#or all of the above while screaming at me that im a parasite because i’ve been out of the world cause’ve my seizures

[anarchypumpkincowboy]

one day I will live somewhere where I’m never forced to bite my tongue when I’m deadnamed or misgendered or screamed at for things outside of my control. one day I will be free from all my family that does this. one day I won’t have to bite my cheek so hard it bleeds to keep tears at bay while they berate me for being human. one day

[ashby389]

Let’s get married when we turn 18

So angst tuesday is the theme here we go by the way again it’s a little long please bear with it I cried while writing this

Takemicchi stood in front of Mikey who was sitting on a pile of debris the first thing he noticed about him was how thin he was. Mikey wasn’t the same person he was when he left after defeating Valhalla. He looked resigned bags under his eyes and no light in his eyes. If Mikey is here where is S/O? They were inseparable “Never one without the other” as the quote goes. “Mikey......Have you been well”? he asked. Mikey stared at him there was something wrong the look in his eyes were off some how. “Yeah” was his only reply. Takemicchi started to feel overwhelmed and try as he might he felt the familiar burning behind his eyes. “I’m sorry” he blurted out. Trying to wipe the tears away so he didn’t make more of a fool of himself. “Still the same crybaby you never change huh” said Mikey. (I’m not trying to plagiarize so I’m tweaking a few of the word) Takemicchi looked up at Mikey again he was resting his chin on the palm of his hand with a smile on his face. Takemicchi grinned back at him he was happy to se that smile again. Mikey stood up and put his hands in his pockets he felt the cool metal of the gun he had in one of the pockets. “I brought you here because I need to ask you for a favor ”he said. This confused Takemicchi because normally Mikey either asked Draken or S/O to do things for him. Which again is the question Where is S/O. Naoto had no information on their where about for the last year. “A favor”? he asked. Mikey looked around with a sadder smile. “I brought S/O a couple of times to tell and show her things about Shinichiro it was nostalgic for a time. When we were young we fought we learned things laughed and cried together. That’s how Toman grew” he said with a closed eye smile. Takemicchi stared at Mikey with hope and a smile on his face. Mikey in his eyes was still the same there is no way he killed Mitsuya and the others. The Mikey of now is still the Mikey I got to know in Toman he didn’t change. Mikey looked up at the sky through the opening from above clouds moved so slowly his eyes went blank for a second. “Toman changed so much” he mumbled. This shocked Takemicchi he gave Mikey a confused look. “Huh”? Mikey looked back at him with a smile. “Hey Takemitchy why did you leave Toman? I wanted us to stay together I wanted you to stay with me like a big brother would” “W-w-what”? He left Toman? Why would he- “I tried to fix everything myself without S/O’s help they were stressed enough but I couldn’t control everything. It made me realize I’m never going to be like I was in the past” he said. “Mikey what do you mean”?. Mikey’s hair covered his eyes tht wer filled with the same darkness he used to fight to keep at bay. “ I tried to stop you from leaving Toman but Mitsuya and Draken tried to stop me which was a mistake” he said. (I know im skipping the flash back but yall wanna know what happened to S/O) No no no no no is the only words going through Takemicchi’s head when he realized what that meant. “Those two-” “Were the last.....I’m the one that killed them. The Toman from before is gone I made sure of it ” Does that mean he killed S/O too no way he would never! They were talking about actually getting married when they turned eighteen but Mikey didn’t have a ring or anything. What the hell kind of reality did we create? Thoughts just kept running in his mind. “That’s why I want you to stop me” Mikey walked down from the debris and stood right in front of him. With a smile he said. “Kill me” “What happened to S/O” he asked. A light sparked in Mikey’s eyes but just as quick as it came it was gone. “I want it all to end here. My dream” “Mikey what happened to S/O what did you do to them? I just wanted to see you again and now your asking me to kill you! Where is S/O why aren’t they here with you”? Mikey started to feel his heart shattering the more Takemicchi said their name. It made him remember their smile how they would call him my love unless he was in trouble then it was Manjiro. “Hakkai said the same thing before I killed him. I remember when I first killed someone I felt nothing. It worried S/O they tried over nd over again to get me to talk They stayed with me even after finding out that I killed all of our friends. When I told them that things were easier when you kill those who get in our way” Takemicchi grabbed Mikey’s shoulders and stared at him tears falling. “No it’s not true you haven’t changed S/O would have stopped you they would never have let you do all those things! So why are you talking about murder and all that bullshit! S/O would have- Mikey flipped him over his shoulder slamming him on the ground taking out his gun her pushed it against his cheek and glared down at Takemitchy. “Don’t you get it? I killed S/O” he declared. That shook Takemicchi to his core but if what he said about the others was true. Mikey put another gun next to him. ”Take the gun because if you don’t kill me I will kill you” he said. Mikey had tears in his eyes they fell on his cheeks everything mikey was doing was contradicting with what he told Takemicchi.  “We can’t go back in time no matter how much we want to” BANG!! Mikey felt the burning of the bullet as it went into the side of his head(I don’t know medical stuff so please don’t ding me for this) Mikey blacked out for a couple of seconds he heard someone screaming his name. Opening his eyes again he saw Takemicchi holding him it made him happy not to be alone. “Thank you Tachibana Naoto, Takemitchy wouldn’t have been able to do it....Finally” “Mikey please tell me where S/O is I can call them to meet us” said Takemicchi. Mikey had the saddest look in his eyes as tears fell from his eyes. “They’re gone Takemicchi- “You would never have hurt them- “I lied when I said I killed them but I might as well have” The wound was bleeding more the blood spread down Takemicchi’s fingers onto the dirt floor. Mikey looked to the side Takemicchi’s eyes followed to the spot next to them there was dried blood next to them. How? How didn’t he notice it? Mikey reached out and touched the spot.

