#only something my mum would do
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I asked my mum to pick up the Eras cup from the cinema in my hometown and she internationally posted a single use paper cup and popcorn box 💀😂
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feeling horrifically lonely on a saturday night once again
#my mum keeps talking about my birthday and how i should do something with my friends#and it's so embarrassing i don't know how to explain to her that i like. only have two friends and we don't see eachother outside of school#and the one i do see outside of school has like way more friends than just me and just goes on their phone for most of the time#and online stuff too i always see people say like#ohh i don't have many close friends irl but i have my online friends#but i don't even have that#i don't think i've ever actually been really important to someone#other than like my parents but they don't know like anything about me at all. things would be so much easier if i was how they thought i am#it's like it's impossible for me to get close with anyone#i feel like i'm just begging people to talk to me#i get like this every year around my birthday i wish i could just skip it#it just feels like a reminder of how shit i am at getting people to care about me beyond like. surface level#sorry for kind of venting in this but like i doubt anyone will read all the tags and i don't really have anywhere to talk#ramblings
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sometimes i think about the fact my grandparents literally overnight just cut us off and im like. how did u even do that. does it torment you
#eeaao's 'how did you let me go so easily' moment. like i dont let myself even THINK about this too often#bc i immediately beat myself back with the 'if it's hard for you then imagine how hard it is for mum. her PARENTS cut her off'#but like. idk. my nan i couldn't give less of a shit about which is something i always find so interesting#bc even as a child with NO basis for it or any understanding of her behaviour both past and present i still wasn't Comfortable around her#like children are smart actually. i just Knew her vibes were off and i Knew my mum was weird when she was around#like i truly dont think i ever loved my nan even when she was a very frequent part of my life#but my grandad? i ADORED him. id see him multiple times a week and he's the kindest man ive ever met#and hannah what i told you about my mum saying certain people have magnetic auras THAT WAS ABOUT HIM#like i cant actually put into words what it was about him but people just wanted to know him and spend time with him#but he was weak and let my nan walk all over him and when push came to shove he chose her and now ive not spoken to him in 3 years#& i KNOW he loved me. he thought the world of me like it's a bitter unspoken thing between me & my sister that we KNOW i was his favourite#he used to buy me egg butties at agricultural shows when my mum said no and specifically ask for two eggs#he used to sit and eat his soup with me when he came over to do work at the house#he used to play with me. he used to smile all the time. i can so clearly hear the way he'd go ''iya [my name]' with his proper rural accent#or how he'd tell anyone who would listen 'she's tough as old boots that one'#and i could make him laugh like NO ONE else could and he'd light up and go 'give over' and he genuinely enjoyed my company#i KNOW HE DID. and i havent spoken to him in 3 years. he'll be dead soon#and i cant talk to my mum about it bc it's her DAD it is so much worse for her and i cant talk to my sister about it#bc she wasn't close with him like i was and she just shuts the conversation down and those are the only two people#who know my grandad and know what he meant to me so im just here like. he literally stopped speaking to me overnight#i stopped hearing from him i stopped meeting up with him im so so angry with him the love is still there i dont know where to put it now#why couldnt he stay. why did he pick her when she's a loveless void of inhumanity. why werent we enough#hella goes home#my grandparents on my dad's side are also not in the picture funnily enough but idgaf about them. she got that grandparentless swag
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the only thing i can hear in my house is the ringing of my ears. why doesnt anybody talk?
#i miss my childhood#i miss when my family tolerated eachother#i miss when my siblings would say a word to me#its been months since my eldest brother has said something to me#and its been a week since my other brother has#the only times my mum spesks to me is to tell me off#or tell me to do a job#i feel so lonely in this household#depressing shit#dead inside#depresión#depressing life#depressiv#kinda depressing
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#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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You can barely tell because I'm still, you know, posting, but the amount of time I spend here has decreased massively. Most of it was just scrolling out of restlessness and not actually wanting to post something lmao.
