like... ANYTHING. It's a valid existence and it's actually really fulfilling for some people!! Sex is weird, it's not straight-forward, and you don't have to tick every box.

Yeah there are a lot of reasons it might have happened, but I also truly honestly believe it doesn't NEED to be psychoanalyzed. So while I can't tell you what's causing your gravitation towards it, I WILL tell you that it's okay. It's fine. If you change your mind in the future that's fine too. But if it feels comfortable and right in this moment I really think there's nothing wrong with it, and nothing wrong with you

[slocumjoe]

Lots of Isadora thoughts and lore, brought on by tinkering with her story and character. Complete rambling as thoughts come to me with little interconnection, featuring Danse romance. RoDanse? RoDanse. This is purely for myself because I needed to word vomit as a treat but I've been neglecting my dear Isadora on this blog so I thought I'd share aforementioned thoughts

I think the most missed opportunity with the wasteland is the conversation about conservationalism and the discussion around humans being a parasite that the world is better off without

Like. Lions are extinct in Fallout, among many other creatures. China also got nuked, if I remember correctly. So, two of the biggest continents/countries were completely destroyed. You can see the damage done to the environment.

This is a half-baked thought, but I've seen other people float the idea of the Sole Survivor wondering about the upsides of the destruction of humanity. Recently rbed a post calling it "setting back to zero".

For Isadora, her trauma/Thing has always been that she never felt she belonged or even really liked the world she was in, thinking it shallow and plastic and ultimately doomed behind the lovely curtains it put up to keep up appearances. I can imagine her looking at the wasteland and thinking no, this is better, this is what the world needed, and then immediately feeling terrible for thinking it.

Now, fuck the idea that humans are the problem. Governments, capitalism, the money hoarding fuckheads we call CEOs and billionaires are what will ultimately doom Earth and society if left to rot it from the inside out. That's what happened in fallout; it was ultimately a scuffle over lack of resources, money. The big companies starting looking down the barrel of wastefulness and overconsumption and instead of pulling back, they wanted to fight over what was left. Their armies (bc let's be real, military is a faucet of corporations, not governments, which are also just puppets to aid moneygrubbers) killed everything trying to scrounge what they could.

Isadora remembers how it was, and sees how it is now, and thinks that while everyone else didn't deserve it, the people who caused all of it did. America as a concept was destroyed, and that was a concept worth destroying. Change was impossible with the government of Fallout's America, but with them off the board, people could make something more small-scale and substantial. The greatest flaw of an Empire is thinking it will last forever, when it's built on so many pillars. Just a few pillars, and it all comes crashing. But with localized communities, people have an easier time of taking care of each other without a looming government overhead. There's freedom. Isa would like the lack of government control over every day life, especially in regards to keeping yourself and your community safe.

However, she'd struggle with the sheer amount of death and destruction. Yes, she sees the wasteland not as a wasteland, but as a fertile bed of soil, perfect for growth and rebuilding, but that bed is made of so many dead. It's a giant graveyard. The city she once called Boston, or Cambridge, or Concord, they're called ruins.

She sees her college, C.I.T, once her greatest pride, become her greatest shame, seeing what her peers and eventually, her son, turned it into. She sees her own interviews in burned magazines and wonders how much she's to blame for it all, making war machines that still take lives, even 200+ years later. She sees her quaint bungalow in Sanctuary rusted and decayed, and thinks it looks truer to how it felt living there as an unenthused wife and mother.

The more I think about Isadora, the more I think her pain is a quiet one. How guilty would you feel, if you were glad that the world was nuked and destroyed? How guilty would you feel, feeling finally like the world was one you could live in, at the cost of so much life? Isadora was a soldier. She still is, her life is defined by her murdering other people. She doesn't think much of it, it doesn't hurt her. It never did. She acknowledges that they're people, sentient beings, but even her first kill, she was more proud of the shot than disturbed at the action. That horrifies her, that she isn't horrified. The lack of empathy and care is what freaks her out.

There's a lot of self-concern there. It's useful, but is it good? Is it even okay? She does good things for good reasons, but should she have empathy for the objectively bad people she kills to get things done? Should she always try a different way, or is it worth it to toss a rotten apple away, so to speak? Does she have that authority? Is that for her to decide?

I think that would be why Isa would travel with so many different people. Always looking for people to keep her in check, tell her off, argue. Demand she think differently. Isadora, to some level, doesn't trust herself, knowing this about herself. It's why she gets Gage, wants to learn about him. She wants to understand something she doesn't consider. Raiders are hardly entities to her. They hurt her people, she kills them. She doesn't even feel anger, they're more like pests. They do horrible things, but to her, she doesn't view them as people who make choices; more like creatures that do this because...that's just what they do.