                                               FLASHBACK

S/O walked into the same place Mikey and Takemicchi were on the phone. “Listen we don’t have much time left can you do this one last favor for me”? “Yes I know but I need to get Mikey away from them I knew Kisaki was a piece of shit but that other bastard pun intended is worse than him! He’s twisting Mikey up so badly that he doesn’t know left from right” S/O looked at her hand Mikey had proposed to then a couple of nights ago and that solidified their stance they need to leave Japan with Mikey even if they have to drug him. He can be as mad as he wants with them away from the parasites known as Izana  Kurokawa and Tetta Kisaki. “Look if this fails i’ll take the heat for it Mikey might have done horrible things but he would never kill me even if Izana and Kisaki told him too. I gotta go Mikey’s supposed to meet me here soon I’ll broch the topic when I see him for now get everything ready” They hung up sighing it’s for the best after all the bullshit they went though. Clapping came out of nowhere turning they saw said parasites both with big grins Izana clapping. “Wouldn’t have said it better myself unfortunately your right he wont kill you no matter how many times we tell him too” said Kisaki. S/O shrugged putting their phone away. “Being their S/O and best friend since before Draken comes with the territory but tell me something. Have either of you ever had that someone that is your person? That you didn’t have to break to be loyal and love you they just did out of reflex. The one you can always count on to have your back? Someone that will be in the cell next door of you get caught with a plan that gets both of you out or neither of you? That person that will walk through hell with a smile on their face while holding you hand the whole time. Or go to the heavens and laugh with you talking about the good time the bad and the complicated. Your ride or die? Or someone that will always choose you over everyone else no matter what? That is who Mikey and I are to each other so whatever your scheming now to try and break us up again it won’t work. Mikey will never leave me for you” they said glaring at them. The more she spoke the more hatred they had of S/O. Kisaki because of Hinata, Izana because of how deep the loyalty and love Mikey had for S/O. Izana chuckled and stood right in front of them taking a step back S/O was met with a wall they looked up Kakucho Hitto. HE looked sad because at one point they had started to become real friends They glared at Izana. “So you brought your lap dog with you too” they hissed. “Now that’s just mean S/O you might hurt his feelings” said Kisaki with a smirk. “I’m sorry” said Izana looking right in their eyes. This baffled S/O Izana  Kurokawa apologizing it wasn’t just them Kisaki and Kakucho looked confused as well. “I’ve been a terrible brother in law I know it’s a little sudden but now that Mikey proposed maybe we could start over”? he asked smiling. BULLSHIT came to mind Izana always made it very clear that he wanted them gone. At the same time though they had to think about the plan if this was legit it will be easier to get Mikey out. “What are you playing at Izana”? demanded Kisaki teeth clenched enraged. “Shinichiro would have wanted us to get along and be there for Mikey” was the only thing he said. He spread out his arms with a smile. “We should hug it out like families do” he said. They felt movement behind them and they looked at Kisaki he was grinning. S/O felt the air move and heard the crunching of the dirt they moved. Kakucho had a knife in his hand whirling out of the way they spun kicked Kakucho in the rids as hard s they could. Oh the joy they felt when they heard the crunching of his ribs and the snarling pain he felt. S/O made tried to run this was an assassination they realized. They weren’t fast enough Kisaki body slammed then into the dirt dragging them up. S/O kicked wildly screaming as loud as they could trying to elbow Kisaki to let them go. The hope was Mikey would already be near by and would hear that they were in trouble. Mikey had just arrived but he didn’t hear S/O screaming. “Hmm I wonder why wifey wanted to meet here” he asked himself happily. He was so excited finally after waiting all this time since thy were kids he knew that S/O would be the one he would spend the rest of his life with. They would marry have children grandchildren. He knew he didn’t deserve to be happy after all the terrible things he did but he wanted to be selfish and be happy for once after so long. The best part he’s marrying his soulmate cheesy yes but true. He started walking in the building. “Izana please don’t do this to him”! they yelled. Izana walked over to where kakucho was laying glaring down at him Izana picked up the knife. Kakuch scrambled to get up he helped kisaki steady them “No Kakucho please please your not like them! He won’t survive this please” they begged screaming and crying. Kakucho couldn’t meet their eyes a lump forming in his throat and a familiar burn in his eyes. “Wow what a change of heart after that passionate speech S/O” said Izana walking towards them. “Izana please don’t do this Mikey is your brother” they begged. “Yes but like you said he will always choose you over me and I can’t have that. He is my Shinichiro” he said glaring. “The real Shinichiro and Emma would never have wanted this- A horrible burning sensation went through her mid section. They looked down Izana stabbed them pulling out the knife he plunged it in again and again and again. S/O had never seen so much of their blood until now. Kakucho and Kisaki dropped S/O who fell to their knees. Izana held the knife admiring it and the blood. That’s the scene Mikey walked into his heart dropped when he saw S/O drop to the ground coughing up blood. Izana saw mikey still smiling he said. “Hello brother don’t worry everything will be fine now” he said. Mikey ran to S/O falling to his knees he picked them up there was blood everywhere. “We should leave let them say goodbye see you soon little brother I hope now you understand i’m the only family you have left” said izana smirking. Kisaki followed him. Kakucho stood the for a moment and bowed he was so full of regret he thought S/O was a good person but in the end good people in their world never last long. “Hey wifey wake up please” he begged quietly crying. S/O opened their eyes and looked at Mikey. “What took you my love”? “Ha I was asleep i’m sorry baby” he said. “You will always be a child my love that’s what made me fall in love with you that and when you would hold me just like this I always felt safe and protected” thy whispered. “I couldn’t protect you this time” he cried. S/O smiled gently they raised their hand to touch his cheek. “Silly love you couldn’t have known that they would be here” “I should have guessed they always hated you” “Manjiro enough” He looked into S/O’s eyes the bright lights in them dulling. “I want you to promise me three things” they said. Mikey took their hand and kissed their knuckles nodding, “One don’t go after Kisaki or Izana” S/O- “No- they started to cough with more blood. “Okay okay” he said trying to calm them down. “Second Find Takemicchi make sure he is okay I don’t trust them not to hurt him” “Ha of course you would think about the cry baby hero” he said with a watery smile. “He was my favorite after you and Draken I spoiled you three equally....mostly you” “You are my wifey so obligations fall on you” That made S/O smile they loved Mikey so much it just hurts so badly that they didn’t even get married and now they are going to leave Mikey behind. “The last thing”? he asked. “Escape from them leave Japan there is a number on my phone I as going to tell you we should leave together but looks like it’ll just be you this time my love”  Their breathing was getting labored they stopped feeling pain a minute again. “Hey Mikey”? “Yes wifey”? “In our next life let’s get married when we turn eighteen”? He closed his eyes in agony he could hear them as a child in middle school and high school saying it again and again. When he opened them the light in their eyes was gone they had stopped breathing. He held them closer. They were gone. “AHHHHHHHHHHH”!!!!!!!!!

