#only asking for mutuals cause im not gonna take random random people's advice on what vpn to use. if i do use one

[ravs6709]

MUTUALS ONLY ANDWER THIS PLS

Do any of yall use a vpn

[brokenhayatim]

we might be dead tomorrow

[now playing the maze by manchester orchestra]

yesterday on a call, i had a moment of real possibility in having the decompression surgery. my neurologist last week said it was what she recommended and that chiari could be the cause of it all. so once i had it, they would most likely be gone, along with my headaches, then the meds i take would no longer be needed. it all hit me hard today and im feeling many emotions at this person who barely considered doing it for months. for god sake, i was in the hospital for it, a situation i never thought i would be in. (inshallah never again) 

you know some part of me loves being told i have a high pain tolerance, a big  part of me loves being poked with needles (!!) and loves looking at my mri’s. oh story time, the day my neurologist said something was different, aka wrong, i smiled in the chair and asked if i could look at it and went “ah cool!.” she gave me the wildest look but described all the brain anatomy stuffs to me. I told my therapist of this moment and he went “.oh...you were happy?” [types some notes on his computer] and i realized, normal people don’t do that and i probably said that badly with no shame. i wasn’t particular happy, but i was nowhere near sad or scared, i was excited. i think my dissociation makes me almost see everything as not mine. those aren’t my scans so i can be exhilarated and so curious about everything. or it could be that pain just isn’t something i worry or care for anymore. months later, i laughed bc something else being wrong with me, it’s almost fate. sometimes i wish i was terrified, but i didn’t care for it. i already had bad headaches, so what?

over these last few months though. it’s like i’ve made room in my home for it, i’ve become familiar with it, not so much comfortable, but so familiar that it doesn’t matter in the big picture. a secret: sometimes i feel really impressed and good when i tell of my imbalance issues, (vertigo), numbness in my limbs, the tinnitus and the nausea. sometimes..i wish i had more. i feel proud of myself when people have headaches, like i know the worst of that pain, and i’ve been through it. i don’t know if it’s because i want to be validated in having it or if it’s just how i am like that. i wish i could tell my sisters and everyone a whole list of symptoms, but all of them seem so useless and mediocre. i sometimes want that attention from just collapsing; but ironically, i hate being bothered and cared for with it. i found meaning in it all, i found a whole part of me within it all. i had headaches for 6 years before i, simply, told my general physician, and since then it’s been 5 (way too long of) mri’s and an EEG (that was certainly a moment). i wished, back then, i had seizures too. we called one of my pain symptoms “brain shocks” for years with that creative name and made it into this freeze “game”, and i just mentioned that two years ago in a visit. half of my identity is just on having headaches, of being in pain around people. and i’m stupidly fucking (sorry last day of ramadan) scared of losing that. i’ve taken more medications pills than i can count, and i know their purpose pridefully well. i’ve given advice based on that pain, i’ve helped someone with that pain. i’ll never be ready to lose that. i think of it and i imagine myself more empty. full of nothing.

the reason i’m writing this though wasn’t all that. i woke up and just felt this aching shame and sobbed, still am i can barely see, in my bed (so much snot). i’m so scared, more than anyone can possibly try to understand, of it all being gone. of never having to take a pill for this anymore (i still have dat mental illness so not those), or of never needing the knowledge of different types and locations of headaches. i’ve began to feel prideful in having a neurological condition. it makes me something, i have something i can tell. this is the thought that started the spiral. i feel something with this pain. what will happen when i can’t feel this anymore? what will i turn to next? what does the loss feel like? (is that corny or shallow bc it sounds so??) my therapist asked me ‘why i didn’t want to rid it?’ and i was like ‘i genuinely don’t know’ to which he replied ‘i think you do’ and i was all sIR i legit don’t know pls tell me. i made up this random guess and stuttered through it, it felt out of body almost, leaving my lips. what if getting rid of this physical pain forces me to submerge myself in my emotional pain and deal with that? i feel like i have none pls..me?? i’m chill sans the moments like this. (he also says my tether to pain is like penance, some kind of self punishment i feel i deserve..so lettuce chill bro). but the physical pain of headaches, the imbalance, the dizziness, even the numbness in my legs, i always feel something. it’s something i can remember in my head then move past. and when i remember it later, it’s intoxicatingly satisfying and i want it to happen again. i wish i collapsed or had to crawl to my room more often. i like..want to boast about it?? i remember that moment vividly being a ‘this is it’ one too. i was home alone crawling to my room bc my legs gave out and i needed my meds for my pounding headache, and i genuinely thought i was gonna die there on the floor. that moment of me hating and scared of it though is so fleeting, only lasting the day probs. and a part of me will always hate it. that’s normal. but that’s not strong enough to overcome me. it’s bittersweet.

