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Ep. 4 Transcript

Ep. 4 Transcript: Alpine Escape — Chapter 4

Begin:

Sophie: Previously on “Dungeons & Queers”...

[RECAP WITH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

Sophie: The villagers had been rescued and had gone down that path; basically, there’s a local village that some of them have heard of called Northpass Haven… It’s famed as being attacked by orcs and stuff like that and surviving.

With little protective outerwear, these former prisoners move slowly and begin to falter in the face of the relentless mountains. Allow the group to stop and find shelter for the night and risk losing the head start you achieved, or you can continue on and risk the deaths of some of the older and younger villagers due to exposure and cold.

Mara: We are sending the stronger people ahead and we are staying back with the people who are not doing quite as well.

Sophie: He pulls out this large gold coin.

Kenway: This was my dad’s. He gave it to me before he died, and he told me that as long as I had it, it would keep me safe.

Sophie: In your restless dreams that night, Lazza, you hear voices whispering. You hear one voice in particular that’s like [HARSHLY] “Trust the harper!” And you wake up with a start.

Lazza: What the hell is a harper?!

[END RECAP]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay! Alright, so, you wake up the next day, very early in the morning, and you get moving with the sound of orc horns in the distance.

Joe: [SOFTLY] Shiiiiiet…

Sophie: You run down the side of the mountain as midday breaks, eventually abandoning the bare rocky cliffs for the cover of an alpine forest. Soon, two orcs appear, running quickly and gaining on you. The party— er, the villagers continue on as you fall back to take out the pursuers. Let’s roll some initiative!

Credence: [IN A SILLY VOICE] HELL YEAH!~

[DICE ARE ROLLED THREE TIMES]

Mara: That is . . . 18.

Credence: Ja boi got 21!

Sophie: Jeez.

Joe: [SINGSONG] Nice!

Sophie: Okay, hold on. So...that’s not how you spell “orc.”

Credence: [laughing] It’s three letters!

Sophie: It is, and I mixed two of ‘em up.

Credence: “Ocr!”

Joe: Language is fluid and always creative. Do it how you like.

Sophie: And what did you get?

Joe: I got 13.

Sophie: Okay… Couldn’t remember what your character’s name was, even though I helped you pick it … Okay! First in the order is Lazza.

Joe: Hell yes.

Credence: Okay, and so, we’ve got two attackers?

Sophie: Yep, they’re scouts. So they’re much faster than the rest.

Credence: Okay, so we’re probably gonna have more coming up?

Sophie: If ya hang around…~

Credence: I’m going to… Or, Lazza is going to… We’ll have her have her shield out, so she’s got her shield and then her battle axe. I’m going to use Reckless Attack, so “on the first attack of my turn, I can use this to gain an advantage on all my melee attacks for the rest of my turn; attack rolls against me have advantage until my next turn.”

Sophie: Okay.

Credence: So what do these boys look like? Is one of them carrying a battle axe? Is… What are the weapons that they’re holding? I wanna know who’s gonna be dealing the most damage.

Sophie: Okay! Make a perception check.

Credence: [MUTTERING TO SELF] Of course. [NORMAL VOICE] Let’s see . . . that would be a 12.

Sophie: They are both carrying great axes.

Credence: Like, big axes?

Sophie: Yeah, great axes, like two-handed axes.

Credence: Okay

Joe: [QUIETLY] Fun.

Credence: [RESIGNED] Alright, I’ll go for the one on the left, I guess. And I get advantage on attack rolls, so that’s good… One-handed battle axe here, so… [ROLLS DICE] Ooh! I gotcha a 20!

Sophie: Natural 20?

Credence: Natch 20!

Joe: Oh, heck yes!

[GROUP TRIUMPHANTLY HUMS/SINGS IN THE BACKGROUND]

Joe: Airhorn! Airhorn!~

Credence: So I roll 1d8 plus 4? And then…

Sophie: And then another d8. You roll 2d8 plus 4.

Credence: Okay, excellent. [MUMBLING TO SELF] That is not a d8, that is a d10. [ROLLS DICE] First one was a 5, second one was a 2, so I got...7 + 4… 11 damage.

Sophie: Okay, you just totally leap in and just kind of sink the axe into this thing’s chest, and it is not down, but it is bloodied. How much damage did you say you did?

Credence: 11.

Sophie: 11? Okay, yeah, it is about to give up the ghost already. That was a good attack. Next in the order is the orc that you didn’t attack.

[CHORUS OF “OOH” AND “UH-OH”]

Sophie: He is going to run over and make an attack against you.

[DICE ROLL]

Credence: Lazza?

Sophie: Yeah, Lazza. 13 versus AC? Oh, with advantage, pardon me.

Credence: Yeah, you do get advantage.

Sophie: Oh. No, it’s still 13 versus AC.

Credence: Not gonna do it. Ya girl here, Lazza, has an armor class 18.

