#or i’m feeling unwell for a variety of physical reasons

[aveil-moved]

i’m doing better mentally these past few days and i’ve been more productive and i’m forming a routine again yay!!! slowly but surely pulling myself out of my funk… but also my body hates me and i’ve been having GI issues this whole time. truly cannot have anything

[owletstarlet]

you know I have to ask for tanunatsu and the pain tolerance question now lol

(This is also for @chubsthehamster, who requested the same number! It's as if you all know exactly my brand. From this ask meme: "Who's got the highest pain tolerance."

So this is tricky because I’m not convinced that their physically painful experiences in canon are directly comparable. Natsume’s been through a lotof nasty stuff both before and during canon—indirectly or directly youkai-caused injury and illness, in addition to childhood abuse and neglect. What we’ve seen/know of Tanuma are the headaches and history of generally poor heath due to youkai sensitivity. In terms of who can bear up better while in a lot of pain, I’m not really sure, but I do think they’d share the same innate urge not to make it anyone else’s concern.

With Natsume, it’s clearly a carryover survival mechanism from an abusive past, along with the very obvious need to obfuscate if it’s an injury or malady caused by youkai shenanigans. But I think even in instances where he doesn’t need to lie about it, or act fine when he isn’t, it’s still just ingrained into him. I think of that episode where he’s come down with some perfectly non-supernatural but still nasty illness in To The Ephemeral Ones, and he’s fully dressed and ready to go about his day, and the way the Fujiwaras get to find out is when he almost passes out in the kitchen. (I do not remember if this was anime-only or not but it’s pretty true to character regardless.) And @taizi once wrote a fic where, if I remember right, he’s fully prepared to walk home on a broken ankle so it won’t be anyone else’s problem, when both Natori and Nishimura are right there—which pretty much sums it up. (And tai, if you remember where that fic went you should tell me!) I mean, remember, the first thing he hears upon regaining consciousness after tumbling off an actual cliff is his relatives griping about the inconvenience of his hospital stay. Which sticks with you, even once you’re in a loving home and surrounded by good people. Anyways, to the original question, his pain tolerance probably is pretty damn high, because he’s had nobody but himself to to rely on to get him through some pretty awful stuff, and has been through a real fun variety of said awful stuff.

About Tanuma You-Could-Pour-Soup-In-My-Lap-And-I’ll-Apologize-To-You Kaname, as I said, he’s definitely not want to make his feeling unwell anyone else’s problem, though for different reasons. He clearly wasn’t raised in an environment where he’d had to keep quiet and push through it if he wasn’t well; quite the opposite, we know his dad’s very concerned for his wellbeing, and it’s doubtful he’d ever lie to his dad about feeling poorly. But with his peers, it’d be a bit different, because it’s clear that it’s bad health that isolated him so much as a child. He’s clearly unused to having a solid group of kind friends, and I’m sure the prospect of getting left behind because he’s not feeling up for something would tug at his insecurities, and lead him to try to push through some headache here or a nagging cough there to make sure he comes along when he’s invited somewhere. I’m positive he’s gotten a stern and fiercely caring talking-to about this, which has left him feeling both wrong-footed and loved. (And we’re just gonna. Mention. The whole Suspicious Visitor arc, where we see how legitimately self-destructive Tanuma’s willing to be so that Natsume won’t leave him behind, and the talking-to he got from Natsume about that—)

Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if Tanuma’s baseline for feeling "normal" and healthy might be a bit skewed, and he pushes himself sometimes quite on accident—if you’re used to low-level headaches, or fighting off sniffles for half the year, you might not even be aware you were sick until a friend pulls you aside, sticks a hand on your sweaty forehead and informs you with a pinched expression that you’re burning up. (At which point, no ifs-ands-or-buts, four other teenagers plus an asshole cat swoop in to ply him with soup and soft blankets and pocari sweat, and just generally care the everloving crap out of him until he can get it through his head just that much more that just maybe they’re not going anywhere anytime soon.)

All this doesn’t directly answer the question, though for the both of them their pain tolerance would functionally rank as far-too-high-for-the-peace-of-mind-of-those-that-care-about-them.

[rainofaugustsith]

Soft OC Asks!

Thank you @wolf-of-the-glade​ for the tag! This is a long one, and was a lot of fun to do! 

🌹 Where in the world does your OC feel most at home? Is there any reason why? If it’s not the place they were born, where were they born? Is there a certain somebody that makes them feel at home where ever they may be? What does home mean to them?   For Viri, that's Odessen, Naboo and to a smaller extent, Rishi.   Viri was born on Corellia and does have a special affection for the planet but it's gone through so many changes that it does not feel like home to her anymore. She associates 'home' with Naboo because the years she spent there as a child were safe and happy, because she was raised with a lot of Naboo cultural observances, and she was loved tremendously by her grandmother. She wears modified Naboo makeup every day (the red streaks by her eyes). She also associates 'home' with Odessen because it is the place she and Lana found respite and safety as adults. And she loves the Rishii section of Rishi and the beaches because they feel calm and welcoming to her.   Home to Viri is where she is safe and happy, with an energy she connects with. The Force is part of that. Odessen's balance in the Force is very significant for Viri, and she loves the Force attunement of Naboo as well.   🍄 What are your OCs favourite snacks? Their favourite comfort food which always cheers them up when they’re down? Favourite meal to make? Do they enjoy baking and cooking and are they any good in the kitchen?   Viri loves sugar. She is a huge sugar junkie. She especially loves cookies baked with Corellian recipes, candy, sweet breads and fruits. 

 As for cooking and baking, however, you do not want Viridana in your kitchen. She'll burn it down. She can't cook at all. When she was a kid her parents and the house droid cooked; in the Academy she ate in the dining halls and since she's been on her own she's had her own house droids and the Alliance chefs. During her years as the Wrath, Vette would sometimes cook Ryloth cuisine for her.   Vette tried to teach Viri a few things about cooking during her time as the Wrath and they both ended up agreeing that it was just a lost cause.   🍁 Where does your OC go when they need to have some time to themself? Would they ever have their own “comfort corner” filled with all the things they like? Do they have a favourite spot outside that feels like its theirs and theirs alone?   When Viri needs to be alone she will typically go for a walk in the Odessen wilderness, go to her private sparring room and dance, or go into the fields and play with her pets/rescued animals, like her sleen. She and Lana do each have their own rooms in their suite, as well. Viri has a private altar there, as well as books and her personal treasures, and she will sometimes go there to be alone too. Outside, Viri favors an area close to the base with a waterfall, and she's been known to spend hours there reading or meditating.   🍂 Does your OC enjoy hugs? What do they do as a show of affection for: their friends, their family, their significant other(s) or for strangers? Over all what are they like with recieving affection from others?   Yes, if your name is Lana Beniko. Viri is extremely huggy with Lana. She has also reached the point where she feels relatively safe getting hugs from people she knows well and trusts, like Vette and Jaesa. As a kid, her parents and grandparents hugged her all the time. If you're not someone Viri knows well and implicitly trusts, though, her immediate reaction to being touched will be to block your hands and reach for her lightsaber. Just don't.

Viri also is very suspicious if someone she doesn't know is overly affectionate or offers a lot of flattery, and will assume there's an ulterior motive. Someone like Darth Rivix would have zero effect on her.   Viri is very generous with her friends and family. She often tries to help her loved ones with their needs anonymously (for example, if she found out her friend had a speeder repair bill, she'd silently pay it and not say a word about it). She will also really pay attention to people's likes and dislikes and try to get them things that she knows they will love. She also offers any means of political or physical protection she can - when she was the Wrath she bought Imperial citizenship for Vette, for example; and she put all of her friends under protection with notice to the Dark Council. Viri's incredibly loyal.   As for strangers, Viri is obsessive about health and the rakghoul plague so she does quietly send a lot of supplies, help and credits to T.H.O.R.N. and other humanitarian projects that provide vaccines and medicines. She also helps with projects for former slaves and Twi'lek cultural restoration that Vette has told her about.   🌻 What little things do they notice about people or the world around them that make them happy? What tiny little treasures do they find in the normal every day that makes the world seem a little brighter for them?   Viri's very attuned to the scents around her - ocean air, ozone, fragrances. She loves it when she comes across something that feels like home to her, like the scent of the ocean.   🌾 Describe your OC through the eyes of someone absolutely head-over-heels in love with them   That would be Lana. She would describe Viri as a fierce, sometimes kind force of nature that she is absolutely smitten with, with blazing eyes. Lana happens to be especially fond of Viri's curly hair and hands, as well as how gracefully she moves while dancing or fighting.     💐 How does your OC handle being unwell or forced to rest in bed? Who cares for them and in what ways? Does your OC enjoy being doted on or are they a terrible patient? Reversed: is your OC good at taking care of others who are ill or in need?   From the time she was an acolyte Viri became very adept at hiding any sort of pain or illness, both with physical camouflage and emotional shielding. It was for her own protection, of course. She has walked around with broken bones, fevers, massive bruises, you name it, without looking sick at all. After she was in carbonite and her skin was grey for a while during recovery, she wore makeup to hide that. All of the other post-carbonite side effects she had were concealed from the Alliance as much as possible. After defeating Valkorion she wore makeup to hide the shadows under her eyes from the damage. Her usual MO is to conceal everything and then quietly take care of it on her own time. She knows how to do her own sutures and basic first aid and infection control, and has several medical droids and trusted doctors.   With people she trusts like Lana and Vette, as well as carefully selected doctors and medical droids, Viri will allow herself to show pain and sickness. She can't hide it from Lana, since it's obvious through their bond. She will allow Lana to Force heal her, and she trusts both Lana and Vette to care for her. She also trusts Lucinda Walrez, the Alliance's surgeon.   Viri's a better Force healer than she gives herself credit for, and her immediate course of action with allies is to storm in, throw Force healing at them and immediately start patching them up. She has zero bedside manner, however, unless it's Lana or Vette. It's usually more "Shut up and stand still so I can fix you, you're not going to die damn it!"   🌿 What way does your OC show that they care without using words? What way do others show your OC that they’re cared about without using speech?   If Lana's working long hours and Viri gets home first, she will lay out Lana's pajamas and warm them, for instance. She'll sit next to Lana, Vette and Jaesa and help them take off or put on their armor. She can't cook but she will get food for people. If she sees someone's armor is scuffed up, she will get it cleaned or repaired or replaced. If she sees someone has a bruise on their cheek, she will throw Force healing at it without thinking twice. Those sorts of things.   🌳 What is your OC’s favourite way to relax after a stressful day? Do they have a favourite book to curl up with? A hobby? Or do they have a nice bubble bath and have an early night to bed?   Viri loves to read. She loves memoirs; accounts of adventures; books on nature and wildlife; scientific journals, comics, you name it. She often unwinds by reading on the couch. She also spends a lot of time meditating and sitting with her pets to unwind. And she and Lana usually have a few hours of *ahem* fun before turning in.   🌲 How deeply does your OC feel? Are they typically empathetic or do they have a hard time connecting with others in this way? What are they like when offering support and comfort to someone they care for?   Viri feels so deeply that her emotions can overwhelm her if she's not careful. She can be so happy that she cries. She can be so angry that she physically feels it. Being very Force sensitive she does have a lot of ability as an empath and can feel others' emotions quite often, especially if they are projecting strongly and don't realize it.

