#one of the reasons why i wanted to figure out a label faster was bc i felt bad not being in either community decisively

[faaun]

hi! this is unrelated to the situationship but i’ve been going through a crisis about whether i’m bi or a lesbian for like six months now lmao and iirc i think you went through something similar once, so i was just wondering if you had any tips or advice about how you figured it out? tysm!

hiii i did ! i went thru this crisis like 3 times b4 i figured out i was bi, it can genuinely rly be difficult to figure it out it :)

i'd say keep in mind that it's not important to have a label rn - just keep urself open to exploring new feelings ! but also if u want to figure it out faster, spending more time w both men and women - esp those u think you might find more attractive - might help ! for me it was having guy friends, going to clubs, dating, etc, but it can truly be anything :) since starting a hinge profile i've been seeing quite a few men that i found super pretty which confirmed things even further for me (if you go down this route remember that dating app algorithms take a while to adjust)

also remember that ur standards for men may be different, and you may have an intense preference for women which wouldn't make you any less bi ! similarly, if you genuinely cannot imagine a future or conceive of any romantic/sexual attraction between u and a man, then you may be a lesbian ! the point is that u can date ppl and find out !! ♡ also labels can change as u learn abt urself over time so it's all good if you can't land on one definitive label rn forever, it takes time and life reveals new things to us all the time 🩷

while i like knowing that men are like...within my dating pool now, since realising i'm bi basically nothing has changed for me bc i still find women so so much more attractive, so it's good to remember there truly is no rush ! take ur time experiment have fun x

[watchmegetobsessed]

Our song - Harry Styles

this one was inspired by the jingleball performance bc it was pure perfection and UGHH im obsessed.

dedicated to my dear friend @dontworrysunflower

disclaimer: the song Homesick by Dua Lipa is featured in this fic as an original work of Harry and the reader, but it’s obviously an existing song, I just thought that it would be the song they write

pairing: Harry x vocalist!reader

word count: 5.3k

masterlist

You’ve felt the adrenaline rush take over your body many times in your life and they were all different in some kind of way. The one you felt when you were about to write an important test in school, the one that bubbled through your veins when you got your first kiss. The one that rolled through your limbs and chest when you first performed in front of people that weren’t your parents and the one you felt when you got the news that you were chosen to tour with none other than Harry Styles as his vocalist, singing on his stage every other night in a different city and different country.

But none of those were anything like the feeling that takes over every time you stand on that stage, your microphone that’s labelled with your name right in front of you as thousands of people are screaming in the jam-packed arena. Though it’s not you they come to see and listen to, but you are part of the magic and it’s quite enough for you.

You could never be the one standing at the front with all the lights shining down on your frame, having every gaze in the place glued to you, listening to your voice. That brings the kind of anxiety you’re quite sure you wouldn’t be able to handle. You are perfectly fine standing in the back, being the support system while staying on the down-low as someone else shines at the front, in your case, it’s Harry.

You applied for the job with a reason, already having a huge appreciation for him as an artist, adoring his work so far, especially Fine Line. Upon hearing about the opportunity to be part of his tour, you didn’t hesitate to send your application in and following three auditions, you got the phone call that they wanted you on board.

He swept you right off your feet the first time you met him, but you didn’t expect less from him. Everything you heard about him being the most wonderful person to every walk the planet were proven to be nothing but the truth. You hit it off so easily and become close through the process of rehearsals. His odd little jokes, that funny laugh of his and the way he always peeks over his shoulder to meet his eyes with yours made you fall for him faster than you’d have ever thought you could.

Just as fast as your feeling for Harry developed, tour caught up on you and before you could blink twice, you were living on the road, always dressing from your suitcase, waking up in a different city every other morning.

The foreign studio feels a little odd, but still somehow familiar as you walk in with your water and notebook under your arm. Random studio sessions with Harry became a regular not long after tour kicked off. Harry’s creative juices were overflowing and he was aching to record his creations, constantly renting random studios near the hotel you lot were staying currently and one night, when some of you all were hanging out in his suit, he asked if you’d be down helping him record vocals for a song he’s been working on.

“I want to hear it with your voice instead of mine,” he told you leaning against the wall, a glass of whatever Mitch mixed him in his hands.

“Getting bored of your own voice?” you teased him, bringing his dimples out with the smile that plastered across his lips.

“Could say that. Are you up for it?”

There was no way you would have said no. So the next morning you found yourself in a studio somewhere in Sacramento, singing the vocals to a song no one else has heard other than you and Harry.

The tour has now reached Denver, you can’t wait to be on the stage tonight, but before that, you are having another quick session with Harry in the studio.

When you walk in, his head perks up from his leather notebook he always keeps on himself, filled with his scribbled lyrics. A smile stretches across his lips when his green eyes fall on your frame.

“Hey! Hope it’s not too early for you,” he softly says standing up from the chair as you put your stuff down to the small table in the corner.

“No, managed to get a good night sleep still,” you smile at him, taking a quick look around, though this recording room is just like the others you’ve been in.

“I think I figured out that part we struggled with last time. Changed up the ending a bit, would you mind giving it another go?”

You nod looking down at his notes, seeing the changes he has made in the vocals.

“Changed anything else?” you ask as you watch him get ready for the recording.

“Yeah, rewrote a few lines, think they are fitting better now.”

“Have you recorded them yet?”

“Will do now,” he tells you shaking his head.

Soon enough you find yourself standing behind the mic, headset covering your ears as you are waiting for Harry to start recording and the music to play in your ears. Once he shows up his thumb you do the same and a moment later the song you’ve heard last time you two were working starts flowing from the headset and you stare down at the notes in front of you, waiting for the moment when you have to start singing.

It takes you a few runs to nail it down, but when you finally do, you can see the satisfied grin on Harry’s face and you think to yourself that there’s nothing you wouldn’t do to make him like this anytime.

“That was fantastic,” he beams once you join him at the screens where you see your voice appear as a pattern over a straight line. Harry does his usual magic before leaving it be. “Mind assisting recording my part?” he asks turning to you with an excited smile.

Nodding you let him tell you what to do and once he is all set behind the mic, you start the recording and the song. You listen to him in awe. There hasn’t been a moment when you didn’t feel the shiver running down your spine when he started singing. You are convinced a choir of angels is hidden in his throat, because it’s hard to believe he is just as human as everyone else.

He sings the whole song three times before he joins you again, listening back to what you have so far. The song is coming along pretty well and you can tell by the time he finishes it, it’s gonna be perfect. Everything he does is just pure perfection, whether he likes to admit it or not.

“You know how it would be absolutely perfect?” he asks you on your way back to the hotel. The two of you grabbed a coffee as well, so now you’re sipping on the hot drink, enjoying the somewhat sunny weather.

“Hm?”

“I think it would be best if a female voice sang the whole thing and the male was just the vocal.”

“Who do you think would fit best for it then?” you ask, immediately thinking of singers that could be perfect for the song. It wouldn’t be the first time Harry would sell a song to someone else, so you’re not surprised he is thinking about this kind of change.

“Y/N, I found the voice already,” he chuckles and you give him a puzzled look. “You. You are singing the song, I don’t need anyone else.”

“I’m not a solo singer,” you protest.

“There’s no such thing as solo or not solo. You’re a singer and a bloody good one. I want you to sing it.”

“But it would go to waste, because I would never actually perform it.”

“How are you so sure about that?” he smirks slyly at you, immediately making you nervous.

“Harry, I don’t sing solo,” you shake your head stubbornly, but he rolls his eyes at you.

“You could just try it. Let’s just record the song next time with you in the lead and then we can talk about the rest.”

“I’m fine recording, but I will never perform it,” you tell him, but his look makes you think he has other plans.

When tour reaches Dallas, the song gets a version with you singing solo and Harry doing the vocals in it. And though you had doubts about the switch, listening back to it you can tell how much it helped. It really is better with a female voice, though you are still convinced it shouldn’t be you.

“Are you sure you don’t want to sell it to someone? I’m fine with that,” you ask him before the show in Dallas. You’re sitting on the table in his dressing room while he is painting his nails, his tongue poking out in concentration.

“I told you, I like it with your voice. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because I’m not a—“

“Fuck’s sake if you dare to tell me one more time that you’re not a solo singer, I’m firing you, Y/N!” he snaps, giving you a hard look, but you just laugh at his temper.

“It’s the truth.”

“Have you ever tried to go solo?”

“Not for years,” you admit and watch him screw the nail polish closed, pushing it aside, his hands lying flat on the table as he is carefully waiting for them to dry.

“So then how do you know you are no good at it?”

“Because I hated it back then, so I most likely would hate it now as well,” you state matter-of-factly, but Harry doesn’t seem amused by your answer.

“So you think you haven’t changed a bit in years? I hope you know that’s absolute bollocks.”

“Why are you so keen on making me sing solo?” you sigh, giving him a tired look. It feels like the two of you have been running the same circles since forever. It’s not his first attempt to get you sing more than just the vocals, he once wanted to do a cover and needed a partner because it was a duet and begged you for weeks to sing with him, but you didn’t give in. You just couldn’t.

“Because I think that you are a talented singer and I want you to feel the adrenaline rush performing gives you.”

“I do get that rush every time I sing behind you. That’s enough for me.”

Harry shakes his head pressing his lips tight together.

“That’s not the same as being in the lead. It’s a whole different world.”

“Yeah, one that makes me shit my pants,” you chuckle and he can’t push a smile back.

“Maybe we should just work on it. Your anxiety. I think we could actually make you feel better if we tried.”

“I still don’t know where this obsession with me being solo comes for you.”

Harry stands up, takes one last look at his nails before he steps closer smiling down at you softly and you bite into your bottom lip, realizing how close he is standing to you. His fingers tap in your cheek gently, running them down to your chin as he tilts your head up a bit.

“Just accept it, Love,” he smiles softly before stepping away and carrying on with his routine.

That evening, you stand at the back with the other two vocalists, eyes glued to Harry’s figure at the front of the stage, you watch him pour his soul out to the audience, interact with them and reach that state of mind you have never been able to get into. You know what he told you about performing is true, yet you are still terrified to do it yourself. It’s too nerve wrecking to have everyone look at and listen to you, so many chances to mess it up and make a fool out of yourself.

But when Harry’s eyes meet yours and he shoots you a warm smile, something shifts in you. The urge to have this connection with not just the audience and the song, but with him takes over your whole body and you make up your mind to at least give it a try.

Harry is ecstatic when you tell him later that night that you changed your mind. You see that sparkle in his eyes and it was already worth for you, just seeing him react like that.

“Though I have a few suggestions to change the lyrics.”

“You do?” he asks, seemingly surprised, but mostly amused that you had the balls to come out with it.

“Yeah. Just some tiny details.”

“Why haven’t you told me about these before?”

“Because it was your song. But if you want me to sing it, it has to be mine as well.” Harry stares back at you with a smile that’s filled with pride and joy, making your heart flutter in your aching chest as you think about performing solo.

“Our song,” he softly says nodding his head.

Arriving to Houston the two of you are quick to book a studio and work on the song. Harry lets you make any changes you desire on the lyrics, even says you did justice to it and that you should have spoken up earlier about your ideas. And then you record it.

It’s not that you have to sing the whole song and not just the vocals this time. You are completely fine with Harry hearing you sing, it’s the thought of performing it in front of anyone that’s not him, that’s what makes you turn into a wreck.

You record Harry’s vocals and once it’s all put together, you are blown by the outcome. You wouldn’t have thought Harry’s voice as the vocal would compliment you in the lead, but it’s just absolutely perfect and even you can’t find anything wrong with it.

“Love, this is what Heaven sounds like, I’m telling you,” he smirks at you from the chair beside you, playing the song for the tenth time, not able to get enough of the final product.

“You are so cheesy,” you shake your head, but feel the blush heating up your cheeks. His eyes linger on you a little longer before he turns back to the screen.

When the song is over he finally stops is so silence comes over the studio. Harry turns back to face you, his green eyes basically burning a hole into your head.

“So, when are we going to perform it?”

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea,” you sigh looking down at your hands fumbling with your shirt.

“And I do think it is. So I’m not stopping until you at least try it.”

Harry Styles gets what he wants. Always. And this time, no matter how hard you try to resist him, you just can’t deny this from him. Though it takes him time to talk you up, in Washington he finally gets you to give it a try in an empty stadium.

Most of the crew is out, since the building has been finished about half an hour before, so everything is perfectly set for tonight’s show when you walk out to the stage, following Harry in his heels. He asked the piano to be brought to the front along with a mic on it and another one on a stand next to it. The two of you quietly put on your earpieces, doing everything as if it was a usual occasion before a concert, only that this time the roles will be entirely switched.

“It’s fine, alright? No one is around,” he tells you when he sees how nervous you are to sing the song for the first time outside a studio.

“There are some backstage,” you mumble under your breath, not expecting him to do anything about it.

But he does. You watch him walk backstage, completely dumbfounded about what he is doing. He disappears from your sight and a few moments later you hear him shouting at the back.

“No one comes to the stage until I say so! Yea? Thanks!” he orders and then walks back as if he didn’t just boss around the whole crew.

“They will think you’re some kind of crazy celebrity,” you chuckle when he returns, a small smirk playing on his pink lips.

“Don’t care, Darling. Now sing you heart out for me.”

Harry sits on the piano bench, his fingers getting settled on the keys before he looks up to meet your anxious eyes.

“It’s alright. Just you and me, yea?”

Nodding you gulp hard and jump a little when he starts playing the melody the two of you have been working on for so long. You hear all the notes and you know you have to start singing, but you miss the opening. Harry stops and looks at you, as you move your eyes down to the ground, ashamed you messed up immediately.

“S-Sorry, I just—“

“How can I help?” he asks right away, not even caring about the fact that you messed up, focused on figuring out a way that would help you.

“I don’t know. I really don’t,” you sigh, feeling your nerves getting worse with each passing moment.

“Come sit next to me,” he then tells you motioning for you to join him on the bench.

“What?”

“Take your mic and sit next to me,” he repeats, scooting over to make you space. Hesitantly, you pull the mic out of the stand and walking over you sit next to him. “Now you are not in the center. Just listen to the music, watch my hands on the keys, okay?”

You nod, running your tongue over your dry lips as you hold the mic to your mouth before Harry starts playing again.

After the first few notes you close your eyes and when it’s time for you to start singing, Harry leans a little against you, giving you a kind of push to just do it. And it works.

It feels a little as if it’s not even you who starts singing, but it is. Your voice fills the empty arena along with the piano’s melody and keeping your eyes closed a little longer you let your mind settle. When the first verse ends you open them and watch his hands work on the keys, right as he starts singing the vocals, leaning a little forward so his voice reaches his mic.

It’s different. It’s electric and freeing, hear your voice through the massive speakers, to be in the lead and have Harry be just the support in the song. But it feels so right, better than anything you’ve ever felt.

Line after line, you hit all the notes and by the end of the song you are able to strip all your fears down and give yourself over to the music completely. As you sing the last few notes you feel Harry’s eyes on you and turning to face him, you are met with his warm, pride-filled smile and bright eyes, glued to you while his fingers press down the last notes.

The music dies down, the voice of the piano vibrates in the air a little longer until it completely disappears and the silence returns into the stadium.

“Love,” Harry quietly calls out for you and you turn completely towards him. “That was absolutely perfect.”

“You think so?” you ask, voice barely more than just a whisper, your eyes never leaving his gaze.

“I know so,” he huffs, smile widening. He brings an arm around your shoulders and pulls you into a hug, pressing a lingering kiss to your forehead as you let out a breath you’ve been holding in for way too long.

He doesn’t try to make you perform that evening, knowing well it was enough for one day, but he does make you sing it with him in each city in the upcoming weeks. Before every concert, he empties out the area around the stage and the two of you sit down at the piano, singing your song until you feel comfortable enough to stand next to the instrument instead of sitting next to him.

The tour reaches New York and Madison Square Garden is getting ready to host Harry Styles for two evenings. The place is massive and you find yourself sitting at the edge of the stage when Harry emerges from backstage.

“Looks wild, right?” he asks sitting next to you, his thigh brushing against yours as he gets seated.

“Yeah. Pretty amazing.”

“This place has the most magical vibe.” “Yeah?” Turning to him you watch him take the arena in, his eyes glistening at the sight in front of him. You know it’s not his first time performing here, but it’s nice to see the excitement in his eyes regardless.

That feeling returns to your chest, the one you felt when Harry told you he wanted you to sing the song. The urge to be part of this amazing something that’s so much bigger than you.

“H?”

“Yea?” he turns to you smiling.

“Can I… Do you think we could sing our song tonight?”

You watch the pure surprise and excitement wash over his face, his smile stretching across his face as he stares back at you in awe.

“You want to sing it?”

Shyly, you nod your head and in a heartbeat his arms lock around you, pulling you into the tightest hug. The two of you almost fall off the stage, laughing together at his dramatic reaction.

“Of course we can sing it, Love. Would be an honor!”

Harry is quick to let the band know about the addition for tonight’s set and though everyone seems surprised, they are all supportive about your solo. As the time goes and the concert gets closer, you can feel the nerves building up and soon enough, you start to doubt your choice to sing the song tonight.

Right before it’s time to go on stage Harry takes your hand and pulls you aside, taking your face in his hands gently, making you look into his eyes.

“I know you are doubting yourself, but just know that I’m very proud of you, even if you decide to not sing the last minute.”

