#one time they put me on anti anxiety meds but it made me so spacey i broke a lot of traffic laws

[kings-highway]

a fun fact about me is that any time I publish anything on ao3, be it a new chapter, new story or a one-shot, I immediately become absolutely overwhelmed with anxiety to the point of physical discomfort where really all I can do is sit on the couch and hate everything I've ever written and regret ever sharing anything and end up stimming by cursing myself out loud for daring to post anything

so if you ever thought I had any chill about anything: no

[myectjourney]

ECT procedure #1 (4/2/2018)

Today was my first electro-convulsive therapy procedure and my first unilateral.

They had me check in with the business part of the hospital to take my insurance info down.

After that, a nurse did a standard check up and asked me for my urine for a spontaneous pregnancy test. My partner was with me during this process and they made sure all my medical history was correct.

Then they asked my partner to wait in the lobby and took me into a different nurse room where I was asked to take my shoes off and put a gown over my clothing (turns out it's a really non-invasive procedure in that manner).

One of the nurses had me lay down on a gurney and put in my I.V. and asked if I wanted some socks to keep warm (I wore flip-flops).

I want to add that they injected me with lidocaine in my hand (the spot they were going to put the I.V.) to numb the area before they put the I.V. in and I'm sure also to lessen the pain of the anesthesia when they inject it into the I.V. (that my speculation at least)

Another nurse wheeled me out into the operation room.

Up until that point, every single nurse was very friendly and each one asked if I had any questions.

When I got to the operating room, I was greeted by an anesthesiologist and my ECT doctor. They re-explained the process of the procedure and that this first one I was going to be shocked more than once so they can find my threshold/how much it takes to make me properly seizure.

They also told me I might experience some jaw pain after it's over, due to clenching and they will put a mouth guard in me after I'm put under.

The anesthesiologist explain they she will be putting the anesthesia in my I.V. and I should fall asleep fairly quickly and remember nothing about the procedure.

They put electrodes on the right side of my head and some on my chest to monitor my heart rate.

They warned me before they added the meds to my I.V.

I woke up in the anesthesia waiting room. My first reaction was panic and I started to cry, seemingly without reason. I kept apologizing to the nurses because I didn't know how to stop.

This apparently happens sometimes during the first few treatments. It's not something I'd say to expect but it CAN happen. I calmed down as soon as I came completely off the meds and they helped me up and back into the first room where my partner was waiting. They gave me crackers and juice, gave my partner a contact sheet for emergencies and said to take my time in there before I go and they'll see me on Wednesday.

As I stated previously, I made a form to track my symptoms after each procedure.

Results:

Long-term Memory Questions: Answered correctly and without hesitation.

Short-term Memory Questions: Answered correctly and without hesitation.

Slowed cognition? No.

Memory loss? No.

Attention span? Good.

Tiredness? Yes.

Symptoms:

● Dizziness and slight trouble standing

● Headache and nausea (mild-moderate)

● Tiredness (mild in the beginning)

● Slightly slurred speech (due to tiredness probably. VERY mild)

● Spacey (mild)

● Jaw pain (moderate)

● Coughing (from oxygen being pumped in me)

● Sore arm from I.V.

On my very long ride home, my headache and nausea got worse but that was mostly due to stop and go traffic.

When I got home, I took a 5 hour nap and woke up still with a headache, slight disorientation and extremely MILD nausea. I also hadn't eaten since the night before so I'm sure that was a part of it.

We'll see how I sleep tonight.

~ End of ECT day #1 ~

UPDATE:

My insomnia meds continued to work and I slept fairly well. I did wake up extremely sore around my neck though.

I also have another theory on why I panicked after I woke up from anesthesia: I take a drug normally that helps my anxiety and they flush it all out of my body before they perform the procedure (because its technically an anti-seizure/convulsive drug). Maybe the panic came because my body was shocked to have it all completely out of my system? Just an idea.

[disco-computer]

He looked like he had just eaten vanilla ice cream very messily...

