#or dont. maybe its less embarrassing 4 me that way

[kosmicdream]

Hello. After drawing webcomics for 10 years and making about 10,000 pages of comics, here are some things i have learned/observed in that experience..

1) making comics does not get easier.. Not really

Making comics is a tedious and slow process and with so many different facets of the experience to learn - you’ll never run out of stuff to learn or weaknesses to work on. I’m not saying this to discourage but to just give the frank reality that it really takes a lifetime to understand. Be patient with yourself and try to set healthy expectations. 

2) Read your own comics after making them.

I don’t know if this is as important to other people as it is to me, but I do think that sometimes its easy to not re-read your own work and just go from your own memory of it, or maybe you’re tired of looking at it because of all the flaws. I don’t personally get sucked into the “rewrite/remake” cycle that I know is common with comics, as I sort of just accept things as they are, but re-reading my work does help me see where I have come from and where I need to go to next. I personally don’t like to lose sight of that, and I think re-reading helps ground me in the planning process of my work and gives me a better perspective on all aspects.

3) A lot of comic advice should be taken with a grain of salt, because its the person talking to themselves. (including this)

I see a lot of advice that never would have worked for me, or just simply wasn’t something I was ever going to follow. “Dont start with your big epic long stories”! Is a common one. I don’t think that’s bad advice exactly, but how many young artists are going to listen, especially if they’ve never told a story in the first place? Yes, the advice to start small and build yourself up with experience sounds great, I’m sure people do it, but if you’re an artist you’re probably not gonna be that responsible. And for me, when i tried to do this with eggshells, my house burnt down and i kinda gave up comics for a while because i lost a lot of work. 

Writing short stories is still something I struggle with, its just not easy for me. I have gotten better at it but i don’t think that makes me less of a comic artist because I haven’t gotten good at that particular format, or that I jump around on my projects. Is it more impressive to have more completed work under your belt, sure. But I also think that.. Idk.. what is the advice actually saying, because with that one it sort of feels (often times) as a warning that you’re setting yourself up for failure/embarrassment by attempting a comic like that. I don’t know how to tell you this, but comics are gonna be embarrassing no matter what you do and there’s no guarantee you’ll be more successful/not experience failure by avoiding your passions. Something to think about anyway. 

4) Don’t draw every leaf. Unless you really want to.

I’m the kind of comic artist that kind of doesn’t care about the art as much as the whole package of the comic. When i see a very impressively drawn panel/page, with laborious detail that is well drawn and maybe even colored ect.. That usually is kind of, I guess, a turn off for me as part of the reading experience. The thing is, when i encounter that, it usually signals to me that someone has poor planning skills for comics. It says to me that comic is probably not going to see its end or that artist is overworking themselves in an unnecessary way, that ends up concerning me about how they’re doing. Because i know how hard it is to draw comics. When an artist phones things in a bit, or has a limit on how much they work on a page, its a relief for me to see! because I understand they have healthier boundaries and expectations, and the art itself usually is less stiff too. This is all an overgeneralization, but I think with a lot of webcomic artists we are usually drawing a comic for the first time ever, so it makes sense we want to do our best and try as hard as possible - that just usually isn’t the smartest plan to put all the stock in the visual department. This also kinda frustrates me to see because most comics (professional or not) will also (generally) not reel the art in ever or make a more simple style. Generally I see it always trying to outdo itself, which leads to burn out. I personally only work about 1hr on each page i draw, that hasn’t changed in the 10 years I have been drawing comics, but i used to spend hundreds of hours drawing detailed lineart for eggshells and it didn’t even read well and i’d be disappointed with the results, feeling more lost with my goals than ever. PLEASe.. Just draw worse, its usually better looking in the end too. (because you wont have the experience to judge visual clarity until you’ve been drawing comics for a while imo..)

5) Don’t draw ahead, draw those inbetweenies.

“Inbetweenies” are the pages for the “boring” ones. They are also usually the most common KIND of page. Its the pages that are necessary, but “inbetween” the action. The impact moments in a scene, ect. You gotta draw them. They’re always gonna be there. They’re the pages where maybe, the character is walking somewhere, thinking, ect. The after impact from an action.. There’s a million examples, but hopefully you’ll understand what I mean when I say they’re both necessary pages/panels, sometimes so mundane/redundant, but also required for telling the story.. As a comic is a sequence of images. This is why, the previous advice is also important IMO- because if you really want to “draw every leaf” - maybe you should save that energy and effort for those impact moments that you want to impress the reader with.. And not for the inbetweenies, which are the foundational support, but also not the most important moments. If you conserve your energy a bit, the contrast OF that effort will also pop more. I personally find it funny when I put more effort into a page and end up tricking my readers into thinking I got better at drawing, when really i just have been able to draw better and only save it for moments like this instead of always.

Also, when I say don’t draw ahead.. I mean I draw each page at a time before going to the next one. I have no idea if this is an unusual practice or not, and I know a lot of people will draw their chapters/episodes/whatever in sections like sketch/ink/color/ect.. But I personally draw and finish page by page, unless its the thumb/sketch stage. Even then, i don’t go ahead much. I think that you can control flow/pacing better by doing chapters all at once of course, I see that as a benefit. But i also think that makes things very overwhelming and can also result in a lack of flexibility if something isn’t working. No matter HOW much planning you do- comics are always going to have an aspect of IMPROVISATION with the result you get in the end. There are way too many factors in play to be in complete control of all of them and always know the result of the reading experience. SO for me, this technique is easier and has been something that continues to get me to working effectively. Plus, rumiko takahashi said that’s what she does. And i think she has some of the best visual flow/compositions in comics. So that’s what I do.

I could write more personal advice or rules that i follow..but I think those are the ones I find are the most important to me anyway. Of course, comics are a strange medium and not everything that works for me will work for you. That’s all for now.. Bye bye…! 

Oh by the way, my comics are here: feastforaking.com nastyreddogs.com https://kosmic.itch.io/ Support me on patreon! https://www.patreon.com/kosmic

[justlet-melive]

here’s a question :3 uh do you have like any favourite anatomy or reference books/texts. or any tips for doing study’s??

sorry if this is like annoying or weird idk i’ve just been a little obsessed with your art lately. the way you capture shape and movement is so fantastic. you have such a talent for capturing characters personality through visual quirks too. idk like the way you draw ellie tlou is so specific. it’s not exactly on model but it’s kind of better lol. i can instantly tell most of what you need to know about her. same with your recent astarions like idk you’ve just managed to capture a real physicality about him that i think can be hard. idk i’m maybe biased but i think without any exposure to the game you could probably guess how he moves and sounds from your art.

idk uh sorry if this is worded weird i feel like i always do that LOL okay though anyways i adore your art it’s just so distinct. i’d eat it if i could. i’d honestly do a lot to capture even a fraction of the magic you’re creating. okay hope this message finds you well BYE

no need to feel self conscious about doing me a kindness in the form of gratifying to read, thoughtful observations of my fanart!!!!

thank you. very late response because i wanted to respond with some equally thoughtful advice and also let my ego calm down a bit, but..

im 'lazy' and like to keep drawing for fun as easy as possible. So i dont have any reference books hm... You obviously look at art and are able to relay to yourself and others what you saw and felt. thats the skill you should always indulge. looking at all kinds of things youre drawn to and observing why. best ref! (thanks again btw, best feeling being on the receiving end of that. to be... astarion voice: Seen in the Eyes of Another)

