#or a short one shot of adiel finding happiness so so many of you felt for him
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hello-sweetheart Ā· 2 months ago
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You know that trope where Person A thinks Person B is just being nice but theyā€™re actually flirting. What about the opposite? Person A misreading their behavior and being the only one falling impossibly in love.
Clumsy in Love part 4
Eddie rubs his hands over his face and presses the heels of his palm into his eyes.
Im such a piece of shit. God, how could I just do that.
Heā€™s pissed at Steve for not saying something sooner, for waiting until Eddie had something good in his grasp. But heā€™s angry with himself too.
How stupid is he, really? Did he really not notice until it all came face to face?
He has Adielā€™s number memorized, but he knows which of Steveā€™s beauty marks form constellations.
Mostly, hes confused. His feelings are a jumbled mess and heā€™s never been good at sorting them out. Naturally, he turns to music. Dio has serenaded him these past few days. Wayne has steered clear of his shit show.
How do you feel right now?
What do you see?
Where would you be right now?
Hey angel what about me?
Jesus fucking fuck. He attempts to run his hand through his hair only it doesnā€™t get too far, rings snagged in his tangled hair. He can feel the oil built up on the strands and knows itā€™s time to get his ass out of bed. He doesnā€™t.
ā€œAngel, Angel, angel. You were my angel. Just not anymore.ā€ He mutters to himself long after the track has finished and another song plays. Heā€™s learning to let go still, even after heā€™s ended it.
You know what really makes him feel like a dickhead? That Adiel got hurt because of him. He didnā€™t deserve to get caught in Eddieā€™s bullshit.
Guilt eats him alive.
His conscious hurts and his heart trembles, tumbled in his chest, but he doesnā€™t feel the heartbreak the way he should. That world-on-fire and breath burning feeling. He canā€™t find it.
Like a masochist he wants for it, desires it, deserves it like sinner.
Those last few weeks were enough for his feelings to settle, for his heart to make a decision with or without his input. He triedā€”god fuck I triedā€”to feel that skipped-beat flutter when Adiel smiled his way. Could almost convince himself he could. That Adielā€™s interlocked hand in his still felt an extension of himself instead of something foreign.
It used to feel like I belonged at his side. Why did it have to stop?
Heā€™s wronged a friend who trusted him to keep his heart safe. A friend who had already been through so much. And Eddie added to that lifetime of hurt because he couldnā€™t figure it out himself.
Because he was too stupid to see and too stupid to know.
He thinks of Steveā€™s lips, like he has now for days. Weeks. His heart twists, rung out. That skipped-beat flutter that betrays him.
Fuck. Fuck, man.
He has to stop yanking at his hair like he can train himself out of feeling it.
Do your demons, do they ever let you go?
When you've tried, do they hide, deep inside
Is it someone that you know?
You're just a picture, you're an image caught in time
We're a lie, you and I.
ā€œIā€™m so fucking sorry,ā€ he tells no one because he needs to say it until he can forgive himself a little. Until he can make himself believe that Adiel will forgive him, in time.
ā€œIā€™m so sorry,ā€ this time says it to himself, covers his face with his hands and finally cries.
Against his fucking will he cries, canā€™t hold onto it anymore. Ugly retching sobs that can only come from mourning an almost.
Finally, after days of like solitude, Wayne creeps in un-intrusive as a shadow. His hand on his shoulder may be the only thing that keeps Eddie from disappearing.
ā€œI couldā€™ve loved him, Wayne. I couldā€™veā€”I did. I think I fucking loved him and I didnā€™t know untilā€”until I didnā€™t anymore. And thenā€”and then I just couldnā€™t again.ā€
I wish he got to know that. That even for a short time, I had loved him.
Wayne, ever a man of few words, sits with him and lets him have his silence.
ā€”ā€”ā€”
Itā€™s a little over a month after that that Steve pays him a visit.
Heā€™s smart enough to show up when Wayne isnā€™t home, looking sheepish as he shuffles on his front step. At least he has the gall to look him in the eyes.
All this is because of you, he thinks. His dark under eyes, his pallid skin. The rage in his blood. The almost that he had.
ā€œWhy are you here?ā€ He looks taken aback, almost shrinks in on himself.
ā€œIā€¦ the boys said that you, well.ā€ Steve rubs the back of his neck, his hair longer than when Eddie last saw it. It slips through Steveā€™s fingers. ā€œYou never came by again and I wanted to see you. To talk? Can we talk? Canā€™tā€¦ canā€™t I come in?ā€
Having Steve in his home, in his space, is dangerous.
Those eyes are deep, soften by tired shadows.
ā€œNo,ā€ his swallow is audible and steels himself, ā€œWhy should I want you in my home, Steve?ā€
Steve stands there lips parted and hands clenches at the bottom of his sweatshirt, eyes shined over. Eddie takes the chance to step forward. Everything inside him is too much.