#Tomorrow my break ends so I want to quit it entirely save for designated log-in times so I don't lose touch with the mutuals <3#I'm thinking every three days or so. We'll see.#Ok I'm going to cram as many little updates as I can in the tags so I don't get tempted to log in again after this.#I learned to prepare a new lunch (toast with cream cheese and guacamole) and it's good even with the pepper mill missing#(so only seasoned with salt and lemon). It must be even better with pepper.#I copied it from something I ordered at a cafe a few days ago--kind of proud of it.#I'm also kind of proud of the fact that even though I've never prepared vegetables before (bell pepper and onion)#I could do it just from remembering the years of watching my mum cook. Without even the intent of learning.#I just absorbed by osmosis which parts she cut off and could replicate it pretty well.#Overall even though the current situation re:life would look pretty grim from the outside for a couple of reasons#I feels miles better just from the fact that I'm not playing cards and opening Tumblr and Discord like the fridge all the time.#I'm on track to finish Midnight's Children soon and loving it. Idk what I'll read next but I'm excited for whatever it is.#And I'm almost done learning my lines. In the nick of time before our first rehearsal.#I'm also rekindling my love for classical music. And my love affair with ancient Rome is alive and well.#I also started playing chess again. I want to write... And I might pick up violin again this time just for me.#Still drawing a blank as to what I want to *do* for the next years but maybe I'll get there. I'm thinking of getting a job.#l33chsp34k
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#the problem is one day i feel awful the next day i feel manageable#but i have to commit or i will feel worse than yesterday#i cut my mum and brother from the Netflix and yt premium (i hate ads.)#I'm planning to pay less for gas and electricity cause there's no reason i should be putting in £250 a month for both#food im not eating so I'm not paying for it (oh but you need food → my case off it)#like i can't tell you how upset i am and how angry ive become and how incompetent i am at everything#I'm lucky that one of my brain pilots doesn't want to quit this job#but i just need some time to bounce back#can you believe this push came from a fat joke?#to some of may sounds stupid like you ended up taking a mental health break because of a fat joke#but it was the final nail in the coffin#i try to do everything to be nice and to be a good kid and none of that matters because I'm fat#fine#okay yeah sure#and they bitch about me behind my back about how I'm bad with money and how i gain weight and how my depression is an inconvenience#cause it's not because they care#it's never been because they care it's because they know I won't fight back about it#i said i wasn't sad and i was managble but I'm not#but i think anyone else in my situation would be angrier and sadder#my own family makes me feel lonely#the entire family#because people only call me when they need something#and i wanted to act like i do it to people please#i don't#if i don't do it they act like I'm selfish for putting myself first
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Shout out to the folks at work the other day that enabled/encouraged me to go on a lil infodump about being transgender and who had genuine questions and listened to my answers. Obviously it's not something queer folks should be expected to do but I love being a point of information for people! I love talking about my experiences and my understandings of philosophies that intersect with that and I think alot of cishet people are maybe uncomfortable asking blunt questions? But so long as they're posed in good faith and with willingness to think about the response, I enjoy answering those weirdly specific things. How else to we dispel the willful ignorance that places of power want to foster towards us? I refuse to he a scapegoat and am deeply grateful to the people that are receptive to experiences outside their own
#young 20 something mum and middle aged mother of 3#both just. asking *questions*#what do hormones do? when/how did you know? why is it so important to you?#these ate genuine questions seeking to understand!! and it means so much to me that i can BE that point of understanding!#adfhsjsj they were talking about periods and the younger woman was like. sorry if this is uncomfortable Jason#and im like. lol dont even worry i still get then too and they suck#older woman was like??? i thought hormones stop them??? im not on hormones yet i just naturally have hormonal imbalance thanks to PCOS#its just...if someone genuinely doesnt understand but is willing to learn? its a conversation worth having.#and i cant know that i always have a positive effect but i ways come back to the vaguely right leaning centrist dude i worked with at mcds#who told me i had changed his view of masculinity and gender as a whole#just by talking and explaining ny experiences#even if he ends up being the only other person I affect..its all worth it.because without me or someone like me he would never have changed#sorry i just get emotional sometimes thinking abkut how...probably the majority of cishets who arent plugged into tumblr#do not experience queer people. hell#im sure there are alot of queer people who havent been exposed to queer theory either#and it means the world to me that i can present and explain that understanding. that willingness to understand.#fuck man if you had told me id be doing this in my early teens id never have thought it possible