“I could do that?” you whisper, your hands finding his sides and you let them rest on him, a way to ground yourself in the windwhirl of your thoughts.

“Of course. I wouldn’t want to make you do something you don’t really want. Though I know you will be amazing if you choose to sing.”

Nodding you let a weak smile appear on your lips and you notice as his eyes flicker down to them before he moves his gaze up to your eyes. He then pulls you into a proper hug before walking back to the rest of the band and vocalists.

Everything goes as usual and once again, you can’t take your eyes off Harry on the stage. Just watching him perform fills you up with life, enough to keep you from running away. About halfway into the set, as the crowd is still cheering after the previous song, Harry jogs over to you.

“You ready?” he asks over the noise and before you could think about it, you nod your head.

Two guys from the crew pushes the piano further to the front and they help to set everything up as you awkwardly stand at the side. Once your mic is in the stand you walk over there, heart hammering in your chest, hands shaking like crazy.

“I have a special song for you tonight,” Harry announces into the microphone as he makes his way over to the piano. “Please welcome the lovely Y/N here, who is gonna enchant you with a song we’ve been working on lately.”

The crowd screams and you allow yourself to look around with a weak smile. So many people, you think to yourself, everyone watching you.

“It’s called Homesick, and it means so much to us, so we hope you’ll like it Justas much as we do,” Harry adds before settling on the bench and his eyes find yours. “I’m proud of you,” you see him say, only able to read his lips since the crowd is screaming so loud. “Ready?” he asks and you nod, taking a shaky breath.

He sends you a warm comforting smile before glancing down at the keys and then he starts playing. 

Just like the first time, you close your eyes, forcing yourself to focus on the melody and nothing else. The lump in your throat is quite uncomfortable, but you open your eyes and see that Harry is looking straight at you, nodding in encouragement, as his fingers push down the keys to the notes right before you have to start.

“Here, where the sky’s falling, I’m covered in blue, I’m running and I’m crawling, fighting for you…”

Harry smiles wide when your voice flows through the speakers, filling the whole place, making everyone go quiet in a heartbeat as the song carries on. You feel your chest slowly deflating, the nerves cooling down with each sung note.

“You give me a reason, something to believe in, I know, I know, I know. You give me a meaning, something I can breathe in, I know, I know, I know…”

The chorus comes out perfect, your voice melting together with the piano and you finally feel your muscles relax as you slowly let go of every toxic thought that’s been tainting your mind. Harry leans closer to his microphone and his voice gently joins yours in the next verse.

“There’s a crack in my window, a bird in my room, angels all over that watch over you…”

Chills run down your spine hearing his voice, your eyes never leaving his gaze that’s fixated on your standing figure. You get lost in him and the song, something that came from the both of you, a piece of you and him. Standing there, singing this piece makes you feel closer to him than ever and you desperately want this feeling to last forever, hoping the song never ends though you know it’s gonna happen.

“When I’m walking on water all my dreams have come true. Still nothing means nothing without you…”

Homesick is exactly the feeling that bubbles inside you when you think of Harry. Because there’s this man you love so much, who is a home away from home to you, yet you still feel like you can’t be home entirely. Not in the way you’d want to. But standing on the stage in the spotlight, singing together with him as thousands of people are watching the two of you, yet you still manage to forget about them, for a moment, you feel like you finally arrived home. You are there, with him.

“Tell my heart to lie, but I know deep inside it’s true. That I wish I was there with you. That I wish I was there with you, oh I wish I was there with you.”

He plays the end of the song without tearing his eyes away from you, and there’s just a heartbeat of silence before the crowd starts screaming deafeningly, but that short moment… is yours and his.

Tugging your hair behind your ears with your shaky hands, your eardrums on the verge of breaking as you let out a laugh that was kind of a sob as well, relief washing over your body. Harry is quick to jump to his feet and rushing over he envelopes you in a tight hug.

“I’m so so so proud of you, Love. You were everything!” he mumbles, arms holding you so tight you almost lose your breath, but you want him this close, or even closer. You need to feel him, because it doesn’t feel real. His hold brings you a sense of existence only he can give you.

“Thank you, Harry,” you breathe out when he pulls back to look into your eyes, the screaming hasn’t died down even a tad little.

“No, thank you, Darling. You shined like the star that you are,” he grins, playing a sloppy kiss to your cheek before his arms fall off you.

You’d die to stay in this moment a little longer, but the show must go on. The crew pushes the piano back and soon enough, the next song starts. You stay in your spot for the rest, but you keep catching Harry smiling in your way, always making you blush.

The end of a concert is always a little hectic, everyone is all over the place. Still coming off the high you just experienced, you head to the dressing room you share with the other vocalists. They are going on and on about how amazing Homesick was, and you somehow still can’t believe tonight happened. Packing your stuff you barely notice that the door flies open, but you see Harry appear from the corner of your eye.

“Ladies, would you please give me a moment with Y/N?” he asks and the girls are quick to leave the two of you alone. You stand there, kind of dumbfounded, not sure why he is acting so dramatic. Once the door closes and it’s just you and him, he stares at you, chest heaving, his hair wet from his sweat, but he still looks breathtaking.

“Harry—“

“I’m gonna kiss you now,” he cuts you off, your breath gets caught in your throat as you stare back at him, completely frozen. Opposite to what he just said, he remains standing in the same spot and you’re not sure what’s happening. “Can I? Please say yes, I can’t hold myself back for any longer,” he then adds.

“Yes,” you breathe out without even thinking about it. In a heartbeat, Harry crosses the room, chest smashing against yours as he wraps his arms around you, lips crashing onto yours in a kiss that almost makes you moan into his mouth.

It’s all a hot mess, teeth clashing, hands all over each other before his palms run down to the back of your thighs, urging you to jump. When you do, you wrap your legs around his waist and let him walk over to the table nearby, so he can place you on top, standing between your thighs as he keeps kissing you hungrily, his tongue melting together with yours in this sweet chaos. It keeps going on and on, neither of you wanting to let go of the other, but you are eventually forced to stop, coming short of air. Panting wildly, lips swollen from his kisses, you look at him to meet his gaze.

“You have no idea how hard it was to stop myself from kissing you on stage.”

“What?” you breathe out.

“Y/N, I’m fucking crazy about you and seeing you come over your stage fright, sing that song… our song, fuck, that did some unbelievable things to me. Please tell me you felt the same thing!” He is begging, not just with his words, but with his eyes as well and it crushes your soul entirely.

“I did. Harry, I always do when I’m with you.”

“Fucking Hell,” he breathes out before kissing you again. “You are… everything, Love,” he mumbles against your lips and you can’t push down the smile stretching across your face, hearing him say the same words he said right after the song.

“You’ve told me that,” you tease him, his gaze meeting yours as he flashes you his famous half-smirk, heart fluttering at the sight of him.

[heyitsyn]

There Once Was A Man With No Arms-

Goshiki x Manager!Tendou!FirstYear!Sister!Reader

a/n: that was a mouthful

anon request: ahhh i loved your headcanons of iwaizumi dating oikawa's sister!!! this time, can i request goshiki x tendou's first year sis na manager din ng team nila? salamatttt hehe ingat ka lagiii💞

this cute little bowl cut babie

so you are the little baby sister of our favorite red hair cutie and he was the one who offered you the manager position

ofc you accepted bc hello, you get to hang out w your brother and tease semi-semi-senpai everyday

pls let semi live

everyone likes you though bc you are their manager and you do a lot of things for them even though you dont need to

like sometimes, you stop by the store and pick up all kinds of snacks and if its really hot, popsicles and ice cream

ushijima farmer-san is known to be quite stoic and serious but he’s pretty chill around you and even ruffles your hair whenever you make a stupid joke

as a tendou, you are basically like a ctrl+v  with your brother 

the same cute teasing and bubbly personality but the quick change to serious and demeaning

the team gets stressed, especially mom, bc he has to take care of not one red-head freak but two

but he liked you more though bc you were a first year and you were this short little pumpkin and you were so nice and just all around A D O R A B L E

but you just didnt rub goshiki the right way

maybe bc he thought you were just doing this as an act and no person could really be this bubbly and cheerful

or hes just jealous his senpais attention is directed to you

he will DIE FOR HIS SENPAIS

whenever he gets a good spike, you cheer him on and say things like, ‘nice spike, tsu-chan!’ and he swears youre just doing this bc you want to kill him with a heart attack and he doesnt like feeling like this but you like torturing him

boi what is with this logic

even though he lives for praises, your praises and compliments just hits different than his senpais

before he even realized it, he started all out glaring at you and tendou, being the overprotective brother he was, pointed him out on it

‘oi, little kouhai, you got a problem with our y/n?’

at the mention of your name you turned around from talking to the coach and everyone turned to goshiki, expecting him to answer

unfortunately you didnt hear what your brother said so you were just confused

‘hm? i read the room and i am not comfortable with the energy in the gym today’

someone snorted while goshiki turned red at the attention being on him with the topic of you so he just walks away back to the court

‘oh? what was that all about?’ 

semi shushes tendou and gives you a smile

‘y/n, can you help tossing the ball for us?’

you nodded and quickly ran to the chair and waddled over to put it by the net before standing on it

everyone turned red, including goshiki and even shirabu, and busted their uwus

‘okay! let’s go!’

youve always noticed tsutomu and his determination to beat ushijima which youve appreciated bc he was so hard-working and he was talented enough

‘good one, tsu-chan!’

‘t-thanks, y/n-san’

even when no one noticed it, you were always there to give him compliments and he always grows flustered and hes just a big idiot babie and doesnt realize that your praises makes his heart beat faster bc he thinks youre freaking pretty and someone pretty complimenting him in his spikes boosts his ego

but eventually, it grew on him

instead of looking around for any senpai to praise him, he now turned to you and you would give him that adorable smile and he would bite his lip to stop himself from running over and hugging the life out of you

then he remembers who your brother is, well more like how protective the boys were

‘waka-senpai, nii-chan got sick so he wants you to stop by his dorm later today!’

‘okay’

since you were their teammate’s sister, theyve known you for a while and watched you grow from being this little middle school girl to a first year high schooler 

you were practically their sister

goshiki went to a different middle school so he never really realized how the guys treated you so differently but he knew it would be difficult to win them over for your hand

oops wait what

this thought struck him just as he was drinking water and he ended up choking on water causing you to run over from talking to semi so you could pat his back

‘omg, tsu-chan, you need to be careful!’

this was only the beginning of weeks of being weird

like he was so distracted and different that shirabu actually yelled at him and refused to give him any tosses

‘you talk big about being the ace but the slightest distraction could cost you a match. are you really being serious about being the ace or is it all just talk?’

he got all sad and mopey and he had to sit on the bench 

goshiki never got benched

he was too good to be benched!

but he was and he did not like it

you went over to him and sat next to him

‘tsu-chan, can you follow me?’

he looked up from the floor and he shrugged before following you out of the door

the others watched their first years exit the gym and they contemplated following

but tendou, surprise!, actually stopped them

‘my sister can sort him out herself. trust me’

goshiki didnt exactly know where you were taking him to until you stopped by by the baseball field where there was mud

‘y/n-san, why-’

‘you always say my name formally, why is that? im a first year too, tsu-chan’

he looked down

‘um, i-i don’t know-’

‘y/n-chan, tsu-chan. try it out’

‘y-y/n-chan’

you squealed at how cute he looked w red ears and a red face but you refrained from hugging him

then you remembered why you brought him out

‘oh right! come here, tsu-chan!’

you took a branch from a nearby tree and encouraged him to crouch down with you as you began to draw on the mud

‘there was once a man with no arms-’

you started happily singing and this was when goshiki really realized the resemblance between you and your brother

you both were happy and cheerful bc you wanted to radiate the energy to the others to be happy too

and it worked

tendou’s funny songs and jokes always made the others laugh and you did too

goshiki was happy that he was able to absorb that energy and he soon completely forgot about shirabu’s comments

once you were done, you have drawn a dog on the mud and the boy was so amazed at the sudden creation

he looked up at you with wide eyes and you laughed with a wide grin at his expression

‘hehe, its cool, right? nii-chan showed me something like that before when i got sad and it made me happy again. i thought it would work on you too’

he might have questionable feelings around you bc when you mentioned being sad, he felt weird

like he was relieved he wasnt there to see you sad bc he couldnt take it seeing your usual grin into a frown and your bright shining eyes filled with tears

‘y/n-chan, when you get sad, call me, okay? so i can go to you and make you smile like you did with me’

your eyes widened in surprise but you nodded, your grin even wider

‘im counting on you, tsu-chan!’

and he did

when he received a call late at night from you, he easily snuck out from his dorm and ran to the baseball field where he saw your crouching figure aimlessly dragging the stick in circles

‘y/n-chan!’

he huffed and panted after running so fast and you looked up before running to hug him

‘im here now. youre okay’

you didnt release out your problems on him bc you didnt want to burden him

but he understood and just hugged you until you felt better enough to return to your crouching

goshiki hurriedly grabbed the stick and began to do the same thing you did for him before

‘then he jumped onto the lake and got stung by bees?’

he stopped and frowned, realizing he wasnt right

but the frown lifted when he heard your giggle

‘tsu-chan, he got stung by bees first and then he jumped on the lake!’

the corners of his mouth lifted and he chuckled

‘heh, i guess he did. but this is my version so listen closely, okay y/n-chan?’

this might be the reason you got close w the first year

the others noticed it too since you seem to pamper him and take more time taking care of him than them

like you even started wiping his sweat for him while he just giggles when you pull on the long strands of his hair

‘tsu-chan, i want to cut it!’

‘no, y/n-chan!’

‘but-!’

he grabbed your hands and your arms around his torso so he could do the same to you and gently tugged on the ends of your long hair

‘you too then, y/n-chan. your hair is long too’

you pouted then gently punched his chest

‘mean, tsu-chan’

‘heh?! mean?! how?!’

tendou is like the best big brother ever and hes just like ‘yuhhhh get it tsutomu!!!!’

eventually, goshiki began playing even better

his complete spike percentage has increased and his jumping has gotten higher

but the team predicts that this was all because he’s trying to show off to you and your praising and compliments have motivated him to play better

forget being ace, he just wants you to praise him

‘y/n-chan! y/n-chan! did you see that?’

‘wahh!!!! so cool, tsu-chan!!”

bus trips to matches are so cute but yall lowkey annoy the players a bit

yall sit next to each other and are just leaning together as you giggle over stupid cat videos

like we get, goshiki is getting some quicker than us

i feel like before moving on to relationships, goshiki and you would be best friends first and then move on to the dating stuff

tbh, theres no difference bc yall have always been like that but theres just an offical label now

‘hey, tsu-chan, wanna date?’

‘u-um,, sure?’

yall would hang out in either his dorm or yours and yall would be alone bc the team actually trusts you but you dont know that they pass by the door ever 5 minutes and listen in to just to make sure yall are not doing anything bad

smh they so nosy but we luv them

you know of his insecurities about not being enough and his fears of not being the ace and his dreams of playing to the big leagues and his passion to continue playing on the court for as long as he can and how excited he is to be able to spend all those years with you

he knows of your insecurities about the way you look and being associated with your apparent freak of a brother but you didnt care about that and even fought someone when they said something and your deep protectiveness for the boys, especially your brother but it’s all because the boys were the ones to accept you with open arms and treat you like family

yall shared a lot of secrets amongst yourselves and tbh, your communication is just *chefs kiss*

so serious fights dont happen, like ever, just stupid little arguments that are usually resolved like an hour later

since youre also a manager, its also your job to make sure the boys are maintaining their good grades and you know that shira-senpai has given up on tutoring tsutomu

i mean,,, goshiki is smart but he gets distracted easily and ends up spacing out during lessons

yknow?

thats when the little arguments bc youd be trying to teach him the damn phythagorean theorem and hed be distracted at how come your hair was styled like that today

‘goshiki tsutomu, i will leave your ass to fail right now if you dont stop touching my hair’

‘but babyyyyyy’

‘no, ‘dont baby’ me, you idiot! you’ll be crying like a baby when you fail and you’re bench during the next game!’

oof also!

hes a protective little babie and he gets jealous easily so whenever yall have games, he literally hangs all over you 

like he makes a show of putting his jacket over you and kissing your forehead so that the other teams know to stop looking over at your direction and whispering about you

ofc this gets on your nerves but you cant help but think how cute he looks when he gets jealous

he gets all pouty and touchy and youre just like, take my uwus you big babie

even tendou is like, ‘im her brother yet hes more protective than me’

he demands to be hugged 24/7 but thats not appropriate if youre in public so he ltr drags you outside and away from people just so he could hug you

he likes hugging you bc youre shorter than him and it makes him feel all special and soft since you like to burrow your face into his chest and your sweater paws are just like ugggggghhhhhhhhh

whenever he gets nervous, you kiss his fingers and his knuckles bc it soothes him and youre just his good luck charm and he feels like he can take over the world w a single kiss from you

‘baby, didja see that?! i was so cool, right?!’

‘so proud of you, tsu-chan! youre so cool!’

