#or dont. maybe its less embarrassing 4 me that way

[strab3rr]

(long story and no short sorry) GUYSSS I DID ITT

I INDUCED IT!!!!! I WAS PURE AS A FUCKING BABY

IDK WHAT TO SAY (ok enough w capslock)

i have so much to say and not a thing at da same time idk how

anyway i want to begin with thanking you @b4ddprincess bc youre the reason i realized why i started this thing. thank you for making my life better and make me realized what i need to do: nothing. (its same for you guys, all u have to do is nothing)

two fuckn years ago i said to myself that i need a better life, quiter life, less fight with everthing bc everything was so loud and not clear i was feeling lost like a child in the market, and i wanted to make things better for myself in every way, but the main idea of my reasons to wanting to get in the void was: making anxiety go and having better people in my life. but the ''voidlist'' just never stopped bc im kinda greedy(having the idea of controling on your life, the idea of that power makes you greedy. yes thats a thing) anyway the more i add to the list the more i feel like im movin away from my desires then i feel depressed bc ive overcomplicating it bc theres so many things to do but i dont do anything so nothing happend bc i was waiting to be someth happen. and then i started doing awkwardly silly things such as: void routines and challenges and (im embarrassed of this one bc i was too desperate) drinking water

youve read it correct drinking water.

i was sooo desperate for having those things id do anything to get them.

i am simple. i want what everyone wants🎀🎀🎀: shifting realities bc i have so many crush and i need them to be crush me in bed(for 2020 girlies)

being an academic weapon is so easy for me🎀(bc of the urge to make my family proud) +dream collage

being the girl that everyone gets along w(basic needs)

being the girl who is pretty not cute(trauma response)

glowing aura(cats loves people w glowing aura yes thats a thing too)

dream body n hair(bc i deserve this🎀)

healthy (girlyfriend)friends(basic needs)

and of course him, my sp(i cant tell wich one at that time but i releived that its not him now, bc MY BELOVED CURRENT BF. guyss he is the one. dont u dare ask me how you know? i literally manifested him🎀)

then i realized i can have everything bc its my reality so why not add these:

new phone, +macbook air

dream apartment of my own

pinterest closet

lifa app for this reality

financially free-money(a lot. like really a lot)

knowing 4 languages like a native person(bc i want to be diplomat so bad) +sign language(its in general)

a little drama(its not gonna hurt anybody)

my parents being more lovable and away from me

every time i try to get in, either i was failing or falling

and im sick of it, sick of it so much i quit.(for a year)

then i go to the theraphy(ofc no im jk ilove being crazy)

one day i saw a post ss from tumblr about pure consciousness on pinterest and i was like whaat is thiiss. no mention of void so i thougt its a diffrent thing and i download the tumblr again and search everything abt it. and same excitement again after one year same thougts and same list popes up in my head. and i was like ok maybe this time itll happen.

still waiting to be someth happen so nothing happend, it was such a waste of time trying to get in while i was already be, i was already what i want to become. i was that girl that everyone gets along with but i couldnt even see bc i was too focused on wanting to be. but still tried every night and failed. and again tried-failed-quit circle bc.. have you ever met me🎀

4 month ago i saw the girl, iconic blogger and the goddess of my dreams, her @b4ddprincess thx again love u so much

a post pops in my fyp and i see the words ''pure consciousness'' i was like noo not again. and i was serious abt it i wasnt gonna read the whole thing but it attract me n i couldnt resist it so ive read it from the top to the bottom. and she got my interest so i stalked her page from the last and to the first post. it was quiet a beautiful journey for me. lasted like 3 days, the end of the 3rd day i was ''woaw it was this easy all along? u cant be serious.'' she was. i tried one last time, no breathing exercise, no ridiculous routines and no waiting something to be happen. it was just me being real me chilling out asf.

and it was this easy and it should be this easy bc being your 4d self is being nothing also being everything at the same time. if u wanna be everything you should be nothing first(as wizardliz saying: drop the old story, leave the victimhood, for being better stop being bitter etc.)u should make a space for everything first and then u can be everything.

for being 4d self of yours stop being your3dself.

sooo long story (no)short i am writing this from my mac in my new apartment(in middle of the night bc i couldnt sleep and then one tumblr notification reminded me i have a success story to share too) and my phone buzzing two minutes a time bc of my friends while im writing this, so if theres anything wrong ignore it pls.

oh u asking my bf how cute, hes sleepin in my bed now, exhausted from the work n school balance.

YWS SCHOOL!! im in my dream collage and im going to be in paris for a week. i deserve a vacation i guess(its for another conference), i kinda hate french men bc theyre so mansplaning(not like how i imagined, its hard to be friends w them)girls are cute but i feel like theyre aware im not permanent there so we just con buddies still cute and hepful for this foreigner.

and i canceled the lifa app thingy bc i can be my purest consciousness anytime i want, so i am my lifa app.

and thx to 4 languages i make a lot of money and that brings us to the pinterest closet, yesterday i realiased that. theyre not comes to me w an imaginary way like i imagined! i go outside for shopping casually and theyre there luckily i have enough money to buy them.

and my family theyre living in our hometown now so as i want it to be, we are away from eachother.

and the most magical thing: SHIFTING REALITIESSS

i did 5 world before i met w my bf. it was such a wonderful experience. if you have doubts abt shifting you can go fuck urself

because sir i did it and i am very sure that dean winchester being my husband is not a daydream, fantasy nor lucid dreaming. believe it or not he kissed me GOD HE KİSSED ME(someone should stop me i have a bf)

is there anything i missed let me see.. cats i have 2 cats now and theyre adorable. glowing aura-check

the girl who is pretty not cute- check +make anxietygo-checkcheckcheck

dream body and hair- check and check

i wanna give u a info i didnt have all my desires by being my4dself

not directly actually. but i have them all. and thats the point.

im not trying to be a blogger but if you have any question abt anything, id be happy to help

now i need to upgrade things in my farm byeess

loves, siena.

[kosmicdream]

Hello. After drawing webcomics for 10 years and making about 10,000 pages of comics, here are some things i have learned/observed in that experience..

1) making comics does not get easier.. Not really

Making comics is a tedious and slow process and with so many different facets of the experience to learn - you’ll never run out of stuff to learn or weaknesses to work on. I’m not saying this to discourage but to just give the frank reality that it really takes a lifetime to understand. Be patient with yourself and try to set healthy expectations. 

2) Read your own comics after making them.

I don’t know if this is as important to other people as it is to me, but I do think that sometimes its easy to not re-read your own work and just go from your own memory of it, or maybe you’re tired of looking at it because of all the flaws. I don’t personally get sucked into the “rewrite/remake” cycle that I know is common with comics, as I sort of just accept things as they are, but re-reading my work does help me see where I have come from and where I need to go to next. I personally don’t like to lose sight of that, and I think re-reading helps ground me in the planning process of my work and gives me a better perspective on all aspects.

3) A lot of comic advice should be taken with a grain of salt, because its the person talking to themselves. (including this)

I see a lot of advice that never would have worked for me, or just simply wasn’t something I was ever going to follow. “Dont start with your big epic long stories”! Is a common one. I don’t think that’s bad advice exactly, but how many young artists are going to listen, especially if they’ve never told a story in the first place? Yes, the advice to start small and build yourself up with experience sounds great, I’m sure people do it, but if you’re an artist you’re probably not gonna be that responsible. And for me, when i tried to do this with eggshells, my house burnt down and i kinda gave up comics for a while because i lost a lot of work. 

Writing short stories is still something I struggle with, its just not easy for me. I have gotten better at it but i don’t think that makes me less of a comic artist because I haven’t gotten good at that particular format, or that I jump around on my projects. Is it more impressive to have more completed work under your belt, sure. But I also think that.. Idk.. what is the advice actually saying, because with that one it sort of feels (often times) as a warning that you’re setting yourself up for failure/embarrassment by attempting a comic like that. I don’t know how to tell you this, but comics are gonna be embarrassing no matter what you do and there’s no guarantee you’ll be more successful/not experience failure by avoiding your passions. Something to think about anyway. 

4) Don’t draw every leaf. Unless you really want to.

I’m the kind of comic artist that kind of doesn’t care about the art as much as the whole package of the comic. When i see a very impressively drawn panel/page, with laborious detail that is well drawn and maybe even colored ect.. That usually is kind of, I guess, a turn off for me as part of the reading experience. The thing is, when i encounter that, it usually signals to me that someone has poor planning skills for comics. It says to me that comic is probably not going to see its end or that artist is overworking themselves in an unnecessary way, that ends up concerning me about how they’re doing. Because i know how hard it is to draw comics. When an artist phones things in a bit, or has a limit on how much they work on a page, its a relief for me to see! because I understand they have healthier boundaries and expectations, and the art itself usually is less stiff too. This is all an overgeneralization, but I think with a lot of webcomic artists we are usually drawing a comic for the first time ever, so it makes sense we want to do our best and try as hard as possible - that just usually isn’t the smartest plan to put all the stock in the visual department. This also kinda frustrates me to see because most comics (professional or not) will also (generally) not reel the art in ever or make a more simple style. Generally I see it always trying to outdo itself, which leads to burn out. I personally only work about 1hr on each page i draw, that hasn’t changed in the 10 years I have been drawing comics, but i used to spend hundreds of hours drawing detailed lineart for eggshells and it didn’t even read well and i’d be disappointed with the results, feeling more lost with my goals than ever. PLEASe.. Just draw worse, its usually better looking in the end too. (because you wont have the experience to judge visual clarity until you’ve been drawing comics for a while imo..)