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So it's mother's day and instead of making my mum a "normal" card, I decided that I would make her a card congratulating her for *finally* finishing the quilt she started 18 years ago (life got in the way lol). Not gonna lie, I'm kinda proud of how it turned out
^^ the card vs the quilt
I love making silly little cards. I even included a joke about giving her a "paper pieced quilt" because I'm pretty sure that's a real thing (I realise I'm not as funny as I think I am)
#honestly if I could get a job where I made silly little cards I would be over the moon#I get such a kick out of making them#or making something that will put a smile on someone's face#I know that sounds really stupid but I honestly love it so much#but also fair play to Mum for finishing the quilt!#she only started to properly work on it a few years ago I think?#and she's had absolutely no idea what she's been doing the whole time ahaha#it was v important to me that I included the trim around the outside of the quilt that she made far too thin but simultaneously too long#she's also already started to plan her next quilt lol#but she's started to crochet a blanket so I don't think she'll be starting for a while lol#anyway this was fun to make but now my fingers are all blue and sticky :(#zonedout.thoughts#my silly little doodles
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Shout out to little brothers that always know exactly how to rile you up without even trying
#Demon Spawn#and a happy holidays to all!#ive been home two days 😭 fml#one of my oldest brothers ate the present he was giving another brother so he was gonna go to the shops to replace it after our family meal#i had to get presents afterwards too because i tried doing it yesterday and my mum argued with me about where i wanted to go dragged me to#other places until it was too late to get what i needed so i was like#oh me too just come with me he was like nah ill get dad to drop me home then cycle back down to town again and i was like ??? okaaay#anyway i finish my shopping and he calls me and asks me if actually i can get it for him im in heeled boots and the shop i wanted#was right next to the bus stop so i really did not want to go through the high street to the shop he wanted#as that would then mean id need to walk the half an hour uphill back home but i was like okay fine get to the shop and theyve sold out of it#since yesterday so i call him to tell him his options he doesnt answer so after i couple times i text him then carry on calling#i musta called him like 10 times and am about to leave when he finally calls me back only to tell me that actually he wont get him anything#and im like well what are you gonna do tomorrow then you were stressing about not having anything and hes like its fine so im like whatever#and head to the bus stop he then calls me back! asks me to get something anyway so im kinda pssed off with at this point but im not letting#another one of my brothers go without a christmas present if the rest of us have something thats just not fair so ill do it so i grab it get#home my feet are already blistered and i see ive got two texts from him telling me to tell him when im home so i text him ill be up in a sec#i take it up to him he looks at it - its exactly what he asked me to get!! - and hes like i dont need it ive got something else#and im like what!? all of that for nothing?? he did at least pay me back for it but fml
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okay thank god ....dont want to jinx it or anything but i got a positive answer from one of the places i want to go to for my co op class which is a career exploration type thing for either 12th graders that want to get the hell out of here so bad orrr very very high achieving anal retentive 12 graders...i am a disturbing combo of both. (i think i was a high achiever when i could just coast on like having a good reading comprehension through every class except math but now you see just like the real world + uni will be, when class started requiring things like paying attention....extra, self-managed practice...mla citations with severe consequences if u dont do it right i kind of fell off the wagon a bit. and my grades arent awful or anything but i do get whiny about not being able to get 100s all the time anymore.) anyhow. very excited about the place im going to it is the french public library. but the person my teacher got in contact with claimed to know me and i have never heard her name in my life unlessss she knows my mum which would make sense but i reaaally hope there wasnt a mix up...
#first i wanted 2 go to the hospital bc thats where all the smartest girls r going but then i was like no...too damn germy and they also#only had 2 placements and 5 girls wanted it and i am not engaging in melee style combat with the hardest working ppl in this class for#something i am sure as hell not doing as a career in the future then i was like FINE. i will go to this museum or the preschool at the uni#where they have the 2 way mirror so the pysch students can guinea pig them BUT! it would be too far to walk. not having a car is a real#detriment to this class for a lot of people..and my mum would have let me have her car and she would have just gone to work with my dad#cause they work right next to eachother but he just HAD 2 cheat so now he lives in the shacks on the base. harrumph.#remove later
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happy eurovison!! do your stretches!!!