“it’s not the same, but it’s similar to people losing their limbs, or injured so badly they’re forced to give up their career, or an addict quitting using drugs.” sure, but you can notice, you can see all that. this is all in my head.  unless you see my mri’s you would never even guess. it was why i wished my diagnosis was something with seizures, at least that’s something noticeably neurological that i can recognize myself. (am i a bad person? baby no doubt.) my old roommate once said she didn’t even know i had headaches often because i never complained or mentioned it. i would just go to the pantry and take my pill as you would with a cookie. and i’ll never be any other way, and i never was. i grew up closing the bathroom door when i threw up, washing my face after crying and walking back in the kitchen to my mom. i grew up missing moments of laughter and joy with my sisters to just lay in a dark room in pain, being checked on at the some time in the night. even to this day, i will sit in lectures when my head is pounding and i know i’ll throw up soon. anyways, my three sisters were talking about one of the other’s qualities and how amazed they are bc ‘they would never’. one of them had actually gone to class, and i softly mentioned how i am like that too, i think i’ve missed three classes in my four years (minus calc bc the class was more confusing than teaching myself). i said i’ve sat through night classes with headaches and with no meds for three hours and they were like mmm. i almost felt jealous that she always spoke of her small and big achievements, and i speak of none. no one even knew my major till this year. why, allah, why am like this? what made me too reserved and careless of myself? my education is the only thing that makes me feel worthy in the eyes of others...so mine, and i never even share it. it’s that, perfect on paper, that’s how i want to be. (because i know i’ll never be otherwise) i get up in a week of seclusion & sobbing and head off to class, sometimes i cry in class (iconic moments truly, your glasses hide wonders). last year i was sitting in this three hour class with excruciating (and i don’t use that lightly) pain in my head to the point where i had to cradle it with my hands and nearly bang it against the table from thrashing, i was in the middle of the room so i did a 10/10 job at playing it off. i never went to the bathroom or even home early...because i had another class after..which it persisted in. i had never felt that before in my entire life. another day, i silently cried like you wouldn’t believe in the bathroom stall (after uncharacteristically leaving the room) then wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and went right back into class. anyways does that even matter? am i even strong? i want to be so badly. for real this time, not this image. and i’m not. i’m barely enough as it is. 

odd tangent: i don’t care enough or at all about the people i should and i lie to make em feel good and feel better. i know people that love me would still, with this loss of pain, but i doubt myself, and i underestimate them yeah. i say 'them’ like i care what half the people in my life think or care about, it’s just noor and rose. i love rose but i don’t bring these things up, i don’t normally update and i don’t think i’ve ever opened up about my trauma enough for it to mean more than anything superficial. we have this beautiful relationship, yet i don’t find purpose in telling her if need not be, maybe one day. it’s different with noor. i babble all the damn time about everything and feel myself have no filter with these things. i mean, i mention noor to rose too, as if she’s a mutual friend. i care for them both. i love them both in different ways, both ways that are rare for me. rose wasn’t the first person i’ve met or cared about, but she was the first person i remember loving the way i do. i wish i could describe how i feel for noor simply, but i can’t. there was a long-while where she was more important to me than my family, even my sisters (i know, i was like uhmmm). i’ve written something, poem or prose, of almost everyone that was close to me aka 4 peeps (let’s not get wild here). and yet, i’ve written nothing of noor. i’ve written for her yes, but not of her. i tried and it’s arguably the hardest thing to do and i’m quite adequate at writing, if i do say so myself. i tried once in 2017, i stared at the screen for so long just backspacing bc nothing made sense. she’s my emotional support high school sweetheart that renders me powerless with my own words. (does that help?)

