#onesided allenbert

[tombloodyfelton]

I simply needed to write this to stop my heart from shattering every time i thought about Julian's silent suffering. Someone HAD to come back to comfort him. I chose HR.

They force him into giving up control, to let his mind be violated in the most terrifying way possible. They leave him shattered to pick up the pieces after himself. Only one comes back to see if he needs any help. He doesn’t. He won’t make the same mistake again.

“Hey, James.” 

Julian stiffens at hearing the voice and the approaching footsteps and pushes his face off the wall to turn around. The godawful nausea doesn’t just subside and the throbbing pain behind his eyes and at the back of his skull is testing his patience. He wishes he could just go home and throw up into the toilet until he could breathe properly again, past the rising bile in his throat and the crushing weight against his chest that feels like it has punctured his lungs. But he feels too weak and dizzy to be able to drive himself home tonight.

He needs to be away from humanity for a while. 

He needs time to readjust.

But HR cannot know about the turmoil coiling around Julian’s heart, the urge to throw up, to shut down, to curl into a ball and scream his throat sore. Julian bites his lip and digs his nails into the softness of his palms to stop himself from breaking down. The pain inside is suffocating him, like his veins have been replaced by barbed tendrils of anguish dripping the deadliest poison into his heart. He needs to bring the pain and the poison outside, somehow.

But not in front of prying eyes.

“I brew you that tea I promised you earlier,” HR offers him a mug with steam and a rich aroma rising from the dark liquid, looking at him with soft blue eyes and a softer smile. “Go on, take it. See if it tastes anything like the tea back home.”

“Uh…” He doesn’t know what to say, or just can’t bring himself to say it right now. He isn’t feeling grateful at all. What he feels is an ugly mess of betrayal, violation, distress, loneliness and...revulsion; at himself, for letting others take advantage of him when he should have known better, at Barry for being the one to take advantage of him when he promised he would never, at Caitlin for having played with his feelings in such a selfish, careless way, for siding with Barry and trying to manipulate him into giving up his last shred of pride and dignity to be violated by Savitar; and at Savitar, for using him as a mere puppet, a mouthpiece, a pawn.

He is no one’s pawn, wasn’t that what he told himself when he left home all those years ago?

And yet here he is now, at the mercy of some phony god, letting the people he had begun to trust as friends pressure him into doing their dirty work for them and not even being slightly apologetic for the way they have abused that trust.

He is still a pawn. His eyes sting with a slap of hot tears welling up inside the sockets, but he forces down the lump in his throat along with the scream that wants to tear its way out of his skull. Hiding his feelings and retreating into his private shell away from everyone, oh how he has become a professional at this game in which he wins by defeating himself every time.

He almost laughs at the irony of it all.

“Please, try it, I promise it’ll be to your liking. I had a friend back on my own earth who was from London. She taught me how to brew a proper cup of tea. Said I was so good at it I should open my own specialized tea shop.”

There is kindness on his face, in the calming lilt of his voice, in the hand that reaches out to softly graze the edge of Julian’s tense shoulder. Julian brings the mug to his mouth and lets the hot steam brush against the dryness of his lips in a seductive swirl. He takes a small sip with his eyes still trained on HR, seeing how his expression blooms into a wide, pleased smile.

“So, how is it? You like it?” He is grinning from ear to ear, all straight white teeth and sparkling eyes. There is something about his enthusiasm that feels almost childlike. Innocent. Without any malicious intent. Or selfish motive.

God but is he sick of the selfishness of humankind.

“Yeah, it’s fine.” and as an afterthought, “thank you.”

He keeps sipping his tea as he moves to sit on a chair, feeling the gripping pain around his heart slightly give way. He puts the now empty mug away on the desk and leans back in his chair, tilting his head upward and closing his eyes.

He needs some strong sleeping pills right now. The thoughts in his head are damaging his mind.

“Julian.”

He calls his name in a strange tone, somehow naked, vulnerable and pained. And it is his actual name that he has used, not a silly nickname. Julian turns his head toward him, raising a brow. He has never seen HR looking like this at anyone. It leaves him with a disorienting feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he has just dropped down into a parallel universe or a different timeline where everything looks the same but doesn’t feel the same at all; like he is missing something vital.

“I know they hurt you. What Barry asked you to do was uncalled for, completely immoral. I...I’m sorry. I should’ve stopped him from going for that option. Especially the second time. I tried but I’m just a silly man. I don’t know how to do the right thing the right way.”