Title: Happy Endings/Brotzman gets a blow-job                                                                                              Plot: Dirk wants to convince Todd to quit his mundane job and join him in the detective agency. He does a special favor that Todd has been dreaming about to convince him.                                                                                            Warning: Strong sexual content. Mature audience.                                          Contains smut                                                                                                          Dirk/Todd, obviously. :-) 

Todd Brotzman was tired. Exhausted, over-worked and just plain stressed out. The dark circles under his eyes became more noticeable as he no longer felt human. He was a machine - programmed to finish typing everything by the set due date given and programmed to make everyone happy. It was draining him. He started this new job as an editor around 3 months ago after all the crazy shit happened - with Dirk, the corgi and what-not. He was happy that Amanda is taking care of herself now, though he still worried about her of course. It was close to the weekend and Todd should have enough money in his bank account to cover rent - with a couple extra hundred for spending. Not bad for a man in his thirties who sometimes felt like he desperately fucked up somewhere along his life course. There is hope. He reaches for the anti-anxiety meds under his desk and is reminded that he’s seeing Dirk tomorrow for some catching up. A feeling of happiness slithers up his spine followed by a mild tightness in the chest. He didn’t know if this was normal anxiety about not having seen Dirk for a while or pure excitement about it.

Dirk Gently was doing well for himself. He still had his own nice flat decorated by his favorite art pieces and the plan for his detective agency was falling into place nicely - he was just getting everything organized; contacts, business cards, a spacey desk especially for Todd and Farah’s very own walk-in closet. Something Dirk was slightly jealous about - he did want the closet for himself but being a detective means making some sacrifices to accommodate the crew. Today was Thursday - oh shit…he’s seeing Todd Brotzman tomorrow! A date they had to set into place about 2 weeks ago. Dirk thinks very highly of Todd, his sexy assistant with a bad boy attitude and gorgeous blue eyes. Dirk has a plan to convince Todd to completely quit his day job so he can commit to being his assistant full-time. Dirk would love to have that boy on call! He slips into a daydream about it and thinks of their last sexual encounter. Dirk had spent the night at Todd’s place, it had been a long night of detective’s work but was followed by a glorious morning of rubbing cocks together in the shower. They haven’t had sex yet, but Dirk keeps a little bottle of lube in the medicine cabinet, just in case. Suddenly a ping on his phone reminds him of the package that should be arriving today. He not only ordered business cards for himself but some for Todd & Farah as well. In all seriousness Dirk and Todd should be able to both make a decent salary at this, as well as Farah. They just had to commit. Clients pay well to good detective work and rewards for catching bad guys can be generous.

Friday morning. Todd finishes up some loose ends on his laptop. He stayed up late to make sure all of the articles sent in from his boss are finished so he can have today all for Dirk. It had been a little while since the two crashed together and the lack of Mexican Funeral groupies has Todd completely sex starved. Not that there were many groupies, but there was the occasional hot girl from time to time. Todd had no trouble getting sex, if he wanted it. He also thought about Dirk often. Dirk was a very different fantasy for him. Todd can be a little girl crazy but sometimes he thinks he’s fallen completely gay for Dirk. Especially because he couldn’t stop thinking about Dirk’s bum. Dirk always wore tight pants hugging his backside and whether it was intentional that he was showing off or not it was definitely having an affect on Todd. He wants to bend Dirk over on the detective’s desk, pull his pants down and stuff Dirk with his oversized cock, making him cry out. Dirk would love it and beg for Todd to fuck him harder until it hurts. They would probably break the desk from being so vigorous! Just what Dirk always wanted - to be fucked super hard by his hot assistant. At least, what Todd hoped he wanted. It’s something Todd wants to finish off sweetly though, holding Dirk at the end and letting him know they belong to each other. Finishing the dishes which had piled up for a week, Todd heads out the door remembering to bring his laptop with him incase his boss sent any unwanted e-mails. He also bought a little something for Dirk - a custom made Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency coffee mug which he had made at a local shop which custom designs things. The letters were bold bright red bold across the white cup. Todd was sure he would love it. He placed it in a brown paper bag and headed out the door.