back to our scheduled program:  physical pain. it’s been maybe 10 years now that i’ve made a home for it. sometimes the lights go out when it gets bad, and sometimes i decorate with flowers when it excites me and brings something new. the house is probably the ugliest thing you’ve even had to lay your eyes upon, but it’s the best i got and it’s mine to come home to. i wouldn’t give her up without a fight. and i think that’s what my mind has been doing for so many months. trying to save my home, trying to keep every symptom of pain that i have. one day i’ll have to move out or i just die in here. both are changes i just can’t seem to make. i feel like i’m running out of time to sell it and move out, to do something and get rid of the pain. and, i feel like i’m making a mistake choosing to die in here, ignoring it and having it stay or get worse. if it gets worse, i’ll need help and the day i stop feeling like a burden to people, especially my family, let me know would ya. i don’t even often know how to ask for help if i wanted it - and then there’s being cared for that’s a nope to me. i can handle every moment of my pain from all my symptoms and condition, and yet i’m the weakest person in so much. i’m not a person that fears much, most times i find it impractical honestly. i reminded myself of that on my bedroom floor last year in february, during a moment of weakness. (also yes i use a lot of home analogies in writing ok) note: i’ve been mulling through this surgery decision for maybe a year on end now.

do i wish i was scared and worried to feel an ounce of normalcy? of course. but i’m not, i wasn’t even relieved with the diagnosis that day, went out and got pizza broo. even when i thought i was going insane. because what does it matter if it doesn’t change the pain? it’s kind of strange, but when i think of all this physical pain ( is it mental too idk??), i hear this voice in my head that smoothly and confidently says “gimme all you got.” i daydream of how much more i can take, what different things my brain and body can devise before i crack. and, obviously this voice personified does this...with finger guns.

[yeont4n]

Answer all!!

here we fuckn goooooooooo

we are bulletproof: if you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?

u kno that 1 girl from sky high whose only power was shapeshifting into a hamster? her. no reason

no more dream: if you woke up tomorrow to be incredibly famous, how would you react?

id go check my mailbox to collect all my free promotional gifts and then prolly fake my own death

i like it: if you could reverse any moment in your life, what would that moment be? 

there’s 1 thing but im not rlly gonna expose myself like tht on here smh

n.o: biggest pet peeve?

loud chewing/loud eating,,,,,,

we on: how do you deal with people who don’t like you?

i dont deal wit it lmfao it’s not my business who likes me n who doesn’t unless someone’s being particularly vocal about it:// in that case i’d prolly jus laugh about it

if i ruled the world: what would you do if you found out that you were an heir to a wealthy kingdom?

lmfao. idk tbh prolly decide which breed of dog i wanted to be known for loving

coffee: what’s your coffee order?

i dont order coffee often buh somethin w a lot of sugar.

cypher pt. 1: if you had to be part of a kpop group, what position would you want to be (i.e. leader, visual, lead vocal, dancer, rapper, maknae, etc.)

maknae i guess? how about staff

rise of bangtan: when and how did you get into the king and legends, also known as bangtan sonyeondan?

i saw a video of yoongi performing intro:nevermind in like 2015 n was :o ! buh never looked into it. in 2016 i saw the fire and bst dance practice vids and was like :0!??? but again, never looked into it. then finally spring day/not today mvs dropped n i FINALLY looked into who these boys were n jus fell down an ever spiraling rabbit hole.. now we here

satoori rap: what does home mean to you?

a feeling. i mean i have a few physical manifestations of the concept of home: my town, my school, my house. things i can return to. but really it’s a feeling isn’t it?? safety, familiarity, comfort, fondness

boy in luv: when you are interested in someone (romantically, sexually, etc.), does your behavior change?

yeah probably altho i dnt have many data points to go over rn

just one day: who would you want to spend the last day of your life with?

yall expectin me 2 say bts buh id want 2 be wit my friends n family . bts can b there 2 if they want

tomorrow: goal that you would like to achieve within the next year?

get into..... college.....

cypher pt. 2: one thing about yourself you wish people would appreciate more?

i never express appreciation n all that verbally thru words or physically thru touch buh i have my own ways of showin tht i care n i guess it dont count if i dont communicate explicitly like: hey ilu ! . what happened to actions speak louder than words smh

spine breaker: what is your weakness when it comes to spending money?

makeup!!!!!!!!!! >

jump: favorite childhood memory?

getting my dog tina!!!!

miss right: what is your ideal ‘type’?