Sophie: Wow

Mara: Dayum!

Joe: Woaaah! Nice!

Sophie: It’s ‘cause she’s not wearing any armor, so she gets to wear her — ‘cause she’s a barbarian, she gets to use her constitution.

[MORE AWED CROSSTALK]

Joe: Oooh sheeit . . . That’s bad as hell.

Credence: I get dex and my constitution, plus I’ve got my shield out, so… Got 18.

Sophie: I think you catch this thing’s attack on your shield, probably. Okay, next in the order is Ellywick.

Mara: Um, okay. I’m going to attack the one that is worse off with a longsword. [ROLLS DICE] I don’t suppose 11 does it, huh?

Sophie: Nope.

Mara: Okay, as a bonus action, though… They are going to cast Vicious Mockery.

Sophie: Is that a cantrip?

Mara: Yes.

Sophie: Okay.

Ellywick: So ah, what’re you gonna do for a face when the monkey wants his ass back?

[GROUP CACKLING AND CROSSTALK]

Credence: Jesus

Mara: And our friend over here needs to make a wisdom-saving throw.

Sophie: Oookay [ROLLS DICE]

Credence: Definitely the strong suite of all of this

Sophie: [DISAPPOINTED] Ooh! Ooooooh! That is gonna be a 4.

Mara: And that doesn’t cut it. So 1d4 psychic damage, or…?

Sophie: Uh . . . you were doing that against the wounded orc?

Mara: Yes.

Sophie: Your mockery actually kills it!

[CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Mara: YEEES!!!

Joe: Oh my gooood!

Sophie: Much to Lazza’s horror!

Credence: Lazza’s just like… Lazza’s at first laughing, ‘cause it’s great, right, but just like —

Lazza: Heheheh— WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sophie: Like, you literally say, “What’re you gonna do for a face when the monkey wants its ass back?” and its eyes roll in the back of its head and it keels over, dead.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Yeah, Lazza takes a sidestep away from Ellywick…

[SNORTING]

Sophie: Ah, well, that orc is out of initiative now.

Joe: Jesus.

Sophie: Oh boy. Next in the order is Defiance.

Joe: Alright. I’ll step on over to the other orc, then, and make an attack. I’m gonna use my warhammer one-handed. [ROLLS DICE]

Sophie: Can you use a warhammer one-handed?

Joe: Yup. It’s versatile, so you can use it one- or two-handed. Uh… Does 12 hit?

Sophie: Nope.

Joe: Dicks. Alright.

Sophie: Okay, next in the order is Lazza.

Credence: Okay! Um… So Reckless Attack has ended now. I don’t know how many times I can use that, actually… hold on

Sophie: I should not have made you guys level 2. I was just so worried that this was gonna be so tough and that y’all weren’t gonna be able to handle it, and like, I don’t think y’all have even taken damage yet in this fucking campaign.

Joe: Just wait though, I’m sure we’re gonna find some orc raiding party and be like, “Oh shit!”

Sophie: “When you make your first attack on your turn, you can attack recklessly…” Yup, yup, that’s fine. You can do that! You can just do that every time if you want.

Credence: Yeah, I… I mean, I don’t get bonus attacks yet. So… Yup, alright, so we’ll do Reckless Attack again and I’ll be doing one-handed battle axe again. [ROLLS DICE] Ja boi just got another crit!

Joe: Oh heck yeah!

Credence: Hell yeah!

Mara: [LAUGHING]

Credence: ‘Nother 20! Fuck yeah! Oh, what a day! Oh!

Sophie: [DEEP SIGH] Y’all are really trivializing this fight…

Mara: We’re just rollin’ well!

Joe: I dunno, but I haven’t hit anything yet

Credence: Yeah! ‘Cause we’re damn good! ‘Cause Lazza knows how to kill shit!

Sophie: No, I think it’s because Quinn has a dice with twenty 20s on it.

Credence: No, Quinn just got lucky! Do you remember how bad I was rolling last week? Er, last record?

Mara: That’s true.

Credence: It was shit! It was terri-bad! [ROLLS DICE] Ooh, 7! And… [ROLLS DICE] 8! Oh! So 15 + 4 is 19!

[CHORUS OF “OOHS”]

Mara: Kill ‘em

Credence: Do I get it? Did I kill it?!

Sophie: It is still up…

[DISBELIEVING CROSSTALK]

Sophie: It is still very much on its, uh . .. on its last leg.

Credence: Okay, wait, did you just up the challenge of this dude mid-fight?!

Sophie: No! I would never do that!

Credence: [IN DISBELIEF] “Never”?

Mara: “Never”!

Credence: But you are going to have to describe to me how cool it looks doing 19 damage on this fucker.

Sophie: I think that, actually, y’all have never played Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance, but there’s this class in there actually called “berserker,” which is their barbarian, and when they get a crit, they actually like hold their axe out at their side and just spin around a ton, and then leap up into the air and come crashing down on a foe, and I think that’s definitely what happened here.