                                          PRESENT TIME

Takemichhi couldn’t breath they murdered S/O infront of mikey. “That was a week ago” “That’s why you wanted me to kill you” he whimpered. “I just want to see their face one more time even if I never see them again after” mikey as crying from a broken soul. “It’s over all my life I have been suffering it was worse when S/O was gone even breathing became it’s own hell” “No Mikey I can change it all I can go back in time and bring S/O back Please don’t say such sad things” Mikey looked to the side and he saw a blur then he saw them with wide eyes. S/O was standing there they were so young in their middle school uniform with a black jacket over their shoulders smiling at him. He looked back at Takemicchi he stopped feeling pain and that was a good thing. With a breathy laugh he leaned closer to takemicchi. “You word comforted me even if they are beautiful lies....your hand is so warm” he said. The next thing Mikey knew he was standing in front of S/O confused but happy he held S/O in one of his octopus hugs like they called them. “You came back” he whispered. Shaking their head they touched his blonde hair. “Huh”? he asked touching his hair. He was in his Toman uniform he spun around and round confused. “My love stop” they giggled. “Wait if your here and I’m a kid again- He looked over and he saw takemicchi holding his body. S/O wrapped their arms around Mikey’s waist pressing their head in his back. “I died” he said. Nodding S/O kissed his back sadly. He turned to them with a sad look in his eyes he wished he didn’t do this to Takemitchy. “You waited for me”? he asked. “As your wifey I have obligations like waiting for your lazy butt” they laughed. He laughed kissing them then deepening the kiss until they couldn’t breath. (I know they died but they aren’t vampires that’s another fic) “ We should go” they said. Mikey hesitated because he knew they might be separated again. S/O scoffed knowing what he was thinking. “Manjiro stop talking” they said “I didn’t say- “Your thinking so loud I’m sure the llorona heard you” (weeping lady) “We aren’t separating not ever again but there are some people that wanna see you they missed you so much but first sit your butt down and let me fix your hair” He complied laughing she pulled his blonde locks back to the way it was before he cut it short. As they stood looked over at Takemicchi, Naoto was comforting him as he cried over Mikey’s body. S/O took his hand and pulled him away there was a huge bright light they looked over at him. “Ready”? they asked. Mikey interlocked their fingers holding tight. “Always” he said happily. “Oh wait no your not” they said. This made Mikey freak out will they separated what what what was he missing!!!. S/O took off the jacket and held it out to him. “Huh”? he asked. “What’s a president and or commander without his uniform”? they asked cheekily. “You brat you scared me “he exclaimed. “You knew I was a brat the moment we started dating and got engaged no take backs” they said wagging their finger at him. He pretended to bite at their finger putting on the jacket. It felt weird wearing it but at the same time it felt right. He grabbed their hand again smiling they pulled him into the light. Mikey opened his eyes and looked a round confused he was standing in the shrine. “S/O what is this”? he asked. He looked around they were gone he started panicking no no no not again he thought. “Oy Mikey” that voice. It made him freeze on the spot. “I think you broke him” said another familiar voice. Mikey turned there stood Draken, Emma, Baji, Chifuyu and the others. He had tears in his eyes but he didn’t care they were here. “My love you look shocked” said S/O pulling a man forward. Shinichiro smiled at his brother he knew the pain Mikey went through and he had so many regrets. “ Hey little brother” he said Mikey lost it he rand and jumped on his brother. The others were watching happily knowing this is the most emotion Mikey has ever displayed in front of them. “It’s alright now stop crying your embarrassing me” Shinichiro laughed. Emma smiled hugging S/O she was so happy to have her family back. When they stood Mikey looked at his friends the ones he killed. “I’m sorry” he said bowing to them. Draken had a tick on his forehead. “Oy Mikey stop apologizing your a president you don’t bow to anyone” he snarled. Mikey froze and looked up they were all smiling at him. He was never more grateful to have a family like this more then this moment. Baji got tired of the mushy stuff and punched Mitsuya on the shoulder. “What the fuck” “Hey I’m happy deal with it”! “You wanna go”! They started fighting in the background. Emma hugged Mikey as tight as she could. “They are both Octopie Octopuses I don’t fucking now but they are” said Draken. “Your right they are it’s cute though” said S/O Draken couldn’t argue there he missed his best friends now they’re all together laughing and just being happy. “By the way my love you only bow to one person” said S/O. Mikey let Emma go and stood in front of them. Emma went next to Draken he rapped an arm around her shoulder both blushing. “Oh yeah who is that”? he asked pulling them close. “Me” the said kissing him. Wolf whistles and cat calls is all they got separating. He held them from behind resting his chin on their shoulder. “My love”?  “Hmmm yes wifey” he looked at them “Let’s get married when we turn eighteen”            Fin

[abused-sides]

When do you think Remus/Janus said "I love you" to Logan the first time? Or Logan to them? (Or even when they said it to each other cause im sure it was long before they even met Logan)

Tw: this au follows the sides as abuse survivors.

More trigger warnings for homophobic parents, sexual implications, something could be seen as dubious consent (not sexual) but i don’t think so, repression of feelings, ignoring self care

Oh, Remus and Janus definitely said it to each other long before they met Logan.

[

]

Remus often escaped his house by spending night after night at Janus’. His parents weren’t exactly thrilled- They didn’t like the way Remus presented himself, the way he talked, his psychosis scared them, they suspected he was gay, among other things -but Remus was so kind to them and insisted on helping around the house that they couldn’t find it in their hearts to kick him out.

Janus and Remus had to hide their relationship, because Janus’ parents were severely homophobic, and it actually scared Janus to have Remus over so often because he knows Remus doesn’t have a filter, and it would be very, very bad if Remus were to spill about either their relationship or Janus’ sexuality.

One night, they had Janus’ door locked, and the two of them were cuddling in Janus’ bed (they never fell asleep cuddled together, as Remus had a blow-up mattress he was supposed to sleep in, but they cuddled every night before going to bed) and Remus mentioned that when Janus left for the bathroom, his parents cornered Remus about their sexualities and their relationship.