It's not like Isadora is cruel, or doesn't care about people, she just isn't haunted by killing. In the wasteland, people would be accustomed to it, but she feels like it shouldn't be so easy for her. She feels like a hypocrite, talking Danse out of suicide, helping Cait to better her life, getting Preston out of his dangerzone...only to go blow up other people for attacking Tenpines. Isadora dislikes that she has an Us vs Them mentality.

This disconnect would lessen as she developed meaningful relationships with the companions and other people, as well as figure out her footing with Julian (the synth kid, renamed because she never liked the name Shaun anyway). Once she gets an actual connection to the world, rather than being an outsider looking in, she has an easier time empathizing with others in general, especially after the Florage arc and the Gunner vs Minutemen arc, where Gage and Isa have to trust each other, and both prove to be loyal to the other despite everything.

Isadora struggled to connect with herself and others as a consequence, because she never fit in with the mold of society. 1950's America had an aesthetic, and she didn't fit, and was punished for it. She's an androgynous, pansexual, genderqueer poc woman from a low income family in a rich city in a different, often disregarded country. There was little place for her anywhere she went. Even when she excelled in college and the military, everything else about her was politely ignored, as if it would embarrass her to acknowledge it.

Circling back to the first point about the terrible cost of what Isadora sees to be a benefit...Isadora feels more at home in the Commonwealth than she ever did in Brazil or Massachusetts. Much of this is that she's no longer an outsider. Theres no society for her to be alien to. It's a source of shame, but she doesn't miss that society or its people after how she was treated. In the Commonwealth, she's respected. She's a skilled soldier and tactician, she's a local leader who's given everyone homes and cities, she's getting credit for things she never got credit for.

Isa doesn't know, if given the option, if she would turn back time and go back to the old world. This isn't even talking about her husband. Isa never wanted to be a housewife or mom, but she felt so out of place and like she was missing something. Marriage was literally a "may as well" to her. The kid came because Nate wanted it, despite Isadora fearing pregnancy. She put Codsworth together to take care of Shaun because she wasn't sure if she could be a good mom.

And then much later, Shaun turns out to be exactly like his dad. Isa did love her son, even if it wasn't the healthiest home life, but once she saw what he became, what he'd done to the world, what he thought of it and humanity as a whole...that stopped being her kid. That was Nate's kid. Arrogant, so sure himself, so uncaring of anyone else. Isadora lacked connection, Nate lacked kindness. Shaun took after both of them in the worst ways.

With Julian, that's a kid she takes on by choice, not because she feels like she has to, but because she wants to. Julian isn't Shaun, Julian is Julian. He's a troubled young boy she takes under her wing. It's a different situation, but she ends up finding comfort and self-satisfaction raising him. Julian isn't hers, he's someone she cares deeply for, who she's proud of, who she wants to leave a peaceful, better world for.

On the topic of Nate, Danse is exactly what Isadora needs in a partner, while somehow being similar to Nate.

Nate disregarded and disrespected Isadora's culture and upbringing, Danse disregarded anyone not human or "morally upright" to his standards. Nate was a combat medic, Danse was a Paladin/also a soldier. Nate valued science and keeping technology in the 'proper hands', so does Danse. Things like that.

Thing is, Danse was never a shitbag to Isadora, and Danse was never a shitbag deep down. He was a flawed person, but he acknowledged those flaws and worked past them. Nate would have never apologized to anyone for anything, and never did. Danse, I think even without the Synth reveal, would have eventually became disillusioned with the Brotherhood. He's too kind, deep down. If he was like his other BoS soldiers, he wouldn't admire the Slog, he wouldn't want to help Billy the Ghoul kid, he wouldn't care about anything outside of the Brotherhood's teachings. Danse cares about people, about doing and being good, above all else; he just thinks the Brotherhood is the best way to do that, pre-BB.

Nate tried to reel Isadora in, wanted her to fit better into the housewife role. He had affection for her, but it wasn't love. He loved what he thought she could be. One of those "I can fix her" types when she wasn't broken.

Danse, on the other hand, would never even think Isadora needed to be stopped or toned down. He admires her for everything the Old World thought she could do without. Isadora is sure of herself, she's extroverted and kind, she's a hard-worker, she's incredibly intelligent and educated, she's done and seen some very weird shit and is always down to tell you about it.

Their relationship is, like, rogue, left-the-temple Airbender x Earthbender. That's the best way I can describe it. They share values and ways to go about things, but provide support the other needs. Danse needs fun, engagement, needs to be comfortable enough to come out of his shell. He needs someone to help him loosen up. Isadora needs stability, something to anchor her when she feels like she's on the outskirts again, someone to support and uplift her. She needs to be, not tied down, but to have someone to go to. They balance each other. He makes her feel seen and empowers her for it, she's a breath of fresh air and helps him embrace whimsy and simple joys.