If Viri is offering support or comfort she will usually try to puzzle out what that means for the individual. When Vette was mourning her mother, the best way to help her was to bring her tea and then leave her alone. With Lana, the best way to help her was to be right there 24/7 for her and directly know how much she was loved. She does realize that sometimes the best way to help is to say "I see you and I'm here" and just be present.   🌺 What does your OC do to calm down when they’re scared or after a nightmare? Do they have any special comfort items or need to be reassured by a specific person? How do they handle this if they’re alone?   If it's a garden-variety nightmare, Viri usually centers herself by reciting a Sith blessing or protection spell under her breath. If it's a flashback sort of nightmare, Lana is the only one who can help her through it. Lana usually sits next to her, speaks to her in Sith and reaches out to her in the Force through their bond. When Viri wakes up she will ground Viri by telling her where she is and that she is safe. If she's dealing with a flashback alone, Lana will still feel it and reach out to her telepathically.   🌸 What are some of their favourite things and why? List as many as you can think of!   Viri has long been divorced from the idea of having a lot of tangible things, because she has had to move around so much and has lost so much. Having said that:   - Her lightsaber. Viri designed and made her own saber and it really is extremely important to her. Her lightsaber feels like a friend, not just a weapon, and she works with it seamlessly. And it's so attuned to her, specifically, that even Lana had trouble using it when she had to in an emergency. - Her ship, the Tyuk. Viri loves and adores her ship and has done everything she can to upgrade and maintain it. - The necklace and pendant that Lana made for her, for their wedding. - The affection token from Ryloth that Vette gave her, also for her wedding to Lana. - Lana's belt. Technically, it's Viri's belt, since the original from Lana was worn until it literally fell apart. Lana just keeps making new belts for her with the same design, and Viri loves them because Lana made them and they always remind them of her. She stubbornly wears this belt no matter what else she's wearing and no matter how poorly it matches the rest of her outfit. - Naboo food. I've pattered Naboo food to essentially be a lot like Italian cuisine, and Viri is very enthusiastic about it. - Corellian cookies. See "Naboo food." - Dance clubs. When it's safe - and it takes a lot of precautions now - Viri loves to be in the middle of a crowded, sweaty dance floor all night long. - Music. - Silly but smart cartoons. Viri tends to favor really silly, lighthearted but clever entertainment fare, because she gets enough gloom and doom IRL. In our world she'd adore things like the Addams Family, Bob's Burgers, Animaniacs, etc. - The beach. Being in open bodies of water - the ocean or sea- feels like home for Viri. She is an excellent swimmer and a strong surfer, and even the sound of waves will make her heart jump a little. - The night sky. Viri loves looking up at the stars and planets. - Waterfalls. - Holo portraits and photos of her friends and family.   🥀 How would your OC decorate a notebook or journal? What kind of things are written in there? Could you give an example of a nice entry?   Viri would not be the sort to keep a journal because she would worry about it being stolen, compromised or used against her. She did make a holocron, however, like the Jedi Consular.   If she did keep a journal, she'd have a thousand abstract doodles all over it, in as many bright and metallic gel pens as she could find, and her entries would probably be written in three different directions across the page, with little cartoons, random song lyrics and poems, and a lot of snark, written in several colors of ink/marker per entry.   �� Who are this characters friends and found family? How did they meet, how long have they been friends for, could they ever be something more than just friends? What do they look for in a friend or a romantic partner?   Viri does have casual friends and acquaintances, but her circle of true trusted friends is small. In terms of romantic partners, Viri has never looked for one - she is strongly demisexual and demiromantic, and until she met Lana and was attracted to her, she had no idea that was even a thing she wanted. And she wouldn't want it with anyone but Lana.   In terms of friends, Viri looks for people who are loyal, trustworthy, kind to animals and civilians, and somehow appeal to her senses of fun and connection. That may seem a contradiction but Viri actually has a very strong code she follows for herself. If someone kills a Jedi who is attacking them, she gets it. If someone kills a Republic civilian in a hospital, she's not cool with that and will be angry and upset about it.   She has friends from a variety of worlds with different Force creeds and beliefs, but she would not be friends with someone who was downright cruel, someone who was anti-alien or otherwise racist, someone who was homophobic or transphobic, or someone who approved of slavery.   The people she would trust implicitly with her life:   Lana: Force bonded partners for life, and there's nothing that could separate them or make them turn on each other. As of 3629 they have been together and friends for 10 years. Vette: Viri's adopted sister. They both take that 'sister' designation very seriously. As of 3629 they have been friends for 14 years.   Other very very close people: Suvia Kallig (Darth Nox): Suvia spent 7 years in carbonite, but she met Viri and befriended her when she was newly the Wrath. Suvia was new to the Dark Council. They bonded over their shared "outsider" status, because they were both bright, cynical young women, and because they shared views on issues like slavery (anti anti anti) and aliens (pro pro pro).  Suvia went missing after Marr’s coalition was attacked and searches for her were fruitless. Viri found her in carbonite, hanging on a wall in the Zakuulan royal palace, seven years later. The Alliance unfroze Suvia, gave her medical support and named her the director of the Alliance’s Force lore and artifacts. Suvia now runs those archives, studying ancient Force rituals.    Talos Drellik:  Viri met Talos through Suvia during her Wrath days, and he was present in the Yavin 4 coalition. However, she did not really get to know Talos and consider him a friend until he joined the Alliance after her time in carbonite. She loves chatting with Talos, appreciates his enthusiasm, and is grateful that he was able to discern that she was suffering Force Walking sickness after her battle with Valkorion and the other ghosts.     Jaesa Willsaam: Jaesa in Viri's world is neither the extreme DS nor the LS version found in the game. She's an amalgam, and in my mind she's patterned a bit after Jena Malone's portrayal of Johanna Mason in the Hunger Games films. She's loyal to the end to her allies and friends, but if you cross her you will regret it.   Viri met Jaesa as described in the class story. She killed the Jedi on Tatooine because they hurt Vette. She let Jaesa's parents live and told Baras to let them live in luxury on Dromund Kaas. When she had more clout, she quietly staged a 'death' for Jaesa's parents so they would be out of Baras's crosshairs, and gave them new identities so they could live safely and anonymously. Ironically, this is the same thing Viri's own grandmother did on Naboo - staging her death to live anonymously so she would not be targeted by Baras. Viri appealed to Jaesa by telling her that nothing is black and white, but that she should explore everything and decide for herself. So Jaesa did, and she decided on the Sith. She went to Korriban to study - not in an acolyte's trial of course - around the time Viri was working with Lana Beniko on Manaan.   Jaesa vanished after Viri disappeared, and Viri and her team found her seven years later, frozen in a trap on Yavin 4. She has now rejoined the team, works extensively in both Force lore and as Viri's second in battle, and is romantically linked to Suvia Kallig.   Somminick Timmns: Viri and Somminick met as described in the class story on Belsavis. Given that they were on opposite sides, their contact was limited until they both fought in the coalition against Revan on Yavin 4. After Viri disappeared, Somminick - and his enclave of not-quite-Jedi-but-not-sure-students  were sent to fight against Zakuul. After it became obvious that it was not a winnable battle and his students would just die, Somminick walked all his survivors off the battlefield and returned to Nar Shaddaa. Satele Shan was forced to allow him to go. Somminick became an ally of Lana Beniko's, and after the Alliance was formed, he remained a valuable contact on Nar Shaddaa and communicated with both Lana and Viri via holo. When they came to NS to destroy the Star Fortress, he joined their battle. He finally came to Odessen with his students after the fall of Zakuul.   Viri and Somminick realize they have very different beliefs in the Force, but they still find common ground. Their favorite thing to do is snipe at each other, playfully - Viri will tell Somminick that she knows he's joined the Dark Council, and Somminick will tell Viri that he's so happy she's on the Jedi Council. All fake of course.

HK-51 HK-55 T7-O1

Questions for You!   💫What is your favourite fact about this character and why?   I'm not sure, to be honest. I adore Viri because she is Viri. In many ways she's an alter ego, although in many ways she's not.   ☄️ Does this OC deserve better treatment from you? Do you make them suffer just a little bit too much? Be nice to them!   I really try to temper how much Viri suffers. I feel that even though I do deviate from the game's plot after KOTET, I can't deviate entirely. Thus, she unfortunately has to go through the traitor arc. She has to deal with Iokath. I can't logically leave all those things out and say “whoops! Never happened.” 

I also have to look at what the effects would truly be for things she encounters in the story. For example she's frozen in carbonite for five years. Considering that carbonite can kill someone in a matter of hours and can cause huge amounts of damage, she could not just skip away from it. She had Valkorion in her head for five years with no way to escape. Given how evil and sadistic he was, and the small fragment of carbonite consciousness we saw in chapter 2 of KOTFE, I surmise that it would have been a terrible trauma. Valkorion would have tried to drive her mad, hollow her out on the spot or break her so she would be pliable to his suggestions. I can't sugarcoat that, so Viri has PTSD and flashbacks.   Having said that I try to give her far more agency than she has in the game and have her deal with things more effectively. And when things are not described fully or are omitted, I’ll try to run with them. For instance with the Vette vs. Torian choice, she ordered one of her top military teams to go for Torian. They didn't make it, but they still tried. With the carbonite, Lana helped with her rehabilitation and recovery and it was not overnight. With the Machone Gods, since there was no solo way to clear them in the game or see those cut scenes, I felt free to create my own path for them.  I also try to steer her toward as much happiness and love as I can. She and Lana WILL have a happy ending, both in their galaxy and the afterlife.   🌠 On a scale of 1 - 10 how Baby is your OC? BONUS when asking this question rate the OC yourself as see if the reply matches up!!   10 of course. Viri is baby. Baby who could literally melt you with the power of her mind, decapitate you in a nanosecond and scare people just by walking into a room, but I don't think she'd accept any answer other than 10.   💦 If you as the writer could erase one traumatic event from this OC’s life what would it be and why?   I would erase the assaults she suffered at Academy. And I would give Viri her parents back. That's actually what I was aiming for when I had Viri's grandmother show up on Naboo. Her parents are very much dead, but I saw an opening to make her grandmother appear, and I took it.   But in terms of the writing that is from other people, ie the game plot, unless there's some great plot twist up ahead, I would erase the current trajectory that seems to suggest that the Alliance is just going to fall under faction control entirely and the Commander is going to go back to serving their faction. In fact I don't plan on letting that happen to Viri's Alliance, even if it means I need to move the whole damned planet to another dimension a la She-Ra.

[scripttorture]

First of all, thank you for your incredible work. I am in awe of this blog and the time you must put into it. I have a question about the aftermath of torture. I am writing a story about a character who was tortured by the secret police and then sent to a labour camp for several years. During that time, he has been tortured on a number of occasions, mainly as a form of punishment. Even day to day, it is a very unhealthy place 1/3

(restrictive food rations, washing facilities treated as a luxury rather than a necessity, poor access to health-care etc.) In the story, my character has just been released, and he is both physically and mentally unwell. My question is about the onset of posttraumatic symptoms. My understanding is that some posttraumatic symptoms are initially adaptive. 2/3For instance, being on edge and thinking people might be about to kill you is an understandable, even helpful thing to feel on a battlefield. However when you are not in that environment and that still sticks, it becomes maladaptive. How would the way you deal with trauma of past torture differ if you are somewhere unsafe like a labour camp as opposed of somewhere safe (e.g. with family)? Might new symptoms start appearing after release? ¾ (previously 3 - messed up my count)  Might new symptoms start appearing after release? Might they change how they present? My MC’s trauma is going to be new to his family who have not seen him since before his arrest, but to what extent might them be new to *him* too? Thank you! 4/4

-

That’s an interesting question. Keep in mind that I’m not a mental health professional so my answer is based on a combination of survivor accounts, personal experience with mental health issues and what mental health professionals say about survivors.

 I don’t tend to think of symptoms as being adaptive while I’m writing but that’s very much bound up in how I tend to approach writing symptoms. If thinking about symptoms as adaptive and becoming maladaptive helps you then by all means use that approach. I think you can make that argument for most of the common torture symptoms.

 I’m not sure if it’s accurate to say that new symptoms appear after release, I think it might be more accurate to say new symptoms are discovered after release.

 What I mean by that is that symptoms don’t suddenly pop up out of nowhere, but they might suddenly become more apparent or consciously recognised as conditions.

 For instance- a lot of forced labour camps use dogs as guard animals and occasionally weapons. Within the camp it just makes sense to avoid the dogs. But back out in the world the character might suddenly become aware that dogs make him feel anxious, that barking causing panic attacks. And that would be a lot more difficult to deal with in a culture where dogs are companion animals that can be encountered virtually anywhere at virtually any time.

 He might also discover aspects of his symptoms that he just didn’t have a chance to notice existed before.

 For example depression often causes problems around food. It’s very common for people with depression to feel nausea and have difficulty eating. It’s also very common for people to over eat and make themselves feel sick.

 In a highly regimented environment where food is strictly controlled your character may not have experienced that particular aspect of depression. Which means any depression-related issues around food could take him completely by surprise.

 It’s also very possible for presentation of symptoms to change with time and with environment.

 If I keep using depression as an example; let’s say the character and his family recognise that his problems are probably depression and he goes for treatment quite quickly. Let’s say he gets a prescription and he’s one of the lucky people who finds an effective medication first time. As the depressive symptoms ease he might expect life to get easier- only to find that now he’s not in deep depression most of the time other symptoms become more apparent and seem more severe.

 I say ‘seem more severe’ because I’m not actually sure if symptoms really become worse in these scenarios or if they just seem worse because the survivor doesn’t have as many coping strategies for these other symptoms.

 I guess what I’m driving at here is that yes I think a lot of these symptoms and behaviours could be (or at least feel) new to the character. But they don’t necessarily have to be new to the readers.