‘i love y/n like a sister but if she inflates his ego more, i will have to tape her mouth’

can you guess who said that?

overall a relationship i strive for and i really want a goshiki now thanks byeeeeeee

a/n: ngl goshiki’s hair lowkey triggered me when i first saw him bc why the heck does it look like that?! but now i actually like it on him and i cant imagine any other hairstyle fitting him

[staytiny-present]

Ateez Presents: Alice in Wonderland

Rating: T

warnings: some blood and violence (nondescript), swear words, gets kinda angsty, mentions of anxiety

disclaimer: hi so first of all i just want to apologize about the wait,, i’ve been super crazy busy with school lately (and will continue to be but i’m trying not to think about that) so i’ve struggled to find time for both writing and my assignments BUT i’m nothing if not irresponsible so i’ve gladly taken more time to write this than write any of my other essays. also i am... so sorry this is??? so long i got so carried away,,, i hope y’all like long reads bc you are in for it with this one, but anyway! rules for disney au requests can be found here! enjoy and let me know what you think!! xo

Starring~

Kim Hongjoong as the White Rabbit

he was the reason you fell in the first place

you found it incredibly odd that such a cute boy in a waistcoat and glasses would have rabbit ears, and even stranger that he could fit inside a rabbit hole

you would have asked him about it, but he ran away before you could

and you tried to catch up to him to ask but he was just too fast

the rabbit hole he went down was too long and dark for you to see through, which is why you leaned down so far to see where he had gone

that’s when you fell

hongjoong knew it was his fault too,, he should never have gone to the surface or caught your attention

he really didn’t mean to

but he had to

hongjoong was an expert at going down rabbit holes, but for most everyone else there was a lot of falling

he already felt guilty, but hearing your screams and cries the long way down made his heart wrench

leaving yeosang alone at the door - who was yawning and questioning if hongjoong was right - he waited below as you fell

wincing each time you bumped into a cupboard or a bookshelf, bounced off of a bed, or were hit by a flying book

you knew bruises would bloom all over when you landed

if you landed it seemed

you felt sick as you fell and sicker as you dreaded what kind of landing you would face

your nonexistent breath left you once again when you finally did land

right on top of hongjoong - the boy you followed who was waiting to catch you

the force of your landing knocked hongjoong’s glasses off of his face as you both fell to the marble floor beneath you

you groaned and scrambled to get off of the boy, apologies leaving your mouth faster than you could comprehend

the entire time hongjoong looking at you in shock and awe

why,,, why in wonderland were you apologizing to him?

he made you fall

he’s the reason for your bruises

he was the reason you were stuck now

he did this

he was roused out of his thoughts when he heard yeosang quietly calling his name, and he turned around to see he was waving in your direction

realizing the sudden urgency he grabbed your hand and pulled you up off the floor

“don’t apologize alice i’ll be fine, but we need to go”

alice? “i’m not-“

you would have told him he didn’t have the right person because no you weren’t alice and you didn’t know one

but you noticed his glasses were missing

not missing but on the floor, a crack almost straight through one of the circle lenses

you bent down to pick them up and inspect

“i’m so sorry about your glasses sir”

you didn’t know if you should be calling him sir, but it sounded better than ‘rabbit boy’

hongjoong, who hadn’t noticed his glasses came off, touched his face

he was about to speak again when you?? lifted them back to his face??? and placed them gently on the bridge of his nose????

blood rushed to his face and lit it on fire, a stark contrast to his white hair and white ears

however you thought you had done something wrong and began apologizing again

he wanted to reassure you but yeosang’s quiet voice brought him back to the reality of things again

it startled you how abruptly hongjoong’s ears stood at attention, most of the color draining out of his face

“alice”

hongjoong took hold of your hand, and he would have turned red again had it not been for the urgency of the situation

“we have to leave this place”

your brain felt like mush as all of your thoughts swam past each other

i don’t even know what this place is, you thought, i’ve never seen such a strange place except in stories

and why does he keep calling me alice?

“what do you mean and why do you-”

a loud ringing cut you off before you could ask the curious boy anything, and hongjoong pulled a pocket watch out of his red coat

his eyes widened and his ears stood up straighter if that was possible

“oh dear, i’m late!”

he took your hand once again and led you to a door that couldn’t have been higher than your knee

hongjoong shoved a vial in your hand and on the label you saw that it read ‘drink me’

“it’s dangerous out there for you, alice, so please go with yeosang”

and you were confused because you couldn’t see anyone else around

it wasn’t until you looked down that you saw there was in fact another person with you, and he stood tall enough to fit through the small door next to you

if anything this only confused you more but hongjoong kept talking telling you to follow yeosang and to do what he tells you if you want to stay safe

but then he took hold of you by your shoulders and leaned in and said something so cryptically gentle

“all will be revealed soon. i promise”

your stomach erupted into butterflies at the strange boy in front of you

and honestly your mind was running a mile a minute trying to figure what was going on

and you can’t ask him because before you can even blink he’s hesitantly letting go of you and goddamnit he’s running again

there’s a normal-sized door on the other side of the room that he pulls out a key for, and the lock clicks once he’s gone

Kang Yeosang as the Dormouse

yeosang is tired

he never got his afternoon nap because hongjoong was so sure that this alice was the one

he was excited for the hatter’s party this afternoon and his eyes drooped at the thought of being able to relax with the boys

he doesn’t really want to do this but he trusts hongjoong

if he’s sure you were the right alice then he knew how important it was to keep you safe, and he was going to give his all to protect you

he’s waiting for you to drink from the vial but you... aren’t

because you are still. confused.

you have tons of questions that you want to ask like WHAT is going on and WHY are you so small and was that boy really a rabbit and what was his name and why did he give me this and

but yeosang is like what are you waiting for? you gotta drink it do what it says

and you still have questions because wHY DID HE SAY I WAS IN DANGER, but he also said to do whatever yeosang told you to stay safe

and none of this makes any sense to you, so who were you to not do what he says

so you drink from the vial 

it’s fucking nasty

at first it was great, but the after taste made your eyes water and your throat burn

you started coughing, and when you stopped you noticed that yeosang was a lot closer to you than he was before

in fact, he and the door were suddenly much bigger than they had been a moment ago

until it hit you that whatever was in the vial had shrunk you

you don’t have any time to question it because yeosang is pulling out a key like the one hongjoong had so he can open the door for you and

holy shit

what you see is beautiful in every way

the sky was a brilliant blue with clouds like pillows and warm sunlight

the pathway you found yourself on was made of rocks and cobblestones with vibrant grass surrounding it

there had to have been millions of different flowers and plant species that towered over you when they wouldn’t normally

the flowers were like trees and the trees were like mountains

it was incredible seeing it from such a small perspective, but it truly made all the difference

you thought about how this must have been yeosang’s norm, and you noticed that like hongjoong he had animal ears as well

the boy next to you had mouse ears, and they bounced with his hair as he walked

at yeosang’s level, you also noticed that he had a sword that would be about the size of a toothpick at your normal size

his coat was similar to hongjoong’s too, only his was blue instead of hongjoong’s red one

he was... elegant, and he walked with an air of grace surrounding him

you couldn’t help but think that at this level you could tell he was cute too and it involuntarily brought a small smile to your lips

you were so in awe by everything and completely distracted by him that you could hardly hear what yeosang was telling you

he snapped his fingers in front of your face to get you to focus

“please focus alice, i’m trying to keep you alive”

you finally ask WHO is alice but yeosang only shakes his head at you because wow you don’t even know

when in reality, why should you?

so yeosang repeats what he was saying

“always follow the path, alice. don’t eat anything anyone gives you. if you see red run, and if you see cards hide”

and you’re only left with more questions as you’re both walking because what the hell do you mean cards, and why did i drink what that rabbit boy gave me

and yeosang just kind of sighs and says “fine don’t eat anything else” but he doesn’t really elaborate on what he meant by cards

and he doesn’t get the chance to because there’s suddenly a rustling coming from the distance and heavy footsteps

they’re getting louder and faster as time does by and yeosang is like SHIT he already knows you’re here

and you ask him who he’s talking about but he doesn’t say anything,, he only grabs your hand and starts running into the forest of flower trees and tall grass

which is off the path, so yeosang is already breaking his own rule

but you’re sick of not knowing what’s going on, so you plant your feet into the dirt below you and demand your questions be answered

and yeosang knows you don’t know what’s after you, but he does

he knows how dangerous it is to stop for even a moment so he’s like wHAt come on we have to go!

but you finally ask “what’s going on? what’s after us?”

“bandersnatch”

his words were simple, but his voice and his gaze were dark and knowing

you don’t know what a bandersnatch is, but just the way he said it chilled you to your core

so you let him keep leading you through the forest of flowers

and as you’re running you can’t help but think... is the ground getting less firm?

you knew it was a weird thought, but you could have sworn it was getting harder to run let alone walk

like the earth was changing to slow you down, to stop you,,, like it wanted you to get caught

you almost completely disregarded the thought figuring you were going mad when yeosang nearly fell over, which is something you didn’t expect because he had been so light on his feet before

he stopped then and unsheathed his sword

there was a small part of you that thought he was going to kill you or hand you over to whatever was chasing you, but the bigger part knew he was going to stay behind

it wasn’t a comforting thought, especially because you didn’t know what was chasing you

yeosang turned toward you again

“go, and please listen to what I told you”

“no what? what are you-”

“alice please, find the path again, don’t talk to strangers, don’t eat anything, and please please don’t stop and smell the roses”

in any other circumstance, you would have thought he was joking with his phrasing

but then again you were currently running for your life

it was the ominous way he said it that made you want to listen to him

your moment of hesitation made yeosang practically push you in the opposite direction

“go! run!”

it was enough to knock you back to your senses, and you turned and ran through the garden forest

the ground didn’t get any better as you ran, and you found yourself stumbling almost every other step

the further you went the more the flowers around you seemed to get closer to you

you could have sworn they were whispering to each other as you went, but that was impossible

they loomed over you like they were trying to close in and trap you, just like the earth was doing

branches were in your way, stems closing in and thorns tearing into your clothes and your skin

like the flowers were reaching out to grab you

you could feel the blood pricking at your cuts, and your legs screamed at you to stop running

but you couldn’t,,, you would be caught

you ran and ran as best as you could until finally, finally, you were free from the flower forest

you found yourself in an actual forest this time, the woods and the trees blocking out almost any sunlight from illuminating the world around you

but there was just enough for you to see the dirt path before you

you were quick to get back on it, and now that you were you let yourself slow down to breathe

your limbs were heavy and you were so tired, and now you were more banged up than before

you shivered, and you didn’t know if it was because of the chilly air or your own fear

there was mist in the air as well, so you could only see so far ahead of you

you continued on the path slowly

as you walked though you heard a soft noise

you think you’re mistaken because it sounds like laughter so you ignore it at first

but then it becomes more pronounced, more distinct, and you know there is someone laughing

it’s not sinister though,, it honestly sounds kind of genuine

melodic even

you’re about to pass under a large tree branch when out of nowhere - quite literally - a boy appears as if part of the mist

Jeong Yunho as the Cheshire Cat

the first thing you notice about the boy is that he has cat ears and a cat tail

the second thing you notice - and maybe it’s just because of how small you are - is just how big he is

he takes up the entire branch he’s laying on and even hangs off of it a bit

the final thing you notice is the huge grin on his face, a big toothy smile

it doesn’t feel mischievous though,, in fact it’s even kind of infectious

without even meaning to, you start smiling as well

and somehow, it immediately makes you feel less tired

it seems like it makes the boy smile even brighter if that’s possible

he leans his head on his hand as his tail swings back and forth lazily off the branch

“huh, where might you be off to stranger?”

you’re well aware that yeosang told you quite specifically not to talk to strangers

you’re prepared to just keep walking, but you find yourself really wanting to stop and talk to this weird cat-boy

so you hesitate trying to think about what you should do

he simply smiles at you though

“cat got your tongue?”

and then he’s laughing at his own joke like it was the funniest thing he’s ever heard

and god his laughter is infectious too

when you finally gather your bearings you tell him you’re not supposed to be talking to strangers, that you need to keep following the path

“where to?”

you.... don’t have an answer

truly you don’t know, and yeosang never told you where to go

the crippling thought of being completely and utterly lost makes you stop again, “i... i don’t know”

yunho sees your mood change, the downcast and dejected look that ghosts over your face as you look down

and yunho just can’t have that

he thinks i gotta turn that frown upside down NOW

so he starts leaning forward off of the branch, and you’re worried because stop oh god you’re gonna fall!

but yunho just keeps going and keeps going and... keeps going

until he’s off of the branch, but he’s still floating above the ground

and you think this place just keeps getting weirder

yunho floats over to you so you finally get to see him up close

he really is huge, and you know it’s not just because you’re tiny

his eyes are giant and slit like a cat’s too, and they seem to change between yellow and green and blue

truth be told, he looks inviting with his fluffy sweater and his soft hair and his nice smile

the longer you’re together, you feel you can trust this boy

yunho speaks again, his voice softer than it was before

“don’t hesitate. people get lost when they doubt, so don’t. know you are going the right way, even if you don’t have any direction. then you’ll never be lost”

while it doesn’t make the most sense, it does make you feel better

you smile at him again softly and thank him genuinely

and yunho smiles even bigger because that’s exactly what he wanted - you to smile

“my name is yunho” he says before he decides he’s going to mess with you

so with a smirk, he disappears again into the mist

and it shocks you enough to have you turning every which way to see where tf he went, and you keep thinking goddamnit i’m alone again

but yunho reappears back on the same branch as before, only he’s hanging upside down from it

he almost reaches the ground because he’s so tall

but now that he’s back, you introduce yourself

yunho has kind of a lazy smile on his face and he’s like huh

because yunho’s not dumb, he’s everywhere so of course he’s heard whispers of a newcomer in wonderland

a new and promising alice

that rabbit hongjoong was practically hysterical about it when he passed in the wood hours ago, along with the constant “i’m late i’m late i’m late”

so yunho’s smile changes now to a bit more mischievous, and the switch is noticeable

there’s a glint in his big eyes and a twitch in his ears and an almost smirk that makes you feel the air has changed

the warmth is still there, that didn’t change, but now your chills are back, and you know they’re not from cold or a breeze or the mist

you’re about to bid him farewell when yunho continues

he knows a place where people could help you to not hesitate if you just keep following the path

ironically you’re still hesitant, only this time it’s because you really don’t want to be alone

but yunho quickly adds that he could be your guide along the path

and his kind and warm smile is back, gone any of the questionable mischief

in return it makes you feel warm again and all of the doubt washes away

you accept, and yunho’s cheshire grin grows until he's disappearing and reappearing right next to you

side by side he holds his hand out to urge your forward, and you begin again on the path - you walking and yunho hovering

it seems as though the huge cat boy gets smaller, like he was shrinking himself to your level

and you kind of appreciate it a lot because it feels more normal somehow despite how he’s literally floating

so you continue on the path through the woods talking amongst yourselves a bit

you explain to yunho how you got to this strange place and what’s happened so far

and yunho finds you have come across the rabbit and the mouse

so he’s like ahh you’re the one hongjoong was going on about but you’re like huh who’s that

and yunho tells you that the boy you fell on was hongjoong, the white rabbit who is an advisor at the palace

and you don’t really ask about the palace, but you’re still kinda reflective and repentant like “...i feel bad for falling on him. i broke his glasses”

yunho just wants to laugh because what a silly alice,,, with the way hongjoong was talking about you he’s not mad in the slightest

the entire time you’re walking together (more or less) you can’t help but think how nice this is because this is the first person since coming to this place that’s actually talking to you without a sense of urgency

it’s refreshing since both hongjoong and yeosang made it quite clear to you that you had to fear for your life if you wanted to live

yunho is just letting you live

you don’t get much out of yunho in terms of backstory or such

he does tell you a bit about how this place works, like how the food works and why yeosang was so adamant about you not eating anything

that little mouse always had a habit of making things sound like the end of the world

he also shares with you some little anecdotes from his life like when he stole hongjoong’s pocket watch one day and the boy nearly gave himself a heart attack

but finally, you reach the end of the wood and into a more open area of land

but unlike when you first entered the door with yeosang and saw color and vibrancy and beauty and something so wonderful

this was anything but, almost the complete opposite

the land was dirty and gray with hardly a flower growing out of it

gone were the brilliant blue sky and fluffy white clouds and comforting sunlight, now replaced with a completely overcast sky

as far as the eye could see, there was nothing particularly wonderful about any of it

you ask what happened, and for the first time since meeting him, you see yunho’s smile falter

he simply keeps moving ahead, saying you were almost there

you don’t talk anymore after that until you reach your destination

when you finally stop, you’ve reached a rather strange house with a bright windmill at the top

attached to the house is a tall hedge wall that disappears behind it, a wooden gate on either side

there was more grass here and there and some flowers, yet while it wasn’t a lot you couldn’t help but think that there were more flowers here than anywhere else in this land

it all looked... very out of place

yunho’s smile is back on his face as he watches you, opening the wooden gate for you both to enter behind the house

inside the walls was nothing at all like it was outside

you hadn’t heard it outside, but inside you can hear music that seemingly comes from nowhere

the back of the house was painted in stripes - pink and purple and blue and black and yellow with just about any bright color to match

looking closer the paint even looks wet still, like someone is constantly painting over it

the ground is cobblestone and grass, perhaps the greenest grass you’ve ever seen, even greener than when you first arrived with yeosang

in the center of the area is a loooong table with all sorts of chairs surrounding it

the table was littered with teacups and dishes and food and tea

in fact, there was tea everywhere

the delicious scent of the scones and the warmth of the tea makes your stomach growl and honestly, it catches everyone’s attention

because you’re not alone anymore,, sitting at the head of the table is a boy with a top hat and crazy eyes

on the left is another boy with rabbit ears, only his are brown and not nearly as well kept as hongjoong’s were

the color of his eyes reminds you of yunho’s but his pupils are so dilated and they’re so shifty

honestly, the boy himself is really twitchy

you’re surprised to see that on the right sitting on top of a stack of books is yeosang

his blue coat was gone, instead wearing a pink one with the buttons undone

the boys are all ecstatic to see yunho, all nearly shouting about how he’s just in time for the hatter’s unbirthday party

there’s a chorus of “ no way it’s MY unbirthday too!” that arises and it just serves to confuse you

but that mischievous smile is back on yunho’s face as he floats over to one of the seats