Joe: Nice bit of acrobatics.

Sophie: Yeah

Credence: I am proficient!

Sophie: Yeah

Joe: Oh wow, really?

Sophie: Well, that orc that you maimed severely is going to make an attack on you with advantage. [ROLLS DICE] Oof-a-doof-a. Uh…[ROLLS DICE] Yup! That’ll, that’ll do it.19 + 3, 22?

Credence: Alright, that hits.

Sophie: Okay. [ROLLS DICE] 12 damage.

Mara: Owie.

Credence: Eh, I got 27 hit points.

Sophie: I should’ve made you guys level 1. This is ridiculous.

Mara: Alright, so my turn? Um… We’re just gonna go right out of it with the Vicious Mockery.

Joe: Christ on a cracker.

Mara: Yup, Yeah And… So, our dear Ellywick says…

Ellywick: Hey, wait, wait! Before ya die here, I was just wondering, what did you want us to put on your headstone?

Sophie: Mm, that one wasn’t as good.

Mara: No. [ROLLS DICE, LAUGHS] That doesn’t do it.

Sophie: Does a 6 save?

Mara: Nooope. Not against 13! [ROLLS DICE] And another 4.

Sophie: Another 4, god damn it! Okay, yeah, its eyes roll in the back of its head and it fucking dies.

[CACKLING FROM PLAYERS]

Joe: I think even Defiance looks at Ellywick like, “What the fuck?”

Mara: And Ellywick has a big grin on their face, just like, “Did I do a good job?”

Sophie: [SIGHING] Yeah, you did fine.

[LAUGHING AND CROSSTALK]

Mara: And god siiighs.

Lazza: Okay...did you just kill that guy with a bad… That wasn’t even… How did you… MAGIC IS FUCKED UP. Why can’t you just stab a guy?!

Ellywick: I mean… I mean I CAN. I can do both. But like, one of those is a physical injury, but one of those is a mental injury, and I find those are much harder to get over, don’t you?

Lazza: Don’t...talk to me.

[LAUGHING]

Credence: So are we seeing more orcs approaching slash do we see if our party of weak folks is getting away nicely?

Mara: Sophie is so upset right now. Oh, honeeeey… She’s just real sad that we killed her playthings.

Sophie: No, I’m fine! Y’all didn’t even bust out any spell slots or anything. It’s fine.

[LAUGHING]

Joe: I mean arguably, I’m gonna have to to uh . . .

Credence: You definitely - I definitely wanna be healed, like, 12 damage was kind of a big hit.

Joe: Right

Sophie: Okay, if you wanna resolve that now you can do that.

Credence: Right but like, what’s the immediacy of our situation?

Sophie: The immediate situation . . . You hear orc horns pretty far off in the distance. These scouts have gone way far ahead . . . Uh Probably farther than was wise. Because they were really sure that they could just kill a bunch of unarmed villagers. Ya know

Mara: They got dead though. Sophie: Yeah. Um they got viciously mocked -

Mara: [LAUGHING] To death

Sophie:- and attacked to the max.

Sophie: [INFOMERCIAL TONE] Hi. We’re having fun here, but we’re gonna talk about something serious quick. Millions of orcs every year are viciously mocked to death by bards. For just pennies a day, your contribution can go to therapy to help them recover the psychic damage that typically kills them when they’re not prepared to deal with the consequences.

Credence: Are you kidding?! Like . . . Lazza’s definitely gonna need therapy

Sophie: For just pennies a day folks.

[SINGING] In the arms of an angel

Credence: Oh boy. Oh boy. Okay. Sooo . . . They’re pretty far off. How are our villagers doing? Are they gettin’ along okay?

Sophie: Yeah, they’re like cheering for you.They didn’t get very far because y’all handled this fight very quickly. So I think they wait for you to catch up. Ya know they were - Joe: Do they get like a morale boost?

Sophie: I’ll actually say that because I don’t wanna . . . I’m not gonna make a habit of rewarding you when you break my game. But because that was such good podcasting, I’m gonna give Ellywick a point of inspiration.

Mara: HELL YEAH!

Credence: [DEJECTED] Oh. Okay

Sophie: Just for ending /both/ of them just with the same cantrip, and rolling 2 4s, and . . .

Mara: So how does that work again?

Credence: What about Lazza’s two crits? Oh! And I forgot . .. Okay, it didn’t matter, but on crits hit with melee weapons, I can roll an extra +1 damage dice. Like, l roll it 3 times instead of twice.

Joe: Oh heck!

Sophie: Oh. Okay well you shoulda done that cuz that would’ve been cool, but remember that for the future.

Credence:Oh come on! She was still doing really cool shit. But I’ll remember that

Sophie: I’m just saying she would’ve like cleaved that orc in half then.