Of all the people Julian was expecting, almost hoping, to apologize for what they forced him into doing, HR was not even on the list. He may not be the genius that he once claimed to be, but he was not a bad person. He had never used Julian, or asked anything of him. He was just there giving people the encouragement they needed to do what they wanted to get done. This was the first time he was offering it to Julian. And Julian didn’t know what to do with it.

“It’s alright. You don’t need to apologize.”

HR shakes his head furiously at this, “oh no, no, no it’s definitely not alright. I don't have to be a scientist to know what you just went through, and twice at that, was the worst kind of torture one could be subjected to. They shouldn’t have asked you to do this, they should’ve respected your choice for not wanting to be abused like that. That’s...that’s anybody’s right to decline to be subjected to violation.”

The nausea is back, pushing its way stubbornly out of his throat. And the urge to break down and cry, right in front of HR. Oh no, he won’t sink that low. He will fight for his dignity if it’s the last thing he’ll do. He will not break down. He is strong enough to move past this trauma. He will not let anyone see him as weak and pathetic as he once was. He has left that part of his life way behind, and he is not going back to it. Not now, not ever.

“I...I appreciate your concern, but it’s not necessary. I’m not...I’m not going to fall apart and I’m not holding anyone responsible for what I had to do,” such pretty lies. Better than the ugly truths he is keeping under lock and key inside. Julian can’t deal with them right now. “I do everything on my own terms, I don’t let anyone bully me into doing their dirty work for them.” But didn’t they just do that, Julian ignores the thought with a stubbornness that has always been the envy of all.

HR sighs and rubs his hand across his face in a show of defeat. He takes several steps toward Julian’s seated form to stand right before him. Julian looks up with questioning eyes. Before he even knows what is happening, he feels HR’s hand against the left side of his face and the soft pressure of lips against his own. Too shocked to react, he allows HR’s lingering touch as he gets a waft of his scent, coffee beans and aftershave. He had fantasized many times about how kissing Barry Allen would feel like. He gave Caitlin a quick peck on the lips today but she didn’t return the kiss at all. He had no memory of being kissed by anyone. Until now.

He couldn’t believe HR has just given him his first kiss. Of all the people on earth-1 that could have done that for Julian, it had to be the one who didn’t even belong to this earth at all.

“Julian, please, you need to leave.”

He touches Julian’s lower lip with the pad of his fingers as Julian keeps staring up at him with widened eyes.

“Why?” He’s not asking why he needs to leave, but why HR has kissed him.

“Because Barry, he’s a good boy, he really is, but he’s preoccupied with saving Iris right now and he can’t think clearly with all this fear of losing his love clouding his mind. He will hurt you and he won’t even notice that he’s doing it, so he won’t apologize. I know you like him, Julian.  I’ve seen the way you look at him at times. And this isn’t how you should be treated by someone you like.”

Julian pushes himself off the chair to stand up. He refuses to discuss his unrequited, stupid love story with someone like HR. Or any other person for that matter. “No, why did you kiss me?”

HR looks away, worrying his bottom lip in a nervous fashion. “I...I don’t know. You looked like you needed comfort, and kissing is a comforting act, isn’t it? At least on my earth, it is.”

He isn’t giving him the truthful answer, but Julian isn’t about to confront him with this right now. He just wants this day to end. Exhaustion has soaked right through his bones, about to cripple him any minute now.

“I don’t need comfort, HR.” He says in a firm, steady voice, in contrast to how he is really feeling inside. “I don’t need anything from anyone. Stop trying to fix me, I’m not...I’m not someone’s broken toy thrown aside.”

He takes a deep breath as HR nods his head slowly in confirmation of his words, although he looks anything but convinced.

“I had Savitar inside my head for almost two years, what’s another trip down the slippery slope, ha?” He doesn’t even care that he is using sarcasm now, possibly working against his own case.

“You’re strong, Julian, and I know you can take this, but that doesn’t mean that you should. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.”

Julian snorts and runs his hand through his hair. “It doesn’t matter, HR. I’m just doing my part. It was my own folly to think that I matter to these people. I’ve never really fitted in this family, I’m just an outsider with some fucked-up benefits. I get that. It’s you who don’t. You don’t belong here either. You and I...we only have ourselves to fall back on. And it’s ok. We don’t need them. We don’t need anybody but ourselves to get through this hell.”

He places a hand on HR’s shoulder and gives it a firm squeeze. Then he walks out of the workshop with long, quick strides. He doesn’t stop when HR calls his name one last time. He meant it when he said he didn’t need anyone at all.

He has always been fighting his battles on his own. Why should he let things change now? He is strong. He doesn’t need Barry’s soft smiles, or Caitlin’s comforting advice. He doesn't even need HR’s misplaced concern for his wellbeing.

He has a god in his head and that should be enough.