physically i tend 2 like the boyish types likkee think taehyung inu era i guess. boy next door vibes; ive never rlly been into the macho build or the preppy, neat look, or the rough around the edges, angsty shithead badboy exterior model like i like my boys S.O.F.T.! puppy-ish!

personality wise i guess jusssss idk i’m gonna copy n paste a list of qualities i look 4 in a partner that i wrote for a different ask game a while back: Sense of humor, openmindedness, compassion, reliability, ability 2 communicate directly/emotional maturity, ambition/drive/work ethic, etc.

i like it pt. 2: dream date? 

yall prolly expecting me to say smthn like staying in n watching movies n eating junk but i’d prolly wanna go out n do smthn ngl. not a movie where u can hardly even speak or a dinner date where u feel trapped n stiff buh smthn fun n mildly competitive n engaging ??????? although jus chillin dont sound so terrible either

danger: have you ever had a near-death experience?

kinda not really it was on hampton beach n i had an allergic reaction but i wasnt on death’s door or nuthn

war of hormone: most embarrassing moment?

i bled thru my fucking pants in like 7th grade n it got on the chair! it was bad lol i was jus talking about this w my friend n she was like “yeah i remember that haha:)” shut up caitlin

hip hop lover: three songs that are meaningful to you?

moonlight sonata, ballade no. 1 in g minor, bts’ entire discography ties for 3rd

let me know: are you good at keeping secrets?

no lmfao . keeping my own, sure.

rain: most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

some words that have never been used to describe me, grace: spontaneous, easy going, flexible. the most impulsive thing i’ve done is prolly take a random sidestreet omw home just for the heck of it lol

cypher pt. 3: favorite outfit to wear?

cute jeans w a belt, a crop top. white adidas. i like dresses too tho!! n i really like layered clothes (a mock turtle neck under a slip dress or like a pinstripe button up under a babydoll fit blouse. i jus think it’s fuckin adorable)

blanket kick: longest time you’ve spent lying in bed (sleeping or not)? 

prolly 2 or 3 days

24/7 = heaven: what are you most looking forward to?

fuck i rlly dk . doesnt that suck??

look here: do you have any hidden talents?

i can burp on command lmfaoofdj

second grade: proudest accomplishment?

dont ask me this if u dnt want to be made uncomfortable by how genuinely unproud of myself i am lol

i need u: are you in love?

wit k*m t*aehy*ng? yeah.

hold me tight: does physical contact comfort you?

no........... maybe i havent found the right person but it’s not my cup of tea generally speaking

love is not over: ever had your heart broken?

no but now i know what i can look forward to haha

dead leaves: how loyal are you?

im rlly loyal if that commitment is mutual. w my family i’m ride or die i’ll fuck anyone up who comes for my asshole brother idc!!!!!!!!!

move: last time you cried?

cant remember,, i dnt cry much. prolly watching reply 1988 when bo ra and her dad were exchanging letters on her wedding day.

butterfly: most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

his name looks similar to my url thats the only hint im giving

run: do you like traveling? if so, where? what’s your dream vacation?

i dnt really like travelling tbh but i do wanna go back to korea one day. not necessarily as a tourist but as a diasporic korean person myself

ma city: if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

idk. i cant imagine not living in the states tbh but i also cant say i love it here either

baepsae: do you vote and/or keep up with politics?

i can’t vote but i’m in my school’s youth vote committee which runs debates for local elections and registration drives at the end of the year. i kept up with politics a lot more last year but after the election i jus got 2 bitter. i know what’s going on but only sort of surface level smh

dope: what did you want to be when you were younger? how does it compare to what you want to be now?

i wanted to be a teacher lmfao and i wanted to commute to college n save $$ bc i was a practical little fucker even when i was 6. these days i’m not that interested in teaching bc a) i’d be objectively bad at it and b) i was a classroom mentor for elementary schools and... realized i can’t work w kids tht small every damn day i’d rlly snap

fire: are you a spontaneous person?

no~

save me: your favorite place on earth?

rn??? m y bed

young forever: what is one movie from your childhood that you will always treasure?

august rush lol

boys with fun: you’re going on a roadtrip with seven other people– dead, alive, fictional, real, famous, or not. who are they, and why?

really......... seven other people:)? guess.

converse high: how many pairs of shoes do you own?