Credence: I knoooow just like come oooooon. Come on.

Mara: So how does inspiration work again?

Sophie: Inspiration is basically currency in the game that you can spend on any check you want for getting advantage on it. So let’s say you are in battle and you roll a critical miss you’d be like “well, I wanna spend my point of inspiration”. Or if you’re trying to climb up something to get away for something, or it’s an important persuasion check with a king, you can use that one inspiration point.

Mara: Okay! Cool!

Sophie: Just because that was such good podcasting.

Mara: [LAUGHS]

Sophie: [SIGHING] Oooookay.

Joe: Alright. So. Defiance will go up to Lazza then and say

Defiance: Looks like you got a bit injured there. Do you uh . . . Would you be opposed to me healing you?

Lazza: You promise . . . promise it’s just . . . it’s just a healing spell, right? You’re not gonna make me . . . die because you . . . made a bad joke at me, right? Like, I’m not interested in what they’re dishing out, but like . . .

Credence: She like thumbs over to Ellywick who’s probably still smiling

Mara: And Ellywick was totally getting ready to cast cure wounds on you too. They kinda hear that and they just put their hands in their pockets and wander off, like

Credence: And that makes Lazza even more suspicious

[LAUGHING]

Credence: Cuz like you just like almost cast something and then walked away when she pointed out that you were like, that you were what . . . that she was kinda scared of you. So she kinda gulps and she’s like

Lazza: Uhhh . .. Yeah Y-y-y-you promise . . . you promise?

Defiance: Aye. You have my word Lazza: Okay. One orc to the other!

Defiance: . . . Aye.

Joe: I put my hand on Lazza’s shoulder and uh . .. Lazza gets uhhhhh 1 d8 + 4 hit points back. So should I roll for that? Or should -

Sophie: You can roll for that, yeah.

Joe: Me? Okay

Sophie: Partly just cuz if - if Credence rolls for it, I know that he’ll get an 8.

[DICE ROLL]

Joe: Aw! Alright, so you only get 5 back.

Credence: Hey! That’s not nothing.

Mara: *laughs* I uh . .. Ellywick was gonna offer to cast cure wounds, but I uh . .. I don’t think that’s gonna happen now. [LAUGHS]

Lazza: I mean, don’t get me wrong, that was . . .that was kinda cool in a really perverse way, but. I don’t know. I’m . . . I'm just . . . I’m good. I’m good. Thanks . . .Thanks . . .thanks.

Sophie: So you all continue to move forward during the day.

Mara: Alright

Sophie: Again, I’m not gonna force you, but if there’s any conversations or anything you wanna have with each other or with the villagers that are still with you or anything, this would be a good time to do that, but. You know if it’s if it’s all just innocuous conversation and none of it is worth mentioning for the podcast then you know I’ll assume that probably it wasn’t just silent all day. But at the same time, y’all are just trying to run as fast as you can away from certain death, so -

Joe: Right

Mara: So the villagers saw that. It's not like . . .okay. Okay. So there's no point in Ellywick trying to like regale them with stories of the battle [CRACKING UP WHILE SPEAKING]

Sophie: I think they saw it but you regale them anyways

[ALL LAUGHING]

Mara: Yeah

Joe: Right

Mara: That sounds right

Credence: Definitely

Sophie: And they were all like “yeah. We were there” and you were like “Yeah, but you didn't like -

Ellywick: You weren’t there

[Crosstalk]

Credence: I think Lazza’s kinda . . . Well, I’m imagining that she’s carrying at least one person to make them, like, walk faster. She’s got either one or two kids or like one older person like on her back.

Sophie: I’m picturing you like Kronk style like in the Emperor's New Groove just with like a quickly constructed little thing for Yzma

Joe: Right?

Credence: Definitely, definitely. But she’s not paying like any attention to the person on her back andI think also maybe that person is just like holding on for dear life and also a little afraid to be holding onto an orc. I think that Lazza kinda like ends up running alongside Defiance and is like

Lazza: So uhhh thanks. Thanks for the heal back there. I’m not really one to usually, you know, mess around with that kind of magic stuff, but uhh definitely feeling better for it.

Defiance: Aye. I understand.

Lazza: How did uh . . . how did an orc end up becoming a cleric? I just .. . never met one before. Also where are you from? Because like, I’ve never met an orc with a tail before!

Defiance: Well [SIGHS] S’pose this would probably be a better time for erm - honesty in that case. I’m not an orc.

Lazza: What?!

Defiance: I’m a . . . I’m a tiefling actually.

Credence: There’s just like no . . . no recognition on Lazza’s face. She’s just like staring just like

Lazza: Did you sneeze? Heh- What’s a tiefling?