At the arcade, Dirk is already tied up in a game of space invaders when Todd rolls up beside him. “Mind if I join in?”

“Todd!” gasped Dirk with excitement. He forgets the game and gives Todd a big hug, holding him tightly. Todd rubs Dirk’s back. The two naturally pull away, but are still holding hands.

“Todd, what have you been doing!? Are you okay!?”

“Yes, Dirk. Just working hard. That’s all.” and lands him a kiss on the cheek.

Dirk’s heart flutters with the excitement of seeing Todd, and it already feels like they are back to being boyfriends. Todd places 4 coins in the machine and the two of them play intense rounds of the space invaders game while catching up. Todd explains he is sorry for being distant and Dirk tells Todd how things are falling into place nicely for his detective business - How he has everything planned out - as long as there were still some remaining funds from the Patrick Spring case. After some time the noises of the video game end as Dirk beats Todd, 2 out of 3 rounds. “Ha.” stated Dirk, “I don’t usually beat you at this one.” Todd pouted but only a little bit. They then start walking towards the exit and get into Dirk’s flashy sports car for a ride back to his place.

Todd is astonished upon entering Dirk’s apartment. The fresh scent of the still new apartment, he sees the work desk accompanied by modern art decoration. “Dirk, this is awesome! Here, I bought you a little something. It’s not much but I thought with the new business, you might want something to promote it.” Dirk opens the brown paper bag and his eyes are widened by the customized gift. “Todd…It’s perfect!! Absolutely brilliant. I’ll use it for my morning tea!” Todd laughs and seeing Dirk’s joy from receiving the small gift from him warms Todd.

“Todd, I want you to listen to me. I hate what your lifestyle is doing to you, you’re always worried and constantly stressed out. I want you to live with me. Together you and I can run this detective agency and I know you will be happier.”

Todd smiles, even blushes slightly and takes Dirk’s hand. “I know. I want that too Dirk, but I have to do this for the best of us. I want to support your business so that’s why I’m working this shitty job. It’s hell right now but it will pay off.”

“You don’t have to,” Pushes Dirk. He grips Todd’s hand tighter and tells him firmly. “If we are together at this you don’t have to be miserable. I want you to quit that job and work together with me. We will be happier and might I remind you more time for an afternoon of cuddling on the job.

Dirk lifts up Todd, thought they have about the same strength Dirk can manage to carry his partner since he is slightly shorter. Dirk carries Todd into the bedroom and lays him down on the bed, which Todd loves. The passion gets heavy. They are kissing hard. Dirk glides his tongue over the front row of Todd’s teeth, feeling the texture of the slight gap in the middle. Todd is savoring the taste of Dirk’s lips with a growing erection pushing tight on his zipper. Not thinking they are going to last much longer, Todd pushes away.

“Dirk….I love you. I fucking love you.”

“Quit your job then, Todd. You know it’s the right thing for you to do.”

“Stop it Dirk, stop it! In an angry fit, Todd just starts kissing Dirk again and they almost return to making out when this time Dirk pulls away, both breathing heavily. “What can I do to convince you Todd, that this is what is right for us. Join me and it will make the two of us happy. We’ve put this off for too long!”

“Ok Then Dirk. I want us to be happy. I really want you to suck my dick.”

“What…?” Dirk’s eyes lit up but he was doubting what his own ears thought he heard.

“Dirk, I want you to suck my cock…” he gazes up at him, holding Dirk’s hand and waiting for a response.

Dirk lets out an uncontrollable grin and as he is stripped down to a tight white undershirt, showing off his tone and tight bum hugging boxer briefs. Todd is shirtless and unzips his jeans, pulls them down to expose his full boner. Dirk nearly feels his mouth watering like Todd’s cock was a prized gourmet meal. This time Dirk does not argue with Todd. He positions himself down on his knees while Todd gets seated at the edge of the bed. He wraps his lips tightly around Todd’s big cock and it is delicious to Dirk. Moving his head up and down to accommodate Todd’s length Dirk is also challenged with widening his jaw in a way that he can fit as much of it into his mouth as he possibly can. Todd is moaning with intense pleasure.