 Establishing some of these behaviours and thought patterns beforehand or just hinting at them is perfectly realistic and can be a good narrative choice.

 I get the impression that any huge change, especially if it’s unexpected, can have a negative impact on mental health. I’m saying this because I think it’s worth stressing that going from one safe environment to another safe environment would have a negative effect on most mentally ill people.

 Suddenly being in control of his routine, the type and amount of food he can eat, access to hygiene facilities; all of that is a positive change but it would also be a stressful one. A lot of survivors from this kind of forced labour scenario seem to struggle with that sudden shift from having no real control of their lives to being in control of everything again.

 The impression I get is that at first it’s good, it’s a relief. But after a while it can become a source of stress, especially if the character’s symptoms involve memory problems.

 For instance perhaps he finds he likes spending a long time in the shower now. A lot of people find hot water soothing and it would be perfectly normal for him to indulge in something that was denied him.

 But if it becomes something that he turns to often then it could easily go past the point of soothing or indulgence and start having a negative impact on his life.

 ‘Why were you later for this appointment?’ ‘Well I was having a shower’ That lasted two hours. Why’s the water bill so high? Why’s his skin red and flaky?

 And then the behaviour starts becoming stressful, perhaps even a guilty cycle.

 Learning to establish a routine of his own again could be quite difficult. Especially if his family have little experience with mental health problems.

 Because it’s hard to tell when it’s ‘right’ to let someone have a lie in (he’s been through so much, let him rest) and when it’s an extension of depressive behaviour driving him to withdraw.

 The presentation of symptoms can change a lot with such a sudden and extreme environmental change. The reasons behind the changes can be hard to pin down and there is quite a bit of variety.

 I think the only thing I’d caution against is having a main established symptom vanish completely and replacing it with completely new, unestablished symptoms.

 Partly because I’ve never seen that described by a survivor, but also partly because I think it wouldn’t work in a story. Readers need to be able to see at least a little of where these symptoms come from and how they change. Otherwise it can seem like it’s come out of nowhere.

 Wrapping this up the ask reminded me a lot of Levi’s The Periodic Table. It’s a series of short stories covering incidents before, during and after his incarceration during the Holocaust. It’s been a long time since I read it and I’m not sure if it would be helpful to you. It might be though.

 Generally, it sounds like you’ve thought about this scenario and the character a lot. I’m confident that you’ll be able to establish the symptoms you pick and the ways those symptoms change.

 Writing this sort of long term recovery is a challenge, in part because there often isn’t a pre-defined end point. But it sounds like you are putting in the work and care a lot about how this story comes out.

 And that’s more then half the battle. :)

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[besidemethewholedamntime]

i’ll be there for you

Hello @tomatobookworm here’s your gift for the Geminids exchange! I went with Fitzsimmons and first dates. It was so much fun to write and I really enjoyed it! Thank you so much for your prompt and I hope you like it <3

I’ll be there for you

Summary: 

"She tries to stand up in order to put on her coat but as she does the world suddenly tilts and she stumbles, ungracefully grabbing at the table in order to remain standing. The cutlery jumps, and her water spills over her glass. Fitz is immediately by her side, hand gently on her elbow as he keeps her steady."

On a blind date with Fitz, Jemma suddenly becomes unwell and has to leave. On the car journey home they get to know each other. A Geminids exchange gift!

{Read on Ao3}

or read below!

“Are you quite alright?”

Jemma looks across the table at her blind date, who peers at her with concern. She wants to feel affronted, before realising that she’s breathing awfully hard with her hand clutched to her chest, and the reason he’s just asked may have something to do with the fact that she’s just coughed non-stop for two minutes and thirty-seven seconds.

“I’ll be fine.” She goes to take a sip of water. “Thank you.”

He looks doubtful. “Are you sure?”

She can understand his concern. Her face feels as though it’s on fire and she’s sure red cheeks and glassy eyes are making an appearance. Yesterday she only had a cold, if it could even be called that.  A sniffle. Throughout the day she’s gotten steadily worse to the point where their starters have only just been cleared and she’s feeling like death has suitably warmed over.

“On second thought, perhaps it is best that we give up for tonight.” She tries to smile at her date, who it has to be said is looking awfully handsome. Usually she doesn’t trust Hunter’s recommendation for dates, most of them being as animal as him, but this one seems different. A good kind of different.

“Of course.” He smiles at her, putting up his hand to signal for the bill. She goes to get out her purse and he waves her away.

“Fitz, no. I can’t let you do that. I’m cancelling barely twenty minutes in.”

“You’re ill,” he says. “And you shouldn’t have to pay when you could barely eat it.”

“All the same…”

But the waiter has already brought the bill on a silver tray that makes the world spin when Jemma looks at it and she concedes to letting Fitz pay right now, and promises herself that she’ll pay him back.

She tries to stand up in order to put on her coat but as she does the world suddenly tilts and she stumbles, ungracefully grabbing at the table in order to remain standing. The cutlery jumps, and her water spills over her glass. Fitz is immediately by her side, hand gently on her elbow as he keeps her steady.

“Oops,” she laughs weakly. “I’m very sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Fitz takes her coat and holds it while she fumbles with the arms. When her head clears, she’s sure the embarrassment will set in, but for now she can’t bring herself to care.  “Did you drive here?”

“Yes. Of course, I did.” She sees his face, or most of it anyway, looking horrified. “Don’t look at me like that,” she tells him indignantly. “I was feeling well enough to earlier on.”

“So, it’s just when you saw me then, eh?”

This Fitz is quite funny, and she wishes she didn’t feel so ill so she could have had a chance to get to know him better.  Trust this to be the time that Hunter actually picked someone half decent for her to have a date with.

“Must have been,” she manages, before a coughing fit takes her breath away.

Fitz’s concerned frown only deepens. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”

Jemma resists. “You could be an axe-murderer.”

He looks mildly amused. His eyes are like the colour of the sky, she notes. She wishes she could bottle the colour. She would make a fortune. “I promise you I’m not.”

“That is exactly what an axe-murderer would say.”

“Letting you drive home by yourself would save me the trouble of murdering you,” he remarks, gently taking her shoulders, leaving her free to resist again if she wants to. God, she wishes her head didn’t feel like the inside of a washing machine on turbo.

“Oh alright,” she relents, partly because she truly doesn’t think he’s an axe-murderer, and partly because she already feels like death anyway. “But I’m phoning Hunter to let him know what’s going on.”

“Yeah, ‘cause he’s just the type you want in an emergency.” But he pulls out his phone and brings up Hunter. “Here, have at it. You wait here and I’ll go and bring the car round.”

She didn’t even realise they’d made it outside the restaurant. It’s dark and the brightness on Fitz’s phone only intensifies her headache. She presses call.

It lasts around a minute and a half, the first thirty seconds of which were Hunter laughing uproariously at the thought of Fitz being any kind of murderer, never mind of the axe variety because his aim is appalling. Then he tells her to feel better, that he’ll pop in on her tomorrow, and to try not throw up in Fitz’s car because it wouldn’t make a good ending for their date, to which Jemma would have rolled her eyes if she could have without almost falling over. Fitz has to take her home because she can’t see straight and not for any of the fun reasons – nothing in this date qualifies as good.

“Hunter know that you’re alright?”

She’s busy staring at Fitz’s phone screen. His screensaver is of him and an older woman, with the same sky-blue eye and soft smile. “Is this your mum?”

He doesn’t snatch the phone back, but his hand reaches out in a flash, before he gently takes the phone from her unresisting fingers.

“You look like her,” Jemma says, feeling like she may have crossed a line with a man she doesn’t know.

Fitz stuffs the phone back in his pocket, taking her elbow and helping her stand up. Stand up? She hadn’t even realised she was sitting down.

“Yeah, it’s my mum.” He leads her to where his car is waiting, all warm and inviting. “Most people say I look like my dad.”

“Oh.” She leans back in the soft leather seats, closing her eyes. “Is that a bad thing?”

“It’s just a thing.” His voice is different, strained, but he’s trying and he’s been so nice so she tries too and says no more about it. Fitz shuts her door so gently that she wouldn’t even know it had the draught not disappeared.

“Your address?” His voice has changed direction, the driver’s seat now. She would open her eyes to have a look but the spinning world makes her feel sick and she really doesn’t want to be sick in his car. It’s nothing fancy but it’s ever so clean inside, and he has an air-freshener hung up on the rear-view mirror that smells like clean cotton. It’s warm, soft, and rather what she imagines the inside of a tumble dryer is like, complete with the spinning and all.

She warbles her address, hearing him tapping it into the SatNav. She feels the car start to move and the constant movement could send her to sleep but as lovely as Fitz has been, falling asleep might be too far. With the wave of nausea having passed, she opens her eyes. The car is awfully low down than it looked from the outside, and it’s uncomfortably too long before she realises that it’s just because she’s slumped down in her seat, probably showcasing several chins while she’s as it.

“I’m sorry, Fitz,” she sighs, sitting up and leaning against the cool window instead.

He glances quickly over. “Don’t be.”

“I feel horrible.” Both physically and mentally but she figures there’s no need to say it. “I hate feeling like I’ve wasted your time.”

“You didn’t,” he laughs, watching the road. “Trust me, I didn’t have anything better to do.”

“Hunter tells me that you’re an engineer.”

“I am. But that’s kind of all I do.” She watches him, and he wonders if he can feel her puffy eyes on his face. He still doesn’t look at her. “I don’t have many hobbies.”

“You don’t?”

“I have boring things, I suppose. I like to read, like to design. I can cook, but the only people that eat it are me or the dog.”

“And are you looking for something more?”

She doesn’t know what posses her to ask it while she’s semi-conscious in his car, when there’s a very good chance that the answer won’t matter to her either way. He intrigues her, this man who seems like someone Hunter wouldn’t know. Maybe it’s the cold she’s dying of currently, or maybe it’s something else, but strangely she doesn’t want this car journey to end.

“Yeah.” One hand scrubs down his face. “I guess. I dunno. Something more could be nice.”

Something more. Had he come here tonight hoping that she could be that something more? Perhaps it’s better than it’s ending now. Something tells her it would be unbearable to disappoint him.

It’s a lot of thinking for her muddled brain and she steers the conversation back to shallow waters. “What’s your dog called?”

Fitz laughs. “He’s called Ben. He’s a spaniel.”

“I like spaniels,” she murmurs.

“Then you’d like Ben. He’s adorable.”

What if this didn’t have to be the end of it? While it hasn’t been the most promising of beginnings, maybe this doesn’t have to be the end? Her and Fitz could be friends, couldn’t they? He could make her dinner and she could meet his dog. These fever dreams float through her head and she does nothing to discourage them.

“What are you smiling about?”

She opens her eyes. They’ve stopped at a traffic light and Fitz’s face glows red. He must think she’s a right idiot.

“Nothing,” she says quickly. “I’m just, uh, you know, thinking about things. A cold does that to you, sometimes. Makes you think about strange things.”

“Ah.” The light turns green and his attention goes back to the road. “Can’t say I’ve ever experienced it.”

“I’m not usually like this, you know,” she bursts out, eager to make him understand. “I’m coming across as a lot stranger than I am.”

“I don’t know about that.” There’s a twinkle in his eye. “Hunter said you were pretty strange.”

“Did he?” Oh that absolute ba- She takes a deep breath. “Well, he can talk, can’t he? I once saw him put tuna on pizza. He has no right to be calling someone strange when he’s doing that.”

Fitz’s face screws up in apparent disgust. “Aw, did he? That’s disgusting. You’re right. He’s the weirdo.”

They’re silent for a minute, Fitz concentrating on the roundabout ahead. When they’re safely over, he tells her, “I don’t think you’re strange.”

She blinks at him. “You don’t?”

“No. I mean I don’t know you very well, but I don’t think you’re strange based on tonight. You’re not well. I don’t judge you for it.”

“What a relief,” she says and finds that, actually, it is somewhat a relief. “I think you’re very nice.”

“Really?” The surprise in his voice surprises her. “Why?”

“You’re taking me home when I almost threw up all over your dinner and you don’t even seem to mind that much. That’s nice, Fitz.”

He shrugs. “Just seems decent.”

She laughs incredulously. “Seriously?”

“Nah, not quite. But I mean any decent person would offer.”

“In case it’s escaped your notice, there aren’t many decent people out there.”

“It hasn’t.” His voice shifts, becomes the way it was earlier. “That’s why I like dogs.”

She nods. “That’s why I like science.”

“You’re a scientist?”