[woozi]

helluu yza <333 🫂🫂🥰🥰🥰

i've been doing good overall <33 it comes and goes hddjkd last year ended up leaving a sour taste in the mouth, it's been quiet since 2024 started, not liking it but can't do much to change it either, can you tell i have a hard time letting things go lmao?it'll eventually get sorted out (i hope)

ANYWAY, i decided to join letterboxd community, i am a complete movie person now (if you wanna be moots there lmk), the recent one i watched was "call me chihiro", do watch it when you can, i liked it, AND AND AND there's this indian movie called "three of us" (2022) i'm still recovering from it, people who think 2521 was traumatic wouldn't be able to handle this movie at all, it's about this woman going back to her home town with her husband for a visit after something happens to her, to recollect herself and she meets her childhood friend there 😭😭😭 IT'S LIKE PAST LIVES MOVIE BUT ALSO KINDA DIFFERENT. i love both of them equally. please do watch it if you can't find link i'll send it you <333 there's too many gems i've been finding out about after making an account on letterboxd. ( also i finally watched kiki's delivery service, i had been meaning to but kept delaying it, it's soo good, the kid with specs annoyed me lmao but i got over it quickly (in the sense that i didn't care much about him or his plot hdjskss)

we can always pick up our movie hangouts, feel free to lmk on disc or even if you want ro reach out to say something 🥰 it'll reach me faster compared to here im not much of a tumblr girl anymore it seems

what's new with you? how are you doing?

i hope you're well

i find myself humming to wait so much these days, it's funny because when it was released i listened to it and then never looked back 😭 ( fake carat booo fake ot13 booo 🍅🍅🍅🍅) now it stays rent free in my mind as i go about my day, the dance break towards the ending is so so good, i've been also enjoying yugyeom's album esp summer blues it's so my kind and OMG YES I WANTED TO ASK WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON BIBI'S BAM YANG GANG? 🎤 (atp i feel like i should call myself bibi stan)

thank you for even replying back even though you don't really have to hddjsk i missed you too 🫂 you're so kind to me always <333 sending you more peaceful and good weather days, i hope you are also finding space and time for pausing in between the chaos around you 🥺💌

MA CHERIE 🥺🥰😻😘😚😍♥💜🧡❣💝💞💟💌❤💛💚💙🖤💓💖💗

i'm so sorry to hear that :(( and if it's any consolation, it really is as they say!! all things really will come to pass, it's just a matter of time <3 hope u know i'm always here to lend an ear as well i lov u 🥺

ALSO LOVE LETTERBOXD REALLY IS A FILM GIRLIE EXPERIENCE FDJKJFDJKFD i unfortunately dont have it (shame on me as a prev film major LMFAO) but i'd love to be moots i'll create an acc for u <3 ALSO LOVEEEEEEEE THESE RECCS I'M TAKING NOTES!!! also still dk why 2521 was So Sad for people, i really loved it and just thought it was realistic 😭 AND KIKI'S!!!!!!!!!!!! that was also super fun for me and i loved jiji's little love story line SOOO MUCH

also felt abt that </3 I WAS ALSO JUST GONNA TELL U ABT DISC GJKFDKJFDKJ we really r soulmates atp <33 think i've also been away from tumblr since jan of 2023 now 😭 i honestly just come back during times when my love for the sebongs is Monumental and bc there r svt nets who still dont have admins 😭

the past year has also been super rough for me so i really get u when u said u hope things will sort themselves out soon FDJJKFD but i'm sure it will on both our ends!! that's just how life is sometimes. thank u for checking up on me <333

ALSO SO REAL ABT JUST CHECKING OUT RELEASES AND DIPPING DKJSJKDSS I LOV U SM!! AND I REALLY LOVED ITTTTTTTTTTTTT, think it showed a v different side to her <33 ((although the lyrics are Very Much still bibi, it's just the melody and presentation that gave her a new spice)

AND WHY WOULD U EVEN THANK ME 😤😤😤😤 i should be thanking YOU for the gift of friend chip <33 hope the days r also kinder to u, i'd fight ur demons if i could 😡 LOV UUUUUUU LET'S HANG OUT AND WATCH MOVIES AGAIN TGT SOON <#3333333333333 MWAH

[bandofchimeras]

I often want to delete this blog and my entire life up to now bc of shame.

today I asked myself where it comes from, this shame.

it comes from being ignored or not interacted with, that interaction lessening as I spiral, it is a feedback loop. I feel like my illusion of control is slipping as people scroll by or unfollow, like I'm beyond help.

being online has just been one long fear driven cry for help since I joined social media as a tween.

