#opp: faina volkov

[theomachys]

retrograde now ( a modern au )

in which prince nikolai akulakrovi is the star quarterback of elv university’s football team. when a tragic accident puts him out of commission for the rest of the football season, he turns his focus to his grades and meets one faina volkova, the quiet girl in his elvan history class.

[theomachys]

a story of repeating regret

the modern reincarnation au no one asked for ( or, nikolai, faina, and discussions of a past king )   — nikolai x faina

history textbook lying face down over his stomach, nikolai stares at the ceiling and sighs. his good leg dangles off the couch, barefooted and swinging dangerously close to the cup of coffee balanced precariously on a stack of books. the other leg, encased in thick plaster with half the campus’ names and well wishes scrawled over the surface, lies immobile, propped up by whichever ratty cushions his roommates were able to find.

not prime date location, he thinks. the stack of unwashed dishes in the sink alone kills any romantic mood that might’ve sprung up. although he can’t blame his roommates’ filthy habits either. this is emphatically not a date—it’s a tutoring session. a hard won tutoring session in the comfort of his shared apartment on campus because faina volkov is too kind hearted to make him limp all the way across campus to the library.

nikolai is not used to people being kind.

“my mother says a piece of happiness escapes with every sigh,” faina comments. soft brown hair held back with a blue scrunchie, she glances over at him. her eyes are hidden by her black frames, and nikolai thinks that’s a crying shame, but moments later he’s distracted by a glimpse of her exposed neck, of pale skin he’s spent far too long fantasising about and—

what the fuck. he blinks and shakes his head. the rooms spins a bit. get a hold of yourself.

“your mom’s a nice lady.” nikolai tosses back. “cheerful.” as if he has any happiness to lose. his perpetual bitter mood has made him a ‘boring emo fuckhead’ in the words of some of his friends. faina is one of the only people willing to endure his company for an extended period of time (and yeah, he’ll blame his attachment on that). both grateful and frustrated, he tries to bite his tongue, unwilling to drive her away, but he knows she can see the black cloud hovering over his head.

she stares at him with pursed lips and taps her pen against her mouth. it’s not helping. “having trouble?”

“more like finding it hard to give a fuck.” a history of the akulakrovi clan is a horrible class and nikolai can’t believe he has to take it for his political science degree. it just doesn’t make sense. if it hadn’t been for his injury, he wouldn’t have bothered showing up. but if he hadn’t shown up (and failed the midterm), he would have never met faina, the soft spoken med student one year below him and a hell of a lot smarter.

so, wins and losses.

“nikolai.” her voice is quietly amused, as if holding back a laugh. faina reaches forward and picks up the history textbook from his stomach and he jerks upright, heart hammering in his chest. even through the fabric of his shirt, her touch burns him—not entirely unpleasantly. brows furrowed, faina pauses. “is everything okay?”

his throat is dry. he swallows. “fine.” to cover up his awkward, visceral reaction, he says, “by the way, i said you could call me kolya. my friends all do.”

her eyes widen.  “i… i didn’t know we were friends,” she says carefully. he thinks he catches a hint of uncertainty in her eyes and yes, okay, he can understand that. they’ve been doing these tutoring sessions for less than two months and faina is not the kind of girl he would find himself hanging out with in normal circumstances. prince nikolai akulakrovi is not only royalty but also one of elv university’s star athletes. compared to that, faina volkova is nobody. this is past the realm for jock-and-nerd cliches; it’s downright strange.

“‘course we are.” nikolai leaves no room for argument, at least not about this.

faina smiles and he thinks of springtime, of flowers beginning to bloom. before he can say anything else, the smile has faded and her head is bent over the history book she liberated from him. “this is your family’s history. how is it not interesting?”

she has a point—it is his blasted clan’s history. but then again. “it’s just a bunch of names on a page,” nikolai says. he leans back and resumes staring at the ceiling. “doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“what about your namesake?”

the history book is shoved in his face unceremoniously, open to the chapter on king nikolai petrov akulakrovi, born 1470. “you mean the worst king elv’s ever had,” nikolai says flatly. the king reigned immediately after the war of nations and instituted numerous reforms in the kingdom, most of which were not very popular. in fact, elv hated them so much that the next successor was chosen from the takret clan, who immediately undid all of the former king’s policies. there wouldn’t be another akulakrovi in power until nikolai’s great-grandfather.

“what? no!” her mouth drops open, as if she can’t even conceive of anyone disliking the old man. “king nikolai was a great ruler.” and faina sounds so sure of this, as if she’s saying the sky is blue or grass is green.

nikolai scoffs. “he sucked. not as bad as, you know, emperor daehyun of surya or anything, but he sucked.” more than just balls, probably. or not balls. hell, he doesn’t know. “his own people didn’t want his son on the throne.”

“he was progressive,” faina insists. she must be a fan. there are plenty of them nowadays—he’s their favourite old history dude because his morals are closely aligned with beliefs today. “elv wasn’t ready for it then.”

“sucked.”

“nikolai—”

“kolya,” he repeats. she crosses her arms over her chest. “oh, come on. he’s dead anyway.” dead for centuries, his bones probably lying at the bottom of the sea. of all the akulakrovis to be named after, why did it have to be that one? nikolai has always had an issue with it. what if history repeats itself?

after a tense pause, faina sits down with the book in hand. “he was a good soldier,” she says finally. “and a good ruler, and a good husband.”

ah, dammit. don’t say anything, he tells himself, but of all the myths this is the one he hates the most. “yeah? flip ahead to page 236.” 

faina gives him a quizzical look but does as he says. “nikolai married freya evighet, lady in waiting to the queen.” she reads out loud. her voice is gentle, like a spring breeze that ruffles one’s hair and dances across their face. “the story of their courtship was widely documented and the basis of many popular songs and plays of the time—why am i reading this?”