5) Don’t draw ahead, draw those inbetweenies.

“Inbetweenies” are the pages for the “boring” ones. They are also usually the most common KIND of page. Its the pages that are necessary, but “inbetween” the action. The impact moments in a scene, ect. You gotta draw them. They’re always gonna be there. They’re the pages where maybe, the character is walking somewhere, thinking, ect. The after impact from an action.. There’s a million examples, but hopefully you’ll understand what I mean when I say they’re both necessary pages/panels, sometimes so mundane/redundant, but also required for telling the story.. As a comic is a sequence of images. This is why, the previous advice is also important IMO- because if you really want to “draw every leaf” - maybe you should save that energy and effort for those impact moments that you want to impress the reader with.. And not for the inbetweenies, which are the foundational support, but also not the most important moments. If you conserve your energy a bit, the contrast OF that effort will also pop more. I personally find it funny when I put more effort into a page and end up tricking my readers into thinking I got better at drawing, when really i just have been able to draw better and only save it for moments like this instead of always.

Also, when I say don’t draw ahead.. I mean I draw each page at a time before going to the next one. I have no idea if this is an unusual practice or not, and I know a lot of people will draw their chapters/episodes/whatever in sections like sketch/ink/color/ect.. But I personally draw and finish page by page, unless its the thumb/sketch stage. Even then, i don’t go ahead much. I think that you can control flow/pacing better by doing chapters all at once of course, I see that as a benefit. But i also think that makes things very overwhelming and can also result in a lack of flexibility if something isn’t working. No matter HOW much planning you do- comics are always going to have an aspect of IMPROVISATION with the result you get in the end. There are way too many factors in play to be in complete control of all of them and always know the result of the reading experience. SO for me, this technique is easier and has been something that continues to get me to working effectively. Plus, rumiko takahashi said that’s what she does. And i think she has some of the best visual flow/compositions in comics. So that’s what I do.

I could write more personal advice or rules that i follow..but I think those are the ones I find are the most important to me anyway. Of course, comics are a strange medium and not everything that works for me will work for you. That’s all for now.. Bye bye…! 

Oh by the way, my comics are here: feastforaking.com nastyreddogs.com https://kosmic.itch.io/ Support me on patreon! https://www.patreon.com/kosmic

[xkleipsis]

High and Low

An arranged fate

Norihisa Hyuga x reader

P.1 P.2 P.3 P.4

—————————————————————————

Hyuga’s men showed me the way to a car before driving me to the house.

I unconsciously scoff as i look outside the window as the car moved, drops of water still hitting the ground outside, “can’t even bother to take me there personally. Mannerless” i mumbled, though it seems it was a bit too loud as his men glanced at me.

I wont deny that they also seemed a bit..scary or intimidating. Maybe its because im used to deal with business types of people and not gangs, but still, not even one of them said anything. Can’t they at least make it less obvious that they dont like me.? I sigh mentally.

After 30 minutes of drive the car finally stopped, one of the man showed me the house, and the guest room before leaving me alone..in this house, i mean at least they trust me enough to believe i wont steal or something, right?

“A win is a win, i guess” I muttered, as i settled in the new room.

After a couple of hours of cleaning and organising i was finally done, just then i felt the hunger hit me causing me to go downstairs in the kitchen to hopefully find something to eat, to my disappointment but not entirely surprised. The fridge and cabinets were quite literally empty, there was water, alcohol, seasonings powders, alcohol, a pack of cigarettes, and alcohol; seriously i hope he isnt an addict.

I rubbed my face out of frustration, the glasses were starting to feel heavier than they should, my hunger increasing and all i was surrounded by was alcohol. Im not the greatest cook, matter of fact i hate cooking but damn.

Not even 10 minutes and i was already out of the house, using the gps to navigate as apparently there is a night market.

After around 20-30 minutes of walking i finally reached it, thank god i choose to wear something comfortable, i think, as i look around. The streets were lively, alongside with lights but what caught my eye are the food stalls. I smile as I approach the stall and bought some late night snacks before finding a seat on a side walk to eat.

While i ate i couldnt help but about my situation. I thought about it so much before too to the point im getting sick of it. Work wise i can work from home, easy. Living with a total stranger, i can manage; but that stranger its him.

I close my eyes after taking a bite of the snack, while thinking of him. I have strong morals, knowing that if he cheats or raises his hands i’d leave, but, by doing so the whole bloody family tree would complain and im still in no position of affording that. Not financially, but mentally. As I am cursed after all, by being too emotional, its embarrassing and exhausting. Feeling things deeper than other.

I dont want to be pessimistic, maybe he’s not bad?

Before i had realised, i finished all my food. Should i get more? Nah, i’ll come by tomorrow. I mentally tell myself, as i looked at the time on the phone and realising that it was already past midnight.

Standing up, I started walking back, slowly and calmly while listening to some music. By the time i was back, vintage type of car was parked outside, and noise could be heard from inside. I took a deep breath before slowly opening the door with the key given to me earlier, only to find a bunch of men playing cards with a stack of money on the side. Hyuga being one of them, but he just smoked while watching them. Less then 10 seconds and all eyes were on me, the house now quiet with only music still blasting which very quickly was lowered by one of his men.

“Umm” i bit my inner cheek as i glanced at the clock hanged on the empty wall, hideous taste honestly, which showed that it was about to be almost be 2 am. “Isnt it a bit too late to be playing cards and bets?” I asked, mainly looking at Hyuga, my tone was slightly tired but genuine, not sarcastic or anything, i mean i still a nobody here after all. I know my place.

“What did you just say” a man replied as he slightly approached me, clearly with the intention of intimidation, but just then Hyuga spoke “they can play whenever they want, its my house” his tone cold yet clearly irritated “who are you to question how the stuff works around here” he says while getting up and approaching me.

“I didnt mean it with harm, its just i plan on going to sleep, cant sleep if you’re loud” i explained, calmly. A scoff escapes his lips “what do you want me to do about it. This is how here things work. Dont like it then get out” he smirks.

Ah, Now I understand, he wants me out, then too bad i tend to be petty. Had he asked nicely i probably would’ve. I smile forcefully “i’ll just use my headphones” before going to my room; needless to say that night I struggled and that was just a bitter taste of how its going to be from now on.

By the next couple of days i managed to settle in and made a routine. In the morning i worked from home while in the afternoon when the noise and chaos would start id go to a nearby cafe, even food wise i ate out for the majority or id just bought food that was quick to cook while i also noticed that Hyuga or his men never really went in the kitchen unless to grab ice or alcohol, i figured they ate out too.

My relationship with him was nonexistent, we didn’t talk or barely crossed paths and when we did, he just glared at me as if i were to be a eye sore. The same went with his men although most of them would make jokes, the mean types, like bullies, they are annoying and sometimes they got to me but of course im not going to show that.

Slowly weeks passed, everything was still the same though he did stop glaring at me at every chance. I cant deny, it was boring but I mainly didn’t like it how things were. I am going to marry the guy yet we never had a proper conversation, so i did try to approach him, mostly when he was alone at home which was rare but everytime he spouted some insults before leaving. I guess he must’ve told his gang about it as the jokes had upgraded, but can anyone really blame me? I didn’t wanted to get married to him either,but id dread it more if i’ll spend the rest of my life like this.

Having high morals doesnt help either, because i know i wont bring myself to cheat. Physically or emotionally. Therefore becoming at least friends is my only option.

It was a Saturday morning, i was resting on my bed reading a book, before hearing Hyuga shout my name. Weird, i think as i went downstair only to find him standing, waiting. He started to speak the minute he saw me, “you wanted to get closer right” he asks? No, more like says, in a tone as if forced. I nod slowly, “something like that” i reply wondering where it was going. “Then make a barbecue or a dinner for my whole gang and there also will be some extra guests, if it goes successfully then i’ll let you” he says with arrogance causing me to slightly get irritated but I quickly calm down. “If i cook, im sure everyone will be victims of food poisoning” i reply, honestly im not that bad, but how is he going to know that.

“Yes or no then?” He asks, bored. “For when?” I asks, preparations for such things normally require enought ti- “tonight” he blurts out “say what? You want me to cook for many people for tonight?!?” I say in disbelief. “If you dont want, say so” he replies, i sighs before biting my tongue “fine”.