“Oh, oh, ah, AH!!” Todd lets out in-between heavy breathing as Dirk sucks him hard and savoring the length of his penis. Todd is watching with one fist pressed down to the bed clutching onto the sheets and he uses his other hand to push down on Dirk’s head. Dirk is loving every minute of giving Todd a blow job. The hardness of Todd’s cock inside his mouth felt amazing. “Ah…Ahh!” Todd continued with a smile, eyes closed as Dirk feels Todd come into him. His semen pours into Dirk’s mouth filling his taste buds with a sweet and bitter warmness. Dirk holds it onto his tongue for a few seconds, savoring the flavor before a full swallow to consume it. He didn’t realize how messy it was until he raised his head up to look at his partner. Todd giggles at the sight of cum dripping from Dirk’s mouth. He looked like he had just eaten vanilla ice cream very messily. Dirk just laughed and licked his lips to taste it again, wiping some of the excess off with the bedsheet. He tasted so fucking good. Todd can’t seem to wipe the smile off his face either.

The two crash on the bed and cuddle together naked and they can’t stop laughing and giggling about what just happened. “Thank you, Dirk. That was really great.” Todd stated, brushing his hand against Dirk’s cheek. They smiled at each other endlessly. “I think I will have to take you up on your offer Dirk, especially if there’s going to be more of this.” says Todd.

“I would definitely hope so.”, replies Dirk. Todd kisses him and the taste of his own seed on Dirk’s lips is a savory reminder that Dirk belongs to him. The two of them get dressed and head into the living room to continue cuddling and they watch a program on Animal Planet about caring for new puppies.

They watch tv for about a half hour to rest from their encounter. Then there’s a knock on the door. Dirk gets up to answer and its Farah. She greets both of them. “Todd! It’s been so long! I’m glad you’re here. ” She says with excitement. Farah always looked so fabulous. Today she was wearing her green jacket with slim black pants. Maroon blush applied to her high cheekbones which always paired so well with her face and eyes. “Here, I have something to show you guys, She takes her big red designer handbag and pulls out 3 pistols, black leather holsters included. “I figured we’d need some weapons since were going to be in this thing alone.” Todd looks astonished when Farah hands him his pistol. He loves it. “Thank You” he says. Dirk is shocked at first and he is usually skeptical about carrying such a weapon but the customized bright yellow handle won him over. Todd’s was bright blue and Farah carried the red one. While Todd enjoys the look and feel of his new pistol Farah and Dirk go into the kitchen discussing the remaining plans about the agency. Todd suddenly remembers something rash and puts away the gun, pulls his laptop out of his bag and opens the draft e-mail to his boss about his resignation. He didn’t even give a 2 weeks’ notice. After what just happened Todd was sure that he made up his mind.

When Todd finishes and sends the e-mail he enters the kitchen to tell Dirk and Farah about what he’d just done. Dirk nearly spilled his tea and squealed of excitement when Todd told him the news. “Oh Todd! This is incredible. Together we will be the power of 3!” Farah shot both of them a smirk when she sees that Dirk and Todd are holding both of their hands together and gazing into each other’s’ eyes. “Yeah…” started Todd, looking up at Farah. “Were totally boyfriends again!” finishes Dirk with a quirky smile and the two of them kiss, but only a peck in avoidance of putting on a show in front of Farah. “It’s not like I didn’t know!” She rolled her eyes laughing. Her cellphone rings and she suddenly has to go, for now. “Bye Farah!” They both said. ‘Thanks for the weapons!“ She heads out the door hurriedly and Todd turns to Dirk. He pulls out his phone and puts on a happy 70’s disco track "Upside Down” by Diana Ross and the two of them dance together in the kitchen to celebrate the new alliance. Todd was no longer a slave to routine and being with Dirk was all he really wanted. Dirk couldn’t be any happier to have Todd either. It was a happy day ��Er�: