#op: never ever open the door to “what if i'ts me and nobody wants me”

[motsimages]

This reply has 2 parts. One for Op and another for anyone in a similar position who wants ideas on how to deal with it.

For Op: do not ever open the door to "what if it's me?" because it's not you. I took a glance at that door once, and my self-esteem is worth more. Some people just don't know how to keep friendships. Some people have things going on in their life ("me too, so what" shhhh). It hurts, but it's still not about people not wanting your presence, it's about them having life getting in their way. They will think about you and miss you, they just won't let you know about it. It's a pain in the ass, though and it makes me mad and sad, so I get you. In any case, it's not that they don't want your presence, it's that their life is doing things to them. "But my life doesn't get in the way of me making plans with them" and that says a lot about you and how you deal with your relationships, but it doesn't say they don't like you. Do not open the door to lowering your self-esteem or doubting yourself in any way. It's them and their life.

For anyone looking for ideas:

I have been in that position, and I still am. I came to realise, at age 34 or so, that there are a lot of things at play. One of them is not only me wanting to hang out with my friends (specifically), but also needing a social life, needing a way to fulfill my interests, doing things with people.

If people who I consider my friends do not make any effort (this means "I make 10 plans and they only make 1", for instance, I do not really keep track but you get the idea), the friendship will end. And it will end whether I want to or not. A relationship is a 2 people job, and I cannot be the one pulling all the weight just to have some company. This is hard to accept and it hurts. It helped me to think that there are other people that maybe wanted to hang out with me more but couldn't because I never spoke to them because I was busy with friends who wouldn't make plans with me, I could try my luck there.

Very often those people DO want to be my friend and to be in my life and all that: they just don't know how to*. In the meantime, I will find other people to spend time with and make friends with, and we'll see what happens. Those who want to stay and know how to do it will be there. I will call the others whenever I miss them, whenever I think of an specific plan with them, but I won't do my most socialising with them in mind.

So at some point, I prepared for "having a social life" but not "being the one making plans". Whenever I'd like to see my friends, I'd say "I am doing this thing, if you want to join me", but for most of my social life, I decided I was tired of being the organiser. I need the plan to already exist.

[A thing to keep in mind about me is: I am very used to doing things alone and I do not struggle to do things on my own. If you do struggle with this, I recommend you find a way to get used to being on your own and doing things alone, not only for the purpose of this advice, but in general in life. I can try to offer advice for this, but I may not be the best because it comes naturally to me. Message me if you want and we'll figure it out.]

So I looked for things I liked to do. I took up Portuguese, and Yoga, and painting. I spent months preparing myself mentally to not see my friends as often, because I knew it would happen. I knew it would be lonely but having plans already organised with people would aliviate it. This is very hard, and if your friends are your main support, it will be very very hard.

After some time, I told the friends I made plans with (during a boardgame night I had yet again organised): "I am tired of being the one making plans. If you make any plan and you want to invite me, I will say yes, whatever you propose, I will accept. But I won't be the one calling you because I am always the one doing it". One of the friends agreed with me. She made more efforts than the others.

During all this time, I learnt to embrace and enjoy small talk and any and all types of socialisation I could get. I made some friends along the way too because I remembered some nice people I had met that I could try to see if we could become friends. I still get angry that some of my friends don't make plans with me.

Regarding that group, I know some of the others were going through stuff, but so was I. That is a thing to keep in mind. I understand other people's lives and situations, but I have mine too. Specifically, during those years, I was severely disabled, couldn't really walk and was in great pain daily. I could keep in mind someone had anxiety, but they couldn't keep in mind I couldn't walk? I wished and still wish other people remembered that as cheerful and organised as I am, I still have problems, but well. That is for them to do.

So I went from seeing some of those friends weekly to monthly, and sometimes even less. With one friend I mainly lost contact for over a year (again, I knew he was going through stuff, but so was I and he never knew because he never asked). I was really mad at him, I even told him, he said he understood why. Still several months went by before he could get back to texting me sometimes. We are more or less in touch now, he managed to more or less came out of his shell a bit and I am very easygoing, so I made peace.

But I am now very clear that 2 people have to make the effort. Even if I make the effort 20 times and you only make it 1, you have to make it 1.

*I remember a friend who never ever proposes plans and never ever is the one to initiate contact saying "but I don't want to bother you!" as an explanation for why he never ever did those things. And it pissed me off. Do be a bother. Really. Bother me. You feel like you are nagging but you really aren't. Check your messages if you need a reminder because if you are like him, you will see a hundred messages from me and none from you. So really, bother me on purpose and make plans with me.

is anyone else always the one doing the reaching out to try and make plans with friends/inviting people to do things?

does anyone else in that position wonder if they should just stay in their room all day whenever they're off work, because it doesn't really matter, because it's not like anyone wants their presence anyway?