Janus stiffened. He was certain that this was a warning, that they had to get out of there as soon as possible. “What did you say?”

“I told them that you’re my best friend and sucking your dick would be disgusting.”

Janus laughed weakly as Remus puctuated his words by grabbing him. Janus pushed his hand away and pulled him closer.

“Thank you. That’s... That’s good. But...” The colour was quickly draining from his face. His mind flashed with every lie he could come up with to derail their attention. “But they suspect, they’re going to-“

“They don’t suspect shit.”

Janus paused. “What? How?”

“I told them about all the hetero sex you’re having.”

Janus dissolved into weak snickers, burying his face in Remus’ hair. “You didn’t.”

“I did. It was all I could think of. I’m not as good of a liar as you are.”

“Well, I can’t say that I’m looking forward to that conversation... But it’s miles better than the alternative. Thank you, darling.”

Remus reached up and kissed him, aiming for the mouth but largely missing. Janus grinned and cupped his face, pressing their foreheads together.

“Remus.” Janus’ voice was such a quiet whisper than Remus almost didn’t hear. “I love you. I hope you know that.”

Remus hesitated. He tried to keep his voice as quiet as Janus’, but it wavered. “Like... Like- Like you’re in love with me?”

Janus laughed and brushed his hair back. “Yes. Like I’m in love with you.”

“I’m in love with you, too!” Remus whisper-screamed, and launched forward to kiss him again.

Janus laughed and wrapped his arms around Remus’ back, kissing him softly.

Janus and Remus telling Logan they loved them came much, much later, long after they met him.

Logan had snuck over to their apartment again when they couldn’t sleep (the two gave them a spare key long ago) and walked in on them making out with music playing.

Logan clicked off the music and gave them a look. “The entire building can hear this, you know.”

“Good!” Remus shouted while Janus asked, “Did it keep you up?”

“No.” Logan sat at the edge of the bed, body turned towards them. “That was something else.”

Janus took note of Logan’s body language, the way they opened themselves up to the two of them, their choice in clothes- Their boxers and a tank top -and, above all, the way they looked at the two of them.

Janus grinned. It was one of those types of nights. Because Logan would never in a million years ask for it, never admit they needed it, Janus scooted over so there was a space between him and Remus, and opened his arms.

Logan blushed, and stumbled over a refusal the way they always did the first time, a formality Janus and Remus hated. They waited patiently for them to decide some human contact wouldn’t actually kill them or make any less of them, and they crawled into the open space.

Remus latched onto Logan like a parasite, tangling their legs together and winding his arms around Logan’s waist, under their tanktop. Janus draped an arm around their shoulders and rubbed their exposed tummy. Logan flushed bright red and adjusted to the contact as Remus found a documentary they would all enjoy.

They didn’t pay too much attention to it. Remus buried his face in Logan’s neck, and Janus’ fingers had found their hair, rubbing and scratching slowly on their scalp, rendering them mostly limp.

About twenty minutes in, Remus had sighed, warm breath fanning across Logan’s neck and making them shiver. “I love you,” he said. “You’re my second first favourite person.”

Janus held back a sigh as Logan’s eyes snapped open, their body tense. “Remus, we talked about this. We were waiting for them to come to us.” No use hiding it now.

“But they’re never going to, and if I don’t tell them now, I’ll explode!”

Janus pulled his hands away to give Logan some of their mind back, and shooed at Remus to pull off, as well.

“I’m sorry, what?” Logan managed.

Janus sighed again and tipped Logan’s head to meet his eyes. “You’re the dumbest, most dense human I’ve ever met. Are you really surprised?”

“That Remus, uh...”

“That we both love you.” Logan leaned into Janus’ touch, so he ran his thumb across their cheekbone. “That we’ve loved you for a while, and we were waiting for you to realize that having feelings for another person doesn’t make you weak.”

They fell silent, letting Logan process. Finally, they said, “You both love me?” They both nodded, Remus giggling. “So you... You want...”

Janus forced Logan to meet his eyes. “We want you to be our partner. Or, if it would make you more comfortable, we could call you our boyfriend in front of the others.”

“This can’t surprise you,” Remus insisted, and found Logan’s hand. He laced their fingers, and Logan squeezed his hand. “I mean... I don’t know about Jan-Jan, but I’m not subtle.”

“You don’t have to say you love us back,” Janus said softly. “We’re not expecting that of you. But think, have we ever made fun of you? Ever took advantage of your vulnerability?” Logan was quickly relaxing. They shook their head. “Do you want to be with us?”

Logan slowly nodded. “Um... Yes. I would- I would enjoy- enjoy that.”

Remus squealed and nuzzled into their neck, startling a weak laugh out of Logan.

“I love you,” Janus said softly. “You don’t have to say it back if you can’t.”

“Can we kiss you?” Remus asked impatiently, shaking their hand.

Logan laughed a little and leaned back against the bedframe, nodding shakily. Remus kissed them hard on the mouth, tangling his hands in their hair and pulling them close. Janus watched with an eye roll as Remus practically devoured them, pulling away to leave Logan with flushed skin and glassy eyes.

They flicked an expectant gaze to Janus. Janus didn’t move. “Are you sure? It’s okay if this isn’t what you want-“

“I want this.” Logan pursed their lips and looked away. “I- I do... Want this. Don’t get that confused with my... Problems.”

Janus stroked down the side of their face and brought them close. He kissed the tip of their nose, and then their mouth, lightly, pulling away only for Logan to chase after him.

The three of them traded kisses for a while, until Logan was completely relaxed and receptive, and they resumed their favourite cuddle position.

It was a few months before Logan was comfortable enough to say it back. They spent twelve hours at the library working on their freelance work, to the point where Remus and Janus dragged them out of there and made them eat and shower. Logan didn’t bother going back to their own apartment, just fell into bed with them, already half asleep.

“Goodnight, Lo-Lo,” Remus whispered, kissing the back of their neck and spooning them.

Janus brushed their hair back and kissed their forehead. “Tomorrow, you’re taking the day off. We can go to the planetarium you like.”

“I have deadlines,” Logan murmured.

“Your body has deadlines on when it needs to eat, but you sure had no problems ignoring that today.”

