#or 'programming' if you will-it doesn't always mean sexual/romantic things

[mrdrhenwardhykle]

I'm just going to ramble in the tags don't mind me

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

Baz can't be trusted here (on unreliable narrators and the comphet of it all)

Something very notable to me is that time the author (when talking about how she approached the "love triangle" in CO) said that “it's normal to date people you’re not even attracted to” because yes. I immediately agreed with that when I read it, I've seen it in real life... but it kind of blew my mind anway, because you normally don’t expect a romance author to say that when talking about her characters, and you especially don't expect to see that portrayed in their work. It's not the expectation ("I can see Agatha and Simon are not into each other, but they must have been at the beginning" it's an assumption and an expectation." They never actually express that! "It wasn't always like this, it used to be good" it's never what's said! When Penny talks about their relationship seeing better days, she likely means their friendship, because she says "I don't believe they're in love." They express feeling like they're supposed to be with each other, that they're supposed to want it) (I can and have elaborated before but not here, that's not where I'm going right now) I think this is very important to identify and acknowledge because once you start with “not in love and not attracted, then why the hell they dated?” you arrive at so many answers about who these characters are and what they're looking for. About how a relationship that existed partly because they were trying to find a place in the world makes them feel more lost than ever, and how that's a good thing, because it means they're asking questions they never even imagined existed before, questions that will help them figure their shit out (and figuring it out what they don't want, which is what they had, it's also progress).

But what brings me here right now is Baz. When people want Simon and Agatha to be "real," (as in romantic and/or sexual) the arguments they bring up (it's normal to have romantic or sexual feelings for different people at different stages of your life, which is true, but it's not what's happened with them, we don't have to insist it is for their experience to be valid or to matter, comphet is a real thing that exists etc) are things Baz has very present. I mean, look at his family. He has heard the stories about their parents, and despite her aunts' best efforts, he sees his dad's relationship with his stepmum as valid and even good for the man. He expects Simon to have had romantic feelings for Agatha, and to have been attracted. Even when Simon it's voicing how wrong it all felt (including not feeling shit when he should probably had) Baz still assumes he must've been into her at some point. But note that these are assumptions to Simon comes to find upsetting, that he fights against when Baz voices them when it would be easier not to. I think the most telling part it's when Simon practically looks at the camera in the style of the office and says "what I liked about her is that I didn't like her" – it's comfortable that she didn't awake anything in him. It's safe that he didn't experience romantic or sexual feelings with her ever, because those feelings are too overwhelming to him, too dangerous. Note how he was always losing his shit around Baz, how he comes to believe, when he finally identifies those feelings, that Baz would be the death of him. Very telling too is that while Baz hears and accepts Simon's "nothing compares to you," what Simon reveals here (which can be sum up with "this is part of why he calls himself a baz-sexual") it's shocking. It's likely also hard to internalize, because Baz has programming he had to work against, which includes seeing himself as monstrous and undesirable.

Which brings me to the point about comfort: Agatha is comfortable because she didn't awaken anything in Simon. It's comfortable that he doesn't have to manage or process shit around her, he's perfectly chill in her presence (which is certainly not "baby is in love" or "baby is discovering attraction" behavior) (especially given Simon isn't known for restraint and being chill) (his behavior around Baz, however...) She's comfortable because she's a childhood friend, she's familiar and trusted. She's also uncomfortable. We could make a list of moments that reveal Simon's discomfort with her, which is less about her and more about just not really being comfortable with going through the motions of being her boyfriend (because he likes the idea of it, what it represents, but doesn't actually like being her boyfriend, hence him being "shitty" at it while being aware).

I have compared how Baz sees Simon comfortable beside her vs how he didn't see the discomfort that was very present between Simon and Agatha in a previous scene. I think the gist of it it's discomfort at being reminded of/being perceived as a couple vs comfort at being able to simply be friends again. Again, many reasons for Agatha to be comfortable (childhood friend, familiar, trusted, etc). It stands out but "the guy who's on edge 24/7 can be at ease around a childhood friend" it's probably not something that should stand out that much. It shouldn't affect Baz, and yet...

Here I'm reminded of a recent post where the author mentions Agatha and Simon's friendship won't ever be fully relaxed again (which I find easier to believe than the alternative). In that goat scene, there's comfort that's specifically about them being able to feel like friends again, free from outside pressure and influences... while, at the same time, we're reminded of the pressure, the optics that pushed together in the first place with Baz's thoughts. The framing alone makes it so it's not fully comfortable... and what are the current standards of comfort for those two anyway, given that they have been used to discomfort while dating? Given that this very moment is followed by some level of discomfort when both have their version of "what happened there is nothing to be jealous of, it's just a moment of friendship" with Niamh and Baz? How can we know if there isn't an undertone or some lingering awkwardness that's sort of brushed aside or pushed through in this particular moment? (Simon is shirtless until he gets close to Agatha, he's fully clothed then).

I've spent so much time noting the discomfort between those two (because of the comphet of it all) that it always stood out to me that Baz highlights comfort (hence that long ass posts) and while I don't think he's entirely wrong (for reasons already stated)... he's actually not someone who can be trusted to assess shit when it's about Simon and Agatha. Every time Simon processes or reaches conclusions about how wrong he felt dating her it's in Baz's presence (because he wants Baz to understand, even when he himself doesn't) but Baz is still affected. The wounds are still fresh. At this point, he has spent a longer time believing Simon was destined for someone else than he has spent believing Simon wants to be his. It fucks with his emotions and perception, even if he logically knows he should know better. There are years of programming he has to go against. He might be good at reading others in certain circumstances (clocked Shepard's deal with Penny pretty quickly) but the "golden couple" and interest in himself are huge blindspots. Note that he thought they were happy together even when Agatha explicitly told him otherwise (when Penny was observing the same thing and essentially saying "this isn't it, please go back to being friends" – granted, she was looking more closely, but still). Note that in this very moment, Baz is looking at them and being affected by the optics of them standing together, and how that very much would fuck with him (notable that that's how Simon describes the relationship too, optics! when he should be talking about feelings! as "a picture where I look like who I am supposed to be" and what are the feelings? "feeling like a fool" and expressing discomfort) (Niamh seems affected too, but she doesn't seem like one for nuance, or to be trusted in her perception either – doesn't she still calls Simon "her boyfriend" to Agatha despite being corrected?)

