#one year out from my breast reduction and i finally went bra shopping

[wimbledon2008]

nothing like a little retail therapy to cope with our crumbling democracy am i right ladies

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Modern-day Feminism And Normalizing/desexualizing Female-presenting Nipples: Does It Really Matter?

The other day I came across a meme showing an image of Savitribai Phule (a historical figure known as the first woman teacher of India), labeled “The feminist we want”, and below it an illustration of several women of different ethnicities (braless, with spunky haircuts, tattooes and piercings, taking selfies with their toungues out) labeled “... the feminists we get”.

Images and thoughts like this produce nothing but harm. They aren’t funny, they aren't proof that modern-day feminism is a failure.

In fact, both images are proof of feminism at its finest, and why it is NEEDED.

A large, and extremely important part of modern-day feminism is the erradication of the objectification of women, and the normalization of the existance of female sexuality. The point? Reduction of assault, rape and the victim-blaming that comes with it.

Still find it weird?

I’ll share a personal story to make this clearer.

When I landed in the US (San Antonio, Texas, to be precise) in December 2018, the first feeling that hit me was how liberating it was to not FEEL eyes on me. To be able to wear the clothes I always wore, but not have to be in constant vigilance if my dupatta was out of place, if my top didn’t cover my ass over my full-length jeans, if my bra strap was showing, and if the way I was sitting looked “improper”. And I’d say most, if not all, girls feel the same after stepping out of Sylhet, Bangladesh.

When I started university, I noticed girls sitting in classrooms with their legs splayed out, enough for their underwear to show if they were wearing a skirt. I noticed girls wearing shorts short enough that their buttcheeks hung out. Girls wearing crop-tops showing a whole LOT of cleavage to school. Girls scratching their inner thigh and their back in public, sitting with their phones stuck between their thighs, near their crotch. Girls who went braless. Girls with tattoos, leg hair, armpit hair, stretch marks. Girls with flab or with toned, tanned muscles. Girls wearing strappy or off-shoulder tops. Girls outside, running in loose activewear shorts the size of underwear and a sports bra, with their phone struck in the strap.

And for about one month, I couldn't stop sneaking peeks. I'm not attracted to women, but I'd never SEEN women be so carefree about their bodies before. I hardly even KNEW all the shapes and sizes legs and breasts and stomachs and arms came in. So I tried not to stare, but I also kind of did.

I also saw girls that’d start dancing, loudly singing, or climbing walls completely at random. They'd snatch things from guys, punch people, and then go to the gym, where there are no separate sections for women. Those same girls wore makeup, posted glamourous pictures on Instagram with their toungues out (and stories showing educational illustrations about female genitalia), and used accessories that were stereotypically feminine.

And I'd look at all that loudness, and I'd despise those girls instantly. "She's one that's out for attention," I thought.

But I was wrong. The way she was loud and active and attention-grabbing and extroverted? If a guy had done those same things, I'd have thought of it as NORMAL. She wasn't an attention-seeker. She was just being herself. She was being ... like a guy. Confident in her own skin, knowing that no one except mysogins would judge her for it.

Backward-minded people ... like me. A girl who has identified as a die-hard feminist all her life.

I’ve since had to rearrange my entire image of what it means to be a girl, just because I had the opportunity to move to a country which hasn’t completely achieved equality but finally has a generally decent society that accepts women not as “women”, but as humans (unlike in Sylhet). I’ve realized that I’m an incredibly two-dimensional person compared to other girls here. My traits are the same as a bunch of other Sylheti girls, because that's the only way we can define ourselves and be accepted as good women. I can't explain to you what it's like to walk in a crowded grocery store in which everyone from the homeless to the wealthy shop, and just know that when someone walks by me, all they'll see is a young student wearing a UTSA T-shirt. They won't see a stupid girl that's all alone in a large store at night. They won't see a shameless girl without a dupatta. They won't see a girl that's disturbingly thin or disgustingly fat. They won't see an promiscuous girl who actually dares sit down with her legs NOT squeezed together tightly.

They'll just see a young person. And they'll smile and say hi and move past.

I no longer stare at women's bodies, no matter what they're wearing. Not just because I actively taught myself it's not right, but simply because I got used to seeing all that skin. I got used to other women's bodies. After nineteen years of being a woman myself (and never even bothering to glance at men wearing nothing but underwear-sized shorts, because I was so used to it), it took me a move to the other side of the planet to stop over-sexualizing the female body too, even though, just like the male body, it's only a normal, adult body.