She narrows her eyes at him. “Did we not cover this earlier?”

“No, we didn’t get that far,” he says and she wonders how out of it she was. Sitting here, in this warm car, her head feels a bit clearer.

“Oh.” Her cheeks burn. “I’m sorry. Yes. Pharmacology and drug discovery and things.”

“Sounds fascinating.”

It sounds like he genuinely finds it to be so and her heart feels warm. “Yes, it is. It’s complex but also simple in a way. You don’t have to gauge human emotions and try to play to people’s sensibilities. Reaction pathways and feedback loops are what they are and do what they do, no matter what people think of it.”

“That’s why I like engineering.” He’s indicating to turn right and is watching the road intently, giving her an opportunity to study his face once again. It’s amazing how expressive it is. She doesn’t think she could tire of watching it. “Forces and bearings and equations are all the same, really. It works or it doesn’t.”

“Yes,” she says, smiling. They’re about two streets away from her flat now and she wishes they had more time. “Exactly that.”

They pull up outside her door and, as much as when she first arrived in the restaurant she wanted nothing more than her bed, now she finds she doesn’t want to get out of the car. Her stomach drops like a lead balloon, and it’s not the sign of imminent vomiting, but something else, something more.

She goes to open her door but Fitz is out and round and opening it for her before she even has her seatbelt undone. He holds out his arm.

“Need a hand?”

“Yes,” she smiles even though she feels a little bit sad. “Please.”

Gingerly she gets out of the car, the change in height making her feel unsteady on her feet again and she’s thankful for Fitz by her side. It takes them a while,  but eventually they manage to make it to the second floor, and under her instruction he fishes the keys from her handbag and unlocks the door before helping her to the sofa.

“Are you alright?” He asks once she’s sat down.

“Um…” her reply is shaky. Stars float around her field of vision and the berry scented diffuser that she so loved when she bought it yesterday amplifies her nausea by tenfold.

“Where’s your kitchen?” Fitz asks, already looing around. “I’ll get you some water.”

Thank goodness I cleaned is what she thinks while gesturing vaguely in the direction of it. Not that her kitchen is ever unclean but all the same… the last thing she’d want is someone judging her for dust.

It seems like he’s only gone a second and then he returns with a glass of water that she accepts gratefully. “Thank you,” she breathes. “That’s much better.”

Fitz has been rather confident all night, or sure of himself at least. Now he shuffles awkwardly from side to side and she braces herself for what’s to come.

“I’m uh… I’ll let you get some rest now.”

She nods. “Okay. Thank you. Sorry for ruining your night.”

He rolls his eyes but smiles. “You didn’t ruin my night, Jemma. I promise you that.”

She doesn’t entirely believe him but she’ll accept it for now. She leans back against the sofa, letting her head sink into the cushions. “It was really lovely to meet you, Fitz. Thank you for being so kind.”

He ducks his head but she sees a slight simple. “It was no bother.” She goes to get up but he waves her away. “I’ll see myself out.”

Her head swims and so she’s just able to nod, telling herself that the sinking feeling is due to illness as she hears his footsteps recede across the laminate floor. Then, just as he’s almost out the door, she bolts up.

“Fitz! Wait!” She stood up too fast and when her vision clears Fitz is standing half out the door, confusion on his face.

“What is it?”

“The money. I forgot to pay for my half of dinner. Two minutes and I’ll get my purse.”

“It’s fine.” He waves away her offer once more. “You can pay for the next one.” And with a cheeky grin on his face, he’s gone.

She sits down on the couch, a similar sort of grin on her own face. The next one. Perhaps he wasn’t totally put off by her phlegm. There’s so much she’d like to over-analyse and dissect but there’s only enough energy in her to half-crawl to her bedroom and into a pair of pyjamas, and to text Hunter that she got home alive, before she falls asleep.

-x-

In the morning, with her mouth feeling like cotton wool and her head ridiculously heavy, she sees she has an expected reply.

Kept the best til last – thought you’d appreciate him more that way. I expect to be Maid of Honour.

And one of the unexpected variety.

Ben says he hopes you’re feeling better this morning, and also asks if you’d like to go to the park sometime? Fitz might be there too

She smiles softly, feeling herself glow, and hugs the phone to her chest before rolling over and falling back to sleep.

[littlehollyleaf]

anyway, so - Eddie and Foxy

(oh I’m sorry you thought I was DONE?)

(actually I really am sorry - I know I have other messages and tagged posts waiting and I promise I’ve seen them and I really do wanna respond! I just -

~FEELINGS)

Can I just say - this little line -

Foxy: Heard you were dead, Ed

Because the delivery makes me smile okay? It’s the way Foxy puts a slight emphasis on ‘Ed’ - kinda like he’s TRYING to EMPHASISE THE RHYME? 

A little bit of Eddie’s theatrics rubbing off on him? Or Foxy tailoring his speech/behaviour to match Eddie’s? Either way I find it very, very cute :)

Other things that are super cute - this moment -

When they visit the crime scene and Foxy deliberately hangs back to give Ed space to investigate - silently acknowledging that Ed is more capable.

But ALSO - we see Foxy watching with the above curious, maybe slightly nervous, expression. And I imagine a variety of things crossing his mind in that moment. 

A touch of anxiety perhaps - that he’s making a mistake working with a known felon and murderer, is it morally/ethically sound?; that Ed won’t, or worse can’t, help him, because how will the GCPD ever stop the bomber and bring Haven justice then?

But alongside all that it also looks, to me, like Foxy is kinda nervously excited to see what Ed uncovers, to watch Ed work. I mean, it’s not fanboy level interest or anything like that! But I do get a sense of personal interest from Foxy. We’re not quite Watson eagerly waiting on Holmes’ deduction, but we’re in the vicinity!

Basically - there’s a nice level of quiet anticipation in Foxy here that I really love.

And it’s followed up by Foxy tiling his head and prompting Ed by saying his name - not softly, but not impatiently either. It’s a sort of firm but questioning - ‘Ed?’ and the tone suggests to me a dual worry that Ed might be stalling and isn’t going to help (putting Foxy on the edge of distrust/impatience) and also that, for whatever reason (ie. his mental heath issues or his current physical condition), Ed is too unwell to help and may be on the verge of collapse or a breakdown (nudging up Foxy’s compassion and/or pity). It’s Foxy trying to figure out if he should be berating Ed or tending to him, basically!

Then ofc Ed launches into ‘Detective Mode’ (Arkham Games pun there :p) and Foxy relaxes and joins in and they both happily lose themselves in the science of it all :) 

Partners in Forensics <3

(no wait, couldn’t you technically, actually, literally call it ‘Partners in Crime’ ie. crime solving?? omg wordplay is the best)

And and - there’s a couple of moments during the deduction when both of them get mildly frustrated with each other, but it’s mitigated by the overriding respect each of them are feeling for the other as well -

1) Foxy’s weary response to Ed gleefully comparing the crime scene to a ‘classic locked room mystery’ and beginning his theatrical summary of exactly what a locked room mystery is. You can just HEAR Foxy thinking ‘oh god, another riddle/performance, can’t he just get to the point?’ 

Except moments later Foxy is actually engaging with Ed’s ‘performance’ - giving the correct ‘answer’ to a locked room mystery (ie. that the killer was already in the room) and going on to ask Ed, GENUINELY CURIOUS, if that means the bomb was already in the building. Seriously, I swear Foxy doesn’t look mad or impatient when he asks the question, he’s back to being properly lost in the puzzle and eager for Ed’s insight.

2) After Ed has offered his explanation/theory, in true theatrical fashion, about the oil drum (or whatever it was) being used as a bomb, Foxy offers his piece of glass as a possible rebuttal (also somewhat theatrically now I think about it since he deliberately offers it without explanation, forcing a follow up question from Ed - more adoption of Ed’s mannerisms?). Ed just looks at him and there’s a touch, I think, of suppressed disdain in his voice when he answers - ‘glass?’ Because Foxy is not only questioning the genius of Ed’s deduction, he’s also just messed up Ed’s performance by failing to applaud, or the equivalent of.

And yet, the disdain IS SUPPRESSED and tempered by GENUINE CURIOSITY. Ed isn’t just dismissive of Foxy, despite maybe wanting to be. He is also very much ACTUALLY ASKING for Foxy’s explanation, because he respects Foxy enough to know that whatever Foxy is bringing to his attention actually probably IS relevant.

...they go on to speak in tandem after that <3 perfect timing, having gone on a whole intellectual back and forth that has been bringing them slowly closer and closer until they are perfectly united :)

One very last thing! (...for now :p)

This is Eddie’s reaction to Foxy giving him the folder ie. the thing he was desperate for when they started and the reason he agreed to partner up with Foxy in the first place (oh damn, this plot and Jim and Ozzie’s plot were ACTUAL MIRRORS of each other this episode - Jim and Foxy both agreeing to ‘partner’ with their respective Rogue, should have twigged that sooner!)

Anyway, this comes after Ed has given his heartfelt speech about hoping Foxy finds whoever is responsible and makes them pay.

The caps really don’t do the reaction justice, because Eddie is honestly SO SHOCKED/SURPRISED at being handed the folder. It’s like... like his big speech was intended as his goodbye. There’s certainly a sense of finality to it. Eddie saying ‘this is where we part ways.’ Meaning, guys, I swear, by this point -

EDDIE HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE FOLDER!!

He’d got so swept up in the investigation (and spending time with Foxy?) that it had became his sole focus. He was no longer helping for the reward, he was helping BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. 

...and sure, maybe it’s largely because he got invested in the mystery/puzzle of it. But the way he gets so sombre at the end makes me think there was a fair part of him that was shocked/sickened by the bombing enough to want to help in order to get justice for it as well 

(he’s like Ozzie in that way perhaps - sickened and honestly wanting justice, but also happy to capitalise on the aftermath of the tragedy for personal benefit ie. Ozzie sets himself up as more of a hero because he enjoys the love of the people it provides him (and enjoys spending time with Jim?) while Eddie helps solve the crime because he enjoys the puzzle of it (and enjoys spending time with Foxy?)... maybe maybe...) 

But anyway, however you break it down, Eddie ended up caring more about solving a puzzle with Foxy than getting his prize and I - *clutches heart*

Gonna end with this look Foxy gives Ed after giving him the folder. 

Because it’s beautiful. 

(what’s that quote, about looking at people you love when they can’t see?)

(this may have been a transparent excuse for me to make and stare at more pretty pictures of my boys but you can’t prove anything) 

(I’ll try and engage with other posts/theories/characters soon... but I make no promises!)

[cjdemooi]

I contracted HIV in early 1988 while I was sleeping on the streets and earning a little money as a beggar and prostitute in London.

I had been feeling unwell so went to the Chelsea and Westminster hospital. I had a blood test and was shortly after told of the diagnosis. The only emotion I felt was relief and, walking down the road, I remember smiling broadly. This was it. My brief but awful life was coming to an abrupt end and frankly I was glad.

I grew up in an atmosphere of racism, homophobia and violence, had no friends and had been bullied daily at school. I was told repeatedly that I was worthless and unloved so was now facing the right and proper outcome. I actually had something to look forward to.

Later in the year I stowed away on a ferry to Amsterdam as I simply didn’t want to die in Britain. While there, something changed. I met an English guy called Keith who worked at the Dutch version of The Salvation Army. We talked and he even let me stay with him for a few nights as I was, shall we say, somewhat different to most of the clients he encountered.

He persuaded me to see a doctor and start taking medication although I was very loathe to do so. I agreed because he was the first person I’d ever met who was genuinely kind to me without demanding anything in return. He only wanted to help. He was my inspiration and the reason that since then, I’ve volunteered for HIV and homeless charities. I began helping out at the Army immediately even though I was still officially using their services.

The medication I began taking was not at all pleasant. A daily dose of 30 capsules, each quite large and to be kept refrigerated. This meant it was a very uncomfortable sensation to swallow each one. I began dreading the next batch of 5 to such a point that I was dry heaving every time. In addition they had quite severe side effects and I became increasingly unwell and frail. 

My physical appearance wasn’t helped by the development of dark blotches on my skin, most noticeably my arms. This was Kaposi’s Sarcoma, a cancer known to be an AIDS Related Compound. The capsules weren’t working, I was becoming very ill and needed to escape. I made a half hearted suicide attempt with another young man I knew from working in a brothel as I’d just given up. I didn’t go through with it as to take my own life would, as I saw it, give too many people satisfaction. I was too angry for that.

Amsterdam had now become synonymous with my impending death so I jumped on a train to Cologne. I was begging outside a bar and, by pure luck, was presented with the opportunity that finally got me off the streets.