Logan was too tired to blush, but Janus recognized the embarrassed wrinkle of their nose.

“Get some sleep,” Janus whispered. “We love you.”

“I love you, too.”

It was half mumbled, and the two of them almost missed it. Remus squealed quietly and laughter bubbled from Janus’ lips. They held Logan tightly between them, giving them soft kisses before settling in to sleep.

// so this ended up being 10 times longer than i thought it would be. I’m a sl*t for intruloceit, please enjoy.

[borntoslay]

I MEANT TO WRITE + POST THIS IN SEPTEMBER 2016 SO IT WOULD BE A YEARLY CHECK-IN, SINCE THE LAST ONE I DID WAS SEPTEMBER 2015, AND THE ONE BEFORE THAT WAS SEPTEMBER 2014... BUT I WAS REALLY BUSY SO HEAr we go:

When we last left off (September 2015), I had JUST starting my 4th album, “Better,” written in the wake of realizing I had fallen into depression again! I was scared and confused, but above all else, I was MAD that this was happening AGAIN. It seemed like literally every single year around the same time, I would always just accidentally slip into a minor-moderate depression, and have to spend the rest of the year clawing my way out... (it was only in late 2016 that I realized it is probably SEASONAL depression... like... DUH...)

Enter “Better,” an album literally written to pull me out!

(disclaimer: again, not a singer, just someone who writes songs as a hobby + likes to sInG LOL! Bolded lyrics are the ones that are featured in the following video)

00:00 – BETTER

00:53 – BLOOM

01:53 – MASC 4 MASC

 / / / / – BRAVO

03:51 – Y.A.S. (YOU AIN'T SHIT)

05:02 – WITH YOU

 / / / / – #TOOMUCH

05:59 – I'M OVER IT

07:50 – GET OFF YOUR PHONE, BITCH!

10:58 – I'M NOT THE ONE

BETTER

The first track, Better, was done in like, 20 minutes, the very first night I realized what was happening back in August 2015. I already posted the full thing that week, but I’ve included the best bits in the above video.

Based off of Bleachers’ I Wanna Get Better, obviously

It’s been day-in, day-out, another drama I’ve been hiding out under the covers Let it go, professional, you’re flexible, incredible, and unforgettable I haven’t been on the weather lately As people go, and the times are changing And I don’t feel like a winner (I wanna get better!) / But it’s such a pain, when it’s all been stuck the same And my fears are rising, but still, I try not to let them get to me / Guess when depression’s in question I just invest in expression Turn heartache into a lesson It’s your discretion to say: I WANNA GET BETTER!

BLOOM

This song was written the same week in August 2015 after having recently reconnected with several people I had met back in 2011; 3 of which had all, separately, told me things along the lines of “I can see you are BLOSSOMING!” and “You really are BLOOMING!”

I’ve always known that I do take a little more time than others to do most things, but it was during that month that I really started to realize that I am a late-bloomer—and that’s ok!

BLOOM was based off of a K-pop song some of y’all may know. I don’t listen to K-pop because I don’t understand any of it, so I tried my hand at writing over this fun instrumental. What I like to do is pull instrumentals of moderately popular songs I’ve never heard before, write my own lyrics + melody over it, and then when I’m finally done with mine, I give the “real” version a listen. In some cases, I feel I have outdone the original, but in this case, I think the original was way better, even without being able to understand it! LOL But I also like what I did with it, too.

My roots have always been a little too sheltered, It didn’t matter if the rain ever came. Not always Great, but I was born Alexander, Wondering how I would live up to my name

And though it took a little while, people compliment my smile and the things that’d get me labeled as “strange” So now I’m planted and a little self-centered with barely any room to re-renovate

Cuz when I do, all of you will direct me to Some other thing I’m not winning Say what you may, but I’m Born To Slay Impossibly From beginning, to the end, But I guess that I missed why You dismissed my assistance’swhy Deep inside me wants to try be Something shiny and now I’m ready to bloom

Don’t assume  I’m too stubborn for this cuz I’m Not a prude,  I just Never Been Kissed and I never knew what the hell I was missing

Combined with why I wanna try To find a guy To enterprise A YOLO mentality So I can gro-ow substatially I know my show’s been a tragedy Cuz I was just a little late to bloom

Don’t get stressed about it, just aim to try Plant the seeds and weed Parasites And set your sights higher Remain inspired Let the spotlight ignite your desires

And rise from the soil Cuz you’re in control Just follow your dreams And reap what you sow

/

I just tried it A little too slowly And I’ll be The first to admit I’m still growing

Nobody can take what you’re taking the time to Outwardly reshape what’s mistaken inside you So don’t hesitate when your greatness is valued And don’t let a date, or a lack thereof undo your bloom

/

Some things are better faster And others take longer to master In which case it’s better late than never So do whatever it takes to be Better

MASC 4 MASC

This is one of the only songs I have ever publicly posted in full, during the week I wrote it. This song literally just CAME to me the week I joined Tinder/Grindr, as I hopelessly scrolled through all of the depressingly bleak profiles and saw the amount of self-hate everyone seemed to have while still managing to like themselves enough to be looking for hookups with strangers. I laid down to take a nap and within the first 15 seconds of lying down, I just heard a lingering voice in my head say “Looking.... Are you looking...?” Shot my ass up, wrote + recorded the whole song in about an hour, and posted it.

Based on C2C,  O B V I O U S L Y !

I’ve changed some of it since that post, and most of those changes are in the above video.

Looking Are you looking Looking out to find a dick to fill your ass? While excluding any asians, fems, or fats Cuz you’re limited to looking Masc4masc

Looking I am looking But I never seem to get a second glance Every gay man never seems to take a chance Cuz they’re limited to looking Masc4masc

Oh, I love my Lady Gaga You could say that I’m a stan But that always seems to stop ‘em when they’re looking masc4masc

And I’m not into straight-acting Cuz I’m proud of who I am But my sisters know that cis-men only look for masc for masc

I’m a catch Too bad you won’t ever see What it’s like to be With someone like me

Cuz you’re Looking Yeah, you’re looking Only looking cuz you’re tired of your hand But you’ll never find “The One” in “one night stand” Cuz you’re limited to looking Masc 4 Masc

Picky You’re so picky Use your preferences to mask your prejudice You want a guy to come around And you get mad when you don’t find ‘im

But we all know That you were never really looking for anything other than a reflection fitting your narrow mind

It’s a shame You’re gay but you’ll never try Try dating outside of muscled and white

Cuz you’re looking Yeah, you’re looking Looking out to find a dick to fill your ass But you’ll never really find your happiness

Cuz you’re hypocritical and Self-hating and fuckin’ Limited to looking Masc 4 Masc

You’re the bottom I’m not into Fucking around with the Shallow ass that you got #Thot

BRAVO

Thanks to Tinder, I had my VERY first date EVER (at age 23!) back in November 2015 with a very nice gentleman who was ALSO an artist, and mutually supportive of ALL of my art forms—my digital painting, my traditional painting, even painting my face! We had a sweet dinner, and then... I never heard from him again!