Joe: I think, Defiance kinda gives Lazza a bit of a pained smile and Defiance says

Defiance: Well, a tiefling is . . .[SIGHS] a- a- a sort of . . . a sort of creature that is the uh [SIGHS] the product of deals with demons. Well - devils to be more correct. I- I don’t know who. I don’t know when. But at some point in my ancestory, one of my ancestors uh [SIGHS] made some sort of a - a pact with one of the the archdukes of of of hell and erm - this is the result. [HALTINGLY] For - for - for the rest of - of - of their - their lineage. They will always be marked with the infernal. Sometimes it’s something like hooves, sometimes its horns, sometimes claws, tails . .. um but . .. aye. That - that is why I look the way that I do.

Lazza: [UNSURE] O-o-ooh o-oh. Um. Oh. O-o-okay.

Credence: I think Lazza’s like lost for words because on the one hand shes kind of terrified of that prospect . .. you know because . . . magic . . . deals with devils . . . Ehhhhhhh? . . . not great

Joe: Indeed [LAUGHING]

Credence: After- after a second, she’s like

Lazza: Well, uuuh y-you seem . .. you seem alright by me, Defiance. I mean, uhh. You’re the first person who ever cast a spell on me that didn’t hurt me. So, uh so you know ancestors may uh may create the path before us, but that doesn’t mean it can’t turn. You know?

Defiance: That’s very much appreciated. I shall er- I shall continue to strive to not violate that trust.

Lazza: I mean, yeah, I mean just uhhh d-d-d-don’t worry about it.

Credence: And she just kinda like runs ahead cuz she doesn’t know how to interact with this kind of intimacy right now.

[LAUGHING]

Joe: That’s fair

Sophie: I love it!

Joe: I feel like Defiance just kind of . . . shrugs it off as par for the course.

[INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Greetings, Earthlings. I am here with your intermission, I guess for lack of a better term. And I promise it’ll be quick! So first off, I wanted to remind everyone about our transcription program. You will get earliest access to episodes. Sometimes weeks in advance if you help us transcribe. We are trying to make this podcast deaf accessible and it’s been going well so far, but basically right now all the work is on one person, and that one person is an absolute saint who is listening to this right now and hopefully blushing. BUT the more the merrier with this sort of thing! So if your interested in helping us MAKING this podcast more accessible, get in contact with me via twitter or email, both of which are on your cover art and you can help us out!

The next thing I wanna talk to you about is NPC names. Don’t forget if you tweet about this show using the #DungeonsAndQueers - that’s dungeons, the word and, and then queers - you might get an NPC named after you on the show. And i am in desperate need of names for NPCS so um please help us out. That’s just a really cool thing that we wanna be able to do and it helps us raise awareness about the show because we don’t have money to advertise.

The last thing I wanna talk to you about is our patreon - speaking of money. We have several levels on our patreon right now. I should mention also the link for the patreon -or the web address is also on your cover art. But anyways, we have the $1 a month level which is access to some bonus content, some character bios that we’re constructions as well as some . . . you’ll have access to - We didn’t do it for this first arc, but we’ve got it up already for the 2nd arc . . . uh character sheets. Basically we take pictures of our character sheets and upload them that way you can kinda see where our stats are at and follow along if that’s your thing. We are also planning on doing player bios with some pictures of us and that way you can get to know us all a little bit better.

At $5 a month, you’ll get access to some bonus episodes that we are planning on recording. Basically it’s a podcast about our podcast! We are going to talk about our theories for where this is going - I mean not my theories . . . I know where it is going. But the players are gonna talk about their theories for where it's going. Maybe why their characters did certain things and we will be answering any questions that fans have that they tweet at us. So that’s just $5 a month and you still get the $1 a month awards. That’s not that much for good, relatable, queer content especially since we are considering starting to roll out episodes every week for a lil bit as a trial period.

Next is the $10 a month level. At that level you get all the previous rewards as well as early uploads of the episodes. I upload all the episodes at least a week early on to Pateron and you can be the first one to find out about it. So if you’re sitting there and your like I gotta know what happens next! I gotta know, I gotta know, I gotta know! You can know. That’s something that we are willing to let you do and get ahead of the game.

And the highest level we have currently is our inner sanctum members and that is $15 a month. And with that you get all the previous rewards and once or twice a month -er wow once or twice a month, that would be crazy- once or twice a year were gonna send you a secret custom - to a degree custom um bespoke - gift made just for you. The sort of thing that we’ll be supporting you know etsy shops for and and that sort of thing. Really cool bespoke rewards as our way of saying thank you. We are thinking of maybe having some mugs made up with the show logo on it . . . we’re thinking of getting some custom made polyhedral dice sets in different pride colours. We’re thinking of doing all kinds of stuff for it. I don't wanna say too many of our ideas because I want it to be a surprise, but something like that is something you can look forward to if your at the $15 a month level. And we are going take care of everything. We’re gonna take care of shipping . . . we’re gonna take care of you. You’re gonna get your thank you because you deserve it and you’re supporting us at this higher level which tells us that you really want us to keep making this content. Which is the biggest thank you that we can get, honestly.