12??? 3 are the same black heel lmfao n a lot i havent worn in years but i still technically own them. i rlly b wearing the same 4 pairs in a cycle n 1 rotten bleach stained soggy mess for work shoes.

whalien 52: weirdest thing that has ever happened to you? alternatively, weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

weirdest dream i ever had was way too long to type out n had way too many references to people in my personal life to ever be interesting lmao

house of cards: when was the last time you felt sexy?

HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAH?????????????????

boy meets evil: have you ever committed a crime? if so, what was it? alternatively, what is the worst thing you have ever done?

does speeding count smh.

blood, sweat, & tears: kinkiest kink you have?

rolling eyes emoji. pass!

begin: who are you most grateful for in your life?

my parents!

lie: biggest fear?

real talk? failure. abandonment but i’m adopted, how cliche. also bugs

stigma: would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

date of death bc if i knew the cause but not have any indication of when it’d hit me, i’d be a paranoid agoraphobic wreck for the rest of my life

first love: do you believe in soulmates?

yes but i also believe you can have more than one! and that soulmates aren’t exclusively romantic

reflection: if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

get ur fucking bangs cut

mama: are you good at giving advice?

yeah i think so

awake: if you had to be a flower, which flower would you be?

lazy daisy

lost: how good are you with directions? do you get lost easily?

horrible horrible horrible. directionally challenged. i can’t even find my way to the fucking grocery store down the road on my own. if i ever missed an exit on the highway you’d never hear from me again, i could never find my way back without a gps. i’m dead serious

cypher pt. 4: what do you do to treat yourself or relax?

take a bath or a long long shower. eat smthn warm, drink tea, do a face mask, change my sheets n snuggle up watchin a drama or movie or playin sims

am i wrong: you wake up one morning in the hospital, knowing only your name and a single memory from your life. what is that memory?

wtf how do i answer this lmfao how wud i know lol

21st century girls: do you prefer texting, calling, or video chatting?

texting! calling if it’s a long story though

2!3!: your favorite thing about bangtan?

their modesty and grace ! they’re a true underdog success story >

spring day: who do you miss right now?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

not today: what are your procrastinating right now?

math summer work smh

wings: on airplanes, do you prefer the window seat, the middle seat, or the aisle seat?

window seat!

you never walk alone: how many people do you trust with your life?

4?

[survivorsentinelislands]

EPISODE 8: IS IT REALLY BACKSTABBING IF I WAS NEVER ACTUALLY WORKING WITH YOU? ~Keegan

John's out. Fuck.

And the first thing Logan says is "JOSH <3" like bitch I've been working Josh and he knows you were working him over pre-swap like the manipulative person you are. You've literally gotten out all my friends and I'm not about to let it happen again.

Omg! We merged! I'm so happy! I have 2 strong 5 person alliances (3 of the same people in both) I'm in a damn good spot

darians being messy messy messy!

adding like 80 people to alliances and making some is gonna do nothing but put a target on his back, but he'll be a nice shield.

i dont know how i wanna move forward, but darian, sam, and ned seem favorable? i love logan but i know logan and darian arent rlly friends so theyll target each other. who knows. i just hope im in a good position.

LMAO PLUS I TOOK THE IDOL CLUE NVM i dont need to worry about voting, but i want immunity and an idol hopefully

Finally a merge! This has been a long time coming! A lot of interesting things have been happening and it's only been a couple hours.

First, the Old NuAnadaman now has an alliance chat. DARIAN, ALEX, JOSH, CARSON and myself are all part of it, which is super awesome.

Then there's the Old Andaman alliance chat, with SAM, NED, DARIAN, CARSON and myself.

And I talked with SAM who's in an alliance chat with SARA, DAISY and LOGAN.

That's literally every person in the game I have some sort of connection with. Like holy crap, when does that ever happen?? For the time being, I'm not on anybodies hit list. Which is fantastic but also having connections to everyone means that no matter who I vote for, someone is going to be upset. That's not necessarily a bad thing, particularly in the case of SARA, DAISY, LOGAN, ALEX or JOSH. I've never had an actual alliance with them, so I won't feel bad backstabbing any or all of them. Is it really backstabbing if I was never actually working with you?

SAM and NED are the only two people in the game I won't backstab. SAM in particular since we've been decently close since the very beginning. That would make a fine final 3.