Because research says systematic segregation and censoring by society only adds to objectification. Because the best way to normalize any kind of phobia, any kind of new concept, is through actual exposure therapy.

Yet you don’t even have to run around naked to fight for getting rid of objectification and over-sexualization. Feminism is about free choice. You can cover as much as you want to and still support everyone else having a choice in their lives and not being forced into anything (if you’re a muslim, like me, you already know that isn't tolerated in Islam). You can still support the women who choose to actively combat objectification, and stand by them with your own CHOICE of clothing, just like them, and fight to not be harassed because of it (looking at people who automatically, without good reason for the particular instances they come across them, see headscarves as “oppression” or “extremist” instead of a personal, wholesome, religious lifestyle choice).

I can't speak for my male friends, but I daresay they stared too, when they first landed abroad. And I daresay by now they're too used to it to bother anymore (unless it's something exceptionally eye-catching). I daresay they no longer oversexualize women's arms, legs, buttocks, and breasts either, even when women are working out, lounging in weird poises, or bringing attention to certain body parts by randomly itching them publicly.

I daresay they wouldn't even think of judging these women's morals for it (I wouldn't).

I daresay they actually find it refreshing to find women with many more dimensions to them, women who are more alive and carefree and ambitious and LIVING. Women that are less afraid, every moment, of behaving the wrong way or giving the wrong idea, to be slut-shamed and victim-blamed. That know that, above all, they'll be treated as human.

⠀

[dwelian]

So a month ago the hard work of two years of jumping through hoops for my insurance company finally paid off and I got the breast reduction I’d been aiming for. It has been one of the hardest and yet most enlightening experiences of my life (ha, pun!).

I had the sadly common experience of enlarged breasts during pregnancy. Only problem was they had been big before the pregnancy and once the milk came in they were simply massive— at my largest I was a 36i and they were bigger than my infant. Unfortunately they decided to only slightly downsize to an F (or G depending on brand) and instead decided to become saggy. It was like stuffing a water balloon in an elastic tube sock where the elastic is giving out. And that’s when the problems really began. I couldn’t do high impact exercise without pain and it began to exacerbate an old neck injury.

I started physical therapy to see if I could fix it, but frequently put things aside to meet my other obligations because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone in my life. I let the stigma of plastic surgery (I was raised in the conservative South, it was looked down on to say the least) make me leery. I didn’t put my body first. And for damn near six years the pain slowly got worse. It crept up on me until I realized every movement I made was measured against how much pain it could cause me. I couldn’t turn my neck to the left. Driving made me anxious because if I looked over my shoulder too fast I got muscle spasms and a crick in the neck that could make me cry. I was cracking my neck every night to relieve pressure and it hurt. So. Bad.

So I said enough. I doubled down on jumping through the fucking insurance hoops and scheduled PT sessions an hour away because I had to stay in my current doctors group. (I hadn’t changed it when we moved to our new house because that doctor was working with me and my dumb ass was so self deprecating that I convinced myself a new doctor wouldn’t see how much pain I was in and advocate for me. That’s how deluded I was— sincerely believed I was making things more difficult in my head.) and I got cleared for surgery.

Friday, February 1st was my day. Husband (who is a fucking supportive CHAMP and caught me crying in pain one day and got behind this effort 120%) and I had a celebratory night out and the next morning I went under. Lord almighty our brains are marvelous things that let us forget traumatic experiences because I had managed to forget just how badly anesthesia and I Do Not Get Along. I was under for 4.5 hours and then spent the next 3.5 passed out and throwing up in recovery. The nurse needs a damn gold star for dealing with me. It was outpatient surgery and I swear he stayed later than the center was supposed to be open just to make sure my butt was lucid enough to get in the passenger seat and hold onto an emesis basin. I had drains in my chest and spent the weekend huddled on the couch trying not to move (except for my dutiful lap around the living room every hour to prevent blood clots) because the meds (or possibly the anesthesia was lingering) were making me nauseous. There was a spectacular vomit incident. The drains were removed Tuesday (good thing I warned the dr I might pass out because I did and I’m just glad she didn’t call an ambulance when I started with the spasms) but I didn’t manage to shake the meds/anesthesia/dissociation until a full week after the operation.