“yeah, i brought a guest”

Park Seonghwa as the Mad Hatter

at the head of the table, seonghwa’s crazy eyes widen a bit

they... they never get guests

and for his unbirthday party no less

he feels it calls for even more celebration

at the sight of you though yeosang is like “i thought i told you not to talk to strangers” and you’re like “WELL YOU KNOW HIM”

there’s really no winning with that boy geez

however, yeosang did tell seonghwa and mingi about hongjoong’s attempt at finding another alice

he expressed his suspicion, but he’s also starting to come around to the idea that you are the one

if you made it through the flowers and out of the woods, you’re doing better than most

and because of that, seonghwa comes ricocheting onto the table and walks across it to come meet you

he’s saying something like come and join our festivities, i’m sure it’s your unbirthday too alice

so he grabs your hand and leads drags you back across the table so you can sit next to him

you’re tired of being tiny

but walking on the table means there are dishes and cups and tea and food getting everywhere and breaking and lowkey you’re kinda afraid because that seems really dangerous

but hatter seonghwa does this all the time so he’s got it perfected

besides, he’ll have a ball cleaning it all up later and that’s not a joke

cleaning up after a tea party just means they can have another one soon!

so he sits you down next to him on the same side as the other rabbit boy and immediately starts dishing up some food and tea

but you’re kinda confused and ask umm what’s an unbirthday

you can practically hear a record scratch because all of them stop really abruptly to look at you and they’re like YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT AN UNBIRTHDAY IS??

seonghwa tries to explain it but he’s just so in shock that you don’t know he can’t practically word

he waves past you at the hare mingi to explain it instead because truly how could you not know what an unbirthday is?

so mingi explains it in his twitchy way, saying there’s only 1 birthday but 364 unbirthdays

he ends up getting extremely distracted by his spoon, his eyes getting impossibly bigger and pupils dilating even more than you thought they could

but you do understand now, and you happily tell them that it is in fact your unbirthday too

and suddenly they’re all clapping for you and digging back into their treats

the music starts up again at that too, and you’re almost sure it’s the teapots that are producing it

and you all have a nice unbirthday party for all of you :)

the hatter and the hare formally introduce themselves to you, park seonghwa and song mingi at your service

and they’re both shaking your hands at the same time but it makes you giggle

seonghwa with his red eyes and lovely smile says “welcome to wonderland”

he notices your torn clothes and it makes him pout a bit

he ends up taking off his scarf so you can wrap up in it if you’d like, since the scarf was big enough to be a blanket at your size

that alone made your heart skip a beat, but the sweet smile on his face warmed you even more than his scarf did

truly, this is the most welcome you’ve felt since getting here

seonghwa talks to you a lot and asks you questions, but it never feels overbearing

“what brings you here on this golden afternoon?” he asks

but he also asks you “why is a raven like a writing desk?”

he also tells a very sad story about a walrus, a carpenter, and some curious oysters

but he and the other boys are very polite and trying to get to know you

while you’re talking though you ask quite innocently “hatter why do they call you mad?”

the music gets quieter as he gets a faraway look in his eyes

it puts a bit of a damper on everyone, but before you can apologize he answers

“most everyone’s mad here, my dear” he says softly

“i was never good at cards, and the hand i’ve been dealt has been rather... much”

and you don’t know exactly what he means by that but he only stares off into space, reflective

seonghwa doesn’t like thinking about his past because it makes him sad, and he doesn’t like being sad

tea parties and unbirthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, but once he starts thinking about it it’s hard for him to stop

the other boys know this, so they explain to you what’s going on

he used to be a trusted advisor of the white queen, but then the red queen took over and never treated him the same

he was still an advisor for a while, but he could only take so much until he was finally dismissed for madness

“anyone who spends five minutes with that wicked man will surely end up going mad”

“i don’t know how hongjoong does it”

“all of us call him the queen of hearts because we’re sure he doesn’t have one”

this makes seonghwa laugh, and he starts returning to normal

you lean forward to try and grab his hand as best you can, and he appreciates the gesture

honestly, he thought you were the sweetest person he’d ever met, and he had only just met you

but he always liked to think he was an excellent judge of character

so the tea party continues on pleasantly

until

there’s some harsh knocking on seonghwa’s front door

and once again the nonexistent music stops completely, and it’s dead quiet except for the knocking

everyone knows exactly who it is except for you, but then again why should you?

seonghwa and mingi share a look with their identical yet completely different crazy eyes, but they look like they know exactly what they’re going to do

so seonghwa gets up and goes to his front door all while yeosang is fiddling with his sword, yunho is phasing in and out of thin air, and mingi is shaking and pulling on his ears

but you’re still sitting there with a half-drunk cup of tea and a cake that’s calling your name, but you know now’s not the time

after a while there are loud voices coming from inside seonghwa’s house, and that’s when suddenly things spring into action

yeosang stands from his stack of books and takes a cake from a dish that has the words ‘eat me’ painted in dainty cursive - just like the vial from earlier

you stare in awe as yeosang grows in height and stature until he’s around the same size as the other boys, no longer the size of a mouse

yunho disappears in a cloud of mist towards the house, and you can only assume he’s going to do something in there

mingi though is stuffing some of the food and treats and tea in a pack before, on shaky legs, he’s going toward you

damn he was huge too, but again that could just be because you’re still fucking tiny

he holds his hand out for you to take and before you can ask what’s going on, there is commotion going on inside of the house

you can hear extra voices besides seonghwa, one of them being yunho like you thought, and yeosang runs into the house with his sword drawn

mingi takes your hand then and half leads half drags you out of the hatter’s backyard

out of the colorful walls and beautiful scenery and back into the dark overcast of the world beyond you

Song Mingi as the March Hare

because mingi’s a rabbit too he’s so fucking fast so you can hardly keep up

and mingi knows this, so he hoists you up on his shoulder and starts running even faster than he had before

he knew you would only slow you guys down if you stayed on the ground, and you would have gotten caught for sure

but you still don’t know why you would’ve gotten caught, why you’re still running

so you ask mingi

you finally want your questions fucking answered

“what is going on? tell me the truth”

sweet mingi sees the fire in your eyes and the hears harshness of your voice and a few things come to mind

first, he knows your anger isn’t directed at him he’s just there, but it scares the shit out of him because holy fuck you’re scary when you’re angry

lowkey it’s also kinda attractive but you didn’t hear that from me

the second thing is that that fire is exactly what makes you alice

that fire is exactly what is going to save them

he continues running for a few minutes so he knows there’s enough distance between you and seonghwa’s house

when he starts to slow down you can tell that he’s not even tired, but he’s still going at a brisk pace

but when he does and because mingi is a sweetie, he tells you what the deal is

he tells you more about the red queen and how he’s not the true ruler of wonderland

his entire army is made up of playing cards, but only the heart cards - another reason he’s called the queen of hearts

mingi also tells you that the true ruler is the white queen, but his crown was stolen by the queen of hearts

there’s a prophecy that everyone in wonderland knows, telling of an outsider who will stumble into wonderland in their time of need and help them reclaim their kingdom

the hero, alice, would be the one to defeat the red queen and return the kingdom to its rightful ruler

and it’s their belief that that hero is you

mingi explains that every once in a while hongjoong will go up to your world to find a potential alice, but all of them have failed

he doesn’t tell you why none of them succeeded, and it makes you feel uneasy

but now, with you continuing to prove yourself and having survived this long, everyone is starting to believe that you are the one who will save them

and holy shit that’s a lot for you to take in

you literally came here by accident trying to ask a strange boy a question

you did not sign up for this, nor are you prepared to defeat a tyrant ruler

but mingi keeps talking because, you guessed it, the red queen knows you’re there

that’s why you have had to run so much, because if the red queen finds you, he’s gonna have you killed

and fuck if that ain’t more pressure

it’s lucky that the red queen doesn’t know what you look like or else you’d be dead by now

but then mingi just stops and looks at you on his shoulder and is like..... do you want to go back to your normal size?

and you’re kind of confused because it came out of nowhere

but also of course you want to get bigger, you’ve been tired of it for so long how do you get bigger?

mingi decides then that it wouldn’t hurt to slow down a bit more, so he picks you off of his shoulder and to the ground

and out of his pack he takes out one of the cakes he took, and it’s similar to the one yeosang ate to get bigger

the treat says ‘eat me’ on it too, and he hands it to you and tells you not to eat it all, only a bite

so you do, and unlike the disgusting vial from earlier the cake is almost sickeningly sweet

it felt like that single bite of cake rose in your stomach, and it continued rising until you were back to your original size

once you’re big again you can see that mingi is still tall, and you’re sure yunho is just as big too, maybe even bigger

you thank him because while being small was cool and all for a while and you could see all that cool stuff, you much prefer being your normal size

you give the cake back to mingi and your hands brush, and you take his eyes widening as you had done something wrong so you apologize

but in reality, mingi is malfunctioning and his ears are twitching and he’s shaking again and his eyes are shifty and he really wishes he could pull on his ears but also he doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of you

so with shaking hands he puts the cake away and continues walking pretty fast-paced and tells you that you have to keep going

you ask him where as you adjust seonghwa’s scarf around your neck - since it was finally small enough to be a scarf - because really where could you be going?

“i’m taking you to the white queen”

and you freak out a little because oh shit i’m about to meet royalty there’s even more pressure

you keep on the dirt path until you come to a fork in the road, a wooden pole with numerous signs giving directions

the ones closer to the ground said things like “this way” “that way” and “yonder” and you wondered who could have put those there

the one on the top-right though had a large red heart painted on it

the one to the left of it had been broken off

mingi led you in the direction of the broken sign

“the white queen’s castle is this way, we just have to keep following the path”

you both continue talking a bit more, and mingi is kinda just telling you about what the white queen is like

but much like before, you are stopped by the sound of heavy footsteps in the distance

and mingi’s eyes widen again and his pupils are so small

and he’s like fUCK they found us already

so mingi grabs your hand and you start running again along the path

and you keep running until the guards are gaining pretty damn close

they’re close enough for you to see that yeah, those guards are cards except for the one in the front

you don’t stop running, but mingi has to shout to tell you that you have to keep following the path to get to the white queen’s castle and that you are going to have to do it alone

before you can ask or stop him, mingi is letting go of your hand and running off the path, shouting at the guards to catch their attention

and for the most part it works, you see most of the card guards veer off the path to follow the march hare when you glance behind you

but there is still one guard chasing you

the one in the front who wasn’t actually a card

so you’re running as fast as you can to escape this one guy while also trying to get to the white queen’s castle

you think you can see something off in the distance but you’re not too sure

and you can’t figure it out just yet because the guard, atop a beautiful black horse, catches up to you

Choi Jongho as the Captain

once he reaches you, he grabs your arm to lift you onto his horse, but you end up falling to the ground instead and get dragged oof

and because of this the boy gets off the horse and stands in front of you

the boy wasn’t necessarily super tall, but wow this kid is buff

while you now know why these guys are chasing you, you still end up asking rather fearfully fUCK who are you why do you keep chasing me please don’t kill me 

“silence, you are in the presence of choi jongho, captain of the red queen’s guard”

honestly? he’s kinda scary, and you’re worried he’s going to smite you right then and there

but that sweet boy is still human so he’s seeing you and how afraid you are of him and shit are these feelings?

but jongho is still the captain of the guard so he can’t just?? not do his job???

so he starts questioning you like “state your business, alice”

he shouldn’t be questioning you though, and he knows the queen would have his head if he knew he didn’t just take you in

literally, not figuratively

but he really just doesn’t want to do anything he’ll regret

but you’re there thinking fuck i know about the prophecy and it probably is me it’s talking about but i can’t let this captain kid know that

“i don’t know who this alice person is or why everyone keeps calling me that, but man i just want to go home :(”

now look, jongho knows you’re not telling the whole truth 

he and hongjoong know everyone in wonderland, and he’s never seen you before

but he knows your distress is real,,, he’s seen it many times before

you also seem quite genuine about wanting to get out of here and goddamnit jongho’s HEART is ACHING and he’s having a goddamn change of heart about his loyalties fuck fuck fuck

so jongho sheathes his sword which is a good sign, but you don’t feel brave enough to get up

and jongho, stoic as ever, is like yep you’re alice alright, but you say you’re here by accident?

“yes, i was following the rabbit”

“the rabbit? hongjoong?”

“YEs him!”

and jongho has a lot of respect for hongjoong,,, the guy’s the red queen’s advisor, the most trusted one along with jongho

yet hongjoong still fights for wonderland and wonderland only

jongho honestly looks up to hongjoong because of that

it’s not about loyalty to the ruler, it’s about loyalty to wonderland

which is why hongjoong is so adamant about finding the alice of the prophecy, so they can restore the kingdom of wonderland to what it is supposed to be

under the rule of the white queen

and because jongho respects hongjoong so much and since he’s so sure you are alice

he is willing to help you

jongho holds his hand out for you to help you up and you see tattooed on the back of it is a big red heart, and you can’t help but think it makes him look like he’s... branded

you’re hesitant to take his hand because just a moment ago you were afraid he was going to kill you

but jongho sees this so he says “relax i’m not going to kill you,, in fact, i’m gonna help you”

so you take his hand and he lifts you up and wow he’s strong but you ask him why you should believe him

and truth be told you shouldn’t because his armor alone is enough to tell you where his loyalties lie

but jongho says “look i’m willing to let you go if you really are the alice from the prophecy” and then he asks you if you are planning on defeating the queen of hearts

the fact that he was calling the queen that told you all you needed to know about his loyalties

while you’re not fond of the idea of defeating someone, you’re pretty resigned to your fate

so you tell him yes

and jongho tells you he’s going to let you go

you’re confused again though so you ask why are you letting me go are you not the queen’s captain?

and jongho’s like yeah ok i know i’m supposed to be loyal and i am loyal just not to the red queen

“i’m loyal to one thing and that’s wonderland”

jongho tells you that wonderland doesn’t stand a chance if the red queen continues to rule, that the people of wonderland deserve better and that better comes from the white queen

you see now where he stands and realize no he’s not bad and he’s not disloyal

he just has a strong moral compass, and you respect that

jongho tells you he would escort you to the white queen’s castle, but he still has to keep up appearances so he has to let you go on your own

because jongho knows damn well that if he “fails” or the red queen figures out his allegiance is changing, he dies

so he’s gonna ride back to catch up to his card guards while you keep following the path because you’re almost there

he probably tenderly places his hand on your shoulder and is like “stay outta trouble” or some shit honestly

but anyway jongho gets back on his horse to leave and you thank him

because from the bottom of your heart you really mean it, and you’re thankful for him for sparing your life and being so caring about wonderland

and jongho ends up blushing a bit because you’re just really sweet he hopes you win

he tells you “thank you for saving us” even though nothing has happened yet, but you’re there to save them now

so jongho leaves to find his card guards while you once again start along the path

and jongho was telling the truth, the white queen’s castle isn’t that far away so you get there pretty soon

and you’re still. so. tired.

you’re almost exhausted and your clothes are still torn and you’re still covered in cuts and bruises that scream the longer you move

so when you see the tall white walls and the gate to the white queen’s castle you nearly cry

when you’re through the gate - which, unlike the red queen, has tall white chess pieces on guard - you fall to the ground and finally let yourself relax because you finally feel safe

you finally made it

as you’re laying down with your eyes closed on the hard ground in front of the castle, you hear a nice voice above you

“welcome to my home, alice”

Choi San as the White Queen

holy shit it’s an angel

not an angel no, a god

those are your first thoughts when you open your eyes and see the ethereal man in front of you

clad in all white with a gentle glow around him, no one needed to tell you that this man was the white queen

he held his elegant hand out for you to take 

san doing princess hands hnNNG BYE

“my name is choi san, alice. i’ve been expecting you”

his words are warm and fluid, and you don’t feel nearly as tired

san too can’t help but think about how tired you must be from your journey, and his eyes are tinged with sadness as he realizes you’re hurt

he’s so warm and inviting and welcoming that your body moves on its own

you take his hand, and he gently helps you up before leading you inside the castle

the castle is regal with white marble pillars and a white tile floor that practically looks like glass

there are so many floor-to-ceiling windows that let in natural light and makes everything look so beautiful

san leads you to the kitchens and it too is almost completely white with larges windows and

...

what’s mingi doing here?

when mingi sees you though he’s like NICE YOU’RE STILL ALIVE lmao

he looks like he’s cooking but also it’s hard to tell because he keeps throwing stuff around

but san just glides over to one of the tables to work on his own project and beckons you to join him

you have to duck a couple of times because mingi is throwing something that looks like food but you can’t be too sure

you dip your finger into a bowl on the counter and tell mingi it needs more salt

but i digress

you go over to san while he’s working on something and watch him like :))) watcha doing?