Baz links the image of them standing together to the sun. He has to look away. It burns. If you can't even look at something long enough... you won't notice the details.

So how can he be trusted in his perception of how comfortable Simon truly is, about the type of comfort he's feeling (because there's the bad type, the "turning off my brain and not pushing myself to figure out what actually want" type) and where that's coming from? If there's a struggle Simon is pushing (or attempting to push) through would he even notice? Or would he be too blinded, too burned to look closely?

[04tenno]

I have to admit I’m so unsure of what message they were trying to send with Nick Ogata

Looks classically fruity but I’m still… unsure

Well, they say if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck...

I think it goes past appearances, though. Of course, he does dress like a dandy (the same way Yokoyama first visualized Mine dressing, incidentally), and there's a certain flamboyant charm there. And he does have Those Mannerisms. You know the ones, I'm sure.

If that much seemed tenuous, the fact he frequents Earth Angel, more or less acts as Ichiban's "sugar daddy" over the course of the game, and is very excited to hear all about Ichiban's "date" with Arakawa while clearly under the impression Ichiban means it in a romantic sense (💀💀💀) leaves few doubts for most about what they were trying to get at.

But as always, I'd like to talk about queerness in the context of Japanese culture. Earth Angel no longer billed as an "okama bar," but that was part of its history, and the Champion District is also home to Drama Queen. Like I've touched on before, the "clustering" of LGBT-friendly establishments in the Champion District makes it more like a cross between Golden Gai (what it's actually based on) and Nicho (Shinjuku's hub of gay subculture), which naturally carries implications for regulars.

Another thing I've touched on before is wealth. Among the sexual minorities in Japan, gay men appear to have the highest ceiling for financial mobility. Characters like Nick and Mine, who've accrued more wealth than most other characters could even dream of, demonstrate that perfectly; the sums of money at the core of games like Yakuza and Yakuza 4 are pocket change to them. To a degree, this goes for Oda too, though in a cast of characters of characters who are also filthy rich, he doesn't stand out as much.

Those are pretty broad, of course, but there are a few things specific to Nick. For one, his theatricality and dramatics. In particular, his showmanship in the iconic finale scene stands out to me. There is a fair amount of crossover with queerness in Western culture here, so I'm sure it'll sound familiar. Let's see...

"Mainstream" visibility and acceptance of transgender identities and homosexuality in modern Japan first came to be through big spectacular televised events inviting queer entertainers to perform. And although these were joyful occasions that many were happy to see, the lack of seriousness in media in general has more or less lead to the generalization of queer people (mainly gay men and trans women) as entertainers and performers, theatrical, dramatic, camp.

To quote Queer Japanese, "Curiosity is the only driving force. Sexual minorities portrayed by media are funny and entertaining, but without real voice. The invitation of sexual minorities to the program by NHK satisfies the curiosity of viewers while also showing the viewers how open, accepting, and tolerant the media has become." This is the case for a lot of Japanese media, RGG included.

Another thing specific to Nick is that he's half-American and has clearly spent a lot of time stateside, being bilingual. Now, that might not sound related, but frequently in Japan you'll encounter the sentiment that being queer is a "foreigner thing"; many people are more willing to accept foreigners and the diaspora as being queer than the alternative. The sentiment lies at the intersection of too many ingrained assumptions to unpack here, but it's one that's reflected in characters like Nick (or even Mine, who is heavily Westernized himself.)

Analysis aside, the biggest instinctive "tell" for me was the attempt to subvert expectations with him dating women and enjoying their company (unlike Mine, for once). In attempting to subvert expectations, it's necessary to acknowledge the fact the expectations are there in the first place. So to me, Nick is a character who is crafted to set those expectations, and his character cannot be divorced from them.

And my reasoning may sound counter-intuitive, but... I'm not sure what man who's actually interested in women only dates them to refine them to their best selves and then immediately breaks up with them. It's like, he only gets in relationships knowing they'll end and he'll be the one to do it, and that's not only fine with him, but the appeal. So it kind of just circles back around to being pretty gay.

While I'm here, Nick is partly based on this guy from RGGO (whose name I never bothered to learn/remember, but I assume he has one.)

Neat.

[kreeperslash]

Journal/Memories Pt. 1

i don't really know how this works on here I don't know whether I should make this public or keep it private. So I'll just keep it as whatever settings it on. (bear in mind I like to ramble a lot and my words or whatever won't make any sense at times other than to me). These post will be a double story (a real story of my life between two people named E (me) and C (you'll get a explanation of this person)

My name is E. Male, demi-sexual/romantic, will be 30 this year (Capricorn), born in Mexico but raised in the U S. (I came illegally at barely a year old it's hard to say I don't recall I just repeat what my family has told me) And was under the DACA program, animal lover,degree in business, alien enthusiast, tarot card reader, anime/manga nerd, I collect figures, I am a big gamer, I want to get better at the things I love and want to learn more like DIY/baking/gardening.

The other person in my post I'll bring up a lot is C the one and only person I truly have ever love and will only love (my soul mate and the person I always choose in each life time of they actually happen). Born and raised in Australia, silly, clumsy (I'm way more clumsier than them), tarot believer, gamer (sims, lol, other life sims, story games), collecting stuffies, cat lover, unicorn.

I fell in love with a person which I'll leave as C. We met through a online social game named Smallworlds. Funny is that we met through an accident on my end since I ended up in the wrong room. While clicking around to the actual room I needed to be in C approached me without me realizing that they were. Then a simple question was asked "Are you a lesbian?" My avatar is clearly male and usually I would ignore things like this and move on, but C something about them was different I can't explain it besides the fact that they are special in a way. I gave a response and we slowly talked more and more and I forgot my original plan of going to meet up someone else in a different room. Realize this game was a flash 2010s social game stuff that doesn't really exist anymore now a days. It was at the end of 2016 or 2017 that we met btw. Room was a Burger King and we started to mess with people saying the meat was people and convincing people that we are going to murder them and make them into burgers for laughs and jokes.