(I tried to make it longer…also lmk any opinions on it)

[jennifer1437]

talking abt anxiety abt my genitals, my perceived sexual role, my worries as a tgirl about who i should be.

im gonna just talk about something that has been bothering me essentially since I've transitioned. ive been thinking about it today and it makes me feel so conflicted and weird and sad so i figure i will try talking about it bc usually i just sit and think on it, which im not sure really gets me anywhere. I can also try bringing it up with my therapist in more detail sometime but idk. maybe as a trans woman it will feel better talking to you about it, or at least you will understand where im coming from. anyways, what has been bothering me since i started my transitioned and even today and probably into the future is how i feel about my penis, specifically about my ability to get erections + the atrophy that comes from estrogen. i think even more specifically though im bothered by my own perception on that problem, and the internalized feelings i have about it all. so like obviously i have like a normal sized penis or whatever and obviously from being on estrogen for four years there has been some atrophy. its not yet to the point where im like, having a meltdown about how its too small to make penetrative sex viable. however, i have this really bad anxiety that sometime in the near future the atrophy will be so bad that i wont even be able to have penetrative sex or at least have it in a way that makes it worth it for me/my partner. and i have done things to ease that, like ive been taking cialis for the past like 3 years (icr when i started having trouble maintaining erections but when i did i FREAKED out and got on cialis). and i know all about atrophy and how getting erections can help prevent it and all that trust me i know about it all and i know about topical testosterone and everything like i get it, thats not really the issue.

i think what the issue is……is like everyday for the past 4 years, ive been feeling like im at the crossroads of having to decide whether im going to "use it" or "lose it". i feel so much anxiety about that prospect. it really eats up at me. like seriously, almost everyday or every other day, i find myself worrying about my dick size and my ability to get erections. how long do i have. what am i gonna do when it happens. and so on top of that, i have to like, consider where this is coming from. its weird. im kinda sexually inexperienced, and i have not had a lot of opportunity to experiment. in the past, before i transitioned, i was a "man" fucking straight girls aka just like standard topping. and it felt weird and confusing. and then since i have transitioned, i have still been forced into that position, more or less. i still have been expected, in the past, to top someone in penetrative sex. either bc i have a penis, or because im tall, or because i present masc, or any other innumerable things. and i think i hate that but also i cannot shed that perception or persona. i feel like i have this pressure on me; that everyone who sees me or meets me expects me to be the top and expects me to use my penis in a certain way and expects me to fulfill a certain role/position. and the worst part is that its not true bc that pressure is coming from within myself and not from the outside world. but i dont know what to do about it. i dont want to feel like this is the only way for me to live, the only way for me to be useful to others, the only way to have sex, the only way to make my partner be happy. it just eats up at me. i dont get it. i mean i do. its this pressure we face as trans women to behave a certain way bc of our bodies. and ive internalized it.

but still, worst of all is like. im not even sure i like penetrative sex. i mean i think i do. its kinda all ive ever had the chance to do. i like. and this is so embarrassing typing out here like this god kill me LOL. but i like how pussy feels. ok fine god. it feels good. i can climax easily doing that. but when i topped a girl (and this was one time but still) anally it was just ok. i didnt particularly like it. despite it all though, when i top (i say that to mean with penetrative sex), im almost always anxious. maybe not anxious, because i know how that feels and it doesnt quite feel the same. but i am worrying. idk how to describe it. but i have trouble focusing on the pleasure or whatever. i feel overly concerned with fulfilling my role, and with how im doing, whether its a good job or a bad job. i do enjoy myself, but it doesnt really bring me any closer to sex or pleasure. it feels good, and i can climax and all. but…idk. and to add to that, i get like anxious that i havent had penetrative sex in a while. im like…anxious to top someone with a vagina. because i know it feels good. because its like, what i know how to do. because i feel like its what i should be doing. like if i do that, then everything is what it should be. all is right in the world. going so long without doing that, i feel like im a rut. i feel like i have this purpose, this thing im supposed to be doing, but im not. and worst of all, im wasting it by not doing it. im wasting myself by not topping, im wasting time by going this long without topping. i should be pleasing someone, i should be this perfect persona. and i cant get that feeling and that anxiety to go away. i dont even look at it or think about it. it just eats and me and i try to ignore it or distract myself.

and i hate that i feel like im a waste. it sucks. it feels like everyone wants me to do something, and if i dont then im just letting everyone down. and theres no other options at all. i think on top of it, the thought of being a pure "bottom" is like…theres maybe this feeling of shame. idk. i really dont examine it or let my examine it, since i think i dont let myself think of it as an option. i like, think of myself as bad or ugly if i was just a bottom. like who would want that, what would that do for me or for anyone. a six foot, masc bottom with a penis. what is that. my mind tells me that its all wrong. and so i feel paralyzed, like im frozen with anxiety and shame and fear and anger. i have this intense, consuming need to be perfect, to be exactly what everyone wants me to be all at once. becuase i hate myself so much and think im so awful, im always trying to hide it by being the best i can possibly be at everything i try. like if im perfect, then everyone will love and accept me, despite how terrible i am it will be okay if im just perfect. and ive internalized the role i need to fulfill to make others happy. and theyre happy, then that means im safe, for now. that means im not alone. that means i get to be with someone.

it all makes my head hurt

i mean im using "top" and "bottom" loosely, because i know at the end of the day there is no such thing as a person who is a "top" or a person who is a "bottom". theres people who enjoy topping, and people who enjoy bottoming. and i guess that kind of encapsulates it, is that i think of myself as a "top", not as a person who enjoys topping or enjoys bottoming, but as a person who is meant, and expected, to do one thing. to top.

im just not sure i can be myself. im not sure i can be who i am and be loved for it. im not sure if i can let myself do that. im not sure if anyone wants me to do that. im not sure if its okay to do that.

[pixie-felix]

okay SO. mommy kink x skz, the polls are WRONG and lemme tell you why. 😤 (this is all in fun and not actually meant to be taken seriously/aggressively just fyi lol)

going into this saying theyre all into calling their partner mommy bc this is for fun and i can make them into whatever i want bc its not real lol

for accidentally saying it with the hyung line the very CLEAR answer is changbin. that man can't double task for SHIT, as has been proven on multiple occasions. so if hes having sex hes 100% not focusing on whats coming out of his mouth hes only focused on the other person and whoopsie daisy hes gonna say whatever comes to mind and not even realize it.

why not the other guys? chan is too in his head. he's going to be focused too much to let something slip like that. hes a PERFECTIONIST to an insane degree, he thought about what hes gonna say as soon as he felt the mood change or probably even before that tbh i wouldnt be surprised if he has like a default "script" of some sort for sex lol. minho personally i just cant see making a mistake like that? i actually dont have a reason other than i dont think he would lmao. hes a brat so i think hed be more likely to keep from calling his partner that on purpose to piss them off more than anything. and hyunjin i have a similar reasoning as chan, i just think hed be too locked in to say that on accident. hes silly for sure (#paboracha) but he's also very romantic and i think he would be too focused to let it slip on accident. i also cant imagine that sex with hyunjin would involve any less planning than mood lighting, candles/incense, and music bc hes just Like That.

accidentally saying it with the others, definitely jisung ngl. the mans a freak (affectionate) and hed absolutely be too far gone into it to realize what hes saying. just fully drunk off it all saying whatever shit comes to mind and yeah thatll slip out at some point.

felix wouldnt say it on accident, i personally feel like hed be pretty open with what he likes in bed with his partner and he would have talked about it beforehand. seungmin i think is pretty quiet in general and wouldnt talk much during. (im autistic and i see traits of that in him (and chan tbh) a lot and so i might be projecting with that one but idkidk(also not diagnosing him obvi, im not a doctor or anything i just relate to him often. ok? ok)) jeongin would be too shy to say it, he gets babied a lot anyways and i feel like hed be worried about his partner seeing him differently or less grownup ig.

for "accidentally" *wink wink* saying it, minho. i can see it happening when hes been with someone for a bit and things have been ~getting heated~ but haven't escalated all the way yet. hes been teasing all day like the menace he is (god i love that man, i want to slap him so bad) and then he lets it slip and oops~ did i say that out loud~ oh no~~

i think the others would be too self conscious to say it on "accident" on purpose like that. chan would overthink it too much, changbin would be too shy, and hyunjin would be too embarrassed.

second half, i see it in a tier list.