I no longer believe people should, or want them to rescue me. I do not let myself indulge in resentment anymore, that's a fast track to inceldom.

but growing in that way left this gap - obviously the part that is angry and resentful about being overlooked is stuck in the past, and there are therapies available to help them - but i don't know how to relate to my past now.

many people overlooked, left, neglected, or didn't intervene or indulged in their own discomfort and told themselves I'd be fine.

my mind searches for a reason, and finds my own symptoms, behaviors, attitude.

forgiveness of them seems tied to self blame.

and forgiveness of myself to blaming them.

then it hit me, I am stuck back there trying to find compassion for people who were simply comfortable letting me be the bad kid, the loser, the weirdo.

I believe with the exception of occasional kind souls, people let other people stay where they are, because it's "nobody's business." you have to put yourself out there, you have to ask for help, and be insistent, to get help. if you're not okay, and you just follow all the rules anyways or act out in harmful ways, there is neglect or punishment. it's either "you're fine" or "you're on a bad path" because the goal is not actual love or care, it's maintaining a system.

In my household abuse and neglect were normal.

My needs, thoughts and desires did not matter, or could not matter bc my parents were fixated on surviving and presenting an image to the world. they did try their best, but they were operating out of their own insecurities. they were operating best they could and defining all of us by our skills and accomplishments.

and what I've been grieving all along is that most people define themselves naturally, by where they come from. but where I came from, I didn't feel myself exist. I was a non-entity.

My parents only related to what they wanted to see in me.And I kept finding more and more people who acted the same. And acting the same to other people. It's fucked my life up a lot. It's a state of denial.

What I value, the way I operate, my presence and true desires - I have to fight for these things, and put myself out there now.

There is no real healing for the mental wound of knowing people let other people slip through the cracks than to become someone strong, loving and full of healthful rage, who refuses to let myself slip any further. Who can lend a hand and not watch people spiral silently and judgementally.

So yeah, I still have a lot of anger at being invisible. I still have ego delusions about proving my worth by being the best and brightest or finally seeming normal or funny or passionate.

When you're cluster B diagnosed, to me it's a code for a spiritual misunderstanding. That most people who find joy and meaning in their life really do what lights them up, and forget the rest. And the anger, the resentment comes from the pain of not knowing your true Self, and all the ways you run your head into the wall trying to figure out an image of who that is.

When the whole point is the Self is beyond, under, the image. It's just existing. And defining your existence by existing, and doing shit and not collapsing in fear every time you try something that violates the suffocating little boxes people put each other in while trying to navigate the world.

Tumblr was where I made my most embarrassing social blunders back in the day so when I get back on here it feels like there's something to prove. But the thing I genuinely love about this site now is that there really isn't. It's people just hanging out.

Anyways that's character count for today 😝🤙 I'm not gonna delete my social media, just do more shit IRL and care less.

[ejacutastic]

I really don't want to discourage people from going into vet med because there's so much of it that I love deeply. the people in it, the work itself, the interesting cases you get to be involved in from running the room to xrays to pulling blood to running labs to alerting the doctors to abnormalities in results and seeing all the dvms pull together to figure it out. idk I'm tearing up a little from how DEEPLY vet med is a part of me heart and soul. like I knew I wanted to be in this field since I was 6 years old like I watched graphic animal shows to intentionally desensitize myself from euthanasia (because I thought you weren't allowed to cry during them if you worked there. I cry at least a little at most of the ones I'm present for still lol). when I started tech school it felt like coming home. I felt connections with my classmates like I'd never felt before.

but I was NOT prepared for the level of issues in the industry. I heard I'd get paid like shit, but I wasn't ready for poverty wages and all my coworkers to either have a spouse carrying their finances or have second jobs after hours. I heard high suicide rate and mental health issues, but I wasn't ready for the effect it all had on me. I wasn't prepared for how frequent it is to find vet clinics with little to no healthcare or other benefits. I wasn't prepared for how many hours really are the norm to work. I wasn't prepared for the constant, nagging guilt of not being good or fast enough or working hard enough. I wasn't prepared for the sheer amount of client guilt and shame and fear and anger I'd have to work through with them as almost a therapist (as well as my own emotions during and after). I wasn't prepared for the senseless bullying and shit slinging (I think the bullying trends are a result of the aforementioned issues mixed with how dvms try to also be managers without recognizing that staff management requires particular skill sets and really ideally should have a specific person for it but anyways...).

there's moves towards unionization and a lot of talk about pet insurance being the future but it feels like vet med is just in the middle of a 6 way tug of war with people trying to make money, people trying to advance quality of care and push for increased education and licensure protection for techs, people trying to make it cheaper for owners, people trying to get reasonable pay and benefits/safety/etc for staff, etc bc we're doing the same shit as human med often but with like less specialization (aka more things under one roof) and way less pay/safety regulation/benefits/etc and like either access to care, staff welfare, or qualify of care is going to suffer as long as we're working within the framework of capitalism and I don't see a true solution happening under it.