babe it's been days since i did my stretches at this point im too scared
#in my defence idk WHAT was going on with my sunday shift bc i only waitressed 7 hours and that's a pretty normal shift for me#like im aware compared to a normal person it would be very difficult to just out of nowhere expect them to be on their feet#walking back and forth the entire length of a restaurant regularly carrying heavy things all the while keeping up ABOVE AND BEYOND socially#for SEVEN ENTIRE HOURS with ZERO BREAK like masking that entire time on top of the 7 hour physical workout#like it's insane if u think about it for more than 2 seconds and im really trying to bc every time i falter i beat the shit out of myself#and like? NO? my job is actually very physically demanding and emotionally draining compared to most people's day-to-day activity#it's gonna have impacts sometimes!#so yeah long story short i finished my shift sunday and when i tell you my legs LOCKED UP in bed that night#like mainly my thighs but it was all in my hips and knees and it was so bad that i lay there until 2am before getting painkillers#bc i couldnt hack it#which is SAYING SOMETHING for me bc im normally both quite good with pain and also a hardass for taking painkillers#ive had that happen once before (again after waitressing lol) & never worried about it but my mum recently got diagnosed with arthritis#and ever since ive been like. Looking at my own joints any time they even HINT at playing up#like i am RENOWNED for inhereting all of my mum's medical shit from mental to physical like i KNOW i'll get it it's just a matter of when#and yeah that was sunday it's now tuesday and my thighs STILL feel bruised#and im like. embarassed about it bc it's not like i did anything spectacular? and idk why it's happening?#yeah idk hiiii rori did u like me ranting about my physical health in ur stretch reminder ask sorry do u still think im hot <3#ask
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#i can hear my parents whispering about me in the kitchen and complaining that like i don't have a car or a job or a credit score and shit#like that and literally just yesterday i heard that i didnt get this grad scheme i really wanted even though i only got positive feedback#from the company throughout the whole application process and its so fucking disheartened#and mum keeps being like 'at least you won't be 6 hours away now!' like thats any kind of consolation#i dont give a fuck if it was 6 hours away it was doing something i really wanted to do was very generously paid and i would have really#enjoyed it and its so fucking annoying that theyre acting like im doing nothing and applying to nothing and going nowhere#when they know thats bs and ive applyed to so many jobs and grad schemes and either get rejected or ignored and im sorry that i dont want#to work a shitty minimum wage job and get a shitty little car and have to toot toot around hating it??#like im sorry for wanting something better than that??#and all you see is me here 'doing nothing'#whats the fucking point#whats the fucking point of it all
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on one hand yes a fetus requires nutrients from the parent’s body but on the other hand. sometimes people calling it a parasite feels a little strange
#idk maybe it’s because i was raised by a midwife#abortions are an incredibly important part of healthcare but also if someone decides to keep their baby and you’re only thinking about it#as some sort of parasite instead of something the parent is choosing to do and excited about it seems very dehumanising#it just seems weird and off to me#plus i hope no one in healthcare has that view but if they did i would think it could potentially also affect the parent’s care#because yes carrying a child will absolutely strain the body more than it might be otherwise but if it’s something the parent wants to do#then calling it a parasite or something. idk ive just been thinking about this#because viewing a fetus or embryo as some sort of 100% viable life form from the moment of conception is completely wrong. but also if#someone wants their child and is excited about it don’t be weird?#OH it’s because it feels the same as those people who are like ‘i hate All Kids i love when kids cry i would punt a child’#that’s it. yep. that’s why it feels weird#just thinkin out loud here bc people can be really strange about pregnancy#pregnancy is fucking wild though i remember having a conversation with my mum where she was like ‘yeah it can make a vagina change colours’#like what the fuck is that about#i know more abt pregnancy than the average person and it is weird as hell and kinda scary
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#last night i dreamed that i was trapped in my same patterns as i am while awake but the building i work in was bigger#and i was so dizzy and disoriented that i kept stumbling from room to room. up and down stairs. running into people who would stare at me#in confusion until one grabbed me in the way u do when someone is being concerning and incoherent and he made me sit in an auditorium#with a doctor who already knew my name. but then i was back in my messy apartment staring down at a lizard id let die because id forgotten#to feed it. part of my brain was in contact with my mum and she said i should come home so i did. i appeared there but i seemed somewhat#transparent. liked id been there a long time so no one noticed my being there was out of place. they were there but doing other things#i wandered into a room where some ppl i knew from hs were performing surgery. i went to wash my hands and the soap came out as blood#my sister tolerated my presence. which is out of character. she seemed to sense something was wrong. then i walked back into my current#apartment halfway across the country. caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and became transcendently angry#uneasy dreams. but at least i didnt have to get up at 6. i mean i still only got like 7hrs sleep at most but better than 6 i guess#its probably bc i spent so much time hysterically crying and staring off into space yesterday. by the end of the day i felt so awful i#wondered if i might b getting sick. dizzy in that way thats not quite dizzy#but today should b pretty laid back. still doing things but probably ill hace time to get some non work bullshit#done. hopefully. then its back to 11hr days until Monday#then the experiment is over and i havr to deal with the consequences. and finish my other destructive project#which has at least 11 days left#well see what happens 🫠#unrelated
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being friends with eyelash extension girlies is wild they just pull them out and leave them all over my house
#and i’m the only one who cares because my mum is messy too 😭#like i don’t rly care it’s not like it makes me mad but i would just never do something like that in someone else’s house 👀
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