I have studied (and continue to do so when i get the chance) figure drawing at my community college, which was a big leap. i ended up focusing a lot on the relationship between the ribcage/pelvis/flow of the spine at that time. still my favorite part of drawing lol. During my most recent artblock i started copying muscle anatomy pages from a Morpho book as a way to keep drawing without a proper fixation. which is great because i also love the weight of flesh :^D

if you'd like my 'woo-woo advice' it's to get lost in the process and less invested in the results. and never be embarrassed. it'll keep you drawing (behind every piece of successful fanart is a mountain of scrap drawings of Fictional Guy #2378 facing 3/4 left.) and its meditative!! cathartic? personally i like to have a song/playlist to keep up the emotion im trying to work out going throughout my drawing session. helps me tell if the expression im drawing feels 'right'

and on the topic of drawing off model--!! Anytime im onto a new character i do spend a few sessions tracing their proportions/copying their models. after i figure out more or less what about their original design makes that Character i like to lose the training wheels. artistic interpretation is more interesting for me to look at and create. and i think it frees you up to better convey a feeling. the more you draw something the more you settle into 'what works' but i never set out to draw the same way twice! usually never anyway

thank you again for taking time to observe my drawings, and relaying back what you saw and felt. it honestly makes my day(s) to the point i almost feel guilty about it

[sieglinde-freud]

for the ask game: 2, 4, 5, 9, 17, 24, 29, 35

OOHHH THIS GONNA BE LONG under cut immediately

2. Least favorite main title?

i think this may upset some people but just of the games that i have finished (i havent played or finished every single fire emblem game… i know i know bad fan shut up) it’s prooobably fe7??? not because it’s bad. i do love that game. i just love it the least of every other game i played? i love all three of the lords a lot!! theyre just not my super favorites. i like the story fine, just not as much as other games. the gameplay is alright, but i dont think it’s anything to write home about. it’s a perfectly average fire emblem game all across the board i think. and that’s probably why i dont think about it too much? though, admittedly, ive only played through it fully once and that was like. five years ago? i could give it another run. i never did try hector hard mode, tbf… also huge shoutout to my lovelies sain and serra i love them so much…

4. What games do you wish to play next?

i dont know how often i mentioned it but i had a computer a while ago that just stopped working. like completely. the hardware is fine it just stopped functioning properly and ive taken it to literally every tech place and handed it to every computer junkie friend i have and nothing can fix it. and very unfortunately, it broke while i was in the middle of playing path of radiance. i dont really have anything else i can emulate it on right now, but if i could it’d be that. and of course, radiant dawn right after :)

5. What games would you reccomend to someone new?

toss up between 7, 8, and 13. they all have their strengths and weaknesses as entry points, but theyre all fairly simple in difficulty, and 7 and 13 were entry points for a lot of people who still love the game today, so theyre pretty easy to reccomend. 7 and 8 are easily accessible being able to emulate on like. most things?? even iphones with little hassle. 13 was also, up until very recently, very easy to grab off the eshop. i guess if someone asked me now compared to last year maybe i wouldnt say 13 for that reason? idk. 16* is also an option though, if only because it’s on the switch and while fairly different from the main fire emblem formula, it is VERY good at grabbing attention. im biased because i have used it to drag a friend into fire emblem hell so. i know it works. personally i’d probably go 7/13, 8, 16*, {the rest} but yeah. those four. move awakening down if hardware is an issue.

9. Least favorite character?

IN THE WHOLE SERIES??????? man… i dont know i dont really dislike a whole lot of characters? i guess the first one that comes to mind is gilbert three houses?? i understand why hes like that for sure and can sympathize but i dont know. everytime that hes on screen i just frustrated. the fact that he treats annette the way that he does bothers me a lot even if i understand why, but then theres also the added fact that he only becomes story relevant to replace dedue, who was a MUCH better and far less ANNOYING character to listen to all the time. like why would you replace one of my favorite students/retainers with this stupid little old man who i really have no reason to be attached to? you cant even recruit him during white clouds! not to mention, hes force deployed with the most garbage base stats (THAT YOU CANT CHANGE. BECAUSE. HE WASNT RECRUITABLE IN WHITE CLOUDS!!) in one of the hardest maps in the whole game in a position you CANNOT EDIT. like just GIVE ME DEDUE??????? you know, the CHARACTER I TRAINED??????? god… anyways so its probably him. this felt good actually i dislike him much more than i thought i did.

17. How did you get into Fire Emblem?

this is really embarrassing actually but when i was younger i was really into kid icarus uprising (i still am but like less so) and i reeeally loved pit like you see me with inigo now? that was pit for me back then. and i wanted more of him but nintendo was not giving me any kid icarus content, so what i looked up his voice actor instead, and i went through a lot of medias just to listen to him (did you know antony del rio did this live performance of maroon 5’s “This Love” that’s actually way better than the original? look it up) (no i dont like adam levine) but the one that stuck the most was this silly little game… you mightve heard of it its called Fire Emblem Fates. and i saw silas fire emblem and i was like WOAHHH. HES CUTE and did a ton of research on the series, having only vaguely known of it from smash bros. bought birthright, having learned it was the easier of the two paths, and then i just. entire life changed immediately and i didnt even know.

24. An FE title you wish would be remade?

all of them in order, which is what they already seem to be doing! so, ideally, fe4 next? of course my bias would LOVE an awakening remake but i dont think thats fair to skip all the other games. plus, i think there are other games that need a gameplay overhaul more. …like fe4.

29. Avatars: yay or nay?

i cant fucking stand the concept of avatars in fire emblem. i like all of them as characters. i think robin, corrin, byleth, and alear as characters (i havent played shadow dragon and new mystery sorry kris!) are fine. but i hate how theyre all implemented into all of their games, to the point where the words “byleth” and “alear” are never spoken in their mostly fully voiced games. its so fucking stupid. and then you have writing problems, like other playable characters not being able to have meaningful and lasting conflicts with the avatars because you have to be able to fuck them when the games over, or even during the game in robin and corrins case. and also the weird incest that has to happen if you want your avatar to have familial ties? god forbid people who just think camilla or ryoma are hot have to justify incest to themselves and read some the dumbest fucking s support bullshit just to have their little otome romance. and then the plot bending around them? robin i give a pass because i dont think awakening was annoyingly centered on them (the grima thing was close but for the most part the focus stays on chrom and i think thats a good thing) but as much as i love these games, fates, three houses, and engage all suffer from being a little TOO player pandering. making your character a god? really? especially when the avatar takes focus away from other potential story drivers (xander/takumi, 3h lords, engage royals) and like for what? i like all of the “avatars” as characters. but the way that theyre used and what little that usage does for any positive story impact is just frustrating!

35. What’s something you wish Intsys would just stop doing?

avatars.

[blueguydraws]

Russia, Israel and sharks

During history classes i think we all were thinking just how could have people been so cruel and dumb back in the day, salting the land, burning towns on the enemies land, targetting people based on the association of ethnicity. And everyone in the classroom was relieved how lucky it is that we are not that backwards anymore in the civilised world and age. We were also shocked how could everyone have gone mad and how the world turned upisde down during the 40 all over europe and asia. It must have been the genious manipulation of propaganda.

But no, we have to admit sadly that they didnt had to do much if anything, most people simply are just like that, they barely need a push to sucumb to that way of thinking, it doesnt take years of propaganda, but about 5 minutes of news.

A few months ago a man in egypt was eaten by a shark, the video is quiet disturbing, but then it came out that he was russian, living in egypt for about 4 years. And twitter immediately become full with such tweets:

And hundreds of extremely distastefull and sadistic comments celebrating this. If someone questioned them, they just wrote how many ukrainian died in the war if they even responded something coherent. When questioned what did he had to do with any of that, the best they could say is that well russians are evil annyway and he propably supported putin too. Its good that there is one less of them.

War footages were also all over social media, i saw a few where they put loony toons sound effects over deaths, of course bright text made it clear that those were russian soldiers (othervise no one could even tell) and you can have the luxury of laughing at it guilt free instead of virtously clutching your pearls. The ones where someone got bombed while taking a piss or sleeping got particularly many likes and retweets.

Acthual unga bunga bronze age mindset.

Collective punishment and gladiator games, things we tought we abandoned centuries ago, but it didnt even took anything for peole to immediately re embrace it with open arms.