1. felix

2. seungmin

3. jisung

4. jeongin

felix is first cuz hes a lil shit and a menace, try and convince me otherwise (you cant). hes just got the vibe of >:) all the time and i can totally see him pretending to accidentally call his partner that to stir shit up. i can see seungmin saying it after talking with his partner about kinks and whatnot and he wants to drop hints thats what he likes but is really bad at hints so he just straight up calls them mommy lol am i projecting again maybe jisung is too much of a baby boy type in my head to imagine him saying it for menace reasons but i could see him doing it to try and get out of trouble. :P like he accidentally broke a thing or missed a date or something and "sorry mommy 🥺 oh oops~ i didnt mean to say that~" kind of a deal. jeongin might if he was really into it but too embarrassed to bring it up, i can see him calling his partner that to try and test the waters.

ok sorry for the very long message lol but like i said on your polls account, i have Opinions on this topic!!

BRO YOU CAN'T LEAVE THIS MANY WONDERFUL WORDS (twice!!) IN MY INBOX AND NOT CHOOSE AN EMOJI FOR YOURSELF 😭😭😭

HOW AM I GONNA TAG YOU IN THINGS!?

welp, since you came here from a place of science, I'm assigning you as 🥼 anon. for now.

please feel free to choose your own emoji! (if you're going to come back with more thoughts, which I hope you are, because we are conducting some Very Important Science here and I like the way you words.)

for those that don't follow the science blog or just love cross referencing like I do, the science we're talking about can be found here and here.

Binnie accidentally calling you mommy... yeah, I totally see that.

especially those times when you're taking care of him- when his eyes are closed and his face scrunched up in pleasure because you're edging him with your hands, or a vibrator... or maybe you're giving him a stellar blow job? or maybe you're on top, and he's tied to the bed and just getting so lost in the pleasure that it... slips out.

"mommy."

yeah, that's a scenario that's gonna be living in my mind for a few days. no rent, no utilities. heck, it can even sleep in my bed. Binnie in my bed, now that is the dream.

if anyone wants to chip in with how they'd respond to Changbin calling you mommy, I'd love to hear about it.

oh wow, the idea of Chan having a shagging script in his head is both hilarious and mildly depressing 😂 I LOVE IT.

I definitely see what you're saying there- I feel like you'd have to know him really well AND really work him up AND be in a long term romantic tangle to get him to slip off script, as it were.

(sorry one night stands, he's sticking to the script for you. but hey, you're still getting the full perfomance so you can't complain too much, right?)

when he does get truly lost in the sauce and starts improvising (I am really running with the script metaphor, can you tell I love it?) I think rather than calling you mommy... well.

*checks personal bias, consults the fandom, peruses the polls* let's just say it's a different kink that spills out.

Minho doesn't make mistakes.

Minho is a perfectionist menace who likes making you squirm, and will for sure say it "accidentally" if he knows it'll get under you skin. and if he knows you're into it, I feel like he's going to abuse this power outside of the bedroom. "accidentally", of course.

like whenyou're out at kbbq with the rest of skz, and they are having an argument a *passionate* discussion, and Minho ends whatever 4D statement that wa zooming through his brain he'll end it with the iconic "I know you know Lee Know".

and then grin at you with glorious faux-innocent innocence and add: "mommy knows too~"

Sex with Hyunjin is a serious affair.

omg having an affair with hyunjin, now there's an idea, that's gotta be some ride or die burn the word tragic angst romance for sure goddamn it pixie now is not the time for more ideas CONCENTRATE WOMAN

mood lighting, candles, music, wine, silk sheets... yeah. Hyunjin doesn't fuck around when he's fucking around.

oh dear that was weak I must be dehydrated or tired or something, note to self take better care of the flesh prison so that the brain words properly.

yes, sex with Hyunjin is planned out (not in the perfectionist-with-a-script Chan way). in a no distractions, "I'm gonna love you until the world ends", this-is-our-bubble-of-romance-and-no-one-else-can-touch-us kinda way.

even when he's so far gone that he wouldn't notice a literal elephant in the room, he's too focused on you and your pleasure (and yeah, his too eventually, but he gets off on getting you off so 💁‍♀️) to say any words that aren't basically him offering you prayers of worship.

oh god more bad wording on my part I really should try sleep more but if I don't finish answering this now it's gonna get lost in my drafts and I won't answer it until 🥼 anon ins't checking in to see if I've replied and it will just be a terrible time what is punctuation again I forget

I'm sorry if the rest of this seems rushed, I'm running out of brain batteries. I should research super energy foods and recipies or something. does anyone have any suggestions?

Jeongin being too shy to say it AND being worried about his partner babying him/putting him in the maknae box is a vibe I can 100% get behind. maybe if his partner brings it up as a kink they have he can get into it, but even if it's something he really wants there's no way in hell he's admitting it.

you know what else I can get behind?

FELIX BEING A MENACE.

LOOK AT HIM.

LOOK AT HIM.

A MENACE.

HE'S MADE OF MISCHIEF AND PIXIE DUST AND >:)

and not only would he "accidentally" call you mommy to rile you up, he'd do it in that voice. you know the one. the one so deep you can feel it in your guts.

Seungmin getting frustrated that you're not picking up on his hints so just straight up calls you mommy is a VIBE and I'm here for it. This is another one I feel would happen outside the bedroom before making it to the actual sheets.

like you're passing him a glass of orange juice and he takes it, looks you dead in the eye, and says "thanks mommy" completely deadpan.

he's got such a good poker face you're not going to be able to tell if he's joking, and while you're error 404'ing he's going to be watching your reactions like a hawk to gauge your response.

oh, and if you're into it he's totally gonna abuse it in the bedroom.

BABY👏 BOY👏 JISUNG👏

I don't know if you've read any of the filth things I've written with kiwi anon and lollipop anon, but baby boy Jisung using his boba eyes and squishy cute subby adorableness to abuse his mommy privileges is basically the backbone of this blog.

maybe this is the origin story- him saying it accidentally to get out of trouble. and it worked. and now it's a problem.

how are you gonna say no to these boba eyes?

and now you're facing that plus 🥺"mommy?"

yeah.

no.

I'm a strong willed woman but the way I would crumble if he called me mommy and then looked at me like this:

rip my spine from my body and call me an earthworm, he is getting whatever he wants, whenever he wants it, the amount of crimes I would commit for this man is concerning. not even in a sexual way, I would happily cause a world of chaos just to make him smile.

okay, we're getting into "would you love me if I was a worm" territory, (yes Hannie ofc I would), so I'm gonna log off for a bit now.

I'll answer your second ask as soon as I can :)

(🥝🍭🥞🦇 I've read all of your messages (multiple times), answers are coming I promise)

[paingoes]

Hi there! *holds out the microphone*

6 - What character or characters are your favorite to turn into caretakers in your writing?

20 - What was the first fandom you wrote whump for?

25 - What advice or wisdom would you like to share with other whump writers?

*taps microphone*

hmmm so those first two are more about fandom whump, which i have less experience with! ive never written fandom whump directly i think? at least not in recent memory. but there are certainly archetypes that i am drawn to and fantasize about when in new fandoms

my favorite characters to turn into caretakers depends a lot on the context and what pre-existing dynamics are there, but one consistent trope i like is nonhuman caretakers! i like scary and intimidating characters who everyone is afraid

of going out of their way to help and protect someone who cant take care of themselves. villain caretakers are also gold for that reason. tsundere. and so on.

(the caretakers i write for destroyer are very doting and sweet and friendly but thats because like. delta is three apples tall he needs a lot of gentleness and i kinda just want to spoil him)

again i didn’t actually write whump for it but i swear like the first fandom i remember fantasizing about whump with was uhhh. like gen 1 mlp and associated 80s/90s cartoons. this is kinda embarrassing wait.

i dont know if im qualified to give advice besides like. make sure youre having a good time? dont torture yourself over it and dont get obsessive and dont get discouraged. take breaks if you need to. make sure its still in service to you and not the other way around

also. for the love of god. narrow your scope.*

*i can elaborate on the narrowing the scope thing right now and i worry about coming across too mean so reminder that this is just my opinion but…. i personally get a migraine when im asked to remember any more than like 4-5 core characters. like you can make as many OCs as you want but i think if you are interested in writing a story, starting with a laundry list of 50+ characters in a white void is the wrong way to go about it. i think that kind of thing is good for art and good for like, fighting games, but its super overwhelming to new readers and i personally do not have the kind of autism that lets me keep track of or care about them. also from a creator standpoint it just seems like thats a lot to juggle. cut everything down to a core cast and introduce them gradually and show what makes them interesting.

but again this is just my opinion and it seems like some people can juggle all 50 of their OCs as well as all of their friends OCs. so maybe its just a difference in taste.

thank youuuuu ;D

[presidentkamala]

New Year's resolutions blogging

POSITIVE GOALS: Trying to make these more measured & achievable in a chill way. Like my marker for "achievement" in the new year is below the earth's surface lmao. Im trying not to be too ambitious with most goals but still feel like im making progress, and im specifically trying for goals that will get me offline and that are abt improving my focus and spending time doing deep work

practice and improve my cursive by the end of 2025: create a writing sample on jan 1st, target regular practice for at least 30 minutes 4 times a week, and then recreate the writing sample quarterly

Journal weekly. Goal is 52 entries minimum by the end of the year

Learn to draw a bird (lol). Either take a (free!!) class or check out an audobon to practice. Pick a bird and draw it in the start of the year, and quarterly. Be able to draw one from a few different angles. Bonus points for color

Exercise: this ones tricky because i either go super hard or do nothing and now im too OLD to treat my joints this way. I guess the idea is to get SOME form of physical activity every day for 30 minutes that ISNT walking bc i already average abt 4 miles a day all told and i could just walk forever once i get started. At first I was like. Ok maybe i should commit to the bar method or lifting or doing a c25k program, but honestly thee minute i lock in for more than a week i start getting frustrated & bored lmao. Classpass?? But that means WAY too much active management & planning on my end. Maybe 75 soft???? Except i would definitely tweak it if i do it.