What I need to consider is how to get us there, without causing suspicion from other people, DARIAN in particular. He has an idol, and just gave up his vote at the next tribal for an idol clue, so he could potentially have two idols going forward.

Ideally, I'd like to vote out JOSH or ALEX next. While that will unfortunately give SARA, DAISY and LOGAN a bit more power, it also ensure that the original Andaman have a clear lead. After that we can pick off people one by one.

I'm starting to think too far ahead and that's not great.

Whew. So merge happened. I'm excited to see what happens next. I'm glad John is gone, he really had to go. Especially since at this last tribal he kept throwing out everyone's names. We heard him say everyone except for Sam. Now I'm excited to get the game going. I'm nervous people might see Logan and I as a threat since we have such a strong alliance and since we gained a bit of power after Logan played their idol near the beginning of the game. Also, our alliance w the rest of our tribe isn't as strong as it is just between the two of us and I feel like people like Sam and Sara could easily switch, especially since Sara has voted against us in the past. But I'm going to try to stay positive. Logan and I are bringing each other to the end, and I think we can get there.

An interesting choice has arisen. LOGAN, SARA and DAISY are a tight threesome, and they believe SAM is on their side. They are either targeting ALEX or DARIAN. Now, ideally they would target ALEX and he would be gone, giving the OG Andaman's the majority lead. However, it's looking like they might want to go after DARIAN.

So SAM and I brainstormed some plans, where the OG Andaman all vote ALEX, which would give five votes to him, probably three or four votes to DARIAN and maybe one or two to LOGAN, sending ALEX home. However, DARIAN told me he got the idol clue, which means his vote will be randomized at tribal.

Unless one of LOGAN, DAISY or SARA grabbed the idol clue as well, our plan might not work out too great. It could end up being a four-four tie between DARIAN and ALEX. I'm not sure we could gather the support to get out ALEX on the revote.

So I guess as it currently stands, we either need to vote out LOGAN or hope DARIAN wins immunity so we can actually get the numbers to vote out ALEX. I think no matter where the votes fall, I'll be safe for a while. I've got a good safety net with SAM, NED and DARIAN.

Also, my original plans of being a villain are probably going to be set aside for a little while, maybe until another game. I'm in too good of a position to throw it all away trying to be sneaky.

BITCHES I MADE JURY /AGAIN/ IM HERE FOR IT. Buttttt I'm going to win. So darian straight up asking me in class if im going for him is SUS as FUCK. But idc! I said maybe and he told me "lol alex said you wouldn't trust him lol" and stuff like that and was like "lol wish i could say the same" when i only said maybe to me going after him? Like

bitch

ofc im going tf after you. im here to win, and you are violent and rude and im not taking a lower placement than a messy playa like yOU

DARIAN shared the immunity idol clue with me. I'm kind of surprised he did but I guess he thinks we're ride or die together. I'm not going to complain or correct him; it's nice to have people wanting to go to the end with me.

Looking in the forest was highly unsuccessful, maybe next time I'll find something good. I still have my extra vote to use. I may end up using it at this coming tribal, depending on how it looks like the votes are going to go. I'd rather save it for a while though.

The immunity challenge is a flag making challenge, which is pretty awesome in my opinion. I like making things. I've already got one draft of a flag done, I'll sit on it for a few hours and see how I feel about it later tonight. It's not due for another day and a half so there's plenty of time.

Winning immunity would be great. My name probably isn't going to come up at all, so it's not like I need it but on the off chance this coming vote turns to rocks, I'll be safe. Plus who doesn't want to win immunity?

Okay whew, merge happened! Thanks Drew, my fave sadistic bastard <3 Unfortunately, first immunity is flag making and uh I'd rather fuck myself with glass. IM COLORBLIND. DREW INFORMS ME THE COLOR IS DARK BLUE AND TO JUST WORK WITH THAT AND IM LIKE DREW PLEASE, BLUE IS GRAY AND GREEN IS PUKE AND AND PURPLE IS DUSKY RED. DONT DO THIS TO ME. RUDE.

Anyway I'm gonna lose and go home byyyyeeee

Well, I lost the immunity challenge, which I don't think is a huge deal. But unfortunately, ALEX won which kind of is a big deal.