And then I realized it was glorious. I stood taller. I felt lighter. My arms weren’t banging into my side boobs when I moved them forward. I could wear a button-up shirt buttoned all the damn way up (the button strain was real, y’all). But most amazing of all was the neck pain. Which was now so faint as to be nearly non existent. I feel GOOD. That lack of pain was eye opening when I compare it to my previous state of being. And yes the recovery is aggravating. There’s not really a lot of pain unless you stretch or try to lift anything heavier than a half gallon of milk or try to do more than I’m ready for (I am SO guilty of that). And being denied any movement that raised my heartbeat for four weeks drive me more than a little nuts. I’ve had to slow down and be patient and listen to my body. But it’s been a month now and so many things have changed.

I don’t regret it in the least. It’s been the most marvelous decision I have ever made for myself. I’m not sure if these babies are gonna be a B or a C once the swelling is 100% gone but I’m looking forward to going fancy bra shopping in 5 months (colors! Fancy fabric! Not costing $120 apiece! NO MORE UNDERWIRE!). And in another month or so I get to try running again.

To all my Southern sisters who were raised to think there was anything shameful about an operation like this— listen to your bodies and say “screw this!” as needed. I’m not hiding the fact that I had this operation. I’m shouting it from the rooftops and advocating for anyone in my situation to go forward and change their life for the better. No one deserves to live life in pain. If anyone has any questions, holler!

[aworldinsideapersonprimary-blog]