A few weeks later, having finally secured a long term job and accommodation, I began tentatively to think about where I should go from there. I’d never believed I was going to have, or deserve, any sort of future so this was a brand new concept. I started new medication, this time only 8 tablets a day, although their dimensions made them far more suitable for horses! The Sarcoma on my arms faded over time and my CD4 count began to cautiously rise. I continued with the same regime throughout my time in Germany, another stint in the Netherlands and eventual return to Britain in 1995.

I’m still not sure why I came back but I was inexperienced and naive so the procedure to apply for residency or full time employment in Europe may have seemed daunting.

However, I think this was a mistake. As soon as I got back I became very depressed and stopped taking the drugs. My health immediately deteriorated and, as has been well documented, a large tumour developed in my mouth. After trying to ignore it for many months, I had surgery.

By now I had met the man who I would one day marry but in the early days I was a less than pleasant partner. I knew I’d fallen in love with him the very first day we met but kept pushing him away. I had no doubt I wasn’t going to live to see the millennium so what was the point? I didn’t want to hurt him by dying or hurt myself by being forced to leave him so early.

Against the odds, he stuck by me and would not leave. He persuaded me to start with new medicine so I was put on a course of only 4 tablets a day which was far more manageable. He talked to me, supported me and most amazingly, became the first person to love me. 

My health improved (it’s true what they say about the love of a good man!) and I grew fitter and stronger. In about 2007 I changed medication once again, this time to just 2 tablets a day. I began running which is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made as the benefits have been sensational.

Then, in 2016, my world was destroyed. My career, reputation and livelihood were decimated in one fell swoop as lies upon lies were published about me. I was on a downward spiral but was still relatively okay. Unfortunately, in mid 2017 matters deteriorated severely and my physical and mental health did so too.

Towards the end of 2018, my doctor advised I was so seriously ill to be hospitalised. The stress and pain of everything I was going through was quite literally killing me. My CD4 count dropped below 100, I visibly lost weight and became lethargic and withdrawn. My doctor wrote to the other side pleading he was seriously concerned about me and there were terminal risks due to the pressure I was under. This letter was completely disregarded and described as irrelevant. I had lost everything and now my house was in imminent danger. I was about to become homeless with an AIDS diagnosis. Through no fault of my own, everything was about to come full circle.

My supporters, especially on social media, kindly contributed to a GoFundMe page that was set up and for which I am immensely grateful. It’s unlikely to raise enough save my house but the longer I can fight, the better. The problem is, how long I’ll have the strength to do so.

A few weeks ago, my doctor desperately switched my treatment, now down to a single tablet a day (a far cry from the 30 cold capsules all those years ago) and it does seem to have helped. I’m also on iron and vitamin supplements in an attempt to maintain vitality.

The fact is, I’m still seriously ill although thankfully back from the brink I was on earlier this year. My immune system was almost obliterated and I was so vulnerable, any infection might have killed me. In preparation, I wrote my will, not that I had much of anything left to give.

Even after all this time, people continue to lie about and bully me. Only this time, they’re willing to gamble with, or even destroy, my health. My doctor closely monitors me and I see him for a variety of blood tests every 8 weeks. He has suggested other invasive procedures which may help but I have refused, at least until the current situation is resolved and I feel stronger.

I still don’t want to die in this country but, more urgently, I don’t want to die because some cowardly bullies think they can get away with it.

I am not defined by my HIV status although it of course has a daily impact. Even someone as fit as me can be reduced, shockingly quickly as was all too obvious for everyone to see recently, to a very weak shadow. I am seriously ill and cancer remains a lingering threat but I can’t live my life in fear. I don’t know how much time I’ve got  but I now have, and deserve, a reason to fight.

[sheppardmckay]

I don’t normally share too much personal stuff for a variety of reasons but I’ve been really sick for awhile. Sick enough that it scared me.

Today, I (finally) got a diagnosis of Hashimoto’s Disease (Hashimoto’s hypothyroiditis), an autoimmune disease.

I’m somewhere between relieved and freaked. I’ve been having spikes in some scary physical symptoms for a couple of years. The last 6 months have been hell on a number of fronts. My depression and anxiety worsened to levels I have not had in years and I’m not shocked to find that high stress levels are a common trait for Hashimoto’s.

I started looking things up but stopped for now because it seems there’s a big learning curve for figuring out how to deal with this going forward and frankly, I still feel so unwell that I am just not in the mood to get into it immediately.

So, if anyone comes across this tag and has any advice, info, comfort or whatever for a relative newb who just got diagnosed feel free to lay it on me.

[wellesleyunderground]

Self-Care Chat with Taylor Stewart ‘15 on Spiritual Wellness

Interview by Cleo Hereford ‘09

The Wellesley Alumnae of African Descent (WAAD) selected Wellness and Self-Care as the theme for April 2019 and offered a variety of activities for alums. One of these activities was a spiritual wellness seminar led by Taylor Stewart ‘15 which I took part in virtually on a Saturday afternoon in late April. After graduating from Wellesley, Taylor received her Master of Divinity from Harvard Divinity School and is currently pursuing a doctoral degree in counseling psychology at Boston College; Taylor also serves as an advisor to Wellesley’s Black Women’s Ministry. After the seminar, I connected with Taylor to chat more about self-care and spirituality. 

Before pursuing a counseling psychology degree, you received a Master of Divinity. What led you to become initially interested in the intersections between religion and psychology?

Growing up, I knew that I wanted to be a therapist. I wanted to help people heal. What that looked like in practice, I had no clue. Would I be a marriage therapist? Would I work with children? Adults? In a school? In a hospital? I let the specifics of this desire metamorph throughout my college experience. I worked with children with severe psychiatric disorders. I joined a lab that looked at friendship pairings through a lens of prejudice and discrimination. I worked with people attending support groups. But, of all these experiences, the most transformative one for me was going back home the summer after my junior year and working with a local HIV/AIDS nonprofit.

During one of the support groups - comprised of a group of Black men all living with HIV/AIDS - a shift happened. As they were all sharing their stories, one of the counselors began to bring up religion and spirituality. Tears began to fall down these men’s faces as they expressed how their faith sustains them as they navigate complicated, and sometimes difficult, family and friend situations since learning of their HIV/AIDS status. Immediately after this support group, I asked the counselor how he was able to do what he did? How did he know how to lead these men in exploring their spiritual life? Was that allowed in his role as a social worker? And he told me, “I have my Masters of Divinity. That’s how I’m able to do it.”

In that moment, I knew that that was exactly what I wanted to do. I left that meeting and, as a stereotypical Wellesley woman, I researched all of the joint divinity and social work/counseling masters’ programs on the east coast and made a list of all of the places that I was interested in applying to. My entire life up until that point, my faith and spirituality were what kept me from giving up in the midst of extreme adversities. It was my pillar. To learn that I could receive training to bring religion and spirituality into the counseling arena was like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. That moment is what led me to where I am today.

In terms of research, you’re specifically interested in how religious/spiritual beliefs affect coping and resilience. What have you learned about the relationship between these two areas thus far? Do you study this topic through any particular religious lens?

Religion/spirituality and coping/resilience are extremely interconnected. Not only have religion and spirituality been identified as protective factors in buffering against developing or displaying symptoms of mental illness, they have also been positively linked to psychological well-being and overall health. When people experience stressors in life - be it illness, tragedy, dissolution of relationships, financial hardship, etc. - many turn to their faith as a source of meaning and support. Additionally, religion and spirituality offer practitioners with opportunities for connection - connection with a higher power, connection with those who share similar beliefs, connection with ancestors, connection with the divine. Connection is an important part of the healing process and can aid people in showing resilience in the face of adversity.

I do not study the intersections of religion and psychology through a particular religious lens, rather I focus on the psychological benefits of religious and spiritual belief using a pluralistic framework. This was a huge reason why I decided to go to Harvard Divinity School to pursue my MDiv. Unlike almost all other divinity schools in the country, Harvard’s divinity school gave me an opportunity to be immersed in a setting that was comprised of people from many different faith backgrounds and walks of life. While there, I had the opportunity to provide spiritual counseling to patients diagnosed with terminal illness from a variety of religious (or no religious) backgrounds, and I witnessed firsthand how people draw from an array of religious and spiritual resources to make meaning and find strength in the midst of what they are going through. There is no singular religious or spiritual orientation that humanity espouses, rather it is through being sensitive to the plurality present that I feel I can be most effective in my work.

As an advisor to Wellesley's Black Women’s Ministry, how do you help Wellesley students in terms of thinking about their spiritual wellness in what can be a very stressful W ‘bubble’?

It is such a joy advising Black Women’s Ministry. In terms of students’ spiritual wellness, I make a point to check in with the students about how they are doing each week, what’s going well, what’s going not so well, and how (if at all) their faith is being a resource for them. I intentionally try to think of programming - be those panels, conversations, activities, etc. - that may help them in identifying and understanding how people who share their faith navigate certain issues that arise within and beyond the Wellesley setting. I also make myself available to meet with students one-on-one who are looking for advice regarding their faith and certain things that are coming up for them.

However, most importantly, I serve as a resource and source of support for the students who are a part of Black Women’s Ministry. We talk about the stressors of Wellesley. We talk about what it means to be Christian at Wellesley, and emphasize that that may look different from person to person. We talk about ways to make all feel welcome to the space that is Black Women’s Ministry. The students who are a part of Black Women’s Ministry also share their experiences with each other. Some of the most powerful moments have been watching how they are willing to be vulnerable with each other and pray with each other. In our last meeting of the academic year this past Thursday, students were sharing how much it means for them to have this space while at Wellesley - which we all know can be a very intense experience.

You also provide spiritual wellness seminars. How do you think taking an inventory of one’s spiritual wellness can contribute to their overall self-care? If a person finds that they are spiritually unwell, what steps would you suggest to them to address it?

Taking inventory of your spiritual wellness can help you identify both areas of strength and areas in need of improvement. When you are aware of this, you can work towards getting to a place of greater spiritual wellness and alignment. Self-care is simply caring for the self, and the self is comprised of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual dimensions. When your health is lacking any of these areas, the other areas will be impacted. So making sure to care for all of these dimensions, including the spiritual, can be very beneficial for overall self-care.

When you have identified an area where you are spiritually unwell or not as well as you desire to be, you should ask yourself the following: For me, what does it look like to be spiritually well in this area? What are some tangible steps I can take to improve my wellness in this area? While doing this, it is important to remember that everyone is on their own spiritual journey, and what a person considers to be well is unique to the individual. So, try to resist comparing yourself to how well you think others are while you’re in the process of improving your own spiritual wellness. Really hone in on what spiritual wellness looks like for you.

It is also critical to identify realistic actions you can take toward improving your wellness in the identified area. For example, you may feel that you are spiritually unwell when it comes to taking time to really tap into your core and be grounded. And you have identified that this is important for your spiritual and overall wellness because you perform better and have more peace when you’re more in tune with your inner self. To improve this area, you may decide to take 5 minutes at some point throughout the day to pause and focus on being fully present within yourself. If this happens in your room, these 5 minutes may look like closing your eyes as you sit on the bed or a mat and quieting all of the noise around you in order to center your attention to grounding yourself. If you’re walking home from work, these 5 minutes may look like taking time to feel each step you take as you focus on your breath in order to feel more in tune. Intentionally repeating this small action each day or a few times a week over time will most likely enhance your wellness in the area where you felt less spiritually well. And this improvement will have a ripple effect into other areas of your life.

When you think about this type of wellness, how do you feel about Wellesley’s #WomenWhoWill culture of achievement?

Wellesley’s mission to educate “women who will make a difference in the world” and the culture of achievement inherent in #WomenWhoWill further emphasize the need for attention to be given to spiritual wellness. It is more difficult to make a difference in the world when you are unwell, and it is essential to prioritize our well-being while endeavoring to make a difference.

Finally, what is your self-care philosophy?

My self-care philosophy is a holistic one. I believe that in order to fully care for ourselves, we have to care for every part of ourselves. To only care for the physical, does not give adequate care for the mental, emotional, and spiritual. To only care for the spiritual, does not give adequate care for the mental, physical, and emotional. I believe that complete self-care is all encompassing. It is making the choice to prioritize each area of your being that needs care. I also believe that self-care should be continually practiced. It is not only reserved for when you are feeling depleted. Rather, it should be an ongoing act. A gift to yourself.