and san simply smiles, thinking

you, alice, were here in front of him

you were to be their savior

and wow you were cute too

he keeps working and doesn’t really say anything, but you see he’s putting a lot of weird ingredients together to make some sort of concoction

and you know he’s gonna make you ingest this and you can’t help but think fuck these ingredients are gonna be so gross but also i’ve eaten a bunch of gross stuff today so what’s one more thing

so once it’s done san smiles and holds out a spoon for you

“this will heal your wounds, just blow on it because it’s hot”

and you’re like yeah sure thing and do it before drinking from the spoon

ironically, it’s one of the best tasting things you’ve had all day

which doesn’t sound right

but anyway

it starts working immediately, and you can feel your cuts and wounds close up and your bruises are soothed which tells you that they are going away

and you’re pleasantly surprised and thank him. “i feel so much better!”

and san’s beautiful fucking smile never leaves and he says of course alice it’s the least i can do

he tells you then that he’ll lead you somewhere in the castle for you to get fresh clothes since yours are ruined

you keep the hatter’s scarf with you even after you change because you find it quite comforting

but once all of that is through and you’re all rested, san takes you to the throne room

you see mingi and yeosang and seonghwa and yunho there too, and they all look so happy to see you

but once you’re there and standing before a humble white throne

san finally offers his proposal

“alice, there is a prophecy that tells of a hero who will come to our land to save us. they are meant to defeat the red queen and help us reclaim the throne so the rightful ruler can reign. i am certain that you are this hero. everything about you fits that of the prophecy. i have no right to ask this of you, alice, but will you fight for us? will you help us to take back our kingdom?”

hearing it out loud, being asked, suddenly makes this feel so real

you roughly already heard the prophecy from mingi, so at least you saw this coming

but you don’t feel like you can decline in front of all these people who are counting on you

more importantly, you don’t want to

you know you really are the only chance of these people getting their kingdom back, and from all you’ve seen and been through, you do care about wonderland

you know the people care about wonderland too, and whether you help them or not, they are going to fight

so why not help them?

so you accept

you say that you will help them to defeat the red queen, you just need to know what to do

before san can say anything else the throne room erupts into cheers and applause because finally, finally, they have a chance to have their kingdom back

san holds his hand out to quiet everyone down

he tells you that you will have to infiltrate the red queen’s palace somehow and find him - he explains to you what has to happen

all the while though you can’t help but think how in the world am i supposed to do this???

you express this concern to him once he’s finished and he’s quick to reassure you

“you won’t be alone, dear alice, i promise you”

and you want to ask but then you remember

hongjoong, the boy who found you and started all of this, is one of the queens advisors

jongho, the fiercely loyal and branded boy, should be right there with him

they will be there

yeosang offers to go too and help fight which is super sweet because man that boy is fearless for such a small mouse, even though he was the size of a normal person still

even the other boys look like they would volunteer in a heartbeat so you wouldn’t be alone

and you feel incredibly grateful for each of them

you find yourself in a room preparing for your imminent battle soon after everyone was dismissed from the throne room

san knocks on the door not long after

all the while you are sitting on the bed with anxiety eating at you as the reality sets in even further

you were about to battle someone without a clue what would happen in the end, and that was terrifying

but sweet san is there to encourage and reassure you that while it will be hard and you will be tested, you are strong and capable

you can do this

and he says something like what yunho said before

“if you doubt yourself, you’ll lose yourself”

he really does help you to calm down,,, his voice is so soothing and he himself is so nice and caring

so you say “thank you, your majesty”

but he shakes his head fondly and says “please, call me san”

but his smile falls for a moment as he looks intently into your eyes,, and it’s so different from how you’ve ever seen him so you’re slightly worried

“you don’t have to do this,, i won’t force you... if you wish to go home, you can. you have a choice”

the thought had crossed your mind multiple times

you did want to go home

but you wanted to help them more

you gently take san’s hand from his lap and squeeze it

“i’m going to do this. i promise”

he looks at you, and you think your eyes are playing tricks when you see his gloss over

you can’t dwell on it because he lifts your hand to give it a kiss, and that alone told you everything

when the time came you were hesitant to leave the white queen’s castle, and san was hesitant to let you leave as well

but you both knew you had to do this

so on horseback, looking back one last time past the gates at all of the people you’ve met and bonded with, you finally made your journey to the red queen’s palace

you were lucky not to have too many problems along the way, but sneaking in was...

scary

the palace was looming and red and black, and you could have sworn even the moat was blood red

you hoped to all things it wasn’t blood

you would have asked yeosang, but you lost him once he went back to his mouse size

all the while as you’re sneaking into the palace and stalking down the halls, you are taking his advice to heart about the color red and cards

but you couldn’t remember,,, did he say run if you see red and hide if you see cards? or did he say hide if you see red and run if you see cards?

you don’t have enough time to figure it out when you see the card guards coming right down the hall toward you

you make the fatal mistake of running

their uniform pounding footsteps flood your senses as they catch up in no time

a card guard takes hold of each of your arms and begin dragging you away

your fear spikes as they bring you all the way to red queen’s throne room

if san’s castle was light and comforting, the red queen’s is red and menacing

the windows are stained glass, not letting in nearly as much light

there’s a wide staircase leading up to a looming red and gold throne, and you think that it too looks like the color of blood

but when you look up, your blood runs cold

Jung Wooyoung as the Queen of Hearts

standing in front of his throne is the red queen himself, waiting for you

this is it, you think,, no... you know this is it

you’re caught infiltrating the queen of hearts’ palace,, he will have your head

your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest 

you have to think fast

wooyoung has his hands on his hips, golden crown and black robe making him look absolutely regal in his red suit

to his left is the card captain jongho, his branded hand clutching his sword, and his eyes giving away more emotion than he means

to his right is the white rabbit hongjoong, his white waistcoat covered in red hearts, and his ears standing up at attention, eyes wide and skin drained looking as if he wasn’t even breathing

all eyes were on you

and despite the fear coursing through you, you don’t back down

you vaguely wonder where yeosang could be when suddenly, the queen makes the first move

wooyoung takes the few stairs down to you, and you can see up close that his handsome face is fuming red with anger

the card guards let go of you and back away so the queen’s wrath can be fully directed at you

“who are you and what are you doing sneaking around my castle?”

his voice is loud and carries throughout the entire room

you nearly flinch back but you force yourself not to

but... hang on

he asked who you were

does... does he not know that you are the alice?

from your peripheral vision, you can see hongjoong’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates and jongho takes his hand away from his sword in surprise

but then you remembered

mingi said the queen didn’t know what you looked like so he didn’t know it was you, and you were determined to keep it that way

you force any shock from your face so you can appear as stoic as possible

“please forgive me, your majesty-”

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK WHEN YOU WEREN’T ASKED TO”

he goes on about how disrespectful it is already to be snooping around another person’s home, but to talk out of turn like that is another level entirely

he ends up whipping around to hongjoong with murder in his eyes and a shout that rattles through you 

“OFF WITH THEIR HEAD”

you’re immediately filled with panic

you see hongjoong shaking looking like he wanted to step forward and say something, but he can’t without risking wooyoung finding out the truth about him

even jongho looks like he wants to intervene, but as the queen’s captain he can’t

you briefly think about where yeosang might be as you wrack your brain for what to do

little do you know he’s just about to come down there and fight the queen himself when you, in a split second, decide what to do

you take a chance

“i’m here for the queen’s unbirthday!” you say as the guards take your arms again, starting to pull you out of the throne room

the room goes silent then

you hope to all things that today of all days wasn’t the queen’s actual birthday

the change in wooyoung’s mood is immediate

the furrow in his brow is gone, raising instead as a large and open-mouthed smile forms on his face

the red in his face fades into what you could almost mistake as a faint blush

“ahhh my unbirthday how sweet how did you know?” he asks excitedly, and even rather bashfully

“i heard it was today, your majesty. there has been much talk about your party”

you’re chuckling kind of hesitantly to diffuse the tension in the room, and it kinda works because wooyoung is letting out quite loud but genuine laughs in return

“why of course you did! my parties are always the best!”

hongjoong behind him: FUCK I HAVE TO PLAN AN ENTIRE PARTY THAT WAS DUE LAST MONTH

lowkey though he’s really relieved about it though because, you know, it means wooyoung’s not gonna kill you yet

but before hongjoong can sneak out to plan a fucking party and invite almost all of wonderland, wooyoung is turning around to talk to him

“rabbit when will my spectacular party be taking place?”

and hongjoong legit wants to die, like he’s actually considering getting beheaded so he wouldn’t have to do this

but despite his nerves and the twitch in his ears and the fidget of his hands he answers “just after tea time your majesty” which should be an hour or two which gives him time to get the party set up outside and invite almost all of wonderland

and wooyoung simply claps his hands none the wiser because even though it was just brought up he believes his party has been planned since the beginning of time basically

he shoos the guards away from you because unhand them NOW they are an honored guest!

he also waves off hongjoong and the other advisors in the room to leave so they can fucking plan and dismisses most of the guards too

it’s only him, you, jongho, yeosang (secretly heheh), and a few card guards left in the throne room now

and somehow the room feels brighter, as if the amount of light and color in the room changes based on the queen’s mood (which you wouldn’t have been surprised about)

wooyoung steps forward to take your hand sheesh what’s up with everyone and wanting to hold your hand and apologizes for his guards’ incompetence (even though the guards are under him)

and so he gently orders (not asks) you to join him for tea time since you’ve come all this way

but then he’s like no, oh no no no we have got to get you into something more suitable

so he tells a guard to escort you to get some new clothes while jongho escorts the queen for tea

you’re in red robes now and it feels... like a brand

it’s comfortable and all and you look nice and feel elegant

but it feels like the heart on jongho’s hand and the hearts on hongjoong’s waistcoat

in a way, it feels like you’re trapped now

but anyway you join wooyoung for tea

and wooyoung is much happier seeing you in red and he tells you that there’s a dress code inside the castle walls and for his parties

red and black

no white

gold is reserved for the queen

and since you are like a guest in the castle, wooyoung acts like you’re his personal guest, like he invited you himself because he likes you

so along with the new outfit, wooyoung also gives you a bouquet of red roses

only... the red is painted on

you take notice of this and are like “... you paint the roses red?”

and wooyoung once again loses his temper and is like WHO’S BEEN PAINTING MY ROSES RED FIND THEM AT ONCE AND OFF WITH THEIR HEAD

and jesus you freak out kinda because of his booming voice and fragile temper like shit it’s SCARY

and jongho’s in the back like fuck fuck fuck

wooyoung lowkey notices your shock and fear and calms down because whoops,, don’t want to seem crazy in front of my cute guest

but he is crazy dude like very very fragile

anyway you dine and have tea and you have to sit next to wooyoung because he wants to be close to the cute guest

and you’re pretty antsy next to him you just try your best not to show it

he asks you a bunch of questions like what’s your name where are you from simple questions

but he also asks like what do you think of the color red, do you like playing cards, what do you think about large dangerous animals, kinda weirder questions like that

and honestly it’s a lot for you to process and keep up with but also wooyoung’s kinda talking more anyway

because the red queen is very talkative and loud and somewhat egocentric, but also he really is trying to keep the conversation going and get to know you as best he can

one of the other advisors ends up coming in and is like i’m here to collect this person’s present for you your majesty

and you’re sitting there like sHIT I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING

but then wooyoung just kinda waves them off rather annoyed because why are you bothering us? clearly this person is my present ;))))

which... is a problem for a few reasons

first off, you’re like whoa ok umm what have i gotten myself into with this guy

but also you’re like well he’s cute so it’s not the worst thing that could happen, which sucks because i’m supposed to dethrone this guy

but then everyone else in the room who knows the queen and knows what he’s like know that... he doesn’t do that

the red queen wooyoung loves presents and gifts and getting things from other people

never once has he said someone didn’t have to give him a present

jongho is standing in the corner watching this unfold and thinking oh no,,, he really likes them

but same though you’re fucking great

and you can sort of see jongho just looking sick to his stomach and you’re like,, what’s that about

but anyway tea time ends eventually and it’s time to fucking party

honestly for only 1-2 hours to plan everything get everything set up and invite everyone, hongjoong did a fantastic job

because he has experience lmao this isn’t the first time something like this has happened,, this ain’t his first rodeo

but yeah there’s a bunch of people already at the party and a bunch of people lined up outside the gates to get in still

wooyoung comes out with you on his arm and jongho trailing behind you

and you’re like shit this is weird and uncomfortable i look like i’m his date when in reality i have to defeat him

lmao awkward

yeosang acts like he wasn’t just sneaking around the castle and joins the party, along with the hatter, the hare, and the cat

they’re all dressed exceptionally nicer than when you saw them before, but they don’t look comfortable at all

gone are the mismatched suits, soft sweaters, and noble coats, replaced with uniform red and black suits

you almost don’t even recognize seonghwa without his top hat

they all look miserable until they see you

at first they’re like,, fuck dID THEY BETRAY US for a hot minute

but hongjoong, who has seen the whole thing, is quick to let them know that this is all part of some plan

hopefully

which it is, you’re just making it up as you go along

some of the party’s festivities include the giving of presents (of course), the eating of cake, croquet, etc.

really you can obviously tell that no one likes the red queen, but they’re forced to come or else it’s disloyalty you know?

you don’t stay by wooyoung’s side the entire time, nor does he make you even though he wants you to and thinks you should want to

but because of that you are able to talk to the other boys

yeosang is still small but he has a cake with his name on it when you say go

mingi’s nerves are on high alert because holy shit we’re doing this we might die but at least we’ll die for a good cause

yunho is there to reassure you all and help ease your nerves with his nice smiles and melodic laughter and just him in general

seonghwa with his crazy red eyes is uncharacteristically quiet

the only thing he says to anyone is

“the dove is out of its cage”

and you’re like what and the other boys are like what but hongjoong is like oH

jongho has been hovering as well and the boys are suspicious about him but hongjoong explains to them that they can trust him, that his allegiance is changing as well and he doesn’t agree with the queen’s politics

something you already knew hehe

anyway hongjoong asks seonghwa when the dove will be returning to its cage and he just says very soon and suddenly hongjoong’s nerves are through the roof

because the dove is the white queen

san is on his way to wooyoung’s castle right now

and no one else knows that until san is literally at the gates of the castle trying to get in

and it’s a lot more chaotic now because there are a bunch of card guards shuffling to the gates and jongho has to go too since he’s the captain

and so when jongho comes back he’s got san with him striding in quite elegantly dressed in all white, completely unarmed

and wooyoung’s head feels like it’s going to explode because goddAMNIT I BANISHED YOU YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED HERE AND IF YOU’RE GONNA COME AT LEAST FOLLOW THE DRESS CODE

but san is unbothered, simply smiling as if wooyoung wasn’t about to threaten to chop his head off

wooyoung flat out asks what the hell san is doing there

to which he replies with “i was invited”

and wooyoung is like ahaha no i make it extremely clear to my advisors never to invite you because you’re not allowed here

and san’s just like “huh... well then what’s this?” and pulls out an extravagant invitation, the same one everyone else got

wooyoung’s eyes widen in fury and he whips around to hongjoong because who else would it be i guess but he literally looks like he’s gonna murder hongjoong then and there

but before anything else can be said, san keeps going

“before you go around pointing fingers, woo, you should know that your time here is coming to an end”

wooyoung simply laughs, “hA you and what army? i don’t see any of your chess pieces around”

he snaps and all of the card guards are surrounding them, jongho included 

and he also brings you closer because yeah he really does like you and he can’t have himself be threatened or anything in front of you

he has to be powerful because he is powerful and he wants to show off

“you see, san, i never liked chess. i much prefer cards,, they’re much more reliable”

the guards are grabbing san by the arms ready to take him away to be executed and literally everyone’s like !!!! FUCK THE QUEEN OUR ONLY HOPE IS ABOUT TO DIE WHERE’S ALICE WHEN YOU NEED THEM

hongjoong is literally looking back and forth between you and san like ?!?!?!?!?! IF YOU’RE GONNA DO SOMETHING NOW IS THE TIME

but san is still smiling. he’s not afraid

“i didn’t mean me”

you think that if there was ever a cue to spring into action, that was it

you get a hand on wooyoung’s sword and pull it out, immediately pointing it at him

everyone is completely silent

for once, so is wooyoung

he says your name, the first time anyone in this wonderland has said your name

and for whatever reason, it makes you feel terrible

“you know the prophecy, wooyoung, and you know the laws of this land”

he can hardly hear san’s words, only focusing on you

you have his weapon, his vorpal sword

if anything, that’s yours now

but he doesn’t want to think about what san is implying

wooyoung turns around to san again and waves for his guards to stand down

he walks toward san until they’re inches apart staring into each other’s eyes

“fine. i’ll show you the crown is mine”

so the red queen’s unbirthday party turns into a challenge

the laws of wonderland state that if the ruler is ever challenged to a duel for the crown, they are obligated to accept so they can either prove they are worthy of the crown or that someone else is

the rules are a bit fuzzy since you are the one fighting wooyoung for san, but i guess it’s allowed since wooyoung probably didn’t win the challenge himself at the beginning of his reign

but i digress, literally almost all of wonderland is crowding around a circle for you and wooyoung to duke it out for the crown

he takes jongho’s sword since you took his

for a while, it’s wooyoung who is winning because you don’t have the most experience with a sword

but after a while, you get used to it and wooyoung’s fighting style (which is very inconsistent on purpose) that it becomes close

everyone is watching in awe because first it was like shit you aren’t doing too great that means wooyoung’s gonna win fuck time to pass away

BUT THEN WHEN YOU START DOING BETTER THEY’RE LIKE OH SHIT WE HAVE A CHANCE CMON KEEP GOING

and yeah for a while it’s really close until finally, FINALLY YOU DISARM WOOYOUNG AND KNOCK HIM TO THE GROUND

AND EVERYONE AGAIN IS ABSOLUTELY SILENT BECAUSE HOLY SHIT DID WE JUST WIN?

