#one second im aching for a gf and the next i get anxious thinking about it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

happydays-xd · 5 years ago

Text

how are you?

what have you been up to?

i miss you

do you miss me?

i'm still in love with you

i wake up every morning, with a void in my heart - so empty that it hurts

idk what to do with my day - i know what i should do but i can never pull myself to do it

i can't stop checking if you're online

when i look at my phone, the only thing i think about is you

my mind is constantly thinking about you

there's not a minute where i stop thinking about you

i totally deserve this - the punishment i must endure for the shit that i have done to you

i know i should independently find my own happiness - but honestly you were the best happiness that i had found

i wish i can ask back for what i had lost

did you want to start again?

we don't have to continue from where we had left off

let's be true and honest with each other and tell what we want and need each other to do - additionally as well as what we shouldn't do

i would do anything.. to be with you again

i know our relationahip was toxic... but being with you has been an amazing experience. it's an experience that i still want to keep with and i know it's hard for the both of us but i really want to make it work. ive always held on and made sure that i didnt lose you but now that i have, i really regret it. in saying this though, im only asking but also hoping, if you were to ever want to start again - im always here. it's been 3 weeks since we broke up and honestly, it's been a grueling 3 weeks. it's been a week since we stopped talking and the whole experience has just been so difficult to move on from. my days feels so slow and i always just wake up being reminded that i have no one to really talk to. friends are not just the same. losing a s/o wasnt the only thing i lost. i lost a best friend. i lost my only partner in crime, my number one supporter and... you were my everything.

It's a month now and two months since the incident. I still greatly regret what I have done. I also hate myself for it. You're now going to therapy because of it and idk when you will ever forgive me but I don't think I will ever forgive myself, and this feeling will never reside. I'm so sorry for what I have done to you. I should of said something. I should of just asked. All I needed to do was ask you. I hope that the therapy will help you get back on track and whether or not you forgive me, I don't really mind. Because I know that what you're feeling right now and then is more painful and hurtful than mine. So I deserve this. I derserve whatever punishment I will take or that will come at me.

I'm still getting over you. I'm still waking up every day feeling sad and empty. I can't famine the lost of someone that was so important to me. Everything I do reminds me of you. No matter what I do I can't forget you. I don't understand why I am not able to let go of you. I can't seem to distract myself enough to realise that I am just hurting myself. Why am I like this?

I'm slowly healing but I'm also still in love with you. I still have the smallest hope in ever being with you again. I hope that everyone is doing well and is okay. I miss the little one. I miss the loving mother. I miss the great father. I miss the realest sister. I miss them all so much and most of all, I miss you. It still feels extremely lonely. I try my best to cheer myself up and make an attempt to go out and socialise with other people, but it's just not the same when I get home - or when I am driving home by myself. The feeling of no one next time me. The presence of someone just by my side. Someone who loved me... It still hurts that you are gone and it hurts more that I don't know what you are doing now and that you have completely shut yourself away from me. I guess I can understand because you probably can't stand seeing me or you can't resist reaching out to me. I get it.. You just want to move on... I'm always here for you, you know that right?... and I'm always here... if you want to start again

It's almost our 2 year anniversary.. I know it probably doesn't mean anything anymore since we're not together but, the thought of it still hurts. I don't know if I have moved on from you. I look back now to all the arguments that we had and the amount of patience I had for you. It was hard for me to accept it. I had someone asked me why I loved you, or what was it that I missed about you. For reason I had trouble for a bit to think of something that I genuinely missed. I appreciated you for the amount of effort you gave to me even though I knew it was something that was out of your comfort zone. I appreciated the manners and life skills that you had taught me to be better in believing in myself and being more self-caring. You truly made me into a even better person than I was already. But alas, I realised as well that during our lowest moments there were times where it felt like I was a pushover. The things that you said to me were painfully harsh and I was loving blindly and was always in denial of the flaws in the relationship. I wish we communicated more in person. I wish that you were able to just speak to me openly about what was wrong. I don't regret this relationship at all, I'm angry but more sad that I really lost my best friend. I understand that it's generic to be doing everything with your significant other but the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and years... spent with you was amazing and I would never want to throw that experience away. This has been a lesson to me to take home and to continue developing into a even better person. I'm still sorry for what I have done but I also hope that you can forgive me. If we had spoken about it in person and tried to solve it... we could had still been together. But I guess what is meant to be was meant to be. I love you, and I hope that you are well. Hopefully someday the both of us can find true happiness if not in each other then in somebody else or with ourselves.

It really hurts seeing you be friendly with other guys. I know, you're not my gf anymore but my heart still aches. No matter how hard I try to look away, I always end up finding you in my way. Amongst the crowd of people, you still continue to stick out. I was angry and frustrated at the things you did and what I saw. Were you intentionally making me jealous or something?! I know the scale is different to what I did and what I saw but to cling onto a complete stranger? Tell me that I wouldn't be hurt by that.