So I hope you all are enjoying the episode. I will let you get back to it and don’t forget to tweet about the show and tell a friend! Thanks!

[END INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay! So! Night starts to begin to fall. It’s actually a beautiful mountain sunset as I said you’re kind of away from just the craigy rock outcroppings and in an alpine forest at this point. At this point the orc horns have fallen farther behind you, but actually from ahead, you see three quadruped shapes moving in fast from further down the mountain.You begin to hear vicious hissing and the clack of teeth as you begin to move closer. The villagers take refuge behind some boulders and our three heros rush forward to meet the assailants head on. The two forces meet and clash. We see that the attackers are in fact rats. But there’s something special about these rodents. They are -

Credence: Rodents of unusual size?

Sophie: - unusually sized.

All: [LAUGHING]

Mara: I don’t think they exist.

Sophie: Roll initiative!

Joe: They’re not in a cellar? [WHISPERED] Holy shit.

Mara: Okay

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: Uhhh . . . 13 for Lazza

Sophie: Okay sooo Who got highest?

Mara: I got 21.

Credence: I got 13.

Sophie: Okay. And what did you get?

Joe: [DISAPPOINTED] I got 12.

Sophie: Okay. What did you get, Credence?

Credence: 13

Sophie: Okay. Annnnd Joe?

Joe: Uhh 12.

Credence: And how many of them are there?

Sophie: 3

Joe: Ah! One for each of us!

[LAUGHING]

Sophie: Okay! So! First in the order is Ellywick.

Mara: I think Ellywick’s gonna take a swing at whatever rat is closest to them.

Sophie: We’ll say Rat 1

Mara: Rat 1! Okay!

[DICE ROLLS]

Mara: Nat 20!

Sophie: Oh God! I just watched that happen. I swear to god it’s true.

Mara: Alright Sooo . . . [MUTTERING TO THEMSELF] 1d8 plus 2 . . . sooo . . . 6 plus . . . 4 is 10 plus 2 is 12.

Sophie: Yeah. You kill this rat and Ellywick just kinda runs forward screaming and just skewers it through the face . . .or slashes it right across the face and I think its head comes rolling off

Joe: Just like the top part though?

Sophie: Okay! Next in the order . . .Rat 2!

Credence: Oh wait - wait! First Lazza’s like NICE!

Sophie: Lazza’s like Alright! Like Finally!

Credence: Yeah She’s like chanting in orcish

Sophie: Okay, next in the order is Rat 2 who is going to make an attack on Ellywick with advantage because it has an ability called pack tactics. “The rat has advantage on an attack roll against a creature if at least one of the rat’s allies is within 5 feet of the creature and the ally isn’t incapacitated.”

[DICE ROLLS]

Sophie: So 12 vs. AC probably not gonna do it. AND a critical miss.

Mara: Neither of those do it.

Sophie: DM’s dice are being naughty tonight. Okay! So that’s not gonna do it. Lazza’s up next.

Credence: Alrighty! So we’ve got 2 left?

Sophie: Yep!

Credence: Okay. Lazza’s gonna do a two handed battle axe and I think she’ll do another Reckless Attack. Yeah she’s just gonna come in swinging two handed Reckless Attack on the rat that just attacked Ellywick.

Sophie: Okay

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: [MUTTERING] Okay that one was not great . .. that one’s also not great. [NORMAL VOICE] 17?

Sophie: Yup

Credence: Yes! Alright, so that’s gonna be 1d10 + 4. [LAUGHING] TE-E-EN! Alright! So we’ve got 14!

Sophie: That kills it.

Mara: [LAUGHING] So far we’ve each killed a rat.

Credence: Alriiight

Sophie: Well, not Defiance.

Mara: Right. So far.

Joe: Pressure’s on! Ohh nooo.

Mara: Don’t miss

Credence: Can Lazza just like completely cleave it in two?

Sophie: I think definitely.

Mara: It’s cleft in twain

Credence: Cleft in twain!

Joe: Heck yes

Sophie: [SIGHING] Ooookayyy

Credence: And like she’s like covered in blood and right next to Ellywick, cuz that thing just attacked Ellywick and she’s like

Lazza: YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda like just like . . . shuffles like . . . they’re not one for violence.

Sophie: Defiance you’re up next.

Joe: Awing the warhammer one handed . . Ah does 14 hit?

Sophie: Yup

Joe: Yayyyyyyy! [MUTTERING] So that’s 1d8 + 3 . . . [ANNOUNCING] FOUUUUR!

Sophie: That does not kill it . .. just bloodies

Joe: Bop it on the head

Credence: Wait, wait. So did you get a total of 4?

Mara: Yeah

Joe: Yeah. I - I rolled a 1

Credence: Lazza’s gonna be like

Lazza: You triiied!