Bravo was, in some ways, referencing Applause, in the idea that although I would have loved to be with him, I did not need his support (or, “bravo”) if he didn’t want to be with me. (His name also rhymed with the word “bravo” lol). I Will Survive is also referenced because... duh!

I didn’t include a snippet in the video because it’s obviously a really personal song, so the personal meaning is MUCH stronger than the execution LOL

Guess I’m never certain who wants to curtain-pull As my bravo  [meaning, who wants to be there for me at the end] My ******o [his name]

/

At first I was afraid, it took all of me To realize I would still survive without your artistry I could Paint The Night Away, standing tall without a change And I grew strong, ‘cause you won’t get to me today!

/

Yeah, you’re an actor; you made me believe That you would want a girl who keeps her heart on her sleeve But I’m a master of making them leave; The only thing you got away with’s carrying out my routine

/

I’m lonely, but like a flower bouquet I’d rather not be picked at all if I’ll just wither away

/

One second I’ll be waiting, suddenly the weight is me I don’t need you in my heart, And I do not need ****i [his nickname]

Y.A.S. (You Ain’t Shit)

(Created on one of my go-to beat-maker’s beats!)

Post-2013, my goal with writing my music has never been to write a “hit” or anything super commercial or anything for anyone else to consume (especially since I stopped posting + sharing my music altogether, so anything I write is literally JUST for me!)... however, after I came up with this title, this song was to be my MOMENT.

The first verse plays off the mythology of the “YAS,” with Gaga being clamored by the paparazzi and her screaming fans, being a metaphor for all my photos and the attention I was getting on social media from a guy I was talking to and had plans to date almost weekly between September 2015 and December 2015, but never did. As the song goes, I didn’t feel like he was reciprocating the thoughts + feelings I had for him, (“so there goes that potential date”) but whenever I would post something on Instagram, he would like it IMMEDIATELY, and then literally go all the way back YEARS into my posts, and start liking all of my old selfies, my old artwork, EVERYTHING. “When I’m Instagramming, you spam me, and we never even met yet.”

The line about “receipts” is about me screencapping every piece of dialogue I have and sending it to my hunties to help me figure out if this guy even liked me! The line “On to the next one” was told to me when one of those friends saw the receipts and really didn’t think that this guy was interested (and he was right! We’ll get to this part of the story later...)

Cameras are flashin’ And I can’t imagine It any other way I’m not into fashion But I’m so obsessed with You looking in my way

And I’m like, Buzz-buzz, ho! [I used to say this as I was waiting for Grindr messages] Hey, don’t you know I’m tired of getting old alone And I just wanna find a man Who really understands

And I don’t feel that reciprocation So there goes that potential date but When I’m Instagramming You spam me And we’ve never even met yet (YAS)

You Ain’t Shit You’ll never get with this You’re such a tragedy, And the gravity of the sit. is in The way your basic ass Is making me swipe left You ain’t shit On to the next one

You Ain’t Shit You’ll never be victorious Just a B.S. masterpiece But I’m pulling at your seams and You’re even less than what you seem

I know ur trying hard 2 Outshine me, but I’m a star U R an asteroid and coming forth [he is to be a huge part of my life] But I glow in the dark [but I’ll always be special with or without him]

U can’t stand next 2 me, U C, I Can’t keep sending these receipts, Y can’t U text me W/o the sexting [not about him, but about Tinder/Grindr in general] Ur making me wanna scream

(Y.A.S.!)

/

I always think that you’re the one But just as quickly as it comes You Ain’t Shit On to the next one

WITH YOU

I wrote this in November of 2015, and it’s one of the most personal + vulnerable things I’ve ever created. I think this song is the absolute hardest to listen to of anything I’ve ever written because whenever I hear it, I almost immediately fall right into the mindset I had while writing it. It’s about trying your hardest to see a really powerful friendship through, while realizing that as you’ve been trying to help him be “happy again,” you yourself aren’t very happy anymore, either.

/

Hey Don’t cry I know that you don’t need me in your life

But I’ll stay Cuz I Know you’re scared to know you’re always on my mind

And I’m gonna live like this forever Or at least until you’re Better

Cuz when I’m with you I can see the sadness in your eyes But you smile when I smile So it’s nice to know that you’re fine again

When I’m with you I can feel the colors all around And I miss the way it used to be Cuz I’m dying to be happy again

#TOOMUCH

You keep me close, then you let me go, Say you need me then treat me like garbage But I’m not your bitch, And I’m sick of picking up and paying for empty luggage

I’M OVER IT

This song ended up being what Y.A.S. was supposed to be: it’s fun, it’s written well, and as if that wasn’t enough, I also produced the entire thing! It’s a song collectively about all 4 of the guys I went on dates with or even seriously talked to between late 2015–early 2016, but was specifically written about 2 dates I had in particular in January 2016...

Because I’m a FREAK, I literally record all of my first dates (in the event that that person ends up being THE ONE, so I could play it back at our 25-year vow renewal ceremony... Also because I just have a bad memory and wanted to take notes like in class LOL. So basically, less than mid-way through both of these January 2016 dates, while the other guy was preoccupied or in a different room, I mumbled into my phone “... yeah........ i’m over it............................” In fact, after the date with the Y.A.S. guy, I got in my car and recorded what became the chorus to this song.

All the clips in the above video are of me before all 4 of my first dates; the 5th one is of the only SECOND date I went on LOL! More on him in the next album...