[mermaidsirennikita]

since we’ve gotten a bit more info on the new season and everyones expecting a trailer drop tmrw,,, what r ur thoughts on debicki’s diana in the crown (entirely visually obv bc we dont have much to go on 😭😭) and what r ur hopes for s5 (and 6 ig bc i personally feel like they’ll probably more connected than any other 2 seasons of the show so far)

I mean, I'm really excited for her. I think she's a super talented actress and a great physical casting for the role.

I guess for me I'd just like them to give Diana fair play. I don't want the endless victim montage that we got in Spencer--Diana knew how to manipulate the press, and she was a loooot more cunning than people give her credit for on this level. She knew exactly what she was doing when she'd wear certain dresses, set up certain photo opps. Her mental illness and trauma could make her paranoid and catty--she notably pushed her stepmother down the stairs once, and also kind of terrorized the boys' nanny because she believed the woman got pregnant with Charles's baby and had an abortion (the story is that Diana saw Tiggy at a party and went like, "sorry about the baby" lmao I can't.). She also was deeply sincere about the causes she cared about, especially those involving children and the LGBT+ community, and wanted to make a positive difference in the world. She had friends that she was really close to, fell in love with men who weren't Charles, and was a very good and loving, if not perfect (because who is) mother. The thing is that all of these things can be true, and Diana was incredibly young when she died. She wasn't even 40. I think she was on a positive trajectory that would've likely led to her becoming a healthier person who did even more good for the world. But she wasn't a saint, and she wasn't a lunatic.

I think that what many modern interpretations of Diana do, in an attempt to shake this idea that she was perfect without being accused of portraying her as a bitch, is focus on her mental illness in this "Bertha Rochester in the attic" kind of way. Even the royal family has used this. Oh, she was crazy and paranoid so nothing she says can be true. As someone who suffers from mental illness myself (and I can actually say that watching old clips of Diana discussing self harm in her famous interview was *the first* time I'd seen someone that famous discuss self harm, and it did a lot to ease the shame I felt as a cutter) I find this take super offensive, and I always worry they'll go with that. Season 4 I actually thought would, however, and it didn't. It was clear about Diana's struggles and she wasn't always right, but it was sympathetic to her, and that is what I want here. Because at the end of the day--any way you slice it, Diana was a victim of that family. She was preyed upon by a man who not only was much older than her, but had known her since she was underage because he was fucking her sister and had a MASSIVE amount of power over her socially. She was set up by him, his family, and his mistress so that she could pump out babies, and they did not give a fuck about her fragility or her feelings. So whatever Diana became after that... I think is hard to separate from the abuse she suffered within the family. And I just don't think you can tell her story without some degree of sympathy on that level and keep me believing it. Because like... even if you're sympathetic to Charles, what world are we living in where you don't acknowledge what he did there.

[pendraegon]

i’m so excited to see arthuriana tumblr take on TGK like ??!! many thoughts about shame and legacy, rereading ur meta rn LMAO. i feel like the gawain lesson of the movie is like the opposite of the traditional read on the text, but their gawain is still SO GAWAIN. idk man i just. it’s a good fuckinf adaptation. interest and care and connection went into this and it shows even if it does turn AU a bit.

HII ANON<333 i hope you had fun watching tgk!! ((:

so far the multiple people ive been talking to have told me that gawain is REALLY fucking like gawain. like, spot on. that is gawain, that is mr unhinged batshit bisexual up there being his regular self which was genuinely half of my fear that the movie would not get right<3 the second part is that almost every single medieval lit arthurian blogger who has watched it already has been telling me not to go watch it and are disappointed by the plot ALSDJFOSAIDKFSAL so it's been an EVENING here on pendraegon dot blog and friends.

im not going to reveal anything else of what i know bc i know there are so many people who follow me who are hyped for this movie and ill still watch it myself bc, hey, i AM a gawain girl (gender neutral). i think if anything (and to my fellow other med lit blogs) i'd probably watch tgk as a loose adaptation of sgatgk rather than an actual proper portrayal which is fine by me honestly and i'll judge it on those terms and how the story flows from the movie in of itself and its own merits in that regard (((:

[eijispumpkin]

good lord this is long i apologize, but hi hello, lovely human with a heart of gold, sweet creature who's full of love, i cannot thank u enough for being u! for sharing your amazing works and bringing comfort to so many people, everything u write is so magical and re-reading your stuff always makes me feel like i'm receiving a warm hug it's the best feeling out there, ik u're taking a break rn and i'm glad to see u taking time for urself, as cool as the internet is it can also be very shitty at times unf, pls take care of urself nd ur health qt ! plus ik we r going thru some rly scary times this year with the pandemic and all that too, ik it's rough, but i hope u're okay, and i wish u loots of happiness mwahh