Defiance: Heeeeyyyyy!

Sophie: Okay. It’s gonna make an attack on Defiance . . . Rat 3 is a 12? 12 hit?

Joe: 12? Yeah

Sophie:12 hits!? Really?

[CROSSTALK]

Joe: My AC’s 12

Sophie: You don’t have any armour. Yeah okay.

Credence: We need to get you some armour. Oh we should’ve - SHIT! Did we get anything off of those orcs before?

Joe: I’ve got my tattered clothes

Mara: Dammit!

Joe: No we didn’t think about it.

Sophie: You could’ve, but you didn’t.

Joe: Nope

Mara: [WHISPERED] God dammit! Oh well.

Joe: ???

Sophie: Which kind of makes sense in a way because y’all were tryna move really fast. Okay so it is going to do 1d4 + 2 piercing . . . 3 piercing damage.

Defiance: Oww!

Sophie: As it latches onto you. Next in the order is Ellywick!

Mara: Kay. Okay. So you said it’s bloodied.

Sophie: Yeah. Does vicious mockery work if it doesn’t speak your language?

Mara: That’s a good question actually.

Joe: Oh yeah, I’m not sure

Mara: “If the target can hear you, though it need not understand you”

Sophie: Greaaat

Joe: It just feels vaguely insulted like . . . I don’t know what you said but my feelings are still hurt!

Mara: I uh - in reference to the attack that it just unleashed at Defiance there, they are going to say

Ellywick: “You call that an attack!? I’ve seen dead kitten hit harder than that!”

[LAUGHTER AND SIGHING]

Sophie: Does 12 clear the check?

Mara: It does not!

Sophie: COME ON

Joe: Holy shit

Mara: It’s okay, it only did 1 damage.

Sophie: Okay. It is fazed but not much worse

Mara: Dang it

Joe: Its spirit drooped just a lil’ bit

Sophie: Technically, that was a bonus action so do you wanna take an action?

Mara: Oh! Yeah! Sure!

Sophie: Cuz technically cantrips are bonus actions

Mara: Yeah! So as one final action then, I think they’re gonna do a slash

[DICE ROLLS]

But that’s not gonna . .. 10’s not gonna do it, is it?

Sophie: No. So you were laughing at your own joke so hard that you missed

Mara: [IN UNISON] That I missed!

Joe: Self high five.

Sophie: Next in the order is Lazza.

Credence: Lazza’s like gettin’ a little disappointed in Ellywick.

Mara: Ellywick’s just kinda like, shaking their head no at you like “you know what I can do.”

Credence: Well Lazza’s gonna reckless attack again . . . still two handed battle axe . . . so . . .[DICE ROLLS]

[MURMURED] That’s pretty good . . . okay 16 . . .

22!!!!

Sophie: You know, actually that doesn’t hit. I can’t explain it.

[LAUGHTER]

Joe: That’s the ~maaagic~ number!

Sophie: Yeah, that hits.

Credence: Alright, so we’ll do . . .

Sophie: Magic shield comes up around it, the divine rat god comes down and just shakes his finger at you and says NO!

Credence: Not today!

Okay, so we got a 7 + 4 is 11

Sophie: Yup. You cut it in half.

Mara: Cleft in twain

Joe: Nice!

Credence: Daamn

[SINGING TRIUMPHANTLY]

Sophie: As Lazza dismembers the last giant rat, a villager runs up to you all and says “Woooow! Giant rats. I didn’t think they existed”

Joe: [QUIETLY] Christ

Sophie: As the sun sets on these alpine forests, you once again have a choice. You can make camp here and recover from your injuries or you can press on and have a greater chance of escaping the orcs who are still undoubtedly in pursuit.

Mara: How far are we from this village we’re trying to get to?

[PAUSE] Do I need to make a roll for that?

Sophie: Make a nature check, yeah.

[DICE ROLLS]

Mara: Oh hey, I’ll take that. It was an accidental roll, but whatever. 16 + 2 is 18

Joe: You said nature?

Credence: What about survival?

Sophie: I think nature just because it’s trying to know where you are in nature, y’know?

Credence: Okay.

Joe: I rolled a 22

Sophie: Yeah. You’re still about a day from Northpass Haven

Credence: So we’ve got like 30 villagers who went on ahead who have probably made it there or are close to making it there.

Sophie: Yeah. so basically, it’s the same choice as last night. If you push on, you’ll be safer, but some villagers might die. And if you choose to stay here then no villagers - well you’ll have to make a survival check and then MAYBE no villagers will die, but the orcs will probably find you - Or maybe at least.

Ellywick: I uh . . . Guys I think we’re so close. I dunno it doesn’t make sense to delay getting there. I think we should just push forward.

Credence: So how many people are looking really bad?

Sophie: It’s about the same as last time. Really the whole group is having trouble keeping up. Cuz they’ve just been marching a whole day. These are old people and young kids so they’re in pretty bad shape.