I don't know how long we spend playing around but you know how all things end you usually leave and never meet the person again or just casually add each other and forget. No not C they wanted to not only add me in game but add me on Kik if I had it, again I would really never add people outside of games unless I knew them well but C was special and I did.

I'll continue my story of me and C in another post for now but I'll let you know what's actually going on now. I moved to Australia to marry them fucked it all up because I have severe mental health issues that thought I get through and solve here but no my anxiety and depression has gripped me too hard and I've push C to their limits that we need to be apart for a while so that I can grow and improve myself without using them as a crutch. Since I left the US while under DACA I nullified my chances of going back to the US and I knew this and I still chose to be with C. But even if I stayed in the US to try to fix myself it wouldn't have happened my family, my family is so much of a crutch also in a different way like a crutch that actively makes you wanna trip (I hope to explain this in another post for now I'll just keep it simple). So now I'll be going back to my home city in Mexico in one of the top 10 deadliest cities in the whole country. I hope to become better through my own means and not using C as a crutch because that's not a relationship that I want them to see it as I want it to be one where they are holding my hands and making them feel what they should.

I guess that gets stuff out of the way about me and where this will go. I'm hoping that this string (that a good way to put it?) of post about my journey for self improvement and telling the story of me and C as well.

[grishaverse-chaos]

Does it matter whether her trust in him is tied to a specific situation? I'd argue that the same is true of most trust unless you have a very close relationship.

Lemme give you an analogy here. I'm close with my History teacher - I know a lot about her and she's the biggest reason why I enjoy History classes. I even baked her brownies for her birthday! I'd definitely say that I trust her. But if I got proof that she was an immortal evil mass murderer, I think I would... you know, stop trusting her. So even if Alina did trust the Darkling, it's entirely understandable that she stops after Baghra's reveal.

I literally gave you a quote where she says she wants to save the world?? (Also, destroying the Fold doesn't fix all of Ravka's problems, sure, but you're acting like the Fold isn't a problem at all, which is blatantly untrue. Even if she doesn't solve all Ravka's problems, she's one person (and a teenager at that) so I'd say that focusing on one problem that she has the specific skillset to solve is a pretty good idea.)

Trust should usually go both ways, but I would argue that in canon it's the Darkling who doesn't trust Alina. Now, in canon he's right not to because his plan is fucking evil and she wouldn't go along with it willingly. Alina, on the other hand, shouldn't trust the Darkling because he is plotting to enslave her power.

The creation of the Fold was a mass murder, even in book canon. The volcra used to be people. True, Baghra says that this was a mistake on the Darkling's part, but it's a pretty big mistake to make!

(And while true, modern standards of morality don't apply to the Grishaverse, I think we can all agree that an adult man with a shit ton of institutional power having a romantic or sexual relationship with a teenage girl who he is technically in command of is... a bit dodgy.)

She still does worry about the practicality of running away, and while she may not worry about being chased by druskelle, she takes precautions to be unnoticeable, which - even if she didn't intend to - means they don't find her.

I'm guessing you're being sarcastic? Please give me some proof that the Darkling used his power to negotiate with the monarchy after the creation of the Little Palace. Please, I'm dying to hear it.

Yes, it's specifically stated in Rule of Wolves that Makhi started the experiments before becoming Queen. Have you even read the books? And of course Ravkans would love to generalise that onto the whole of Shu Han, but it's also specifically stated that ordinary Shu citizens do not know about this experimentation.

"We fulfill this debt by honoring our treaty and agreeing to support the rights of all Grisha."

It's understandable that Leyti doesn't want to involve Shu Han in the war, and it's also understandable that she doesn't want to create mass panic by making the khergud public!

Besides, it's stated pretty clearly that she had an agreement with Fjerda first! Clearly, it was Makhi who made false promises, and Leyti who is forced to deliver the bad news to our protagonists. So they ARE honouring their word - it just happens to inconvenience the main characters, unfortunately.

Also, I'd like to point out that stopping the khergud program is a pretty significant concession, both in terms of cost to the Shu government, and in terms of meaningfulness for the rights of Grisha. (That's slightly clumsily worded, but you get the gist.)

You can (not always, obviously, but in some cases) influence prejudiced people by getting to know them. I've mentioned this before - most horrible people do truly believe that they're doing the right thing, and sometimes (SOMETIMES) it is possible to change their minds with empathy/compassion.

(Also, plenty of people will ignore their own biases in order to form an alliance which might be beneficial to them in some way.)

Yes, the military industrial complex is inherently unethical, and I am personally opposed to murder no matter whether or not it's state-sanctioned. You'll undoubtedly say that this is a naïve and/or idealistic position, but "murder is bad" is kind of ethics 101.

What other options would she have had? He's more powerful, and has more soldiers behind him. If she wants to avoid having her powers enslaved, she really doesn't have very many choices.

Of course I don't believe that Fjerda or Shu Han are innocent of mass murder!! I literally NEVER said that. I think ALL mass murder is bad, actually. (And if you don't think that, I'm slightly concerned.) Of course I care about the nameless innocents who get killed by Ravka's enemies!

I do also think that killing innocent civilians of any other nationality would be bad. Using the Fold on Fjerda would still be a mass murder, and would still be wildly unethical.

No, I don't think soldiers deserve to die either. You can sum up my point of view as "all people deserve to live". (And a government certainly shouldn't have the power to decide who lives or dies.)

And finally, the reason why you think I believe there's only one person to blame for the mass murders that take place is because........ this is a conversation about one specific mass murder, committed by the Darkling.

Like??? Of course I blame Jarl Brum and the Fjerdan monarchy, of course I blame King Alexander/Pyotr and General Zlatan, of course I blame the Shu government - for the murders THEY COMMIT OR AUTHORISE.

But this is a conversation specifically about the mass murder committed by the Darkling in the Fold, so yeah, no shit I'm focusing on that!

I’ve posted similar thing on Darklina over a year ago (Still no answer.), but I’ll try anyway:

What would be a morally correct, REALISTIC solution of Ravkan situation:

war with both neighbours, both better supplied and developed

separatist movement on West

no money

not enough workforce to support both army and economy

no other resources

ruling nobility using the little you have on luxury

precarious position of the minority you happen to also belong to (No other country to move to.)

servitude

huge area inhospitable and uninhabitable with possible solution tied to theoretical appearance and co-operation of a single person

general distrust or outright hatred towards your person

Now, tell me how to deal with such a situation in a way that wouldn’t involve “death of innocents”, use of the Fold or throwing Grisha under the bus?