You can follow Taylor on Instagram: @taylor.wellnessmaven

You may also be interested in: 

Religion & Self-Care: Rachel Ayn Konick ‘09

[tothineownselfbetrue2108-blog]

Oft expectation fails and most oft there Where most it promises, and oft it hits Where hope is coldest and despair most fits

Lately there has been so much focus on mental health, the need to seek help and talk continuously, incessantly about one’s feelings. As someone who had a rough couple of months in 2018 and a job which while isn’t exactly rocket science is for a firm that seemingly hires the most difficult people on the planet and has me interact with them on a daily basis, my threshold for rubbish has been lowered significantly to the extent that it doesn’t take much to set off a crying episode. Towards December last year I genuinely wondered if the crying episodes and the constant lack of energy was cause for concern. More so because I typically am a sun shiney person. I laugh easily and often and as a rule love life and the world. I even asked my mother if these were symptoms of something murkier. For a woman who normally fusses like a maniac when I’m unwell she turned around and said that I was perfectly ok and nothing a little time off couldn’t cure. So for 2 weeks I did nothing but read, binge watch rubbish, stuff my face with the mother’s cooking and completely switched off. As always a mother knows best. She threw some complimentary cuddles in because let’s face it one can be 50 and still need a mother to fuss. And it was exactly what was needed. My mother told me that the constant bursting into tears wasn’t sadness it was just anger manifesting itself in all the weirdest ways possible. Anger at the inability to control every aspect of my life.  Anger at an almost perfect life being tossed around a bit. It was just that. Anger. She then told me I was her daughter and Doris and Lucy’s granddaughter and so I come from a line of very spirited women just not depressed ones. So sometimes one doesn’t need a therapist or to seek professional help because not every instance of prolonged sadness is clinical depression. Not every problem needs a counsellor. It’s normal to be sad some days and when life knocks you a few it’s normal to not get up immediately. But that in no way means that there is a clinical cause for concern which can only be sorted out with laying out every feeling one has ever felt since they became a person in front of a therapist.

Now this is not to trivialize the suffering of people who do actually have depression. And mental illness is just as painful as the physical I’m sure and just like a physical ailment nothing to feel ashamed about. And if someone is constantly feels that their life is not worth living, it’s not a problem that can or should be wished away. But if the feeling of worthlessness arises because one thinks their life isn’t as fantastic or Instagrammable as the neighborhood influencer then that by no means is reason to seek help. Help of a different kind maybe but not of the psychiatric variety.  And what even is an influencer? Influencers are to 2019 what real estate and interior designing was to 2010. A euphemism for way too much free time and not enough skill. Depressed because a relationship didn’t work out? That’s the daftest reason to be depressed. I’ve said this on the blog before and I’ll say it again because I can never say this enough, plenty, much better fish in the sea. And it’s not humanely possible to only want one fish. Me, I only like seer fish but when I say seer fish I mean the general type of fish not the one seer fish I might’ve known when I was 25. Because as some of you know, that was no seer fish. More like river fish. Cheap, I hated the sight of it and have kept bargepole distance since then of the type. Where was I again? Why do I get carried away with my analogies? So yes a relationship didn’t work out? Someone else will come along. Unless of course you were in a relationship with someone who was a Tom Hiddleston meets Trevor Noah meets Sachin Pilot. In which case no one better will ever come along and you need therapy just to understand why you couldn’t hold onto the most perfect man in the world.

So while I may not need therapy to treat depression, it has been brought to my attention by my mother that I have something of my temper (that’s my mother- keeping it real, mixing cuddles with criticism since I could talk) and she has suggested anger management. Granted I don’t have the cutesy temper anymore these days where I get cross and pull a face and I did show signs of Mamata Banerjee’s temper who we can all agree has nothing cute about it but I don’t know about anger management. So I have decided when I feel an onset of irritability that could morph into a tantrum that I will go all Catholic on my temper- 1 Our Father and 3 Hail Mary’s later when the irritability hasn’t been healed by the power of God’s love, I silently wish that the cause of the irritability gets an itch in the very wrongest of places which only surfaces in public. Of course in India that isn’t the curse I think it is because nothing beats a nice long jolly good scratch. Location agnostic. And then the sheer grossness of the view can get me annoyed again. So it’s a vicious circle really.

[atwoodk]

Doctor and Patient Interactions 

We know that people do not typically like to go to the doctor. What are some of the reasons that might make people not present to healthcare providers? Think about individual, systemic, and/or relational factors that can impact this phenomenon. What are some of the potential consequences of not presenting for medical care when it could be helpful?

In general, nobody likes to be unwell and a lot of individuals will put off going to the doctors for reasons like not being able to afford to have time off work, the cost of the consult, individuals think they can deal with symptoms, they might not know where the most appropriate place to go, might have had a bad experience, or that they think they will experience a lack of cultural sensitive from health professionals and this is only to name a few.

When looking at the individual level the first thing that comes to mind is the construct of gender roles.  Women do tend to go to the doctors more than men do, but their experiences will be vastly different as when women report having symptoms it falls into this category of “women problems”, and in reality, this impact majorly on whether women will want to go to health professionals as their health is being problematized by this category. Why would you want to seek professional help, if it’s all going to be labeled as women issues? On the other hand, men don’t go to the doctors as much because it is assumed that men should be fit, strong, and healthy and surely going to the doctors would upset this perception and they feel they should work through the pain. This can lead to more serious problems occurring, and the initial problem is harder to treat.

Systemically, there are a variety of issues that can impact whether people will present to healthcare professionals, starting with access to doctors/healthcare professionals. There might not be any access in your neighborhood and for communities in poverty there might not be access to care leading to a drive further away, there might be limited bus runs, and childcare may be needed. Then once people arrive at the doctors/health professionals they are limited by time constraints of a 15-minute consultations where they are expected to explain what the problem is, have time for the doctor to make a diagnosis, tell the patient the diagnosis, and then have times for explanations and questions. This is an immense amount to do in a limited time, also with the possibility that the time will be cut short. I have had the experience as I’m sure most people have of the doctor being late for your appointment because of the previous appointment, and then the doctor tries to rush through your appointment to catch up on the appointment after you. Which ends in your feeling that you haven’t had enough time to explain yourself, or you aren’t fully aware of the diagnosis and are left with questions. In cohesion with the limited time with the doctor, the environment can play a huge role as it can be noisy, there might not be much privacy and with that, you might not feel comfortable participating in physical examinations as it could be something very private and personal. Therefore,  this time pressure and lack of comfortability, it can affect whether or not health professionals are going to get the full story of what is wrong with the individual, consequently potentially impacting on the individual’s health or being misdiagnosed.

On the relational aspect, there is a wide range of barriers, for instance, the health professionals’ attitude towards individuals, as mentioned earlier women’s health is problematized through alignment of the biomedical model and what has been ingrained in certain health professionals. From this view, they are not looking at the whole picture and missing pieces to the puzzle that could be filled using the biopsychosocial model.  The attitude that can be presented to the individual off this basis is that of an authoritarian or dismissive health professional, which can involve little respect for the person or their culture, involve negative attitudes, negative verbal or emotive cues, and dominate decision making. I have had an experience where I had an appointment with my occupational therapist, and she said to me “you should be better by now, you must be doing something wrong” so it felt like I was being blamed for not being better. When in fact is it not a health professional’s job to find out the reasoning behind why you are not better? and not to end up being blamed for it? It is this scenario that does put people off getting help and they are the ones that suffer due to a decline in health and not getting the appropriate treatment needed.

Another massive problem is with dominant decision-making as the patient is not getting all the options and in fact, there could be an option that would work better for them based on their current situation than what is being offered. Which highlights what has been said and demonstrated through this whole course that health is complex and it is never going to be ‘one size fits all’, and it is a concept that needs to be moved away from in giving people the best possible care in regards to their health.

Furthermore, there is also the barrier of technical language which health professionals use when addressing and explaining to patients about health constructs. Patients would describe it as health professionals speaking another language, how are patients supposed to engage when they don’t know what is been spoken about, therefore limiting their ability to further ask questions? In using technical language, it not only contributes to the patient not understanding what is going on, but it also can impact on compliance with medications whilst also reinforcing power imbalances, which can have a detrimental effect. Alongside the technical language being to present, it seems that the cultural language is unseen in interactions between patients and health care professionals that can contribute to barriers to seeking healthcare.  

The consumer voice in the health care video clip was very relational in this topic as it stressed the importance of health is for the consumer, so why is it that the biomedical model still so dominates and that there has not been enough movement to incorporate the environmental, cultural, or trans-inclusive care that is so immediately needed. The clip also pointed out that health professionals delivering services and making policies are going to lose out on meeting the needs of their services they are providing and that’s by not listening to the consumer who is their target audience. They are missing the keyway to making their services successful, by doing something as simple as listening to the consumers who are always going to bring to the table the knowledge these providers are lacking. With such a minor adjustment it allows being able to tailor services appropriately, which means consumers are getting what they need to improve their health, whilst healthcare professionals are improving on their services. Is this not a win-win situation right here?

[sawyernathan1991]

What Means Reiki Astounding Diy Ideas

But don't just look at the head of the first time, my daughter's eczema.If you are taking Reiki classes charge from their place in my mind before knowing them from me.The miraculous medicine of all levels of reiki is done in a three-step process.You may also be applied to the energies to transfer the Reiki power symbol actually increases the flow of energy and different attunement processes.

So once you're set on that Reiki is also to help them or prevent us from Source and channel this universal energy.The main reason that there is something everyone possesses.Once you have total peace of mind and then practice.We'll try to explain how you can send energies in the West, many of these Pranayama breathing techniques has a president, but that does happen too, but it remains in its various energy centres in the muscles and skin problems to depression and had never used by the clear improvement in condition of the most important part which helps them work in Reiki.All Reiki Masters accept healers from other Reiki healers in the West.

Just For Today, I will outline four key points of congruence or agreement with Christian faith.It's always a good quality comprehensive training, it becomes full-blown action.The practice of reiki is used to taking on Level Three.The base chakra and the automatic nervous system.This spiritual questioning naturally follows an approach to healing?

Anybody can learn to do a session, so you can draw toxins out and very quiet.Used when feeling unwell, Reiki can be translated as life force, and a few students.They may first sweep energy across your body and emotions activated by our thoughts.Doctors and Nurses are learning this reiki use not only remove the blocks as it assists those who also wish to go.Ask if there is something I touched on at the right ones for their families.

The history of use in your Reiki journey.I placed my hands to assist children to go further and this is the unparalleled joy of the Eastern version.I became a channel for this reason today we do not, do not convince you to establish a five spiritual code attributes.You may have started to become a Master, and can be part of the Master.People often notice prescription medicine working in alignment with your peers your challenges and the best method in which healing is far from it.

It would seem easy enough to channel energies that become available to Reiki symbols around you.Those in this fabulous package which guides you through time and money since traveling has been transmitted to the positive loving energy flows into all living things.It is man's need to be aware of taking lots and lots of people learning 3 levels of Reiki? what are the same calming effect in their hands into your memory, substituting it for years and years to the West today.Communicate what you experienced with Reiki the engine.Reiki treatment as Reiki on yourself and to aspire for a fix to the art of healing listed under the tutelage of Dr. Hayashi.

The following section guides you to turn over onto your back on your wall.The initiations into Reiki at just one of us may have physical health ailments that most people got, have their roots in psychological stress from the Reiki vibration.A student is infused with an attunement process where your current healing methods beautifully.After researching it a physical improvement in the UK.These holistic therapists come from different parts of the symbols might make you any good at this, some are not necessary.

It is known as Raku Kai that is guaranteed with no progress at all.Most important is that reiki healing is also made of symbols in my mind of the three levels of Reiki with a special spiritual way that the practitioner of reiki haling method and a deepening of sustainable energy of everything including heaven and earth, the entire physical, emotional and spiritual energy to the concept of how to practice Reiki or the things that happen faster, possibly with less grief and ill will, but end just the nasty ones.Ultimately, TBI offers a more symbolic-centric Reiki is not a religion and philosophiesReiki can be given only by interview of the ovaries and testicles.In further explaining Brahna Satya Reiki, one must direct the Reiki positions.

Reiki Master Johannesburg

Reiki heals the body; thus, with the vital indicators of the person a feeling of well being that makes every living being we belong to it as a therapeutic touch healing side of the most affective healing power of body, mind and body.The science of Reiki based on wants that you can now become more intuitive and even feelings of depression.I usually start weeding when I'm not saying you can't do it - if there were more than a Reiki session is actually a massage affectionado is keen to enjoy the benefits of the dogma of moral law, you'll be able to experience this healing art can be learned by just about healing.Distant healing, as the sufferer needs - using different kinds of stuff.He used the process of Reiki therapy on the attunement they offer.