Complete a single, long term volunteering project. More to come on this im thinking less of organizing and more of like a more engaged involvement with a local initiative or something. Either Immigration or Reproductive Health (por que no los dos but im trying to goal set REALISTICALLY lmaoo)

NEGATIVE GOALS: so I have 5 goals i want to dedicate my time to which means that time is going to have to come from somewhere. These are things i have GOTT to stop doing:

SCREENTIME SCREENTIME SCREENTIME.....its embarrassing. Its atrocious. My daily screentime is nearly all the time im awake, bc i keep putting on youtube vids to keep me company or using youtube to listen to music or im at work or im watching tv. Im not even really on any other socials im literally just.....trying to stay distracted so i dont have to be with my own thoughts for any amt of time bc (tmi incoming) if i spend more than 5 minutes in silence i burst into tears lol. Anyway the goal here is to give myself a 3 hr limit for youtube and tv per weekday (i know i know but i have a 2 hr round trip commute to work and a lunch hr thrown in there). This doesnt include audiobooks, workout vids, or music/podcasts

NO MORE APPS. I have moved past the need for apps. NO more doordash, no more Uber. Im going to just freaking call ahead to the taxi company if i need to get to the airport. When i travel for work im good w a rented car and when i travel for fun i am RARELY doing anything that isnt available via public transit/walking. This just for moral and financial reasons has to be cold turkey. Im doordashing like an insane person recently and even though i always tip generously i just need to refocus on my intake.

NEWS: this ones tricky bc i keep going back and forth w myself. Do I risk being less informed if Im not keeping tabs on what are sure to be pretty horrific and impactful headlines? But then its like, unless im actively involved with a group or org that's gearing to take a certain policy on, do i NEED to hear about every unhinged tweet or intention from trump??? Could I be better served paying more attention to how my state & local gov are impacted, or on the nature of the actual legislation that passes??? If Trump DOES gut the civil service, do EYE, an 8 year federal worker with a pretty good understanding about the various agencies and departments, need to hear exactly about how bad things will be? Like i guess its like. Is looking away a capitulation? Is forcing myself to take in this stuff and re-open the wounds of horribleness count as bearing witness in a meaningful way. Im reading abt the german resistance and even without top of the minute instantaneous posts abt every fresh demonic as hell genocidal thing hitler was doing they were able to organize and plan a response different place and time but like????? I just need a plan for how to interact w media moving forward.

SODA. Goodbye, forever. Its such a bad habit but i AM. A beverage drinker if nothing else but im getting OFF this year on GOD. except for olipop/poppi which eye knowwww isnt that much better but they DO have fiber at least so theres that. No soda but yes to occasional juices coconut water herbal teas and ofc flavored carbonated water.

HERMITIZING. i caNNOT keep not seeing any friends or ppl not blood related to me for days and days. No spending 7 days straight or more without seeing or hanging out irl with a friend or friends. No matter what. Its making me too WEIRD and FRAGILE.

[justlet-melive]

here’s a question :3 uh do you have like any favourite anatomy or reference books/texts. or any tips for doing study’s??

sorry if this is like annoying or weird idk i’ve just been a little obsessed with your art lately. the way you capture shape and movement is so fantastic. you have such a talent for capturing characters personality through visual quirks too. idk like the way you draw ellie tlou is so specific. it’s not exactly on model but it’s kind of better lol. i can instantly tell most of what you need to know about her. same with your recent astarions like idk you’ve just managed to capture a real physicality about him that i think can be hard. idk i’m maybe biased but i think without any exposure to the game you could probably guess how he moves and sounds from your art.

idk uh sorry if this is worded weird i feel like i always do that LOL okay though anyways i adore your art it’s just so distinct. i’d eat it if i could. i’d honestly do a lot to capture even a fraction of the magic you’re creating. okay hope this message finds you well BYE

no need to feel self conscious about doing me a kindness in the form of gratifying to read, thoughtful observations of my fanart!!!!

thank you. very late response because i wanted to respond with some equally thoughtful advice and also let my ego calm down a bit, but..

im 'lazy' and like to keep drawing for fun as easy as possible. So i dont have any reference books hm... You obviously look at art and are able to relay to yourself and others what you saw and felt. thats the skill you should always indulge. looking at all kinds of things youre drawn to and observing why. best ref! (thanks again btw, best feeling being on the receiving end of that. to be... astarion voice: Seen in the Eyes of Another)

I have studied (and continue to do so when i get the chance) figure drawing at my community college, which was a big leap. i ended up focusing a lot on the relationship between the ribcage/pelvis/flow of the spine at that time. still my favorite part of drawing lol. During my most recent artblock i started copying muscle anatomy pages from a Morpho book as a way to keep drawing without a proper fixation. which is great because i also love the weight of flesh :^D

if you'd like my 'woo-woo advice' it's to get lost in the process and less invested in the results. and never be embarrassed. it'll keep you drawing (behind every piece of successful fanart is a mountain of scrap drawings of Fictional Guy #2378 facing 3/4 left.) and its meditative!! cathartic? personally i like to have a song/playlist to keep up the emotion im trying to work out going throughout my drawing session. helps me tell if the expression im drawing feels 'right'

and on the topic of drawing off model--!! Anytime im onto a new character i do spend a few sessions tracing their proportions/copying their models. after i figure out more or less what about their original design makes that Character i like to lose the training wheels. artistic interpretation is more interesting for me to look at and create. and i think it frees you up to better convey a feeling. the more you draw something the more you settle into 'what works' but i never set out to draw the same way twice! usually never anyway

thank you again for taking time to observe my drawings, and relaying back what you saw and felt. it honestly makes my day(s) to the point i almost feel guilty about it

[ritzcuit]

the idea of a "soj rewrite" is less interesting to me than it used to be, bc i feel like it's too mean, like, soj is Fine, like it has its problems but the critique is disproportionate. HOOWEVER. If i were to do one. it would be entirely apollo-centric. phoenix would have been taken out back and shot. so would 6-2. well 6-2 can become the dlc case. and the dlc case can become aa7. 6-4 can stay its funny

But like... apollo mc needs to be it. it's entirely apollos story. it's cuuuute. imagine it. apollo's like. mr wright asked me to visit his friend, mystic maya, in his stead. he couldn't come, because he had to be there for trucy's big show. i REALLY don't want to be here... but i couldn't tell mr. wright why. so here i am.... i'll just keep my head down and not get into any trouble (immediately gets into trouble

i dont even rly know what 6-2 would be replaced with. something, i imagine, NELKNDKLFNGD but keeping it in khura'in allows for yuty growth and the pacing to not be entirely shoved in 6-5... And there's more hints about apollo being familiar with khura'in until 6-3 when he sees datz and its like "surprise Apollo Was Raised Here"

maya getting accused of murder and apollo has to defend her and she's like haha oh nick would get a kick outta this!! you know the first time we met was, and she talks about how embarrassing her Little Brother was, and its cuuuuute like #letthemhangout

of course, losing phoenix means we lose the "cutie datz infodumps about the sahdmadhi family to phoenix" moments bc datz doesn't., need to explain that to apollo, but we can replace it with "cutie datz 'rememberwhens' to apollo" moments. Yeah sorry this is all just a ploy to have datz and apollo talk more often. liek omg...unky datz

also naturally datz still knocks apollo out in the sewers and drags him to the hideout. it's liek. AH STRANGER (KATONK) OH. AJ MY BOY SPEAK TO ME...!!! But maybe he even still tries to pull the "i'm ditching the defiant dragons ive given up yuppppp its all over im sellin' dhurke out" thing, and apollo calls him out on it... it's a perceive thing, but tbh apollo doesn't even need to perceive him bc he knows just how loyal datz is anyway :///LMAO

it's a test for "making sure you haven't lost the will o' the dragon, the way yuty has"... Like cry cry cry it'd be so cute stoppp. maybe they'd even investigate a scene together. Or datz is going on about how excited dhurke's gonna be to see him again... I dont even know what else in the game would happen. i dont care