@antis, mostly

[still-a-morosexual-help]

Hello! I wanted to know your opinion on a pairing. How do you feel about Mammon being paired with Mephistopheles?

Hi! I didn't know people shipped it but it's really not for me. I don't really care what other people ship so I hardly ever dislike a ship even if I don't ship it but now that you brought this to my attention - turns out it's one of those ships I just don't like :/

I'm usually big on canon facts and what those add up to (even if canon says "actually no♡" eg: all the evidence that Diavolo's into Lucifer despite canon saying he's into MC cos this is a dating sim) so for me Mephisto × Mammon doesn't really make sense...

I'll breakdown why I personally don't like it under the cut, so if someone sees this and gets pissed it's their fault :D

1. They genuinely dislike each other? And I'm usually up for enemies to friends to lovers (very much so! Probably my favourite ship trope! No matter how fucked up it is *gently sweeps my batman fics under the rug*) but umm not this time around... It just rubs me wrong for some reason🤷🏻

2. Mephisto called Mammon an idiot

• During the lesson where Mammon outsmarted EVERYONE

• Mammon genuinely gets upset when people call him an idiot (to the point that I had to write a 6k fix it fic after MC did so)

3. The first time we see Mammon & Mephisto interact is when Mammon comes to MC's defense because Mephisto is being a little shit to MC/kinda picking on them being human. Ever since then Mammon reacts like "🙄" whenever Mephisto enters the room.

a.) this is hilarious I'm so sorry

b.) Mephisto is one of the people who still didn't like MC being part of the exchange program and this is how Mammon (the least violent of the brothers even when violence is warrented) reacts to said people;

c.) the whole thing gives the energy of your best friend catching someone being a shit to you (in this case (fantasy) racist) and holding a grudge against them for you

4. Mammon's canonically had sexual partners before MC but no long lasting romantic partners. There are 3 things that canonically made Mammon attracted to MC as a romantic partner. Mephisto goes against 2 of those 3 things;

a.) Being kind towards Mammon

• Mammon has commented on MC's kindness to him multiple times - even commenting on how weird it is because no one else is that nice to him

• He has commented multiple times on how he can always count on MC & how they're the only one there for him

• This leads to him kind of listening to MC's advice above others because he trusts them - closing his eyes for his b'day surprise in 2020, steering the ship in the pirate event etc

• Whenever MC is even the slightest bit (genuinely - not in a teasing manner) mean to him it really hurts him and he shows it

• In the "Thanksgiving" event Mammon said the thing he values most about MC is their kindness towards him

• Mephisto has not being kind towards Mammon and has called him an idiot or something close, while in front of Mammon, at least twice

b.) Being partners in crime

• Mammon has singled MC out as his partner in crime at least twice (has actually used those exact words)

• He constantly takes them along on his schemes and/or ideas

• He needs someone there to go along with his shit

• I don't see Mephisto doing this at all?????? A person who is so rich they've never seen a hamburger before is not going to spend a day selling stolen tea on the sidewalk or stay up all night designing clothes or subject themselves to repeatedly pricking their fingers while trying and failing to mass produce hand sown panda bear plushies

5. Mephisto actually dislikes Lucifer

• For however much Mammon & Lucifer may fight, they're each others favourite brother. Mammon does care about Lucifer and what he thinks of Mammon.

• Mammon has tried multiple times to get MC & Lucifer to be closer (from setting them up on a date in a devilgram to finding the necklace MC gave Lucifer during his b'day to commenting on how MC & Lucifer should have a more enthusiastic reaction to each other when meeting after a while apart in the main story to telling MC where to find Lucifer when he was upset despite being pissed at Lucifer himself)

• Mammon absolutely needs someone he can honestly talk about Lucifer with (they have so many unaddressed issues that the game hints at but never goes in depth) and he does this with MC - from complaining about Lucife to talking about how great Lucifer is as a brother

6. Whatever the "love triangle" between Mephisto-Diavolo-Lucifer is

• You've played the game, you've seen it

• They get enchanted to dream about their fantasies and Mephisto dreams about Diavolo?????

• Lucifer is the only one who matches Mammon in the "oh god it's Mephisto🙄" department

• Mephisto & Lucifer's continuous dick measuring matches???? The way if Mephisto wasn't a nobleman and Lucifer wasn't literal Pride they would have thrown hands by now

So yeah, not my cuppa.

I don't ship it but Mephisto × Satan makes more sense only because they'll do it to piss the fuck outta Lucifer

[villainess-supremacy]

headcanons of the four lords celebrating pride for the first time with their s/o

notes: you told them that it's pride month and asked if they would like to celebrate with you. none of them have ever celebrated pride before. I made the lords and s/o queer because I can

type: sfw, gender and sexuality of the s/o are not specified

tw/cw: slight mention of alcohol, blood, lgbtphobes

requests: open

Alcina Dimitrescu

her daughters have mentioned pride month before, but she's not sure what it entails exactly

you gladly explain it to her in detail!

she loves the idea since she is fruity herself loves celebrating for such a wonderful reason

you being part of it makes it so much better

and a whole month?? she's in

she would love to go to pride events with you, but she's afraid other mortals will be scared of her due to her height so you decide to just have your own celebrations in the castle

you love watching movies together so you show her all of your favorite queer movies and shows

you bought a pride flag to hang up below the balcony in the entrance hall

she loves the smile on your face when you proudly look up at it

"maybe we should extend pride to be all year if it makes you this happy, my love."

she already regularly gives you presents, but during the entirety of pride month she additionally leaves little gifts for you in your shared bedroom, the kitchen and all of your favorite places in the castle

and that daily

if there is any queer owned shop you like she will literally buy their entire stock

if there are any charities you mention she will gladly donate in your name and give you the certificate as a surprise

she realizes that something about June just makes her want you even more in general, in the private chambers, whichever is up to you wink wink

as a surprise she decides to make a special wine without blood of course named after you and your sexuality/gender if you use labels, but in fancy Latin words

she loves to drink, but of course watches over you so you don't have too much

mortals don't process it as well as she does...

if you come across any lgbtphobes and are noticeably saddened she will be there to distract you right away

everyone who dares to make her love sad will feel her wrath! be ignored since they're not worth her time

but if she finds out that anyone in the village doesn't support you or anyone who is part of the lgbt community, they will be forced asked to vacate their home

she will pamper you and shower you with her love even more

you once jokingly say "be gay do crime and turn maidens into wine" and she makes it her new motto but she's serious about it

Donna Beneviento

she knows a couple things about pride since she reads a lot, but you're so excited to tell her about it she simply lets you talk

you'd love to go to pride events with her but she's too shy and tends to have anxiety attacks when around too many strangers so she sends Angie instead

afterwards she will gladly listen to both of you tell her all about it!

she has her own collection of books that have queer characters in them which she never told anyone about before you and will read all of them with you if you like

there will be regular dates picnics while Angie takes care of the house

she's a cottage core sapphic and pride month brings out that side of her more

she has made dolls for you before, but this time she makes one that looks just like you

it has a pride flag embroidered on the top above the heart

of course you love it!

you're so glad that she accepts every part of you

she will make one of herself with a similar outfit and a small pride flag as well so she can set them up in couple settings

ever since she found out about online shopping it has opened up a whole new world for her so she will definitely get both of you matching outfits or jewelry from an lgbt owned shop

you love doing arts and crafts together so you suggest making bracelets for each other, either color coded or with letters

Donna's house has a flagpole she hasn't used in decades, but for you she'd gladly call for maintenance if it turns out it's unusable after all these years to hang a pride flag

anything to make you happy!

if there are any lgbtphobes bothering you or your friends, she will be right there to comfort you and won't hesitate to send Angie and her other dolls she can control to deal with them

even if you tell her that it's fine and she should just ignore them she's great at distracting you so you wouldn't notice until it's done oops-

since she has no portable device that can access music streaming platforms, but knows the password to your phone she decides to steal it for a bit and makes you the softest playlist that you since then often play for comfort

Salvatore Moreau

he has spent decades almost completely separated from humans so he has no idea what pride month means, but instantly agrees to it because he loves you so much

he will agree to anything that makes you happy

you both sit down and he looks at you with puppy eyes while you tell him all about pride

he loves the idea of celebrating a group of people you both are a part of

he thinks you deserve your own month to be cherished and celebrated!

he may be a little awkward with expressing his feelings, but he sure knows how to prepare a romantic dinner

with mother miranda needing all of the lords a lot to assist her, he usually barely has time to prep food, but for pride month he does his best to cook for you every single day

part of his usual outfit is a cape to cover his back and a type of crown made out of bones and rope

he's not the best with his hands, but he makes a crown for you that resembles his anyway because you're his queen/king/majesty

you love it so much!

you want to give him something in return so you go to the village and visit the shop you know is lgbt owned and get him a custom necklace with a fish pendant that has your initials engraved

he literally bursts out in tears because he is so touched :c

when you started dating he initially was scared of what you would think about his giant fish form, but you turned out to be really impressed and love it and since you'd be tiny compared to him he suggests taking you on an adventure of sorts

meaning you sit on his back while he swims around the lake which is like a roller coaster ride but more wet

he leads you to a hut you never visited before and he shows you treasures he has collected when he was still mortal

he starts making a list of things you could do and stays up all night to complete it but ends up with so many activities and ideas to celebrate pride you'll have to extend pride month... by possibly years....

if he hears about anyone being mean to you he'll just encase them into the blobs of gooey mass he can make but you don't need to know about that, pride month or not

he has always wanted to propose to you so he might be able to work up the courage to hint at it by the end of June

Karl Heisenberg

of course he knows about pride month!

he knows more than you might think

he isn't considered the rebel child for no reason

in the past he has done some celebration for himself, but it was never anything too special

he thinks it's no fun alone and his experiments servants aren't much fun

sure he could program them, but unless it's to attack something they're not really... party animals

since he has you now he'll gladly give it another go!

he'd love to go to pride events with you, especially if you go to drag shows

he didn't know about them before you made him go to one

something about them fascinates him so much, he's more excited than you

he's not really into cooking, but nothing will stop him from making you a nice breakfast in bed

you always love watching him work on his machines because he likes to take off his shirt when he's hot seeing him do what he loves makes you happy

so he decides to gift you some robots to assist you with your everyday endeavors

it's not really necessary but of course you appreciate the gesture

it means more time to spend with him after all

he once sees you with a keychain that has a pride flag on it so he paints it on one of his machines that he uses more often

mostly he will end the day by having a drink and dancing with you

it's a celebration, so celebrate he will

if you're more in the mood for chilling on the couch he won't say no to watching some queer shows or movies

after working on his machines he has a way of just melting into your arms

if he sees you smile at certain scenes in movies he might attempt to do the same with you

of course you notice, but you definitely can't complain especially if you smile on purpose at the spicier scenes

anyone who will come between you and happily celebrating pride will be visited by Sturm banned from his factory and getting anywhere near you

he likes to name his subjects so he will start naming them after all of your favorite queer historical figures, activists and famous people in general

any smile he can get out of you is a win

a win for the gays you might say

when he was younger he may have had a phase of spraying graffiti around the village so you're not surprised when he goes around his factory and writes "be gay do crime" on several of his machines and doors

[windbournefree]

AARON SORKIN'S "WOMAN PROBLEM" AND THE NEWSROOM

After binging on The Newsroom (and loving it) created by Aaron Sorkin I got to thinking about his reputed "woman problem" when some YouTube commenter described all the female characters on the show as "twits." That's a characterization I strongly disagree with, and will show why, but also can't shake the intuitive sense that his portrayal is rightly controversial. By that I mean it is right that it should be a matter of discussion, not that it is necessarily wrong. The people holding the discussion need to decide that for themselves.

First the bald facts. Women in this drama hold power: Leona founded and still owns the company, Mackenzie is the Executive Producer of the network's flagship news program with a male second-in-command and many male staff, Sloan is the acknowledged smartest person in the company with far more lucrative prospects awaiting her should she choose them, Maggie is promoted instantly from a personal aide to an associate producer by a woman despite her youth and inexperience. Women are in leadership roles with real power that they do exercise.

In their relationships to men, the women in The Newsroom engage in give and take.

Mackenzie may look at Will like a doe-eyed schoolgirl at times but she's in love with him and is self-recriminating about previous behaviors. She isn't like that with any other male characters. Even with Will she frequently takes charge and makes him follow her direction, which he does. Mac exercises real power in her relationship with Will from episode one on. When Will doles out his "punishments" she only takes them to the degree that she believes she should. She holds the power at any time to say, "That's enough!" which she does in regards to the engagement ring. When she does that he realizes he's gone too far and changes his behavior.

Maggie coddles Don in most of the scenes we see of them and breaks up with him mostly in scenes we don't see. I'd venture to guess that the early breakups happen because the relationship has no room for her passion and she gets tired of soothing his ego to make things work. In contrast, Maggie's drawn to Jim because he awakens and allows room for her passion. Most employees who confront and yell at their bosses as much as she does with Jim would be suspended and/or fired. He lets her get away with it to a degree because he recognizes that that same passion drives her to become an excellent journalist. And because he likes her. Both are true. Every once in awhile he has to reprimand her in public to assert authority over his team or it gives permission to his other staff to behave the same way. Maggie is no shrinking violet. She is strong and self-directed and refuses to allow a man to control her. Most of her errors come from inexperience and human frailty. None of them occur because she's a woman.

Sloan clearly wears the pants in her relationship to Don which, to his surprise, he doesn't mind. Ever once in awhile, though, they switch roles or just relate as equals. Don goes from dating the young intern who part of him wants to dominate to dating the highly intelligent, self-directed professional who no man can dominate and becomes a better version of himself as a result. Sloan's errors in her first broadcast about Fukushima occur not because she is scared by Will as a man but because she's scared by him as respected professional. His gender doesn't matter to her. When Charlie yells at her about it she tells him strongly, "Do not call me 'girl,' sir!" And that's to the head of the News Division.

Leona clearly rules the roost and fights with Charlie as an equal or as a subordinate, never as a superior. They fight the way old friends do.

In no respect are women as a class portrayed as inferior or subordinate to the power of men. So why do I get that intuitive itch that there's something old-fashioned about Sorkin's writing on gender relations?

I think it's that some of the male characters in The Newsroom tend to be the carriers of logic and reasoning while the female characters tend to be the carriers of emotional expression. This isn't always true: Sloan is highly logical (while also passionate) and Charlie is highly emotional (while also reasonable) and Neal carries both in balance. It's certainly true, however, of the Jim & Maggie relationship which is intended as a reflection of the older Will & Mackenzie one. Remember how, in episode one, Mackenzie points out Maggie to Jim and tells him that she's a younger version of her before she grew into herself and got hotter with age? And why has Jim long been Mackenzie's choice for supervising producer? Could it be because he reminds her of Will? I think so. I also think it's fair to assume that Sorkin does not intend for that rational/emotional dichotomy to typify all gender relations since he gives us alternate examples. More likely it's because Sorkin is a brainy guy who prefers an emotionally expressive woman to bring balance into his life. When he writes romance it comes out of who he is, what he likes. That's how he connects to the material at a feeling level. Some viewers may prefer a flip on those traditional associations and the Don & Sloan relationship may have been his attempt to provide that. It's not where Sorkin feels at his strongest or most natural, though, so he writes what he knows.

There ARE problems with The Newsroom, though, that I think if addressed would have reduced criticism. In no way should bosses be allowed to date subordinates over whose careers they have an influence. The producers decide what stories are aired. The career of a journalist rises and falls with the number and quality of stories they get aired. Dating a subordinate in this environment is a breach of ethics and most professional workplace standards. To be fair, Maggie was first an intern then a personal aide and only became an associate producer (journalist) as Don was on his way out so it wasn't a total breach; definitely in the gray area, though. The sexual tension between Jim and Maggie, obvious to everyone (as Sloan pointed out in the finale), often broke out into open conflict. Mackenzie should have addressed this conflict as their supervisor but instead encouraged it. As Jim points out it was Mac's idea for him to get together with Maggie in the first place. Again, it was Mac's advice to Jim to "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" that led to his and Maggie's first kiss and then Jim deciding this was wrong. Mackenzie's regrets about her relationship with Will colored her judgment and led her to offer advice that may have been okay coming from a friend but was inappropriate coming from a supervisor. She could have been rightly disciplined or even fired by HR if found out. Jim does decide that he can't date a subordinate however he feels but Mac should have intervened and threatened to move one of them out if they couldn't handle the tension in a professional manner. In the series finale Jim offers the Supervising Producer position to the woman he's in love with. How is that not an HR violation? How would Maggie's career not be dogged by rumors of "sleeping her way to the top" if she accepts it?

The other thing is the way emotional conflicts between several of the characters break out into office wide battles. Talk about an unsafe working environment! I can't see how the entire management staff wasn't fired on an almost weekly basis. And when Mackenzie commends Maggie for her loyalty by saying she wouldn't complain to HR if her hair was on fire I cringed. Is that the message you want to send out in a #MeToo world?

Aaron Sorkin says he likes to write "very romantically, very idealistically." The chaos in the newsroom is intended for laughs, not to be taken as a serious reflection of a workplace. The characters are flawed and frequently do not do what they should. The lack of HR supervision is even mentioned by a character in season one so there's awareness that liberties are being taken. I don't think there's an inherent woman problem here, just a production not as sensitive as it might be to the struggles women face in the workplace. There are good reasons why "no dating" policies are in place, why it's unprofessional to carry your personal life into the workplace. Workplace comedies routinely feature HR nightmares for the sake of laughs: Brooklyn 99 is a good example. We don't take them seriously. It's the sheer intelligence of The Newsroom and the realistic setting that may make the comedy part seem more serious than it is. Personally I see the show as a kind of joyful fantasy; Sports Night without the canned laughter. If you can separate the fantastic from the realistic I think you'll find that The Newsroom is actually very empowering for women.

[truthisgoldenau]

IT'S PRIDE MONTH

for a moment there I accidentally had Pierce's photo under Marian's name oop

Time to officially confirm some AU canon LGBT stuff! Each character is their own pride flag but I'll add in other stuff that's canon in universe plus some bonus stuff at the bottom.

First up is Freddy Fazbear Jr! Gay all the way.

He's definitely the "move I'm gay" type

Was honestly super freaked out to tell his dad but went with the bold approach of bringing home his first boyfriend and blatantly announcing their relationship as such as a challenge and was honestly surprised his dad wasn't bothered by it

He was around 13 at the time and so the twins and Fred were still in touch with Maddie's parents and brother. All three were incredibly supportive (and still would be)

He absolutely had a crush on Bonnie Burnette even though he had never talked to him. Since the twins and Bonnie went to the same high school he knew of Bonnie, thought he was a dreamboat, but because Bonnie was somehow in with the popular kids (it was the money 100%) Freddy didn't even bother

Frankie Fazbear! My ace son! (The ears are wrong blame the app lol)

Honestly doesn't even know he's ace until much later

He's had crushes before but he's never been in a relationship (part of it is the attempt to communicate since he's mute sort of stops him)

He wasn't even sure it was worth mentioning to his dad so Fred never knew

This boy can hold so much love in his heart but he's not a very physical person that's all

Fred Fazbear Sr! YES. HE'S BI.

Only Maddie even knew he was bi. That he knew of. Some people probably figured it out with his over the top always on personality.

Fred was constantly sure that Pierce picked up on it particularly after the Christmas mistletoe fiasco but if Pierce gave a shit he never said anything.

Frankly it was amazing that more people didn't pick up on it. He was over the top about everything until a point.

While he didn't overreact to his son very blatantly announcing he had a boyfriend, he was very proud of him. It was a very Fazbear family way to come out. Even though he got so distant, he was always proud of his boys.

Bonnie Burnette! Also bi!

Being constantly surrounded by the popular crowd and always being the sort of stand out with purple hair and stupid purple bunny ears didn't do much to make Bonnie feel like he could even tell anyone he was bi.

Really the only reason he was even in the popular crowd was he was rich.

It made him less of a target for bullies at least cause the jocks wouldn't stand for anyone messing with him.

Knew Frankie from math class and honestly wished he could have talked to the quiet kid with bear ears as an alternative to the entirety of the popular group

Sort of in the background of the AU story very quietly develops a crush on Freddy and then thinks "oh God I like the troublemaker NO"

Chandler Cicily! Lesbian!

Would absolutely describe her sexuality as "girls"

She's starting to discover it during the AU (even if it's not a topic that comes up but that's why there's this post about stuff lmao).

She's the baby of the group since she's 16 when the story starts and relationships aren't important to her yet

But the crew still support her when later she's like "maybe I just wanna bake things for a cute girl and let her put flowers in my hair is that too much to ask" (Marian always chimes in with "mood")

Marian Mengele! An absolute bi icon!

Listen, her one goal in life may be to find her lost childhood friend, but that doesn't mean she's solely interested in this one Irish redhead

That said she's definitely only dated redheads

She's not afraid to be open about her orientation. It doesn't bother her. She's seen as weird already what can it hurt.

That said she falls for Finn so goddamn fast when she finds him that she questions herself and then is like "no wait I'm definitely not straight"

She's very upfront with Finn about it. There's no reason to hide this from him (or anyone) and if they're a thing she wants him to know.

Finn being the wonderful human being still loves her and it doesn't bother him. Why should it? He's just happy to be with someone who loves him.

Chetana might be Chandler's fake big sister but Marian is like fake mama when it comes to Chandler finally coming out.

God bless Finn for being the kind of person to sit and let Marian braid his hair with flowers because that's one of Marian's favorite things to do when her partner has longer hair and Finn's never really bothered with keeping his hair short THESE TWO ARE ICONIC I love them

Pierce Graves! A shitty pansexual icon

First off he absolutely knew that Fred wasn't 100% straight he had no idea how it wasn't immediately obvious to everyone

That said Pierce literally did not give a shit who knew about his sexuality

As shitty as his whole personality was he could turn on the charm easily

His parents definitely knew but he was already a punk ass rebellious teen at the time so they have him the "be careful, don't get anyone pregnant" talk and worried from afar. If it bothered them, Pierce never knew because they made sure that he could still count on them (even though at the time Pierce didn't really talk to them much about anything)

Fred absolutely knew though I mean they were good friends

He's not a romantic. He's never really had a meaningful relationship because he's not that type of person. To be honest, there's a piece of him that saw relationships that worked and wondered how that would feel but he knew that wasn't for him. He figured that out way early on when he asked his granddad why he didn't have a grandma and Mortimer Graves didn't sugarcoat the answer. "She wasn't happy with me. I gave her the choice. She could stay and be miserable with my lack of a decent personality even though I was already struggling to not be such an ass or she could go and find someone who actually made her happy. She chose happiness, and while it sucks that she drifted out of my life and your dad's, she's better off."

Pierce could frankly always tell that he was more like his granddad and as much as he sometimes wanted to know if he could even out up with a meaningful relationship, he avoided it. Better to not hurt anyone and wonder than to become the catalyst for someone else to overcome, right?

Fritz Smith! Gay!

The shy bumbling mechanic of the early 90s Freddy's ? Gay? It's more likely than you think

He was still far in the closet in the 90s He was young, living at home still because he had just gotten out of school, and while his parents weren't super conservative, he also didn't know how they'd take it

Found a friend in the day guard Mike Schmidt early on. Mike was looking for a roommate since his last one had moved out and Fritz jumped at the chance

They are like totally boyfriends by the time they cameo in the story though

Mike Schmidt! Another gay icon!

Mostly invited Fritz to live at his apartment because he felt bad that this poor shy mechanic was getting constantly harangued about the animatronics having problems

Was glad to let Fritz complain about it and even cry it was very stressful but Fritz needed the money

Mike liked him. It would be hard not to really. Fritz was a sweetheart.

Mike didn't ask him out till much later though he wasn't quite sure that Fritz was gay and didn't want to ruin their friendship.

Luckily it didn't and as it turns out they worked well in a relationship.

Fritz's parents had to take some time to get used to it when finally Fritz got the nerve to tell them but as soon as they did there was no end of support from them

Mike's parents were the opposite which was mainly why he already lived by himself but oh well he got a cute boyfriend and cool parents-in-law later it was kind of a win

Daniel Hartford-Dunn! Gay!

Presenting Maddie's older brother!

outside universe fact, he's loosely based in my actual cousin who lives in California with his husband.

He's 7 years older than Maddie was. Despite that, they were still close. Maddie's parents wanted more kids but struggled to get the two they had.

He's an accountant for a corporation and his boyfriend (and later his husband) is a pilot.

Last time he saw his nephews in person was at Maddie's funeral. He misses them terribly but over the years less and less contact came from his brother in law

Sometime in 2006 though he ends up getting a call from his nephews and there's this great reunion.

He's just. This chill older guy. Who loves his family. And doesn't care what people think.

Since I can't put anymore photos, here's the bonus content!

-as mentioned last night Dr. Phillip Guy is on the ace spectrum. I don't have anymore details about that at the moment unfortunately.

-Charlie Emily is a lesbian. The Emily twins were born in 1980. They haven't appeared in the AU yet even as cameos but they exist. Considering in AU canon the Emily family is alive and well in Hurricane, Utah without an Afton to be found, Charlie's dating her childhood friend Jessica at around the time the AU events are happening.

-Sammy Emily is trans and bi. Both Henry and his wife (who I know I at one point named but don't remember what it is anymore) love their two daughters to pieces.

That said I'll make a post at a later point introducing the Emily family because so far I've only officially given the design for Henry and not the rest.

In line with canon, Spring Bonnie/Springtrap can be counted as gay.

While Fred kept the shows at the diner pretty simple and straightforward, there was definitely this subtle underlying idea that Spring Bonnie and Fredbear were a content gay couple although if asked it was easy to present them as friends. At least, that was during '81-'82

However!

Fred also had Henry help him program in a special one time only song called Springtime for his and Maddie's anniversary in 1983, which was of course a love song. Fred always thought of that as being mostly for his wife, and partially as a turning point thematically for the two characters.

Henry was on board with this. They still kept it subtle, but there were clear moments where it was pretty much certain that the only way to interpret Spring Bonnie and Fredbear was as a couple. It was either so subtle that no one was bothered or Spring Bonnie's chosen voice was so ambiguously non-binary that no one thought it was odd.

Fred had plans for it to become more "canon" but never got to implement them since Spring Bonnie got damaged before he could.

Springtrap, being sentient and able to later interpret his emotions, is very confused about how he as a machine was meant to feel about this character he knew but the more sentient he becomes the more aware he is that he misses Fredbear and that he loved him. It's the cause of a lot of internal conflict for him. But he can be counted in the category of LGBT characters in the AU.

Happy pride month ya'll! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[nerdygaymormon]

Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1)   I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2)   I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3)   I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4)   I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.  

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5)   BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6)   The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7)   After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8)   In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9)   Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10)   The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11)   I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12)   I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13)   Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14)   In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me. 

15)   To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16)   A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17)   Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18)   In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19)   Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20)   My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21)   Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22)   I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23)   It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24)   I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25)   I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.

[heyybabyjude]

"Momming" During the "Me Too" Era

Being a mother during the "Me Too" era has got to be one of the scariest things in the universe. I'm not afraid or concerned that my son might one day be falsely accused. I'm worried that my son could potentially slip up because I haven't done my job as his mother. If you have a daughter, due to the times we're living in, you have to arm her with the knowledge to protect herself should she ever get into a dangerous and/or predatory situation. If you have a son, there's any overwhelming pressure to start thinking about how you'll teach him about safe sex, consent, and respecting women's personal boundaries - all things missing from modern sex education programs.

Not only am I a mother, but I'm a sexual assault survivor. It is very important to me that my son understands his future peers/partners boundaries. I've been trying to think of a way we can facilitate prevention of incidents, especially those among young people, involving sexual assault.

The first and most important way to me is a much more vast sex education program. We need a program that teaches kids more than just to wait until they're adults and married to have sex because no matter what, our youth are going to experiment. We need to teach students more about birth control. We need to teach students more about healthy sexual relationships and how peer pressure into sex before their ready is manipulation and abuse. We need to teach kids that gender and sexual orientation are infinitely more complex subjects to talk about at this time, but they still need to be discussed and we still need to teach tolerance so they know that people who identify as queer people do not need to be "scared straight". Sexual assault affects transgender and non-straight people in a much different and more violent way.

We DESPERATELY need to teach more about birth control for a variety of reasons including but not limited to preventing unwanted teenage pregnancy, the spread of disease, and for young women to develop and begin having control over their bodies.

We need to teach boys and young men about respecting women. When sexual assault occurs, it's generally an entitlement or dominance issue. If we were doing a better job at teaching our boys to respect women, they wouldn't grow up believing that women are the weaker, insuperior sex. We need to start teaching our boys that women and men should be considered equally valuable to society. Yes, there are situations where men are usually superior to women and vice versa. The contributions of one gender do not take away from those of another. We often forget that as a whole.

Last but not least, we need to teach our children about consent. We need to teach them how to report (all crimes but specifically) sex crimes. My son will start being taught early on that physical touch is not okay if he doesn't know if he is allowed to touch someone or not, especially girls. He'll grow up knowing that when a girl says "no", she'll mean "no" - not keep trying until I give up. My son will grow up knowing that rejection - romantically or sexually - does not make a woman a "bitch". My son will grow up never hearing sexist phrases like "well, boys will be boys" or "nice guys finish last" because it gives men entitlement we don't even realize we're handing them.

More than anything, I'm going to do my best to raise my son to know that he can always trust me enough to tell me the truth and that he can always come to me with difficult questions about sex, assault, and everything in between. I'm going to do my best to teach him that when he sees something is wrong, he needs to do his part and report it to me or someone else who can help him. I'm going to teach him to be an advocate for women who suffer trauma and I'm going to teach him that it's up to him and his generation to make a change because god only knows our generation and those before us are seriously dragging our feet when it comes to a revolution like this.

In order to do better, we need to know better. That should start with our youngest, most effected generations.