if u're not accepting asks right now i'm rly sry! pls ignore this i hope u have an amazing day ♡ but if it's not too much trouble, how did u start posting online? bc god, the way my brain keeps convincing me it's stupid even tho ik it would bring me joy :c i see all the drafts and ideas i've had for years now but never got the courage to post or develop bc i always convinced myself that it's too late now, or like it only works if u've already done it for at least a couple years? and that i suck anw and "wanting to write what i'd like to see/read" doesnt really work when i haven't practiced much, sigh even if i gather enough courage smhow, idk wut i'd have to tackle first

you never have to apologize to me for saying long things, no worries my friend!! i am long-winded and rambly by nature, so i totally get it <3 and ahh thank you so much for your kind and lovely words, i appreciate it a lot!!!! i'm very glad to hear that you like my writing so much ♥

how i started posting... man, honestly? i first started posting fic on a tumblr account whose password i have long since forgotten, like eight or nine years ago at this point. it was an rp blog for a very obscure tolkien elf, and i was lucky enough as a young teen to find people who were really kind and encouraging about my writing, both in rp and as little side-ficlets and whatnot! that's how i first got into actual writing at all. tiny ficlets prompted by rp stuff were the first things i ever posted at all - in fact, my first fic posted on ff.net way back when was just one of those lil tumblr rp ficlets i crossposted!

as for your conundrum, i def hear you :( insecurity and anxiety brain can be a HUGE bitch, and i know it's easy to tell yourself that numbers like comments and kudos don't matter, but it still feels really bad when you really want validation and you don't get any. (though i will say, it is true that the numbers don't matter! it's totally a game of luck. some of my favorites of my own fics don't have nearly as many kudos or comments as the ones i personally didn't even like as much/didn't put as much work into. it's not that those fics aren't as good; it's just that popularity is kind of a roulette wheel. it's easy to internalize it as being your fault if something doesn't fly, but it honestly really isn't in your control at all.)

but heres the thing! everyone starts somewhere. when i first started posting fics, i can promise you i was nowhere near as good as i am today! i didn't pay attention to sentence variation, i hardly ever used any imagery, my character voices were underdeveloped, etc etc etc. that doesn't mean that no one liked to see my post, or that i shouldn't have posted! it just means that i was a beginner. and so are you! there's no shame in being new at something. it just means you have a lot to learn, and there's nothing wrong with that at all! in fact i would say there's a lot of joy in discovering your voice and how you like to write. the fear of peoples expectations can weigh you down, but you should write for yourself first, not for others, or else you'll just burn out, you know?

as for what you'd have to tackle first: i could give you a bunch of technical mumbo jumbo if you wanted, but really i think it is about writing what you'd like to see! not in the way that you seem to mean here though (and forgive me if i misinterpreted! i don't mean to put words in your mouth). i first started writing just by describing little daydreams i had about the characters. first and foremost, your creation process should be fun for you!! if you enjoy writing something, your readers will be able to tell, and it adds to the piece. but more important than that is the fact that you'll have had fun creating something. finding what makes writing fun for you is, in my opinion, the most important place to start!!

[gayopinion]

i read your opinions page and im curious - if you feel like it would you expand on what you mean when you say self diagnosis is ok for some conditions? what parameters would you consider make a condition ok to self-diagnose vs not?

this was something i wrote like almost a year ago and actually the other day i was thinking how it doesn't rlly reflect how i feel today bc i don't Really Care if someone diagnoses themselves with xyz condition. i never go on desktop tumblr but if i had been this week i'd have taken it out.

i cant answer your question perfectly so i apologize but instead i'll explain that think my problem with self diagnoses lied in how people used it. how some people would be like "i have x condition and so i do this bad thing (as in dealing with symptoms) and make no effort to improve my life because of that or to work around it." which obviously was a bitter viewpoint to have and is a very specific example and i don't have the right to enforce it on others who feel clarity or peace in knowing why they might act the way they do. BUT i still think everyone should try their best to work with their abilities to make their lives easier rather than blaming a struggle they have on a diagnosis (i'm not saying i'm above this - i've certainly fallen victim to this mentality myself).

i know now that many more people struggle with conditions like autism, adhd, ocd, etc than i had previously thought. my lack of first hand experience and understanding lead to believing the misconception that people were trying to label themselves quickly for xyz symptom of any condition they could find without really thinking about the repercussions that has. i also didn't know at the time that autistic people were unable to transition to their real gender if they received a diagnosis, which goes to show there are reasons to self diagnose rather than seek medical professional advice (which is another story and i'm not shaming anyone for not having healthcare coverage). i think some conditions like BPD or antisocial personality disorder are not something you need to share with strangers, but i'm not going to stop anyone from identifying with an explanation for why they are who they are. of course people shouldn't base their personalities on a diagnosis or condition but i'm well aware that's a small subsection of people who do that and i'm not lumping everyone in with them.

tl;dr: i wrote that a while ago and have since met many wonderful people with autism, adhd, ocd, et cetera and saw why people self diagnose and how it helps them. i would say the pros certainly outweigh the cons of self diagnosing, and if anyone wants to tell themselves and the world that they have a condition that makes their brain function in a specific way, then i think that's just fine and there's definitely advantages to seeing the world through different eyes. i'm gonna take it out of my page now, and i apologize if i alienated or hurt anyone by my poor choice of words.