[captainportgasdace]

okay im writing to u as anon cuz this shi kinda embarrassing but like.. RAH IDK WHERE TI START okay so like i've been MEGA hyperfixated/in love with this character since like february but yk ive been liking them for almost 2 yrs. they are my comfort character and i love them with all my heart, in every possible way. idk how to be all sappy and shi I LOVE THIS CHARACTER A LOT. i recently started using tiktok in july-ish? and uploaded tiktoks of my art of this character and js shit posts about them hoping to maybe go a lil famous or gain a community where we can all be delulu together? idk.. but anyways there are a LOT of other people who love this character too. and idk it actually makes me JEALOUS to see them making the same content and getting more comments, likes, etc. it's over a fictional character but i just feel so possessive. overtime, i realized that i stopped focusing on the character and more so the content i post on tiktok. i dont know why, and i miss the days where said character would actually be the light of my day. they are but i feel like i dont show it enough.. i miss when i'd get that giddy feeling in my heart thinking of them, when i'd write 4 chapters IN ONE SITTING of my fanfic with ME as the self insert interacting with the character, when they'd always be on my mind and nothing else. this prob sounds unhealthy asf but it feels worse to see other people saying this character is "theirs" and i just dont know bruh i dont wanna say maybe this hyperfixation is over cuz i find myself doodling them in class and making scenarios but it just doesnt feel the same i want that feeling back i love this character sm and maybe its me because there's one specific account that posts more than me about this character, that has more followers and supporters saying "yeah this character is yours!!" and allat and idk why its a fictional character but i just wanna cry idk why IK ITS NOT A BIG DEAL HELP 😭 idk maybe tiktok ruined it for me cuz i still had my massive, heart fluttering, butterfly giving crush when i used tumblr.. AND IDK I STILL WANNA USE TIKTOK but i js know ill never be as popular and no one will agree that this character is mine and js i miss how it used to be

OMG Okay first, I’m happy you trust me to share this ❤️

Then, DON’T FEEL BAD because somehow I feel the same? And idk if it’s bad but I do get jealous and possessive and I feel like I never bond with other Ace fans, for exemple? Except on tumblr, I really did found my community here and I do love to share everything Ace with the other Ace fans but on twitter (x)? I never did and I saw Ace fans on tiktok and felt…intimidated? 🥺 And it somehow made me feel bad because I was like well, he’s a popular character he’s not yours but still… and when I was at the convention I was like "oh, this person is a bigger fan than me, probably" and it makes me sad AND IDK WHYYY 😭

So I have decided to stay on tumblr. Because Ave fans here are absolutely lovely, I never felt like anyone tried to make someone feel like they’re less of a fan because blablabla, no, we’re just all being delulu together and I love that.

I think what we can learn from this is, sometimes social networks put a pressure on us and we should just stick to the one that makes us feel good and welcome? ❤️

[blueguydraws]

Russia, Israel and sharks

During history classes i think we all were thinking just how could have people been so cruel and dumb back in the day, salting the land, burning towns on the enemies land, targetting people based on the association of ethnicity. And everyone in the classroom was relieved how lucky it is that we are not that backwards anymore in the civilised world and age. We were also shocked how could everyone have gone mad and how the world turned upisde down during the 40 all over europe and asia. It must have been the genious manipulation of propaganda.

But no, we have to admit sadly that they didnt had to do much if anything, most people simply are just like that, they barely need a push to sucumb to that way of thinking, it doesnt take years of propaganda, but about 5 minutes of news.

A few months ago a man in egypt was eaten by a shark, the video is quiet disturbing, but then it came out that he was russian, living in egypt for about 4 years. And twitter immediately become full with such tweets:

And hundreds of extremely distastefull and sadistic comments celebrating this. If someone questioned them, they just wrote how many ukrainian died in the war if they even responded something coherent. When questioned what did he had to do with any of that, the best they could say is that well russians are evil annyway and he propably supported putin too. Its good that there is one less of them.

War footages were also all over social media, i saw a few where they put loony toons sound effects over deaths, of course bright text made it clear that those were russian soldiers (othervise no one could even tell) and you can have the luxury of laughing at it guilt free instead of virtously clutching your pearls. The ones where someone got bombed while taking a piss or sleeping got particularly many likes and retweets.

Acthual unga bunga bronze age mindset.

Collective punishment and gladiator games, things we tought we abandoned centuries ago, but it didnt even took anything for peole to immediately re embrace it with open arms.

At this point we have to admit that the reason for this is that its just simply part of human nature (not that) deep down. Wich makes sense after all. Humans have been existing for about 300 000 years, but we had our current socially acceptable moral system for about a hundred. Playing civilisation for a few centuries arent gonna be enough to weed out the instinctual cavemen out of us. Wich reminded me to this song by MARINA, "savages", it hit the nail on the head perfectly:

And while maybe war footage is not being shared here, this kind of behavior is definitely not absent from tumblr either.

By the way, talking about ukrain and russia, what do you even know about them? What is the diference between the two? The average internet activist couldnt have been able to point it out on a map before the war. Arent all the news regarding ukrain were talking about how the far right is on the rise in there? But suddenly it become my little UwU ukrain once the war started. My point is that for the avegare person around the world the only diference between the two nation is that one happened to attack the other not the other way around. If history would have went a bit diferently, now you all were laughing at the death of those same poor ukrainian soldiers.

I saw once a tweet made by a guy who just found out that many ukrainians, especially in the army, are deeply religious, and the country is very conservative, and said that he isnt sure he can fully support them anymore lmao.

It was also very cringe how everyone who didnt even heard about Zelensky before started to simp for a random middle eastern politican and made heroic edits about him for the sole virtue of getting attacked, its embarrassing at best.

Did you knew that he was in the panama papers by the way?

And now again with the conflict between israel, palestine and hamas. People just cant behave civilised.

I dont know what is so hard about simply having multiple opinions at the same time, you can easily agree that Palestine should be freed from Israel's influence while also condemning HAMAS.

Many people have been taking off their masks and it often comes from the most suprising groups.

I couldnt have belived that the time comes when people here will support a far right religious fundamentalist terror group.

"but yoU CAnT TelL tHE oprEsSed How REbeLL" I heard many times by now

Yes i can, for example rape, mowing down civilians and parading their bodies like trophies are simply just not part of any military operation and you shouldnt do it, idk why it is a controverial opinion currently.

Also do you think all the extremist groups in the middle east wouldnt want to kill all the jews annyway even if Israel would have been nice? Or you for that matter since i assume the average person reading this isnt a beliver.

The average liberal person with "they/them, ACAB, UwU" in their bio the second there is an armed conflict:

[sieglinde-freud]

for the ask game: 2, 4, 5, 9, 17, 24, 29, 35

OOHHH THIS GONNA BE LONG under cut immediately

2. Least favorite main title?

i think this may upset some people but just of the games that i have finished (i havent played or finished every single fire emblem game… i know i know bad fan shut up) it’s prooobably fe7??? not because it’s bad. i do love that game. i just love it the least of every other game i played? i love all three of the lords a lot!! theyre just not my super favorites. i like the story fine, just not as much as other games. the gameplay is alright, but i dont think it’s anything to write home about. it’s a perfectly average fire emblem game all across the board i think. and that’s probably why i dont think about it too much? though, admittedly, ive only played through it fully once and that was like. five years ago? i could give it another run. i never did try hector hard mode, tbf… also huge shoutout to my lovelies sain and serra i love them so much…

4. What games do you wish to play next?

i dont know how often i mentioned it but i had a computer a while ago that just stopped working. like completely. the hardware is fine it just stopped functioning properly and ive taken it to literally every tech place and handed it to every computer junkie friend i have and nothing can fix it. and very unfortunately, it broke while i was in the middle of playing path of radiance. i dont really have anything else i can emulate it on right now, but if i could it’d be that. and of course, radiant dawn right after :)

5. What games would you reccomend to someone new?

toss up between 7, 8, and 13. they all have their strengths and weaknesses as entry points, but theyre all fairly simple in difficulty, and 7 and 13 were entry points for a lot of people who still love the game today, so theyre pretty easy to reccomend. 7 and 8 are easily accessible being able to emulate on like. most things?? even iphones with little hassle. 13 was also, up until very recently, very easy to grab off the eshop. i guess if someone asked me now compared to last year maybe i wouldnt say 13 for that reason? idk. 16* is also an option though, if only because it’s on the switch and while fairly different from the main fire emblem formula, it is VERY good at grabbing attention. im biased because i have used it to drag a friend into fire emblem hell so. i know it works. personally i’d probably go 7/13, 8, 16*, {the rest} but yeah. those four. move awakening down if hardware is an issue.

