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adineroillustration · 5 years ago

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“Gamble On” In these post-COVID days the comparisons to dystopian literature and science fiction are all to easy to make. Even more so then, that the country is fragmenting into regional alliances ala The Hunger Games, and regulating the opening of economies based on pacts with their neighbors. I can’t help but think of Phillip K. Dick’s Man in the High Castle which sees a U.S. similarly drawn and quartered there split among the victorious Axis powers, of alternate Second World War. But such a stretch of the imagination seems less an entertaining “what if,” and an increasingly eerie prophecy. The Wild West of it all is the thing that’s so jarring; the notion of a nation divided being made clearer and clearer with these sectarian allegiances. I see the rise of the governors and figurehead of each decision to lift or maintain restrictions as feeding his false dichotomy of a “with us or against us” game all of which only heightens the political gamification and capitalizing on even the most fraught of times to advance their agendas. Even in pandemic they’ve still got it. I guess it’s a comfort to know some things never change? 🎰 ⛔️ 🚪 🎰 ⛔️ 🚪 🎰 ⛔️ 🚪 🎰 ⛔️ 🚪 #shelterinplace #openforbusiness #letthechipsfallwheretheymay #onearmedbandit #whereitstopsnobodyknows #ahousedivided #hungergames #maninthehighcastle #jackpot #hardeight #russianroulette #slotsslotsslots #openandshutcase #gottakeepemseparated #editorialillustration #oped #opinionart #weekinreview #headlinenews #digitalcollage #signsigneverywhereasign #letmyloveopenthedoor #illustration https://www.instagram.com/p/B_yfvF4JtQG/?igshid=1hqpx22t80i1m

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debajanfeministuniverse-blog · 7 years ago

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De Unmannerly Politics of Opening Doors

Well for de pass few days de only local conversation on my timeline has been responses to a status on FB created by an entertainer. De context of the conversation is that he (De Entertainer) was told to pay attention to the manners of those in Barbados and he did by conducting a very, very, VERY, (0.013 % of the population) small social experiment.

De Entertainer states:

“I purposely held the door open for 20 women going in or out of establishments, 3 said thank you, the others didn't even nod. I held it for 20 guys, 18 said thanks.”

His findings are simple:

90% of men said thank you to a man holding open a door for them.

75% of women did not.

This experiment did not then go on to explore the findings of a woman holding the door open for men and women, but no… why <sarcasm> would <sarcasm>it <sarcasm>?

Now whether this post was intended to turn into a woman-bashing post or not, it did. Loads of people mostly cis men, a few cis women then started to chime in talking about their experiences of how “mannerly de men dat does come into my shops does be” and how “unmannerly women nowadays are”.

And though it is decidedly infuriating, it’s also not unexpected. The discomfort of the privileged often overlooks the societal grievances of the oppressed. As usual, people decided bashing black Caribbean women would be the best course of action without truly delving into the reasons why such findings would occur.

So to make sense of it in my own head I made a couple lists to consider:

Reasons why people open doors for other people:

Manners maketh ... someting? :

In Barbados we brought up to be polite. From the moment we are born we are steeped in behavioural conditioning. The biblical commandment they make you recite from like five years old is “Honour thy father and thy mother”. There is a lot of emphasis on being “nice”, “respectful”, “well behaved” children and to carry that into adulthood. .

In this small island where everybody knows everybody, even at our own personal expense, we are always to be seen as polite. To do otherwise is a fringed activity.

Now if you are like me, and believe everything feeds back into colonialism you might see the correlation between the myth that “all the good slaves were sent here”. And you might consider that the emphasis of “Bajans are nice” is taught to us at Primary school level. They tell us “Tourists come here for de sun, sand and nice people.” In other words be super nice to dem tourists fuh dem sweet-sweet tourist dollars. Never let yourself be a seen as a threat. Our country’s economic success depends on it.

Chivalry & gender politics:

Obviously this “good” behaviour looks different in accordance to the gender society decided for you. If you are decided man, you are expected to be considered “nice” or a “gentleman” if you do things for other people, and you get extra points for doing things for the women folk. This came from the European idea that vagina havers are somehow the “fairer” (read weaker) sex and need help with heavy things like, pulling out their own chairs and opening doors behind them. Because you know, uterus = weak wrists?