[clareguilty]

For the ask meme: 5, 8, 13, 24, 27, 28, 49, 56, 58, 67, 78, 103, 119, 127, 135, 141, 153, & 154!! U don't have to answer them all if they're too many! I thought I'd give u something to sink yr teeth into all the same haha (I know how procrastination be 😈). Enjoy! 💙🌠🌸

Thank you so much for these! I always feel kinda weird when I reblog an ask meme lol, and if no one sends any i usually just delete the reblog to hide my shame (Im a coward) This was super fun! I learned about myself! Answers under the cut!

5: 4 turns onIntelligence, Empathy, A desire to grow, and Selflessness

8: Sexual orientationBi/Pan!

13: Favourite colorSea glass/Mint! Teal tones make me super happy!

24: Favourite style of clothingMy main blog is actually a fashion blog lol! I wear a lot of retro styles, but my recent obsession has been Mori Kei and like Stevie Nicks witchy vibes

27: Meaning behind my URLIt’s actually a reference to a character in a novel by Vladimir Nabokov. I’m a bit of a nerd when it comes to literature and I wanted my AO3 name to be a lit reference, but “Lady Macdeath” was taken so I picked ClareGuilty

28: Favourite movieThis is usually a toss-up between Wright’s “Baby Driver” and Miller’s “Mad Max: Fury Road” but I like a lot of Del Toro’s and Wes Anderson’s films as well

49: Am I excited for anything?I’m both excited and scared shitless to graduate from undergrad in May! I have no clue what the future holds!

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?This is a hard one. I guess maybe meeting a prominent philanthropist/activist would be super great! Or maybe being able to talk with a writer/producer I like a lot! But I can’t really think of anyone specific right now

67: What was the last book I’ve read?I read a lot of boring books for school (I love them but that’s bc they’re in my field) but the last novel I read was “Captive Prince” by C.S. Pacat! It’s a M/M fantasy novel and I want to finish the trilogy soon!

78: How can you win my heart?Take me on an adventure! Take me to the mountains! Or the Ocean! Or a pond in your backyard! I want to see museums and zoos and aquariums, or just a neighborhood playground, but it has to be an adventure!

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?I’m not strictly vegetarian/vegan bc I disagree with aspects of both. I am very careful about what I eat because I don’t agree with the commercial fishing/meat industries and I try to support local farms as often as possible! I eat so many different foods though, so I don’t really limit my diet because I’m always down to try new things and experience new cultures!

119: Learned another language?I know a good bit of French! That’s why I love writing for the Lacroixs!

127: Met someone famous?I met Chris and Aaron of Roosterteeth’s “Social Disorder” as well as a few other RT people when I was in Austin a few years back. I think I’ve met a few artists and writers and Maybe cosplayers over the years but I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal lol

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?I want to adopt! I think I want 2 daughters and if I am able to choose their names I really like Hellenic/Astronomy names like Artemisia or Luciana. But also I don’t want to doom my child with a really weird name y’know?

141: Play any musical instrument?I played Clarinet for 7 years! I know a little bit about piano, ukulele, and a few other woodwinds. I want to get into percussion and maybe another melodic instrument but I am pooor. (I also go hard on the recorder, hot cross buns all the way)

153: My closest Tumblr friendA lot of my Tumblr friends are people I know in real life, or some are just mutuals I’ve had for years. I feel like I’ve made a lot of new pals with my writing, even if we aren’t like “friends” I may just tag people I think are super cool!@watch-your-grammer @zarcake-writes @sacrifice-to-the-ancients @1800areyouslapping @pegasusdrawnchariots (Das u!)(These people may not think I’m as cool as I think they are)

154: Something I fantasize aboutI recently had a dream about the CUTEST apartment! It’s everything I could have wanted! I totally fantasize about having an apt/house to myself where I have plants and I cook all the time and write all day! Hopefully, I will be there one day!

