#one of my muts posted abt what i'm about to mention in tags but like | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wonderhello · 2 months ago

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you know somehow being parts of a whole makes it incredibly comforting knowing that some of us can genuinely still have fun and not feel like. The Dread of the Aftermath™. like there are parts of me that feel the joy without the dread, which means like. i'm capable of it too. whatever the whole is, that genuine joy without waiting for the other shoe to drop is possible for them. for me.

it's more nuanced and honestly marginally less positive than that, but idk. seeing kas have fun today with the knowledge that i, too, am capable of feeling that, even if it's too far away right now thanks to ✨ the dissociation ✨, is giving me a lot of hope.

i hope for a future with less forboding joy.

i am very tired now, though. holy fuck. kas what the fuck were you doing.

[ PT: i am very tired now, though. holy fuck. kas what the fuck were you doing. \End PT ]

#unknown shade of color #not to get /srs lol #one of my muts posted abt what i'm about to mention in tags but like #soooo many people think having a cdd is only valid if you're miserable All The Time? lol #i am so far removed from unbridled joy that there are two whole folks who do it instead lolol #literally every instance of happiness that i as shade experience comes with dread #kas and mel don't really have that though #and the knowledge that their ability to be happy and silly without the expectation of a caveat #could someday extend to me?#idk. smth about that just.#makes me feel better.#again for kas in particular this is. a lot more complicated than i'm making it look #but i'm sorry to the “you can't joke about your system or be happy Ever” crowd #i will cherish this joy even if it doesn't feel like it's mine #and i will cherish the small if dread-inducing (just by nature of me being me) joys i experience because of my alters #even if the rest of my DID causes me pain #sorry for rambling tags lol #about star #<- forgor

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