When I received that text from you that day. My heart froze. I was filled with so many emotions. Shocked, thrilled, anxious, terrified.. Your apologies didn't feel like apologies. Even when you apologised you still backed yourself up and told me other reasons why you hated me and why you happened to be like this. I get it. I know I have done wrong. You make me feel worse than I already am and I am honestly trying my best to even forgive myself. It may seem to you that I am trying to move on by talking to other girls but do you really have to tell or remind me that you don't want your position to be taken away from you? And seriously, adding in that it was a 'failed relationship'? I'm sorry that I poured my heart out for you and withstood all the hardship. Like for it to occur and be acknowledged now, yet still backing yourself up does not make me feel any better. Frankly it seems like this whole 'apology' you call, is for your own closure and benefit. You didn't even ask how I was. You didn't question how my family was. You didn't show any sign of care in the world for me. You only gave me the empathy after I told you how I had felt. If you did emphasised with me then why did it have to be prompted before it was given? I've been confused, hurt and frustrated with my emotions for you. I really did hurt you, but you hurt me just the same amount. Or even more. You told me you loved me, but why did it feel like I had to plead for that love..

After reading that text, I broke and was full of self hatred. That night, the promise was broken. I guess it's not your concern since you aren't with me, but thinking back - the comment you made about not wanting to be with me because I was mentally unstable was correct. What really hurts was that you loved and cared about me, but you still with no remorse was indefinite about breaking up with me. I think back on those moments in time where I had reached my limit and you had experienced me literally on my knees on the floor breaking - only then you came to forgive me.

You do know that I'm not really happy right? Even if you see that external image that I put in front of everyone, deep down I'm still sad. I'm still unable to decide between whether I should be a bigger person and accept that things are what they are and move on - or that I should ignore and avoid you because I really can't be in the same room as you. Don't get me wrong, I am more than capable enough to be in the same room but I'll probably be extremely anxious, confused mentally and sad afterwards. I'm sorry that I am like this, I don't even know if I should be apologizing but I guess for some people it's easy to just move on and forget everything. Not saying that it is easy but people make it seem easy and because of what I went through only makes sense that I should move on - but I can't. I can't move on because.. I miss it. I miss us. I really, really missed what we had. It was truly something special that we had. Something that made us unique to other couples. A story to tell every other person of how we met and how long we had known each other. Our story is basically a fairy tale and it was amazing to have. I just can't believe that that fairy tale is no longer a thing and it feels like we're just strangers now. I'm star struck by the journey that the both of us took from being close friends and having same interest and love for music, to becoming couples, and now total strangers who hate each other... I wish, you knew. How I truly feel. About my feelings during post-breakup. I wish you also knew how much I really tried. Not saying that you didn't but, I was head over heels for you. I know that I had my moments and I wish I had been better but it hurts to revisit those memories only to see that you were not too empathetic for me and always I would apologise for feeling the way I felt.

I JUST MISS YOU OKAY? I MISS THOSE DAYS WHERE YOU UPDATE ME ABOUT HOW YOUR DAY WAS. I MISS YOU TELLING ME HOW ANNOYING YOUR BROTHER WAS. I MISS UPDATES ABOUT YOU IN UNI. I MISS YOUR ACHIEVAMENTS UPDATES AND HOW MUCH YOU ARE UNDERSTANDING THE CONTENT. I MISS YOU TALKING ABOUT MONASH. I MISS HOW YOU ALWAYS TALK SMACK ABOUT MONASH BUT STILL LOVE IT. I MISS YOU SENDING ME CUTE SELFIES. I MISS YOU SENDING DERP SELFIES. I MISS YOUR SILLY FACES. I MISS HOW COMFORTABLE WE WERE. I MISS HOW YOU WOULD JUST FART. I MISS YOUR ACCENTS. I MISS YOU BEING CUTE. I MISS IT ALL. And, and it fucking sucks that I don't get to experience any of this anymore. I always kept telling myself that I was so fucking lucky to be with you. That I was really going to marry you one day. I thought about our future and I tried my best to change my flaws to be more of a suitable boyfriend. I swear I tried everything in my power and my mindset to make things better. I always thought we had enough trust in each other. But I guess not...

Wow. Um, I don't know what made me do it but I messaged you and yeah, complimented and you replied. I was a little surprised that you did. You didn't bother to continue the conversation. Fair enough. I really should stop trying so hard to hold on... I really wanted you to ask me how I was going.. so that I could tell you what I had been going through, but I made the mistake of making myself sound like I was okay with everything. Then again, I'm not really sure what you have been going through so I shouldn't be so sure and judge. It hurts though. Um, I guess I am slowly getting better. I mean writing it out now means that I'm not completely over it but yeah.. I'm still feeling strange about it. It's still uncomfortable to try to be happy or to feel like I should be treating myself.

0 notes