#or carmy having a freakout in the freezer because he fumbled it on his big night

[invisiblerambler]

This is a personal ramble so most of it is going to go underneath a cut, if you're really interested I guess keep reading

so something I can't stop thinking about is the way that my therapist whom I already really like and get along with has praised me for this resilience I have. like I am well aware based on most if not all of the experiences I have had I should not be where I am now, holding down a competitive internship, attending a rigorous graduate program, successfully moving across the country twice in two years to places where I had some but limited support.

I don't say that to brag no matter how it sounds, I say that because I have never felt like there was room for me to fail, or flail, or sink into my trauma in the ways I really wanted to sometimes. Somewhere along the way or maybe the entire time it felt drilled into me that I had to make meaning out of the things I had experienced.

That none of it was worth anything if I didn't make something of myself at the end of it. some of that was by necessity, I felt like I couldn't breathe staying in the midwest and I took the first ticket I had out of there, but I also have lived my entire life believing I was exceptional. Everyone, or nearly everyone in their own ways has told me that since I was old enough to understand the word.

There was never any room for anything else. It's nothing short of a miracle that I am in any way, functioning and well-adjusted, but sometimes I want to just scream and be like what if I wasn't, what if none of this happened, what if I dramatically fell on my face and engaged in every self-destructive behavior known to man.

I fight the urge to self-sabotage constantly lately, the failure I inflict being less potent than the failure that falls outside of my realm of control.

I know that the fact that I feel uncomfortable is because I am doing uncharted things, I am breaking generational curses or whatever, but sometimes, I don't want to be doing that, I don't want to be the bigger person, I don't want to be exceptional, I want to be ugly crying, snotty and taken care of by someone else.

I want to feel nurtured and taken care of and like I can let someone else do something without feeling like my heart is going to explode.

I always have it under control, even in the moments I don't I pretend I do until that's true again.

the thing I crave from the depth of my bones is nurturing. someone to take care of me when I'm sick and hold me while I'm coming down from a nightmare or sobbing through a flashback.

I'm tired of being high functioning and resilient, and well-adjusted, I want to be someone who isn't high achieving for exactly five minutes.

I want to scream at everyone and lash out and cry. I want to act in ways that aren't the socially acceptable way for women to absorb their own trauma into their bloodstream for just five minutes.

In February, I had something resembling a crisis of faith, if the faith in question was myself. I was struggling to see what I was doing in my grad program and if when it was all over I had the instincts to succeed.

Everyone was worried about me, and looking back they were right to do so, I was incredibly emotionally fragile. I asked for help where I could but a part of me just wanted someone to hold me. The persona of type a know it all had grown tired and I was revealing in real time how fragile the persona was. A part of me didn't care doesn't care, because the type a persona is so tired, played out, but the put together girl who also secretly is holding it together by a thread well now we've got a picture on our hands.

hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second, I wonder if the ambitions I have are really mine, if the drive I have is genuine or still me trying to make up for something.

Less and less do I believe it comes from anywhere other than inside of me, at least on my better days.

It feels like a greedy ask on top of everything else I have to beg the universe to send me a life partner. I just need someone I can be vulnerable around without feeling like my heart is going to come through my mouth.

I will not get where I want to go without help, and I want someone so badly who I can come home to at the end of the day and let them take care of it. I just want to be taken care of.