“skip ahead a paragraph.”

“in 2015, historians uncovered a partially destroyed letter reportedly written by king nikolai himself to a mystery lover and—oh.” she flips over the reproduced copy of the letter, donated to the elvan historical foundation by nikolai’s father last year after they’d found it one of the castle’s storage rooms.

to my dear [illegible] you will, no doubt, think of me as an idiot for writing this. spies are everywhere even within elv, and a letter like this one would be treasure to my enemies. i know [illegible] …

i will marry freya. it will not be terrible (or so i am telling myself) as she is my best friend of many years and i believe she loves me. her father commands troops of [illegible] …

i could not refuse without hurtling her. i did consider running away, but i knew you would frown on that. duty—we both understand it, do we not? i do not want to be a coward who shirks from his responsibilities. but neither do i want to be untrue to myself. i love [illegible] …

in some other life, perhaps we are allowed a chance. a chance that has been denied to us by the gods now. perhaps in another life, we are unapologetically in love, even married. perhaps in another life, i am not a prince or you are a princess. perhaps [illegible] …

be happy. kolya

a pause. silence settles in the dingy little apartment and nikolai almost laughs because this is weird. it’s like telling your girlfriend your grandfather used to be a gigolo or something equally ridiculous. as far as dirty little secrets go, it’s not a bad one ( barring the fact that people have come forward since claiming to descended from king nikolai’s bastard son ), but it is strange to think the man he’s named after wasn’t the perfect king.

( although maybe it shouldn’t be surprising—nikolai’s not the perfect prince either ).

“this is so sad,” faina breathes. she touches the page gently, almost reverently, and closes her eyes. the expression on her face is distant. forcing himself to sit up, nikolai stares at her and wonders what she’s thinking of. he wonders if he ruined something for her. “this is terrible. he loved someone he couldn’t be with.”

“is it?” irritability bleeds into his voice. “isn’t it just another weakness to add to the list? couldn’t keep his country together, couldn’t keep his people happy, couldn’t love his wife—or couldn’t gather up the guts to leave her. one mess after another.” and—fine, fine, fine. he is officially projecting. dragging a hand down his face, nikolai exhales loudly. wouldn’t it be grand if this is his destiny too?

warmth engulfs his hand. nikolai starts and glances down—faina covers it with her own and gives him a tentative smile. “i don’t think it’s a weakness.” her voice doesn’t waver. “it takes a lot of strength to do your duty. it takes a lot of strength to what necessary, not what you want to do.” he gets the feeling she isn’t only talking about the ancient king and his heart swells in his chest.

“i’m scared,” nikolai blurts out. “i’m scared i’ll end up like him, you know? become king, fuck up badly and have people turn against me. i’m scared it’ll happen now. hell, after i broke my leg, it’s like people couldn’t get away from me fast enough. i know i fucked up. i know i did. i never should have gotten hurt. i let people down; i let my team down, but they just… abandoned me.” he points at the cast. “those signatures? they mean nothing. i don’t know what i’m worth anymore.”  

the problem is that he can understand his ancestor all too well. it is why he fears king nikolai petrov akulakrovi’s failures will be his own. his shoulders slump. “you’re… not my therapist.” it’s not fair to dump the worries he’s been stewing over for weeks on her. faina does not need to hear his. forcing a grin, he says, “you can tell me to shut up.”

but she doesn’t say anything, just continues to hold his hand. her thumb brushes over his knuckles and he tries to remember how to breathe, and dammit how is he supposed to observe boundaries when her hands and soft and small, the perfect size to be tucked into his? “i like you.” barely above a whisper, faina says, “even if no one else is, i’m here for you.”

i want you, nikolai almost replies. he doesn’t mean ‘want you to be here for me’ or ‘want you to stay’ or anything else. he wants her and he’s too fucking cowardly to say so. old king nikolai married lady freya instead of his lover out of a sense of duty, and at least one can argue that is noble. prince nikolai can’t ask his tutor out because he’s afraid of what she might say. he’s afraid of what other people might say. most of all, the anchor of his nonexistent-but-still-official long distance relationship with lady rose evergreen of durr hangs around his neck, dragging him down to the depths.

he brings her hand up and presses his lips against her smooth skin. nikolai hears faina’s breath hitch but she doesn’t pull away nor break the silence. she smells like cherry blossoms, he notices idly, and wonders how he’ll play this off as a joke. when he lets go of her hand, faina blinks at him. head tilted to the side, she waits for an explanation, cradling her hand against her chest. spots of pink color her cheeks and nikolai is miserable because he’d like nothing more than to lean over and kiss her. 

i’m sorry, he says silently. nikolai is not brave enough to move forward yet. someday he might be, but for now, he’ll stay where he is. out loud, “we should get back to the books, yeah?” focused on digging his notebook out from the cracks of the couch, he nearly misses the flicker of disappointment flashing across faina’s face.

“oh, yes. we have a test tomorrow.” her voice trembles slightly and nikolai pretends not to notice. faina brushes her hair away from her face and grabs her notes. she’s not looking at him on purpose—he deserves it. mixed signals aren’t fun to decipher. nikolai hopes he doesn’t seem like he is toying with her. he isn’t. he’s toying with himself.

flipping open to a blank page while faina busies herself with gathered their study materials, nikolai grabs a pen and stares at it. seized by sudden impulse, he scrawls a few words on the corner of the page and rips it out. the folded note is then slipped into one of faina’s textbooks. if he can’t say it… this is the only way nikolai will allow himself to express his feelings. he hopes that one day, she’ll find it.

faina, i like you. i like you a lot.