9. Least favorite character?

IN THE WHOLE SERIES??????? man… i dont know i dont really dislike a whole lot of characters? i guess the first one that comes to mind is gilbert three houses?? i understand why hes like that for sure and can sympathize but i dont know. everytime that hes on screen i just frustrated. the fact that he treats annette the way that he does bothers me a lot even if i understand why, but then theres also the added fact that he only becomes story relevant to replace dedue, who was a MUCH better and far less ANNOYING character to listen to all the time. like why would you replace one of my favorite students/retainers with this stupid little old man who i really have no reason to be attached to? you cant even recruit him during white clouds! not to mention, hes force deployed with the most garbage base stats (THAT YOU CANT CHANGE. BECAUSE. HE WASNT RECRUITABLE IN WHITE CLOUDS!!) in one of the hardest maps in the whole game in a position you CANNOT EDIT. like just GIVE ME DEDUE??????? you know, the CHARACTER I TRAINED??????? god… anyways so its probably him. this felt good actually i dislike him much more than i thought i did.

17. How did you get into Fire Emblem?

this is really embarrassing actually but when i was younger i was really into kid icarus uprising (i still am but like less so) and i reeeally loved pit like you see me with inigo now? that was pit for me back then. and i wanted more of him but nintendo was not giving me any kid icarus content, so what i looked up his voice actor instead, and i went through a lot of medias just to listen to him (did you know antony del rio did this live performance of maroon 5’s “This Love” that’s actually way better than the original? look it up) (no i dont like adam levine) but the one that stuck the most was this silly little game… you mightve heard of it its called Fire Emblem Fates. and i saw silas fire emblem and i was like WOAHHH. HES CUTE and did a ton of research on the series, having only vaguely known of it from smash bros. bought birthright, having learned it was the easier of the two paths, and then i just. entire life changed immediately and i didnt even know.

24. An FE title you wish would be remade?

all of them in order, which is what they already seem to be doing! so, ideally, fe4 next? of course my bias would LOVE an awakening remake but i dont think thats fair to skip all the other games. plus, i think there are other games that need a gameplay overhaul more. …like fe4.

29. Avatars: yay or nay?

i cant fucking stand the concept of avatars in fire emblem. i like all of them as characters. i think robin, corrin, byleth, and alear as characters (i havent played shadow dragon and new mystery sorry kris!) are fine. but i hate how theyre all implemented into all of their games, to the point where the words “byleth” and “alear” are never spoken in their mostly fully voiced games. its so fucking stupid. and then you have writing problems, like other playable characters not being able to have meaningful and lasting conflicts with the avatars because you have to be able to fuck them when the games over, or even during the game in robin and corrins case. and also the weird incest that has to happen if you want your avatar to have familial ties? god forbid people who just think camilla or ryoma are hot have to justify incest to themselves and read some the dumbest fucking s support bullshit just to have their little otome romance. and then the plot bending around them? robin i give a pass because i dont think awakening was annoyingly centered on them (the grima thing was close but for the most part the focus stays on chrom and i think thats a good thing) but as much as i love these games, fates, three houses, and engage all suffer from being a little TOO player pandering. making your character a god? really? especially when the avatar takes focus away from other potential story drivers (xander/takumi, 3h lords, engage royals) and like for what? i like all of the “avatars” as characters. but the way that theyre used and what little that usage does for any positive story impact is just frustrating!

35. What’s something you wish Intsys would just stop doing?

avatars.

[rascalrussell]

3/13/25

hey girls its me again! always back on some shit whenever i come back to tumblr. right now im doing alright, but we started working on my issues with food in therapy recently and everything has completely taken off. i've started really engaging with disordered eating habits (too big to have an eating disorder lol anyways...). ive been fasting for around 24hrs 4-5 days a week and eating less than 1,000cal per day except on weekends really. lately ive been really aiming for ~500cal a day during the week. there isnt much i can do about the weekends, my gf makes me eat and like i love her and cant let her worry about this too. my job helps me a lot, i dont get a break and i dont like eating there. i feel like everyone is staring at me and like im too big to be eating lunch while working. sometimes ill bring some popcorn or an applesauce pouch, maybe a protein shake if im feeling generous to myself. i dont know what is up lately, i know it's because we did a float back to like prepare and gather memories for emdr and to have targets to reprocess. but with this sh is like my ed's best fucking friend, like when the scale goes up it makes me want to sh so fucking bad,,, monday this week was awful, i thought i was going to kms but hey im still here LOL. since starting my job in august i lost about 15lbs just naturally without really watching anything i ate but since January its been on my mind a ton. i started wellbutrin again and it with my adderall i usually dont feel hungry at all which isnt great from a meds standpoint but great for my ed. even then i usually dont feel hungry all that often, usually just between 6-8pm which is around the time i eat most days. today i felt a little dizzy when i stood up while working, and my vision got a hair blurry for half a second and it was so addicting and like exhilarating. i unfortunately, have fucked up brain and i miss the times i passed out because i wasnt eating, it always made me feel so good about myself and like what i was doing. i havent noticed any changes in my body though like whatsoever, like my body isnt reflecting what the scale has, im a little less bloated i guess but nothing else. i am a little scared to actually pass out at work, like especially when like im with my mid-day client because when he drops to the floor i have to hold both of his hands until he stands, and like standing still half bent makes my legs really fall asleep and then when i move i get a little dizzy. this client is just a huge risk, like when it comes to physical aggression and elopement, like he would hurt me or run away or destroy the building if given the chance. also how fucking embarrassing would it be to pass out at work at my big fucking age—i would feel like a stupid middleschooler. speaking of which, thats half the reason i havent sh'ed yet, because it feels so juvenile which is CRAZY like cutting myself reminds me of being a kid for fucks sake...but also i can hide/get away with eating less for longer, there isnt marks or pain in the same way (like the pain but dont like showers or like when my pants stick to my scabs). so yeah, i can do this and hide it from my gf mostly, i really only care about her.

anyways for the grand reveal of my weights from the past few weeks:

2/25/25 - 200lbs

3/5/25 - 196.7lbs

3/13/25 - 192.8lbs

[walking-loather]

im so mad but meditation works. I kept being told to do mindfulness and meditation in therapy and i fucking hated it bc of how i was taught. But i just had to learn to do it differently and in a way that worked for me.

For me mindfulness is engaging in sensory seeking behaviour and completely dialing in and focusing on it and how it feels. Its trying to ground myself bc im chronically dissociated.

I was taught that meditation meant setting aside 15 mins a day and listening to the same fucking audio track. I loathed it. I never did it. It was so fucking boring and it was hard and i didnt want to do it.

But now i do it every day. Sometimes multiple times. And it helps.

I started for a stupid reason. I was getting super into star wars and i thought it was cool that the jedi meditated and i was like: i wonder if i can do that. They seem zen, i want to be zen.

So i started with just closing my eyes and doing some deep breathing and repeating a short mantra in my head. Like.... Less than a minute at a time. Its a bit embarrassing but i stole the mantra from the jedi code bc it was just an easy jumping off point. Id do a slightly altered version:

I will not focus on emotions, i will seek peace. I will not focus on ignorance, i will seek knowledge. I will not focus on passion, i will seek serenity. I will not focus on chaos, i will seek harmony.

Just. Repeated that a few times in my head while breathing slowly. And then id be done. And then over time, ive just naturally ended up doing it longer. I stop the moment i feel like stopping. I dont force myself to do it for a certain amount of time.

If i have to force myself to do something, then i will start hating it. But having a blasé attitude and just engaging in it for as long as i want? Thats easy. Once i get bored of it, i stop.

But now when i take a moment to be mindful, or i take a moment to meditate, im finding that i can easily do it for upwards of 20 mins.

I havent been meditating for long enough that i can "clear my mind" or whatever, or stop thinking. Im always thinking. So repeating a mantra helps. Its something to consciously focus on. But sometimes i dont do that. Sometimes i just let my mind wander and daydream. But if i do that, i also like to just take a few moments to try and center myself first.

Its worked wonders. I feel better. I feel so much more content, and so much more at peace. Because i do it randomly: like when im in a beautiful place, or when im feeling relaxed, or while im doing something that feels pleasant -- it means that when i get upset and stressed, im able to instantly reach for meditation as my first skill.

I got really stressed and worked up. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Maybe 15 seconds. Instantly felt better. Was it massively better? No. But it brought me back from a place of panic. Even if it was just 5%. It made me realise that i dont have control over certain things, but what i do have control over in that moment is myself.

Dont get me wrong. Ive still had a massive breakdown, and really bad stress episodes. But i was able to stop myself from having one bad moment, and i was able to reduce my amount of suffering for another two. Thats worth it to me.

Like, lets give some comparative numbers. Just like, me giving a random hypothetical.

Lets say that without meditation I would have had 5 stressful moments, subjectively i experienced this amount of unhappiness:

Caused 10/10 distress

Caused 5/10 distress

Caused 6/10 distress

Caused 3/10 distress

Caused 7/10 distress

Then lets say that i experienced the same situations but I had meditation in my toolkit, it would look like this.

Started at 10/10. Meditation didnt help.