YES THEY FUCKING DID

sorry i just got really excited ok? you did it!

everyone unloyal to the red queen erupts in cheers and applause and utter happiness

but wooyoung, on the ground in front of you, has one last question

“who are you really?”

“i’m not sure. i’ve changed so much since this morning. but they’ve all been calling me alice”

wooyoung’s eyes widen in horror as he realizes his fate

this really is the prophecy

alice has come to defeat him and steal his throne and his crown

and they succeeded

he has lost

he expects you to just slice his throat right then and there, but you don’t

instead, you stick the sword into the grass beneath you

you never agreed to kill anybody, nor would san want you to

wooyoung saw it as a chance he would never get back, so he took it

he scrambled back a bit and whistled, a very loud and shrill sound that came out of his mouth

suddenly everyone around you is in chaos, trying to run away and shouting because they know what is coming

you don’t, but you find the sudden loud pounding footsteps oddly familiar

you look over to the other boys and make eye contact with yeosang, and you can’t hear him over all of the shouting but you can just make out the word coming from his lips 

“bandersnatch”

your stomach drops

that’s what you were running from when you first got to wonderland, and you were about to come face to face with it

the footsteps get louder and louder until they stop, and right in front of you stands wooyoung’s bandersnatch breathing heavily and awaiting his orders

even san is kind of scared because he’s seen what wooyoung’s “pet” can do

but when you see it... it almost looks like a pet

the best way you could think to describe it at the moment was a cross between a cat, a dog, and a bear

as inappropriate as it was, you thought it was kinda cute what the hell

but again, i digress

wooyoung, who is still on the ground, shouts at the bandersnatch and points to you, “GET ALICE”

the animal in front of you digs its foot into the ground multiple times like it’s about to charge

everyone watching the scene is filled with fear 

and you

just

walk up to it

and bop it

on the nose

almost immediately it cowers backwards and shrinks in on itself like it was ashamed it had done something wrong

everyone else: shocked pikachu face

because what??? the hell?? that WORKED????

but you just get even closer to the bandersnatch and see that he really is like a pet,,, he’s really not scary

you start to scratch him behind the ear and he definitely likes that

you turn again to face san and wooyoung just like :/ yeah, what about it?

wooyoung is at a complete loss of words, absolutely mortified 

damn, that usually works

but now wooyoung really lost and is really defeated officially

after the confusion passes though the crowd is once again cheering and happy because NOW they did it

san walks forward between you and wooyoung, and the celebration quiets down because omg it looks like the RIGHTFUL QUEEN is about to say something

san announces to everyone that wooyoung will stand trial for his crimes and receive a fair sentence despite everything, and that if anyone so pleases, they don’t have to see the same fate as him

meaning whoever would like can renounce their loyalty to wooyoung right now and not be punished

the first one to do so is jongho

he unsheathes the dagger at his hip, and while most everyone believes he’s about to attack san

you know better

rather, jongho holds it tight to his chest and takes a knee

he bows his head before the white queen and says “i serve the crown, your majesty. i serve the rightful ruler of wonderland”

hongjoong steps forward then too and bends the knee, since he is wooyoung’s advisor

everyone is watching in absolute awe because that is wooyoung’s left and right,,, they never expected those two to be disloyal to him

but they serve wonderland, not wooyoung

wooyoung is feeling mf betrayed dude

that’s the example most everyone else who was loyal to the red queen needs before they renounce themselves as well,, all so they can serve the white queen

and you are just... astonished

you did it

you really helped them to reclaim their throne and their land

you fulfilled the prophecy

you can go home

that realization hits you harder than you thought it would, and you are honestly kind of disappointed to go

at the arrival of his chess piece guards, san orders them and his new guards to take wooyoung away so he can stand trial

not before taking the crown from his head, and it practically transforms before your eyes to white gold

wooyoung gives you one last betrayed look before he’s gone from sight

while everyone is talking and celebrating and rejoicing san turns to see you looking very forlorn, and he knows exactly why

he approaches you, followed closely by the other boys

because all of the other boys have been so impacted by you that they just... have to be by you again and talk to you

but they all see that you are kinda down and are like :(((( why??? we won thanks to you!!! this is a happy moment!!!

but you just look at all of them, all of these boys that have impacted you just as much

and you say “i can go home now”

and suddenly they all remember

they all jump at the opportunity to tell you NO YOU DON’T YOU CAN STAY HERE WITH US AND BE HAPPY

but you can’t, as tempting as it is

you have a life in your world, and while you know you can just pick up and leave it

should you?

san sees the decision in your eyes and tells the boys “they can’t, though. they must go home”

and finally, finally, he says your name

not alice. you

the boys still want to protest, but they can see it in both of your eyes,, they know what’s going on

so they all come to terms with the fact that you are leaving

but before you do, you make sure to share some words with each of them individually

you know, just so they can fall in love with you even more hehehehe

you look at all of them and say “i want to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart

“jongho, thank you for sparing my life,, i’m so proud of what you’ve become

“mingi, thank you for being so sweet and taking the time to tell me things, and for putting your own life in danger when you didn’t have to

“seonghwa, thank you for being the best mad person i’ve ever met, and i hope you don’t stop being the same kind, pleasant, mannerful, strange, and mad person you showed me

“yunho, thank you for always being able to put a smile on my face,, you truly helped me to not feel doubtful, and i know i will never be lost because of you

“yeosang, thank you for doing everything in your power to make sure i’m safe,,, you are the bravest person and mouse i have ever met, no one will ever come as close

“hongjoong, thank you for finding me. if it wasn’t for you i would have never found this wonderful place with all you wonderful people,, i am happy you are safe and turned out to be right” 

the boys are all borderline crying now because you’re just so amazing,, they all love you so much, even in the short time you’ve known them

but finally, you turn back to san

you’re prepared to bow, getting on one knee and saying “my queen” because that is truly how you see him now

but san simply smiles and tells you to stand, that as long as you are here and san is ruling, you never have to bow to anyone or fear anyone

and you just smile back and say thank you

san laughs because he should be the one thanking you

he leads you and the boys inside the palace so you can go home

which makes you kind of confused because huh how does that work

san explains “wooyoung was always afraid of the prophecy, so he made sure the only door to your world was locked and sealed away for no one to find”

so he leads you all to said door, and it’s huge

there are gold gears and locks all over it, and it stands taller than anyone of you

san takes his crown off and places it in the center of the door, as if it acted as a key

and the gears begin to turn and bars unlock until finally, the door opens 

looking through it, it’s a bit distorted because it’s kinda like a portal that’ll take you back to your world

and san extends his hand toward the door so you can go, and everyone is looking at you teary-eyed and expectant

you take one last long look at each of them to memorize everything that has happened

and so, looking back with a look that screamed the promise of return, you walk through

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

Hi tree! I have some questions and it's ok if you don't know that answers to them but as long as you try, it's cool! So, here we go!

1. Why do yo go as tree as your name? Is there, like, a meaning or do you just like trees? Just wondering! :)

2. What are some things you shouldn't say to someone part of the lgbtq community? I have a brother and I've said some mean things to him that I don't want to repeat. This is all very confusing, overwhelming, and scary to me but that's no excuse and I really want to learn and change. I'm also going to middle school after summer and I know there will be a lot of diverse people and I don't want to hurt anyone at all.

3. Do you have any questioning tips? As in, when u were questioning, was there anything that you did or thought about that helped? When I ask my bro, he just says I don't need to figure it out just yet but it's been nagging at me for a while.

So, those are my questions! Again, it's ok if you don't know that answer but please answer the ones you can. I feel like the last question was a bit too personal so if ur not comfortable answering that, it's cool. Thanks a million tree!!!!

hello! first of all, youre so sweet!! 🥺 this is such a thoughtful ask! i cant promise my answer will be what you're looking for, but i'll try my best!

1. a lot of reasons that i've kind of collected over time! it started bc one of my friends said i was a tree-kisser and i was like "i am one of them" and they started referring to me as treeman, a different friend and i were joking about being plants bc we're ace and i told them about the treeman name so they called me tree, and a different friend said us indians look good in green bc we're trees, and also i just. like trees. i think they're funky

2. i dont have any definitive answers to that, but i'd just say to be mindful of yourself. obviously dont do anything that would be assuming or generalizing things, even in a joking way (like people say im a sexless creature bc im ace, which is okay from friends and other ace people ig, but not from people who dont know me and make assumptions? its a bit hard to explain). my best advice is to just keep an open mind and try to have these hard conversations with someone who is comfortable hacking out such things with you.

different people can take offense to different things, but honestly, just tell people straight up that you're still learning and dont mean any harm, and that they should tell you if you say something wrong, and over time you'll understand on your own. its a very intuitive thing, i would say.

3. i kind of agree with your brother, actually, but hear me out. the best thing i ever did for myself was to give myself time. i was so fixated on trying to put myself in a box and researching like i was getting a phd in gay and trying on and discarding labels faster than i could even say them and it affected my mental health a lot.

you're young. you have time. you dont need to worry now. if you find a label that fits at your leisure and you think it matches who you are? great! amazing! if you slowly try on labels and end up not finding one? great! amazing! just let yourself breathe and dont fuss about it.

finding out your gender or your sexuality or your romantic orientation is an inherently inward thing, so it stands that it may change with you. dont run through your journey; just take a little stroll. sit on a bench and observe. learn.

you have time. dont rush it.

for me personally, i dont know either. gender = ???, and sexuality = ???, and romantic orientation = ???. and im fine with that. it may not work for everyone, but it does for me, and i use a couple different labels for people when i feel like i have to put a word on it. all i know is, i like everyone, i dont have a particular want for sex but im cool with it, and im definitely not female, and i like being male.

thats all, and thats enough.

thank you, i hope this helped! have a great day!

[futurewriter2000]

My Dear Audience

I know you are usually the victims of my emotional outbursts I post on my blog, probably didn't read the fine print when you pressed the follow button. You can always skip these posts/rants I make that's why I always put the "keep reading" function so that yall don't have to scroll for 10 minutes straight. But sometimes I write things down to get clearer in certain situations I'm in. It helps me figure it out. It's like my subconscious speaking to my conscious dumbass. Idk, maybe it will help you too or not. You can always write me your opinions because I love to see other opinions and perspective on certain themes I put in here. So let's get into it!

The reason I'm writing this is because it's faster to write in my journal and I don't trust my journal at all. Like I don't know why I'm hiding certain things from my journal. Maybe because my sister and mother used to read them when I was a kid. But yeah, sometimes I can be a little pathetic. But bear with me. We are all different and how we process emotions is different to all of us.

My sister told me something about me missing somebody, who I had dealt with in the recent past. And I told her that I don't and that I moved on from him already.

I firmly do believe I had moved on from him but something made me wonder if I really did when I was trying so hard to explain to her how I did move on.

You see, I did have a lot of friend break ups last year and from seven of them, I think that two hurt me the most. One was a guy (shocker) that I used to be so close with for 3 years but had known him for about 5 years. And the other was my best friend of 3 years or something as well. She was literally amazing to the point when she started to... get a bit wild, which I don't mind but she started to become more wild and more rude, arrogant and ignorant as well.

I was literally so attached to both but there came a moment, a click all of a sudden where I just knew that I don't want to be their friend anymore because they constantly hurt me. The worst part was that I didn't understand the why, I just knew that they were both toxic for me and that I didn't like what said or did to me. It took me long, sobbing and self-blaming nights to move on from both of them. It took me about 8 months to get over the guy and almost a year (around 11 months) to get over her. It's not that I was in love with them- I just love people way too much. I would give the world for my friends.

When I moved on from the guy (1), I met another guy (2) which reminded so much of guy 1. Literally, they were both tall, light eyes, dirty blonde/brown hair, both Aries (like a day apart)... but their character was different. Nevertheless, the similarities were wow but it was their character that made them so different. I admired guy 2 character more than anybody's character (lies... there are a few people) in my life. There is just something so interesting in people who think so differently or are different in general. He just had this magnetic pull. When we met, there was something so similar in him that I couldn't put my finger on and we just clicked in one day. The first day we met, we clicked. First 10 minutes we met, click. There was not even the introduction of our names, we just vibed so much that we let go of the unimportant details.

You can expect I fell in love with the guy. He bought me choclates and energies and opened the doors for me, and he always came to get me for lunch... the guy was literally treating me so good and my hopeless romantic self fell in love. He was the first ever guy that I considered to date. There were previous crushes, yes but he was just "the one". Don't judge. I am way too romantic.

He was the one until he started to give me hot and cold game. But we still vibed. Then he turned out to be gay, which to my surprise I was so relieved. I don't know why I was so relieved but I just was. It made me realise that I really didn't want to be with him in a romantic way, because that was so much pressure and work and I can finally relax. Bc when I can flirt with everything and everybody until I start to catch feelings. Then I turn into a tree. Makes no sense but you know what I mean. I just didn't know how to act.

He left. No goodbye, no nothing. I cried like a baby but it was easy for me to move on because we knew each other for a month and he seemed to be that person, who enters your life for a certain reason. I thought it was to show me that guy 1 was literally an ass and that I can be treated better by friends than I believed.

Okay, I moved on.

Until that bitch returned one day and made me forget to walk. I don't know what he did to me. I knew he was gay, I knew that there will nothing become of us ever. I was okay with that but he still made me feel butterflies. But so did the guy 1 but the guy 1 made me feel more of a sad anxiety butterflies and the guy 2 was happy anxiety butterflies.

We vibed like nothing ever happened. We went out on drinks, walks, I even went to his house, he met one of my friends, we made plans... until a day came where all of a sudden he started to act distant.

I was like, okay... maybe he just needs a time alone. If anything guy 1 has thought me was that I should never drill into people or pressure them to open up to me.

God, I knew something was wrong. I could see it in his eyes and on his face and I just knew it. But you know when people say hurt people hurt people.... oh did he just say the right words to prove that.

We had a conversation and I said something among the lines: "Yeah but at least we're such good friends now."

"Are we?" he said and when I tell you I felt my heart sink into the depth of whatever pit there is. It got cut into pieces and stomped over and shit like that but my defense mechanism is laughter and smiling.

"You're telling me we're not friends?" I asked him, my dumbass laughing.

"Then I must be a really bad friend."

AND MY DUMBASS WENT. "Noooo! You have your good qualities."

And so on and so on.

I'm not playing the victim in this situation. I was not the victim here. He was just... hurting.... he just.... really didn't have to hurt me too and sometimes I wished I went away and didn't start any conversation.

But he was so new and so interesting and I had never clicked so well with anybody.

Don't roll your eyes when I tell you that I believe in soulmates. I do. I believe I had 4 soulmates in my life and it's odd to describe it but there is this... feeling you have when you're with them that just make sense.

My soulmate definitely was not guy 1. But there was this crush I had in middle school that I had never exchanged words with but like I said... there's a feeling and fleeting moments where you just know.

So him... and my best friend of 2 years before the other best friend of 3 years.

And him. The guy 2.

There's a certain click you have with your soulmate. And I had many friends, many people and crushes and loves but none of them are those four soulmates.

I believe guy 2 is... but I also believe that he is that exact karma of what I did with guy 1. I was just not in love with guy 1. I think he was in love with me but I just wasn't in love with him. Yes, we are friends and good but I am not in love with you. (he wrote me a song that I was so oblivious that it was meant for me. I realised that a year later and yes I am face-palming myself right now). I just left him like that.

Just like guy 2 left me like that. I was in love with him but he couldn't be in love with me. And he left me... just like that.... just like I left guy 1. The fucking irony in that.

Months past, guy 2 disappoints me constantly until the point where he disappointed me so hard that I just couldn't go back to him. I never hated him... I never hate anybody but I do learn and I let go.

It was hard for me to let go because the pain felt just as horrible as it did with guy 1... just worse... so much worse. The memories me and guy 2 have are the memories that can be labeled as unforgettable ones. When I tell you that it was like a movie when we were hanging out together. Like a bloody movie... the way we met, the way we clicked, the love/rejection scene, him leaving, him coming back, us not having normal conversations (I had never had conversations as I did with him with anybody in this entire world. The conversations with him were... the ones that you don't forget easily.), the roadtrips we took, the awkward moments, the sharing deepest darkest secrets moments, the fun moments, the way we were so comfortable with each other that it felt like I had known him for years, not months.

Like a movie. A real, indie like movie. Him in bright/white clothes, me in dark/black clothes. Him the logical, me the dreamy. Me the romantic and innocent, him the not so romantic and definitely not so innocent.... like ying and yang... up until the ying didn't want the yang anymore.

I don't know what happened, really... he just didn't want to hang out with me anymore. His whole behaviour towards me changed.

Hurt people hurt people.

I cried... for months... shocker... but then there came a day when I just woke up and I was just ok.