At this point we have to admit that the reason for this is that its just simply part of human nature (not that) deep down. Wich makes sense after all. Humans have been existing for about 300 000 years, but we had our current socially acceptable moral system for about a hundred. Playing civilisation for a few centuries arent gonna be enough to weed out the instinctual cavemen out of us. Wich reminded me to this song by MARINA, "savages", it hit the nail on the head perfectly:

And while maybe war footage is not being shared here, this kind of behavior is definitely not absent from tumblr either.

By the way, talking about ukrain and russia, what do you even know about them? What is the diference between the two? The average internet activist couldnt have been able to point it out on a map before the war. Arent all the news regarding ukrain were talking about how the far right is on the rise in there? But suddenly it become my little UwU ukrain once the war started. My point is that for the avegare person around the world the only diference between the two nation is that one happened to attack the other not the other way around. If history would have went a bit diferently, now you all were laughing at the death of those same poor ukrainian soldiers.

I saw once a tweet made by a guy who just found out that many ukrainians, especially in the army, are deeply religious, and the country is very conservative, and said that he isnt sure he can fully support them anymore lmao.

It was also very cringe how everyone who didnt even heard about Zelensky before started to simp for a random middle eastern politican and made heroic edits about him for the sole virtue of getting attacked, its embarrassing at best.

Did you knew that he was in the panama papers by the way?

And now again with the conflict between israel, palestine and hamas. People just cant behave civilised.

I dont know what is so hard about simply having multiple opinions at the same time, you can easily agree that Palestine should be freed from Israel's influence while also condemning HAMAS.

Many people have been taking off their masks and it often comes from the most suprising groups.

I couldnt have belived that the time comes when people here will support a far right religious fundamentalist terror group.

"but yoU CAnT TelL tHE oprEsSed How REbeLL" I heard many times by now

Yes i can, for example rape, mowing down civilians and parading their bodies like trophies are simply just not part of any military operation and you shouldnt do it, idk why it is a controverial opinion currently.

Also do you think all the extremist groups in the middle east wouldnt want to kill all the jews annyway even if Israel would have been nice? Or you for that matter since i assume the average person reading this isnt a beliver.

The average liberal person with "they/them, ACAB, UwU" in their bio the second there is an armed conflict:

[vriskacircus]

vriska for vriskasweep! also jade and/or terezi if you want to ^_^!!

(I'm bad at remembering exact lines so for 6 ill give you a moment instead)

VRISKA MY GIRL #vriskasweepisrealinourhearts

1: vriska serket is the bisexual murdergirl ever. maybe not the one we need but definitely the one we deserve

2: vrisrezi is the only option. nothing else exists they are everything. they are the blueprint. if girls arent killing each other are they even really in love

3: vriska and egbert. i think their earlier interactions are very sweet and in my soul i think that they should become friends again. also vriska and arquiusprite? she loves that fucker and its hilarious

4: vristav. i love my girl but thats a hard Nope.

5: i think her ears are asymmetrical and it makes her glasses really uncomfortable to wear. also she makes weird noises all the time and it freaks egbert specifically out. everyone else got used to it

6: Vriska vs. (Vriska) is so good to me. recognition of the self (derogatory)

7: i too need to be the center of everything ever or die. also me 🤝 vriska: relating to people really weirdly. i dont know whats wrong with us but it is the same thing

8: everything about how she treats tavros. her other crimes are girlbossing but that shits not cool bestie

9: cinnamon roll, obviously. the Most problematic fave

jade

1: aspec of some kind but idk the specifics and i dont think she does either

2: im a davejade fan sorry do u still love me /lh karkat can come over on thursdays or smth

3: jade and feferi! they should have gotten to talk more i love the weirdgirls (my class is also witch and i believe in witch solidarity)

4: i dont really have one other than like. actually gross and illegal shit but that goes for every character

5: i think she'd be a fantastic singer. get that girl a karaoke machine! dont make bacon within a 50 mile radius she will teleport to you and eat it out of the pan

6: [S]: Cascade is the coolest thing anyone has ever done.

7: she is so so lonely. and a doggirl but in the tragic way.

8: jade has never done anything embarrassing in her life she is the coolest

9: CINNAMON ROLL! THE CINNAMON ROLL...

terepy pipes

1: she is also bisexual i dont make the rules

2: see vriska

3: dave motherfucking strider. on a less canon interactions note i think it should become friends with jane. detective and blind justice? girlboy who makes food and girlthing who loves to taste? theyre made to be besties

4: gamrezi. i also dont like terezi/egbert much but thats more me just not getting the appeal than a visceral negative reaction

5: she/it pronouns and also hoards neos but ive spent too long on this post already so just imagine any set of neopronouns and she probably uses it. she likes to tell everyone she's the pronoun dragon. of course you have teal blood and pronouns.

6: ok i Do have a quote for it. "TH3 PROS3CUT1ON S33S NO CO1N. SH3'S BL1ND, R3M3MB3R?!" she's a little fucked up tbh

7: ok this one was weirdly hard. we both have huge stuffed animal collections though

8: it thinks it looks so fucking cool drawing its own chalk outline to die in. and she's not wrong, but she is Such a fucking nerd.

9: problematic fave but i support womens wrongs

[doeblossom]

Least favorite episode of the show?

ooooh,,, that's a hard pick

i found a lot of spike episodes lacking, like a lot of people did, since his character isn't awesome. i loved him at the beginning of the show, but the writers played into the "forgotten spike" bit in a way that makes him more embarrassing than the intended underdog. another character that had a lot of potential! (too bad i dont currently have any plans for spike. maybe he's a thestral? maybe hes still a dragon and i suck it up and figure out how mythical beasts would work? idk)

i really didn't like school episodes, as mentioned. not because they're BAD or anything, i just had less of a connection to the school six than i did the mane six

i can point out quite a few episodes i didnt really enjoy and why-

Season 1: The Ticket Master

as a first impression, it wasn't great. i understand the message the writers were trying to share, but a lot of actions taken by the characters felt off. yes, everyone can be selfish at times, but not everyone would resort to coercion

Season 1: Over a Barrel

The Apploosans never had any claim over the land. The fact that they're even settled there and generally undisturbed is generous. The lesson of "sharing" has been done before and in much less racist ways...

Season 2: (i have no complaints)

Season 3: Spike At Your Service

this is not because it's a spike episode! its because of twilight. the whole "being rude to spike" thing was a little funny at first, and made some sort of sense because twilight didnt know how to treat friends yet (not an excuse but a reason). i get she can be absorbed in her work. but this episode felt like the biggest takeoff of "useless and forgotten spike" and i dislike that characterization of him. i much preferred it, in later episodes, where he was almost treated like a third sibling. because he WAS a third sibling. and hes a baby dragon; cut him some slack

Season 4: Equestria Games

okok i know another spike episode. im just super sensitive to second-hand embarrassment and it's not enjoyable! i have to skip past the part where spike "sings" the cloudsdale anthem because it hurts so bad. otherwise good and relatable episode! acting on your instincts can feel like nothing since it was "effortless" even though you save a lot of lives! good for spike. he deserves it.

Season 5: Castle Sweet Castle

i hhhate the crystal castle i hate it i hate it

well i dont hate it. but i hate why its there. i like the table for lore reasons but the rest of the castle feels far too grandiose for twilight's reserved nature. the golden oak library was great! i loved that! and i would love it if the show gave twilight a massive library, but... crystal? right outside of ponyville? and OUTSIDE? wasnt the point of the library being near the center of town so it forced twilight to immerse herself in ponyville culture?

i hate capitalism and their love of easily manufactured cheap colorful plastic toys

Season 6: The Cart Before the Ponies

this one feels pretty ooc as well. i can see all of these events happening, but in more minor ways and subtle influences than completely taking over. i know the show needs to be blatant about their writing sometimes, which is totally fine, but it unfortunately sacrifices the writing of the featured characters.

Season 7: (i have no complaints)

Season 8: Horse Play

more second-hand embarrassment i can't stand. otherwise a pretty great episode! i love celestia episodes a lot because her character is pretty decently executed! im still not happy about them not addressing the whole alicorn thing, but as a ruler shes trying her best and thats what really counts. i also love seeing how hers and twilight's relationship developed.

Season 8: Non-Compete Clause

main example of appledash fighting and putting students in danger. this episode just rubs me the wrong way in a manner i can't find the words to describe

Season 8: Yakity Sax

i'm all for letting others enjoy what they enjoy! and i love that pinkie is given hobbies outside of baking and party planning and babysitting! but boundaries DO come first. the only issue i have with her playing is that it becomes visually physically painful due to the volume. sounding bad can be fixed and ignored, but volume is definitely something that needs to be discussed.

this is ALSO what feels like a tipping point for pinkie as well (at least in my memory) from a well-rounded fun character to the "loud funny comedic relief" with little dimension left

Season 9: She's All Yak

this one also makes me feel weird and rubs me the wrong way! the message is there and is executed fine but "teaching yona to be more pony-like" felt really really weird

Season 9: The Last Problem

i've talked more than enough about how i feel about the end of the series! it's... eeehhhh... lots of things i would change. and i am changing. i have a blog about this.

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

god im so tired i feel like im. yea. but like genuinely FUCK trans people who try 2 be fuckin trans police likeeee FUCK U when ur tryna reinvent gender roles I DONT NEED TO BE COMPLIMENTED ON HOW WELL I PASS I PASS PERFECTLY WELL AS MYSELF BC I AM ME MOTHERFUCKER I DONT NEED TO BE A CIS PERSONS IDEA OF A MAN BC IM A TRANS PERSONS IDEA OF A MAN U FUCKINGGGG cop,. stop fucking cringing at me wearing a skirt go stick ur head in a toilet u fuckingggggg. bitchasss motherfucker. there is NO way i wanna wear fuckinn trackies n a hoodie all day bc that works just fine 4 other ppl but it gives me fuckin MORE dysphoria stop projecting ur dysphoria onto me youuuuu fuckingggggg. pussy. u can enjoy ur dysphoria hoodie without putting me into it as well its not a get along shirt u fucking idiottttt. wed get along better if u didnt shove our heads into the same hole. yeah. im justtt. pissed. attttttttttt. cops. for existing. and ppl who act like cops. kill the cop in ur head bla bla bla.

anyways

. im gonnago to sleep. tmrw is gonna b better bc god. today was a whole lotta anxiety. not the bad kind. bc i realised today. i finally have problems that dont feel like theyre making me feel so fucking empty. like im soooo anxious and worried abt these problems but these r normal people problems now likeeee. i can cope w this kinda stuff. wowies. so tired. gonnna fall asleep at my desk. this music is loud iand it feels like itss. a big ocean. ive almost drowned so many times yknow. crazy. i wanna swim in a river w my friends. only river close to me is dirty as fuck tho n will give me diseases. or probably has a body in it somewhere. wanna find a good river i wanna. yeah. ok my head feels like. a carousel or whatevr. or like. oh my god i havet listened to hsi song in so long this is so 2021 core. wow. did  i just type core with my own two hands. god. ok. gonna text my friend. and be like. i love u . and then im gonna sleep. and think abt my friends and my more than friends and my less than friends. forgot hwo good this song was. mmm yea. ok. tmrw got english period3 . reminder 2msyelf incaase i get scared i get the period wrong. lemme check acrually

yep. english period3. 11.15-12.15. right there. and also. reminder 2 myself to. get to Maples house at 3.50ish and then. we go to my place. and if it rains thats good. if it doesnt rain we cry forevers. we could maybe like. chill in the garden. or watch movies. movies r good. could even kick my sister out of the livin room so we could watch movies there. n like. give her a distraction. or like. let her watch as well but idk if wed want her. bc like. yea thatd be awkward. idk. we could just watch movies in my room. or we could watch heartstopper like we said that one time bc its feelgood and i love feelgood shows and its aalso smth ik is good and is familiar 2 me and my autistic ass is scared of watching new films. id that an autism thing. well my ass is still autistic. so fuck u. and ur allistic ass. unless its not then i apologise to ur ass. ok.nighty nighty. oscar if u see this . um. Hi . ur coolllllllll as fuck ok yeah fuck u im gonna embarrass u in a publiccc postttt by sayingh howwww cool u rrrrr okie yea byebye. and also byebye everyone whios not oscar. ur also cool but not as cool.

[bulldagger-bait]

im so mad but meditation works. I kept being told to do mindfulness and meditation in therapy and i fucking hated it bc of how i was taught. But i just had to learn to do it differently and in a way that worked for me.

For me mindfulness is engaging in sensory seeking behaviour and completely dialing in and focusing on it and how it feels. Its trying to ground myself bc im chronically dissociated.

I was taught that meditation meant setting aside 15 mins a day and listening to the same fucking audio track. I loathed it. I never did it. It was so fucking boring and it was hard and i didnt want to do it.

But now i do it every day. Sometimes multiple times. And it helps.

I started for a stupid reason. I was getting super into star wars and i thought it was cool that the jedi meditated and i was like: i wonder if i can do that. They seem zen, i want to be zen.

So i started with just closing my eyes and doing some deep breathing and repeating a short mantra in my head. Like.... Less than a minute at a time. Its a bit embarrassing but i stole the mantra from the jedi code bc it was just an easy jumping off point. Id do a slightly altered version:

I will not focus on emotions, i will seek peace. I will not focus on ignorance, i will seek knowledge. I will not focus on passion, i will seek serenity. I will not focus on chaos, i will seek harmony.

Just. Repeated that a few times in my head while breathing slowly. And then id be done. And then over time, ive just naturally ended up doing it longer. I stop the moment i feel like stopping. I dont force myself to do it for a certain amount of time.

If i have to force myself to do something, then i will start hating it. But having a blasé attitude and just engaging in it for as long as i want? Thats easy. Once i get bored of it, i stop.

But now when i take a moment to be mindful, or i take a moment to meditate, im finding that i can easily do it for upwards of 20 mins.

I havent been meditating for long enough that i can "clear my mind" or whatever, or stop thinking. Im always thinking. So repeating a mantra helps. Its something to consciously focus on. But sometimes i dont do that. Sometimes i just let my mind wander and daydream. But if i do that, i also like to just take a few moments to try and center myself first.

Its worked wonders. I feel better. I feel so much more content, and so much more at peace. Because i do it randomly: like when im in a beautiful place, or when im feeling relaxed, or while im doing something that feels pleasant -- it means that when i get upset and stressed, im able to instantly reach for meditation as my first skill.

I got really stressed and worked up. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Maybe 15 seconds. Instantly felt better. Was it massively better? No. But it brought me back from a place of panic. Even if it was just 5%. It made me realise that i dont have control over certain things, but what i do have control over in that moment is myself.

Dont get me wrong. Ive still had a massive breakdown, and really bad stress episodes. But i was able to stop myself from having one bad moment, and i was able to reduce my amount of suffering for another two. Thats worth it to me.

Like, lets give some comparative numbers. Just like, me giving a random hypothetical.

Lets say that without meditation I would have had 5 stressful moments, subjectively i experienced this amount of unhappiness:

Caused 10/10 distress

Caused 5/10 distress

Caused 6/10 distress

Caused 3/10 distress

Caused 7/10 distress

Then lets say that i experienced the same situations but I had meditation in my toolkit, it would look like this.

Started at 10/10. Meditation didnt help.

Started at 5/10. Meditation brought it down to 4/10

Started at 6/10. Meditation brought it down to 4/10.

Started at 3/10. Meditation brought it down to 0/10

Started at 7/10. Meditation brought it down to 6.5/10

Like... Thats enough for me. I experienced less suffering. Instead of having a week with a 62% angst score, I had a week with 49%. Thats a significant decrease to me. Thats worth it in my opinion.

I wish i had found this way of doing things sooner, but im also just happy i found it at all.

[agoraphobe]

Thank you for the agoraphobia advice. What things should I look out for if I want to avoid a bad therapist? I do not want to seek help from a male therapist, so female therapist red flags would help if you know of any.

I think the root of my issue is complex but I believe it surrounds a fear of men due to very bad previous experiences. I've found that men at night bother me less (which you'd think would be the opposite. Maybe it's just the area I live in.)

I guess i was reaching out to you to find out where to start in fixing this. I am reaching a point where I'm having a hard time going to the grocery store at night & instead choosing to not eat when I feel too nervous. I sometimes will circle the block in my car around the 24 hour grocery store 3 or 4 times before going home. This is unsustainable, and a lot of the advice I see is to just push through it, which i do most of the time. I just feel really exhausted and hungry all the time & it's my own fault which is so fucking annoying. 😭 I've been using my hunger to motivate me to actually go into the store but sometimes I just can't. I refuse to do delivery because I know I won't be able to turn back once I start doing that.

Sorry for rambling. I don't really want to admit this to anyone I know because it's embarrassing but it feels nice that someone might understand.

im sorry 🩷 its definitely understandable though. im wary of most men as well and unfortunately i think this is common for a lot of women. for my own comfort i have always avoided male doctors, therapists etc. with the exception of my current prescriber who has been an outlier... but i also only meet with him via video call for a few minutes so that probably helps. anyway, as for female therapists, personally (and no offense to these women) ive found it tricky to "relate" and feel like im getting any benefit with therapists who are close to my age as well as women who are a bit elderly like 60+ but this could be totally different for you. red flags for me (beyond basic ones that apply to all therapists) have been therapists who just parrot everything i say back to me but add something like "yeah thats understandable" or "that must be tough for you" etc. i know its an actual technique theyre taught but it just doesnt feel helpful to me. it feels like im not actually getting anywhere? i also dont like when therapists try to make it seem like im just talking to a friend whos letting me vent, but that could be something you dont mind? its just a personal preference. id make sure to be clear about what you are experiencing and what you want to get out of therapy because itll help lay the groundwork for them and know where to start. id say a good therapist is someone who can help you figure out why you feel the way that you do and why you respond to situations like that but also what you can do to try to respond differently over time. i like therapists who actually establish "goals" for me to work toward, e.g. for me this looked like "i know its hard for you to take walks outside without feeling panicked, but maybe this week you can try to walk down to the next 3 houses then come back home and see how you feel," or like "i know you havent been able to go grocery shopping in a while. do you have someone you trust to go with you? maybe this week you guys can try to visit a smaller store you feel familiar with." basically exposure therapy but taking it a little at a time and giving yourself realistic/reasonable goals.

[motelpearl]

fuck j///kr she can choke

but yall I've been watching (pirating forever ofc I dont even have any means of acquiring them legally) the h*rry p*tter movies (not reading the books bc theyve long since been donated & if I may be so frank were honestly boring & full of irrelevant bullshit especially order of the phoenix onwards she definitely was surrounded by yesmen. did she fire her editor?) anyway I've been watching them for reasons I will not be disclosing at present but I can assure you those reasons are most noble/embarrassing/on brand &

the amount of anti irish racism(? if you can call it that idk europeans are ass backwards on everything) is staggering like we talk about her transphobia & antisemitism & fatphobia & racism towards poc at length but the anti Irish shit is in literally every movie like the fact that the irish kid is not only named seamus o'finnegan but his first appearance is him trying to turn water into rum & then it blows up & blowing things up is his whole gag throughout the series & then when the death eaters commit a whole fucking terrorist attack at the quidditch world cup (side note the focus on quidditch was one of the things that bored me so much about the books like your audience is nerds & you write at length about the intricacies of wizard hockey who caaaaares) one of the weasleys says "oh the irish must be celebrating" LIKE WHATTTT IM SCANDALIZED HOW DID THAT GET THROUGH SO MANY PEOPLE ONLY LIKE 10 YEARS AFTER THE TROUBLES ENDED

also people used to compare me to luna lovegood all the time when I was a kid which I took as a compliment then (bc I was a fucking nerd & would tell people I spoke parseltongue [& klingon] & would pretend to open automatic doors with alohomora & went to school dressed as a dementor) but now I'm like first of all that was NOT accurate I was way quieter & creepier & bitchier & more rednecky & weirder in a less palatable way than her but also SHE'S SOOOO GODDAMN ANNOYING LIKE I GET IT THAT WAS CUTE & QUIRKY AT THE TIME BUT NOW IM JUST LIKE UGH I KNOW PEOPLE LIKE HER & THEYRE ALL PAINFULLY INSUFFERABLE TAKE THOSE GLASSES OFF SIT DOWN

also I dont expect much from romances that take place in high school but godddd all the romances in this are so bland like harry & ginny might as well be a brick wall trying to seduce a wood plank (also I just hate seeing child actors pretending to be in love it gives me secondhand embarrassment like dont yall have blocks to play with or something? get back in the playpen) also I hate to say it but ginny as a character is so nothing like what traits does she have other than "nice"? shes defined by nothing except her relation to men like shes ron's sister & harry's girlfriend & that's about it (also i know literally nothing about acting so maybe I'm just yapping but I dont think she was particularly well-acted either though maybe that's just because the actress had so little to work with) (yes I know she was more outspoken in the books but she still annoyed me then SORRY!)

also I've seen all these movies but I was wondering "why do I remember so much of the first 4 but so little of the last 4 even though I literally saw order of the phoenix in the theatre" & now I realize its because after goblet of fire they become very depressing & admittedly still gripping but not necessarily fun to watch (& the things that are supposed to be lighthearted are so nonsensical like did we really need to see aragogs funeral & ron hoeing around? I feel like so much of half blood prince could've been cut out or replaced with more productive stuff ie. deeper explanation of horcruxes & showing how tom riddle became voldemort) like hedwig getting straight up murdered just feels egregious

I can never tell if helena bonham carter is a good actress or not like is bellatrix supposed to be like That

seeing the marvel reddit millenial cringe erm that just happened humor kicking in right in 2010 is crazy

ok maybe this makes no sense but the comparison between voldemort & hitler is old news at this point but was mcgonagall putting all the slytherins in the dungeon for the actions of a few of them an analogy for japanese internment or am I literally insane....does that make snape italy (also speaking of snape the way his outfit in the movies has sleeves so long they give him constant sweaterpaws makes me laugh. assigned uwu at costume department)

harry falling in love with a girl who looks just like his mom....not even wizardry can stop freud (also people have probably pointed this out idk idc i dont interact with the greater culture around this & didn't even when I was a big fan bc the fandom has long since made me want to commit atrocities but it pisses me off how everyone says harry has his mother's eyes to the point where its snapes last words before the biggest reveal in the series when hers are brown & his are blue & they're green in the book like ONE JOB ONE FUCKING JOB)

also the implication that voldemort cursed the defense against dark arts job bc he wanted to keep the younger generation unable to defend themselves shouldve led to harry becoming the teacher of that subject when he grew up instead of becoming a glorified cop like that wouldve closed off that arc (or harry couldve stayed an auror I GUESS & the teaching job couldve gone to neville bc he was the other half of the prophecy idk I shouldnt be investing so much thought into something so trivial & yet)

given what Shes on about these days it's weird how many plot points revolve around school bathrooms (including boys being in the girls bathroom actually saving a girls life) it's literally like one per book

am I stupid. has he been a christ figure all along.

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde

Act 6, page 5462-5466

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering undyingUmbrage [uu]

TG: psst hey calliopes bro

TG: i got

TG: a secret message 4 u

TG: it is

TG: ehehm

TG: CALLIOPE

TG: ....

TG: sooooooooo

TG: did that work

TG: calliope calliope calliope

TG: is 3 times the charm

TG: come onnnnn

TG: wake up sleepy head!

TG: le

TG: SIGN

TG: maybe youre just afk?

TG: i hope ur dumb POS brother doesnt end up reading this instead

TG: man i wish you would wake up

TG: rly wanna talk to a friend about everything that just happened

TG: i mean another friend who is not part and parcel to my 3 bffs ridorkulous nonsense

TG: guess ill just give u the scoop on the haps for whenever you wake up

TG: so yeah we all finally entered our game

TG: i think i was being the worst kind of turd 4 opposing the idea so long

TG: guess i thought i was being noble

TG: like sacrificing something that was important and we all wanted anyways just so i could fuck with the witch and her plans

TG: but i dunno what i was thinking

TG: cause this shit here is p great i have got to say

TG: now we are all of the sudden in this crazy place full of pretty green hills and a black empty sky

TG: i never actually seen anything like plants growin or a country side

TG: its so peaceful and quiet here

TG: i mean the racket my loudmouth pals are makin notwithstanding

TG: we are just chilling at jakes old broken house on a mountain figuring what to do

TG: lol this all happened so fuckin fast!

TG: i cant believe were all together like this suddenly

TG: just

TG: hangin out

TG: in actual person

TG: in our moon jammies

TG: this is better than i ever thought it would be in the silliest and stupidest way

TG: it feels so surreal and amazing just being here with my friends

TG: im still not even sure how this all came together

TG: mostly a lotta machiavellian/heroic XTREME STRIDER BULLSHIT

TG: like i was under attack there

TG: my colony was burning

TG: and i remember dying

TG: and i think jane must have died too?

TG: she was on derse but i have no idea how she got there

TG: i dunno if jake died too or what

TG: all i know is ppl were just dying their asses off left and right

TG: the b line is we were all in some shit

TG: dirk i think must have killed himself and like shipped his own head to jake on makeout mountain

TG: but dirk also kissed me it would seem

TG: while i was too dead to notice UNFORTUNATELY :c

TG: but then i woke up on derse which was gettin worked over by the red shit too

TG: and there jane was

TG: all lyin there bloodily and heart breakingly and probably dead

TG: so

TG: i knew i had to kiss her

TG: but

TG: god i feel so pathetic but i just couldnt do it for some reason?

TG: i wanted to but i guess the blood grossed me out and im a total disgrace of a friend

TG: i dont think ill tell her because its too embarrassing

TG: then dirk wakes up and kicks my squeamish butt out the way and kisses her even in spite of his superhuman gayness because he sucks less as a hero

TG: and then were blasting off suddenly on his fuckin rocket and i dont even KNOW whats happening but its all so awesome and we scoot by somewhere and pick jane up in her yellow dress and now SHES flying with us screamin the whole time hahahaha

TG: and then we get to jakes place and shit everywhere is on fire and hes asleep there so dirk splashes him with a bucket of ocean and tells me and jane to hide??

TG: so we do and jake wakes up and starts arguing with dirks gross head from the fucking future and climbs up on this stone wall for some reason and just starts making out with the head while the volcano explodes???

TG: jane and i are like what the absolute FUCK while dirks just there with his bucket all like 'yup'

TG: then we ollied out of that popsicle stand so now here we are

TG: wow

TG: that story is a goddamn mess

TG: what did i even just say

TG: i dunno

TG: ill try to make better sense of all this later

TG: i just wanted to tell you

TG: and thank you for all you did to bring us together like this

TG: it has meant so v much 2 me

TG: oh guess what i even have a new lightning bug pal!

TG: he is toties cute + friendly + blinky as all getout

TG: i think i will name him

TG: doctor blinkbottom

TG: no thats shit

TG: how about

TG: twinkly herbert

TG: lmfao that is kinda sucky too

TG: but i like it

TG: so i am a keep it

TG: herbert just blinked in total agreement omg what a friend

TG: ok calliope

TG: by which i mean.......

TG: CALLIOPE

TG: eh?

TG: ehhh???

TG: still nothin?

TG: k well i should go then

TG: my party is getting a lit bit rowdy over there

TG: oh my god what are they actually doing

TG: not even ten stinkin mins into our magic bestfriendquest and theyre already jacking up the drama

TG: need to flag down the dramambulance

TG: haul these fuckers away

TG: wow they are really being so absurd

TG: maybe its just cause im not tipsy atm but this shit is like hells of amateur hour to me r now

TG: maybe if i wasnt as sober as a nun gettin slapped by a librarian i wouldnt even notice?

TG: fa reals tho may i just say

TG: dying is a hell of a way to sober up quick

TG: got 2 remember that trick

TG: so hey wake up soon!!

TG: i will try again later

TG: must deal w some shit now

TG: urgh

TG: i think

TG: i could use a drink

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering undyingUmbrage [uu]

[namuneulbo]

week one hundred and nine

ive decided im gonna add the title bff to l for a bit now so its easier to tell apart my bff l from my talking stage l lol.

all i remember from monday was that n made me pick my fav trigun character. apparently im wolfwood lovercoded so she was happy i picked him.

tuesday was my high school grad! i wore a big white button-up as a dress w a black tie and my cowprint heels. i liked the outfit a lot!

the ceremony was wayyy longer than anticipated. afterwards my mom took some real awkward pictures of me. later we went for food, we were gonna get mexican but ended up going to this asian fusion place that turned out to be shit TT

we walked through some stores afterwards and then sat at a café for a bit before i had to leave to catch my piercing appointment. i got my right lobe and my belly pierced!! it hurt less than i expected it too which was nice. i got pretty anxious afterwards though bc i thought my ear would heal like shit bc of how close it seemed to the other piercing but its fine now lol.

wednesday we (me, i, bff l and c) hung at bass place and watched the annual president ball hand shaking thing. my old drum teacher was there??? i devoured some cucumber w dip and then i was nice enough to drive us to the music quiz. me and bff l ended up joining l and a. they played hash pipe by weezer right as we joined them which i got really excited ab!!!

i had an oral exam on thursday and i was so terrified ab it. me and d hadnt practiced beforehand but we ended up passing and i think our convo still ended up quite good. the criticism i received afterwards was ab how i said "이 아침" and "이 밤" instead of "오늘 아침" and "오늘 밤". its all good though, ended up getting an a on it so :D

friday i went to a second-hand shop to look for clothes but i had forgot that the one i went to doesnt sell clothes so i ended up looking and cds for a bit. i found born this way on cd and snapped l like "omg lol should i buy it?" but he didnt answer until i had left so i had just kind of left it behind bc i didnt think it was worth it but then later when he answered he was all like "OMG NOOO U SHOULDVE GOTTEN IT SO WE CAN MATCH" TT. so, on saturday when i went out to go thrifting, i stopped by that shop again and got it.

on friday evening me and l watched the perks of being a wallflower. i really liked it and the soundtrack was so good. its one of his favorite movies and i had either way been planning to watch it. he asked me actually last week if i wanted to watch it together w him but we ended up not doing it but i was glad he still remembered on friday.

btw we exchanged twitter on friday. i had to delete all my tweets ab him beforehand so ended up leaving him on delivered for like an hour TT sorry, pookie, im just embarrassed if u see all the tweets ab u of me going "HES SO HOT HE JUST SENT ME SUCH A CUTE PICTURE OF HIS OUTFIT OMG HES SO-."

after buying the cd on saturday i went to one other shop and there i got an anklet and a flannel. i wouldve gone to a third one but it was closed. i wouldve gone today instead buttttttt it closes so early. it closes and 4 pm and i woke up at 12 pm and spent a good... two hours (?) getting ready and the stores quite far away and its massive so i dont think id be able to look through it in time TT maybe im just making excuses.

l and i didnt really talk yesterday, only like... three snaps each and some tiktoks. he was out on bereal yesterday though so im assuming he was just busy and also its good to not,, feel like u constantly HAVE to talk to keep it going, yk? im working a lot on my anxious attachment and its actually gotten way better over just the past few weeks id say bc im starting to really feel like the feelings are thoroughly mutual. with that said... i do hope we talk more today lol. i love talking to him.

sotw: weezer - hash pipe

[bullshit-bulltrue]

so science lab was fucking insane today bc we had a substitute .

i had to be mean to someone, almost got hit with a chancla, found out a guy i liked in elementary has a crush on me, and i ended up falling asleep in the midst of it all

and bc i wanna type the rest in a weird format, here u go:

me: *leaves at the end of class* *goes to locker bc holy shit i just found out a guy likes me* *gets pissed bc shit don't be adding up* *contemplates why he would like me* lowkey gets mad 💀* *screeches + punches my locker and leaves a small dent* (...oopsie) *closes my locker and takes a deep breath*

ben: *pops up outta nowhere* (awoop jumpscare) (but in a good way) hey! *does a lil wave*

me: hi!

ben: yo your class was REALLY loud. we could hear you guys all the way from our room.

me: yeah it was ten times louder inside.

ben: damn

*pauses for a minute bc we kept bumping into each other since everyone else is fucking bumping into us*

me: hey did Mr e. play the gummy bear song for you guys and make you all dance?

ben: yeah *kinda embarrassed*

me: i figured, i heard it playing from the hallways lol

ben: well you guys were way louder lol

me: yeah its bc we had a sub

ben: ohhh that makes sense

me: everyone went crazy i swear. people running everywhere, almost got hit with a chancla

ben: wait what?!

me: yeah someone took aaron's slipper and threw it over my head. that was fun.

ben: oh wow

me: surprised i got out of class in time

ben: why's that?

me: oh i fell asleep and barely woke up before the bell

ben: you can fall asleep in there??? it was fucking loud

me: yeah, i can fall asleep if im tired enough

ben: wow

*we walk out the building doors and head toward the front of the school*

ben: hey did you finish the english essay?

me: i haven't even started it

ben: oh i finished it already

ben: ah..

me: yeah its due tonight so i'm just gonna scrape smth together

me: that was a joke. um, a bad one. it's not that hard, so i'll finish it up in no time. besides, we only have to write like 2 paragraphs minimum

ben: uhh yeah i *might* have written a more than two paragraphs..

me: what, like four?

ben: um.. more

me: seven? six?

ben: one less

me: five? omg, good job

ben: and i'm thinking of coloring in the drawing too. aiming for that extra credit 😎 but idk yet (he was joking. our school doesn't allow extra credit)

me: thats good! and hey as long as you have some pretty solid writing, i wouldn't worry too much about the drawing.

ben: yeah. oh and uhm i'll show you my writing tomorrow (we have english Okay!

me: okay! *about to leave*

ben: wait a minute! i actually have a picture of it saved, because i sent it to [insert persons name i dont remember]. *shows me the picture of the writing and drawing* me: wow, that's really good!

ben: yeah i actually don't know how many paragraphs that is lol (he didn't use indentations) and i still don't know about coloring it in

me: i'd say that's about 4-5. and, as i said, don't worry too much about coloring it in. you have a good amount written, so you should get a solid grade on that. and the diagram for your drawing looks good. if anything, maybe highlight the main parts. so it's bold you know?

ben: okay, thanks!

me: yeah, anytime! ever need help, just ask.

ben: okay!

me: see ya later!

ben: yeah, bye!

so yeah <3

also i figured out what was different abt him

so yk that part where ur hairline ends? yeah he got it. it was bugging me all day bc I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was different lol

[roseworth]

the cost of every dismal day

word count: 5.4k

summary:

Jason is looking for revenge. Dick is looking for a mysterious killer. Barbara is looking for a way to keep everything under control. All three of them are looking for some kind of relief.

(set in the Arkhamverse)

Read on AO3

[heckolve]

so so glad i finished this agt design work for my portfolio it looks so cool 🥺💞💓 i know i cant have my entire portfolio be character design lol but i love my character designs so much i love sharing them... 

[justice4harwin]

Light's Corruption- Chapter IV

Pairing: The DarklingxAlina

Summary:With few friends at the Little Palace, Alina must work to win the favour of her fellow grisha and their commander, who makes her feel light headed every time she sees him.

After training in Os Alta for two years, the king grows tired of waiting and demands the Sun Summoner joins a western post near the Fjerdan border along with the rest of The Second Army to test her abilities.

Something happens. Suddenly, Alina wants blood to run down the rivers and those who stand in her and The Darkling’s way will be blinded by her light and swallowed by his shadows.

It won’t be pretty

Rating: 18+

Click here for chapter 3

Tags are in the comment section. If you dont wanna be there or wanna be added please let me know 😊

Anyways, I hope you like this one. I'm really excited over a particular scene 😏😏

Chapter 4: golden butterfly, black rose

Alina woke up with a new purpose: to observe and listen.

She hastily threw the blankets and sheets off of her and put on her kefta as she realized she might be late for breakfast.

Running down the stairs, hair a mess, the Sun Summoner smiled and greeted everyone on her path.

Some replied. Others just stared oddly.

She entered the hall to find that, as usual, Marie and Nadia had left a seat empty between them. Alina gingerly took it.

"Good morning!"

They gave her smiles as they reciprocated the greeting.

"You're in a good mood today." Nadia noticed, taking her spoon.

"I slept like a baby." she lied. She hadn't gotten that much sleep -Genya must've gotten even less- but she felt good that day.

Just the day before, she had been able to summon on her own for the first time, and she had to stay positive if she wanted to accomplish her new mission.

She engaged more in the chatter with the grisha women that day, venturing so far as to reply with questions of her own to get to know them better.

"I didn't know you had a brother, Nadia." she said, genuinely surprised as they made their way to Botkin's stables.

The woman nodded with a half-annoyed, half-endearing smile.

"He's grisha too. A few years younger, so he's still at school. His name's Adrik."

"Is he a Squaller too?" 

Nadia confirmed that he was, because of course, the little rat had to copy everything about his older sister.

Alina laughed at that.

"The little girl seems very happy for someone who's about to get into a fight?" were the words with which Botkin received her.

Alina fought back the need to recoil. The only time she had won so far had been against Zoya, …if one could consider that a win given what happened right after.

"Maybe I'll be lucky today." she beamed at him.

Botkin seemed almost surprised.

"Positivity is fine, little girl, but you need to focus during a fight. But first." he clapped his hands twice, immediately getting all the attention. "Run around the lake. Twice. The last one to get back here will help the stable hands for the rest of the day."

Alina really ran like never before that day.

Her side hurt, and she almost felt like she wasn't getting enough air; but after the first half, her legs didn't burn so much anymore, and she felt almost as good as she did when walking.

"Damn, Starkov." she turned her head to see that Michail, a heartrender with a hard-shaped face and kind, green eyes, was easily keeping up with her. "When did you get this fast?"

"Practice." she said, a little breathless but feeling nice with the cold air slapping against her face. "Besides, I really don't wanna end up in the stables."

He laughed at that.

"That makes two of us. I hate those animals."

Alina frowned. She just didn't wanna clean up their shit, but other than that, she could find nothing wrong with horses.

"Why?"

"Those long faces," he said, gesturing over his own. "they're scary."

"You're scared of horses?!" she asked, disbelieving. 

"Why don't you yell it a little louder?" he asked, looking around at the disperse group, but he was smirking. They weren't at the front, but they weren't slagging at the back either.

"Sorry." she leaned in. "I'll keep your secret if you help me not to be the last."

"I don't think you need my help," he laughed. "but sure."

She got knocked down on her ass by a short Inferni woman with dark blonde hair, but Alina laughed it off, hiding her embarrassment, and stretched out a hand. The Inferni rose an eyebrow and then helped her up.