Before the Nuptials - Nips and Tucks

When R. L.'s wedding day rolled around last May 7th, her nose, which she had hated for so long, had been at last fully repaired so she could stare into the many cameras present on the big day with confidence, if not a huge measure of sass. "With my old nose, I knew I would hate every wedding picture taken that day," R.L. told CosmeticSurgery.com. (She asked her full name be withheld.) R.L., now 30, suffered a botched rhinoplasty (nose job) when she was 16, followed by another surgery years later to try and repair the damage. But it did not work. She did some research and started looking for a surgeon who specializes in cosmetic surgery revisions. "My nose was an absolute atrocity," says R.L., who works in marketing in New York City and just married a graphic artist. She shopped physicians for the pre-wedding revision surgery by reading doctors' websites for information about their training and background and then ventured out for face-to-face interviews of three. One in particular impressed her with price, training, patient testimonials and a warm beside manner. "I knew I had to get it right this time," R.L. says. "When I went in for surgery, my nose was twisted, and the left side was collapsed so badly, I could not breathe through it. In the past, when a picture was taken, I made sure the photographer was far off or that only my good side was pictured. Once my nose was finally straightened, I couldn't believe I had been walking around so long, looking that badly." R.L. is not the only bride looking for a surgeon to perform a nip, a tuck or more before taking that walk down the aisle. Cosmetic surgeons and others report seeing many more wedding party members seeking procedures before the nuptials. "Cosmetic surgery procedures for brides-to-be, mothers of the brides and others in the wedding are up 300% over this time last year," says Cho Phillips, executive director of Lovegevity.com, a Northern California website devoted to engagement, marriage and other family issues. "First-time brides tend to have liposuction and breast augmentation in preparation for their big day." Yet another wedding consultant says pre-nuptial cosmetic surgery is so common, most couples should think about carving out a budget for facial makeovers. Arlene Howard, 64, a Beverly Hills public relations practitioner, had the striking good looks of a model in her early 20s. Now, she has an October 10th wedding date at the Bel Air Hotel in Beverly Hills. So for a segment of tv's "Dr. 90210," Arlene underwent a facial peel that took 25 years off the calendar – after a two-month recovery time -- and made her, in the words of her husband-to-be, "a trophy bride." "I wanted my outward appearance to catch up with my self-image," Arlene says. "It will now be the wedding I've always wanted." Compliments have been so encouraging, Arlene says she will also have a tummy tuck before the wedding. Says Robert Freund, M.D., a Manhattan plastic surgeon, "As the field of cosmetic and plastic surgery receives more attention in the media, cosmetic surgical procedures become more widely accepted. Plus, the medical technology is getting better and that allows plastic surgeons to offer more sophisticated rejuvenations, with quicker healing time and less post-operative bruising." It was another uncomely schnoze that drove Tara, J. a 29-year-old magazine writer in New York State, to see about repairing the damage caused by a surfboard that broke her nose years ago. Her rhinoplasty was done in February to prepare for an October (2003) wedding. "I think everybody noticed my new nose at the wedding," she says. "Because all eyes will be on the bride at the wedding, the perfect time to start a new skincare routine is at the engagement," says Keith LaFerriere, M.D., president of the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery (AAFPRS) which reports the two most popular procedures for brides-to-be and their mothers are Botox and chemical peels. "If a bride goes in for Botox or chemical peels, she should have it done weeks in advance because swelling and redness can occur," says Dr. LaFerriere who is also a clinical associate professor at the University of Missouri, Columbia. According to Leo McCafferty, M.D. a Pittsburgh plastic surgeon and immediate past chair of the public education committee of the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, (ASAPS) the mother of the bride is more likely to get a pre-wedding nip or tuck. "Most often, the mothers of brides and grooms are seeking facelifts or eyelifts, sometimes, up to a year before the wedding," Dr. McCafferty says. That was what drove Mary Anne R. of Brooklyn, New York, to see a plastic surgeon before her daughter's wedding in May 2004. Except, in her case, Mary Anne wanted less to be more attractive. "I've always been very large chested and learned I was a candidate for breast reduction after reading about typical symptoms such women have," says Mary Anne. "For instance, I was having pain in my shoulders and down into my arms from my bras which, in some respects, were almost like wearing harnesses. I really wanted to go to the wedding in a strapless dress, but that was impossible before the surgery. I would have popped right out!" Mary Anne underwent a breast reduction in November 2003, and says she had completely healed and "looked great" by the wedding date in March, 2004. "At the ceremony, I received many compliments in my strapless dress and everybody told me how wonderful I looked," she says. "Plus, my husband is my biggest fan of my new look." Jennie H., of Union Town, Pennsylvania, actually didn't think too much about cosmetic surgery until a close friend at her health club pointed out how tired she looked. "I took a look in the mirror, and said, 'My god! She's right! I don't look good." Although it was only six weeks before the wedding, Winnie had upper and lower blepharoplasty (eye lids and eye bags) performed on May 7th, 2004, and was healed in time for her daughter's July 26th wedding. "At the wedding, virtually everybody noticed and complimented me on how young I looked," Jennie says. Michael C. Bruck, M.D., director of plastic surgery at New York's Juva Skin & Laser Center in New York City finds the most common pre-wedding cosmetic surgery mistake is waiting too long to see the surgeon about major procedures on the face, eyes and abdomen. "The other busy time for special occasion requests is before high school and college reunions," Dr. Bruck says. "For some reason, those people come in much farther in advance of the event. Maybe they want to look extra good for old flames." About one quarter of patients, who visit doctors for pre-wedding consultations – but did not go ahead with the procedure – come back after the wedding for the operation, he says. "Once a patient starts thinking about a particular cosmetic procedure, it seems to stick in her mind," says Dr. Bruck who reports using a lot of Restylane, a filler that gets rid of blemishes, acne scars and some minor lines and wrinkles. However, all is not lost if you do find yourself short on time. For instance, David J. Goldberg, M.D., dermatologist and director of The Skin Laser & Surgery Specialists of New York & New Jersey, says some wedding ceremony patients come to him a scant week before the ceremony. "For younger brides, physicians can offer smoother skin through laser dermatology and some filler agents to fill out lips," Dr. Goldberg says. "Hylaform is good because it produces quick results and is a natural substance, so no skin or allergy tests are required. Those tests take time." Blushing brides find microdermabrasion helps makeup go on smoother. There is usually no bruising because the needles used to inject some fillers are as thin as one human hair. A current trend is giving cosmetic surgery as a gift. So, six months before opening her other gifts, Sheryl H., a 30-year-old medical transcriptionist in Springfield, Missouri, opened an envelope containing a gift for six dermabrasion treatments. "I had little dark areas of complexion on my face but dermabrasion made my skin lighter, smoother and fresher," she says. "The treatments make your face feel wind burned but your skin glows more afterwards." Mothers of brides in a hurry often ask for fast relief of crow's feet, wrinkles and worry lines. Dr. Goldberg says Hylaform usually fills that bill, too. But whatever procedure is used, girls – and their moms – just wanna look good.

Wedding Flowers    

[everydaymamaof3]

A New You

Today. Today is exciting, and terrifying and everything in between.

My daughter is having surgery. A breast reduction! These stupid things have controlled her life long enough!! Good riddance to them!