ā€œDonā€™t you understand what you did? I was happy. And you, fuck, you ruined it! Steve! You!ā€ He out of the door way now and Steve steps back, back, back.
Steveā€™s face is red in shame. Eddieā€™s in anger. His pointed finger jabbed at his chest, accusing.
ā€œYou couldnā€™t just let me be happy? Why? Why did you kiss me, Steve? Why then? Was it because you couldnā€™t stand that I finally had someone? Say something!ā€
Steves eyes overflow, ā€œYes! I could stand it because I love you, asshole! I thought, I donā€™t knowā€”I thought you loved me, too. Okay? Me. We both felt itā€”tell me you felt it too, Eddie? It wasnā€™t just me, right?
ā€œYou were everywhere and everything. Youā€™d smile at me and it was the sun. So close, always right there and it was like we wereā€”we were teetering on the edge of something amazing. And I was so happy, Eddie. So happy that day ā€˜cuz I thought, it was just us, right? Me and you. Just us. Together.
ā€œBut then you saw him and your werenā€™t even listening to me. You didnā€™t hear a word I said, did you? You only had eyes for him. You left me there and I didnā€™t know what to do with myself ā€˜cuz suddenly all youā€™d talk about was him. Every day and every minute we were together. After thinking, after thinking you loved me too.
That I had you.
So yes! Okay? I kissed you because I was selfish and I needed to know. I needed to know if any of it was real. If there really was nothing there.ā€
Steveā€™s breathing hard by the end of, words a wavering wet string of rawn vulnerable pulled out of his chest. Heā€™s looking at the floor, hair covering his eyes, and shoulders trembling as he hiccups.
Then, everything feels still. Calm inside. For the first time in ages, Eddie feels like he can take a deep breath and not fall apart. He closes his eyes for a second and just breathes. The fight escapes him with the last breath.
ā€œYou ruined me, Steve. You ruined me in a way that even I didnā€™t understand. I didnā€™t know, not until that night, about how you felt. And Iā€™m sorry if it was my fault, if I did and said things to make you feel that way, okay? But I didnā€™tā€¦ I didnā€™t feel that way about you. Not then. Not when you kissed me.ā€
ā€œAnd now? Eddie? Do youā€¦ could you feel that way for me, now?ā€
ā€œIf it werenā€™t for you,ā€ he begins, ā€œAdiel and Iā€¦ we couldā€™ve had something great. But then youā€”and Iā€” I couldnā€™t stop thinking about it. I wondered so much on why you kissed me that night, replaying every moment together, to see what you saw. And ended up feelingā€¦ feeling what you felt.ā€
He takes the chance to move forward the last bit of space to reach to him, have him look him in the eyes. Both of them mirror images of despair.
ā€œYou ruined me, Stevie. Everything was different. It wasnā€™t perfect anymore, I couldnā€™t make it perfect again. And I couldnā€™t be who I had been with Adiel knowing that I couldnā€™t find in me what we had before. That maybe, this has the chance of being something amazing, too.
I stopped seeing you everyday, so I saw you in everything. I stopped speaking to you, and you became the voice inside my head. It was maddening.ā€
Eddie laughs and wipes away the tears from Steveā€™s eyes, they fall faster when he smiles a weak and small but real thing.
ā€œAdiel and I, we fit together; we were good together. But despite that, I didnā€™t want him anymore. I didnā€™t know why, I think I still donā€™t, butā€¦ I donā€™t need to know. I just need feel it, Stevie. And I feel it. I want this. Me and you. You have throughly ruined me, for anybody else.ā€
This time the kiss is different. Itā€™s shared elation, wet and salty on the tongue, and clumsy as they try to fit into each other. Disappear in one another.
ā€œAre you still mad?ā€
Those brown eyes donā€™t resemble gems of green, but theyā€™re filled with incredible warmth and Eddie sees home in them,
Sees a life with them,
Itā€™s own kind of precious.
And he laughs.
ā€œSo much, Stevie. Iā€™m mad and heartbroken and falling jn love and happy and so so sure of us. I think, I think I still need some time, Iā€™m really fuckedā€”no, no, shouldnā€™t cry anymore,ā€ he says as Steveā€™s face scrunches and itā€™s so unbelievably cute if he wasnā€™t blaming himself for it all.
ā€œI just want to make sure I do this right this time. And if I, if I invite you inā€¦ I wonā€™t be able to.ā€
Steve rests his forehead against his, there is heat between them, ā€œBut I have you, right?ā€
ā€œYeah, took me a while to figure it out butā€¦ yeah. Yes. You have me, Steve. God, and I have you. And tomorrow, tomorrow youā€™re going to come over and pick me up at 6 in the evening so we can eat shitty pancakes at the diner.
And then weā€™ll figure this out together.ā€
Part 3 <šŸ’› End, thank you for reading and for all the feedback!
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