You watch me as I’m walkin’ on by And I scream, but I keep it inside I’m sweet and a creeper, a bonafide keeper And you’re really lookin’ my type

I bite my lip as I’m writin’ to ya And sweat when I try to pursue ya But my first dates never leave the home plate So I’m safe not trying to reproduce

You can seduce me a little if you want I’m a little iffy but Not afraid to get what I want And you’re the one I want Like Travolta And I can play the part Like a Mozart

So I make the most of our time You got me at my prime As you rolled out of bed Looking lazy

Said you wanna do it again I said maybe, But in my head, I’m like, “baby, you’re crazy, ‘cause I said—

Ooh, I’m over it Not interested and Ooh, I can’t pretend You’re not overplayed and Ooh, you’re overrated But I can’t complain Cuz you ain’t worth the time of day I’m over it and on my way

You said you wanna meet up But don’t put your feet up yet Don’t get comfortable Fake ham, fake cheese, so Lunchable  And I ain’t fighting, don’t want your bull [I LOVE THESE LINES]

But irresponsibly, I agree to meet you And when the day comes you’re silent You can apologize But you’re wasting your time It’s already been decided I guess Ooh, I’m over it

/

Baby baby I’m over it now Took time but I came to find you’re subar And I’m sobering down No crying when I say goodbye, cuz it’s over

You’re overrated I can’t complain Cuz you never meant a thing to me I’m racking my brain Cuz I can’t believe that I Even bothered trying to meet you

'Cause baby you had your chance, But you blew it I won’t second-guess Cuz I knew it I decided while driving in on the first date You weren’t great And I coped with it

So I bit my tongue Tried to have fun But you weren’t the one And I moved on Don’t need YOU What u gon DO When you send a text but I’m over it, BOO?

GET OFF YOUR PHONE, BITCH!

I also produced this entire song myself, though some of it it sounded a lot like You Know I’m No Good by Amy Winehouse, so I make reference to it in the end.

Parts of this song are about a particular person + incidents I had with him, but for the most part, it’s about a lot of people and situations in general. For example, one of my dates was on his phone for work. Understandable. One of my dates was on his phone scrolling through Instagram while I was talking. Not so understandable. When I’m talking to a friend in the car, I don’t even touch my phone. When I’m at dinner with friends or lunch with coworkers, I ALWAYS put my phone away. Scrolling through social media when someone is right next to you is insulting! So much so that I wrote a fucking song about it.

Hey You called about way too late I’m finally unafraid To say that I’m already home right now, so go figure it out

I’m not made To wait on your ass all day I’m free of that brown nose stain

I know it’s not my duty I’m putting down my phone like I’m about to watch a movie

It’s not OK When you are LOOKING At someone’s PHOTOS For that like BUTTON A millennial cliché And you aren’t even listening to me,

Look at ME And how you never answer ME If you’re always on your phone?

I can see it so hell, I assume you know well And you’re ready for what Imma say, OK:

Get off your phone, bitch! Listen when I'm talking I'm calling you out I know it isn’t that impossible following Conversation I’ve been patient I’ve been feeling alone Cuz you’re always on your Fucking phone, bitch! Introversion ain’t that cute I know you manage Speaking and I ain’t that stupid And you know it Don’t condone it So fucking press Log Out And put that finger down Get off your phone bitch

I’m not waiting for that SMS And I guess that The best you got Ain’t a lot No question

I rest on pretty You awake and trying And in a video I stay outshining And in a room Crowded front to back Side to side I do make the room light up systemizingly-so I said it before I’m Born To Slay, what’chu here for?

Information age is the present And I get it, and know it won’t change And I’m hesitant to let it You wanna look at screens? You can FaceTime You wanna be with me? You can make time You wanna be with me? Put your phone down I’ll give you the third degree if I’m snowed out

Fuck that misty eye Kiss that bitch goodbye I got bigger fish to fry

I said, I’m all for being cheesy But I'm lactose intolerant When the girls I be following Share their lives like an ottoman Sectionally displaying [an ottoman is a couch that can be displayed in sections] Whether the moment's a monument Blowing smoke up their confidence While my belly is bubbling

I don't like being hollered at If I'm just gonna be ignored 'Cause trust me, you need it more Like that hat you can't afford I'm an image of an winner, while you're out trynna score But you're boring, baby I don't wanna play anymore

/

Met you outside, by my parking stall You start your phone up as I start my car I said “What did you do at work today?” And wait in silence as you scroll away...

So I confess like a pretzel, [this is an inside joke] I think, “I can’t believe you’re an asshole” By the time I take you home, I’m pressed as hell, only heaven knows—

I don’t give a fuck ‘Bout your busted shoe I told you get off your phone, bitch And now, I’m off of you

I’M NOT THE ONE

Continuing my exercise of writing over songs/verses I felt were badly written, I wrote over the first verse of Meghan “you really think I can be replaced, nah, I’m come from outerspace” Trainor’s Lips Are Moving, and this is, I think, the best verse I have ever written! It’s sassy, it’s concise, and it’s catchy as HELL!

This is about all the guys on the dating apps that you thought had potential, but, for whatever reason, end up not responding to your messages until they’re bored/horny again.

The title, “I’m not the one” goes both ways, in Alyssa’s context, I’m saying “you pissed off the wrong bitch,” but in my own context, I’m saying that as these guys aren’t made for me, I, too, am not “the one.”

I seen that read receipt and I know That you ain’t meant for me Survival of the fittest In the Guinness book you’re best at being the biggest douche and I guess that

You f-ed it up: RuPaul Cuz when you’re alone you call

But I don’t fuck with you Had enough And you ain’t enough to get off to

Thought you could be the one I wanted to care for That I’d try to be there for, however I’m kinda getting tired of your piles of bullshit And I don’t need you, so, whatever

I’m getting tired Of all your bullshit Tell me, do you think I’m dumb?

Down to the wire, You’re fucking useless Don’t you try to try me I’m not the one!

Get out my face! Get off your dashboard Done with all your messing around

I said I’m tired Of all your bullshit Baby baby, I’m not the one/

You’re fucking stupid You’re fucking useless Sick of your bullshit And I’m tired, tired, tired, baby

Honey honey, I don’t think you wanna try me I think you’re bound to find me unpleasant Oh no no no, there is no way you could ever satisfy me I’m grown and you’re so pre-pubescent

You’re such a little fuckb0i And I think I’ve had enough, I wannaToss you in the garbage disposer If you chase me imma mace you I wanna just erase you But not till you get full disclosure:

I said I’m tired Of all your bullshit (repeat)

/

Maybe you just aren’t the right one.