SAM told me that LOGAN and DAISY both want DARIAN out, which sucks since along with SARA that's a guaranteed three votes going to DARIAN. It's possible that JOSH is in on that plan as well pushing it to four votes.

Since DARIAN gave away his vote for an idol clue, that means the SAM, NED, CARSON and myself have to stick together to potentially tie the other foursome. We could probably get ALEX on our side quite easily, pushing that to five but I really don't want to have to rely on ALEX.

I talked with LOGAN as well, and if they're to be believed, we have a mutual agreement to not vote each other this tribal. Do I trust them? With SAM's info, yeah I do. At least for this tribal.

The one good thing about this situation is that Darian does have a hidden immunity idol. It may be in his best interest to play it this vote, just to be safe. Whether or not he trusts me enough to listen to my advice.... well that remains to be seen.

So basically, Darian is the target of everyone from Nicobar tribe, plus Josh who has flipped to us. Darian thinks that I was an outsider pre-merge, and that the last vote came between me and John, and that I'm lucky to be here, etc. He also thinks Logan has an idol, so they're probably gonna try to flush it and split the votes. He thinks I'm voting for Logan, and now he's trying to convince Logan to flip and vote for me, since he thinks that them and everyone else from Nicobar doesn't like me. It looks like old Andaman is trying to split the vote between Logan and I in order to flush the idol, and then get one of us out. What we really need is to know that Sara is still 100% with us. She's being very quiet, which makes me nervous. She only ever speaks in the tribe chat and not in the alliance chat, despite it saying that she's been active very recently. Which makes me wonder if she's already flipped. If she has, at best they split it between Logan and I and then its 3 - 3 - 4, and Darian is still gone but we can't trust Sara. At worst, Sara tells them that Logan and I are a strong alliance, and they go 6 - 4 and I'm gone. So basically, the outcome of this next tribal comes down to Sara, who hasn't answered my messages in a while. Fuck.

I have missed Keegan so much

Also Darian is literally a dumbassjflkjhfsd

I literally can't believe how dumb he is

Like I have seen crappy game play

And I have seen some dumb ass moves

And plenty of times when you just think "why would you say that?" But man I have NEVER seen anyone this stupid

If we had the extra numbers I would just say deal with it and let his ass go

Idol in his pocket and everything

But we don't

So I must deal

whew honestly

Just so you know

Also Darian Blows my mind

Like I know just went on about how dumb he is

But he got dumber

Ok.

Yay we are at final 10

Alexander won immunity. And right off the bat things got weird

Daisy approached me about needing to find a person to vote for because she on the outs of her old tribe But she has to vote by 6pm. So I told her Logan I started planning against Logan Until Logan approached me to start planning against daisy So I'm confused

Then Ned and Sam tell me that they are going to go with the nicobar people and convince them to vote me out. So I'll be able to play my idol and be able to take out one of their key players

And they will stay trusted for another week which will help us make our moves.

So I just told the hosts that I am playing my idol on myself

So I'm going to be the first to say

Congrats on a guaranteed f9 woooo no one else feels as safe as i do

I don't even know what is going to happen but it's not be

I'm also not voting thanks to that idol clue

Ugh

Tonight's going to be interesting

well this round has been crazy so far! darian makes 83 alliances and goes insane.

____

logan's apparently saying my name soooo fuck that

____-

logan walked

As bad as it seems, Logan quitting wasn't that bad. They tried to mend things with me; they stated that they wanted Nehe out because he wouldn't refer to them by their preferred pronouns. I'm using them to be respectful but I've never liked they/them because it's gramatically weird and that's the only reason.

I did win immunity, and it was cut short by Logan quitting. But I definitely redeemed myself with the flags from the first episode :P So I can die happy.

LOGAN has walked from the game due to personal reasons. I hope everything is okay with them. Even though I didn't have any intention of actually working with them, they were a lovely person to talk with. I wish them all the best in whatever they're dealing with.

However, they also makes this game a little bit easier. We no longer have to worry about this clusterfuck of a tribal. I honestly have no clue what was even going on with it. Half the tribes names were coming up and people were switching votes and wanting to play idols.

It would have been interesting to see what would have happened but at least OG Andaman has the majority. We can potentially ride this all the way to final 5.

I already miss Logan crying irl

I'm so shook that I made merge in a game that I didn't know I was playing until it started

im sorry