Credence: Mmkay

Mara: Would we be able to use a short rest at all?

Joe: I was gonna say

Sophie: That won’t help the villagers, but it could help you. Cuz a short rest is only an hour.

Mara:

Credence: So we have about a day’s travel left?

Sophie: Yep

Joe: Yeah

Mara: And if we camp but out we probably won’t lose anybody, but we’ll probably be in danger of a fight. Which, if these last fights have been any indication, isn’t that big of a problem,

Credence: [GRUMBLES]

Joe: Well but if there are enough orcs

Credence: You know she’s raising the challenge rating the next time we have an encounter . . . Not to get too meta here, but

Mara: I mean still,

Lazza: Okay look. I know there have just been some scouts, but when a big group of ‘em comes, it’s gonna be bad. And if any of ‘em get through and we have a hostage situation or they just start killing everybody . . . yeah I uhh I dunno. Defiance what do you think?

Defiance: As much as it pains me to say, I think you might be right. [SIGHS] I don’t want to lose anyone, but if a large war band catches up with us, we could end up losing everyone.

Ellywick: As much as I don’t like it, I think you’re right

Lazza: Look, I can carry - I can carry a couple kids or like you know, I don’t know about you Defiance?

Defiance: I could probably carry at least one child and one person on my back or something?

Lazza: You know, like, we could keep the pace up for the folks who are really struggling, you know? Like. At least . . . yeah. I think we should keep going

Ellywick: I uhhhh Yeah! Okay!

[AGREEMENT, OKAYS ALL AROUND]

Credence: Alright so I think more than one of us should be allowed to roll a survival check because there is more of us.

Sophie: With the mechanic I had in mind, you only have to roll a survival check if you stop and rest for the night.

Mara: So, we don’t have to worry about it basically.

Sophie: Yeah, Basically by making this decision, it’s now out of your hands.

Joe: I’m gonna talk to the people as well because I think that it’s at the very least the honourable thing to say that, you know . . . some people may die on the way and -

Credence: Yeah what do . . . I guess kind of also letting them kind of have input is probably good

Joe: Definitely

Sophie: Yeah, they’ll do what you say. Y’know. They understand the gravity of the situation.

Mara: Sooo Question.

Sophie: Mmhmm

Mara: How’re you like determining who lives, who dies. Are you like rolling for that or?

Credence: Who lives? Who dies? Who tells your story?

Mara: [IN UNISON] Who tells your story?

Sophie: Well I think Ellywick’s gonna be telling the stories.

Mara: Shit yeah dude!

Sophie: I’m gonna choose a dice that I already have in mind and I’m gonna roll it to see how many people die.

Mara: Oh. Okay. Nevermind then. Cuz I was gonna try to use my bardic inspiration to like -

Sophie: Yeah, like I said, if you go on, the fact that people die is a foregone conclusion. It precludes the question.

Joe: I’ll . . . well . . . for anybody who’s at all interested, I’ll offer to kind of pray to the Triad for courage and for comfort.

Sophie: Okay

Credence: Yeah and Lazza’s carrying some kids.

Sophie: Through your relentless urging, the peasants make it through the night with only [DICE ROLLS] 2 deaths due to exposure.

Credence: Ehhh Lazza can live with that

[LAUGHTER]

Sophie: As the alpine forests fade into lush woodlands, a heavily fortified town’s outer wall made of very solid, vertically stacked logs appears in the distance. As you approach, a huge Orog emerges from the forest and fells -

Credence: Sorry . . . emerges from where?

Sophie: From the forests around you

Credence: I . . .okay

Joe: [SOFTLY]: Whaaat?

Sophie: And fells 4 villagers before you can get to them. In addition, -

Credence: Wait! Hold on, hold on. Are we seeing the other villagers that we had separated with?

Sophie: No, no. these are just your villagers.

Credence: Okay. so this, this . . . what does this aura look like?

Sophie: An Orog. It’s O-R-O-G. It’s a type of orc.

Credence: Okay. Sorry it’s hard to hear, so an orog -

Sophie: It’s okay! And plus I don’t really know how to pronounce it.

Credence: Oo- oorog? Or something? So this fucker just . . . shows up?

Sophie: Yeah, it’s basically the rest of the raiding party has managed to catch up with you. It’s 3 orcs and an orog -

Joe: Dang

Sophie: - and they collectively kill 4 villagers before you can get to them. So basically,

Mara: So 4 people remain?

Sophie: Yup. And actually make a perception check, Ellywick?

Mara: [THREATENINGLY] If you killed my boy! [DICE ROLLS/ PAGES TURN] . . . 11

Sophie: Yeah, you actually, you see Kenwick go down as the Orog sinks its axe into his chest. And I mean he might survive, but he went down.

Mara: [SIGHS]

[OUTRO - THEME MUSIC]

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