This is the closing piece to this album, which started and ended when I started and finished dating/trying dating apps for the first time (September 2015–August 2016). It was a fucking WEIRD time in my life! LOL Not my GREATEST album, but I like it, and there are a lot of things that I’ve learned from it. One day I’ll tell the story about the worst date in my life because I learned more from that one meeting than I have in the last 6 years! LOL

Anyway, I’m just 2 songs away from finishing my NEXT album, which has tentatively been called “SNAP.” All my “albums” have 10 tracks each, and just consist of songs written during that 1-year period. This next album is, as of right now, my favorite! I can’t wait to share Son of a Bitch and Just a Little Piece of Garbage with you guys... I think they’re both in the top 10 of the best songs I’ve ever written!!!!!

To give you an idea of how things are going so far (in comparison to my own work):

Born to Slay (February–May 2013) – 1/5 Delusional (June 2013–April 2014) – 2/5 Intelligent & Beautiful (May 2014–July 2015) – 4.5/5 Better (August 2015–September 2016) – 4/5 SNAP (August 2016–present) – 4.5/5

[thoughtbot-tinyrobots]

[screaming]

neamonitakis: I’ve also had a pretty gnarly rat :tm: experience at one apartment in Brooklyn

neamonitakis: so I can understand how hard it is when your home is infested

neamonitakis: I lived in an historic building in BK Heights and the garbage room was getting completely gutted to put in a compactor thing.

neamonitakis: so this displaced an entire colony of rats

neamonitakis: I lived on the third floor, so I figured I was fine

neamonitakis: I was not.

neamonitakis: Simultaneously, we were having an issue in our bathroom. A leak had broken the ceiling apart just above our bathtub, a tiny little hole

neamonitakis: Or so we thought....

neamonitakis: so I’m just hanging one night, watching some TV, and I heard a weird thud, followed by some odd scratching sounds

neamonitakis: open the bathroom and the ceiling caved into the bathtub completely

neamonitakis: and theres like a foot long rat

eunjee: DONT FINISH THAT SENTENCE

neamonitakis: just sitting in the bathtub]

louis: TOO LATE

neamonitakis: and I’m like

neamonitakis: you gotta be kidding me

neamonitakis: it does not end here though

mjankowski: you’re going to have mutant powers at the end of this story right?

neamonitakis: totally.

eunjee: i cannot look away

neamonitakis: so basically

neamonitakis: now I am like

neamonitakis: ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ wtf

neamonitakis: and I am like making sure the door is shut

neamonitakis: while I look for a device to pick it up with? thro wit out the window?

neamonitakis: like I dont even know what to do

neamonitakis: eventually I’m like, let me call the super!

neamonitakis: he shows up

neamonitakis: and is like

neamonitakis: nope.

neamonitakis: im not doing that

neamonitakis: call animal control

neamonitakis: CALL ANIMAL CONTROL

neamonitakis: we did not do that

neamonitakis: because like, its in my damn apartment NOW

eric: when I was living in a tent in New Orleans we had to dig a rat moat so we could sleep at night this is my story okay thanks

neamonitakis: omg I wish i had a moat

neamonitakis: sadly all I had was a paper towel, some organic almond butter and a cardboard box

neamonitakis: so I baited it

eliza: damn this is better than late night tv

neamonitakis: the lil rat LOVED the almond butter

neamonitakis: and was eating it up

neamonitakis: this gave me enough time to slam the box shut and start running down to the street

neamonitakis: OR SO I THOUGH

neamonitakis: So I’m on the 3rd floor and I am straight up sprinting down the stairs

neamonitakis: holding this GROSS creature

neamonitakis: and I get to the 2nd floor

neamonitakis: and I see A HAND EMERGE

neamonitakis: A PAW?

neamonitakis: A HAND?

neamonitakis: i dunno

eunjee: with your hand with paper towel as a glove...? in the cardboard box?

sharplet: A CLAW

neamonitakis: nope

neamonitakis: I was just holding the box at this point running

neamonitakis: and I am freaking out cause now I see 2 of them and its definitely climbing out

neamonitakis: so now im like shit i have to do something

neamonitakis: and the building I was in was interesting

neamonitakis: each floor was like a tiny balcony

eliza: omg did you throw it over the side?!?! epic

neamonitakis: I launched that little rat

neamonitakis: right over the side

neamonitakis: because I was NOT gonna start a fist fight with a rat

Jeff Stolz: Did it have wings?

neamonitakis: dude

neamonitakis: it flew

neamonitakis: it made it all the way to the street

neamonitakis: and bounced

neamonitakis: I felt AWFUL

neamonitakis: so I ran down to make sure it was okay

neamonitakis: and it was like passed out

neamonitakis: and then it heard me

neamonitakis: and like shook its head and ran away

neamonitakis: it was totally fine

neamonitakis: it scurried off but man

neamonitakis: the adrenaline was pumping at this point

neamonitakis: but really, it wasn’t over

eliza: jfc

neamonitakis: the rat left us a treat

eric: oh damn

neamonitakis: RAT MITES

neamonitakis: a new thing I got to learn about

neamonitakis: when I saw these black spots jumping around our bathroom

neamonitakis: and thought I was going NUTS

sharplet: you are cursed

neamonitakis: yup, apparently this thing was nasty and feral

eliza: good thing you didn’t let it bite you.

neamonitakis: exactly

eliza: super powers for sure

eunjee: > What are rat mites? Rat mites, scientific name ornithonyssus bacoti, are tiny parasites that live on rats and inside their nests and feed off of rat blood. But sometimes, when they can't find rats to infest, they resort to making a meal out of the blood of humans.

neamonitakis: YUP

neamonitakis: definitely were biting me

louis: …did they like almond butter, too?

neamonitakis: I think just the blood

neamonitakis: well thanks for coming to my TED talk

neamonitakis: I definitely have a photo of the bathtub somewhere

neamonitakis: with the rat in it

neamonitakis: I can’t locate it right now though lol