[founditinsilence]

So I'm 19 years old, I've never been in a relationship, never kissed anyone and that's fine (most of the time) but I really want to fall in love with an awesome person and I want it all to work out, but I'm really picky and anxious and I can't just open up to someone like that, also so many guys my age are just immature and things like that. It's so frustrating. I'd love to have a cute crush and kiss them and be in love but it's harder than it looks in all those movies.

hey literally all of this except i’m 20

i really vividly remember reading princess diaries when i was about 11 or 12 and mia was talking about how she had to kiss someone before she was 14, and i thought to myself “ugh yeah that’d be so sad i’ll definitely have done it by then”

🙃

but that’s such a gross attitude for such a young girl to have!! i hate it!! thankfully i got it out of my system early and by the time i was 15/16 i couldn’t actually care less. but honestly what pisses me off more than anything is that if i hadn’t grown up reading books and watching films where The Kiss is this pinnacle, vital moment, i probably would never have cared in the first place

i probably wouldn’t have spent the entire first half of my high school experience forcing crushes on average guys, i probably wouldn’t have been so paranoid of my crooked teeth, i probably would’ve realised i liked girls earlier, i probably would’ve felt generally less weird and gross and different about this “shameful” thing that actually happens to most people

so yeah i get u i totally crave intimacy and want kisses and cuddles but only bc it’s actually right for me, at this particular point in my life right now. the rest of the time, i was only telling myself i was craving it because i thought i was supposed to

there’s never any rush and hopefully knowing that there’s no specific year or age you “need” to have done anything by will help u to wait for someone who’ll treat u like u deserve xxx

[squid-inspiration]

Ooh, question 15 please, for "Thomas Hamilton: A Life" and/or "The Art of Asymmetry". I'm thinking in particular of things you learned in terms of writing, since they both seem like they must have been (still is, for THAL) challenging projects, but of course I'd definitely be interested in other things, too!

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

The Art of Asymmetry

I think it’s the point at which I found my “Black Sails voice”. Fascination & Imitation work well enough imo, and they have passages and phrases that I love a lot, but I feel like this is where I started rly consciously having a “flavour” for each narrative. There’s word choices and rhythms I gravitate to or avoid for each project, and most of it is gut feeling, but I always have something v v specific in mind that I shape the language around. I’d seen other fics do rly nicely w pseudo-period-accurate English (bc none of us write as they’d actually speak/write in an early 18th century narrative, and neither does Black Sails in canon) and was afraid I’d never manage to sound so pleasant and sophisticated, and it turned out people rly enjoyed the style I ended with, so that was reassuring. Haven’t written anything that elegant since, I think, maybe barring whalebone, rigged to stem the floods. (But that one is sparkling & dripping & in flux, whereas Asymmetry is black lace and seed pearls and creamy paper and burgundy chiffon & velvet.)

Also some ruthless editing, bc it was going to be multi-POV and it became more powerful once it was only Miranda’s. Sadly cost me one specific paragraph I’m still not quite over, bc that was the only bit I couldn’t tell from Miranda’s POV; from the scene when Thomas walks in on Miranda drawing James, which was originally written from James’ perspective, and Miranda can’t quite see into his head. So I’m still mourning a metaphor or two that rly captures what, to me, is an integral part of the modeling state of mind, that meditative focus you fall into.

Oh and I worked through a lot of my issues w most artist/model AUs. I’m a life-drawing model myself, and I just can’t read 99% of those fics anymore, bc there’s a lot of little things that just irk me. (I’m sure I’ve written stuff that irks others too! Everyone has That Thing They Care V Much About. This happens to be mine.)

Thomas Hamilton: A Life.

So many things??? 

A vital one was to stop giving a fuck what others want from a fic and just focus on what I want. Sometimes feel insecure bc I think a lot of ppl prob aren’t attracted to OC ships, but I’m v decisive in the story I want to tell, and that story needs contrast. If I don’t show Thomas’ early relationships and what they taught him and what they offered/lacked, the life-changing impact of Miranda&James entering his life is less visceral. It could still work ofc, but I v deliberately set each of Thomas’ boyfriends up to represent aspects of his relationship w love, sex, shame, and identity, and they all tie thematically into James and Miranda and the rest of his life. It’s not the most popular fic out there in terms of clicks/kudos, but it’s exactly (well, as close as I can manage) the story I want to tell, and that’s a good feeling. I’m not compromising and I’m enjoying every second. (I still get insecure abt needing validation lol. But the story itself is not shaped by what I think others would rather read.)

Definitely the most ambitious & complex fic I’ve done. Generally my fics are p straight-forward in terms of plot, and this one is not super-plotty, but I greatly enjoy constructing thematic set-ups & pay-offs, it’s so rewarding. There’s even a little twist later on??? And I’m curious to see if anyone will pick up on the set-up lol. Nothing life-changing, but I’m having fun.

I’m also pushing harder and canning stuff more ruthlessly than I ever have for a fic. I think I’ve scrapped ~15k so far? Bc I finished the fic months ago, took a breather and realised that the last 20k just aren’t thematically cohesive with the characterisation of Thomas I’ve set up. And I’m still working on that, I’m still continuously tossing out stuff bc I feel like, “this fic is about sticking fingers in wounds & picking at scabs, this feels too comfortable” and comfortable is what it shouldn’t be. (So it should be no surprise I’m essentially rewriting the last 20k for the third time or so, and adding more chapters and just. This fic just won’t let me fucking rest.)

Ask me about my fics!