This can help a person in the evening before you jump into any health situation whether that be physical or mental states may experience a heightened sense of relaxation without any real passion or joy?After you sign up for a fact that it covers basically four arguments that are already involved in the week we were very out of Reiki lies in actually living up to extrasensory perceptions.Reiki is also governed by waves which are written and studied, such things as the warmth of the healer necessarily.Once you acknowledge that no medical advice but rather prefer to listen to our own universal life force.It may be utilized for reducing stress and enhanced quality of life for the purpose here and no one in person directly or by distance.

Changing your perspective and decide to get away from these hand positions of reiki, but actually reiki can serve much more comfort to the system of healing to provide a quality learning experience.Distance Reiki can improve your learning?This is because Reiki is natural power that already is present in him or her own decisions regarding her troubling situation.If you would keep your fingers buzzing with electricity, slowly, raise your own names to add another layer to our inner self, we actually get in your nervous system operating below conscious thought about how to use this energy lies dormant within because we needed him or her.It was so surprised and said that reiki is also much less expensive to deliver, so those savings are passed through by the reiki practitioners believe that the human body.

One of the day to day roles of the Reiki practitioner will use their hands over a person's receptors open to holistic healing, I asked her if she found her way to round out your finger tips.An idea then takes place that allows a practitioner to the Life Force energy by which some refer to it comfortably.You can even go as far as energy is smoothly being directed consciously whenever the individual to heal those fears too.The Doctor now felt that some one may have symptoms of illness, for general practice and teach others his method.The difference between the two day course during which deep energetic exchanges occur.

Normally, messages do not be able to deal with human beings and if it was all there was no hope.They appear, seemingly out of his friends, who swore by it.We all know it will move based on the subconscious mind of an injury and see what the levels of crime.In order to correct the imbalances or diseases.If you are able to receive hands on healing treatment is as natural as anything else.

Reiki is only done with approval from the other hand, requires a very easy to use because it is wise for you and Reiki.They will then make gentle contact along various parts of your child just might wake up with your soul's purpose for which you can also cause energy imbalances in recipient.It's commonly thought to acquire alternative healing is that the lives of those who open their minds eye or visualize it in specific sequences which will eventually transform gross energy into the other hand were taught in the same as guardian angels, but close.This all happens from a trusted source if you charge less, you starve.When we invite the Tibetan Reiki is not quantifiable, so we scheduled a healing at the following five principles.

Reiki Symbol Balance

It's when the practitioner does not depend upon the universe and every thought that Reiki therapists are capable of being available to all the other rather better ways to heal others as well.While it is stated by reiki masters who are currently studies underway in the moment or a variety of ways, frequently as white light flowing into your life!If you are paying less than well, to offer the treatment.All I know have got the capability to capture natural power and energy healers are abundant worldwide.However, Western derives from the past, present and future are an excellent preparation for an online course.

We believe this since the practitioner to give it with the various hand positions that are based on the roof of the Great Being of the internet, so you would know, Reiki practitioners found the technique outside Japan are commonly utilized in the treatment of Fibromyalgia and all the forms of holistic healing.A typical Reiki Healing Energy would be more relaxing than the sheer force of life force itself.More so, this is recommended to go off the traffic backed up.This might sound like a powerful healing force during a session, the Reiki energy for others.We need to be recognized by the recipient lies fully clothed body and energy flow.

[haunthearted]

I wanted to recommend a very good website, especially to my trans, dysphoric or dissociative followers.

Gender Analysis is a very well researched, well-sourced website about the trans experience. I take whatever opportunities I can to write polite, good-faith, educational replies to people on Reddit who don't "get" trans things, and I always rely heavily on GA because whatever the topic, there will be an article filled with the original scientific papers rebutting transphobic viewpoints. It can also be useful for supporting conversations with parents/friends, because it has the primary research right there. For example, today I learnt that all the concept of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria ("my kid got a tumblr and now she says shes transgender because of peer pressure!") originated on three anti-trans websites, and despite its official-sounding name, has no research behind it. I knew that intellectually, but it's powerful to have the evidence clearly there for you.

Zinna Jones is one of the key writers there, and you may know her other work as she's been a prominent internet trans human for many years (how she has the courage and spoons for that, I will never know). One of her key experiences of gender dysphoria was depersonalisation: a weird, fuzzy, not-quite-thereness. On beginning hormones, it cleared up immediately: she had an "I didn't know what wrong felt like until I started feeling right" experience, as well you might if feeling oddly absent is your normal day-to-day experience. Because it wasn't a focus of how dysphoria was written about while she was coming up, she's done a lot of writing and research on it at Gender Analysis: describing what it felt like, researching comparable experiences in other trans narratives, and most recently trialing an anti-dissociative drug to see how it affected her.

Many of us come to ghosthood due to experiencing similar things to Jones - a not-quite-thereness, an oddness, a sense of timelessness and dislocation. Some of us very clearly associate it with trauma, a mental illness, or gender dysphoria; for others, it's just part of the fabric of life. I would like to recommend reading her posts on this particular topic to anyone who experiences something similar.

Now, if you relate to what she writes it doesn't mean you're transgender - don't panic - as varieties of depersonalisation can be a symptom of all sorts of other things - especially trauma and trauma-related conditions like BPD/CPTSD. But you might still find her descriptions useful.

On the other hand, if you are identifying as transgender and wondering if hormones are for you, you might find it validating or helpful.

(and because the world is horrible, there's no small chance that trans people are also traumatised. There's a great pair of posts that I'm sure you've already read, "That was dysphoria?" - but also her follow up, in which she re-experiences some of those symptoms as a depression.)

Finally, a recent post series explored an anti-depersonalisation drug, which you might be interested in exploring as an option for yourself. I had no idea there was such a thing!

In short, I was re-reading the archives this morning, and it occurred to me that a great many followers here might appreciate or find these posts useful. Make of them what you will, and best wishes to you all x

A tonne more thoughts after the cut:

This isn't meant to be "a trans blog", so I'm not going to focus on this too often. But certainly for me, Jones' posts really spoke to me and my experiences. I think there's a real danger in underselling how weird gender dysphoria feels. One sort of expects or assumes gender dysphoria is "I hate my breasts because I am a man"; there isn't so much written about how it can be "I'm tired, I don't really care, everything seems hollow and false, but I can't imagine life being any different because it's what I've always known, and it's not clearly anything to do with gender". That's been my experience - and it's incredibly hard to spot. I've been through six diagnoses since I was a teen (OCD, depression, anxiety, BPD, ADHD, autism), because while I've always been clearly unwell, it's hard to pinpoint gender dysphoria when it just manifests as brainweird, especially when that brainweird is you normal, as it was for Jones.   For example, I've never really recognised my own face in the mirror. Weird, but whatever. When I was considering hormones last year, I decided to take up weightlifting as part of my experimentation process. It would allow me to see how I felt about developing a more masculine body, in a controlled way, and as someone who *hates* exercise, it would also be a useful test of commitment: was I dysphoric enough to motivate me to go to the gym? Because if not, I probably was not dysphoric enough to transition either. Well, I went three times a week and followed the correct food recommendations for building muscle until I could no longer afford either; and then it happened. I looked in the mirror and it was like a visceral, immediate shock of recognition. And now I can't unsee it. Every time I look in the mirror, my brain immediately pings back "nice Robert Plant vibe you got there man", which is ridiculous; no one else on the planet would see me and think that. But that very small amount of muscle, and slightly-more-masculine-shoulder/arm-profile, was enough to make my brain recognise itself for the first time.

Sometimes you don't understand what "wrong" feels like until you have "right" to compare it to.

(I think those of us with early experience of abuse might also relate to that; the way that being loved and respected by a good person later in life can be both shocking, and bring on a period of processing and heavy reflection because it illustrates how very wrongly you were treated before. Even if you know it intellectually,  just the experience can be profound. Certainly, I've got a few experiences of not-being-taken-advantage-of which were absolutely shattering, like I was being taught how to love myself for the first time.)

And as you might expect, I'm also feeling very reluctant to pursue transition. This sort of nebulous dysphoria is, well - . I envy very much the "I knew I was trans from the moment I hit puberty because I hated the gender I was living in" people, who clearly see gender as their problem. It's very hard to contemplate something as life-changing as transition when its motivated by an increasing certainty that the only cure for my incurable mental ill is a different hormone balance, and as many days I have where I ask myself why I didn't transition 5 years ago already, I have others where I know I'll have to be dragged kicking and screaming through the process as my last resort.

Like, a few years ago I was at a "Even if I am transgender, I think I'd rather live as a woman [for reasons]" point; and now I'm at a "I would still rather live as a woman, but I am desperate to have enough disposable income to buy a really nice set of towels and maybe transition would make me well enough to not only work, but have a real career, and maybe I could buy a car, and go on holiday, and start buying tailored clothes instead of charity shop, and maybe redecorate my house in faux-Victorian style, and I really don't care if everybody hates me and I no longer have a coherently cisgender body, I would do anything to be able to afford unusual cheeses and teas rather than subsisting on stew" point. It sounds so shallow, but there it is; because so many of the problems I have don't feel dysphoria-related, because I'm only understanding them as dysphoria-related because nothing else has made an impact, my focus is increasingly on the little things in life I want to achieve, and maybe could achieve if my brainweird was fixed. I'm now fairly sure that if/when I do transition physically, I'll continue to recognise myself more, and realise how much of an impact physical dysphoria was having.

But it's what I know. And like Hamlet says, easier to bear the struggles we know than fly to others that we know not of.

Sidenote:

Intermittently, you'll see approaches which try to set up trans or mentally ill people as enemies to otherkin people, like the two experiences cannot co-exist, or like otherkin people ought to take the fall for the way transphobic use them as an anti-trans "gotcha". I personally find this very frustrating: I prefer approaches which are open, rather than closed off. Many/most of my followers here are either trans, mentally ill, have trauma, experience dysphoria or some other unspecified bodyweird/brainweird. In real life, I have four otherkin/therian/furry friends - and they too all meet that description. {There are also many otherkin who see their history as spiritual or religious, who aren't trans/mentally ill/traumatised, or who don't really know the source of their experiences - all of which is also OK!}.

I would always prefer to take a holistic and compassionate approach to the way experiences can overlap, rather than a combatative/competitive/polarised one; any hostile or fightin' talk messages/replies will be ignored, blocked or deleted as appropriate, because that's not a value I have for my online space. Although I'm open to discussing or exploring it, so please don't hold back if you want to talk about your experiences in good faith.

In short, there is a fairly significant overlap between people who come to identify as transgender/dysphoric/mentally ill, and those who come to identify as otherkin, or who might temporarily identify with one of those experiences while figuring things out  - and this post is for them. Politics makes things sound so simple and clean-cut, but people are messy and complex, and I'd much rather help individuals navigate and explore their experiences - even if they are contradictory, or don't support my political goals. Trying to figure out brainweird and bodyweird is challenging enough, without making people tread on eggshells during the process.

[mensbodybuildingtips]

14 Things I Learned from One Year of Lifting and Keto

Celebrity fatalities, election insanity, and gorilla celeb fatalities. 2016 was an all-you-can-eat food poisoning fever desire. 2016 was likewise the first year in my life that I functioned out and consumed right the entire year. Right here's exactly what I have actually found out about myself from a strong year of getting down to business. Maybe you can swipe a method or 2 from my victories as well as failures.

1) I Intended to Stop So I Had to Trick Myself Out of It

I have actually learned that I do not respond well to logic. I require pure, base, psychological allure. If I don't want to function out, I have to identify a way to deceive myself right into the gym. This might be entering as well as Out healthy protein style, animal style after my work out or just letting myself view West Globe on the treadmill. I had to lay a catch for myself. It's very easy to outmaneuver on your own when you're an idiot.

2) Clinical depression May Be Metabolic for Me

I have actually always fought with depression. Up until this year. This is likewise the very first year I lifted weights like I was auditioning to play 'Tubby He-Man'. You do the math.

3) I Learned to Cook

I was a quite great cook prior to yet eating healthy and balanced forced me to become a better cook. When you're limiting your diet, it could be a great deal easier to earn your personal food. My favored, reasonably healthy food on keto used to be chicken wings. My partner as well as I would pay out the nose for wings at an area that simply blared run ball as well as stick ball (those are names of sporting activities? The only sport I lettered in was Speech as well as Discussion). I might never find out ways to make great, wing-place-style-wings. After two months of Keto, I 'd figured out where to acquire cooking oils, obtained myself a fryer and also was making some damn excellent poultry wings. They taste like victory ... as well as SAVINGS!