You know there were times I would cry because of the memories. Because I never felt like this with anybody. Oh no... you know when you meet someone who is special in your life. You know you're in it deep from the moment you meet them. Tik Tok tarot readings really did not help. He just randomly popped in my mind. I couldn't look at pistachios... I couldn't drive by the gas station anymore, I even quit my job (but that was mostly for me), I couldn't go to the store without thinking of the time we went to the store. Still, every bus I see I wish I could see him in it.

But then I asked myself. What would I do if I did see him? I mean, the last time he disappointed me so hard that I don't think I could even look at him. I wouldn't want to give him his birthday gift because this shit is long passed. Once exciting to give it, now dreading it. Once I wanted to tell him everything... now I don't want a single thing to share with him because that creates another memory I would only cry over. The fact was.... so much time had passed that all the nostalgia, the energy, the excitement... it all just disappeared because I stopped giving it. I promised myself no more. And yes I wanted to just text him and call him to give him a peace of my mind but no. I held myself back and I rather cried and felt sorry for myself that ever giving my time and energy to someone who just... isn't worth it....

He disappointed me so much to the point I had to realise that when I think of him as someone who has broadened my perspective on the world, taught me certain things and gave me such great memories to look back on... for me he was a soulmate but for him I was just that one person, he worked with. Like he said... I wasn't a friend... though I don't know why he made plans with me... maybe to fill me with empty promises like most people do but I accept that.

I was done wasting time on mourning.

One thing I didn't realise about moving on from people was that you can still wish for them to come back or wish for things to be different and miss the hell out of them. Don't you think that just because I moved on from guy 1 and that best friend that I didn't think of reaching out to them. I did... to every last one of them but that will bring me nowhere. I just don't know where they would lead me... because I changed, yes but that doesn't mean they did.

I still wish them the best... I do look back on them with fond memories. Of course, I don't think the two can even come close to the guy 2. He is one of a kind but there are such wonderful people out in the world and guy 2 has thought me that I can be treated better than some people treated me.

Plus he was a good muse for the emotional works I had written and drew.

So I really did move on... by finally accepting the fact that it won't be like a movie and that not all people are here to change your life and stay in it. Maybe they just change it and leave you to grow further on.

All of them thought me so much but I do swear that the last one had really put an impact in my life. Made it better, no matter the hurt he caused. Most of it was because I let it happen. I let him take the wheel for a while but now I'm driving again and he's left the bus.

[mccrps]

Barnaby x MC x Talbott 

A/N: I have no idea why I didn’t post this sooner? laziness prob bc this really was a mess kinda. To the anon who asked for more Barnaby, here’s a bit of a love triangle for ya. Barnaby x MC x Talbott set in year 5 after the Celestial ball. 

Warning: umm spelling errors most likely so I’m sorry about that. there’s no filth in this fic and for that I am proud, it’s just fluff and both of my boys being cuties and just lsdjflskjfslkfj i love them both so much i can’t pick between them.

Word Count: 1,841

If someone had told you, you would die of embarrassment a week ago you would have laughed. But sitting in Potion’s class with Snape holding what was basically a love note had you backpedaling hard out of the room. 

Every eye was on you and you wished somehow a Chimera crashed in and swallowed you whole.

After class Barnaby even walked up to you sheepishly and your eyes widened. “If it’s me just tell me, It’s cute that you wrote a note though.”

You immediately turned as red as Bill’s school tie and your mouth opened and closed, not sure this was the right moment to state it wasn’t at all for the bullheaded brunette. All you could manage was a weak smile before bolting out the door. 

You caught up with Bill a little later, your nerves getting to you all at once and you needed his advice to keep you sane and thinking clearly. 

There was something about Talbott that drew you in, an animalistic look that crosses his eyes at times. You knew it probably had more to do with the fact that he was an Animagus, you figured you had the same look to you as well. 

But Talbott did it differently. He did everything differently. Everything alone. You hated it. You craved it. The freedom of it all. 

It was one of your reasons for becoming an Animagus in the first place, you knew Talbott had suspected it as well. The two of you more were more alike than not. Only getting closer as each day went on.

The note burned in your palm as you quickly slipped it into one of Talbott’s notebooks and did your best to act as nonchalant as possible as you kept walking to your next class.

You paced in the corner of the Library a few times, only to get your wits about you just enough to do this one thing. You’d ask him to meet you in your favorite spot-- even if was a rejection, you needed to know how he felt. Needed to know that this thing, whatever it was between you, wasn’t just one sided.

"Hey..” Your eyes darted to the bookcase, meeting a dark honey gaze over the organized pages.

“Talbott..” You kept your voice low, knowing Pince liked to pop up from any direction.

“Yes.” His reply nearly made you laugh, shaking your head. 

“I know it’s you--”

“Yes, I’ll go on a date with you.”

“Oh..” You were taken aback, not expecting him to even show up, much less say the words you’d been dying to hear. You walked around the bookcase, eyes slowly rising to meet his, the both of you grinning like fools. “Okay.” 

The news of Talbott being the note’s recipient spread faster than wildfire and you were faced with a dilemma you didn’t realize would present itself this early on. One of your friends had called out to you in the dorms while you had been changing for your date, stating that Barnaby was looking for you and it seemed important. You frowned slightly, knowing you wouldn’t be able to say no to him but also risking running late for your date. you figured whatever it was could be figured out after your date so the quicker you spoke to him, the quicker you’d be more at ease. Your eyebrows furrowed deeply, taking the sight of the athletic boy, his stance one of tension and it only made you feel worse that your attention was slightly elsewhere at the moment. 

“Barn..what’s up?” You did a quick scan of him, making sure he wasn’t hurt but you couldn’t see any trauma and you expected the worst.

“Hey...are you avoiding me?” He asks slowly, raising an eyebrow unsure. 

Your face mimicked his in confusion, blinking a few times as you tried to wrap your head around why he was upset. Shaking your head, you stepped closer to him, looking at his features, a nervous expression on his face. “No..of course not why would I be?”

“I heard about your date with Talbott...” His hands were in his pockets and while he usually did that anyway, you had a feeling right then it was more of a comfort thing. You didn’t really know what to say to him. Of course the two of you had a brilliant time at the Celestial Ball, even sharing a few snogs behind the curtains too. And yes you had told him you fancied the pants off him, you’d yet to make it official. And making it official wasn’t something on the top of your list. Not that it wasn���t something you would have protested, more so the freedom of not labeling it all made it easier to for the two of you. There was no pressure.

“Jeez that was fast..” You mumbled, leaning against the stone wall.

“Yeah faster than butter spreads on toast...and you know it spreads fast—I just..” He stopped talking, probably thinking he was rambling but your eyes held his, waiting for more, he mimicked you, leaning against the wall. “I thought it was for me you know, after the ball—I thought we had a great time. I mean you and I...we’re adorable..” Barnaby chuckled softly at his words, his eyes searching your face for something unbeknownst to you.

You listened to him carefully, connecting all the pieces together in your mind. “Are you...are you jealous Barn?” Your voice was soft, a grin threatened to break free. 

He sighed, clearly frustrated. “I don’t know..I’ve never felt this way before...”

“I still fancy you, Barnaby. That hasn’t changed.” You moved closer to him, your gaze hadn’t left his face the entire time, not wanting to miss any second of any of this.

“What?...How can you fancy more than one person?” Barnaby’s expression grew even more confused. “I only like you though...”

“Well yeah....I expect people our age to have more than one crush, it’s not exactly marriage is it?” You shrugged off your last comment as a joke and Barnaby nodded, you could visibly see the wheels turning in his head.

“Are we okay though?” His words struck you harder than you thought they would. Yes he was jealous but above all, you were still friends and even if you wanted to date other people, he wanted to make sure he always had you. Your fingers reached out to grab his and he immediately pulled you closer, his hand wrapping around your waist and you let out a little gasp in surprise.

The only response from you was a nod, your eyes too focused on each other, the pull between you undeniable.

“I just want you to be happy.” He murmured and your heart soared, this time you couldn’t stop the smile that broke out on your face.

“Thank you, Barn.” You whispered back, your eyes shining with admiration for him.

“Besides I like a little competition...”, He smirked, leaning forward a bit, resting his forehead against yours. “And you’re saying I still have a chance so...I’ll be alright.”

If you could like him anymore than you already did, you would. If you could only like him you would, but you couldn’t help it, your heart wanted to know and love as many people as possibly. You’d had enough life threatening adventures for many lifetimes, you knew more than anyone how fragile life really was. There was just too much to give, too much to do. Sometimes you felt like you might explode at times, feeling as if there were too many emotions inside you all at once, practically bursting at the seams.

You felt as if you couldn’t breathe right then, like he was the only thing that mattered at the moment. And you wanted him to know that. You wanted him to know that even if you’d be going on your date with Talbott, you hadn’t forgotten about him. How could you? How could anyone?

Your lips met his softly at first. It wasn’t meant to be anything more than a kiss of appreciation, of admiration, of comfort.

It was so much more than just that.

He pushed against you, his lips meeting yours in a rush, fingers gripping your waist, another gasp escapes you and his tongue meets yours hurriedly. His other hand settles on the back of your neck, deepening the kiss even more.

Your hands reached out for him, grabbing onto his shirt.

Much too soon for your liking, he pulled away, the both of you all but gasping for air. It was suddenly too hot and you knew he was thinking the same thoughts you were. A dark, lust filled look in his eyes, his hand sprawled on your lower back sliding lower.

“Later...I promise..” You had to get ready for your date, you would’ve hated to be late, especially on a first date.

His eyes stayed on your lips for a few seconds before he nodded. “Don’t call it a date around me.” You nodded, biting your bottom lip. His hand reached out, fingers tracing your lips, he leaned forward one more time, kissing you again, this time only a peck. “I’ll see you around yeah?”

“Yeah.”

The date starts awkward, the both of you not knowing what to say but you can’t stop staring at each other and blushing and grinning like two idiots.

Tonks and Charlie crashed the date to your utter embarrassment. You and Talbott tried to ignore them, making little side jokes and comments. The two then try to leave you guys alone but Tonks ends up knocking all the teacups over and somehow manages to ruin the date in record time. 

Talbott and you walk back to Hogwarts, side by side not saying much as you both followed behind Tonks and Charlie. As you all separated to your dorms, your hand brushed against Talbott’s a note being pushed into his palm. You winked at him, grinning as you walked towards the dungeons.  

You asked him to meet you in the courtyard, this spot meaning just as much to them as their dark library corner.

Just as quiet as a shadow Talbott’s face came into view and you sat up straighter, smiling at him as he joined you by the fountain.

This to you, to him, was a way better date, one where you both did something you enjoyed while not needing to fill the space with noise or talking. Sitting side by side, your hands brushed against the other. In a fleeting moment of bravery you intertwined your fingers together. You’re more aware of Talbott now more than ever, his thigh touching yours, his fingers holding onto yours just as tightly as you held him, the heat radiating from him. Everything was Talbott and your heartbeat drummed your ears. You turned to look at him finding him already doing the same to you, his smoldering gaze keeping you in a trance. You didn’t even realize how close you two had been.

A single shooting star races across the sky as your lips meet his.

[theclaravoyant]

pride asks: yellow?

Thanks for the ask! This got a bit long lol I am feeling Wholesome Emotions after having my ass seriously kicked by anxiety and depression for the last little while so I went a little OTT with it. I hope it helps somebody out there.

Yellow: How did you feel when you came out to yourself? Were you happy you were gay/bi etc… or were you scared or other?

That’s an interesting question, because the first time i ‘came out to myself’ it was a veeeeeery slow burn. I wasn’t particularly scared or ashamed of it, but I was very much on my own figuring it all out.

One of the many emotions involved was of course anxiety. There was a lot of research, thought, overthought, and doubt. For example, I actually didn’t realise at first, but the earliest point in my questioning stage was actually during a time when my loneliness and craving for love and a romantic future (partly from society, partly because that’s something I believe I genuinely want for myself) seemed so impossible to achieve. I felt very lonely and couldn’t figure out why. I used to get genuine anxiety seeing people holding hands because it felt so despairingly impossible. My environment wasn’t particularly hostile toward lgbt+ people, but nor were they visible and available either. It just didn’t occur to me for a long time.

I didn’t really realise that’s what it was until later. The first moment I realised I might like girls was kind of funny, actually - see I’ve never been a very jealous person, but I thought damn Jenna Coleman looks Good. But I don’t want her clothes, I don’t actually really like that sort of style (Clara Oswald’s sort of vintage style) on myself. I don’t want to be her. I just think she’s fiiiine. After that point I started id’ing as bi because I thought, hey, looks like I like women.

(Then there was a bit more humour bc shortly after it was like, oh dang i really do, clara u know what a gay person is how tf did it take you so long)

During that period I started building my self confidence. For example I kind of had to ‘practice’ liking women - like verbally, openly, even if only to myself. I had to practice thinking, writing, saying, tagging etc etc things about how beautiful and hot women can be rather than just like, they look nice. I started noticing that some of the things I was thinking/saying were a) not how others thought about women and b) sometimes similar to what my friends said about men. I’m also not very sexual so it was hard to figure out that way as well because it wasn’t about kissing or that fiery passion that make the differences a little more obvious.

Then I started to realise/decide (and that’s very important, there was a lot of deciding to change my labels etc and getting myself to be okay with being wrong or going back if things changed) that my bi label was holding onto attraction to men because it was expected not because it was something I actually felt. Then I moved into the gay/lesbian space and sat there pretty comfortably. It took a long time, like literally years, so there wasn’t really a “moment” I came out to myself or something like that. There was a bit of fear but mostly of being incorrect or of what others would think than about the sexuality itself. Mostly it was actually quite nice, finding what I was feeling and how my cravings for love etc were still able to be satisfied just in a different way. It was a little scary doing it on my own (my environment being neutral-to-supportive was kind of fortunate, but didn’t go out of its way), but I found a lot of community both online and irl through my self exploration. I’m so inspired by the way so many lgbt+ people own it and that has genuinely been so helpful. I also most importantly learnt to trust myself and my feelings more.

That part of it made it much easier when it came to questioning my gender as well. I initially questioned whether or not I was trans (binary, ftm) because I thought while I was doing this whole questioning thing I might as well, but it ended up being a pretty clear no to me. I didn’t revisit it for a while after that, but as I found community and started meeting and learning about nonbinary people/identities, I sort of went, “that sounds right, what if that’s me?” And it was 236598165x faster to just go “ok what if it is? you’re nonbinary. if you figure out you’re not later that’s okay, just change. does it feel good now, does it feel right?”, and probably in large part because of the journey I’d been through with my sexuality as well I was able to just go “okay, you’re nonbinary then”

Of course I don’t think I’ll ever fully escape things like doubt and fear of judgement. eg I still feel weird using words with a lot of Meaning(TM) like lesbian and queer. I also still feel a HUGE amount of frustration at the thought that coming out as nonbinary is likely to be waaaaaay less successful/accepted than coming out as gay, especially because of how much I want to come out. I kind of feel annoyed at myself about it sometimes too, but one thing I’ve really learnt over this part of the journey is that it’s not about other people. I would love to get the courage to come out to more people but for now it’s about me and that’s okay. At the very least it helps me understand and explain some of my experiences in the world that were leaving me feeling lost and confused - sometimes more than I realised - before. Even if the only person I can explain them to is myself.

Overall if I may get a little sappy with it, to conclude: I’ve found myself in a place, in an identity, despite a world that hid the door from me for quite a long time. Some people are chased away from that door with pitchforks, and I’m fortunate that wasn’t me, but a lot of people in the same situation as myself might have just walked right on past lost in the crowds. Side note: My particular journey I think is one of the reasons why the whole ~born this way~ kind of rhetoric grates on me a bit. I think without the boldness to make choices a lot of us would never have realised, would never have come out, whether or not we had a biological impulse to do so because we never would have discovered or named what that biological impulse is. I have discovered my intuition as well over this journey and I have found a community I feel deeply bonded to, and for all the doubting and the psychological (and sometimes physical) fuckery we get put through, that has been a very powerful positive influence in my life.

-

LGBT+ asks

[heisenbergchronicles]

APPRECIATION & INTERVIEW

Better Call Saul episode posters by Matt Talbot After 4 nearly years, I thought it was time to catch up with Matt Talbot about his Better Call Saul poster project. The last time we talked during Season 1, Matt was deep in the hustle of making his name as an illustrator: juggling a full-time job, freelance projects, as well as band. Finding time for personal projects like this one can be a significant challenge. (Not to mention surviving the death of your tools: During Season 1 his Mac laptop died, and this season, his Wacom tablet bit the bullet). But despite these challenges, the 43-year-old New Hampshire native has persevered to create a clever and thoughtful series of episode posters that has garnered considerable attention, and brought with it new high-profile clients and art exhibitions. 

First, congratulations on all of your success and recognition with this series of posters. It’s well-deserved. What’s been the most gratifying feedback you’ve received? Thank you! Every interaction I’ve had with anyone from the show has delighted me. I've been surprised by all of the cast and crew members who have said nice things – every note I’ve gotten has meant a lot to me. That being said, Michael McKean randomly tweeting at me that he has my poster for Chicanery hanging in his home blew my mind. I was eating dinner when my phone showed the notification and I literally jumped up from the table. I’ve been a fan of Michael’s since I saw Spinal Tap in the ‘80s and never in a million years would I have guessed I’d make something he valued enough to hang in his home.