Started at 5/10. Meditation brought it down to 4/10

Started at 6/10. Meditation brought it down to 4/10.

Started at 3/10. Meditation brought it down to 0/10

Started at 7/10. Meditation brought it down to 6.5/10

Like... Thats enough for me. I experienced less suffering. Instead of having a week with a 62% angst score, I had a week with 49%. Thats a significant decrease to me. Thats worth it in my opinion.

I wish i had found this way of doing things sooner, but im also just happy i found it at all.

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde

Act 6, page 5462-5466

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering undyingUmbrage [uu]

TG: psst hey calliopes bro

TG: i got

TG: a secret message 4 u

TG: it is

TG: ehehm

TG: CALLIOPE

TG: ....

TG: sooooooooo

TG: did that work

TG: calliope calliope calliope

TG: is 3 times the charm

TG: come onnnnn

TG: wake up sleepy head!

TG: le

TG: SIGN

TG: maybe youre just afk?

TG: i hope ur dumb POS brother doesnt end up reading this instead

TG: man i wish you would wake up

TG: rly wanna talk to a friend about everything that just happened

TG: i mean another friend who is not part and parcel to my 3 bffs ridorkulous nonsense

TG: guess ill just give u the scoop on the haps for whenever you wake up

TG: so yeah we all finally entered our game

TG: i think i was being the worst kind of turd 4 opposing the idea so long

TG: guess i thought i was being noble

TG: like sacrificing something that was important and we all wanted anyways just so i could fuck with the witch and her plans

TG: but i dunno what i was thinking

TG: cause this shit here is p great i have got to say

TG: now we are all of the sudden in this crazy place full of pretty green hills and a black empty sky

TG: i never actually seen anything like plants growin or a country side

TG: its so peaceful and quiet here

TG: i mean the racket my loudmouth pals are makin notwithstanding

TG: we are just chilling at jakes old broken house on a mountain figuring what to do

TG: lol this all happened so fuckin fast!

TG: i cant believe were all together like this suddenly

TG: just

TG: hangin out

TG: in actual person

TG: in our moon jammies

TG: this is better than i ever thought it would be in the silliest and stupidest way

TG: it feels so surreal and amazing just being here with my friends

TG: im still not even sure how this all came together

TG: mostly a lotta machiavellian/heroic XTREME STRIDER BULLSHIT

TG: like i was under attack there

TG: my colony was burning

TG: and i remember dying

TG: and i think jane must have died too?

TG: she was on derse but i have no idea how she got there

TG: i dunno if jake died too or what

TG: all i know is ppl were just dying their asses off left and right

TG: the b line is we were all in some shit

TG: dirk i think must have killed himself and like shipped his own head to jake on makeout mountain

TG: but dirk also kissed me it would seem

TG: while i was too dead to notice UNFORTUNATELY :c

TG: but then i woke up on derse which was gettin worked over by the red shit too

TG: and there jane was

TG: all lyin there bloodily and heart breakingly and probably dead

TG: so

TG: i knew i had to kiss her

TG: but

TG: god i feel so pathetic but i just couldnt do it for some reason?

TG: i wanted to but i guess the blood grossed me out and im a total disgrace of a friend

TG: i dont think ill tell her because its too embarrassing

TG: then dirk wakes up and kicks my squeamish butt out the way and kisses her even in spite of his superhuman gayness because he sucks less as a hero

TG: and then were blasting off suddenly on his fuckin rocket and i dont even KNOW whats happening but its all so awesome and we scoot by somewhere and pick jane up in her yellow dress and now SHES flying with us screamin the whole time hahahaha

TG: and then we get to jakes place and shit everywhere is on fire and hes asleep there so dirk splashes him with a bucket of ocean and tells me and jane to hide??

TG: so we do and jake wakes up and starts arguing with dirks gross head from the fucking future and climbs up on this stone wall for some reason and just starts making out with the head while the volcano explodes???

TG: jane and i are like what the absolute FUCK while dirks just there with his bucket all like 'yup'

TG: then we ollied out of that popsicle stand so now here we are

TG: wow

TG: that story is a goddamn mess

TG: what did i even just say

TG: i dunno

TG: ill try to make better sense of all this later

TG: i just wanted to tell you

TG: and thank you for all you did to bring us together like this

TG: it has meant so v much 2 me

TG: oh guess what i even have a new lightning bug pal!

TG: he is toties cute + friendly + blinky as all getout

TG: i think i will name him

TG: doctor blinkbottom

TG: no thats shit

TG: how about

TG: twinkly herbert

TG: lmfao that is kinda sucky too

TG: but i like it

TG: so i am a keep it

TG: herbert just blinked in total agreement omg what a friend

TG: ok calliope

TG: by which i mean.......

TG: CALLIOPE

TG: eh?

TG: ehhh???

TG: still nothin?

TG: k well i should go then

TG: my party is getting a lit bit rowdy over there

TG: oh my god what are they actually doing

TG: not even ten stinkin mins into our magic bestfriendquest and theyre already jacking up the drama

TG: need to flag down the dramambulance

TG: haul these fuckers away

TG: wow they are really being so absurd

TG: maybe its just cause im not tipsy atm but this shit is like hells of amateur hour to me r now

TG: maybe if i wasnt as sober as a nun gettin slapped by a librarian i wouldnt even notice?

TG: fa reals tho may i just say

TG: dying is a hell of a way to sober up quick

TG: got 2 remember that trick

TG: so hey wake up soon!!

TG: i will try again later

TG: must deal w some shit now

TG: urgh

TG: i think

TG: i could use a drink

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering undyingUmbrage [uu]

[namuneulbo]

week one hundred and nine

ive decided im gonna add the title bff to l for a bit now so its easier to tell apart my bff l from my talking stage l lol.

all i remember from monday was that n made me pick my fav trigun character. apparently im wolfwood lovercoded so she was happy i picked him.

tuesday was my high school grad! i wore a big white button-up as a dress w a black tie and my cowprint heels. i liked the outfit a lot!

the ceremony was wayyy longer than anticipated. afterwards my mom took some real awkward pictures of me. later we went for food, we were gonna get mexican but ended up going to this asian fusion place that turned out to be shit TT

we walked through some stores afterwards and then sat at a café for a bit before i had to leave to catch my piercing appointment. i got my right lobe and my belly pierced!! it hurt less than i expected it too which was nice. i got pretty anxious afterwards though bc i thought my ear would heal like shit bc of how close it seemed to the other piercing but its fine now lol.

wednesday we (me, i, bff l and c) hung at bass place and watched the annual president ball hand shaking thing. my old drum teacher was there??? i devoured some cucumber w dip and then i was nice enough to drive us to the music quiz. me and bff l ended up joining l and a. they played hash pipe by weezer right as we joined them which i got really excited ab!!!

i had an oral exam on thursday and i was so terrified ab it. me and d hadnt practiced beforehand but we ended up passing and i think our convo still ended up quite good. the criticism i received afterwards was ab how i said "이 아침" and "이 밤" instead of "오늘 아침" and "오늘 밤". its all good though, ended up getting an a on it so :D

friday i went to a second-hand shop to look for clothes but i had forgot that the one i went to doesnt sell clothes so i ended up looking and cds for a bit. i found born this way on cd and snapped l like "omg lol should i buy it?" but he didnt answer until i had left so i had just kind of left it behind bc i didnt think it was worth it but then later when he answered he was all like "OMG NOOO U SHOULDVE GOTTEN IT SO WE CAN MATCH" TT. so, on saturday when i went out to go thrifting, i stopped by that shop again and got it.

on friday evening me and l watched the perks of being a wallflower. i really liked it and the soundtrack was so good. its one of his favorite movies and i had either way been planning to watch it. he asked me actually last week if i wanted to watch it together w him but we ended up not doing it but i was glad he still remembered on friday.

btw we exchanged twitter on friday. i had to delete all my tweets ab him beforehand so ended up leaving him on delivered for like an hour TT sorry, pookie, im just embarrassed if u see all the tweets ab u of me going "HES SO HOT HE JUST SENT ME SUCH A CUTE PICTURE OF HIS OUTFIT OMG HES SO-."

after buying the cd on saturday i went to one other shop and there i got an anklet and a flannel. i wouldve gone to a third one but it was closed. i wouldve gone today instead buttttttt it closes so early. it closes and 4 pm and i woke up at 12 pm and spent a good... two hours (?) getting ready and the stores quite far away and its massive so i dont think id be able to look through it in time TT maybe im just making excuses.

l and i didnt really talk yesterday, only like... three snaps each and some tiktoks. he was out on bereal yesterday though so im assuming he was just busy and also its good to not,, feel like u constantly HAVE to talk to keep it going, yk? im working a lot on my anxious attachment and its actually gotten way better over just the past few weeks id say bc im starting to really feel like the feelings are thoroughly mutual. with that said... i do hope we talk more today lol. i love talking to him.

sotw: weezer - hash pipe