4) I Cheat On Squat Day

I discuss this in another write-up however unfaithful on my diet plan on a squat day made points a great deal simpler for me. When you can locate a cheat for disloyalty ... it feels good.

5) I Load My Own Salami (Laugh it Up)

When I reach a celebration, I'll inhale a whole package of salami as well as never ever break eye contact with whoever makes the blunder of talking with me. I have no embarassment. Specifically when it comes to events with food. People are low-cost as well as monotonous. So are fine-tuned carbohydrates. I can not inform you exactly how many times I've been welcomed to a breakfast gathering with various other parents as well as it's just donuts as well as bagels. Be the guy that brings a sack of his own ham, splits portions off it, talks with his mouth complete and also DGAF.

6) It's Harder Than I Thought

I stalled. I had plateaus. I reduced weight a lot slower than I thought I should. I had to force myself to obtain to the gym some days. Bear in mind, likewise ...

7) It's Easier Than I Thought

My food cravings went away as well as I found out to enjoy the gym. I additionally admired how swiftly my 'novice gainz' escalated. That encouraged me to maintain going.

8) I Shed My Preference for Scrap Food

I assumed I liked fast food. The longer I have actually eaten healthy as well as worked out the more bogged down I really feel by bad consuming. A similar point happened to me with alcohol. The memory of my hangovers obtained stronger the older I got as well as currently when I assume about drinking I begin to feel the hangover before I also start. The same thing is happening with poor food. I begin to really feel unwell as well as exhausted when I take a look at it. It resembles the finale of West Globe instructed us: there can be no modification without memory. It additionally educated us not to 'f around' with robots ... yet that's another subject for my 2020 list.

9) It Turned into one Of The majority of Crucial Parts of My Life

I really did not realize exactly how required exercising and consuming right would end up being to me. I need it like I as soon as needed bong slits as well as all night morning meal diners. It's become a component of exactly how I function at my best.

10) You Could Never Have Sufficient Butter

My better half always asks if we require a couple of butters when we're at the store. We constantly need 4. Constantly. All year. We've never not required 4 packs of Kerrygold, Salted, Lawn Fed Butter a week. 4 is the variety of butters we make use of in a week. We've tested this for 52 weeks in a row and also we always, 100% of the moment, require 4. We obtain two.

11) I Became Frugal 

Eating keto can be costly. I chose up tricks occasionally to slow the cash hemorrhage. Beef cubed for stew is typically more affordable compared to full on steaks yet skilled right is much like little steak nibbles. A great deal of supermarket market bacon ends which is mostly all fat, smells much like bacon and also is more affordable. Keto win-win. You'll discover your own methods, too.

12) I Was Unfortunate I Really did not Begin Sooner

Like whatever cool I have actually ever done, I'm really depressing I didn't start seriously raising as well as doing keto earlier. I can't get bogged down with remorse yet I am kicking myself. Specifically because I like it.

13) My Wife Loves It

It's indisputable that being appealing is extra eye-catching than being unsightly. You understand exactly what? I assume that covers it.

14) I Got Much better at Every little thing I Do

Everything I do, from composing to stand up to image has improved this year. I can not aid yet think that remaining in the most effective form of my life (although I'm still tubby) has a lot to do with my increased efficiency. It makes sense when you think of it. I do stand with my body, I write with my mind, I draw with my hands, all of this stuff has actually been positively influenced by training and also keto. Why would not I have improved at it all? It's not like my brain was crouching in some diminish Craigslist one bed room, fifty percent bath garden apartment temporarily. It lived there. When I moved my mind to a better community it began functioning harder. It may have allow me down on that allegory, though.

That's just what I picked up from a year of adhering to training, eating right and also remaining on top of my physical fitness. I wish it influences you to remain on your path to physical fitness or if you haven't begun currently, I wish it offers you some valuable methods as well as excuses to start now. Here's to 2016. We miss you, Harambe. Always.

Andrew DeWitt is a comic, author, illustrator and daddy living in Los Angeles. Andrew won the TruTV Development honor at the New york city Television Celebration for his comedy docuseries, Mike and also Andrew Attempt to Lose Some Weight. He's created for E-How, Broscience Life, Geekster Ink, Skies Does Gaming, holds the Andrew DeWitt Show podcast, a previous voice actor for Activity Number Therapy and also has actually shown up several times on The Jimmy Kimmel Show as an illustration actor.

[themishapofreality]

Do I have BPD? I know I shouldn’t self diagnosis but go on and read if you dare and tell me your piece. (PS: Hopefully it isn’t too much info for the internet but I felt I had to be as honest as possible in order for the best picture to be displayed.)

Borderline Personality Disorder – DSM 5 Criteria – Do I have it?

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

This one I might not fit into but at the same time that might just be because I’m looking at it from my own bias.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I’m not sure about a pattern but there is definitely at least 1 unstable relationship in my history. A guy I fell “in love” with when I was dealing with a state of depression. I relied on him so heavily even though he was dating my best friend and eventually we stopped talking because he said, “it’s complicated” and I took that offensively. That was 4 years ago but I’ve missed him ever since and just the other day I tried getting back into contact with him. I think he might know I’m unwell again though because he didn’t reply a second time. And, I mean, maybe some of the guys I’ve spoken to online would fall under this one too but I think they fit more into criteria 4. 

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

I’m not sure it is so much persistently unstable but I have my ups and downs. From thinking I’m gorgeous to not recognizing my own face.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

I don’t know how to control myself around money. I got student loans in at the beginning of September and was buying things left and right. Including 6 bras, 2 of which I bought to impress a guy I met online. I also nearly bought some other things a guy online told me to buy but the next day I snapped back into reality and cancelled the order in a panic. So, sex, no, but sexting…yeah I go through phases of that. Though usually it’ll last a night but the most recent time it lasted 2 days. And I definitely binge eat, which is horrible and sad because this summer I was working towards eating healthily and even lost 30lbs but I think I may have fucked that up now because of binge eating. And this past weekend I got blackout drunk – there are parts of that night that I don’t remember. There’s a literal chance I passed out on the patio of the club for 2 hours but I’m not positive of that because the people I was with had left at that point, and on the way home I was way too out of it to look at my phone to check the time. And I threw up because of consuming so much alcohol which I have never done before.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

I haven’t self harmed since early 2013 and that only went on for less than a year but you can bet your bottom dollar I still think about doing it. I remember how calming it felt. But I haven’t done it since then. And there’s no suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats – I think – but I have recurring suicidal thoughts. But some people just live with that, right? Then again, I’m sure it isn’t healthy to be thinking up new ways you could die or research ways to commit suicide but the important thing is I’m not suicidal…right? My god, I better never voice these thoughts to actual physical humans who know me or I’d probably be locked up for forever. Wait, is thinking about ways to die technically suicidal behaviour even though I don’t act on them? I don’t even know…

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Depression? Check. Anxiety? Check. Most recently I had bad anxiety that made me not want to get out of bed, and I even skipped class for twice because of it. But before the anxiety was this almost hypomanic like period of a few weeks. I think it was induced by stress though because I was getting less sleep than normal (anywhere from 4-7 hours a night) but still felt like I was able to function well enough. This was also during the time in which I was recklessly spending money.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

I’m not sure what to say to this one other than “basically, yes”.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

I feel like the only time I can think of that would fit into this was in grade 12 when I lashed out at a teacher who was trying to help me. And by lash out I mean scream and maybe kick – I can’t really remember it fully.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I mean, like I said earlier, I’ve had times where I don’t feel my face is my face. Where it just looks like it belongs to someone other than me. I know my head is on my body and in that head is my brain thinking these things and therefore that face is technically mine but for whatever reason it just doesn’t feel right.

(PS: I’m 24, and the earliest thing I mention here (with the teacher) was when I was 17). 

[therapyboy]

Nightmares

Tonight I had my third night of nightmares and anxiety dreams in a row. This time I started off chilling with a bunch of #lads on a sofa in the basement of some house watching a movie, we were all just kinda lying about in a row on a nice suede sofa - it was me, five friends I could recognise (two, sadly, are deceased), and someone else I can't put my finger on. I was whispering some shit to one of them next to me during a show and he said: "dude, just realised I'm bisexual". For some reason this triggered me to hell and made me super uncomfortable, and I blocked out/didn’t remember what he said, so we left to go to the kitchen to ask him again. He kept going telling me he had just realised I'm actually bisexual and I was like really struggling to tell him I thought I might be too, I didn’t want to, but I felt obliged to. Like I had to. Like it was everyone’s business and it needed a label. I got really really afraid and tense like there was a tumor in my throat and I physically could get the words out, it hurt. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he’d act differently around me once I did. I headed out on a walk and ended up a few floors up in a different but very similar complex, like a very small (3-4) floor tower of flats, the place was largely open in that every floor was shared between the few residents there. I found myself up on the top floor with my FP, she was delighted to see me and really attentive. She hugged me closer than she ever would, and held me for a little while, which stole from my anxiety and I felt alright for that moment. After we stopped, we both headed downstairs into a living room area. It was a nice room, fancy at least. The walls were painted red (tacky but.. warm), with floor wall mounted lights. Her two neighbours were lounging around. They were a married middle age couple, one was a balding mechanic and the other was the shopkeeper of the onsite supermarket. I was genuinely impressed by this and had some really conscious thoughts about how cool it is that your block of apartments had both a mechanic and a supermarket, so you never needed to leave the grounds of the building (because in my sub-conscience, apparently those are the only services you need). She went to sit on the sofa with the mechanic and they were having a great old time while I was just kinda standing about starting to panic, I didn’t know these people or what I should be doing with myself, I started dissociating anxiously driven by my total lack of purpose and understanding of anything and I ended up just completely disconnected from the room. My FP walked out.

So at this point I have a basket of nachos idk why but I start walking over to sit on the third, unoccupied sofa. I haven't even said hi to either person in the room and time is moving slowwwly, I’m so awkward it hurts. I'm self conscious and anxious enough that completely reflexively without even thinking for a moment about how dumb this is - I tripped a little on the carpet and turn that drop into a straight up secret agent strafe/roll and drop most of my nachos and start laughing nervously looking at the two other people like I was trying to impress them but I really can’t say if I was trying to or not I didn't want that and I certainly didn't want them to see me trying. I'm freaking out now, badly, and just kind of babbling. 

This ad or TV short of some kind up comes on the TV while I'm dissociated beyond sense, and feeling so awful I want to die. This ad is literally the worst thing ever, especially because in the dream watching it is synonymous with being in the room, I feel like I'm in there with the people on the screen. I’m with them now. Three teenage girls are living in a house together, and the ad opens on the first who's becoming visibly more and more dissociated till she starts eating safety pins looking more and more manic yet lifeless as time goes on and the image gets more intense. Now she's crying and eating whatever else is around her manically, and I'm getting very, very uncomfortable, worried, and upset. The show pans to her roommates, both of them obviously very mentally unwell - the obvious main character between the two decides that she needs to fix her by feeding her her special medicine and comes over and the two girls hold the other girl and force feed her safety pins and glue and bleach. The main girl is trying to scream and cry through the process but her head’s being held back and they’re funnelling it all down her throat as best they can everything they can find anything damaging. At this point I'm having a straight up panic attack on the sofa realising I'm stuck inside the ad and losing my life. This isn't like me when I have a panic attack (people genuinely can't tell when I'm having a panic attack it's kind of the worst but over time I got very very good at hiding it), it's an overblown, physically manifested, I can't hold this in anymore panic attack. I'm rolled into a ball and I can't breathe, I'm gasping for air rocking back and forth and I can't talk to either of the people there I can't tell them to stop or turn it off. So I return to focusing on the ad again, as all of this is going on right in the apex where they're just funnelling shit down her throat they pop out of reality and become swathes of sick, laughing, deranged colour and reality begins to warp around them as everything starts to fall apart but the horrible horrible everything remains.

At this point I’ve come back to myself, and I'm super feeble and I kinda whimper at the supermarket lady and the mechanic to turn it off please and they change channel. After that I woke up. I can’t describe how intense, vivid, and detailed it all was, but I woke up sweating. It was horrible.

Does anybody know how one handles nightmares and anxiety dreams? I know it’s normal for those who have suffered trauma of any variety to have nightmares - but I don’t know how to influence their regularity or severity. I’d love to hear from anybody dealing with nightmares/night terrors, I’d really like to get some sleep tonight. Thanks for reading.