Tell me about your contributions to Gallery1988 exhibitions. How does that process work? It's a pretty simple process. They invite me to be part of a show, and I make something to send them. I’m very excited for the opportunity to show there, and I feel like it’s a milestone in my art-making career.

Across the 4 seasons, which BCS posters are your favorites? Which one are you most proud of? I’m particularly fond of Rebecca, Rico, Marco, Switch, Sunk Costs and Something Beautiful. Oh man, it's hard for me to evaluate my own stuff. I tend to like the posters where I find a way to get a different take on something they did in the episode. I would say that “Sunk Costs” is also one of my favorites because I did something differently than how they shot it, and because Mike is so recognizable even from the back. I was also pleased with “Off Brand” because it was when I finally figured out how to draw Bob Odenkirk.

How has your process for creating these posters evolved over 4 seasons? When I started this project I had a vague idea that I would focus on scenes rather than portraits or likenesses, but that didn’t even last half a season! The characters were too good not to include. In that way, the posters have evolved in my willingness to draw characters, and also, hopefully, my ability to draw them. 

My process is now something like: Watch the show on Monday; think about it on Tuesday, figure out what stood out to me and do a thumbnail sketch or two; draw it on Wednesday night; post it Thursday afternoon. I’m a bit faster at drawing these now compared to when I started. And I’m a bit more decisive on choosing which subject matter to depict.

There have been quite a few changes on the visual side of Better Call Saul over the last 2 seasons. New directors (Minkie Spiro, Daniel Sackheim, and Andrew Stanton), a new cinematographer Marshall Adams, even new cameras. What are your thoughts on how the show’s visual grammar has evolved? Has any of this impacted your posters from Seasons 3 & 4? I try not to just redraw literal scenes from the show, and I don’t need to tell you that they shoot the show in an incredibly beautiful way. I mean, they always, always, pick the best angle, the best shot to capture something. For that reason, it’s sometimes hard to to come up with another take on a moment from the show.

That being said, the visual style hasn’t really impacted my posters as much as the evolving subject matter has. The show, I think, is substantially darker than it was in the early going. It was easier to depict Jimmy’s hi-jinx in the first couple seasons. But with Chuck’s deteriorating mental state, the cartel stuff, Mike going deeper into Fring’s world and of course, Jimmy’s loosening sense of morals, the funny moments are harder to spot. That’s lead me to some more somber layouts and color choices.

We didn’t discuss this in our first interview. Which typeface are you using in your posters, or is this custom typography? The main logo and episode titles are set in Sign Painter, from the excellent House Industries.

The Heisenverse is known for it’s color theory and use of color. How has that impacted your color choices in these posters? I’ve kind of adhered to their blue=good/red=bad symbolism, but I also try to balance out colors between episodes and not repeat myself in sequential posters.

Many of your posters (especially ones this season) use a monochromatic, or simple palette of 1-2 colors. Tell me more about why you chose that approach. Is this a signature of your style? I’ve seen this approach in a lot of your work. You know, in the early seasons, I was trying to use simpler color palettes, but I wasn’t very disciplined and I got away from that. I’m trying to stick to a more consistent style in season 4. It is a conscious decision. I also feel like with the week-to-week nature of this project, it helps quickly set apart each poster. And, I really do love limited color palettes. Giving myself color constraints helps me figure out different ways to solve layout problems.

I’ve heard other illustrators say that Bob Odenkirk’s facial features are tricky to capture. Do you share that sentiment? Which characters are more challenging to illustrate? I do agree with that. I had a really hard time with him at first. I kind of think I have a better handle on it now, but I’m always trying to get better. I feel like if you can get his mouth right, it goes a long way.

I found Hector hard to capture both times I drew him. Mike, on the other hand, is just pure fun to draw. Jonathan Banks is so distinctive and iconic.

What’s been the most difficult poster thus far? Why was it challenging? Maybe it’s because a lot of time has gone by, but I can't think of one that stands out as having been really difficult.

Francesco Francavilla did alternate posters for some of his Breaking Bad posters. Inevitably, when artists look back at their work, they consider revising or redoing it because of a variety of reasons – their point of view has changed, their skill/style has evolved, or maybe they were never truly content with the final product. Looking back at 4 seasons worth of posters, are there any that make you want to scratch the revision itch? Yeah, more than I would care to admit. I would really like another crack at Amarillo. I know I could do a better job and that drawing is just super flat. In season two, I decided to to experiment with style and I kind of wish I hadn't. I like Cobbler, but I wish I had drawn it in my normal style. I would redraw Nailed for sure. Oh man, if I start going down this road it's not going to end well, so I'll just stop.

You mentioned earlier this season you were excited to draw Track Suit Jimmy. Who or what haven’t you drawn, that you are eager to illustrate? Howard! It bums me out to no end that I haven't drawn him, but it just hasn't worked out. And I need to include Kim more. It's kind of criminal that her face only appeared for the first time in a poster this season.

What’s your opinion of Season 4? Tell me about your favorites – episode, scene, character. I think season 4 is brilliant so far. The Kim/Jimmy relationship has deepened so much this season, and feels so real, but full of inevitable heartache. Oh, the flash-forward to Breaking Bad’s timeline was amazing. Mike doing his audit in the Madrigal warehouse. Really, anything Michael Mando does on screen. It's hard to pick. I so enjoy the deliberate pace of this show.

Where’s your favorite place to discuss the show? I honestly don’t talk about it too much online, though I lurk in a few places and read a lot. I actually discuss it mostly with my wife!

I know you get this question a lot, so let’s cover it here so folks understand: Do you have plans to sell any of this work online? I really appreciate that people like it enough to want to buy it or hang it, but I don't plan to sell the Better Call Saul posters online. I’m doing this for fun, not to make a buck off the show, and I don’t own the rights to sell it anyway.

What’s next for Matt? Do you have any other poster or illustration projects in the works? Is you band performing soon? I have several more pieces for Gallery1988 shows coming up. I’m pulling together an art show at a local brewery for whom I design all of their labels and stuff. I’m patiently waiting for a t-shirt I designed for one of my all-time favorite movies to be announced. And for the past several Octobers, I spent the month drawing a horror poster per day. I’m not sure if logistically I can do that again this year, but I’ll probably fit at least a few in. We’ll see how it goes. Sadly, with all of my illustration work, I haven’t had any time for music making, but someday I hope to get back to that!

Follow Matt: Web site / Tumblr / Twitter / Dribbble / Instagram / PosterSpy

– Interview by Shayne Bowman, Heisenberg Chronicles

[passionate-hedgehog]

Wine

 A/N; I just spent the entire night writing this. I really probably should have slept but- eh- oh well.

This isn’t a requested one-shot, nor is it an imagine. It’s just a short little thing. Unless someone wants more or if I just want to write more. I’ve been working on the next installment of How We Came To Be but I needed to take a breather, ja feel?

If you like it, leave some love! It's almost 5;30 am here so I need to close my eyes.  

   Chloe Penelope had decided that she was going to wear polka dots every day of her life. At least, that’s what her mom thought. The bright purple leggings were accented with spots all over in different colors. Her lime green shirt wasn’t bare, either. There were plumes of flowers along the collar. None of her outfit coordinated with itself and the three-year-old couldn’t care less.

   Hannah rolled her eyes good-naturedly and stifled a chuckle when she found her toddler waiting outside the kitchen. The woman noticed her daughter was standing with her hands on her hips and completely proud of her outfit choice. Maybe one she’d be the style icon of the decade. There was no talking the child out of her clothing choices once she made up her mind.

   “I’m beautiful, Mommy!” The toddler nearly shouted throughout the entire apartment, even though she was less than 6 feet away from her mother.

   Hannah did chuckle at that. “Yes, Chlobug. You are very beautiful! The most beautiful one here, I do believe!”

   The golden blonde child walked up to the dinner table. “Nuh-uh, Mommy. You are!”

   The woman picked up her daughter and left a kiss on her nose. “We both are. How about that?”

   “Hmm…” Chloe tapped her finger on her chin and looked to be deeply in thought. “Ok! We both are! Are we princesses, Mommy?”

   “Why can’t I be the queen?”

   “Because you’re too young, Mommy. Queen’s are old. Duh.”

   Hannah crouched down to her sitting daughter’s level and looked her right in the eye. “One day, you’ll get the biggest inheritance I can leave you. Keep up the good work, Kid.”

   “Can I have chocolate milk with my Fruity Pebbles, Mommy?”

   “And then that happens. Sure thing, Kiddo. Whatever your weird little heart desires.” Hannah pulled the accommodating breakfast items off shelves and out of the fridge and prepared the meal.

   After Hannah had dropped her charming yet odd child off at preschool, she stopped at the market to grab food that she was pretty sure that she wasn’t going to end up making. Grocery shopping always made her hungry. She learned very early on that if she wanted to retain her sanity, she couldn’t shop with Chloe. She’d have to go during school hours when she was the hungriest and the busiest.

   Chloe wasn’t the pickiest eater, but she was picky enough. The only cereal she ate was Fruity Pebbles, and she preferred it in chocolate milk. She even had a certain bowl that she ate it out of.

Okay, maybe picky wasn’t the right word. Chloe was particular. That’s not mean to think, is it?

   Hannah shrugged at her inner thoughts and grabbed the biggest box of cereal that she could find on the shelf and made her way to the front of the store, eyeing the wine section as she went. That’s when she saw him.

   The brunette slowed to a stop, and it took her a minute to realize that she was gawking at some stranger in the middle of the wine aisle at the grocery store. She didn’t usually stare at people she didn’t know in such a conspicuous manner, so she hid behind the end cap of another aisle and peered around the corner.

   She recognized him, sort of. She remembered seeing him somewhere before. It was brief, but she couldn’t forget that face. He was either on the tv or guest lectured at the college she took online courses at. He was familiar, but she just couldn’t put her finger on it.

   The man was looking through the bottles of white wine with his tongue stuck out in deep concentration. His fingers were hovering over the labels he was reading, and he looked so adorably lost. The wine bottles were lucky to have so much attention paid to them by such a wonderfully interesting man. He needed help, though. That much she could tell.

   Don’t just stand there like a loon, Hannah. Here’s a wonderful opportunity to meet someone new. It could be quick and painless. Chloe wouldn’t even have to meet him. Not that I’d put her through that anyway. Not again.

   Just do it. There’s no shame in making new friends. Besides you’re curious about where you recognize him from anyway…

   “Uh.” Hannah’s canvas covered feet moved faster than her brain. “You look like you’re having some trouble picking out a wine.”

   The man turned to look at her with a brief expression of surprise then licked his lips.

   Oh, man, she thought. That could kill me.

   He looked back at the bottles and then nodded. “I’m not a big wine connoisseur. I know all the types of wine and what goes best with what food pairings but it’s for a birthday gift. I’m not quite so sure what she’d prefer.”

   Her?

   “Well, does she like a certain brand or type? Or does she like to try different kinds out sometimes?” Hannah walked up until she was just barely a few feet from him.

   “I’m not actually sure. It’s embarrassing, really. I have an eidetic memory. One would think I can remember what’s had in my presence

Hannah brushed some hair behind her ear and winced. “I hope she’s not a girlfriend; otherwise you’d be in loads of trouble..”

   The man blushed a little. “Ah, no. She’s just a very good friend. One I wouldn’t want to upset. She deserves the best.”

   “Aw,” the woman smiled earnestly. “She sounds important. But it also sounds like you shouldn’t overthink it. I’m sure whatever you choose, she’ll enjoy it. Just make this choice from your heart and stick a meaningful card with it. Girls can be suckers for cards. Or maybe that’s just me…”

   He looked back at the shelving. “What would you suggest?”

   “Who? Me?” Hannah put a hand to her chest in surprise.

   “Yeah. You’re a girl. You seem like you would make good wine decisions. What would you go for?”

   “Honestly?” Hannah reached up and wrapped her non-manicured fingers around a bottle on the middle shelf and pulled it down. “This one.”

   The man took the wine after she held it out to him and read the label. “Kendall-Jackson Riesling. Why is this the one you picked?”

   The words weren’t critical, just pure curiosity.

   “Well, that’s an easy one. It’s my favorite! If it’s at any restaurant I go to, it’s the first thing out of my mouth. Well, that and cheese sticks. I love my cheese sticks.”

   Hannah met the man’s eyes after her almost daydream and stopped short. “Was that weird?”    

He shook his head and gave a small smile. “No, cheese sticks are delicious. Did you know cheese has historical roots dating back as far as 6,000 BC? And that about 20 million metric tons of cheese gets produced every year? And I guess I should have warned you about that…”

   “About what?” Hannah had cocked her head to the side in brief confusion.

   The man scratched the back of his head and looked away. “About how I just say random things that no one asked about. I just...spurt them out.”

   “If you know it, flaunt it. Intelligence is very attractive. Use it, just don’t be a jerk about it. Maybe you can use it to turn that very close friend into something else, hmm?” Hannah bumped his shoulder in an easy going way.

   “Oh, no. Penelope already has somebody. I’m kind of the baby of the office. She’s very protective of me.”

   “Oh yeah? Where do you work? Or, if that’s too abrasive, what do you do?” He’s single! I can’t do anything about that, but I can feel less guilty about it at least.

   He looked around. “I uh...I work in the F.B.I. Behavioral Analysis Unit, to be precise.”

   “That’s where I know you from!”

   The quick outburst made him jump slightly, and he wondered for a brief second if it was a mistake to say such intimate details to someone he didn’t even know.

   “Uh…”

   “You guest lectured at the college I’m taking online courses at. You’re Dr. Spencer Reid! I couldn’t figure it out! It was right at the tip of my tongue. And I’m totally spazzing out now.”

   Spencer laughed an honest laugh and held the bottle of wine close to his chest. “Don’t worry about it. Honestly, it’s not as bad as you think.”

   “Oh yeah? Wanna take a bet? I saw you as I was passing this aisle and wanted a reason to approach you because you were so familiar, I couldn’t figure out why. So I hid behind that end cap right over there for 5 minutes. I was trying to figure out when to come over here, if ever at all.”

   “So you were stalking me because I looked familiar?”

   “Well, that and-” Hannah abruptly shut up, and a bright flush overcame her cheeks. “Uh.”

   “And why? Now I’m curious.” Spencer stepped closer to her.

   Well, crap. “And uh…”

   Spencer watched as Hannah licked her lips and hummed to herself. The woman subconsciously rubbed her right arm as she bit her bottom lip. 

   Oh, for goodness sakes.

   “Because I wanted to know you. When you were standing there, in the middle of the wine aisle, you looked like someone I wanted to know.”

   “And now? Am I still someone you’d want to know?”

   Hannah met his eyes and smiled. “Hi, I’m Hannah Cameron, and you are definitely worth getting to know.”

   Hannah reached out a hand, and Spencer took it, shaking it. Her blush faded a tinge, but their eyes never left each other. She hoped he was worth getting to know. Being a single parent tended to be a turnoff, but she just couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that she got. Maybe Spencer was different?

[weareyourfoxes]

thank youuu if u could tell me your opinion that'd be great :)) ok so this might sound silly but i recently saw a post about vilde being a lesbian (i agree 100% btw) and it got me thinking about my own sexuality and how maybe the reason i like her so much is bc i really relate to her?? and now i'm thinking i might be a lesbian and i don't know why it's affecting me bc i don't mind being one but i'm still like ?? freaking out a little bit??

ok so I had to turn my computer back on for this because I HAVe thoughts (be ready for like rambling because it’s 4AM haha)

First I wanted to say I am very proud of you for even saying/asking this, because even though it’s on anon asking questions like these can be hella scary especially when you feel confused about it. so yes go you! ❤

Two: Yesssss my beautiful Vilde is definitely a lesbian or even at the very least bisexual (fun fact: did you know many women are actually bisexual? It just is less or more intense for some than others. This was told to me by my psych teacher and idk I just love that fact so much). I love that you can relate to her so much and that might have opened you up to new realisations!

Three (and this is where I’m going to get a little more serious) When you’re just figuring out your sexuality it’s still very confusing even when you don’t mind identifying as a lesbian or have never had issues with accepting others for their sexuality. Here’s the thing: Internalized heteronormativity/homophobia is a very real thing and something you might not consciously be dealing with right now. We see this a lot in both Vilde (internalized heteronormativity: even though she clearly has/had feelings for Eva while they kissed she pushed those feelings aside as something that didn’t matter) and Isak (internalized homophobia: the scene about gay pride with eskild is an amazing example of this). 

Here’s an example on how that might apply to you: If your surroundings have not have been accepting of non-straight people in any way you might have internalized that a little even though on a personal level you are like fuck yes free the sexuality. 

This combined with the fact that sexuality and discovering yourself is just a big and heavy thing makes it completely fine (and even to be expected) that you freak out. Like this is seriously one of the most legitimate reasons to ever freak out. 

Here’s what I would do:

- Take a moment to freak out. See reasons why above. Giving yourself space to freak out about it instead of limiting those emotions means you can get through them much faster. 

- Take time to reflect on how you feel. What do you feel? How might your surroundings have contributed to that? How can you learn to accept yourself and this new found knowledge. 

- Talk about it with people. Like seriously talking really helps even if it’s on anon to people on Tumblr (my inbox is always open!!!).  

- Know that you don’t have to do all the things at once. This includes coming out to people or labelling yourself or feeling comfortable with the big thing. You can do this at your own pace and if it takes time that’s ok. 

Anyway yes super proud ❤❤ Hope this helps!!!