If you are decided woman, then your “good” behaviour is determined by how you reward/respond to “good” men. Don’t sleep with them too quickly. Be wifey material. Be a mother. Be a grandmother, and never question why your life is solely for the purpose of others.

Ulterior motives:

Which leads me to the quote I heard when growing up that “Chivalry was just an excuse for men to look at women’s asses”. A lot of men are conditioned to see “niceness” and perceived nice actions as a means to be rewarded for their masculinity. If I as man, give you a lift, I expect, “gas, grass or ass”. In other words, if I do something nice for you, I expect something in return. Either through sexual gratification, compliance, or the opportunity to check out a woman’s bumpa up close.

Flow of traffic:

Aside from all that gendered stuff, sometimes assistance is just assitance. You know like how yuh should really let out de car trying to come out of a gap you going in, when you have right of way? Sometimes it just makes more sense to hold on, keep the people behind you, and leh de person in front pass to avoid collisions or blockages. It’s not that deep. Just practical.

Now, I’m down for discussing the differences in gender experiences, as long as you truly want a discussion and not just a place to shout and scream about how unfairly you as man, has been treated by Bajan women simply because you didn’t get the kind of gratitude you wanted when opening a door. If that’s the platform you need, there are no rivers in Barbados as of yet, find a gully, cry in it, and make one fuh me do.

Reasons why “thank you” may be missing:

Thoughts are in other places:

“If I buy dese lil groceries I gun really got enough money to cover dis month bills?”

“Cheezon bread dis sun real so & so hot doa”

“WHA’ DE ACTUAL HELL <INSERT NAME OF POLITICIAN HERE> NOW SAY?” See people often have loads of thoughts happening all at once and sometimes the door gets opened and you literally don’t know how. Just respect de headspace and realize it aint about you, just task 3,006 on the to do list.

Entitlement:

Iz true, some women conform and uphold the patriarchy and believe it is a man’s obligation to open the door. And some people just stush, dey come in barging pass you like they are the Queen and it is your civic duty, you plebian scum, to eliminate all barriers from Their Highness’s path. Doan mind dese divas, you are your own protagonist too. Admire their self centrism from far and carry on smartly.

Social anxiety:

People have mental health complications that sometimes prohibit them from “simply” saying thank you. The world is terrifying. Tasks are overwhelming. We need to learn to respect and be considerate to those that may have hard times navigating that.

Defiance against Compliance & gender dictations:

Even if this idea rubs you the wrong way, after centuries of the world telling women what they can and cannot ever so often, a woman comes to a state of “fuck dis”. Anger is a legitimate response to oppression. The anger isn’t necessarily directed at you, but at the whole system that has told this woman since she was young “you aint strong enough to get you own doors, you ain smart enough to get you own business”. In this moment remember, you opened de door out of your own heart, you consented to the door opening. It’s now their turn to consent to gratitude or not. You have done your part in society, the rest is up to them.

Avoiding a platform for harassment:

Men, yuh all can be trash. Too often I have done the “polite thing” and said “thank you” to the security guard paid to open the door, only for them to take my quick politeness as a platform to mentally juk me down with harassment. And my experience is not unique. If you don’t live as women and do not understand what weapons of harassments we have to protect ourselves from daily, don’t disrespect our shields. All I’m asking for is the next time we do a social experiment, let’s ask women how many times they say “thanks” and the person who opened the door for them used that as an invitation to suggest something sexual or romantic.

Conclusion:

I hope after reading that I’ve provided some insight into the matter at hand. Sometimes it’s easier to judge what’s going on in another person’s head, and sometimes it’s not.

But remember:

Do not harass somebody for a “T’anks”

DO NOT HARASS THEM AFTER A “T’ANKS”

Do not pin your positive daily experiences on a stranger’s “T’ANKS” that you may or may not receive and are NEVER entitled to.

If however, you refuse to listen to me and are determined to practice the mentioned above, den doan bodder opening de damn door in de first place. We good.

No t’anxs,

De Bajan Feminist.

#caribbeanfeminism genderpolitics openandshutcase unmannerly reclaimingmytime barbados discussion feminism feminist lifeinleggings

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