To most they’re just breasts. A part of our bodies, natural, a food source for our babies, they serve a purpose! For others, like her, they’re a HUGE annoyance and pain in the ass.... should I say, chest!

She started to develop early...about 10 years old...and it just continued from there. By high school graduation, she had D’s...4 years later, even bigger. They are heavy, they cause her headaches, they’ve caused her lower neck muscle to be thick and painful, permanent indents in her shoulders from her bra straps. Walking with her arms folded inward to take some of the pressure off, it’s not a way to live free and young!!

Shopping for her through her adolescent years was hell on earth. Never mind the usual shopping with a teenage girl, we got to add shopping for shirts that fit her breasts, and didn’t sag everywhere else, and usually left a mall with her in tears.

Thank GOD I had my shit together for her through those years! She really needed a mama who knew every facial expression, every silent treatment...I knew when she was having a hard time with her self esteem. I remember when we had “the big talk” the one we all have to have with our teens...she didn’t even have to say anything...it literally was, her quietness and body language before she softly said “mom”...I didn’t even need to ask or hear anymore, “ok, let’s make a doctors appointment”. That was it. No word of a lie. Nothing more needed to be said. I know my girls. I pay attention. One of the huge bonus’s of being a stay at home working mom who got to be with them everyday and raise them. I would hope to have the same closeness with them if I didn’t work at home, I strive for that kind of relationship as a parent.

Our dinner table talks are who, what, where, when, and why. Every night. It’s just natural for complete and utter honesty with them! No matter what the question is, or the situation is. Tell me. Just tell me. And we’ll figure it out together. They’re gonna make bad choices, and do things I’m not proud of, they’re human...I just hope they always know they can come to me.

Raising my oldest, we had one rule, you have all the freedom you want, to a reasonable degree of course, until you give us a reason to take it away. Keep your grades up, be a good human, and earn your freedom. She did just that. I remember when she was in Grade 8...she had several guy and girl friends and asked if they could have a camp out at our place! Guys in one tent, girls in another...absolutely! These kids were FRIENDS! I knew that. There was zero attraction between any of them. My husband and I would be checking on them. No alcohol as they weren’t interested in it yet, at that point...and you know how many parents judged me for that decision to allow it! I just shook my head...do you honestly think that if two teens want to do something sexual, they aren’t gonna do it ANYWHERE else? Give me a break. We checked on them through the night...made them a big breakfast...they had a blast. Just a bunch of 13 and 14 year old friends! No different than camp. Sometimes it’s ok to give them the benefit of the doubt..

Anyway...back to breasts...my daughter and I talked about her becoming a nurse and working on her feet a lot. The back pain that will come with it if she continues to carry large breasts. We have discussed it for years...and finally, when she was ready, we went to the surgeon together, who stated “oh my girl, how have you been living with these?”...

Ultimately, she made this choice to better her life. To give her more freedom. To give her the ability to live her best life! And I’ve been there every step, supporting her through this journey! We’ve waited a year for this! She’s been on the list for a year! Bumped twice! But today it happens!!

She is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen! She has a pure heart. A kind heart. She is the girl everyone goes to when they need a “friend” because they know she cares. She listens. She isn’t selfish, she isn’t a taker. She is a giver, but today is all about her! My baby, my daughter, I am so proud of her and so happy for her that she’s taking this leap ❤️ We get ONE life! Just one...and we shouldn’t live it uncomfortable, or in pain, or insecure...if there’s a way to change it, do. Don’t ever worry about what anyone thinks, or feel embarrassed or that it should be a secret...heck I get Botox and I LOVE it!! Smooth forehead lines...yes please! I also hope to get a tummy tuck...after 3 c-sections...mmm hmm. Enough said.

I’m not vain, or promoting major surgery, as I know there are risks...but I know what it feels like to live inside your body as a prisoner. To hate it. To be angry at it. The ripple effect is more than we know, and can eventually control us. Women...and men, but statistically it’s women, who suffer most from body shaming and low self esteem and comparing themselves to magazines and Instagram (best edits on the web). It’s not easy...but surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family, can sure help make it better ❤️ If my girls want to change anything about their bodies, I am there to support them 150%! I’m at peace with most of my body, I work really hard to feel good and healthy...but there are still parts, that I look at in the mirror, and say, “that needs to go” and that’s ok! I’m still a good role model because I’m honest. And honesty is the best gift I can pass on to my girls! Honest about how they feel, honest with me about how they feel, and honest with themselves. ❤️