"Thanks." she told her, dusting off the back of her kefta.

"For kicking your ass?"

"Hey, I think I did learn a thing or two." she winked. "Next time I'll be ready."

"Oh, so you want a rematch?" the woman asked, amused, as she crossed her arms over her chest. 

"If you're up for it." Alina shrugged.

"Deal." they shook hands. "But it'll have to wait until we're done with him." she said, nodding towards Botkin, who was busy making rounds, watching the others. "I'm Natasha, by the way."

"Alina."

"Oh, I know. Everyone knows." she smiled once more before retreating to a small group of Inferni that had reunited by a corner.

As she passed by the lake in her usual route to Baghra's hut, Alina got startled by the damage she had done to the perfectly green grass. Gardeners were still at work getting rid of the black mass she had left in her path, going so far as to dig into the earth. They saw her passing and glanced up, some frightened, others definitely not amused.

"I am so sorry." she whispered frantically, before hurrying her steps.

"Don't let the heat out!" was all the greeting she got from the ancient woman.

Alina closed the door and hurried to the chair that awaited her. She was smiling.

"I don't think that will be a problem." she said, proud of herself.

She scoffed. "So I have heard. Show me." she said, hitting her in the arm with her cane.

"Ouch!"

With a nasty frown, Alina placed her palms in front of the others and called the light that she had rejected for so long. So eager to answer, her power rushed through and out of her, and she was almost puzzled by its intensity. She focused on keeping the orb small.

"Uh. Well, it took you long enough."

"A 'Congratulations' would be nice."

She got hit again. Her light wavered and then solidified again.

"Congratulations? What? Do you want a parade thrown in your honour as well? For what? Doing what you were supposed to do your entire life? Shut up and expand the orb. Make it encompass the entire place."

With deep breaths, both to concentrate and control her anger, Alina steadily expanded her light, making it fill the hut.

"Bend it to its shape."

Carefully, she tried to do as she was told.

"You were right, about being held back." she uttered as she tried to shape her light to blend in with the walls.

"I know." the woman said, petulant. "Now call it back and repeat until there is no effort to it."

Alina tried, and tried again, but as eager as her power was to explode, her body was eager for a long, long nap. There had been so much repression, so much denial for so many years, that it was as if the light wanted to just explode out of her body and consume it all.

It scared her a little, but she focused.

The Darkling had told her she was magnificent, Alina remembered, and he had made it sound like she was capable of anything.

The way his grey eyes shone with such intensity, like he wanted to engulf her into his arms and have her all to his own, the way in which his hand felt against hers, or how just even being next to him made her want to lean into and over him like a lazy, overly clingy cat. 

She'd lay on top of him all day if she could.

Alina wondered what would've happened if Genya hadn't arrived at the moment she did. Would The Darkling had kissed her? What would his lips taste like? How would his beard feel against her skin? Just exactly how good was he with his tongue?

Alina blushed. The light flickered, as if excited at the mere idea of the man.

She had kissed a few people before, but him, there was something about him that told her that if he should kiss her only once, she'd spend the rest of her life running after the very same sensation and more.

"Dreaming about your dark prince again?"

She looked at Baghra.

"What?" looking around, she noticed that her light had expanded farther than the hut and she was glowing.

Alina snapped her hands, and everything was dark again. Her fingers tingled with power, her eyelids closed with exhaustion.

"I-I wasn't-" she blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the new environment.

"Stupid, stupid girl. You need to focus on your task."

"I'd concentrate better if I wasn't being hit every five min-OUCH!"

"Do not make excuses with me. You are lazy, easily distracted, you do not know what you are getting yourse-"

"You know, for someone who's supposed to be such a great teacher, I've still got to see some actual teaching." Alina snapped. "All you do is yell at me, hit me and belittle me; yet one conversation with The General I can finally summon." the brunette spat, each word more angrier than the previous one. "So don't try to blame me for your shortcomings."

Baghra was silent, nostrils flaring. When it looked like she might raise her cane and hit Alina right in the head with it, she opened her thin lips instead:

"Out." she uttered, almost inaudible. "Out! And do not come back!"

"Gladly!"

Alina stood up and marched for the door, her steps almost as loud as the insults the old woman was throwing after her.

"Stupid girl! Unconscious! Just another pawn of his! You never learn! Lazy! Stupid! Blind!"

 It was a good thing the old crone couldn't see the tears of frustration and shame in her eyes.

She was on her way back to the Little Palace, trying to decide if she should bathe or go to the library first.

Baghra’s words still rang in her head.

Maybe, if she was quick, really quick with her bath,...but then again, she was getting too used to such a luxury, that once in there it was quite difficult to leave unless the water turned cold.

But if she went to the library, she’d be there until the words blurred and her eyes burned.

On the other hand, there were other grisha in the library, and she couldn’t afford to walk in there smelling like-

"Alina?"

General Kirigan's smooth voice had her turning on her heels, hand still massaging the spot on her arm Baghra's cane had so harshly landed. She had managed to hold back the tears, but the woman's word still stung.

"Moi Soverennyi." She greeted but forgot to bow.

He looked at her arm.

"How was your lesson?"

"I spent months with her and nothing; five minutes with you and I can summon." She basically spat, still bitter at Baghra's harsh words. "I think that speaks for itself."

He smiled, almost.

"Give the old woman some credit. She is good at what she does."

"Terrorizing isn't teaching." she replied, and then, with her head high, added: "She didn't get me to summon."

"No." The Darkling agreed, taking a step towards her. All engulfed in his black cloak, he almost seemed to float. "You did it. It was all you." He said it with such reverence that her breath became shallow.

She didn't look away from his eyes. The storms swirling in there were magnetic. There was so much going on in there at the moment, yet it all sped up through those grey orbs so fast she couldn't make sense of it.

"Why don't you teach me?" The words slipped from her tongue before she could think better of it.

He rose an eyebrow, taking another predatory step towards her.

"I serve the King. I run an entire army. I do not have the time to train everyone personally, nor would I want anyone to think they are favoured above others." 

He was so close to her now, she had to crane her neck to look up.

"You once said there was no one else like us; who could be a better teacher?"

In truth, she also wanted to see him more often. Glimpses as he passed through the Little Palace or left Os Alta, and the occasional conversation weren't enough for her.

"You flatter me, Miss Starkov."

"I only state my opinion." she took a step, shortening the distance, like he was a magnet calling for her.

Mirth shone in his eyes. It made her smile. 

"I will be going away for a few weeks." At this, her smile fell, and his formed as he tilted her chin up with his gloved fingers.

Alina stared up into his eyes, dark with something.

"I'll miss you." She whispered, foolishly, without thought. 

"Will you?" He asked, almost perplexed for a moment.

She found herself nodding.

"I know we don't get much chance to talk, but I like talking to you." She confessed, a knot in her throat. "You understand all,...this." she flickered her fingers and a tiny orb of light formed above her hand.

His eyes followed suit, almost fascinated, like he still couldn't quite believe her power was real. And when he looked at her, it was like he couldn't believe she was real.

His hand rose and shadows swallowed her light. Alina watched them dance, entranced by his power, and noticed it taking shape.

"For you." The Darkling said, handing her a black rose, from the base of its steam to the very last petal. "To remember me by while I am gone."

Disbelieving, she reached out and gasped as she touched the shadow. There was a little bit of gold in there, her own power hidden within, shimmering weakly here and there.

"I don't have anything to give you." She said, lamenting.

He leaned down, his beard rough against her soft cheek.

"Trust me, Alina," he whispered, her name on his lips against her ear making her tremble. "I could not forget you if I tried."

There was the whisper of a kiss against her cheek that seemed to linger for the longest moment, …and then he was leaving, cloak flipping behind him as he left the sun Summoner holding onto a small piece of shadow and a piece of her heart gone with him.

Click here for chapter Five